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Section 1.When walking alone a quick step is to be taken; the toes must be turned out. Never run into a person, if ordinary care can prevent it, and especially give way to a lady, no matter how you may meet. Always keep to the right of the sidewalk, and never pass in front of a lady coming at right angles at a street corner, unless a distance of six feet intervene between said lady and the crossing-point when you reach it. In bowing when alone the hat should be carried quickly down to the right, or leftif left-handed, till the back of the hand strikes the hip, then slowly replaced on the head. The taking-off of the hat is to be accompanied by a slight forward inclination of the body and a smile of recognition.
Unless the cause of the act is known to the lady as well as yourself, never cut her, that is, do not look at her and refuse absolutely to return her bow, but recognize it in an indifferent manner sufficient to convey the fact that something is wrong, and that the return bow was forced, while still it is polite. If you know a lady whom you dislike and have no desire to recognize, never look at her in passing, as you would thus invite recognition, and would be exceedingly impolite in cutting her. When you meet a person walking, and that awkward dodging in the effort to pass occurs, always stop and turn slightly to the right till the other haspassed on. If it be a lady, the expression “Pardon” is to be used as she passes. If you step on a man’s foot, address him with an apology merely; if on a lady’s, the apology must be accompanied by a slight bow. Never carry a parcel of any kind: if a hat is to be taken to the store, carry it in a leather case; if articles of wear, carry them in a satchel. Do not wear too large a boutonnière; a few dozen violets or two or three pinks, or a few sprays of lily of the valley, or a few pansies, or a very small red rosebud for afternoon, and as few leaves as possible. For the evening a few sprays of hyacinth or lily of the valley is the only proper buttonhole bouquet.
2. When walking with a lady keep either a military step, or if her step is too short for your comfort, then take a Newport drag pace, taking care that thebody does not rise much, thus preventing a see-saw appearance. Always walk on the side nearest the curbstone, except in the case of a very crowded street, when it may be the most convenient for the lady to walk on your right. A distance of half a foot should be kept between the lady and yourself at all times when the walk is not crowded; this is necessary always in the daytime, and also in the evening unless the acquaintance is such as permits taking arms. Never lock arms in the daytime. Always pay attention if your companion is speaking; your mind should not be distracted by persons or objects passing; there is nothing more unsatisfactory and disagreeable to a young lady than for her to realize that she is unheard and unheeded. When with a lady it is unnecessary to stop at all to permit another lady to pass when coming at right angles, as is necessarywhen alone. When raining always hold the umbrella; when sunny never offer to, or hold a parasol, unless expressly requested to do so; a sunshade is for a lady to hold, and looks out of place in a gentleman’s hand, unless it is a particularly heavy one, or the wind is too strong to permit of the lady carrying it comfortably. If she has a satchel or large parcel when you meet her, immediately offer to carry it.
3. When joining a lady, if coming toward her, wait till she has passed; then turning, join her with the usual or intended salutation, without stopping her. Never come intentionally face to face to join her; she will, presumably, think that you wish to stop, and it is a settled conclusion that a lady and gentleman should never stop to talk on the street; in a party it is permissible only if theseveral persons thereof have chanced to meet, or are in the act of parting. When joining a lady in the morning on the street only accompany her a few blocks, for the morning is shopping-time, and escorts are seldom desired. Never fail to raise the hat on leaving a lady on the street, or at doors or windows. When it is muddy cross before a lady that she may profit by your action, by crossing in your foot-prints. If very muddy offer your hand for her support in finding good foot-rests. Never carry the cane in the hand next the lady if it is possible to carry it in the other; if not possible, because the other is the useful one, then it should be carried under the arm next to her with that hand placed at the cane-head. The reason of this rule will be understood on reflecting, that if the cane is carried in the useful hand, it must necessarily be conveyed to the other everytime a man bows; it is a poor action, and presents an awkward appearance, especially if the cane drops. This rule also applies to umbrellas when rolled. Of course this is plain, as it is not supposed that a gentleman when promenading carries any but these two articles. Never let a lady carry your cane in the city.
When entering a door or passageway, allow the lady to precede you, as is done indoors. When with a lady, and she bows, your bow should be less marked than when alone; the hat is to be raised and carried quickly to the front as low as the chin, then as speedily replaced. When you consider the side you occupy, the advisability of this manner of bowing is at once seen on reflecting that a sweeping bow would more or less interfere with the continuation of your companion’s recognition of the third party, which is a complaint the majority of young ladiesset up. In giving a lady soda-water or other cooling drink, do not allow her to use her own kerchief, but insist upon her using one of your own; a gentleman should always carry two. Also, in view of the fact that many pockets in dresses are difficult to discover immediately, the gentleman should thus be prepared for emergencies. If walking in the afternoon with a lady, and you are overtaken by darkness, do not continue, but immediately board a horse-car, enter a stage, or have your carriage follow and meet you, and thus return. This rule is on the principle that ladies and gentlemen should not walk the streets after dark, and this principle is universally approved of by society. The walk to and from cars to attend theaters in the evening, is a different matter entirely, and cannot be offered in opposition to the above rule (as many have claimed), as it is confined to only afew particular streets, and has nothing whatever to do with avenue promenades; besides, it is understood that crossing to theaters is compulsory, and so excusable. In taking a lady for a walk, you should always provide her with a fair-sized bouquet of violets, if popular, or, if not, of roses to harmonize with her type, whether blonde or brunette; or any class of flowers which you know would suit her taste, provided they are not out of style, or unsuited to the season or for street wear, or perhaps too loud for her general appearance.
4. When with a lady, always pay her fare in a public conveyance, at a ticket office, or gate, or any place where fare is demanded, unless she has a ticket for the occasion.
If in the vehicle, at the office, or gate, or any place requiring the payment offare, and you meet a lady friend who has not as yet paid her fare, do not offer to do so for her, as it is very bad form, and presents the appearance of a desire on your part to let people know you have money, and the act more or less reflects upon the lady’s purse. If accompanying a lady into a store, do not offer to buy her this and that; such an act is simply out of consideration; it is an affront to her purse, and she rejects your offer; no lady would accept it unless for some very trifling purchase.
5. When in any crowded public conveyance, a lady gets in, always rise immediately and notify her of the vacancy. Do not think, because you are tired, you are justified in keeping the seat, for you do not know but that the lady is just as tired as yourself. Again, when you see a small space between two ladies, do nottry to wedge yourself in; it is better to be uncomfortable yourself, than to cause discomfort to the ladies. Do not lean over or against a lady when holding the strap overhead, and she is seated below. Always, if next the fare-box, offer to deposit a lady’s fare, especially in stages. Never in city conveyances, if a conductor is at hand, offer your assistance in raising or lowering a window, but solicit the conductor to do it for you; if none is upon or in the conveyance, then lend your help.
6. When asking a lady to drive, do so only on an advanced acquaintance, and do not keep her out after dark. Take care not to allow the whip to dangle in her face, and, in urging on the horses, do so in an easy manner, without that sudden start which throws the lady so violently back in her seat. Do not talk about horses; it is a very poor subject, andsavors of poor taste. In calling for a lady do not keep her waiting, but have the vehicle at the door on time. If possible to leave the reins loose on the horses, step out and help the lady into the vehicle, then pass round to the other side and take your seat, carefully adjusting the lap-robe over both. Do not keep up a continuous chuckle to the horses, as it is a very monotonous sound, but use the whip. A full driving suit should always be worn if a lady accompanies you. Always wear gloves in driving. If you have spirited horses to handle, it is not necessary while driving to take off the hat when recognizing a person; a smile and an inclination of the head are sufficient, for taking off the hat interferes considerably with your management of the animals, and has often resulted in serious accidents. Do not take a lady riding in the morning. The afternoon from threetill five is the proper time. Never on any account drive on Sunday. Never take a lady in a light wagon or buggy, or out with fast horses, in the city, for it is not stylish; in fact, such turnouts are common, as in use only by sporting men or horse lovers.
7. Riding should be confined to the morning as much as possible, and a complete outfit worn upon all occasions. Especially is this urged when with a lady. Always keep head and neck of your own horse beyond your companion’s, if a lady, in view of being able and prepared to assist her in case of fright or accident to her horse. Always assist her in mounting and alighting from her horse.
8. Sailing is a pastime which can be indulged in at leisure by a gentleman who knows a thing or two about such pleasure; whether he has confidence in his ability or not, if he ventures uponthat pleasure he does so at his own risk. But when he has a lack of knowledge, and lack of confidence in his ability to handle a boat, not under any consideration should he venture to invite a lady to accompany him. To take ladies sailing, when you are ignorant of the methods of handling sailing craft, is a risk that often has frightful results; these have been often seen, where summer men who know positively nothing about the art of sailing have issued invitations, and ventured on their perilous, uncertain pleasure. Always take a skipper, and no danger will arise. Take care to look first after the comfort of the ladies, and always provide cushions, field-glasses, and especially ice-water in view of a calm. This latter is very often neglected, to the great distress of the ladies when the boat is becalmed. The writer can safely make this suggestion, as he had such an experience himself.
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Section 1.The hands should always be kept clean. Do not think because you have gloves on that you are safe in neglecting your hands. You may be suddenly called upon to perform some act which would necessitate taking off the gloves, thus exposing soiled hands. The nails should be kept perfectly clean and projecting about one-twelfth of an inch from the tender flesh and not too pointed, and are to be only slightly polished. All hang-nails should be cut off, and advanced flesh pushed back from the root of the nails.Do not wear too many rings. A gentleman should never have on more than two, and those to be placed one on each hand. Always place them on the fingers next the little ones. Large diamonds should not be worn; one carat is the usual weight. Also, do not wear broad bands of gold, they are very common-looking on a gentleman; a seal-ring or intaglio is quite sufficient. Never wear bracelets, it is exceedingly effeminate. And, above all, do not wear ladies’ rings.
2. The face, if without a growing beard or moustache, should be kept clean. This can best be done by a light shave. Do not shave too close; to be sure it appears more free of hair for the time being, but then, as the hair grows out, eruptions cover the face, especially the neck; thus for a few hours’ clean appearance you undergo several days’ discomfort.
3. The teeth should be kept clean, white, and polished. It is necessary that they be kept clean, as odors from them sometimes give the impression of a disordered stomach, and makes conversation at close quarters exceedingly disagreeable.
4. The hair should be carefully brushed, with a neat part, the sides at the front being slightly raised and pushed back. The hair can be parted on either the left, right, or center of the head, but it should never be flattened and plastered down, as the appearance is very weakening to the character of the face. Leave such a fad to those of bad taste, who have nothing else to do but corrupt the standing customs.
5. Do not, no matter how much displeased, at any time wear a scowl or severe expression; it does you no good asto others, for they do not know the cause thereof, and they naturally conclude you to be of a disagreeable disposition. Equally true is it that the face should be free from that incessant smiling which overspreads the countenances of so many. The face should possess neither one of these expressions, but present a set, firm appearance, conveying no idea of the thoughts of the mind. Outward causes are exceptions to the changes of facial expressions. When talking, care should be taken not to accompany the words with distortions of the face. The mouth should not be opened too wide, nor the tongue stuck out. Never bite the lips or pick the teeth, as both distort the face. Never use the eyes in a flirtatious manner, as it is very poor taste and shows conceit. Also, do not glance at a strange lady in a steady or impertinent manner; least of all on the street or in public vehicles.
6. Your position should always be as dignified as possible; if sitting, the body should be held upright and the arms gracefully placed, and not twisted or hung over the back of the chair. Always face the person whom you are addressing. When standing, your position must be straight, shoulders back, and head well up. The legs to be close together or one slightly advanced, in a position of rest. The arms can be carried either by locking hands behind the back, or in front, or they can be folded upon the chest; either way can be made to appear graceful. When walking, the body is carried as in standing, and the busy hand must carry its contents as gracefully as possible, while the other hand is allowed to hang by the side, moving only with the motion of the body. Both, if free, must hang thus; never put them in the pockets.
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Section 1.Smoking should be confined entirely to a studio, smoking-room, drawing-room, or library, when ladies are, or intend to be, in the vicinity later, and should never be indulged in, even in the places mentioned above, if the ladies are present, without their unanimous consent thereto.
Smoking in the street is also objected to, exception being made when on the front platforms of cars, when a gentleman should make it his duty to see that the smoke does not prove disagreeable to ladies in the car.
2. Drinking to excess is not the habit of a gentleman. Drink should be taken only in moderation, especially at dinner parties when ladies are present. Do not boast of your fondness for the beverage. If you chance to be at all under the influence of liquor, or even if you have merely a strong odor of it on the breath, do not attend a reception or dance, as such an odor is not perfume to the partners with whom you may dance or converse.
3. Chewing tobacco or other stuff manufactured for the same purpose should never be indulged in by a gentleman, no matter where he is. Spitting must not be practised in the presence of ladies, and should be done away with entirely unless alone and out of sight of others. Clearing the throat should not be done in ladies’ company, and be careful not to allow indications of indigestion torise noisily in the throat. And lastly, do not hiss through the teeth or hum to yourself in company.
4. Do not, no matter how cramped you may be, stretch in the presence of ladies, and not at all at the table, even if alone. Yawning should be confined to your own presence strictly, or, if it is irrepressible, place the fingers before the mouth.
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Section 1.Never use sarcasm in direct conversation, as it is but a veiled form of insult. Do not use deceit, especially in conversing with a lady; also, avoid prevarication, as such is bad policy. Do not boast, it is an absurd habit to fall into. Too many puns or jokes become monotonous; jokes should not be told in reference to a person present, unless the acquiescence of the party be first received.
2. Your grammar should be of the best, and your words selected with great care.Large words should be used very seldom unless the topic of conversation calls for them.
3. Laughter should never be forced; if you are not amused, merely smile. When laughing at a small matter do so in a light, sincere way; when amused by some good joke or occurrence, laugh heartily but not too loudly; merely convey the fact that the joke or event is appreciated. This rule should apply at all times when ladies are present.
4. Never flatter a lady, for it is the poorest substitution for a sensible topic that was ever thought of in society. It is disliked by ladies and gentlemen alike, and it shows insincerity in its every use. If you desire to say something nice to a person, make use of more serious expressions, commonly known as compliments,for, if you intend to compliment and speak too sweetly, it is not such, but flattery, you are making use of. Only compliment when a person deserves it, and do not do so too often.
5. In society one should always be prepared for impromptu conversation, or small talk, and should always have plenty of it in stock; that is, not the whole substance of the expected conversation, but subjects upon which you can converse at a moment’s notice. At receptions, teas, dinners, dances, or any other entertainment, the topics should be select, and the oral abilities prepared to discuss them in a free and familiar way. Such topics might well be classed under the simple heads of Art of latest Artists, Receptions, Teas, etc., and especially Latest Novels, then also Plays and the criticisms, or Noted People of the Day. You will findany one of these sufficient for short conversation. Literature and grave subjects would prove too extensive. Try not to criticize people severely, and do not speak on any subject which, after a few remarks, appears uninteresting or distasteful to the person conversing with you. When a subject has been once discussed and abandoned by all, it is bad taste to return to it during that same conversation or in the same company.
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Section 1.Correspondence is a thing which every man should be able to do well in all its branches, whether social or business, whether formal or otherwise, whether brief or extended in its subject-matter. A gentleman should always be able to write sensible letters, and to the point, without deviating from the general topic. When corresponding with other men keep strictly, unless with a very close friend, to the subject in question. Butwhen writing to ladies the rule is different. To adhere so exactly to the topic of discussion is significant of a desire to have the matter through with. Always add further casual remarks tending to show an interest beyond the duty of correspondence. The ladies’ writing rule is just the reverse.
It does very well to insert, here and there, witty remarks to break the monotony of a lengthy epistle. Above all, it is advised to abstain from putting in writing any words imparting affection or soliciting such from the lady. Write your letter in one complete part; that is, let all you have to say be penned upon any number of sheets you may desire, but be sure it is between the head address and your signature. Never add a postscript; this in letters, like a parenthesis in sentences, has the appearance of poor construction.
Do not write crosswise on the paper, and avoid blotting the same. Also see that you never write to a lady on office paper, or any which is ink-lined, for your social corresponding paper should always have a crest or monogram at the top, and such would not appear well or to advantage on that which is lined. If you desire ruled paper, let the lines be such as are pressed into it during manufacture. Lastly, never use hotel paper, except in the summer, and then only when traveling or visiting without a trunk, which should always contain every necessity of a trip.
If it is formal, a lady’s letter should be answered immediately, if there is the least hint of a reply in it, but without such hint the gentleman must not answer. If it is informal, he must, if requested to reply, do so immediately, otherwise he may suit himself, butwithin a limit of one month; later, politeness would be at stake. But the lady should not be expected to answer in either case to your letter unless she feels so disposed, or you show good reasons why she should, and expressly request her to do so.
Formal correspondence can be indulged in between any persons who may be related, very dear friends, or even mere acquaintances. With the first two classes, a gentleman can correspond formally at any and all times, unless expressly solicited not to do so by the lady’s parents, or guardians, or herself. But in the last case he must have a request to offer or an answer to return, and it should be very formal, implying by its very subject-matter that necessity caused the correspondence. When writing a formal note to a lady acquaintance, without her consent, merely sign your name to the matterand place therein your card, such as is described in Sec. 8, Actions Indoors. Never write your address beneath the signature, or, as is sometimes done, above the head address, in this class of notes.… But informal and lengthy correspondence only pertains to, and can be exercised at all times by, very dear friends,fiancés, or very dear relatives. Acquaintances must be subjected to the rule of formality of correspondence, till they have reached the relation of friend, which can be acquired only after eight or ten meetings, when there has been sufficient conversation to establish what the parties mutually agree to constitute fast friendship.
2. Invitations are so many and varying in their nature, that it is generally difficult to say what kind of a reply, and how soon, should be given. But all can be summed up in a few divisions,viz.: Reception, Dance, and Wedding invitations. (a) Reception invitations are never to be replied to, unless accompanied with an informal invitation to an after-reception dance, bearing an R. S. V. P., when a few days can be permitted to elapse before replying thereto. (b) A wedding invitation, like the reception, needs no reply, except under the same conditions as annexed to reception invitations. But dances are the subjects for which dozens of different kinds of invitations are issued, when it is decidedly difficult to ascertain the exact time, or answer as desired by the inviter. The answer depends upon the number of inviters included in the invitation; the time upon the number of days intervening before the date of the event; if two weeks, the regular time allotted, then an immediate reply is necessary (exceptions in subscription dances). If two or three ladiesor gentlemen, or both, are the inviters, then address the reply to the one so selected as secretary for the reception of replies, and of course sign your name on the completion of the reply; then in the left-hand lower corner, pen, “Politeness to”; then write, one beneath the other, the names of all the inviters, including the secretary last; this shows that the reply is politely tendered to all. In a subscription dance, an invitation for all and every date of dances is usually sent out six weeks before date of first meeting, in which case three or four weeks at the most can be allowed to pass; but no matter when the invitation is received, if two or six weeks prior to the first meeting, always reply at least two weeks before such first date. Dinners, teas, breakfasts, etc., are the same as dances as to time and answer. Invitations by card to call are not to be answered, but shouldbe acknowledged in person, as soon after their reception as possible. Invitations to subscription dances need only be addressed to the secretary or inviter.
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Section 1.When a gentleman accepts the honored position of escort he is supposed to do so willingly, and with the intention of fulfilling its many requirements. Do not accept and accompany a lady to her intended destination, and continually show any displeasure in your position. Pay strict attention to her, and leave her only when she is engaged in some dance or occupation with another partner. Young ladies take escorts in substitution for a brother or relative, and when so taking expect to find them congenial and as equal to theirduties as any brother or relative would be. When asking a gentleman as escort the lady is expected to furnish the carriage if it is her desire to ride; it is not necessary for the gentleman to bring her flowers in return for her kindness, but an after-gift of the same will suffice. When asking a lady to give you the pleasure of her company for any event, you must, of course, expect to pay all expenses; if in the evening, and she is an old acquaintance, always expect to furnish a carriage. If only an acquaintance, and it is necessary to use a carriage, then a chaperon should be brought with you. But the cars are generally the mode of travel which can be used if a chaperon is not desired.
Never take advantage of your situation when in a carriage alone with a lady, by addressing her in any way too familiar to be polite.
2. Extravagance is one of the greatest faults into which young and old persist in falling. Very few society men know what economy means. So to point out a few ways by which extravagance may be at least modified by gentlemen: (a) It is very poor taste for a person to show by his attire extravagant inclinations. Do not dress too gaudily, or change the suits more than is ordinarily necessary for special occasions. Let your dress be not too costly, not too loud, but neat, of the styles described in Part I. of this book, and do away with too great a variety of top and over coats, neckties, patent leather shoes (for walking), and, above all, elaborately figured waistcoats, also elaborate canes. They all combine not only to appear extravagant, but destroy the effect of simple elegance. (b) Do not spend money for a thing unless it is necessary for yourown good or that of a relation. Presents given by a single man should be simple and of slight cost.
If engaged the rule is less strict; but if married a man should not only teach himself the law of economy, but also his wife and children. Such gifts as candy, flowers, jewelry, etc., should be given only by very dear friends, which relation permits such presents to be of slight cost, while they are appreciated as if of great cost. Costly gifts to acquaintances are a gross extravagance.
3. Kissing is a pleasure which is not to be indulged in except among dear relatives, the family, wife, or yourfiancée. Never kiss or embrace a person outside of these exceptions, no matter how old friends they may be. No lady would allow you such a privilege, and if she should so far forget her standing as to permit the act,you would be rude, exceedingly so, and no gentleman, to take advantage of her forgetfulness. Never, on any account, kiss or embrace the persons, as stated above, in a public place,—it is common. No one knows your relationship, and no one the length of time of separation; besides, the act of kissing is very undignified and ungraceful. Of course these rules only apply to gentlemen; they are not enforceable in respect to ladies, as the feminine sex is supposed to be more demonstrative. Familiarity, though allowed, breeds contempt by degrees.
4. Familiarity is a subject upon which the majority of society men can discourse fluently, so practised are they in the art. In fact, society is infected with this disease. It reigns on all occasions, be they private or public. It is found in the most aristocratic circles, as in those of lessrefinement. Why should this continue? It should not. Both ladies and gentlemen use it; but of gentlemen, alone, I now speak. Freedom of speech and freedom of manner constitute the general heads of familiarity. (a) Freedom of manner has been partly defined under the heads of kissing and embracing. Do not on any account allow of any rude actions on your part; always keep a polite distance from a lady, and do not, if you take her hand, retain too long a hold thereof, or press it with your own; in fact, never touch a lady unless she is related to you, under the heads set forth in Section 3, Personal Actions, unless it becomes absolutely necessary; then do it in the most polite manner possible. (b) Freedom of speech is the most important head of familiarity, and includes many classes of rudeness. Do not be impertinent in your remarks to ladies, ask no personal questions,do away with rude speech; seek not to impart to her that which she should not know, or tries to turn a deaf ear to. Improper remarks are poison from the tongue, and tend to ruin your reputation in her estimation, as a gentleman, sooner or later. It is no excuse if she tolerates your advances or not,—a gentleman is a gentleman, and should remain so. Not only is this rule applicable to acquaintances, but it should be strictly observed in your own family. Your sisters should be as acquaintances as respects your behavior, and your mother and father should command respect in your every word or action.
5. A gentleman, because he is married, should not suppose himself fitted for the position of chaperon on occasions where it is necessary to leave the city, or it is an evening affair; on the contrary, it is hisduty to refuse acceptance of such a position, unless himself and wife act as the chaperons. If single, he should never offer his services as chaperon. He may be such in the daytime, within the city, acting as a guide or protector of his companion; but this is a very weak form of chaperonage compared to that customary in society, which form generally concerns only evening or out-of-town events, when a stricter rule is applied, under the conditions of which a gentleman can never be a chaperon. It must be remembered that though guide and protector are the true meanings of the word chaperon, yet, as far as a gentleman can exercise that right, he can be no more than an escort.
6. A gentleman should shake hands as seldom as possible. On introduction and at parting should be the chief occasionsfor the act. This rule refers only to your own sex. With ladies it is far stricter. You should not shake hands on introduction to ladies, nor at parting; but at the next meeting, or subsequent ones, if they appear desirous of such a cordial greeting, grasp their hand, for it is at the option of a lady whether or not the hands should come in contact with each other; but never shake at parting. When taking a lady’s hand, grasp it firmly, but gently, just sufficient pressure to convey the feeling of cordiality, nothing more, and raising her hand to the height of her waist, shake it gently two or three times, then release it; never hold it while speaking, and do not attempt that awkward, lately originated style of raising the hands above the face, with the fingers twisted out of shape; it is clumsy, decidedly ridiculous in appearance, and very uncomfortable for the lady.
7. Never kiss a lady’s hand when in public, and never privately, unless engaged or very much attached to her, and not then unless she is willing to undergo the torture.
Do not, as in hand-kissing, throw kisses to a person in public, and not at all unless under the conditions stated above.
8. When engaged a gentleman should devote all his spare moments to hisfiancée. He should compel himself to forsake other ladies’ society, allowing himself to be thrown therein only when accompanying his intended to entertainments or dances, and then should control himself, so as to give no cause of jealousy by his actions or apparent interest in others of the fair sex. He should give all presents to her, take her to all the entertainments and dances, and, in fact, let her find him always devotion in everything. Clubsshould be partially or wholly neglected for her. Even under the circumstances, familiarity should be guardedly exercised, especially with her family.
9. Introductions are the most important of any of the numerous acts of society, constituting a custom established by long and frequent usage. It is easy to introduce, no matter how or in what manner it is done, and ninety-nine per cent. of introductions are either improperly conducted or a mere mention of names. To constitute a proper introduction there must be three requisites, viz.: Sufficient language to imply an introduction, an objective name and a subjective name each distinctly pronounced. That is to say: the object is the person to whom the subject is presented; second, the subject of the introduction is the one whom you present. You must pronounce bothnames distinctly. First, be sure that both are aware of your intention and secure of each other’s attention, then proceed by saying:(Ex.)“Miss Smith [object], please allow me to present Mr. Brown [subject].” This is all, and it is as simple as can be; yet people will mumble and stammer and stumble through an introduction as if it were the most difficult of performances. If the object or subject of an introduction is a sister, brother, or parent, do not say, as many do—Miss Smith, my brother, or my sister, naming the relation only; but say always—Miss Smith, my brother, Mr. Brown. This rule is in view of the fact that the introducer’s name is not always familiar to the object. Never mention the name of the subject first. When introducing extend the right or left hand as a gesture towards the person whom you are introducing.
It is important to make introductions carefully and at the proper time. Do not suffer a person with whom you are acquainted to remain in your own party without introducing him to every member of that party. When talking to a person, and joined by a third, immediately introduce. The rules of introduction should be strictly observed in regard to ladies. As much as possible avoid introducing on the street, and when doing so do not stop the objective persons, but join them as explained in Section 4, Actions Outdoors, whether lady or gentleman, and present the subject while walking. Do not introduce to young ladies under age without the chaperon’s or guardian’s consent, and ladies of age without their approval having first been received. Do not present or attempt to present a man of whose character or reputation you are doubtful; for thousands of serious results have been thus occasioned.
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A gentleman, when he is sure that his attachment to a lady has attained perfection, and is positive of being ever afterward so attached to her as to permit of no disturbance of that affection by force of circumstances, may then and only then have the right of asking for her hand in marriage. It is a much-mooted question whether a gentleman should ask the parents’ or guardian’s consent to the proposal, if the young lady or himself or both are under age. If we follow the continental rule, this is the proper action in the matter. This course is certainly morehonorable. It matters not which parent is first consulted, though the father is preferred. The parent, or parents, or guardian may be consulted in person or by letter. After their consent has been gained, the proposal is made to the woman chosen. If she refuses, then nothing more on the subject need be said till subsequent proposals are attempted. A refusal need not be reported to the parents or guardians. If she accepts, he immediately informs them. If both parties are of age, or independent, it is not essential to a proposal that parents or guardians should be consulted.
Remember that you are a gentleman, and success will be yours if the lady possesses any love or affection in her heart for you. It is best not to force your suitupon a woman, for such engagements often cause either a breaking of the engagement between the parties, or unhappiness to both. It is far better to undergo the pain of a refusal for the time being, and endeavor to gain her affection afterward in view of another and more successful trial.
Never propose in any way but in person. Letters are very poor mediums of the affection; besides, a woman prefers personal tenders of affection. When you propose, never do so unless alone with the lady, either in-doors or out, but not in public, when promenading, driving, or riding, or on any occasion where she cannot give you her undivided attention.
A proposal is, next to a marriage, the most important event in a man’s life, and, if looked favorably upon by the woman, is such also in her life. Therefore takeplenty of time to think over the seriousness of the step; consider how much interest the lady has previously shown in you, and the result to your feelings if refused.
If a lady appears uncertain in her answer, you can depend upon it that she is weighing in golden scales the results, the strength of her own affection; and, above all, you may justly and correctly construe that the greater cause of her hesitation is uncertainty of your regard for her, whether true of the heart, or falsely stated. For no woman cares to have a man know that she entertains affection for him unless she is confident he will appreciate it. Thus if it be not a positive refusal, but hesitation only, always be determined, and decide for her by describing the happiness that only you could furnish her. These arguments, if anything would avail, will help to strengthen and control her decision.
Always plead your cause with eyes and speech only. When accepted it is left to the option of the suitor as to what mode of procedure will best express his delight and happiness. But perhaps for those of timid and bashful nature it is advisable to suggest a standard course of action, viz.: when the lady replies affirmatively, immediately clasp her in your arms; this is not, for true lovers, a very embarrassing position. Let the embrace be gentle, simply to signify and give strength and proof of your affectionate expressions prior to the acceptance.
Always stand when proposing, as it lends dignity to the occasion and allows of more freedom in expressing the feelings; besides, it savors of very little earnestness to remain in any other attitude while making so important a confession.
Before proposing it would be best to ascertain how the lady regards you in any particular light. If she speaks favorablyof any one of your fascinations, then on that foundation you may attempt to build your future happiness. Do not propose in an uncertain manner, bashfully, or yet too boldly. Be serious, desirous, and speak to the point; confess all your feelings, state everything correctly and truly, and in as telling language as you can possibly command. Do not laugh or smile, or cause it to appear an amusing matter. It would be utterly impossible to illustrate the language of proposals, for many and varied are the methods employed and the language used. But if a gentleman adheres to all I have stated on the subject, it will only be fate which will prevent the fulfilment of his anticipations. A gentleman never makes free with the lady, at the time of the acceptance, beyond the conditions stated herein. And from the moment she accepts him, through all her life he must be constant in his attention to her.