WOMEN'S RIGHTS—MEN'S NOSES.

The female members, advocating Women's Rights in New York, have had a terrific engagement withLloyd Garrisonand others on the subject of Christianity. Peace, love, and humility dissolved "in a grand row." The ladies could not convinceLloyd Garrison; and so one of their male champions pulled his nose! This is truly theargumentum ad hominem. A man's skull may be so dense that not even female arguments piercingly delivered may penetrate to his brain; but if arguments be too subtle, there is still the convincing thumb and finger. Missing a man's conviction, the next noblest appeal to his reason is, unquestionably, to pull his nose! We hear that a pair of silver gauntlets have been presented by the Christian ladies to their champion who pulled the nose of the stoutGarrison. Indeed, he pulled it so vigorously, it was at first thought he had quite carried it.

BURGLARY AND BRONCHITIS PREVENTED

According to the ingeniousMr. Jeffreys, nobody should be without a respirator in his hand to clap on his own mouth by way of extinguisher to an incipient cough, or to pop on any unfortunate child who exhibits a tendency to choke. The respirator seems to be of two kinds; the one simply oral, which is calculated to check equally the wheeze of asthma or the whistle of age, and the other, ori-nasal, adapted to nose and mouth, so as to make it impossible either to sneeze or to snore.

According to the assertion of the inventor the Respirator is, in fact, a warm climate for five and sixpence; a portable Madeira that may be always put to the mouth like an inexhaustible bottle, at the mere price of the wine. Many gentlemen and ladies seem to have been starting for warmer latitudes—one individual seems to have been on the top of the 'bus bound,viáPaddington, for Barbadoes, when, somebody having recommended him a Respirator, he descended from the knife-board of a City Atlas, rushed into a shop, where he laid out a few shillings, and became the fortunate possessor of a warm climate, to be put on or taken offad libitum.

persons in bed wearing respirators

But perhaps the most valuable feature of the Respirator has been hitherto overlooked, for it is as a defence against Burglary rather than Bronchitis, that it will obtain the highest renown. Let any family go to bed wearing Respirators, and we defy the boldest burglar to execute his purpose if the family should be disturbed.Jack Sheppardhimself, or any other romantic ruffian, would start back with terror at the aspect of a household armed all in Respirators, and presenting such a picture as one of our artists has supplied. Or suppose the midnight marauder to have made his way into the bed-room of a pair of parents lying with an infant between them, the entire domestic trio wearing the frightful appendage invented byMr. Jeffreys, we are convinced that the panic-stricken miscreant would shrink out of the "Chamber of Horrors," and proceed to give himself up to justice at the nearest Police Station. We are convinced that a Respirator would be as effectual in frightening away burglars as a blunderbuss, or, rather, as an air-gun, to which, from its effect on the breathing, the instrument may be aptly compared.

Lord Palmerston—through his secretary—has administered a very wholesome rebuke to certain of the Presbytery of Edinburgh yearning, hungering for a fast, to stay the scourge of the Cholera. His Lordship suggests instead of fasting, washing. Eat your daily bread, says his Lordship, only take plenty of soap with it. Attend to your own dinner-table, as usual, only see that those places—

"Which are inhabited by the poorest classes, and which, from the nature of things, must most need purification and improvement, may be freed from those causes and sources of contagion which, if allowed to remain, will infallibly breed pestilence, and be fruitful in death, in spite of all the prayers and fastings of a united but inactive nation. When man has done his utmost for his own safety, then is the time to invoke the blessing of Heaven to give effect to his exertions."

Surely, this is very true. Prayers, however, earnest, will not sweeten a common sewer. Folks who fast for a long day will hardly do as much to remove the causes of Cholera, as even folks with brooms. An empty belly is scarcely so efficacious for the removal of disease as a clean Wynd. Whitewashed walls are surely quite as good, if not better, than lank jaws, pale with mortification. All Edinburgh wants a sweet clean shirt next a clean skin—not a shirt of penitential bristles, clothing (with hairy piety) a dirty hide. First do your best—saysPalmerston—and then ask a blessing on it. For the days of miracles are over. The deadly reek of sewers is not to be turned into airs from Heaven, though the most piousMalachi Malagrowthershall, for a long day and night, go without his porridge for it!

When you have worked, then it is good to ask a blessing on the labour. But hands first—and then, knees.

An advertisement has appeared in theTimes, headed "Wanted, Left off Clothing!" and directing the possessors of such articles to apply to "Mr. 'Aked." Looking to the character of the want expressed, one would imagine that by some typographical error the initial letter of the gentleman's name had been omitted.

How can thePopeget anybody to play billiards with him, unless he gets a Protestant, or a heathen? Who else would expect to have any chance with Infallibility?

A strict business man of our acquaintance is so extremely particular in all his transactions, that since the new Act came in force, he never has been known to pay a compliment, without insisting upon taking a stamped receipt.

"Saffron Hill, Olympus. Prid. Id. Oct.

WWELL beloved, joyful am I to see you Britons—penitus toto divisos orbe Britannos, as a friend near me says—returning or relapsing into Paganism. So my altar, 'the altar ofHymen,' is at last erected in your places of worship, is it? I had doubted whether the news could be true; but I now read the statement so repeatedly in theMorning Herald, who asserts herself to be the only exponent of religion (and Irish grammar), that I doubt no longer The 'Hymeneal ceremony' is constantly performed by your priests—so I read.Olympusrejoices—we all rejoice. My father,Apollo, has composed a capital song in honour of your conversion; and my respected mother,Urania, is making a new star, which will be hung out in a few nights in commemoration of the same. But, Well-beloved, there is a good saying byPerianderof Corinth, 'Prius intellige, et deinde ad opus accede.' The 'Hymeneal Ceremonies' ought to be performed accurately and properly, if at all, orJuno(between ourselves, a stuck-up party) will show little favour to the nuptials. Instruct your priests and officials, Well-beloved, and let us gods shortly read in theMorning Herald, that you are not content with foolishly applying Pagan phrases to Christian facts, but that you are consistent. Something like the following, eh?

WELL beloved, joyful am I to see you Britons—penitus toto divisos orbe Britannos, as a friend near me says—returning or relapsing into Paganism. So my altar, 'the altar ofHymen,' is at last erected in your places of worship, is it? I had doubted whether the news could be true; but I now read the statement so repeatedly in theMorning Herald, who asserts herself to be the only exponent of religion (and Irish grammar), that I doubt no longer The 'Hymeneal ceremony' is constantly performed by your priests—so I read.Olympusrejoices—we all rejoice. My father,Apollo, has composed a capital song in honour of your conversion; and my respected mother,Urania, is making a new star, which will be hung out in a few nights in commemoration of the same. But, Well-beloved, there is a good saying byPerianderof Corinth, 'Prius intellige, et deinde ad opus accede.' The 'Hymeneal Ceremonies' ought to be performed accurately and properly, if at all, orJuno(between ourselves, a stuck-up party) will show little favour to the nuptials. Instruct your priests and officials, Well-beloved, and let us gods shortly read in theMorning Herald, that you are not content with foolishly applying Pagan phrases to Christian facts, but that you are consistent. Something like the following, eh?

"S. dicit,

"Yours very faithfully,Hymen."

(From the Morning Herald.)

The long talked of espousals ofLord Julius Fitzmarlingspikeand the lovely and accomplishedRosa Augusta, youngest daughter of his Grace theDuke Of Bopps, have at length come off. Some delay was occasioned by the gentlemen of the long robe, but theSponsaliahaving been finally perused and settled by the eminent barristerChrysostom Silvertongue, Q.C., were engrossed on theLegitimæ Tabellæ, and were sealed onWoden'sday last.Lord Juliustook the opportunity of presenting his betrothed with a splendidAnnulus Pronubusof diamonds alternating with emeralds, expressly manufactured by the talented jewellers,RuntandHoskell. There was a difficulty in fixing the marriage day, there being so many unlucky days, andAtri, in this month's kalendar, andSaliiand theParentaliafestivals approaching. But yesterday having been selected, the lovely bride was dressed in a long white robe bordered with purple fringe, or embroidered ribbons (we could hardly say which), bound with a girdle of wool, and tied, of course, with the time-honouredNodus Herculeus. Her face was covered with a flame-coloured veil, denoting modesty, and her beautiful hair having been divided into six locks with the point of a spear (kindly lent from the New Zealand Museum), was crowned with flowers supplied from a well-knownbouquetièrein Covent Garden. Her shoes were of the same colour as her veil. The auspices had been duly consulted, and a very fine hog having been sacrificed toJuno(the animal was supplied from the long-established styes ofMessrs. Chitterlings and Co.), the omens from its inside were pronounced very favourable. We must not omit to record abon motof the bride, which shows that she possesses all the wit for which herspirituelfamily has been so long celebrated. On the question at the espousals being put to her, "An spondes?" she instantly replied, with an arch smile, "Spondeo, sed nomen meum non estAnne." The marriage ceremony was performed at the house of theDuke of Bopps, but in the evening the bride was conducted to her husband'sdomus. Three boys, whose parents were alive, attended her, two holding her by the arms, and one flourishing a link, which we regret was made the subject of ribald remark by the other boys in the street. The maid-servants followed with distaff, spindle, and wool, and a boy from the Lowther Arcade bore the playthings—thecrepundia—for the family with which it is to be hopedRosawill be blessed. The boys let off more than usually goodsales et couvicia, which is accounted for byMr. Punchhaving kindly undertaken to supply the jokes for the day. On arriving in Park Lane, the house ofLord Fitzmarlingspikewas found tastefully adorned with leaves and flowers, and the rooms with tapestry.Rosa, being asked byLord Juliuswho she was, replied, in a firm voice, "Ubi tuCaius,ibi egoCaia," and immediately bound the door-posts with woollen fillets, supplied byMadame Crinoline, of Bond Street. She was lifted over the threshold, touched fire and water—a wax lucifer and someEau de Colognedoing the symbolic duty—the nuptial song, written byM. Catnach, and composed byM. Costa, was sung;Lord Juliusscattered nuts (best Barcelona, fromShadrack's) among the boys; and then several matrons, who had been married but once (theHon. Mrs. Jones, theHon. Mrs. Brown, and theHon. Mrs. Robinson), singing all the way, conducted the happy bride to the nuptial bower, which was erected in the hall, and covered with flowers. Young women sang outside the house until midnight, when they were ordered off by the Police. The second entertainment, theNepotia, will be given this day. We should add that the ceremony was impressively performed by theHon.andRev. Pontifex Maximus, assisted by theHaruspex Bobbus Montgomeriensis.

ATHEMorning Post, by a Correspondent, begs to call the earnest attention of an emotional public to the use and abuse of a wooden peg at the Princess's Theatre, "for the accommodation of a lady's bonnet." That bonnets are the source of a multitude of evils is a truth that every married man will not, for a moment, hesitate to avouch; howeverHenryorAugustus—not yet married—may hypocritically venture to dispute. Now a bonnet at the Princess's Theatre—according to thePostcorrespondent—carries with it a peculiar worth: namely, price sixpence. On the 25th instant at half-past 9, the dress-circle of the Princess's "less than half-full," a lady was required to give up her bonnet. Well and good. That bonnet was hung upon a peg. As bonnets are now worn, a bonnet, for that matter, might be hung upon nothing. When the bonnet was reclaimed, the complaining gentleman proffered 4d., which was "indignantly rejected. Nothing less than sixpence could be taken;" which being given, the gentleman remarks commercially "that 6d.per evening is too heavy a rate to exact for the use of a peg."

THEMorning Post, by a Correspondent, begs to call the earnest attention of an emotional public to the use and abuse of a wooden peg at the Princess's Theatre, "for the accommodation of a lady's bonnet." That bonnets are the source of a multitude of evils is a truth that every married man will not, for a moment, hesitate to avouch; howeverHenryorAugustus—not yet married—may hypocritically venture to dispute. Now a bonnet at the Princess's Theatre—according to thePostcorrespondent—carries with it a peculiar worth: namely, price sixpence. On the 25th instant at half-past 9, the dress-circle of the Princess's "less than half-full," a lady was required to give up her bonnet. Well and good. That bonnet was hung upon a peg. As bonnets are now worn, a bonnet, for that matter, might be hung upon nothing. When the bonnet was reclaimed, the complaining gentleman proffered 4d., which was "indignantly rejected. Nothing less than sixpence could be taken;" which being given, the gentleman remarks commercially "that 6d.per evening is too heavy a rate to exact for the use of a peg."

By no means. At least, not at the Princess's Theatre: there, the whole management is a management of pegs. What is poorByronmade of, but a peg—a mere peg—whereon to hang the fine clothes of aSardanapalus? Plays, as mere plays, are not to be thought of; but pegs—pegs that will hold any number of fine suits, any weight of canvas. In fact, the peg is the play.

To return to the bonnet peg, it may be advisable for good housewives—visiting the Princess's—to follow the advice ofMiss Martineauto travellers. She says: Fail not to take a few gimblets; they serve on board ship admirably for pegs. Perhaps the manager of the Princess's will make it known in future bills whether ladies with bonnets visiting his theatre may be permitted to bring their own gimblets.

Three removes, it is said, are as bad as a fire; but a fire is not so bad as an extravagant woman, by many removes. The one simply burns you out of house, but the other, if she is your wife, burns you out of both house and home; and then again, you may put out the former, but, as long as you have a place to live in, you have no chance of putting out the latter.

Last week ten thousand barrels of ale—(just advanced 6s.per barrel)—inBass'sbrewery were turned sour by the thunder of—theTimes.

Scandal-mongers should take timely warning from the Chinese Rebellion, before the same law is enforced in England as in China; the summary punishment being instantly inflicted on every person who is convicted of being atale-bearer.

A Sovereign Remedy(for Bankrupts and Insolvents).—Paying twenty shillings in the Pound.

THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENTTHE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT.Railway Official (waking Old Gent from a sweet sleep)."Tickets, please!"

Railway Official (waking Old Gent from a sweet sleep)."Tickets, please!"

Mr. John Mitchel—by the astute and graceful manner with which he resigned his "comparative liberty," revoking his "parole of honour"—displayed a politeness that would have charmedLord Chesterfield, and a casuistry that would have ravishedIgnatius Loyola. Determined upon escaping from bondage—(for which we say the smallest blame to him)—he nevertheless resolved to escape like a gentleman. He would resign his "comparative liberty" gracefully, as a bride resigns her hand—he would revoke his parole smilingly, as a high-bred cardplayer would revoke at whist. He enters the police-office—walks into the magistrate's room—gives him a bit of paper. "What's this?" asks the magistrate. "That's to signify," saysJohn Mitchel, "that you may chain me—lock me up." "May I, indeed!" cried the magistrate. "You may," answers the magnanimous patriot; who, disdaining to take the least advantage, bolts from the court, jumps on a horse ready saddled for the work, and gallops his hardest.

We have heard of splitting a hair; but never before was word of man—parole of honour—broken with such nicety. The flaw is so delicate, it is hard to say where it begins or ends. In future, perhaps, when an Irish convict gentleman waits upon an Australian magistrate, to surrender, on paper, his "comparative liberty," the magistrate, before perusing the document, will take the precaution of shutting the office-door.

Many of the farmers about Preston are giving their cows apples, in consequence of that fruit being more plentiful, and so much cheaper, than potatoes. We wonder whether this difference of diet produces any difference in the milking; and whether a cow, so fed, instead of yielding so many pints of milk, gives now so many bottles of cider; or whether it was a combination of both—a sort of milk-cider? In the cause of temperance, we pause for a reply.

Caledonian Fiddle-de-dee.—The irritation of the Scotch agitators may be only skin-deep, but the disorder nevertheless may prove contagious.

WWE see that old Kentucky is going ahead in the practice of humanity towards an unfortunate and degraded class of beings. Witness theNew York Journal of Commerce, which contains the subjoined paragraph:—

WE see that old Kentucky is going ahead in the practice of humanity towards an unfortunate and degraded class of beings. Witness theNew York Journal of Commerce, which contains the subjoined paragraph:—

"Marking Convicts.—A resolution has been introduced into the Kentucky Legislature, which provides 'that the keeper of the Penitentiary shall procure a suitable chymical dye, such as shall stain the cuticle or outer surface of the skin perfectly black, so that it cannot be washed off, or in any way removed until time shall wear it away, and Nature furnish a new cuticle or surface; and that with this dye he shall have the nose of each male convict painted thoroughly black, and renew the application as often as it may be necessary to keep it so until within one month of the expiration of his sentence, when it shall be discontinued for the purpose of permitting Nature to restore the feature to its original hue preparatory to the second advent of its owner into the world.'"

It has long been the reproach of America that she has one law for the blacks, and another for the whites. This is in one sense the case in Kentucky; but there the advantage is on the side of the blacks. It is quite obvious that the project for staining the noses of malefactors black would not be feasible in the case of negroes: at least, in that case, it would be a scheme analogous to that of gilding refined gold, if not of painting the lily. That equal justice might lay hold of the nigger's nose, it would be necessary to resort to a converse expedient, and colour the African proboscis white. But for this purpose nothing could be used but a mere pigment; for Chemistry does not supply any substance which would have the effect of bleaching, even temporarily, the blackamoor's skin. If that science could afford such a cosmetic, it would emancipate several millions of persons in America, who are deprived of their liberty and their rights as men for no other crime than their complexion, but who might obtain their freedom as easily as insolvent debtors if they could only manage to procure some sort of wash by which they might be whitewashed.

We have had an Ecclesiastical Titles' Bill to prevent things from being called by any but their right names; and we are now about to suggest the passing of a Theatrical Titles' Bill, with the view of putting a stop to an assumption of certain high-sounding styles and dignities in the dramatic world, which are becoming offensive to the common sense of our countrymen. "His Eminence," as applied toCardinal Wiseman, may be ridiculous enough, but it is even still more absurd, when usurped as it is, by a number of so-called "eminent" tragedians. There is scarcely a theatrical hole or corner in London that does not advertise its possession of the services of some "eminent" individual, whose "mummeries" are quite as objectionable as those complained of in the Popish priesthood. We suspect, however, that some of the objectionable titles are conferred on the parties without their own consent; and we feel convinced that our honest friend,Mr. John Cooper—the comic representative ofHenry the Eighth, and the originalBumpsinTurning the Tables—can never have given his adhesion to the bigotry and superstition of Exeter Hall, whose concert conductors have advertised him as the "eminent tragedian."

Baron Rothschild'sHounds will meet on the Banks of the Danube.

AAlthough we are aware that the contemplated evil will be perpetrated too late for the interference ofPunch: nevertheless, for the sake of future coachmen and footmen of future Lord Mayors, we must indignantly protest against the cruelty exercised byLord Mayor Sidneyon his hapless vassals! Will it be believed that—with the City corporation inarticulo mortis—the Lord Mayor's coachman and footmen are for the first time to be "in rich Genoa velvet!" The colour a beautiful gunpowder green, "with a scarlet bordering of the same material!" There are moreover to be "hundreds of yards of gold lace," the pattern continuous sprigs of the tea-plant! "Gorgeous aiguillettes of unusual length" (according to the ears of the corporation) "terminating with rich bullion balls;" an improvement that might have been reserved for any future Lord Pawnbroker. "In addition to the rich bullion wings on the shoulders"—the left arm will bear the family crest. Only think ofJeameswith wings! How beautifully does the notion illustrateMilton!—

Although we are aware that the contemplated evil will be perpetrated too late for the interference ofPunch: nevertheless, for the sake of future coachmen and footmen of future Lord Mayors, we must indignantly protest against the cruelty exercised byLord Mayor Sidneyon his hapless vassals! Will it be believed that—with the City corporation inarticulo mortis—the Lord Mayor's coachman and footmen are for the first time to be "in rich Genoa velvet!" The colour a beautiful gunpowder green, "with a scarlet bordering of the same material!" There are moreover to be "hundreds of yards of gold lace," the pattern continuous sprigs of the tea-plant! "Gorgeous aiguillettes of unusual length" (according to the ears of the corporation) "terminating with rich bullion balls;" an improvement that might have been reserved for any future Lord Pawnbroker. "In addition to the rich bullion wings on the shoulders"—the left arm will bear the family crest. Only think ofJeameswith wings! How beautifully does the notion illustrateMilton!—

"So dear to Heav'n is humble May'ralty,That when aSidney'sfound sincerely soA thousand liveried angels lacquey him!"

"So dear to Heav'n is humble May'ralty,

That when aSidney'sfound sincerely so

A thousand liveried angels lacquey him!"

Besides the wings, the gorgeous creatures will carrySidney'sarms and crest, "a porcupine with six mullions!" The porcupine has quills of real gold—no other quills being used in theSidneyledger. In addition to this, the hats of coachman and footmen will be constructed in the form of magnificent tea-pots; made of solid silver, thickly gilt.

All this is very splendid; but what is to become of the poor men, their year of glory out? Two of the footmen—after only trying on their wings—gave signs of incipient insanity; declaring they "felt themselves all over cherubims and no mistake." If, in November, 1854, three of these winged flunkies be found perfectly sane,Lord Sidneymay be thankful. In the meanwhile, can he ever pass Bedlam, without a tender feeling for the future destiny of his footmen and coachman?

Certain civic enthusiasts glorifyLord Sidneyfor the grandeur that seems to be intended as a fine defiance—like a gilt lion—of the Corporation Commission. The cause for whichSidneybleeds in his tailor's bill is, no doubt, a cause very dear to aldermen and councilmen; and it is expected that, emulating his Lordship, they will on the present ninth—as it may be thelastshow—die gloriously; dying like dolphins in surpassing colours.

Meanwhile, we trust that a watchful eye will be kept upon the angelic footmen and archangelic coachman. What have they done, poor fellows!

Having recently had a slight corvine plucking withMr. CobdenandMr. Bright,Mr. Punchhas the more pleasure in bearing testimony to their noble conduct in reference to the strike disturbances at Wigan.

As soon asMr. Cobdenwas informed of these painful outbreaks, he laid aside a pamphlet which he is writing, to prove that Russia never went to war with anybody, and he hurried off toMr. Bright. He found the latter busily arranging the library which has recently been presented to him for his anti-Corn Law exertions; and that gentleman, hastily dashing down a fine copy of "Boxiana," which he was reading with great zest, got into his friend's carriage.

"I think," saidMr. Cobden, with one of his frank smiles, "that we, who have shown that everything can be arranged by diplomacy, have assailed everybody for not settling differences by arbitration, and have so often vaunted the superiority of the cultivated town operative over the agricultural dolt, would hardly like to be accused of allowing thousands of our own disciples to rise in riot close to our own doors, without interfering and arguing with them."

"By Jove!—I mean verily," saidMr. Bright, nearly smashing the carriage window in his energy, "I should like any dastard to say that I sneaked out of such an affray."

The missionaries of peace and political economy went pleasantly on, reached Wigan, had the military sent away, and convoked the populace.Mr. Cobdenthen explained to the rioters that a question of wages was not to be settled by violence, and invited them to a peaceful discussion; andMr. Bright, in the kindest manner, offered to fight anybody who was irrational. Their appeals were successful, and after three hours of peaceful talk,Messrs. C. & B.went off to the employers with proposals, enforcing them by sound argument. They were accepted, and the whole population have returned to work.

Mr. Punchhas not often the happiness of agreeing with theMorning Herald, but is bound to express his gratitude to that journal for having called his attention to the above noble and courageous conduct ofMessers. CobdenandBright, who have now shown that they are not mere empty theorists and platform spouters, but honest, consistent friends of peace.

The House of Hanover does not shine very much in bronze. All our statues of the departed greatness of that House are marvellously little. The best point ofGeorge the Thirdis his pigtail; whilst his son,George the Fourth, looks and sits his steed in Trafalgar Square like an over-fed ostler above his business. TheDuke of York—a monument at which every insolvent touches his hat in sympathetic reverence—is, however, to come down. This we learn to be decided upon in the very highest quarters—a truth whispered at the fireplaces of the Clubs.Prince Albertis to have a statue in Hyde Park: and the men who propose the monument (not that they can want bronze) are to have placed at their disposal, as old metal, the whole of the York Pillar and Royal effigies. Thus theDuke of Yorkwill duly go to the melting-pot, the only manner in which there is any chance of his liquidating the debts he has left behind him.

Presentation of a New Breast-Pin on the 5th of NovemberPresentation of a New Breast-Pin on the 5th of November.

It is the fashion at all the Clubs to allude to LordAberdeenalways as "the injudicious Bottle-holder of the Porte."

Bitter for Burton.—For raising the price of Bitter Ale, the Brewers thereof allege, as one reason, the dearness ofHops. What hasthatto do with it?

MRS. BUNDLE GOES TO SEE THE GREAT AMERICAN ANT-EATERMRS. BUNDLE GOES TO SEE THE GREAT AMERICAN ANT-EATER.Mrs. B. (loquitur)."Well! if I'd ha' known I should ha' got scrooged into a Sandwich in this way, I'd have seen the Hant-heater at 'Anover fust!"[AndMrs. Bundlecan't get a sight of the novelty after all.]

Mrs. B. (loquitur)."Well! if I'd ha' known I should ha' got scrooged into a Sandwich in this way, I'd have seen the Hant-heater at 'Anover fust!"

[AndMrs. Bundlecan't get a sight of the novelty after all.]

"His Royal Highness Prince Albert, and theKing of the Belgianswent out shooting yesterday, attended [at a respectful distance] byColonel Flint."—Court Circular.

King.To continue,mon cher, our talk of yesterday. Why not let Russia have Moldavia and—

Prince.Mark! [Fires, and pheasant falls.]

King.And Wallachia? You will perceive that Austria, who by the way, has been shamefully libelled by your press; you will perceive,Albert, that—

Prince.Mark again! [Both fire, and both miss.]

King.Austria requires peace. In fact, the interests of humanity demand peace. France wants peace, Belgium wants peace, Saxe-Coburg wants peace; and Saxe-Gotha wants peace!

Prince.How wild the dogs are this morning! To be sure, Saxe-Gotha.

King.And England.—for I am more than half an Englishman, my dearAlbert—England wants peace. Think of your debt. Eight hundred millions! A sum enough to strike the house ofRothschildflat into gold-leaf. Eight hundred millions,mon cher, and Europe in a blaze. How do you know your eight hundred wouldn't be doubled?

Prince.Twice eight's sixteen.

King.Exactly. I saw a passage in the papers about some wild Indians who fire golden balls. Why, doesn't England always fire golden balls? Load with lead and iron; and don't taxes turn 'em to gold?

Prince.Aberdeenthe respectable says the same.

King.Aberdeen'sa great statesman. That is, he's great in his respectability. And the English—I know the noble islanders—the English are so devoted to a respectable Minister, that they'd rather be half-ruined by respectability, than saved and served by anything that's brilliant. They fear brilliancy, as it is saidJames the Firstwinced at a drawn sword.

Prince.To be sure,Palmerston—

King.A firebrand,mon cher: but now excellently disposed of. However, for the peace of Europe—

Prince.Mark! [Fires; bird falls.]

King (to dogs).Down charge! But for the peace of EuropePamis capitally placed. It is all right to have a firebrand in the Home Office, so long as you keep a Wet Blanket in the first place of the Treasury.

Prince.Peace is certainly to be desired. You have not seen my picture—an allegory of Peace?

King.I have. —— showed it me yesterday. My dearAlbert, do let me have a copy—nay two copies, by your own hand; one for Austria, one for Russia; they will be delighted. Such "material guarantees" for the peace of Europe; and peace at any price will be cheaper than ever.

Prince.Aberdeendeplores war. He said at the Council on Tuesday, whenMolesworthtalked about national honour, and shedding blood, and all that—he said: It is better to have your nose pulled, than your nose cut off. Now England has certainly had its nose pulled—

King.But has not lost an inch of it. The nose is quite as good as ever, and then—

Prince.Down, Pompey! How wild the dogs are!

King.And then, with war, what throne is safe? Hungary—Italy—Rome—Naples—

Prince.The dogs are very wild!

King.And as I've said,mon cher, Saxe-Coburg and Saxe-Gotha. Therefore, why not let Russia keep the Provinces, and—

Prince.Here comeBrabantandFlanders.

King.Mark! (His Majesty fires; bird falls. TheDuke of BrabantandCount of Flandersjoin).

The above is faithfully translated from the German, a language in which the distinguished sportsmen always shoot.Colonel Flintdoes not know a word of German.

Two sisters stand by Stamboul's sunny waters,Two sisters sit where Arctic ice-winds rave—Hands clasped, the first watch a fleet's crew at quarters;Hands clasped, the second weep beside a grave.The same two sisters;—long upon each other,Stern have they frowned across their Channel sea:But now all rivalries and hates they smother,And sit thus, hand in hand laid lovingly.Why, sisters, rest ye thus at peace together,Your ancient feuds and factions all laid by?—Why smile you in that purple Asian weather?Why weep you 'neath that leaden Polar sky?"Two causes, stranger, hold us thus united—Both fit to make true friends of noble foes:In the bright East we stand to see wrong righted,In the black North, a hero's eyes we close."Those battle flags that side by side are swellingSpeak of brute force defied, of law maintained,Those funeral flags that side by side are trailing,Speak both of loss endured and triumph gained."Yon banded fleet to all the nations teachesHe that doth wrong his wrong shall sore abye;The icy monument of Bellot preachesHow nobly love can live, how grandly faith can die."Are not these lessons worthy of the giving?To give them is't not well we use our might?Then leave us to our gladness and our grieving,Under the Eastern sun, beneath the Polar night."

Two sisters stand by Stamboul's sunny waters,Two sisters sit where Arctic ice-winds rave—Hands clasped, the first watch a fleet's crew at quarters;Hands clasped, the second weep beside a grave.

Two sisters stand by Stamboul's sunny waters,

Two sisters sit where Arctic ice-winds rave—

Hands clasped, the first watch a fleet's crew at quarters;

Hands clasped, the second weep beside a grave.

The same two sisters;—long upon each other,Stern have they frowned across their Channel sea:But now all rivalries and hates they smother,And sit thus, hand in hand laid lovingly.

The same two sisters;—long upon each other,

Stern have they frowned across their Channel sea:

But now all rivalries and hates they smother,

And sit thus, hand in hand laid lovingly.

Why, sisters, rest ye thus at peace together,Your ancient feuds and factions all laid by?—Why smile you in that purple Asian weather?Why weep you 'neath that leaden Polar sky?

Why, sisters, rest ye thus at peace together,

Your ancient feuds and factions all laid by?—

Why smile you in that purple Asian weather?

Why weep you 'neath that leaden Polar sky?

"Two causes, stranger, hold us thus united—Both fit to make true friends of noble foes:In the bright East we stand to see wrong righted,In the black North, a hero's eyes we close.

"Two causes, stranger, hold us thus united—

Both fit to make true friends of noble foes:

In the bright East we stand to see wrong righted,

In the black North, a hero's eyes we close.

"Those battle flags that side by side are swellingSpeak of brute force defied, of law maintained,Those funeral flags that side by side are trailing,Speak both of loss endured and triumph gained.

"Those battle flags that side by side are swelling

Speak of brute force defied, of law maintained,

Those funeral flags that side by side are trailing,

Speak both of loss endured and triumph gained.

"Yon banded fleet to all the nations teachesHe that doth wrong his wrong shall sore abye;The icy monument of Bellot preachesHow nobly love can live, how grandly faith can die.

"Yon banded fleet to all the nations teaches

He that doth wrong his wrong shall sore abye;

The icy monument of Bellot preaches

How nobly love can live, how grandly faith can die.

"Are not these lessons worthy of the giving?To give them is't not well we use our might?Then leave us to our gladness and our grieving,Under the Eastern sun, beneath the Polar night."

"Are not these lessons worthy of the giving?

To give them is't not well we use our might?

Then leave us to our gladness and our grieving,

Under the Eastern sun, beneath the Polar night."

The Chinese Imperial general offered to his soldiers two dollars a head—the head duly cut off—of the enemy. Well, the enemy not forthcoming, the gallant soldiers took off the heads of their friends. The heads becoming cumbrous from their number, the general declared that he would be sufficiently satisfied with the instalment of ears. Whereupon the gallant Chinese accosted the villagers, men and women, in Shaksperian utterance—"Lend us your ears," and they granted the loan as security for their head.

His Pluckings sore long time he bore,ButPaleywas in vain;At length, disgusted, he took and "cussed" it,And didn't try again.

His Pluckings sore long time he bore,

ButPaleywas in vain;

At length, disgusted, he took and "cussed" it,

And didn't try again.

ornament top

LD Winchester—as most people know, and the rest may have heard—has a noble Cathedral. But what is the noblest Cathedral in the possession of an ignoble clergy? A temple inhabited by owls and bats—infested with rats and mice; stupid, crawling, disagreeable and voracious creatures.

Lower half of ornate capital letter

Winchester Cathedral, however, rejoices under the guardianship of a body of divines of whom it may fearlessly be asserted that they neither hoot nor squeak, nor fly on any wings but those of devotion, nor offend the external senses, nor nibble to any extent that is uncapitular.

Some Chapters—the excellentDean of Winchesteris stricken in years, and for the present management of the affairs of the Cathedral, renown and honour are probably due altogether to his subordinates—, some lazy indifferent Chapters, content themselves with keeping the glorious buildings bequeathed to them by the great churchmen of the Middle Ages in simple repair. This may, indeed, include ornamental restorations. But here they stop. Averse to progress, these prebendal sloths do nothing whatever to improve their cathedrals, by alterations and embellishments in accordance with the feelings and wants of the age.

Sluggish indifference like this is not to be cast, in the teeth of those high-minded and liberal clergymen, the Chapter of Winchester. We are informed that they have lately enriched the interior of that majestic edifice with additional features, which, whilst subservient to utility, have, at the same time, the high æsthetical merit of embodying, or symbolising the canonical spirit of the nineteenth century.

Double rows of iron hurdles, surmounted bychevaux-de-frise, have been placed by these magnanimous dignitaries across the aisles of the Cathedral.

We are sorry to say that a correspondent, writing from Winchester, is so disrespectful as to suggest a motive for the erection of these barriers of a nature unclerical, if not unworthy. He supposes that the reverend gentry of the Close have taken to sporting, and as neither custom, nor the agriculturists to whom the meadows belong, would allow them to ride steeple-chases in the valley of the Itchen, they have set up "bullfinchers" within their own bounds, in order to prosecute the chase of the steeple within the church.

A wholesome caution has just been administered to self-styled Literary Institutions, which claim exemption from Poor Rate by the assumption of a title which they do not carry out. At the Bath Quarter Sessions a set of persons calling themselves the Bath Literary and Scientific Institution, had the effrontery to make a claim to freedom from taxation; and on the question being put to one of the witnesses—"IsPunchtaken in at the Institution?" the reply was in the negative. This of course settled the point as to the Society being one for the advancement of literature; and the Sessions instantly decided against the claim.

We hope Literary Societies in general will take a note of this important decision, which lays it down, on legal authority, that the taking in ofPunchis satisfactory evidence of an intention to promote literature. The Bath chaps who sought exemption on insufficient grounds, have received a lesson which we trust will not be lost on those who fail to "mind theirPunch," and who fancy themselves promoters of literature without qualifying themselves by that test which is now recognised by a legal tribunal as decisive, and will, we hope, find its way into "the Books" as soon as possible.

Those renowned gourmands, the Corporation of the City of London, have got up a new dish, in the hope that it may prove a "pretty dish to set before theQueen;" adulation dished up as a sort of curry or attempt at currying of favour with an illustrious Prince. By their proposal to erect a statue toPrince Albertduring his lifetime, they will not, however, succeed in the scheme of cajoling the Crown to interfere between their corruptions and reform; and the meal they propose for the acceptance of His Royal Highness will prove a mess. They had better relinquish their endeavours to add lustre to the reputation of the Prince, and transfer their attention to his boots.

ThePresbyterstoPalmerston.

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