Juvenile Jests
Teacher—Who can make a sentence with gruesome in it?
Ikey—The man stopped shaving and grew some whiskers.
Visitor—How’s your brother, Tommy?
Tommy—He’s in bed; he hurt himself.
Visitor—How did he do it?
Tommy—We were playing who could lean furthest out of a window, and he won.
A lad sat on the floor playing. Suddenly he set up a howl.
Henry, what is the matter? asked the mother.
The cat scratched me.
Why, the cat is not here. When did she scratch you?
Yesterday.
Well, why are you crying now?
’Cause I forgot it then.
This bit of brightness is said to have cropped out in a conversation between two misses not old enough to go to school.
What makes a horse act naughty when he sees an auto?
It is this way—Horses is used to seein’ other horses pull wagons, and they don’t know what to think of ’em goin’ along without a horse. Guess if you saw a pair of pants walkin’ down the street without a man in ’em you’d be scared, too.
Little Elsie—Brother Johnny can’t come to school; he has diphtheria.
Teacher—Indeed! Where did he get it?
Little Elsie—In the neck.
The passionate rhythms of “The Merry Widow” waltz floated through the office, and the boss looked up from his desk impatiently.
Frederic, he said, I wish you wouldn’t whistle at your work.
I ain’t workin’, sir, the office boy replied calmly. I’m only just whistlin’.
After a teacher had recited “The Landing of the Pilgrims,” she requested each pupil to try to draw from his or her imagination, a picture of Plymouth Rock.
Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated, and at length raised his hand.
Well, Willie, what is it? asked the teacher.
Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?
Here is Jimmie’s essay on pants: Pants are made for men and not for women. Women are made for men and not for pants. When a man pants for a woman and a woman pants for a man they are a pair of pants. Such pants don’t last. Pants are like molasses—they are thinner in hot weather and thicker in cold. Men are often mistaken in pants; such mistakes are breaches of promise. There has been much discussion whether pants is singular or plural. Seems to me when men wear pants it is plural, and when they don’t wear pants it is singular. Men go on a tear in their pants and it is all right, but when the pants go on a tear it is all wrong. If you want to make pants last, make the coat first.
Pop, I got in trouble at school today and it’s all your fault.
How’s that my son?
Well, you remember when I asked you how much a million dollars was?
Yes, I remember.
Well, teacher asked me today, and “helluva lot” isn’t the right answer.
The pupils of a certain school were asked to write original compositions on “kings.” The prize was carried off by the youth who handed in the following:
The most powerful king on earth, is Wor-king; the laziest, Shir-king; one of the worst kings, Smo-king; the wittiest, Jo-king; the quietest, Thin-king; the thirstiest, Drin-king; the slyest, Win-king; the noisiest, Tal-king.
At a public school the children were training for the annual flag day celebration. One boy, in order to show good reason why he should take a prominent part in the ceremonies, said that he had a real gun; another had a pistol; a small girl had a flag, and so on.
Finally, one tow-haired lad of six came up to the teacher, and stood waiting for her to see him.
Well, what is it? she asked.
I has a union suit, he said.
Now in order to subtract, explained a teacher to the class in mathematics, things always have to be of the same denomination. For instance, we couldn’t take three apples from four years, nor six horses from nine dogs.
A hand went up in the back of the room.
Well, Johnny? smiled the unsuspecting teacher.
Please, ma’am! shouted the boy, can’t you take four quarts of milk from three cows?
Little Elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together, and the mother, who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter, said—
These little sardines, Elizabeth, are sometimes eaten by the larger fish.
Elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder, and then asked—
But, mother, how do the large fish get the cans open?
A teacher had been telling her class of boys recently that worms had become so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it was necessary to import the sparrow to exterminate them. The sparrows multiplied very fast and were gradually driving away our native birds.
Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking to catch him napping, said—
Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?
Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied: Please, I never had the sparrows.
George, George, mind; your hat will be blown off if you lean so far out of the window! exclaimed a fond father to his little son, who was traveling with him in a railway carriage. Quickly snatching the hat from the head of the refractory youngster, papa hid it behind his back.
There, now, the hat has gone! he cried, pretending to be angry. And George immediately set up a howl. After a time the father remarked—
Come, be quiet; if I whistle your hat will come back again.
Then he whistled and replaced the hat on the boy’s head. There, it’s back again, you see. Afterward, while papa was talking to mamma, a small, shrill voice was heard saying—
Papa, papa, I’ve thrown my hat out of the window! Whistle again, will you?