‘What about the Babes in the Wood?’ yelled Blitherington with his most aggravating smile, as Muriel peered round the corner.
‘Oh! they haven’t arrived yet,’ she replied, ‘but what do you mean?’
Unfortunately this mystery was never cleared up, as Blithers returned to the family circle and was busily engaged in feeding Jacob on chocolate creams, which the faithful animal, to employ a euphemism, soon contrived to unswallow in a secluded portion of the meadow.
As I turned to help Mrs. Accrington, who was most usefully employed in showing an awkward squad how to wash dishes, a voice behind me murmured,
‘Oh, Mr. Cochrane, please take me somewhere and give me a cigarette, I simply daren’t smoke before the Dowager.’
Personally I always affect a certain brand of leaf-covered invention known to the trade as cigarillos, but I obtained a supply of thin gold-tipped cigarettes from Reggie, who always keeps a selection of strange apparatus in his cigarette-case.
As we climbed over a gate and sat down behind the nearest hedge Mrs. Lomond remarked, ‘Good boy, Reggie, I met him when I was out at Cannes for the Ladies golf matches; he did everything for me except sign my card.’
‘He’s a born organizer,’ I said; ‘the anti-dons campaign that he arranged in Cecil’s prospered as no such enterprise has ever done before, and he doped the porter so successfully that the only name found on his black book next morning was that of an inoffensive Scholar who was visiting a sick aunt in Penzance.’
‘I wish,’ she said, ‘that you and he would come up to town next week, and help me run our theatricals at the “Regality” in aid of the “Home for Helpless Hairdressers;” it’s bound to be a great success, the Duke is coming at half-time, and I’ll introduce you to some of the prettiest girls. If you like to wear an apron and carry a shaving brush in your hand you might even sell programmes,’ she added with the air of one who makes a great concession.
‘That’s all right for me,’ I put in, ‘but don’t you thinkthat Reggie’s heart is full enough already, and yet stay,’ I added, ‘there is still room for a few more in bin twenty-three.’
‘How much do you expect to clear,’ I asked her after a short pause.
‘O several thousand,’ she said cheerfully. ‘You see the Duchess of Dopingburgh is kissing all comers at half-a-crown a time, and Violet MacNeill is going to serve at the American bar. But I think we’d better be going back,’ she added, ‘if we don’t want to be left here for the night.’
As we regained the scene of the orgy, Freddy gathered up all the remaining cloths and thrust them into a small trunk, while Mr. Accrington sat upon it and tried to turn the lock without much success.
‘There they are,’ cried Blithers as we appeared, ‘now let’s be going.’
‘What punt are you going in, Ophelia?’ Freddy enquired.
‘Oh, I’ll go in the most aggressive one,’ Miss Bugg replied with a pleasant smile, ‘I’m all for going fast.’
And so we embarked in a most amiable mood. The return journey was more or less uneventful, though my conversation with Violet MacNeill was quite the reverse. The unfortunate de Beresford who punted us down must have had a very poor time, for Blithers and Mrs. Lomond were much too busily engaged to pay any attention to him.
As we proceeded up the Broad Walk Mrs. Accringtonsidled up to me and enquired with evident anxiety, ‘How do you think Steve is getting on with his work? he writes us such cheering letters, but we saw Mr. Yelland to-day and he seemed most despondent.’
‘O the Yelper is always a Job’s Comforter, Mrs. Accrington,’ I said, ‘besides poor old Stephen’s quite a model worker.’
This seemed to satisfy the anxious parent, and I guided the conversation into less dangerous channels. Before the various families split up we made arrangements for a round of sight seeing on the following day, which was to finish with the James’ Ball. On the morrow all my time was taken up with an old friend of the family who had come down for the day, and I had to undergo all the sufferings of a hired guide round Oxford who doesn’t know his subject well. I contrived however to send her off soon after tea, and gained comparative rest by a couple of hours’ bridge in Farmborough’s rooms. We all dined with Mr. Accrington at the Hyde, and started about 9.0 for the ball, gathering the famille Blitherington as we passed their hotel. After introducing as many people as possible to all the girls, I completely lost track of the party till about supper-time, being mostly engaged with my No. 1. girl from Somerville who is a very cheery little body but suffers from worker’s conscience, a most distressing weakness which prevents me seeing very much of her except at occasional dances. A ball at Oxford is a wonderfully pretty sight, and well calculated to impress anybody seeingone for the first time. All the men and the girls are young and fresh, and there is a complete absence of the doddering old men and young women of fifty who give a sad tone to big dances in London and elsewhere. The handsome quads of James’ were most artistically lighted with myriads of fairy lights and Chinese lanterns, and the beautiful old-world gardens twinkled, though not too brightly, with wonderful devices in red and yellow. Supper was laid in the fine hall of the College and I secured two seats for Muriel and myself under a famous Archbishop who has been dead for over three hundred years, and beside Blithers and Mrs. Lomond, who were very much alive.
‘Martha,’ said Blitherington, as I sat down, ‘try some of this fizz, it’s quite innocuous.’
‘What is it,’ I said, ‘Robinson pere et fils?’
‘O no,’ he replied, ‘it’s one of the non-poisonous varieties this time.’
However, Blitherington was apparently at fault, for I heard a warning voice behind me saying, ‘I wouldn’t try none o’ that, if I was you, sir,’ and I turned to see our old scout Webster who had apparently been imported for the evening, ‘There’s somethin’ hin the Buttery as might suit you, sir,’ he added. ‘There’s honly heighteen bottles been hordered an them for the Committee, but I dessay as ’ow I can get yer two.’
I clearly saw that this meant a Christmas-box to Webster, but readily assented as one always does on such occasions, and the two bottles were speedily forthcoming.
After supper I had a peaceful waltz with Miss Accrington; and subsequently conducted Miss MacNeill to a dark staircase in the second Quad.
‘It seems to me,’ she remarked after we had mounted a flight and settled ourselves in someone’s rooms, ‘It seems to me that the world is about equally divided between the loved and the unloved, and the great thing is to avoid being in the second class.’
‘Well, of course we know which lot you’re in,’ I replied quickly.
‘That’s very nice of you, Marth—, I mean Mr. Cochrane, but I was just thinking of the terrible number of girls who go through all this kind of thing and linger on to become sour old maids.’
Although at that particular moment I happened to be holding Miss MacNeill’s hand in order to keep it warm, it is quite impossible that that could have been any reason for her squeezing it affectionately, and sighing softly; however, it was very stimulating, and I went on to say,
‘I believe the proportion of men to women in the world is about two to three, even including black men, and I’m sure you wouldn’t marry a Fijian or a Sandwichman.’
‘Oh, why not,’ she put in, ‘I think a Pacific islander would make such a desirable husband. You’d know such a lot about him before your marriage.’
‘Whatever do you mean, Violet?’ I asked.
‘On, no,’ she said, ‘I only mean that on a little coralisland everybody would be sure to know all about their neighbours, so that you wouldn’t be likely to get hold of a post-nuptial surprise packet, and anyhow, he’d be bound to be Pacific.’
It was at this precise moment that Feltham, the owner of the rooms and a distant cousin of mine, arrived and remarked apologetically, ‘I’m awfully sorry that there’s only that one chair in the room, but the fact is they’ve commandeered all my best for the Ladies’ Cloaker at the bottom of the staircase—’, but here I noticed that Violet had departed with unusual shyness, and so I too withdrew hastily, leaving the owner surveying his apartment with a puzzled expression.
As I reached the Quad a soft little hand was linked in to my arm, and Violet enquired anxiously, ‘Do you think he thought anything?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied, ‘he couldn’t have, besides he wouldn’t say anything if he did.’
‘Oh, all right, take me to get an ice, will you, Frank,’ she said shyly, ‘it was so awfully hot up there, wasn’t it?’
I satisfied the fair lady with a marvellous icy rose with vanilla petals and strawberry leaves in a little white frilling of Japanese paper, and soon afterwards found myself dancing a most energetic set of lancers with Maisie.
As we were leaving the floor after it was over, Maisie said to me with a bewitching smile, ‘Have you found my cosy corner?’
‘I don’t see how anybody could find one with so many people about,’ I very naturally responded.
‘O yes you can,’ she said, ‘come along, I’ll soon show it you.’ And she guided me to a most beautiful arbour in the garden, where we watched the mysterious romantic world outside crawling in and out among the countless little red lights like a scene out of some worm and fire-fly carnival.
‘Here it is,’ she said as she settled herself carefully and with an eye to effect. I should always have thought that Maisie would have been rather a careless girl, but you ought never to attempt to judge women till you have seen a good deal of them; and even then you are apt to be a bit previous.
I enjoyed myself immensely, and Maisie’s behaviour was most improper, in fact I don’t know what her Aunt would have said, for she consumed three cigarettes.
However, all good things must come to an end, and after wasting two waltzes and a barn-dance on me, Maisie said that we really must return to the Ball-tent.
This was the first Quad, which had been entirely roofed over, and a beautifully swung floor put in, while all the passages and archways were carpeted and the grim old walls hung with flags and festooned draperies of the James’ colours.
Lady Blitherington had enjoyed her evening, for the Bursar of James’ was a former tutor in her family and had behaved like a hero to her and Ophelia throughoutthe dance; as the Bugg said to me on our way home: ‘It was one of the most absorbent evenings I have ever spent.’
After Freddy and I had seen the old ladies back to the Granville we returned to James’ for the photo, which was taken in the second Quad by three separate photographers, who spent about twenty minutes over preliminaries and only as many seconds over the actual operation.
It had long been daylight when I regained our digs and crept quietly into my room without awaking the Pilot or Reggie, not that either of them deserved any consideration, for the Pilot who sleeps next to me snores like a foghorn, while Reggie very frequently returns from town by the Dons’ lubricator about two a.m. and makes enough noise to stampede a herd of wild bulls.
Tired as everyone must have been, we were all up by 12, and saw the Accringtons off for Manchester, being especially dismal on saying farewell to the charming Sybil.
There was a general move again in the afternoon, when the Dowager and her party left for town by the 4.20, only leaving behind Blitherington who, on hearing that Mrs. Lomond did not go till Wednesday, refused to budge. Miss Bugg’s last remark to the effect that ‘her head was going round like one of those aerated fans,’ failed to raise even a smile from Reggie.
The Dowager extended a cordial invitation to all of us to visit her in town, which was seconded warmly inmy case by Maisie, on whom I flatter myself—but no I won’t say what I thought, lest I be accused of vanity, besides there is Sybil as well.
It seemed, as the Pilot remarked, very dull after they had all gone; and the horrible flirtation carried on by Mrs. Lomond and her admirer failed to arouse us from the depths of despondency, only partially lightened by Cecil’s doing its fourth bump on Wednesday afternoon, and the prospect of what Reggie called a ‘roaring old bump-supper.’ Perhaps, as Squiff said, when I suddenly discovered my Finals to be only two weeks distant, ‘If you have your fun you must expect to pay for it.’ So I consider a drop from a possible second in Law to a certain third was not expensive.
OXFORDBURROWS AND DOE, PRINTERSTHE HOLYWELL PRESS