THE TURTLE BENEVOLENT ASSOCIATION

Och hone-a-rie! och hone-a-rie!The Scottish Lion lies fu' sair:Gude faith, he's tauld sae mony a lee.We never can believe him mair!

Och hone-a-rie! och hone-a-rie!

The Scottish Lion lies fu' sair:

Gude faith, he's tauld sae mony a lee.

We never can believe him mair!

The best material for the proposed "Ragged Churches" seems to be Papier-mâché, a material which is now applied to building purposes, and which proves how the useful and beautiful may even arise out of rags.

Man reading Aldermanic scroll

We are glad to inform our readers that a Society, with the above benevolent motive, is in the course of formation. We need not say that, in the state of extreme destitution to which the poor Aldermen are likely, in another year, to be reduced, such a society, like every other society that has hitherto been started, will supply a great vacuum. The use of Turtle to an Alderman has become a sort of second nature; and when, by circumstances over which—unlike the City Funds—he has had no control, he is deprived of that great humanising and aldermanising necessity, we need not say that a very great vacuum will be created in his stomach. It is to fill that vacuum—which, if filled by the Alderman's own resources, would cause a vacuum in his pocket as great as the one that already exists in his mind—that a few charitable individuals have joined together in sympathy and guineas to relieve the wants of a large luxurious class of their fellow-countrymen.

Until the prospectus, in due satin paper and gilt-edge form, is issued, we beg to dot down a few of the principal features of this benevolent association:—

Prince Albertis to be President of this new charity, if he will only accept it, in return for the statue which the Aldermen have been trying to get up in his honour, in the hope that they may be represented on the pedestal in some humble capacity—either as hanging on to his Royal Highness's coat-tails, or else kissing his princely boots.

Committees will be appointed to visit the different Wards, and some of the highest ladies in the land have been most eager in applying for this charitable office.

Aldermen who have passed the chair will be allowed their three basins of Turtle a week. Those, who have not yet come to that awful pass, will only receive their one basin, of the usual size of those which a person pays five shillings for atBirch's.

On the 9th of November—the anniversary of the grandLord Mayor'sDay—the whole body of Aldermen are to be allowed, in addition to their Turtle, a small glass of iced Punch.

A select number, also, will be taken in rotation, and given a ride in glass-coaches, that will be directed to follow the precise route that theLord Mayor'sprocession was in the habit of taking every memorable 9th of November. Pocket handkerchiefs will be provided gratuitously, to stem the grief of such Aldermen for whom the sight may be too much.

Negotiations are in treaty for the Mansion House, which will be unoccupied as soon as the City Corporation has died its unnatural death. It is expected to be vacant in a year. A better locality could not possibly be chosen, on account of the number of pleasant associations that are connected with that building, which was so proverbially hospitable with other people's money.

Those Aldermen who are prevented, by illness or modesty, from applying at the Mansion House, will be relieved at their own mansions.

All Aldermen will be expected to bring their own basins and spoons.

Any Alderman convicted of bringing up his basin to be filled a second time on the same day, will be denied any further relief for an entire twelvemonth.

The tickets, under any circumstances, are not to be sold; but it is hoped, in the event of the expected success of the Association, that measures will be taken to add venison to the Turtle.

Further particulars will be shortly published, with a list of the bankers and houses where subscriptions are to be paid, and where the smallest contributions, in the way of turtle or venison, will be thankfully received.

A smaller Charity will also be established—at least the attempt will be made—in connection with the parent one. Its object will be to relieve the Common Councilmen with Mock Turtle.

It is a source of great consolation, to think that these poor miserable creatures, when they are turned out of their comfortable quarters, will not be totally unprovided for in their old age. Ruin, it is true, is staring them in the face; but still their few declining years may be rendered comparatively happy, by their being still supplied with those comforts which the custom of a whole life has turned into nothing less than positive wants. To prove we bear no malice towards those who are fallen, we wish every success to these "Turtle Soup Kitchens for Destitute Aldermen;" and, as soon as the casseroles are got into boiling order, we are ready to pay our first subscription.

The City of London is not quitePlato'sModel Republic. It has not completely realized its idea of corporate perfection. Not permitting the subjects of its jurisdiction to measure or to carry their own commodities, it has established corn, coal, fruit, and oyster-meters, and fellowship-porters, whom it obliges them to employ on terms prescribed by itself. But it does not carry out the principle of preventing individuals from managing their own affairs, by prohibiting them from doing anything whatever for themselves, which it is possible that somebody else may do for them. It has not established Civic Barbers, empowered to shave all men who reside within its precincts, whether willing or unwilling to submit their chins to those officers, and it does not deny anybody the right of shaving himself.

that was a portrait of my Mother's Father"There—that was a portrait of my Mother's Father, painted by Le Sange, in 1802.""La! What Guys our Grandfathers made of themselves!"

"There—that was a portrait of my Mother's Father, painted by Le Sange, in 1802."

"La! What Guys our Grandfathers made of themselves!"

The prisons of the City seem, in general, to have been better conducted than any other of its institutions. May this fact be accounted for on the supposition that roguery has an instinctive tendency to provide for itself?

The best monument on which, at present, (and may it be "at present" for many years to come!) to inscribePrince Albert'sabilities and amiabilities, is to be found in the columns of the Newspapers.

WWE read among the speeches delivered at the late Polish Anniversary Meeting, one which was made by a foreign gentleman, introduced as a friend ofM. Mazzini, and which concluded thus:—

WE read among the speeches delivered at the late Polish Anniversary Meeting, one which was made by a foreign gentleman, introduced as a friend ofM. Mazzini, and which concluded thus:—

"Revolution was called disorder. It might be so, but the only way to finish with disorder was to make revolution.—(Cheers.) Therefore it was that he wished for revolution, though its permanent success involved the sad necessity of the guillotine." (Great cheering.)

These daring words were uttered, not in the slummish purlieus of the Square of Leicester, but at the splendid Rooms of that of Hanover. How proud and glad we ought to feel of our freedom of utterance, considering that at a place of fashionable resort, in an aristocratic neighbourhood, an individual is permitted to speak out thus: declaring himself boldly on the side of revolution and the guillotine!

Nevertheless, for the cause of European liberty, it is a pity that this gentleman had not either had his mouth stopped by the spontaneous action of the muscles which serve to close that orifice, or shut up by cries of "No, no!" substituted for the "great cheering" which greeted his avowal in regard to revolutionism and decapitation. The use and applause of such language must estrange all friends of freedom except those who are mad. The exiles that indulge in it ought not, perhaps, to be deprived of an asylum, but they ought to be restricted to one in which they can be looked after. It is bad enough when patriots are consigned to the halter by despots, but it is worse when, having rope given them, they use it to hang themselves. TheEmperors of RussiaandAustriaare much obliged to those who talk like this foreign gentleman. The revolution contemplated byM. Mazziniis another thing, we hope, than that which is advocated by his indiscreet friend, and to "make" which will, in truth, be a certain "way to finish with disorder."

A Clergyman, theRev. R. W. Dibdin, M.A., has published a Lecture recently delivered by him at the Music Hall, Store Street, upon Table Turning, which he ascribes to "Satanic Agency," animadverting on all who differ with him on the subject; among others, on ourselves. Referring to this periodical he is pleased to say,

"I will only remark that it is conspicuous (like theTimesnewspaper, which it echoes), for itsconsistent enmity to true piety;—its advocacy of Sabbath desecration in the Sydenham Exhibition, and the Sunday delivery of letters by the Post Office. And I very much wonder that religious people support it as they do."

If any newspaper discusses the questions of the day generally in a spirit of common sense, and this periodical treats them in the same spirit, there must be a general coincidence of opinion between this periodical and that newspaper, whichMr. Dibdinmay call an echo if he pleases. But he has no right to termPuncha consistent enemy to true piety, because we do not admit that a Christian is bound to keep Sunday as a Jew is obliged to observe Saturday. And his wonder that religious people supportPunchas they do may be abated by the consideration that religion is not, in all people, allied with superstition, or with cant and hypocrisy. ReligionPunchhas always held, and hopes to hold, inviolate; but the pretence of it, whether designed to restrict his liberty, or impose upon his understanding, he has ever denounced and ever will denounce. Withhold from the child the letter of the sick parent; deny the fagged artisan his breath of fresh air and half-holyday once a week, under a religious pretext, andPunchwill protest you a Pharisee, and tell you that you might as well forbid him to extricate an ox, or aMr. Dibdin, from a pit into which, he might happen to tumble on the Sabbath day. And if lies or delusions are propounded to his credence, tales, whether of table-talking or picture-working,Punchwill not be hindered from laughing at them by the circumstance that they are preached beneath the cover of religion.

Punchnever knowingly admits anything into his pages that could shock the feelings of religious people. For that reason he forbears to quote fromMr. Dibdin'spamphlet an assertion thatMr. Dibdinprofesses to quote from the devil; a piece of blasphemy too frightfully shocking to be repeated. The following, however, may be cited as specimens of the answers elicited by the Rev. gentleman and aMr. B.from a small, square, three-legged table on casters, by lying their hands on it:—

"1. If there be aGod, strike three with the leg next the fire-place.—That leg was raised, and struck thrice."2. If there be a devil, strike so many times with this leg.—It did so."3. If thePopebe the head of the Church, strike, &c.—It did so."4. IfMartin Lutherwas a good man, strike, &c.—No reply."5. IfEmanuel Swedenborgwas a good man, strike, &c.—It did so."6. IfSociniuswas a good man, strike, &c.—It did so."7. IfJesus Christbe come in the flesh, strike, &c.—It did so."8. If salvation be of faith and works, strike, &c.—It did so."9. If salvation be by faith alone, strike, &c.—It did so."10. IfDr. Achillibe a good man, strike, &c.—No reply."11. IfDr. Achillibe turned Swedenborgeon, strike, &c.—It did so."12. IfDr. Newmanbe a good man, strike, &c.—It did so (very quickly)."13. IfMr. Tonnabe a good man, stop moving.—It continued moving."14. Strike the day of the month—It struck twenty-eight."15. Strike the hour.—It struck seven and a gentle lift of the leg. [It was half-past seven]."16. If it be right to go to a Socinian Chapel, strike, &c.—It did so."17. If it be right to go to the theatre, strike, &c.—It did so."18. Say how many years it is sinceHer Majestycame to the throne."No one present knew the date of her accession. I may here say, that I asked several questions on this principle, upon facts with which none of us were acquainted."It struck sixteen."None of us could tell whether this was right or not, and, therefore, one of the party left the room to fetch an almanack, and when we had got the almanack we found that it was right."

"1. If there be aGod, strike three with the leg next the fire-place.—That leg was raised, and struck thrice.

"2. If there be a devil, strike so many times with this leg.—It did so.

"3. If thePopebe the head of the Church, strike, &c.—It did so.

"4. IfMartin Lutherwas a good man, strike, &c.—No reply.

"5. IfEmanuel Swedenborgwas a good man, strike, &c.—It did so.

"6. IfSociniuswas a good man, strike, &c.—It did so.

"7. IfJesus Christbe come in the flesh, strike, &c.—It did so.

"8. If salvation be of faith and works, strike, &c.—It did so.

"9. If salvation be by faith alone, strike, &c.—It did so.

"10. IfDr. Achillibe a good man, strike, &c.—No reply.

"11. IfDr. Achillibe turned Swedenborgeon, strike, &c.—It did so.

"12. IfDr. Newmanbe a good man, strike, &c.—It did so (very quickly).

"13. IfMr. Tonnabe a good man, stop moving.—It continued moving.

"14. Strike the day of the month—It struck twenty-eight.

"15. Strike the hour.—It struck seven and a gentle lift of the leg. [It was half-past seven].

"16. If it be right to go to a Socinian Chapel, strike, &c.—It did so.

"17. If it be right to go to the theatre, strike, &c.—It did so.

"18. Say how many years it is sinceHer Majestycame to the throne.

"No one present knew the date of her accession. I may here say, that I asked several questions on this principle, upon facts with which none of us were acquainted.

"It struck sixteen.

"None of us could tell whether this was right or not, and, therefore, one of the party left the room to fetch an almanack, and when we had got the almanack we found that it was right."

Other ages were given by the table, according to the Reverend experimenter; it also stopped when the Bible was placed upon it, like the similarly possessed moveables ofMessrs. GodfreyandGillson. At least so he would have us believe, or be accounted altogether unbelieving. For he declares of Table Turning, that

"Those who have not witnessed its wonders, and disbelieve (or attempt to explain away) the statements of those whohave, must be passed by as impracticable subjects, acting precisely on the principle of the infidelHume, who, because he never saw a miracle, would have us infer that no one else ever did."

This is precisely the style in which Roman Catholic priests argue in behalf of miraculous images, and ifMr. Dibdindid not profess a vast abhorrence of Popery, he might be imagined to be one of the clerical correspondents of theTablet. In another place he says,

"If any one doubts myveracity, or questions thepossibility of my senses being correct witnesses—in such a case I have nothing to reply to that person. Such an one puts himself out of the reach of argument; and by such incredulity makes it impossible to prove anything to him."

We are called upon to admit the infallibility ofMr. Dibdin'ssenses, as well as his good faith, although we have the opposing testimony ofFaraday, and although, whilst Table Turning is, asMr. Dibdinhimself says, practised daily by tens of thousands, there has been no one satisfactory exhibition of the wonder in public.Punchhas tried Table and Hat Turning. The hat and the table gave signs of beginning to turn; which ceased, not at his command to stop, but on his reminding the rest of the party that they were not to push.

Professor Faraday, by the way, fares very badly at the hands ofMr. Dibdin, who not only insinuates a doubt respecting the "spiritual attainments" of that philosopher, but also uniformly spells his name with two R's. He has also as above,SociniusforSocinus, and for Swedenborgian, Swedenborgeon. Perhaps he has derived his orthography from tables, which he mentions as having been found to spell badly; indeed, trustworthy as tables are esteemed in matters of arithmetic, they have never been accounted authorities in regard to spelling.

ButMr. Dibdinis not to be laughed at—although he may himself hold up other people to something less innocent than ridicule. He observes that

"It may seem very wise and great to laugh down a weak brother; but surely it is neither kind nor brotherly."

Nevertheless, it is not easy to repress a risible emotion when we picture to ourselves a party of weak brethren sitting round a table to see if they can get the devil into it.Mr. Dibdinsays it is necessary to keep the hands on the table. Does the evil spirit, then, flow out of the fingers' ends into the mahogany? and doesMr. Dibdinthink that he has acted as the devil's conductor? We shall next have Calvinistic clergymen making pump-handles work, and turning mangles to the same account as tables, by Satanic action.

However, it is certain that the dreadful nonsense in the book before us was rapped outeitherby the devil,orbyMr. Dibdin, or his friends. If we had any doubt on the subject, we should give them the benefit of the doubt; but we are afraid that none can be reasonably entertained.

Whatever may be said against the Corporation of London, it may be truly said of that great body, that it is a-Gogfor reform.

GENUINE SENTIMENTGENUINE SENTIMENT."A Penny for your Thoughts.""Dearest, I'mdisgustedwith my Bonnet!"

"A Penny for your Thoughts."

"Dearest, I'mdisgustedwith my Bonnet!"

Everybody says the law has gone to ruin, and if this is the case, we can only say that the law has gone where it has brought so many—or in other words, that the lawyers have followed their clients. The "profession" must certainly be at a low ebb when it is reduced to the degradation of issuing such advertisements as the following, which has been sent up to us by several Correspondents, who have cut it out from a Birmingham newspaper.

WANTED, immediately, in a Country Solicitor's Office, a WRITING CLERK. He must understand Abstracting, Engrossing, and Accounts. Salary about 13s. a week. Unexceptionable references must be given.—Apply to——, Solicitor, Birmingham.

We have been told that "necessity has no law;" but it would seem that the law is reduced to the last stage of necessity, or it would never offer such beggarly terms as those specified above to the very meanest of its myrmidons. "Thirteen shillings a week" is about one-third of the pay of a journeyman carpenter, and less than a third of what may be earned by many of those who are out "on strike" for higher wages. The poor wretch who is offered thirteen shillings a week must, it seems, understand "abstracting;" but we should fear that he might try his abilities in endeavouring to "abstract" something from the cash-box of his principal. It is evident that the lawyers, having been curtailed of their power to fleece the public, are determined to take it out of their unfortunate clerks, and if blood can be got out of a stone, an attorney is just the man to perform the operation.

A MUFF DROPPED, by a young Lady, on Wednesday last, in the Regent's Park, between the Botanical and Zoological Gardens. It is rather rich in appearance, but extremely heavy; has very long hair, and nothing whatever inside. Any one, falling in with the above, is perfectly welcome to the acquisition, as the Muff became such a dead weight, continually hanging about, and wanting to be carried everywhere, that the Young Lady, not being able to bear it any longer, was really compelled to drop it. The Muff may be known at any time by its having red hair, and answering to the name ofCharles.

If, by any remote accident, the Russians were to take Constantinople, it would be a curious realization (says youngBaker Street) of the "Russ in Urbe".

The following paragraph occurs in thePreston Guardian:—

"The Cost of Crime.—TheReverend Mr. Clay, the Chaplain of the Preston House of Correction, estimates the loss caused to the public by fifteen pickpockets, whose careers he has traced, including the value of the property stolen, expenses of prosecution, and maintenance in gaol, at £26,500."

How many schoolmasters might have been had for the money which fifteen pickpockets have cost the nation?—and how many more than fifteen boys might those schoolmasters have prevented from becoming pickpockets?—and how much larger a sum than £26,500 would have thereby been saved?

Why cannot this great saving of money—to say nothing of vice and misery—be effected?

Simply because Papists and Protestants, High Church, Low Church, and Dissenters, cannot agree as to which of them shall have the privilege of preoccupying the minds of street-children with ideas about which bishops and doctors differ!

(A Prose Definition byMoses'Poet.)

Love comes from Courtship, and Courtship is a suit that is not made in a day. It is the slow result of several measures, and these measures cannot be taken too carefully; but Love at first sight is a ready-made suit that is entered into at once, and for which, as the result frequently proves, neither party was in the least fitted.

Shock to Russian Credit.—There has been a hard run on the Banks of the Danube. It is said to have been owing to a panic in the Russian army.

The Race of Man.—It is your favourite that generally wins on the "course of true love."

Tuesday the 29th of November, 1853, was celebrated as a day of humiliation in Edinburgh; and the humiliation consisted in making the day as much like a Scotch Sunday as possible. Recollecting as we do: 1st, That there is more drunkenness in Scotland than anywhere else in the United Kingdom; 2ndly, That there is more drunkenness on Sunday in Scotland than on any other day; and, 3rdly, That the day of humiliation was a close resemblance to a Scotch Sunday;—we may draw the inference that the "humiliation" must have been complete. We have no doubt the number of those that were either moved by the spirit, or kept from the power of moving by the spirit, must have been enormous, on the occasion alluded to.

Original Sketch by Mr. Punch's Little BoyOriginal Sketch by Mr. Punch's Little Boy.

Corporation.Noun. Derived fromcorps, Fr., "deceased body,"oratio, Lat., "speaking," andration, Eng., "victuals," and means a moribund body, good for nothing but feeding and spouting.

Excessive Mildness of the Season.—A Hansom Cabman took Sixpence for his fare, the other day, without saying a single word.

Do you believe in this Table Talking"Do you believe in this Table Talking, Matilda, that there's such a fuss about?""Oh dear No! Why, the other evening a Table was asked how old I was, and it rapped out Forty! Ridiculous; when I'm not Three-and-Twenty till next March!"

"Do you believe in this Table Talking, Matilda, that there's such a fuss about?"

"Oh dear No! Why, the other evening a Table was asked how old I was, and it rapped out Forty! Ridiculous; when I'm not Three-and-Twenty till next March!"

(A Melody afterMoore.)

"A statue toAlbert," saidChallisenchanted,"I'll start in the City; the thought is divine."The thought was conceived, and he now only wantedThe ear of the public to it to incline.He wrote a few letters to people to bore them,And ask them to second his fawning intent;But so coldly the public appeared to ignore them,That he saw they too plainly perceived what he meant."Oh how," criedSam Wilberforce, "think of enshriningThePrinceby himself?—the proposal is dim;But with it the Great Exhibition entwining,We'll get in adroitly a statue of him."The bargain was struck, and the project to dish upThey flew to a meeting, the plan to propound;"Adieu," whisperedChallis, "you're not the first bishopWho's kept his position by shifting his ground."

"A statue toAlbert," saidChallisenchanted,

"I'll start in the City; the thought is divine."

The thought was conceived, and he now only wanted

The ear of the public to it to incline.

He wrote a few letters to people to bore them,

And ask them to second his fawning intent;

But so coldly the public appeared to ignore them,

That he saw they too plainly perceived what he meant.

"Oh how," criedSam Wilberforce, "think of enshriningThePrinceby himself?—the proposal is dim;But with it the Great Exhibition entwining,We'll get in adroitly a statue of him."The bargain was struck, and the project to dish upThey flew to a meeting, the plan to propound;"Adieu," whisperedChallis, "you're not the first bishopWho's kept his position by shifting his ground."

"Oh how," criedSam Wilberforce, "think of enshrining

ThePrinceby himself?—the proposal is dim;

But with it the Great Exhibition entwining,

We'll get in adroitly a statue of him."

The bargain was struck, and the project to dish up

They flew to a meeting, the plan to propound;

"Adieu," whisperedChallis, "you're not the first bishop

Who's kept his position by shifting his ground."

Mr. Punch, who has suffered so much from the inordinate long-windedness of our public orators in general, and of our senators in particular, that he can thoroughly appreciate the misery which it must have inflicted upon the nation, has, of his own free motion and consent, meditated and devised a scheme, by which the nation will be released from the pain of hearing, and our public men from the labour of uttering speeches; whilst the former will still have the conviction that its representatives are taking pains to express its sentiments, and the latter will still have their vanity gratified by the belief that they are making a sensation.Mr. Punchhas read in the works ofMessrs. HucandGabet(two missionaries, in whom the humour ofRabelaisis combined with the kindly fervour ofLas Casas) that the Lamas in Thibet—who have more prayers to recite than they can get through in a day, without suspending their ordinary avocations—are in the habit of employing what they call Tchu Kor, or turning prayers. These are large but light cylinders of wood, placed on an axle, and inscribed with a great number of prayers in Thibetian characters. The devout Lama gives the Tchu Kor a push, which sets it in motion for a considerable period, during which he goes about his secular business, and leaves the performance of his religious exercises to this pious whirligig.

IfMr. Punchwere acquainted with the Lamas, he would suggest to them that by the help of a little simple machinery and the aid of a turnspit dog, they might prolong their prayers for a period quite beyond the strength of their own ingenious but imperfect instrument. But as it is, he contents himself with recommending that Tchu Kor, or talking cylinders, shall be introduced into the House of Commons without delay. So many of the speeches made in that assembly have no sort of interest for it or for the public, and are dictated only by the desire of the Members to acquit themselves of a duty to their constituents, that they might as well not be uttered at all. And as no speech is supposed to influence a division, or gain over a vote, whilst many give rise to much bad blood, and to endless misunderstandings, prevarications, rejoinders, and recriminations, it would be as well that so fertile a source of mischief should at once be dried up; and that if Members must talk, they should do so only through the medium of the Tchu Kor.

Each Member might have his peculiar cylinder, surmounted by a bust of himself, and carved from that tree, whose properties were most in accordance with the characteristics of his oratory or his politics. Thus the cylinders ofLord BroughamandMr. Disraeli, that pungent couple, might be carved from the prickly pear; those ofMr. NewdegateandMr. Henleyfrom the sloe; that ofMr. Hume, the Senior of the House, from the elder; that ofSir Robert Inglis, from the cherry, as he is theBobchériof the high Torics; that ofMr. Bright, from the aspen; that ofMr. Brotherton, the Vegetarian, from a large turnip; that ofMr. Lucas, from the bramble; that ofMr. Cobden, from the (good) service tree; and that ofLord Palmerston, the universal favourite, from the poplar. (Oh!)

The members might attend to turn their own cylinders, or the "Turner of the House of Commons" (for the duties of the Speaker would be at an end) might go round and set in motion the cylinders of those whose opinions he wished to circulate. The Irish members might be gratified, yet without any hindrance to public business, by the simultaneous gyrations of all their cylinders; a number of others, inscribed with the words Hear! Hear! or Question! might always be kept going; and if any honourable gentlemen chose to inscribe on their Tchu Kor words descriptive of cock-crowing or braying, they might make fowls or donkeys of themselves without hurting the feelings of others. In shortMr. Punchis so interested in his scheme, and so anxious for its development, that he pledges himself to haveTobyin readiness to turnLord John Russell'sTchu Kor, on the very first night that the scheme shall come into operation

Thrashing, bruising and milling are now carried to such perfection by machinery that every housekeeper may thrash his own establishment, every father of a family may do his own bruising, and every man may have the luxury of a private mill on his own premises. At the recent Cattle Show, our attention was invited to a "compact hand mill," calculated to do an immense amount of bruising, and to give a regular good dressing at the same time to a certain quantity of flour. The newspapers are continually asking us whether we bruise our oats, and intimating that if we vigorously assault our corn it will serve us as well again, from which we infer that every blow administered to our oats will be the means of an extra blow-out to our cattle. We wish our agricultural friends would tell us whether the bruising system would be applicable to anything else beside corn, and whether we may safely, in addition to bruising our oats, give occasionally a black eye to a potatoe?

A Nom de Guerre.—The French papers talk ofAberdeen,aproposof the Turkish Question, as the "ci-Divan jeune homme."

In whatever sense of the word the Corporation of London has conserved the Thames, it has not made that river a conserve of roses.

TTHE serious importance of Table Talking has been recognised by the City of London Corporation Commission, who have examined, as a witness, one of the Mansion House tables. The answers which they obtained by its means are important, as bearing on the question of Aldermanic agency.

THE serious importance of Table Talking has been recognised by the City of London Corporation Commission, who have examined, as a witness, one of the Mansion House tables. The answers which they obtained by its means are important, as bearing on the question of Aldermanic agency.

No sooner had the Commissioners placed their hands on the table than it began to move, evidently not from any involuntary muscular action, for to whatever extent those gentlemen pushed their inquiries, they did not push the table.

The following interrogatories were then put to the table, which rapped out the corresponding replies in the usual manner by striking with one of its legs, once for the affirmative, and twice for the negative, or giving the floor a knock at each of the several letters required to form a word, as the Chairman ran his pencil over the Alphabet:—

1. How old are you? The table rapped so many times that the Commissioners were tired, and directed it to stop, which it did.2. Are you older than the oldest inhabitant?—Yes.3. Did you knowWalworth?—Intimately.4. WasWhittingtona man or a myth?—Both.5. Was heLord Mayor of London?—Yes.6. Three times?—Yes.7. Used he and the Aldermen to dine together?—Sometimes.8. What was the principal delicacy at their banquets?—Rapped out "Ox."9. Was it roasted?—Yes.10. Whole?—Yes.11. With a pudding in its belly?—Yes.12. Was there venison pasty?—Yes.13. Did a Member of the Corporation ever eat a whole one?—Yes.14. Name the individual?—Spelt "Gog."15. Was he an Alderman?—Yes.16. Who wasMagog?—Rapped "Mace."17. Do you mean that he was Macebearer?—Yes.18. For what was he celebrated?—Drink.19. How much would he imbibe at a sitting?—Answered "Hogsheads."20. Of iced punch?—No. Of ale?—Yes. Of canary?—Yes. Of Malvoisie?—Yes. Of each?—Yes.21. Were statues erected toGogandMagogto commemorate their exploits?—Yes. In eating and drinking?—Yes.22. Are you in suffering?—Yes.23. From the effects of overloading?—Yes. From Gout?—Yes. In one of your legs?—Yes. Can you move that leg?—No.24. Does the recollection of what you have had to bear disgust you?—The table heaved violently.25. Does conscience torment you?—Yes.26. On account of the charities which you have served to consume?—Yes.27. Have you often groaned under your burdens?—Yes.28. Give the number of tureens of real turtle which you have borne in your time.—Rapped to the number of twenty thousand, and was continuing, when the time having arrived for the adjournment of the sitting, the examination of the table was postponed to another day.

1. How old are you? The table rapped so many times that the Commissioners were tired, and directed it to stop, which it did.

2. Are you older than the oldest inhabitant?—Yes.

3. Did you knowWalworth?—Intimately.

4. WasWhittingtona man or a myth?—Both.

5. Was heLord Mayor of London?—Yes.

6. Three times?—Yes.

7. Used he and the Aldermen to dine together?—Sometimes.

8. What was the principal delicacy at their banquets?—Rapped out "Ox."

9. Was it roasted?—Yes.

10. Whole?—Yes.

11. With a pudding in its belly?—Yes.

12. Was there venison pasty?—Yes.

13. Did a Member of the Corporation ever eat a whole one?—Yes.

14. Name the individual?—Spelt "Gog."

15. Was he an Alderman?—Yes.

16. Who wasMagog?—Rapped "Mace."

17. Do you mean that he was Macebearer?—Yes.

18. For what was he celebrated?—Drink.

19. How much would he imbibe at a sitting?—Answered "Hogsheads."

20. Of iced punch?—No. Of ale?—Yes. Of canary?—Yes. Of Malvoisie?—Yes. Of each?—Yes.

21. Were statues erected toGogandMagogto commemorate their exploits?—Yes. In eating and drinking?—Yes.

22. Are you in suffering?—Yes.

23. From the effects of overloading?—Yes. From Gout?—Yes. In one of your legs?—Yes. Can you move that leg?—No.

24. Does the recollection of what you have had to bear disgust you?—The table heaved violently.

25. Does conscience torment you?—Yes.

26. On account of the charities which you have served to consume?—Yes.

27. Have you often groaned under your burdens?—Yes.

28. Give the number of tureens of real turtle which you have borne in your time.—Rapped to the number of twenty thousand, and was continuing, when the time having arrived for the adjournment of the sitting, the examination of the table was postponed to another day.

Setters are a kind of dog kept exclusively in poultry-yards, for the purpose of assisting the hens in the work of incubation.

There are curious couples to be met with in the natural as well as in the social world. Thus Rooks and Pigeons are almost always found in company; while the Oyster but rarely appears without a Swallow.

The habits of the London rabbit (specimens of which may be obtained at any poulterer's) are extremely curious, and interesting to the naturalist. Though wild at times, it is easily domesticated, and will eat from the hand as well as from the pie-dish. It frequents in the day-time the tops of water-tubs and the bottoms of areas: while at night it is generally found on the tiles. When pleased, the animal makes a soft purring noise; but at night its cries are loud and piercing, and seriously disturb the neighbourhood which it infests. Its ears partake rather of the "crop" order than the "lop," and unlike the country species, it has a long tail. Unlike that species also, it is said, in lodgings especially, to be omnivorous.

Salmon of large size may be caught pretty freely in the Serpentine nearly all the year round—with a hook.

The author of "Nasology" asserts that human beings are distinguished chiefly by the nose; and the remark may be extended to the inferior creation, for there is scarcely a creature but has some prominent feature for the naturalist to lay hold of. Thus you may always know a woodcock, like an inn keeper, by the length of his bill, while a woodpecker more nearly resembles an apothecary, from its keeping bark continually on tap. In the same way, too, cocks are distinguished by their combs, and foxes by their brushes.

It is a singular fact that country cats have generally not half the appetite of London ones. The voracity of these latter animals is indeed prodigious; and hardly less surprising is the variety of their diet. We have ourselves repeatedly known instances, where in a single night the cat has been discovered to have eaten about a pound of beefsteak, and more than three quarters of a leg of mutton; and we are informed by a scientific friend of ours, who lives in lodgings, that he has even met with cases well authenticated by his landlady, where in less than a week her cat has consumed half a caddy of his tea, as well as an entire bottle of his brandy.

RUSSIAN HIDES WELL TANNED. By OMAR PACHA & CO. Tanners to theSublime Porte, Moldo-Wallachia.

Whatever may be the nature of the thinking principle of man, there is no doubt that the soul of business, Punctuality, is material. This psychological truth has been judiciously recognised in the practical philosophy of the City of London, which has devised a method of insuring the virtue in question, based on a profound conviction of its materiality. Of Committees for General Purposes,Mr. Thomas Rogers, in evidence before the Corporation Commission, stated that

"In order to induce Members to attend punctually the Chairman waits five minutes. At the expiration of that time he drops his hammer, and then all who are present have a right to dine with the Committee, but all who come after the five minutes are excluded from the dinner."

No doubt the attendance is generally full—at the commencement of the proceedings as well as after the subsequent repast. But in case the majority of the members are behind time, do the minority eat up the dinner provided for the whole number? Should the persons present at the fall of the hammer amount to just thirteen, does the popular superstition, that objects to a baker's dozen at the mahogany, prevent them from sitting down to table in a party of that number? If so, does one gentleman retire, or is one more taken in from the excluded set, and is the fortunate, or unfortunate, individual selected by lot? These are questions that suggest themselves to most thinking minds, though they did not occur to those of the Commissioners.

"Domine Dirige Nos" ought no longer to be the civic motto. Considering their characteristic principle of managing matters by appealing to the centre of the human system, the stomach, a better motto for the Corporation would be "Medio tutissimus ibis."

PunchandAlderman Challis.

Punch.Well, myEx-Lord Mayor, isPrince Albertto have a statue?

Alderman C.Ah! that he shall, please the pigs!

Punch.You mean to say, if it please the Aldermen.

[Challisretires chap-fallen.

European Concord.—We are happy to announce the Definite Concert of the Four Great Powers. Perhaps it ought rather to be called a Quartet; but that does not much signify: nobody need care what the coalition is named, if it results in harmony.

MMR. Punch has been unjustly accused of being hostile to the Lawyers. He repudiates the charge; and, in proof of his regard for a class whom he firmly believes not to be much blacker than they are painted, he subjoins a specimen of an honest attorney's bill.Mr. Punchoffers it to the profession as a model, and is convinced that if bills of costs were framed on its principle, he should hear less of strikes in the higher Courts—that wholesome striking by which an attorney is abated, and the roll lightened.

MR. Punch has been unjustly accused of being hostile to the Lawyers. He repudiates the charge; and, in proof of his regard for a class whom he firmly believes not to be much blacker than they are painted, he subjoins a specimen of an honest attorney's bill.Mr. Punchoffers it to the profession as a model, and is convinced that if bills of costs were framed on its principle, he should hear less of strikes in the higher Courts—that wholesome striking by which an attorney is abated, and the roll lightened.

Attorney's Charges.

January 1.-Attending plaintiffJigger, who stated that he was a Vestryman of Marlebone, and that in the course of a debate upon Hungarian politics, which naturally arose out of a paving and lighting question, the defendantSquash, also a Vestryman, had called him a hignorant hupstart, intimating most unjustifiably, that he,Squash, would sooner request the opinion of a jackass upon the point at issue than that of the plaintiff. InformingJiggerthat he had better mind his shop and not mindSquash.

February 10.—Jiggercalling and desiring to restate his grievances, which had rankled in his mind, taking down an almanack and pointing out to him that the month, which contained twenty-eight days only, was much too short for me to listen to such nonsense, and advising him to go about his business, and also attend to it.

March 12.—AttendingJigger, who came in the evening with a paper, in which he said he had put his case in the strongest possible light. Convinced him that he had not, by burning his paper in my naphtha lamp, and recommending him to go home and take his wife to the play.

April 19.—Perusing the first page of a letter fromJigger, in which he again stated his wrongs, and entered at some length into the Hungarian question, and the suspected levities ofMrs. Squash, the defendant's wife, and putting the said letter into the fire.

May 24.—Being at the Derby, andJiggercoming up very tipsy, and insisting on entering into his affairs between the races, attending Policeman A 172, and instructing him to moveJigger.

June 29.—AttendingJigger, who came in great glee to tell me that he had served a County Court summons onSquash, when I apprised him of my opinion that he was a great blockhead, but as he dissented from this view of the case, taking instructions to conduct the case for him, and subsequently writing toSquashto tell him to give me a look in.

July 1.—AttendingSquash, and telling him that I hated to see a couple of neighbours and fellow parishioners squabbling and scandalising one another, and that they must meet and make it up; whenSquashentered at considerable length into the Hungarian question, and also gave me some anecdotes ofJigger'srascality, and his daughterJemima'svulgarity. He consented to withdraw the jackass, but adhered to the hignorant hupstart.

August 3.—Having previously procured adjournments of the summons, my clerk's attendance to getJiggerout of the way on a fool's errand, so that when the cause was called on there was no plaintiff, and the matter dropped. No charge.

September 4.—AttendingJigger, who had been talking to some jackanapes of a lawyer's clerk, and had been told that the County Court summons might be resuscitated by a Bill of Revivor in Chancery, which he wanted me to file, and instructingJigger, as a preliminary, to go and kick his new adviser.

October 11.—AttendingSquash, who complained that my client was taking the law into his own hands, and throwing dead kittens, with insulting inscriptions affixed to their necks, into his,Squash's, shop, with intent to injure him in his trade of a sausage maker. To mollifySquash, ordering 3 lbs. of sausages; and N.B., presented same to my clerk, not having much faith in the defendant's zoological knowledge.

Paid for sausages.

November 5.—AttendingJigger, who insisted on my coming to the window to see a Guy, which he had prepared in the likeness ofSquash, and which he was causing his sons and apprentices to carry about, with a song containing pointed satire upon the Houses of Austria and ofSquash.

December 24.—Being out in the evening, ordering some spirits for my own Christmas festivity, and accidentally seeingSquashand his wife, instructing them to meet me in ten minutes in the parlour of the Jolly Snobs, and fetchingJiggerand his wife to the same place; addressing the parties on their folly, and insisting on their all joining in a friendly bowl of Christmas Punch, to which proposition they ultimately assented:Squash, in broken accents, declaring that, in his heart, he preferredJiggertoLord Palmerstonfor real political knowledge, andJiggeravowing that some gentleman, of whom he had read in the Sunday papers, calledHaristydus, was an unjust party compared toSquash. Left them shaking hands, and the women crying over one another.

Bowl of Punch

Total Bill of Costs for the year

This is my Bill,

BOLT UPRIGHT,Attorney.

If the energetic Home Secretary had only mentioned to us—confidentially of course—that he contemplated inviting everybody who can use a pen—every goose, in fact, possessed of a quill—to write to him on the subject of any and every grievance, we should have dissuaded him from the too adventurous act. The daily, and indeed hourly contents of our letter-box would, if set before his Lordship, have convinced him, that the corrector of public abuses will find himself continually buried under a Mont Blanc of foolscap, and enveloped in a mist of envelopes.Lord Palmerstonwill have less labour thrown upon him by his official post, than the Penny Post will consign him to every hour of the day.

We, however, remind his Lordship to lay down a rule excluding all anonymous letters from the number of those to which he is ready to give attention. Already one enormous hoax has been played upon him by a wag, who, under the signature of "Observer," has made a complaint against the City Police of "charging the public with drawn swords" on Lord Mayor's Day, and turning the Poultry into a sort of Peterloo. The Home Secretary has already demanded an explanation from the civic authorities; but it has turned out that the horses which rode over the people belonged to a mare's nest, while the only charge upon the public by the City Police is a charge of so much in the pound by way of rate, which is, no doubt, rather a heavy one. We certainly acquit the police of the massacre imputed to them byLord Palmerston'sanonymous friend, who seems to have a little of the assassin in his own composition, for he does his utmost to murder, by a stab in the dark, the characters of those whom he is too cowardly to assail in a straightforward manner.

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