SONGS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY.

Man carrying giant directory

Already, reform has been felt in Guildhall. At theLord Mayor'sstate dinner, the eighty waiters employed to change plates and pour out for the Corporation had, every one of them, a whole half-pint of beer! This allowance was pre-arranged by way of test, and for future guidance. One Alderman is worth, at least, four waiters. Hence, at all future banquets, every Alderman will have allowed him a whole quart of beer, and beer of the bitterest into the bargain.

A Fearful Strike.—Talking of Strikes, we hope theEmperor of Russiawill not take it into his head to strike the balance of Europe.

Waiting for the CarriageWaiting for the Carriage.Charlie."This will be a stupid affair, Georgy."Georgy."Oh, yes—only a White Frock and Black Mitten party—very slow!"[Old Nurse wonders what next.]

Charlie."This will be a stupid affair, Georgy."

Georgy."Oh, yes—only a White Frock and Black Mitten party—very slow!"

[Old Nurse wonders what next.]

Adapted by a Late President.Air.—"O a' the Airts the Wind can blaw."

O a' the airts the wind can blawI dearly like the west,For there Silurian beds abound,The beds that I lo'e best;There's limestone blue, and sandstone too,Wi' slate and shale between.And deep below, the coarse grits go,Wi' purple slates and green.There's trilobites in Bala bed,Product as in coal shale,There's mony a fish in Auld, Auld Red,Wi' heterocercal tail;There's no a Mezozoic rockHauds trilobites within,There's mony a Palæozoic blockWhar trilobites are seen.

O a' the airts the wind can blaw

I dearly like the west,

For there Silurian beds abound,

The beds that I lo'e best;

There's limestone blue, and sandstone too,

Wi' slate and shale between.

And deep below, the coarse grits go,

Wi' purple slates and green.

There's trilobites in Bala bed,Product as in coal shale,There's mony a fish in Auld, Auld Red,Wi' heterocercal tail;There's no a Mezozoic rockHauds trilobites within,There's mony a Palæozoic blockWhar trilobites are seen.

There's trilobites in Bala bed,

Product as in coal shale,

There's mony a fish in Auld, Auld Red,

Wi' heterocercal tail;

There's no a Mezozoic rock

Hauds trilobites within,

There's mony a Palæozoic block

Whar trilobites are seen.

Mr. Cobdenhas written another of those pithy letters on great principles that—some day—will make a very charming little volume ofCobdeniana. He is solicited to give his opinion on the best mode of "Opening the trade in spirits?"

"The best way," replies sagaciousRichard, "of dealing with the monopoly of spirits is to abstain from drinking them, which for upwards of twenty years I have done."—Spirits make felons, lunatics, and suicides, saysMr. Cobden. Hence, the Bottle might surmount Newgate and Bedlam.Mr. Cobdendoes not drink spirits; but, moderately, he drinks wine—wine that cheereth the heart of man? Will he, then, do his best that the masses of his countrymen may take a glass with him? The wine-growers of France want to sell us pure, cheap, healthy wine—wine that would soon destroy burning gin, inflammatory brandy. France needs iron, England claret. WillMr. Cobden, if only as an apostle of peace, help us, that we may exchange British metal for Gallic grape? We should like to drive the English "pig" into the French vineyard.

Nothing—a new Definition.—That portion of a lady's head on which her bonnet rests.

(Without the least foundation.)

Mr. Punch.Captain Leicester Vernon, you will be good enough to answer a few questions.

The Captain.Sir, I shall be happy to do so.

Mr. Punch.You are,Captain, I believe, the adapter of the drama calledThe Lancers, performing atMr. Charles Kean'stheatre?

The Captain.I am.

Mr. Punch.You are also the member for Chatham?

The Captain.I am.

Mr. Punch.You intend to take your seat in the next Parliament, and do your duty by your constituents and the nation?

The Captain.Such is my desire.

Mr. Punch.And the aspiration does you credit. Some very important questions will come before the Legislature during the approaching Session.

The Captain.Ah! They always say that—always.

Mr. Punch.And rightly, Sir. But in the next Session we are promised measures whose importance is indisputable. In the first place,Captain, there is the Reform Bill. To vote rightly—I will not say speak sensibly—upon its clauses, some information is necessary to a member of Parliament. Favour me with a sketch of the history of popular representation, of the principles on which you consider it should be based, and of the arguments for and against extension of the suffrage.

The Captain.Really—a—a—

Mr. Punch.Ah! You have not studied the subject. Well. We are to have a measure for the better distribution of the revenues of the Church of England. Pray what is the amount of those revenues, and upon what tenure are they held?

The Captain.Amount. Tenure. Really—a—a—

Mr. Punch.Ah! you have not studied the subject.Non omma possumus omnes.Well—we are to have a revision of the criminal law. What do you consider the principal defects of the present system, and what remedies would you adopt with regard to old, as distinct from juvenile offenders?

The Captain.Distinction. Come—well—why—a—if—that is—a—

Mr. Punch.Ah! You have not studied the subject. Well. The question of Colonial Administration is to be raised, and the comparative advantages of central and of local self-government will be discussed. Will you sketch the working of each system in our colonies, distinguishing those to which constitutions have been granted, and will you point out the defects of both the existing systems?

The Captain.Why—a—if you come to foreign parts—why—a—

Mr. Punch.Ah! You have not studied the subject. Well. We shall have to consider a most important topic, partly legal, partly social; I mean the doctrine of partnership, and of limited liability, on the wise treatment of which depends the welfare of myriads of our population. What is your theory of partnership?

The Captain.Really—as to topics of that head—a—a—

Mr. Punch.Ah! You have not studied the subject. Then, Sir, with every one of the great questions of the next Parliament unstudied by you, why do I find you wasting your time in translating French plays forMr. Charles Kean. Ishegetting up your Parliamentary information foryou? (The Captainbursts into tears.) There, there—I only gave you a hint, and there are three months to the meeting of Parliament. If you distinguish yourself there, I shall have nothing to say toThe Lancers; but if not—

[The Captainrushes off to buyMill,Bentham,Hallam,De Lomme,Blackstone,&c.&c.

Lord Mayor Sidneynever can say "Incongruous." Let him try as he will, he never can make it anything but "Incongouus." For instance, with regard to his absurd procession, he confessed it was "an in-Congouus mixture."

No, I've nothing for you.Lady."No, I've nothing for you. You always ask me every time I cross."Boy."Yes, and every time you crosses, you allus gives me nothink!"

Lady."No, I've nothing for you. You always ask me every time I cross."

Boy."Yes, and every time you crosses, you allus gives me nothink!"

In a kindly and reasonable letter to theTimes, theRev. J. M. Capes, a Roman Catholic clergyman, recommends controversialists, both those of his own creed, and Protestants, to conduct their discussions with moderation and decency. This excellent advice, we are sure, will be followed by all disputants of either sect who are arguing for truth.Dr. Cummingapproves of it. So doubtless willDr. Newman. Nay, perhaps one, or two, or even three more, on each side, will adopt the judicious and amiable suggestion ofMr. Capes.

But as the object of the great majority of polemics is not truth but triumph, the probability is that they will not confine themselves to unadorned logic, but like a sort of candidates at the theological hustings, will continue to bandy aspersions, as heretofore, and cover one another with all the ridicule they can, each with the view of bringing his adversary into contempt and odium with the British Public.

Moreover, there is a stake at issue—no offence either to Rome or Geneva; liberty of thought, speech, and writing; freedom, political and social. The question is, whether Britons shall be subjugated to a priesthood and a foreign power—and not only that, but whether, by receiving the religion of Rome, we may not engage ourselves to accept the institutions of Naples. Which question it is not likely that Britons will discuss dispassionately; and moderation may be inculcated to those who are at issue upon it with about as much hope as gentleness and forbearance may be preached to the belligerents in Moldo-Wallachia.

Mr. Capescomplains of "a certain class of objects" of Roman Catholic faith and affection being "made the subjects of scorn, ridicule, and reviling." Very bad taste this on the part of Protestant buffoons. But since, if the objects alluded to are worthy of reverence, any insult that may be offered to them can hurt nobody but the scoffer, surely such bad taste ought not to annoyMr. Capesfurther than by exciting in his mind a painful anxiety for the fate of those who are guilty of it.

LetMr. Capesconsider what manner of persons those are who are vexed by having their persuasions derided. They are not those who believe that two and two make four; no, but those who believe that two and two make something else. They are those who believe whatMr. Capesbelieves; and those who believe themselves to be Kings or Deities.

Alluding to a particular tenet, which to Protestants appears contrary to common sense,Mr. Capessays—

"Let not such a doctrine be made the subject for jesting, scoffing, contemptuous sneers, or those still more revolting attempts at convincing us that we are fools, which the followers of Exeter Hall occasionally adopt."

It seems strange that the attempt to convinceMr. Capesthat he is a fool should be still more revolting to him than the derision of what he esteems most holy. But, not to dwell on this point, how, we may ask, if a dogma is absurd, is it possible to convince a man that it is so without at the same time convincing him that he is a fool for believing it? To use a rather West British form of speech, we are sure that any wise man who differs fromMr. Capeswould be much obliged to that reverend gentleman for proving to him that, in respect of that difference, he was a fool.

The Barristers of England, how hungrily they standAbout the Hall of Westminster, with wig, and gown, and band;With brief bag full of dummies and fee book full ofoughts,Result of the establishment of the New County Courts.The Barristers of England, how listlessly they sit,Expending on each other a small amount of wit;Without the opportunity of doing something worse,By talking nonsense at the cost of some poor client's purse.The Barristers of England, how when they get a cause,They (some of them) will disregard all gentlemanly laws;And bullying the witnesses upon the adverse side,Will do their very utmost the honest truth to hide.The Barristers of England, how withsang froidsublime,They undertake to advocate two causes at one time;And when they find it is a thing impossible to do,They throw one client overboard, but take the fees of two.The Barristers of England, how rarely they refuse,The party they appear against with coarseness to abuse;Feeling a noble consciousness no punishment can reachThe vulgar ribaldry they call the "privilege of speech."The Barristers of England, how often they degradeAn honourable calling to a pettifogging trade,And show how very slight the lines of separation are,Between the cabman's license, and the "licence of the Bar."The Barristers of England, how, if they owe a grudge,They try with insolence to goad a poor Assistant-Judge;And after having bullied him, their bold imposture clenchBy talking of their high respect for the Judicial Bench.The Barristers of England, how sad it is to feelThat rant will pass for energy, and bluster goes for zeal;But 'tis a consolation that 'mid their ranks there areSufficient gentlemen to save the credit of the Bar.

The Barristers of England, how hungrily they stand

About the Hall of Westminster, with wig, and gown, and band;

With brief bag full of dummies and fee book full ofoughts,

Result of the establishment of the New County Courts.

The Barristers of England, how listlessly they sit,Expending on each other a small amount of wit;Without the opportunity of doing something worse,By talking nonsense at the cost of some poor client's purse.

The Barristers of England, how listlessly they sit,

Expending on each other a small amount of wit;

Without the opportunity of doing something worse,

By talking nonsense at the cost of some poor client's purse.

The Barristers of England, how when they get a cause,They (some of them) will disregard all gentlemanly laws;And bullying the witnesses upon the adverse side,Will do their very utmost the honest truth to hide.

The Barristers of England, how when they get a cause,

They (some of them) will disregard all gentlemanly laws;

And bullying the witnesses upon the adverse side,

Will do their very utmost the honest truth to hide.

The Barristers of England, how withsang froidsublime,They undertake to advocate two causes at one time;And when they find it is a thing impossible to do,They throw one client overboard, but take the fees of two.

The Barristers of England, how withsang froidsublime,

They undertake to advocate two causes at one time;

And when they find it is a thing impossible to do,

They throw one client overboard, but take the fees of two.

The Barristers of England, how rarely they refuse,The party they appear against with coarseness to abuse;Feeling a noble consciousness no punishment can reachThe vulgar ribaldry they call the "privilege of speech."

The Barristers of England, how rarely they refuse,

The party they appear against with coarseness to abuse;

Feeling a noble consciousness no punishment can reach

The vulgar ribaldry they call the "privilege of speech."

The Barristers of England, how often they degradeAn honourable calling to a pettifogging trade,And show how very slight the lines of separation are,Between the cabman's license, and the "licence of the Bar."

The Barristers of England, how often they degrade

An honourable calling to a pettifogging trade,

And show how very slight the lines of separation are,

Between the cabman's license, and the "licence of the Bar."

The Barristers of England, how, if they owe a grudge,They try with insolence to goad a poor Assistant-Judge;And after having bullied him, their bold imposture clenchBy talking of their high respect for the Judicial Bench.

The Barristers of England, how, if they owe a grudge,

They try with insolence to goad a poor Assistant-Judge;

And after having bullied him, their bold imposture clench

By talking of their high respect for the Judicial Bench.

The Barristers of England, how sad it is to feelThat rant will pass for energy, and bluster goes for zeal;But 'tis a consolation that 'mid their ranks there areSufficient gentlemen to save the credit of the Bar.

The Barristers of England, how sad it is to feel

That rant will pass for energy, and bluster goes for zeal;

But 'tis a consolation that 'mid their ranks there are

Sufficient gentlemen to save the credit of the Bar.

"Mr. Punch,—When will Sivilians learn to hold theirassininetongs about millitary affairs, I should like to know? Just read this. It is in your preshousTimesthis morning.

'The Indian Sepoys are very fair troops.'

"Now, Sir, I ask you, is such blazing ignoranse to be tollerated? I have served in India, Sir, and the Seapoys are all thebrownest beggarsyou ever saw. Mahoggany's a fool to them. And yet theTimespretends to tell officers and gentlemen their duty. By showing wich up will oblige,Mr. Punch,

"Your Obedient Servant,

"Pall Mall."

"A Cavalry Officer."

Take as much gammon as will lie in the compass of a diplomatic circle; and mince along with butter, sugar, and pigeons' milk in equal quantities. Add olives, well bruised, in sufficient proportion to flavour; and when thoroughly incorporated, mix the whole with puff paste and flummery made into a mess. Mould in a twisted shape, and plunge into hot water, where allow it to bubble, the longer the better. Turn it out when thoroughly done, and serve cool withSauce à la Tartuffe.

That popular work, "The Stomach and Its Difficulties," gives the most accurate notion of the exertions which have been made by the Corporation of London.

Overflowing with Extravagance.—A good November Fog is the cause of poor authors being extremely extravagant, for it forces them to burn "the midnight oil" at noonday.

AAMONG the numerous points which have struckMr. Punchin perusing the evidence taken before the invaluable Commission which is daily forging the hatchet destined to hew down that rotten old tree the Corporation, and scatter its owls and bats, is the remarkably miscellaneous character of the information with which the witnesses favour the Commissioners. Any gentleman who is passing and chooses to step in, is politely asked by the Chairman whether he happens to know anything about the City; to which, with equal off-handedness, he replies, "Well, yes," or "Well, no," as the case may be, and then his evidence is taken. WhileMr. Punchwas waiting to makeSheriff Wallishappy by telling him that he approved of that Sheriff's conduct in refusing to contribute to theSidneySpectacle, he heard something of this kind.

AMONG the numerous points which have struckMr. Punchin perusing the evidence taken before the invaluable Commission which is daily forging the hatchet destined to hew down that rotten old tree the Corporation, and scatter its owls and bats, is the remarkably miscellaneous character of the information with which the witnesses favour the Commissioners. Any gentleman who is passing and chooses to step in, is politely asked by the Chairman whether he happens to know anything about the City; to which, with equal off-handedness, he replies, "Well, yes," or "Well, no," as the case may be, and then his evidence is taken. WhileMr. Punchwas waiting to makeSheriff Wallishappy by telling him that he approved of that Sheriff's conduct in refusing to contribute to theSidneySpectacle, he heard something of this kind.

Mr. Montmorenci Jones: Do I know much about the City? Well, no, not much, but I shall be happy to tell you anything that occurs to me. I have to go to the City sometimes on money matters. Live there? No, I should think not. Who lives there but porters, junior partners, and warehouse cats? I live in Regent Street. But I don't despise the City. I think there are some good points about it. The things in the shops are much better than the West End things—and so far cheaper, but as to actual price it's about the same. You're cheated in the City because ground is so dear, and at the West End because the tradesmen must pay for those gaudy, gilded, ginshop-looking fronts. But the City men are sharper, and insist on a better article—webelieve anything a tradesmen tells us. If you will cleanse away theLord Mayorsand Fleet Ditches, and a few things of that kind; keep out thosePickford'svans and other monster abominations, so that one's cab may not be smashed every time one passes through Temple Bar; widen the thoroughfares, and prevent people from dining at one o'clock, so that one smells dinner before one has well finished breakfast—I think that the welfare of the City would be materially promoted. I may mention, too, that I have seen some very pretty girls in St. Paul's Churchyard, and not so badly dressed as you might expect, but the poor things get jostled so dreadfully by the City fellows, who rush about likeJeameseson an errand, that they always look frightened. I think the Police, that make the cabs go slowly past churches, might be told to keep these fellows at a decent walk when going near ladies. Take a note of that suggestion for your Report.

Mr. Suffeet De Peristyle: I am an architect. O, yes. I have taken much interest in the City; and sometimes, while shaving, I have mentally sketched out plans for improving it. Will I state any? With pleasure; and as my principal plan has relation to the Corporation, it is the more desirable for you to hear it. I am for dealing boldly with the City. Let us begin at Temple Bar, which I would not remove. Take down the whole of the houses on both sides of Fleet Street and Ludgate Hill, and clear the space to the Thames. Embank the Thames. On the left side of Fleet Street, erect a splendid series of halls, cloisters, and habitations, reaching from Temple Bar to St. Paul's. Throw King's College, the London University, Merchant Tailor's, the Blue Coat School, and the Charterhouse into these, and re-endow them, and pay all expenses by confiscating the Corporation estates, and, if necessary, the private property of the Aldermen. Let the right hand side of Fleet Street be a beautiful meadow, with fountains and statues, to the Thames. PreserveMr. Punch's, of course, but rebuild it in alabaster, and make it the feature of the scene. Take down St. Paul's and re-construct it in white marble, which will wash, and clear away in its rear an area of a quarter of a mile, to be paved with mosaic.—(The Commission, fairly aghast and out of breath, cause the witness to be removed.)

Mr. Grubb: I keep the accounts in a City house, as my father did before me, and I hope my son will after me. I do not desire to see any alteration in the Corporation, in the City, or anywhere. I was very happy on my tall black stool for forty years, and now they've pulled a house down in their precious improvements, and the sun falls right in my eyes, and I have been obliged to move the desk at which my father took his seat in 1789. Time of the French Revolution? I dare say it was; I don't take much heed of politics, especially sinceBilly Pitt. You've nobody like him now. I saw his funeral in Feberwerry, 1806—yes, I saw that last year, but it was not equal toBilly Pitt's. If you'll take my advice you'll let well alone; but of course you won't. I don't know what the world's coming to—the youngsters in our house are taking to moustarshiars, and a young radical of sixteen declares he can't exist without his shower-bath. Little enough such brats washed themselves in my times—a dip in the New River once a month, or so, satisfied them, and somehow we managed Trafalgar and Waterloo without your boards of health, and missionaries in sewers, or whatever you call them. Once more, I say, let well alone.

Illustrious and excellent brother,Don't consider me rude or unkind,If, as from one Prince to another,I give you a bit of my mind—And I do so with all the more roundness,As your conduct amongst us has shownA propriety, judgment, and soundnessOf taste, not surpassed by my own.You've respectedJohn Bull'slittle oddities,Never trod on the old fellow's corns;Chose his pictures and statue—commoditiesWherein his own blunders he mourns.And if you're a leetle more GermanIn these than I'd have you—what is'tBeyond what a critic may term anEducational bias or twist?On the summer-house walls, in your garden,Of R.A.'s., fresco-painters you've made;A demand which some of them won't pardonSince good drawing's required for the trade.You've roused to new life the SocietyOf Arts, which had grown mighty flat;And the Army to you, with propriety,Attributes the famedAlberthat.When the zeal for the Great ExhibitionDown to zero seemed likely to drop,Mayors Provincial, at your requisition,Of a sudden showed souls above shop.Inspired up they went, like sky-rockets,At the call of a Patriot Prince—Nay, more, put their hands in their pocketsTo a tune ne'er before known—nor since.Foundation stones, past calculation,Workmanlike, you have laid, true and squareAnd a curiously dinner-rid nationHas still found you a saint in the chair.Goodness knows what ineffable dinners,What drinks deleterious you've borne,What prosing from long-winded sinnersYou've endured with a patience unworn!You have never pressed forward unbidden;When called on you've never shown shameNot paraded, nor prudishly hiddenYour person, your purse, or your name;You've lent no man occasion to call youIntruder, intriguer, or tool;Even I've not had often to haul youO'er the coals, or to take you to school.All this, my dearPrince, gives me boldness—Which,au reste, our positions allow—For a hint (which you'll not charge to coldness,After all I have written just now):Which is to put down certain flunkies,Who by flatt'ry your favour would earn,Pelting praise at your head, as at monkeysTars throw stones—to get nuts in return.MyLord Mayormay beplaster his liveriesWith velvet and gingerbread gold;Though all, what he'd perhaps call "diskiveries,"Are bursting from every fold:He may perch up aJusticefrom Astley'sAtop of a property car,Not less fit for the day, or less ghastly'sHer rouge, than frauds corporate are.He may summon his friends to swill turtle,And gulp ven'son, like pigs in a stye;—Line the Mansion House staircase with myrtleAnd laurel—the Sphynx can tell why;—He may bow to the Bench of Exchequer,Have Ministers sit at his board;—Civic barges no farther from wreck are,GogandMagogno less shall be floored.The hands that prepare your ovation,My dearPrince, ought at least to be clean;Not the hands of a doomed Corporation,Fouled with all that is venal and mean:There's the smut of the poor man's coals there,Whereof tithe they've unrighteously taken;There's the flour of the poor man's rolls there,And the grease of the poor man's bacon.Then silence your civic applauders,Lest better men cease from applauseHe who tribute accepts of marauders,Is held to be pledged to their cause.Let no Corporate magnates of LondonAn honour presume to award:Their own needs, till ill-doings be undone,Little honour to spare can afford!

Illustrious and excellent brother,

Don't consider me rude or unkind,

If, as from one Prince to another,

I give you a bit of my mind—

And I do so with all the more roundness,

As your conduct amongst us has shown

A propriety, judgment, and soundness

Of taste, not surpassed by my own.

You've respectedJohn Bull'slittle oddities,Never trod on the old fellow's corns;Chose his pictures and statue—commoditiesWherein his own blunders he mourns.And if you're a leetle more GermanIn these than I'd have you—what is'tBeyond what a critic may term anEducational bias or twist?

You've respectedJohn Bull'slittle oddities,

Never trod on the old fellow's corns;

Chose his pictures and statue—commodities

Wherein his own blunders he mourns.

And if you're a leetle more German

In these than I'd have you—what is't

Beyond what a critic may term an

Educational bias or twist?

On the summer-house walls, in your garden,Of R.A.'s., fresco-painters you've made;A demand which some of them won't pardonSince good drawing's required for the trade.You've roused to new life the SocietyOf Arts, which had grown mighty flat;And the Army to you, with propriety,Attributes the famedAlberthat.

On the summer-house walls, in your garden,

Of R.A.'s., fresco-painters you've made;

A demand which some of them won't pardon

Since good drawing's required for the trade.

You've roused to new life the Society

Of Arts, which had grown mighty flat;

And the Army to you, with propriety,

Attributes the famedAlberthat.

When the zeal for the Great ExhibitionDown to zero seemed likely to drop,Mayors Provincial, at your requisition,Of a sudden showed souls above shop.Inspired up they went, like sky-rockets,At the call of a Patriot Prince—Nay, more, put their hands in their pocketsTo a tune ne'er before known—nor since.

When the zeal for the Great Exhibition

Down to zero seemed likely to drop,

Mayors Provincial, at your requisition,

Of a sudden showed souls above shop.

Inspired up they went, like sky-rockets,

At the call of a Patriot Prince—

Nay, more, put their hands in their pockets

To a tune ne'er before known—nor since.

Foundation stones, past calculation,Workmanlike, you have laid, true and squareAnd a curiously dinner-rid nationHas still found you a saint in the chair.Goodness knows what ineffable dinners,What drinks deleterious you've borne,What prosing from long-winded sinnersYou've endured with a patience unworn!

Foundation stones, past calculation,

Workmanlike, you have laid, true and square

And a curiously dinner-rid nation

Has still found you a saint in the chair.

Goodness knows what ineffable dinners,

What drinks deleterious you've borne,

What prosing from long-winded sinners

You've endured with a patience unworn!

You have never pressed forward unbidden;When called on you've never shown shameNot paraded, nor prudishly hiddenYour person, your purse, or your name;You've lent no man occasion to call youIntruder, intriguer, or tool;Even I've not had often to haul youO'er the coals, or to take you to school.

You have never pressed forward unbidden;

When called on you've never shown shame

Not paraded, nor prudishly hidden

Your person, your purse, or your name;

You've lent no man occasion to call you

Intruder, intriguer, or tool;

Even I've not had often to haul you

O'er the coals, or to take you to school.

All this, my dearPrince, gives me boldness—Which,au reste, our positions allow—For a hint (which you'll not charge to coldness,After all I have written just now):Which is to put down certain flunkies,Who by flatt'ry your favour would earn,Pelting praise at your head, as at monkeysTars throw stones—to get nuts in return.

All this, my dearPrince, gives me boldness—

Which,au reste, our positions allow—

For a hint (which you'll not charge to coldness,

After all I have written just now):

Which is to put down certain flunkies,

Who by flatt'ry your favour would earn,

Pelting praise at your head, as at monkeys

Tars throw stones—to get nuts in return.

MyLord Mayormay beplaster his liveriesWith velvet and gingerbread gold;Though all, what he'd perhaps call "diskiveries,"Are bursting from every fold:He may perch up aJusticefrom Astley'sAtop of a property car,Not less fit for the day, or less ghastly'sHer rouge, than frauds corporate are.

MyLord Mayormay beplaster his liveries

With velvet and gingerbread gold;

Though all, what he'd perhaps call "diskiveries,"

Are bursting from every fold:

He may perch up aJusticefrom Astley's

Atop of a property car,

Not less fit for the day, or less ghastly's

Her rouge, than frauds corporate are.

He may summon his friends to swill turtle,And gulp ven'son, like pigs in a stye;—Line the Mansion House staircase with myrtleAnd laurel—the Sphynx can tell why;—He may bow to the Bench of Exchequer,Have Ministers sit at his board;—Civic barges no farther from wreck are,GogandMagogno less shall be floored.

He may summon his friends to swill turtle,

And gulp ven'son, like pigs in a stye;—

Line the Mansion House staircase with myrtle

And laurel—the Sphynx can tell why;—

He may bow to the Bench of Exchequer,

Have Ministers sit at his board;—

Civic barges no farther from wreck are,

GogandMagogno less shall be floored.

The hands that prepare your ovation,My dearPrince, ought at least to be clean;Not the hands of a doomed Corporation,Fouled with all that is venal and mean:There's the smut of the poor man's coals there,Whereof tithe they've unrighteously taken;There's the flour of the poor man's rolls there,And the grease of the poor man's bacon.

The hands that prepare your ovation,

My dearPrince, ought at least to be clean;

Not the hands of a doomed Corporation,

Fouled with all that is venal and mean:

There's the smut of the poor man's coals there,

Whereof tithe they've unrighteously taken;

There's the flour of the poor man's rolls there,

And the grease of the poor man's bacon.

Then silence your civic applauders,Lest better men cease from applauseHe who tribute accepts of marauders,Is held to be pledged to their cause.Let no Corporate magnates of LondonAn honour presume to award:Their own needs, till ill-doings be undone,Little honour to spare can afford!

Then silence your civic applauders,

Lest better men cease from applause

He who tribute accepts of marauders,

Is held to be pledged to their cause.

Let no Corporate magnates of London

An honour presume to award:

Their own needs, till ill-doings be undone,

Little honour to spare can afford!

Scotchmen are famous for their economical disposition. Here is a remarkable instance of Scotch economy:—

"LETTER CARRIERS—AN APPEAL."To the Editor of the Glasgow Herald."Dear Sir,—We feel, with you, indignant at the scurvy treatment we have received at the hands of the London authorities, in reference to our Post Office, and think we ought to take the matter in the meantime in our own hands, so far as concerns theCarriers."We all confess they are badly paid, and a highly deserving class of public servants. We therefore propose to all the merchants in this district to co-operate with us and form a committee, to give a practical expression to our feelings for the men, by raising a fund to give them at least 4s.per week extra to their present low salaries, and a suit of comfortable uniform."We calculate that a very small weekly sum from a tenth part of the merchants here would place the men for one year in a comfortable position, and be the means more fully of calling public attention and indignation to the subject."If the above scheme succeeds in this district, it might be extended to others."We shall be glad to receive communications on this proposal, and shall consider ourselves richly paid for any trouble we have taken in the matter, if it be the means of placing theLetter Carriersin comparative comfort."We are, dear Sir, yours very truly,"Wilson & Matheson, 58, Candleriggs."

"LETTER CARRIERS—AN APPEAL."To the Editor of the Glasgow Herald.

"Dear Sir,—We feel, with you, indignant at the scurvy treatment we have received at the hands of the London authorities, in reference to our Post Office, and think we ought to take the matter in the meantime in our own hands, so far as concerns theCarriers.

"We all confess they are badly paid, and a highly deserving class of public servants. We therefore propose to all the merchants in this district to co-operate with us and form a committee, to give a practical expression to our feelings for the men, by raising a fund to give them at least 4s.per week extra to their present low salaries, and a suit of comfortable uniform.

"We calculate that a very small weekly sum from a tenth part of the merchants here would place the men for one year in a comfortable position, and be the means more fully of calling public attention and indignation to the subject.

"If the above scheme succeeds in this district, it might be extended to others.

"We shall be glad to receive communications on this proposal, and shall consider ourselves richly paid for any trouble we have taken in the matter, if it be the means of placing theLetter Carriersin comparative comfort.

"We are, dear Sir, yours very truly,

"Wilson & Matheson, 58, Candleriggs."

It is much cheaper for a merchant to contribute a small weekly sum towards giving his letter carrier a proper salary, than it is to be out of pocket through having letters of importance, some containing remittances, mislaid or stolen, because the man is not paid enough to induce a competent and honest person to undertake the situation.

This example of Scotch prudence, therefore, is one that deserves to be followed by the generous commercial public, indeed by the public at large, of England: ifHer Majesty'supper servants at Downing Street cannot be induced to allot a fair proportion of wages toHer Majesty'sunder servants in connexion with St. Martin's-le-Grand.

But it would really be almost a saving if the Government were to give the postmen a reasonable hire. WhenMercurythe messenger turnsMercurythe thief, and, tempted by want, steals half-a-sovereign, marked byMr. Sculthorpe, out of the letter he is intrusted with, getting himself, by that act, into the dock at the Assizes, and thence into penal servitude, he costs the country, from first to last, more than would have sufficed to maintain several honestMercuriesduring the same time in blue and scarlet and respectability.

That the proposal, alike judicious and handsome, for making up for Government's stinginess to the letter carriers by private liberality, should have emanated fromMessrs. Wilson and Mathesonof Glasgow, is a fact that adds a feather to the cap of Scotland, and if acted upon by their countrymen, will render it impossible any longer to withhold the position on the Royal Standard, which is claimed by that sagacious and noble animal the Scottish Lion.

The companion volume to the above elegant publication is the "Almanach des 25,000 Addresses," published at Paris. We do not know who is the Editor of that interesting volume, in which may be found some of the greatest names in French literature and science, but we should say that no one would be better qualified for the task than theBritish Drama, as no one, as our stage can testify, can possibly be acquainted with a greater number ofFrench cribs.

TheEmperor of Russia'slying manifesto concludes with a quotation from a Psalm. This is only fresh proof that oldNicholascan quote Scripture for his purpose.

The Most Curious Thing.—A woman not being curious!

"My dear Mr. Punch,

"My sonHenry—who promised to be such a good young man—has, I am sorry to say, acquired thatnasty dirtyhabit of smoking tobacco, in which he indulges from morning till night: such a pity at his time of life! for he is not of age yet. In theTimesthe other day I saw a letter about the Smoke Nuisance, proposing to cure it by 'very frequent feeding in small quantities, and a reward for no smoke.' Do you think, now, it would be possible to breakHenryof smoking by continually tempting him with little bits of something very nice to eat?—the worst of it is that filthy practice has quite spoiled his taste for cake and tart. Reward for no smoke I have offered in vain. I should besomuch obliged to you,Mr. Punch, if youcouldsuggest any plan by which I could manage to wean my child from his cigars by frequent feeding in small quantities; indeed, indeed, it would be quite a charity to

"A Mother."

⁂The frequent feeding in small quantities might, in all probability, be accomplished easily enough. An occasional kidney—if devilled, so much the better; a broiled bone now and then; from time to time a sausage; an anchovy toast after dessert: later in the evening, perhaps, a poached egg, a Welsh rabbit, or a few scalloped oysters: these and similar delicacies substituted for pastry, would most likely very much simplify the difficulty of gettingHenryto take small quantities of food at short intervals. But experience unfortunately proves that such a system of diet is not generally accompanied, on the part of young men, by a discontinuance of smoking; whilst it is almost always attended with an excessive consumption of malt liquor.—Punch.

BLIND CHARITYBLIND CHARITY.

The Council of King's College have dismissedProfessor Mauricefrom his lectureships, because those theologians disapprove of his views on a question which is left open by their common Church. The point in dispute was not settled at the first Council of Nice; but it has now been decided by a modern Council of Nice Men.

A leading journal says that theCzar, in calculating upon crushing Turkey, "reckoned without his host." Rather, we should say, he reckoned upon his host; but a few more defeats, andNicholaswill be driven to the solitary reckoning in question, and be unable to discharge the shot.

The Dearness of Bread.—A Political Baker attributes this to the war in Turkey, for he says "it is all owing to the rise in the (y)East."

The Last Job for the City.—Having tolled every thing else that they can the civic body have now only to toll their own knell.

It's all right, Granma! My candle is outMaster Tom (to Old Lady who is very nervous about fire)."It's all right, Granma! My candle is out. I'm only smoking my Usual Weed!"

Master Tom (to Old Lady who is very nervous about fire)."It's all right, Granma! My candle is out. I'm only smoking my Usual Weed!"

TheCourt Circularinformed us the other day that "there was no addition to the Royal dinner yesterday." We should not have had the impertinence to speculate on the bill of fare at the Palace, had we not been, as it were, invited to the subject by the Court Newsman, who tells us that there was "no addition to the Royal dinner." We can only compliment those who have the arrangement of the Palace provisions on their frugality, which in these days of dear provisions is a virtue that all housekeepers would do well to imitate.

If there was "no addition to the Royal dinner," it is clear that the Royal Family must, on the day in question, have been eating cold—or at most hashed—the "joint" of the day previous. We confess we do not like the idea of the younger branches being deprived of any of those little luxuries so dear to juvenile as well as to "other lips and other hearts;" and, therefore, in the event of any future announcement of "no addition to the Royal dinner," we should be glad to read the extra intimation "butthere was a pudding in the nursery."

It is usual with small tradesmen to increase the weight of coals by sprinkling cold water upon them; but in the City the reason why coals come so heavy is owing to theCity dewsfalling upon them for twenty miles round London. When these dews are collected, it is found that the difference, which, of course, weighs upon the price, amounts, in the course of the year, to many hundred thousands of pounds!

WWHAT has become of the Russians, of whom 80,000 were said to have passed the Pruth, while 24,000 is the greatest number that has been yet accounted for. People are beginning to suspect that the Russian Army in the Principalities is like the Russian Army atAstley'shaving a considerable force behind some imaginary hills, and running round and round by the back of the stage to give an appearance of numbers. We all know that theatrical population progresses more rapidly than any other kind of population; and if our census shows that we double ourselves in fourteen years, a dramatic census will show that a theatrical population—if well marshalled by the stage manager—will double itself in less than five minutes. These considerations, however, do not help us in our difficulty, when we ask what has become of some 40,000 or 50,000 Russians that are wholly unaccounted for? We may be told in the usual loose phraseology of the chronology of war that they have been "cut to pieces." But before we can believe this dreadful assertion, we have a right to demand the production of at least the "bits" into which the Russians have either been smashed, chopped or beaten. Perhaps the most plausible way of accounting for the slaughter of the thousands of Russians whose remains are nowhere to be found is by the very natural supposition that they were but giants of the imagination, manufactured before they were slain by some literaryTom Thumb, who is "doing the foreign correspondence" of some London journal in his lodgings at Lambeth.

WHAT has become of the Russians, of whom 80,000 were said to have passed the Pruth, while 24,000 is the greatest number that has been yet accounted for. People are beginning to suspect that the Russian Army in the Principalities is like the Russian Army atAstley'shaving a considerable force behind some imaginary hills, and running round and round by the back of the stage to give an appearance of numbers. We all know that theatrical population progresses more rapidly than any other kind of population; and if our census shows that we double ourselves in fourteen years, a dramatic census will show that a theatrical population—if well marshalled by the stage manager—will double itself in less than five minutes. These considerations, however, do not help us in our difficulty, when we ask what has become of some 40,000 or 50,000 Russians that are wholly unaccounted for? We may be told in the usual loose phraseology of the chronology of war that they have been "cut to pieces." But before we can believe this dreadful assertion, we have a right to demand the production of at least the "bits" into which the Russians have either been smashed, chopped or beaten. Perhaps the most plausible way of accounting for the slaughter of the thousands of Russians whose remains are nowhere to be found is by the very natural supposition that they were but giants of the imagination, manufactured before they were slain by some literaryTom Thumb, who is "doing the foreign correspondence" of some London journal in his lodgings at Lambeth.

We understand thatPrince Alberthas nothing whatever to do with the movement got up by the (late)Lord Mayor, and indeedHis Royal Highnesshas as much distaste for the baneful cup of adulation as he has for "the poisonedChallis."

Somebody is advertising every day an instrument warranted to "frighten but not kill" the public in general. The terrific instrument is no less than a Gong, which for 40 shillings will frighten a thief, will "appal a burglar" for 60 shillings, and for the comparatively small matter of four pounds will "alarm the country." We hope the Government will at once put a prohibitory duty on these gongs, for it will be an awful state of things if anybody may have it in his power to frighten the isle from its propriety for eighty shillings. Unless something is immediately done to check the danger that threatens us, there is no doubt that "Bang goes the Gong" will become as great a nuisance as "Pop goes the Weasel."

Accounts from Honduras represent the turtle in the Bay as exhibiting symptoms of extraordinary excitement; flapping their fins, paddling about with unwonted rapidity, lifting themselves on end and dancing and jumping out of the water; in short, realising the most vivid idea of lively turtle. These symptoms of hilarity among the furnishers of green fat have been referred to the anticipation of the extinction of the City of London Corporation, and consequent discontinuance of theLord Mayor'sdinners.

The uniform ofPrince Gortschakoffhas not been described. We believe the principal article of it is a "cut-away."

Everybody is for reducing the duty on French wines, except certain wine-merchants. As importers, the interests of those gentlemen could hardly be affected by the reduction; but perhaps they do not look on port and import as exactly the same thing.

The Oldest Anchorite.—Hope.

A BEAR WITH A SORE HEAD"A BEAR WITH A SORE HEAD."

OOUR old FriendMr. Hindhaving introduced another new planet (the ninth discovered by him) to the notice of mortals, the announcement was received by all the sidereal bodies with the greatest satisfaction, and indeed so greatly increased the perturbations under which some of them habitually labour, thatZadkielhas been compelled to publish a supplement to his Almanack, and to predict the arrival of the Greek kalends, the destruction of the Thames by fire, and, simultaneously with these events, the extinction ofPunch.Saturn, in particular, who considers that the calumnious report of his having devoured his own children had its origin in our ignorance of the existence of those children, as a group of asteroids betweenMarsandJupiter, and who is consequently delighted whenever by the discovery of such asteroids his character is cleared, was so overcome with joy, that no child born during the past week will ever be injured in after life by this generally malignant planet.

OUR old FriendMr. Hindhaving introduced another new planet (the ninth discovered by him) to the notice of mortals, the announcement was received by all the sidereal bodies with the greatest satisfaction, and indeed so greatly increased the perturbations under which some of them habitually labour, thatZadkielhas been compelled to publish a supplement to his Almanack, and to predict the arrival of the Greek kalends, the destruction of the Thames by fire, and, simultaneously with these events, the extinction ofPunch.Saturn, in particular, who considers that the calumnious report of his having devoured his own children had its origin in our ignorance of the existence of those children, as a group of asteroids betweenMarsandJupiter, and who is consequently delighted whenever by the discovery of such asteroids his character is cleared, was so overcome with joy, that no child born during the past week will ever be injured in after life by this generally malignant planet.

Many of the stars, moreover, feeling that something was due toMr. Hindfor his persevering efforts on their behalf, resolved to call a public meeting to consider the best means of expressing their gratitude. ThePleiades, as occupying the centre of the universe, kindly offered their rooms for the purpose; andMerope, whose marriage with a mortal caused her to lose half her brightness, and brought upon her frequent snubbings from her sisters, brightened up again on perceiving that her haughty relatives were disposed to patronise one of her husband's race. The meeting was numerously attended, but excuses were received from some of the more distant stars, who alleged that if they travelled at the rate of 12,000,000 of miles per minute they could not arrive until 4,000 years after the meeting had broken up. TheGreat Bearpleaded illness as an excuse for non-attendance; and it was whispered that mortification at the ill success ofPrince Gortschakoffhad brought on a fit of the gout. Many of theNebulæarrived from a great distance, and were accommodated with seats in the Strangers Gallery; but we regretted to observe that their uncouth forms laid them open to the silly remarks ofCapricorn, who certainly cannot boast of his own personal attractions, and ofJupiter'ssatellites, who, though they are bound to amuse their master, should have known better than to insult foreigners. In the Reporters' Gallery theGeminiattended for theHeraldandStandard, but could only muster one pen between them;Taurusappeared for the Conservative weeklies, andSirius(Tobyisen rapportwith Sirius, and always howls when he sees him,) kindly undertook to report forPunch.

After an absurd attempt on the part of a clique to thrust the sun of our system into the chair,Alcyone, who is at present the centre of gravity round which the whole universe revolves, was selected for that important office, and immediately called upon "her excellent friendMercury," for the first and only resolution. Thefacundus neposAtlantisthus adjured, in a speech replete with eloquence, moved, "That this meeting, viewing with extreme displeasure the practice of associating the newly discovered sidereal bodies with the names of persons who have had no share in the discovery, proposes to call the nine planets, discovered byMr. Hind, by the common name ofHind'sNight Lights, as a small mark of the grateful feelings entertained for that astronomer throughout the sidereal system." This resolution, having been briefly seconded byAldebaran, was put and carried unanimously; and, after the customary vote of thanks toAlcyone, the stars returned to their orbits; but not until the nine planets aforesaid, who, dressed in white, had been seated in a row on the platform, had inducedPolluxto take round a castor, and make a collection for their support. We ought also to state that the well-knownMusic of the Sphereswas in attendance, and gave great satisfaction by its performance of "Vaga Luna," "Oft in the Stilly Night," "Rise Gentle Moon," and other airs set for "Voices of the Night." WhenMercuryalluded to the disappearance of two stars from the constellations—HerculesandLyra—these celestial voices sang "The Light of Other Days" with much taste. Indeed, the taste for singing whichShakspereascribed to the stars is in no way diminished, for the whole meeting, on breaking up, joined very nicely in

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