SCENE II.A Plain Chamber.EnterDerric Van Slaus.46[pg 048]Derric.Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.Herman.[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?Derric.What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!EnterHerman.Derric.Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?Herman.You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.Derric.Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.Herman.Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?Derric.Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.Herman.He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.Derric.What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?Herman.Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?[pg 049]Derric.Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.Herman.'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.Derric.Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.Herman.[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.Footnotes46.“andHerman”in K. The scene, which is different, runs as follows:Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.Herman.And from which I will save you.Derric.You?Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.Derric.His daughter?Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.Derric.What do you mean?Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.Derric.And in what way can that affect us?Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.Derric.What is that contract?Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.Derric.You amaze me, I—Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]SCENE III.Rip'sCottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.Knickerbockerenters cautiously.Knickerbocker.Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.EnterAlice.47Alice.[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48Knickerbocker.[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49[pg 050]Alice.No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50Knickerbocker.This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—[Kneeling.Dame.[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.Knickerbocker.The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?Alice.If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?Knickerbocker.That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.Alice.Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.Knickerbocker.It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.Dameenters, dragging inRip.Dame.And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?Rip.Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?Dame.Where's all the game you were to bring home?Rip.On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.Dame.My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?Rip.I don't know.—Do you?Dame.You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.[pg 051]Rip.Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.Dame.To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.Rip.Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.Dame.And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!Rip.Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57Dame.Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith![Exit withAlice.Rip.[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.Music.—Ripopens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads onKnickerbocker,who roars out lustily.Rip,in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.Rip.Help! murder! fire! thieves!Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62,darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice,entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dameenters, alarmed.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?[pg 052]Rip.[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.Dame.In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.Dame.Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!Rip.Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.Dame.I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.Rip.[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.Rip.Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.Alice.[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?Rip.I'll go to bed and [think]68.[Crosses.Dame.You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.AsDameretires, she meetsDerric69to whom she curtseys.Derric.Good evening, Dame.Dame.Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.Rip.[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.Alice.[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.Derric.Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?Rip.Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.Derric.Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.Rip.Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—Derric.To write the receipt: certainly.Rip.Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73Derric.We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.Rip.Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.Derric.You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74Rip.Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.Derric.He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.Rip.Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.Derric.No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.Rip.Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.Derric.Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.Rip.Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?Derric.Merely sign your name.Rip.Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88Derric.But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.Rip.Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91Derric.[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.Rip.Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.Derric.Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.[pg 055]Rip.I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.Derric.There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”Rip.Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?Derric.Sign it!Rip.Wass?Derric.Sign!Rip.Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.Derric.And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.Rip.Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.Derric.Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.Rip.Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.Derric.No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.Rip.Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99EnterAlice.Rip.Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.[pg 056]Aliceadvances, and brings onKnickerbockerfrom the closet.Alice.So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.Knickerbocker.Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.Alice.It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!Knickerbocker.I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.Alice.[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.Knickerbocker.With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104Alice.'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.Dameenters.Dame.[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?Alice.The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.Dame.The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.Knickerbocker.[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.[pg 057]Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.Knickerbocker.Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]108—and disappears.—Damerushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alicelaughs.Dame.What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.Footnotes47.“speaking off, to the child,”in K.48.Not in K.49.Not in K.50.Not in K. Instead,“he is so handsome, his figure is so elegant.”51.Not in K.52.Not in K.53.“mein”in K.54.“Ve'll”in K.55.“bate”in K.56.“broken”in K. Also add“by your knocks.”57.Not in K.58.“Tonner”in K.59.“tink”in K.60.“finish”in K.61.“crockery”in K.62.Not in K.63.Not in K.64.“der tyfil's”in K.65.“brivate”in K.66.“goot-hell”in K.67.“brosber”in K.68.“tink”in K.69.“entering”inserted, in K.70.“I vork”in K.71.“bit-and-bat”in K.72.“goot”in K.73.“bersbiration”in K.74.Not in K.75.“vild”and“tog”in K.76.Not in K.77.Not in K.78.Not in K.79.Not in K.80.“bardon”in K.81.Not in K.82.Not in K.83.“uncommon”in K.84.“him”in K.85.“Mynheer”in K.86.“boot”and“baber”in K.87.“freund”in K.88.In K.“S—ss cat! be quiet wid you!”.89.“Stob”and“vould”in K.90.“der tyfil”in K.91.In K.“S—s cat! you be quiet, or I will skin you as my vife skins me.”92.K. adds,“I will take care to get him so completely in my power that he shall not dare, however he might desire it, to avail himself of the power which that addition to the contract will give him.”93.In K., the line reads.“S—s cat! I vill cut off your tail.”94.“Schneider”in K.95.“dat ist”in K; also“Mynheer.”96.“baber”in K.97.“bocket”in K.98.“Mynheer”in K.99.Not in K.100.“bar-bar-tick-bartickler”in K.101.K. has also:Alice.She wont believe it.Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.102.Not in K.103.In K, only“But, never mind.”104.Not in K.105.Not in K.106.Not in K.107.Not in K.108.Not in K.
SCENE II.A Plain Chamber.EnterDerric Van Slaus.46[pg 048]Derric.Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.Herman.[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?Derric.What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!EnterHerman.Derric.Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?Herman.You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.Derric.Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.Herman.Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?Derric.Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.Herman.He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.Derric.What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?Herman.Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?[pg 049]Derric.Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.Herman.'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.Derric.Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.Herman.[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.Footnotes46.“andHerman”in K. The scene, which is different, runs as follows:Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.Herman.And from which I will save you.Derric.You?Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.Derric.His daughter?Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.Derric.What do you mean?Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.Derric.And in what way can that affect us?Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.Derric.What is that contract?Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.Derric.You amaze me, I—Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]SCENE III.Rip'sCottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.Knickerbockerenters cautiously.Knickerbocker.Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.EnterAlice.47Alice.[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48Knickerbocker.[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49[pg 050]Alice.No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50Knickerbocker.This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—[Kneeling.Dame.[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.Knickerbocker.The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?Alice.If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?Knickerbocker.That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.Alice.Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.Knickerbocker.It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.Dameenters, dragging inRip.Dame.And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?Rip.Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?Dame.Where's all the game you were to bring home?Rip.On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.Dame.My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?Rip.I don't know.—Do you?Dame.You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.[pg 051]Rip.Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.Dame.To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.Rip.Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.Dame.And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!Rip.Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57Dame.Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith![Exit withAlice.Rip.[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.Music.—Ripopens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads onKnickerbocker,who roars out lustily.Rip,in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.Rip.Help! murder! fire! thieves!Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62,darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice,entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dameenters, alarmed.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?[pg 052]Rip.[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.Dame.In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.Dame.Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!Rip.Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.Dame.I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.Rip.[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.Rip.Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.Alice.[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?Rip.I'll go to bed and [think]68.[Crosses.Dame.You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.AsDameretires, she meetsDerric69to whom she curtseys.Derric.Good evening, Dame.Dame.Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.Rip.[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.Alice.[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.Derric.Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?Rip.Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.Derric.Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.Rip.Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—Derric.To write the receipt: certainly.Rip.Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73Derric.We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.Rip.Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.Derric.You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74Rip.Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.Derric.He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.Rip.Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.Derric.No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.Rip.Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.Derric.Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.Rip.Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?Derric.Merely sign your name.Rip.Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88Derric.But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.Rip.Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91Derric.[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.Rip.Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.Derric.Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.[pg 055]Rip.I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.Derric.There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”Rip.Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?Derric.Sign it!Rip.Wass?Derric.Sign!Rip.Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.Derric.And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.Rip.Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.Derric.Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.Rip.Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.Derric.No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.Rip.Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99EnterAlice.Rip.Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.[pg 056]Aliceadvances, and brings onKnickerbockerfrom the closet.Alice.So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.Knickerbocker.Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.Alice.It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!Knickerbocker.I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.Alice.[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.Knickerbocker.With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104Alice.'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.Dameenters.Dame.[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?Alice.The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.Dame.The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.Knickerbocker.[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.[pg 057]Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.Knickerbocker.Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]108—and disappears.—Damerushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alicelaughs.Dame.What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.Footnotes47.“speaking off, to the child,”in K.48.Not in K.49.Not in K.50.Not in K. Instead,“he is so handsome, his figure is so elegant.”51.Not in K.52.Not in K.53.“mein”in K.54.“Ve'll”in K.55.“bate”in K.56.“broken”in K. Also add“by your knocks.”57.Not in K.58.“Tonner”in K.59.“tink”in K.60.“finish”in K.61.“crockery”in K.62.Not in K.63.Not in K.64.“der tyfil's”in K.65.“brivate”in K.66.“goot-hell”in K.67.“brosber”in K.68.“tink”in K.69.“entering”inserted, in K.70.“I vork”in K.71.“bit-and-bat”in K.72.“goot”in K.73.“bersbiration”in K.74.Not in K.75.“vild”and“tog”in K.76.Not in K.77.Not in K.78.Not in K.79.Not in K.80.“bardon”in K.81.Not in K.82.Not in K.83.“uncommon”in K.84.“him”in K.85.“Mynheer”in K.86.“boot”and“baber”in K.87.“freund”in K.88.In K.“S—ss cat! be quiet wid you!”.89.“Stob”and“vould”in K.90.“der tyfil”in K.91.In K.“S—s cat! you be quiet, or I will skin you as my vife skins me.”92.K. adds,“I will take care to get him so completely in my power that he shall not dare, however he might desire it, to avail himself of the power which that addition to the contract will give him.”93.In K., the line reads.“S—s cat! I vill cut off your tail.”94.“Schneider”in K.95.“dat ist”in K; also“Mynheer.”96.“baber”in K.97.“bocket”in K.98.“Mynheer”in K.99.Not in K.100.“bar-bar-tick-bartickler”in K.101.K. has also:Alice.She wont believe it.Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.102.Not in K.103.In K, only“But, never mind.”104.Not in K.105.Not in K.106.Not in K.107.Not in K.108.Not in K.
SCENE II.A Plain Chamber.EnterDerric Van Slaus.46[pg 048]Derric.Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.Herman.[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?Derric.What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!EnterHerman.Derric.Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?Herman.You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.Derric.Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.Herman.Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?Derric.Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.Herman.He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.Derric.What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?Herman.Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?[pg 049]Derric.Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.Herman.'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.Derric.Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.Herman.[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.Footnotes46.“andHerman”in K. The scene, which is different, runs as follows:Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.Herman.And from which I will save you.Derric.You?Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.Derric.His daughter?Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.Derric.What do you mean?Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.Derric.And in what way can that affect us?Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.Derric.What is that contract?Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.Derric.You amaze me, I—Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]SCENE III.Rip'sCottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.Knickerbockerenters cautiously.Knickerbocker.Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.EnterAlice.47Alice.[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48Knickerbocker.[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49[pg 050]Alice.No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50Knickerbocker.This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—[Kneeling.Dame.[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.Knickerbocker.The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?Alice.If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?Knickerbocker.That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.Alice.Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.Knickerbocker.It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.Dameenters, dragging inRip.Dame.And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?Rip.Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?Dame.Where's all the game you were to bring home?Rip.On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.Dame.My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?Rip.I don't know.—Do you?Dame.You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.[pg 051]Rip.Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.Dame.To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.Rip.Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.Dame.And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!Rip.Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57Dame.Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith![Exit withAlice.Rip.[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.Music.—Ripopens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads onKnickerbocker,who roars out lustily.Rip,in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.Rip.Help! murder! fire! thieves!Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62,darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice,entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dameenters, alarmed.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?[pg 052]Rip.[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.Dame.In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.Dame.Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!Rip.Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.Dame.I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.Rip.[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.Rip.Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.Alice.[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?Rip.I'll go to bed and [think]68.[Crosses.Dame.You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.AsDameretires, she meetsDerric69to whom she curtseys.Derric.Good evening, Dame.Dame.Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.Rip.[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.Alice.[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.Derric.Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?Rip.Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.Derric.Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.Rip.Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—Derric.To write the receipt: certainly.Rip.Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73Derric.We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.Rip.Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.Derric.You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74Rip.Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.Derric.He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.Rip.Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.Derric.No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.Rip.Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.Derric.Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.Rip.Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?Derric.Merely sign your name.Rip.Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88Derric.But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.Rip.Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91Derric.[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.Rip.Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.Derric.Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.[pg 055]Rip.I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.Derric.There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”Rip.Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?Derric.Sign it!Rip.Wass?Derric.Sign!Rip.Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.Derric.And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.Rip.Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.Derric.Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.Rip.Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.Derric.No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.Rip.Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99EnterAlice.Rip.Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.[pg 056]Aliceadvances, and brings onKnickerbockerfrom the closet.Alice.So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.Knickerbocker.Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.Alice.It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!Knickerbocker.I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.Alice.[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.Knickerbocker.With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104Alice.'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.Dameenters.Dame.[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?Alice.The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.Dame.The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.Knickerbocker.[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.[pg 057]Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.Knickerbocker.Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]108—and disappears.—Damerushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alicelaughs.Dame.What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.Footnotes47.“speaking off, to the child,”in K.48.Not in K.49.Not in K.50.Not in K. Instead,“he is so handsome, his figure is so elegant.”51.Not in K.52.Not in K.53.“mein”in K.54.“Ve'll”in K.55.“bate”in K.56.“broken”in K. Also add“by your knocks.”57.Not in K.58.“Tonner”in K.59.“tink”in K.60.“finish”in K.61.“crockery”in K.62.Not in K.63.Not in K.64.“der tyfil's”in K.65.“brivate”in K.66.“goot-hell”in K.67.“brosber”in K.68.“tink”in K.69.“entering”inserted, in K.70.“I vork”in K.71.“bit-and-bat”in K.72.“goot”in K.73.“bersbiration”in K.74.Not in K.75.“vild”and“tog”in K.76.Not in K.77.Not in K.78.Not in K.79.Not in K.80.“bardon”in K.81.Not in K.82.Not in K.83.“uncommon”in K.84.“him”in K.85.“Mynheer”in K.86.“boot”and“baber”in K.87.“freund”in K.88.In K.“S—ss cat! be quiet wid you!”.89.“Stob”and“vould”in K.90.“der tyfil”in K.91.In K.“S—s cat! you be quiet, or I will skin you as my vife skins me.”92.K. adds,“I will take care to get him so completely in my power that he shall not dare, however he might desire it, to avail himself of the power which that addition to the contract will give him.”93.In K., the line reads.“S—s cat! I vill cut off your tail.”94.“Schneider”in K.95.“dat ist”in K; also“Mynheer.”96.“baber”in K.97.“bocket”in K.98.“Mynheer”in K.99.Not in K.100.“bar-bar-tick-bartickler”in K.101.K. has also:Alice.She wont believe it.Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.102.Not in K.103.In K, only“But, never mind.”104.Not in K.105.Not in K.106.Not in K.107.Not in K.108.Not in K.
SCENE II.A Plain Chamber.EnterDerric Van Slaus.46[pg 048]Derric.Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.Herman.[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?Derric.What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!EnterHerman.Derric.Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?Herman.You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.Derric.Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.Herman.Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?Derric.Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.Herman.He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.Derric.What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?Herman.Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?[pg 049]Derric.Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.Herman.'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.Derric.Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.Herman.[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.Footnotes46.“andHerman”in K. The scene, which is different, runs as follows:Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.Herman.And from which I will save you.Derric.You?Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.Derric.His daughter?Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.Derric.What do you mean?Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.Derric.And in what way can that affect us?Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.Derric.What is that contract?Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.Derric.You amaze me, I—Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]SCENE III.Rip'sCottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.Knickerbockerenters cautiously.Knickerbocker.Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.EnterAlice.47Alice.[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48Knickerbocker.[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49[pg 050]Alice.No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50Knickerbocker.This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—[Kneeling.Dame.[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.Knickerbocker.The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?Alice.If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?Knickerbocker.That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.Alice.Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.Knickerbocker.It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.Dameenters, dragging inRip.Dame.And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?Rip.Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?Dame.Where's all the game you were to bring home?Rip.On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.Dame.My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?Rip.I don't know.—Do you?Dame.You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.[pg 051]Rip.Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.Dame.To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.Rip.Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.Dame.And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!Rip.Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57Dame.Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith![Exit withAlice.Rip.[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.Music.—Ripopens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads onKnickerbocker,who roars out lustily.Rip,in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.Rip.Help! murder! fire! thieves!Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62,darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice,entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dameenters, alarmed.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?[pg 052]Rip.[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.Dame.In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.Dame.Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!Rip.Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.Dame.I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.Rip.[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.Rip.Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.Alice.[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?Rip.I'll go to bed and [think]68.[Crosses.Dame.You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.AsDameretires, she meetsDerric69to whom she curtseys.Derric.Good evening, Dame.Dame.Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.Rip.[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.Alice.[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.Derric.Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?Rip.Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.Derric.Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.Rip.Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—Derric.To write the receipt: certainly.Rip.Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73Derric.We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.Rip.Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.Derric.You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74Rip.Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.Derric.He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.Rip.Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.Derric.No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.Rip.Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.Derric.Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.Rip.Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?Derric.Merely sign your name.Rip.Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88Derric.But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.Rip.Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91Derric.[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.Rip.Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.Derric.Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.[pg 055]Rip.I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.Derric.There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”Rip.Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?Derric.Sign it!Rip.Wass?Derric.Sign!Rip.Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.Derric.And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.Rip.Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.Derric.Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.Rip.Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.Derric.No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.Rip.Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99EnterAlice.Rip.Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.[pg 056]Aliceadvances, and brings onKnickerbockerfrom the closet.Alice.So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.Knickerbocker.Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.Alice.It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!Knickerbocker.I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.Alice.[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.Knickerbocker.With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104Alice.'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.Dameenters.Dame.[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?Alice.The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.Dame.The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.Knickerbocker.[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.[pg 057]Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.Knickerbocker.Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]108—and disappears.—Damerushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alicelaughs.Dame.What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.Footnotes47.“speaking off, to the child,”in K.48.Not in K.49.Not in K.50.Not in K. Instead,“he is so handsome, his figure is so elegant.”51.Not in K.52.Not in K.53.“mein”in K.54.“Ve'll”in K.55.“bate”in K.56.“broken”in K. Also add“by your knocks.”57.Not in K.58.“Tonner”in K.59.“tink”in K.60.“finish”in K.61.“crockery”in K.62.Not in K.63.Not in K.64.“der tyfil's”in K.65.“brivate”in K.66.“goot-hell”in K.67.“brosber”in K.68.“tink”in K.69.“entering”inserted, in K.70.“I vork”in K.71.“bit-and-bat”in K.72.“goot”in K.73.“bersbiration”in K.74.Not in K.75.“vild”and“tog”in K.76.Not in K.77.Not in K.78.Not in K.79.Not in K.80.“bardon”in K.81.Not in K.82.Not in K.83.“uncommon”in K.84.“him”in K.85.“Mynheer”in K.86.“boot”and“baber”in K.87.“freund”in K.88.In K.“S—ss cat! be quiet wid you!”.89.“Stob”and“vould”in K.90.“der tyfil”in K.91.In K.“S—s cat! you be quiet, or I will skin you as my vife skins me.”92.K. adds,“I will take care to get him so completely in my power that he shall not dare, however he might desire it, to avail himself of the power which that addition to the contract will give him.”93.In K., the line reads.“S—s cat! I vill cut off your tail.”94.“Schneider”in K.95.“dat ist”in K; also“Mynheer.”96.“baber”in K.97.“bocket”in K.98.“Mynheer”in K.99.Not in K.100.“bar-bar-tick-bartickler”in K.101.K. has also:Alice.She wont believe it.Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.102.Not in K.103.In K, only“But, never mind.”104.Not in K.105.Not in K.106.Not in K.107.Not in K.108.Not in K.
SCENE II.A Plain Chamber.EnterDerric Van Slaus.46[pg 048]Derric.Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.Herman.[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?Derric.What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!EnterHerman.Derric.Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?Herman.You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.Derric.Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.Herman.Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?Derric.Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.Herman.He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.Derric.What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?Herman.Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?[pg 049]Derric.Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.Herman.'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.Derric.Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.Herman.[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.Footnotes46.“andHerman”in K. The scene, which is different, runs as follows:Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.Herman.And from which I will save you.Derric.You?Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.Derric.His daughter?Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.Derric.What do you mean?Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.Derric.And in what way can that affect us?Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.Derric.What is that contract?Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.Derric.You amaze me, I—Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]SCENE III.Rip'sCottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.Knickerbockerenters cautiously.Knickerbocker.Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.EnterAlice.47Alice.[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48Knickerbocker.[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49[pg 050]Alice.No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50Knickerbocker.This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—[Kneeling.Dame.[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.Knickerbocker.The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?Alice.If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?Knickerbocker.That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.Alice.Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.Knickerbocker.It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.Dameenters, dragging inRip.Dame.And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?Rip.Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?Dame.Where's all the game you were to bring home?Rip.On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.Dame.My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?Rip.I don't know.—Do you?Dame.You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.[pg 051]Rip.Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.Dame.To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.Rip.Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.Dame.And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!Rip.Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57Dame.Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith![Exit withAlice.Rip.[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.Music.—Ripopens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads onKnickerbocker,who roars out lustily.Rip,in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.Rip.Help! murder! fire! thieves!Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62,darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice,entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dameenters, alarmed.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?[pg 052]Rip.[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.Dame.In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.Dame.Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!Rip.Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.Dame.I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.Rip.[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.Rip.Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.Alice.[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?Rip.I'll go to bed and [think]68.[Crosses.Dame.You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.AsDameretires, she meetsDerric69to whom she curtseys.Derric.Good evening, Dame.Dame.Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.Rip.[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.Alice.[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.Derric.Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?Rip.Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.Derric.Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.Rip.Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—Derric.To write the receipt: certainly.Rip.Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73Derric.We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.Rip.Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.Derric.You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74Rip.Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.Derric.He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.Rip.Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.Derric.No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.Rip.Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.Derric.Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.Rip.Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?Derric.Merely sign your name.Rip.Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88Derric.But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.Rip.Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91Derric.[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.Rip.Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.Derric.Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.[pg 055]Rip.I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.Derric.There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”Rip.Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?Derric.Sign it!Rip.Wass?Derric.Sign!Rip.Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.Derric.And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.Rip.Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.Derric.Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.Rip.Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.Derric.No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.Rip.Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99EnterAlice.Rip.Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.[pg 056]Aliceadvances, and brings onKnickerbockerfrom the closet.Alice.So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.Knickerbocker.Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.Alice.It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!Knickerbocker.I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.Alice.[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.Knickerbocker.With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104Alice.'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.Dameenters.Dame.[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?Alice.The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.Dame.The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.Knickerbocker.[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.[pg 057]Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.Knickerbocker.Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]108—and disappears.—Damerushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alicelaughs.Dame.What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.Footnotes47.“speaking off, to the child,”in K.48.Not in K.49.Not in K.50.Not in K. Instead,“he is so handsome, his figure is so elegant.”51.Not in K.52.Not in K.53.“mein”in K.54.“Ve'll”in K.55.“bate”in K.56.“broken”in K. Also add“by your knocks.”57.Not in K.58.“Tonner”in K.59.“tink”in K.60.“finish”in K.61.“crockery”in K.62.Not in K.63.Not in K.64.“der tyfil's”in K.65.“brivate”in K.66.“goot-hell”in K.67.“brosber”in K.68.“tink”in K.69.“entering”inserted, in K.70.“I vork”in K.71.“bit-and-bat”in K.72.“goot”in K.73.“bersbiration”in K.74.Not in K.75.“vild”and“tog”in K.76.Not in K.77.Not in K.78.Not in K.79.Not in K.80.“bardon”in K.81.Not in K.82.Not in K.83.“uncommon”in K.84.“him”in K.85.“Mynheer”in K.86.“boot”and“baber”in K.87.“freund”in K.88.In K.“S—ss cat! be quiet wid you!”.89.“Stob”and“vould”in K.90.“der tyfil”in K.91.In K.“S—s cat! you be quiet, or I will skin you as my vife skins me.”92.K. adds,“I will take care to get him so completely in my power that he shall not dare, however he might desire it, to avail himself of the power which that addition to the contract will give him.”93.In K., the line reads.“S—s cat! I vill cut off your tail.”94.“Schneider”in K.95.“dat ist”in K; also“Mynheer.”96.“baber”in K.97.“bocket”in K.98.“Mynheer”in K.99.Not in K.100.“bar-bar-tick-bartickler”in K.101.K. has also:Alice.She wont believe it.Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.102.Not in K.103.In K, only“But, never mind.”104.Not in K.105.Not in K.106.Not in K.107.Not in K.108.Not in K.
SCENE II.A Plain Chamber.EnterDerric Van Slaus.46[pg 048]Derric.Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.Herman.[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?Derric.What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!EnterHerman.Derric.Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?Herman.You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.Derric.Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.Herman.Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?Derric.Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.Herman.He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.Derric.What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?Herman.Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?[pg 049]Derric.Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.Herman.'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.Derric.Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.Herman.[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.Footnotes46.“andHerman”in K. The scene, which is different, runs as follows:Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.Herman.And from which I will save you.Derric.You?Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.Derric.His daughter?Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.Derric.What do you mean?Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.Derric.And in what way can that affect us?Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.Derric.What is that contract?Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.Derric.You amaze me, I—Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]
A Plain Chamber.
EnterDerric Van Slaus.46
Derric.Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.
Derric.
Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.
Herman.[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?
Herman.
[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?
Derric.What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!
Derric.
What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!
EnterHerman.
Derric.Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?
Derric.
Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?
Herman.You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.
Herman.
You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.
Derric.Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.
Derric.
Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.
Herman.Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?
Herman.
Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?
Derric.Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.
Derric.
Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.
Herman.He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.
Herman.
He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.
Derric.What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?
Derric.
What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?
Herman.Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?
Herman.
Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?
Derric.Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.
Derric.
Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.
Herman.'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.
Herman.
'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.
Derric.Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.
Derric.
Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.
Herman.[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.
Herman.
[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.
Footnotes
Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.Herman.And from which I will save you.Derric.You?Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.Derric.His daughter?Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.Derric.What do you mean?Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.Derric.And in what way can that affect us?Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.Derric.What is that contract?Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.Derric.You amaze me, I—Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]
Herman.Lecture me as much as you will, father, if at the close of your sermon you are prepared to supply me with the money that I need.
Derric.Money! that is eternally your cry. Your extravagances have almost ruined and soon will dishonour me. Oh! I am but justly punished for my mad indulgence of a son who was born only to be my bane and curse.
Herman.If you could but invent some fresh terms for my reproach! such frequent repetition becomes, I assure you, very wearisome.
Derric.You have caused me to plunge into debt, and I am now pursued by a host of creditors.
Herman.We must find a way to quiet them. And for the money I now require—
Derric.Not another dollar do you obtain from me. Already, to supply your cravings, I have misappropriated some of the public money, and I must replace it soon if I would avert the shame and degradation with which I now am threatened.
Herman.And from which I will save you.
Derric.You?
Herman.Yes. I! Rip van Winkle, your tenant—
Derric.What has that idle, dissipated fellow to do with the present matter?
Herman.Much, as I will show you, and his daughter more.
Derric.His daughter?
Herman.Now scarcely seven years old, I believe. This girl has an aunt residing in New York, who has long since, in consequence of an affront received from Van Winkle, discarded the whole family. But I have discovered that, of which they have no notion.
Derric.What do you mean?
Herman.Why, that the whole of this aunt's fortune, and she is immensely rich, must of necessity, at the old lady's death, become the inheritance of the little Lowena.
Derric.And in what way can that affect us?
Herman.You shall hear. I have already caused a contract to be prepared, and to which you must obtain Rip Van Winkle's signature.
Derric.What is that contract?
Herman.You shall read it presently. Van Winkle is an easy soul, and at present, I believe, your debtor.
Derric.Yes, considerably in arrears with the rent of the tenement, which he holds from me.
Herman.Obtain his signature to the contract I am about to give you, and 'twill be a security on which money may be raised to any amount.
Derric.You amaze me, I—
Herman.You must have cash, father, to relieve you from your unpleasant difficulties, and I, for those delights of youth without which there is no advantage in being young. [Exeunt.]
SCENE III.Rip'sCottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.Knickerbockerenters cautiously.Knickerbocker.Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.EnterAlice.47Alice.[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48Knickerbocker.[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49[pg 050]Alice.No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50Knickerbocker.This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—[Kneeling.Dame.[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.Knickerbocker.The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?Alice.If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?Knickerbocker.That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.Alice.Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.Knickerbocker.It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.Dameenters, dragging inRip.Dame.And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?Rip.Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?Dame.Where's all the game you were to bring home?Rip.On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.Dame.My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?Rip.I don't know.—Do you?Dame.You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.[pg 051]Rip.Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.Dame.To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.Rip.Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.Dame.And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!Rip.Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57Dame.Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith![Exit withAlice.Rip.[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.Music.—Ripopens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads onKnickerbocker,who roars out lustily.Rip,in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.Rip.Help! murder! fire! thieves!Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62,darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice,entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dameenters, alarmed.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?[pg 052]Rip.[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.Dame.In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.Dame.Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!Rip.Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.Dame.I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.Rip.[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.Rip.Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.Alice.[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?Rip.I'll go to bed and [think]68.[Crosses.Dame.You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.AsDameretires, she meetsDerric69to whom she curtseys.Derric.Good evening, Dame.Dame.Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.Rip.[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.Alice.[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.Derric.Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?Rip.Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.Derric.Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.Rip.Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—Derric.To write the receipt: certainly.Rip.Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73Derric.We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.Rip.Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.Derric.You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74Rip.Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.Derric.He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.Rip.Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.Derric.No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.Rip.Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.Derric.Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.Rip.Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?Derric.Merely sign your name.Rip.Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88Derric.But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.Rip.Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91Derric.[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.Rip.Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.Derric.Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.[pg 055]Rip.I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.Derric.There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”Rip.Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?Derric.Sign it!Rip.Wass?Derric.Sign!Rip.Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.Derric.And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.Rip.Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.Derric.Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.Rip.Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.Derric.No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.Rip.Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99EnterAlice.Rip.Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.[pg 056]Aliceadvances, and brings onKnickerbockerfrom the closet.Alice.So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.Knickerbocker.Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.Alice.It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!Knickerbocker.I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.Alice.[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.Knickerbocker.With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104Alice.'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.Dameenters.Dame.[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?Alice.The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.Dame.The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.Knickerbocker.[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.[pg 057]Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.Knickerbocker.Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]108—and disappears.—Damerushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alicelaughs.Dame.What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.Footnotes47.“speaking off, to the child,”in K.48.Not in K.49.Not in K.50.Not in K. Instead,“he is so handsome, his figure is so elegant.”51.Not in K.52.Not in K.53.“mein”in K.54.“Ve'll”in K.55.“bate”in K.56.“broken”in K. Also add“by your knocks.”57.Not in K.58.“Tonner”in K.59.“tink”in K.60.“finish”in K.61.“crockery”in K.62.Not in K.63.Not in K.64.“der tyfil's”in K.65.“brivate”in K.66.“goot-hell”in K.67.“brosber”in K.68.“tink”in K.69.“entering”inserted, in K.70.“I vork”in K.71.“bit-and-bat”in K.72.“goot”in K.73.“bersbiration”in K.74.Not in K.75.“vild”and“tog”in K.76.Not in K.77.Not in K.78.Not in K.79.Not in K.80.“bardon”in K.81.Not in K.82.Not in K.83.“uncommon”in K.84.“him”in K.85.“Mynheer”in K.86.“boot”and“baber”in K.87.“freund”in K.88.In K.“S—ss cat! be quiet wid you!”.89.“Stob”and“vould”in K.90.“der tyfil”in K.91.In K.“S—s cat! you be quiet, or I will skin you as my vife skins me.”92.K. adds,“I will take care to get him so completely in my power that he shall not dare, however he might desire it, to avail himself of the power which that addition to the contract will give him.”93.In K., the line reads.“S—s cat! I vill cut off your tail.”94.“Schneider”in K.95.“dat ist”in K; also“Mynheer.”96.“baber”in K.97.“bocket”in K.98.“Mynheer”in K.99.Not in K.100.“bar-bar-tick-bartickler”in K.101.K. has also:Alice.She wont believe it.Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.102.Not in K.103.In K, only“But, never mind.”104.Not in K.105.Not in K.106.Not in K.107.Not in K.108.Not in K.
Rip'sCottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.
Knickerbockerenters cautiously.
Knickerbocker.Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.
Knickerbocker.
Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.
EnterAlice.47
Alice.[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48
Alice.
[Without observingKnickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48
Knickerbocker.[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49
Knickerbocker.
[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49
Alice.No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50
Alice.
No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace ofKnickerbocker.]50
Knickerbocker.This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—
Knickerbocker.
This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—
[Kneeling.
Dame.[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.
Dame.
[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.
Knickerbocker.The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?
Knickerbocker.
The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?
Alice.If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?
Alice.
If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?
Knickerbocker.That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.
Knickerbocker.
That's the important question; oh,]52I'll hop into the cupboard.
Alice.Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.
Alice.
Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.
Knickerbocker.It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.
Knickerbocker.
It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.
Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.
Dameenters, dragging inRip.
Dame.And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?
Dame.
And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?
Rip.Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?
Rip.
Nothing, [my]53darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?
Dame.Where's all the game you were to bring home?
Dame.
Where's all the game you were to bring home?
Rip.On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.
Rip.
On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.
Dame.My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?
Dame.
My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?
Rip.I don't know.—Do you?
Rip.
I don't know.—Do you?
Dame.You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.
Dame.
You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.
Rip.Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.
Rip.
Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54see about de rent money to-morrow morning.
Dame.To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.
Dame.
To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.
Rip.Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.
Rip.
Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56long since and dat's a fact.
Dame.And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!
Dame.
And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!
Rip.Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57
Rip.
Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57
Dame.Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith!
Dame.
Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith!
[Exit withAlice.
Rip.[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.
Rip.
[Tunder]58take me if I don't [think]59but what she has [finished]60it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.
Music.—Ripopens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads onKnickerbocker,who roars out lustily.Rip,in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.
Rip.Help! murder! fire! thieves!
Rip.
Help! murder! fire! thieves!
Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62,darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice,entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dameenters, alarmed.
Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?
Dame.
Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?
Rip.[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.
Rip.
[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.
Dame.In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.
Dame.
In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls intoRip'sarms.—Knickerbockerregains the closet, unobserved by all, saveAlice.
Dame.Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!
Dame.
Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!
Rip.Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.
Rip.
Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.
Dame.I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.
Dame.
I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Aliceproduces a bottle.
Rip.[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.
Rip.
[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice,hastening off, brings a wine-glass, whichRipfills and gives toDame.
Rip.Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.
Rip.
Here's your [go-to-hell],66and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle;Alice,in the interim, proceeds to the closet and bringsKnickerbockerout, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.
Alice.[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.
Alice.
[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.
Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?
Dame.
Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?
Rip.I'll go to bed and [think]68.
Rip.
I'll go to bed and [think]68.
[Crosses.
Dame.You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.
Dame.
You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and[pg 053]consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.
AsDameretires, she meetsDerric69to whom she curtseys.
Derric.Good evening, Dame.
Derric.
Good evening, Dame.
Dame.Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.
Dame.
Your honour's servant. [ExitDame.
Rip.[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.
Rip.
[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.
Alice.[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.
Alice.
[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.
Derric.Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?
Derric.
Well, honest Rip, how wags the world with you?
Rip.Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.
Rip.
Bad enough, sir, for though [labouring]70from morn to night, I can make no advance in de world, though my industry is proverbial, and dat's a fact.
Derric.Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.
Derric.
Why, where the bottle is concerned, few, I believe, can boast so much industry.
Rip.Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—
Rip.
Dat is a fact; but I suppose you have called concerning de rent. [Aside.] How my heart [goes and comes!]71[Aloud.] Now if your honour will be so [good]72enough to—
Derric.To write the receipt: certainly.
Derric.
To write the receipt: certainly.
Rip.Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73
Rip.
Nine, nine! [Aside.] I'm stewed alive mit [perspiration.]73
Derric.We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.
Derric.
We'll talk of the rent at a future period! There is another affair on which I wish to consult you.
Rip.Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.
Rip.
Take a chair, your honour.—[Aside, rubbing his hands together.]—It's all right, by de hookey.—[Aloud.]—Take a glass mit me. [They take chairs.
Derric.You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74
Derric.
You know my only son, [whose life you preserved?]74
Rip.Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.
Rip.
Yes; and a [wild]75harum-scarum [dog]76he is. [Drinks.
Derric.He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.
Derric.
He [is now stationed in New York, studying the law, and]77has become a staid, sober, prudent youth; and [now]78, 'tis my wish that he should settle in this, his native place, and [that he]79marry some honest girl, who is altogether unacquainted with the frivolities of cities; and I have been thinking that in a[pg 054]few years your daughter will be grown up, and would make a suitable match for him. True, there will be some disparity in their ages, but as the years are on the side of the husband, so 'twill be all the better for the wife, in having a matured preceptor.
Rip.Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.
Rip.
Beg [pardon],80sir; but it strikes me you are only carrying on your rigs mit me.
Derric.No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.
Derric.
No, on my honour; and, to convince you that I'm in earnest, I have brought with me a contract, by which our offspring, when of age, are bound to intermarry, or forfeit their several fortunes. I shall settle all mine on Herman, and I shall expect you to do the same for your daughter.
Rip.Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.
Rip.
Yah! yah! [ech woll]81; I'll give her all [I got]82; all my money; but she must be [d——d]83smart if she can find ['em.]84Take a drink, [Mr.]85Burgomaster. [Drinks.
Derric.Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.
Derric.
Well, here are the two contracts, both binding and legally drawn.
Rip.Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?
Rip.
Yah! yah! [Drinks.—Derricgives him the pen.] What you want me to do mit dis?
Derric.Merely sign your name.
Derric.
Merely sign your name.
Rip.Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88
Rip.
Me, [put]86my name to dat [paper], mitout my old woman knowing?—mine goot [friend],87she would skin me. [Noise in closet.] [Schat! you witch!]88
Derric.But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.
Derric.
But I was about to propose, on condition of your signing the contract, to let you live rent free, in future.
Rip.Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91
Rip.
Rent free! I'll sign! but [stop]!89my old woman [must] play [old hob]90mit me—so put down dat I can break dat contract, if I choose, in twenty years and a day.—[Noise.]—[Schat! you witch!]91
Derric.[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.
Derric.
[Writing.] As you please.92[Noise.
Rip.Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.
Rip.
Schat! you witch!93[Drinks.
Derric.Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.
Derric.
Is that a cat, friend Rip? [Writing.
Rip.I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.
Rip.
I don't know if it is a cat—but, if it is my dog [Snider],94I wouldn't be in his skin when de old woman comes back.
Derric.There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”
Derric.
There, friend Rip, I have inserted, at your request, this codicil:“Should the said Rip Van Winkle think fit to annul this contract, within twenty years and a day, he shall be at full liberty to do so.”
Rip.Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?
Rip.
Yah, yah! [dos] is recht—dat is goot. Now [Mr.]95Burgomaster, what you want me to do?
Derric.Sign it!
Derric.
Sign it!
Rip.Wass?
Rip.
Wass?
Derric.Sign!
Derric.
Sign!
Rip.Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.
Rip.
Give me de [paper]96.—[Takes it.]—How my head turns round.—[Reading.]—“Should the said Rip Van Winkle”—yah, yah! dat is me.—"Rip Van Winkle—twenty years and a day."—Oh, dat is all recht.—[Writing.]—R-i-p V-a-n—[Noise.]—Schat! you witch! W-i-n-k-l-e—now, dere he is.
Derric.And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.
Derric.
And there is the counterpart. [Gives it.
Rip.Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.
Rip.
Dis is for me, eh? I'll put him in my breast [pocket]97—yah, yah.
Derric.Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.
Derric.
Now, Rip, I must bid you good evening.
Rip.Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.
Rip.
Stop! Take some more liquor. Why, de bottle is empty. Here! Alice! Alice! get some more schnapps for de burgomaster.
Derric.No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.
Derric.
No, not to-night. [Rising.] But, should you want any you will always find a bottle for you at your old friend Rory's; so, good-night.
Rip.Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99
Rip.
Stop, [Mr.]98Burgomaster! I will go and get dat bottle now.—[Rising.]—Alice, Alice! [comma see hah!]99
EnterAlice.
Rip.Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.
Rip.
Alice, give me mine hat. [Alice gives it.] Now, take care of de house till I comes back: if de old woman comes before I gets home, tell her I am gone out mit de burgomaster on [par—par—tick—partickler]100business.101[Exit, withDerric.
Aliceadvances, and brings onKnickerbockerfrom the closet.
Alice.So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.
Alice.
So, Mr. Knickerbocker, you are still here.
Knickerbocker.Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.
Knickerbocker.
Yes, all that's left of me! and, now that the coast is clear, I'll give them leg bail, as the lawyers have it; and if ever they catch me here again—[He goes towards the door, and returns in sudden alarm.] Oh dear! oh dear! here's mother Van Winkle coming back. I shall never get out of this mess.
Alice.It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!
Alice.
It's all your own fault! Why would you come to-night!
Knickerbocker.I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.
Knickerbocker.
I shall never be able to come again—the cross vixen will take care of that if she catches me here.
Alice.[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.
Alice.
[There is but one method of avoiding her wrath:]102slip on the clothes the old pedlar woman brought for sale, and I'll warrant you'll soon be tumbled out of the house.
Knickerbocker.With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104
Knickerbocker.
With a good thrashing to boot, I suppose. [No matter, if I can but slip out of the house, I don't care what I slip into.]103[Knickerbockersits in arm-chair, and is attired byAlicein a woman's dress: on rising, the petticoats but reach his knees.] Confound the lower garments! they're too short [by half.]104
Alice.'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.
Alice.
'Tis your legs are too long [by half!]105; stoop down; [say as little as possible, and you'll not be discovered.]106[He again sits.
Dameenters.
Dame.[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?
Dame.
[Well, I've got back and I see Mr. Van Slaus is gone! but]107where's that varlet, Rip; out again? Oh, that Rip! that Rip! I'll certainly be the death of him; or he will of me, which is most likely. Alice, who have you in the chair?
Alice.The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.
Alice.
The pedlar woman, aunt, who has come for the things she left.
Dame.The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.
Dame.
The pedlar woman—hark'ee gossip: bring no more of your rubbish here. Take yourself off, and let me have a clear house.
Knickerbocker.[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.
Knickerbocker.
[Aside.] 'Gad, I wish I was safely cleared out of it. [Knickerbockerrises, hobbles forward; but, forgetting the shortness of the petticoats, in curtseying, is discovered by theDame,from the exposure of his legs.
Dame.Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.
Dame.
Odds bodikins and pins! who have we here! an imposter! but you shall pay for it; this is a pedlar woman, indeed, with such lanky shanks. [She rushes up to door and, locks it—then, with a broom pursues him round; he flings bonnet in her face.
Knickerbocker.Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.
Knickerbocker.
Needs must, when the devil drives—so here goes.
He jumps through the window [which is dashed to pieces]108—and disappears.—Damerushes up, with broom, towards window.—Alicelaughs.
Dame.What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.
Dame.
What! laugh at his misconduct, hussey. One's just as bad as the other. All born to plague me. Get you to bed—to bed, I say. [DamedrivesAliceoff, and follows.
Footnotes
Alice.She wont believe it.Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.
Alice.She wont believe it.
Rip.Tell her—I'll be stewed fun it's a fact.