9035Original
S we saw at ivverybody else'at had come bi th' same train wor runnin fit to braik ther necks for fear they should'nt be able to find lodgins, an' as awd heeard at th' city wor full we made a bit ov a rush. Billy walked as briskly as if he'd been four stooan leeter, an' for owt aw know he wor. "Aw pitie'd some o' th' fowk at wor on that booat," aw sed.
"Well, aw dooant pity them mich, for they need'nt ha been on unless they liked, but aw did pity th' fish, for they'll be a sickly lot this mornin aw should fancy," an' he fairly chuckled at th' nooation.
"Nah then, what sooart ov a spot mun we steer for? Had we better try some quiet respectable shop or mun we goa in for a place right up to Dick an' run th' risk o' what it costs?"
"Its noa use axin me; do whativver tha's a mind it'll be reight to me."
Just as we turned a corner aw saw a sign up 'Cafe' du nord,' an' on th' winder wor painted i' big yollo letters, English spoken, this is th' shop for us, aw says, if thers raam, soa aw went in an' Billy follered an' a young woman at seemed as if shoo'd been dipped i' bacca-watter an' dried in a hurry, coom to meet us—"Gooid mornin, Mistress," aw sed.
"Commyvoo portyvoo," shoo sed.
"Aw dooant parleyvoo, awm throo Yorksher; cannot yo spaik plain English?"
"Jenny compronpa."
"Aw can mak' nowt o' this lot, Billy, if that's th' sooart o' English they tawk here awst nivver be able to understand it."
"Come on an' lets leeav her, shoo's nooan reight in her heead! aw dooant believe shoo knows what shoo's sayin.
"Shoo'll happen understand better if awm moor perlite—Have, you,—a—bedroom?"
"Betroooom! Ha! wee! Chamberacostrah? wee, wee!"
"Nay awm nooan one o' that sooart aw want one to misen."
"Jenny compronpa."
"Jenny's noa need to come for if shoo's noa hansomer nor thee aw wod'nt touch her wi' th' tangs!"
We wor just gooin aght when up comes a tallo faced chap at lukt as if th' smell ov a cookshop wod'nt hurt him, so aw thowt awd have another try—French this time,—"Parleyvoo English mouse ear." "Hi," he sed, "what is it tha wants?"
"E'e! gow! lad! but awm fain to see thi. Are ta th' maister?"
"Hi, aw wish aw wornt; yo could'nt mak' my wife understand yo aw reckon?"
"Is that her? well, ther's noa accaantin for taste—for aw should'nt care for livin' i' this country at all if aw wor yo," aw sed, for awd ommost made a mess on it, "can we have two beds for a few neets an' a bit o' summat to ait if we want it?"
"Can we get summat to sup?" sed Billy, "awm ommost dried up."
"Caffy-o-lay? Bordoo? Bass's bottled ale, or owt yo like."
"Caffyolaybordoo be hanged! let's ha some ale," sed Billy, an' he sooin browt two bottles, an' when he'd filled a glass Billy tuk it but he nobbut just tasted on it an' put it daan agean.
"Is ther summat matter wi it?" sed th' maister.
"Nay, aw dooant know at ther is,—it nobbut wants a bit o' ginger an' sewgar an' a pinch o' nutmug an' it'll mak' varry nice spiced drink. Do yo allussell it warm like that?"
"Yo connat help it gettin warm in a country like this unless yo keep it i' ice an' aw neer bother for ther's nubdy grummels, for they dooant know th' difference—Its a hot shop is this aw can tell yo, an' yo'll be luckier nor th' mooast if yo dooant find summat a deeal warmer nor that befoor yo've been long."
"Well, but tha'rt an' Englishman an' owt to ha moor sense—why, when awm brewin aw let it keel below that befoor aw set on."
"Tha says reight when tha says awm an' Englishman, at onnyrate awm a Brummagem when awm at hooam, an' aw hooap it weant be long befoor awm back. But what are we to get for yor braikfast?"
We ordered some coffee an' eggs an' a beefsteak an' wol we wor gettin it, aw ax'd him ha it wor he seem'd soa dissatisfied wi th' place?
"Th' place ud do weel enuff if ther wor owt to be made at it, but ther isnt hauf as monny fowk as what ther's accomodation for, aw've lost a gooid bit o' brass sin aw coom an' if yo ax other fowk they'll tell yo th' same tale."
When we'd finished he tuk us up a corkscrew staircase an' showed us two raams—they wor cleean, thers noa denyin' that, an' they wor furnished, after a fashion—part Parisian an' pairt Brummagem—aw should think what wor in em booath had'nt been bowt for a penny less nor thirty shillin', but ther wor white lace curtains up to th' winders an' they lukt varry weel throo th' aghtside an' that wor all at mattered. We booath on us wanted a wesh, an' on a little table we'd each on us a cream jug an' sugar basin, an' we had to mak th' best on em; thear wor noa feear on us sloppin' ony watter abaat, for if we had ther'd ha been nooan left. After dippin' us finger ends in we rubbed us faces ovver an' tryin' to believe at we wor a deeal better for th' trouble we started for a luk raand aghtside. Aw thowt Billy lukt varry glum agean an' as he did'nt offer to tell me th' reason aw axd him if ther wor owt'at had'nt suited him?
"Ther's nowt'at has suited me soa far, an' what's moor nor that ther's net likely to be—an' to mend matters when aw come to luk i' mi box, awm blessed if aw hav'nt come withaat a cleean shirt."
"Why," aw says, "ther's a shop across th' rooad at sells em soa tha can easily mak that reight," soa we went inside an' aw tell'd him as plain as iwer aw could spaik'at we wanted a shirt, an' aw pointed to his mucky dicky. "Wee, wee," he sed, an' jabbered away, an' Billy tawked back to him like a man, an' gave him sich a karacter i' broad Yorsher as awm sewer he wod'nt want i' writin' if he wor lukkin aght for a fresh shop. Th' ticket wor easy to read soa Billy paid him six francs an' walked away wi it in a breet green paper box, an' we turned back to us lodgins for him to put it on. He had'nt been up stairs long befoor aw thowt one ov his bilious attacks had come on agean—"Sammy!" he bawled aght, "come here!" soa aw went to see what wor to do.
"Luk thear! What does yond chap tak us for? Awm in a gooid mind to tak this back an' shove it daan his throit! Is ther owt like a woman abaat me, thinks ta?"
Thear it wor reight enuff, printed on th' box i' big letters, "Chemise." "Well, he's varry likely made a mistak, here mistress!" aw sed as shoo wor just passin th' door, "shirt—he wants a shirt an' they've seld him a shift." Shoo lifted her e'e broos ommost to th' top ov her heead an' lukt at th' box an' then shoo pointed to his dicky an' sed, "Chemise! wee, wee."
"Shoo's war nor a guinea pig, wi her ivverlastin' 'wee wee,'" sed Billy, an' he wor shuttin' th' box up agean but shoo coom up an' tuk it aght an' awm blowed if it wornt a shirt after all. After that we decided to goa to th' Exhibition an' spend th' furst day thear—but as Billy wor detarmined net to walk an' wod call at ivvery shop'at had one o' Bass's or Alsop's cards ith' winder it tuk us wol after dinnertime to get thear, but it wornt after th' time'at we could do wi a dinner for all that, but ther wor soa mich to see wol aitin seem'd ommost aght o' th' question—even Billy, although he wor walkin up an daan oppen maath seemed to ha forgetten to grow dry. They manage theas things better i' France; (aw fancy aw've heeard that befoor) but although aw know awst nivver be able to do justice to it, yet aw think aw owt to give yo as gooid an' accaant as aw can. Well then to begin wi; we'll goa back a little bit an' mak a fair start.
In a strange country mooast things luk strange an' ith' walk we'd had we saw a deeal at capt us, but nowt moor surprisin' nor th' amaant o' ugly wimmen. We'd come prepared to be dazzled wi female luvliness an' grand dresses but ther wor nowt at sooart to see. Th' mooast on em wor dark skinned—sharp een'd, podgy-bodied, dowdy-donned crayturs'at lukt varry mich like wesherwimmen aght o' wark. Th' chaps wor better lukkin' bi th' hauf, but Billy sed he thowt they'd luk better if they'd stop off suppin' red ink an' get some gooid ale an' beef onto ther booans. But ther's one thing'at aw dooant believe ony Frenchman can do, an' that is, slouch along th' street wi his hands in his pockets like a thorough-bred Yorksherman! Even them at's huggin looads o' boxes an' hampers o' ther rig, (sich looads as a Yorksher chap ud stand an' luk at wol somdy went an' fotched a horse an' cart,) trip away as if they'd somewhear to goa, an' as if ther feet had been created to carry ther body an' net as if it wor th' body at had been intended to trail th' feet after it. An' yet someha or other, nubdy seemed to be in a hurry—th' street cars are run thear to save th' trouble o' walkin', but ther seems to be noa idea o' savin time. If a chap wants to ride he nivver thinks to wait wol a car comes up to him, he walks on till he ovvertaks one. Th' cabs are a little bit better as regards speed but aw could'nt help thinkin' at if they'd give th' horses moor oats an' less whip it ud be better for all sides. Aw nivver i' mi life heeard owt like th' whipcrackin' at wor to be heeard ith' busy streets, it reminded me o' nowt soa mich as th' fourth o' July in America; ivvery driver wor alike an' ther whips went wi as mich regilarity as a wayver's pickin' stick. To us it wor a newsance an' for th' chaps it must ha been hard wark but th' horses did'nt seem to tak ony nooatice—but if they give'em plenty o' whip aw dooant think they oft kill'em wi wark, for we passed monny a team o' six or eight mucky lukkin' grays, big booaned an' ill tended an' wi heeads on'em like soa monny churns turned th' wrang end up, at wor walkin' i' single file an' suppooased to be draggin' a waggon wi a looad ov abaat hauf a tun. Ther wor noa shops or buildins'at had owt abaat'em to admire an' aw must confess aw felt a trifle disappointed, but aw wor detarmined net to show it, for Billy had curled up his nooas when he started aght an' if he did spaik at all it wor allusth' same strain o' regret for what he'd left, an' contempt for all he'd fun.
This wornt varry mich to be wondered at, as we discovered next day'at we'd been trailin abaat throo all th' back slums an' had nivver once getten onto th' reight track, an' it wor moor bi gooid luck nor gooid management at we ivver fan th' exhibition buildin' at all, but when we did, even Billy could'nt grummel. It wor a queer feelin at coom ovver me when aw went in. Aw seemed to sink into insignificance all at once, an' aw could'nt help thinkin' at ther wor happen moor trewth i' what awr Mally had tell'd me nor awd felt inclined to admit,—Aw could see at Billy wor as mich capt as me for he walked a yard or two an' then stopt to turn raand, an' his een lukt fairly to be startin' aght ov his heead, an' his lower jaw hung onto his shirt as if th' back hinge ov his face had brokken. "Nah," aw says, "what does ta think abaat this? will this do for thi?" but he nobbut gave me a luk an' withaat spaikin' went a yard or two farther an' turned raand agean. After a while we gained th' oppen air agean an' then we sat daan whear we could have a view o' th' watter fall an faantens. "This is grand," aw sed.
"Tha says reight for once, an'to tell th' plain trewth nah, awm nooan sooary aw've come, for it'll fit me to tawk abaat for monny a year."
"Well, awm glad tha's fun summat to suit thi an' aw think tha will be suited befoor we've done; for th' buildin' we've come throo is varry little moor nor th' gateway to a show at occupies 140 acres. Aw dooant think we've owt i' England to equal that!"
"Now!—Bith' heart! Sammy; if a chap could nobbut get that buildin' at a easy rent, an' start it as a brewery it ud lick owt o' th' sooart we have! Tha sees ther's plenty o' gooid watter—yo could pile yor barrels up ith' centre thear—therms plenty o' raam for th' waggons to goa in an' aght—th' brewin plant could be fixed at this end—th' malt an' hops could be kept i' one o' them steeples, an' th' grains could be shot aght o' that winder. It mud ha been built for it. It nobbut wants them moniments an' gim-cracks clearin aght, an' it could be made to do i' noa time ommost.
"Well, Sammy aw must say awm fain aw've come, an if tha's a mind, we'll get aght o' th' sun an' see if we can get summat to sup, but we will'nt have ale this time; aw dooant feel to care soa mich abaat it just nah. If tha's nowt agean it we'll join at one o' them bottles o' red ink; it can nobbut pooisen us'schews ha."
Aw felt soa mad wol aw could'nt help wishin' at it wod pooisen him for aw thowt he desarved it. We went to a bonny little place whear aw saw some bottles an' glasses, aw dooant know what to call it, but it wor a sooart ov a goa between a public haase an' a summer haase, an' aw managed to mak' a bonny young lass understand what we wanted, an' shoo sarved us wi a smilin' face an' as mich curtseyin' as if we'd gooan to ax abaat th' vallyation, an' when aw held aght a handful o' silver for her to tak pay aght on, shoo nobbut tuk one French shillin, an' yo can buy em at tuppence apiece less nor awrs. We thowt that wor bein' gentlemen at a varry cheap rate. Yo may hardly believe it, but aw've paid three times as mich for stuff'at has'nt been hauf as gooid,—"Aw call this reasonable," aw says.
"Cheap as muck," sed Billy, "its worth that mich to see a bonny lass like that—tha sees shoo's like a lady an' shoo knows manners too. Its a thaasand pities at shoo connot tawk gradely English."
"It is; shoo's to be pitied for that. English fowk have a deeal to be thankful for, but happen shoo's satisfied, for shoo'll be able to understand other fowk."
"Tha munnat tell me at a lass like yond can ivver be satisfied wi a lot o' gabberin' fowk at cant tawk soas to be understood, shoo's like yond buildin' we've just come throo, shoo owt to be put to a better purpose. A'a! what a brewus yond wod mak'!"
"Well, tha knows we've all noations ov us own, an' aw connot agree wi thee thear. Tha seems to care nowt abaat art, all tha thinks on is ale."
"Well, did ta ivver know onnybody at filled ther belly o' art? Nah aw've known monny a one do it wi ale. That's th' way to luk at it."
"It's thy way but it is'nt mine, but as time's gooin on lets goa into th' place whear all theas wonderful things are to be seen."
"Goa thi ways, for thar't th' mooast restless chap aw ivver knew, tha'rt like a worm on a whut backstun, an' if tha gets into a comfortable corner tha will'nt stop. It's nice an' cooil here, but awst be sweltered i' th' sunshine. If th' weather's owt like this at hooam it'll play the hangment wi yond galcar."
Awm net gooin to say mich abaat th' Exhibition for one or two reasons—furst is aw think it's been a deeal better done bi somdy else, an' second, it'll tak up soa mich time, an' ther's net monny fowk at has'nt seen one, an' they're all mackley—Its enuff to say at this licks all at's gooan befoor it, an' 'at noa Englishman had ony need to shame for his country, an' nubdy had moor cause for pride nor Yorksher fowk. We roamed abaat for an' haar or two but feastin' one's een does'nt satisfy th' stummack, an' soa aw hinted at we should goa to th' English buffet whear my guide book sed we could get owt we wanted to ait an' find fowk at could tawk English. As sooin as aw mentioned it Billy sed he cared nowt for a buffet, he'd a deeal rayther have a arm cheer, but when aw explained what it wor he wor ready enuff to goa. Awd been warned befoor aw coom abaat extortion an' roagery an' tell'd what awful charges they made for simple things, but aw meant havin summat daycent to ait whativver it cost—soa we sat daan an' ordered soop, an' a plate o' rost beef an' puttates, an' some roily polly puddin for a start, an' we thowt if that wornt enuff, we'd ax if they could give us a plate o' pie. We sooin gate throo th' soop, but we sat a long time waitin' for th' rost beef to follow. Next to Billy wor a Frenchman an' his wife,—(aw sup-pooas Frenchmen have wives sometimes,)—an' one o' th' waiters browt him a nice plate o' boiled chicken, soa we thowt, but he didnt seem to tak onny noatice on it but went on wi his tawkin—Billy kept lukkin first at him an' then at th' plate an' at last he turned to me an' says, "This chap doesnt seem hungry an' its a pity to see this gooin cold," soa he shifted th' plate an' began to wire in. It did'nt tak him aboon three minutes to finish th' lot an' he passed back th' empty plate,—an' just then th' waiter coom wi awr rost beef. We'd just getten fairly started when th' Frenchman turned raand to begin, an' when he saw th' plate wi nowt on it he lukt as if he could ha swallered them at had swallered his dinner, an' he called for th' waiter an' be th' way he shaated an' shrugged his shoolders it wor plain to be seen'at he wor lettin somdy have it hot, but that did'nt affect Billy for he wor cooil enough an' stuck to his mark like a brick, but this Frenchman wor detarmined net to let it drop soa easily, an' he stormed an' raved as if he'd been robbed ov a pop-ticket, "Whats to do wi this cranky fooil," sed Billy?
Th' waiter could spaik English an' he says, "This gentleman says that he has had nothing to eat and he wont pay, and I am certain I brought him a dish of stewed frogs, and now he wants to declare he's never seen them!"
Billy's face went as white as mi hat, an' he dropt his knife an' fork, "Nah, aw've done it!" he sed, spaikin' to me, "awst be pooisened, aw know aw shall! It's all thy fault an' tha'll ha to answer for it."
"Awd nowt to do wi it, tha should let stuff alooan at doesnt belang to thi; but ha did they taste?"
"Aw thowt awd nivver had owt as grand i' mi life an' aw wor meeanin to have another plate but nah at aw know what it wor awd rayther ha gien a fiver nor ha touched sich-like powse. Tha mun promise me nivver to tell when we get back, or else they'll plague me abaat it as long as they've a day to live."
He seemed to ha lost his appetite after this, but aw stuck to mi corner an' made a rattlin dinner an' when awd to pay, an' it wor nobbut two franks an' a hauf (that's little moor nor two bob,) aw felt varry mich inclined to ax em if they could let us have a bed for th' neet, an then awd send for awr Mally an' live thear for six months, for awm sewer aw could'nt live as cheap at hooam. Then we went to have a luk at th' picturs, an' aw felt praader nor ivver as aw went throo th' English gallery—it wor grand! but ther wor others at wor ommost as gooid.
Ther wor a lot o' gooid paintins i' th' French gallery, an' it towt me th' meanin o' what fowk call 'poor art,' for th' French art is too poor to find clooas for th' men an' wimmen they paint, for throo one end o' th' raam to t'other it lukt like nowt as mich as a empty swimmin bath whear a craad o' wimmin, three rows deep, wor waitin' for th' watter to come in. Billy pooled a handful o' copper aght ov his pocket an' reckoned to be thrang caantin it, wol he gat aghtside, for he could'nt fashion to luk up, an' aw felt thankful at Mally wor at hooam. Awve noa daat ther wor a deeal o' beauty at we missed, an' a deeal o' things'at wor varry trew to natur but its possible for trewth to be too bare-faced at times. It had getten farish on ith' day when we coom aght, dazed and maddled wi th' wonders'at we'd seen, (an' we had'nt seen a quarter o' what wor thear) an' we felt at a cup o' teah, wod'nt do us ony harm soa we started off for us lodgins.
Billy sed he'd had enough o' walkin' an' he wod'nt stir another peg till we gat a cab, soa aw put up mi finger an' one coom. Aw tried all th' French aw knew an' a gooid deeal o' th' English but he could'nt understand a word, soa aw wrate th' name o' th' place an' th' name o' th' street on a card an' gave it him an' he grinned like a Cheshire cat an' started off. It wor then we began to find aght what Payris wor like. We went throo one big archway at they call Arc de Triomphe de'Etoile, an' it fairly made us tremmel. Aw lukt at mi guide book, (an' yo can do th' same if yo have one,) an' gat to know all abaat it, an' what it had cost; aw cant say'at it seems varry useful but its varry ornamental. We rattled on throo bustlin streets whear th' shops wor palaces, an' ther wor soa mich to tak us fancy at we tuk noa noatice o' th' cab chap wol he pooled up suddenly ith' front ov a arched passage an' coom an' oppened th' door an' pointin to th' haase he mooationed us to get aght. But it wom't th' reight shop! 'Café du Nord,' wor printed up an 'Manchester House,' wor on a big sign an' 'English spoken,' wor i' big gold letters on th' winders but it wor nawther th' same place nor th' same street at we'd left ith' mornin. Aw gat aght to mak enquiries but Billy wod'nt stir. "Arnt ta baan to get aght?" aw sed.
"Awst stir nooan wol yo find th' reight shop, awm varry comfortable here."
Aw did'nt feel varry comfortable, but aw went inside to mak a few enquiries, but they mud as weel ha been Objibberaway Indians for ony sense aw could mak on em, they did plenty o' bowin an' scrapin an' hutchin up o' ther shoolders but that did'nt help me ony, soa aw gate hold o' one chap bi th' collar an' tuk him an' planted him opposite th' words 'English Spoken,' an' aw says, "Nah then, can ta read that?" "Wee, wee," he sed an' off he set, an' aw lukt for th' cab an' Billy but awd hard wark to find 'it for ther wor a craad o' fowk gethered raand an' th' driver wor stampin an' ravin away at Billy wol he fair fooamed at th' maath, an' aw felt thankful just then'at aw did'nt understand French, for my belief is at he wornt prayin for him to get aght but swearin at him for stoppin in, but Billy wor lainin back smookin a cigar an' seemed to be enjoyin it. "Sacrey mon dew!" he shaated at him. "Sacrey thisen, if tha wants," sed Billy, "awst nooan stir aght o' this wol tha finds th' reight shop; if tha connot find it awm sewer aw connot an' aw've trailed abaat wol awm stall'd."
But, for a blessin, th' chap at awd had hold on, coom back an' browt a lass wi him, one at aw sup-pooas wor kept o' purpose for th' job, an' as shoo happened to know as mich English as aw did French we gate on famously. At last aw bethowt me o' th' railway station an' that shoo seemed to understand, an' shoo tell'd th' driver summat, but he seemed to think he'd had enuff on us, but aw shoved him o' one side an' set daan along-side Billy, an' as he could see noa way else aght on it, he jumpt on th' dicky an' tuk his revenge aght o' th' horse. Be-foor he gat us to th' station aw saw th' haase we wor seekin soa aw stopt him, an' we gat aght, an' as we gave him double his fare he gave us a flourishin' salute an drave off. As aw wor gooin in at th' door Billy pooled me back an' pointed to two little childer abaat eight year old an' he laft wol he could'nt spaik for ivver so long, "He, he, he, ho! did ta ivver come across owt like that? Tha mun tell Mally abaat that when tha gets hooam for it licks all! Why even th' bits o' childer can tawk French!" an' it wor true too, tho' when aw coom to consider abaat it aw did'nt see owt soa varry wonderful in it after all.
A cup o' teah an' a walk to th' railway station whear we gat a gooid wesh for a penny, freshened us up a bit an' we prepared to spend th' furst neet i' Payris th' same as mooast fowk do; that is, we started aght i' hoaps at we should see summat at we should condemn after we'd seen it, an' deplore th' existence ov th' varry things at form th' principal attraction for nine aght o' ivvery ten at pay a visit to th' finest city ith' world, whear gaiety flooats ovver th' surface o' ivverything an' th' cankerin sorrow is busy deep ith' heart.
A sorrowing heart ne'er seems as sad
As when'midst gaiety;
You see beneath the flimsy veil,
Its writhing misery.
The apple with the golden rind,
The greedy eye gloats o'er,
But then, alas,'tis sad to find
Dry ashes at its core.
The smiling face, the beaming eye.
The soft and snowy skin;
Turns pleasure into horror when
We find all black within.
Better the humblest face and form.
If virtue dwells therein;
Than all the beauties that adorn
The inward heart of sin.
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OULEVARD des Italiens;—aw copied that off a gas-lamp. It's a grand saandin name but it is'nt hauf as grand as th' street, (for it is nobbut a street after all.)
When Billy an' me turned aght we lukt as spruce as two new scraped carrots, an' we walked along th' street like as if we'd just come into one fortun an' wor expectin another. It wor a lively lukkin seet, varry nearly ivvery other door wor a Cafe or a resterant or a saloon, an' ith' front on'em all wor little tables an' cheers an' chaps wor sittin an' chattin an' laffin just as if they'd been i' ther own hooams, an' ther wor one thing at aw could'nt but admire an' that wor,'at they had ther wives an' ther sisters an' ther dowters wi'em, an' altho' we could'nt tell owt they sed, it wor easy to tell at they wor all enjoyin thersen. We walked along, starin at all abaat us, for ther wor a deeal at wor strange to us. Th' gas-lamps all seemed to grow aght o' sentry boxes, an' they wor leeted up like lanterns an' wor turned into newspaper or cigar shops, an' th' leets throo th' winders made all seem as breet as day ommost. Even Billy seemed satisfied wi it.
But we sooin gat to whear it wor breeter still, an' lukkin up at th' corner ov a buildin' aw saw we'd getten to th' Champs Elysees, an' what th' Elysees is, is unknown to me, but thaasands o' gas jets wor blazing away an' thaasands o' fowk wor sittin enjoyin ther drink an' ther smook or strollin on, chattin an' laffin, as if th' world an' them wor varry gooid friends. We went wi th' stream an' sooin fan ussen i' th' Tuileries Gardens, whear bands o' music wor playin an' th' faantens wor workin, an' th' lamps wor moor plentiful nor ivver. Aw wor enjoyin misen furst rate, an' aw knew Billy must be for he'd nivver grummeld once an' he wor soa takken up wi things abaat him wol he'd forgetten to get dry, an' it wornt until aw wanted a leek on misen'at he bethowt him he'd a maath. It wor strange to me to see him suppin his caffy-o-'lay, (yo see awm leearnin French) asteead ov his pint o' ale, an' aw tell'd him soa, "When yo're i' Rum yo mun do as th' Rummens do," he sed, "an' aw dooant think at th' ale is quite as gooid here as it wor at hooam!" We strolled on until we saw summat breeter an' moor glitterin nor all else an' we made for that. Aw thowt it wor a triumphal arch'at had been put up for some famous chap to goa throo, an' aw straitened mi shirt collar an' shooldered mi umberel an' walked wi as mich dignity as aw could, but it wor noa use jfor we had to pay to goa in. A'a! but it wor a grand spot! It wor unlike owt awd ivver seen befoor! aw've heeard fowk tawk abaat fairy land, but fairy land wor a fooil to it—faantens an' flaars an' coloured lamps ivverywhear an' ith' middle on it all wor a stage for doncin, an' a band o' mewsic. As we wor lukkin at it a chap comes up an' says, "Billy, Billy," an aw nivver saw Billy luk as capt i' mi life. "Tha knows mi name," he sed, "but awm blessed if aw can tell whear aw've met thi befoor," an' he held aght his hand to shake hands wi him an' as sooin as he did this, th' chap shoved him a ticket into it an' stood waitin' Aw saw ther wor a mistak somewhear, soa aw tuk one an' gave th' chap a franc an' he left us, an' then aw saw at they wer nobbut programmes for th' Jardin Mabille. Th' music struck up, th' doncin stage wor sooin full o' fowk, (an' some o' th' grandest young wimmen aw ivver saw i' mi life; nay, they lukt ommost too grand for owt but angels,) an' ther wor hundreds standin raand to watch'em, an' Billy an' me wor ith' front row. It wor a dazzlin seet, one aw shall nivver forget, but one such as aw hooap nivver to see agean. Aw dooant believe th' pen's been made yet at i' th' cliverest hand could tell what that wor like. It wor indescribable! an' aw may as well let it pass withaat makkin an' attempt at it; but if all th' fiends i' Hell had stown heavenly shapes an' played such shameless pranks, Satan wod ha turned away an' blushed for em. An' yet, this wor done ith' front o' weel dressed men an' wimmen, some on'em wi ther sons an' dowters standin by,—young, an' innocent;—will ther innocence aghtlive ther youth? Awm feeard net. An' soa that's what all theas blazin leets an' flaars an' faantens an' temples is for. A glitterin frame to a filthy picter! a string o' jewels to hide a festerin sooar! hide! did aw say? Nay, net soa! but to deck; an' bi that means to thrust th' looathsum cancer in yer face an' seek for admiration, an' applause for that which makes ivvery drop o' virtuous blooid i' yor body stop in its coarse an' hurry back to th' inmost chamber o' yor heart to mourn ovver th' deeath o' ther sister, Modesty.
We stopt wol we thowt we'd seen enuff (aw thowt we'd seen too mich,) an' then we turned to-ward's 'Hooam, Sweet Hooam,' (tho' yo can cut th' middle word aght an' net loise mich o' th' trewth,) an' when we gat thear we pyked off to us beds, rare an' fain'at we'd beds to goa to, for we wor just abaat done up. Aw slept varry weel considerin', tho' aw dreamt a gooid bit, an' mi dreams worn't as pleasant as aw could ha liked em, for all th' neet long aw fancied at aw wor runnin' as hard as aw could to get aght o' th' gate o' awr Mally, an' shoo wor after me wi th' pooaker i' one hand to knock me daan, an' th' bellus ith' tother to blow me up, an' fowk a booath sides wor scageift me wi ladies heigh heeld booits, silk stockin's an' stuff, an' when aw wakkened aw wor thankful to find at aw wor at a safe distance throo em all, an' especially Mally. But ther wor a fearful row gooin on i' th' next raam to mine, an' aw wor a bit befoor aw could reight reckon it up, but when aw bethowt me at that wor whear Billy slept, aw jumpt aght o' bed as if ther'd been a whut cinder under me an' flew to see what wor to do. It wor a rare gooid job aw went, for if aw had'nt, one o' them two wod ha been tried for manslufter, an' it wod'nt ha been Billy. Nah, awve monny a time nooaticed what an' amaant o' courage ther is in a pair o' booits an' a pair o' britches, for aw nivver yet met a brave man when in his shirt an nowt else—let a chap have his booits an' his britches on, an' he'll run th' risk o' havin' a bullet sent throo his heead or his heart, but ther's net monny at'll goa bare fooit an' run th' risk o' havin' ther corns trodden on. Well, when aw jumpt aght o' th' arms o' Morpheus, aw did'nt stop to put owt on, an' when aw gate into th' next hoil an' went daan onto mi knees to seperate Billy an' another chap, aw lukt varry mich like what th' infant Sammywell wod ha lukt like at my age if they'd dressed him ith' same fashion as aw've allusseen him pictured in as a child. Nah, ther's an' owd sayin' at one Englishman is equal to two Frenchmen at ony time—but like a lot moor o' th' old sayins it isnt true, for there are times when one Frenchman can bother a couple o' Yorkshermen, (an' they're English if onybody is,) an' this happened to be a case in point; an' ther's noa daat he'd ha lickt us booath if he'd takken us booath at once, but when aw started o' him he left Billy an' stuck to me, an' as we wor rollin' on th' floor Billy lukt aght for a chonce, an' sat him daan fair on his shirt front, an' that settled him. If he'd been seized wi th' neet-mare he wod'nt ha been hauf as helpless, as he wor under Billy's horse weight. My ovver coit (aw call it ovver coit for it wor all aw had ovver me, an' nah it wor all ovver wi it,) hung raand me like strings o' tape, an' aw borrowed a sheet off Billy's bed to wind raand me, tho' aw did'nt like th' idea ov a windin' sheet; but Mally's allusdrilled noations o' daycency into me, an' aw knew shoo'd forgie me a deeal sooiner for gooin to th' Exhibition nor for makkin one. When Billy had getten his puff, (an' bi that time th' chap he wor sittin on had lost his,) he began to explain matters. "What does ta think?" he sed, "when aw wor asleep i' bed this mornin', this black muzzled, Kay-legged Payris chap coom into my raam, an' when aw wakkened up he wor marchin away wi mi britches, an' all mi brass is ith' pockets, an' when aw lawped aght o' bed to stop him he grinned an' gabbered away as mich as to say at awd promised to give em him th' neet coom on drest to represent Liberty—republican liberty aw mean,—an' shoo shaated an' yell'd an' threw hersen into shapes, an' waved a flag abaat, an' altogether kickt up sich a row,'at th' fowk all began to shaat an' yell an' wave ther caps abaat as if they wor goin wrang i' ther heeads, (if sich heeads can,) an' when shoo'd done they kept up sich a hullaballoo wol shoo coom back agean for a oncoor, but we'd had enough soa we pyked aght as quietly as we could an' wended us way hooam. We bid one another 'gooid neet,' an' wor sooin i' bed, net sooary to know at it ud be Sundy ith' mornin."
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VEN i' Payris day seems to braik moor softly o' th' Sabbath nor ony other day i' th' wick, an' th' burds tune ther throats to a mellower nooat, an' th' sun seems to kiss old mother Eearth moor lovingly, an' th' trees wave ther branches wi' a slower, statelier nod, as they whisper to each other an' to ivverything araand, "It s Sunday." It may nobbut be a fancy, but it's one o' them fancies aw favor, an' i' th' time o' bits o' upsets an' bother, (an' aw get mi' share same as th' rest o' fowk,) aw fall back o' that inner chaymer whear aw've stoored up pleasant memories an fond con-caits an' find a comfort i' livin for a while amang mi fancies an' mi follies. When aw gat daan to mi braikfast Billy wor waitin', an' aw could see'at Sundy made a difference even to him. His shirt neck lukt stiffer, an' he'd put a extra dooas o' tutty on his top-pin', an' he'd treated hissen to a shave for th furst time sin he'd left hooam, an' when he bid me gooid clothes early in the morning an' brush them and bring them back, he's the valet de chambre.
"Aw want nawther hills nor vallies i' my chaymer an' if awd been i' mi own haase awst ha gien him his mornin's fisick aglri ov a blunderbus, an' he'd nivver come for a second dooas. But aw should feel varry mich obleeged to yo if yo'd order theas fowk aght o' this hoil, th' wimmen espescially, an' then if ther's owt wrang, as sooin as awm weshed an' donned awst be ready to answer for it."
"Oh, that's no matter," he sed, "the women here think nothing about it."
"Happen net,—but that's noa reason aw should'nt." Soa th' maister turned raand an' tell'd em all ha ther'd been a mistak an' after laffin a bit, they pitied us an' coom to stroke us daan as if we'd been a couple o' cannibals at had swollered a missionary in a mistak', an' wor to be sympathised wi, becoss we knew noa better. An' if Billy had been a cannibal he could'nt ha been moor savage nor he wor when one old woman wi a face like a dried caah blether, went an' shoved her maath under his nooas an' gave him sich a dooas o' onions'at that an' a bit o' liver wod ha done for his braik-fast.
Th' maister made us understand at it ud be better to give em a trifle just to save ony bother, soa Billy gate his britches an' pooled aght a handful o' silver an' held it for him to help hissen, but he nobbut tuk aght one france an' gave it to one o' th' police'at awd fancied wor a sodger, an' he held it up for em all to see, an' they went aght smilin an' makkin bows an' droppin curtsey's as if we wor kings.—Thinks aw, a little brass gooas a long way here, for if yod to give a shillin to two chaps at hooam, one on em ud be sewer to turn raand an ax if yo intended that for em booath.
We made a hearty braikfast after all wor squared up an' then we began to plan ha to spend th' day, just then th' pooastman coom in an' after starin at me for a minit, he gave me a letter—When aw saw th' envelop aw did'nt wonder at him lukkin a bit hard at me, for it wor throo Mally an' shoo's a way ov her own wi mooast things, an' as shoo knew at Sammywell Grimes' wor English, an' varry likely could'nt be understood bi forriners, shoo'd cut mi pictur off th' back o' one o' th' "Seets i' Lundun," an' pasted it on, an' had written undernaith
"Public Haase,
Payris."
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Deer Sammywell.
If tha doesnt get this letter be sewer an' rite to let me know as awm nooan fond o' wastin mi time penkin ower a piece a papper all for nowt an' if tha does get it tha need'nt bother to let me know for awm ommost at mi wits end an' fowks cryin shame on thi for leeavin me as tha does an' aw've had nowt to ait nobbut a cup o' teah sin tha left except a beefsteak an' a box o' pills an' ha they'll do for me aw connot tell yet but awl let thi know next letter an' tha mun tell me iwerything tha does an' says for awve had a nasty dream abaat thi an' aw fancied tha wor an' angel an' aw dooant want thi to fly away an' leeav me befoor tha's settled thi club'at should o' been paid last wick an' awr Hepsaba says at they'll happen present thi wi a legion o' horror an' if they do aw want thi to leeav it behind for we've lots o' flaysom stuff here already an' black clocks creeps abaat wi as mich cheek as if it wor them at paid th' rent an' we're swarmin wi flees noa moor at present soa tak care o' thi umberel an' be careful for tha knows what aw meean for tha'rt a gronfather an aw believe awr Hepsaba's child is gooin to have th' meeasles wi kind love noa moor at present Billy's mother is ommost ranty abaat him for th' last brewin is soa waik wol it will'nt run aght o' th' barrel an soa noa moor at present—
A'a Sammywell ha can ta fashun
To leav thi wife i' this here fashion
When tha owt to be at hooam mindin thi wark.
But aw believe tha wor nivver fond o' wark.
Nah tha sees aw can rite as weel as thee an' if ther isnt as mich poetry in it thers a deeal moor sense in it nor ther is ith' mooast o' thine soa noa moor at present An' aw remane
Thi lawful wife an' dooant forget it
Mally Grimes.
A'a! shoos th' same old lass as ivver shoo wor an' wi all her faults aw love her still. "Nah Billy, whear are we to steer to to-day? What says ta if we goa an' have a luk at th' Tuileries for they tell me at its a grand spot?"
"Aw care nowt abaat it! Aw wish we wor gooin back hooam for aw call this a waste o' booath time an' brass."
"Oh, tha'll begin to enjoy thisen nah an' awm sewer tha luks better an' aw hav'nt heeard thi say owt abaat bein bilious sin yesterdy mornin."
"Bilious! Who th' duce does ta think can be bilious in a country like this? Ther's nowt to get bilious on!"
"Awm sewar tha's seemd to enjoy thisen as far as aitin an' drinkin's consarned, happen tha'd like a bottle o' ale befoor we start off?"
"Nay aw want noa ale. Aw dooant fancy it here th' same as when awm at hooam. Aw wonder ha mi poor mother's gettin on. Ther's that three quarters o' malt, an' here am aw payin soa mich a day for hallockin mi time away dooin nowt; but let's start off for if ther's owt to see we may as weel be lukkin."
It wor a grand mornin, th' sky wor a breeter blue nor awd ivver seen it an' as we walked on th' river side all wor gay an' bustlin, an' th' air wor soa pure an' sweet wol it made us booath feel leeter, an' altho' it wor varry whut it did'nt seem to weary us. Th' Tooileries, (yo can buy a pictur on em for a penny,) aw shall'nt forget em in a hurry, we walked raand em but it ud ha killed th' best pairt ov a day to ha done em justice, pairt on em wor still standin up, blackened ruins, a monument grim an' ghastly to testify to th' blind fury ov a lot o' misguided fanatics at had escaped aght o' th' harness ov law's authority, an' to gratify ther unreasonin desires for destruction, wrecked beauties, at nawther ther brains nor ther purses had ever helpt to raise, an' left as a legacy to others, th' cost an' th' labor to patch up, an' as far as can be, replace what their senseless rage had destroyed, an' to try to blot aght th' black stain,'at an' insane mob had left on the blooid red page ov th' darkest day throo which fair France has passed.
We went throo th' Louvre next, an' if Payris could booast nowt else it could still hold up its heead an' be praad;—even Billy wor varry quiet as we went throo one gallery after another, an' aw must confess'at aw wornt sooary when we gate aght for ther wor soa mich to dazzle one wol th' pleasur wor painful. Just as we turned th' corner, Billy clapt his hand o' mi shoolder an' browt us booath to a deead stand—"Sithee! by gum! did ta ivver see sich a oonion as that i' thi life?"
Aw lukt, an' reight enuff it wor a queer object at wor anent us, an' it did'nt luk mich unlike a monster oonion th' wrang end up, an' as it sway'd throo side to side it lukt like th' dome o' St. Paul's on th' rant, "Why," aw says, "that's th' baloon! What says ta if we have a ride?"
"Whear too?"
"Up ith' air an' daan agean."
"But what better shall we be when we get daan agean?"
"When we goa up we shall be able to see all ovver Payris at once, an' it'll be a grand seet."
"Will it!—Well if tha thinks awve come here to mak as big a fooil o' misen as tha art, thart mistakken if tha wants to goa sky-larkin tha can goa, but if awve ony larks awl have em o' th' graand."
"Well, Billy, aw nivver thowt tha'd be flaid ov a bit ov a thing like that, aw gave thi credit for moor pluck."
"Pluck! does ta think at aw've kept a aleus at th' moorend all theas years withaat pluck? Ther's moor pluck i' my little finger nor ther is ith' whooal carcase ov a played-aght-old-poverty-knocker like thee, an' if aw tak a fancy to goa up to th' mooin, aw shall goa!"
We'd to pay a franc to get into th' square whear it wor, an' then it wor 20 francs to have a ride, "ray-ther a heigh price," aw sed to Billy.
"Well its happen a heigh journey," he sed, "but awst want to have a gooid luk at it befoor aw ventur, net at aw care owt abaat it whether its safe or net, but just to see ha its contrived for commin daan. Well, aw do wonder what they'll do next! ther's engines here big enuff to work a factory, an' a rooap thick enuff to tug th' Great Eastern an' as mich clooath used to mak that gurt bag as ud ha supplied ivvery poor body i' Payris wi a new suit, an' as mich gas to fill it as ud sarve my aleus for aw dooant know ha long; an' ther's as monny sailors to attend to it, as John de Morgan can find sixpences ith' collectin' box, an' its all for what? Nowt i' this world but to suit a lot o' strackle-brained fooils at'll be just as wise, or less, after they've come daan as they wor befoor they went up."
But i' spite o' all he had to say he meant gooin up, aw could see; net at he wanted, an' net becoss he'd noa fear abaat it, but just on accaant o' me havin spokken as aw did, an' rayther nor be thowt to be short o' pluck, he'd ha gooan up if he'd felt sewer he'd nivver ha come, daan. Aw cant say'at aw felt varry mich up on it, but aw wornt gooin to give Billy th' chonce to crow ovver me, soa we went to th' little office an bowt a ticket apiece an' wor sooin stood up amang a scoor moor in a big raand mahogny tub'at they called a car. Th' time coom for us to be off an' after as mich bustle an' shaatin as if we wor gooin to th' north powl, th' captain,—(Aw suppooas he'd be a captain;)—sed, "Now we're off!" in as plain English as aw ivver heeard. But aw did'nt see'at we wor gooin up at all, for we did'nt seem to stir, but when Billy lukt ovver th' edge he turned to me an' says, "E'e'gow! lad, th' world's tummelin!" An' that wor just like what it seemed like, for asteead o' us seemin to be leeavin th' world, th' world seemed to be leeavin us.
Well, it wor a wonderful seet reight enuff; but when we'd getten to th' end ov th' journey, an had mustered courage enuff to have a gooid stare raand, Payris nobbut lukt a littlish spot compared wi all we could see beyond it. A chap'at acted as guide gave a lectur, an' pointed aght ivverything worth noatice, but as it wor all i' French it wor Dutch to Billy an' me. We coom daan as gently as we'd gooan up, an' aw fancied at we all seemed in a bigger hurry to get aght nor we'd been to get in—When we stud once agean o' solid graand Billy stamped on it to mak sewer at it did'nt shake an' findin it as firm as usual he turned to me, "Well, what does ta think on it?"
"Why, awm glad we've been up," aw sed, "for it 'll be summat for us to tawk abaat."
"Eeah, but awm glad we've come daan, for if we had'nt ther'd ha been summat moor to tawk abaat, an' ony chap at'll goa up i' that consarn aboon once, unless he's weel paid for it, owt to stop up. Sup-pooas th' rooaps had brokken whear should we ha stopt thinks ta? Happen ha gooan up an' up wol we'd struck bang agean th' top an' had to stick thear! It's what aw call flyin ith' face o' Providence an' its a thing'at owt to be stopt."
"Whear shall we goa next; suppooas we try Notter dame."
"Try who tha likes if they sell a daycent article."
"Aw wornt meeanin owt to ait an' drink, aw meant a famous church'at ther is."
"Suit thisen, but awst nooan caar long to hear th' New Testyment made a fooil on."
We walked daan th' river side an' grand it wor—th' watter is a deeal cleaner nor th' Thames, but th' river's varry narrow an' ther's bridges ivvery few yards. Th' steeam booats wor full o' gaily dressed men an' women, an' music wor playin, an scoars 0' little booats wor skimmin along; all lukt lively an' fowk seemed happy. At ivvery convenient spot ther wor men fishing wi ther long rods, an' lollin ith' sun watchin th' bit o' cork bob up an' daan ith' watter; an' aw may as weel mention it here; aw saw th' same chaps ivvery day ith' same spots, sometimes early ith' mornin, sometimes when it wor ommost to dark to see, noa matter whativver time aw passed they wor at ther old pooasts. Judgin bi ther dress they wornt fishin for a livin, an' after lukkin at ther baskets an' nivver bein able to see at one on em had getten owt, aw made it aght at they must be fishin for enjoyment, an' aw hooap they catched it. Wol aw wor takken up wi watchin'em Billy wor tryin to mak aght what wor gooin on o' th' other side. "Sithee, Sammy! What's all yond; wimmen reckonin to be dooin? Are they weshin'?"
He'd guessed reight, an' thear they wor in a long shed at seemed to be fit up wi ivverything they wanted, soa far as we could see at that distance, an' they wor splashin an' brayin an' stampin an' tawkin as if ther lives depended o' which could mak th' mooast ov a slop an' th' biggest din. As we went walkin on, one o' th' seets at lukt to us mooast strange, wor th' number o' men walkin abaat i' black petticoits an' brooad brimmed hats. If a chaps face is an index to his karracter, as some fowk say it is, th' fewer o' th' priests, sich as we met, an' th'better for th' country aw should think. Aw dooant want to say owt to offend onybody, but to be truthful awm foorced to say 'at aw pivver saw sich a lot o' ill favvord fowk i' mi life, an' if Madam Tooswords wants to add another chamber o' horrors to her show shoo could'nt do better nor get th' casts o' some o' their mugs. Ther's noa likelihood o' ony wolves destroyin ony o' their flocks, soa long as they've sich scarecrows for shepherds. Still they seemed a jolly lot, but just as we gate to th' Cathedral a oppen cab drives up, wi a priest in it i' full cannonicals, white lawn sleeves an' all to booit; but th' seet on it knocked th' wind aght 0' booath Billy an' me.—Aw dooant say'at what we saw wor wrang—aw say at it did'nt luk reight to us—for he wor lollin' back ith' cab, dressed as awve tell'd yo, withaat hat, an' smokin a short public haase clay pipe—It saands strange to yo awve noa daat, but its true, an' when he jumpt aght, he lifted up his petticoit an' pooled some paper aght ov his pocket, an' stuffed some into th' pipe heead, put it in his pocket, spit onto th' porch ov a temple erected for th' holiest o' purposes, an' makkin some mooation at aw did'nt understand, he walked in, aw hooap wi motives purer nor his clooas or his breeath wor likely to be. At ivvery corner at yo'd to pass, wor a woman kneelin on a cheer, an' dressed to luk as solemn as a mute at a funeral, an' to render as ugly as possible, faces an' forms'at God had made beautiful; an' they'd each on 'em a bag i' ther hand wi a few coppers in it, an' they shook'em as yo went past. Aw did drop a copper into one but Billy wod'nt, for he sed if they wanted to cadge let'em goa aght into th' street an' cadge reight. He'd hardly getten th' words aght ov his maath when he sprang back an' planted his heavy booit fair at top ov a corn at awve been nursin for th' thick end o' thirty year, an' made me exhibit a one-legged performance at wor somewhat aght o' place just then, but Billy wor too mad to tak ony noatice, an' wor havin a row wi a long lank wizzened carcase an' face at belanged to a woman at stood behind a little table, an' had a little besom in her hand, but when Billy axed her what shoo'd done that for? shoo held up a bag wi some moor coppers in an' shook it at him grinnin at him like a monkey. "What's to do?" aw ax'd for it wornt a place to kick up a disturbance in—"Shoo's slarted me all ovver mi face wi watter aght o' that besom."
"Tak noa noatice," aw sed, "it's a practice they have i' this country to sprinkle fowk wi what they call holy watter;—ha mich did ta pay her for it?"
"Pay her! does ta think aw've gooan cleean of th' side?"
"Well, if tha hasnt paid her owt tha's lost nowt an' tha sees shoo has lost her watter, an' her trouble."
Th' watter will'nt matter much for shoo'll be able to mak some moor as sooin as that's done, an' as for th' trouble,—if awd had her aghtside awd ha gein her trouble. But Sammy, is this a church or is it some sooart ov a bazaar? Sithee, thers a woman thear sellin candles, an' another little picturs an' gimcracks, aw did'nt know they allaad fowk to sell stuff in a church. "What's yond chap dooin." We went to see, an' he wor tawkin away at a gate an' as fowk went in he handed em a ticket for which they paid. We follered an' he gave us each a ticket for 50c. an' we went to see th' wonders o' th' Treasury, as it wor called. Aw quite agree wi Billy'at it wor a sell, for ther wor little to see, an' that little not near as well worth seein as ony silversmiths shop winder. We did'nt stop long thear, but we had a long stroll throw th' buildin, an' it is a wonder—its a whoal mass o' beauties—an' someha it has'nt soa mich ov a luk ov a gravestooan makkers show raam, as awr St. Paul's an' Westminster Abbey—but one thing spoilt it all to me, for it seemed to sarve noa purpose nobbut money makkin, an' aw wonderd if th' time ud ivver come when another Man should mak a scourge an' drive aght th' desecraters ov His Father's temple—It's ommost time!
When we left that grand old pile, we crossed a street an' entered a buildin whear daily can be seen th' mooast sorrowful an' sickenin seet i' Paris. Aw meean th' Morgue. When th' remembrance ov ivvery other seet has faded, that'll still be fresh. It will'nt be rubbed aght an' yo connot blot it aght, aw wish aw could. Billy gave one glance raand—"Aw'll wait for thi aghtside," he sed, an' he wod'nt ha had long to wait if it had'nt been'at aw felt it a sooart ov a duty to see all at wor to be seen. It wor a scorchin hot day aghtside, but as sooin as yo entered this bare comfortless lukkin place, yo felt a chill creep all ovver yo. Why it is'at places intended to contain objects soa repulsive should be contrived i' sich a way as to add to th' painfulness o' th' Exhibition aw could nivver tell; but soa it is. Even i' Payris, whear glass an' glitter meets yo at ivvery turn, an' ornamentation runs wild ovver ivverything, recent or ruined, they could'nt spare one solitary touch to soften an' subdue soa agonizin a show—But th' place wor full o' fowk an' 'at ther wor summat moor nor common aw could guess. Inside a big glass screen, like th' winder ov a fish shop, wor a big braan stooan slab wi watter tricklin ovver it, an' on it wor laid three bodies'at had been pickt aght o' th' river; one a man, but aw will'nt say owt abaat it—it wor too fearful for me to try to paint it—one wor a bonny little lad abaat four years old, weel nourished, an' ivvery thing it had on throo its shoes to its hat showed ha praad sombody had been on it—My heart ached as aw thowt o' that poor mother at wor somwhear lamentin' her loss, an' yet buildin up hooaps at one glance at that little face wod settle for ivver—But it wor th' third, raand which th' craad wor clusterin;—it wor that ov a young woman, beautiful i' booath face an' form—soa beautiful'at it wor hard to believe her deead. What could have caused her put an end to a life'at had hardly fully blossomed into womanhood? It could'nt be poverty, for th' jewels still on her small white hands, wod ha beep enough to ha warded off want for a long time; 'er whole dress showed signs ov wealth an' extravagance. Aw could nobbut wonder an' feel sad an' repeat
"Has she a Father?
Has she a mother?
Has she a sister?
Has she a brother?
Or is there a nearer one
Still, and a dearer one?"
It lukt hard to see one soa young an' fair laid o' that weet stooan, past all help—One could but sigh an' walk away
"Admitting her weakness,
Her evil behaviour;
But leaving with meekness,
Her sins to her Saviour."
When aw joined Billy agean aw wor startin to tell him all abaat it—"Shut up!" he sed, "aw saw quite enuff, an' aw want to hear nowt noa moor abaat it. If it suits thee to goa maunderin abaat seekin' foi sorrow, it doesnt me. Aw want summat to ait, an' it'll have to be summat substantial, soa leead th' way into th' furst place tha comes to at tha thinks gradely."
We kept walkin on, an' havin soa mich to luk at, we went a long way withaat callin, but at last aw sed, "Wod ta like a plain sooart ov a shop or mun we goa to a showy spot?"
"Aw care nowt abaat it whether its plain or net if ther's summat fit to feed a true born Englishman throo Yorksher, but tha'll ha thi wark set to find a place here'at isnt showy—in fact as far as aw can judge, it's moor show nor owt else i' this blessed country; th' Exhibition is a big show—th' baloon's another show—yond doncin demons wor a show—th' churches are turned into shows—ther deead haase is a show—ther buildins are stuck up an' bedizened wi gingerbreead an' gilt, all for show—th' men an' wimmen are all shuffle an' show—an' sithee here! awm blowed if ther isnt a church steeple stuck up for a show! Well, that's a rum en! Aw've monny a time seen a church baat steeple but this is th' furst time aw ivver saw a steeple baat church!"
"Its true what tha says, an' a grand monument it maks ith' middle o' this square. It luks weel doesnt it?"
"Luks! aw care nowt abaat ha it luks! What is it for? That's what aw want to know! What's th' use o' fillin up a place wi stuff at's o' noa use nobbut to be lukt at?"
"They'll nivver stick thee up to be lukt at, for tha am't hansom enuff, soa tha need'nt freeat!" aw says, for aw felt a bit nettled.
"Noa, aw dooant hardly think they will, an' aw should fancy they havnt been to ax thee yet, have they? Aw think my turn'll be abaat th' next after thine."
Aw did'nt answer him back, for a varry gooid reason; as long as a chap tawks sense awl tawk to him, but as sooin as he maks a fooil ov hissen aw've done.
"Nah then, will this shop suit thi?" aw sed, as aw stopt anent a resteraunt door.
"If its fit for a littleary chap like tha reckons to be, it should be gooid enuff for a chap at keeps a aleus at th' moor end."
"If tha thinks tha can get my monkey up wi mak-kin a desplay o' thi own stupid ignorance tha'rt varry much mistakken! for awl nawther be put aght o' temper wi thee nor a man twice as gooid! an' if tha'rt anxious to be shut o' mi cumpny, aw think awst be able to spare thine!" an' aw walked on leavin him to suit hissen whether he follerd me or net. Aw went to th' end o' th' street an' wor just enterin another square wi another big monument ith' middle, when aw turned raand to see if he wor comin, an' just as aw did soa aw felt as if a cannon ball had landed o' mi stummack. A potbellyed Frenchman, donned i' red britches, an' a black coit an' a white appron teed raand him baanced abaat a yard off on me an' began tawkin an' shruggin his shoolders an' poolin his face into all sooarts o' shaps—nah it ud ha been better for him if he wor anxious to mak mi acquaintance, to ha chosen another time—Aw did'nt loise mi temper, coss awd made up mi mind'at aw wod'nt, but aw just gave him one for his nob'at sent him spinnin like a castle top, an' his hat flew monny a yard, an' aw stood ready to give him another o' th' same sooart if he thowt it worth his while to fotch it, but he did'nt, an' varry sooin two or three gethered raand us an' lukt as if they meant mischief to me, but aw kept cooil—aw wor detarmined aw wod'nt be put aght o' temper; an' aw seized hold o' mi umberel an' aw just felt as if aw could fettle abaat a duzzen on em—or two duzzen for th' matter o' that,—its cappin what a chap fancies he can do if he nobbut keeps cooil.—Just then Billy coom up an' th' Frenchman went up to him an' aw suppooas bi th' way he kept pointin to me, he wor tryin to explain matters, an' although Billy could'nt tell a word he sed he seemed to understand what he meant, an' he sed to me, "come on Sammy, awve ordered steaks an' puttates for two, an' another bottle o' red ink. Tha's nowt to be feeard on, it'll be all reight."
"Feeard on! ther's nowt aw am feeard on! Aw shuddent be feeard o' thee if tha wor twice as big as tha art, aw can tell thi that mich! Tha's been tryin all tha knows this mornin to mak me loise mi temper, but tha'rt suckt, for it'll tak a better man nor thee!"
"Well, aw dooant think tha has lost it, Sammy, it'd be a gooid job if tha had, an aw should pity th' chap at fun it, but ther's a treat for thi; tha could'nt ha pickt aght a better shop nor this if tha'd gooan all throo Payris, for ther's a stooan mason throo Manchester gettin his dinner, an' he can tawk awther French or English, an' he's knockt off wark for th' day, an' he's willing to show us raand."
This wor gooid news an' it made me feel—(not better tempered, becoss awd nivver been aght o' temper, tho' Billy swears to this day at aw wor as mad as a wasp, but then he's a poor judge o' human natur is Billy;) but it made me feel moor,—well, moor,—aw hardly know what to say, but yo'll know what aw meean, for awve noa daat yo've felt that way yorsen. When we gate in, he wor as pleeased to see us as we wor to see him, an' he sooin made th' Frenchman, (who turned aght to be th' maister) understand ha things stood, an' then he shuk hands wi me an' bowed, an' sed summat; an' th' mason tell'd me at he wor sayin 'he wor varry sooary if he'd hurt me, an' hooaped aw should forgie him;' "Ov coorse," aw sed, "tell him awm one'at nivver bears malice, an' at he mun thank his stars he met me when he did, for if aw had'nt happened to be i' th' best humour ith' world, aw should ha fettled his nop for him."
"Eeah, friend, be sewer an' tell him that for it'll happen saand moor like trewth i' French nor it does i' English—" Th' steaks happenin to come in just at that time put an' end to th' tawk, an' it wornt long befoor we put an end to th' steak. Then they browt us a big dish o' fruits—grapes an' plums an' apples an' peaches, an' we had a reight tuck in. "Aw dooant think aw've etten as mich crash sin aw wor a lad," aw sed, an' Billy sed he wor sewer he had'nt, an' he'd noa idea it wor as gooid as it wor!
"Well," th' mason sed, "that is owing to the climate, you would'nt enjoy the same things as well at home—I get fruit for breakfast. I dont think you drank much claret when you was at home."
"Awm sewer we did'nt," sed Billy, "for aw supt nowt but ale, an' nah aw hardly feel to care for it. But aw dooant think ale's as gooid here as it is at hooam."
"It ought to be for it comes from the best English breweries, but look at these workmen gettin their dinners, they look a fine set of men."
An' they did, an' Billy an' me did watch em, as aw began wonderin whether or net it wor true, at English fowk had all th' sense ith' world. Its worth while givin an' accaant o' their dinner, for this book will noa daat fall into th' hands o' monny a workin' chap at's apt to grummel even if he has to put up wi a beefsteak at hasnt come off th' steak booan, an' it may do him noa harm to know ha other fowk live.
One bottle o' claret, for which they paid a franc—a looaf, abaat a yard long, an' abaat as thick as mi arm, for which they paid half a franc—a jug o' cold watter an' three tumbler glasses. Aw wonder what three stooan masons at hooam wod ha made aght o' that for ther dinner—fifteen pence wor all it cost for three on em. They each hawf filled ther glass wi wine, then filled it up wi watter, an' then divided th' looaf into three, an' each takkin a fooit on it, they pooled pieces off an dipped it into ther wine an' watter an ate it wi a relish. "Sewerly," aw sed, "tha doesnt mean to say at that's all they'll ha to ther dinner."
"But it is, and what may surprise you to know is that breakfast and supper only differ by the addition of fruit or some simple vegetable, and yet they can work for twelve hours a day, and they dont look bad."
"They're three o' th' finest chaps aw've seen sin aw coom into Payris," aw sed, "but aw should think they'll hardly be able to do as mich wark as Englishmen?"
"Well, its generally thought so, but my experience is that they do—They never break any time—I have been here nearly two years and have over two hundred men under me—and there has never one lost a day through drink since I came."
"Well, its cappin isn't it Billy? one could hardly ha believed it if they had'nt seen it. What wod English masons think if they'd to be stopt off ther beef an ale?"
"Nay, its flaysome to think on, it maks me low spirited,—let's sup off an' be gooin—its as ill as th' deead haase is this."