THE HYPOCHONDRIAC CURED.
Scene I.—The house-keeper’s room.Mrs. Foster(an elderly person wearing spectacles) sits knitting,L.MariaentersR., and sits down, wearily.
Scene I.—The house-keeper’s room.Mrs. Foster(an elderly person wearing spectacles) sits knitting,L.MariaentersR., and sits down, wearily.
Mrs. Foster.Well, Maria, you look tired enough.
Maria.I do feel rather tired.
Mrs. F.(emphatically). It’s a shame for any man to be so trying as your uncle is. He hasn’t any business to be so, even if he is sick. It’s nothing but scold and fret from morning till night. And the more you do, the more you may. You can’t please him any way you can fix it.
M.I’ve tried to please him, but haven’t succeeded. Now I’m going to see if I can’t cure him both of his fault-finding and his sickness.
Mrs. F.How is that?
M.I think of inviting him to go away on a visit.
Mrs. F.I don’t believe he will go. He has an idea that he’s very sick; but, for my part, I think it’s because he wants to make himself a nuisance.
M.Hush, Mrs. Foster! You forget he is my uncle, and therefore entitled to my respect and attention.
Mrs. F.Well, I don’t see how you can stand it. I’d as soon wait on the old boy himself.
M.(smiling). I hope you don’t compare my uncle to that renowned personage?
Mrs. F.Well, I don’t know which I’d rather wait on. He’s the most contrary man I ever knew. (A knock is heard on the floor outside,R.)
M.Hark! (In listening attitude, and with uplifted finger. Knock repeated.) There’s my uncle’s knock. He’s awake and wants me.
(Exit,R.)
Mrs. F.It’s a wicked shame for him to make such a slave of her. He’s a real torment. (Knits vigorously—starts as if suddenly remembering.) But there, I promised to go over and sit with old Miss Barnard this afternoon. I guess I’ll go, and take my knitting.
(Exit. Curtain falls.)
Scene II.—Mr. Crowell’schamber.Mr. C.apparently asleep, on lounge,C.He opens his eyes. No one else present.
Scene II.—Mr. Crowell’schamber.Mr. C.apparently asleep, on lounge,C.He opens his eyes. No one else present.
Mr. Crowell(in a querulous tone). Where’s Maria? She’s always gone when I want her. I mightdie here, and nobody’d know anything about it. (Knocks on floor with cane.Mariaenters,R.)
M.Are you awake, uncle?
Mr. C.Awake? Of course I am. I’ve been awake this half hour. You might have heard me knocking long ago, if you were not deaf.
M.I came up as soon as I heard your knock. And how does your head feel?
Mr. C.A great deal worse. And my face is hot. I’m sure that I am going to have a fever.
M.The doctor said it was only a cold.
Mr. C.Doctors don’t know everything. Did you bring me up a cup of tea?
M.No; you didn’t say anything about it, did you?
Mr. C.Well, I supposed you’d know that I should need something by this time.
M.It was only an hour ago that you took a bowl of gruel, and I didn’t think you would wish for anything more so soon.
Mr. C.It was full three hours ago. And I want a cup of tea,—hot, mind you,—just as soon as I can have it.
(ExitMaria,R.)
Mr. C.(soliloquizing). It is strange that some people haven’t sense enough to know what a sick person wants, without being told everything. I always thought Maria was a good nurse; but she is no better than the rest of them. (EnterMaria.)
M.Here is a nice cup of tea for you, uncle.
Mr. C.(tastes it—throws down the spoon and turnshis head away). It’s hot enough to take the skin off my mouth. I don’t want any more. Throw it away.
(Mariapours it away. She then takes a fan, and gently fans the invalid. He bears it a moment, then says:)
Mr. C.Don’t keep that fan going; I shall take more cold.
M.You said your face was hot.
Mr. C.Well, I don’t want to be cooled off so suddenly. Let me taste of that tea again.
M.I threw it away.
Mr. C.(in surprise). Threw my tea away?
M.Yes, you told me to. You said you didn’t want it.
Mr. C.I should think you might know by this time that I don’t mean what I say. Get me some more, quick.
(Mariagoes out. During her absenceMr. C.remains quiet, and with his eyes closed. She soon returns.)
Mr. C.Why didn’t you stay all day?
M.I hurried all I could, uncle; you know I had to wait for the tea to get hot. (Tasting.) It’s very nice.
Mr. C.(shaking his head). I’ve got all off the notion for it, now.
M.Won’t you have some of it?
Mr. C.No; I’ve lost all desire for it. (M.places tea on the table. A knock is heard.) Who’s that making such a racket?
M.I’ll go and see. (Goes out—soon returns.) It’sMr. Preston, uncle. He wishes to know how you are.
Mr. C.Tell him it’s none of his business.
M.Yes, uncle. (Goes out—soon returns.)
Mr. C.Well, what did he say?
M.He seemed quite angry.
Mr. C.Angry at what, pray?
M.I suppose at being told it was none of his business.
Mr. C.Maria, you didn’t tell him that?
M.Yes, I did, uncle. You told me to tell him it was none of his business, and he said he shouldn’t trouble you by calling again.
Mr. C.(angrily). Haven’t you got sense enough to know that I don’t mean what I say?
M.I supposed, of course, you meant what you said, though I didn’t exactly like to repeat your message to him.
Mr. C.(after a pause). I guess I’ll try a little of the tea, Maria. (She brings it.)
Mr. C.(languidly). You’ll have to feed me, Maria, I’m so weak.
M.Yes, uncle. (Places napkin under chin, and proceeds to feed him.)
Mr. C.Stop—stop—it’s hot. You’re choking me. (ButMariakeeps on.)
Mr. C.(moving quickly one side).—Sto-op. Can’t you understand plain English? I don’t believe there’s a particle of skin left on my tongue. What do you mean?
M.You told me I ought to know by this time that you didn’t mean what you said. So I supposed I was to go on, at any rate.
Mr. C.It’s horrible tasting stuff. You’ve been putting pepper into it. While you were about it, why didn’t you put in vinegar, too?
(Maria, without a word, goes to the table, takes up the vinegar-cruet, and pours vinegar into the cup.)
Mr. C.(starting up). Maria Davidson, I believe you are either a fool or insane.
(Mariasits down, and begins to cry.Mr. C.gazes at her in astonishment. A drumming is heard outside,R.)
Mr. C.(putting his hands to his head). Oh, my poor head! my poor head! Maria, take my pistol from the closet, and shoot the rascal. (She goes to the closet, gets the pistol, and fires, according to his direction.)
Mr. C.What the deuce has got into the girl! (He starts up, and goes to the window,L.,—mechanically takes up the pistol whichMariahad laid down. She glides out by one door,R., and immediately a policeman enters by another,L.)
Policeman.So here you are. I’ll just slip on these bracelets, so you won’t do any more mischief.
Mr. C.(drawing back). What do you mean by insulting me in such a manner?
P.You’ve been attempting to murder a man.
Mr. C.No, I haven’t.
P.Didn’t you fire a pistol from the window just now?
Mr. M.No, I didn’t fire it.
P.Who did fire it, then?
Mr. C.(hesitating). Why, I—you see—it was—my niece that fired it.
P.(looking around room). That’s a likely story. If she fired the pistol, where is she now?
Mr. C.She went out a few minutes ago.
P.You can’t come that dodge on me. It was only a moment ago that it was done, and there’s no one but you in the room, and I found you with the pistol in your hand. You must come along with me.
Mr. C.But I can’t—I’m sick.
P.(taking a look at him). You don’t appear to be dangerously sick. I guess you’re able to go with me.
Mr. C.But I had the doctor this morning. I’m quite feverish, and it might cause my death to go out.
P.If you’re sick you shall have a doctor to prescribe for you. Come along. (Takes him by shoulder.)
(Exeunt,L.)
Maria(entering, soliloquizing). My plot has been carried out well thus far. I don’t think uncle recognized the policeman. It is astonishing how the habit of complaining gains on one. But if a person is unreasonable, and given to complaining, there is nothing that will effect a cure so soon astaking him at his word. (Uncle enters,L.) Ah, have you returned so soon,uncle? I have felt quite anxious about you, fearing you might take more cold.
Mr. C.You are a very successful little manager, Maria, upon my word. I felt mortified enough on starting from my own house in the character of a criminal. But I could blame no one but myself, since my orders were all obeyed, not only very promptly, butvery literally. Then I thought what an unreasonable bear I was, and what a patient little nurse you were, and by the time we stopped I had become quite subdued. Then I discovered that the policeman was my old and valued friend, Mr. Preston. It all flashed upon my mind that it was a plot to bring me to my senses, and to show how unreasonable I was.
M.Oh, no, uncle, not that exactly. We only aimed to show you that you imagined yourself worse than you really were. But hadn’t you better lie down awhile? You are not accustomed to such exertion.
Mr. C.No; I am thoroughly cured in mind and body. Nothing would tempt me to personate again the miserable hypochondriac I was when I left the house. I am cured, and I mean to stay so.
(Curtain falls.)