THE PRIMA DONNA.

Mr. Punch's Holiday Pages

[The repertoire of Summer is here made to embrace the prelude of many good things that come within the wider scope of the holiday season.]

Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, we crave your kind attention!Here's Summer, at your service (till you bid the lady stop);Good gentlemen, she's songs for you—'tis time to drop dissension;'Tis time to cut the cackle and to close awhile the shop;For stags shall be in Badenoch, and Kent hath twined the hop.Yes, songs for every son o' you, and all have silver linings!Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, it's close, your London air;If I'm mixing up the proverbs, 'tis because my roads run shiningThrough the fret of far-off pine-woods, and I'm wishful to be there;Or at hand among the hop-poles when the vines are trailing fair.Good gentlemen, the prologue! Here's a programme most attractive:She's songs for everyone o' you—oh, rare the tunes and rich!Here's hackneyedDevon Harbours(but the pollock's biting active);Here'sEvening(rise in Hampshire); here'sThe Roller on the Pitch;And music in the lot o' them—it doesn't matter which.We've longWhite Roads o' Brittanyand prettyWayside Posies,Blue Bays(beneath the undercliff—the white sails crawling by);We'veRabbits in a Hedgerow(how the bustling Clumber noses);We'veGrouse Across the Valley(crashing crumpled from the sky);And magic's in each note of her—it doesn't matter why.Here'sSalmon SongsandShrimping Songs, according to your pocket;Here'sHopping(with a lurcher—twice as useful as a gunFor the fat young August pheasants that'll never live to rocket);Here's a jollySong o' Golf Balls; here's the tune ofCubs that Run;We've something for each Jack o' you, for every mother's son.Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, we crave your kind permission!Here's Summer, at your service, and she'd sing you on your waysThe marching songs of morning and the Road that fits the Vision,The mellow songs of twilight and the gold September haze;God rest you all, good gentlemen, and send you pleasant days.

Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, we crave your kind attention!

Here's Summer, at your service (till you bid the lady stop);

Good gentlemen, she's songs for you—'tis time to drop dissension;

'Tis time to cut the cackle and to close awhile the shop;

For stags shall be in Badenoch, and Kent hath twined the hop.

Yes, songs for every son o' you, and all have silver linings!Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, it's close, your London air;If I'm mixing up the proverbs, 'tis because my roads run shiningThrough the fret of far-off pine-woods, and I'm wishful to be there;Or at hand among the hop-poles when the vines are trailing fair.

Yes, songs for every son o' you, and all have silver linings!

Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, it's close, your London air;

If I'm mixing up the proverbs, 'tis because my roads run shining

Through the fret of far-off pine-woods, and I'm wishful to be there;

Or at hand among the hop-poles when the vines are trailing fair.

Good gentlemen, the prologue! Here's a programme most attractive:She's songs for everyone o' you—oh, rare the tunes and rich!Here's hackneyedDevon Harbours(but the pollock's biting active);Here'sEvening(rise in Hampshire); here'sThe Roller on the Pitch;And music in the lot o' them—it doesn't matter which.

Good gentlemen, the prologue! Here's a programme most attractive:

She's songs for everyone o' you—oh, rare the tunes and rich!

Here's hackneyedDevon Harbours(but the pollock's biting active);

Here'sEvening(rise in Hampshire); here'sThe Roller on the Pitch;

And music in the lot o' them—it doesn't matter which.

We've longWhite Roads o' Brittanyand prettyWayside Posies,Blue Bays(beneath the undercliff—the white sails crawling by);We'veRabbits in a Hedgerow(how the bustling Clumber noses);We'veGrouse Across the Valley(crashing crumpled from the sky);And magic's in each note of her—it doesn't matter why.

We've longWhite Roads o' Brittanyand prettyWayside Posies,

Blue Bays(beneath the undercliff—the white sails crawling by);

We'veRabbits in a Hedgerow(how the bustling Clumber noses);

We'veGrouse Across the Valley(crashing crumpled from the sky);

And magic's in each note of her—it doesn't matter why.

Here'sSalmon SongsandShrimping Songs, according to your pocket;Here'sHopping(with a lurcher—twice as useful as a gunFor the fat young August pheasants that'll never live to rocket);Here's a jollySong o' Golf Balls; here's the tune ofCubs that Run;We've something for each Jack o' you, for every mother's son.

Here'sSalmon SongsandShrimping Songs, according to your pocket;

Here'sHopping(with a lurcher—twice as useful as a gun

For the fat young August pheasants that'll never live to rocket);

Here's a jollySong o' Golf Balls; here's the tune ofCubs that Run;

We've something for each Jack o' you, for every mother's son.

Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, we crave your kind permission!Here's Summer, at your service, and she'd sing you on your waysThe marching songs of morning and the Road that fits the Vision,The mellow songs of twilight and the gold September haze;God rest you all, good gentlemen, and send you pleasant days.

Good gentlemen, good gentlemen, we crave your kind permission!

Here's Summer, at your service, and she'd sing you on your ways

The marching songs of morning and the Road that fits the Vision,

The mellow songs of twilight and the gold September haze;

God rest you all, good gentlemen, and send you pleasant days.

Tennis at the VicarageTennis at the Vicarage.

Tennis at the Vicarage.

A jolly bathing partyA jolly bathing party.

A jolly bathing party.

Our dear old friendOur dear old friend, the foreign spy (cunningly disguised as a golfer), visits our youngest suburb one Saturday afternoon in quest of further evidence of our lethargy, general decadence and falling birth-rate. He gets a shock and at once telegraphs to his commander-in-chief urging that the conquest of the British Isles be undertaken before the present generation is many years older.

Our dear old friend, the foreign spy (cunningly disguised as a golfer), visits our youngest suburb one Saturday afternoon in quest of further evidence of our lethargy, general decadence and falling birth-rate. He gets a shock and at once telegraphs to his commander-in-chief urging that the conquest of the British Isles be undertaken before the present generation is many years older.

[Jones, secretary to the South Sea Islanders' Regeneration Society, who is suffering from nerves, is recommended a very remote sea-coast retreat for his summer holiday. With his wife and family he tries it. The manager of a certain cinema company likewise chooses this particular spot for his company to rehearse their powerful new drama, "Down among the Dead Men."]

wake up, DadMiss Jones."wake up, Dad, we're going to bathe."

Miss Jones."wake up, Dad, we're going to bathe."

After the wreckFirst Act of the Drama.—After the wreck: Desmond and Rosemary washed ashore on the Cannibal Island.

First Act of the Drama.—After the wreck: Desmond and Rosemary washed ashore on the Cannibal Island.

Jones (to the rescue)Jones (to the rescue)."Devils! fiends! Untie that white man!"

Jones (to the rescue)."Devils! fiends! Untie that white man!"

The Cinema Manager explainsThe Cinema Manager explains."Sorry to have caused you any inconvenience, Sir—merely rehearsing 'Down among the Dead Men'—dam fine drama, Sir—we produce same at the Opera 'Ouse, Croydon, on the 16th."

The Cinema Manager explains."Sorry to have caused you any inconvenience, Sir—merely rehearsing 'Down among the Dead Men'—dam fine drama, Sir—we produce same at the Opera 'Ouse, Croydon, on the 16th."

Surf-riderSurf-rider."I'm almost sure this isn't a bit the way it's done in those illustrated papers!"

Surf-rider."I'm almost sure this isn't a bit the way it's done in those illustrated papers!"

Early TripperEarly Tripper."Makes yer feel like ole Napoleon at what's-its-name!"

Early Tripper."Makes yer feel like ole Napoleon at what's-its-name!"

APT NOMENCLATURE IN OUR GARDEN SUBURBAPT NOMENCLATURE IN OUR GARDEN SUBURB.

The CaptainThe Captain."The bloomin' vice-president's forgot the stumps. Young Bill 'ere better be the wicket—'e wants to play and 'e's too little to bat agin swift bowlin'!"

The Captain."The bloomin' vice-president's forgot the stumps. Young Bill 'ere better be the wicket—'e wants to play and 'e's too little to bat agin swift bowlin'!"

NativeNative(having seen his rival tipped by guileless visitor). "'E's swindled yer, sir. I'm the oldest inhabitant—ninety-four come Sunday three weeks. 'e's only a youngster of eighty-two."

Native(having seen his rival tipped by guileless visitor). "'E's swindled yer, sir. I'm the oldest inhabitant—ninety-four come Sunday three weeks. 'e's only a youngster of eighty-two."

Even in his playEven in his play the scientist's child is scientific.

Even in his play the scientist's child is scientific.

THE POLITICAL JUNGLETHE POLITICAL JUNGLE.

How an energetic visitor contrived to sample nearly all the attractions of Worplethorpe-on-Sea (as advertised by the municipality) in the course of a one-day's trip.

9 to 10.309 to 10.30A.M.—Bathing and fishing.10.30 to 12 (noon)10.30A.M.to 12 (noon).—Shooting and cycling.12 to 1.3012 to 1.30P.M.—Tennis and botany.3 to 4.303 to 4.30P.M.—Croquet and archæology.4.30 to 64.30 to 6P.M.—Golf and geology.6 to 7.306 to 7.30P.M.—Sketching and donkey-riding.

9 to 10.309 to 10.30A.M.—Bathing and fishing.

10.30 to 12 (noon)10.30A.M.to 12 (noon).—Shooting and cycling.

12 to 1.3012 to 1.30P.M.—Tennis and botany.

3 to 4.303 to 4.30P.M.—Croquet and archæology.

4.30 to 64.30 to 6P.M.—Golf and geology.

6 to 7.306 to 7.30P.M.—Sketching and donkey-riding.

RACE-COURSE OF THE NEAR FUTURERACE-COURSE OF THE NEAR FUTURE, SUFFRAGETTE-PROOF.

Smith, who always wears the native costumeSmith, who always wears the native costume when fishing in the highlands (his great-grand-aunt's step-father having been a McGregor) finds the midges somewhat troublesome. A little ingenuity however overcomes the difficulty.

Smith, who always wears the native costume when fishing in the highlands (his great-grand-aunt's step-father having been a McGregor) finds the midges somewhat troublesome. A little ingenuity however overcomes the difficulty.

It is a reluctant starterIt is a reluctant starter.When it does startWhen itdoesstart, it starts.It laughs at locksIt laughs at locks.It ends as a hydro-aeroplaneIt ends as a hydro-aeroplane

It is a reluctant starterIt is a reluctant starter.

When it does startWhen itdoesstart, it starts.

It laughs at locksIt laughs at locks.

It ends as a hydro-aeroplaneIt ends as a hydro-aeroplane

THE EMANCIPATION OF THE EASTTHE EMANCIPATION OF THE EAST.The Grand Vizier, a master of polygamy, regrets the vogue of the cinema as an educative force.

The Grand Vizier, a master of polygamy, regrets the vogue of the cinema as an educative force.

LUNCH SCORESLUNCH "SCORES."

Complaints are heard from holiday-makers on their return that the holiday has failed to benefit them. This is due to lack of preparatory training at home.Harden the feetHarden the feet for Beach-walking.Accustom the lungsAccustom the lungs to marine aromas.Prepare to receive the buffetings of NeptunePrepare to receive the buffetings of NeptuneToughen the interiorToughen the interior for a lodging-house diet.

Complaints are heard from holiday-makers on their return that the holiday has failed to benefit them. This is due to lack of preparatory training at home.

Harden the feetHarden the feet for Beach-walking.

Accustom the lungsAccustom the lungs to marine aromas.

Prepare to receive the buffetings of NeptunePrepare to receive the buffetings of Neptune

Toughen the interiorToughen the interior for a lodging-house diet.

[Having had the good fortune to pick up for a mere song (or, to be more accurate, for a few notes) several thousand miles of discarded cinema films from a bankrupt company,Mr. Punchis gumming the best bits together and presenting them during the holiday season on the piers of many of our fashionable watering-places, such as Bayswater, Hackney Marshes and Ponder's End. The films comprise the well-known "Baresark Basil, the Pride of the Ranch" (two miles long), "The Foiler Foiled" (one mile, three furlongs, two rods, poles or perches), "The Blood-stained Vest" (fragment—eighteen inches), "A Maniac's Revenge" (5,000 feet), "The Life of the Common Mosquito" (six legs), and so forth. An accomplished writer has been chosen to weave a connected story round the selected parts of the films, and his scenario ofMr. Punch'sgreat picture play, when finally gummed together, is given below. The illustrations depict a few representative incidents in the story—taken from the sketch-book of an artist who was present when the films were first being prepared.]

Twenty-five years before our film opens, Andrew Bellingham, a young man just about to enter his father's business, was spending a holiday in a little fishing village in Cornwall. The daughter of the sheep-farmer with whom he lodged was a girl of singular beauty, and Andrew's youthful blood was quickly stirred to admiration. Carried away by his passion for her, he—

[Manager of Punch Film Company.Just a reminder thatMr. Redfordhas to pass this before it can be produced.]

—he married her—

[Manager.Oh, I beg pardon.]

—and for some weeks they lived happily together. One day he informed Jessie that he would have to go back to his work in London, and that it might be a year or more before he could acknowledge her openly as his wife to his rich and proud parents. Jessie was prostrated with grief; and late that afternoon her hat and fringe-net were discovered by the edge of the waters. Realising at once that she must have drowned herself in her distress, Andrew took an affecting farewell of her father and the sheep, and returned to London. A year later he married a distant cousin, and soon rose to a condition of prosperity. At the time our film begins to unwind, he was respected by everybody in the City, a widower, and the father of a beautiful girl of eighteen, called Hyacinth.

[Manager.Now we're off. What do we start with?]

On the sunny side of Fenchurch Street—

[Manager.Ah, then I suppose we'd better keep back the Rescue from the Alligator and the Plunge down Niagara in a Barrel.]

—Andrew Bellingham was dozing in his office. Suddenly he awoke to find a strange man standing over him.

"Who are you?" asked Mr. Bellingham. "What do you want?"

"My name is Jasper," was the answer, "and I have some information to give you." He bent down and hissed, "Your first wife is still alive!"

Andrew started up in obvious horror. "My daughter," he gasped, "my little Hyacinth! She must never know."

"Listen. Your wife is in Spain—

[Manager.Don't waste her. Make it somewhere where there are sharks.

Author.It's all right, she's dead really.]

—and she will not trouble you. Give me a thousand pounds, and you shall have these;" and he held out a packet containing the marriage certificate, a photograph of Jessie's father dipping a sheep, a receipted bill for a pair of white gloves, size 9½, two letters signed "Your own loving little Andy Pandy," and a peppermint with "Jess" on it in pink. "Once these are locked up in your safe, no one need never know that you were married in Cornwall twenty-five years ago."

Without a moment's hesitation Mr. Bellingham took a handful of bank-notes from his pocket-book, and the exchange was made. At all costs he must preserve his little Hyacinth from shame. Now she need never know. With a forced smile he bowed Jasper out, placed the packet in his safe and returned to his desk.

The TheftThe Theft.

But his mysterious visitor was not done with yet. As soon as the door had closed behind him Jasper re-entered softly, drugged Andrew hastily, and took possession again of the compromising documents. By the time Mr. Bellingham had regained his senses the thief was away. A hue-and-cry was raised, police whistles were blown, and Richard Harrington, Mr. Bellingham's private secretary, was smartly arrested.

At the trial things looked black againstRichard. He was poor and he was in love with Hyacinth; the chain of evidence was complete. In spite of his impassioned protest from the dock, in spite of Hyacinth's dramatic swoon in front of the solicitors' table, the judge with great solemnity passed sentence of twenty years' penal servitude. A loud "Hear, hear" from the gallery rang through the court, and, looking up, Mr. Bellingham caught the sardonic eye of the mysterious Jasper.

II.

Richard had been in prison a month before the opportunity for his escape occurred. For a month he had been hewing stone in Portland, black despair at his heart. Then, like lightning, he saw his chance and took it. The warders were off guard for a moment. Hastily lifting his pickaxe——

[Manager.Sorry, but it's a spade in the only prison film we've got.]

The EscapeThe Escape.

Hastily borrowing a spade from a comrade who was digging potatoes, he struck several of his gaolers down, and, dodging the shots of others who hurried to the scene, he climbed the prison wall and dashed for freedom.

The AbductionThe Abduction.

Reaching Weymouth at nightfall, he made his way to the house which Hyacinth had taken in order to be near him, and, suitably disguised, travelled up to London with her in the powerful motor which she had kept ready. "At last, my love, we are together," he murmured as they neared Wimbledon. But he had spoken a moment too soon. An aeroplane swooped down upon them, and Hyacinth was snatched from his arms and disappeared with her captors into the clouds.

III.

Richard's first act on arriving in London was to go to Mr. Bellingham's house. Andrew was out, but a note lying on his study carpet, "Meet me at the Old Windmill to-night," gave him a clue. On receipt of this note Andrew had gone to therendezvous, and it was no surprise to him when Jasper stepped out and offered to sell him a packet containing a marriage certificate, a photograph of an old gentleman dipping a sheep, a peppermint lozenge with "Jess" on it, and various other documents for a thousand pounds.

The Duel at the MillThe Duel at the Mill.

"You villain," cried Andrew, "even at the trial I suspected you," and he rushed at him fiercely.

A desperate struggle ensued. Breaking free for a moment from the vice-like grip of the other, Jasper leapt with the spring of a panther at one of the sails of the windmill as it came round, and was whirled upwards; with the spring of another panther, Andrew leapt on to the next sail and was whirled after him. At that moment the wind dropped, and the combatants were suspended in mid-air.

It was upon this terrible scene that Richard arrived. Already a crowd was collecting; and, though at present it did not seem greatly alarmed, feeling convinced that it was only assisting at another cinematograph rehearsal, its suspicions might at any moment be aroused. With a shout, he dashed into the mill. Seeing him coming Jasper dropped his revolver and slid down the sail into the window. In a moment he reappeared at the door of the mill with Hyacinth under his arm. "Stop him!" cried Richard from underneath a sack of flour. It was no good. Jasper had leapt with his fair burden upon the back of his mustang and was gone....

The usual pursuit followed.

IV.

It was the gala night at the Royal Circus. Ricardo Harringtoni, the wonderful new acrobat of whom everybody was talking, stood high above the crowd on his platform. His marvellous performance on the swinging horizontal bar was about to begin. Richard Harrington (for it was he) was troubled. Since he had entered on his new profession—as a disguise from the police who were still searching for him—he had had a vague suspicion that the lion-tamer was dogging him.Who was the lion-tamer?Could it be Jasper?

An Awkward Moment for RichardAn Awkward Moment for Richard.

At that moment the band struck up and Richard leapt lightly on to the swinging bar. With a movement full of grace he let go of the bar and swung on to the opposite platform. And then, even as he was in mid-air, he realized what was happening.

Jasper had let the lion loose!

It was waiting for him.

With a gasping cry Ricardo Harrington fainted.

When he recovered consciousness, Richard found himself on the S.S.Boracic, which was forging her way through the—-

[Manager.—Somewhere where there are sharks.]

—the Indian Ocean. Mr. Bellingham was bathing his forehead with cooling drinks.

The RescueThe Rescue.[Inset—the Cinema Shark, 3s. 6d.]

"Forgive me, my boy," said Mr. Bellingham, "forthe wrong I did you. It was Jasper who stole the compromising documents. He refuses to give them back unless I let him marry Hyacinth. What can I do?"

"Where is she?" asked Richard.

"Hidden away no one knows where. Find her, get back the documents for me, and she is yours."

At that moment a terrible cry rang through the ship; "Man overboard!" Pushing over Mr. Bellingham and running on deck, Richard saw that a woman and her baby were battling for life in the shark-infested waters. In an instant he had plunged in and rescued them. As they were dragged together up the ship's side he heard her murmur, "Is little Jasper safe?"

"Jasper?" cried Richard.

"Yes, called after his daddy."

"Where is daddy now?" asked Richard hoarsely.

"In America."

"Can't you see the likeness?" whispered Richard to Mr. Bellingham. "It must be. The villain is married to another. But now I will pursue him and get back the papers." And he left the boat at the next port and boarded one for America.

VI.

The search through North and South America for Jasper was protracted. Accompanied sometimes by a band of cowboys, sometimes by a tribe of Indians, Richard scoured the continent; for his enemy. There were hours when he would rest awhile and amuse himself by watching the antics of the common mosquito. [Manager.Good!] or he would lie at full length and gaze at a bud bursting into flower [Manager.Excellent!]. Then he would leap on to his steed and pursue the trail relentlessly once more.

One night he was dozing by his camp-fire, when he was awakened roughly by strong arms around his neck and Jasper's hot breath in his ear.

Another Awkward MomentAnother Awkward Moment.

"At last!" cried Jasper, and, knocking Richard heavily on the head with a boot, he picked up his unconscious enemy and carried him to a tributary of the Amazon noted for its alligators. Once there he tied him to a post in mid-stream and rode hastily off to the nearest town, where he spent the evening witnessing the first half ofThe Merchant of Venice. [Manager.Splendid!] But in the morning a surprise awaited him. As he was proceeding along the top of a lonely cliff he was confronted suddenly by the enemy whom he had thought to kill.

Over the PrecipiceOver the Precipice.

"Richard!" he cried, "escaped again!"

"Now, Jasper, I have you."

With a triumphant cry they rushed at each other; a terrible contest ensued; and then Jasper, with one blow of his palm, hurled his adversary over the precipice.

VII.

How many times the two made an end of each other after this the films will show. Sometimes Jasper sealed Richard in a barrel and pushed him over Niagara; sometimes Richard tied Jasper to a stake, and set light to him; sometimes they would both fall out of a balloon together. But the day of reckoning was at hand.

[Manager.We've only got the Burning House and the 1913 Derby left.Author.Right.]

[Manager.We've only got the Burning House and the 1913 Derby left.

Author.Right.]

Richard Recovers the LettersRichard Recovers the Letters.

It is the evening of the 3rd of June. A cry rends the air suddenly, whistles are blowing, there is a rattling of horses' hoofs. "Fire! Fire!" Richard, who was passing Soho Square at the time, heard the cry and dashed into the burning house. In a room full of smoke he perceived a cowering woman. Hyacinth! To pick her up was the work of a moment, but how shall he save her? Stay! The telegraph wire! His training at the Royal Circus stood him in good stead. Treading lightly on the swaying wire he carried Hyacinth across to the house opposite.

"At last, my love," he breathed.

"But the papers," she cried. "You must get them, or father will not let you marry me."

Once more he treads the rocking wire; once more he re-crosses, with the papers on his back. Then the house behind him crumbles to the ground, with the wicked Jasper in its ruins.

VIII.

"Excellent," said Mr. Bellingham at dinner that evening. "Not only are the papers here, but a full confession by Jasper. My first wife was drowned all the time; he stole the documents from her father. Richard, my boy, when the Home Secretary knows everything he will give you a free pardon. And then you can marry my daughter."

At these words Hyacinth and Richard were locked in a close embrace. On the next day they all went to the Derby together.

A. A. M.

A MASTERPIECE IN THE MAKINGA MASTERPIECE IN THE MAKING.Lord Lansdowne(Art Dealer, to Mr.Asquith). "YES, I QUITE SEE YOUR IDEA—A FIGURE OF PEACE; BUT, SINCE YOU INVITE SUGGESTIONS FROM ME, I SHOULD SAY THAT THE ADDITION OF A FEW RECOGNISABLE SYMBOLS, SUCH AS A PAIR OF WINGS, OR A DOVE, OR AN OLIVE-BRANCH, MIGHT HELP TO MAKE IT CORRESPOND MORE CLEARLY WITH MY PUBLIC'S NOTION OF THE GODDESS IN QUESTION."

Lord Lansdowne(Art Dealer, to Mr.Asquith). "YES, I QUITE SEE YOUR IDEA—A FIGURE OF PEACE; BUT, SINCE YOU INVITE SUGGESTIONS FROM ME, I SHOULD SAY THAT THE ADDITION OF A FEW RECOGNISABLE SYMBOLS, SUCH AS A PAIR OF WINGS, OR A DOVE, OR AN OLIVE-BRANCH, MIGHT HELP TO MAKE IT CORRESPOND MORE CLEARLY WITH MY PUBLIC'S NOTION OF THE GODDESS IN QUESTION."

(Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M.P.)

House of Commons, Monday, June 29.—Curious how the Labour Party, who the other day, joining hands with the Conservatives, nearly threw the Government out, lead the way in sartorial fashion. SinceDon't Keir Hardie, home from the storied East, presented himself in a reach-me-down suit of white drill such as is worn aboard ship in the Red Sea, nothing has created such sensation as the dropping in this afternoon of Mr.Hodge, arrayed in a summer suit. It was not, as some might have expected, the simple garment of the elder branch of his honourable family. No. It was not a smock such asFrank LockwoodpicturedBobby Spencerwearing when he made his historic declaration, "I am not an agricultural labourer."Hodge(Gorton Div., Lancs., Lab.), asThe Times'parliamentary report has it, burst upon the attention of a crowded House at Question-time got up in wondrous garment, white in the foundation of colour, but relieved from the crude hardness ofDon't Keir Hardie'ssuit by what suggested dexterous process of patting and lightly smearing with a mustard-spoon. A Trilby hat crowned and accentuated this creation.

As the vision crossed the Bar Members sat silent, gazing upon it with lips slightly parted. Similarly, upon a peak in Darien, stoutCortezstared at the Pacific.

Silence was broken by a burst of hearty cheering, in which the keen ear detected a slightly discordant note. Whilst Members were frankly disposed to applaud the boldness of what I believe purveyors of new models of female dress call the "confection," whilst they were lost in admiration of its effect, there was a feeling of disappointment that they had not thought of it themselves, and been the first to enter the field.

Thanks to the genius ofFrank Lockwooda former House was able to realise the figure presented by the present. EarlSpencer, whilst still with us in the Commons, skipping along in the purity of a Monday morning smock, carrying in his right hand a garlanded pitchfork. What the present House, jaded with a succession of Budgets and the persistence of the Ulster question, would like to see is the entrance of those twin brethren, LordCastlereaghand EarlWinterton, walking arm-in-arm, arrayed in garb approaching as nearly as possible that which, thanks to Mr.Hodge, this afternoon illuminated the Legislative Chamber.

EXTRY SPESHUL!"EXTRY SPESHUL!"

Business done.—Chancellor of Exchequerannounced third edition of Budget. "Before the end of the week," saidSark, "I expect we shall meet him running up and down the Terrace with hand to widely-opened mouth shouting "Extry Speshul!"

Tuesday.—Amerybegan to think he had escaped consequences of his little mistake. Nearly a week has sped since he called attention to indiscretion of CaptainBellingham,aide-de-campto theLord-Lieutenant, who, reviewing small body of Nationalist volunteers, enjoined them to stand fast by cause of Home Rule. From answer ofChief Secretaryit appeared that Member for South Birmingham had been forestalled by LordAberdeen, who had called upon the Captain for explanation and received suitable apology for the error.

Irish Members quick to see opening innocently made for them. Having long regarded with resentment LordLondonderry'sactive patronage of movements of Ulster volunteers, have sedulously sought opportunity of bringing it under notice of House.Ameryobligingly provided it. Unexpected delay in seizing it was due to search for particulars now presented in form of question addressed toPremier, citing with dates and places six separate occasions when theaide-de-campto theKinghad, by his presence and counsel, sanctioned reviews of Ulster volunteers, "whose avowed object," as the question put it, "is, in event of enactment of Home Rule Bill, to resist by armed force the authority of the Crown and Parliament, and to make the administration of the law impossible." What Mr.Devlin, with studied politeness, was anxious to know was "whether there is any special reason why in this matter the Marquis ofLondonderryshould be treated differently from CaptainBellingham?"

Premiernot to be drawn into the controversy. Duties ofaide-de-campto theKing, unlike those ofaide-de-camptoLord-Lieutenant, are, he said, of entirely honorary character. In such circumstances he did not think it worth while to take notice of the matter.

Lord MorleyLordMorley."Thanks, I won't trouble you; I still have a crust left."["The noble marquis seemed to regard the Government as a shipwrecked mariner—I presume a pirate. If I am a pirate he is the last man to whom I should think of applying for aid, unless the distress was dire indeed."LordMorley.]

LordMorley."Thanks, I won't trouble you; I still have a crust left."

["The noble marquis seemed to regard the Government as a shipwrecked mariner—I presume a pirate. If I am a pirate he is the last man to whom I should think of applying for aid, unless the distress was dire indeed."

LordMorley.]

Effect of the reply designedly chilling; object of question attained by publicly submitting it.Amery"wishes he hadn't spoke."

ThePremier'simperturbability stood him in even greater stead at later proceedings. On going into Committee of Supply,Hopeof Sheffield moved reduction of his salary on account of alleged failure to take necessary steps to maintain high standard of single-minded disinterestedness in public service. Though nominally concerned with thePremierand the public serviceHopetold a flattering tale which was a thinly veiled attack on that meek personage theChancellor of the Exchequer.

Archer-Shee, who followed, was less circuitous in his retrograde march on old Marconi quarters. Soon had Committee in state of uproar vainly combated by those champions of order,Winterton, Arthur MarkhamandSwift MacNeill.Winterton, whilst constitutionally forceful, was irresistibly irrelevant. Member for Pontefract venturing to offer an observation,Wintertonshouted, "Order, pigeons!"

Of course there were no pigeons about. An active mind, quick to seize a point, had harked back toDick Turpin Booth'sride to Yorkshire in a race with carrier pigeons.

MarkhamdenouncedArcher-Sheefor delivering "a low attack that could not be answered." Accusation summarised by other Members with yell of "Coward!"

As forSwift MacNeill,Archer-Sheepresuming to rise simultaneously with one of his many upgettings, he turned upon him and roared, "Sit down, Sir!" Gallant Major so terrified that he incontinently fell back in his seat.

To general discussion Members from various quarters of House contributed the observations, "Dirty lies!" "Coward!" "Caddish!" "Unspeakably low!" "Shut up!" Only for coolness, courage and prompt decision ofWhitleyin the Chair discreditable scene would have worthily taken its place among others that smirch pages of Parliamentary record. Having occupied two hours of time assumed to be valuable it died out from sheer exhaustion. On division what was avowedly vote of censure onPremiernegatived by majority of 152.

Business done.—Summer storm in Committee of Supply.

House of Lords, Thursday.—Second night of debate on Amending Bill to modify a measure not yet enacted. House crowded, evidently weighed down by a sense of direct responsibility at grave crisis.Le braveWilloughby de Brokehas no patience with attitude of noble lords on Front Opposition Bench. Is congenitally prone to take a short way with dissenters. Came to the fore five years ago, when whatHaldanecalledLloyd George'sfirst great Budget (eclipsed by his second) fell like a bomb in the Parliamentary arena. Whilst elder peers were disposed to temporise in view of constitutional difficulty,Willoughbyhad only three words to say—"Throw it out!"—Milneradding a fearless remark about the consequences whose emphasis has been excelled only by Mrs.Patrick CampbellinPygmalion. So the Budget was shattered on the rock of the House of Lords, and in swift reprisal with it went the supremacy of that ancient institution.

Less effectual in his resistance to the Parliament Act which promptly followed,De Brokeis insistent upon treating the Amending Bill as the Budget of 1909 was treated. Has moved its rejection and, in spite ofHalsbury, threatens to go to a division.

MeanwhileLansdowne, in weighty speech worthy great occasion, announces intention of voting for Second Reading of Bill, with intent to amend it in Committee. Originally planned that division should be taken to-night. So many peers have something to say that it is postponed till Monday.

Business done.—Debate on Amending (Home Rule) Bill continued.

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