ACT III.SCENE I.—The cottage—same as first scene of second act—Chairs, tables as before.MISSMEADOWS,L.andCHESTER,R.,discovered.Che.Now, Jessy, I think we clearly understand each other?Miss Mea.Perfectly. We agree to marry with a mystery hanging over each of us. My poor aunt and I, through our retired mode of living, are supposed to be very suspicious persons, and yet you are ready and willing to give me your hand, let me turn out to be what I may?Che.For better or for worse, in every sense of the word.Miss Mea.And I undertake to be equally as rash in accepting you.Che.We shall gain one point by this blind bargain—we are assured that we love one another for ourselves alone.Miss Mea.Ah! how charming is that assurance—and how miserable to possess wealth, attracting a train of suitors with not one sincere, disinterested heart amongst them.Che.Poor as I am, an heiress is my aversion—not that money lowers the worth of woman; but that its worshippers pervert her understanding, harden her heart, and teach her a false estimate of herself.Miss Mea.Give me love in a cottage.Che.Or a second floor in London, amongst several layers of lodgers.Miss Mea.Ah! charming.Che.Two knocks and a ring for the artist—then to think of painting portraits of people so atrociously ugly, that it is more than one’s poor half guinea is worth not to flatter them. To roam through Battersea or Walworth in search of the picturesque, till a stroke of fortune promotes one to the situation of drawing master to some suburban academy.Miss Mea.Oh, delightful! to walk twenty miles twice a week for as many pounds per annum. And what mustIdo?Imust not be idle—I’ll commence milliner—trim caps—fabricate flounces, and wait upon fantastical ladies with patterns of the last new toque—and with my needlework and your painting—my industry and your enthusiasm—we shall be happy—I am sure we shall!EnterMISSMACAW,F.E.L.Good day, aunt, we have not had the pleasure of seeing you since your return home last night—it was very kind of that barbarian, Mr. Damper, to escort you to the door—I saw him leave you from my window.Miss Mac.’Twas no more than the creature’s duty.Miss Mea.His duty!Miss Mac.You have often heard me declare that my aversion to the male sex was so great, that the man who could be bold enough to propose to me, with the prospect of misery that must be his portion in the union, I would accept him instantly—now Mr. Damper——Miss Mea.}} What?Che.}Miss Mac.Mr. Damper has said that he hates me sufficiently to marry me; and, as the passion is mutual, I have taken him at his word—to-morrow morning I change my name.Miss Mea.So soon, aunt?Miss Mac.If you are surprised at our haste, you must consider that we have little of life’s time to lose; and, what in you would be indelicate precipitancy, with us, is but common prudence.Miss Mea.Are you serious, aunt?Miss Mac.Matrimony is not a subject to jest upon, whatever may be your notions of the important engagement.Miss Mea.Bless me!EnterNIGGLE,D.F.,in haste.Nig.(ToCHESTER.)Young man, where’s your mother? Pray excuse me—I mean the lady—the relation—the friend—though I care not who she may be—you know the person I mean.Che.Miss Coy?Nig.Yes—I have been in search of her every where—all last night—all to-day—Daphne never led Apollo such a chase as that dear creature has given me.Che.For what?Nig.To tell her that I can’t live without her—to tell her that my anti-matrimonial persuader is removed—that I’m a free man, and that I wish to marry her immediately—and repair the wrong that I have done her at once—before my connubial furor may again fluctuate.Che.She is gone——Nig.Gone! Where?Che.To London!Nig.Ah, my cruelty has driven her there.Che.That, and the flight of an agent, to whose care she had entrusted her property.Nig.Eh! what? flight of an agent—is she then in distress?—without a penny?Che.’Tis feared so, sir.Nig.Huzza! That was the obstacle she alluded to—that is the reason she has avoided me—I am glad of it—I have now an opportunity of proving the disinterestedness of my passion for her. [DAMPERappearsF.D.] Oh, madam(ToMISSMACAW.)—what do I not owe to you? ’Tis you—you have removed this incubus—’Tisyouthat have spurred this nightmare from my bosom, to take him to your own. Generous woman, let me embrace you.[He warmly embracesMISSMACAW,who rises with great indignation.Miss Mac.Sir! how dare you? The first time that I ever was embraced by a man in my life! How dare you, sir, take that liberty? Had I been aware of your indecorous intention I should have slapped your face—I would, sir—Ugh! the sensation is more repulsive than I ever imagined it to be.Nig.My dear madam—my gratitude was so——Dam.(Coming between them.)John! John!—you must learn to suppress such grateful feelings—my miseries are beginning already. Before the knot is actually tied, another is kissing my intended wife.Nig.Then let me get one of my own, and never again will I be under such an obligation to you—I could not controul my grateful impulse—but I am wasting time, I must follow my fate immediately.Dam.Where are you going?Nig.To bring back the dear creature whose feelings I have so trifled with, and make an instant reparation by following your example.(Going.)Dam.Stop, stop!Nig.Pray don’t attempt to shake my resolution—I wont hear you.Dam.I but wish to exact one promise from you.Nig.What is it?Dam.That you will give my arguments fair play, that you wont marry till I have been a wretched man a month.Nig.Don’t exact the promise—pray don’t—it may be years before I am again in such a marrying mood. I’ll return—I will, indeed—pray wish me success—but I don’t despair—I feel quite an ardent lover again. Though I am not running away with a lady I am running after one—eh?—Ha! ha!—good bye. Now for a post chaise and a hot pursuit—for a last attack on this formidable castle of connubiality, or death in its trenches.[ExitD.F.Dam.Poor man—poor man.Che.Ihave also received an invitation to this manor-house, with a request to bring a lady on my arm.Dam.So have I—of course I must takeyou.(ToMISSMACAW.)Miss Mac.What lady elseoughtyou to take, sir?Che.Who is the party residing there?Dam.I don’t know; the house has been shut up for some time—it has undergone complete repair—new furniture from London has been seen going in—a set of servants are there, but who the party is that has invited me, I neither know nor care to know.[Goes up the stage, followed byMISSMACAW.Che.Let us leave this loving couple to themselves—will you accompany me to this Manor house to-night?Miss Mea.Certainly, if you wish for my society.Che.Wish for your society!—Jessy—I must now remove the mask—nothing can occurnowto prevent our happiness—and youshallknow who and what I am—I am burning with impatience to tell you——Miss Mea.(Interrupting.)I hope you are what you have seemed to be; if you arenotpoor, I shall never love you; if you are not the indigent struggling creature I have believed you to be, there is an end of all—there shall be no marriage—no love in a cottage—no second floor in London—I have done with you for ever.Che.Hear me, Jessy.Miss Mea.Well, I will hear you—step this way—in the garden we shall be free from interruption; and there, when you have told me the whole truth, if I discover that you have deceived me—I—I shall break my heart with vexation.[ExeuntF.E.L.Dam.(R.) What is the matter with them, I wonder—quarrelling of course—all that the men and women seem to have to do when they get together—all that they are fit for I know. Now, madam, for our affair—to-morrow morning, the ceremony over, you go to my house.Miss Mac.(L.) If I please.Dam.Indeed! Now as I naturally do not wish to receive more punishment than my crime, as a matter of course, will bring with it, tell me who and what you are.Miss Mac.A lady! What are you?Dam.A gentleman.Miss Mac.Independent?Dam.Seven hundred a year. You are without a sixpence, of course?—hope you are—extravagant, I dare say, then I shall soon be a beggar.Miss Mac.I am happy to say, sir, that I need never require your help in pecuniary matters.Dam.Sorry for it. Many relations? I hope you have an army of poor ones—thatwillserve me right.Miss Mac.I have not, sir.Dam.Dear me, I am afraid I shall be too comfortable. How old are you?Miss Mac.That is a question, sir, that no woman can ever pardon being put to her. Your other insulting queries Ireplied to at once, and rather admired the brutal spirit that prompted them, than felt annoyed at their utter want of feeling. But to ask a woman her age! ’Tis a sin, sir—’tis giving encouragement to lying; for a man is assured, when he putsthatquestion, he can never be told the truth.Dam.Ha! ha! This is delicious—this is a foretaste of my approaching bliss—this is a gleam of the light of happiness that is in future to shine full upon me. Oh!—what it’s your weak side, eh? I’m delighted to have discovered it—when we are married I’ll ask the question every night and morning during our bitter honey-moon.Miss Mac.You shall be disappointed, sir; we are not yet man and wife—I knew you to be a brute; but I never thought you a fool—and the latter character is one that I rather pity than despise. To pity you would be to admit a feeling akin to love, and any approach to love for you, would be to admit an affection for a bear, or a rhinoceros, or any other monstrosity of nature. No, sir! I have now done with you—find some other female to worry—Miss Maria Macaw leaves you to your single blessedness.[ExitF.E.L.Dam.Is she in earnest now, or is this some little specimen of antique coquetry? After having made up my mind to make a woman miserable, I should not like to be disappointed: I had set my heart upon worrying a wife to death—to have some one to vent all my ill-humours upon—to snarl at—to find fault with—to be angry when she was pleased, and pleased only when she was angry—and to thwart and vex continually—I should have revelled in such a life, and have been delighted in letting every one see what a wretched state is the married one. She can’t mean it—Oh, no—no—’tis but one of the coquettish arts of her artful sex—I’ll retaliate—I’ll call upon Miss Skylark or some other woman, and take her on my arm to this party, to-night—I’llbe a coquette—amalecoquette—and fight her with her own weapons.Re-enterCHESTER;he paces the stage,DAMPERfollowing him. Crosses toR.Che.Oh! the perversity of womankind: I thought she would have been surprised and delighted at the intelligence that I had wooed and won her under a false appearance, that instead of a struggling life of poverty, I could offer her one of wealth and comfort, and that my reason for such concealment was, that I might find one who would love me for myself alone. Why should she be angry? Why should she hear me with such indignation? Oh! woman—woman!Dam.A diabolical sex, isn’t it, sir? I always said so—nobody would believeme—no one heededmywords—but now you’ll be a proselyte to creed, wont you?Che.I’ll go to the manor house——Dam.So will I.Che.With another——Dam.That’s whatIintend to do.Che.If I can find a lady to accompany me.Dam.Let us go out together and pick up the first pair we can meet—you choose the youngest, I the oldest. Take my arm—there are two or three women in this town that I hate mortally, we’ll call on them—I’ll introduce you, and we’ll take our choice.Che.I thought to see her face beam with delight.Dam.One never can tell how they intend to look.Che.Oh, Jessy!Dam.Oh, Maria!Che.Oh, woman! perverse——Dam.Artful——Che.Capricious——Dam.Never-know-where-to-have-’em woman![ExeuntD.F.SCENE II.—An Inn Parlour—Two chairs.EnterMISSCOY,F.E.L.Miss C.I am glad I have resolved to go to London. Now, while they are changing horses, let me collect my thoughts. Oh, dear, my misfortunes seem to come all at once—my agent absconded—my match with Mr. Niggle broken off—every body scandalizing me.—I am not sorry that I discovered the villiany of my agent before I had called in another to share my troubles—Mr. Niggle then would have been justified in supposing that I had inveigled him into marriage—that mortification, at least, is spared me.NIGGLE,without,F.E.L.Nig.Let the chaise remain at the door.Miss C.Ha! ’tis his voice—he has followed me, perhaps, to beg me to return with him; but I will not—a reconciliation is now hopeless.EnterNIGGLE,F.E.L.Nig.Caroline, dear Caroline.Miss C.Why, sir, have you followed me? If you were to repent your conduct to me ever so sincerely, I have told you that an obstacle to our union now exists, which cannot be removed.Nig.I know it, dear, I know it, your obstacle is nothing to what my obstacle was; that is removed, and yours, I am sure, can soon be put aside. But on one thing I am resolved—you don’t go to London.Miss C.I must, sir, and will.Nig.I’ve told the coachman, the inside lady passenger don’t go on.Miss C.Have you dared to take such a liberty? I must call out and contradict you.[She attempts to cross to theL.,NIGGLEstops her.Nig.Hear me, pray, hear me, I have treated you ill, I confess; but I have longed to make every reparation. I was so bewildered, my feelings were so tossed, this way and that, on a sea of doubt, that I knew not how to guide them; but now I am determined—take me while my resolution is strong within me—do—do—fix me—Iwantto be fixed—there can be no wavering then—it will be done. Let me slide the ring on your finger—you throw the collar over my neck and make me a married man—do, do; I don’t feel respectable as I am. Pray consent; the evil genius that controlled me is exorcised—I am free—Damper himself is in the toils—Ha! ha! he’s caught, and I can now flirt where I please, love where I please, and marry where I please.Miss C.Well, sir, take advantage of your emancipation, I beg.Nig.I will, and carry you back with me.Miss C.No.Nig.You mean “yes,” I must take your negative as an affirmative, you pervert your mother tongue, you know you do. Come, come, whatever you are, whether penniless, a female adventurer, a scheming widow with a family of full grown young men about you, I puff all such obstacles into the air; and, in spite of the worst, am ready to marry.Miss C.Let me pass you.(Crosses toL.)Nig.What’s the matter?Miss C.The coach has gone off without me.Nig.It has, it has. Now you are in my power.Miss C.Well, sir, I may be compelled to return with you; but the moment I arrive at home you must leave me. Were I not in the dilemma that I am, I might forgive you; but I should loose respect for myself were I now to listen to you, I can bear my troubles as I have born my recent mortification, alone and in silence.(Crying.)Nig.(Crying.)Oh! what a woman I have lost—what a heroine—how she would have decided all my actions. Caroline, have pity.Miss C.No. Take me home and leave me.Nig.Give me hope.Miss C.No.Nig.One kind word.Miss C.I wont.Nig.(Taking a paper from his pocket-book.)Here, here isthe licence, dear, look at it—read it—it may turn your heart.[MISSCOYtakes the licence from his hand, tears it, throws it at his feet, and walks off with great dignity.NIGGLEtakes up the pieces in dismay.Nig.That’s a decided negative. When a woman tears up the licence there can be no hope.[Exit followingMISSCOY.SCENE III.—An apartment atMISSSNARE’S—A glass door at the back—A screen on theL.—Two chairs.EnterPINKEYandBOSS,D.F.Boss.Now, my man, youmustmake up your mind, you can’t be in finer order for popping the question; you have just finished your three pints of claret, your lady has this moment called with Damper and the mysterious gentleman that tea’d here yesterday, and you can’t have a better opportunity.Pin.(A little elevated.)I’m sure I can’t, I feel quite brimful of words, overflowing with good three, four, and five-syllable, words. Lord, I think I could now stand on my legs and talk for an hour or two without stopping for breath. I only want the subject matter.Boss.You can’t have a more inspiring theme than your love for your lady.Pin.You and Miss Snare talk a great deal together; I’ve heard you when you didn’t know it. What do you talk about? Tell me, do—some people always seem to have to say so much to one another, that I can’t, for the life of me, make out what they can have converse upon.Boss.You would gain little by knowing what passes betweenus.Pin.Why?Boss.We merely admire each other’s good qualities.Pin.As much as to say, I’ve none for anybody to admire—I understand you—but I have though.Boss.Oh, no doubt. You may be hiding your candle under a bushel.Pin.That’s it—Ihavea light—I feel I have a light, I’m only afraid, if I attempt to show it, it will go out.[MISSSKYLARKis heard singing.Boss.She’s coming, I’ll leave you together.Pin.Oh, don’t, I am not quite ready; that is, I don’t feel quite so desperate as I did just now.Boss.Come, come, pop at once; and then, like a conquering hero, take her on your arm to this party that we are all invited to.We have arranged the opportunity for you, step behind this screen.Pin.Why?Boss.It’s necessary.Pin.Do all people step behind screens when they propose to marry?Boss.Too many, I’m afraid.Pin.Ah! but matrimony soon kicks the screen down, don’t it? I wish we could be married without this awful ceremony of proposing. Why can’t people make telegraphic signs? what a deal of trouble it would save.[MISSSNARE,heard without.Miss Sna.Step this way, my dear.[BOSSputsPINKEYbehind the screen.MISSSKYLARKenters followingMISSSNARE,D.F.Miss Sky.For what?Miss Sna.Ah! Mr. Narcissus, I was looking for you.(She beckons toBOSS.)Take a seat for one moment, I beg.[MISSSKYLARKsits;BOSSandMISSSNARErun offD.F.; BOSSlocks the door, holds up the key, and disappears.Miss Sky.What is the meaning of this? The door locked upon me. Miss Snare!(Calling at the door.)Let me out, I’m so nervous when I’m in a room by myself, pray, let me out.(Coming forward.)Very strange conduct, to ask me to step into this room, and then turn the key upon me. What can it mean?[PINKEYsighs, very audibly, behind the screen.Miss Sky.(Alarmed.)Oh! what’s that? it seems like the groan of a criminal full of remorse: surely no one can be in the room. I thought the sound came from behind that screen. Hem!(Coughs.)I wish I could get courage to peep.[She sings to gain courage—passing cautiously behind the screen.PINKEY,at the same time, comes round in front, then takes his place at the back of it as she re-appears.No one is there—there are no closets—no other door than that. I’m getting frightened, upon my honor I am—it must have been my fancy. Well, all I can do is to sit quiet till my friends are disposed to set me at liberty. I really feel inclined to scream.[She sits in the chair.PINKEYcomes forward, and gently places a chair by the side of her.Pin.Hem![She screams and falls on her knees.DAMPER, MISSSNARE, BOSSandCHESTER,are seen watching them through the glass door.Miss Sky.Oh! what’s that?—I can’t look I’m sure its something frightful.Pin.(Falling on his knees beside her.)Now for it, I’m at high popping pressure. Angelic creature—dearest of women—I love you to distraction—I shall never be happy without you, you are necessary to my life—I never loved anybody but you—nevercanlove anybody but you—I’ve got four hundred a year, an uncle with a row of houses, and an aunt with money in the bank—I’m the only nephew—I’m in both their wills—you are all to me, Oh, that I were all to you—in short—in fact—in a few words—will you be mine? There!Miss Sky.(Recovers herself during his speech and rises.)No.Pin.Oh, good gracious! You don’t mean it?Miss Sky.I do, sir, I have heard of you; you proposed to another lady last night.Pin.Oh, so I did.Miss Sky.You confess it, do you; and, because you were rejected there, sir, you have summoned all the courage you are capable of to address me.Pin.Let me explain.Miss Sky.Monster, away.[PINKEY,terrified, jumps up, runs to the door and calls out.Pin.Let me out, pray, let me out; I’ve popped and it’s no use. Let me out.[They hold the door fast laughing atPINKEY; BOSS,at length opens it;PINKEYdarts out;MISSSNARE, BOSS,andDAMPERenter.Miss Sna.(R.) What is the matter, have you refused him?Miss Sky.(C.) Certainly. As I was coming here I met Miss Macaw, and it appears that Mr. Pinkey actually proposed to her last night.Dam.(L.) Proposed to her!Miss Sky.And she asked me, if I should meet him, to say that she particularly wishes to see him this evening. Could you have thought it?Ishall not give him any further encouragement. Who next will he propose to, I wonder?Dam.Oho! my lady’s coquetry is now accounted for. What a sex it is! the more I associate with it, the more I discover to detest in it. Miss Skylark, next to Miss Macaw, I dislike you more than any woman I know. I am going to aparty—I am priviledged to take a lady. Will you accept my arm?Miss Sky.To the manor-house?Dam.Yes.Miss Sky.I should like very much to go. I am so curious to discover who it is that shows such an anxiety to make our acquaintance.Dam.Take my arm. (MISSSKYLARKtakesDAMPER’Sarm.)That I should ever be walking with a woman in this way. Well, one can only obtain a knowledge of a pestilence by boldly venturing where it rages. Come, of course I am to be annoyed all the way there by your horrible singing propensity.Miss Sky.(Sings.)“Oh, come with me, my love,And our fairy home shall beWhere the water spirits rove,In the deep, deep sea.”[DAMPERlooks savagely at her as they go off,D.F.Boss.Really, the courting people seem all to be getting to cross purposes! Ah, there is nothing like a platonic affection, is there, Miss Snare?Miss Sna.I have no faith in platonic affections.Boss.No!Miss Sna.We might as well think of playing at snow-balls in July. The ice-cellar of propriety may yield the snow, but the moment it becomes exposed to the warm air of temptation, it dissolves into its original liquid!Boss.’Pon my life you’re a philosopher in petticoats—you certainly wear a hoop from the tub of Diogenes!Miss Sna.Oh, flatterer.Boss.Fact, really.Miss Sna.I trust that I possess the candle of the sage, and have used it with more success than he did.Boss.How?Miss Sna.That with its light I have discovered in you, not only an honest, but an elegant man.(Crosses toL.)Boss.You’re a divinity!Miss Sna.Oh!Boss.You are; and as I am no stoic, I must have a kiss.(Offers to kiss her.)Miss Sna.(Repulsing him with great dignity.)Sir, that is a liberty I donotallow—there are certain bounds to familiarity, which once passed, we are in the highway of contempt. We have merely been friends, not lovers. You could not venture on a greater piece of indecorum, even after an accepted proposal! Good evening sir![ExitD.F., courtesying.Boss.How very odd! This is the effect of dining with Pinkey, and yielding to a generous impulse. I hope she’s not seriously offended—hang it, I shall be wretched without her;for I have never before felt so at home and so perfectly amused, as I have been in her society. What can it mean? very strange. The fact is, I think the womenarepleasant creatures after all; and I’ve not been sufficiently alive to their qualities! I’ll try another—I’ll see who else I can take to this party—must have a lady on my arm it seems. Perhaps Miss Snare will forgive me. If she’s in her parlour, I’ll tap at the door, and threaten to cut my throat if she don’t; for upon my life I feel miserable enough to do it—fact!(Takes out a pocket glass and adjusts his hair.)No, I couldn’t!(Regarding himself in the glass.)No, my fine fellow—now I look at you again, under no circumstances could I dothat!(Admiring himself.)Upon my soul I couldn’t—it would be a pity! No, no, don’t be afraid, my man, I’ll take every care of you, as long as I live.[ExitD.F.SCENE IV.—An elegant apartment at the manor-house, lighted with candleabras, &c. Folding doors at the back. Five tables with writing paper on each, and ten chairs; two tables on each side, one in the centre, with writing materials on it. A letter on pink paper lying on the first table,L.EnterNIGGLE,withMISSMEADOWSon his arm,C.D.Nig.Well, here I am, and with a lady, according to the terms of my invitation. Oh, Miss Meadows, if I had not encountered you, I must have come here alone. We are the first pair that have arrived, I see. Oh, miss, I am a miserable man.Miss Mea.Is your lady inexorable?Nig.She is indeed. I brought her back in the chaise, but she sat up in a corner all the way, and never uttered a word. I have no hope now of ever being married! Willyouhave me? Think of it,do—wemightbe happy—and I’ll make one more effort for matrimony, if I go from street to street, knock at every door, and ask if there is any lady within who would not object to marry a respectable, middle-aged gentleman—of amiable temper, great sensibility, and small fortune![They sit at the front table on theL.CHESTERenters withMISSSNAREon his arm,C.D.Miss Sna.How very strange there is no one to receive us. Ah, Mr. Niggle!Nig.How is it that Boss is not with you?Miss Sna.A little disagreement; and as this gentleman had called at my house, he politely offered to bring me here, as I expressed an anxiety to see our new neighbour.[They sit at the front table on theR.BOSSenters, withMISSCOYon his arm,C.D.Nig.There she is—inclined to marry Boss, no doubt.Miss Sna.Surely he is not going to throw himself away on Miss Coy.Shecan never appreciate him, I’m sure.Boss.(ToMISSCOY.)Fortunate I called on you, as you were anxious to come.Miss C.Pray conduct me to a seat.[BOSSconducts her to a chair at the second table on theR.DAMPERandMISSSKYLARKenter, arm-in-arm, back.Dam.Oh! pretty well all arrived, eh? and everybody looking as miserable as they deserve to be! Well, who is it that has asked us here?Nig.I don’t know.Boss.Nor I.Dam.(ToMISSSKYLARK.)Sit down.Miss Sky.I will.(Aside.)What an incorrigible brute it is![They sit at the second table on theL.EnterPINKEYandMISSMACAW,arm-in-arm,C.D.Miss Sky.Indeed! bringsherhere—I was quite right to reject him!Dam.(Looking atMISSMACAW.)I wish she was my wife—I’d wring her heart for this!Pin.How d’ye do, all of you? Now, my dear Miss Macaw, pray take a chair—I shall be distressed if I neglect any attention that you may look for!Miss Sky.Dear me, how gallant—I’ll coquet with Mr. Damper!Miss Mea.’Tis very strange that no one appears to receive us.All.(To each other, and with great coquetry.)Very, very strange! Don’t you think so?Miss Mea.What is this? A letter! and directed “From, the lady of the house to Mr. Pinkey.”(Taking up the pink letter on the table.)Pin.To me![PINKEYrises in alarm,MISSMEADOWShands him the letter.Pin.(Reading.)“From the lady of the house to——” Oh, dear, what can it be about?Boss.A love letter, perhaps.All.Read it—read it!Pin.(Opens the letter and reads; they all rise and surround him.)“The lady of the house hearing that her new neighbours have formed attachments that only require a little decision and a good example to end in matrimony, has invited them topropose, that each person shall write on a slip of paper the name of the party that he or she could be most happy with for life, and where there may be a mutuality to marry accordingly.All.How strange—how odd!Nig.Hush! Go on.All.Go on.Pin.(Continuing.)“When the selections are made and announced, let each gentleman fall gallantly on his knee to the object of his choice, and at that moment the lady of the house will appear.” There, now, what’s to be done?Nig.The lady’s command must of course be obeyed!All.Certainly—certainly.Dam.Aha! Aha! Now Hymen’s torch is indeed blazing away in the midst of us. Burn your wings, ye infatuated moths, do! Bob blindly into the flame, and experience all the agonies I have long pictured to you—I’ll set you the example! Here—here is paper—pens too! Write—write—and seal your miseries![DAMPERgoes to the centre table, and supplies the group with writing paper; they take pens, go to the tables where they were before seated, and write, looking towards the object of their choice.Dam.Have you done?All.Yes, yes.Dam.Place your papers on this table—the women bythemselves, the gentlemen bythemselves—I’ll officiate as parish clerk and publish what banns I may![The ladies place their papers on one side of the centre table—the gentlemen on the other. All retire to their places.Dam.(At the table.)Silence!(He selects two papers.)“John Niggle, Caroline Coy.” Now for Caroline Coy—the choice is mutual—’tis John Niggle. Are you agreed?Nig.Do you relent? Am I to be so happy? I cannot fluctuate now—forgive me—say but the word, and I am in your arms!Miss C.As I have received a promise of help in my difficulties, I can’t refuse you!Dam.Miserable being, go to your lady!Nig.(Running toMISSCOYand embracing her.)Happy man that I am, how can I express my joy?Miss C.By your silence.[DAMPERselects two other slips.Dam.“Narcissus Boss, Sarah Snare.” The lady’s choice is fixed upon the same gentleman. Are you agreed?Boss.Do you forgive me?Dam.What has he done?Miss Sna.If I must confess, he attempted to salute me, before making a formal declaration!All.Oh, Boss, for shame!Boss.Upon my life ’twas a mere grateful impulse.Miss Sna.All the improprieties of life are impulses.Dam.Make up your mind at once—Boss lives upon flattery, and Miss wants a husband—you can’t be better paired! Infatuated man, go to your lady![BOSScrosses toMISSSNAREand kisses her hand—DAMPERselects two more papers.Dam.(Reading.)“Peter Pinkey could be happy for life with Miss Skylark”—miss ditto, with ditto gentleman.Nig.Come Pinkey, speak out—the dumb would find words at such a moment!Pin.Oh, bless you, I have been finding too many words—I said all that was necessary, but was rejected!Miss Sky.Because you had proposed to another.Pin.Upon my honor it was a mistake. In a bewildered moment Ididdo so; but I thought it was to you!Miss Sky.(Looking atMISSMACAW.)It is not a very hard matter to believe you!Dam.Silly boy, go to your choice. You’re young—there’s a fine long life of wretchedness in store foryou!Pin.(Running to her.)What do you say?Miss Sky.(Singing.)“No more by sorrow chased my heart.”Dam.Silence, woman!(Reading papers.)“Charles Chester, Jessy Meadows.” Miss Meadows is of the same opinion.Che.Will you take your poor artist?Miss Mea.I am sorry that you have deceived me—I would rather that you were the humble being you first professed you were——Che.You shall yet have your wish. To please you I will even consent to be poor.(ToMISSCOY.)Aunt Caroline!Nig.Aunt Caroline! Are you her nephew?Che.I am, sir. At the hazard of her own happiness, almost at the risk of her good name, she kept a secret that I required of her—I made a promise a short time since that I would replace the income she has been deprived of by her agent, and Iwilldo so; therefore, sir,(ToNIGGLE.)you do not marry a penniless woman, whilst I by impoverishing myself, gratify the object of my choice!Dam.Madman! go take your fate by the hand, and commence your sad career![CHESTERcrosses toMISSMEADOWS—DAMPERreads the last papers.All.The last couple—now for the last couple!Dam.“David Damper, Maria Macaw—Maria Macaw, David Damper.” Eh, what d’ye think of that? Come to me, fright!(ToMISSMACAW.)Miss Mac.(Crossing to him.)Object! I obey you.Dam.Now isn’t it noble of us to form a marriage, for which none of you can guess the inducement?All.(ButMISSMACAW.)Noble! noble!Dam.You wonder what we can see in each other, don’t you? Never mind—though we don’t begin by thinking that we can’t live asunder, we may not find out, as you will, that it is impossible to live together. We are united but for one object, to worry one another; and if we fail in that object, perhaps we may be the happiest couple amongst you.Miss Mac.Nothingcanannoy me but one question; and that is being asked my age!Miss Mea.Did he ever dare to put that question to you?Miss Mac.He did.All.Oh, shame!Dam.Well, well, never mind, Miss Macaw—the older you grow, the more your beauties will become developed. You are like the great American Aloe, by the time you’re a hundred years old, you’ll be in full bloom! eh? Ha! ha! Now, down on our knees, poor wretches that we are![All the gentlemen drop on one knee to their respective ladies.Dam.Now—now for the mystery—now for the lady of the house! Where is she?Miss Mea.Here, sir!All.(The gentlemen rising.)You!Che.You, Jessy!Miss Mea.I am the lady of this house; and you, sir, have promised to marry the object of your aversion—an heiress. To avoid the importunities of heartless fortune-hunters, and in the hope to be loved for myself alone, I have resided at the cottage adjacent with my worthy relative in seclusion. Now you can comprehend my indignation, when I discovered that you were using the same means that I had selected, to gain my future happiness.Che.And youshallbe happy, if my affection can make you so. I have seen the errors of married men, and will avoid them; you shall be treated with that attention that you are entitled to demand. I will neither harrass you with ill-temper, render you miserable by dissipation, nor insult you by slighting your society; but strive with all my heart to make you as happy as I am sure you deserve to be.Dam.Oh, mighty fine, mighty fine—you’ll tell a differentstory in a few months! Oh! what an unhappy set of wretches we shall all be shortly!Listen while I your miseries rehearse,Prose can’t express them, I must speak in verse!Miss Coy.Pray hold your tongue—yourarguments can’t shake us,’Tis time for troubles when they overtake us;Those who meet coming miseries half way,Deserve to have them——Niggle.That I’ve tried to sayA dozen times when I have been debatingWhether to wed or not——Miss Meadows.Your fluctuatingIs over now; for lo! a happy brideIs wooed and won, and smiling by your side!Damper.Poor wretch! anticipation strikes him mute!Miss Macaw.Dry your wet blanket do, ungenial brute!Ifyourcold bosom no warm spark inherits,Is this a time to damp their ardent spirits?Boss.Oh! let him say his worst, he’s harmless now—Miss Snare to Boss.Toyourdecision every one must bow!Boss.Dear soul,mychoice I never shall regret;Miss Skylark, (aside.)Self love and flattery ne’er quarrell’d yet!What sayyou, sir?(To Pinkey.)Pinkey.My lot in life is cast,Now I’ve the rubicon of popping past.Chester.I mean to prove, when passion may decline,That love and matrimonycancombine!Miss Skylark (singing).Then “Life let us cherish while yet the taper glows;”Damper.Pray stop that lady—let me have reposeTo point a moral.(Advancing to the audience.)Ah! I see you two;Young man desist, you know not what you do;Take my advice, retract in time, forbear—You’re making love to that young woman there!Ah! you may look—heis,hisfate is clear,Unless he’s warn’d by what he’s witnessed here.Pinkey, interfering.Hush! don’t—it’s delicate—like me, he mayHave borne his love in silence many a day,And I’ve a question(To the audience)I must pop toyou:I’m half ashamed, upon my life it’s true;But will you, as I mean to take a wife,Forgive the errors of my Single Life?THE END.Disposition of Characters.(From R. to L.) BOSS. SNARE. COY. NIG. DAM. MAC. PIN. SKY. CHE. MEA.“NASSAU STEAM PRESS,”W. S. JOHNSON, NASSAU STREET, SOHO.
ACT III.SCENE I.—The cottage—same as first scene of second act—Chairs, tables as before.MISSMEADOWS,L.andCHESTER,R.,discovered.Che.Now, Jessy, I think we clearly understand each other?Miss Mea.Perfectly. We agree to marry with a mystery hanging over each of us. My poor aunt and I, through our retired mode of living, are supposed to be very suspicious persons, and yet you are ready and willing to give me your hand, let me turn out to be what I may?Che.For better or for worse, in every sense of the word.Miss Mea.And I undertake to be equally as rash in accepting you.Che.We shall gain one point by this blind bargain—we are assured that we love one another for ourselves alone.Miss Mea.Ah! how charming is that assurance—and how miserable to possess wealth, attracting a train of suitors with not one sincere, disinterested heart amongst them.Che.Poor as I am, an heiress is my aversion—not that money lowers the worth of woman; but that its worshippers pervert her understanding, harden her heart, and teach her a false estimate of herself.Miss Mea.Give me love in a cottage.Che.Or a second floor in London, amongst several layers of lodgers.Miss Mea.Ah! charming.Che.Two knocks and a ring for the artist—then to think of painting portraits of people so atrociously ugly, that it is more than one’s poor half guinea is worth not to flatter them. To roam through Battersea or Walworth in search of the picturesque, till a stroke of fortune promotes one to the situation of drawing master to some suburban academy.Miss Mea.Oh, delightful! to walk twenty miles twice a week for as many pounds per annum. And what mustIdo?Imust not be idle—I’ll commence milliner—trim caps—fabricate flounces, and wait upon fantastical ladies with patterns of the last new toque—and with my needlework and your painting—my industry and your enthusiasm—we shall be happy—I am sure we shall!EnterMISSMACAW,F.E.L.Good day, aunt, we have not had the pleasure of seeing you since your return home last night—it was very kind of that barbarian, Mr. Damper, to escort you to the door—I saw him leave you from my window.Miss Mac.’Twas no more than the creature’s duty.Miss Mea.His duty!Miss Mac.You have often heard me declare that my aversion to the male sex was so great, that the man who could be bold enough to propose to me, with the prospect of misery that must be his portion in the union, I would accept him instantly—now Mr. Damper——Miss Mea.}} What?Che.}Miss Mac.Mr. Damper has said that he hates me sufficiently to marry me; and, as the passion is mutual, I have taken him at his word—to-morrow morning I change my name.Miss Mea.So soon, aunt?Miss Mac.If you are surprised at our haste, you must consider that we have little of life’s time to lose; and, what in you would be indelicate precipitancy, with us, is but common prudence.Miss Mea.Are you serious, aunt?Miss Mac.Matrimony is not a subject to jest upon, whatever may be your notions of the important engagement.Miss Mea.Bless me!EnterNIGGLE,D.F.,in haste.Nig.(ToCHESTER.)Young man, where’s your mother? Pray excuse me—I mean the lady—the relation—the friend—though I care not who she may be—you know the person I mean.Che.Miss Coy?Nig.Yes—I have been in search of her every where—all last night—all to-day—Daphne never led Apollo such a chase as that dear creature has given me.Che.For what?Nig.To tell her that I can’t live without her—to tell her that my anti-matrimonial persuader is removed—that I’m a free man, and that I wish to marry her immediately—and repair the wrong that I have done her at once—before my connubial furor may again fluctuate.Che.She is gone——Nig.Gone! Where?Che.To London!Nig.Ah, my cruelty has driven her there.Che.That, and the flight of an agent, to whose care she had entrusted her property.Nig.Eh! what? flight of an agent—is she then in distress?—without a penny?Che.’Tis feared so, sir.Nig.Huzza! That was the obstacle she alluded to—that is the reason she has avoided me—I am glad of it—I have now an opportunity of proving the disinterestedness of my passion for her. [DAMPERappearsF.D.] Oh, madam(ToMISSMACAW.)—what do I not owe to you? ’Tis you—you have removed this incubus—’Tisyouthat have spurred this nightmare from my bosom, to take him to your own. Generous woman, let me embrace you.[He warmly embracesMISSMACAW,who rises with great indignation.Miss Mac.Sir! how dare you? The first time that I ever was embraced by a man in my life! How dare you, sir, take that liberty? Had I been aware of your indecorous intention I should have slapped your face—I would, sir—Ugh! the sensation is more repulsive than I ever imagined it to be.Nig.My dear madam—my gratitude was so——Dam.(Coming between them.)John! John!—you must learn to suppress such grateful feelings—my miseries are beginning already. Before the knot is actually tied, another is kissing my intended wife.Nig.Then let me get one of my own, and never again will I be under such an obligation to you—I could not controul my grateful impulse—but I am wasting time, I must follow my fate immediately.Dam.Where are you going?Nig.To bring back the dear creature whose feelings I have so trifled with, and make an instant reparation by following your example.(Going.)Dam.Stop, stop!Nig.Pray don’t attempt to shake my resolution—I wont hear you.Dam.I but wish to exact one promise from you.Nig.What is it?Dam.That you will give my arguments fair play, that you wont marry till I have been a wretched man a month.Nig.Don’t exact the promise—pray don’t—it may be years before I am again in such a marrying mood. I’ll return—I will, indeed—pray wish me success—but I don’t despair—I feel quite an ardent lover again. Though I am not running away with a lady I am running after one—eh?—Ha! ha!—good bye. Now for a post chaise and a hot pursuit—for a last attack on this formidable castle of connubiality, or death in its trenches.[ExitD.F.Dam.Poor man—poor man.Che.Ihave also received an invitation to this manor-house, with a request to bring a lady on my arm.Dam.So have I—of course I must takeyou.(ToMISSMACAW.)Miss Mac.What lady elseoughtyou to take, sir?Che.Who is the party residing there?Dam.I don’t know; the house has been shut up for some time—it has undergone complete repair—new furniture from London has been seen going in—a set of servants are there, but who the party is that has invited me, I neither know nor care to know.[Goes up the stage, followed byMISSMACAW.Che.Let us leave this loving couple to themselves—will you accompany me to this Manor house to-night?Miss Mea.Certainly, if you wish for my society.Che.Wish for your society!—Jessy—I must now remove the mask—nothing can occurnowto prevent our happiness—and youshallknow who and what I am—I am burning with impatience to tell you——Miss Mea.(Interrupting.)I hope you are what you have seemed to be; if you arenotpoor, I shall never love you; if you are not the indigent struggling creature I have believed you to be, there is an end of all—there shall be no marriage—no love in a cottage—no second floor in London—I have done with you for ever.Che.Hear me, Jessy.Miss Mea.Well, I will hear you—step this way—in the garden we shall be free from interruption; and there, when you have told me the whole truth, if I discover that you have deceived me—I—I shall break my heart with vexation.[ExeuntF.E.L.Dam.(R.) What is the matter with them, I wonder—quarrelling of course—all that the men and women seem to have to do when they get together—all that they are fit for I know. Now, madam, for our affair—to-morrow morning, the ceremony over, you go to my house.Miss Mac.(L.) If I please.Dam.Indeed! Now as I naturally do not wish to receive more punishment than my crime, as a matter of course, will bring with it, tell me who and what you are.Miss Mac.A lady! What are you?Dam.A gentleman.Miss Mac.Independent?Dam.Seven hundred a year. You are without a sixpence, of course?—hope you are—extravagant, I dare say, then I shall soon be a beggar.Miss Mac.I am happy to say, sir, that I need never require your help in pecuniary matters.Dam.Sorry for it. Many relations? I hope you have an army of poor ones—thatwillserve me right.Miss Mac.I have not, sir.Dam.Dear me, I am afraid I shall be too comfortable. How old are you?Miss Mac.That is a question, sir, that no woman can ever pardon being put to her. Your other insulting queries Ireplied to at once, and rather admired the brutal spirit that prompted them, than felt annoyed at their utter want of feeling. But to ask a woman her age! ’Tis a sin, sir—’tis giving encouragement to lying; for a man is assured, when he putsthatquestion, he can never be told the truth.Dam.Ha! ha! This is delicious—this is a foretaste of my approaching bliss—this is a gleam of the light of happiness that is in future to shine full upon me. Oh!—what it’s your weak side, eh? I’m delighted to have discovered it—when we are married I’ll ask the question every night and morning during our bitter honey-moon.Miss Mac.You shall be disappointed, sir; we are not yet man and wife—I knew you to be a brute; but I never thought you a fool—and the latter character is one that I rather pity than despise. To pity you would be to admit a feeling akin to love, and any approach to love for you, would be to admit an affection for a bear, or a rhinoceros, or any other monstrosity of nature. No, sir! I have now done with you—find some other female to worry—Miss Maria Macaw leaves you to your single blessedness.[ExitF.E.L.Dam.Is she in earnest now, or is this some little specimen of antique coquetry? After having made up my mind to make a woman miserable, I should not like to be disappointed: I had set my heart upon worrying a wife to death—to have some one to vent all my ill-humours upon—to snarl at—to find fault with—to be angry when she was pleased, and pleased only when she was angry—and to thwart and vex continually—I should have revelled in such a life, and have been delighted in letting every one see what a wretched state is the married one. She can’t mean it—Oh, no—no—’tis but one of the coquettish arts of her artful sex—I’ll retaliate—I’ll call upon Miss Skylark or some other woman, and take her on my arm to this party, to-night—I’llbe a coquette—amalecoquette—and fight her with her own weapons.Re-enterCHESTER;he paces the stage,DAMPERfollowing him. Crosses toR.Che.Oh! the perversity of womankind: I thought she would have been surprised and delighted at the intelligence that I had wooed and won her under a false appearance, that instead of a struggling life of poverty, I could offer her one of wealth and comfort, and that my reason for such concealment was, that I might find one who would love me for myself alone. Why should she be angry? Why should she hear me with such indignation? Oh! woman—woman!Dam.A diabolical sex, isn’t it, sir? I always said so—nobody would believeme—no one heededmywords—but now you’ll be a proselyte to creed, wont you?Che.I’ll go to the manor house——Dam.So will I.Che.With another——Dam.That’s whatIintend to do.Che.If I can find a lady to accompany me.Dam.Let us go out together and pick up the first pair we can meet—you choose the youngest, I the oldest. Take my arm—there are two or three women in this town that I hate mortally, we’ll call on them—I’ll introduce you, and we’ll take our choice.Che.I thought to see her face beam with delight.Dam.One never can tell how they intend to look.Che.Oh, Jessy!Dam.Oh, Maria!Che.Oh, woman! perverse——Dam.Artful——Che.Capricious——Dam.Never-know-where-to-have-’em woman![ExeuntD.F.SCENE II.—An Inn Parlour—Two chairs.EnterMISSCOY,F.E.L.Miss C.I am glad I have resolved to go to London. Now, while they are changing horses, let me collect my thoughts. Oh, dear, my misfortunes seem to come all at once—my agent absconded—my match with Mr. Niggle broken off—every body scandalizing me.—I am not sorry that I discovered the villiany of my agent before I had called in another to share my troubles—Mr. Niggle then would have been justified in supposing that I had inveigled him into marriage—that mortification, at least, is spared me.NIGGLE,without,F.E.L.Nig.Let the chaise remain at the door.Miss C.Ha! ’tis his voice—he has followed me, perhaps, to beg me to return with him; but I will not—a reconciliation is now hopeless.EnterNIGGLE,F.E.L.Nig.Caroline, dear Caroline.Miss C.Why, sir, have you followed me? If you were to repent your conduct to me ever so sincerely, I have told you that an obstacle to our union now exists, which cannot be removed.Nig.I know it, dear, I know it, your obstacle is nothing to what my obstacle was; that is removed, and yours, I am sure, can soon be put aside. But on one thing I am resolved—you don’t go to London.Miss C.I must, sir, and will.Nig.I’ve told the coachman, the inside lady passenger don’t go on.Miss C.Have you dared to take such a liberty? I must call out and contradict you.[She attempts to cross to theL.,NIGGLEstops her.Nig.Hear me, pray, hear me, I have treated you ill, I confess; but I have longed to make every reparation. I was so bewildered, my feelings were so tossed, this way and that, on a sea of doubt, that I knew not how to guide them; but now I am determined—take me while my resolution is strong within me—do—do—fix me—Iwantto be fixed—there can be no wavering then—it will be done. Let me slide the ring on your finger—you throw the collar over my neck and make me a married man—do, do; I don’t feel respectable as I am. Pray consent; the evil genius that controlled me is exorcised—I am free—Damper himself is in the toils—Ha! ha! he’s caught, and I can now flirt where I please, love where I please, and marry where I please.Miss C.Well, sir, take advantage of your emancipation, I beg.Nig.I will, and carry you back with me.Miss C.No.Nig.You mean “yes,” I must take your negative as an affirmative, you pervert your mother tongue, you know you do. Come, come, whatever you are, whether penniless, a female adventurer, a scheming widow with a family of full grown young men about you, I puff all such obstacles into the air; and, in spite of the worst, am ready to marry.Miss C.Let me pass you.(Crosses toL.)Nig.What’s the matter?Miss C.The coach has gone off without me.Nig.It has, it has. Now you are in my power.Miss C.Well, sir, I may be compelled to return with you; but the moment I arrive at home you must leave me. Were I not in the dilemma that I am, I might forgive you; but I should loose respect for myself were I now to listen to you, I can bear my troubles as I have born my recent mortification, alone and in silence.(Crying.)Nig.(Crying.)Oh! what a woman I have lost—what a heroine—how she would have decided all my actions. Caroline, have pity.Miss C.No. Take me home and leave me.Nig.Give me hope.Miss C.No.Nig.One kind word.Miss C.I wont.Nig.(Taking a paper from his pocket-book.)Here, here isthe licence, dear, look at it—read it—it may turn your heart.[MISSCOYtakes the licence from his hand, tears it, throws it at his feet, and walks off with great dignity.NIGGLEtakes up the pieces in dismay.Nig.That’s a decided negative. When a woman tears up the licence there can be no hope.[Exit followingMISSCOY.SCENE III.—An apartment atMISSSNARE’S—A glass door at the back—A screen on theL.—Two chairs.EnterPINKEYandBOSS,D.F.Boss.Now, my man, youmustmake up your mind, you can’t be in finer order for popping the question; you have just finished your three pints of claret, your lady has this moment called with Damper and the mysterious gentleman that tea’d here yesterday, and you can’t have a better opportunity.Pin.(A little elevated.)I’m sure I can’t, I feel quite brimful of words, overflowing with good three, four, and five-syllable, words. Lord, I think I could now stand on my legs and talk for an hour or two without stopping for breath. I only want the subject matter.Boss.You can’t have a more inspiring theme than your love for your lady.Pin.You and Miss Snare talk a great deal together; I’ve heard you when you didn’t know it. What do you talk about? Tell me, do—some people always seem to have to say so much to one another, that I can’t, for the life of me, make out what they can have converse upon.Boss.You would gain little by knowing what passes betweenus.Pin.Why?Boss.We merely admire each other’s good qualities.Pin.As much as to say, I’ve none for anybody to admire—I understand you—but I have though.Boss.Oh, no doubt. You may be hiding your candle under a bushel.Pin.That’s it—Ihavea light—I feel I have a light, I’m only afraid, if I attempt to show it, it will go out.[MISSSKYLARKis heard singing.Boss.She’s coming, I’ll leave you together.Pin.Oh, don’t, I am not quite ready; that is, I don’t feel quite so desperate as I did just now.Boss.Come, come, pop at once; and then, like a conquering hero, take her on your arm to this party that we are all invited to.We have arranged the opportunity for you, step behind this screen.Pin.Why?Boss.It’s necessary.Pin.Do all people step behind screens when they propose to marry?Boss.Too many, I’m afraid.Pin.Ah! but matrimony soon kicks the screen down, don’t it? I wish we could be married without this awful ceremony of proposing. Why can’t people make telegraphic signs? what a deal of trouble it would save.[MISSSNARE,heard without.Miss Sna.Step this way, my dear.[BOSSputsPINKEYbehind the screen.MISSSKYLARKenters followingMISSSNARE,D.F.Miss Sky.For what?Miss Sna.Ah! Mr. Narcissus, I was looking for you.(She beckons toBOSS.)Take a seat for one moment, I beg.[MISSSKYLARKsits;BOSSandMISSSNARErun offD.F.; BOSSlocks the door, holds up the key, and disappears.Miss Sky.What is the meaning of this? The door locked upon me. Miss Snare!(Calling at the door.)Let me out, I’m so nervous when I’m in a room by myself, pray, let me out.(Coming forward.)Very strange conduct, to ask me to step into this room, and then turn the key upon me. What can it mean?[PINKEYsighs, very audibly, behind the screen.Miss Sky.(Alarmed.)Oh! what’s that? it seems like the groan of a criminal full of remorse: surely no one can be in the room. I thought the sound came from behind that screen. Hem!(Coughs.)I wish I could get courage to peep.[She sings to gain courage—passing cautiously behind the screen.PINKEY,at the same time, comes round in front, then takes his place at the back of it as she re-appears.No one is there—there are no closets—no other door than that. I’m getting frightened, upon my honor I am—it must have been my fancy. Well, all I can do is to sit quiet till my friends are disposed to set me at liberty. I really feel inclined to scream.[She sits in the chair.PINKEYcomes forward, and gently places a chair by the side of her.Pin.Hem![She screams and falls on her knees.DAMPER, MISSSNARE, BOSSandCHESTER,are seen watching them through the glass door.Miss Sky.Oh! what’s that?—I can’t look I’m sure its something frightful.Pin.(Falling on his knees beside her.)Now for it, I’m at high popping pressure. Angelic creature—dearest of women—I love you to distraction—I shall never be happy without you, you are necessary to my life—I never loved anybody but you—nevercanlove anybody but you—I’ve got four hundred a year, an uncle with a row of houses, and an aunt with money in the bank—I’m the only nephew—I’m in both their wills—you are all to me, Oh, that I were all to you—in short—in fact—in a few words—will you be mine? There!Miss Sky.(Recovers herself during his speech and rises.)No.Pin.Oh, good gracious! You don’t mean it?Miss Sky.I do, sir, I have heard of you; you proposed to another lady last night.Pin.Oh, so I did.Miss Sky.You confess it, do you; and, because you were rejected there, sir, you have summoned all the courage you are capable of to address me.Pin.Let me explain.Miss Sky.Monster, away.[PINKEY,terrified, jumps up, runs to the door and calls out.Pin.Let me out, pray, let me out; I’ve popped and it’s no use. Let me out.[They hold the door fast laughing atPINKEY; BOSS,at length opens it;PINKEYdarts out;MISSSNARE, BOSS,andDAMPERenter.Miss Sna.(R.) What is the matter, have you refused him?Miss Sky.(C.) Certainly. As I was coming here I met Miss Macaw, and it appears that Mr. Pinkey actually proposed to her last night.Dam.(L.) Proposed to her!Miss Sky.And she asked me, if I should meet him, to say that she particularly wishes to see him this evening. Could you have thought it?Ishall not give him any further encouragement. Who next will he propose to, I wonder?Dam.Oho! my lady’s coquetry is now accounted for. What a sex it is! the more I associate with it, the more I discover to detest in it. Miss Skylark, next to Miss Macaw, I dislike you more than any woman I know. I am going to aparty—I am priviledged to take a lady. Will you accept my arm?Miss Sky.To the manor-house?Dam.Yes.Miss Sky.I should like very much to go. I am so curious to discover who it is that shows such an anxiety to make our acquaintance.Dam.Take my arm. (MISSSKYLARKtakesDAMPER’Sarm.)That I should ever be walking with a woman in this way. Well, one can only obtain a knowledge of a pestilence by boldly venturing where it rages. Come, of course I am to be annoyed all the way there by your horrible singing propensity.Miss Sky.(Sings.)“Oh, come with me, my love,And our fairy home shall beWhere the water spirits rove,In the deep, deep sea.”[DAMPERlooks savagely at her as they go off,D.F.Boss.Really, the courting people seem all to be getting to cross purposes! Ah, there is nothing like a platonic affection, is there, Miss Snare?Miss Sna.I have no faith in platonic affections.Boss.No!Miss Sna.We might as well think of playing at snow-balls in July. The ice-cellar of propriety may yield the snow, but the moment it becomes exposed to the warm air of temptation, it dissolves into its original liquid!Boss.’Pon my life you’re a philosopher in petticoats—you certainly wear a hoop from the tub of Diogenes!Miss Sna.Oh, flatterer.Boss.Fact, really.Miss Sna.I trust that I possess the candle of the sage, and have used it with more success than he did.Boss.How?Miss Sna.That with its light I have discovered in you, not only an honest, but an elegant man.(Crosses toL.)Boss.You’re a divinity!Miss Sna.Oh!Boss.You are; and as I am no stoic, I must have a kiss.(Offers to kiss her.)Miss Sna.(Repulsing him with great dignity.)Sir, that is a liberty I donotallow—there are certain bounds to familiarity, which once passed, we are in the highway of contempt. We have merely been friends, not lovers. You could not venture on a greater piece of indecorum, even after an accepted proposal! Good evening sir![ExitD.F., courtesying.Boss.How very odd! This is the effect of dining with Pinkey, and yielding to a generous impulse. I hope she’s not seriously offended—hang it, I shall be wretched without her;for I have never before felt so at home and so perfectly amused, as I have been in her society. What can it mean? very strange. The fact is, I think the womenarepleasant creatures after all; and I’ve not been sufficiently alive to their qualities! I’ll try another—I’ll see who else I can take to this party—must have a lady on my arm it seems. Perhaps Miss Snare will forgive me. If she’s in her parlour, I’ll tap at the door, and threaten to cut my throat if she don’t; for upon my life I feel miserable enough to do it—fact!(Takes out a pocket glass and adjusts his hair.)No, I couldn’t!(Regarding himself in the glass.)No, my fine fellow—now I look at you again, under no circumstances could I dothat!(Admiring himself.)Upon my soul I couldn’t—it would be a pity! No, no, don’t be afraid, my man, I’ll take every care of you, as long as I live.[ExitD.F.SCENE IV.—An elegant apartment at the manor-house, lighted with candleabras, &c. Folding doors at the back. Five tables with writing paper on each, and ten chairs; two tables on each side, one in the centre, with writing materials on it. A letter on pink paper lying on the first table,L.EnterNIGGLE,withMISSMEADOWSon his arm,C.D.Nig.Well, here I am, and with a lady, according to the terms of my invitation. Oh, Miss Meadows, if I had not encountered you, I must have come here alone. We are the first pair that have arrived, I see. Oh, miss, I am a miserable man.Miss Mea.Is your lady inexorable?Nig.She is indeed. I brought her back in the chaise, but she sat up in a corner all the way, and never uttered a word. I have no hope now of ever being married! Willyouhave me? Think of it,do—wemightbe happy—and I’ll make one more effort for matrimony, if I go from street to street, knock at every door, and ask if there is any lady within who would not object to marry a respectable, middle-aged gentleman—of amiable temper, great sensibility, and small fortune![They sit at the front table on theL.CHESTERenters withMISSSNAREon his arm,C.D.Miss Sna.How very strange there is no one to receive us. Ah, Mr. Niggle!Nig.How is it that Boss is not with you?Miss Sna.A little disagreement; and as this gentleman had called at my house, he politely offered to bring me here, as I expressed an anxiety to see our new neighbour.[They sit at the front table on theR.BOSSenters, withMISSCOYon his arm,C.D.Nig.There she is—inclined to marry Boss, no doubt.Miss Sna.Surely he is not going to throw himself away on Miss Coy.Shecan never appreciate him, I’m sure.Boss.(ToMISSCOY.)Fortunate I called on you, as you were anxious to come.Miss C.Pray conduct me to a seat.[BOSSconducts her to a chair at the second table on theR.DAMPERandMISSSKYLARKenter, arm-in-arm, back.Dam.Oh! pretty well all arrived, eh? and everybody looking as miserable as they deserve to be! Well, who is it that has asked us here?Nig.I don’t know.Boss.Nor I.Dam.(ToMISSSKYLARK.)Sit down.Miss Sky.I will.(Aside.)What an incorrigible brute it is![They sit at the second table on theL.EnterPINKEYandMISSMACAW,arm-in-arm,C.D.Miss Sky.Indeed! bringsherhere—I was quite right to reject him!Dam.(Looking atMISSMACAW.)I wish she was my wife—I’d wring her heart for this!Pin.How d’ye do, all of you? Now, my dear Miss Macaw, pray take a chair—I shall be distressed if I neglect any attention that you may look for!Miss Sky.Dear me, how gallant—I’ll coquet with Mr. Damper!Miss Mea.’Tis very strange that no one appears to receive us.All.(To each other, and with great coquetry.)Very, very strange! Don’t you think so?Miss Mea.What is this? A letter! and directed “From, the lady of the house to Mr. Pinkey.”(Taking up the pink letter on the table.)Pin.To me![PINKEYrises in alarm,MISSMEADOWShands him the letter.Pin.(Reading.)“From the lady of the house to——” Oh, dear, what can it be about?Boss.A love letter, perhaps.All.Read it—read it!Pin.(Opens the letter and reads; they all rise and surround him.)“The lady of the house hearing that her new neighbours have formed attachments that only require a little decision and a good example to end in matrimony, has invited them topropose, that each person shall write on a slip of paper the name of the party that he or she could be most happy with for life, and where there may be a mutuality to marry accordingly.All.How strange—how odd!Nig.Hush! Go on.All.Go on.Pin.(Continuing.)“When the selections are made and announced, let each gentleman fall gallantly on his knee to the object of his choice, and at that moment the lady of the house will appear.” There, now, what’s to be done?Nig.The lady’s command must of course be obeyed!All.Certainly—certainly.Dam.Aha! Aha! Now Hymen’s torch is indeed blazing away in the midst of us. Burn your wings, ye infatuated moths, do! Bob blindly into the flame, and experience all the agonies I have long pictured to you—I’ll set you the example! Here—here is paper—pens too! Write—write—and seal your miseries![DAMPERgoes to the centre table, and supplies the group with writing paper; they take pens, go to the tables where they were before seated, and write, looking towards the object of their choice.Dam.Have you done?All.Yes, yes.Dam.Place your papers on this table—the women bythemselves, the gentlemen bythemselves—I’ll officiate as parish clerk and publish what banns I may![The ladies place their papers on one side of the centre table—the gentlemen on the other. All retire to their places.Dam.(At the table.)Silence!(He selects two papers.)“John Niggle, Caroline Coy.” Now for Caroline Coy—the choice is mutual—’tis John Niggle. Are you agreed?Nig.Do you relent? Am I to be so happy? I cannot fluctuate now—forgive me—say but the word, and I am in your arms!Miss C.As I have received a promise of help in my difficulties, I can’t refuse you!Dam.Miserable being, go to your lady!Nig.(Running toMISSCOYand embracing her.)Happy man that I am, how can I express my joy?Miss C.By your silence.[DAMPERselects two other slips.Dam.“Narcissus Boss, Sarah Snare.” The lady’s choice is fixed upon the same gentleman. Are you agreed?Boss.Do you forgive me?Dam.What has he done?Miss Sna.If I must confess, he attempted to salute me, before making a formal declaration!All.Oh, Boss, for shame!Boss.Upon my life ’twas a mere grateful impulse.Miss Sna.All the improprieties of life are impulses.Dam.Make up your mind at once—Boss lives upon flattery, and Miss wants a husband—you can’t be better paired! Infatuated man, go to your lady![BOSScrosses toMISSSNAREand kisses her hand—DAMPERselects two more papers.Dam.(Reading.)“Peter Pinkey could be happy for life with Miss Skylark”—miss ditto, with ditto gentleman.Nig.Come Pinkey, speak out—the dumb would find words at such a moment!Pin.Oh, bless you, I have been finding too many words—I said all that was necessary, but was rejected!Miss Sky.Because you had proposed to another.Pin.Upon my honor it was a mistake. In a bewildered moment Ididdo so; but I thought it was to you!Miss Sky.(Looking atMISSMACAW.)It is not a very hard matter to believe you!Dam.Silly boy, go to your choice. You’re young—there’s a fine long life of wretchedness in store foryou!Pin.(Running to her.)What do you say?Miss Sky.(Singing.)“No more by sorrow chased my heart.”Dam.Silence, woman!(Reading papers.)“Charles Chester, Jessy Meadows.” Miss Meadows is of the same opinion.Che.Will you take your poor artist?Miss Mea.I am sorry that you have deceived me—I would rather that you were the humble being you first professed you were——Che.You shall yet have your wish. To please you I will even consent to be poor.(ToMISSCOY.)Aunt Caroline!Nig.Aunt Caroline! Are you her nephew?Che.I am, sir. At the hazard of her own happiness, almost at the risk of her good name, she kept a secret that I required of her—I made a promise a short time since that I would replace the income she has been deprived of by her agent, and Iwilldo so; therefore, sir,(ToNIGGLE.)you do not marry a penniless woman, whilst I by impoverishing myself, gratify the object of my choice!Dam.Madman! go take your fate by the hand, and commence your sad career![CHESTERcrosses toMISSMEADOWS—DAMPERreads the last papers.All.The last couple—now for the last couple!Dam.“David Damper, Maria Macaw—Maria Macaw, David Damper.” Eh, what d’ye think of that? Come to me, fright!(ToMISSMACAW.)Miss Mac.(Crossing to him.)Object! I obey you.Dam.Now isn’t it noble of us to form a marriage, for which none of you can guess the inducement?All.(ButMISSMACAW.)Noble! noble!Dam.You wonder what we can see in each other, don’t you? Never mind—though we don’t begin by thinking that we can’t live asunder, we may not find out, as you will, that it is impossible to live together. We are united but for one object, to worry one another; and if we fail in that object, perhaps we may be the happiest couple amongst you.Miss Mac.Nothingcanannoy me but one question; and that is being asked my age!Miss Mea.Did he ever dare to put that question to you?Miss Mac.He did.All.Oh, shame!Dam.Well, well, never mind, Miss Macaw—the older you grow, the more your beauties will become developed. You are like the great American Aloe, by the time you’re a hundred years old, you’ll be in full bloom! eh? Ha! ha! Now, down on our knees, poor wretches that we are![All the gentlemen drop on one knee to their respective ladies.Dam.Now—now for the mystery—now for the lady of the house! Where is she?Miss Mea.Here, sir!All.(The gentlemen rising.)You!Che.You, Jessy!Miss Mea.I am the lady of this house; and you, sir, have promised to marry the object of your aversion—an heiress. To avoid the importunities of heartless fortune-hunters, and in the hope to be loved for myself alone, I have resided at the cottage adjacent with my worthy relative in seclusion. Now you can comprehend my indignation, when I discovered that you were using the same means that I had selected, to gain my future happiness.Che.And youshallbe happy, if my affection can make you so. I have seen the errors of married men, and will avoid them; you shall be treated with that attention that you are entitled to demand. I will neither harrass you with ill-temper, render you miserable by dissipation, nor insult you by slighting your society; but strive with all my heart to make you as happy as I am sure you deserve to be.Dam.Oh, mighty fine, mighty fine—you’ll tell a differentstory in a few months! Oh! what an unhappy set of wretches we shall all be shortly!Listen while I your miseries rehearse,Prose can’t express them, I must speak in verse!Miss Coy.Pray hold your tongue—yourarguments can’t shake us,’Tis time for troubles when they overtake us;Those who meet coming miseries half way,Deserve to have them——Niggle.That I’ve tried to sayA dozen times when I have been debatingWhether to wed or not——Miss Meadows.Your fluctuatingIs over now; for lo! a happy brideIs wooed and won, and smiling by your side!Damper.Poor wretch! anticipation strikes him mute!Miss Macaw.Dry your wet blanket do, ungenial brute!Ifyourcold bosom no warm spark inherits,Is this a time to damp their ardent spirits?Boss.Oh! let him say his worst, he’s harmless now—Miss Snare to Boss.Toyourdecision every one must bow!Boss.Dear soul,mychoice I never shall regret;Miss Skylark, (aside.)Self love and flattery ne’er quarrell’d yet!What sayyou, sir?(To Pinkey.)Pinkey.My lot in life is cast,Now I’ve the rubicon of popping past.Chester.I mean to prove, when passion may decline,That love and matrimonycancombine!Miss Skylark (singing).Then “Life let us cherish while yet the taper glows;”Damper.Pray stop that lady—let me have reposeTo point a moral.(Advancing to the audience.)Ah! I see you two;Young man desist, you know not what you do;Take my advice, retract in time, forbear—You’re making love to that young woman there!Ah! you may look—heis,hisfate is clear,Unless he’s warn’d by what he’s witnessed here.Pinkey, interfering.Hush! don’t—it’s delicate—like me, he mayHave borne his love in silence many a day,And I’ve a question(To the audience)I must pop toyou:I’m half ashamed, upon my life it’s true;But will you, as I mean to take a wife,Forgive the errors of my Single Life?THE END.Disposition of Characters.(From R. to L.) BOSS. SNARE. COY. NIG. DAM. MAC. PIN. SKY. CHE. MEA.“NASSAU STEAM PRESS,”W. S. JOHNSON, NASSAU STREET, SOHO.
SCENE I.—The cottage—same as first scene of second act—Chairs, tables as before.
MISSMEADOWS,L.andCHESTER,R.,discovered.
Che.Now, Jessy, I think we clearly understand each other?
Miss Mea.Perfectly. We agree to marry with a mystery hanging over each of us. My poor aunt and I, through our retired mode of living, are supposed to be very suspicious persons, and yet you are ready and willing to give me your hand, let me turn out to be what I may?
Che.For better or for worse, in every sense of the word.
Miss Mea.And I undertake to be equally as rash in accepting you.
Che.We shall gain one point by this blind bargain—we are assured that we love one another for ourselves alone.
Miss Mea.Ah! how charming is that assurance—and how miserable to possess wealth, attracting a train of suitors with not one sincere, disinterested heart amongst them.
Che.Poor as I am, an heiress is my aversion—not that money lowers the worth of woman; but that its worshippers pervert her understanding, harden her heart, and teach her a false estimate of herself.
Miss Mea.Give me love in a cottage.
Che.Or a second floor in London, amongst several layers of lodgers.
Miss Mea.Ah! charming.
Che.Two knocks and a ring for the artist—then to think of painting portraits of people so atrociously ugly, that it is more than one’s poor half guinea is worth not to flatter them. To roam through Battersea or Walworth in search of the picturesque, till a stroke of fortune promotes one to the situation of drawing master to some suburban academy.
Miss Mea.Oh, delightful! to walk twenty miles twice a week for as many pounds per annum. And what mustIdo?Imust not be idle—I’ll commence milliner—trim caps—fabricate flounces, and wait upon fantastical ladies with patterns of the last new toque—and with my needlework and your painting—my industry and your enthusiasm—we shall be happy—I am sure we shall!
EnterMISSMACAW,F.E.L.
Good day, aunt, we have not had the pleasure of seeing you since your return home last night—it was very kind of that barbarian, Mr. Damper, to escort you to the door—I saw him leave you from my window.
Miss Mac.’Twas no more than the creature’s duty.
Miss Mea.His duty!
Miss Mac.You have often heard me declare that my aversion to the male sex was so great, that the man who could be bold enough to propose to me, with the prospect of misery that must be his portion in the union, I would accept him instantly—now Mr. Damper——
Miss Mea.}
} What?
Che.}
Miss Mac.Mr. Damper has said that he hates me sufficiently to marry me; and, as the passion is mutual, I have taken him at his word—to-morrow morning I change my name.
Miss Mea.So soon, aunt?
Miss Mac.If you are surprised at our haste, you must consider that we have little of life’s time to lose; and, what in you would be indelicate precipitancy, with us, is but common prudence.
Miss Mea.Are you serious, aunt?
Miss Mac.Matrimony is not a subject to jest upon, whatever may be your notions of the important engagement.
Miss Mea.Bless me!
EnterNIGGLE,D.F.,in haste.
Nig.(ToCHESTER.)Young man, where’s your mother? Pray excuse me—I mean the lady—the relation—the friend—though I care not who she may be—you know the person I mean.
Che.Miss Coy?
Nig.Yes—I have been in search of her every where—all last night—all to-day—Daphne never led Apollo such a chase as that dear creature has given me.
Che.For what?
Nig.To tell her that I can’t live without her—to tell her that my anti-matrimonial persuader is removed—that I’m a free man, and that I wish to marry her immediately—and repair the wrong that I have done her at once—before my connubial furor may again fluctuate.
Che.She is gone——
Nig.Gone! Where?
Che.To London!
Nig.Ah, my cruelty has driven her there.
Che.That, and the flight of an agent, to whose care she had entrusted her property.
Nig.Eh! what? flight of an agent—is she then in distress?—without a penny?
Che.’Tis feared so, sir.
Nig.Huzza! That was the obstacle she alluded to—that is the reason she has avoided me—I am glad of it—I have now an opportunity of proving the disinterestedness of my passion for her. [DAMPERappearsF.D.] Oh, madam(ToMISSMACAW.)—what do I not owe to you? ’Tis you—you have removed this incubus—’Tisyouthat have spurred this nightmare from my bosom, to take him to your own. Generous woman, let me embrace you.
[He warmly embracesMISSMACAW,who rises with great indignation.
Miss Mac.Sir! how dare you? The first time that I ever was embraced by a man in my life! How dare you, sir, take that liberty? Had I been aware of your indecorous intention I should have slapped your face—I would, sir—Ugh! the sensation is more repulsive than I ever imagined it to be.
Nig.My dear madam—my gratitude was so——
Dam.(Coming between them.)John! John!—you must learn to suppress such grateful feelings—my miseries are beginning already. Before the knot is actually tied, another is kissing my intended wife.
Nig.Then let me get one of my own, and never again will I be under such an obligation to you—I could not controul my grateful impulse—but I am wasting time, I must follow my fate immediately.
Dam.Where are you going?
Nig.To bring back the dear creature whose feelings I have so trifled with, and make an instant reparation by following your example.(Going.)
Dam.Stop, stop!
Nig.Pray don’t attempt to shake my resolution—I wont hear you.
Dam.I but wish to exact one promise from you.
Nig.What is it?
Dam.That you will give my arguments fair play, that you wont marry till I have been a wretched man a month.
Nig.Don’t exact the promise—pray don’t—it may be years before I am again in such a marrying mood. I’ll return—I will, indeed—pray wish me success—but I don’t despair—I feel quite an ardent lover again. Though I am not running away with a lady I am running after one—eh?—Ha! ha!—good bye. Now for a post chaise and a hot pursuit—for a last attack on this formidable castle of connubiality, or death in its trenches.
[ExitD.F.
Dam.Poor man—poor man.
Che.Ihave also received an invitation to this manor-house, with a request to bring a lady on my arm.
Dam.So have I—of course I must takeyou.(ToMISSMACAW.)
Miss Mac.What lady elseoughtyou to take, sir?
Che.Who is the party residing there?
Dam.I don’t know; the house has been shut up for some time—it has undergone complete repair—new furniture from London has been seen going in—a set of servants are there, but who the party is that has invited me, I neither know nor care to know.
[Goes up the stage, followed byMISSMACAW.
Che.Let us leave this loving couple to themselves—will you accompany me to this Manor house to-night?
Miss Mea.Certainly, if you wish for my society.
Che.Wish for your society!—Jessy—I must now remove the mask—nothing can occurnowto prevent our happiness—and youshallknow who and what I am—I am burning with impatience to tell you——
Miss Mea.(Interrupting.)I hope you are what you have seemed to be; if you arenotpoor, I shall never love you; if you are not the indigent struggling creature I have believed you to be, there is an end of all—there shall be no marriage—no love in a cottage—no second floor in London—I have done with you for ever.
Che.Hear me, Jessy.
Miss Mea.Well, I will hear you—step this way—in the garden we shall be free from interruption; and there, when you have told me the whole truth, if I discover that you have deceived me—I—I shall break my heart with vexation.
[ExeuntF.E.L.
Dam.(R.) What is the matter with them, I wonder—quarrelling of course—all that the men and women seem to have to do when they get together—all that they are fit for I know. Now, madam, for our affair—to-morrow morning, the ceremony over, you go to my house.
Miss Mac.(L.) If I please.
Dam.Indeed! Now as I naturally do not wish to receive more punishment than my crime, as a matter of course, will bring with it, tell me who and what you are.
Miss Mac.A lady! What are you?
Dam.A gentleman.
Miss Mac.Independent?
Dam.Seven hundred a year. You are without a sixpence, of course?—hope you are—extravagant, I dare say, then I shall soon be a beggar.
Miss Mac.I am happy to say, sir, that I need never require your help in pecuniary matters.
Dam.Sorry for it. Many relations? I hope you have an army of poor ones—thatwillserve me right.
Miss Mac.I have not, sir.
Dam.Dear me, I am afraid I shall be too comfortable. How old are you?
Miss Mac.That is a question, sir, that no woman can ever pardon being put to her. Your other insulting queries Ireplied to at once, and rather admired the brutal spirit that prompted them, than felt annoyed at their utter want of feeling. But to ask a woman her age! ’Tis a sin, sir—’tis giving encouragement to lying; for a man is assured, when he putsthatquestion, he can never be told the truth.
Dam.Ha! ha! This is delicious—this is a foretaste of my approaching bliss—this is a gleam of the light of happiness that is in future to shine full upon me. Oh!—what it’s your weak side, eh? I’m delighted to have discovered it—when we are married I’ll ask the question every night and morning during our bitter honey-moon.
Miss Mac.You shall be disappointed, sir; we are not yet man and wife—I knew you to be a brute; but I never thought you a fool—and the latter character is one that I rather pity than despise. To pity you would be to admit a feeling akin to love, and any approach to love for you, would be to admit an affection for a bear, or a rhinoceros, or any other monstrosity of nature. No, sir! I have now done with you—find some other female to worry—Miss Maria Macaw leaves you to your single blessedness.
[ExitF.E.L.
Dam.Is she in earnest now, or is this some little specimen of antique coquetry? After having made up my mind to make a woman miserable, I should not like to be disappointed: I had set my heart upon worrying a wife to death—to have some one to vent all my ill-humours upon—to snarl at—to find fault with—to be angry when she was pleased, and pleased only when she was angry—and to thwart and vex continually—I should have revelled in such a life, and have been delighted in letting every one see what a wretched state is the married one. She can’t mean it—Oh, no—no—’tis but one of the coquettish arts of her artful sex—I’ll retaliate—I’ll call upon Miss Skylark or some other woman, and take her on my arm to this party, to-night—I’llbe a coquette—amalecoquette—and fight her with her own weapons.
Re-enterCHESTER;he paces the stage,DAMPERfollowing him. Crosses toR.
Che.Oh! the perversity of womankind: I thought she would have been surprised and delighted at the intelligence that I had wooed and won her under a false appearance, that instead of a struggling life of poverty, I could offer her one of wealth and comfort, and that my reason for such concealment was, that I might find one who would love me for myself alone. Why should she be angry? Why should she hear me with such indignation? Oh! woman—woman!
Dam.A diabolical sex, isn’t it, sir? I always said so—nobody would believeme—no one heededmywords—but now you’ll be a proselyte to creed, wont you?
Che.I’ll go to the manor house——
Dam.So will I.
Che.With another——
Dam.That’s whatIintend to do.
Che.If I can find a lady to accompany me.
Dam.Let us go out together and pick up the first pair we can meet—you choose the youngest, I the oldest. Take my arm—there are two or three women in this town that I hate mortally, we’ll call on them—I’ll introduce you, and we’ll take our choice.
Che.I thought to see her face beam with delight.
Dam.One never can tell how they intend to look.
Che.Oh, Jessy!
Dam.Oh, Maria!
Che.Oh, woman! perverse——
Dam.Artful——
Che.Capricious——
Dam.Never-know-where-to-have-’em woman!
[ExeuntD.F.
SCENE II.—An Inn Parlour—Two chairs.
EnterMISSCOY,F.E.L.
Miss C.I am glad I have resolved to go to London. Now, while they are changing horses, let me collect my thoughts. Oh, dear, my misfortunes seem to come all at once—my agent absconded—my match with Mr. Niggle broken off—every body scandalizing me.—I am not sorry that I discovered the villiany of my agent before I had called in another to share my troubles—Mr. Niggle then would have been justified in supposing that I had inveigled him into marriage—that mortification, at least, is spared me.
NIGGLE,without,F.E.L.
Nig.Let the chaise remain at the door.
Miss C.Ha! ’tis his voice—he has followed me, perhaps, to beg me to return with him; but I will not—a reconciliation is now hopeless.
EnterNIGGLE,F.E.L.
Nig.Caroline, dear Caroline.
Miss C.Why, sir, have you followed me? If you were to repent your conduct to me ever so sincerely, I have told you that an obstacle to our union now exists, which cannot be removed.
Nig.I know it, dear, I know it, your obstacle is nothing to what my obstacle was; that is removed, and yours, I am sure, can soon be put aside. But on one thing I am resolved—you don’t go to London.
Miss C.I must, sir, and will.
Nig.I’ve told the coachman, the inside lady passenger don’t go on.
Miss C.Have you dared to take such a liberty? I must call out and contradict you.
[She attempts to cross to theL.,NIGGLEstops her.
Nig.Hear me, pray, hear me, I have treated you ill, I confess; but I have longed to make every reparation. I was so bewildered, my feelings were so tossed, this way and that, on a sea of doubt, that I knew not how to guide them; but now I am determined—take me while my resolution is strong within me—do—do—fix me—Iwantto be fixed—there can be no wavering then—it will be done. Let me slide the ring on your finger—you throw the collar over my neck and make me a married man—do, do; I don’t feel respectable as I am. Pray consent; the evil genius that controlled me is exorcised—I am free—Damper himself is in the toils—Ha! ha! he’s caught, and I can now flirt where I please, love where I please, and marry where I please.
Miss C.Well, sir, take advantage of your emancipation, I beg.
Nig.I will, and carry you back with me.
Miss C.No.
Nig.You mean “yes,” I must take your negative as an affirmative, you pervert your mother tongue, you know you do. Come, come, whatever you are, whether penniless, a female adventurer, a scheming widow with a family of full grown young men about you, I puff all such obstacles into the air; and, in spite of the worst, am ready to marry.
Miss C.Let me pass you.(Crosses toL.)
Nig.What’s the matter?
Miss C.The coach has gone off without me.
Nig.It has, it has. Now you are in my power.
Miss C.Well, sir, I may be compelled to return with you; but the moment I arrive at home you must leave me. Were I not in the dilemma that I am, I might forgive you; but I should loose respect for myself were I now to listen to you, I can bear my troubles as I have born my recent mortification, alone and in silence.(Crying.)
Nig.(Crying.)Oh! what a woman I have lost—what a heroine—how she would have decided all my actions. Caroline, have pity.
Miss C.No. Take me home and leave me.
Nig.Give me hope.
Miss C.No.
Nig.One kind word.
Miss C.I wont.
Nig.(Taking a paper from his pocket-book.)Here, here isthe licence, dear, look at it—read it—it may turn your heart.
[MISSCOYtakes the licence from his hand, tears it, throws it at his feet, and walks off with great dignity.NIGGLEtakes up the pieces in dismay.
Nig.That’s a decided negative. When a woman tears up the licence there can be no hope.
[Exit followingMISSCOY.
SCENE III.—An apartment atMISSSNARE’S—A glass door at the back—A screen on theL.—Two chairs.
EnterPINKEYandBOSS,D.F.
Boss.Now, my man, youmustmake up your mind, you can’t be in finer order for popping the question; you have just finished your three pints of claret, your lady has this moment called with Damper and the mysterious gentleman that tea’d here yesterday, and you can’t have a better opportunity.
Pin.(A little elevated.)I’m sure I can’t, I feel quite brimful of words, overflowing with good three, four, and five-syllable, words. Lord, I think I could now stand on my legs and talk for an hour or two without stopping for breath. I only want the subject matter.
Boss.You can’t have a more inspiring theme than your love for your lady.
Pin.You and Miss Snare talk a great deal together; I’ve heard you when you didn’t know it. What do you talk about? Tell me, do—some people always seem to have to say so much to one another, that I can’t, for the life of me, make out what they can have converse upon.
Boss.You would gain little by knowing what passes betweenus.
Pin.Why?
Boss.We merely admire each other’s good qualities.
Pin.As much as to say, I’ve none for anybody to admire—I understand you—but I have though.
Boss.Oh, no doubt. You may be hiding your candle under a bushel.
Pin.That’s it—Ihavea light—I feel I have a light, I’m only afraid, if I attempt to show it, it will go out.
[MISSSKYLARKis heard singing.
Boss.She’s coming, I’ll leave you together.
Pin.Oh, don’t, I am not quite ready; that is, I don’t feel quite so desperate as I did just now.
Boss.Come, come, pop at once; and then, like a conquering hero, take her on your arm to this party that we are all invited to.We have arranged the opportunity for you, step behind this screen.
Pin.Why?
Boss.It’s necessary.
Pin.Do all people step behind screens when they propose to marry?
Boss.Too many, I’m afraid.
Pin.Ah! but matrimony soon kicks the screen down, don’t it? I wish we could be married without this awful ceremony of proposing. Why can’t people make telegraphic signs? what a deal of trouble it would save.
[MISSSNARE,heard without.
Miss Sna.Step this way, my dear.
[BOSSputsPINKEYbehind the screen.
MISSSKYLARKenters followingMISSSNARE,D.F.
Miss Sky.For what?
Miss Sna.Ah! Mr. Narcissus, I was looking for you.(She beckons toBOSS.)Take a seat for one moment, I beg.
[MISSSKYLARKsits;BOSSandMISSSNARErun offD.F.; BOSSlocks the door, holds up the key, and disappears.
Miss Sky.What is the meaning of this? The door locked upon me. Miss Snare!(Calling at the door.)Let me out, I’m so nervous when I’m in a room by myself, pray, let me out.(Coming forward.)Very strange conduct, to ask me to step into this room, and then turn the key upon me. What can it mean?
[PINKEYsighs, very audibly, behind the screen.
Miss Sky.(Alarmed.)Oh! what’s that? it seems like the groan of a criminal full of remorse: surely no one can be in the room. I thought the sound came from behind that screen. Hem!(Coughs.)I wish I could get courage to peep.
[She sings to gain courage—passing cautiously behind the screen.PINKEY,at the same time, comes round in front, then takes his place at the back of it as she re-appears.
No one is there—there are no closets—no other door than that. I’m getting frightened, upon my honor I am—it must have been my fancy. Well, all I can do is to sit quiet till my friends are disposed to set me at liberty. I really feel inclined to scream.
[She sits in the chair.PINKEYcomes forward, and gently places a chair by the side of her.
Pin.Hem!
[She screams and falls on her knees.DAMPER, MISSSNARE, BOSSandCHESTER,are seen watching them through the glass door.
Miss Sky.Oh! what’s that?—I can’t look I’m sure its something frightful.
Pin.(Falling on his knees beside her.)Now for it, I’m at high popping pressure. Angelic creature—dearest of women—I love you to distraction—I shall never be happy without you, you are necessary to my life—I never loved anybody but you—nevercanlove anybody but you—I’ve got four hundred a year, an uncle with a row of houses, and an aunt with money in the bank—I’m the only nephew—I’m in both their wills—you are all to me, Oh, that I were all to you—in short—in fact—in a few words—will you be mine? There!
Miss Sky.(Recovers herself during his speech and rises.)No.
Pin.Oh, good gracious! You don’t mean it?
Miss Sky.I do, sir, I have heard of you; you proposed to another lady last night.
Pin.Oh, so I did.
Miss Sky.You confess it, do you; and, because you were rejected there, sir, you have summoned all the courage you are capable of to address me.
Pin.Let me explain.
Miss Sky.Monster, away.
[PINKEY,terrified, jumps up, runs to the door and calls out.
Pin.Let me out, pray, let me out; I’ve popped and it’s no use. Let me out.
[They hold the door fast laughing atPINKEY; BOSS,at length opens it;PINKEYdarts out;MISSSNARE, BOSS,andDAMPERenter.
Miss Sna.(R.) What is the matter, have you refused him?
Miss Sky.(C.) Certainly. As I was coming here I met Miss Macaw, and it appears that Mr. Pinkey actually proposed to her last night.
Dam.(L.) Proposed to her!
Miss Sky.And she asked me, if I should meet him, to say that she particularly wishes to see him this evening. Could you have thought it?Ishall not give him any further encouragement. Who next will he propose to, I wonder?
Dam.Oho! my lady’s coquetry is now accounted for. What a sex it is! the more I associate with it, the more I discover to detest in it. Miss Skylark, next to Miss Macaw, I dislike you more than any woman I know. I am going to aparty—I am priviledged to take a lady. Will you accept my arm?
Miss Sky.To the manor-house?
Dam.Yes.
Miss Sky.I should like very much to go. I am so curious to discover who it is that shows such an anxiety to make our acquaintance.
Dam.Take my arm. (MISSSKYLARKtakesDAMPER’Sarm.)That I should ever be walking with a woman in this way. Well, one can only obtain a knowledge of a pestilence by boldly venturing where it rages. Come, of course I am to be annoyed all the way there by your horrible singing propensity.
Miss Sky.(Sings.)
“Oh, come with me, my love,And our fairy home shall beWhere the water spirits rove,In the deep, deep sea.”
“Oh, come with me, my love,
And our fairy home shall be
Where the water spirits rove,
In the deep, deep sea.”
[DAMPERlooks savagely at her as they go off,D.F.
Boss.Really, the courting people seem all to be getting to cross purposes! Ah, there is nothing like a platonic affection, is there, Miss Snare?
Miss Sna.I have no faith in platonic affections.
Boss.No!
Miss Sna.We might as well think of playing at snow-balls in July. The ice-cellar of propriety may yield the snow, but the moment it becomes exposed to the warm air of temptation, it dissolves into its original liquid!
Boss.’Pon my life you’re a philosopher in petticoats—you certainly wear a hoop from the tub of Diogenes!
Miss Sna.Oh, flatterer.
Boss.Fact, really.
Miss Sna.I trust that I possess the candle of the sage, and have used it with more success than he did.
Boss.How?
Miss Sna.That with its light I have discovered in you, not only an honest, but an elegant man.(Crosses toL.)
Boss.You’re a divinity!
Miss Sna.Oh!
Boss.You are; and as I am no stoic, I must have a kiss.(Offers to kiss her.)
Miss Sna.(Repulsing him with great dignity.)Sir, that is a liberty I donotallow—there are certain bounds to familiarity, which once passed, we are in the highway of contempt. We have merely been friends, not lovers. You could not venture on a greater piece of indecorum, even after an accepted proposal! Good evening sir!
[ExitD.F., courtesying.
Boss.How very odd! This is the effect of dining with Pinkey, and yielding to a generous impulse. I hope she’s not seriously offended—hang it, I shall be wretched without her;for I have never before felt so at home and so perfectly amused, as I have been in her society. What can it mean? very strange. The fact is, I think the womenarepleasant creatures after all; and I’ve not been sufficiently alive to their qualities! I’ll try another—I’ll see who else I can take to this party—must have a lady on my arm it seems. Perhaps Miss Snare will forgive me. If she’s in her parlour, I’ll tap at the door, and threaten to cut my throat if she don’t; for upon my life I feel miserable enough to do it—fact!(Takes out a pocket glass and adjusts his hair.)No, I couldn’t!(Regarding himself in the glass.)No, my fine fellow—now I look at you again, under no circumstances could I dothat!(Admiring himself.)Upon my soul I couldn’t—it would be a pity! No, no, don’t be afraid, my man, I’ll take every care of you, as long as I live.
[ExitD.F.
SCENE IV.—An elegant apartment at the manor-house, lighted with candleabras, &c. Folding doors at the back. Five tables with writing paper on each, and ten chairs; two tables on each side, one in the centre, with writing materials on it. A letter on pink paper lying on the first table,L.
EnterNIGGLE,withMISSMEADOWSon his arm,C.D.
Nig.Well, here I am, and with a lady, according to the terms of my invitation. Oh, Miss Meadows, if I had not encountered you, I must have come here alone. We are the first pair that have arrived, I see. Oh, miss, I am a miserable man.
Miss Mea.Is your lady inexorable?
Nig.She is indeed. I brought her back in the chaise, but she sat up in a corner all the way, and never uttered a word. I have no hope now of ever being married! Willyouhave me? Think of it,do—wemightbe happy—and I’ll make one more effort for matrimony, if I go from street to street, knock at every door, and ask if there is any lady within who would not object to marry a respectable, middle-aged gentleman—of amiable temper, great sensibility, and small fortune!
[They sit at the front table on theL.
CHESTERenters withMISSSNAREon his arm,C.D.
Miss Sna.How very strange there is no one to receive us. Ah, Mr. Niggle!
Nig.How is it that Boss is not with you?
Miss Sna.A little disagreement; and as this gentleman had called at my house, he politely offered to bring me here, as I expressed an anxiety to see our new neighbour.
[They sit at the front table on theR.
BOSSenters, withMISSCOYon his arm,C.D.
Nig.There she is—inclined to marry Boss, no doubt.
Miss Sna.Surely he is not going to throw himself away on Miss Coy.Shecan never appreciate him, I’m sure.
Boss.(ToMISSCOY.)Fortunate I called on you, as you were anxious to come.
Miss C.Pray conduct me to a seat.
[BOSSconducts her to a chair at the second table on theR.
DAMPERandMISSSKYLARKenter, arm-in-arm, back.
Dam.Oh! pretty well all arrived, eh? and everybody looking as miserable as they deserve to be! Well, who is it that has asked us here?
Nig.I don’t know.
Boss.Nor I.
Dam.(ToMISSSKYLARK.)Sit down.
Miss Sky.I will.(Aside.)What an incorrigible brute it is!
[They sit at the second table on theL.
EnterPINKEYandMISSMACAW,arm-in-arm,C.D.
Miss Sky.Indeed! bringsherhere—I was quite right to reject him!
Dam.(Looking atMISSMACAW.)I wish she was my wife—I’d wring her heart for this!
Pin.How d’ye do, all of you? Now, my dear Miss Macaw, pray take a chair—I shall be distressed if I neglect any attention that you may look for!
Miss Sky.Dear me, how gallant—I’ll coquet with Mr. Damper!
Miss Mea.’Tis very strange that no one appears to receive us.
All.(To each other, and with great coquetry.)Very, very strange! Don’t you think so?
Miss Mea.What is this? A letter! and directed “From, the lady of the house to Mr. Pinkey.”(Taking up the pink letter on the table.)
Pin.To me!
[PINKEYrises in alarm,MISSMEADOWShands him the letter.
Pin.(Reading.)“From the lady of the house to——” Oh, dear, what can it be about?
Boss.A love letter, perhaps.
All.Read it—read it!
Pin.(Opens the letter and reads; they all rise and surround him.)“The lady of the house hearing that her new neighbours have formed attachments that only require a little decision and a good example to end in matrimony, has invited them topropose, that each person shall write on a slip of paper the name of the party that he or she could be most happy with for life, and where there may be a mutuality to marry accordingly.
All.How strange—how odd!
Nig.Hush! Go on.
All.Go on.
Pin.(Continuing.)“When the selections are made and announced, let each gentleman fall gallantly on his knee to the object of his choice, and at that moment the lady of the house will appear.” There, now, what’s to be done?
Nig.The lady’s command must of course be obeyed!
All.Certainly—certainly.
Dam.Aha! Aha! Now Hymen’s torch is indeed blazing away in the midst of us. Burn your wings, ye infatuated moths, do! Bob blindly into the flame, and experience all the agonies I have long pictured to you—I’ll set you the example! Here—here is paper—pens too! Write—write—and seal your miseries!
[DAMPERgoes to the centre table, and supplies the group with writing paper; they take pens, go to the tables where they were before seated, and write, looking towards the object of their choice.
Dam.Have you done?
All.Yes, yes.
Dam.Place your papers on this table—the women bythemselves, the gentlemen bythemselves—I’ll officiate as parish clerk and publish what banns I may!
[The ladies place their papers on one side of the centre table—the gentlemen on the other. All retire to their places.
Dam.(At the table.)Silence!(He selects two papers.)“John Niggle, Caroline Coy.” Now for Caroline Coy—the choice is mutual—’tis John Niggle. Are you agreed?
Nig.Do you relent? Am I to be so happy? I cannot fluctuate now—forgive me—say but the word, and I am in your arms!
Miss C.As I have received a promise of help in my difficulties, I can’t refuse you!
Dam.Miserable being, go to your lady!
Nig.(Running toMISSCOYand embracing her.)Happy man that I am, how can I express my joy?
Miss C.By your silence.
[DAMPERselects two other slips.
Dam.“Narcissus Boss, Sarah Snare.” The lady’s choice is fixed upon the same gentleman. Are you agreed?
Boss.Do you forgive me?
Dam.What has he done?
Miss Sna.If I must confess, he attempted to salute me, before making a formal declaration!
All.Oh, Boss, for shame!
Boss.Upon my life ’twas a mere grateful impulse.
Miss Sna.All the improprieties of life are impulses.
Dam.Make up your mind at once—Boss lives upon flattery, and Miss wants a husband—you can’t be better paired! Infatuated man, go to your lady!
[BOSScrosses toMISSSNAREand kisses her hand—DAMPERselects two more papers.
Dam.(Reading.)“Peter Pinkey could be happy for life with Miss Skylark”—miss ditto, with ditto gentleman.
Nig.Come Pinkey, speak out—the dumb would find words at such a moment!
Pin.Oh, bless you, I have been finding too many words—I said all that was necessary, but was rejected!
Miss Sky.Because you had proposed to another.
Pin.Upon my honor it was a mistake. In a bewildered moment Ididdo so; but I thought it was to you!
Miss Sky.(Looking atMISSMACAW.)It is not a very hard matter to believe you!
Dam.Silly boy, go to your choice. You’re young—there’s a fine long life of wretchedness in store foryou!
Pin.(Running to her.)What do you say?
Miss Sky.(Singing.)“No more by sorrow chased my heart.”
Dam.Silence, woman!(Reading papers.)“Charles Chester, Jessy Meadows.” Miss Meadows is of the same opinion.
Che.Will you take your poor artist?
Miss Mea.I am sorry that you have deceived me—I would rather that you were the humble being you first professed you were——
Che.You shall yet have your wish. To please you I will even consent to be poor.(ToMISSCOY.)Aunt Caroline!
Nig.Aunt Caroline! Are you her nephew?
Che.I am, sir. At the hazard of her own happiness, almost at the risk of her good name, she kept a secret that I required of her—I made a promise a short time since that I would replace the income she has been deprived of by her agent, and Iwilldo so; therefore, sir,(ToNIGGLE.)you do not marry a penniless woman, whilst I by impoverishing myself, gratify the object of my choice!
Dam.Madman! go take your fate by the hand, and commence your sad career!
[CHESTERcrosses toMISSMEADOWS—DAMPERreads the last papers.
All.The last couple—now for the last couple!
Dam.“David Damper, Maria Macaw—Maria Macaw, David Damper.” Eh, what d’ye think of that? Come to me, fright!(ToMISSMACAW.)
Miss Mac.(Crossing to him.)Object! I obey you.
Dam.Now isn’t it noble of us to form a marriage, for which none of you can guess the inducement?
All.(ButMISSMACAW.)Noble! noble!
Dam.You wonder what we can see in each other, don’t you? Never mind—though we don’t begin by thinking that we can’t live asunder, we may not find out, as you will, that it is impossible to live together. We are united but for one object, to worry one another; and if we fail in that object, perhaps we may be the happiest couple amongst you.
Miss Mac.Nothingcanannoy me but one question; and that is being asked my age!
Miss Mea.Did he ever dare to put that question to you?
Miss Mac.He did.
All.Oh, shame!
Dam.Well, well, never mind, Miss Macaw—the older you grow, the more your beauties will become developed. You are like the great American Aloe, by the time you’re a hundred years old, you’ll be in full bloom! eh? Ha! ha! Now, down on our knees, poor wretches that we are!
[All the gentlemen drop on one knee to their respective ladies.
Dam.Now—now for the mystery—now for the lady of the house! Where is she?
Miss Mea.Here, sir!
All.(The gentlemen rising.)You!
Che.You, Jessy!
Miss Mea.I am the lady of this house; and you, sir, have promised to marry the object of your aversion—an heiress. To avoid the importunities of heartless fortune-hunters, and in the hope to be loved for myself alone, I have resided at the cottage adjacent with my worthy relative in seclusion. Now you can comprehend my indignation, when I discovered that you were using the same means that I had selected, to gain my future happiness.
Che.And youshallbe happy, if my affection can make you so. I have seen the errors of married men, and will avoid them; you shall be treated with that attention that you are entitled to demand. I will neither harrass you with ill-temper, render you miserable by dissipation, nor insult you by slighting your society; but strive with all my heart to make you as happy as I am sure you deserve to be.
Dam.Oh, mighty fine, mighty fine—you’ll tell a differentstory in a few months! Oh! what an unhappy set of wretches we shall all be shortly!
Listen while I your miseries rehearse,Prose can’t express them, I must speak in verse!
Listen while I your miseries rehearse,
Prose can’t express them, I must speak in verse!
Miss Coy.
Pray hold your tongue—yourarguments can’t shake us,’Tis time for troubles when they overtake us;Those who meet coming miseries half way,Deserve to have them——
Pray hold your tongue—yourarguments can’t shake us,
’Tis time for troubles when they overtake us;
Those who meet coming miseries half way,
Deserve to have them——
Niggle.
That I’ve tried to sayA dozen times when I have been debatingWhether to wed or not——
That I’ve tried to say
A dozen times when I have been debating
Whether to wed or not——
Miss Meadows.
Your fluctuatingIs over now; for lo! a happy brideIs wooed and won, and smiling by your side!
Your fluctuating
Is over now; for lo! a happy bride
Is wooed and won, and smiling by your side!
Damper.
Poor wretch! anticipation strikes him mute!
Poor wretch! anticipation strikes him mute!
Miss Macaw.
Dry your wet blanket do, ungenial brute!Ifyourcold bosom no warm spark inherits,Is this a time to damp their ardent spirits?
Dry your wet blanket do, ungenial brute!
Ifyourcold bosom no warm spark inherits,
Is this a time to damp their ardent spirits?
Boss.
Oh! let him say his worst, he’s harmless now—
Oh! let him say his worst, he’s harmless now—
Miss Snare to Boss.
Toyourdecision every one must bow!
Toyourdecision every one must bow!
Boss.
Dear soul,mychoice I never shall regret;
Dear soul,mychoice I never shall regret;
Miss Skylark, (aside.)
Self love and flattery ne’er quarrell’d yet!What sayyou, sir?(To Pinkey.)
Self love and flattery ne’er quarrell’d yet!
What sayyou, sir?(To Pinkey.)
Pinkey.
My lot in life is cast,Now I’ve the rubicon of popping past.
My lot in life is cast,
Now I’ve the rubicon of popping past.
Chester.
I mean to prove, when passion may decline,That love and matrimonycancombine!
I mean to prove, when passion may decline,
That love and matrimonycancombine!
Miss Skylark (singing).
Then “Life let us cherish while yet the taper glows;”
Then “Life let us cherish while yet the taper glows;”
Damper.
Pray stop that lady—let me have reposeTo point a moral.(Advancing to the audience.)Ah! I see you two;Young man desist, you know not what you do;Take my advice, retract in time, forbear—You’re making love to that young woman there!Ah! you may look—heis,hisfate is clear,Unless he’s warn’d by what he’s witnessed here.
Pray stop that lady—let me have repose
To point a moral.(Advancing to the audience.)Ah! I see you two;
Young man desist, you know not what you do;
Take my advice, retract in time, forbear—
You’re making love to that young woman there!
Ah! you may look—heis,hisfate is clear,
Unless he’s warn’d by what he’s witnessed here.
Pinkey, interfering.
Hush! don’t—it’s delicate—like me, he mayHave borne his love in silence many a day,And I’ve a question(To the audience)I must pop toyou:I’m half ashamed, upon my life it’s true;But will you, as I mean to take a wife,Forgive the errors of my Single Life?
Hush! don’t—it’s delicate—like me, he may
Have borne his love in silence many a day,
And I’ve a question(To the audience)I must pop toyou:
I’m half ashamed, upon my life it’s true;
But will you, as I mean to take a wife,
Forgive the errors of my Single Life?
THE END.
Disposition of Characters.
(From R. to L.) BOSS. SNARE. COY. NIG. DAM. MAC. PIN. SKY. CHE. MEA.
(From R. to L.) BOSS. SNARE. COY. NIG. DAM. MAC. PIN. SKY. CHE. MEA.
“NASSAU STEAM PRESS,”W. S. JOHNSON, NASSAU STREET, SOHO.