CONDENSED CONGRESS.

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DRAKE quacked according to his custom--this time about the propriety of hanging people in the Southern States. There were several people in Missouri whom he particularly desired to see extinguished. He referred to the fiends in human shape, whose hands were dripping with loyal gore, and whom the unrepentant rebels of his State actually desired to send to the Senate, in the place of himself. He lacked words to express his sense of so gross an outrage. He thought that he could be comparatively happy if forty thousand men were hanged or otherwise "disabled" from voting against him. That would make his reÃ«lection a pretty sure thing.

Mr. FERRY said he really thought this thing had gone far enough. People were coming to understand that the general run, he did not refer to Bull Run, of the Northern army was just about as good, and no better, than the general run, he did not refer to Gettysburgh, of the Southern army. As for DRAKE, he was acanard, and his statement was another. He did not approve of the bloody Drakonian code.

Mr. MORTON said FERRY was very easily crossed. As for him he considered that FERRY was a Copperhead.

Mr. REVELS was in favor of removing disabilities as soon as it could be done with safety. They all knew what he meant by safety. As soon as not only his calling, which was formerly clerical, although now legislative, and election were made sure, he was ready to let everybody vote. While his election was doubtful, he was in favor of keeping out votes enough to insure it. He believed that to be the view of every Senator. (Hear. Hear.)

Mr. SAWYER thought his opinion as good as REVELS'S, if he was white. He considered that he was safe in South Carolina, and he disapproved of the glut of Republican Southern Senators. Upon these grounds he went for the removal of the disabilities.

Mr. DAWES did a neat thing. He represented that the Naval Appropriation bill contained a number of most nutritious jobs (as indeed it turned out that it did.) Upon this hint SCHENCK agreed to let the tariff "pass" for the present, though he reserved the right to order it up at any time. Thereupon the astute DAWES moved to postpone it indefinitely, to the huge disgust of Mr. SCHENCK, who said he ought to be ashamed of himself. Here was the oyster pining for protection, the peanut absolutely shrivelling on its stalk under the neglect of Congress, and the American hook-and-eye weeping for being overrun by the imported article. He hoped the pig-iron, whose claims they had refused to consider, might lie heavy on their souls.

KELLEY was too full of pig-iron for utterance.

If, in the "opening" of my learnÃ©d friend(Whose record I intendMost handsomely and warmly to defend,)You fancy that you now and then perceiveA word or phrase one hardly can conceiveWas uttered "by your leave;"If--going further in my supposition--You fancy his conditionIn some respects was not above suspicion;If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes--As there may be in crimes,)You think it strange, what men will do for dimes;Why, it is plainly dueTo you,And noble SPENCER, too,That I should straightway boil with legal rageAt such injustice, and at once engageTo right the matter, on this virtuous page.I fear, my captious friend,(To speak the truth,) you do not comprehendThe Majesty of Law!Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection!It is not merely Jaw!Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,)If for this thing you have no greater awe,You need correction!Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir,The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur?True, we are sometimes forced to treat a JudgeAs though he were a plain American.But, fudge!Henever minds; he's not a gentleman!True, it is now and then our legal lotTo teach a stupid witness what is what,Or show that he (or she)Is rather worse than he (or she) should be;We find it necessary,Very,To blacken what we have no doubt is white,And whiten what is very black indeed.Agreed!But ask the Client whathethinks is right!He may not care to see us fairlyfight,(Itis nota pleasant sight,)Or hear us curse till all is black as night,For the whole Jury might perchance take fright;Butheknows whether he is ably served!Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright)Is always either angular or curved.Now, pray, no boshAbout thehabit of defending crimeDulling the sensibilities in time!The theory won't wash!Once place my colleague on the other side,You'd say, This lawyer should be deified!Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal!Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal!You would perceive(At least, you would be ready to believe,)That, noting all the most abhorred deedsKnown to our records, this affair must needsBe judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain.And then, again----But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I seeYou're one of those odd folks who don't agreeWithanybody.Youare not to passOn these high questions; plainly, you're an ass.I'd like to have you on the stand a minute!You'd think the deuce was in it!I'dshake the humdrums out of you, I guess!You'd presently confessYou thought that No was Yes.It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry--We like to worry.In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't knowYour father from JIM CROW,Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY!And now then, dunce,Please move your boots, at once!If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout,I'dkickyou out!

I fear, my captious friend,(To speak the truth,) you do not comprehendThe Majesty of Law!Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection!It is not merely Jaw!Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,)If for this thing you have no greater awe,You need correction!Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir,The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur?True, we are sometimes forced to treat a JudgeAs though he were a plain American.But, fudge!Henever minds; he's not a gentleman!True, it is now and then our legal lotTo teach a stupid witness what is what,Or show that he (or she)Is rather worse than he (or she) should be;We find it necessary,Very,To blacken what we have no doubt is white,And whiten what is very black indeed.Agreed!

But ask the Client whathethinks is right!He may not care to see us fairlyfight,(Itis nota pleasant sight,)Or hear us curse till all is black as night,For the whole Jury might perchance take fright;Butheknows whether he is ably served!Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright)Is always either angular or curved.Now, pray, no boshAbout thehabit of defending crimeDulling the sensibilities in time!The theory won't wash!Once place my colleague on the other side,You'd say, This lawyer should be deified!Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal!Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal!You would perceive(At least, you would be ready to believe,)That, noting all the most abhorred deedsKnown to our records, this affair must needsBe judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain.And then, again----

But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I seeYou're one of those odd folks who don't agreeWithanybody.Youare not to passOn these high questions; plainly, you're an ass.I'd like to have you on the stand a minute!You'd think the deuce was in it!I'dshake the humdrums out of you, I guess!You'd presently confessYou thought that No was Yes.It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry--We like to worry.In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't knowYour father from JIM CROW,Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY!And now then, dunce,Please move your boots, at once!If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout,I'dkickyou out!

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Since "gin-and-milk" has been declared to be an uncanonical beverage, much uncertainty prevails among the brethren of the cloth as to what refreshment would be considered orthodox and proper. There is no doubt that some men are so constituted as to require fluid aids to religion. To deprive them of it would be to strike a blow at popular piety. As the laborer is worthy of his hire, so is the minister, whose throat becomes parched by reason of much exhortation, worthy of the liquid balm which is to renew his powers and strengthen his organs. PUNCHINELLO has had under consideration the question of inventing some drink which might happily satisfy the wants of the thirsty and avoid the scandal which "gin-and-milk" has created among the godly. Many correspondents have suggested to him various decoctions, but, as they all involved spirituous ingredients, he has felt compelled to reject them. After considerable trial, he flatters himself, however, that he has fallen upon a discovery which may remove every objection. It is very simple, and that of itself should be a strong recommendation.

Take some raw potatoes; thoroughly extract the juice; mix with it about three ounces of horse-radish, (this to give it pungency,) flavor the same with any aromatic root to suit the taste, and then let the whole boil for one hour. After cooling, tightly bottle the mixture, and within twenty-four hours it will be fit for use. The process then will be to drink it in the same quantity that one would take either gin or whisky, being careful to hold to the nose during the act of swallowing, a sponge well saturated with pure alcohol. Between the pungency communicated to the taste by the horse-radish and the fumes of the spirit invading the nasal avenues, the illusion of a good "square drink" will be complete.

An instance of singularly vitiated taste has just come to the knowledge of PUNCHINELLO. A caterer in Baxter Street provides juvenile boot-blacks with the hind legs of rats, and declares that his guests eat them with great avidity and experience no ill effects. They are rolled in pulverized crackers, and cooked in lard. The dish is considered a great dainty, and is only within the reach of the aristocratic portions of that community. One chief cause of this culinary success is the fact that the provider keeps the knowledge of it to himself, going upon the French principle of "eat what's put before you and ask no questions." Fried horse liver has risen to great popularity with Americans in Paris, owing to the adoption of a similar caution. Fastidious tourists have been known to smack their lips over horse tenderloin, under the impression that the peculiarity of its flavor was to be attributed entirely to the devices of a Parisiancuisine.

This pleasant hypothesis has unquestionably prevented many a stomach from revolting, and increased the reputation of French cooks. It is related of the astronomer LALANDE that he often ate caterpillars and spiders, affirming that the former tasted like almonds and the latter like walnuts; but no American who ever feasted inadvertently on horse liver or a savory sirloin of the same flesh, has yet been found to acknowledge the fact, much less to promote a taste for it by any seductive comparison. The Baxter Street purveyor imitates the Parisianrestaurateurin the mystery with which he surrounds his art, and so both prosper.

Georgia. Mistaken. The columns of PUNCHINELLO are not for sale. If you want to buy editorial columns you should apply to the managers of the WashingtonChronicle. For tariff of rates consult Governor BULLOCK of your State, who is thoroughly informed on the subject.

Anxious Inquirer. Our story of the "Mystery of Mr. E. DROOD," will shortly be published in weekly parts, and it would be unfair to Mr. DICKENS as well to Mr. ORPHEUS C. KERR to tell you the Mystery.

Traveller. We believe that the Street Car Conductors are obliged to pass a preliminary examination in packing herrings, before a car is given to them.

Dramatical. Can you tell me the origin of the expression, "Let's have a smile," meaning of course, to take a drink?--Yes; it is fromJulius Caesar, where CASSIUS says to BRUTUS:--"Farewell BRUTUS!If we do meet again we'll Smile, indeed."Act V. Scene 1.

Hoyle. The old remark, "When in doubt play a trump," has fallen through, as, when in doubt, the player generally plays the Deuce.

Henry Jones. No. You are wrong.Sic semper tyrannis, does notmean"Tyrants are always sick."

Villikens. Mr. HORACE GREELEY, although an intimate personal friend of WESTON, the pedestrian, is not, as you suppose, the Compiler of WALKER'S Dictionary.

Cornet. The critic was wrong in attributing "freshness" to the air of "Walking down Broadway." If you walk down Broadway at this season you will find the air any thing but fresh.

Gin-and-Milk. It is a mistake. THEODORE TILTON never sang Comic Songs in a Houston Street Free-and-Easy.

Chutney. Somebody has been "selling" you. BABOO BRAHMIN CHUNDER SEN is not a relation of HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN.

Sculp. Is it in your power to give the proportions of a perfect human figure?

Answer. Your question implies a doubt of the genius of a great American Sculptor. It isinour Power. Look at his figure of the Greek Slave.

Richard III. My friends think that I have a decided talent for the stage. How can I be fitted for it?

Answer. By a theatrical costumer. Pay great attention to "Measure for Measure."

Debrett. Who were the Knight's Companions of the Bath?

Answer. Towels and Soap.

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'Tis true the Empire's Capital, the centre of authority,Went against me in a fit of Red Republican romance;But the Provinces in rolling up their glorious majorityHave proved, despite of precedents, that Paris is not France.Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the TuileriesThe issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense;And although the rowdyFaubourgstried a few of their Tom-fooleries,My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence.I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks--Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile,I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks,More in pity that in anger hear the roar of theCanaille.TheDrapeau Rouge is down--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLINAre as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn;And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in,I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn.Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical,Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!"They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numericalTheir Creed declares all policy should either live or die.To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender theeAll swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago,All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee,Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'"She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate,From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine;And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate,Theyknowthis is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE.

Self-contained and unembarrassed, I awaited at the TuileriesThe issue, for I trusted the Nation's Common Sense;And although the rowdyFaubourgstried a few of their Tom-fooleries,My soldiers soon let light into each trumpery defence.

I smile in cold contempt at the Old-time Barricade tricks--Each street, did I so order, were a cannon-swept defile,I've bound Fortune to my Chariot, and defying all her jade tricks,More in pity that in anger hear the roar of theCanaille.

TheDrapeau Rouge is down--HUGO, BLANC and LEDRU ROLLINAre as harmless as three kittens with their teeth and talons drawn;And now my own loved France, with returns from every poll in,I bid thee hail of Liberty the true and genial dawn.

Though the Left's intemperate oracles, political and clerical,Deny there's force or purpose in the People's mighty "Aye!"They stultify their principles, for by ordeal numericalTheir Creed declares all policy should either live or die.

To France I said, "My Country, behold I freely tender theeAll swords e'er won for freedom in the ages long ago,All prerogatives that clash with it I offer to surrender thee,Wilt take or spurn the guerdon? prithee, answer 'yes' or 'no.'"

She has answered, France has answered, in thunderings articulate,From the Alps and either Seaboard, to the Pyrenees, the Rhine;And though a horde of demagogues may bellow and gesticulate,Theyknowthis is a victory of the PEOPLE'S RIGHT DIVINE.

What a set of grumblers the Canadians are. They seem never to be satisfied with their public men. First they were berating the minister of Justice for too large a practice at the Bar. Now they have turned their attention to the gentleman (Mr. LANGEVIN) who is to engineer the domestic relations between the Confederate Provinces, on the ground of looking after his own Domestic Relations first. Surely, this is "factious opposition," as their Mr. HOLTON would say.

MR. PUNCHINELLO is pleased to observe that there is to be a meeting of the Western Social Science Association in Chicago, and he hereby announces his intention of attending as a Volunteer Delegate. He will, if he is well treated by the Convention, so that he may reach the elevation of soul necessary, read exhaustive and exhausting papers on the following subjects:

1. On the complete removal of the buildings now constituting the City of Washington to Chicago.

2. On Free Drinks; their origin, history, purpose, and influence.

3. On a curious fluid known as Drinking-Water; observed in other parts of the world, but entirely unknown in Chicago.

4. On Virtue its Own Reward, as exemplified in the Lives and Adventures of the Chicago Police.

5. On the Various Smells to be observed in Chicago (with pungent experiments.)

6. On the Exact Trigonometrical Measurement of a Corner in Grain.

7. On the feasibility of working an Elevator entirely by whisky power.

MR. PUNCHINELLO has prepared forty-nine other papers on different scientific subjects, including Pugilism, Base Ball, the Velocipede, Female Suffrage, and Lake Navigation; and he now awaits on invitation from Chicago to come on with his largest drum and his most melodious trumpet. He is aware of the general impression among the Children of the West that they already know every thing. He hastens to assure them that they labor under the most hideous of delusions.

It must have been in "fly-time" that Shakspeare wrote--"When we have Shoo-flied off this mortal coil."

A Dead Beat to the Windward.

MR. ASHBURY of "Cambria" fame.

Some trouble with regard to the Gulf fisheries appears to be anticipated, and loud calls are being made upon Government by the fishermen, who demand that immediate steps be taken for securing their rights. The unmasterly inactivity of President GRANT, in the matter, is considered by the fishermen as indicating a want of Porpus. They are also very much chagrined with the Government for sending out to the fishing-banks a dispatch boat bearing the inappropriate name of "Frolic." There is a levity about this quite out of keeping with the serious character of the question, and it is doubtful whether the fishermen would not prefer a fight on the banks to a Frolic.

Although the Government appears to Flounder sadly in the mud-banks of this fishery question, still there is some hope that coercive measures may yet be taken for restraining the Dominion fishermen from having every thing on their own hook. Rumor has it that the monitor Miantonomah, Captain SCHUFELDT, is awaiting orders for a cruise to the troubled waters. This will doubtless prove to be a very summary and complete way of settling the difficulty, inasmuch as a few broadsides from the huge thunderer referred to would kill every fish upon the banks, and blacken each particular fisherman into an OTHELLO with an "occupation gone." The Canadian fishermen, of course, would suffer equally with those of our own shores. They are a light-hearted people, though, are these Canadians, fond of music and dancing, and they would doubtless find consolation for their troubles by addressing the skipper of the Miantonomah in a grand MASANIELLO strain, chorussed with "SCHUFELDT don't bother us!"

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Mythology is the term by which the ancient Greek or Roman used to distinguish hiss religion from the rival religions of other and heretical pagans. Just as Orthodoxy, according to DEAN SWIFT, means "my doxy," and Heterodoxy, the doxy of other people; so the pious Roman used to speak of "my thology" as the only genuine religion; the "thologies" of other men being cheap and worthless counterfeits of the real article. The classic mythology had a large and varied assortment of deities, from which every man could select a supply to suit himself. Thus the lawyer could place a bust of Mercury, the god of chicanery, in his office, and so secure the patronage of the god and save the expense of a tin sign announcing his profession. The editor could dedicate his paper to the service of Janus, the two-faced deity, and thus pursue his business without perilling his reputation for religious consistency. The advantages of this sort of thing need hardly be enlarged upon.

We propose to give easy and familiar descriptions of the more important gods of classic mythology, for the benefit of our younger readers. We therefore begin without further delay, with the chief deities of Olympus, the celestial Tammany Hall of the period. The Olympians formed a sort of Ring which governed the entire celestial and infernal world, and as they were the only judges of elections, they retained the power undisturbed.

JUPITER. This individual was a jolly, good-tempered, old Olympian who lived in great terror of his wife, JUNO, and was sadly addicted to surreptitious beer, and undignified flirtations with the female servants. He was fond of disguising himself, and staying out late at night in search of adventures. It is difficult, however, to believe that he really disguised himself as a swan, in order to present his bill to LEDA. The story, doubtless, originated in the fact that JUNO called him "an old goose," to which he very probably replied that "other woman appreciated him better, and that LEDA, for example, would be more apt to call him a duck or a swan, than a degraded and abject goose." So, too, in regard to the story that he disguised himself as a bull, and in that eccentric costume made love to EUROPA. One legend expressly states that he pretended to be an Irish bull. This is, of course, a figurative way of saying that he proclaimed himself an Irish gentleman, a descendant of BRIEN BORU and a graduate of Trinity College. EUROPA was probably a child's nurse, and the fascinating Irish gentleman was accustomed to meet her in the Park, and enliven her with his national witticisms. One can easily believe that he made love to DANAE by throwing a shower of gold in her lap--a story which shows that women were much the same in ancient times as they are to day. There is no denying that JUPITER was a sad old dog, and that he would have been killed a dozen times by insane husbands had he not been immortal. However, he was pretty severely punished by JUNO, who was the leader of the Olympian Sorosis, and who used to hear of all his disreputable flirtations from the respectable spinsters of that Wild Goddess Association, and would keep him awake night after night, with curtain lectures on the subject. JUPITER was,ex-officio, the chairman of the Olympian Society, and he once crushed a rebellion of the Titans, who were the Roughs of the period, by locking them out of the Olympian Hall, and shying all sorts of heavy missiles, such as charters--a Greek word signifying a mountainous burden--out of the upper chamber at them. He had a large number of relatives whom he placed in all the fat offices, and though there was some dissatisfaction with his government, it was generally agreed that he was better fitted for his position than anyone of the Titans would have been. No one knows what was the ultimate fate of JUPITER. He was, however, dethroned by the Emperor CONSTANTINE, and was never afterwards heard of; though it is well known that the inhabitants of certain inland counties of New Jersey still believe in his existence, and have not yet heard of CONSTANTINE'S reformation.

Why is Paris the greatest place in the world for the prosecution of newspaper enterprises?

Because there all newspaper enterprises are prosecuted.

That practised by the "hanging committee" of the Academy of Design.

Come into the garden Maudlin.

Many complaints have been made to the Publishers of PUNCHINELLO regarding the price asked for the paper by news-dealers in some parts of this city, as well as elsewhere--viz.: Fifteen Cents a single copy.

Now, the price of a single copy of PUNCHINELLO is Ten Cents, and no newsman has a right to charge more for one, seeing that his profit on it at the regular price is equal to that made by him on any other illustrated paper.

However gratifying it may be to us to know that our paper is considered by dealers as being more valuable than any other one of a similar class, it has become necessary for us to correct the abuse referred to. The best way of effecting this is for our readers to send in their subscriptions directly to this office. To every subscriber who sends in $4, PUNCHINELLO shall be sent for one year, together with a splendid premium; particulars respecting which will be found on last page of this number.

By following this arrangement, readers will get the paper regularly at their respective addresses, and will avoid the possibility of being imposed on.

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