Our May had an ee to a man,Nae less than the newly-placed preacher,And we plotted a dainty bit planFor trappin' our spiritual teacher.Oh! but we were sly,We were sly an' sleekit;But, ne'er say a herrin' is dry—Until it's weel reestit an' reekit.We treated young Mr. M'Gock,An' plied him wi' tea an' wi' toddy,An' we praised every word that he spake,Till we put him maist out o' the body.Oh! but we were sly, etc.Frae the kirk we were never awa',Except when frae home he was helpin'An' then May,—an' aften us a'—Gaed far an' near after him skelpin'.Oh! but we were sly, etc.We said aye what the neebors thocht droll,That to hear him gang through wi' a sermonWas—though a wee dry on the whole—As refreshin's the dew on Mount Hermon.Oh! but we were sly, etc.But to come to the heart o' the nit,The dainty bit plan that we plottedWas to get a subscription afit,An' a watch to the minister voted.Oh! but we were sly, etc.The young women folk o' the kirkBy turns lent a han' in collectin',But May took the feck o' the markAn' the trouble the rest o' directin'.Oh! but we were sly, etc.A gran' watch was gotten belyve,An' May, wi' sma' "priggin," consentitTo be ane o' a party o' fiveTo gang to the Manse an' present it.Oh! but we were sly, etc.We a' gied a word o' adviceTo May in a deep consultation,To hae something to say unco' nice,An' to speak for the hale deputation.Oh! but we were sly, etc.Takin' present an' speech baith in han',May delivered a bonny palaver,To let Mr. M'Gock understan'How zealous she was in his favor.Oh! but we were sly, etc.She said that the gift was to proveThat his female friends valued him highly,But it couldna expressa'their love,An' she glinted her ee at him slyly.Oh! but we were sly, etc.He put the gowd watch in his fab,And proudly he said he wad wear it,An' after some flatterin' gab,He tauld May he was goin' to be marriet.Oh! but we were sly,We were sly and sleekit,But Mr. M'Gock was nae gowk,Wi' our dainty bit plan to be cheekit.May came home wi' her heart in her mouthAn' frae that hour she turned a Dissenter,An' noo she's renewin' her youthWi' some hopes o' the Burgher Precentor.Oh! but she was sly,She was sly and sleekit,An' cleverly opens ae doorAs sune as anither is sleekit.
Our May had an ee to a man,Nae less than the newly-placed preacher,And we plotted a dainty bit planFor trappin' our spiritual teacher.
Oh! but we were sly,We were sly an' sleekit;But, ne'er say a herrin' is dry—Until it's weel reestit an' reekit.
We treated young Mr. M'Gock,An' plied him wi' tea an' wi' toddy,An' we praised every word that he spake,Till we put him maist out o' the body.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
Frae the kirk we were never awa',Except when frae home he was helpin'An' then May,—an' aften us a'—Gaed far an' near after him skelpin'.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
We said aye what the neebors thocht droll,That to hear him gang through wi' a sermonWas—though a wee dry on the whole—As refreshin's the dew on Mount Hermon.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
But to come to the heart o' the nit,The dainty bit plan that we plottedWas to get a subscription afit,An' a watch to the minister voted.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
The young women folk o' the kirkBy turns lent a han' in collectin',But May took the feck o' the markAn' the trouble the rest o' directin'.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
A gran' watch was gotten belyve,An' May, wi' sma' "priggin," consentitTo be ane o' a party o' fiveTo gang to the Manse an' present it.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
We a' gied a word o' adviceTo May in a deep consultation,To hae something to say unco' nice,An' to speak for the hale deputation.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
Takin' present an' speech baith in han',May delivered a bonny palaver,To let Mr. M'Gock understan'How zealous she was in his favor.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
She said that the gift was to proveThat his female friends valued him highly,But it couldna expressa'their love,An' she glinted her ee at him slyly.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
He put the gowd watch in his fab,And proudly he said he wad wear it,An' after some flatterin' gab,He tauld May he was goin' to be marriet.
Oh! but we were sly,We were sly and sleekit,But Mr. M'Gock was nae gowk,Wi' our dainty bit plan to be cheekit.
May came home wi' her heart in her mouthAn' frae that hour she turned a Dissenter,An' noo she's renewin' her youthWi' some hopes o' the Burgher Precentor.
Oh! but she was sly,She was sly and sleekit,An' cleverly opens ae doorAs sune as anither is sleekit.
A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane
"Ah, my friends, what causes have we for gratitude—oh, yes;—for the deepest gratitude! Look at the place of our habitation. How grateful should we be that we do not leeve in the far north—oh, no!—amidst the frost and snaw, and the cauld and the weet—oh, no!—where there's a long day tae half o' the year—oh, yes!—and a lang nicht the tither—oh, yes!—that we do not depend upon the aurawry boreawlis—oh, no!—that we do net gang shivering aboot in skins—oh, no!—smoking amang the snow like modiwarts—oh, no! no!—And how grateful should webe that we do not leeve in the far south, beneath the equawtor, and a sun aye burnin', burnin'; where the sky's het—ah, yes!—and yearth's het, and the water's het, and ye're brunt black as a smiddy—ah, yes!—where there's teegars—oh, yes!—and lions—oh, yes!—and crocodiles—oh, yes!—and fearsome beasts growlin' and girnin' at ye amang the woods; where the very air is a fever, like the burnin' breath o' a fiery drawgon; that we do not leeve in these places—oh, no! no! no! no!—but that we leeve in this blessit island of oors callit Great Britain—oh, yes! yes! and in that pairt of it named Scotland, and in that bit o' auld Scotland that looks up at Ben Nevis—oh, yes! yes! yes!—where there's neither frost, nor cauld, nor wund, nor weet, nor hail, nor rain, nor teegars, nor lions, nor burnin' suns, nor hurricanes, nor——"
Here a tremendous blast of wind and rain from Ben Nevis blew in the windows of the kirk, and brought the preacher's eloquence to an abrupt conclusion.
A Different Thing Entirely
While surveying the west coast of Scotland, Captain Robinson had received on board his ship the Grand Duke Constantine. As the duke could only remain a very short time, the captain resolved to show him as much as possible during his brief stay. Accordingly he steamed to Iona on a Sunday, believing that day especially suited for pointing out to his royal visitor remains associated with religion. Landing on the island he waited on the custodian of the ancient church with the request that he would open it.
"Not so," said the keeper; "not on Sunday."
"Do you know whom I have brought to the island?" said the captain.
"He's the Emperor o' a' the Russias, I ken by the flag," responded the keeper; "but had it been the Queen hersel' I wadna' gi'e up the keys on the Lord's day."
"Would you take a glass of whiskey on the Sabbath?" inquired the captain.
"That's a different thing entirely," said the keeper.
Canny Dogs
The following is given by a Scotchman by way of illustrating the kindly consideration evinced by the Scottish peasantry towards the domestic animals—especially the shepherds to their dogs—which consequently become their attached companions. A minister calling to visit one of his flock found before the fireplace three dogs apparently asleep. At the sound of a whistle two rose up and walked out; the third remained still.
"It is odd," said the minister, "that this dog does not get up like the others."
"It's no astonishing ava," said the shepherd, "for it's no' his turn; he was oot i' the mornin'."
A Compliment by Return
The minister's man at Lintrathen, though sufficiently respectful, seldom indulges in the complimentary vein. On one occasion he handsomely acknowledged a compliment by returning another. The minister had got married, and was presented with a carriage, for which John was appointed to provide a horse. Driving out with his wife, the minister said to John in starting, "You've got us a capital horse."
"Weel, sir," said John, "it's just aboot as difficult as to choose a gude minister's wife, and we've been lucky wi' baith."
Curious Sentence
Lord Eskgrove is described by Lord Cockburn, in his "Memorials" as a most eccentric personage.
Cockburn heard him sentence a tailor for murdering a soldier, in these words: "And not only did you murder him, thereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did thrust, or pierce, or push, or project, or propel the li-thall weapon through the belly band of his regimental breeches, which were his majesty's."
Advice to an M.P.
When Sir George Sinclair was chosen member of Parliament for his native county, a man came up tohim and said: "Noo, Maister George, I'll gie ye some advice. They've made ye a Parliament man, and my advice to ye is, be ye aye tak-takin' what ye can get, and aye seek-seekin' until ye get mair."
Stretching It
Concerning the long-bow, no American effort can surpass one that comes to us from Scotland: It was told that Colonel M'Dowall, when he returned from the war, was one day walking along by The Nyroch, when he came on an old man sittinggreetin'on a muckle stone at the roadside. When he came up, the old man rose and took off his bonnet, and said:
"Ye're welcome hame again, laird."
"Thank you," said the colonel; adding, after a pause, "I should surely know your face. Aren't you Nathan M'Culloch?"
"Ye're richt, 'deed," said Nathan, "it's just me, laird."
"You must be a good age, now, Nathan," says the colonel.
"I'm no verra aul' yet, laird," was the reply; "I'm just turnt a hunner."
"A hundred!" says the colonel, musing; "well, you must be all that. But the idea of a man of a hundred sitting blubbering that way! Whatever couldyouget to cry about?"
"It was my father lashed me, sir," said Nathan, blubbering again; "an' he put me oot, so he did."
"Your father!" said the colonel; "is your father alive yet?"
"Leevin! ay," replied Nathan; "I ken that the day tae my sorrow."
"Where is he?" says the colonel. "What an age he must be! I would like to see him."
"Oh, he's up in the barn there," says Nathan; "an no' in a horrid gude humor the noo, aither."
They went up to the barn together, and found the father busy threshing the barley with the big flail, and tearing on fearful. Seeing Nathan and the laird coming in, he stopped and saluted the colonel, who, afterinquiring how he was, asked him why he had struck Nathan.
"The young rascal!" says the father, "there's nae dooin' wi' him; he's never oot o' mischief. I had to lick him this mornin'for throwin' stanes at his grandfather!"
Driving the Deevil Out
A Scotch minister, named Downes, settled in a rural district in the north of Ireland, where the people are more Scotch in language and manners than in the land o' cakes itself. One evening he and a brother divine set out together to take part in some religious service.
Meeting one of his parishioners on the way, the latter quaintly observed, "Weel, Mr. Downes, you clergymen 'ill drive the deevil oot o' the country the nicht!"
"Yes," replied the minister, "we will.I see you are making your escape."
Tommy did not use the deevil's name in his pastor's presence again.
Mental Aberration
In Lanarkshire, Scotland, there lived, about fifty years ago, a poor crazy man, by name Will Shooler. Will was a regular attendant of the parish church in the town, on the ceiling of which there was, for ornament, a dove with outstretched wings. One Sabbath day, Will grew rather tired of the sermon, and throwing his arms and head back, he saw the dove, and exclaimed, "O Lord! what a big hen!"
Sunday Shaving and Milking
On first going to Ross-shire to visit and preach for my friend Mr. Carment, I asked him on the Saturday evening before retiring to rest whether I would get warm water in the morning. Whereupon he held up a warning hand, saying: "Whist, whist!"
On my looking and expressing astonishment, he said, with a twinkle in his eye, "Speak of shaving on the Lord's day in Ross-shire, and you never need preach here more!"
In that same county Sir Kenneth Mackenzie directed my attention to a servant-girl, who, if not less scrupulous, was more logical in her practice. She astonished her master, one of Sir Kenneth's tenants, by refusing to feed the cows on the Sabbath. She was ready to milk, but by no means feed them—and her defence shows that though a fanatic, she was not a fool.
"The cows," she said—drawing a nice metaphysical distinction between what are not and what are works of necessity and mercy that would have done honor to a casuist—"the cows canna milk themselves; so to milk them is clear work of necessity and mercy; but let them out to the fields, and they'll feed themselves." Here certainly wasscrupulosity; but the error was one that leaned to the right side. [15]
A Typical Quarrel
The story of the happy young couple who quarreled on the first day of their housekeeping life about the "rat" or the "mouse" which ran out of the fireplace, it seems, had its origin "long time ago" in the incident thus done into rhyme. The last verse explains the mysterious mistake:
John Davidson, and Tib his wife,Sat toastin' their taes ae nicht,When something startit in the fluirAnd blinkit by their sicht."Guidwife," quoth John, "did you see that moose?Whar sorra was the cat?""A moose?"—"Ay, a moose."—"Na, na, guidman,It wasna a moose! 'twas a rat.""Ow, ow, guidwife, to think ye've beenSae lang aboot the hoose,An' no' to ken a moose frae a rat!Yan wasna a rat! 'twas a moose!""I've seen mair mice than you, guidman—An' what think ye o' that?Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair—I tell ye,itwas arat.""Mehaud my tongue foryou, guidwife!I'll be mester o' this hoose—I saw't as plain as een could see,An' I tell ye,itwas amoose.""If you're the mester of the hoose,It's I'm the mistress o't;An' I ken best what's in the hoose—Sae I tell ye,itwas arat.""Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose,An' ca' it what ye please."So up she rose and mad' the brose,While John sat toastin' his taes.They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,And aye their lips played smack;They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,Till their lugs began to crack."Sic fules we were to fa' out, guidwife,About a moose"—"A what?It's a lee ye tell, an' I say again,It wasna a moose, 'twas a rat.""Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face?My faith, but ye craw crouse!I tell you, Tib, I never will bear 't—""'Twas a moose"—"'Twas a rat"—"'Twas a moose."Wi' that she struck him ower the pow—"Ye dour auld doit, tak' that—Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph—'Twas a rat."—"'Twas a moose!"—"'Twas a rat!"She sent the brose caup at his heelsAs he hirpled ben the hoose;Yet he shoved out his head, as he steekit the door,And cried, "'Twas a moose, 'twas a moose!"But when the carle fell asleepShe paid him back for that,And roared into his sleepin' lug,"'Twas arat, 'twas arat, 'twas a RAT!"The devil be wi' me if I thinkIt was a beast, at all—Next morning, when she swepit the fluir,She found wee Johnnie's ball!
John Davidson, and Tib his wife,Sat toastin' their taes ae nicht,When something startit in the fluirAnd blinkit by their sicht.
"Guidwife," quoth John, "did you see that moose?Whar sorra was the cat?""A moose?"—"Ay, a moose."—"Na, na, guidman,It wasna a moose! 'twas a rat."
"Ow, ow, guidwife, to think ye've beenSae lang aboot the hoose,An' no' to ken a moose frae a rat!Yan wasna a rat! 'twas a moose!"
"I've seen mair mice than you, guidman—An' what think ye o' that?Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair—I tell ye,itwas arat."
"Mehaud my tongue foryou, guidwife!I'll be mester o' this hoose—I saw't as plain as een could see,An' I tell ye,itwas amoose."
"If you're the mester of the hoose,It's I'm the mistress o't;An' I ken best what's in the hoose—Sae I tell ye,itwas arat."
"Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose,An' ca' it what ye please."So up she rose and mad' the brose,While John sat toastin' his taes.
They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,And aye their lips played smack;They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,Till their lugs began to crack.
"Sic fules we were to fa' out, guidwife,About a moose"—"A what?It's a lee ye tell, an' I say again,It wasna a moose, 'twas a rat."
"Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face?My faith, but ye craw crouse!I tell you, Tib, I never will bear 't—""'Twas a moose"—"'Twas a rat"—"'Twas a moose."
Wi' that she struck him ower the pow—"Ye dour auld doit, tak' that—Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph—'Twas a rat."—"'Twas a moose!"—"'Twas a rat!"
She sent the brose caup at his heelsAs he hirpled ben the hoose;Yet he shoved out his head, as he steekit the door,And cried, "'Twas a moose, 'twas a moose!"
But when the carle fell asleepShe paid him back for that,And roared into his sleepin' lug,"'Twas arat, 'twas arat, 'twas a RAT!"
The devil be wi' me if I thinkIt was a beast, at all—Next morning, when she swepit the fluir,She found wee Johnnie's ball!
A Ready Student
Dr. Richie, of Edinburgh, though a very clever man, once met his match. When examining a student as to the classes he attended, he said: "I understand you attend the class for mathematics?"
"Yes."
"How many sides has a circle?"
"Two," said the student.
"Indeed! What are they?"
"An inside and an outside."
A laugh among the students followed this answer.
The doctor next inquired: "And you attend the moral philosophy class, also?"
"Yes."
"Well, you doubtless heard lectures on various subjects. Did you ever hear one on 'Cause and Effect?'"
"Yes."
"Does an effect ever go before a cause?"
"Yes."
"Give me an instance."
"A barrow wheeled by a man."
The doctor hastily sat down and proposed no more questions.
Appearing "in Three Pieces"
Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage near Edinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the accident, said: "We are happy to state he was able to appear the following evening in three pieces."
"Every Man to His Own Trade"
A worthy old Scotch minister, who didn't object to put his hand to a bit of work when occasion required it, was one day forking sheaves in the stackyard tohis man John, who was "biggin'." One of the wheels of the cart on which the minister was standing happened to be resting on a sheaf, and when the cart was empty his reverence said: "That's them a' noo, John, excep' ane 'at's aneath the wheel, an' ye'll hae to come an' gie's a lift up wi' the wheel ere I get it oot." "Oh," said John, "just drive forrit the cart a bit." "Very true, very true," rejoined the minister; "every man to his own trade."
From Different Points of View
The following anecdote is related of Sir James Mackintosh, the Scotch philosopher and historian, and the celebrated Dr. Parr: Sir James had invited the reverend doctor to take a drive in his gig. The horse became very restive and unmanageable. "Gently, gently, Jemmy," said the doctor, "pray don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, whatever you do, Jemmy! You'll do better without me, I am certain; so let me down, Jemmy—let me down." Once onterra firma, the doctor's views of the case were changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up," said he. "Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave you to manage him—I'll walk back."
Speaking from "Notes"
A porter at a Scotch railway station, who had grown grey in the service, was one day superintending matters on the platform, when the parish minister stepped up to him and asked when the next train arrived from the south. The aged official took off his cap and carefully read the hour and the minute of the train from a document stuck in the crown.
Somewhat surprised at this, the minister said: "Dear me, John, is your memory failing, or what is up with you? You used to have all these matters entirely by heart."
"Weel, sir," said John, "I dunna ken if my memory's failin', or fat's up; but the fac' is I'm growin' like yersel'—I cunna manage without the paper."
"Consecrated" Ground
The Police Commissioners of Broughton Ferry, near Dundee, some time since compelled house proprietors to lay down concrete on the footpath in front of their properties. An old lady, residing in a cottage, proudly told a friend the other day that the front of her house had been "consecrated up to the vera doorstep."
Unanswerable
When a Scotchman answers a question, he settles the matter in dispute once for all. On a certain occasion the question was asked: "Why was Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" Sandy Kerr promptly answered: "Because her mither was staying there, sir;" and there actually seemed to be nothing more to say on the subject.
Practical Thrift
An admirable humorous reply, says Dean Ramsay, is recorded by a Scotch officer, well known and esteemed in his day for mirth and humor. Captain Innes, of the Guards (usually called Jack Innes by his contemporaries), was, with others, getting ready for Flushing or some of those expeditions of the great war. His commanding officer, Lord Huntly, remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one. "Na, na, bide a wee," said Jack. "Where we're gain', faith, there'll soon be mair hats nor heads." [7]
Fool Finding
A Scotch student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by a professor, in the course of his examination, how he would discover a fool? "By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly suggestive reply.
Robbing on Credit
A Scotch parson said recently, somewhat sarcastically, of a toper, that he put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, but that the enemy, after a thorough search, returned without anything.
Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something
A Scotch lad was on one occasion accused of stealing some articles from a doctor's shop. The judge was much struck with his respectable appearance, and asked him why he was guilty of such a contemptible act.
"Weel, ye see," replied the prisoner, "I had a bit of pain in my side, and my mither tauld me tae gang tae the doctor's and tak' something."
"Oh, yes," said the judge, "but surely she didn't tell you to go and take an eight-day clock!"
The prisoner was evidently nonplused, but it was only for a moment. Turning to the judge, a bright smile of humor stealing over his countenance, he replied quietly:
"There's an auld proverb that says, 'Time an' the doctur cure a' diseases,' an' sae I thocht"—but the remainder was lost in the laughter of the court.
A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious
The late Rev. Dr. John Hunter, the much-loved minister of the Tron Parish, Edinburgh, had a call one morning from one of his many poor parishioners, who said he had come to ask a favor. On the worthy minister's requesting him to specify its nature, he replied, "Weel, sir, it's to marry me."
"Very good, John," the minister said; "let me know the place, day and hour, and I shall be at your service."
"But, sir," the bridegroom answered, "it's the noo!" (The bride was waiting outside.)
"Filthy and untidy as you are! No, no; go home and wash, and dress yourself, and then I shall be prepared to perform the ceremony."
"Bless ye, sir, ye should seeher!" was the response of the applicant.
Pulpit Aids
Young Minister: "I don't think I need put on the gown, John; it's only an encumbrance."
Beadle: "Ay, sir; it makes ye mair impressive—an' ye need it a', sir, ye need it a'."
Choosing a Minister
The parish kirk of Driechtor had been rather unfortunate in its ministers, two of them having gone off in a decline within a twelvemonth of their appointment, and now, after hearing a number of candidates for the vacancy, the members were looking forward with keen interest to the meeting at which the election takes place.
"Weel, Marget," asked one female parishioner of another, as they foregathered on the road one day, "wha are you gaun to vote for?"
"I'm just thinkin' I'll vote for nane o' them. I'm no muckle o' a judge, an' it'll be the safest plan," was Marget's sagacious reply.
"Toots, woman, if that's the way o't, vote wi' me."
"An' hoo are you gaun to vote?"
"I'm gaun to vote for the soundest lungs, an'll no bother us deein' again in a hurry."
Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook
During the earlier visits of the royal family to Balmoral, Prince Albert, dressed in a very simple manner, was crossing one of the Scotch lakes in a steamer, and was curious to note everything relating to the management of the vessel, and among other things, the cooking. Approaching the galley, where a brawny Highlander was attending the culinary matters, he was attracted by the savory odors of a compound known by Scotchmen as "hodge-podge," which the Highlander was preparing.
"What is that?" asked the prince, who was not known to the cook.
"Hodge-podge, sir," was the reply.
"How is it made?" was the next question.
"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't and——
"Yes, yes," said the prince, who had not learned that "intil't" meant "into it;" "but what is intil't?"
"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't and——"
"Yes, I see, but what is intil't?"
The man looked at him, and seeing the prince was serious, he replied: "There's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't and——"
"Yes, certainly, I know," urged the inquirer; "but what is intil't—intil't?"
"Ye daft gowk," yelled the Highlander, brandishing a large spoon, "am I no' telling ye what's intil't! There's mutton intil't and——"
Here the interview was brought to a close by one of the prince's suite, who was fortunately passing, and stepped in to save his royal highness from being rapped over the head with the big spoon while in search of information from the cook.
"To Memory 'Dear'"
"Jeems," said the laird one day to his gardener, "there was something I was going to ask you, but man, for the life o' me I canna mind what it was." "Mebbe," said Jeems, who had received no pay for three weeks, "mebbe," said he, "it was to spier at me fat wey I was keepin' body and soul thegither on the wages I wasna gettin'."
Good "for Nothing"—not the Goodness Worth Having
It was a wet day and Jamie Stoddart could not go out to play; Mrs. Stoddart, who had just cleared away the breakfast things, and was about to commence a big heap of ironing, noticed sighs of incipient restlessness in the laddie, and said; "Now, I hope you'll be a good boy the day, Jamie; I've an awfu' lot o' work to dae, an' I can't have you bothering me." "Wull ye gie me a penny if I'm awfu' guid a' day lang?" asked her son. "Mebbe I will," was the reply; "but would it no' be better to be a guid laddie just to please me?" "I'm no' sae shuir o' that," answered the laddie, reflectively. "Ma teacher at the schule says it aye better to be good even for a little, than to be guid for naething." He got that penny.
"The Weaker Vessel"
The minister of a parish in Scotland was called in some time ago to effect a reconciliation between a fisherman of a certain village and his wife. After using all the arguments in his power to convince the offending husband that it was unmanly in him, to say the least of it, to strike Polly with his fist, the minister concluded: "David, you know that the wife is the weaker vessel, and you should have pity on her."
"Weel, then," said David, sulkily, "if she's the weaker vessel she should carry the less sail."
Minding His Business
An Englishman traveling in the north of Scotland, came up to a macadamizer of the roads, and while he was busy breaking the road metal, asked him if the direction in which he was going was the way to Aberdeen. The laborer, glad to rest himself a little, dropped his hammer, and said quietly to the stranger, "Now, where cam' ye from?" The traveler, nettled at not receiving a direct answer, asked him, "What business have you with where I came from?" The macadamizer, taking up his hammer and beginning to resume his occupation, said, "Oh, just as little business as where you are gauin to!"
"Married!"—Not "Living"
"Weel, Girzie, how are ye leevin'?" said one. "Me! I'm no leevin' at a'. I'm mairret!"
A Powerful Preacher
Shortly after a Congregational chapel had been planted in the small burgh of Bonnytown, an incident occurred which showed that the powers of its minister were appreciated in certain quarters. A boy, named Johnny Fordyce, had been indiscreet enough to put a sixpence in his mouth and accidently swallowed it. Mrs. Fordyce, concerned both for her boy and the sixpence, tried every means for its recovery, consulted her neighbors, and finally in despair called in a doctor, but without result. As a last resort, a womanpresent suggested that they should send for the Congregationalist "meenister." "The meenister," chorused mother and neighbors. "Ay, the meenister," rejoined the old dame; "od's, if there's ony money in him he'll sune draw it oot o' 'm!"
Lost Dogs
"What dogs are these, Jasper?" inquired a gentleman of a lad, who was dragging a couple of waspish-looking terriers along a street in Edinburgh. "I dinna ken, sir," replied the urchin; "they came wi' the railway, and they ate the direction, and dinna ken whar to gang."
Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar
Early in the nineteenth century, Sandy Frazer, a native of the northern part of this island—who by vending of linen, which he carried around the country on his back, had acquired the sum of one hundred pieces of gold—resolving to extend his business by the addition of other wares, set out for London, in order to purchase them at the best advantage. When he had arrived within a few miles of the end of his journey, he was obliged to take shelter in a house of entertainment—which stood in a lonely part of the road—from a violent storm of wind and rain. He had not been there long, before he was joined by two horsemen of genteel appearance, who stopped on the same account. As he was in possession of the fire-side, they were under necessity of joining company with him, in order to dry themselves; which otherwise the meanness of his appearance would probably have prevented their doing.
The new companions had not sat long, before the cheerfulness of his temper, and something uncommonly droll in his conversation, made them invite him to sup with them at their expense; where they entertained him so generously, that, forgetting his national prudence, he could not forbear shewing his treasure, as a proof of not being unworthy of the honor they had done him.
The storm having obliged them to remain all night, they departed together the next morning; and as a farther mark of their regard they kept company with him, though he traveled on foot, till they came into a solitary part of the road, when, one of them, putting a pistol to his breast, took of him the earnings of his whole life, leaving him only a single piece of gold, which, by good fortune, he happened to have loose in his pocket. His distress at such a loss may be easily conceived: however, he sank not under it. A thought instantly occurred to him how it might possibly be retrieved, which he lost not a moment in proceeding to execute. He had observed that the master of the house, where he had met these two plunderers, seemed to be perfectly acquainted with them; he returned therefore thither directly, and feigned to have been taken suddenly ill on the road with a disorder of the bowels; called for some wine, which he had heated, and rendered still stronger with spice. All the time he was drinking it, he did nothing but pray for his late companions; who, he said, had not only advised him to take it, but had also been so generous as to give him a piece of gold (which he produced) to pay for it; and then, seeming to be much relieved, he lamented most heavily his not knowing where to return thanks to his benefactors; which he said, the violence of his pain had made him forget to inquire.
The master of the house, to whom his guests had not mentioned the man's having money, that he might not expect to share it with them, never suspected the truth of his story, informed him without scruple, who they were, and where they lived. This was directly what he had schemed for. He crawled away till he was out of sight of the house, in order to keep up the deceit, when he made all the haste he could to town; and, inquiring for his spoilers, he had the satisfaction to hear they were people in trade, and of good repute for their wealth.
The next morning, therefore, as soon, as he thought they were stirring, he went to the house of one of them, whom he found in the room where his merchandise was exposed for sale. The merchant instantly knew him; but, imagining he came on some other business (for he did not think it possible that he could have traced him, or even that he could know him in his altered appearance) asked him in the usual way what he wanted.
"I want to speak wi' ye in private, sir," he answered, getting between him and the door; and then, on the merchant's affecting surprise—"In gude troth, sir," he continued, "I think it is somewhat strange that ye shud na ken Sandy, who supped with ye the neeght before the laust, after au the kindness ye shewed to him." Then lowering his voice, so as not to be overheard by the people present, he told him, with a determined accent, that if he did not instantly return him his money, he would apply to a magistrate for redress.
This was a demand which admitted not of dispute. The money was paid him, gratuity for having lent it, and his receipt taken to that effect; after which he went directly to the other, upon whom he made a like successful demand.
The Highlander and the Angels
A genuine Highlander was one day looking at a print from a picture by one of the old masters, in which angels were represented blowing trumpets. He inquired if the angels played on trumpets, and being answered in the affirmative, made the following pithy remark:
"Hech, sirs, but they maun be pleased wi' music. I wonder they dinna borrow a pair o' bagpipes!"
One Side of Scotch Humor
Charles Lamb was present at a party of North Britons, where a son of Burns was expected, and he happened to drop a remark that he wished it were the father instead of the son, when four of the Scotchmen started up at once, saying that it was impossible, because he (the father) was dead.
Reproving a Miser
Lord Braco was his own factor and collected his own rents, in which duties he is said to have been so rigorously exact that a farmer, being one rent-day deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge to a considerable distance to procure that little sum before he would grant a discharge. When the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his lordship, "Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a shilling for a sight o' a' the gowd and siller ye hae." "Weel, man," answered the miser, "it's no cost ye ony mair"; and he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of gold and silver coin. "Now," said the farmer, "I'm as rich as yourself, Braco." "Ay, man," said his lordship, "how can that be?" "Because I've seen it," replied the countryman, "and ye can do nae mair."
A Shrewd Reply
Sir Walter Scott says that the alleged origin of the invention of cards produced one of the shrewdest replies he had ever heard given in evidence. It was by the late Dr. Gregory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's testimony went to prove the insanity of the party whose mental capacity was the point at issue. On a cross-interrogation he admitted that the person in question played admirably at whist. "And do you seriously say, doctor," said the learned counsel, "that a person having a superior capacity for a game so difficult, and which requires in a pre-eminent degree, memory, judgment and combination, can be at the same time deranged in his understanding?" "I am no card player," said the doctor, with great address, "but I have read in history that cards were invented for the amusement of an insane king." The consequences of this reply were decisive.
Two Good Memories
A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called as she passed by Crieff upon an oldmaster with whom she had formerly served. Being kindly invited by him to share in the family dinner, and the usual ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl, anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed: "Ah, master, ye maun hae a grond memory, for that's the grace ye had when I was wi' you seven years ago."
Compensation
A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were laboring under affliction: "Time is short, and if your cross is heavy you have not far to carry it."
Fowls and Ducks!
A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the affair of Captain Porteous, and telling of the variety of shot which was fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle what kind of shot it was? "Why," said the man in his broad dialect, "sic as they shoot fools (fowls) wi' an' the like." "What kind of fools?" asked the duke, smiling at the word. "Why, my lord, dukes (ducks) and sic' kin' o' fools."
Square-Headed
A learned Scottish lawyer being just called to the Bench, sent for a new tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his apparatus in one direction was observed to smile; upon which the judge desired to know what ludicrous circumstance gave rise to his mirth? The barber replied that he could not but remark the extremelengthof his honor's head. "That's well," said Lord S——, "we lawyers have occasion forlong heads!" The barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last declared that he could not possibly contain himself when he discovered that "his lordship's head was just as thick as it was long!"
Refusing Information
Two Scotchmen met the other day on one of the bridges of Glasgow, one of them having in his hand a very handsome fowling-piece, when the following dialogue ensued: "Ods, mon, but that's a bonny gun." "Ay, deed is it." "Whaur did you get it?" "Owre by there." "And wha's it for?" "D'ye ken the yeditor of the GlasgowHerald?" "Ou ay." "Weel, it's nae for him."
Sabbath Breaking
The following anecdote is told in illustration of the Scotch veneration for the Sabbath: A geologist, while in the country, and having his pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye and ready tongue of an old Scotchwoman. "What are you doing there, man?" "Don't you see? I'm breaking a stone." "Y'are doing mair than that; y'are breaking the Sabbath."
Highland Simplicity
On one occasion a young girl fresh from the West Highlands came on a visit to a sister she had residing in Glasgow. At the outskirts of the town she stopped at a toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her knuckles on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action, and curious to know what she wanted, came out, when she very demurely interrogated him as follows:
"Is this Glasco?"
"Yes."
"Is Peggy in?"
The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences
As might have been expected, perhaps, Dean Ramsay is especially copious in clerical stories and those trenching on theological topics. He tells us how a man who was asked what Adam was like, first described our general forefather somewhat vaguely as "just like ither fouk." Being pressed for a more special description, he likened him to a horse-couperknown to himself and the minister. "Why was Adam like that horse-couper?" "Weel," replied the catechumen, "naebody got onything by him, and mony lost."
Remarkable Presence of Mind
A well-known parsimonious Scottish professor was working one day in his garden in his ordinary beggarlike attire, and was alarmed to see the carriage of the great man of the parish whirling rapidly along the road to his house. It was too late to attempt a retreat, and get himself put in order to receive "my lord." To retreat was impossible; to remain there and as he was, to be shamed and disgraced. With a promptitude seldom or never surpassed, he struck his battered hat down on his shoulders, drew up his hands into the sleeves of his ragged coat, stuck out his arms at an acute angle, planted his legs far apart, and throwing rigidity into all his form, stood thus in the potato ground, the very beau-ideal of what in England is called a "scarecrow," in Scotland "a potato-bogle," never suspected by the visitors as they drove up to the front entrance, while he made for the back door to don his best suit.
Beginning Life Where He Ought to Have Ended, and Vice Versa
A worthy Scotch couple, when asked how their son had broken down so early in life, gave the following explanation: "When we began life together we worked hard and lived on porridge, and such like; gradually adding to our comforts as our means improved, until we were able to dine off a bit of roast beef, and sometimes a boiled chickie (chicken); but Jack, our son, he worked backwards and began with the chickie first."
How to Exterminate Old Thieves
The humorous, but stern criminal judge, Lord Braxfield, had a favorite maxim which he used frequently to repeat: "Hang a thief when he's young, and he'll no steal when he's auld."
A Sympathetic Hearer
An old minister in the Cheviots used, when excited in the pulpit, to raise his voice to a loud half-whimper, half-whine. One day a shepherd had brought with him a young collie, who became so thrilled by the high note of the preacher that he also broke out into a quaver so like the other that the minister stopped short. "Put out that collie," he said, angrily. The shepherd, equally angry, seized the animal by the neck, and as he dragged him down the aisle, sent back the growling retort at the pulpit, "It was yersel' begond it!"
Ginger Ale
A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some of his electioneering friends to a dinner, during which the champagne circulated freely, and was much relished by the honest bodies; when one of them, more fond of it than the rest, bawled out to the servant who waited, "I say, Jock, gie us some mair o' thatginger yill, will ye?"
A Conditional Promise
At Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made aclankingnoise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her: "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to heaven, and gin ye should see our folk, ye can tell them that we're all weel." To which Jenny replied: "Weel, gin I should see them, I'se tell 'em. But you maunna expect that I'se to gang clank, clanking thro heaven looking for your folk."
Scripture Examination
An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once a week through Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards asked them promiscuously such questions as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired a young urchin to tell him who Jesse was; when the boy briskly replied, "The Flower of Dunblane, sir."
A Minor Major
Lord Annandale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady mother, hearing a noise in thenursery, rang to know the cause of it. "It's only," said the servant, "the major greetin' (crying) for his porridge!"
A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account
An old Scotch grave-digger was remonstrated with one day at a funeral for making a serious over-charge for digging a grave.Weel, ye see, sir," said the old man, in explanation, making a motion with his thumb towards the grave, "him and me had a bit o' a tift twa-three years syne owre the head of a watch I selt him, an' I've never been able to get the money oot o' him yet. 'Now,' says I to myself, 'this is my last chance, an' I'll better tak' it.'"
"Hearers Only—Not Doers"
Could anything be better than the improvement of a minister of Arran, who was discoursing on the carelessness of his flock? "Brethren, when you leave the church, just look down at the duke's swans; they are vera bonny swans, an' they'll be sooming about an' dooking doon their heads and laving theirsels wi' the clean water till they're a' drookit; then you'll see them sooming to the shore, an' they'll gie their wings a bit flap an' they're dry again. Now, my friends, you come here every Sabbath, an' I lave you a' ower wi' the Gospel till you are fairly drookit wi't. But you just gang awa hame, an' sit doon by your fireside, gie your wings a bit flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again."
The Chieftain and the Cabby
The following story illustrates the disadvantage of having an article in common use called after one's own name. The chief of the clan McIntosh once had a dispute with a cabman about his fare. "Do youknow who I am?" indignantly exclaimed the Highlander; "I am the McIntosh."
"I don't care if you are an umbrella," replied the cabby; "I'll have my rights."
Not All Profit
A humorous minister of Stirling, hearing that one of his hearers was about to be married for the third time, said to him: "They tell me, John, you are getting money wi' her; you did so on the last two occasions; you'll get quite rich by your wives."
"'Deed, sir," quietly replied John, "what wi' bringin' them in and puttin' them out, there's nae muckle be made of them."
Pie, or Patience?
A little Scotch boy, aged five, was taking dinner at his grandfather's and had reached the dessert. "I want some pie," said young Angus.
"Have patience," said his grandmother.
"Which would you rather have, Angus," said grandfather; "patience or pie?"
"Pie," replied Angus, emphatically.
"But then," said his grandfather, "there might not be any left for me."
"Well," said Angus, "you have some of patience."
How to Treat a Surplus
In a school in Aberdeenshire, one day, a dull boy was making his way to his master for the third time with an arithmetical question. The teacher, a little annoyed, exclaimed, "Come, come, John, what's the matter now?"
"I canna get ma question richt," replied the boy.
"What's wrong with it, this time?"
"I've gotten auchteenpence ower muckle."
"Never mind," said a smart boy, in a loud whisper, with a sly glance at the master, "keep it tae yersel', Jock."
Landseer's Deadly Influence
An amusing incident took place during one of Landseer's early visits to Scotland. In the course of his journey he stopped at a village, and as his habitwas, took great notice of the many dogs, jotting down sketches of such as took his fancy most. On the next day he continued his journey. As he passed through the village, Landseer was surprised and horrified to see dogs of all kinds, some of which he recognized, hanging dead from trees or railings on every side. Presently he saw a boy, who, with tears in his eyes, was hurrying a young pup towards the river to drown it. He questioned the urchin, and to his surprise found that the villagers looked upon him as an excise-officer, who was taking notes of the dogs with a view to prosecute the owners of such as had not paid their tax.
Trying One Grave First
An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife who was dying. She took him by the hand and said: "Weel, John, we're gowin' to part. I have been a gude wife to you, John." "Oh, just middling, Jenny, just middlin'," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirkyard at Str'avon, beside my mither. I could'na rest in peace among unco' folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow." "Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John, soothingly, "we'll just try ye in Glasgow first, an' gin ye dinna lie quiet, we'll try you in Str'avon." [8]
"Capital Punishment"—Modified
Two Scotchmen, turning the corner of a street rather sharply, come into collision. The shock was stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and, laying his hand on his forehead, said: "Sic a blow! My heed's a' ringin' again!"
"Nae wonder," said his companion; "your head was aye empty—that makes it ring. My heed disna ring a bit."
"How could it ring," said the other, "seeing it was crackit?"
Matter More Than Manner
Norman M'Leod was once preaching in a district in Ayrshire, where the reading of a sermon is regarded as the greatest fault of which the minister can beguilty. When the congregation dispersed an old woman, overflowing with enthusiasm, addressed her neighbor. "Did ye ever hear onything sae gran'? Wasna that a sermon?" But all her expressions of admiration being met by a stolid glance, she shouted: "Speak, woman! Wasna that a sermon?" "Ou ay," replied her friend sulkily; "but he read it." "Read it!" said the other, with indignant emphasis. "I wadna care if he had whistled it."
Curious Use of a Word
The word "honest" has in Scotland a peculiar application, irrespective of any integrity of moral character. It is a kindly mode of referring to an individual, as we would say to a stranger: "Honest man, would you tell me the way to——?" or as Lord Hermand, when about to sentence a woman for stealing, began remonstratively; "Honest woman, what gar'd ye steal your neighbor's tub?"
Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined
A clergyman in Scotland, who had appointed a day for the catechising of some of his congregation, happened to receive an invitation to dinner for the same day, and having forgotten his previous engagement, he accepted it. Just as he was mounting his gig to depart, he perceived the first of his class entering his garden, and the remainder coming over the hill, and at once became aware of the mistake he had made. Here was a fix. But the minister's ready wit soon came to his assistance.
"What have you come for, John?" he asked, addressing the first comer.
"An' dee ye no' remember, sir, ye bade us come to be catecheesed?"
"Ou, ay; weel, no' to keep ye going further, John, was it a hoorned coo or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?"
"'Deed, sir, I canna tell."
"Weel, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot."
The Value of a Laugh in Sickness
Dr. Patrick Scougal, a Scottish bishop, in the seventeenth century, being earnestly sought by an old woman to visit her sick cow, the prelate, after many remonstrances, reluctantly consented, and, walking round the beast, said gravely, "If she live, she live; and if she die, she die; and I can do nae mair for her." Not long afterwards, he was dangerously afflicted with a quinsy in the throat; hereupon the old woman, having got access to his chamber, walked round his bed repeating the same words which the bishop had pronounced when walking round the cow, and which she believed had cured the animal. At this extraordinary sight the bishop was seized with a fit of laughter, which burst the quinsy, and saved his life.
Why Israel Made a Golden Calf
The following answer from a little girl was shrewd and reflective. The question was: "Why did the Israelites make a golden calf?"
"They hadna as muckle siller as would mak' acoo'." [9]
An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory
A parochial incumbent, whose scene of labor some years ago bordered on the Strath of Blain, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the memories of his hearers, insomuch as he frequently entertained them with "could kail hot again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously given. On one occasion his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and only one Sabbath elapsed between the giving of the sermon the second time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to him, "I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gein' us auld sermons; but they'll surely no' say that o' the ane ye gied them this afternoon, for its just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place." [8]
Sharpening His Teeth
An English gentleman, traveling in the Highlands, being rather late in coming down to dinner, Donaldwas sent upstairs to intimate all was ready. He speedily returned, nodding significantly, as much as to say it was all right.
"But, Donald," said his master, after some further trial of a hungry man's patience, "are ye sure ye made the gentleman understand?"
"Understand!" retorted Donald (who had peeped into the room and found the guest engaged at his toilet); "I'se warrant ye he understands; he'ssharpeninghis teeth—" not supposing the toothbrush could be of any other use.
Droll Solemnity
An old maid of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two sisters, also unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths, in the ladies' corner of a newspaper, thus moralized: "Weel, weel, these are solemn events, death and marriage: but ye ken they're what we must a' come to."
"Eh, Miss Jenny, but ye have been lang spared!" was the reply of the youngest sister.
Matrimony a Cure for Blindness
An example of this truth is given in the case of a sly old Scotchman who, on marrying a very young wife, was rallied by his friends on the inequality of their ages.
"She will be near me," he replied, "to close my een."
"Weel," remarked another party, "I've had twa wives, and theyopenedmy een."
Plain Speaking
"I was at the manse the ither day," said the precentor to an old crony, "an' the minister and me got on the crack. He says to me: 'Jim,' says he, 'I'm very sorry to tell you that I must advise you to give up your post, for there are several people complaining that you cannot sing!'
"'Weel, sir,' said I, 'I dinna think you should be in sic a hurry to advise me. I've been telt a dizzentimes ye canna preach, but I never advised ye to gie up your place.'
"I saw he was vexed, so I jist said: 'Ne'er heed, sir; the fules'll hae to hear us till we think fit to stop.'"
Trying to Shift the Job
A country laird, at his death, left his property in equal shares to his two sons, who continued to live very amicably together for many years. At length one said to the other: "Sam, we're getting auld now; you'll tak' a wife, and when I dee ye'll get my share o' the grund."
"Na, John; you're the youngest and maist active; you'll tak' a wife, and when I dee you'll get my share."
"Od!" says John; "Sam, that's just the way with you when there's anyfash or trouble. There's naething you'll do at a'."
A New Explanation of an Extra Charge
The following story is told of a distinguished Edinburgh professor: Desiring to go to church one wet Sunday, he hired a cab. On reaching the church door he tendered a shilling—the legal fare—to cabby, and was somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say: "Twa shillin', sir." The professor, fixing his eye on the extortioner, demanded why he charged two shillings, upon which the cabman dryly answered: "We wish to discourage traveling on the Sabbath as much as possible, sir."
National Thrift Exemplified
Nowadays, when we hear that patients are beginning to question whether they are bound to pay their doctors or not unless a cure has been effected, the following anecdote of a cautious Scotchman may serve as a useful hint: A poor old man had been some time ill, but refused to have advice, dreading the doctor's bill. At last he gave in to the repeated requests of his family, and sent for the doctor. On his arrival, the old man greeted him with: "Noo,doctor, if ye dinna think I am worth repairing, dinna put much expense on me." The doctor, finding him worth repairing, soon set him on his legs again, and the old man considered his bargain a good one.
New Use for a "Cosy"
A newly-married lady, displaying her wedding presents to an old Highland servant-maid, shows a fancy tea-cosy.
Servant Maid: "That'll be a bonny present."
Lady: "It is, indeed."
Servant Maid: "Ay, an' you'll pe shurely wear this at a crand party?"
Mending Matters
"Had you the audacity, John," said a Scottish laird to his servant, "to go and tell some people that I was a mean fellow, and no gentleman?" "Na, na," was the candid answer; "you'll no catch me at the like o' that. I aye keep my thoughts to mysel'."
Degrees of Capacity
Francis Jeffrey was an example of a man who had acquired an artificial style and language, suitable only for printed books and a small circle of friends and associates in Edinburgh. His diction and pronunciation were unintelligible to the bulk of his countrymen, and offensive and ridiculous in the House of Commons. His weight in his party, his great intelligence, and the affection of his friends, could not prevent him from failing in Parliament. An amusing illustration is given by an acquaintance of the contrast between him and his friend Henry Cockburn, in the examination of a witness. The trial turned upon the intellectual competency of a testator. Jeffrey asked a witness, a plain countryman, whether the testator was a man of "intellectual capacity?—an intellectual, shrewd man?—a man of capacity?—had he ordinary mental endowments?"
"What d'ye mean, sir?"
"I mean," replied Jeffrey, testily, "was the manof sufficient ordinary intelligence to qualify him to manage his own affairs?"
"I dinna ken," replied the chafed and mystified witness; "Wad ye say the question ower again, sir?"
Jeffrey being baffled, Cockburn took up the examination. He said: "Ye kenned Tammas——?"
"Ou, ay; I kenned Tammas weel; me and him herded together when we were laddies."
"Was there onything in the cretur?"
"Deil a thing but what the spune put in him."