TAMING A WIFE.

Scene I.—A room atMiss Dane’sboarding-house.Mr. Farwell,R., half reclining on the sofa.Mr. Grover,C., sitting in a chair, with his feet on the table. Both smoking.

Mr. Farwell.Why don’t you get married, Grover? I suppose you intend, at some time, to take to yourself a wife.

Mr. Grover.I might if I could find a woman to suit me. But I don’t want any of the vain and frivolous creatures we constantly meet in society.

Mr. F.They are not all of this description. Now, there’s Gertrude Hobbs. She is a pretty girl.

Mr. G.And when you’ve said that, you’ve said all there is to say.

Mr. F.I’m sure she is pleasant and agreeable.

Mr. G.And weak-minded.

Mr. F.Ah! I see, you would like a girl of spirit. Then, why not take Kate Ross? The only objection to her is, that she has an imperious temper. I should not care to cross her if I were her husband.

Mr. G.(contemptuously). Pooh! that is your spirit, is it? For my part, there would be no pleasure in subduing a tame, spiritless creature; but, if somewhat mettlesome, there would be some excitement in it. I am half tempted to offer my hand to Kate Ross, to show you what a simple affair it would be to tame a spirited woman.

Mr. F.I hope youwilldo so, as I shall not change my opinion till it is practically refuted. And I will wager a hundred dollars that you will talk in quite a different way after marrying her.

Mr. G.You will probably lose your money. When I undertake anything, I usually bring it to a successful termination.

Mr. F.(smiling). I am willing to take the risk. Theory is very well in its way, but it is practice that tells the story. I confess I have some curiosity to see how the matter ends.

Mr. G.Well, you will probably have that satisfaction within six months, as Kate Ross will, without doubt, be Mrs. Grover before that time.

Mr. F.You seem quite confident. Have you proposed to Miss Ross?

Mr. G.No; but she would not think of refusing my offer. An opportunity of gaining such a position is seldom presented to a poor girl.

Mr. F.Very well. If you do not talk in quite a different way after marrying Kate Ross, the money is yours.

(Curtain falls.)

Scene II.—Mrs. Grover’skitchen. Time—one month after marriage.Bridget,R., washing dishes.Mr. Groverenters,L.

Mr. G.Bridget, I find that for two days past dinner has been served before I came home. Hereafter, you must wait till I return before doing so.

Bridget.But it was kept warm for ye’s. An’ the misthress told me to do it.

Mr. G.I know that; but you are bound to obey me rather than her.

B.(bewildered). Sir?

Mr. G.To-day I shall not be at home till four o’clock. Four, remember. On no account must you serve up dinner before that time.

B.(astonished). But what shall I say to misthress when she tells me?

Mr. G.Say? You must tell her that I threatened to dismiss you if you did so. Will you remember?

B.(confusedly). I’ll try.

Mr. G.(going toward door with satisfied smile). There, I think that will set matters right. I wouldgive something to see how Mrs. Grover will take it, when Bridget, by my direction, refuses to obey her. She will begin to find out whom she has to deal with then.

(Exit,L.)

Mrs. Grover(enters by another door,R., in season to hear her husband’s last words). Has Mr. Grover forbidden you to follow my directions, Bridget?

B.Yes, mum. He told me he shouldn’t be at home until four, and he should send me away if I took up dinner before that time.

Mrs. G.(coolly). Indeed! he is interfering beyond his province. However, you are to obey me, not him. Be sure to have dinner on the table at two o’clock precisely.

B.But he will send me away if I do.

Mrs. G.And I will send you away if you don’t.

B.(in ludicrous dismay). Och, what will I do? It’s turned away I’ve got to be whether I do it or not.

Mrs. G.Better obey me, Bridget. If he should turn you away, you shall be back again in less than a week, and, meanwhile, I will pay you wages; but, if I turn you away, it will be for good.

B.Faix, mum, you’re a jewel. An’ if dinner isn’t on the table at two o’clock precisely, then my name isn’t Bridget McDermott.

(Curtain falls.)

Scene III.—Mrs. Grover,R., andMrs. Ross,L., who is visiting her daughter, are seated in the dining-room. The table is spread, but there is no food on it.Mr. Groverenters,L.

Mr. G.(triumphantly). You may order up dinner now, Mrs. Grover.

Mrs. G.(surprised). Dinner! Is it possible that you have not eaten dinner at four o’clock?

Mr. G.(in an appalling voice). Have you eaten dinner?

Mrs. G.(coolly continuing her sewing). Certainly. The table was cleared an hour ago. Bridget kept the meat at the fire, but I was sure you had dined down town. Shall I ring for it?

Mr. G.(frowning). No. May I inquire if Bridget served up the dinner?

Mrs. G.Of course you may. I have no objection.

Mr. G.(in a loud voice). Madam, enough of this trifling. Did Bridget serve up dinner?

Mrs. Ross(expostulating). Really, Kate and Mr. Grover, you should not disagree.

Mrs. G.(interrupting her). Goodness! Mr. Grover, I could hear distinctly enough if you spoke a great deal lower. Of course, Bridget served up dinner. You don’t suppose I did it?

Mr. G.At two o’clock?

Mrs. G.Certainly.

Mr. G.(rings bell violently.Bridgetappears,R.).Bridget, do you recollect my telling you this morning I should not be home till four?

B.Yes, sir.

Mr. G.And that dinner was not to be served up till that time?

B.Yes, sir.

Mr. G.Then, why did you dare to do otherwise?

B.(undaunted). The misthress tould me to.

Mr. G.Then I wish you to understand that I am the master, and my orders are to be obeyed. I dismiss you from my service.

B.(courtesying). Yes, sir.

Mr. G.(angrily). This instant. Do you hear?

B.(courtesying again). Yes, sir. My clothes are all packed. (Turning toMrs. G.) Good-by, mum.

Mrs. G.(unconcernedly). Oh, good-by, Bridget. So you are going, are you?

B.Yes, mum.

Mrs. G.Perhaps you would like a recommendation.

Mr. G.I shall give none.

Mrs. G.Because, if you would, I will give you one very willingly.

B.No, mum; I don’t think I shall live out ag’in just yet. I’m goin’ to stop wid my sister a while.

Mrs. G.Very well, Bridget; (in a significant tone) you must call again soon.

(ExitBridget,R.)

(A pause in whichMr. G.seats himself,L., leaning back exultantly.)

Mrs. G.(as if unconscious of what had passed). Is there any news from abroad?

Mr. G.(crustily). No.

Mrs. G.What course is Germany expected to take?

Mr. G.(in a forbidding tone). I don’t know.

(Mrs. G.rises and folds up her work.Mr. G.thinks, with a thrill of gratification, that, in the absence ofBridget,Mrs. G.will be obliged to get supper.)

Mrs. G.(having reached the door, turns back). By the way, Mr. Grover, my mother and myself are going out to tea. We are invited to Mrs. Haven’s.

Mr. G.(startled). But what am I to do?

Mrs. G.(carelessly). I don’t know, really, unless you come up with us. I presume Mrs. Haven will be very much pleased to see you. Will you come?

Mr. G.(sharply). No. (Mrs. G.opens the door, preparatory to going out.) Mrs. Grover, I have invited two gentlemen to dine with me to-morrow, and it will be your duty to prepare dinner for them. You will receive articles from the market by nine o’clock. You understand me, do you not?

Mrs. G.Perfectly.

Mr. G.And know what I expect?

Mrs. G.Certainly.

Mr. G.And you understand also, that I am a man of my word.

Mrs. G.I am very happy to hear it. I have always considered it a very desirable quality.

(ExeuntMrs. Groverand her mother,R.)

Mr. G.(complacently soliloquizes). I think that will settle the matter. If Mrs. Grover married me with theidea of being a fine lady, and having an easy time, she is quite mistaken. I don’t intend to encourage female insubordination. I believe the man was made to govern, the wife to obey. If more husbands had my firmness, things would go on a little better in the world. But it isn’t everybody that has my tact at governing.

(Curtain falls.)

Scene IV.—Dining-room atMr. Grover’s. The table is laid for four persons.Mr. Farwell,R.,Mr. Huntly,L., andMr. Grover,C., present.

Mr. Huntly.Have you heard how Brown’s wife has treated him?

Mr. F.Not a word.

Mr. H.She has deserted him, and gone, no one knows whither. After dinner yesterday, Brown went to his room a moment, leaving his pocket-book on the table. When he returned, his wife, and his pocket-book—containing several hundred dollars—were gone. And although a thorough search has been instituted, no tidings have been had of either.

Mr. G.It seems to me that a woman who would do such a thing has not been properly trained by her husband.

Mr. F.In my opinion, there are some women of such a nature that they will not brook subjection even from their husbands; or, in fact, subordination of any kind.

Mr. G.(firmly). I would like to see any woman whom I could not bring under subjection. I cannot conceive of a man surrendering the authority, which is his natural right, into the hands of a woman.

Mr. H.(smiling). Do you intend, Grover, to carry out your theory of domestic government under your present circumstances?

Mr. G.I certainly do not mean to submit to petticoat government. In my eyes the husband should be at the head of the household, and, while I occupy that position, I shall delegate my authority to no one. (Mrs. Groverenters,R.) My dear, allow me to present to you, my friends, Mr. Farwell and Mr. Huntly.

Mrs. G.I am happy to see you, gentlemen. As friends of my husband, I am glad to make your acquaintance.

Mr. G.(turning to his wife). Is dinner ready?

Mrs. G.(promptly). It is on the table.

Mr. G.(with a smile of exultation). Sit down, gentlemen. Mr. Huntly will take a seat on my right (indicating it), and Mr. Farwell on my left (indicating it). I have provided a dinner to-day, gentlemen (sharpening the knife preparatory to carving), which is an especial favorite with me—I mean roast turkey. (Lifting the cover, his astonished gaze rested on an uncooked turkey. He lifts, successively, the covers of the other dishes, and sees uncooked squashes, and potatoes with their skins on.)

Mr. G.(sternly to his wife). Will you explain the meaning of this, madam?

Mrs. G.(smiling blandly). Certainly. Bridget left me yesterday afternoon, by your direction. I have done what I could toward supplying her place. I am truly sorry if the dinner is not to your taste.

Mr. G.What do you intend by this insult which you have put upon me in my own house?

Mrs. G.(fanning herself). You are a little excited, Mr. Grover. You remember that I warned you I should not supply Bridget’s place.

Mr. G.(angrily). So it seems you want to rule me.

Mrs. G.Not at all. I only object to being ruled.

Mr. G.It’s the same thing, madam. You would like to have me become a miserable, hen-pecked husband. But that will never happen. (Turning to guests) Gentlemen, I regret that circumstances have conspired to render useless the invitation I gave you to dine with me. I cannot, in such case, invite you to stay longer, but shall renew the invitation at a more convenient opportunity.

Mrs. G.(turning toward them). I, too, shall be glad to see you, gentlemen, and hope, on the next occasion, to offer you a more attractive collation. That, however, depends entirely on whether my husband decides to leave the management of the household where it belongs—in my hands.

(ExeuntMessrs. FarwellandHuntly,L.)

Mr. G.(angrily). Well, madam, I hope you are satisfied with this disgraceful exhibition.

Mrs. G.(quietly). I am not responsible for it.

Mr. G.You have disgraced me before my guests.

Mrs. G.Then why did you interfere with Bridget?

Mr. G.I am the head of the household.

Mrs. G.I beg your pardon. I imagined that Bridget was under my orders.

Mr. G.You are right, as long as your orders do not conflict with mine.

Mrs. G.Very well, sir, I leave you, then, to the sole management of the household. (Moves to go out.)

Mr. G.Where are you going?

Mrs. G.Home to my mother.

Mr. G.(alarmed). Would you desert your husband?

Mrs. G.Yes, until he knows his place. (Opens the door,R.)

Mr. G.But—what will the world say? Don’t go, Kate!

Mrs. G.(turning). I will stay on one condition, and on one only.

Mr. G.What is it?

Mrs. G.That you will never, again, interfere in the affairs of the household, and will agree to my recalling Bridget, at once.

Mr. G.(rather sheepishly). Very well, anything for peace.

(Exit,L.)

Mrs. G.(sola). There, sir, I have taught you a lesson. I understand you proposed to tame me. My impression is, that it is the husband that has been tamed. There is truth in the old couplet:—

“When a woman says she will, she will, depend on’t,And when she won’t, she won’t, and there’s an end on’t.”

“When a woman says she will, she will, depend on’t,

And when she won’t, she won’t, and there’s an end on’t.”

(Curtain falls.)

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