ONE afternoon when Mrs. Reffold came to say good-bye to her husband before going out for the usual sledge-drive, he surprised her by his unwonted manner.
"Take your cloak off," he said sharply. "You cannot go for your drive this afternoon. You don't often give up your time to me; you must do so to-day."
She was so astonished, that she at once laid aside her cloak and hat, and touched the bell.
"Why are you ringing?" Mr. Reffold asked testily.
"To send a message of excuse," she answered, with provoking cheerfulness.
She scribbled something on a card, and gave it to the servant who answered the bell.
"Now," she said, with great sweetness of manner. And she sat down beside him, drew out her fancy-work, and worked away contentedly. She would have made a charming study of a devoted wife soothing a much-loved husband in his hours of sickness and weariness.
"Do you mind giving up your drive?" he asked.
"Not in the least," she replied. "I am rather tired of sledging."
"You soon get tired of things, Winifred," he said.
"Yes, I do," was the answer. "I am so easily bored. I am quite tired of this place."
"You will have to stay here a little longer," he said, "and then you will be free to go where you choose. I wish I could die quicker for you, Winifred."
Mrs. Reffold looked up from her embroidery.
"You will get better soon," she said. "You are better."
"Yes, you've helped a good deal to make me better," he said bitterly. "You have been a most unselfish person haven't you? You have given me every care and attention, haven't you?"
"You seem to me in a very strange mood to-day," she said, looking puzzled. "I don't understand you."
Mr. Reffold laughed.
"Poor Winifred," he said. "If it is ever your lot to fall ill and be neglected, perhaps then you will think of me."
"Neglected?" she said, in some surprise. "What do you mean? I thought you had everything you wanted. The nurse brought excellent testimonials. I was careful in the choice of her. You have never complained before."
He turned wearily on his side, and made no answer. And for some time there was silence between them.
Then he watched her as she bent over her embroidery.
"You are very beautiful, Winifred," he said quietly, "but you are a selfish woman. Has it ever struck you that you are selfish?"
Mrs. Reffold gave no reply, but she made a resolution to write to her particular friend at Cannes and confide to her how very trying her husband had become.
"I suppose it is part of his illness," she thought meekly. "But it is hard to have to bear it."
And Mrs. Reffold pitied herself profoundly. She stitched sincere pity for herself into that piece of embroidery.
"I remember you telling me," continued Mr. Reffold, "that sick people repelled you. That was when I was strong and vigorous. But since I have been ill, I have often recalled your words. Poor Winifred! You did not think then that you would have an invalid husband on your hands. Well, you were not intended for sick-room nursing, and you have not tried to be what you were not intended for. Perhaps you were right, after all."
"I don't know why you should be so unkind to-day," Mrs. Reffold said, with pathetic patience. "I can't understand you. You have never spoken like this before."
"No," he said; "but I have thought like this before. All the hours you have left me lonely, I have been thinking like this, with my heart full of bitterness against you, until that little girl, that Little Brick came along."
After that, it was some time before he spoke. He was thinking of his Little Brick, and of all the pleasant hours he had spent with her, and of the kind, wise words she had spoken to him, an ignorant fellow. She was something like a companion.
So he went on thinking, and Mrs. Reffold went on embroidering. She was now feeling herself to be almost a heroine. It is a very easy matter to make oneself into a heroine or a martyr. Selfish, neglectful? What did he mean? Oh, it was just part of his illness. She must go on bearing her burden as she had borne it these many months. Her rightful position was in a London ball-room. Instead of which, she had to be shut up in an Alpine village: a hard lot. It was little enough pleasure she could get, and apparently her husband grudged her that. His manner to her this afternoon was not such as to encourage her to stay in from her drive on another occasion. To-morrow she would go sledging.
That flash of light which reveals ourselves to ourselves had not yet come to Mrs. Reffold.
She looked at her husband, and thought from his restfulness that he had gone to sleep, and she was just beginning to write to that particular friend at Cannes, to tell her what a trial she was undergoing, when Mr. Reffold called her to his side.
"Winifred," he said gently, and there was tenderness in his voice, and love written on his face, "Winifred, I am sorry if I have been sharp to you. Little Brick says we mustn't come down like sledge-hammers on each other; and that is what I have been doing this afternoon. Perhaps I have been hard: I am such an illness to myself, that I must be an illness to others too. And you weren't meant for this sort of thing—were you? You are a bright beautiful creature, and I am an unfortunate dog not to have been able to make you happier. I know I am irritable. I can't help myself, indeed I can't."
This great long fellow was so yearning for love and sympathy.
What would it not have been to him if she had gathered him into her arms, and soothed all his irritability and suffering with her love?
But she pressed his hand, and kissed him lightly on the cheek, and told him that he had been a little sharp, but that she quite understood, and that she was not hurt. Her charm of manner gave him some satisfaction; and when Bernardine came in a few minutes later, she found Mr. Reffold looking happier and more contented than she had ever seen him. Mrs. Reffold, who was relieved at the interruption, received Bernardine warmly, though there was a certain amount of shyness which she had never been able to conquer in Bernardine's presence. There was something in the younger woman which quelled Mrs. Reffold: it may have been some mental quality, or it may have been her boots!
"Little Brick," said Mr. Reffold, "isn't it nice to have Winifred here?And I have been so disagreeable and snappish."
"Oh, we won't say anything about that now," said Mrs. Reffold, smiling sweetly.
"But I've said I am sorry," he continued. "And one can't do more."
"No," said Bernardine, who was amused at the notion of Mr. Reffold apologizing to Mrs. Reffold, and of Mrs. Reffold posing as the gracious forgiver, "one can't do more." But she could not control her feelings, and she laughed.
"You seem rather merry this afternoon," Mr. Reffold said, in a reproachful tone of voice.
"Yes," she said. And she laughed again. Mrs. Reffold's forgiving graciousness had altogether upset her gravity.
"You might at least tell us the joke," Mrs. Reffold said. Bernardine looked at her hopelessly, and laughed again.
"I have been developing photographs all the afternoon," she said, "and I suppose the closeness of the air and the badness of my negatives have been too much for me. Anyway, I know I must seem very rude."
She recovered herself after that, and tried hard not to think of Mrs. Reffold as the dispenser of forgiveness, although it was some time before she could look at her hostess without wishing to laugh. The corners of her mouth twitched, and her brown eyes twinkled mischievously, and she spoke very rapidly, making fun of her first attempts at photography, and criticising herself so comically, that both Mr. and Mrs. Reffold were much amused.
All the same, Bernardine was relieved when Mrs. Reffold went to fetch some silks, and left her with Mr. Reffold.
"I am very happy this afternoon, Little Brick," he said to her. "My wife has been sitting with me. But instead of enjoying the pleasure as I ought to have done, I began to find fault with her. I don't know how long I should not have gone on grumbling, but that I suddenly recollected what you taught me: that we were not to come down like sledge-hammers on each other's failings. When I remembered that, it was quite easy to forgive all the neglect and thoughtlessness. Since you have talked to me, Little Brick, everything has become easier to me!"
"It is something in your own mind which has worked this," she said; "your own kind, generous mind, and you put it down to my words!"
But he shook his head.
"If I knew of any poor unfortunate devil that wanted to be eased and comforted," he said, "I should tell him about you, Little Brick. You have been very good to me. You may be clever, but you have never worried my stupid brain with too much scholarship. I'm just an ignorant chap, and you've never let me feel it."
He took her hand and raised it reverently to his lips.
"I say," he continued, "tell my wife it made me happy to have her with me this afternoon; then perhaps she will stay in another time. I should like her to know. And she was sweet in her manner, wasn't she? And, by Jove, she is beautiful! I am glad you have seen her here to-day. It must be dull for her with an invalid like me. And I know I am irritable. Go and tell her that she made me happy—will you?"
The little bit of happiness at which the poor fellow snatched, seemed to make him more pathetic than before. Bernardine promised to tell his wife, and went off to find her, making as an excuse a book which Mrs. Reffold had offered to lend her. Mrs. Reffold was in her bedroom. She asked. Bernardine to sit down whilst she searched for the book. She had a very gracious manner when she chose.
"You are looking much better, Miss Holme," she said kindly. "I cannot help noticing your face. It looks younger and brighter. The bracing air has done you good."
"Yes, I am better," Bernardine said, rather astonished that Mrs. Reffold should have noticed her at all. "Mr. Allitsen informs me that I shall live, but never be strong. He settles every question of that sort to his own satisfaction, but not always to the satisfaction of other people!"
"He is a curious person," Mrs. Reffold said smiling; "though I must say he is not quite as gruff as he used to be. You seem to be good friends with him."
She would have liked to say more on this subject, but experience had taught her that Bernardine was not to be trifled with.
"I don't know about being good friends," Bernardine said, "but I have a great sympathy for him. I know myself what it is to be cut off from work and active life. I have been through a misery. But mine is nothing to his."
She rose to go, but Mrs. Reffold detained her.
"Don't go yet," she said. "It is pleasant to have you."
She was leaning back in an arm-chair playing with the fringe of an antimacassar.
"Oh, how tired I am of this horrid place!" she said suddenly. "And I have had a most wearying afternoon. Mr. Reffold seems to be more irritable every day. It is very hard that I should have to bear it."
Bernardine listened to her in astonishment.
"Yes," she added, "I am quite worn out. He never used to be so irritable. It is all very tiresome. It is quite telling on my health."
She looked the picture of health.
Bernardine gasped; and Mrs. Reffold continued:
"His grumbling this afternoon has been incessant; so much so that he himself was ashamed, and asked me to forgive him. You heard him, didn't you?"
"Yes, I heard him," Bernardine said.
"And of course I forgave him at once," Mrs. Reffold said piously."Naturally one would do that, but the vexation remains all the same."
"Can these things be?" thought Bernardine to herself.
"He spoke in a most ridiculous way," she went on: "it certainly is not encouraging for me to spend another afternoon with him. I shall go sledging to-morrow."
"You generally do go sledging, don't you?" Bernardine asked mildly.
Mrs. Reffold looked at her suspiciously. She was never quite sure thatBernardine was not making fun of her.
"It is little enough pleasure I do have," she added, as though in self- defence. "And he seems to grudge me that too."
"I don't think he would grudge you anything," Bernardine said, with some warmth. "He loves you too much for that. You don't know how much pleasure you give him when you spare him a little of your time. He told me how happy you made him this afternoon. You could see for yourself that he was happy. Mrs. Reffold, make him happy whilst you still have him. Don't you understand that he is passing away from you—don't you understand, or is it that you won't? We all see it, all except you!"
She stopped suddenly, surprised at her boldness.
Mrs. Reffold was still leaning back in the arm-chair, her hands clasped together above her beautiful head. Her face was pale. She did not speak. Bernardine waited. The silence was unbroken save by the merry cries of some children tobogganing in the Kurhaus garden. The stillness grew oppressive, and Bernardine rose. She knew from the effort which those few words had cost her, how far removed she was from her old former self.
"Good-bye, Mrs. Reffold," she said nervously.
"Good-bye, Miss Holme," was the only answer.
THE Doctors in Petershof always said that the caretakers of the invalids were a much greater anxiety than the invalids themselves. The invalids would either get better or die: one of two things probably. At any rate, you knew where you were with them. But not so with the caretakers: there was nothing they were not capable of doing—except taking reasonable care of their invalids! They either fussed about too much, or else they did not fuss about at all. They all began by doing the right thing: they all ended by doing the wrong. The fussy ones had fits of apathy, when the poor irritable patients seemed to get a little better; the negligent ones had paroxysms of attentiveness, when their invalids, accustomed to loneliness and neglect, seemed to become rather worse by being worried.
To remonstrate with the caretakers would have been folly: for they were well satisfied with their own methods.
To contrive their departure would have been an impossibility: for they were firmly convinced that their presence was necessary to the welfare of their charges. And then, too, judging from the way in which they managed to amuse themselves, they liked being in Petershof, though they never owned that to the invalids. On the contrary, it was the custom for the caretakers to depreciate the place, and to deplore the necessity which obliged them to continue there month after month. They were fond, too, of talking about the sacrifices which they made, and the pleasures which they willingly gave up in order to stay with their invalids. They said this in the presence of their invalids. And if the latter had told them by all means to pack up and go back to the pleasures which they had renounced, they would have been astonished at the ingratitude which could suggest the idea.
They were amusing characters, these caretakers. They were so thoroughly unconscious of their own deficiencies. They might neglect their own invalids, but they would look after other people's invalids, and play the nurse most soothingly and prettily where there was no call and no occasion. Then they would come and relate to their neglected dear ones what they had been doing for others: and the dear ones would smile quietly, and watch the buttons being stitched on for strangers, and the cornflour which they could not get nicely made for themselves, being carefully prepared for other people's neglected dear ones.
Some of the dear ones were rather bitter. But there were many of a higher order of intelligence, who seemed to realize that they had no right to be ill, and that being ill, and therefore a burden on their friends, they must make the best of everything, and be grateful for what was given them, and patient when anything was withheld. Others of a still higher order of understanding, attributed the eccentricities of the caretakers to one cause alone: the Petershof air. They know it had the invariable effect of getting into the head, and upsetting the balance of those who drank deep of it. Therefore no one was to blame, and no one need be bitter. But these were the philosophers of the colony: a select and dainty few in any colony. But there were several rebels amongst the invalids, and they found consolation in confiding to each other their separate grievances. They generally held their conferences in the rooms known as the newspaper-rooms, where they were not likely to be interrupted by any caretakers who might have stayed at home because they were tired out.
To-day there were only a few rebels gathered together, but they were more than usually excited, because the Doctors had told several of them that their respective caretakers must be sent home.
"What must I do?" said little Mdlle. Gerardy, wringing her hands. "The Doctor says that I must tell my sister to go home: that she only worries me, and makes me worse. He calls her a 'whirlwind.' If I won't tell her, then he will tell her, and we shall have some more scenes. Mon Dieu! and I am so tired of them. They terrify me. I would suffer anything rather than have a fresh scene. And I can't get her to do anything for me. She has no time for me. And, yet she thinks she takes the greatest possible care of me, and devotes the whole day to me. Why, sometimes I never see her for hours together."
"Well, at least she does not quarrel with every one, as my mother does," said a Polish gentleman, M. Lichinsky. "Nearly every day she has a quarrel with some one or other; and then she comes to me and says she has been insulted. And others come to me mad with rage, and complain that they have been insulted by her. As though I were to blame! I tell them that now. I tell them that my mother's quarrels are not my quarrels. But one longs for peace. And the Doctor says I must have it, and that my mother must go home at once. If I tell her that, she will have a tremendous quarrel with the Doctor. As it is, he will scarcely speak to her. So you see, Mademoiselle Gerardy, that I, too, am in a bad plight. What am I to do?"
Then a young American spoke. He had been getting gradually worse since he came to Petershof, but his brother, a bright sturdy young fellow, seemed quite unconscious of the seriousness of his condition.
"And what am I to do?" he asked pathetically. "My brother does not even think I am ill. He says I am to rouse myself and come skating and tobogganing with him. Then I tell him that the Doctor says I must lie quietly in the sun. I have no one to take care of me, so I try to take a little care of myself, and then I am laughed at. It is bad enough to be ill; but it is worse when those who might help you a little, won't even believe in your illness. I wrote home once and told them; but they go by what he says; and they, too, tell me to rouse myself."
His cheeks were sunken, his eyes were leaden. There was no power in his voice, no vigour in his frame. He was just slipping quickly down the hill for want of proper care and understanding.
"I don't know whether I am much better off than you," said an English lady, Mrs. Bridgetower. "I certainly have a trained nurse to look after me, but she is altogether too much for me, and she does just as she pleases. She is always ailing, or else pretends to be; and she is always depressed. She grumbles from eight in the morning till nine at night. I have heard that she is cheerful with other people, but she never gives me the benefit of her brightness. Poor thing! She does feel the cold very much, but it is not very cheering to see her crouching near the stove, with her arms almost clasping it! When she is not talking of her own looks, all she says is: 'Oh, if I had only not come to Petershof!' or, 'Why did I ever leave that hospital in Manchester?' or, 'The cold is eating into the very marrow of my bones.' At first she used to read to me; but it was such a dismal performance that I could not bear to hear her. Why don't I send her home? Well, my husband will not hear of me being alone, and he thinks I might do worse than keep Nurse Frances. And perhaps I might."
"I would give a good deal to have a sister like pretty Fräulein Müller has," said little Fräulein Oberhof. "She came to look after me the other day when I was alone. She has the kindest way about her. But when my sister came in, she was not pleased to find Fräulein Sophie Müller with me. She does not do anything for me herself, and she does not like any one else to do anything either. Still, she is very good to other people. She comes up from the theatre sometimes at half-past nine—that is the hour when I am just sleepy—and she stamps about the room, and makes cornflour for the old Polish lady. Then off she goes, taking with her the cornflour together with my sleep. Once I complained, but she said I was irritable. You can't think how teasing it is to hear the noise of the spoon stirring the cornflour just when you are feeling drowsy. You say to yourself, 'Will that cornflour never be made? It seems to take centuries.'"
"One could be more patient if it were being made for oneself," said M. Lichinsky. "But at least, Fräulein, your sister does not quarrel with every one. You must be grateful for that mercy!"
Even as he spoke, a stout lady thrust herself into the reading-room. She looked very hot and excited. She was M. Lichinsky's mother. She spoke with a whirlwind of Polish words. It is sometimes difficult to know when these people are angry and when they are pleased. But there was no mistake about Mme. Lichinsky. She was always angry. Her son rose from the sofa and followed her to the door. Then he turned round to his confederates, and shrugged his shoulders.
"Another quarrel!" he said hopelessly.
"YOU may have talent for other things," Robert Allitsen said one day to Bernardine, "but you certainly have no talent for photography. You have not made the slightest progress."
"I don't at all agree with you," Bernardine answered rather peevishly."I think I am getting on very well."
"You are no judge," he said. "To begin with, you cannot focus properly.You have a crooked eye. I have told you that several times!"
"You certainly have," she put in. "You don't let me forget that."
"Your photograph of that horrid little danseuse whom you like so much," he said, "is simply abominable. She looks like a fury. Well, she may be one for all I know, but in real life she has not the appearance of one."
"I think that is the best photograph I have done," Bernardine said, highly indignant. She could tolerate his uppishness about subjects of which she knew far more than he did; but his masterfulness about a subject of which she really knew nothing was more than she could bear with patience. He had not the tact to see that she was irritated.
"I don't know about it being the best," he said; "unless it is the best specimen of your inexperience. Looked at from that point of view, it does stand first!"
She flushed crimson with temper.
"Nothing is easier than to make fun of others," she said fiercely. "It is the resource of the ignorant."
Then, after the fashion of angry women, having said her say, she stalked away. If there had been a door to bang, she would certainly have banged it. However, she did what she could under the circumstances: she pushed a curtain roughly aside, and passed into the concert-room, where every night of the season's six months, a scratchy string orchestra entertained the Kurhaus guests. She left the Disagreeable Man standing in the passage.
"Dear me," he said thoughtfully. And he stroked his chin. Then he trudged slowly up to his room.
"Dear me," he said once more.
Arrived in his bedroom, he began to read. But after a few minutes he shut his book, took the lamp to the looking-glass and brushed his hair. Then he put on a black coat and a white silk tie. There was a speck of dust on the coat. He carefully removed that, and then extinguished the lamp.
On his way downstairs he met Marie, who gazed at him in astonishment. It was quite unusual for him to be seen again when he had once come up fromtable-d'hôte. She noticed the black coat and the white silk tie too, and reported on these eccentricities to her colleague Anna.
The Disagreeable Man meanwhile had reached the Concert Hall. He glanced around, and saw where Bernardine was sitting, and then chose a place in the opposite direction, quite by himself. He looked somewhat like a dog who has been well beaten. Now and again he looked up to see whether she still kept her seat. The bad music was a great irritation to him. But he stayed on heroically. There was no reason why he should stay. Gradually, too, the audience began to thin. Still he lingered, always looking like a dog in punishment.
At last Bernardine rose, and the Disagreeable Man rose too. He followed her humbly to the door. She turned and saw him.
"I am sorry I put you in a bad temper," he said. "It was stupid of me."
"I am sorry I got into a bad temper," she answered, laughing. "It was stupid of me."
"I think I have said enough to apologize," he said. "It is a process I dislike very much."
And with that he wished her good-night and went to his room.
But that was not the end of the matter, for the next day when he was taking his breakfast with her, he of his own accord returned to the subject.
"It was partly your own fault that I vexed you last night," he said. "You have never before been touchy, and so I have become accustomed to saying what I choose. And it is not in my nature to be flattering."
"That is a very truthful statement of yours," she said, as she poured out her coffee. "But I own I was touchy. And so I shall be again if you make such cutting remarks about my photographs!"
"You have a crooked eye," he said grimly. "Look there, for instance! You have poured your coffee outside the cup. Of course you can do as you like, but the usual custom is to pour it inside the cup."
They both laughed, and the good understanding between them was cemented again.
"You are certainly getting better," he said suddenly. "I should not be surprised if you were able to write a book after all. Not that a new book is wanted. There are too many books as it is; and not enough people to dust them. Still, it is not probable that you would be considerate enough to remember that. You will write your book."
Bernardine shook her head.
"I don't seem to care now," she said. "I think I could now be content with a quieter and more useful part."
"You will write your book," he continued. "Now listen to me. Whatever else you may do, don't make your characters hold long discussions with each other. In real life, people do not talk four pages at a time without stopping. Also, if you bring together two clever men, don't make them talk cleverly. Clever people do not. It is only the stupid who think they must talk cleverly all the time. And don't detain your reader too long: if you must have a sunset, let it be a short one. I could give you many more hints which would be useful to you."
"But why not use your own hints for yourself?" she suggested.
"That would be selfish of me," he said solemnly. "I wish you to profit by them."
"You are learning to be unselfish at a very rapid rate," Bernardine said.
At that moment Mrs. Reffold came into the breakfast-room, and, seeingBernardine, gave her a stiff bow.
"I thought you and Mrs. Reffold were such friends," Robert Allitsen said.
Bernardine then told him of her last interview with Mrs. Reffold.
"Well, if you feel uncomfortable, it is as it should be," he said. "I don't see what business you had to point out to Mrs. Reffold her duty. I dare say she knows it quite well though she may not choose to do it. I am sure I should resent it, if any one pointed out my duty to me. Every one knows his own duty. And it is his own affair whether or not he does it."
"I wonder if you are right," Bernardine said. "I never meant to presume; but her indifference had exasperated me."
"Why should you be exasperated about other people's affairs?" he said."And why interfere at all?"
"Being interested is not the same as being interfering," she replied quickly.
"It is difficult to be the one without being the other," he said. "It requires a genius. There is a genius for being sympathetic as well as a genius for being good. And geniuses are few."
"But I knew one," Bernardine said. "There was a friend to whom in the first days of my trouble I turned for sympathy. When others only irritated, she could soothe. She had only to come into my room, and all was well with me."
There were tears in Bernardine's eyes as she spoke.
"Well," said the Disagreeable Man kindly, "and where is your genius now?"
"She went away, she and hers," Bernardine said "And that was the end of that chapter!"
"Poor little child," he said, half to himself. "Don't I too know something about the ending of such a chapter?"
But Bernardine did not hear him; she was thinking of her friend. She was thinking, as we all think, that those to whom in our suffering we turn for sympathy, become hallowed beings. Saints they may not be; but for want of a better name, saints they are to us, gracious and lovely presences. The great time Eternity, the great space Death, could not rob them of their saintship; for they were canonized by our bitterest tears.
She was roused from her reverie by the Disagreeable Man, who got up, and pushed his chair noisily under the table.
"Will you come and help me to develop some photographs?" he asked cheerily. "You do not need to have a straight eye for that!"
Then as they went along together, he said:
"When we come to think about it seriously, it is rather absurd for us to expect to have uninterrupted stretches of happiness. Happiness falls to our share in separate detached bits; and those of us who are wise, content ourselves with these broken fragments."
"But who is wise?" Bernardine asked. "Why, we all expect to be happy. No one told us that we were to be happy. Still, though no one told us, it is the true instinct of human nature."
"It would be interesting to know at what particular period of evolution into our present glorious types we felt that instinct for the first time," he said. "The sunshine must have had something to do with it. You see how a dog throws itself down in the sunshine; the most wretched cur heaves a sigh of content then; the sulkiest cat begins to purr."
They were standing outside the room set apart for the photograph-maniacs of the Kurhaus.
"I cannot go into that horrid little hole," Bernardine said. "And besides, I have promised to play chess with the Swedish professor. And after that I am going to photograph Marie. I promised Wärli I would."
The Disagreeable Man smiled grimly.
"I hope he will be able to recognize her!" he said. Then, feeling that he was on dangerous ground, he added quickly:
"If you want any more plates, I can oblige you."
On her way to her room she stopped to talk to pretty Fräulein Müller, who was in high spirits, having had an excellent report from the Doctor. Fräulein Müller always insisted on talking English with Bernardine; and as her knowledge of it was limited, a certain amount of imagination was necessary to enable her to be understood.
"Ah, Miss Holme," she said, "I have deceived an exquisite report from the Doctor."
"You are looking ever so well," Bernardine said. "And the love-making with the Spanish gentleman goes on well, too?"
"Ach!" was the merry answer. "That is your inventory! I am quite indolent to him!"
At that moment the Spanish gentleman came out of the Kurhaus flower- shop, with a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
"Mademoiselle," he said, handing them to Fräulein Müller, and at the same time putting his hand to his heart. He had not noticed Bernardine at first, and when he saw her, he became somewhat confused. She smiled at them both, and escaped into the flower-shop, which was situated in one of the covered passages connecting the mother-building with the dependencies. Herr Schmidt, the gardener, was making a wreath. His favourite companion, a saffron cat, was playing with the wire. Schmidt was rather an ill-tempered man, but he liked Bernardine.
"I have put these violets aside for you, Fräulein," he said, in his sulky way. "I meant to have sent them to your room, but have been interrupted in my work."
"You spoil me with your gifts," she said.
"You spoil my cat with the milk," he replied, looking up from his work.
"That is a beautiful wreath you are making, Herr Schmidt," she said."Who has died? Any one in the Kurhaus?"
"No, Fräulein. But I ought to keep my door locked when I make these wreaths. People get frightened, and think they, too, are going to die. Shall you be frightened, I wonder?"
"No, I believe not," she answered as she took possession of her violets, and stroked the saffron cat. "But I am glad no one has died here."
"It is for a young, beautiful lady," he said. "She was in the Kurhaus two years ago. I liked her. So I am taking extra pains. She did not care for the flowers to be wired. So I am trying my best without the wire. But it is difficult."
She left him to his work, and went away, thinking. All the time she had now been in Petershof had not sufficed to make her indifferent to the sadness of her surroundings. In vain the Disagreeable Man's preachings, in vain her own reasonings with herself.
These people here who suffered, and faded, and passed away, who were they to her?
Why should the faintest shadow steal across her soul on account of them?
There was no reason. And still she felt for them all, she who in the old days would have thought it waste of time to spare a moment's reflection on anything so unimportant as the sufferings of anindividualhuman being.
And the bridge between her former and her present self was her own illness.
What dull-minded sheep we must all be, how lacking in the very elements of imagination, since we are only able to learn by personal experience of grief and suffering, something about the suffering and grief of others!
Yea, how the dogs must wonder at us: those dogs who know when we are in pain or trouble, and nestle nearer to us.
So Bernardine reached her own door. She heard her name called, and, turning round, saw Mrs. Reffold. There was a scared look on the beautiful face.
"Miss Holme," she said, "I have been sent for—I daren't go to him alone—I want you—he is worse. I am" . . . .
Bernardine took her hand, and the two women hurried away in silence.
BERNARDINE had seen Mr. Reffold the previous day. She had sat by his side and held his hand. He had smiled at her many times, but he only spoke once.
"Little Brick," he whispered—for his voice had become nothing but a whisper. "I remember all you told me. God bless you. But what a long time it does take to die."
But that was yesterday.
The lane had come to an ending at last, and Mr. Reffold lay dead.
They bore him to the little mortuary chapel. And Bernardine stayed with Mrs. Reffold, who seemed afraid to be alone. She clung to Bernardine's hand.
"No, no," she said excitedly, "you must not go! I can't bear to be alone: you must stay with me!"
She expressed no sorrow, no regret. She did not even speak his name.She just sat nursing her beautiful face.
Once or twice Bernardine tried to slip away. This waiting about was a strain on her, and she felt that she was doing no good.
But each time Mrs. Reffold looked up and prevented her.
"No, no," she said. "I can't bear myself without you. I must have you near me. Why should you leave me?"
So Bernardine lingered. She tried to read a book which lay on the table. She counted the lines and dots on the wall-paper. She thought about the dead man; and about the living woman. She had pitied him; but when she looked at the stricken face of his wife, Bernardine's whole heart rose up in pity for her. Remorse would come, although it might not remain long. The soul would see itself face to face for one brief moment; and then forget its own likeness.
But for the moment—what a weight of suffering, what a whole century of agony!
Bernardine grew very tender for Mrs. Reffold: she bent over the sofa, and fondled the beautiful face.
"Mrs. Reffold" . . . she whispered.
That was all she said: but it was enough.
Mrs. Reffold burst into an agony of tears.
"Oh, Miss Holme," she sobbed, "and I was not even kind to him! And now it is too late. How can I ever bear myself?"
And then it was that the soul knew its own remorse.
SHE had left him alone and neglected for whole hours when he was alive. And now when he was dead, and it probably mattered little to him where he was laid, it was some time before she could make up her mind to leave him in the lonely little Petershof cemetery.
"It will be so dreary for him there," she said to the Doctor.
"Not so dreary as you made it for him here," thought the Doctor.
But he did not say that: he just urged her quietly to have her husband buried in Petershof; and she yielded.
So they laid him to rest in the dreary cemetery.
Bernardine went to the funeral, much against the Disagreeable Man's wish.
"You are looking like a ghost yourself," he said to her. "Come out with me into the country instead."
But she shook her head.
"Another day," she said. "And Mrs. Reffold wants me. I can't leave her alone, for she is so miserable."
The Disagreeable Man shrugged his shoulders, and went off by himself.
Mrs. Reffold clung very much to Bernardine those last days before she left Petershof. She had decided to go to Wiesbaden, where she had relations; and she invited Bernardine to go with her: it was more than that, she almost begged her. Bernardine refused.
"I have been from England nearly five months," she said, "and my money is coming to an end. I must go back and work."
"Then come away with me as my companion," Mrs. Reffold suggested. "AndI will pay you a handsome salary."
Bernardine could not be persuaded.
"No," she said. "I could not earn money that way: it would not suit me. And besides, you would not care to be a long time with me: you would soon tire of me. You think you would like to have me with you now. But I know how it would be: You would be sorry, and so should I. So let us part as we are now: you going your way, and I going mine. We live in different worlds, Mrs. Reffold. It would be as senseless for me to venture into yours, as for you to come into mine. Do you think I am unkind?"
So they parted. Mrs. Reffold had spoken no word of affection to Bernardine, but at the station, as she bent down to kiss her, she whispered:
"I know you will not think too hardly of me. Still, will you promise me? And if you are ever in trouble, and I can help you, will you write to me?"
And Bernardine promised.
When she got back to her room, she found a small packet on her table. It contained Mr. Reffold's watch-chain. She had so often seen him playing with it. There was a little piece of paper enclosed with it, and Mr. Reffold had written on it some two months ago: "Give my watch- chain to Little Brick, if she will sacrifice a little of her pride, and accept the gift." Bernardine unfastened her watch from the black hair cord, and attached it instead to Mr. Reffold's massive gold chain.
As she sat there fiddling with it, the idea seized her that she would be all the better for a day's outing. At first she thought she would go alone, and then she decided to ask Robert Allitsen. She learnt from Marie that he was in the dark room, and she hastened down. She knocked several times before there was any answer.
"I can't be disturbed just now," he said. "Who is it?"
"I can't shout to you," she said.
The Disagreeable Man opened the door of the dark room.
"My negatives will be spoilt," he said gruffly. Then seeing Bernardine standing there, he added:
"Why, you look as though you wanted some brandy."
"No," she said, smiling at his sudden change of manner. "I want fresh air, a sledge drive, and a day's outing. Will you come?"
He made no answer, and retired once more into the dark room. Then he came out with his camera.
"We will go to that inn again," he said cheerily. "I want to take the photographs to those peasants."
In half an hours time they were on their way. It was the same drive as before: and since then, Bernardine had seen more of the country, and was more accustomed to the wonderful white scenery: but still the "white presences" awed her, and still the deep silence held her. It was the same scene, and yet not the same either, for the season was now far advanced, and the melting of the snows had begun. In the far distance the whiteness seemed as before; but on the slopes near at hand, the green was beginning to assert itself, and some of the great trees had cast off their heavy burdens, and appeared more gloomy in their freedom than in the days of their snow-bondage. The roads were no longer quite so even as before; the sledge glided along when it could, and bumped along when it must. Still, there was sufficient snow left to make the drive possible, and even pleasant.
The two companions were quiet. Once only the Disagreeable Man made a remark, and then he said:
"I am afraid my negatives will be spoilt!"
"You said that before," Bernardine remarked.
"Well, I say it again," he answered in his grim way.
Then came a long pause.
"The best part of the winter is over," he said. "We may have some more snow; but it is more probable that we shall not. It is not enjoyable being here during the melting time."
"Well, in any case I should not be here much longer," she said; "and for a simple reason, too. I have nearly come to the end of my money. I shall have to go back and set to work again. I should not have been able to give myself this chance, but that my uncle spared me some of his money, to which I added my savings."
"Are you badly off?" the Disagreeable Man asked rather timidly.
"I have very few wants," she answered brightly. "And wealth is only a relative word, after all."
"It is a pity that you should go back to work so soon," he said half to himself. "You are only just better; and it is easy to lose what one has gained."
"Oh, I am not likely to lose," she answered; "but I shall be careful this time. I shall do a little teaching, and perhaps a little writing: not much—you need not be vexed. I shall not try to pick up the other threads yet. I shall not be political, nor educational, nor anything else great."
"If you call politics or education great," he said. "And heaven defend me from political or highly educated women!"
"You say that because you know nothing about them," she said sharply.
"Thank you," he replied. "I have met them quite often enough!"
"That was probably some time ago," she said rather heartlessly. "If you have lived here so long, how can you judge of the changes which go on in the world outside Petershof?"
"If I have lived here so long," he repeated, in the bitterness of his heart.
Bernardine did not notice: she was on a subject which always excited her.
"I don't know so much about the political women," she said, "but I do know about the higher education people. The writers who rail against the women of this date are really describing the women of ten years ago. Why, the Girton girl of ten years ago seems a different creation from the Girton girl of to-day. Yet the latter has been the steady outgrowth of the former!"
"And the difference between them?" asked the Disagreeable Man; "since you pride yourself on being so well informed."
"The Girton girl of ten years ago," said Bernardine, "was a, sombre, spectacled person, carelessly and dowdily dressed, who gave herself up to wisdom, and despised every one who did not know the Agamemnon by heart. She was probably not lovable; but she deserves to be honoured and thankfully remembered. She fought for woman's right to be well educated, and I cannot bear to hear her slighted. The fresh-hearted young girl who nowadays plays a good game of tennis, and takes a high place in the Classical or Mathematical Tripos, and is book learnèd, without being bookish, and . . . ."
"What other virtues are left, I wonder?" he interrupted.
"And who does not scorn to take a pride in her looks because she happens to take a pride in her books," continued Bernardine, looking at the Disagreeable Man, and not seeming to see him: "she is what she is by reason of that grave and loveless woman who won the battle for her."
Here she paused.
"But how ridiculous for me to talk to you in this way!" she said. "It is not likely that you would be interested in the widening out of women's lives."
"And pray why not?" he asked. "Have I been on the shelf too long?"
"I think you would not have been interested even if you had never been on the shelf," she said frankly. "You are not the type of man to be generous to woman."
"May I ask one little question of you, which shall conclude this subject," he said, "since here we are already at the Gasthaus: to which type of learnèd woman do you lay claim to belong?"
Bernardine laughed.
"That I leave to your own powers of discrimination," she said, and then added, "if you have any."
And that was the end of the matter, for the word spread about that Herr Allitsen had arrived, and every one turned out to give the two guests greeting. Frau Steinhart smothered Bernardine with motherly tenderness, and whispered in her ear:
"You are betrothed now, liebes Fräulein? Ach, I am sure of it."
But Bernardine smiled and shook her head, and went to greet the others who crowded round them; and at last poor Catharina drew near too, holding Bernardine's hand lovingly within her own. Then Hans, Liza's lover, came upon the scene, and Liza told the Disagreeable Man that she and Hans were to be married in a month's time. And the Disagreeable Man, much to Bernardine's amazement, drew from his pocket a small parcel, which he confided to Liza's care. Every one pressed round her while she opened it, and found what she had so often wished for, a silver watch and chain.
"Ach," she cried, "how heavenly! How all the girls here will envy me!How angry my dear friend Susanna will be!"
Then there were the photographs to be examined.
Liza looked with stubborn disapproval on the pictures of herself in her working-dress. But she did not conceal her admiration of the portraits which showed her to the world in her best finery.
"Ach," she cried, "this is something like a photograph!"
The Disagreeable Man grunted, but behaved after the fashion of a hero, claiming, however, a little silent sympathy from Bernardine.
It was a pleasant, homely scene: and Bernardine, who, felt quite at her ease amongst these people, chatted away with them as though she had known them all her life.
Then Frau Steinhart suddenly remembered that her guests needed some food, and Liza was despatched to her duties as cook; though it was some time before she could be induced to leave off looking at the photographs.
"Take them with you, Liza," said the Disagreeable Man. "Then we shall get our meal all the quicker!"
She ran off laughing, and finally Bernardine found herself alone withCatharina.
"Liza is very happy," she said to Bernardine. "She loves, and is loved."
"That is the greatest happiness," Bernardine said half to herself.
"Fräulein knows?" Catharina asked eagerly.
Bernardine looked wistfully at her companion. "No, Catharina," she said."I have only heard and read and seen."
"Thenyoucannot understand," Catharina said almost proudly. "ButIunderstand!"
She spoke no more after that, but took up her knitting, and watched Bernardine playing with the kittens. She was playing with the kittens, and she was thinking; and all the time she felt conscious that this peasant woman, stricken in mind and body, was pitying her because that great happiness of loving and being loved had not come into her life. It had seemed something apart from her; she had never even wanted it. She had wished to stand alone, like a little rock out at sea.
And now?
In a few minutes the Disagreeable Man and she sat down to their meal. In spite of her excitement, Liza managed to prepare everything nicely; though when she was making the omeletteaux fines herbes, she had to be kept guarded lest she might run off to have another look at the silver watch and the photographs of herself in her finest frock!
Then Bernardine and Robert Allitsen drank to the health of Hans andLiza: and then came the time of reckoning. When he was paying the bill,Frau Steinhart, having given him the change, said coaxingly:
"Last time, you and Fräulein each paid a share: to-day you pay all. Then perhaps you are betrothed at last, dear Herr Allitsen? Ach, how the old Hausfrau wishes you happiness! Who deserves to be happy, if it is not our dear Herr Allitsen?"
"You have given me twenty centimes too much," he said quietly. "You have your head so full of other things that you cannot reckon properly."
But seeing that she looked troubled lest she might have offended him, he added quickly:
"When I am betrothed, good little old housemother, you shall be the first to know."
And she had to be content with that. She asked no more questions of either of them: but she was terribly disappointed. There was something a little comical in her disappointment; but Robert Allitsen was not amused at it, as he had been on a former occasion. As he leaned back in the sledge, with the same girl for his companion, he recalled his feelings. He had been astonished and amused, and perhaps a little shy, and a great deal relieved that she had been sensible enough to be amused too.
And now?
They had been constantly together for many months: he who had never cared before for companionship, had found himself turning more and more to her.
And now he was going to lose her.
He looked up once or twice to make sure that she was still by his side: she sat there so quietly. At last he spoke in his usual gruff way.
"Have you exhausted all your eloquence in your oration about learned women?" he asked.
"No, I am reserving it for a better audience," she answered, trying to be bright. But she was not bright.
"I believe you came out to the country to day to seek for cheerfulness," he said after a pause. "Have you found it?"
"I do not know," she said. "It takes me some time to recover from shocks; and Mr. Reffold's death was a sorrow to me. What do you think about death? Have you any theories about life and death, and the bridge between them? Could you say anything to help one?"
"Nothing," he answered. "Who could? And by what means?"
"Has there been no value in philosophy," she asked, "and the meditations of learnèd men?"
"Philosophy!" he sneered. "What has it done for us? It has taught us some processes of the mind's working; taught us a few wonderful things which interest the few; but the centuries have come and gone, and the only thing which the whole human race pants to know, remains unknown: our beloved ones, shall we meet them, and how?—the great secret of the universe. We ask for bread, and these philosophers give us a stone. What help could come from them: or from any one? Death is simply one of the hard facts of life."
"And the greatest evil," she said.
"We weave our romances about the next world," he continued; "and any one who has a fresh romance to relate, or an old one dressed up in new language, will be listened to, and welcomed. That helps some people for a little while; and when the charm of the romance is over, then they are ready for another, perhaps more fantastic than the last. But the plot is always the same: our beloved ones—shall we meet them, and how? Isn't it pitiful? Why cannot we be more impersonal? These puny, petty minds of ours! When will they learn to expand?"
"Why should we learn to be more impersonal?" she said. "There was a time when I felt like that; but now I have learnt something better: that we need not be ashamed of being human; above all, of having the best of human instincts, love, and the passionate wish for its continuance, and the unceasing grief at its withdrawal. There is no indignity in this; nor any trace of weakmindedness in our restless craving to know about the Hereafter, and the possibilities of meeting again those whom we have lost here. It is right, and natural, and lovely that it should be the most important question. I know that many will say that thereareweightier questions: they say so, but do they think so? Do we want to know first and foremost whether we shall do our work better elsewhere: whether we shall be endowed with more wisdom: whether, as poor Mr. Reffold said, we shall be glad to behave less like curs, and more like heroes? These questions come in, but they can be put aside. The other question canneverbe put on one side. If that were to become possible, it would only be so because the human heart had lost the best part of itself, its own humanity. We shall go on building our bridge between life and death, each one for himself. When we see that it is not strong enough, we shall break it down and build another. We shall watch other people building their bridges. We shall imitate, or criticise, or condemn. But as time goes on, we shall learn not to interfere, we shall know that one bridge is probably as good as the other; and that the greatest value of them all has been in the building of them. It does not matter what we build, but build we must: you, and I, and every one."
"I have long ceased to build my bridge," the Disagreeable Man said.
"It is an almost unconscious process," she said. "Perhaps you are still at work, or perhaps you are resting."
He shrugged his shoulders, and the two comrades fell into silence again.
They were within two miles of Petershof, when he broke the silence: there was something wonderfully gentle in his voice.
"You little thing," he said, "we are nearing home, and I have something to ask you. It is easier for me to ask here in the free open country, where the space seems to give us breathing room for our cramped lungs and minds!"
"Well," she said kindly; she wondered what he could have to say.
"I am a little nervous of offending you," he continued, "and yet I trust you. It is only this. You said you had come to the end of your money, and that you must go home. It seems a pity when you are getting better. I have so much more than I need. I don't offer it to you as a gift, but I thought if you wished to stay longer, a loan from me would not be quite impossible to you. You could repay as quickly or as slowly as was convenient to you, and I should only be grateful and" . . . .
He stopped suddenly.
The tears had gathered in Bernardine's eyes her hand rested for one moment on his arm.
"Mr. Allitsen," she said, "you did well to trust me. But I could not borrow money of any one, unless I was obliged. If I could of any one, it would have been of you. It is not a month ago since I was a little anxious about money; my remittances did not come. I thought then that if obliged to ask for temporary help, I should come to you: so you see if you have trusted me, I, too, have trusted you."
A smile passed over the Disagreeable Man's face, one of his rare, beautiful smiles.
"Supposing you change your mind," he said quietly, "you will not find that I have changed mine."
Then a few minutes brought them back to Petershof.