I proceeded to disembark, a-follered by the forms of my Josiah and Miss Plank.I proceeded to disembark, a-follered by the forms of my Josiah and Miss Plank.
They could think of vittles even at that time, for I heard Josiah say—
"We will settle on some place to go that is handy to a restaurant."
And Miss Plank picked one where the biled corned beef wuz delicious, and the pies and coffee—
Corned beef! oh, my heart, in such a time as this! Beef corned in such a hour! But I forgive 'em and pitied 'em, for it wuz my duty.
Wall, we told Josiah he should have his way that mornin', and go where he wanted to—and he wanted to tackle Machinery Hall; consequently we tackled it.
And how many acres big do you suppose this buildin' wuz? Seventeen acres and a half is the size of the floor—
Jest half a acre more than Silenas Bobbetses farm, that he broke old Squire Bobbetses will to git, and he and his twin brother Zebulin come to hands and blows about, in front of the Jonesville post-office.
Zebulin said it wuz too much land to give to one of the children—they wuz leven of 'em—and the farm didn't go round—the others didn't have only fifteen acres apiece.
Yes; this one buildin' covered as much ground as Silenas Bobbet gits a good livin' from, a-raisin' cabbage and spinach.
And the buildin' wuz seemin'ly all wrought of white marble, with statutes, and colonnades, and towers, and everything else for its comfort, and inside wuz every machine that wuz ever made or thought on, from a sassage-cutter and apple-parer to a steam engine in full blast.
I believe they tuned up higher and louder when I went in—it wouldn't be nothin' surprisin' if they did, some as the brass band strikes up as the hero enters.
This song wuz the loud, strong chorus of Labor, that echoes all over the world, grand chorus that is played by the full orkestry of the sons and daughters of toil.
Oh, how many notes there is in this strong, ail-pervadin' anthem! Genius, and Patience, and Ambition, and Enterprise, and Ardent Endeavor—high notes, and low ones, all blent together, all tuned to the hauntin' key. It is a sam that shakes the hull earth with its might.
As I entered this palace, sacred to its song, how its echoes rolled through my ear pans, how them pans seemed to fairly shiver under the mighty strokes of the song, and its weird, painful accompaniment of boilers a-boilin', rollin' mills a-rollin'!
Water wheels, freight elevators—cranes a-cranin', derricks a-derrickin', divin' apparatus, fire-extinguishin' apparatus—
Machines of all sorts and kinds to manufacture all sorts of goods, and all hands to work at it—silk, cotton, wool, linen, ingy-rubber, ropes, and paper.
Saw-mills, wind-mills, printin'-presses a-pressin'. All sorts of tools to make all sorts of picters—engravin's, color printin'—picters from the 16th century up to 1893—they wuz relief engravin's.
I spoze they are called so because it is such a relief to think we don't have to look at them old picters now.
And there wuz half-tone processes, mechanical and medicinal processes, and every other process you ever hearn on, and didn't ever hear on, right there in a procession in front of me, and all a-processin'.
And there wuz machines for makin' clocks, and watches, and jewelry, and buttons, and pins, and all kinds of appliances ever used in machinery, and stun, sawin', and glass-grindin' machinery a-grindin' and makin' bricks and pottery, and used in makin' artificial stun—the idee!
You'd a thought the stun wuz all made before the Lord rested.
And there wuz rollin' mills a-rollin', and forges a-forgin', and rollin' trains, and harnesses, and squeezers a-squeezin'—and every machine that wuz ever made to shape metals and tire mills, and mills that wuzn't tired, I guess—I didn't see any, but I spoze they wuz there. But they all looked tired to me—tired as a dog, but I spoze it wuz my feelin's.
I see all through this buildin' that there wuz more wimmen than men there—which shows what interest wimmen takes in solid things as well as ornimental.
Wall, we hung around there till I wuz fearfully wore out—with the sights I see and the noise I hearn—and it wuz a relief to my eyes and ears (and I believe them ear pans never will be the pans they wuz before I went in there)—it wuz a relief when my companion begun to feel the nawin's of hunger. And after we went through Machinery Hall we went through the machine shops, at a pretty good jog, and the power-house, where there is the biggest engine in the world—24,000 horse power.
Good land! and in Jonesville we consider 4 horses hitched to a loadverypowerful; but jest think of it, twenty-four thousand horses jest hitched along in front of each other—why, they would reach from our house clear to Zoar—the idee!
But Josiah's inward state grew worse and worse, and finally sez he, in pitiful axents—
"Samantha, I am in a starvin' state," and Miss Plank looked quite bad.
So at their request we went a little further south to the White Horse Inn.
This inn is a exact reproduction of the famous White Horse Inn in England. Thinkin' so much of Dickens as I do (introduced to him by Thomas Jefferson), it wuz a comfort to see over the mantlery-piece the well-known form of "Sam Weller," the old maid, and others of Dickenses characters, that seem jest as real to me as Thomas Jefferson, or Tirzah Ann.
Over the main entrance is a statute of a white horse, lookin' considerable like our old mair, only more high-headed.
The original inn had a open court, where stage-coaches drove in to unload, and from which Mr. Pickwick and his faithful Sam Weller often alighted.
But instead of using it for horses now, they use it for a smokin'-room for men; they can't use it for both of 'em, for horses don't want to go in there—horses don't smoke; tobacco makes 'em sick—sick as a snipe.
Man is the only animal, so fur as I know, who can have tobacco in any shape put into his mouth without resentin' it, it is so nasty.
Wall, we got a good clean meal there at a reasonable price, though Miss Plank thought there wuzn't enough emptin' in the bread, and the sponge cake lacked sugar. But I think they know how to cook there—that inn is the headquarters of the Pickwick Club. Lots of English folks go there, as is nateral.
Wall, after we had a lunch and rested for a spell, Josiah proposed that we should go and see the Transportation Buildin'.
Miss Plank had to leave us now to go home and see about her cookin'. And we wended on alone.
On our way there we met Thomas J. and Maggie and Isabelle. They wuz jest a-goin' to Machinery Hall. Maggie and Isabelle looked sweet as two new-blown roses, and Thomas J. smart and handsome.
We stopped and visited quite a spell, real affectionate and agreeable.
Oh, what a interestin' couple our son and his wife are! and Isabelle is a girl of a thousand.
Krit had gone on to Dakota, on business, they said, but wuz comin' back anon—or mebby before.
Truly, if anybody had kep track of their pride and self-conceit, and counted how many times it fell, and fell hard, too, durin' the World's Fair, it would have been a lesson to 'em on the vanity of earthly things, and a good lesson in rithmetic, too.
Why, they couldn't tell the number of times unless they could go up into millions, and I d'no but trillions.
Why, it would keep a-fallin' and a-fallin' the hull durin' time you wuz there, if you kep watch on it to see; but truly you didn't have no time to, no more'n you did your breathin', only when it took a little deeper fall than common, and then as it lay prostrate and wounded, it drawed your attention to it.
Now, at Jonesville, the neighborin' wimmen had envied and looked up to my transportation facilities.
Miss Gowdy and she that wuz Submit Tewksbury would often say to me—
"Oh, if I had your way of gittin' round—if I could only have your way of goin' jest where you want to and when you want to!"
Such remarks had fed my vanity and pride.
And I will own right up, like a righteous sinner, that I had ofttimes, though I had on the outside a becomin' appearance of modesty—
Yet on the inside I wuz all puffed up by a feelin' of my superior advantages—
As I would set up easy on the back seat of the democrat, and the old mair would bear me on gloriously, and admired by the neighborin' wimmen who walked along the side of the road afoot, and anon the old mair a-leavin' 'em fur behind.
And, like all high stations, that back seat in the democrat and that noble old mair had brung down envy onto me and mean remarks.
It come straight back to me—Miss Lyman Tarbox told she that wuz Sally Ann Mayhew, and she that wuz Sally Ann told the minister's wife, and she told her aunt, and her aunt told my son-in-law's mother, andMiss Minkley told Tirzah Ann, and she told me—it come straight—
"That Josiah Allen's wife looked like a fool, and acted like one, a-settin' up a-ridin' whenever she went anywhere, while them that wuz full as likely walked afoot!"
I took them remarks as a tribute to my greatness—a plain acknowledgement of my superior means of locomotion and transportation.
They didn't break the puff ball of my vanity and pride, and let the wind out—no, indeed!
But alas! alas! as I entered the Transportation Buildin', and looked round me, there wuz no gentle prick to that overgrown puff ball to let the gas out drizzlin'ly and gradual—no, there wuz a sudden smash, a wild collapse, a flat and total squshiness—the puff ball wuz broke into a thousand pieces, and the wind it contained, where wuz it? Ask the breezes that wafted away Cæsar's last groans, that blowed up the dust over buried Pompeii.
The buildin' itself wuz a sight—why, it is 960 feet long, and the cupola in the centre 166 feet high, with eight elevators to take you up to it; the great main entrance wuz all overlaid with gold—looked full as good as Solomon's temple, I do believe—and broad enough and big enough for a hull army of giants to walk through abreast, and then room enough for Josiah and me besides.
But it wuz on the inside of it that my pride fell and broke all to pieces, as I looked round me and down the long distance behind and before me.
I knew—for I had been told—that one fourth of all the savin's of civilized man is invested in railroads, and when I thought of how dretful rich some men and countries are, and kings and emperors, etc., I felt prepared to do homage to a undertakin' that had swallowed up one fourth of all that accumulated wealth.
But sence the world begun, never had there been a exhibition before showin' all the railroad systems of the world side by side, all the big American railroads, and great Britain, and France, and Germany.
The Baltimore and Ohio exhibit shows how the railroads of the world have been thought out gradual, and come up from nothin' to what they are—grew up from a little steam carriage that wuz shut up in Paris in 1760 as bein' disordely.
"Disordely!" Good land! there never wuz a new idee worth anything in this world but has been called "disordely" by fools.
You can see that very little carriage here at the Fair; after bein' shut up for two hundred years, it comes out triumphant, just as Columbus has.
Stevensonses first engine is here—an exact reproduction—and the hull caboodle of the first attempts leadin' up to the engines of to-day.
Dretful interestin' to look at these rough little inventions and to speculate on what prophetic strivin's, and yearnin's, and heartaches, and despairs, and triumphs went into every one on 'em.
For every one on 'em wuz follered, as a man is by his black shadder, by the cold, evil spirits of unbelief, malice, envy, and cheatin'.
The sun the inventors walked under—the glowin' sun of prophecy and foreknowledge—always casts such shadders, some as our sun duz, only blacker.
And every one of them old engines by the help of machinery is moved and turned, just as if Old Time himself had laid his hour-glass offen his head, and wuz a-puttin' his old shoulders under their iron shafts, and a-settin' them to goin' agin, after so long a time.
How I wished as I looked at 'em that Stevenson and the rest of them men who lived, and worked, and suffered ahead of their time, could a been there to see the fruit of their glowin' fancies blow out in full bloom!
But then I thought, as I looked out of a winder into the clear, blue depths of sky overhead, Like as not they are here now, their souls havin' wrought out some finer existence, so etheral that our coarser senses couldn't recognize'em—mebby they wuz right here round the old home of their thoughts, as men's dreams will hang round the homes of their boyhood.
Who knows now? I don't, nor Josiah.
The New York Central exhibit shows the old Mohawk and Hudson train, a model of the first locomotive sot a-goin' on the Hudson in 1807 with a boundin' heart and a tremblin' hand by Robert Fulton, and which wuz pushed off from the pier and propelled onwards by the sneerin', mockin', unbelievin' laughs of the spectators as much as from the breezes that swept up from the south.
I would gin a cent freely and willin'ly if I could a seen Robert stand there side by side with that old locomotive and the fastest lightin' express of to-day—like seed and harvest—with Josiah and me for a verdant and sympathizin' background.
Oh, what a sight it would a been, if his emotions could a been laid bare, and mine, too!
It would a been a sight long to remember.
But to resoom.
The first locomotive ever seen in Chicago wuz there a-puffin' out its own steam. It must felt proud-sperited in all of its old jints, but it acted well and snorted with the best on 'em. The 999, the fastest engine in the world, wuz by the side of the Clinton, the first engineever made. I opened the coach door and got in. It looked jest like a common two-seated buggy of to-day, with seats on top, and water and wood to run it with kep in barrels behind the engine.
And England and Germany, not to be outdone, brung over some of their finest railroads. Why, Wales brought over some of the actual stun ties and iron rails of the first railway in Great Britain; and as for the splendor of the coaches, they go beyend anything that wuz ever seen in the world. Side by side with the finest passenger coaches that London sends stands the Canadian Pacific, with its dinin' and sleepin' cars, and you can form an idee about the richness on 'em when I tell you that the woodwork of 'em is pure mahogany.
And then the other big railroads, not to be outdone, they have their finest and most elegant cars on show—
The Pullman and Wagner and the Empire State, with its lightnin' speed, and post-office and newspaper cars, and freight, and express, and private cars.
There is a German exhibit of some of them likely ambulance cars used by the Red Cross Society in war time—cars that angels bend over as the poor dyin' ones are carried from the battle-field—angels of Healin' and of Pain.
Then the Belgians have a full exhibit of the light, handy vehicles of all shapes, from a barrel to a basket, that they make to run on rails. Platforms movin' by the instantaneous action of the Westinghouse brake on a train of one hundred cars is a sight to see.
There are railroads for goin' like lightin' over level roads, and goin' up and down, and all sorts of street cars, a-goin' by horses, or mules, or lightnin', as the case might be. President Polk's old carriage looked jest like Grandpa Smedly's great-grandfather's buggy, that stands in this old stun carriage house, and has stood there for 100 years and more.
And all sorts of gorgeous carriages that wuz ever seen or hearn on, and carts, and wagons, and buggies, from a tallyho coach to a invalid's chair and a wheelbarrow, and from a toboggan to a bicycle, and palanquins of Japan, China, India, and Africa.
Howdahs for elephants, saddles for camels, donkey exhibits from South America and Egypt, the rig of the water-carriers of Cairo, the milk-sellers of South America, and the cargados, or human pack-horses, of both sexes of that country—models that show the human and brute forms of labor.
Models of ox-carts, used in Jacob's time, and in which, I dare presoom to say, Old Miss Jacob ust to go a-visitin' to old Miss Abraham and Isaac, and mebby stay all day, she and the children.
Ox-cart in which old Miss Jacob ust to go a-visitin'.Ox-cart in which old Miss Jacob ust to go a-visitin'.
And pneumatic tubes that I spoze will be used fur more in the future, and for more various uses, and all kinds of balloons and air-ships.
Balloon transportation—ridin' through the air swift as the wind—what idees that riz up under my fore-top, of takin' breakfast to home, and a-eatin' supper with the Widder Albert, or some of her folks, and spendin' the night with the Sphynx, a-settin' out by moonlight on the pyramids—a-settin' on the top stun, my feet on another one, and my chin in my hand, a-meditatin' on queer things, and a-neighborin' with 'em. From Jonesville to the Desert of Sarah, in a flash, as it were.
Where wuz the old democrat—where, oh, where wuz she? Ask the ocean waves as they break in thunder on the cliff, and hain't heard from no more—ask 'em, and if they answer you, you may hear from the old democrat.
And then there wuz all kinds of vessels, and boats, and steamships, and canal-boats, and yachts, and elevators, and water railways.
Why, right there in plain sight wuz a section sixty feet long of one of the new Atlantic steamers, cut out of the ship, some as you cut a quarter out of an orange, or cut off a stick of candy.
You can see the hull of the ship in that one piece, from the hold to the upper deck—it looks like a structure five stories high—it shows the state-room, saloon, music-room, and so forth, fitted up exactly as they are at sea, gorgeous and comogeous in the extreme.
And here is the reproduction of the Viking ship, nine hundred years old—dug up in a sand-hill in Norway, in 1880. It is fitted up exactly as the Storm Kings of one thousand years ago used 'em—thirty-two oars, each seventeen feet long. Mebby that same ship brung over some Vikings here when the old Newport Mill wuz new.
The English exhibit has a model of H.M.S. Victoria, three hundred and sixty feet long; there is a immense lookin'-glass behind this model, so as to make it look complete, and it is a sight to behold—a sight.
Why, the U.S. has models of their great steamships, the Etruria and the Umbria, and there are every kind of vessels that wuz ever hearn on, for trade, pleasure, or war, and all kinds of Oriental ships, and all kindsof craft that ever floated in every ocean and river of the known world.
From a miniature Egyptian canoe, found in a tomb, to the sheep-skin rafts of the Euphrates and the dugouts of Africa, with sails, to the gorgeous sail-boats of the Adriatic and the most ancient vessels in the world.
What a sight! what a sight! It would take weeks to jest count 'em, let alone studyin' 'em as you ort.
And every machine in the known world for propellin' boats and railways, from steam to lightnin'.
Where wuz my old mair in such a seen? Oh, ask my droopin' sperits where wuz she?
And there wuz everything about protection of life and property, communication at sea, protection against storms and fire, and all kinds of light-houses and divin' apparatus, and pontoons for raisin' sunken vessels out of the depths of the sea.
And relics of Arctic explorations, every one on 'em weighted down with memories of cold, and hunger, and frozen death.
And then there wuz movin' platforms and sidewalks. The idee! What would Submit and Miss Henzy say—to go out from our house and stand stun-still on the side of the road and be moved over to Miss Solomon Corkses!
Oh, my soul, oh, my soul, think on't!
And there wuz what they called a gravity road.
And I asked Josiah "what he spozed that wuz?" and he said,
"He guessed it meant our country roads in the spring or fall."
Sez he, "If them roads won't make a man feel grave to drive over 'em, or a horse feel grave, too, as they are a-wadin' up to their knees in the mud, and a-draggin' a wagon stuck half way up over the hub in slush and thick mud"—
Sez he, "If a man won't feel grave under such circumstances, and a horse, too, then I don't know what will make him."
"Wall," sez I, "if I wuz in Uncle Sam's place I wouldn't try to display 'em to foreign nations." Sez I, "They are disgraces to our country, and I would hush 'em up."
"Yes," sez Josiah; "that is a woman's first idee to cover up sunthin'."
Sez he, "I honor the old man a-comin' right out and ownin' up his weaknesses. The country roads are shameful, and he knew it, and he knew that we knew it; so why not come right out open and show 'em up?"
"Wall," sez I, "it would look as well agin in him to show a good road—a good country road, that one could go over in the spring of the year without wishin' to do as Job did—curse God and die."
Sez Josiah, "Job didn't do that; his wife wanted him to, and he refused; men hain't profane naterally."
"Josiah Allen," sez I, "the language you have used over that Jonesville road in muddy times has been enough to chill the blood in my veins. Tell me that men hain't profane!"
"Not naterally, I said; biles and country roads is enough to make Job and me swear." And he looked gloomy as he thought of the stretch from Grout Hozletons to Jonesville, and how it looked from March till June.
"Wall," sez I, "less get our minds off on't," and I hurried him on to look at the Austrian exhibit, and the Alps seemed to git his mind off some.
There they wuz. There was the Alps, with a railroad in the foreground; then the ship of the Invincible Armada, in the Madrid exhibit, seemed to take up his mind; and all of the guns, from the fifteenth century on to our day; and the Spanish collection of models of block-houses, forts, castles, towers, and so forth.
In the middle of the main buildin' stood two big masts fifty feet high—one of our own day, with every modern convenience; the other like them masts on them ships of Columbus.
I hope our sails will waft on the ship of our country to as great a success as Columbuses did. Mebby it will; I hope so.
Wall, after we left the Transportation Buildin', sez Josiah, "I am dead sick of grandeur, and palaces 30 and 40 acres big, and gildin', and arches, and pillars, and iron."
Sez he, "I would give a cent this minute to see our sugar house, and if I could see Sam Widrig's hovel, where he keeps his sheep, and our old log milk house, I'd be willin' to give a dollar bill."
"Wall," sez I, in a kinder low voice, for I didn't want it to git out—I felt that I would ruther lose no end of comfort than to hurt the Christopher Columbus World's Fair's feelin's—
I whispered, "I feel jest exactly as you do. And," sez I, "less go and find a cabin and some huts if we can, and a board."
So we, havin' been told before where we should find these, wended our way to the Esquimo village, and lo! there wuz a big board fence round it.
And Josiah went up and laid his hand on them good hemlock boardslovin'ly, and sez he, "It looks good enough to eat." I could hardly withdraw him from it—he clung to it like a brother.
"It looks good enough to eat.""It looks good enough to eat."
Wall, inside that board fence wuz a number of cabins or huts, containin' some of 'em a hide bag or a bed, a dog sled with some strips of tin for a harness, and some plain tables, white as snow in some huts, and in some as black as dirt could make 'em.
There wuz about fifty or sixty males and females and children there, and one on 'em, a little bit of a baby, born right there on the Fair ground.
She wuz about as big as a little toy doll. She wuz a-swingin' there in a little hammock, and she didn't seem to care a mite whether she wuz born up to the Arctic Pole or in Chicago. Good land! what did she care about the pole? Mother love wuz the hull equatorial circle to her, and it wuz a-bendin' right over her.
The little mother had pantaloons on, and didn't seem to like it; she had a long jacket and some moccasins.
Right there inside of that board fence is as good a object lesson as you'll find of the cleansin' and elevatin' power of the Christian religion. There wuz two heathen families, and their cabins wuz dirty and squalid, while the Christianized homes are as clean and pure as hands can make 'em.
First godliness, and then cleanliness.
The way the Esquimos tell their age is to have a bag with stuns in it for years. Every year in the middle of summer they drop a stun in. How handy that would be for them who want to act young—why jest let the summer run by without droppin' the stun in, or let a hole come sort o' axidental in the bag, and let a few drop out. But, then, what good would it do?
Sence Old Time himself is a-storin' up the stunny years in his bag that can't be dickered with, or deceived.
And he will jest hit you over the head with them stuns; they will hit your head and make it gray—hit your eyes, and they will lose their bright light—hit your strong young limbs and make 'em weak and sort o' wobblin'.
What use is there a-tryin' to drop 'em out of your own private collection of stuns?
But to resoom. The Esquimos show forth some traits that are dretful interestin' to a philosopher and a investigator.
They do well with what they have to do with.
Now, no sewin' machine ever made finer stitches than they take on their sleepin' bags and their rain coats, etc.
But the thread they use is only reindeer sinews split fine with their teeth.
What would they do with sewin' silk and No. 70 thread?
I believe they would do wonders if they had things to do with.
There wuz one young boy who they said wuz fifteen, but he didn't look more'n seven or eight. He looked out from his little cap that come right up from his coat, or whatever you call it; it looks some like the loose frock that Josiah sometimes wears on the farm, only of course Josiah's don't have a hood to it.
No, indeed; I never can make him wear a hood in our wildest storms, nor a sun-bunnet.
But this little Esquimo, whose name is Pomyak, he looked out on the world as if he wuz a-drinkin' in knowledge in every pore; he looked kinder cross, too, and morbid. I guess lookin' at ice-suckles so much had made his nater kinder cold.
And who knows what changes it will make in his future up there in the frozen north—his summer spent here in Chicago?
Anyway, durin' the long, long night, he will always have sunthin' besides the northern lights to light up its darkness.
What must memory do for him as he sits by the low fire durin' the six months night?
Cold and blackness outside, and in his mind the warm breath of summer lands, the gay crowds, the throng of motley dressed foreigners, the marvellous city of white palaces by the blue waters.
Wall, Josiah got real rested and sort o' sot up agin. And he laid his hand agin lovin'ly on the boards as we left the seen.
Wall, on our way home I had an awful trial with Josiah Allen. Mebby what he had seen that day had made him feel kind o' riz up, and want to act.
He and I wuz a-wendin' our way along the lagoon, when all of a sudden he sez—
"Samantha, I want to go out sailin' in a gondola—I want to swing out and be romantic," sez he.
Sez he, "I always wanted to be romantic, and I always wanted to be a gondolier, but it never come handy before, and now I will! Iwillbe romantic, and sail round with you in a gondola. I'd love to go by moonlight, but sunlight is better than nothin'."
"I want to swing out and be romantic and sail round with you in a gondola.""I want to swing out and be romantic and sail round with you in a gondola."
I looked down pityin'ly on him as he stood a few steps below me on the flight o' stairs a-leadin' down to the water's edge.
I leaned hard on my faithful old umbrell, for I had a touch of rumatiz that day.
And sez I, "Romance, Josiah, should be looked at with the bright eyes of youth, not through spectacles No. 12." Sez I, "The glowin' mist that wrops her round fades away under the magnifyin' lights of them specs, Josiah Allen."
He had took his hat off to cool his forward, and I sez further—
"Romance and bald heads don't go together worth a cent, and rumatiz and azmy are perfect strangers to her. Romance locks arms with young souls, Josiah Allen, and walks off with 'em."
"Oh, shaw!" sez Josiah, "we hain't so very old. Old Uncle Smedly would call us young, and we be, compared to him."
"Wall," sez I, "through the purblind gaze of ninety winters we may look younger, but bald heads and spectacles, Josiah Allen, tell their own silent story. We are not young, Josiah Allen, and all our lyin' and pretendin' won't make us so."
"Wall, dum it all! I never shall be any younger. You can't dispute that."
"No," sez I; "I don't spoze you will, in this spear."
"Wall, I am bound to go out in a gondola, I am bound to be a gondolier before I die. So you may as well make up your mind firstas last, and the sooner I go, the younger I shall go. Hain't that so?"
With a deep sithe I answered, "I spoze so."
And he continued on, "There is such wild, free pleasure on the deep, Samantha."
But, sez I, layin' down the sword of common sense, and takin' up the weepons of affection,
"Think of the dangers, Josiah. The water is damp and cold, and your rumatiz is fearful."
"Dum it all! I hain't a-goin'inthe water, am I?"
"I don't know," sez I sadly, "I don't know, Josiah, and anyway the winds sweep down the lagoons, and azmy lingers on its wings. Pause, Josiah Allen, for my sake, for liniments and poultices as well as clouds have their dark linin's, and they turn 'em out to me as I ponder on your course." Sez I, "Your danger appauls me, and also the idee of bein' up nights with you."
"But," sez he firmly, "Iwillbe a gondolier, I'm bound on't. And," sez he, "I want one of them gorgeous silk dresses that they wear. I'd love to appear in a red and yeller suit, Samantha, or a green and purple, or a blue and maroon, with a pink sash made of thin glitterin' silk, but I spoze that you will break that up in a minute. So, I spoze that I shall have to dwindle down onto a silk scarf, or some plumes in my hat, mebby—you never are willin' for me to soar out andspread myself, but you probable wouldn't break up a few feathers."
I groaned aloud, and mentally groped round for aid, and instinctively ketched holt of religion.
Sez I, "Elder Minkley is here, Josiah Allen, and Deacon Henzy—Jonesville church is languishin' in debt. Is this a time for feathers? What will they think on't? If you can spend money for silk scarfs and plumes, they'll expect you, and with good reason, too, to raise the debt on the meetin'-house."
He paused. Economy prevailed; what love couldn't effect or common sense, closeness did.
His brow cleared from its anxious, ambitious creases, and sez he, "Wall, do come on and less be goin."
It rained some in the mornin', and Josiah said, "That it wuz presumptious for any one to go out onto the Fair ground in such a time."
So he settled down with the last Sunday'sWorld, which he hadn't had time to read before, and looked and acted as if he wuzn't goin' to stir out of his tracks in some time.
He wuzn't goin' to stir.He wuzn't goin' to stir.
But I went out onto the stoop and kinder put my hand out and looked up into the clouds clost, and I see that it didn't do no more than to mist some, and I felt as if it wuz a-goin' to clear off before long.
So I said that I wuz a-goin' to venter out.
Josiah opposed me warmly, and brung up the dangers that might befall me with no pardner to protect me.
He brung up a hull heap on 'em and laid 'em down in front of me, but I calmly walked past 'em, and took down my second-best dress and bunnet,and a good deep water-proof cape, and sot off.
Wall, I got to the Fair ground with no casualities worth mentionin', and I sauntered round there with my faithful umbrell as my only gardeen, and see a sight, and took considerable comfort.
I had a good honorable lunch at noon, and I wuz a-standin' on the steps of one of the noble palaces, when I see a sedan chair approachin' shaped jest like them in my old Gography, borne by two of the men who carry such chairs. Curius-lookin' creeters they be, with their gay turbans and sashes, and long colored robes lookin' some like my long night-gowns, only much gayer-lookin'.
As it approached nearer I see a pretty girlish face a-lookin' out of the side from the curtains that wuz drawed away, a sweet face with a smile on it.
And I sez to myself, "There is a good, wholesome-lookin' girl, who don't care for the rain no more than I do," when I heard a man behind me say in a awe-strucken voice, "That is the Princess! that is the Infanty!"
"There is a good, wholesome-lookin' girl.""There is a good, wholesome-lookin' girl."
And I sez to myself, here is a chance to put yourself right in her eyes. For I wuz afraid that she would think that I hadn't done right by hersence she come over from Spain to see us.
And I didn't want her to go back with any false impressions. I wanted Spain to know jest where I stood in matters of etiquette and politeness.
So it happened jest right—she descended from her chair and stood waitin' on the steps for the rest of her folks, I guess.
And I approached with good nater in my mean, and my umbrell in my hand.
And sez I, a-holdin' out my hand horsepitably, sez I, "Ulaley, I am dretful glad of a chance to see you." Sez I, "You have had so much company ever sence you come to America, that I hain't had no chance to pay attention to you before.
"And I wanted to see you the worst kind, and tell you jest the reason I hain't invited you to my house to visit." Sez I, a-bowin' deep, "I am Josiah Allen's Wife, of Jonesville."
"Of Jonesville?" sez she, in a silver voice.
"Yes," sez I; "Jonesville, in the town of Lyme."
Sez I, "You have probable read my books, Ulaley." Sez I, "I spoze they are devoured all over the World as eager as Ruger's Arithmetic, or the English Reader."
She made a real polite bow here, and I most knew from her looks that she wuz familiar with 'em.
And I kep right on, and sez I—
"From everything that I have hearn on you ever sence you come here I have took to you, jest as the hull of the rest of America has. We think a sight on you—you have shown a pattern of sweetness, and grace, and true politeness, that is long to be remembered.
"And I want you to know that the only reason that I hain't invited you to Jonesville to visit me is that you have had such sights and sights of company and invitations here and there, that I told Josiah that I wouldn't put another effort onto you.
"I sez to him, sez I, 'There are times when it is greater kindness to kinder slight anybody than it is to make on 'em.' And I told Josiah that though I would be tickled enough to have you come and stay a week right along, and though, as I sez to him,
"'The Infanty may feel real hurt to not have me pay no attention to her,' still I felt that I had Right on my side.
"Sez I, 'It is enough to kill a young woman to have to be on the go all the time,as she has had to.' Sez I, 'The American Eagle has jest driv her about from pillar to post. And Uncle Sam has most wore his old legs out a-escortin' her about "from pleasure to palaces," as the Him reads.'
"And then, sez I, 'She has had considerable to do with Ward McAllister, and he's dretful wearin'.'
"He's well-meanin', no doubt, and I have a good deal of sympathy for him. For, as I told Josiah, he's gittin' along in years, and I don't know what pervision eternity would give to him in the way of entertainment and use. He can't expect to go on there to all eternity a-samplin' wine, and tyin' neckties, and makin' button-hole bokays.
"And I don't suppose that he will be allowed to sort out the angels, and learn 'em to bow and walk backwards, and brand some on 'em four hundred, and pick out a few and brand 'em one hundred, and keep some on 'em back, and let some on 'em in, and act.
"I d'no what is a-goin' to be done in the next world, the home of eternal Truth and Realities, with a man who has spent his hull life a-smoothin' out and varnishin' the husks of life, and hain't paid no attention to the kernel.
"He tires America dretful, Ward duz, and I spoze like as not he'd be still more tuckerin'to Spain, not bein' used to him, and then, too, she's smaller, Spain is, and mebby can't stand so much countin' and actin'. So, as I said to Josiah, 'The Infanty is a-havin' a hard time on't with the Ward McAllisters of society;' for, sez I, 'Though she has set 'em a pattern of simple courtesy and good manners every time she's had a chance, I knew them four hundred well enough to know that it wouldn't be took.' I knew that the American Republic, as showed out by Ward McAllister and his 'postles, wouldn't be contented to use the simple, quiet courtesy of a Royal Princess.
"No; I knew America and Jonesville would have to see 'em a-goin' on, and actin', and a-plannin' which foot ort to be advanced first, and how many long breaths and how many short ones could be genteelly drawed by 'em durin' a introduction, and how many buttons their gloves must have, and how many inches the tops of their heads ort to come from the floor when they bowed, and whether their little fingers ort to be held still, or allowed to move a little.
"And while Ward and his 'postles was drawed up in a line on one side of the ball-room, and not dastin' to move hand or foot for fear they wouldn't be moved genteel, you got dead tired a-waitin' for 'em to make a move of some kind.
"It wuz a weary, tuckerin' sight to America and me, and must have been dretful for you to gone through.
"And I sez to Josiah, 'It is no wonder that the Infanty got so tired of them performances that she had to set down and rest.
"It tired America so a-seein' 'em a-pilotin' the party that she would have been glad to have sot down and rested.
"Now if I'd invited you, Ulaley, as I wanted to, I wuzn't a-calculatin' to draw up Josiah and the boys and Ury on one side of the room, and the girls and myself in a line on the other side, and not dastin' to advance and welcome you for fear I wouldn't put the right foot out first, or wouldn't put in the right number of breaths a second I ort to.
"No; I should have forgot myself in the pleasure of welcomin' you. I should have advanced to once with pride and welcome in every line of my liniment, and held out my hand in a respectful and joyful greetin', and let you know in every move I made how proud and glad I wuz to see you, and how proud and glad I wuz you could see me, and then I should have introduced Josiah and the children, who would have showed in their happy faces how truly welcome you wuz to Jonesville. You'd've enjoyed it first rate, Ulaley, and if there had been any difference in our manners from what you'd been used to, and we might have made a bow or two less than you wuz accustomed to, why, your good sense would have told you that manners in Jonesville wuz different from Madrid, and you'd expect it and enjoy the difference, mebby.
"Of course, I knew that we couldn't do by you exactly as they do in Spain in the way of amusement—we couldn't git up no bull fight, not havin' the two materials.
"But Josiah has got a old pair of steers down in our back medder that was always touchy and kinder quarrelsome. They are gittin' along in years, but mebby there is some fight left in 'em yet.
"I think like as not that Josiah and Ury could have got 'em to kinder backin' up and kickin' at each other, and actin'.
"I wouldn't gin a cent to seen it go on, but it would have been interesting I hain't a doubt on't, to them that wuz gin to that sort o' things.
"But, as I sez, I wouldn't put it on you, Ulaley."
The Infanty looked real pleasant here—she almost laughed, she looked so amiable at me; she realized well that she wuz a-meetin' one of the first wimmen of the nation, and that woman wuz a-doin' well by her.
"But, as I say, Ulaley, I knew that it wuz too hard for you. I knew that between them Ward McAllisters of society, and the hosts of your honest admirers, from Uncle Sam down to Commander Davis and Miss Mayor Gilroy, you wuz fairly beat out. And I wouldn't put you to the extra effort of comin' to Jonesville. I hated to give it up, but Duty made me, and I want you to understand it and to explain it all out to Spain jest how it wuz."
She smiled real sweet, and said she would, and she said "that she appreciated my thoughtful kindness."
She wuz too much of a lady to talk about them that had entertained her.
And I spoze shehadbeen entertained through them New York parties. She's quite a case for fun, and we got to feelin' real well acquainted with each other, and congenial.
She looked dretful pretty as she looked out sideways at me and smiled. She's as pretty as a pink.
And sez she, "You are very kind, madam; I highly appreciate your goodness."
"Yes," sez I, "it wuz nothin' but goodness that kep me back, for Josiah and I both think our eyes on you, both as a smart, pretty woman, and a representative of that country that wuz the means of discoverin' us."
And sez I with a shudder, and a skairful look onto me, "I can't bear to think of the contingency to not had Jonesville and Chicago discovered, to say nothin' of the rest of the World.
"But," sez I, "my anxiety to put myself right in your eyes has runaway with my politeness." Sez I, "How is all your folks?" Sez I, "How is little Alphonso? We think a sight of that boy here, and his Ma. She's a-bringin' him up first rate, and you tell her that I think so. It will encourage her.
"And how is your Ma?" sez I; and then I kinder backed out polite from that subject, and sez I, "I dare presoom to say that she has her good qualities; and mebby, like all the rest of the world, she has her drawbacks."
And then a thought come onto me that made me blush with shame and mortification, and sez I, "I hain't said a word about your husband." Sez I, "I have said that I would pay particular attention to that man if I come in sight on him, and here I be, jest like the rest of America, not payin' him the attention that I ort, and leavin' him a-standin' up behind you, as usual.
"How is Antoine?" sez I.
She said that "He was very well."
"Wall," sez I, "I am glad on't; from everything that America and I can learn of him he is a good feller—a manly, good-appearin', good-actin' young man.
"And America and I wish you both dretful well—you and Spain. We think dretful well of all of you; and now," sez I, with some stateliness, "I am a-goin' to withdraw myself, and not tire you out any more."
And so we shook hands cordial, and said good-bye, and I proceeded to withdraw myself, and I wuz jest a-backin' off, as I make a practice of doin' in my interviews with Royalty, when Duty gin me a sharp hunch in my left side, and I had to lock arms with her, and approach the Infanty agin on a delicate subject.
I hated to, but I had to.
Sez I, "Ulaley, I want you to forgive me for it if you feel hurt, but there is one subject that I feel as if I want to tackle you on."
Sez I, "You've acted like a perfect lady, and a sampler of all womanly and royal graces, ever sence you come over here a-visitin', good enough to frame," sez I, "and hang up in our heart of hearts.
"And there hain't but one fault that I have got to find with you, and I want to tell you plain and serious, jest as I'd love to have your folks tell Tirzah Ann if she should go over to Spain to represent Jonesville—
"I want to say, jest as kind as I can say, that if I wuz in your place I wouldn't smoke so much.
"I want to tell you that if my girl, Tirzah Ann, should ever go to Spain under the circumstances I speak on, and should light up her pipe in the Escurial, I should want you to put it out for her.
"I hate to have you smoke, Ulaley—I hate to like a dog. Of course," sez I, in reasonable axents, "if you wanted to smoke a little mullen or catnip for the tizik, I wouldn't mind it; but cigaretts are dretful onhealthy, and I'm afraid that they will undermind your constitution. And I think too much on you, Ulaley, to want you underminded."