OOUR friend theBishop of Londonhas published a circular urging his clergy to exert themselves to recruit the failing finances of the Society for Promoting the Employment of Additional Curates in Populous Places. Very good; let all the other bishops issue similar injunctions; and perhaps they will not forget to point out that a great many additional curates might be provided for populous places out of the excess of income enjoyed by pluralists, who are the incumbents of places, some of which are comparatively uninhabited. Their Lordships might, by example as well as precept, urge their over-paid clergy to exert themselves for the required object, by pulling out a large amount of their superfluous revenues, if they can possibly stand so much exertion. Perhaps it would be as well to try the effect of this exhortation on the clergy first, and appeal to the laity, if necessary, afterwards.
OUR friend theBishop of Londonhas published a circular urging his clergy to exert themselves to recruit the failing finances of the Society for Promoting the Employment of Additional Curates in Populous Places. Very good; let all the other bishops issue similar injunctions; and perhaps they will not forget to point out that a great many additional curates might be provided for populous places out of the excess of income enjoyed by pluralists, who are the incumbents of places, some of which are comparatively uninhabited. Their Lordships might, by example as well as precept, urge their over-paid clergy to exert themselves for the required object, by pulling out a large amount of their superfluous revenues, if they can possibly stand so much exertion. Perhaps it would be as well to try the effect of this exhortation on the clergy first, and appeal to the laity, if necessary, afterwards.
Lord Palmerstonhas resigned. Speculation is rife as to the cause. We are in a position to state confidently, that his retirement is owing neither to the Eastern question, nor the Reform Bill, but to the despair of the active Home Secretary at the deluge of letters which he has drawn down by his offer made at Perth to listen to everybody's grievances, and consider everybody's suggestions—an undertaking which he has found himself so utterly unable to redeem, that he has determined on withdrawing altogether from the attempt.
Joke for the Stock-Exchange.—Instead of asking "How goes the Enemy?" for "What's o'Clock?" we now ask, "How goes theEmperor of Russia?"
StandPrince Alberta Statue—it then mayn't be hardTo induce him to stand, by and by, for a Ward;There ain't any lor, as I knows on, agin it,And there's nothing, as I see, preposterous in it.The wery next year pop him into the Chair,And have thePrince Consorthimself forLord Mayor,With an out-and-out Show on the ninth of November—Of thePrince of Walesthat, too, 's the birthday, remember.What a sight!—to behold it all London would trudge—TheRecorderpresenting thePrinceto theJudge,Relating his history, birth, education.And how he has always behaved in his station.His R'y'l Highness to see, his official robes drest in,A countin' the hobnails—oh how interstin'!TheIllustrious Newswould set forth the whole story,With a beautiful cut of thePrincein his glory.Only fancy the feast at Guildhall—'t would be splendid,And then what if theLady May'resscondescendedTo honour the spread—and to give circulationTo the Loving Cup—kissed to her liege Corporation!Why there we should witness—whilst we was a-dining—The Mace and the Sceptre in friendship combining,Bound together with garlands of laurel and myrtle;What a comfort to view as we sucked up the turtle!Because we should hail in that union a tokenOf a tie to be never undone, cut, or broken;And a pledge that, as long as the Crown stands unshaken,From Reform London City shall save its fat bacon.
StandPrince Alberta Statue—it then mayn't be hardTo induce him to stand, by and by, for a Ward;There ain't any lor, as I knows on, agin it,And there's nothing, as I see, preposterous in it.
StandPrince Alberta Statue—it then mayn't be hard
To induce him to stand, by and by, for a Ward;
There ain't any lor, as I knows on, agin it,
And there's nothing, as I see, preposterous in it.
The wery next year pop him into the Chair,And have thePrince Consorthimself forLord Mayor,With an out-and-out Show on the ninth of November—Of thePrince of Walesthat, too, 's the birthday, remember.
The wery next year pop him into the Chair,
And have thePrince Consorthimself forLord Mayor,
With an out-and-out Show on the ninth of November—
Of thePrince of Walesthat, too, 's the birthday, remember.
What a sight!—to behold it all London would trudge—TheRecorderpresenting thePrinceto theJudge,Relating his history, birth, education.And how he has always behaved in his station.
What a sight!—to behold it all London would trudge—
TheRecorderpresenting thePrinceto theJudge,
Relating his history, birth, education.
And how he has always behaved in his station.
His R'y'l Highness to see, his official robes drest in,A countin' the hobnails—oh how interstin'!TheIllustrious Newswould set forth the whole story,With a beautiful cut of thePrincein his glory.
His R'y'l Highness to see, his official robes drest in,
A countin' the hobnails—oh how interstin'!
TheIllustrious Newswould set forth the whole story,
With a beautiful cut of thePrincein his glory.
Only fancy the feast at Guildhall—'t would be splendid,And then what if theLady May'resscondescendedTo honour the spread—and to give circulationTo the Loving Cup—kissed to her liege Corporation!
Only fancy the feast at Guildhall—'t would be splendid,
And then what if theLady May'resscondescended
To honour the spread—and to give circulation
To the Loving Cup—kissed to her liege Corporation!
Why there we should witness—whilst we was a-dining—The Mace and the Sceptre in friendship combining,Bound together with garlands of laurel and myrtle;What a comfort to view as we sucked up the turtle!
Why there we should witness—whilst we was a-dining—
The Mace and the Sceptre in friendship combining,
Bound together with garlands of laurel and myrtle;
What a comfort to view as we sucked up the turtle!
Because we should hail in that union a tokenOf a tie to be never undone, cut, or broken;And a pledge that, as long as the Crown stands unshaken,From Reform London City shall save its fat bacon.
Because we should hail in that union a token
Of a tie to be never undone, cut, or broken;
And a pledge that, as long as the Crown stands unshaken,
From Reform London City shall save its fat bacon.
cartoon
An Old Maid, who confesses to thirty-five, says: "She doesn't believe—not a bit of it—in the nonsense that men talk about breaking their hearts! It's her firm belief there never was a man yet who broke his heart—or if there was, that he broke it as a lobster breaks one of his claws, another one shooting up very quickly in its place."
Any success gained by the Russians over the Turks causes a fall of the funds of course; because theCzar'sinvasion of the Principalities is in fact a mere Bear Speculation.
There is a little book called "What Shall I Do with my Money?" Had not the author better send a copy of it to the Registrar of the Prerogative Court of Canterbury?
The Good Old Drinking Days.—When every Jack had his Gill.
The Good Old Drinking Days.—When every Jack had his Gill.
"Mr. Punch Sir,
"Wich it is well known you ain't no friend to 'bus drivers in giniral but as the friend of umanity our conductor says as ow you may be rote to on a subjec wich hevery man as works a 'bus on the Kinsinton line ave somethink to say to. Now the frost as set in its ard lines for our 'osses and nosayin wen youre to get thro a jurney along of that ere blessed Ide Par Corner ill and the Gore wich it is the artbreakinest bit o' road anyweres out o' London and osses lyin about this week in all direckshuns, like the stage at Hashleys arter the battle o Waterloo, and hinsides as sticks to their places and wont get hout no not to walk a hinch and the poor 'osses a tearin their arts out wich it goes to a man's art to use the wip to an oss as is doin its best, and conductors hup and down like arlekins hevery minit, and city-gents hawful cross and no wonder tied to time all as one as a 'bus. And all the while there's that ere byootiful bit o' road through the Park, nice new gravel and no ills and we mustn't turn out o' the road into the Park no not if our osses died for it and why not, I'd like to know?
Why acos we're 'bus-drivers and its a buss and the osses is buss osses and the riders ain't people as keeps their carridges, wich we arnt haristercratical enuff for the Parks as is public propity and kep up houter rates and taxes wich who pays them I know well enuff, and keeps them 'ere parties in the green livries so uncommon snug and pleasant not to speke o' the crushers. Now wot a city gent as rides reglar with me says is this 'ere ain't the publick convenience nothink and cruelty to hanimals wich we drivers is pulled up pretty sharp if we works an 'oss with a collar-gall, a speedy-cut or anythink like that 'ere and its forty shillin in no time. I'd a rote this toLord Palmerstonwich he said hanybody was to rite heverythink as was rong to im and e'd see justice done wich it aint now I know not by a jolly lot but he's out and so I rites to you instead opin you'll excuse the libberty and speke to the Guvment leastwaysSir William Molesworthas is a friend o' the people wich is well beknown, to ave the Park hopened to public carridges—that is 'busses, for the cabbies can rite for themselves.
So no more at present from your umbel servant,
John Broad.
(Driver No. 3 Ardwick these twelve yearand never pulled up wonst.)
Tenders will be received at the Office of the First Lord of the Treasury, or the Office of the Foreign Secretary, forCosmeticsto Improve theComplexionofEastern Affairs.
By Order of their Lordships,
Downing Street, 22nd Dec., 1853.
R. E. D. TAPE.
The power of lifting a chair depends entirely upon the way in which you take hold of it: and so it is with a seat in Parliament—perfectly hopeless to think of picking one up, unless you can command a goodpurchase.
Alfred de Musset'sproverb tells us very positively that "Il faut qu'une Porte soit ouverte, ou fermée". TheEmperor Nicholasseems to be of the same opinion, and he is now trying with all his might and main, both on land and water, to have the Porte shut up as quick as he can. We hope he will only succeed in having the Porte slammed in his face.
Q.Of what wood should a Christmas Tree be composed?
A.Of Box, and so make it a Christmas-Box Tree.
Christmas Waits—for "The Good Time Coming, Boys,"—only we suppose that, like us, Christmas must "wait a little longer."
Words! Words! Words!—Long words, like long dresses, frequently hide something wrong about the understanding.
The Oldest Note of Interrogation.—A note, asking you if you are engaged on Christmas Day?
The Oldest Note of Interrogation.—A note, asking you if you are engaged on Christmas Day?
Experience.—Women dislike talkative men:they know how it's done.
Experience.—Women dislike talkative men:they know how it's done.
A Lazy Horse.—The Pegasus of Genius seldom stirs without the spur of necessity.
A Lazy Horse.—The Pegasus of Genius seldom stirs without the spur of necessity.
TERRIFIC SITUATIONTERRIFIC SITUATION!Heroine of Domestic Drama pursued by the Unprincipled Villian is about to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!
Heroine of Domestic Drama pursued by the Unprincipled Villian is about to cast herself headlong from a tremendous precipice!
Among our Provident Institutions are Life Assurance Societies for Parents, which are Death Assurance Societies for Children. They are otherwise called Coffin Clubs. They engage to find the money for the coffin: the subscriber, father or mother, finds the occupant for it—by murder.
The Grand Jury at the Liverpool Assizes has expressed its opinion that the temptation thus afforded should be destroyed by law. That might be done, perhaps, by prohibiting the club from paying anybody on account of a death but the undertaker. But what need of such clubs at all?
Such clubs are necessary to protect the poor from being ruined by a heavy expense. But why the heavy expense? When I have shuffled off this mortal coil—what does it want, except to be put reverently underground? Cannot that be done for a very small sum of money? Why is it not done on reasonable terms? Simply because the mode of doing it is not reasonable. Its performance is attended with a useless sacrifice of furniture—necessitated by the tyranny of custom—to show what is falsely termed "proper respect." Proper respect is affectionate memory—not furniture.
Should I want "proper respect" to be shown to my leg, if I had the misfortune to lose it, by having it enclosed in an ornamental box, and deposited in a subterranean apartment, with a large expenditure in wages, coach-hire, silk, and crape, and feathers extracted from the tail of a great bird? If the leg is not to be treated with such "proper respect," why is the trunk?
The rich show "proper respect" by means of ostrich feathers and such like. The poor are obliged to follow their lead as far as they can—and farther. Hence Coffin Clubs—whence infanticide.
Superior Classes, every nail that you drive to show "proper respect," is an incentive to child-murder.
Cardinal Wiseman, in his interview with thePope, promised his Holiness, that in a few years there would not be a single heretic in England. Of course this is only "theor-heretically speaking," but we are afraid theCardinalwill find the practice quite another thing.
The Home of the British Drama.—A French Crib.
The Home of the British Drama.—A French Crib.
Word of Peace!—on Earth first spoken nigh two thousand years ago,Art thou at this moment broken?—and who dares belie thee so?'Tis a tyrant, cruel, scheming, whose ambition takes the fieldIn the very name, blaspheming, which that message then revealed.Frost and snow, keen Christmas weather, and the biting winter wind,Bid us lovingly together huddle closely, all mankind;Blood is on the Danube freezing; wounds are agonized with cold,Only for the sake of pleasing one proud felon uncontrolled.All good souls are now beseeching blessings on their fellow man,But one savage, overreaching, brutal despot, thousands ban.On the field of battle lying, torn and mangled for his whim,Hear we not the tortured dying call down curses upon him?Nations now like kindly neighbours should, as round the Yule log, close.Must we take to guns and sabres? Will the tyrant make us foes?Hear the wounded writhing under Cossack hoofs and lances then,Gracious Heaven! and may the thunder of our cannon roar Amen!
Word of Peace!—on Earth first spoken nigh two thousand years ago,Art thou at this moment broken?—and who dares belie thee so?'Tis a tyrant, cruel, scheming, whose ambition takes the fieldIn the very name, blaspheming, which that message then revealed.
Word of Peace!—on Earth first spoken nigh two thousand years ago,
Art thou at this moment broken?—and who dares belie thee so?
'Tis a tyrant, cruel, scheming, whose ambition takes the field
In the very name, blaspheming, which that message then revealed.
Frost and snow, keen Christmas weather, and the biting winter wind,Bid us lovingly together huddle closely, all mankind;Blood is on the Danube freezing; wounds are agonized with cold,Only for the sake of pleasing one proud felon uncontrolled.
Frost and snow, keen Christmas weather, and the biting winter wind,
Bid us lovingly together huddle closely, all mankind;
Blood is on the Danube freezing; wounds are agonized with cold,
Only for the sake of pleasing one proud felon uncontrolled.
All good souls are now beseeching blessings on their fellow man,But one savage, overreaching, brutal despot, thousands ban.On the field of battle lying, torn and mangled for his whim,Hear we not the tortured dying call down curses upon him?
All good souls are now beseeching blessings on their fellow man,
But one savage, overreaching, brutal despot, thousands ban.
On the field of battle lying, torn and mangled for his whim,
Hear we not the tortured dying call down curses upon him?
Nations now like kindly neighbours should, as round the Yule log, close.Must we take to guns and sabres? Will the tyrant make us foes?Hear the wounded writhing under Cossack hoofs and lances then,Gracious Heaven! and may the thunder of our cannon roar Amen!
Nations now like kindly neighbours should, as round the Yule log, close.
Must we take to guns and sabres? Will the tyrant make us foes?
Hear the wounded writhing under Cossack hoofs and lances then,
Gracious Heaven! and may the thunder of our cannon roar Amen!
Originality (saysGoethe) provokes originality; and we must say, that at Billingsgate, and in the House of Commons, the provocation sometimes is exceedingly strong. The smallest provocation we know of the kind is in the British drama; in fact so small is it, that we doubt if it amounts to any provocation at all. We only wish some one would provoke somebody else to write an original play, by writing one first himself.
The Golden Age of Life.—Youth is the season for active exertion; and all those who emigrate to the Diggings ought to be Minors.
RURAL SIMPLICITYRURAL SIMPLICITY.Legal Gentleman."Hm! not a bad glass of Port for a country inn."Boots."Noa, zur, I thinks they meakes thur own Wine here. Iknawthey Bree-ews."
Legal Gentleman."Hm! not a bad glass of Port for a country inn."
Boots."Noa, zur, I thinks they meakes thur own Wine here. Iknawthey Bree-ews."
IN A VERY BAD WAYIN A VERY BAD WAY."Why, you seem quite wretched, Frank!""Wetched, my Boy! Ah, you may imagine how wetched I am, when I tell you I don't even care how my Twowsers are Made!"
"Why, you seem quite wretched, Frank!"
"Wetched, my Boy! Ah, you may imagine how wetched I am, when I tell you I don't even care how my Twowsers are Made!"
Dirty carriage—wretched horse,Driver insolent and coarse;Prompt with ruffianly airTo extort a double fare.If your rights you would maintain,And to Magistrate complain,Bullied by a Counsel broughtTo abuse you in the Court,For the dirty business paidBy the union of the trade,Who can penalties affordFrom results of frequent fraud—Gentle Public, if you'd shunFifty nuisances in one,Write it down on memory's slab,"Never take a London Cab!"Gentle Public, come with me,And another picture see.Handsome carriage—decent horse—Driver neither rude nor coarse;For the same as Cabman's fare,Prompt to take you anywhere.If appearance you'd maintain,There's no reason to complain;To your door the Clarence brought,Fit to drive you, e'en to Court.Gentle Public, tell me whyDon't you patronise a Fly?
Dirty carriage—wretched horse,Driver insolent and coarse;Prompt with ruffianly airTo extort a double fare.If your rights you would maintain,And to Magistrate complain,Bullied by a Counsel broughtTo abuse you in the Court,For the dirty business paidBy the union of the trade,Who can penalties affordFrom results of frequent fraud—Gentle Public, if you'd shunFifty nuisances in one,Write it down on memory's slab,"Never take a London Cab!"
Dirty carriage—wretched horse,
Driver insolent and coarse;
Prompt with ruffianly air
To extort a double fare.
If your rights you would maintain,
And to Magistrate complain,
Bullied by a Counsel brought
To abuse you in the Court,
For the dirty business paid
By the union of the trade,
Who can penalties afford
From results of frequent fraud—
Gentle Public, if you'd shun
Fifty nuisances in one,
Write it down on memory's slab,
"Never take a London Cab!"
Gentle Public, come with me,And another picture see.Handsome carriage—decent horse—Driver neither rude nor coarse;For the same as Cabman's fare,Prompt to take you anywhere.If appearance you'd maintain,There's no reason to complain;To your door the Clarence brought,Fit to drive you, e'en to Court.Gentle Public, tell me whyDon't you patronise a Fly?
Gentle Public, come with me,
And another picture see.
Handsome carriage—decent horse—
Driver neither rude nor coarse;
For the same as Cabman's fare,
Prompt to take you anywhere.
If appearance you'd maintain,
There's no reason to complain;
To your door the Clarence brought,
Fit to drive you, e'en to Court.
Gentle Public, tell me why
Don't you patronise a Fly?
ADr. Churchhas invented some pieces of artillery which load at the breech; and two of them have been tried at Woolwich with perfect success. In these days, when ecclesiastical authority is so greatly at a discount, we are glad to recognise aChurchwhose cannons are a hit. We believe that these cannons cost much less than the average of cathedral dignitaries.
Presence of Matter.In the Court of Common Council.
Presence of Mind.InPunch's Almanack!
So much progress has been made in that humane treatment of insane persons, which allows them to follow their ordinary callings and pursuits, that nearly all the in-door work of many lunatic asylums is now performed by the patients.
Thus at Hanwell there are lunatic gardeners who keep their parterres and greenhouses in a most rational state of order and neatness, and we have not heard that the cracked violinist, to whose music his poor companions are allowed to dance, is in the habit of mixing up "Pop goes the Weasel" with the Dead March in Saul, or committing any similar instrumental vagary, as many might expect. Encouraged by the success of the gardening, washing, ironing, tailoring, and other experiments, the Directors of this noble establishment have recently attempted to extend this employment of the insane to the higher branches of household economy—including the great mystery of the kitchen.
But insane cookery, to judge of the specimens of the Hanwellcuisinewhich are now before us, does not seem likely to turn out so well as the simpler arts to which the presence of the wits does not appear absolutely indispensable. It is to be feared that the digestions of the inmates of the asylum might be seriously impaired by such dishes as the following:—
Take three-quarters of a pound of Dorking lime, two ounces of the best saltpetre, and a coffee-cup full of tin tacks. Beat well together with a whisk, bake for seven minutes and a quarter; add a few horse-chestnuts, a handful of cow's hair, and a gill of lemon juice. If the cook be a dissenter, or have secretly married the butler, the lemon juice may be omitted.
Take four hundred kangaroo's eggs, and when the water is hot simmer gently, stirring in dandelion leaves one by one: strain all through a thin deal board, and set it by in a pint basin to cool. This will keep for any length of time (ifDr. Conollyis not allowed to look at it), and will serve as a vegetable for sick people or young children. If not sweet enough, add some indigo and a pound of steel-filings.
Take some old Russia duck and shred it in a stew-pan with as much water as you can pour in without putting the fire out. When the feathers are loose pluck them out carefully, and mince with forced meat for garnish. Put in half a tablespoonful of salt, a bunch of chopped straw, and a little grated pumice-stone, then add the rice. Sweeten to your taste, dress with your garnish, and serve in a napkin. A few tea-leaves sprinkled over, will make it look more inviting. If anybody comes into the kitchen while the stew-pan is on the fire, put it under the table.
Have some castor-oil boiling, slice three large heads of mangel-wurzel, and put them in your castor-oil till quite crisp. Try them with your finger. If done enough they will burn you. Add three oysters, a nutmeg, a teacupful of brown sugar, and a capsicum. If more flavour is wanted, you may add a tablespoonful of Bath brick. Serve up hot on a gridiron. If for a second course, tripe may be substituted for the mangel-wurzel, but oil of vitriol is preferable.
Steal a marrow-bone from which the marrow has been taken out, and burn it till charred. Then scrape it into a butter-boat, with two spring onions minced, an oyster-shell, and a quarter of a pound of dry glue. Put up in shapes, and let it stand till it is mouldy. Have some treacle cold, and when it boils, dip your croquettes in it one after another, and serve up in the middle of next week. If made with marine glue they require more care, but will eat all the crisper. The yolks of two shop-eggs may be added, but this is a matter of taste, and unless the eggs are very stale they will give your croquettes too nutty a flavour. Some roll the croquettes in the ashes, but this is not to be recommended, unless where there are foreigners at table and a man servant is kept.
Scotsman with umbrella
Mr. Serjeant Adamsoccasionally makes sensible remarks. In the course of the other day, for instance, alluding to some misrepresentation of his opinions on the system of flogging, which had got abroad, he is reported to have said that
"He had for years watched the progress of that system, and had had ample opportunities of doing so, on account of so many children tried before him; and he had so frequently found that the commencement of a child's criminal history was with three days' imprisonment and a whipping, and after that beginning the child so constantly came back to this court, that his mind quite revolted from passing a sentence involving whipping at all."
"He had for years watched the progress of that system, and had had ample opportunities of doing so, on account of so many children tried before him; and he had so frequently found that the commencement of a child's criminal history was with three days' imprisonment and a whipping, and after that beginning the child so constantly came back to this court, that his mind quite revolted from passing a sentence involving whipping at all."
"Give a young thief a whipping, and have done with him," is a very common prescription of Common Sense for the cure of juvenile delinquency. Common Sense, however, sometimes jumps to conclusions which are not verified. Common Sense uttered predictions concerning gas and steam, which have not come to pass. And the views of Common Sense concerning discipline for youthful offenders are perhaps rather too summary. "Give the young thief a whipping"—very good. The thing is done with small expenditure of time and material. It does not take many minutes: it is attended only with a slight wear of whipcord: cost you a farthing, asMr. Pepyswould have said: and a certain laceration of human integument, cost you absolutely nothing. You lose nothing whatever in raw material. Therefore inflict the whipping on the young thief. And have done with him? Ah! "If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly." But it appears that you won't have done with him. On the contrary, after that beginning, the child constantly comes back to this court, asAssistant-Judge Adamssays. After all, is it not manifest even to Common Sense—if Common Sense will exert itself—that to attempt the reformation of a child—and for what else would you punish a child?—by whipping him, is really beginning at the wrong end? The application of the scourge belongs to the operative part—the surgery—of the treatment of criminals; and operations should be resorted to only when all other remedies have failed. Primarily, the whip lacerates the skin; but the laceration is succeeded by hardening of the part that was lacerated; but not only by that: by the induration, also, of any amount of heart that the patient may previously have been endowed with. After such a beginning, no wonder that he comes back to this court or that. No: the lash is a valuable application, so is lunar caustic, so is lapis infernalis, or the actual cautery itself. But reserve it for desperate cases. Resort to it only in those of subjects that have lost all sensibility to every other appeal. Keep stripes for the ruffian who savagely maltreats his wife; for the hopeless brute, for the irreclaimable blackguard. And administer them to him in such a dose that he will not readily come back to any court to have it repeated. But a little whipping is a dangerous thing. It degrades and brutalises without subduing. You must lash a human being like a hound if you want to conquer him as you would conquer a hound—and it surely would be rather too severe to carry flagellation to that extent with juvenile offenders. It is not fair, moreover, to use the rod till you have first tried the schoolmaster.
One of "Our own Correspondents," speaking of the recent disaster at Sinope, rather startles us with the announcement that
"Turkey for the present is unquestionably worsted."
"Turkey for the present is unquestionably worsted."
If this be literally the fact, we only hope our country friends will postpone their usual hampers until Turkey is itself again.
A jovial young printer of our acquaintance having declared the other evening that he had left off work, was found under the misletoe a little later most busily employed in printing kisses.
Our old friend,Sir Peter Laurie, in his recent modest letter to theTimesupon the legal (as well indeed as social, moral, and in universal) worth and excellence of our Aldermen, marks with a special note of admiration the gratifying fact, that the number of acquittals from our City Police Courts falls considerably below the usual percentage. RecollectingSir Peter'sold propensity for "putting down," we are in some degree prepared to find that such a fact as this should be a matter of rejoicing with him.Sir Peterclearly holds that the proof of the trial is in the finding guilty, and he has, doubtless, but a low opinion of those judicial courts where mercy is allowed to "season justice." "The rigour of the law" is clearly no unmeaning phrase inSir Peter Laurie'seyes: indeed, we almost doubt ifJudex damnatur cum innocens absolviturbe not in reality his first legal maxim.
WhateverSir Peter'spresent faults may be, there is no denying that he has rid himself of an old one. We cannot certainly accuse him of tenacity of opinion, when he shows himself so evidently prone to conviction.
CCLERICAL gentlemen are going about the country, giving entertainments, and making exhibitions of themselves, in connection with table-turning, spirit-rapping, and other freaks of furniture. The usual places of amusement, such as the concert-rooms and lecture-theatres are being occupied by clergymen, who admit the public at fixed prices to hear, but unfortunately not to see, the wonders on which they expatiate. By way ofExtra Attraction for the Holidayswe recommend any one of the Reverend Mountebanks to go the whole hog, or rather the whole ma-hog-any, by taking some establishment suited to scenes in the circle, and giving an entertainment, with a programme something resembling the following:—
CLERICAL gentlemen are going about the country, giving entertainments, and making exhibitions of themselves, in connection with table-turning, spirit-rapping, and other freaks of furniture. The usual places of amusement, such as the concert-rooms and lecture-theatres are being occupied by clergymen, who admit the public at fixed prices to hear, but unfortunately not to see, the wonders on which they expatiate. By way ofExtra Attraction for the Holidayswe recommend any one of the Reverend Mountebanks to go the whole hog, or rather the whole ma-hog-any, by taking some establishment suited to scenes in the circle, and giving an entertainment, with a programme something resembling the following:—
General combination of Table-turning talent. By a happy concurrence of fortuitous events, theReverend Sampson Spooney, theReverend Mealy Mouthpiece, and theReverend Jabez Jawboneare now in London together and will have the honour of appearing in conjunction with the
For a few evenings, during Christmas,Sampson Spooneyin his rapid act of horsemanship on the
WILD TABLE OF THE NEW CUT.
WILD TABLE OF THE NEW CUT.
This astounding table will dash through an open window, spin round for a quarter of an hour, and conclude its wonderful performance by leaping out of the circle, with theReverend Sampson Spooneyhanging on to its castors.
To be followed by the
REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE AS THE COURIER OF EXETER HALL,
REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE AS THE COURIER OF EXETER HALL,
On six dining-tables in full gallop, all of which will take an astounding leap over each other's backs; and conclude by throwing a succession of somersets over a sideboard.
In the course of the evening, the
REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE, IN THE HAUTE ÉCOLE,
REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE, IN THE HAUTE ÉCOLE,
will introduce his
which will dance theValse à Deux Temps, go round the circle on three legs and terminate its graceful evolutions by a marvellous display of sommersaults.
The entertainments will finish with a pleasing act byMasters JawboneandSpooney, the celebrated juvenile prodigies, on a pair of card-tables. The intervals of the performances will be filled up by the solemn mummeries of the celebrated clerical buffoon, theReverend Timothy Twist, assisted by a Deathless Clown from Drury Lane, and other available talent.
"Une Bonne Bouche."—When a young lady says her heart is in her mouth. (Hem! Hem!)
"Une Bonne Bouche."—When a young lady says her heart is in her mouth. (Hem! Hem!)
Compassionating the exceeding difficulty to which advertisers seem to be reduced, at this period of the year (when, as there are, of course, no Christmas bills coming in, one's wives and children ought to be reminded to make onslaughts upon the marital and paternal purse),Mr. Punchhas kindly prepared, and hereby places at the disposal of the mercantile interest, a variety of advertisement headings calculated to attract the eye. Any person using any of them will enclose samples of his wares (carriage free, or porterage paid), to No. 85, Fleet Street.
ATHING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOR EVER, an exquisite remark which would have derived additional force from the fact, if it had ever happened, that thePoet Keats, on the day he penned it had tasted the delicious Dairyfed Pork, sold by &c.
ATHING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOR EVER, an exquisite remark which would have derived additional force from the fact, if it had ever happened, that thePoet Keats, on the day he penned it had tasted the delicious Dairyfed Pork, sold by &c.
WILL MR. DISRAELI TAKE OFFICE? is a question asked by many, and answered by many others, according to their political views. But there would be no question at all, whether, if the article were placed before him,Mr. Disraeli, whose taste is unrivalled, would take our Potted Bloaters, price One Shilling, and to be had only, &c.
WILL MR. DISRAELI TAKE OFFICE? is a question asked by many, and answered by many others, according to their political views. But there would be no question at all, whether, if the article were placed before him,Mr. Disraeli, whose taste is unrivalled, would take our Potted Bloaters, price One Shilling, and to be had only, &c.
THE RUSSIAN FLEET HAS SUNK in the estimation of Europe sinceAdmiral Botchamoffrefused to victual it with our pressed Beef. Surely this will raise the Beef in the regard of all true Britons, who have only to apply at No. &c.
THE RUSSIAN FLEET HAS SUNK in the estimation of Europe sinceAdmiral Botchamoffrefused to victual it with our pressed Beef. Surely this will raise the Beef in the regard of all true Britons, who have only to apply at No. &c.
LORD JOHN RUSSELL HAS HAD A FIT.—To be sure he has, and you may have a fit too, if you will have the good sense to clothe yourself, as his Lordship does, at the establishment ofSmouchBrothers, Tailors, &c. &c.
LORD JOHN RUSSELL HAS HAD A FIT.—To be sure he has, and you may have a fit too, if you will have the good sense to clothe yourself, as his Lordship does, at the establishment ofSmouchBrothers, Tailors, &c. &c.
HUSBANDS! BEAT YOUR WIVES, that is, if you can, in the struggle to make home happy. You will have the best chance of succeeding, by presenting them with scrubbing brushes, tooth brushes, nail brushes, hair brushes, bottle brushes, blacking brushes, bonnet brushes, paint brushes, and other domestic comforts, from Bristles and Co., at &c.
HUSBANDS! BEAT YOUR WIVES, that is, if you can, in the struggle to make home happy. You will have the best chance of succeeding, by presenting them with scrubbing brushes, tooth brushes, nail brushes, hair brushes, bottle brushes, blacking brushes, bonnet brushes, paint brushes, and other domestic comforts, from Bristles and Co., at &c.
THE CHURCH IS IN DANGER!—No, not while her Ministers do their duty. But those who go to church, this weather, are in great danger of catching severe colds unless they wear Furs, and these can be best obtained at &c.
THE CHURCH IS IN DANGER!—No, not while her Ministers do their duty. But those who go to church, this weather, are in great danger of catching severe colds unless they wear Furs, and these can be best obtained at &c.
MURDER!—This very objectionable practice will never be persevered in by any person who will peruse the new and startling Novel of the "Tinderbox and the Tombstone," now publishing inTrash'sWeekly Miscellany, price One Penny.
MURDER!—This very objectionable practice will never be persevered in by any person who will peruse the new and startling Novel of the "Tinderbox and the Tombstone," now publishing inTrash'sWeekly Miscellany, price One Penny.
YOU DID IT! I SAW YOU.—And seeing you made me do it, and I will never again omit to do it every Saturday night of my life, Ma'am. "Do it—do what?" Can you ask? Buy Tallow Candles atDipps's, Tottenham Court Road, &c.
YOU DID IT! I SAW YOU.—And seeing you made me do it, and I will never again omit to do it every Saturday night of my life, Ma'am. "Do it—do what?" Can you ask? Buy Tallow Candles atDipps's, Tottenham Court Road, &c.
THE LOVELY YOUNG LAVINIA ONCE HAD FRIENDS, and would have preserved them to this day, if, when she had them to dinner she had abstained from giving them deleterious compounds, which made them drop her acquaintance, and had caused them to drink the Sparkling Pale Ale, sold by &c.
THE LOVELY YOUNG LAVINIA ONCE HAD FRIENDS, and would have preserved them to this day, if, when she had them to dinner she had abstained from giving them deleterious compounds, which made them drop her acquaintance, and had caused them to drink the Sparkling Pale Ale, sold by &c.
THE TIMES NEWSPAPER HAS STOPPED—Yes, and we hope it will continue to stop the mouth of many an impudent pretender, especially any one, should he arise, who should pretend thatBuggins'sPatent Warming Pans are not one-third cheaper, two-thirds handier, three-thirds neater, and four-thirds lighter than any other. To be had at &c.
THE TIMES NEWSPAPER HAS STOPPED—Yes, and we hope it will continue to stop the mouth of many an impudent pretender, especially any one, should he arise, who should pretend thatBuggins'sPatent Warming Pans are not one-third cheaper, two-thirds handier, three-thirds neater, and four-thirds lighter than any other. To be had at &c.
YOUR WIFE HAS BOLTED.—She has indeed bolted the front door, thinking that you are not coming home to-night. But you will return, and the poor thing will be roused from her first sleep, and have to come down in the cold to let you in, for as for waking thatEmma, you might as well try to arouseLord Aberdeento a sense of the honour of England. Why, then, not save your wife's health by furnishing your door with one ofTumbler and Co.'sLatch Locks? To be seen in action at &c.
YOUR WIFE HAS BOLTED.—She has indeed bolted the front door, thinking that you are not coming home to-night. But you will return, and the poor thing will be roused from her first sleep, and have to come down in the cold to let you in, for as for waking thatEmma, you might as well try to arouseLord Aberdeento a sense of the honour of England. Why, then, not save your wife's health by furnishing your door with one ofTumbler and Co.'sLatch Locks? To be seen in action at &c.
GREAT FIRE IN THE PALACE.—"And a very good one, too," as Her Majesty was graciously pleased to remark, desiringH. R. H.thePrince of Walesto let the poker alone, as with Coals at two pounds a ton, he must not be extravagant. Matrons of England, learn a lesson of economy from the first Lady of the Land, and show that you have done so by ordering your Coals atSlates and Company, Whiteash Wharf.
GREAT FIRE IN THE PALACE.—"And a very good one, too," as Her Majesty was graciously pleased to remark, desiringH. R. H.thePrince of Walesto let the poker alone, as with Coals at two pounds a ton, he must not be extravagant. Matrons of England, learn a lesson of economy from the first Lady of the Land, and show that you have done so by ordering your Coals atSlates and Company, Whiteash Wharf.
THE THAMES IS FROZEN OVER.—When this announcement is made, the next thing will be that an Ox will be roasted whole on the ice. Without approving a proceeding which is rather silly and usually a failure,Wobbles and Co.must say, that their Patent Roasting Jacks (price Eleven and Eightpence) will perform the feat, if any invention can, and, in the meantime, will roast anything else, from a Plover to a Pig.
THE THAMES IS FROZEN OVER.—When this announcement is made, the next thing will be that an Ox will be roasted whole on the ice. Without approving a proceeding which is rather silly and usually a failure,Wobbles and Co.must say, that their Patent Roasting Jacks (price Eleven and Eightpence) will perform the feat, if any invention can, and, in the meantime, will roast anything else, from a Plover to a Pig.
NEVER GO TO A THEATRE, at least not without one ofWindum'sAir Cushions, which afford so luxurious a seat that you will be able to enjoy most performances, and almost to endure the deathless Clown without much annoyance.
NEVER GO TO A THEATRE, at least not without one ofWindum'sAir Cushions, which afford so luxurious a seat that you will be able to enjoy most performances, and almost to endure the deathless Clown without much annoyance.
MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH is quite well.—This circumstance will gratify that gentleman's myriad admirers, and their satisfaction will be complete when they are informed that, not onlyMr. Ainsworth'smasterly works, but those of all other writers of celebrity, are bound byVellum and Tooley, corner of Bobchurch Lane, upon the most reasonable terms, and with the greatest expedition.
MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH is quite well.—This circumstance will gratify that gentleman's myriad admirers, and their satisfaction will be complete when they are informed that, not onlyMr. Ainsworth'smasterly works, but those of all other writers of celebrity, are bound byVellum and Tooley, corner of Bobchurch Lane, upon the most reasonable terms, and with the greatest expedition.
ACLERGYMAN HUNG, with protracted admiration, over a M.S. of the eleventh century, found in the Bodleian Library at Oxford, and at last remarked, "I never saw such beautiful illumination, except," added the Reverend Gentleman, with that adherence to truth so honourably characteristic of the cloth, "except by means of the Sinefuliginous Percolating Adumbrellant Lamps, which, by the way, I perceive may now be procured, Wholesale and Retail, of all dealers, and also at the Manufactory at Walworth."
ACLERGYMAN HUNG, with protracted admiration, over a M.S. of the eleventh century, found in the Bodleian Library at Oxford, and at last remarked, "I never saw such beautiful illumination, except," added the Reverend Gentleman, with that adherence to truth so honourably characteristic of the cloth, "except by means of the Sinefuliginous Percolating Adumbrellant Lamps, which, by the way, I perceive may now be procured, Wholesale and Retail, of all dealers, and also at the Manufactory at Walworth."
ANEW PLAY BY SHAKSPERE, if now produced, would probably be called "slow" by one writer, "ill-constructed," by a second and as "not in accordance with the time," by a third. More reverent judges would say that it contained the true Gold, that there were real Gems in it, and the Springs of action were seen in perfect working. Any one who should apply the above unfavourable opinion toBunk'sWatches (warranted) would libel those masterpieces, but the terms of approbation, which we have said would be used towardsShakspere, exactly characterise the Watches sold byBunkat &c.
ANEW PLAY BY SHAKSPERE, if now produced, would probably be called "slow" by one writer, "ill-constructed," by a second and as "not in accordance with the time," by a third. More reverent judges would say that it contained the true Gold, that there were real Gems in it, and the Springs of action were seen in perfect working. Any one who should apply the above unfavourable opinion toBunk'sWatches (warranted) would libel those masterpieces, but the terms of approbation, which we have said would be used towardsShakspere, exactly characterise the Watches sold byBunkat &c.
PALMERSTON HAS TAKEN POISON out of the London Atmosphere, so far as his admirable Smoke Prevention Act enables his Lordship to do. Eager to second his Lordship in promoting the purity of the metropolis,Messrs. Borax and Co.respectfully recommend their White Curdy Soft Windsor Antigrimeopolis Soap, in packets of One and Sixpence, to be procured, &c.
PALMERSTON HAS TAKEN POISON out of the London Atmosphere, so far as his admirable Smoke Prevention Act enables his Lordship to do. Eager to second his Lordship in promoting the purity of the metropolis,Messrs. Borax and Co.respectfully recommend their White Curdy Soft Windsor Antigrimeopolis Soap, in packets of One and Sixpence, to be procured, &c.
A TRUMPET WITH A COLD
The Sommerophone is a wonderful instrument, andMr. Sommerought to have the benefit of every publicity for his statement, that a certain defect remarked in its utterance the other night, during the frost, occurred, not, as was surmised, from any deficiency of understanding between himself and it, "but entirely through the severity of the weather, which,"Mr. Sommeradds, "as all musicians well know, has a most detrimental effect on all brass instruments (particularly such as mine)." It thus appears that the alleged misunderstanding betweenMr. Sommerand his instrument was a mere coolness on the part of the latter only. The notes seem to have been partially frozen in; and if, during the subsequent thaw, any of them came out again, as in a memorable instance, perhapsMr. Sommerwill state the circumstance. Possibly, as the Sommerophone had got a cold, it would have completed its solo later in the evening in question, if its proprietor had given it a basin of gruel and put it into hot water before going to bed. We have no doubt of the truth of that gentleman's assertion as regards most brass instruments; but he is mistaken in extending it to all. It has not been observed in the House of Commons that cold weather particularly affects the tone of thePope'sBrass Band.
We knew that vocalists were liable to colds, and other contingencies of climate; but this is the first time we ever heard of a musical instrument being subject to fits of indisposition. If apologies are henceforth to be accepted for trumpets, ophecleides, and other brazen instruments, as well as for tenors and sopranos, we shall be constantly troubled with excuses on behalf of some capricious trombone seized suddenly with an affection of the windpipe, and, in the trombone, the pipe through which the wind is conveyed is of a somewhat delicate texture. The Professor threatens that his next performance shall be accompanied by a full orchestra; but if it should happen that all the brazen instruments are suffering from bronchial or any other affection of their tubes, the result will be far from agreeable.
Of drowsiness, dejection, dolour, dulness, depression, ennui, ill-humour, indigestion (mental) from political or other reading, loss of temper, low spirits, melancholy, moroseness, mental anxiety (as, for instance, on a railway journey), sulks, stupefaction (by a debate in Common Council), sleepiness, spleen, general used-upishness, and many other complaints, have already been effected by the use ofPunch's Almanack, which is Sold by Everybody, and bought by the rest. The infant may take it as well as the adult, as it is warranted free from all impurity, and contains nothing hurtful to the weakest mental stomach.