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A Fourth of July Oration,[1]
BY ONE ALCOHOL.
Ladies and Gentlemen,—This is a great day—a day of independence. It is a day upon which myself and one Gunpowder, have long been accustomed to make a display. I hope that the foolish attempt to celebrate the fourth of July without us, will be frowned down. Who ever thought of being funny without being fuddled? Who ever thought of being truly independent, and setting all law and gospel at defiance, without my help?
Ladies and gentlemen, I am a great character. Forgive me, if, on this glorious occasion, I set forth my merits. It is one of my privileges, as well as that of my subjects, to be boastful andvain-glorious. I shall, therefore, proceed to speak of myself.
My name isAlcohol! I solicit the favor of your attention to a subject, which lies near my heart. I am a great prince, and, like other distinguished potentates, I have my followers. To thousands and tens of thousands of these, I feel under profound obligations for the homage they have done me. They have loved me tointoxication; and, in doing me reverence, have oftenfallenat my feet. If the heathen prostrate themselves before stocks and stones, may not Christians prostrate themselves before me?
Allow me to tell you something of my subjects. Let me expatiate upon their merits. Let me set forth some of their characteristics; and then pronounce your judgment—then say, if monarch ever had higher reason than Alcohol to be proud of his people.
Andfirst; my followers are remarkablydevoted.
From the standards of Napoleon, Wellington, and even that of Washington,desertionwas not uncommon. But, until recently, this crime has scarcely been known inmyarmy. For my sake I have known my friends forsake father and mother, wife and children. Nay, such has been their zeal in my cause, that they have sacrificed property, health, and even life itself. Indeed, I may say, that from apuredevotion to me, thousands have come to an untimely grave.
The most popular monarchs have their enemies. Doubtless, I have mine, particularly in these sad days of delusion and pretended reform. But, then, I have reason to think, that some, and probably the number is large, though ostensibly my enemies, aresecretlymy friends. From motives ofpolicy, they say they mustappearto be against me, but whenclosetedthey assure me that they stillloveme, and I think they often give no small evidence of the fact. They have a deepintestineattachment to me. Upon these friends I depend to restore me to my former honors, and had they the power, I think I should reign as triumphantly as ever.
Before I proceed farther, I must say a word about my domestic affairs, and which explains the trouble that has grown up in society, in respect to me. Many years ago I was married to Cold Water. We had a large family, the pride of which we called Grog, and a glorious fellow he was too. I hardly knew his equal, unless it was Toddy—the drollest dog you ever met with. Such times as we did have! Toddy, Grog, and the rest, used to fall to and scratch, bite, pull hair, give black eyes, &c. Those were glorious days, and I am sorry to say, that the times have grown very degenerate. I positively fear that a row or a black eye will not be heard of ten years hence.
However, I must go on with my speech. Some evil-minded persons brought about a divorce between me and Cold Water; she then set up for herself, and since that time, there’s been a regular strife between us. We’re now trying to see which shall get the biggest army, and the consequence is that society is torn to pieces. My dear friends, listen to me, and then choose on which side you will enlist.
Let me tell you something about my followers. In the first place they arebrave. In a single instance, during the revolutionary war, the English officers mingled gunpowder with the spirit, in order to inspire their soldiers with greater courage. I could have taught them a better lesson than this. They needed a littleFourth proof Jamaica.Fourth proof, you observe—thatmanufactures the courage. Why, I never yet saw an army or a rabble, whose courage flagged, if they had taken a sufficient quantity of the pure “critter,”—pure, pure, youobserve, not weakened down till you couldn’t tell whether there was most water, or most spirit. I have someveteransin my service, which I think would stand an action as hot as Bunker Hill is said to have been. These are myred-eyedandred-nosedsoldiers, and whom I keep as acorps de reserve. I think of enrolling them in a regiment by themselves. They are without “fear of things present or things to come.” Promotion is certain in this corps, and all my soldiers get into it, after a proper length of service. My subjects, also, possess strong points ofsimilarity.
And 1st., of theiruniform. The uniform adopted by me isred, sometimes bearing upon purple. My subjects look exceedingly well in it, especially when set with jewels, known by the name ofcarbuncles. A few prefer apaleexterior for their uniform, inclining toyellow. These are those whom I callgin-ites. They are mostly of the softer sex, who have acquired this pallid look by the use of gin or opium, and snuff. To my eye, there is nothing in creation half so beautiful as a woman, under the influence of gin or opium, in the attitude of takingsnuff, especially when her fingers scatter it over her dress like a Scotch mist.
2d.Language.My subjects belong to different countries, and consequently speak different languages. But even here strong resemblances may be traced. Whatever be their mother tongue, their accents, inflexions andcadences, especially the latter, are strikingly similar. Somelispbeautifully—some have an elegantclipof their words—others at times are affected withhesitancyandstammering, or perhaps they are unable to speak at all. I have known persons complain that it is difficult to understand them; but it must be remembered, that union is a great thing, and this affection of the speech makes all alike, and therefore cultivates fellow-feeling, which makes us kind to one another.
3d.Attitudes.In this term, I include walking, marching, riding and evolutions in general; in all which my followers exhibit a wonderful sameness. You would at once perceive that they had been disciplined by the same master, and were actuated by the samespirit. The many graces of action are probably better understood by them, than by any other people on the globe. I have often been in ecstasies, in looking at one of my veterans, advancing towards me—he has given me such a delightful idea ofHogarth’s waving line of beauty. But mymountedvolunteers are, perhaps, my greatest pride. In elegant horsemanship, they excel. I doubt whether Mohammed himself, when he rode Alborak, presented a finer appearance than some of ourKnights of the Bottle. They are so easy—so full of elegant motion—now on this side—now on that—forwards and backwards—lateral, circular, and zigzag, that you would decide it to be equal to any “groundtumbling” you ever met with. And with all theircourtesies, for they seldom pass any one without making aprofoundbow—they seldom lose their balance so as to fall. This I account for, in some instances at least, from the sagacity of their horses, which usually know more than their riders!
A fourth characteristic is Independence.My followers are ever ready to pay me and my family the honors of sovereignty; but here their homage terminates. They are, to a man,freemen, and have taken their oath a thousand times, that they will livefreely, however they may die. They sing beautifully, and sincerely, especially such couplets as these:
“He that lives and goes to bed mellow,Lives as he ought to do, and dies a clever fellow.”
“He that lives and goes to bed mellow,Lives as he ought to do, and dies a clever fellow.”
“He that lives and goes to bed mellow,
Lives as he ought to do, and dies a clever fellow.”
Generally, they feel rich, however poor;and have golden prospects, without the certainty of a single dollar. I have known them, even when lying at the bottom of a ditch, and unable to move a limb—so buoyant with spirits, as to call out to the universe—“to the right wheel, march!”
Afifthcharacteristic of my subjects is,genius. The tendency of all my influence is to bring theenergies of the skull into action. Under my tuition, genius is sure to expand; and I have known even those who were thought to be wanting in common sense, to have heads that would delight Spurzheim himself. Phrenologists often talk aboutbumps, as indications of great powers. This is sound philosophy, and I have a mode of making bumps by an expeditious process. I assure you, I have known a whole family of geniuses made in one night, at a bar-room or a grog-shop. A jug of the pure thing is superior to a college education, for developments of the craniology.
Finally, my friends, one of my people knows more than anybody else—or he thinks he does, which is the same thing. It is an old adage, that “the drunken man thinks the world turns round.” What a glorious privilege! It is true that he reels and staggers, and perhaps tumbles down; but still, he thinks that he alone is upright, steadfast and perpendicular! while everybody else is tipping and diving as if there was an earthquake! Is not this an enviable superiority? Thus it is, my friends, if you embrace me, you will, in your own heart and mind, be
——“glorious,O’er all your enemies victorious!”
——“glorious,O’er all your enemies victorious!”
——“glorious,
O’er all your enemies victorious!”
You may be clothed in rags, tumbled into a gutter—an object of pity and sorrow to all around; yet, strong in your confidence in me, you will remain
“A man superior to his accidents!”
“A man superior to his accidents!”
“A man superior to his accidents!”
You will think that you know more than anybody else, are better than anybody else, and are alike superior to the restraints of decency, morality, religion and law. This is true independence! This is unbounded liberty. If, the next day, you feel the horrors—take a little more of me. A little more and a little more—is the true way to keep it up. Walk up, gentlemen and ladies! now’s your time. Who’s for King Alcohol and independence! Who’ll enlist under my banner, for time and eternity?
[1]The substance of this was delivered by a youth at a temperance celebration, on the Fourth July last.
Clean Clothes.—Purity of vesture seems to be a principal precept of nature, and observable throughout the animal creation. Fishes, from the nature of the element in which they reside, can contract but little impurity. Birds are unceasingly attentive to neatness and lustration of their plumage. All the slug race, though covered with slimy matter, calculated to collect extraneous things, and reptiles are perfectly free from soil. The fur and hair of beasts, in a state of liberty and health, is never filthy, or sullied with dirt.
Some birds roll themselves in dust, and occasionally particular beasts cover themselves with mire; but this is not from any liking or inclination for such things, but to free themselves from annoyances, or prevent the bites of minute insects. Whether birds in pluming, or beasts in dressing themselves, be directed by any instinctive faculty, we know not, but they evidently derive pleasure from the operation, and thus the feeling of enjoyment, even if the sole motive, becomes to them an essential source of comfort and of health.
Subserviency.—A farmer in Surrey, England, being asked for whom he intended to vote at the next election, naively replied, “Can’t tell; ha’n’t heard from master yet.”