---- has nothing truly human about him; he can't even yawn like a man.
Lady Ashburton,apudLord Houghton.
WE are apt to be kinder to the brutes that love us than to the women that love us. Is it because the brutes are dumb?
George Eliot,Adam Bede.
AFRONTISPIECE of a new magazine,With all the fashions which the last month wore,Colour'd, and silver-paper leaved betweenThat and the title page, for fear the pressShould soil with parts of speech the parts of dress.
Lord Byron,Beppo.
"IWISH to consult you upon a little project I have formed," said a noodle to his friend. "I have an idea in my head——" "Have you?" interposed the friend, with a look of great surprise; "then you shall have my opinion at once:keep it there!—it may be some time before you get another."
Horace Smith,The Tin Trumpet.
ON aime mieux dire du mal de soi-même que de n'en point parler.
La Rochefoucauld,Réflexions.
AND I said, "Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?"
C. F. Browne,Artemus Ward's Lecture.
THEOLOGICAL HOROLOGY.
THERE'S this to say about the Scotch,So bother bannocks, braes, and birks,They can't produce a decent watch,For Calvinists despise good works.
Shirley Brooks,Wit and Humour.
DAWSON told a good story about the Irish landlord counting out the change of a guinea. "12, 13, 14" (a shot heard); "Bob, go and see who's that that's killed; 15, 16, 17" (enter Bob). "It's Kelly, sir." "Poor Captain Kelly, a very good customer of mine; 18, 19, 20—there's your change, sir."
Thomas Moore,Diary.
CAN this be Balbus, household word for all,Whose earliest exploit was to build a wall:Who, with a frankness that I'm sure must charm ye,Declared it was all over with the army?Can this be he who feasted, as 'twas said,The town at forty sesterces a head?But, while the thankless mob his bounty quaffed,Historians add—that there were some who laughed.
Horace, inG. O. Trevelyan'sHorace at Athens.
ISHOULD never like scolding any one else so well; and that is a point to be thought of in a husband.
Mary Garth, inGeorge Eliot'sMiddlemarch.
IN Logic a woman may seldom excel;But in Rhetoric always she bears off the bell.Fair Portia will show woman's talent for law,When in old Shylock's bond she could prove such a flaw.She would blunder in physic no worse than the rest,She could leave things to Nature as well as the best,She could feel at your wrist, she could finger your fee;Then why should a woman not get a degree?
Lord Neaves,Songs and Verses.
QUAM parvâ sapientiâ regitur mundus.Say rather,quam magnâ stultitiâ.
Charles Buxton,Notes of Thought.
THE padded corsage and the well-matched hair,Judicious jupon spreading out the spare,Sleeves well designed soft plumpness to impart,Leave vacant still the hollows of the heart.
Alfred Austin,The Season.
ATAILOR is partly an alchemist, for he extracteth his own apparel out of other men's clothes.
Sir Thomas Overbury,Characters.
IAM quite ashamed to take people into my garden, and have them notice the absence of onions. In onion is strength; and a garden without it lacks flavour.
C. D. Warner,My Summer in a Garden.
TORBAY had incurred a good deal of expenseTo make him a Scotchman in every senseBut this is a matter, you'll readily own,That isn't a question of tailors alone.A Sassenach chief may be bonily built,He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt,Stick a skean in his hose—wear an acre of stripes—But he cannot assume an affection for pipes.
W. S. Gilbert,Bab Ballads.
WHEN you have found the master-passion of a man, remember never to trust him where that passion is concerned.
Lord Chesterfield,Letters to his Son.
ON ONE WHO SPOKE LITTLE.
"IHARDLY ever ope my lips," one cries:"Simonides, what think you of my rule?""If you're a fool, I think you're very wise;If you are wise, I think you are a fool."
R. Garnett,Idylls and Epigrams.
NOUS aimons mieux voir ceux à qui nous faisons du bien que ceux qui nous en font.
La Rochefoucauld,Réflexions.
ALL SAINTS'.
IN a church which is furnish'd with mullion and gable,With altar and reredos, with gargoyle and groin,The penitents' dresses are sealskin and sable,The odour of sanctity's eau-de-Cologne.But only could Lucifer, flying from Hades,Gaze down on this crowd with its panniers and paints,He would say, as he look'd at the lords and the ladies,"Oh, where is All Sinners', if this is All Saints'?"
Edmund Yates.
IF we are long absent from our friends, we forget them; if we are constantly with them, we despise them.
W. Hazlitt,Characteristics.
AWELL-KNOWNlitterateur, on seeing [Lady Ruthven], after breakfast, feeding her pheasants with crumbs and milk, exclaimed, "Ah! I see your ladyship is preparing themhere, for bread-saucehereafter."
J. C. Young,Diary.
THE second canto of the "Pleasures of Memory," as published in the first edition, commenced with the lines—
"Sweet memory, wafted by thy gentle gale,Oft up the tide of Time I turn my sail."
[A] critic remarked on this passage that it suggested the alliteration—
"Oft up the tide of Time I turn mytail."
Rogers,Table Talk.
ILIKE the man who makes a pun,Or drops a deep remark;I like philosophy or fun—A lecture or a lark;But I despise the men who gloatInanely over anecdote.Ah me! I'd rather live aloneUpon a desert isle,Without a voice except my ownTo cheer me all the while,Than dwell with men who learn by roteTheir paltry funds of anecdote.
H. S. Leigh,Carols of Cockayne.
NO woman is too silly not to have a genius for spite.
Anna C. Steele.
THAT'S what a man wants in a wife mostly; he wants to make sure o' one fool as 'ull tell him he's wise.
Mrs. Poyser, inGeorge Eliot'sAdam Bede.
THE characters of great and smallCome ready-made, we can't bespeak one;Their sides are many, too,—and all(Except ourselves) have got a weak one.Some sanguine people love for life,Some love their hobby till it flings them.—How many love a pretty wifeFor love of theéclatshe brings them!
Frederick Locker,London Lyrics.
CONSCIENCE, in most souls, is like an English Sovereign—it reigns, but it does not govern. Its function is merely to give a formal assent to the Bills passed by the passions; and it knows, if it opposes what those are really bent upon, that ten to one it will be obliged to abdicate.
Leslie, inMallock'sNew Republic.
IF you are pious (mild form of insanity),Bow down and worship the mass of humanity.Other religions are buried in mists;We're our own Gods, say the Positivists.
Mortimer Collins,The British Birds.
WE were sitting in the green-room one evening during the performance, chatting and laughing, she [Mrs. Nesbitt] having a book in her hand which she had to take on the stage with her in the next scene, when Brindal, a useful member of the company, but not particularly remarkable for wit or humour, came to the door, and, leaning against it, in a sentimental manner drawled out,—
"If to her share some female errors fall,Look in her face——
He paused. She raised her beautiful eyes to him, and consciously smiled—hersmile—in anticipation of the well-known complimentary termination of the couplet, when, with a deep sigh, he added—
"——and you'llbelievethem all!"
J. R. Planché,Recollections.
THE MAIDENS.
PERHAPS, O lovers, if we did our hairA laMedea, and if our garments wereDraped classically, we should seem more fair.
THE YOUTHS.
By doing this ye would not us befool;Medea! the idea makes our blood run cool;Besides, of classics we'd enough at school.
Once a Week.
PLEDGE me round, I bid ye declare,All good fellows whose beards are grey,Did not the fairest of the fairCommon grow and wearisome ereEver a month was passed away?The reddest lips that ever have kissed,The brightest eyes that ever have shone,May pray and whisper, and we not list,Or look away, and never be missed,Ere yet ever a month is gone.
W. M. Thackeray.
IT was known that Lord St. Jerome gave at his ball suppers the same champagne that he gave at his dinners, and that was of the highest class: in short, a patriot. We talk with wondering execration of the great poisoners of past ages, the Borgias, the inventor of Aqua tofana, and the amiable Marchioness de Brinvilliers; but Pinto was of opinion that there were more social poisoners about in the present day than in the darkest and most demoralized periods, and then none of them are punished; which is so strange, he would add, as they are all found out.
Lord Beaconsfield,Lothair.
SEARED is, of course, my heart:—but unsubduedIs, and shall be, my appetite for food.
C. S. Calverley,Verses and Translations.
SHEIL had learnt and forgotten the exordium of a speech which began with the word "Necessity." This word he had repeated three times, when Sir Robert Peel broke in—"is notalwaysthe mother of invention."
Abraham Hayward,Essays.
ON MR. FROUDE AND CANON KINGSLEY.
FROUDE informs the Scottish youthParsons have small regard for truth;The Reverend Canon Kingsley criesThat History is a pack of lies.What cause for judgment so malign?A brief reflection solves the mystery:Froude believes Kingsley a divine,And Kingsley goes to Froude for history.
Anon.
DINED with Sydney Smith. He said that his brother Robert had, in King George III.'s time, translated the motto, "Libertas sub rege pio," "The pious king has got liberty under."
R. H. Barham,Life.
LANDLORD: He's only a genus.Glavis: A what?Landlord: A genus!—a man who can do everythingin life except anything that's useful—that's a genus.
Lord Lytton,The Lady of Lyons.
FIRST love is a pretty romance,But not half so sweet as 'tis reckoned;And when one wakes from the trance,There's a vast stock of bliss in the second.And e'en should a second subside,A lover should never despair;The world is uncommonly wide,And the women uncommonly fair.The poets their raptures may tell,Who have never been put to the test;A first love is all very well,But, believe me, the last love's the best.
Mr. Bernal.
I'VE nothing to say again' her piety, my dear; but I know very well I shouldn't like her to cook my victual. When a man comes in hungry an' tired, piety won't feed him, I reckon. Hard carrots 'ull lie heavy on his stomach, piety or no piety. It's right enough to be speritial—I'm no enemy to that; but I like my potatoes mealy.
Mrs. Linnet, inGeorge Eliot'sJanet's Repentance.
SOMEHOW, sitting cosily here,I think of the sunny summertide hours,When the what-do-you-call-'em warbles clear,And the breezes blow—likewise the flowers.
Once a Week.
ALAWYER'S brief will be brief, before a freethinker thinks freely.
Guesses at Truth.
JUXTAPOSITION, in fine; and what is juxtaposition?Look you, we travel along in the railway, carriage or steamer,And,pour passer le temps, till the tedious journey be ended,Lay aside paper or book, to talk to the girl who is next one;And,pour passer le temps, with the terminus all but in prospect,Talk of eternal ties and marriages made in heaven.
Claude, inClough'sAmours de Voyage.
WE measure the excellency of other men by some excellency we conceive to be in ourselves.
Selden,Table Talk.
OH! spare those Gardens where the leafy gladePrompts the proposal dalliance delayed;Where tear-dewed lids, choked utterance, sobs suppressed,Tear the confession from a doubting breast;Whence they, who vainly haunted rout and ride,Emerge triumphant from a suitor's side.
Alfred Austin,The Season.
THEY have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember one where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillow. I had night mares, of course.
C. F. Browne,Artemus Ward's Lecture.
THE man who would Charybdis shunMust make a cautious movement,Or else he'll into Scylla run—Which would be no improvement.The fish that left the frying-pan,On feeling that desire, sir,Took little by their change of plan,When floundering in the fire, sir.
Lord Neaves,Songs and Verses.
THE flattery which is most pleasing to really beautiful or decidedly ugly women is that which is addressed to the intellect.
Lord Chesterfield,Letters to his Son.
JOHNSON'S folly—to be candid—was a wild desire to treatEvery able male white citizen he met upon the street;And there being several thousand—but this subject why pursue?'Tis with Perkins, and not Johnson, that to-day we have to do.
Bret Harte,Complete Works.
GOOD little girls ought not to make mouths at their teachers for every trifling offence. This kind of retaliation should only be resorted to under peculiarly aggravating circumstances.
If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust, while one of your more fortunate little playmates has a costly china one, you should treat her with a show of kindness nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt to make a forcible swap with her, unless your conscience would justify you in it, and you know you are able to do it.
If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won't. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your better judgment.
Mark Twain,Choice Works.
WE count mankind, and keep our census still,We count the stars that populate the night;But who, with all his computation, canCon catty nations right?
R. H. Newell,Orpheus C. Kerr Papers.
ITHINK it was Jekyll who used to say that "the further he went West, the more convinced he was that the wise men did come from the East."
Sydney Smith,Life and Letters.
CE qui nous empêche souvent de nous abandonner à un seul vice est que nous en avons plusieurs.
La Rochefoucauld,Réflexions.
IHAVE observed that if people's vanity is pleased, they live well enough together. Offended vanity is the great separator.
Ellesmere, inHelps'sFriends in Council.
ON EDINBURGH.
POMPOUS the boast, and yet a truth it speaks:A "Modern Athens"—fit for modern Greeks.
James Hannay,Sketches and Characters.
LORD ANDOVER, a very fat man, was greatly plagued at a fancy bazaar to buy some trifle or other from the ladies' stalls. At length he rather rudely said, "I am like the Prodigal Son, persecuted by ladies." "No, no," retorted Mrs. ——, "say, rather, the fatted calf."
B. R. Haydon,Diary.
AQUIET conscience makes one so serene!Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded,That all the Apostles would have done as they did.
Lord Byron,Don Juan.
"WERE you born in wedlock?" asked a counsel of a witness. "No, sir, in Devonshire," was the reply.
Horace Smith,The Tin Trumpet.
EVANSON, in his "Dissonance of the Gospels," thinks Luke is most worthy of credence. P—— said that Evanson was aluke-warm Christian.
Crabb Robinson,Diary.
ONE FOR HIM.
READING the paper Laura sat,"Greenwichmeantime, mamma, what's that?""My love, it's when your stingy PaWon't take us to the Trafalgàr."
Shirley Brooks,Wit and Humour.
IWAS once as desperately in love as you are now. I adored, and was rejected. "You are in love with certain attributes," said the lady. "Damn your attributes, madam," said I; "I know nothing of attributes." "Sir," she said, with dignity, "you have been drinking." So we parted. She was married afterwards to another, who knew something about attributes, I suppose. I have seen her once, and only once. She had a baby in a yellow gown. I hate a baby in a yellow gown!
Berkley, inLongfellow'sHyperion.
AMAN has generally the good or ill qualities which he attributes to mankind.
Shenstone,Essays.
HOW doth the little crocodileImprove his shining tail,And pour the waters of the NileOn every shining scale!How cheerfully he seems to grin,How neatly spreads his claws,And welcomes little fishes inWith gently smiling jaws!
Lewis Carroll,Alice in Wonderland.
APROPOSof cutlets, I once called upon an old lady, who pressed me so urgently to stay and dine with her that, as I had no engagement, I could not refuse. On sitting down, the servant uncovered a dish which contained two mutton chops; and my old friend said, "Mr. Hook, you see your dinner." "Thank you, ma'am," said I; "but where is yours?"
Theodore Hook,apudPlanché.
IN all distresses of our friends,We first consult our private ends;While nature, kindly bent to ease us,Points out some circumstance to please us.
Swift,Verses on his own Death.
ON ne donne rien si libéralement que ses conseils.
La Rochefoucauld,Réflexions.
A NUTSHELL NOVEL.
FOR A MINIATURE MUDIE.
VOL. I.
AWINNING wile,A sunny smile,A feather:A tiny talk,A pleasant walk,Together!
VOL. II.
A playful pout,Capricious:A merry miss,A stolen kiss,Delicious!!
VOL. III.
You ask mamma,Consult papa,With pleasure:And both repentThis rash event,At leisure!!!
J. Ashby Sterry,Boudoir Ballads.
WOMAN consoles us, it is true, while we are young and handsome! When we are old and ugly, woman snubs and scolds us.
Lord Lytton,What will he do with it?
LA société est composée de deux grandes classes: ceux qui ont plus de dîners que d'appétit, et ceux qui ont plus d'appétit que de dîners.
Chamfort,Maximes.
HAS she wedded some gigantic shrimper,That sweet mite with whom I loved to play?Is she girt with babes that whine and whimper,That bright being who was always gay?Yes—she has at least a dozen wee things!Yes—I see her darning corduroys,Scouring floors, and setting out the tea-things,For a howling herd of hungry boys.
C. S. Calverley,Fly Leaves.
"YOU may report to your Government that the British youth of the present day, hot from the University, are very often prigs.""Most certainly I will," said Mr. Wog; "the last word, however, is one with which I am not acquainted.""It is an old English term for profound thinker," I replied.
L. Oliphant,Piccadilly.
WOMAN takes the lead in all the departments, leaving us politics only. While we are being amused by the ballot, woman is quietly taking things into her own hands.
C. D. Warner,My Summer in a Garden.
WOULD it were wind and wave alone!The terrors of the torrid zone,The indiscriminate cyclone,A man might parry;But only faith, or "triple brass,"Can help the "outward-bound" to passSafe through that eastward-faring classWho sail to marry.For him fond mothers, stout and fair,Ascend the tortuous cabin stairOnly to hold around his chairInsidious sessions;For him the eyes of daughters droopAcross the plate of handed soup,Suggesting seats upon the poop,And soft confessions.
Austin Dobson,Vignettes in Rhyme.
IT'S poor work allays settin' the dead above the livin'. It 'ud be better if folks 'ud make much of us beforehand, isted o' beginnin' when we're gone.
Mrs. Poyser, inGeorge Eliot'sAdam Bede.
THE authoress of the "Wild Irish Girl," Lady Morgan, justly proud of her gifted sister Olivia, was in the habit of addressing every new-comer with, "I must make you acquainted with my Livy." She once used this form of words to a gentleman who had just been worsted in an encounter of wits with the lady in question. "Yes, ma'am," was the reply; "I happen to know yourLivy, and I would to Heaven yourLivywasTacitus."
Lord Albemarle,Fifty Years of my Life.
"RISE with the lark, and with the lark to bed,"Observes some solemn, sentimental owl;Maxims like these are very cheaply said;But e'er you make yourself a fool or fowl,Pray just inquire about his rise and fall,And whether larks have any bed at all!The "time for honest folks to be in bed"Is in the morning, if I reason right;And he who cannot keep his precious headUpon its pillow till it's fairly light,And so enjoy his forty morning winks,Is up to knavery; or else—he drinks!
John Godfrey Saxe,Poems.
APOPULAR MAN.—One who is so boldly vulgar that the timidly vulgar admire him.
Anne Evans,Poems and Music.
WE can't for a certainty tellWhat mirth may molest us on Monday;But, at least, to begin the week well,Let us all be unhappy on Sunday.These gardens, their walks and green bowers,Might be free to the poor man for one day;But no, the glad plants and gay flowersMustn't bloom or smell sweetly on Sunday.Abroad we forbid folks to roamFor fear they get social or frisky;But of course they can sit still at home,And get dismally drunk upon whiskey.
Lord Neaves,Songs and Verses.
LA haine des faibles n'est pas si dangereuse que leur amitié.
Vauvenargues,Réflexions.
TO Matthew Arnold we must go to put us in the right, sir,About his elevating scheme of "sweetness" and of "light," sir,Which some folks say will one fine day achieve a marked ascendancy,Though "Providence" it waters down into a "stream of tendency."
F. D., inPall Mall Gazette.
CHAMBERMAIDS use up more hair-oil than any six men. If charged with purloining the same, they lie about it. What do they care about a hereafter? Absolutely nothing.
Mark Twain,Choice Works.
WHEN sorely tempted to purloinYourpietàof Marc Antoine,Fair virtue doth fair play enjoin,Fair Virtuoso!
Frederick Locker,London Lyrics.
NO man can be wise on an empty stomach.
Bartle Massey, inGeorge Eliot'sAdam Bede.
ALL tragedies are finished by a death,All comedies are ended by a marriage;The future states of both are left to faith,For authors fear description might disparageThe worlds to come of both, or fall beneath.
Lord Byron,Don Juan.
THE Bailli de Ferrette was always dressed in knee-breeches, with a cocked hat and sword, the slender proportions of which greatly resembled those of his legs. "Do tell me, my dear Bailli," said Montrond one day, "have you got three legs or three swords?"
Gronow,Recollections.
AMEXICAN lady's hair never curls—it's as straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl under any circumstances. My hair won't curl under two shillings.
C. F. Browne,Artemus Ward's Lecture.
I'VE read the poets of our land,Who sing of beauty and of love,Who rave about a dimpled hand,And write sweet sonnets on a glove.But sweeter far than maiden's kiss,And fairer far than Jouvin's best,Is one red-labelled quart, I wis,With Bass's well-known mark imprest.And years may come, and years may go,And fortune change as fortune will,But may my Burton fountain flow,In shade and sunshine clearly still,And till life's night is closing grey,My heart shall ever hold most dearThe liquor that I sing to-day—My childhood's friend! my Bass's beer!
H. Savile Clarke.
WOMEN are much more like each other than men; they have, in truth, but two passions: vanity and love: these are their universal characteristics.
Lord Chesterfield,Letters to his Son.
"AFTER all, are not women necessary to your happiness?""Alas!" sighed Maximilian, "it is but too true. But women have unfortunately only one way of making us happy, whilst they have thirty thousand different modes of rendering us miserable."
Heinrich Heine,The Florentine Nights.
ILOVE you! ay! it seems absurd,Altho' to prove it I was sedulous;Theinkisblackthat writes the word,Yet you will read it allinc-red-ulous.Where was my sense, once so acute,To dream myself a hopeful suitor?I should have been much moreastute;I came to you, you know,as tutor!My passion on an instant grew—(Spontaneous love is scarce a crime!).How swift those early minutes flew!And,oddto say, 'twaseven-time!Maddened with love, I penned a note,And placed it where 'twould catch your sight;Alas for me! but when Iwrote,Of course I thought that Idid right!
Robert Reece, inComic Poets.
THE most dreadful thing against women is the character of the men that praise them.
Lady Ashburton,apudLord Houghton.
THERE'S one Thomas Buckle, a London youth,Who taught that the world was blindTill he was born to proclaim the truth,That matter is moulder of mind;But I really can't fancy at allHow wheat, rice, and barley,Made Dick, Tom, and CharlieSo tidy and trim,Without help from HimWho was preached both by Plato and Paul.
J. S. Blackie,Musa Burschicosa.
SHERIDAN'S answer to Lord Lauderdale was excellent, on the latter saying he would repeat some good thing I had mentioned to him: "Pray don't, my dear Lauderdale; a joke in your mouth is no laughing matter."
Thomas Moore,Diary.
DO you know why the rabbits are caught in the snare,Or the tabby cat's shot on the tiles?Why the tigers and lions creep out of their lair?Why an ostrich will travel for miles?Do you know why a sane man will whimper and cry,And weep o'er a ribbon or glove?Why a cook will put sugar for salt in a pie?Do you know? Well, I'll tell you—it's Love.
Flapper, inH. P. Stephens'sBillee Taylor.
IREMEMBER Curran once—in an action for breach of promise of marriage, in which he was counsel for the defendant, a young clergyman—thus appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat of you not to ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict, for though he has talents, and is in the Church, he may rise!"
Phillips,Life of Curran.
THERE are female women, and there are male women.
Charles Buxton,Notes of Thought.
IOWN fair faces not more fairIn Ettrick than in Portman Square,And silly danglers just as sillyIn Sherwood, as in Piccadilly.
W. M. Praed.
IHEARD an anecdote at Oxford, of a porter encountering on his rounds two undergraduates, who were without their gowns, or out of bounds, or out of hours. He challenged one: "Your name and college?" They were given. Turning to the other: "And pray, sir, what might your name be?" "Julius Cæsar," was the reply. "What, sir, do you mean to say your name is Julius Cæsar?" "Sir, you did not ask me what it is, but what itmightbe."
W. H. Harrison,Reminiscences.
IALWAYS can tell aPreoccupied man by his tumbled umbrella.
Lady Matilda, inG. O. Trevelyan'sLadiesin Parliament.
TALKING of Doctor [Parr's] illegible manuscript, "Ay," said [Basil Montagu], "his letters are illegible, except they contain a commission or an announcement that he is coming to see you, and then no man can write plainer."
Miss Mitford,Life and Letters.
INEVER nursed a dear gazelle;But I was given a parroquet—(How I did nurse him if unwell!)He's imbecile, but lingers yet.He's green, with an enchanting tuft;He melts me with his small black eye;He'd look inimitable stuff'd,And knows it—but he will not die!
C. S. Calverley,Fly Leaves.
SOME reformer was clamouring for the expulsion of the Bishops from the House of Lords, but said he would not have them all go; he would leave two. "To keep up the breed, I suppose," said Alvanley.
Charles Greville,Diary.
YOU women regard men just as you buy books—you never care about what is in them, but how they are bound and lettered.
Damas, inLord Lytton'sLady of Lyons.
EPITAPH ON LORD L——.
HERE lies L.'s body, from his soul asunder:He once was on the turf, and now isunder.
Scrope Davies,apudMoore.
A SUITABLE BRIDE.
MY friend Admiral E. E., shortly after his return from a cruise, met an old acquaintance in the streets of ——, who said, after the usual salutations had passed, "They telt me, Admiral, that ye had got married." The Admiral, hoping for a compliment, replied, "Why, Bailie, I am getting on; I'm not so young as I was, you see, and none of the girls will have me." On which the Bailie, with perfect good faith and simplicity, replied, "'Deed, Admiral, I was na evenin' yer to a lassie, but there's mony a fine, respeckit,half-wornwumman wad be glad to tak ye."
Frederick Locker,Patchwork.
ON THE WORKS OF THE LAKE POETS.
THEY come from the Lakes—an appropriate quarterFor poems diluted with plenty of water.
Rev. Henry Townshend.
AND I whispered, "I guessThe sweet secret thou keepest,And the dainty distressThat thou wistfully weepest;And the question is, 'Licence or banns?' though undoubtedly banns are the cheapest."Then her white hand I clasped,And with kisses I crowned it.But she glared and she gasped,And she muttered, "Confound it!"Or at least it was something like that, but the noise of the omnibus drowned it.
Lewis Carroll,Phantasmagoria.
IT was Lady Cork who had originated the idea that, after all, heaven would perhaps turn out very dull to herwhen she got there; sitting on damp clouds, andsinging "God save the King,"being her idea of the principal amusements there.
Fanny Kemble,Record of a Girlhood.
ON FEMININE TALKATIVENESS.
HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow!For how could she be shaved, whate'er the skill,Whose tongue would never let her chin be still?
Anon.
WHEN Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to receive his honorary degree of D.C.L., his locks hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders, dishevelled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was heard crying out to him, "Did your mother call you early, dear?"
J. C. Young,Diary.
"HA! HA!" he said, "you loathe your ways,You writhe at these my words of warning,In agony your hands you raise!"(And so they did, for they were yawning.)"Ho! ho!" he cries, "you bow your crests—My eloquence has set you weeping;In shame you bend upon your breasts!"(And so they did, for they were sleeping.)
W. S. Gilbert,Bab Ballads.
YOU may safely flatter any woman, from her understanding down to the exquisite taste of her fan.
Lord Chesterfield,Letters to his Son.
ON LADIES' ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
YOUR dressing, dancing, gadding, where's the good in?Sweet lady, tell me—can you make a pudding?
Epigrams in Distich.
LORD BRAXFIELD, at whist, exclaimed to a lady with whom he was playing, "What are ye doing, ye damned auld ——?" and then, recollecting himself, "Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for my ain wife."
Lord Macaulay,Life.
THEN life was thornless to our ken,And, Bramble-Rise, thy hills were thenA rise without a bramble.
Frederick Locker,London Lyrics.
JOHN HAMILTON REYNOLDS was specially distinguished for the aptness of his quotations. Finding him one day lunching at the Garrick, I asked him if the beef he was eating was good. "It would have been," he answered, "if damned custom had notbrazedit so."
J. R. Planché,Recollections.
WHILE spending an evening at [Mendelssohn's] house, a note, with a ticket enclosed, was put in my hands. The note ran thus: "The Directors of the Leipzig Concerts beg leave to present to Mr.Shurelya ticket of the concert of to-morrow." Whereupon Mendelssohn ran to the pianoforte, and immediately began to play the subject from the chorus of the "Messiah," "Surelyhe hath borne," etc.
H. F. Chorley,Life.
FHAIRSHON had a son,Who married Noah's daughter,And nearly spoilt ta flood,By trinking up ta water:Which he would have done,I at least believe it,Had ta mixture peenOnly half Glenlivet.
Bon Gaultier Ballads.
AFTER the execution of the eighteen malefactors [in 1787], a female was bawling an account of them, but called them nineteen. A gentleman said to her, "Why do you say nineteen? There were but eighteen hanged." She replied, "Sir, I did not know you had been reprieved."
Horace Walpole,Correspondence.
ON THE MARRIAGE OF JOB WALL AND MARY BEST.
JOB, wanting a partner, thought he'd be blest,If, of all womankind, he selected the Best;For, said he, of all evils that compass the globe,A bad wife would most try the patience of Job.The Best, then, he chose, and made bone of his bone,Though 'twas clear to his friends she'd be Best left alone;For, though Best of her sex, she's the weakest of all,If it's true that the weakest must go to the Wall.
Hicks,apudJ. C. Young.
LA vertu des femmes est peut-être une question du tempérament.
Balzac,Physiologie du Mariage.
ON ONE STEALING A POUND OF CANDLES.
LIGHT-FINGERED Catch, to keep his hands in ure,Stole anything,—of this you may be sure,That he thinks all his own that once he handles,—For practice' sake did steal a pound of candles;Was taken in the act:—oh, foolish wight!To steal such things as needs must come to light!
A Collection of Epigrams(1727).
AT Hook's, one day the conversation turned on the Duke of Cumberland, and a question asked who he married. "Don't you know?" said Cannon; "the Princess dePsalms(Salms),—good enough forHymn(him)."
W. Jerdan,Memoirs.
FOR me, I neither know nor careWhether a parson ought to wearA black dress or a white dress;Fill'd with a trouble of my own—A wife who preaches in her gown,And lectures in her night-dress!
Thomas Hood.
MADAME DE —— having said, in her intense style, "I should like to be married inEnglish, in a language in which vows are so faithfully kept," some one asked Frere, "What language, I wonder, wasshemarried in?" "BrokenEnglish, I suppose," answered Frere.
Thomas Moore,Diary.
YOUR magpies and stock-doves may flirt among trees,And chatter their transports in groves, if they please;But a house is much more to my taste than a tree,And for groves, O! a good grove of chimneys for me.
Charles Morris,Lyra Urbanica.
AGAIN they asked me to marry them, and again I declined, when they cried,—"Oh, cruel man! This is too much—too much!" I told them that it was on account of the muchness that I declined.
C. F. Browne,Artemus Ward's Lecture.
ON one of the country gentlemen saying in Parliament, "We must return to the food of our ancestors," somebody asked, "What food does he mean?" "Thistles, I suppose," said Tierney.
Thomas Moore,Diary.
MAIDENS then were innocent,Blushing at a compliment,Or a gaze.But a blush a vanish'd grace is,For young ladies paint their facesNow-a-days,Black their eyelids till they stare,Wash with soda, till their hairLooks like maize;'Tis the fashion to be blondeÀ la mode du demi-mondeNow-a-days.