THE END.

"God save are greasure King, longleave are noble King,God save are King.Sened are Victoria, happyand glory usGod Save are King."

A Modest Request.—It was "play-time." Wordy warfare was being waged between two cherubic little brothers of four and five summers. As the teacher drew near:—"Please, teacher, can Stanley play on my harp?" cried the bigger. "Yes, I shall! Yes, I shall!" taunted little Stanley, dancing with mischievous joy. "But, Harold, youhaven't a harp," said the teacher. "When we're in Heaven!" he muttered fiercely. "He says, when we're in Heaven he shall play on my harp!"

Not So Far Out.—At a recent visit of H.M.I. to an Essex school the children were saying a piece of poetry entitled "The Wind in a Frolic." In this piece occurs the line: "So on it went capering and playing its pranks." The inspector stopped the class here, and asked the class to tell him the meaning of capering, and also the name of any animal that cuts capers. The answers given by several boys were a kitten, a pup, a goat, a lamb, &c. However, a very happy thought struck one small boy, who immediately put up his hand and said: "A motor car!"

The Bear Song.—Billie(aged four): "Mother dear, sing me the bear song." The fond mother casting about in her mind for the song in question, but to no avail, began to sing from her customary listin the hope of hitting the right one, but her efforts were cut short by the youngster's disapproval. The mother's list of songs becoming exhausted, she changed from song to hymn, and her efforts were rewarded when she reached the hymn, "Hark, my soul"; but not until the third verse was being sung,

"Can a woman's tender careCease toward the childshe bare,"

did this fond mother appreciate the bear song.

More Ways Than One.—The teacher was busy at his desk, trying to discover the error which prevented the register from balancing, when a youngster of seven years walked forward with his hand up. "What do you want?" said the teacher, without turning round. "Please, sir, Jock Broon's callin' me names," was the reply. "Oh, get away!" exclaimed the teacher, again settling to his work. He had totalled up to near the top of the column, when the same youngster again appeared and said: "Please, sir, Jock's doing it again."The teacher was so annoyed at the second interruption that he sharply reprimanded "Jock," and threatened to punish him if he again repeated the offence. Turning to his desk, the teacher made a determined effort to discover the error in the totals, when his tormentor again appeared. Seizing the cane, the teacher turned to him and demanded to know what he wanted. "Please, sir, Jock's whistlin' it," he answered.

A Mixed Grill.—The wife of a duke is a "ducky."

A veteran is "a man what does hosses."

Coolies are "men that live in cold countries."

Mailboats are "boats that only carry men."

A husbandman is "a man with two wives."

"The first words of Zacharias on recovering his speech were: 'I am dumb.'"

Of course it was a boy who wrote that a graven image is "an idle maid with hands."

"Six days shalt thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do."

"They'ad to do it."—An inspector once asked a teacher during a lesson in Mental Arithmetic if she ever allowed a pupil to propose questions to the children. The teacher replied that she had done so. H.M.I. then asked, "Who would like to ask the other children a question?" Several hands went up instantly. "Come on, Tommy." Tommy marched in front of his class with an air of importance and confidence, born of experience, and blurted out: "A million articles at half-a-crown each."Inspector: "Well, Tommy, what do you make it yourself?"Tommy: "Please, sir,they'ad to do it, not me."

Little Jim.—Some years ago a teacher was hearing a class read the poem "Little Jim." He had been trying very hard to teach expressive reading. The children had been brought almostto tears by hearing the teacher read the verse describing the death scene, when he called on a boy to read the verse describing the return of the dead child's father. The reader evidently trusted too much to memory, for, in all earnestness and with beautiful expression, he read—

"He saw that all was overHe knew the child was dead;He took the candle in his handAnd walked upstairs to bed."

An Excellent Reason.—"Who," asked the teacher, "is your favourite writer?" Johnnie answered, "Samuel." "Why?" replied the teacher. "Because" answered Johnnie, "I like to read about him!"

Why You Couldn't.—As an exercise in composition upper standards had occasionally to write what they could upon a given maxim. The one given was: "You can't put old heads on youngshoulders." One boy gave up his paper to the master, who, upon scanning it, found the first sentence to be as follows: "Of course you can't, and if you did they wouldn't fit."

Sold Again.—During the annual examination the children in the Fifth Standard were asked to give an example of a sentence containing more than one subject. This, the inspector thought, would constitute a poser. Instantly, however, up rose a ragged, shock-headed "hoyden," who straightway began to quote from Browning's "Pied Piper":—

"'Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats,Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats,Grave old plodders, gay young friskers,Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins,Cocking tails and pricking whiskers,Families by tens and dozens,Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives,Followed the Piper for their lives.'"

The School House was Exempt.—The masterof a village school in the vicinity of Dundee was in the habit of giving out an essay to be written at home by the pupils of the first class. One Friday afternoon he gave as the subject for the weekly exercise, "Local Events." At that time scarlet fever was very prevalent in the district. One pupil of promising parts took this fact for the subject of his essay. He dwelt on the sad ravages which had taken place in the neighbourhood as the result of the epidemic, and finished by saying how pleased he was that the dreadful scourge had not visited the school house, "for the Lord delighteth not in the death of the wicked."

A Sympathetic Rendering.—A boy in a Board School recently gave the following rendering of the verse in the "Wreck of theHesperus":—

"Then up and spake an old sailor,Had sailed the Spanish main;'I pray thee put into yonder port,For I fearthe horrid cane.'"

Heaven-sent Physic.—The Diocesan Inspector: "Now, my dear children, tell me how Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed."Sharp Boy: "Brimstone and treacle from heaven, sir."

A Lesson on Fractions.—Teacher(giving lesson on fractions): "Here, children, is a piece of meat; if I cut it in two, what shall I have?"Class (tutti): "Halves!"Teacher: "And if I cut my pieces again in two, what do I get?"Class (tutti): "Quarters!"Teacher: "And if I again do the same?"Class(half-chorus): "Eighths!"Teacher: "Good. If we continue in the same way, what shall we have?"Class(a duet): "Sixteenths!"Teacher: "Very good. Let us cut our pieces once more in two, what then shall we have?"Class: Several bars rest. Dead silence. However, in the corner one pair of eyes twinkled.Teacher: "Well, Johnny, what shall we have?"Johnny(solo): "Mincemeat, ma'am!"

"Don't be Afraid, Fido."—A little dog was trembling with fear at the high wind. Little Polly put her arms round it, saying: "Don't be afraid, Fido;all the hairs of your head are numbered."

The Thing that there Isn't.—"What is a nib?" asked a little reader of four years. "Oh, I know!" said Dick; "it is that thing that there isn't when you buy a pen."

A Quaint Prayer.—A dear little child was saying her prayers aloud beside her mother's knee, and added a prayer on her own account: "Oh, please, dear God, make me pure,absolutely pure as Epps' cocoa."

What he did for a Living.—Teacher: "Now, John, what did Moses do for a living while he was staying with Jethro?" John: "Please, sir, he married one of his daughters."

An Old Friend under a New Name.—The six-year-olds had been hearing the story of the Good Samaritan. Teacher: "Who came along after the priest?" Willie: "Please, miss, the fleabite."

What becomes of the Moons.—H.M.I.: "You have all heard of new moons, full moons, and crescent moons. What becomes of the old moons?" "Please, sir, they are cut up to make stars," was a girl's reply.

Cute!—The teacher was questioning the class at the end of the object-lesson on the "Cat." "How is it that pussy can see in the dark?" said he. "Because they feed her on lights," answered the smart boy of the class.

Gross Darkness.—In reading from the Bible that gross darkness covered the face of the earth, the teacher asked what gross darkness meant. The topboy in mental arithmetic said: "One hundred and forty-four times darker than ordinary darkness."

A Novel Weapon.—"With what weapon did David slay the Philistines?" asked the examiner. "Please, sir," answered a child, "the axe of the Apostles."

Faith.—"What is Faith?" asked the inspector. "Faith," replied a ten-year-old, "is that quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue."

A Fishing-net.—"A fishing-net," wrote an ingenious Standard III. boy, "is a lot of little holes joined together by a bit of string."

Too Literal.—Teacher (to newly-joined pupil): "What's your name?" Boy: "Smiff." Teacher: "Where do you come from?" Boy: "I dun'no."Teacher: "Ever been to school before?" Boy (more brightly): "Yus." Teacher: "Was it a Board School?" Boy: "No, brick."

Excused(scarlet fever is bad in village).—Teacher: "Why did you stay away from school yesterday?" "Please sir, muvver's ill." Teacher (anxiously): "What does the doctor say it is?" "Please sir, he says it's a girl."

Defining a Parable.—The definition usually taught for a parable is, "An earthly story with a heavenly meaning." At an examination one boy wrote, "A heavenly story with no earthly meaning."

Jacob's Dream.—There is an amusing and, I believe, a true story concerning that wonderful dream of Jacob's and the angels going up the ladder to heaven. "Please, sir," asked one of the boys inthe class to which the story was being rehearsed, "why did the angels want to go up the ladder when they had wings?" This nonplussed the teacher, who took a strategic movement to rear by saying, "Ah, yes! Why? Perhaps one of the boys can answer that." And onedid. "Please, sir," said he, "because they was a-moulting."

W.H.S.B.—I am told that an inspector of schools recently asked a boy attending one of the West Ham School Board's schools what the letters W.H.S.B. carved over the door meant, and was at once informed "What Ho! She Bumps."

A Successful Failure.—The following amazing and amusing attempt at composition was the actual effort of a boy who was being examined for a "full-time" exemption certificate. The inspector had told the children to writein their own wordsthe substance of any story they had ever read in their own reading-books.This is what the budding "full-timer" produced: "A Fox and a Crow in porse I well no, many Good Things are request a Crow having venchurd a Dairy too go found a nice peace of chease which she flew in her beek to the top of a tree. A Fox just dined for chease felt inclined. She saw her fly." Poor chap! he had tried to reproduce the following:—

The fox and the crow,In prose I well know,Many good little girls can rehearse.I think it will tell,Pretty nearly as wellIf we try the same fable in verse.In a dairy a crowHaving ventured to go,Some food for her young ones to seek,Flew up in a tree,With a fine piece of cheese,Which she joyfully held in her beak.A fox who lived by,To the tree saw her fly,And to share in the prize made a vow,For having just dined,He for cheese felt inclined,So he went and sat under the bough.

The fox and the crow,In prose I well know,Many good little girls can rehearse.I think it will tell,Pretty nearly as wellIf we try the same fable in verse.

In a dairy a crowHaving ventured to go,Some food for her young ones to seek,Flew up in a tree,With a fine piece of cheese,Which she joyfully held in her beak.

A fox who lived by,To the tree saw her fly,And to share in the prize made a vow,For having just dined,He for cheese felt inclined,So he went and sat under the bough.

"'Tis a very fine day."Not a word did she say."The wind, I believe, ma'am, is southA fine harvest for peas."Then he looked at the cheese,But the crow did not open her mouth.Sly Reynard, not tired,Her plumage admired,How charming! how brilliant its hue!The voice must be fineOf a bird so divine,"So pray, let me hear it, now do!"Believe me, I longTo hear a sweet song."The silly crow foolishly tries,But she scarce gave one caw,When the cheese she let fall,And the fox ran off with the prize.

"'Tis a very fine day."Not a word did she say."The wind, I believe, ma'am, is southA fine harvest for peas."Then he looked at the cheese,But the crow did not open her mouth.

Sly Reynard, not tired,Her plumage admired,How charming! how brilliant its hue!The voice must be fineOf a bird so divine,"So pray, let me hear it, now do!

"Believe me, I longTo hear a sweet song."The silly crow foolishly tries,But she scarce gave one caw,When the cheese she let fall,And the fox ran off with the prize.

Especially for Me.—Last Christmas I was distributing the prizes at the Upper Kennington Lane Board School. I wound up with an exhortation to the boys to be good during the coming year. Said I: "Now, boys, see that when I come again next Christmas I shall hear an excellent account of you, and shall not have to be told that you have gotinto any trouble or mischief. "Same to you, sir!" shouted the whole school with one accord. Whether this was quiet humour or a mechanical reply to the time-honoured "Merry Christmas, boys!" which they had taken my final words to imply I cannot say. But I am trying to live up to the injunction as this little book attests.

The Animal Kingdom.—Teacher: "Yes, children, we are animals. Quite right. How do you know we are animals?" Tommy: "Because it says we are Jesus's lambs!"

Loyal Subjects.—Teacher: "What did the angels sing when they came to the shepherds?" Little One: "God save our Gracious King!"

Need for Caution.—One morning the curate of the parish visited the village school to conductthe usual morning service. He proceeded to give a lesson to the upper standards on "Regeneration." He commenced by asking the class if any of them could tell him the meaning of the word "Regeneration," but no reply was forthcoming. It therefore fell to the curate to define the word. He said, "Regeneration means to be born again." Addressing himself to one little fellow, the curate said, "Now, my little boy, wouldn't you like to be born again?" "No, I shouldn't," answered he. "For why?" asked the curate. The boy quickly responded, "Because I should be afraid of being a girl next time!"

Not to be Beaten.—A short time ago a lady gave a children's party, to which a little boy of four was invited. The next day he was giving some account of the fun, etc., etc., and said that every little visitor had contributed either song or recitation, music or dance, for the pleasure of the rest. "Oh dear! Jack!" said his mother "Howvery unfortunate you could do nothing!" Jack (with bravado): "Yes I could. I was not to be beaten,so I just stood up and said my prayers!"

Fold Arms.—Inspector enters babies' room smiling. Inspector: "Now, all look at me; I want you to be very good. What is it to be good?" Baby hand rises. Inspector: "Well?" Baby: "Please, mam, to fold our arms." Inspector: " Oh! How does that make you good?" Baby: "Please, mam, it keeps our bellies warm."

Self-Possessed.—She was four, and had just been promoted from the babies' class. It was a "number" lesson, and the little maid was first given three small blocks and then two others. "How many have you now?" she was asked. "One and one make two," was the reply. "Yes, I know, but I asked how many blocks you hadnow?" "One and one make two," was again the answer. "Yes, but what do three and two make?" The little arithmetician removed her thumb from her mouth, jerked it in the direction of the small boys at the other side of the room, and said, "One o' them'll tell you."

One Reason.—Vicar (catechising on cruelty): "Can any boy tell me what those marvellous insects are that travel on tracks of their own making in the woods?" Chorus: "Ants." Vicar: "Quite right. Now I have seen boys cruel enough to stamp on the laborious ants. Should you do so?" Chorus: "No, sir." Vicar: "Girls don't stamp on ants. Why not, Todd?" Todd: "Please, sir, 'cos they gets up their legs!"

Rough on the School-Board Man.—Letter from parent: "Dear Miss,—Pleese to scuse my Arry from a comin to scool this afternoon as 'ewas nocked down by a bycycle this mornin an I dont want none of them nosey old scool bored men after me, from Mrs. ——."

Why Rachel was Away.—"Dear Madam,—Plese exkuse Rachel Abrams as she had to go and fech her mother's liver."

'Nuff Said.—A tiny tot in the babies' room was being scolded by her teacher for having dirty hands. "You naughty girl! how dare you come to school with those dirty hands?" With tears streaming down her face the little tot answered, "Pease, teacher, I ain't dot no more!"

A Sensational Opening.—Teacher giving object-lesson on "Mice" to five-year-olds before H.M.I. introduces lesson by asking, "What animal is it which, when you are in bed, comes out of its holeand runs about the floor?" Five-year-old (in loud tones): "It is the li-on!"

Excused.—"Plese sur mister will you escus Charlee not been to scool as he as got no trouses and is farther wont let him come without—your torueley Mrs. B——."

The Pharisees.—By a small Londoner: "The Fareses was a very minjy, measley lot. One day one of them gave Our Lord a penny, and Our Lord held it out in His hand and looked at it with scorn, and said, 'Whose subscription is this?'"

"On Satdy."—Composition exercise by a nine-year-old: "On Satdy I do all the work, and then I go over and do all my Ants, in the afternoon I take Missis greens baby out in the Pram, i get aapeny on Satdy, sumtimes I by bulls i's. On Satdy nite I have a baf and wate up for my farther."

The Soul of Wit.—The teacher had given to each of a junior class a simple and familiar subject for composition. For twenty minutes the class composed, and was composed. The genius of the little group had been instructed to write about "Our Cat." The result of his twenty minutes deep cogitation and tremendous effort was the following essay, almost matchless for brevity, clearness, completeness, and, moreover, depth of pathos: "Our cat is dead!"

A Bit on Each Way.—Some lads who were beginning to write composition were told to write an essay on the horse. One lad had given a good description of the animal and wished to write something about its tail. He wrote the followingsentence: "The horse sometimes has a long tail or tale." When asked why he had written down the two words he replied that "he thought that if one was marked wrong the other would sure to be right."

The Exception.—The Tenth Commandment, up to date, as given at a recent Scripture examination by a lad of seven summers: "Thou shalt not covet my nabours wife, thou shalt not covet my nabours house, nor his servant nor his made nor his ox nor is ass nor anything but is ears."

See that Ye Fall Not Out.—Down in Hampshire a curate was giving a Scripture lesson on Joseph and his brethren. He asked the boys why Joseph said, "See that ye fall not out by the way." A boy from a neighbouring village, used to riding about the farm, replied, "Cause they had no tailboord to the caart."

It is Possible.—During a Scripture lesson, which was being taken by a clergyman, some boys were asked each to give a text from the Bible. One lad said, "And Judas went and hanged himself." "Well!" said the reverend gentleman, "that is hardly a good text," and, pointing to another lad, askedhimto give a text, and the lad said, "Go thou and do likewise!"

Indignation.—The following story is an amusing instance of the way in which boys mix their stories historical or scriptural. When asked for the reply of Naaman the leper to the command to wash seven times in Jordan, a boy gave the answer as, "Is thy servant a dog that he should do this thing?"

No Room for the Conscientious Objector.—A short time ago a teacher was giving a lesson on the Birth of Christ, when she referred the class tothe 9th chapter of Isaiah, and verse 6, which reads: "For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given,and the government shall be upon His shoulder," &c. Here the teacher asked what was meant by the government being upon His shoulder. One child, holding up her hand, said, "Please, teacher, it means that the child Jesus will have to be vaccinated."

The Widow Again.—The teacher had been giving a lesson on Magna Charta, during the course of which he tried to impress on the children the benefits certain Articles conferred on Englishmen at the present day. He especially drew attention to Article 20, and called upon a boy at the close of the lesson to repeat that Article. Boy: "No freeman, merchant, or villain, shall be excessively fined for a small offence; the first shall not be deprived of his means of livelihood; the second of his merchandise; and the third of hisimplements of husbandry." Teacher: "Can anyone tell me the name of animplement of husbandry." Little Girl: "Please, sir! a widow."

Thoughtful.—Billy, an urchin of five, going to school, takes an apple from his pocket, spits on it, and rubs it vigorously on his dirty and ragged trousers. "Hallo, Billy! What are you doing that for?" Billy (holding up apple and looking pleased): "'Tis for taicher. Her wont ait un if he's dirty."

The Correct Thing to Say.—Town lad's composition on "A Half-holiday": "Yesterday we had a half-holiday and I enjoyed myself very much. After dinner I did the knives and forks and cleaned the windows and the boots. Then a boy came round with a football and wanted me to go to the park with him. But I could not go because my mother was going out and I had to mind the baby. When she came home we had tea, and then I went to my place and took outorders till nine o'clock. Then I went to bed and came to school this morning. I enjoyed myself very much."

Subject to a Proviso.—Composition by boy, age seven.Time.—Morning previous to half-holiday for the opening of Kew Bridge by the King.Subject.—What I shall do this afternoon. "Wen I have had my diner I shall call for Bob Scott and his mother mite let me play tops with him in there yard. Then we shall go on the Common to here the band, andif my tea is not ready I will wait to see the King go byand I will wave my cap at him and I expect he will wave his at me."

The Rain and the Unjust.—A smart boy's composition on rain: "Rain comes down from heaven on the just and the unjust, but mostly upon the just, because the unjust have borrowedthe umbrellas of the just and have forgotten to return them."

A Surprising Prayer.—"How do we pray for the magistrates in the Litany?" asked the Vicar. "That it may please Thee to bless and keep the magistrates, giving them grace to executeall Bishops, Priests, and Deacons," answered the unconscious boy.

The "Egg-cups."—I had set the class, writes a teacher, an essay to write on "Good Manners." They had to think about it one evening and write it the next day in school. When correcting the exercise I came upon the following: "When you have the egg-cups it is good manners to put your hand before your mouth and say, 'Manners before ladies and gentlemen.'"

Balaam and the Ass.—The story as reproduced in a South London boy's essay: "It was aboutan owld gentleman as was a-wallopin' of a donkey and as the donkey was stupied he whached it with a stick, the donkey ran agin a wall and squeezed the gentlemans leg and he walloped it then and no mistake and serve it right. Then the donkey began to speak and told him, and told him he was wicked to serve him in that ere style, and a angel come down and took sides with the donkey and preached a sarmint to the owld gentleman and they all went away jolly."

An Excuse for Late Arrival at School.—The village tailor sent a note to the schoolmaster as his son James was very late one afternoon. The following is the effusion:—

"Schoolmaster dear don't cane the youth,He's not in fault to tell the truth,His mother is the greatest sinner.She would not give thekidhis dinner."

Dropped into Poetry.—The following reply, writes a teacher, was received by me some years ago from a parent, evidently of a poetical turn of mind, in answer to an inquiry as to the cause of his boy's absence from school:—

"I'm full of wants and minus riches,Truth is, William has no breeches,I mean to buy a pair to-night,To-morrow he will come all right.Accept this plain apologyFrom, dear Sir, ever yours, E. B."

On another occasion I suspected William of truant-playing, and sent a boy to make inquiry, when immediately came back the answer:—

"At one p.m. was sent to school,So must have played the nick,If thrashing truants is a rule,With my leave, use the stick."

William is now a hard-working and well-known missionary in ——.

Found Out.—A school attendance officer quite recently met a lad who, instead of being at school, was wending his way to a public-house for a pint of beer. "How is it you are not at school, my boy?" said the man of law. "It's washing day, and I'm going for a pint of ale for my mother." He let the boy go on his errand and walked straight to the lad's house. "Good morning, Mrs. So-and-so. How is it your boy is not at school this morning?" "Ah! bless you," she says, "the poor lad's ill in bed, and has been the past two days. I'm afraid we shall never rear him, for you see he's been delicate ever sin he was born." "Can I see him?" returned the officer. "Certainly, if you'll wait a minute till I see if he's awake. He's had a bad night, and I should not like to disturb him if he's asleep." The good lady went on tiptoe to the foot of the stairs and called out very softly, "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, are you awake?" Returning to the attendance officer she said, "You see, Mr. Schoolboard,Johnny's asleep, and it would be such a pity to disturb him." Just as she finished, in walks Johnny with the pint of beer. The old lady, to make the best of a bad job, threw up her hands and exclaimed, "My dear Johnny, how did you get out? What a bad lad to get out of the bedroom window again, after all I've said!"

A Trifle Inconsistent.—An excited woman rushed into school one morning holding a lad by the jacket collar. The moment she got inside she shouted out, "Now, master, here's a lad that's been playing the wag [truant], and I don't intend to leave this blessed spot until I see him skinned. Please, master, skin him alive!I must see him skinned!" she said. To make the best of a serious case, the master replied, "Well, I don't skin till ten o'clock, and it is only a quarter past nine yet, so you had better sit down till I'm ready." She took a seat, still holding the lad by the collar, and he went to hisdesk. In about five minutes she sent the boy to his class, and coming up to the master, whispered very softly into his ear: "Please, master, don't touch the poor lad, he's so delicate, you could almost blow him away with a breath!"

Johnny Worked the Clock.—"Plese Sir dont cain pore jonny he as been keping the clock agoing with a stick cos is father mendid it an it wont go now an jonny kep the clock agoing so as I would no the time so no more as it leaves me at present. ——."

Blurted Out the Truth.—A mother came with a truant one morning and said, "Please excuse my boy, he has been ill the last fortnight." The master said, "Very good, let him go to his class." The woman then turned suddenly round and, seizing the lad by the jacket, gave him a good shaking, saying at the same time, "I'll break every bone inyour dirty carcase if I've to come again and tell a pack of lies like this for you."

The Point of View.—Overheard in infants playground. Little Girl: "It's my grannie's funeral to-day. I've got threepence halfpenny and a packet of sweets already."

A Trifle Mixed.—Poor Johnny had been on an errand for his mother and was consequently late for school. His mother, in order to coax him, prepared to write a note to his teacher explaining his lateness. The look on Johnny's face made the mother somewhat dubious about Johnny's going to school, and this is how the note read: "Dear Sir,—Please excuse Johnny for being late,and kindly let me know if he hasn't been."

She was Sorry.—A boy was absent from school. The teacher sent to his home to ask the reason.The answer came back that he was playing truant—sent by the mother. The next day the master made inquiries, and found that the mother had sent this message because she did not wish the boy's father, who was at home when the messenger arrived, to know thatshehad kept him at home. During this time the boy himself was hidden in a cupboard. A few weeks after a similar occurrence happened, and a like answer was sent to the master by the mother. The next day the boy appeared with the following note: "Sir,—Sorry my boy was away yesterday, but he had to go to the hospital and was kept, and I never sent him yesterday, andI was sorry to tell a lye like last time. Please forgive me again.—Mrs. ——."

"The Lavender."—"Deer Sur,—Plese let Jon go to the lavender wen hever he wants as he as had some metson.—Yours truly, Mrs. ——."

"Res Angusta Domi."—In a village school in Devonshire the master had one morning been giving a lesson on the life of Jacob. Just as he was concluding he asked whether Jacob was rich or poor. Some stated that he was rich, while others held a contrary view. Eventually one of the lads who had stated that Jacob was poor was asked for his reason, and he replied as follows: "Please, sir, the Bible says Jacob slept with his fathers, and if he had been a rich manhe would have had a bed to his-self."

The Postman.—"The postman has to be up erly in the morning to meet the males at the station. Then he takes them to the G.P.O. where they are soughted out. Then he ties up his streets in bungles, and goes quickly from door to door, because the passengers dont' like to have their letters delaid. On his way back, he collects the pillow boxes, and conveys them to the G.P.O.Inside the postmen they are stamping letters. The postman is a simple servent because he works for the goverment and wear a uniform. He has a good time at Xmas I should like to be a postman then. He gets plenty of Xmas boxes and can read all the picture postcards."

Exactly.—The other week Standard V. were asked to write an essay on "My Home." This is how one boy commenced: "Our house is in Peel Green Road.It is on the left side going up, and the right side coming down."

On Girls.—By a boy.—"There are two sorts of children, boys and girls and of the two boys are the best. Girls cause all the rows and quarrels. They think they are wonderful if they can get a bird's feather stuck in their hat. They are proud and vain and are always gossipping and makingmischief. I simply hate them. They boast of what they can do, this that and the other and a fat lot it is when it comes to the put. If there were no girls and women in the world, it would be a very peaceful place. They love to sit and rest. Girls do vary from day to day. On washing days they think they are nearly killed. They would rather gossip half a day, than walk half a mile. Its no good, they are a bad race and deceitful. If your wife sells anything she keeps a shilling back. Girls like to wear rings and think they are ladies. They bob their hair on the top like mountains and wears a fringe to make us boys think they are pretty, but aint they just deceived. The young men have a hard job to find a good and hard working wife in these days. Girls are cowards and I never knew one to face danger. If a cow looks at them they run and cry. Boys go about with their eyes open and their mouths shut, just the opposite to girls. Boys are also strong and useful whilegirls are timid, frightened weak little creatures. I would not be a girl for £10."

"Your Grace."—A certain duchess, well known for the interest she takes in the progress of education, once visited a school in L—— and began to talk freely to a mite in the first standard. Several questions were put to the child, to which the latter replied, "Yes, ma'am," or "No, ma'am." The teacher of the class was annoyed at the frequency with which the scholar used the word "ma'am," and at last said, "You must say 'Your Grace.'" The duchess laughed heartily when the child began, "Lord, make us truly thankful, &c."

About a "Cinmattergraf."—"We had a grand cinmattergraf at school on November 30th by Eddyston. Eddyston is America man. He invented to make it. Cinmattergraf works veryfonny. If you swing a stone round it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend after you have stopet. If you are in a dark room and somebody brings a light it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend. The cinmattergraf is like a fonagrapt. It is like a mager lantin. A cinmattergraf is eaquil to five thousand candles. The ribbing rowls off one rowler on to another rowler. The cinmattergraf was worked by angle. It is like a soingnmersheen. It will play any song. The cinmattergraf talks like people. You cant understand what a gramophone says. When you light the oxgin it not give much light. When one of the things is burken the other blows in and it give bleu light. When the man shows the foters he has to put the lamp out. Because if he does not put the lamp out the pictures look shady. It is the light which helps to show the pictures. The pictures on the cinmattergraf are only an inch big. One picture that it showed was a woman laughting, and you could see every form her mouth was in. Whenall the pictures were put together they were a quarter of a mile long."

Concerning the Horse.—Standard III. boy's essay: "The horse does not belong to the cat tribe, because its paws are hoofs. It breathes with its gills when it is young and chews the cud just like other people. There are many kinds of horses such as racer horses and hunters and worker horses and little welsh ponies. A mule is a horse with long ears and if a horse had long ears it would be called a donkey. You can see the age of a horse if you look in its mouth. It is defensive with its hind legs and when they kick you, you say, Woe."

The Retort Courteous.—One of my boys, writes a friend, had his hair notched in a disgraceful manner one morning, and I quietly asked him who cut it. The accompanying note was the result:"from missus ——,—sir—as you seam so anshus to no wear my boy ad is air cut i wish to tell you that i put im in the cole seller al larst nite so as the rats cood nibbel hit horf and i cood save tuppence."

On the Baby.—"A baby is a man or woman as they first enter the world, and is sometimes called a infant, and they bring plenty of joy to its parents. Babies need much care because the bones are not strong enough for the baby to be used naturally. When a baby is a few months old a malecart is wanted so as to give it some fresh air, and it as to be nursed till it can crawle about on the flour. Most women like babies very much and wouldn't do without them. When first it is born it is very teisey and begins to cry, and they are enough to make anyone mad. It also needs a lot of care, for it will enhail any disease. Baby is the pet of the family, especially mother, who if the baby is a boy he becomes her darling boy in afteryears. When baby is about four years old it is briched if it is a boy, but if a girl she remains in her same clothes. To look after a baby is very awkard if you ain't used to it, for they jump and kick and have to be carefully handled. It is crisined when it is old enough to eat solid food. Some babies are very tiresome and have to be nutritiously looked after. My father told me that he came in a little blue box, but learned men say we came from monkeys. If the mother trys to learn it to walk very early it will make them bandy. My baby is a dear little thing!"

"To keep milk from turning sour you should leave it in the cow."—Jane, aged 10.

"The Duke of Marlborough was a great general, who always fought with a fixed determination to win or lose."—Our Sammy, aged 11.

"The name of Cæsar's wife was Cæsarea. She was above suspicion."—Small Boy's History Paper.

EXCUSED!

Teacher: "Why did you stay away yesterday, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "Please, sir, muvver's ill!"

Teacher: "Oh! that's bad! What does the doctor say it is?"

Jimmy: "Please, sir, he says it's a girl!"

Fond Mother: "Charley, do you know God's other name?"

Charley: "Yes, mamma, we learnt it to-day. Harold be Thy name!"

Parental Note: "Dear Sir,—Don't hit our Johnny. We never do it at home except in self-defence!"

Head Master: "How did God bless Abraham?"

Small Boy(in whose home there has just been a Double Event): "By giving him only one baby at a time!"

Mistress: "Why is a motor-car called 'She'?"

Small Boy: "Because it is driven by a man!"

Teacher: "Now, Frank, if you are not a good boy you won't go to heaven."

Frank: "Oh, well! I went with father in Mr. B.'s yacht, and I went to the circus. A little boy can't expect to go everywhere!"

H.M. Inspector: "If I dig right down through the earth, where shall I come to?"

Small Boy(who has been commended at the Diocesan Examination): "The devil and all his works!"

Teacher: "What is a Mediator?"

Small Boy: "A chap who says hit me instead!"

JUVENILE COMPLAINTS.

(AS DESCRIBED IN PARENTAL EXCUSE NOTES.)

"New Roger"—Neuralgia.

"Real Raw Jaw"—Neuralgia.

"Piper's Dance"—St. Vitus Dance.

"Haricot Veins"—Varicose Veins.

"Double Demoniacks"—Double Pneumonia.

"Scarlet Concertina"—Scarletina.

"Illustrated Throat"—Ulcerated Throat.

"Information of the Eye"—Inflammation of the Eye.

[AND SO ON.]

Teacher: "What is luke-warm water?"

Small Girl: "Water that lukes warm but isn't!"

Teacher: "Now, little ones, you can take off your warm overcoats. Can the bear take his off?"

Little Ones: "No, miss!"

Teacher: "Why not?"

Delighted Little One: "Because only God knows where the buttons are!"

"The anshent Britons painted themselves all over blue with the juce obtained from the tree o nolledge of Good and Evil."—From Harry's Composition Exercise.

Teacher: "What is a widow?"

Little Girl: "A lady what marries the lodger!"

Teacher: "What is this?"

Young Hopeful: "A picture of a monkey."

Teacher: "Can any child tell me what a monkey can do?"

Young Hopeful: "Please, teacher, a monkey can climb up a tree."

Teacher: "Yes, and what else can a monkey do?"

Young Hopeful: "Please, teacher, climb down again!"

Boy(reading): "She threw herself into the river. Her husband, horror-stricken, rushed to the bank——"

Teacher(interposing): "What did he run to the bank for?"

Boy: "To get the insurance money!"

H.M. Inspector: "If twenty feet of an iceberg beabovethe water, about how much isbelowthe water?"

Jim: "All the rest!"

Tommy: "Mamma, who made the lions and the elephants?"

Mamma: "God, my dear."

Tommy: "And did He make the flies, too?"

Mamma: "Yes, my dear."

Tommy(after a period of profound reflection): "Fiddlin' work making flies!"

Teacher: "Why cannot we hear the bear walk about?"

Child in Lancashire Town: "Because it hasn't got no clogs on!"

H.M. Inspector was examining a class of infants on the value of money. He held up a threepenny-piece and a penny. "Now, my children, which would you rather have, this small piece of money or the large one?" A little one held up her hand. "Well?" "Please, sir, the large one." "And why would you rather have the large one?" "Because my mother would make me put the threepenny-bit in my money-box, but I could spend the penny."

Tommy is in the Second Standard, and aged eight. The class was asked to write a short letter to teacher describing their doings on Guy Fawkes night. He began in right good style with the orthodox "Dear Miss C——." Everything went quietly till the close.It was then that Tommy shone. He wound up: "I remain, your loving son in who I am well pleased,——"

"Manners is a very good thing when you are trying for a situation."—From James Henry's Composition.

The essay was upon "Dreams." One boy who has a great dread of arithmetic dreamt he was in heaven, where his teacher kept calling out, "No sums right, stand up!"

Teacher: "Well, well, James! Home lesson sums all wrong!"

James: "Yes, teacher. I knew they would be. Father would help me!"

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