"ONE of my aides-de-camp," said Lord Wellesley to Plunket on one occasion, "has written a personal narrative of his travels,—pray, Chief Justice, what is your definition of 'personal'?" "My lord," replied Plunket, "we lawyers always considerpersonalas opposed toreal."
Lord Albemarle,Fifty Years of my Life.
IMAKE the butter fly, all in an hour:I put aside the preserves and cold meats,Telling my master his cream has turned sour,Hiding his pickles, purloining his sweets.I never languish for husband or dower,I never sigh to see gyps at my feet:I make the butter fly, all in an hour,Taking it home for my Saturday treat.
Lydia, inG. O. Trevelyan'sHorace at Athens.
ENGLISH is an expressive language, but not difficult to master. Its range is limited. It consists, so far as I can observe, of four words: "nice," "jolly," "charming," and "bore;" and some grammarians add "fond."
Pinto, inLord Beaconsfield'sLothair.
WHEN Sir George Rose was appointed one of the four judges of the now extinct Court of Review, he came to Lincoln's Inn with his colleagues to be sworn in. Some friend congratulating him on his access of dignity, he observed, "Yes! here we are, you see—four by honours!"
Macmillan's Magazine.
AH! who has seen the mailèd lobster rise,Clap her broad wings, and, soaring, claim the skies?When did the owl, descending from her bower,Crop, 'midst the fleecy flocks, the tender flower;Or the young heifer plunge, with pliant limb,In the salt wave, and fish-like strive to swim?The same with plants—potatoes 'tatoes breed,The costly cabbage springs from cabbage-seed;Lettuce to lettuce, leeks to leeks, succeed;Nor e'er did cooling cucumbers presumeTo flower like myrtle, or like violets bloom.
The Anti-Jacobin.
UNE femme d'esprit m'a dit un jour un mot qui pourrait bien être le secret de son sexe; c'est que toute femme, en prenant un amant, tient plus de compte de la manière dont les autres femmes voient cet homme que de la manière dont elle le voit elle-même.
Chamfort,Maximes.
HERE, waiter, I'll dine in this box;I've looked at your long bill of fare:A Pythagorean it shocksTo view all the rarities there.I'm not o'erburdened with cash,Roast beef is the dinner for me;Then why should I eatcalipash,Or why should I eatcalipee?Your trifle's no trifle, I ween,To customers prudent as I am;Your peas in December are green,But I'm not so green as to buy 'em.With ven'son I seldom am fed—Go, bring me a sirloin, you ninny;Who dines at a guinea a headWill ne'er by his head get a guinea.
James Smith,Horace in London.
ONE of Lord Dudley's eccentric habits was that of speaking to himself or thinking aloud. Soon after he succeeded to the title of Dudley and Ward, a lady asked Lord Castlereagh how he accounted for the custom. "It is only Dudley speaking to Ward," was the ready answer to her inquiry.
Sinclair,Old Times and Distant Places.
LE secret d'ennuyer est celui de tout dire.
Voltaire,Discours, vi.
INEVER heard Rogers volunteer an opinion upon Campbell, except after his death, when he had been to see the poet's statue. "It is the first time," said he, "that I have seen him stand straight for many years."
Bryan Waller Procter.
"VEXATION of spirit"—that is the part that belongs to us; we leave the "vanity" to the women.
Vanecourt, inL. Oliphant'sPiccadilly.
IWATCHED her as she stoop'd to pluckA wild flower in her hair to twine;And wish'd that it had been my luckTo call her mine.Anon I heard her rate, with madMad words, her babe within its cot;And felt particularly gladThat it had not.
C. S. Calverley,Fly Leaves.
PRACTICE does not always make perfect. Curran, when told by his physician that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, replied, "That is odd enough, for I have been practising all night."
Horace Smith,The Tin Trumpet.
WE talk little if we do not talk about ourselves.
W. Hazlitt,Characteristics.
AND how was the Devil drest?O, he was in his Sunday's best;His jacket was red and his breeches were blue,And there was a hole where the tail came through.
The Devil's Walk.
ACLOSED glass bookcase provoked from Dr. Drake the remark that he never could stand "Locke on the Human Understanding."
Lord Teignmouth,Reminiscences.
THERE was a time, ere Trollope learned to spell,When S. G. O. wrote seldom or wrote well;When Swinburne only lusted after tarts,When Beales was yet a Bachelor of Arts;Ere Broad Church rose to make logicians stare,That medley of St. Paul and St. Voltaire.
Richard Crawley,Horse and Foot.
[REDMOND BARRY] said once to Corry, who was praising Crompton's performance of some particular character a night or two before, "Yes, he played the part pretty well; he hadn't time to study it!"
Thomas Moore,Diary.
IF a daughter you have, she's the plague of your life,No peace shall you know, though you've buried your wife!At twenty she mocks at the duty you've taught her—O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter!Sighing and whining,Dying and pining,O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter!When scarce in their teens, they have wit to perplex us,With letters and lovers for ever they vex us;While each still rejects the fair suitor you've brought her;O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter!Wrangling and jangling,Flouting and pouting,O, what a plague is an obstinate daughter!
R. B. Sheridan,The Duenna.
KITTY: What is your ladyship so fond of?Lady Bab's Servant: Shickspur. Did you never read Shickspur?Kitty: Shickspur! Shickspur! Who wrote it? No, I never read Shickspur.
High Life Below Stairs, Act II. Scene 1.
NUL n'est content de sa fortuneNi mécontent de son esprit.
Madame Deshoulières,Réflexions.
IN courtship suppose you can't singYour Cara, your Liebe, your Zoë,A kiss and a sight of the ringWill more quickly prevail with your Chloe.Or if you in twenty strange tonguesCould call for a beef-steak and bottle,A purse with less learning and lungsWould bring them much nearer your throttle.
Lord Neaves,Songs and Verses.
THE father of C——, a distinguished artist, was complimented by a friend on the talents and reputation of his son, and on the comfort he must be to his father. "Yes," was the reply, "he is a very good son—a very good son, if he did not swear at his mother so."
W. H. Harrison,University Magazine.
THE old, old tale! ay, there's the smart;Her heart, or what she call'd her heart,Was hard as granite:Who breaks a heart, and then omitsTo gather up the broken bitsIs heartless, Janet.
Frederick Locker,London Lyrics.
THE French don't know what they want, and will never be satisfied till they get it.
William Harness,Life.
SHE played the accordion divinely—accordionly I praised her.
C. F. Browne,Artemus Ward's Lecture.
SHOULD yours (kind heaven, avert the omen!)Like the cravats of vulgar, low men,Asunder start—and, yawning wide,Disclose a chasm on either side;Or should it stubbornly persistTo take some awkward tasteless twist,Some crease, indelible, and lookJust like a dunce's dog-eared book,How would you parry the disgrace?In what assembly show your face?How brook your rival's scornful glance,Or partners' titter in the dance?How in the morning dare to meetThe quizzers of the park and street?Your occupation's gone; in vainHope to dine out, or flirt again.The ladies from their lists would put you,And evenI, my friend, must cut you!
H. Luttrell,Letters to Julia.
AMAN can never manage a woman. Till a woman marries, a prudent man leaves her to women; when she does marry, she manages her husband, and there's an end of it.
Kenelm Chillingly, inLord Lytton's novel.
HOMAGE TO THE SCOTCH RIFLES, BY A SPITEFULCOMPETITOR.
IT seems that the ScotsTurn out much better shotsAt long distance, than most of the Englishmen are:But this we all knewThat a Scotchman could do—Make a small piece of metal go awfully far.
Shirley Brooks,Wit and Humour.
SOME one peevishly complaining, "You take the words out of my mouth," Donaldson replied, "You are very hard to please; would you have liked it better if I had made you swallow them?"
Crabb Robinson,Diary.
IAM lying, we'll say, in the nook I love,Screened from the sunlight's scorching glow,Watching the big clouds up above,And blowing a lazy cloud below;Blowing a cloud from my meerschaum black,And thinking or not as I feel inclined,With a light alpaca coat on my back,And nothing particular on my mind.
Once a Week.
THERE was a Presbyterian minister who married a couple of his rustic parishioners, and had felt exceedingly disconcerted, on his asking the bridegroom if he were willing to take the woman for his wedded wife, by his scratching his head and saying, "Ay, I'm wullin'; but I'd rather hae her sister."
J. C. Young,Diary.
THE prospect's always fine in the Prospectus!
J. R. Planché,Songs and Poems.
ANIMALS are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.
George Eliot,Mr. Gilfil's Love Story.
THERE is atact,Which keeps, when pushed by questions rather rough,A lady always distant from the fact:The charming creatures lie with such a grace,There's nothing so becoming to the face.
Lord Byron,Don Juan.
WALKED Corry over to Bowood. In looking at the cascade, he mentioned what Plunket said, when some one, praising his waterfall, exclaimed, "Why, it's quite a cataract." "Oh, that's all my eye," said Plunket.
Thomas Moore,Diary.
THESE panting damsels, dancing for their lives,Are only maidens waltzing into wives.
Alfred Austin,The Season.
ANOTHER friend assured me it was policy to "feed a cold and starve a fever." I had both. So I thought it best to feed myself up for the cold, and then keep dark and let the fever starve awhile. In a case of this kind, I seldom do things by halves. I ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom upon a stranger who had just opened his restaurant that morning. He waited near me in respectful silence, until I had finished feeding my cold, when he inquired if the people about Virginia were much afflicted with colds? I told him I thought they were. He then went out and took in his sign.
Mark Twain,Choice Works.
AFINE lady is like a cat; when young, the most gamesome and lively of all creatures—when old, the most melancholy.
Alexander Pope, inLocker'sPatchwork.
'TIS the voice of the lobster; I heard him declare"You have baked me quite brown, I must sugar my hair."As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his noseTrims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.
Lewis Carroll,Alice in Wonderland.
POOR relations are undeniably irritating—their existence is so entirely uncalled for on our part, and they are almost always very faulty people.
George Eliot,Mill on the Floss.
THERE was anApein the days that were earlier;Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier:Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist—Then he wasMan, and a Positivist.
Mortimer Collins,The British Birds.
IT was observed he never gave an opinion on any subject, and never told an anecdote. Indeed, he would sometimes remark, when a man fell into his anecdotage it was a sign for him to retire from the world.
Lord Beaconsfield,Lothair.
YOU cannot eat breakfast all day,Nor is it the act of a sinner,When breakfast is taken away,To turn your attention to dinner;And it's not in the range of belief,That you could hold him as a glutton,Who, when he is tired of beef,Determines to tackle the mutton.
Defendant, inW. S. Gilbert'sTrial by Jury.
HAD the Romans public dinners? Answer me that. Imagine a Roman—whose theory at least of a dinner was that it was a thing for enjoyment, whereas we often look on it as a continuation of the business of the day,—I say, imagine a Roman girding himself up, literally girding himself up, to make an after dinner speech.
Ellesmere, inHelps'sFriends in Council.
FOLKS will teach you when at school—"Never tell a lie!"Nonsense: if you're not a foolYou may always break the rule,But you must be sly;For they'll whip you, past a doubt,If they ever find you out.Folks say, "Children should not letAngry passions rise."Humbug! When you're in a petWhy on earth should you regretBlacking some one's eyes?Children's eyes are made, in fact,Just on purpose to be black'd.
H. S. Leigh,Carols of Cockayne.
IT is not now "We have seen his star in the East," but "We have seen the star on his breast, and are come to worship him."
Shenstone,Essays.
A FAITHFUL PAGE.
NEARLY one hundred years ago, my grandfather, Captain William Locker, was at dinner, and a servant-boy, lately engaged, was handing him a tray of liqueurs, in different-sized glasses. Being in the middle of an anecdote to his neighbour, he mechanically held out his hand towards the tray, but, as people often do when they are thinking of something else, he did not take a glass. The boy thought he was hesitating which liqueur he would have, and, like a good fellow, wishing to help his master, he pointed to one particular glass, and whispered, "That's the biggest, sir."
Frederick Locker,Patchwork.
ALL men are equal, the Frenchman says;Most men will gladly receiveWhat a fervid fool, with a flattering phrase,Tricks out for fools to believe;But these men have less brains than a wren!When a larch is a lily,And Bessy like BillyA beard shall achieve,Then I will believeThat equality reigns among men!
J. S. Blackie,Musa Burschicosa.
I'M not one o' those who can see the cat i' the dairy, an' wonder what she's come after.
Mrs. Poyser, inGeorge Eliot'sAdam Bede.
Icalled him Selim, to expressThe marked s(e)limness of his form.
Songs of Singularity.
"YES," he exclaimed, "as the sublime Tyndall tells us, let us struggle to attain to a deeper knowledge of matter, and a more faithful conformity to its laws!"The professor would have proceeded, but the weather had been rapidly growing rough, and he here became violently sea-sick."Let us," he exclaimed hurriedly, "conform to the laws of matter and go below."
W. H. Mallock,The New Paul and Virginia.
WHAT can Tommy Onslow do?He can drive a curricle and two.Can Tommy Onslow do no more?Yes, he can drive a phaeton and four.
Anon., inGronow'sRecollections.
HICKS and Thackeray, walking together, stopped opposite a doorway, over which was inscribed in gold letters these words: "Mutual Loan Office." They both seemed equally puzzled. "What on earth can that mean?" asked Hicks. "I don't know," answered Thackeray, "unless it means, that two men, who have nothing, agree to lend it to one another."
J. C. Young,Diary.
ACLOD—a piece of orange-peel—An end of a cigar,—Once trod on by a princely heel,How beautiful they are!
C. S. Calverley,Fly Leaves.
IN the onion is the hope of universal brotherhood. Look at Italy. In the churches all are alike; there is one faith, one smell.
C. D. Warner,My Summer in a Garden.
HE was "free to confess" (whence comes this phrase? Is't English? No—'tis only parliamentary).
Lord Byron,Don Juan.
"AH!" says my languid Oxford gentleman, "nothing new, and nothing true, and no matter."
R. W. Emerson.
HE dropt a tear on Susan's bier,He seem'd a most despairing swain;Yet bluer sky brought newer tie,And would he wish her back again?The moments fly, and when we dieWill Philly Thistletop complain?She'll cry and sigh, and—dry her eye,And let herself be woo'd again.
Frederick Locker,London Lyrics.
ONE 'ud think, an hear some folks talk, as the men war 'cute enough to count the corns in a bag o' wheat wi' only smelling at it. They can see through a barn door, they can. Perhaps that's the reason they see so little o' this side on't.
Mrs. Poyser, inGeorge Eliot'sAdam Bede.
THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to theeOnly in this—that you both painted be.
John Donne.
WITHOUT black velvet breeches, what is man?
John Bramston,Man of Taste.
A KISS.
ROSE kissed me to-day,—Will she kiss me to-morrow?Let it be as it may,Rose kissed me to-day.But the pleasure gives wayTo a savour of sorrow;—Rose kissed me to-day,—Willshe kiss me to-morrow?
Austin Dobson,Proverbs in Porcelain.
HUMILITY is a virtue all preach, none practise, and yet everybody is content to hear.
Selden,Table Talk.
SOME say that the primitive tongueExpressed but the simplest affections;And swear that the words said or sungWere nothing but mere interjections.Oh! Oh!was the signal of pain;Ha! Ha!was the symptom of laughter;Pooh! Pooh!was the sign of disdain,AndHillo!came following after.
Some, taking a different view,Maintain the old language was fittedTo mark out the objects we knew,By mimicking sounds they emitted.Bow, wow, was the name of a dog,Quack, quack, was the word for a duckling,Hunc, hunc, would designate a hog,Andwee, wee, a pig and a suckling.
Lord Neaves,Songs and Verses.
APRACTICAL MAN.—One whose judgment is not distracted by the power of seeing far before him.
Anne Evans,Poems and Music.
FOR conversation well endued,She thinks it witty to be rude,And, placing raillery in railing,Proclaims aloud your greatest failing.
Swift,A Woman's Mind.
IHAVE always been more or less mixed up with Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs—and I have a servant who takes anything he can get his hands on.
C. F.Browne,Artemus Ward's Lecture.
IF a man who turnips criesCry not when his father dies,'Tis a proof that he would ratherHave a turnip than a father.
Dr. Johnson.
THE greatest happiness of the greatest number is best secured by a prudent consideration for Number One.
Kenelm Chillingly, inLord Lytton's novel.
"YOU are old, Father William," the young man said,"And your hair has become very white;And yet you incessantly stand on your head—Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,"I feared it might injure my brain;But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,Why, I do it again and again."
Lewis Carroll,Alice in Wonderland.
WHEN the question arose how the title of Herold's charming opera, "Le Pré aux Clercs," should be rendered into English, [Beazley] quietly suggested "Parson's Green."
J. R. Planché,Recollections.
WHEN I left the man in gaiters,He was grumbling, o'er his gin,At the charges of the hostessOf that famous Flemish inn;And he looked a very Briton(So, methinks, I see him still)As he pocketed the candleThat was mentioned in the bill!
John Godfrey Saxe,Poems.
MORALITY—keeping up appearances in this world, or becoming suddenly devout when we imagine that we may be shortly summoned to appear in the next.
Horace Smith,The Tin Trumpet.
ON PATRONS' PROMISES.
AMINISTER'S answer is always so kind!I starve, and he tells me he'll keep me in mind.Half his promise, God knows, would my spirits restore—Let him keep me, and, faith, I will ask for no more.
Lord Holland, inMoore'sDiary.
IKNOW there's a stage of speculation in which a man may doubt whether a pickpocket is blameworthy—but I'm not one of your subtle fellows who keep looking at the world through their own legs.
Felix Holt, inGeorge Eliot's novel.
"AKNOCK-ME-DOWN sermon, and worthy of Birch,"Says I to my wife, as we toddle from church."Convincing, indeed!" is the lady's remark;"How logical, too, on the size of the Ark!"Then Blossom cut in, without begging our pardons,"Pa, was it as big as the 'Logical Gardens?"
"Miss Blossom," says I, to my dearest of dearies,"Papa disapproves of nonsensical queries;The Ark was an Ark, and had people to build it,Enough we are told Noah built it and fill'd it:Mamma does not ask how he caught his opossums."—Said she, "That remark is as foolish as Blossom's!"
Frederick Locker,London Lyrics.
BOOKS are fatal: they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense. The greatest misfortune that ever befell man was the invention of printing.
Phœbus, inLord Beaconsfield'sLothair.
WE can't assume, so Comte declares, a first or final cause, sir;Phenomena are all we know, their order and their laws, sir;While Hegel's modest formula, a single line to sum in,Is "Nothing is, and nothing's not, but everything's becomin'."
F. D., inPall Mall Gazette.
IF you wish particularly to gain the good graces and affection of certain people, men or women, try to discover their most striking merit, if they have one, and their dominant weakness, for every one has his own. Then do justice to the one, and a little more than justice to the other.
Lord Chesterfield,Letters to his Son.
TENDER ten may dote on toys,While for twelve jam tarts have joys,Feat fourteen's in love with boys—Not a few.
J.Ashby Sterry,Boudoir Ballads.
JJuliet was a fool to kill herself. In three months she'd have married again, and been glad to be quit of Romeo.
Charles Buxton,Notes of Thought.
ACORNET waltzes, but a colonel weds.
Alfred Austin,The Season.
IN the days when Pam retained the wheel,We knew the men with whom we had to deal;Then sucking statesmen seldom failed in seeingThe final cause and import of their being.They dressed; they drove a drag; nor sought to shirkTheir portion of the matrimonial work.They flocked to rout and drum by tens and twelves;Danced every dance, and left their cards themselves,While some obliging senatorial fagSlipped their petitions in the Speaker's bag.
Lady Matilda, inG. O. Trevelyan'sLadies in Parliament.
MONK LEWIS was a great favourite at Oatlands. One day after dinner, as the duchess was leaving the room, she whispered something in Lewis's ear. He was much affected, his eyes filling with tears. We asked him what was the matter. "Oh," replied Lewis, "the duchess spoke soverykindly to me!" "My dear fellow," said Colonel Armstrong, "pray don't cry; I dare say she didn't mean it."
Rogers,Table Talk.
SWEET is revenge—especially to women.
Lord Byron,Don Juan.
Aplain leg of mutton, my Lucy,I prithee get ready at three;Have it smoking and tender and juicy,And what better meat can there be?And when it has feasted the master,'Twill amply suffice for the maid;Meanwhile, I will smoke my canaster,And tipple my ale in the shade.
W. M. Thackeray.
L'AMOUR est comme les maladies épidémiques; plus on les craint, plus on y est exposé.
Chamfort,Maximes.
MARRY(ANDDON'T)COME UP.
AFELLOW that's single, a fine fellow's he;But a fellow that's married's afelo de se.
Shirley Brooks,Wit and Humour.
ABROTHER actor, who had not exactly "taken the house by storm" at his first appearance in London, very stupidly asked Compton: "Was my acting good?" "Well," was the reply, delivered in his inimitable style, "hum! ha!Goodis not the word!"
H. Howe, inMemoir of Henry Compton.
SO when two dogs are fighting in the streets,When a third dog one of the two dogs meets,With angry tooth he bites him to the bone,And this dog smarts for what that dog has done.
Fielding,Tom Thumb.
IRECOLLECT a humorous M.P. pointing out to me a retired West Indian judge not very remarkable for sagacity on the bench. There was a ball at Government House, and the judge began to criticise the dancing of a witty member of the Indian bar. "Ah, my friend, you are a bad waltzer!" "Ah, but you are a bad judge."
Mark Boyd,Reminiscences.
Mrs. Cripps: Things are seldom what they seem:Skim milk masquerades as cream;Highlows pass as patent leathers;Jackdaws strut in peacocks' feathers.Captain: Very true,So they do.Mrs. Cripps: Black sheep dwell in every fold;All that glitters is not gold;Storks turn out to be but logs;Bulls are but inflated frogs.Captain: So they be,Frequentlee.
W. S. Gilbert,H.M.S. Pinafore.
AFRIEND meeting Sir George Rose one day in Lincoln's Inn Fields, with his left eye greatly swollen and inflamed, remonstrated with him, adding that he was surprised Lady Rose should have let him go out of doors in such a condition. "Ah," replied Sir George, "I am outjure mariti" (my right eye).
Macmillan's Magazine.
IT is no comfort to theshortTo know you cannot loveat all!
Robert Reece, inComic Poets.
"'EDWIN and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him; and even Stigand, the patriotic Archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable——' "
"Foundwhat?" said the Duck.
"Foundit," the Mouse replied, rather crossly; "of course you know what 'it' means."
"I know what 'it' means well enough, whenIfind a thing," said the Duck; "it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
Lewis Carroll,Alice in Wonderland.
I'VE read in many a novel, that, unless they'vesouls that grovel,Folksprefer, in fact, a hovelto your dreary marble halls.
C. S. Calverley,Fly Leaves.
MARRIAGE is a Bishop, choral service, Messrs. Hancock, and Brussels lace.
Anna C. Steele.
HOW beautifully blue the sky,The glass is rising very high,Continue fine I hope it may,And yet it rained but yesterday;To-morrow it may pour again(I hear the country wants some rain);Yet people say, I know not why,That we shall have a warm July.
W. S. Gilbert,Pirates of Penzance.
THE Dowager-Duchess of Richmond went one Sunday with her daughter to the Chapel Royal at St. James's, but, being late, they could find no places. After looking about some time, and seeing the case was hopeless, she said to her daughter, "Come away, Louisa; at any rate we have done the civil thing."
R. R. Haydon,Diary.
ON NORTHERN LIGHTS.
TO roar and bore of Northern wightsThe tendency so frail is,That men do call those Northern LightsAu-ror-a Bor-ealis.
Jekyll, inMiss Mitford'sLetters.
I'M forced to wink a good deal, for fear of seeing too much, for a neighbourly man must let himself be cheated a little.
Parson Lingon, inGeorge Eliot'sFelix Holt.
DULCEit is, anddecorum, no doubt, for the country to fall,—toOffer one's blood an oblation to Freedom, and die for the Cause; yetStill, individual culture is also something, and no manFinds quite distinct the assurance that he of all others is called on,Or would be justified even, in taking away from the world thatPrecious creature himself.
Claude, inClough'sAmours de Voyage.
NOTRE repentir n'est pas tant un regret du mal que nous avons fait, qu'une crainte de celui qui nous en peut arriver.
La Rochefoucauld,Réflexions.
ON AN INANIMATE ACTRESS.
THOU hast a score of parts not good,But two divinely shown:Thy Daphne a true piece of wood,Thy Niobe a stone.
Palladas, trans. byR. Garnett.
WE as often repent the good we have done as the ill.
W. Hazlitt,Characteristics.
THE speech of Old England for me;It serves us on every occasion;Henceforth, like our soil, let it beExempted from foreign invasion.It answers for friendship and love,For all sorts of feeling and thinking,And lastly, all doubt to remove—It answers for singing and drinking.
Lord Neaves,Songs and Verses.
ACOMPLIMENT is usually accompanied with a bow, as if to beg pardon for paying it.
Guesses at Truth.
THE TRAVELLER AND THE GORILLA.
THE gifts by Nature boon suppliedThis pair unequally divide:The traveller's tale is far from small,The monkey has no tail at all.
R. Garnett,Idylls and Epigrams.
THE more a man's worth, the worthier man he must be.
Dudley Smooth, inLord Lytton'sMoney.
NOW to the banquet we press,Now for the eggs and the ham!Now for the mustard and cress,Now for the strawberry jam!Now for the tea of our host,Now for the rollicking bun,Now for the muffin and toast,And now for the gay Sally Lunn!
W. S. Gilbert,The Sorcerer.
IT was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an actor. The play was the "Ruins of Pompeii." I played the Ruins. It was not a very successful performance, but it was better than the "Burning Mountains." He was not good. He was a bad Vesuvius.
C. F. Browne,Artemus Ward's Lecture.
HE cannot be complete in aughtWho is not humorously prone,—A man without a merry thoughtCan hardly have a funny bone.
Frederick Locker,London Lyrics.
AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some one remarked at the Garrick Club that there were a great many more in the pit—"Probably clerks who have taken Priest's orders."
Abraham Hayward,Essays.
AND she? she marries money and a man.
Alfred Austin,The Season.
ALADY of my acquaintance, a brunette, happened to show her maid one of those little sticking-plaster profiles which they used to callsilhouettes. It was the portrait of the lady's aunt, whom the girl had never seen, and she said quite innocently, "La, ma'am, I always thought as how you had some black relations, you are so dark-like yourself, you know!"
Frederick Locker,Patchwork.
HE pored upon the leaves, and on the flowers,And heard a voice in all the winds; and then,He thought of wood nymphs and immortal bowers,And how the goddesses came down to men:He miss'd the pathway, he forgot the hours,And when he look'd upon his watch again,He found how much old Time had been a winner—He also found that he had lost his dinner.
Lord Byron,Don Juan.
WARD had been a Whig, and became ministerial. "I wonder what could make me turn Whig again," said Ward. "That I can tell you," said [Lord] Byron. "They have only tore-Wardyou."
Crabb Robinson,Diary.
DISTICH.
AS the meek beasts in the Garden came flocking for Adam to name them,Men for a title to-day crawl to the feet of a king.
John Hay,Poems.
YOU cannot have everything, as the man said when he was down with small-pox and cholera, and the yellow fever came into the neighbourhood.
C. D. Warner,My Summer in a Garden.
WHENE'ER I take my walks abroad,How manyrichI see!There's A. and B. and C. and D.All better off than me!
R. H. Barham,Life.
AT one period of his boyhood, Macaulay's fancy was much exercised by the threats and terrors of the law. He had a little plot of ground at the back of the house, marked out as his own by a row of oyster-shells, which a maid one day threw away as rubbish. He went straight to the drawing-room, where his mother was entertaining some visitors, walked into the circle, and said very solemnly: "Cursed be Sally; for it is written, 'Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's landmark.'"
G. O. Trevelyan,Life of Macaulay.
IF care were not the waiterBehind a fellow's chair,When easy-going sinnersSit down to Richmond dinners,And life's swift stream flows straighter—By Jove, it would be rare,If care were not the waiterBehind a fellow's chair.If wit were always radiant,And wine were always iced,And bores were kicked out straightwayThrough a convenient gateway;Then down the years' long gradient'Twere sad to be enticed,If wit were always radiant,And wine were always iced.
Mortimer Collins, inThe Owl.
BUILDING a staircase for Sir Henry Meux, [Beazley] called it making a new "Gradus ad Parnassum," because it was steps for themuses.
J. R. Planché,Recollections.
ICANNOT clear the five-bar gate,But, trying first its timber's state,Climb stiffly up, take breath, and waitTo trundle over.
Walter Savage Landor.
LA constance est la chimère de l'amour.
Vauvenargues,Réflexions.
ON AN INTEMPERATE HUSBAND.
WHENCE comes it that in Clara's faceThe lily only has a place?Is it because the absent roseHas gone to paint her husband's nose?
A Collection of Epigrams(1727).
[CHARLES] SHERIDAN told me that his father, being a good deal plagued by an old maiden relation of his always going out to walk with him, said one day that the weather was bad and rainy; to which the old lady answered that, on the contrary, it had cleared up. "Yes," said Sheridan, "it has cleared enough forone, but not fortwo."
Thomas Moore,Diary.
TO Urn, or not to Urn? that is the question:Whether 'tis nobler for our frames to sufferThe shows and follies of outrageous custom,Or to take fire—against a sea of zealots—And, by consuming, end them? To Urn—to keep—No more: and while we keep, to say we endContagion and the thousand graveyard illsThat flesh is heir to—'tis a consume-ationDevoutly to be wished!
William Sawyer.
ANSWER TO AN INQUIRY.
"YOUNG AUTHOR."—Yes, Agassizdoesrecommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brains. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat—at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you send is about your fair usual average, I should judge that perhaps a couple of whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good, middling-sized whales.
Mark Twain,Choice Works.
THE firm of Baxter, Rose, and Norton,Deny the plaintiffs Arthur Orton;But can't deny, what's more important,That he has done what Arthur oughtn't.
Anon.
HUME and his wife and several of their children were with me. Hume repeated the old saying, "One fool makes many." "Ay, Mr. Hume," said I, pointing to the company, "you have a fine family."
Charles Lamb,apudCrabb Robinson.
PLUS on juge, moins on aime.
Balzac,Physiologie du Mariage.