Oh! he's a fair scorcher, a brick,With the long legs—and luck—of the "Tinman."But when of the mounts you've the pick,It's hard if you can't score a win, man.You stick me onLand Purchase, guv'nor, and seeIf the "pup," as you call him, ain't in the first three!
Oh! he's a fair scorcher, a brick,With the long legs—and luck—of the "Tinman."But when of the mounts you've the pick,It's hard if you can't score a win, man.You stick me onLand Purchase, guv'nor, and seeIf the "pup," as you call him, ain't in the first three!
Oh! he's a fair scorcher, a brick,
With the long legs—and luck—of the "Tinman."
But when of the mounts you've the pick,
It's hard if you can't score a win, man.
You stick me onLand Purchase, guv'nor, and see
If the "pup," as you call him, ain't in the first three!
Ah, there it is,Goschen, you know;That justifies what I was saying.I fancy this animal's slow,Not sure that his specialty's staying.I think, if we value our Stable—and tin—That we should declare withLand Purchaseto win.[Left discussing it.
Ah, there it is,Goschen, you know;That justifies what I was saying.I fancy this animal's slow,Not sure that his specialty's staying.I think, if we value our Stable—and tin—That we should declare withLand Purchaseto win.
Ah, there it is,Goschen, you know;
That justifies what I was saying.
I fancy this animal's slow,
Not sure that his specialty's staying.
I think, if we value our Stable—and tin—
That we should declare withLand Purchaseto win.
[Left discussing it.
[Left discussing it.
double rule
To imagine that there is any sport on the road down, and ditto returning.
To believe that a heavy lunch of lukewarm lobster salad and simmering champagne can be taken with impunity.
To fancy that one can get into a train bound for the Downs without losing one's temper.
To think that there is any fun in listening to the ribald songs of street nigger minstrels and Shoreditch gipsies.
To expect that, after taking part in half a dozen drag sweeps, any one of them will turn up trumps.
To presume that you will neither be choked with dust nor drenched with rain before you get home.
Lastly, to back the Winner for £10,000, payable by the Bank of England, to draw the right number at all the West-End Clubs to which you belong, becoming in consequence betrothed to the only and lovely daughter of a millionnaire Duke, and then (on waking) to find it all a dream!
'DOUBTFUL!'"DOUBTFUL!"Lord Salisbury(to Trainer). "H'M!—DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITHLAND PURCHASE!"
Lord Salisbury(to Trainer). "H'M!—DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITHLAND PURCHASE!"
A WARNING IN WAX.A WARNING IN WAX.What the Statue looked like when it left the Sculptor's hand for exhibition.Its appearance when the British Public had ascertained, by experiment, that it really was in wax.
What the Statue looked like when it left the Sculptor's hand for exhibition.
What the Statue looked like when it left the Sculptor's hand for exhibition.
Its appearance when the British Public had ascertained, by experiment, that it really was in wax.
Its appearance when the British Public had ascertained, by experiment, that it really was in wax.
"I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."—Lord Rosebery, at Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative Societies of Great Britain and Ireland, meeting at Glasgow.
Talkof Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure,That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches.Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sightOf LordRosebery'sCo-operative Breeches!For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feelThat by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant;And if anybody wants true co-operative pants,He'll be glad to read LordRosebery'sadvertisement.Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow,(Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us!Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies,They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus.Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes,And about Co-operation learns—and also teaches;And receives with genial glee from the Tweed SocietyA pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches!Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent,(Nearly nine-tenths of all its population),In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working outThe principles of true Co-operation.Yet there are no earthquakes there, and LordRoseberyin the chairAt the Congress of Co-operative Delegates,Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fearTo a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates.Members One million men, with a capital ofTen,And an annual sale of close onThirty Seven!Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clearThat the State feels the co-operative leaven.And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium,Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate,Yet itisa mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvementMay rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate.Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical EarlWemyssMay well excite this sager Earl's derision.Forty Millions total profit! No, we arenotnearing Tophet,Any more than we are touching realms Elysian.Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treatEach other like the cats of old Kilkenny,From each other they might learn, live together and all turn,With sagacity and skill, an honest penny.There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will pushAs LordRoseberyforeshadows to high places;And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might runOur Empire on co-operative bases!They who want to understand what is stirring in the land,Should perusePrimrose'spithiest of speeches,MeanwhilePunchdrinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth,"And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches!
Talkof Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure,That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches.Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sightOf LordRosebery'sCo-operative Breeches!For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feelThat by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant;And if anybody wants true co-operative pants,He'll be glad to read LordRosebery'sadvertisement.Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow,(Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us!Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies,They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus.Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes,And about Co-operation learns—and also teaches;And receives with genial glee from the Tweed SocietyA pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches!Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent,(Nearly nine-tenths of all its population),In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working outThe principles of true Co-operation.Yet there are no earthquakes there, and LordRoseberyin the chairAt the Congress of Co-operative Delegates,Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fearTo a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates.Members One million men, with a capital ofTen,And an annual sale of close onThirty Seven!Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clearThat the State feels the co-operative leaven.And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium,Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate,Yet itisa mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvementMay rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate.Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical EarlWemyssMay well excite this sager Earl's derision.Forty Millions total profit! No, we arenotnearing Tophet,Any more than we are touching realms Elysian.Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treatEach other like the cats of old Kilkenny,From each other they might learn, live together and all turn,With sagacity and skill, an honest penny.There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will pushAs LordRoseberyforeshadows to high places;And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might runOur Empire on co-operative bases!They who want to understand what is stirring in the land,Should perusePrimrose'spithiest of speeches,MeanwhilePunchdrinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth,"And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches!
Talkof Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure,
That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches.
Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight
Of LordRosebery'sCo-operative Breeches!
For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel
That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant;
And if anybody wants true co-operative pants,
He'll be glad to read LordRosebery'sadvertisement.
Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow,
(Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us!
Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies,
They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus.
Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes,
And about Co-operation learns—and also teaches;
And receives with genial glee from the Tweed Society
A pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches!
Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent,
(Nearly nine-tenths of all its population),
In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working out
The principles of true Co-operation.
Yet there are no earthquakes there, and LordRoseberyin the chair
At the Congress of Co-operative Delegates,
Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fear
To a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates.
Members One million men, with a capital ofTen,
And an annual sale of close onThirty Seven!
Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clear
That the State feels the co-operative leaven.
And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium,
Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate,
Yet itisa mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvement
May rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate.
Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical EarlWemyss
May well excite this sager Earl's derision.
Forty Millions total profit! No, we arenotnearing Tophet,
Any more than we are touching realms Elysian.
Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treat
Each other like the cats of old Kilkenny,
From each other they might learn, live together and all turn,
With sagacity and skill, an honest penny.
There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will push
As LordRoseberyforeshadows to high places;
And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might run
Our Empire on co-operative bases!
They who want to understand what is stirring in the land,
Should perusePrimrose'spithiest of speeches,
MeanwhilePunchdrinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth,"
And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches!
Monday.—Preparing for the Derby. Mr.Stanleygoes out of his way to meet LordSalisbury. LordSalisburygoes out of Mr. H. M. S's. way.
Tuesday.—More preparations for Derby.
Wednesday.—The Derby.Mr. Punchout for the day. Party at Foreign Office to meet Mr.Stanleyunavoidably postponed.
Thursday.—Trying to recover from Derby Day.
Friday.—Private Eclipse of the Sun. For tickets to view, inquire at Timekeeper's Office, Charing Cross. Only a limited number will be issued.
Saturday.—LordSalisbury'sfirst dance to meet Mr.Stanley.
Socialfestivities which were much disturbed by the Whitsuntide holidays, have now been resumed in all their splendour. The Mile End Athenæum yesterday held their annual reception in the palatial institution designed for the accommodation of the intellectualéliteof the district. The rooms were crowded from an early hour. Proceedings began with an address on "The Æsthetic Position of Mile End," delivered by the President. This was followed by some graceful step-dancing, executed by two stars from the neighbouring Hall of Variety. Later on the guests, having, as is usual, exchanged over-coats, and tossed with the Club halfpenny for umbrellas, separated to their homes.
LadyClementina Cropperhas issued cards for a musical evening at which all the most eminent performers are expected. The Whistling Quintette and the Whispering Choir have been engaged. Her Ladyship's parties are famous for the animation and brilliancy of their conversation.
It is understood that the Stewards of the Jockey Club at their last meeting resolved to suppress the use of all strong language on Derby Day. Any owner discovered in the act of saying "blow" will be confined to barracks for a fortnight. Anything more violent will involve perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges of a British Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes will be converted into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats the offence, he will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council Election. These salutary regulations will be strictly enforced.
The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying visitors to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their arrival. Much interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, which are to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. The point is to discover whether an excursion train loaded with passengers at the rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can be shunted into a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant velocity of fifty miles an hour, drinks included. The pace of the excursion train may be neglected in the solution of the problem.
"I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself "Puzzled," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg for the purpose of scratching his left ear, andvice versâhis right leg for his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?"
No. 180. Littler and Littler.
No. 36. W. Qrious Jaundiceson, R.A.
No. 102. Marvellous Acrobatic Feat.
No. 140. "Mr. Stanley, I presume?"
No. 109. The Dairy Maid and the Butteries.
Toldthat I can "assist the progress of Military Science" if I go up in a "War Balloon" at Chelsea. Don't know anything about ballooning, but do want to assist Military Science.
Arrive at Chelsea Exhibition Grounds. See the Balloon being inflated. Disappointed, as a "War Balloon" seems to be exactly the same as a Peace Balloon. Expected it to be armour-plated, or fitted with aërial torpedoes, or something of that sort. Ask Professional Aëronaut if I mayn't take a bomb up with me, and drop it, as practice for war time? Aëronaut scowls fiercely. Asks, "If I want to blow the Balloon to smithereens?" Also asks, "If I have any bombs about me now?" Looks as if he would like to search me! Drop the subject—not the bomb. Still, Ishouldlike to know how I can "assist Military Science." Take my place in car nervously.
Somebody shouts, "Let go!" What an extraordinary sensation! Feel as if I had suddenly left digestive portion of my anatomy a mile below me. Have felt same sort of thing in crossing Channel. Look over edge of car. Appalling! Wish I hadn't been such a fool as to come. Ask Professional Aëronaut, "What would happen if a rope broke now?" He replies, sulkily, "your neck would break too." Not comforting. Question is—How long will this last without my being sea-sick?
Also, How am I "assisting progress of Military Science?" Balloon calmer, andnotwobbling, thank Heaven! Begin to enjoy the view. How beastly cold it is up here, though! Passing over St. Paul's—suggest to fellow passenger that with a bomb, or better still a pistol, one could "pot" the Dome. Passenger (funny man) says, "Why not try a parashoot?" I laugh heartily, and nearly fall over side. Aëronaut, roughly, "wishes to goodness I'd keep still."Iwish to goodness he'd make the Balloon keep still—don't say this, however.
Somewhere over Essex. See distant sea. Aëronaut says, "There's no end of a wind springing up." Heavens! Believe we are drifting out to sea! But I didn't want to "assist progress ofNavalScience"—only "Military." Tell Aëronaut this. He says, he's "just going down." Talks as if he were "going down" to breakfast—after "getting up," as we have done! Rather a good joke for mid-air. But is it mid-air? We are descending rapidly. Digestion this time left up in clouds. Tearing along over fields. Balloon pitching and tossing violently. Grapnel thrown out. Catches a cow. Cow runs with us. Idiot! Why can't it stand steady?
Awful crash! Bump, bang, whack! Balloon explodes with fearful report. Yet no reporters present! Remember nothing more. Wake up, and find myself in Hospital of an Essex town. Query—Have I, or have I not, "assisted the progress of Military Science?"
The Marsh King's Daughter.One ofWarne & Co.'spublications for children's amusement, but the illustrations byJessie Currieare too highly curried, or rather coloured, and the effect is hard and theatrical. By the way, MissCurrie'sgenius is a trifle wilful; for example, take this situation, which she has chosen to illustrate,—"She ... pointed to a horse. He mounted upon it, and she sprang before him, and held tightly by the mane." Now, asks the Baron, taking for granted the "sprang" is for "sprang up," how would ordinary talent depict this scene? Why, certainly, by showing the girl mounted on the horse, holding on by the mane in front of the man, and the man up behind. Not so MissCurrie. She puts the good man—apparently an Amateur Monk—astride the horse, and she riding behind, holding lightly as it appears, with one hand the broad red crupper, and, with the other, probably, some portion of the Amateur Monk's dressing-gown. But genius must not be fettered.
Æsop Redivivusis delightful, if only for the reappearance of the quaint old woodcuts—some of which, however, the Baron is of opinion, never belonged to the original edition—yet, with a polite bow toMary Boyle, he would venture to observe that, in his opinion, the revivification is an excellent idea rather thrown away. Whether it would have been better for more or less Boyleing, he is not absolutely certain, but perhaps the notion required a somewhat different treatment. The best of the fables isThe Sly Stag, which, according to the woodcut, ought to have been a goat. But there may be some subtle humour in the frequent incongruity between a fable and its pictorial illustration.
The Baron de Book-worms.
double rule
Grandolph Victorious.—Rather fresh Easterly-windy weather for racing, last week; glad, therefore, to hear thatGrandolph"had a lot on." HisAbbesse de Jouarrewas not to be stopped by anyFather Confessor, and came in first. What will he name his next probable starter?John Wesley?
Recentletters toThe Timesrepresent Tangiers to English tourists as the most Tangierble point for a holiday trip.
A MINE OF INFORMATION.A MINE OF INFORMATION."What's a Centaur, Papa?""A Centaur, my child, is a Fabulous Creature, nowextinct!"
"What's a Centaur, Papa?"
"A Centaur, my child, is a Fabulous Creature, nowextinct!"
Dear Sir,—You have on many occasions honoured me by inserting my contributions, and consequently it is to you I turn in the present difficulty. A few days since an appeal was made in the columns of one of your contemporaries which it is hard to resist.
À proposof the Talleyrand Autobiography a gentleman, who had given some extracts therefrom, wrote—"What I have quoted shows the charm and interest of the work, but does not discount its publication; and this, I hope, will be enough to enforce on the custodians of the Memoirs the obligation of reflection before continuing to suppress and to frustrate the legitimate curiosity of the public." I have reflected, and, without making any admission, I submit that possibly the following passages may attain the end which the gentleman in question seemingly suggests.
WhenTalleyrand, in 1801, was at Amiens, assistingJoseph Bonapartein conducting negotiations with LordCornwallisfor the final ratification of peace, he had an interview with the representative of England. I give a translation from a paper in my possession:—
"It was already the everlasting opposition of maritime and manufacturing towns that prevented this consummation. When Milor (Cornwallis?) observed, with insular bluntness (bonhomie), 'The outcome will be a new throne (encore une chaise bien décoré) for J. B.' I replied, 'This will certainly not be to the advantage of Son AltesseJoseph(pas pour Josê).'"
"It was already the everlasting opposition of maritime and manufacturing towns that prevented this consummation. When Milor (Cornwallis?) observed, with insular bluntness (bonhomie), 'The outcome will be a new throne (encore une chaise bien décoré) for J. B.' I replied, 'This will certainly not be to the advantage of Son AltesseJoseph(pas pour Josê).'"
Does not this read as if written yesterday? Five years laterTalleyrandentered into a direct communication with Fox by letter, and this led to a personal interview with LordYarmouth. I make a second quotation:—
"I told Mister-for-laughter (esquire pour rire) that there would be no difficulty in restoring to England Hanover, which was then in possession of Prussia. The Englishman (l'Anglais), who had been imbibing some generous wine (vin ordinaire à dix sous), stammered out that he considered the suggestion piscatorial. 'Milor,' I retorted, with a polite bow, 'to aYarmouthaccustomed to bloaters all things must appear fishy!'"
"I told Mister-for-laughter (esquire pour rire) that there would be no difficulty in restoring to England Hanover, which was then in possession of Prussia. The Englishman (l'Anglais), who had been imbibing some generous wine (vin ordinaire à dix sous), stammered out that he considered the suggestion piscatorial. 'Milor,' I retorted, with a polite bow, 'to aYarmouthaccustomed to bloaters all things must appear fishy!'"
ConsideringTalleyrand'sflexible mind, and the ease with which he resigned himself to blunders when they did not seem to him dangerous, this judgment, expressed with surprising emphasis, is the most striking condemnation which can be passed on the tone adopted by the British negotiator. With rare skillTalleyrandavoids the dryness usual to memoirs of a personal character. As an instance of this, I give a description of the desertion by the wily diplomatist ofNapoleonin 1814, when the Emperor had consented to retire to Elba. That this passage may have additional force, I give it in the original, possibly very original, French:—
"Je n'aime pas lui. Je pensais de cet homme qu'il était un espèce de polichinelle (a quaint sort of puppet), qu'il n'était pas la valeur de son sel (not the value of his salt), et voilà la raison pourquoi je lui vende (why I offered him for sale). Il n'a pu supporter la bienfaisance avec satisfaction, ni les choses bien désagréables avec complaisance."
"Je n'aime pas lui. Je pensais de cet homme qu'il était un espèce de polichinelle (a quaint sort of puppet), qu'il n'était pas la valeur de son sel (not the value of his salt), et voilà la raison pourquoi je lui vende (why I offered him for sale). Il n'a pu supporter la bienfaisance avec satisfaction, ni les choses bien désagréables avec complaisance."
"He could not bear the things that were disagreeable with complacency." Volumes might be written on that phrase, which at this moment, if we look around us, suggests numerous parallel instances. I have heard a man growl when a plate of soup has been poured by a careless waiter on his dress waistcoat, I have noticed a lady frown when I have myself accidentally torn her train from its body, by treading upon it at an evening party.TalleyrandknewNapoleon—"He could not bear the things that were disagreeable with complacency!" And yetBonaparteis sometimes called "Le Grand!" (The Great!)
Here I pause, as I feel that I may have already gone too far. It is not for me to say how the document from which I have quoted, came into my possession. But before I satisfy the legitimate curiosity of the public further, I consider it my professional duty to consult the Bar Committee, the Council of the Incorporated Law Society, the President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High Court of Justice, and theLord Chancellor, many of whom are unfortunately still absent, enjoying the Whitsuntide Vacation. I have the honour to be, dear Sir,
Your most obedient Servant,
(Signed)A. Briefless, Junior.
Pump-handle Court, June 2nd, 1890.
Dear Mr. Punch,
How a few hundred pounds may be easily and honestly earned is a problem which daily exercises the imaginations of thousands. I was fortunate enough to hit upon a plan which I now feel it to be my duty to make as widely known as possible for the benefit of those whose need is greater than mine; for, curiously enough, not only did my work bring me in that direct emolument, upon which I not unwarrantably reckoned, but an elderly lady of unstable views was so taken with the chaotic benevolence of my book, that she bequeathed to me a very handsome legacy indeed, and almost immediately enabled me to realise it. Thus does the absolutely unexpected serve as the handmaid of the perfectly unintended, and enterprise retires from the lodgings of struggle to the villa of repose. My plan briefly was to write a quasi-religious Novel with a Purpose. I knew nothing about religion, and had no literary experience, but the purpose I had, and that purpose was, to make enough money to spend six weeks at Herne Bay, a locality to which I am passionately addicted.
A brief sketch of my proceedings will be the best explanation and guide to others. I first bought a sixpenny scrap-album, a pot of paste, and a pair of strong scissors; and a shillingsworth of penny novelettes of various kinds and dates, and a shillingsworth of cheap manuscript-paper completed my outlay. I then took the goods home and got to work. Glancing through the pile of novelettes, I soon found an opening that struck me as most suitable, cut it out, and pasted it in the scrap-book. Now came the chief literary exercise of my task. I had to go carefully through the passage, changing the names of the places and people, and making a few necessary substitutions,e.g., "The cuckoo was calling, and the dove cooing from the neighbouring woodland," would stand in my version "The cuckoo was cuckooing, and the dove calling from the adjacent thicket," while a sky described as "azure" in the original, would figure as "lapis lazuli," or, even blue.
The introduction safely engineered, I took another novelette from the pile, and holding it firmly in the left hand, I grasped the scissors with the thumb and forefinger of the right, cut three or four extracts at random, of rather more than half a column in length, and pasted these in the album, leaving about space enough for a couple of pages of three-volume novel, between each section.
Thus I dealt with my twelve novelettes, and then went through them again, and even again. Then the hard work began. I had to draw up a list of names of my own, and then to go carefully through the extracts, assigning the speeches to the best of my ability to the most suitable of my own characters. This, however, was infinitely less trouble than inventing dialogue, a process for which I always entertained an insuperable aversion. I was also confronted at times by adventures in my extracts which were quite unsuited for the novel with a purpose, which, according to the justest canons, should never get beyond a sprained ankle; and even that has to be handled with the greatest discretion—generally by the wavering curate. So I had in several places to tone down precipices, stay the inflowing tide with more success than KingCanute, and stop runaway horses before they had excited alarm in their fair riders, or brought the discarded lover out into the road, saying in a tone of quiet command, "Stop! This cannot be allowed to go any farther."
Next, through the kindness of a friend, who was a householder, I procured a reading ticket for the British Museum Library, and from the writings ofHerbert Spencer,Huxley,Emerson,Matthew Arnold,Ruskin, Dr.Momerie, and Mr.Walter Pater, and largely from the more pretentious Reviews and Magazines, I made copious and tolerably bewildering extracts, which I apportioned among the vacant spaces in my story, with more regard to the length than to the circumstances. I next went carefully over the whole, writing in a line here and there to make things smooth and pleasant, and artfully acknowledging the quotations in an incidental manner. The result was a surprisingly interesting and suggestive work, and when I had copied it all out in a fair, clerkly hand, I found no difficulty in disposing of it, to good advantage, to a publisher of repute. The book caught on immensely. I became for one dazzling season a second-rate lion of the first magnitude. I was pointed out by literary celebrities whom nobody knew, to social recruits who knew nobody. I figured prominently in the Saloons of the Mutual-exploitation Societies, and when my name appeared in the minor Society papers among those present at Mrs.Ophir Crowdy'sreception, I felt what it was to be famous—and to remain unspoiled.
A word of advice to those who will act upon my suggestions. Pitch your story in the calm domestic key, upon which the depths and obscurities of essayists, philosophers and divines, will come with pleasing incongruity. Thus:—
"An English Summer day; oldPontohas been lying in the shade of the great elm at the Rectory Gate, too lazy to make even a vigorous snap at the flies, who are circling with mazy persistency round his great, good-humoured head. At the sound of wheels coming along the road, he pricks up his ears, and moves aside just in time to avoid being run over by the chaise from the Hall." Then the rattle of teacups, and the merry voices of tennis-players are interrupted by the barking ofPonto, and the incident of the tramp, lectured by the Rector, and relieved byLionel, the philanthropic Atheist.
"'I love the Human, I resent the Divine!' saidLionel, carefully shutting his purse.
"'Why, really,' began the Rector, 'I don't know what I have done to incur your resentment.'
"'Pardon me, Sir,' saidLionel, grimly. 'I am speaking of the Divine with a bigD.'
"'We never use a big, bigD,' laughedNettie, gaily shaking her curls.
"'Hush!' saidMabel, raising a warning finger at her little rattle-brain."
After this sally you may give two or three pages of discussion, letting the Rector have a good show with some of the Fathers, whileNettieandLionelreconstruct things, human and divine, in the gloaming. You may carry your party to town in the season, and tantalise your frivolous readers by taking them just up to the Duchess's door. "HereLioneland Mr.Crumpetterleft the ladies, as they had some important business in hand, promising to return for them at six o'clock. They had to go to an architect's office in Great George Street, to inspect the plans of the new Laundry, whichLionelhad persuaded the Earl to erect on the waste ground where he had had his memorable conversation with the tinker."
This plan might advantageously be applied to the fashionable, the military, the sporting, and the adventurous novel. Indeed, most writers seem to think that it has been. Meanwhile, nobody need starve while they can turn their scissors to intelligent use. Yours obediently,
The Retired Clipper.
SKETCH AT A CONCERT.Variations on the Original Hair.
Variations on the Original Hair.
"Applause in court, which was instantly suppressed;"i.e., Some foolish people made a noise at the wrong moment, and applauded the wrong person.
"The case excited the greatest interest, and from an early hour in the morning the approaches to the court were thronged by a vast press of individuals, representing a large proportion of the rank, fashion, and intellect of the Metropolis;"i.e., A crowd of loafers and London busy-bodies came to hear an offensive trial.
"Well, I just put a song or two in my pocket, on the off-chance, you know;"i.e., "I've half-a-dozen, but he's so jealous he'll take precious good care I shan't sing 'em all."
"No, my dear old chap, youmustplay the Baron. You see, anybody, why I myself, can rattle through the Count. Plays itself, don'tcherknow. But the Baron,thatwants an Actor. No, no, you must play the Baron;"i.e., "Heplay the Count, at his age, and with his figure, and cut me out of my favourite part! Put a spoke inthatwheel."
"Witha song! Oh, butismy voice good enough to go with Miss Seetop's?"i.e., "Scraggy screamer; she'd spoilSims Reevesat his best."
"What I'm anxious about is the love-scene. You see I'm hardly up to the Romeo rôle;"i.e., "Withsuch a Juliet!"
finger pointing
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page 267: 'pudent' (sic) retained ... possibly adjective from noun: pudency, n. Modesty. (f. LL pudentia) (Oxford Dictionary)
or,
from Latin Dictionary: Pudens, pudentis, modest; bashful. Pudenter, modestly, bashfully.
"To pose asScipio, that pudent Roman,"
page. 270: 'millionnaire', the French spelling of 'millionaire', has been retained.
Obvious punctuation errors have been repaired.
The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections.Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text willappear.
page 265: 'Fiançé', 'Fiançée' corected to 'Fiancé', Fiancée'.
page 268: 'Brition' corrected to "Briton". "But the Briton hugs his tankard,"
page 268: 'responbilities' corrected to 'responsibilities' "when the Companies began really to understand their responsibilities"