LESSON FOR INNOCENT CABMEN.

Off with his HeadAffecting Denouement!"Off with his Head!"

"Off with his Head!"

Sing a song of Sixpence,"A pocket-full!" says I.Four-and-twenty farthings?That's all my eye!But my eye was opened—A summons he did seek;And wasn't that a pretty caseTo bring before the Beak?The Beak was on his judgment-seatA fining swell coves money;AndPunchwas perch'd 'longside him,Grinning precious funny.Fitzroyhad, in the Commons,Been pickling us a rod;And off went the prison van,And took me to Quod!

Sing a song of Sixpence,"A pocket-full!" says I.Four-and-twenty farthings?That's all my eye!But my eye was opened—A summons he did seek;And wasn't that a pretty caseTo bring before the Beak?

Sing a song of Sixpence,

"A pocket-full!" says I.

Four-and-twenty farthings?

That's all my eye!

But my eye was opened—

A summons he did seek;

And wasn't that a pretty case

To bring before the Beak?

The Beak was on his judgment-seatA fining swell coves money;AndPunchwas perch'd 'longside him,Grinning precious funny.Fitzroyhad, in the Commons,Been pickling us a rod;And off went the prison van,And took me to Quod!

The Beak was on his judgment-seat

A fining swell coves money;

AndPunchwas perch'd 'longside him,

Grinning precious funny.

Fitzroyhad, in the Commons,

Been pickling us a rod;

And off went the prison van,

And took me to Quod!

The days of the Highwaymen are over: but that need not be lamented by the admirers of the robbers of the good old times. The Highwaymen have been succeeded by the Railwayman.

The First Emperor left behind him a "NapoleonBook of Fate."

The Second Emperor promises to enrich the history of France with a "NapoleonBook of Fêtes."

Too Much and Too Little.—The man who believes too little may be safer than the man who believes too much; but it is a question if, through life, he knows half as much pleasure.

Russian Impudence.—A celebrated Diplomatist who lisps a little, being asked to define Russian Impudence, answered very significantly "Why, ith's beyondPruth!"

Punch's medals

TTHE Director-General of the St. Stephen's establishment,Mr. Punch, proceeded, in one cab, to Westminster Hall, and, desiring a chair to be placed for him upon the top of the flight of steps at the further end, commanded that the gentlemen of the Upper and Lower Schools should forthwith attend him, for the purpose of hearing his opinion of their general and individual conduct, preparatory to their being dismissed for the holidays. It is needless to say that his orders were instantly complied with, and that the Westminster Boys at once assembled before him. The only exception was in the case ofMaster Sibthorp, who sturdily refused to come, and for whom a policeman was dispatched.Master Sibthorpexpended much abuse, and several quotations from the Eton Grammar, upon the officer, but was ultimately brought in, and placed within convenient reach ofMr. Punch'scane.Mr. Punchthen spoke as follows:—

THE Director-General of the St. Stephen's establishment,Mr. Punch, proceeded, in one cab, to Westminster Hall, and, desiring a chair to be placed for him upon the top of the flight of steps at the further end, commanded that the gentlemen of the Upper and Lower Schools should forthwith attend him, for the purpose of hearing his opinion of their general and individual conduct, preparatory to their being dismissed for the holidays. It is needless to say that his orders were instantly complied with, and that the Westminster Boys at once assembled before him. The only exception was in the case ofMaster Sibthorp, who sturdily refused to come, and for whom a policeman was dispatched.Master Sibthorpexpended much abuse, and several quotations from the Eton Grammar, upon the officer, but was ultimately brought in, and placed within convenient reach ofMr. Punch'scane.Mr. Punchthen spoke as follows:—

A General Strike.

"My Boys,

"You have had a long half, but it is over, and I am glad to dismiss you for your vacation. The word vacation,Sibthorp, is derived from the Latin, and originally signifies emptiness, for an illustration of which I will refer you to the head of the gallant member for Lincoln, or to the heads of those who can be such donkeys as to elect him. My boys, I am, generally speaking, satisfied with your conduct during the half.

"Boys of the Upper School,

"I rejoice to find a marked improvement in the way you treat your themes. Your elocution is still open to amendment. I commend your regular adherence to the beneficial habit of early rising. I would caution you against quarrels amongst yourselves, arising from the use of intemperate speech or inapt quotation (MastersDerbyandOxfordblushed); and I would remind you that no social position occupied by your papas and mammas exempts any of you from the duties which are imposed upon others (MasterWinchelseabegan to cry). But, as a whole, you have pleased me this year, and I will add that the politeness with which you behave to ladies who may look in upon the establishment reflects great credit upon you, not unincreased by contrast (Sensation among the Lower School).

"Aberdeen, you are leader of the school, and I could wish you to display more energy. I applaud your love for a peaceful life, but remember that there is one thing better than peace, and that is, honour. In the map of Russia, which you have drawn, you have not defined the boundaries strongly and well, and you do not seem to know where Turkey begins and Russia ends. You will lose credit unless you exert yourself.

"Malmesbury, your English is exceedingly bad, and your logic very unsatisfactory. I understand that you are proud of your intimacy with a French person, who at one time bore no good character. Take care, sir. And be more guarded in your assertions as to what feats you have accomplished, and of which I find few traces in the school records.

"Lansdowne, I give you much credit for having just exerted yourself to put down the practice of smoking—the rather, as you have reached an age at which you are entitled to all due indulgence. You are a very excellent member of the school, and I wish you regarded as a model.

"Monteagle, you talk a great deal too much in school hours, and are said to busy yourself in matters with which you have no concern. You have been a lucky boy—be an agreeable one.

"Boys of the Lower School,

"I am sorry to have had to expel so many of your number this half, but I hope it will be a warning. Once for all, I will not permit you, by gifts of money or beer, to induce your inferiors to misconduct themselves for your gratification. I can use no adequate word of contempt for the meanness which sought to shift the guilt upon servants. In other respects I am tolerably satisfied with most of you. A good deal of work has been done, but there is far too much talking in the establishment, and you keep people out of their beds looking after you at hours when you ought to be asleep. I hope to have different reports next half.

"Russell, I am glad to see you the leader of the school. I was pleased with your conduct to the Jew boys, whom I still intend to place in the school. I am sorry you have done next to nothing in the way of helping the education of those under you. However, as you have given me a large promise of reform for next half, I shall say no more.

"Gladstone, you deserve the highest praise for your proficiency in arithmetic, and for your gentlemanly conduct. Some of your companions hint that you talk rather too much. I do not impute this to you, but you will consider for yourself whether the allegation is justified. The way you have got through all duties is admirable.

"Cardwell, I shall give you a well-deserved navigation prize, so you need not be quite so solemn.

"Stafford, the painful exposure I was compelled to make of your conduct would have prevented my referring to it again, but that I understand you and some of your friends have been swaggering, and declaring that you had escaped unpunished. Beware, Sir, that I never again hear your voice in the school, in which I only permit you to remain because I believe that you were made the tool of bigger and worse boys.

"Fitzroy, I am sorry to see that you are not looking well. Take care of yourself in the country, and be assured, my boy, that I shall not forget the spirited way in which you protected those poor women from their husbands' brutality, or the very proper chastisement you gave to the insolent cabman.

"Lucas, you are a foolish lad. Instead of enjoying the rational and manly liberty of your companions, you cripple your mind with silly stories and legends, and do not take your meals regularly. I hear, too, that you are very ignorant of the history of Rome, which you appear to have learned at second-hand from some monkish book in dog-Latin. You are no credit to your class, Sir, and I believe I have told you before that you are Lucas,à non lucendo.

"Brotherton, I applaud you for trying to get the school to bed by midnight, but you want perseverance, and let yourself be put down by any one who opposes you. If you are right and know it, never give way. Be firm, or you will not carry your objects—you cannot bolt a door with a boiled carrot, as you, as a vegetarian, ought to know.

"Palmerston, you are a very spirited, gentlemanly, thoroughly English fellow, in whom I have the utmost confidence. All that you have done this half has been excellent. I believe it would give everybody pleasure to see you at the head of the school, and it rests with yourself whether you will be so or not.Excelsior, my good boy. By the way, I have of course nothing to do with your amusements, but I observed you gaveMaster Cordena tremendous back fall the other day. It has shaken him a good deal, but he richly deserved it for the sneaking way he came to the scratch.

"Sibthorp, as you say that you consider it an honour for me to notice you, why do you not so conduct yourself that what is certainly an honour to you may be a pleasure to me? (Sibthorpburst into tears.) There, don't cry, you know I am never seriously angry withyou.

"Boys all,

"You may now go into your respective schools, and wait there until your monitors announce to you that vacation has begun."

We believe the General Screw Steam Shipping Company is connected with the Port of Southampton. It may not be generally known that there exists another Screw Steam concern in connexion with that same good town. We mean the South-Western Railway, which, particularly by its arrangements respecting the Camp at Chobham, and the Review at Spithead, appears to have decidedly adopted the principle of the Screw.

A man should never object to exercise, for the gentleman is always distinguished by his walk; but there is this excuse to be made for a woman who takes but little exercise—that the lady is immediately known by her carriage.

MR. PUNCH PAYS A FINAL VISIT TO THE CAMPMR. PUNCH PAYS A FINAL VISIT TO THE CAMP, AND TAKES OFF HIS HAT TO A RATHER GLORIOUS OLD RAG.

MR. PUNCH PAYS A FINAL VISIT TO THE CAMP, AND TAKES OFF HIS HAT TO A RATHER GLORIOUS OLD RAG.

There appeared a chance a few days ago, that certain Members of Parliament would, instead of shooting the grouse, have the more exciting sport of shooting one another.Sir John Shelleyvery properly refuses to be drawn into either a murder or a breach of the peace; and quietly refersMr. Frewen'sfurious correspondence toMessrs. Tyrrell,Paine, andLayton, who are, we presume,Sir John'ssolicitors.

A "little quarrel" with a legal firm may be less agreeable to one whom we fear we must call FightingFrewen, than a personalrencontrewith the Member for Westminster. A fight with a forensic antagonist in Westminster Hall is more formidable than a little harmless pistol-popping at Chalk Farm; and the powder of a barrister's wig is more dangerous to be set in agitation than the common gunpowder of commerce.

PoorFrewenis evidently much nettled at finding thatSir John Shelleywon't fight, and in the desperate endeavour to stir up the unwilling baronet, tries the old cab-driver's dodge of calling after him "No gentleman!" We must say we cannot congratulateMr. Frewenupon having got the best of the matter in either spirit, taste, or argument; for there is something more dignified inSir John Shelley'srequest to be "excused from answering any further letters," than inMr. Frewen'scoarse wind up of "Call yourself a gentleman!"

A great philanthropist, and distinguished man of the world, has invented a new Lactometer for testing the milk of human kindness. We believe it is exceedingly simple, and consists principally of a plain sheet of paper—not unlike, in size, a page torn out of a banker's cheque-book, but having a Government Stamp in the corner of it. It is the size of this stamp that determines the quantity of milk of human kindness. The larger the stamp the greater the supply of milk. The test rarely fails, excepting with lawyers, guardians, step-fathers, and others, whose hardy natures are well known not to be largely imbued with the softening lacteal properties of human kindness. The philanthropist intends taking out a patent for his ingenious invention.

Mr. Hayter, the Whipper-in, was supposed by the Members of Parliament to be very unfortunate with his servants, for during the past session, he was always going about trying to get a House made.

A Rap for the Czar.—A great deal of base gold coin is in circulation, but the worst Sovereign that has come before the public lately is theEmperor of Russia.

A BATH AT BOULOGNEA BATH AT BOULOGNE.APPALLING POSITION OF MR. AND MRS. TOMPKINS, WHO HAD A JIB HORSE WHEN THE TIDE WAS COMING IN.

APPALLING POSITION OF MR. AND MRS. TOMPKINS, WHO HAD A JIB HORSE WHEN THE TIDE WAS COMING IN.

Tobacco fumes are unpleasant to the majority of ladies. Nevertheless, we must protest against the prohibition of smoking abaft the funnel on board Thames steamers. The other day we were ascending the river in one of these vessels, seated in that quarter of it, when a youth, who was indulging in a Pickwick to the windward of us, was caused to transfer himself and his enjoyment forwards. No sooner had he gone away with his smoke, than our nostrils were assailed by the vilest of odours; a breath from the open mouth of a sewer on the opposite bank. This was just as we were passing theArchbishop'sPalace at Lambeth; and we could almost have imagined thatDr. Sumnerhad been at work purifying the Church, and had rendered its abuses palpable to the olfactory sense; in such great indignation were our nostrils at the perfume emitted in the neighbourhood of his Grace's premises. We wished our young friend back again with his "weed," the fragrance of which we very much prefer to that of metropolitan tributaries to the Thames: and until that stream is somewhat dulcified, we should think that even ladies would approve of universal fumigation on board its boats.

The question of Peace has been carried in Europe,nem. con.Bright, feeling peacefully inclined, said he should like all war-questions to be met and decided by a similar enemy; and, being asked byCobden"What enemy?"—he eloquently replied, "A-n-emine contradicente."

A curious old philosopher of our acquaintance says:—"I can always tell what kind of masters and servants there are in an establishment by the way in which the bell is rung and answered. If the bell is rung sharply, or snappishly, or at all loudly, I say to myself, You are hard masters, impatient, intolerant, making no allowances, and always expecting a thing to be done before it is even asked for, and my suspicions are generally verified by their ringing the bell a second time more loudly than the first; and if the servants take a long time in answering the bell, I say to myself, You are bad servants, either lazy or pampered, or spoilt by too much indulgence, and evidently taking but little interest in your master's wishes. It is a sure sign that there is not much peace or comfort to be met with in the house where the master rings several times for everything he wants; and where the servants require the bell to be rung twice before they think of answering it."

We are sorry to notice an anachronism in a popular review. We mean the review at Spithead. A gun was used in the fleet, called—we cannot say christened—the "Nelson Avenger." NowNelsonhas been sufficiently avenged; if insufficiently honoured: whatever account of vengeance may have been owing to him was settled at the time; though our debt of gratitude to him may be eternal. Posterity has no revenge to take on Posterity: and a gun only meant to rake the rigging of our enemies should not be so named as to rake up animosities with our friends.

A LYRIC FOR THE 20THAUGUST, 1853.(FromCowper.)

ornamental letter T

HE Camp has departed!—farewell the parade,And the earth-shaking march of the stern Colonnade[3]The bands play no longer from manuscript leaves,Nor detectives prowl stealthily watching the thieves.The City of War, which immense fun we've had inIs fled like the palace that flew withAladdin;And musketry's crack, and artillery's roarAstonish the echoes of Chobham no more.The Lancer in scarlet, the Rifle in green,And the Horse-guard in blue, have abandoned the scene;And we've witness'd the last of the blood-stirring fraysWhere gallop'd in glory those terrible Greys.

HE Camp has departed!—farewell the parade,And the earth-shaking march of the stern Colonnade[3]The bands play no longer from manuscript leaves,Nor detectives prowl stealthily watching the thieves.

HE Camp has departed!—farewell the parade,

And the earth-shaking march of the stern Colonnade[3]

The bands play no longer from manuscript leaves,

Nor detectives prowl stealthily watching the thieves.

The City of War, which immense fun we've had inIs fled like the palace that flew withAladdin;And musketry's crack, and artillery's roarAstonish the echoes of Chobham no more.

The City of War, which immense fun we've had in

Is fled like the palace that flew withAladdin;

And musketry's crack, and artillery's roar

Astonish the echoes of Chobham no more.

The Lancer in scarlet, the Rifle in green,And the Horse-guard in blue, have abandoned the scene;And we've witness'd the last of the blood-stirring fraysWhere gallop'd in glory those terrible Greys.

The Lancer in scarlet, the Rifle in green,

And the Horse-guard in blue, have abandoned the scene;

And we've witness'd the last of the blood-stirring frays

Where gallop'd in glory those terrible Greys.

No longer in toothsome libation is spiltThe Dew that is dear to the sons of the kilt;No longer falls plashing in pleasantness here,The frothy cascade of the black British beer.O! Chobham Olympics, your games are all done,The last close is wrestled, the last race is run,The stone's "put" away, to the leap-frog there's truce,And the ultimate caber is pitched to the deuce.Rejoice in thy stable, thou omnibus steed!For thee the campaign-times were wiry indeed.No more shalt thou toil on that villanous road;With a cargo of snobs for thy heart-breaking load.Weep, rascally drivers of ramshackle flies,Adieu your extortions, your sauce, and your lies,Farewell to that Station, the cheating point whereYou've so oft charged a pound for a two shilling fare.Well, everything passes: a Camp like the rest,But this ends while its novelty still has a zest;And we're free to confess that we see with regretThe Flutters Hill's sun, like the Austerlitz, set.Here's a health to the officer—liner or guard—Who withCambridgeandSeatonhas laboured so hard.Here's a health to his men, whose good looks and good willDid such excellent credit to messman and drill.The object was good, and the object is gained,Right sound is the teaching the troops have obtained;And we'll mark that M.P. for a short-sighted scampWho grudges one mil for the Chobhamite Camp.

No longer in toothsome libation is spiltThe Dew that is dear to the sons of the kilt;No longer falls plashing in pleasantness here,The frothy cascade of the black British beer.

No longer in toothsome libation is spilt

The Dew that is dear to the sons of the kilt;

No longer falls plashing in pleasantness here,

The frothy cascade of the black British beer.

O! Chobham Olympics, your games are all done,The last close is wrestled, the last race is run,The stone's "put" away, to the leap-frog there's truce,And the ultimate caber is pitched to the deuce.

O! Chobham Olympics, your games are all done,

The last close is wrestled, the last race is run,

The stone's "put" away, to the leap-frog there's truce,

And the ultimate caber is pitched to the deuce.

Rejoice in thy stable, thou omnibus steed!For thee the campaign-times were wiry indeed.No more shalt thou toil on that villanous road;With a cargo of snobs for thy heart-breaking load.

Rejoice in thy stable, thou omnibus steed!

For thee the campaign-times were wiry indeed.

No more shalt thou toil on that villanous road;

With a cargo of snobs for thy heart-breaking load.

Weep, rascally drivers of ramshackle flies,Adieu your extortions, your sauce, and your lies,Farewell to that Station, the cheating point whereYou've so oft charged a pound for a two shilling fare.

Weep, rascally drivers of ramshackle flies,

Adieu your extortions, your sauce, and your lies,

Farewell to that Station, the cheating point where

You've so oft charged a pound for a two shilling fare.

Well, everything passes: a Camp like the rest,But this ends while its novelty still has a zest;And we're free to confess that we see with regretThe Flutters Hill's sun, like the Austerlitz, set.

Well, everything passes: a Camp like the rest,

But this ends while its novelty still has a zest;

And we're free to confess that we see with regret

The Flutters Hill's sun, like the Austerlitz, set.

Here's a health to the officer—liner or guard—Who withCambridgeandSeatonhas laboured so hard.Here's a health to his men, whose good looks and good willDid such excellent credit to messman and drill.

Here's a health to the officer—liner or guard—

Who withCambridgeandSeatonhas laboured so hard.

Here's a health to his men, whose good looks and good will

Did such excellent credit to messman and drill.

The object was good, and the object is gained,Right sound is the teaching the troops have obtained;And we'll mark that M.P. for a short-sighted scampWho grudges one mil for the Chobhamite Camp.

The object was good, and the object is gained,

Right sound is the teaching the troops have obtained;

And we'll mark that M.P. for a short-sighted scamp

Who grudges one mil for the Chobhamite Camp.

[3]A Colonnade is that which consists of columns. The British Army consists thereof. Therefore the British Army is a Colonnade.—Walker.

Number One and Number Two.—The first time a woman marries it is generally to please another; but the second time it is invariably to please herself.

Here is a pretty dish that was to have been set before theQueen:—

"Whosoever, during the performance of the sacred functions or ceremonies of the Church of the country, the Roman Catholic Apostolic Church, the maintenance and protection of which, in its present position, are secured by law, and guaranteed by the British Crown, shall disturb the same with violence or with intent to profane, whether within or without places appointed for public worship, shall be punished with imprisonment, from seven months to two years."

According toMr. I. Buttthis passage is contained in the 50th Clause of the amended Maltese Criminal Code which has been coolly sent to this country for the sanction ofHer Majesty.

No doubt a person who should wantonly interrupt a congregation of Mormonites, or even of dancing Dervishes, engaged in their devotions, would deserve to be punished; of course, therefore, there is no complaining of a law which avenges interference with Roman Catholic rites and ceremonies—those rites and ceremonies not going quite so far as the rite of cremation and the ceremony of anauto-da-fé.

It is also indubitable that the adherents of the Romish Church have a perfect right to call their persuasion Catholic and Apostolic, or anything else they please, and hold that assertion against all comers, by all means: except, we will say, by means of fire and sword.

But to propose the recognition of the Roman Catholic Church, as Apostolical, to theQueen of England, is—without reference to polemics—richly absurd: sinceHer Majestyholds her royal seat on the very condition of constantly protesting—right or wrong—that the Roman Catholic Church is no such thing.

IfMr. Punchwere in Malta, writing under this same amended criminal code, he would have to take care how he pointed out any Roman Catholic absurdity. He is informed byMr. Newdegate,

"That the 54th Clause declared it to be punishable to 'revile or otherwise insult or ridicule any article of the Roman Catholic Church.'"

Now there are other varieties of ridicule than burlesque, caricature, horse-laughter, and making faces. There is the ridicule of thereductio ad absurdum. It is possible to place a proposition in a ludicrous light by showing that if it is true, it is a truth which is contrary to another truth. In Malta, therefore, subject to the above clause, it would be dangerous to assert the impenetrability of matter, or any other fact in the nature of things inconsistent with any dogma of the papal system: and ifMr. Punchwere not to mind what he was about, he might get himself into trouble in like manner with that other buffoon,Galileo.

However,Mr. Kinnairdhas procured the re-consideration of these penal papisticalities: and Ministers will think twice before they adviseHer Majestyto stultify herself and sanction a Maltese Inquisition.

We hint to noblemen and gentlemen of (very) independent property, before rushing out of town, that they should think of the numerous little bills they leave behind them. They would not enjoy themselves any the less if they discharged those little bills instead of making their tradesmen wait six long empty-pocketed mouths for them. The probability is, even, they would enjoy themselves all the more, knowing that they had left a clear coast behind them, where they could always land with safety whenever they wanted to escape from foreign pirates, and continental sharks, sea and land robbers. We beg, (merely moved by a charitable motive to add to their pleasures,) to draw up the following advertisement for them, on the plan of the one issued at the end of the season by the Directors of the Covent Garden Italian Opera:—

ALL persons having claims for the last season upon theRight Honourable Lord Tom Noddyare requested, before he leaves for Baden-Baden, Homburg, Wiesbaden, &c., where he is going to take the usual annual course ofrouge et-noirand the mineral waters, to send in their accounts immediately, and to apply on Saturday, the 27th inst., when they will be paid in full, as theRight Honourable Lord Tom Noddyhas no desire to increase the ducal revenues of any German principality with money that belongs properly to his creditors.—239, Belgrave Square.

Most of the illuminations in honour of the Emperor's fête at Paris, displayed the glittering initials, N. E. This was only telling half the truth. It wanted the addition of R. O. for the French nation clearly to understand in whose honour the fête was given.

(As gone through by a real Member of the Peace Society.)

I shall, and will, fightThou shalt, and wilt, fightHe, or she, shall, and will, fightWe shall, and will, fightYou, or ye, shall, and will, fightThey shall, and will, fight.

I shall, and will, fight

Thou shalt, and wilt, fight

He, or she, shall, and will, fight

We shall, and will, fight

You, or ye, shall, and will, fight

They shall, and will, fight.

[To be repeated as often as the probability of a War springs up.

Plain upon the Face of it.—Many persons are led by their vices as there are many who are led by their noses: but there are a far greater number who follow both without any leading at all.

Another Dietetic Rule of Conduct.—Never to send a servant out on an errand after dinner, butalways a little before. It is extraordinary how very quick, in the latter case, he (or she) will return.

TTHEWolverhampton Chroniclecontains the following paragraph, highly important to ladies:—

THEWolverhampton Chroniclecontains the following paragraph, highly important to ladies:—

"The Woman's Walk.—Mrs. Dunn'spedestrian feat—walking 1,000 miles in 1,000 hours—at Noah's Ark, Hartshill, continues to attract much attention, great numbers of people visiting her. She has accomplished about four-sixths of the task, and is very confident of success."

It has been said with no less truth than vulgarity, that the walking of womankind is allWalker. Too generally, indeed, it resembles a mode of progression adopted by the insect tribes, except in being performed with two legs instead of several, or without any at all. All praise to the exception to this rule presented byMrs. Dunn. We have not the pleasure of being acquainted with either that lady orMr. Dunn, but sure we are that she makes her husband a happy man if the health of his wife can make a man happy; as of course it can or should: whereas her illness at least makes him very much the reverse. By exercise in the open air is acquired that soundness of condition, accompanied by mental serenity and beauty of complexion which can never result from dancing in an atmosphere of carbonic acid—the only purpose for which many, many ladies use their legs. WhatMr. Dunn'spartner costs him for shoes, we are sure he does not grudge, and he would be a fool if he did, for it is much cheaper that she should walk him out a little leather than that she should stand him in a large quantity of medicine: to say nothing of the cabs and omnibuses which are frequently required to travel a hundred yards or so by other wives.

If you wish to save your Succession Duty, reform your Undertaker's Bills. There is nothing to prevent you but the censure of the lowest vulgar—the mob that does not think for itself: a mob composed of quite as many well dressed persons as ragamuffins. Unfortunately, however, this populace may be able to injure as well as hoot you; and that power it will exercise if you do not conform to its idiotisms; one of which is, the addition of upholstery to ashes, and drapery to dust.

It would therefore be a great boon to you—being a wise man, and likewise an executor or a legatee charged with an interment—if your expenditure were subject to be regulated by the subjoined ordinance:—

"In conveying dead bodies to the burial-ground every kind of pomp and publicity shall be avoided."

They manage these matters better in Spain, you will say: for this is one of the articles of a Royal decree that has been issued at Madrid.

But it is also ordained in the same decree, that

"No church, chapel, nor any other sign of a temple or of public or private worship will be allowed to be built in the aforesaid cemetery."

Now, the aforesaid cemetery is the Protestant cemetery. And it is further declared that

"All acts which can give any indication of the performance of any divine service whatever are prohibited."

The above regulations will be found in a Parliamentary paper recently published, containing official correspondence betweenGeneral LersundiandLord Howden, relative to the Protestant Cemetery aforesaid at Madrid. The noble Lord's reply to the gallant officer will be found highly satisfactory, as conveying to the Spanish Government the assurance of that distinguished contempt for it, which is due to a set of imbecile and miserable bigots—utensils of their priesthood.

One would really think that the clergy of Spain and almost all other Roman Catholic countries were doing their very utmost to earn the crown of martyrdom—not, however, for themselves, but for their ecclesiastical brethren, together with all the lay partisans of Popery in Protestant countries. They appear to be trying as hard as they can to prove that the predominance of their religion is inconsistent with civil freedom. The struggles, then, so perseveringly made, both in and out of Parliament, to extend and establish an influence which, wherever it prevails, is seen to issue in tyranny the most hateful; what can they be considered but endeavours to spin cobwebs about our liberties? And have we not every temptation to sweep away the spiders? Resist it, however: resist it,Mr. Bull: don't crush the poor creatures, but destroy their webs.

The Conceit of the World.—"There isn't a mite" (saysLavater), "but what fancies itself the cheese."

(Dedicated, without permission, to the Honourable Directors of the East India Company.)

John Brightis a pestilent fellow,Always ready for making a fight,But of all his low bluster and bellow,We East India Directors make light.Some appointments (we do not mind telling him)We do give away now and then,But to go and accuse us of selling 'em!—When we're all of us "hon'rable men!"Sir James Hoggfrom his place in the HouseRepelledMr. Bright'simputation;And showed all his usualnousIn insisting on investigation.Such inquiry we've made as we can, Sir,And we're ready to make it again,To ask freely—when parties won't answer—Proves clearly we're "hon'rable men."In the first place our statutes declareThe sale of appointments illegal,So of course to such sales none would dareDirectors to try and inveigle,'T was done once—but though that was bycharity—The law on the case threw its ken,And the row that was made proved the rarityOf such practice 'mong "hon'rable men."City men—we've our City connections—(In this there is no impropriety)We've the social and private affectionsWhich belong to our grade in society.If I lay a man 'neath obligation,Of course he'll oblige me again;But we never take remuneration—For we're all of us "hon'rable men."If the daughter of one of our Board(And such things have occurred in the body),By winning the hand of a LordFromMiss BloggbecomeLady Tom Noddy.If youngNoddieshave writerships handed 'em,And youngBloggsTreasury clerkships, what then?IsBloggless, thoughJohn Brightmay have branded him,One of twenty-four "hon'rable men?"As we're quite the commercialélite,In the very first circles while moving,If the dignified clergy we meet,The occasion we're right in improving.What delight for the son of a bishopTo provide, by a stroke of the pen!In return—if a living he fish upWhy we're both of us "hon'rable men."Even Cabinet Ministers oftenAre proud to admit us as friends,In those social enjoyments which softenOfficial hauteur, till it bends:What pleasure to give one's cadetshipsTo a hard-worked First Lord—and if then,One's sons, now on half-pay, should get ships,Does that prove us less "hon'rable men?"As with other men's daughters and wives,So with ours it is often a passion(As the Bank or the Brewery thrives),To shine in the regions of fashion;For a chaperon countess's matronage,Or a duchess's favouring ken,A slice of one's Indian patronage,Is no price among "hon'rable men."Then let's hope that the scandal will neverAgain with belief be received,That for Indian appointments we everDream of such thing as "Value received.""Nought for nothing," of old was the motto,And appointments were trafficked in then,"All for nothing," is what we have got to—We twenty-four "hon'rable men."

John Brightis a pestilent fellow,

Always ready for making a fight,

But of all his low bluster and bellow,

We East India Directors make light.

Some appointments (we do not mind telling him)

We do give away now and then,

But to go and accuse us of selling 'em!—

When we're all of us "hon'rable men!"

Sir James Hoggfrom his place in the HouseRepelledMr. Bright'simputation;And showed all his usualnousIn insisting on investigation.Such inquiry we've made as we can, Sir,And we're ready to make it again,To ask freely—when parties won't answer—Proves clearly we're "hon'rable men."

Sir James Hoggfrom his place in the House

RepelledMr. Bright'simputation;

And showed all his usualnous

In insisting on investigation.

Such inquiry we've made as we can, Sir,

And we're ready to make it again,

To ask freely—when parties won't answer—

Proves clearly we're "hon'rable men."

In the first place our statutes declareThe sale of appointments illegal,So of course to such sales none would dareDirectors to try and inveigle,'T was done once—but though that was bycharity—The law on the case threw its ken,And the row that was made proved the rarityOf such practice 'mong "hon'rable men."

In the first place our statutes declare

The sale of appointments illegal,

So of course to such sales none would dare

Directors to try and inveigle,

'T was done once—but though that was bycharity—

The law on the case threw its ken,

And the row that was made proved the rarity

Of such practice 'mong "hon'rable men."

City men—we've our City connections—(In this there is no impropriety)We've the social and private affectionsWhich belong to our grade in society.If I lay a man 'neath obligation,Of course he'll oblige me again;But we never take remuneration—For we're all of us "hon'rable men."

City men—we've our City connections—

(In this there is no impropriety)

We've the social and private affections

Which belong to our grade in society.

If I lay a man 'neath obligation,

Of course he'll oblige me again;

But we never take remuneration—

For we're all of us "hon'rable men."

If the daughter of one of our Board(And such things have occurred in the body),By winning the hand of a LordFromMiss BloggbecomeLady Tom Noddy.If youngNoddieshave writerships handed 'em,And youngBloggsTreasury clerkships, what then?IsBloggless, thoughJohn Brightmay have branded him,One of twenty-four "hon'rable men?"

If the daughter of one of our Board

(And such things have occurred in the body),

By winning the hand of a Lord

FromMiss BloggbecomeLady Tom Noddy.

If youngNoddieshave writerships handed 'em,

And youngBloggsTreasury clerkships, what then?

IsBloggless, thoughJohn Brightmay have branded him,

One of twenty-four "hon'rable men?"

As we're quite the commercialélite,In the very first circles while moving,If the dignified clergy we meet,The occasion we're right in improving.What delight for the son of a bishopTo provide, by a stroke of the pen!In return—if a living he fish upWhy we're both of us "hon'rable men."

As we're quite the commercialélite,

In the very first circles while moving,

If the dignified clergy we meet,

The occasion we're right in improving.

What delight for the son of a bishop

To provide, by a stroke of the pen!

In return—if a living he fish up

Why we're both of us "hon'rable men."

Even Cabinet Ministers oftenAre proud to admit us as friends,In those social enjoyments which softenOfficial hauteur, till it bends:What pleasure to give one's cadetshipsTo a hard-worked First Lord—and if then,One's sons, now on half-pay, should get ships,Does that prove us less "hon'rable men?"

Even Cabinet Ministers often

Are proud to admit us as friends,

In those social enjoyments which soften

Official hauteur, till it bends:

What pleasure to give one's cadetships

To a hard-worked First Lord—and if then,

One's sons, now on half-pay, should get ships,

Does that prove us less "hon'rable men?"

As with other men's daughters and wives,So with ours it is often a passion(As the Bank or the Brewery thrives),To shine in the regions of fashion;For a chaperon countess's matronage,Or a duchess's favouring ken,A slice of one's Indian patronage,Is no price among "hon'rable men."

As with other men's daughters and wives,

So with ours it is often a passion

(As the Bank or the Brewery thrives),

To shine in the regions of fashion;

For a chaperon countess's matronage,

Or a duchess's favouring ken,

A slice of one's Indian patronage,

Is no price among "hon'rable men."

Then let's hope that the scandal will neverAgain with belief be received,That for Indian appointments we everDream of such thing as "Value received.""Nought for nothing," of old was the motto,And appointments were trafficked in then,"All for nothing," is what we have got to—We twenty-four "hon'rable men."

Then let's hope that the scandal will never

Again with belief be received,

That for Indian appointments we ever

Dream of such thing as "Value received."

"Nought for nothing," of old was the motto,

And appointments were trafficked in then,

"All for nothing," is what we have got to—

We twenty-four "hon'rable men."

No. 1.

TTHE philosophic traveller leaves his native country in order to study the manners of "our volatile neighbours." At the London Bridge Station he finds a crowd of excited persons, evidently bent on the same object. Every man has a passport in his breast-pocket, and is encumbered with much unnecessary luggage, including the plate-chest, so indispensable to the English gentleman's toilet. A foretaste of foreign sights is given by groups of Frenchmen in beards and moustachios, wrapped in furred garments of strange fashion, and overcome by nervousness at the varied dangers which they are about to encounter. Your correspondent, with proper indifference, readsPunchand the evening papers all the way to Dover. His companions are two anxious Gauls, a boy and his tutor, and a party of exceedingly gay appearance and manners, who has no uniform rule for the introduction or suppression of his h's. He is perhaps a traveller in the button or hook-and-eye line.

THE philosophic traveller leaves his native country in order to study the manners of "our volatile neighbours." At the London Bridge Station he finds a crowd of excited persons, evidently bent on the same object. Every man has a passport in his breast-pocket, and is encumbered with much unnecessary luggage, including the plate-chest, so indispensable to the English gentleman's toilet. A foretaste of foreign sights is given by groups of Frenchmen in beards and moustachios, wrapped in furred garments of strange fashion, and overcome by nervousness at the varied dangers which they are about to encounter. Your correspondent, with proper indifference, readsPunchand the evening papers all the way to Dover. His companions are two anxious Gauls, a boy and his tutor, and a party of exceedingly gay appearance and manners, who has no uniform rule for the introduction or suppression of his h's. He is perhaps a traveller in the button or hook-and-eye line.

At Dover the tourist is turned out into the dark with his companions, and finds himself in the power of a band of bravoes, who share the luggage between them, thrust us, the helpless owners, into narrow and filthy dungeons on wheels, and then, reckless of prayers and menaces, hold a council upon our fate. We are at length hurried off into deeper gloom, and the plash of the ocean awakens indefinable apprehensions in the breasts of all. But we wrong the band—they are honest as things go, and will take ransom. A shilling, under pretence of an omnibus ride of a hundred yards, satisfies one ruffian; a second shilling stays the wrath of another, who in return mildly slides your portmanteau down a board into the steamer. This vessel is fuming in great excitement at everybody's confounded stupidity and slowness. "What on earth are you waiting for?" it seems to say. "How can you possibly expect me to take the letters in time? It's all very well for you, you know, but I'm a public character, and have got a reputation to keep up. Don't stand loitering there about those things. Pitch 'em in anyhow. Hang the luggage. What's luggage to letters? You have no idea how important the mail-service is. I know I'm very passionate, and if you don't come at once I shall scream."

Ah! the last carpet-bag is in; the bell rings, the bad language partially ceases, the mooring ropes are cast off, and the fussy old animal is allowed to have her own way. The philosophic tourist finds his companions of the train. The tutor is curled up under the table in the cabin, which is full of sleepers, lying about in every direction like great flies who have over-eaten themselves. The distinguished foreigners have already become pale even at the tranquil heaving of the harbour tide. The hook-and-eye man and the boy are smoking infamous cheroots, drinking neat cognac, and making pointless jokes in a loud voice to the steward. We are outside the pier. Your correspondent has no emotions. He sees the cliffs of Albion diminish without a sigh—a regret. He does not feel the poetry of the situation. He omits to quoteChilde Haroldto a gentleman's servant who kindly helps him on with a third great-coat. He is perhaps brutal; yet he is not without some remains of human sentiment. The greatest pleasure man can enjoy is to contemplate the misfortunes of others. Accordingly, he visits the sick. The cabin has become a hospital—a Pandemonium. To stay there is impossible, he returns to the deck. Alas! the furry exiles are paying a bitter tribute to the ocean. The happier ancients could propitiateNeptunewith a horse. Now-a-days he has a fancy for human sacrifices, and will only lie appeased by a portion of ourselves.Hooks-and-eyeshas lost his disposition to joke, regrets the brandy, curses the cheroot, and sits down in gloomy silence. The youngster is jollier than ever, and chaffs his discomfited friend, whom he pronounces in private an awful snob.

Meanwhile the swift steamship cuts through the hissing waves. A south wind springs up, and we enjoy a pleasant variety of motion. To the original regular dip and rise which tried so many, is now added a jerking roll, occasionally amounting to a lurch. "Ah ciel!" gasp the expiring Gauls. "Steward, steward!" yellsHooks-and-eyes, as he flies across the deck seemingly by some supernatural impulse, and clings convulsively to the lee bulwarks. "And they said we should have a good passage," complain half a dozen other wretched beings, who make up a party to occupy the same position. The philosopher and his young friend pace the deck as well as they can, and hold sweet conversation. The artless lad details his ancient lineage, his past at Eton, his future at Oxford, and the Continental tour which, illustrated by the mild wisdom ofJenkins, M.A., is to fill up the interval between the two. These pleasant words make short the voyage. "Mark, my youthful acquaintance," says the philosopher, "mark the abject misery of these men. There are Britons among them, but the first, the feeblest of them all are French. Rejoice, therefore, for this malady is the Guardian Genius of our shores. Here are coast-defences more stubborn than Martello towers, more terrible than militia men, more vigilant even than a Channel fleet. Figure to yourself an army of red-trowsered invaders in this state offering to land on English shore, and bless the beneficent dispensations of nature. And now, perhaps, you will do me the favour of whistlingRule Britannia. Thank you."

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