HOME.HOME.
The basic incentive for marriage.—A completed home embraces a father, mother and one or more children, bound together by natural love for each other. The initial step in home building is taken when a man and woman decide to assume the duties, responsibilities and functions of marriage. Courtship and marriage may be prompted by a number of motives. There is but one natural and worthy motive—LOVE. This motive may be a little out of date in some circles, but it remains essential to a normal home, a happy productive home. This expression of love is awakened to conscious activity through acquaintance and friendship, becomes a joyful reality in courtship, is consummated in marriage and is perpetuated through life, becauseof a chaste, pure, unselfish sex preference of one man for one woman and that one woman for that one man. If for any reason, this sex preference is ever broken, the bonds of love between husband and wife will be weakened, if not severed for all time. This bond of union may be broken in a number of ways. There may be other causes of domestic inharmony, all of which can be adjusted so long as sex preference, or love, binds the two as one. Under the guidance of unselfish sex selection, few mistakes would ever be made, in the choice of a companion.
The tests of true love.—A man and woman bound by pure love for each other, may live in a shack or a humble rented cottage, they may have to toil late and hard to support a family of growing children, but they and the children will be happy and usually healthy and strong, bound together by mutual love. They will remain true to each other through adversity, sickness and death.
Mismated.—If husband and wife are not bound to each other by a natural sex preference, or love, though they may hold in their possession broad acres of land, railroad bonds and heavy deposits in the bank, live in a mansion and move in the élite circles of society, they will not love each other, their children, or be able to build a REAL home.
Other incentives for marriage.—It is quite customary,
A Good Argument for Pure LivingA Good Argument for Pure Living
in some grades of society, to choose a life companion for social or financial advantage. Such unions are not natural. They are cold business transactions. A man prompted by these motives sees in a woman the qualities of a good housekeeper, a social queen, or a financial gain. A woman prompted by unnatural motives sees in a man opportunities for social prestige, a life of luxury and ease. They drift apart instead of their personalities blending, through love, as one. Soon he spends his days in his daily vocation and his evenings in the lodges. She finds her only pleasure in following the latest fashions and devoting her time to various social functions. Each have their secrets and manage to avoid public disgrace.
Should a child be born into such an unnatural home, it would receive an unfortunate heredity and a still more unfortunate environment. The initial of its life was accidental, its prenatal rights were not regarded, its advent was not welcomed, it is now turned over to a hired nurse. Such a child is more unfortunate than an orphan. In no true sense has it a father or mother. This child, when visitors are about, or when the family is making a public display, may be petted, pampered and spoiled by its parents and on all occasions lavishly supplied with dress and toys; thus egotism will be stimulated and propensities gratified and this child will be placed at a decided disadvantage in life. Comparedwith this child, the little ragged street urchin is to be congratulated.
When the natural, God-designed and God-honored, sex instinct is perverted and base desire supplants love, in the choice of a companion, the home instinct is degraded, love dethroned and inharmony prevails.
The Romance, of Courtship and the Honeymoon, is Transitory. There is a certain amount of the glamour, mystery, novelty, romance and poetry connected with courtship and the honeymoon, while perhaps natural at the time, but in the very nature of the case cannot be permanent. The plain, practical, everyday experiences of life must become prominent in every successful home. The fairyland, of flowery visions, rippling streams of sentiment, poetic fancies of bliss and the lunar and stellar raptures of love, must yield, after a period of such experiences, to mundane realities where these beautiful dreams terminate and air castles are destroyed and life once more becomes real.
When the termination of this romantic period comes to the young wife, whose vision of marriage was received from sensational novels, fashion journals, the theater and gay social gatherings, and to the young husband, kid-gloved, well-starched and much-cravatted, it will be unexpected and very disastrous to their imaginary love. Cruel and prudish are they, who are responsible for creating artificial socialvisions in the minds of the youth. But when the termination of romance comes to the young husband and wife, whose courtship and marriage have been true to nature, this will be supplanted by the dawning consciousness of life’s real mission in marriage and they will discover that the truest, sweetest and most enduring pleasures and joys of life have only begun.
The first born.—Fortunate and happy is that young couple, who, before the romance of marriage is over, becomes aware that preparations must be made for the first little stranger into their home. If the faint prophecies, of the approaching advent of their first-born, thrill their lives with hopeful and joyful anticipations, marriage will now have a deeper significance, the bonds of love and dependence become stronger and the pleasures of life more real. The supremest moment of marriage comes when the young husband, who for the first time, in the birth chamber, stands by his wife’s side, holding her hands in his; stoops and kisses her lips, cheeks and brow, as she bravely and beautifully endures the throes of parturition. Such an experience is enough to transform a brute into a man. When the first-born is placed to the young mother’s breast, a deep, profound, but quiet happiness knows no bounds in two hearts that beat as one. This is the primary purpose of marriage. A cooing baby is nature’s own sequel to the honeymoon.
God’s Richest Blessing to a Home.God’s Richest Blessing to a Home.
Health, happiness and life worth living is made possible through parenthood.
If a child was intelligently planned for and warmly welcomed into every home, the first year of married life, then one by one at reasonable intervals until the family consists of four to eight healthy, happy, well-cared-for children, most of the problems of marriage would be solved.
The childless homes.—All efforts to evade the fiat of nature and God, “multiply and replenish the earth,” not justified by the authors of this law, will lead to health blighted, happiness destroyed, a home wrecked and two souls will be arrested in their endless progress. In homes, voluntarily childless, and in homes where one or two little intruders were accidentally and unwillingly admitted, can be found the most serious and perplexing social problems.
Childless homes made happy.—The involuntarily childless homes, and the homes voluntarily childless, because of justifiable reasons, need not be unhappy. Their paternal and maternal natures may be developed by adopting homeless children. In this land there are many such happy homes. If the mother love, in childless homes, annually wasted on poodle dogs, was expended on homeless children, there would soon be no childless homes, orphan homes and homeless children, and more happiness in the world.
How shall family troubles be solved?—While natural sex preference and the birth of children solve almost all the domestic problems and make possible the solution of all family troubles, they do not render the husband and wife immune to all differences, disagreements, incompatibilities and perplexities. It is not possible for the husband to see everything from his wife’s view point, or the wife to see everything from the husband’s point of view. If they differ in taste, retain their personalities, have lofty ambitions, possess sensitive natures and have their individual ideals, they will often differ in their opinions, and, occasionally very good people will find themselves in disastrous disputes. Commendable ideals and virtues, as well as faults, may become the sources of domestic trouble. What should they do—separate? No. Secure a divorce? Certainly not. Let these steps be the last possible resort. Where a family of children are to be scattered and injured by the disgrace, perhaps a divorce should not be sought, on any grounds. The bleeding hearts and blasted hopes caused by one divorce is greater than that caused by a score of deaths. Divorce degrades morals, withers ideals and causes untold human suffering. What is the remedy? Agree to let past differences, disagreements and quarrels remain in the past. Don’t bring the dead yesterdays over into the living to-days. Eachmorning, give each other a clean slate. Resolve each morning to please, rather than to displease your partner. By doing this, irreconcilable differences will gradually disappear. This does not mean that they should lose their individualities, or compromise with their convictions. This is not a radical or expensive remedy, but one that works in nearly every case.
The father is the head of the home.—The character of the home determines the character of the church, society and the nation. The home is the most important of all earthly institutions. The problems of society, the church and the nation, if ever solved, must be largely solved in the home. The home is both a civil and divine institution. Civil and divine law place the husband and father at the head of the home. No teacher sustains a more vital relation to society, no minister to his congregation, no king to his empire, or president to his republic, than does the conscientious father, who does his best to build an ideal home. He is truly serving God and his country, in the highest sense. In the work of building a home, he is serving society and the church in a higher sense than he would be, were he neglecting his family, by writing books, teaching school, delivering lectures or preaching sermons.
His relation to his wife.—The relation of husband and wife is a partnership affair. In every sense they are equal partners. Their rights and privileges areequal. Their part in building a home is not, in all respects, the same. The service of one is as important as the other. Neither can build a home without the other. Their service is incomparable.
He is to furnish financial support.—Nature has fitted man mentally and physically for devising means of earning a support for his family. Whatever occupation, calling or profession he may engage in, he should put forth the best effort of which he is capable to produce an income that will support his family decently.
The amount of money he can furnish his wife, will depend upon his earnings. They should talk over this matter as partners. One has as much right to the income as the other. They should not spend more than is produced. If the income is small, both should economize. They should endeavor to save something each year, even if the income is small. Money is stored-up human energy. If the income is large, they should be more liberal in the use of it, but it is always a sin to waste money. The husband has no right to cause his wife to beg him for money, to meet her personal expenses or the expenses of the children. The money is not exclusively his own. Home building is a partnership in which every member of the home is interested in every dollar produced. Legally the father may spend his money on his selfish indulgences. Morallyhe has no right to spend the home company money in a way that will not benefit each member of the home. For a father to annually spend fifty or more dollars on tobacco or drink and refuse corresponding amounts to his wife and children to be spent needlessly by them, is as dishonest, as for a member of a firm, or the president of a bank to misappropriate the funds of a partner or a depositor.
He is to furnish moral support.—For a man to build a reputation for honesty, truthfulness, sobriety and virtue and to possess a good character are of more value to his wife and children, as a home builder, than to be able to produce large earnings and to be free with the same. When a man assumes the responsibility of building a home, his family have a right to demand of him honesty, integrity, sobriety and virtue. He has no more right to rob them of one than the other.
He is to love his wife.—While the romance of courtship and the honeymoon cannot be continued for life, yet he should always show her a deep respect, a manly courtesy, a true love and absolute loyalty to his marriage vow.
The relation of the father to his children.—Each child born into the home is a new member added to the partnership. The children have financial, social and moral rights that should be respected by the parents. While civil law and God place the father at thehead of the home, this does not give him special rights and privileges, or constitute him a boss or ruler, but he should so conduct himself that the family will regard him as their protector, supporter and adviser. He should not swear, tell vulgar stories, use tobacco or indulge in strong drink unless he is willing for each member of his family to follow his example. As partners in the home, they have the same moral rights as himself. He should be to his children a chum, a friend, a companion. He should constantly endeavor to make the children happy. There are times, in the home, when the father’s decision must be law. He must support his family. The law holds him responsible for their support and for their deportment as citizens. As long as they are under age, if they contract a debt or damage property, the law holds the father responsible. This responsibility makes it necessary for him to decide some things, in a way that a child may not wish to coincide. This should be done in a dignified and pleasant way.
The father should never allow himself to become angry or to use hasty and abusive language in correcting a child. If he does, he demonstrates his own weakness and inability to be a real father. Punishment of some natural kind is sometimes necessary, but corporal punishment, as a rule, is brutal.
The father should so conduct himself as to commandthe respect, reverence and love of his children. He should be sociable and gentle, as well as dignified and strong. He should have their complete confidence, so they will come to him with their problems and troubles. The sacred service of a true father in the home, can only be equaled by the service of the mother. The fathers who toil long and late, study and strive to support, educate and train a family of children to become good citizens and devoted Christians, will receive a rich reward here and a royal welcome yonder.
Husband and wife equal partners.—In the partnership of building a home, the wife is, in the truest and fullest sense, an equal partner with her husband. Equal rights and privileges should characterize their financial, social and moral relations. They are complements of each other. Neither is ever completed until the other half is found. They are essential to each other’s highest development. Neither can build a home without the other. Their relations to the home are of equal importance.
How they differ.—They differ in their functional relations to the building of a home. While their interests are mutual and their duties often overlap each other, yet they differ in some respects in their relations to the home. The husband is the producer; nature and God place on him the responsibility of feeding, clothing, sheltering and educating the family. The wife is the housekeeper; nature and God place on her the duty of motherhood and the love and care of children. Both husband and wife need special preparationbefore and after marriage for their respective relations to the home.
Marriage means motherhood.—Unless a woman loves little children and desires to teach and train boys and girls to become ideal men and women, she should not think of accepting a marriage proposition. Marriage is for the purpose of offspring. All girls should train and develop themselves with a view to the sacred functions of motherhood. Those who are mentally opposed to and physically incapable of motherhood should decline marriage. Such women can and should find some other occupation better fitted to their tastes, or physical condition, where they can be contented and help make the world better.
A farce.—In apartment houses, hotels and lodging places are to be found men and women living together under a form of legal matrimonial alliance, where the true idea of home is not contemplated, children are not wanted and no domestic happiness anticipated. These are human abodes, where the echo of birth is never heard; where the thrill of joy, caused by cooing babies, is never felt; and where conversation is never disturbed by romping children. This is a home only in name. This is a place of lodging where two miserable selfish beings are waiting for death to step in and end the farce.
A good substitute for a home.—I was once entertainedin a home where the husband and wife had crossed over the half century line of life. During my first day in that home, every few hours, the husband or wife would bring in from two to six boys and girls introducing them to me as their boys and girls. When the number had run up in the neighborhood of twenty, that home got interesting. When I inquired how often they had been married and how many children they had, I was informed that they were only borrowing them from the neighbors. I never saw a home with a greater influence for good. Though childless, their home was a heaven; for the neighboring children resorted, played games, and received instructions of the highest order there. The children were trained to hunt up the old, the sick and the poor and to daily carry them flowers gathered from the yard and garden of this old couple. This was an ideal imitation of the real thing—a model home. I wish every childless home could be converted into such an ideal imitation, or a real home.
A good housekeeper.—One of the qualifications a wife should have is a reasonable practical knowledge of how to keep house. It may not be necessary for her to do all her house work, but she should understand how it should be done. A man has as much right to demand that his wife know how to wash clothes, bake bread, sweep a room, and make a bed, as she has toexpect him to be industrious, know how to form or conduct his business or profession. She must know how to do these things in order to properly manage a well-ordered home.
She should know the value of a dollar.—The wife should know the value of a dollar and how to invest it in food, clothing and household comforts. To do this, she must make these things a study. Unreasonable extravagance of wives has caused many unhappy homes.
She should keep herself attractive.—She could never have won her husband had she not made herself attractive. Marriage does not lessen man’s interest in his wife’s attractiveness. The wise woman will not permit her husband to become ashamed of her.
She should be industrious.—A reasonable amount of physical exercise is just as essential to a woman’s health as it is for a man. The indolent wife who settles down in an easy chair and reads novels all day, satisfied with the fact that she is married and unconscious or indifferent to the fact that she must keep her husband’s respect, is likely to lose his respect and love.
She should take an interest in her husband’s affairs.—A wife should know enough of her husband’s business or professional affairs to enable her to appreciate his ambitions and to sympathize with him in his trials. In this way, some women help to make theirhusband’s success. There is quite a difference between interest and encouragement, and in interference. One leads to success; the other to failure.
Home first.—A good wife or mother will make the interests of her home first. If her home is first, in her mind and heart, she will not find time or inclination to gossip about her neighbors, or to contrive new ways of amusing herself. Her home interests will completely fill her life, consume her time, satisfy her æsthetic nature and furnish her the greatest opportunities for Christian service in the world. This does not preclude membership in a humanitarian society, a reading circle, or church. Great as this service may be, it is not equal to the home. A home builder is never justifiable in neglecting her home duties for her obligations to a club, a lodge or the church. By spending a few hours, in practical contact with other housewives at a social meeting or church, she is all the better able to perform her home duties. But these things should be subordinate to the duties of home building. Christ in the home will mean Christ in society, the church and the nation.
The anteroom to heaven.—When a woman has entered married life with her prince, determined to make a real wife and mother, she has chosen the highest and most fascinating career that is possible for a woman. Her home will be an anteroom to heaven.
The boy problem.—The boy problem is becoming one of unusual interest to writers, teachers, lecturers, ministers and parents. Books, teaching, lecturing and preaching can aid some, but the real problem of the boy must be solved in the home.
A boy should be treated differently from his sister.—The mental make-up of a boy, his superior strength, his natural aspirations and his duties in life, require that some of his training should differ from that of the girl.
He should be taught to work.—One of the most important steps in the solution of the boy problem is to have the boy actively engaged in some wholesome, pleasant and rational way. He should be given work that is worth doing well and that will be of use to him in future life. This training should begin in childhood and continue until he is matured. Every day he should have some task to perform and he should never be allowed to neglect his work.
Boys enjoy making money.—A boy should be
Ideal Relations of Children in the HomeIdeal Relations of Children in the Home
given a chance to make some money. Rarely should money be given to a child. It is far better for him to earn it. He will in this way learn the value of a dollar. He should be encouraged to deposit his money in bank, to loan it, on interest, or to wisely invest it. It is a great deal better for a boy to invest and lose than to spend his earnings for candy or a ticket to a ten cent show. A boy had as well be allowed to swear, drink and steal as to waste his money. If started right most boys would take pride in saving their money. Usually when parents wish their children to have candy or some other luxury, it would be wiser for them to pay for it, than for the children to do so. A child should be encouraged to give, out of his own money, to the needy, Sunday School and church.
Boys should have their own room in the house, their own things in the room and their property rights should be respected. When he fails, he should be encouraged; when downhearted, he should be boosted and when he succeeds, he should be praised and commended. Give the average boy a chance and he will make a man.
His future vocation.—Very early, boys show aptitude toward special vocations. When they do, they should be encouraged in every way possible. However, they should not be nagged and forced to follow any vocation for which they may have shown interestand natural skill. Furnish them helps and books and allow them to develop their own individualities. Parents should not choose the boy’s vocation for him. They should not interfere with his choice, unless it be pernicious.
Morally, his training should be the same as that of his sister.—Parents, who hold to two sets of morals, do right for the girl and do as you please for the boy, are not qualified to train a boy. A boy should be trained to believe that whatever is morally wrong for his sister and mother is equally wrong for him; it is just as ungentlemanly for him to swear, as it would be unladylike for his mother and sister to swear; that it is just as wrong for him to use vulgar and obscene language as it would be for his mother and sister to do so; that if he can drink and be sexually impure and remain a gentleman, his mother and sister can indulge in the same vices and remain perfect ladies. If parents believe in the double standard of morals, that the boy must sow his “wild oats,” most likely he will. There is no sane reason why a boy should swear and his sister should not, why a boy should use tobacco and his sister should not, why a boy should drink and his sister should not, or why a boy should be sexually impure and his sister should not. The boy, with the single standard of morals instilled in his mind, is incomparably more likely to make a useful, successful,great and good man than the boy trained to believe in the double standard.
Boys should play with girls.—Boys are, by nature, inclined to be rough, rude, coarse and untidy. They need to associate with girls who naturally have just the opposite tendencies. It is refining for boys to learn to enjoy the games of girls.
A girl’s ambition is to be beautiful; a boy’s ambition is to be strong. These preferences are natural and they should be encouraged in them. All boys delight in displaying their physical powers. Thus, they are led to test their strength with their sisters and often display roughness and rudeness. They should be carefully instructed that it is natural for girls not to be as strong as boys, and that for this reason they should protect girls and never be rude with them. Boys should have a place and the proper means of taking exercise.
The boy and his mother.—The mother and her boy should be chums. They should keep on the most intimate terms. The mother can often instill, into the mind and heart of her boy, a refined nature, gentle feelings, pure motives and a manly purpose, in a way that is not aggressive, and yet it is permanent.
A boy’s companions.—It is important for a boy to have good companions. If he has been trained as indicated, he will not rebel when his parents offer
Let Them Play TogetherLet Them Play Together
suggestions. However they should endeavor not to appear to be choosing his companions.
Going to college.—Many boys would be better off never to go to college. The contaminating influences of some colleges cannot be overestimated. Of all rowdyism, college rowdyism is the most demoralizing. In very recent years special efforts have been made in some of our colleges to eliminate this objectionable feature. There are some colleges where the manly, the moral and the religious predominate and the boy is fully as safe as at home. Before a boy is sent to college he should be fortified and safeguarded against college contaminations. Parents should investigate college morals before making the choice of a college for their boy.
The girl in the home is a member of the partnership plan of the family. She should have the same financial, social and moral rights of her brother. Her moral training should be no better than his. If she is properly trained in the home, her services are as valuable as her brother’s and she should have the same financial rights.
The girl and her father.—The father, if worthy of being such, should have the confidence, respect and love of his daughter. She should feel free to approach him with her wishes and her problems. His advice and council will be of great value to her in her social relation with young men. Many girls fail to show themselves interested in their father. Girls should be attentive, kind and loving in their relations to their father.
The girl and her mother.—A mother should not forget the experience of her girlhood. Though busy and burdened with many cares, she should take time to talk, often and intimately, with her daughter, of her own girlhood, her own temptations, her own experiencesin the various vicissitudes of life. By wisely cultivating the relation of a sympathetic companionship, the mother can often bridge her daughter over that period of adolescence, when many girls come to regard their mothers as “old fogies.” This is a stage of growth in a girl’s life. It usually occurs when they are in the high school. They openly and unkindly criticise their mother’s dress, speech, advice, council and religion. This is a period of development that girls pass through. The right relation between the girl and her mother would save the mother from many tears and heartaches and the girl from many regretful memories of misconception and blindness.
Fortunate, is the girl, who has never had an attack of “high school snobbery,” who has never spoken lightly of the imaginary deficiencies of mother; but, who has always found it a joy to divide gifts with mother, to hand her the prettiest rose and to read her a choice story.
The girl and her brother.—Girls do not always appreciate the influence they are exerting over their brothers. A boy’s estimate of woman is often received from his sister’s influence. A sister has it largely in her power to make her brother gentle, true and pure. She can make home attractive and pleasant for him and thus save her brother from seeking pleasures in questionable places and ways. Brothers and
Chums in the HomeChums in the Home
sisters should grow up together, be educated together, play together and, as far as possible, help each other. Their joys and sorrows, aims and purposes should be mutual. Her lack of physical strength, her natural tastes and aspirations, her duties and mission in life, being in many respects different from her brother, require a line of preparation unlike her brother receives.
Her first and most valuable training.—Marriage is not the only goal toward which a young woman may turn, but it is the most natural, important and worthy. Most all girls look forward to marriage as a possible and desirable goal. Perhaps no woman would refuse marriage, if the right man should propose. It is for this reason that every girl should prepare herself thoroughly to be a housekeeper, a wife and a mother. This should be her first and most thorough training. She should not rest satisfied until she has learned every phase of how to keep house, to care for the wants of small children and to manage hired help. This training should begin in childhood. A girl should be able to dress herself and to keep her own room by the time she is ten years old. Whatever may be her career in life, she will always be the better off because she is a good housekeeper. She may not have to be a housekeeper, for she may have servants, still she is all the better off, as she will understand how to manage the servants.
The independent girl.—In addition to having prepared herself for a housekeeper, a wife and a mother, she should now prepare herself for some vocation in life. The right man may not present himself, she may be called upon to support an aged mother or father, or an invalid husband, and she will need to know how to earn a living. A girl, unprepared to support herself, waiting year after year for some man to come and marry her, is an object of profound pity. If the right man comes along and marries her, all is well. But she often marries the wrong fellow, or waits for many weary years and yet, he never comes. A generation ago few opportunities of earning a support were open to a girl. Conditions have changed, woman’s ideals have grown and the world offers her other vocations than housekeeping, wifehood and motherhood, and unless these come in very attractive form she can choose the vocation of art, music, teaching, stenography, book-keeping or some other calling. By the time she is eighteen, a girl should be able to keep a house or earn a living in some business way. This will give her an assurance of independence. Regardless of the wealth of her parents, she should have these two qualifications. If her parents are poor and she is ambitious, she can now work her way through college, if she desires.
If the morals of a girl have been properly safeguarded by her mother’s training and teaching, the independentgirl is little more likely to fall than the girl who remains at home and waits for a husband.
The independent girl who goes out into the world with her brother, shoulders the same burdens, wrestles with the same problems, fights the same battles and overcomes the same difficulties, will meet a better class of men than those who would likely seek her out in her home. She is more likely to be happily married, than if she remained at home. She is now better fitted to be a housekeeper, wife and mother, than if she had remained at home. She has learned how to produce a dollar, she now knows the value of it and how, wisely, to spend it.
Mother’s Responsibility.Mother’s Responsibility.
Home a unit of government.—As already observed, the home is a partnership. It is a unit of government. In an ideal unit of home government, every member is governed by and through an intelligent understanding of the customs, rules and laws, a conscientious recognition of what is right and wrong and the golden rule of love. Each have equal rights. What is wrong for one is equally wrong for each and all. What is right for one is equally right for each and all. Such a home is a unit of government where parents and children are organized under a constitution of intellect, conscience and love; for the purpose of building character, fitting themselves for larger citizenship in this life and the life that is to be the sequence to this one.
The home is the biggest institution in the world. Home building is the noblest and highest vocation in life. Its responsibilities are stupendous, its possibilities are limitless and its rewards are infinite. Home builders should be the best qualified and the most skillful of architects.
The training of a child.—Solomon said, “train upa child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” The thoughts, actions and habits of childhood have much to do with a child’s future character and possibilities. When a child’s training is commenced in early childhood, was it begun soon enough? After a noted surgeon had examined a patient, turning to a friend he said, “If I could have had this patient two generations ago, I could have saved his life.” When Oliver Wendell Holmes was asked when a child’s training should begin, he replied, “At least one hundred years before he is born.” Sometimes it happens that good children are made bad and bad children are made worse by the company they keep before they are born. The little boy was not far wrong, who, when he found his mother lamenting the choice she had made of a life companion, said, “Mamma, we made a bad choice when we chose papa, didn’t we?” Some children have made an equally bad choice of their mammas and some appear to have made a doubly bad choice of both parents.
Each child must be studied.—A child is not easily understood. No two children are alike. Each child has a very complex nature. He is the product of the ages. The complex nature of his parents are blended into his being, producing a more complex being. He is not a duplicate of either. He has received from his parents a blending of their natures; in a limited way,what they inherited from his grandparents and their grandparents back to Adam. Parents and teachers should try to discover his latent forces, his slumbering passions, his genius, his inherent propensities and native goodness. They should wisely use nature’s laws and God’s gifts, in constraining, controlling and eradicating the inherited and acquainted tendencies that are pernicious; also in drawing out, giving direction to and developing the inherited and acquired good in his life.
Importance of early training.—Children in the home are to be trained. Their prenatal culture, the most important part of a child’s education, may have been respected or neglected. This cannot be altered now. The next agency to be utilized in the child’s training is environment. This can be applied from its birth. The child is more susceptible to external influences in babyhood than in childhood, in childhood than in youth, in youth than in maturity. The child becomes more fixed in disposition and character and more difficult to change as he grows older.
The training of parents.—If I were a perfect sage, philosopher or Christian, or all three combined into a perfect teacher, I would much prefer the task of training one hundred little children than the task of training ten parents (including the author) how to train their children. Most parents need to devote three hours, to a careful analysis and study of their inherited and acquiredweaknesses, to one devoted to a similar study of a child.
A study of disposition.—Such peculiarities of mind and disposition as cruelty, ambition, firmness, conscientiousness and affection may be so pronounced in one’s life as to bias his judgment and unfit him for the training of children. When one of these characteristics is very dominant in a father or mother, it will most likely appear in an exaggerated form in one or more of the children. Like excites like, is a law that should be thoroughly understood by parents. Where firmness is very pronounced in both parents and child, there will be a constant clash unless one or both exercise full self-control. Such a child should be controlled largely by love. A severe or cruel parent will make a coward of a timid child and a criminal of a self-willed child. The over-conscientious parent will disgust one child and make a fanatic of another. The over-affectionate parent will appeal alone to the affections and leave the will of a child undeveloped. Appealing alone to the ambition of a very proud, ambitious child is likely to make him conceited and egotistical. For a parent to quarrel, have a fit of anger or to use violence is degrading and demonstrates his weakness and incapacity to be at the head of a family. At the same time, these mental states tend to awaken similar feelings in the child, which usually result in a clash. Ifthe child had first displayed anger, this could have been overcome by self-control, kindness and love on the part of the parent.
The law of influence.—If you want to arouse a desirable feeling, sentiment, emotion or conviction in another, you must be controlled by that mental and moral state and allow it to emanate from you. If you are controlled, by an undesirable thought or feeling, others must have self-control enough to resist your influence, or soon they will be controlled by a similar mental state. Thus, we see that unless parents exercise judgment and self-control, they will often use methods that are unwise and harmful.
Defects in our homes and schools.—One of the saddest defects in our home training and our system of education is, that when a child reaches maturity in the home or graduates from the high school or college, he knows more about other things than he does about himself and the essentials of building a home. How to analyze, study, know and control one’s self; how to understand, train and govern children would be of far greater value in the education of young men and women than many departments of study we now emphasize.
The function of the home.—The children are in the home for the primary purpose of being developed into ideal men and women. To accomplish this end isthe mission of parents. To do this effectively parents must possess high ideals. These ideals include such training and education as will lead to a strong and healthy body, a keen and well-trained intellect, a moral and religious character and an abiding faith in God.
Physical training.—The physical, mental and moral natures are intimately and vitally related. One influences each of the other two. The physical health and strength of a child hinders or helps the mental and moral life. The proper time to overcome the weakness of any physical function, or inherited physical weakness, is in childhood. This is done by proper dieting, hygienic living, bathing, exercise and sexual chastity. Improperly prepared and unwholesome food are the chief causes of death among infants and a leading cause of impaired indigestion in childhood. The kind of food used, effects the mind and character of the child. Too much candy, rich pastries and meat are not good for a child, or grown people either.
Use of medicine.—One hundred million dollars ($100,000,000) are spent annually on patent medicine and fully that much or more on mineral drugs. We are not animals. We do not know how to live. Few men would be willing to give a lawyer ten dollars to tell him how to keep out of trouble, but he will give him all he has to get him out of trouble. Few would give ten dollars to a doctor for preventive advice, butthey will pay a doctor all they possess, for a cure. Oliver Wendell Holmes had a custom of saying, “If all the drugs of the world were thrown into the sea, it would be a blessing to humanity, but a curse to the fish.” Children should be kept healthy by hygienic living.
Use of condiments, coffee, tobacco, etc.—Condiments, tea, coffee and tobacco are not foods—they stimulate—they do not strengthen; they create unnatural appetites and inflame the passions. No one would drink tea or coffee were it not for the tannin and caffeine contained in them. If these drugs were removed, these drinks would be no more tempting than a cup of warm water. Most people, who use these drinks would consider it a sin to go to a drug store, buy some pure tannin or caffeine, dilute it with water, sweeten it with sugar and drink it.
The tobacco habit is an enormous evil.—It creates a demand for something stronger. It paves the way for the whisky habit. Drunkenness is largely due to a pathological physical condition. Remove the causes, coffee, tobacco and sensuality and it will do more to check drunkenness than all the legislation that can be secured in the next century.
Mental training.—The mental training of children is very largely committed to school and college teachers. Parents should take a very intense interest in thechild’s education. They should study the talents and discover and strengthen the weaker faculties of the child. Most children get their minds “stuffed” with unassimilated facts. Nothing is clear to them. They do not remember what they have learned. They cannot reason logically. They have had their minds “stuffed.” Parents as well as teachers, can largely prevent this. From the earliest mental training of the child, he should be trained to take a personal interest in knowing things. He should be taught to think. Encourage a child to ask questions. If he asks questions which he should understand, have him answer them and give his reasons for the answer. In some cases ask him questions that will suggest an answer. Getting a child started right is the more important half of his education. He will look after the other half.
Moral training.—The object of all moral training of a child is self-government or self-control. Before a child is capable of self-government, he must be taught to distinguish between right and wrong. This is largely the work of the intellect. His conscience must be awakened and quickened. Conscience is a natural instinct through which God’s spirit and man’s conception, of right and wrong, prompts him to moral action, and which condemns the action he conceives to be wrong and approves the action he conceives to be right. The will must be so trained and developed that a childis able to will to do what he knows to be right and his conscience approves. He is now a perfectly free agent, a law to himself. He is governed from within and need not to be governed from without. This moral training requires years and should begin in infancy.
Let the baby alone.—Good babies are made bad by receiving too much attention. The baby should not be lifted from the cradle, fondled and coddled, kissed and talked to, simply because it gurgles or makes an innocent attempt to be noticed. This is needless attention. At first it is disagreeable to the child. Later a demand is created and the child is spoiled. If left alone babies would entertain themselves much of the time.
When a baby is learning to crawl and walk, observe the “let alone” policy as much as possible. Keep an eye on the child to see that it does not get hurt. What you do not want it to have, put out of its reach. It should be safeguarded from places of danger. If these precautions are taken, you will be saved the excuse for that endless round of “don’t get hurt,” “don’t touch that,” “don’t do that,” etc. By these endless “don’ts” children are taught disobedience. If the child falls, unless it is hurt, do not run and pick it up. Let it alone, it will get up. In this way you teach it to be independent and self-reliant. If you run andpick it up, the child gets the idea that you were to blame. Later, when it falls, it screams, cries and gets angry. Perhaps you hit the object and teach the child that the object over which it fell was at fault. This is deception and has a bad effect.
Give the child something to do.—Teach it to dress itself, to take off and put on its shoes and stockings. It should have a special place to put these, on retiring. It should have a drawer or a room where it can put its individual belongings. This teaches the child the idea of responsibility.
The first idea of wrongdoing.—When a child eats some forbidden thing, or does some forbidden act, from which it suffers, it can be led to see that it has violated the laws of nature. If possible, alleviate the pain, but the lesson which nature would teach, through pain, should be emphasized. The child should see that the pain came as a result of violating the laws of nature. A little later in life, the child can be taught that all desires, thoughts, words and acts that are helpful to self and others are right and those that injure self and others are wrong. These principles can be applied gradually to the laws of the home, of society and God.
Parents should agree.—There should be a perfect agreement between parents, with respect to the government in the home. Where parents disagree,children lose all respect for parental authority. Differences should be discussed by parents, only when the children are not present.
Punishment in the home.—Whipping, slapping and cuffing are relics of savagery. Whipping should never be resorted to except in extreme cases. It is not the natural consequence of disobedience. It never appeals to a child’s sense of justice. Punishment should always be natural and consistent with justice. Some examples will illustrate these principles, as follows: A child is called to breakfast—it does not come. Stubbornness or disobedience is the cause. What should be a natural punishment? Scolding, slapping, jerking the child up and forcing it to the table? No—there is no logical connection. The punishment should consist in the child’s doing without its breakfast. This should be explained to the child: A boy loses his toy. Should he be pitied and another bought for him? Certainly not. Should he be whipped? This would not be natural. He simply goes without his toy until he finds it: A boy steals some object. Should he be whipped? No. His attention should be called to the nature of his sin. He should be compelled, if necessary, to return the stolen object and confess his wrong. The deep sense of humiliation is the natural punishment. Let him feel the full force of it: A boy uses tobacco. Shouldhe be whipped? Certainly not, as long as his teacher, the family doctor, the minister and the father use it. No child on earth could see any connection between the wrong and the punishment. What should be done? Nine times out of ten, under present conditions, the boy will use tobacco, in spite of all that a mother can do. So long as doctors, teachers, ministers and fathers use tobacco, legislation against the cigarette will increase our youthful criminals. If a father has a moral right to use tobacco, so has his boy. If the boy can be led to see clearly that the use of tobacco is wrong, if his conscience can be awakened and if his personal will can be brought to constantly oppose the use of it, then he can be saved. THIS IS THE ONLY REMEDY.
Study the offense.—Find the natural consequence. Become an example of obedience to every law, for your child. Show the child the results of wrong living and the benefits of right living. This will usually obviate all punishment, aside from what nature inflicts.
Corporal punishment.—If corporal punishment be unavoidable, it should not be administered when either parent or child is angry. This would only increase the cause that made the punishment necessary. In most cases it would be best to postpone the punishment until the next day. Only a very rebellious child can be helped by this method.
Scolding and threatening.—From a hotel window I heard a mother say to her twelve-year-old girl, “I will gouge your eyes out.” “I will slap your head off, you little hussy.” A child treated in this way becomes willful or spiteful, loses self-respect or respect for the parent. Scolding and threatening children are sins against their finer natures.
Three good rules.—The author’s father would not employ men on his farm without the understanding that they were not to swear, speak vulgarly about a woman, or tell a “ghost” or “bugaboo” story in the presence of his children. A servant, man or woman, about your business or home, can undo or counteract in a few hours or days, in a single statement or story, picture or book, act or habit, the life efforts of a noble father and a pure mother. One of the purest men recently said to me, “When I was only fifteen years of age I heard a servant utter one sentence that required a score of years to get its effects eradicated.” Men have told me of the pernicious effects of servants, dating back to when they were two and three years old. Frightful stories and startling statements, of impending dangers, destroy the natural freedom, independence and courage of many children for life. Once I sat by the side of a nervous mother holding a nervous four-year-old girl in her lap, as our train sped forward at the rate of fifty miles an hour, over one of those magnificentstretches on a western prairie. We had discussed heredity, child training and other interesting and vital subjects, when she referred to her nervous little girl and told me how at night she would notice her little body twitching, jerking, floundering and all at once she would awake with a scream having dreamed that she was falling from some dizzy height toward jagged rocks and certain death beneath; or that some huge angry beast, poised on tiptoes and in the act of pouncing upon her and tearing her body into shreds—a horrible nightmare. About the time she had finished describing one of those fearful experiences and was in the act of asking me for advice, we were passing an object on the outside that interested the little girl; quickly she turned and began peering through the window. She was in no danger. Her head was not projected beyond the window. The nervous mother grabbed the little girl by the body and cried, “You are falling! You are falling!” My reply to her request for advice was, “My! if you should handle me that way, I would have a half dozen nightmares here in open daylight.” I told that mother that her daughter’s nervousness was due to bad heredity and bad environment and that she was responsible for both.
Personal purity.—As soon as a child begins to enquire about its origin, it is old enough to be toldthe truth in the right way. Some children become interested when they are three and four, all normal children by the time they are seven. Since the inquiring mind will not rest satisfied until a plausible answer has been received, and since the ignorant and vicious youth is ever alert and anxious to give this information in a pernicious way, it behooves the thoughtful parents to safeguard their children with the truth told in the right way. No normal boy should reach the age of eight, or girl the age of ten, before they have been told the story of life.
Children often discover, or are taught, the secret vice at a very early age. Sex consciousness and pleasure may be early developed because of some unnatural conditions of the sex organs. For this reason, parents should know that these parts are normal in their children. When children are observed to frequently handle, or scratch these organs, unnatural conditions should be suspected. The child should not be slapped or scolded, rather call in the family physician. Trying to keep a child ignorant concerning this vice is impossible, therefore unwise. There is not one boy in fifty who does not know of the vice, and understands the language used to describe it. Trying to keep a child from vicious companions is good as far as it goes, but the facts are that the child is most likely to discover the vice himself, while it is hardly possible to keep achild entirely away from the vicious. The only sane method is to teach the child the laws of personal purity. If the secret vice is to be prevented, some children should receive council when they are six, others at eight, all by the time they are ten or twelve. Children have inherited lustful tendencies. Their troubles are more largely from within than from without. Hence the children that have been most carefully guarded from bad company and kept in ignorance are usually the ones who are most injured by the secret sin. A single talk to a child is not sufficient. We frequently instruct and appeal to the child to be obedient, truthful and honest; in like manner we should at reasonable periods instruct and encourage him to keep his thoughts and desires pure.
Social conditions of childhood changed.—The social conditions of childhood have changed much in the last fifty years. Just as our children have opportunities and possibilities far greater than had we when we were children; so they are exposed to temptations and dangers greater than were we, when we were children. The suggestive, and oft-times positively obscene pictures on post cards, in books and on billboards; the viciously immoral literature; the cheap moving picture shows of to-day, were not social problems threatening the purity of our childhood.
Knowledge of self important.—There were ethical, biological and vital truths that our parents, because of mock modesty and a false and inadequate education, failed to give us in our childhood. This was a serious defect in our early education. We met with temptations, were often overcome by them and we are notwhat we might have been had we been safeguarded by a better knowledge of ourselves. But, because of the better social conditions of our childhood, we were better able to grow up without this information and with less injury to ourselves, than our children can, without this information, under present social conditions. If we would safeguard the character of the children of to-day and the youths of to-morrow and the manhood and the womanhood of the succeeding day we must give our children a correct knowledge of themselves.
The confidence of childhood.—When children are born, they have a capacity for learning how to stand alone, crawl, walk, love and hate, speak and read, to judge of what is right and wrong. All they may come to know in the future, true or false, good or evil, they must learn. Coming into our homes without knowledge and utterly helpless, they naturally come to recognize their parents as their rightful teachers and to have absolute confidence in them. Ask a child from three to ten years old who he thinks is the best man in the world. The reply will be, “my papa.” Ask him who he thinks is the best woman in the world. The instinctive reply will be, “my mamma.” The answer may be true or false, but we do not question the sincerity of the child. The greatest calamity that can come to that child, comes when he is compelled by convincing evidence to reverse in his judgment this sincereand implicit faith in the goodness of his parents. No greater misfortune than this, can come to the parents. This natural and complete confidence and dependence of the child gives the parents a very decided advantage over all other teachers in the future training of the child.
Inquisitiveness of childhood.—It is because of this natural confidence that the child goes to the parents with his many questions. The almost ceaseless activity and playfulness of a child, are in response to nature’s call for exercise in the natural and healthful development of every organ of the body. The many questions of a child are in response to nature’s call for exercise in the development of every faculty of the mind. The unfolding, growing, developing mind of a child naturally asks questions. It is for this reason that a child is said to be an animated interrogation point. Some of the questions of a child may perplex a philosopher, tax the patience of a Job, or embarrass a brass monkey; but the naturalness and sincerity of the child demand honesty, frankness and wisdom on the part of parents.
How did I get into this world?—At the age of three, four and five the child will begin to ask questions as, “Where does the rain come from? Where does the snow come from? Where do the clouds come from?” When kittens, pups, pigs, a calf, a coltare born, the child very naturally asks about their origin. The child is told repeatedly that he is four, five or six years old; that he has had that number of birthdays and has seen that number of Christmases. He remembers only half of them. He listens with interest to his parents as they relate some thrilling event of years gone by. A bright inquiring child will naturally ask, “Mamma, was I in the world at that time?” The mamma replies, “No, darling, that happened six months before you were born.” How very natural it was for the child to ask, “Well, mamma, where was I at that time? How did I get into the world?” An angel could not be more sincere, or ask a purer question. This was no evidence of the child’s depravity. When I find a child of seven or eight years old who has not asked about his origin, I know that one of three conditions will explain this unusual mental state of the child. (1) The parents have not encouraged the child’s mental development by permitting him to be free in asking questions. (2) The child has heard the story of life told by vicious companions, in half truths, clothed in vulgar language and is keeping his information a secret from his parents. (3) The child is not developing quite as fast as I would like for my child to develop.
The unsatisfied mind.—When the inquiring mind of a child has once become interested in this question,it is not possible for him to be satisfied until a plausible answer has been received. The child’s future, physical, mental and moral life more largely depends upon the answer given to this question, than to any other question of his childhood.
The most vital part of a child’s education neglected.—In the past, parents, teachers, reformers and ministers have very largely held to the old theory, that, if children are to be kept pure and innocent, they must be kept ignorant of all information pertaining to sex. We have them learn the physiology, anatomy and hygiene of their brain, heart, lungs, digestive and nervous systems as if their very lives depended upon a correct knowledge of these parts; but we have allowed them to grow up in total ignorance concerning the sacred sanctuary and function of human reproduction, upon which so much of health, happiness and success in life depends.
Mistakes of the past.—In the past all faithful parents have loved their children as much as we have loved our children. They were as much interested in safeguarding the virtue of their children as are the parents of to-day. They endeavored to train their children in harmony with their ideals of right. Our parents, in their childhood, got the idea that all language and information concerning sex was essentially impure. All their information was received from vicious, ignorantsources. In matured life, they came to see that all the words and language they had heard pertaining to sex and all the mental and moral impressions they had received, had done them great harm. Their experience led them unwisely to conclude that all information of this kind is injurious to a child. They failed to see the difference between receiving only half-truths, expressed in vulgar words and phrases, taught by the vicious and ignorant; and in receiving the pure truth, in chaste language from the lips of a wise teacher, a noble father or a pure mother. A nugget of gold may be pure gold, whether found in a mud hole, a slop bucket, a tar bucket, or a clear stream of water. But, if you come in contact with the surroundings of the gold, your remaining clean, becoming cleaner, or becoming soiled, will depend on the place where you find the gold. The effects, good or bad, of sex knowledge, upon a child are largely determined by where and how he gets his information. If he gets this information from a careful and wise teacher no harm can come from it. If he gets the information from the misinformed and the impure, only harm will follow.
To teach sex truths, two qualifications necessary.—You would not think of having your child taught mathematics by one, who, himself, was never properly taught, or who knew only half-truths about mathematics.You might not demand of him a moral qualification, if he possessed the intellectual equipment. But, in the teaching of sex, a moral qualification is even more necessary than the intellectual. But few adults are prepared to tell the story of life to a child, and fewer still are prepared to give additional instruction as the child grows older. For one to do this work successfully two qualifications are absolutely necessary. (1) Parents and teachers must have a moral qualification. They must regard the organs of sex and their functions as pure and sacred. If they have the taint of lasciviousness in their thoughts of the creative function, it would be a dangerous experiment for them to attempt to teach their children about the origin of life, or to give other instruction to those more advanced in years. The misinformation and false education they received in childhood and the consequent mock modesty, are the greatest difficulties in the way of their performing this sacred duty to their children. For this reason the adult classes are as much in need of correct instruction in sex as are the children. (2) Parents and teachers must have a mental qualification. One-fifth of the names referring to the organs of sex, their functions and their abuse, that adults are forced to use when they try to express their thoughts about sex, could not be found in the dictionary, and, one-half of those that could be foundin the dictionary would not refer in their meaning, even remotely, to the sexual system. They picked up these words in childhood from ignorant schoolmates and companions whose minds were tainted with debasing thoughts of sex. The use of these vulgar words, in the presence of a boy who has heard them before, suggests to his mind that which is lascivious. Those who would teach these things, to the young or old, should be able to command a chaste, clean, plain, language.
How a father failed.—During one of my courses of lectures, a cultured lawyer invited me to his office for an interview. He reproduced, in language and gesture as best he could, a speech he had made to his twelve-year old boy warning him of the dangers of the secret sin. I saw the lawyer was deeply interested in his boy. He loved him and was deeply concerned about his future. The language he used was the same he had learned when a boy and the same his boy had evidently heard on the playground. I question whether the father’s advice did his son much good. Here was a case where good service was neutralized by suggestive language.
How a teacher failed.—A few months ago I lectured in a city where immorality was appalling. The superintendent of schools called into the chapel about six hundred boys, from ten to eighteen, and attemptedto lecture them on social purity. He soon became embarrassed, used some street terms, excited lascivious thoughts, looks, smiles and laughter among the boys and utterly failed in his efforts. If this lawyer and teacher failed with the advantages and solicitude they must have had, would not the great mass of parents, teachers and ministers fail for the same reasons.
Parents not wholly responsible.—A few editors, doctors and reformers have censured parents severely for not teaching their children the truth on these subjects. They should remember that ten years ago a very few parents had read a sane book or listened to an intelligent lecture on these subjects. Their only information had been gained from the playground and street on the sly. Courses of lectures, adapted to age and sex, should be given in every community. Ministers, teachers, physicians, merchants, parents, young and old, educated and uneducated, all should hear them. A few standard books on sex-hygiene and social purity should be put in every home. Jesus said, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” More people are in physical, mental and moral slavery because of ignorance concerning the laws of sex, than all other causes combined. It follows that those who have learned the truth should impart it to those who have it not.
How children have been treated in the past.—Wehave seen how parents have been led in the past to conclude that all information as to the origin of life is injurious to a child. For a child to inquire, “Where was I before I was born? How did I get into this world?” was a sure sign of his depravity. As a result of these traditionary ideas some parents have slapped a child for asking about his origin. Still, others have scolded and ordered the child from the room, commanding him never to ask such ugly questions again. What must be the feelings of a child treated in such an unappreciative and heartless way! Such treatment has never satisfied the inquiring mind of any child. Under such treatment a child will go off alone, pained and puzzled to know what was wrong in that simple, natural, honest question. In most cases the child’s question has been evaded by some one of a hundred falsehoods about “swamps,” “sinkholes,” “hollow logs and stumps,” “bird nests,” “storks,” “old women,” “doctor’s satchel,” and “under a cabbage head.” When only a small boy, I was called from my bed early one spring morning to see a beautiful colt the mare had found. For awhile I looked at the colt with admiration and wonder. Then I very naturally inquired, “Where did the mare find her colt?” I was told that she found it in a nearby brush pile. For the next six months no brush pile escaped my eager eyes.