CHAPTER ELEVEN[113]The next morning Scrogg brought Selia her morning tea and told her it would be best to have a bath.“They are made very pleasant now Madam” she explained, as she threw all Selias close into the tall basket behind the washstand, “what with bath salts and animal sponges.” Selia in surprise propped herself on elbow in the couchy bed saying “Do they then have a bath every day with clean underwear,” for even she knew it was no good to put dirty close on a clean body.“Indeed yes” said Scrogg with a kind smile. “My last lady was very particular, she would never dream to have her bath without her special frog sponge, so I made bold to buy you one yesterday in the form of a pijeon[114]which you will find in its place in the bath racket.”“Ho” said Selia “I thought such things were only for the young.”“Dear no” said Scrogg departing with the towels, “all things are animal now including electric lights.”And so Selia had a bath first however recalling Scrogg.“Go and tell Mr. Withersq to have a bath every day too” she thoughtfully said “for I fear he is not quite up to that yet.”“Very good Madam” said Scrogg and went, and so Selia tripped into the bathroom and soaped well all over with the sponge which was like a pijeon with a beak and wool eyes and when she had had a good swill and a brisk dry she felt so strong she ran out and banged all the doors all down one side of the corridor for as will be remembered she occupied a whole floor to herself.[115]And after a good breakfast with her Harold both of them reading Harold’s own newspaper propped up on the toast-machine, she departed on a mysterous errand to the Majpottels whereat Mr. Withersq made a sorry face, still as he was really very busy in the mornings he didnt mind as much as he looked, and set himself to writing his newspaper, which he now did every day as he thought it a good sport to tell others how to get on, and smiled up his sleeve to think how few would have Unckle Burts at the send-off, still it was a good wheeze as long as the craze for him lasted and made more money than ever. He was a little bored with it already however, for all though of low birth Mr. Withersq like all the truly great bored easily. And from time to time he caught himself thinking of cricket but not so much as he had done as the doctor had already given him some unthinking medesine, and each time he did[116]think he wrote a poem and they were soon to be printed in a book.At about three Selia came tripping back a bit red in the face and rather secret, and burst into Mr. Withersq room where he was eating a orange, with a noisy kiss.“Huzzah” cried she “I think I shall yet beat the band. But what are those smutty objects near your ears?”“Those are my new side-whiskers” replied her Harold unctuously “for all poets have them.”“You dog” she said “you are cutting a figure these days arent you?” And with these words she rushed away to Scrogg to be attired.At four she was ready in a slippery creation of black with no arms to it but it was not an evening dress, and a nose veil bedangling from a ravished shapoo woven of the hares of horses.“Let us sally” said she, gazing at him and he gazed at her with pride for she looked very much better.[117]“You are a treat” he said gallantly so they went down thro’ the hall which was worse than ever with a dense crowd more staring than ever to behold them, and out into their blue car en route for the Countess tea.When they got there it was a little house but smart done up in black and white paint with orange stuff for curtains, and lobellia in boxes round the windows and two marbel statues of little boys before the door, and they both had curly hair.The chauffeur rang the bell. How different it was to when both had been poor. They felt it. They strode within into a hall with bead curtains and thro’ to a room at whose door stood the Countess herself with welcoming hand.Mr. Withersq had a bit of trouble to get his hat off in time.“Ah good afternoon, how sweet of you to come” cried their hostess.“Not at all” Selia said “we were only too[118]pleased to visit you.” And they went into the room. There was a lot of folks there eating off plates in their laps and all murmured and gazed to see the heroes of the hour enter, so Selia and Mr. Withersq sat down and had some plates passed to them and stretched out for what food they could find lying about.Near by Mr. Withersq sat a youngish lady with plentiful ginger hair and robed in violet with out-shooting lips and an ernest apperence.“Do tell me” she burbled in a rich voice “how you write such beautiful poems?”But Mr. Withersq who had just tucked a cress sandwich in his mouth could not say much only growling in reply at which no one seemed cross but all present cooed and moaned, saying “Ah how simple he is” and “How true” for it was very much like the first party and “How true” was still the[119]fashion, like red hats sometimes appear and are worn awhile and then drop out.“He had poetry in him all the while” said Selia “but it did not come out.”So now the Countess came to sit beside her, and pawed at her hand in love.“Do you think the great man would come to my little riverside home one day” uttered she, “do please dear lady beg darling Mr. Withersq to come down to my little party at Maidenhead next week. There will not be much to entertain in fact we have only got two funny people coming at present but we have an excellent gramafone and perhaps the boats would give him some new idears.”All listened. Many of the ladys were chewing on strings of coloured beads hung about their necks and their ears waved for the answer.“Have you got any Harry Lauders” said[120]Selia for fun “for he is very partial to them.” Her Harold was making warning faces to her but she would not heed. Oh what an error. You could hear the brick drop. But the Countess had tact to give a little snickering laugh.“Oh I dont think he needs such low things” said she, “you do not understand. No we have only classical music. Nevertheless we should be very glad to see him as I have rather a reputation for my parties in fact I never have any but the pick of socierty in my presence and I should like to add dear Mr. Withersq to my list.”“Thank you” said Mr. Withersq not quite seeing why she so had her knife in his love “we will come.”Selia sat biting a cake to show she did not care.Most of the guests who were numerous but all ladys had put their cups down and now[121]were figetting about talking and poking into all the Countesses things fingering the curtains and picking up the ornaments to see if the price was still on the bottom, tapping her bits of furniture which were all a bit old-looking but curious and not so bad for those who are too proud to have new objects. Selia thought this very rude and sat stiff in despare finding the way to success very thorny for women as not much notice came her way, as when they were not poking about at the things in the room they were fusseling round Mr. Withersq who sat with a silly smile on his face to be the center of attraction.But as good luck would have it Selia got her own back for as she was a good bit bored she got up and said Gooby. Now it is very smart to be the first to go as it shows you do not think much of where you are, so this was a snub and had its effect for the ladys left[122]Mr. Withersq who had mislaid his hat under a chair, and came to her to bid adieu.“Thanks for coming and now you know the way you must come again” said the Countess hurrying up and tripping over some lace hanging from her arms for she was in a sort of dressing gown of pink silk “and wont you come to my river party too?”“Thanks yes I daresay I shall” said Selia as a parting arrow stiffly and stalked out, Mr. Withersquash hurrying behind, but kissing his hand to the company who smiled sweetly upon him.When they got in the car Selia sniffed a good bit and tried to cry because she was sorry for herself but she only managed a very little tear, which Mr. Withersq wiped up for her.“Do not cry” said he “for those silly cats. They have nothing better to do but to try and steal a little greatness from such as us. The time will come for them to sue for your[123]favors as they do mine and then we shall see.” So she cheered up and made him go and buy her a string of coloured beads too in a shop on the way home, and when they got back she departed to the Turkish baths to have a massage for she would need all her strength in the trial to come.
The next morning Scrogg brought Selia her morning tea and told her it would be best to have a bath.
“They are made very pleasant now Madam” she explained, as she threw all Selias close into the tall basket behind the washstand, “what with bath salts and animal sponges.” Selia in surprise propped herself on elbow in the couchy bed saying “Do they then have a bath every day with clean underwear,” for even she knew it was no good to put dirty close on a clean body.
“Indeed yes” said Scrogg with a kind smile. “My last lady was very particular, she would never dream to have her bath without her special frog sponge, so I made bold to buy you one yesterday in the form of a pijeon[114]which you will find in its place in the bath racket.”
“Ho” said Selia “I thought such things were only for the young.”
“Dear no” said Scrogg departing with the towels, “all things are animal now including electric lights.”
And so Selia had a bath first however recalling Scrogg.
“Go and tell Mr. Withersq to have a bath every day too” she thoughtfully said “for I fear he is not quite up to that yet.”
“Very good Madam” said Scrogg and went, and so Selia tripped into the bathroom and soaped well all over with the sponge which was like a pijeon with a beak and wool eyes and when she had had a good swill and a brisk dry she felt so strong she ran out and banged all the doors all down one side of the corridor for as will be remembered she occupied a whole floor to herself.
[115]And after a good breakfast with her Harold both of them reading Harold’s own newspaper propped up on the toast-machine, she departed on a mysterous errand to the Majpottels whereat Mr. Withersq made a sorry face, still as he was really very busy in the mornings he didnt mind as much as he looked, and set himself to writing his newspaper, which he now did every day as he thought it a good sport to tell others how to get on, and smiled up his sleeve to think how few would have Unckle Burts at the send-off, still it was a good wheeze as long as the craze for him lasted and made more money than ever. He was a little bored with it already however, for all though of low birth Mr. Withersq like all the truly great bored easily. And from time to time he caught himself thinking of cricket but not so much as he had done as the doctor had already given him some unthinking medesine, and each time he did[116]think he wrote a poem and they were soon to be printed in a book.
At about three Selia came tripping back a bit red in the face and rather secret, and burst into Mr. Withersq room where he was eating a orange, with a noisy kiss.
“Huzzah” cried she “I think I shall yet beat the band. But what are those smutty objects near your ears?”
“Those are my new side-whiskers” replied her Harold unctuously “for all poets have them.”
“You dog” she said “you are cutting a figure these days arent you?” And with these words she rushed away to Scrogg to be attired.
At four she was ready in a slippery creation of black with no arms to it but it was not an evening dress, and a nose veil bedangling from a ravished shapoo woven of the hares of horses.
“Let us sally” said she, gazing at him and he gazed at her with pride for she looked very much better.
[117]“You are a treat” he said gallantly so they went down thro’ the hall which was worse than ever with a dense crowd more staring than ever to behold them, and out into their blue car en route for the Countess tea.
When they got there it was a little house but smart done up in black and white paint with orange stuff for curtains, and lobellia in boxes round the windows and two marbel statues of little boys before the door, and they both had curly hair.
The chauffeur rang the bell. How different it was to when both had been poor. They felt it. They strode within into a hall with bead curtains and thro’ to a room at whose door stood the Countess herself with welcoming hand.
Mr. Withersq had a bit of trouble to get his hat off in time.
“Ah good afternoon, how sweet of you to come” cried their hostess.
“Not at all” Selia said “we were only too[118]pleased to visit you.” And they went into the room. There was a lot of folks there eating off plates in their laps and all murmured and gazed to see the heroes of the hour enter, so Selia and Mr. Withersq sat down and had some plates passed to them and stretched out for what food they could find lying about.
Near by Mr. Withersq sat a youngish lady with plentiful ginger hair and robed in violet with out-shooting lips and an ernest apperence.
“Do tell me” she burbled in a rich voice “how you write such beautiful poems?”
But Mr. Withersq who had just tucked a cress sandwich in his mouth could not say much only growling in reply at which no one seemed cross but all present cooed and moaned, saying “Ah how simple he is” and “How true” for it was very much like the first party and “How true” was still the[119]fashion, like red hats sometimes appear and are worn awhile and then drop out.
“He had poetry in him all the while” said Selia “but it did not come out.”
So now the Countess came to sit beside her, and pawed at her hand in love.
“Do you think the great man would come to my little riverside home one day” uttered she, “do please dear lady beg darling Mr. Withersq to come down to my little party at Maidenhead next week. There will not be much to entertain in fact we have only got two funny people coming at present but we have an excellent gramafone and perhaps the boats would give him some new idears.”
All listened. Many of the ladys were chewing on strings of coloured beads hung about their necks and their ears waved for the answer.
“Have you got any Harry Lauders” said[120]Selia for fun “for he is very partial to them.” Her Harold was making warning faces to her but she would not heed. Oh what an error. You could hear the brick drop. But the Countess had tact to give a little snickering laugh.
“Oh I dont think he needs such low things” said she, “you do not understand. No we have only classical music. Nevertheless we should be very glad to see him as I have rather a reputation for my parties in fact I never have any but the pick of socierty in my presence and I should like to add dear Mr. Withersq to my list.”
“Thank you” said Mr. Withersq not quite seeing why she so had her knife in his love “we will come.”
Selia sat biting a cake to show she did not care.
Most of the guests who were numerous but all ladys had put their cups down and now[121]were figetting about talking and poking into all the Countesses things fingering the curtains and picking up the ornaments to see if the price was still on the bottom, tapping her bits of furniture which were all a bit old-looking but curious and not so bad for those who are too proud to have new objects. Selia thought this very rude and sat stiff in despare finding the way to success very thorny for women as not much notice came her way, as when they were not poking about at the things in the room they were fusseling round Mr. Withersq who sat with a silly smile on his face to be the center of attraction.
But as good luck would have it Selia got her own back for as she was a good bit bored she got up and said Gooby. Now it is very smart to be the first to go as it shows you do not think much of where you are, so this was a snub and had its effect for the ladys left[122]Mr. Withersq who had mislaid his hat under a chair, and came to her to bid adieu.
“Thanks for coming and now you know the way you must come again” said the Countess hurrying up and tripping over some lace hanging from her arms for she was in a sort of dressing gown of pink silk “and wont you come to my river party too?”
“Thanks yes I daresay I shall” said Selia as a parting arrow stiffly and stalked out, Mr. Withersquash hurrying behind, but kissing his hand to the company who smiled sweetly upon him.
When they got in the car Selia sniffed a good bit and tried to cry because she was sorry for herself but she only managed a very little tear, which Mr. Withersq wiped up for her.
“Do not cry” said he “for those silly cats. They have nothing better to do but to try and steal a little greatness from such as us. The time will come for them to sue for your[123]favors as they do mine and then we shall see.” So she cheered up and made him go and buy her a string of coloured beads too in a shop on the way home, and when they got back she departed to the Turkish baths to have a massage for she would need all her strength in the trial to come.
CHAPTER TWELVE[124]The blue-coat chauffeur tucked Mr. Withersq and his Selia within the car which spead on greased wheels of lightning through the western of London and out into the more rustical parts where there were trees. Quick oh quick they moved and Selia’s heart came in her mouth several times with people and no small quantity of dogs they shaved past.Twilight had settled when they drew up with a good toot on their grunty hooter at the white wicker gate of the country home of the Countess on the evening of the proper day as they had somewhat artfully arranged only to arrive in time for dinner.As well as they could see squinting through the darkness it was a very low house and very[125]broad like a tennis club but of course more grand looking very nice with nice smelling flowers about and two white peacocks strolling on the lawn. But alas to their dismay no one was at home. Only a little page-boy and he was a stuttering one, and had some trouble to get out that the family was on the river in their boat, so that Mr. Withersq gave him a sixpence and let him go.“Dear me” said he waving away the chauffeur who took off the car, “we are nicely sold and shall get no grub.”“Yes indeed” said Selia very crossly “I think we had better go home again” for she had a vacancy.“Not so” cried he “we have not come so far for nothing. Come with me.”Now Selia was more than a bit tired and only followed him because she hoped to be fed rebuffing his kindly arm, she tottered on her high heels beside him in smothering rage.[126]But past experiences had taught our hero. “Fear not” he said “you will be well filled yet, for Unckle Burt has not died for nothing.”And he led her through the dark lanes under the creepy trees towards the spottling lights of a near village. Selia was a good bit afraid as she feared to step on a frog or some other vermin and went picking her way. Still she had a pluck and kept moving only wishing herself elsewhere.Soon they struck a cosy little pub where a man was hissing outside over the feet of a horse which he was washing. Selia looked at the horse which exchanged her glance but Mr. Withersq looked in the pub. He came out in a short moment to find his sweet leaning against the animal.“All is well,” said he, “our party is close at hand.”“Nasty lot they might have waited for us,”[127]said she. “For I am footsore and have empty rumblings also.”“Excuse me, sir,” said the horse’s man, coming up under its stomach, “but there is a nice little ham and beef shop a few doors away.”Casting a cold look on this fellow, Selia took the talk up. “Show the gentleman the way,” said she, “and pop me on the horse, for I must have a sit down and do not care to demean myself by entering a public house.”The horse, hearing his name mentioned, turned to have a stare, but she cared little for that, knowing to be firm with the dumb creatures is best, so she made a severe face at it.“Show a leg,” cried Harold gallantly, and with a good grasp on her, and the man pushing too, they got her up on the horse.“That’s better,” she said, getting comfortable, and finding it a nice broad beast as she had hoped. So Mr. Withersq and the man[128]disapeared, leaving Selia bravely seated on the steed, which champed its bit somewhat, but every time it moved she cried “Whoo!” and it obeyed her, to the surprise of some yokels who peeked forth from the pub. Before long Mr. Withersqand the man came back, the latter bearing some paper bags.“Hurrah, I have food!” cried Harold, “and I am feeling most poetical. This good man will give you a lift on this horse to the Countess’s boat, so off we go.”At this the little procession set off, but first Selia cried “Oh pray give me a bite for I am perishing.” At this Mr. Withersq rustled in a bag and drew forth a sandwich and passed it up to her. So off they went in the darkness of the night, Selia on the horse, and Mr. Withersq holding one of her feet to steady her, while she chewed a rather mysterious sandwich, not being able to see what it was, and bumping a good bit on the heaving animal.[129]The horse’s man led the way down another lane, followed by some rude cheers from the pub. Before long they saw water, and in a few moments drew a halt.“Coo-ee!” howled the man.From out a large, white place looming with myriad twinkling lights an answering voice cried “Coo-ee!”“Is it another house?” said Selia. “I dont see no boat.”“It is the boat,” cried the horse’s man.Lo! on the river’s edge was a great boat like a steamer, bedecked with fairy lamps, and at the sound of our hero’s arrival many voices noised out and forms were seen on the deck. Never had Selia beheld such a vision as this grand boat.“Well, it is just like a house,” cried she.“It is a houseboat,” said Harold, “for I read it up in an etiquette book.”Oh how Selia laughed to hear this! “So[130]that is where all your stiff new ways come from, is it!” jested she, though not so coyly as she would, as her horse was sipping a little of the river, and it was hard to sit on it so sloping.“Ha, welcome!” the voice of the Countess was then heard. “Come aboard, pray! We were expecting you to supper, but still, better late than never.”So Selia dropped from the horse, jolting herself a good bit, and together with Mr. Withersq mounted a small ladder from the river’s edge up the side of this magnificent boat, and so arrived safe on the deck, at which a throng, bobbing up from all directions, seized on them with merry hand shakings, and cooings of delight, for they had been given up, and their arrival proved a welcome diversion, and Lipstick barked madly his eyes more polished than ever. The Countess who was in a tight dress of black beads sewn on stuff like[131]a serpent grasped warmly their hands and seemed more glad than before for no doubt their fame had spread more and so she thought them worth her while.“Let me introduce you to the folk” she said kindly, motioning to the group of about six behind her.“This is the well-known Mr. Bross” she continued picking on a pear-shaped gent with plump legs in white trousers and a short evening jacket, so he came up smiling with blandness.“Pleased to meet you Mr. Poet” said he and the Countess wispered to Selia “He is rather an amusing man we have asked him ten times before it is a pity he is nearly finished.”“How is that” said Selia bowing to him.“Oh he is no good at much but foreign langwages” said the Countess merrily, “and he only knows fifteen. You see as he is not[132]very high born we expect him to amuse us, and he sings very well so he has to burst into song after breakfast on Sundays to take away the rather chilly feeling on Sunday mornings. As he has already sung in ten different langwages and of course we wouldn’t like the same one twice, he only has five more weekends to come.”The langwage-singer sighed at this no doubt overhearing, and gave way to a greyish-coloured fellow reeking a little of wine. “This is Mr. Panter, you must have heard of him” said the Countess. “He makes reputations.”“Is that so” said Selia who was keeping her end up very well, “what does he make them of?”“Ah dear girl you do not understand” simpered the other lady, “we always ask him down for when one gets a bit stale of people and they have not done anything in the way of[133]a stunt lately, he makes up such sweet little stories about everyone that they become quite nice again, and for some he makes up entire reputations for a consideration, and they live on them.”“Oh I see” said Selia “it is a business.”“Naturally” said the Countess kindly “for they all want to live you know and as cats have the artfulness to live by being cats and so getting milk and meat, so many are compelled to live by having reputations which causes them to be asked about and fed. Mr. Panter has the most magnificent set of offices near the British Museum.”“I must remember him” said Selia “he might come in useful some day when we want to be noticed.”“Tush” twittered her friend “Mr. Panter leaves ladys to look after their own reputations, dont you sir?” and this remark drew a laugh from a priestly looking damsel with[134]many ropes of pearls about her elegant long neck, lolling in a deckchair near their feet, so Selia was now introduced to her and as well as she could grasp this lady did nothing but be an earl’s sister because of course if you are nobel that is enough and saves many pains.“I hear” said the earls sister who was most languid and archy in her way of speaking and holding herself, “that Mr. Bross is learning Welsh.”“Dear me” said Selia “now he will be able to come again for another week-end more.”“Certenly not” said the Countess proudly, “this is not a political house-boat, we are artists and I do not think we could bear Welsh after breakfast even on Sundays. I must speak to him and try to urge him to learn something else.”So she got up and went off to do so.Meanwhile Mr. Withersq had rather sidled away towards a nice little girl in a cream frock[135]very low and fluffy, and had talked to her and she had opened wide great eyes of amaze to him to hear so great a poet speak ordinary. He was now muttering something with many muffled laughs to a very tall oldish man in a suit of pearl grey silk, and munching a fish sandwich which from time to time he dipped in a glass of champagne he had had brought him by a menial attired as a sailor.From the chair in which she had sunk Selia pawed at her Harold’s near trouser. So he passed her down some food which she wolfed up. Then as she was tired and could not make out much of the various persons around who were all smoking long cigarettes and by their talk seemed to have endless little private jokes of their own, she went off to bed, which was down some steep brass-tipped stairs with a rope bannister, into the bowels of the boat. Imagine her surprise when she[136]opened her room door to find Scrogg knitting a sock within.“Goodday” cried Scrogg springing up and ready to unfasten her, and “Goodevening” said Selia stifling her yawn with a smile “how did ever you come here Scrogg?”“I thought you would like me” said Scrogg humbly, “so I came up the river in a little row-boat I keep for emergencies.”“I see” said Selia “that was very nice of you I’m sure. I am very tired though.”“No wonder madame” said the maid throwing her pink Greecian nightdress over her head nimbly, “with so many clever people about, for the Countess only has the first class cream at her boat parties.”“Hurrah” cried Selia “what a funny pillow!” and lo the bed she jumped in was built to the wall like a real boat’s bed and her pillow was like a life-buoy but made in feathers with a white linen cover and frilled[137]with real lace. Scrogg then quickly fixed up a hammock across the little room, under the round window, and went to bed in it, and thus to the sound of the slapping waves mistress and maid snoozed while Mr. Withersq talked of his poetry to the company on deck, still all swigging champagne till the early hours.Selia slept late next day for the fresh air made her drowsy and only peeped out of her bed in time to hear in the distance the loud end of Mr. Bross’s Sunday morning song and the applause after it. Scrogg then entered with a tray of rolls and coffee.“The Countess asked me to tell you the song was a great success” she said with her usual curtsey, “it was in Yiddish this week.”“Oh” said Selia rubbing her eyes up for the day, “how clever!” for she unluckily did not know where this was spoken. When she had just finished up her breakfast a thunderous[138]knock sounded on her door and Scrogg opened.“Dear me” said this good servant, for who should stand there but Mr. Withersq in a grand navy bathing costume embroidered with anchors and wearing canvas boots. Selia modestly hid in her bed.“None of that now” said he “all is al fresco here, so nip up. You will find a bathing costume under the pillow, and I give you five minutes.”So with a good grin he withdrew leaving Selia to spring up and quickly dress in the dinky suit which as he had said she would find under the lifebuoy pillow. She shrank a little from the eyes of the men and also swanked a bit too because of the Countess who was in a pea-green suit, and the Earls sister in mauve and the nice little girl in orange, but Selia was all in black like Annette Kellermann.“Hurrah” quoth she as she appeared and[139]they all cheered also for Selia was indeed a fine girl and Mr. Withersq patted his own back and jumped for joy to see her, knocking over a pot of flowers ornamenting the boat. The water below sparkled and looked a bit cold, the birds sang and the trees were nice and green.“One two three” said the Countess and at three such a splash occurred as all the party threw themselves recklessly into the water, followed by Lipstick the dog. Selia felt happy to find them flesh and blood after all and Harold trod the water in glee. They all had a merry sport, and Selia raced the gentleman who had been in grey silk but now in striped drawers, ending by ducking him.When the swim was over they all climbed very dripping on the deck to be received by menials with hot towels and so away to their rooms to dress, after which lunch arrived. It was a splendid repast with salmon and not[140]tinned either, and after lunch Mr. Withersq recited a new poem he had made that very day, which pleased them all very much and he got a stamp from the Earls sister to post it to the King, and Panter slapped him on the shoulder and swore never to forget him.True to their rule Mr. Withersq and Selia prepared to depart early and amid much goodbyes climbed over the side and down the ladder to terra firma where their car awaited them, and waved themselves off, while Scrogg meanwhile was seen to get into her little boat and soon vanished round the corner of the water rowing hard.As Selia sank back into the car with a parting wave to the boat, Mr. Withersq caught her in a firm kiss.“Tush” she said “have done.” But she was not so vexed as she seemed for she loved him but of course she still had to be a bit coy.[141]“I think we are doing very well” said he smacking his lips, and emerging a great cigar from his pocket. “Bross gave me this and I think he will consent to come to our parties when we have a house.”Selia blushed at his meaning glance at this word, and then said “No doubt he will be glad to dear Harold. And it will not be so long now for next week I hope to show them the stuff I am made of and have my photo in the weekly papers, which is fame.”So hand in hand with Mr. Withersq puffing the big cigar they glided back to London and their hotel.
The blue-coat chauffeur tucked Mr. Withersq and his Selia within the car which spead on greased wheels of lightning through the western of London and out into the more rustical parts where there were trees. Quick oh quick they moved and Selia’s heart came in her mouth several times with people and no small quantity of dogs they shaved past.
Twilight had settled when they drew up with a good toot on their grunty hooter at the white wicker gate of the country home of the Countess on the evening of the proper day as they had somewhat artfully arranged only to arrive in time for dinner.
As well as they could see squinting through the darkness it was a very low house and very[125]broad like a tennis club but of course more grand looking very nice with nice smelling flowers about and two white peacocks strolling on the lawn. But alas to their dismay no one was at home. Only a little page-boy and he was a stuttering one, and had some trouble to get out that the family was on the river in their boat, so that Mr. Withersq gave him a sixpence and let him go.
“Dear me” said he waving away the chauffeur who took off the car, “we are nicely sold and shall get no grub.”
“Yes indeed” said Selia very crossly “I think we had better go home again” for she had a vacancy.
“Not so” cried he “we have not come so far for nothing. Come with me.”
Now Selia was more than a bit tired and only followed him because she hoped to be fed rebuffing his kindly arm, she tottered on her high heels beside him in smothering rage.[126]But past experiences had taught our hero. “Fear not” he said “you will be well filled yet, for Unckle Burt has not died for nothing.”
And he led her through the dark lanes under the creepy trees towards the spottling lights of a near village. Selia was a good bit afraid as she feared to step on a frog or some other vermin and went picking her way. Still she had a pluck and kept moving only wishing herself elsewhere.
Soon they struck a cosy little pub where a man was hissing outside over the feet of a horse which he was washing. Selia looked at the horse which exchanged her glance but Mr. Withersq looked in the pub. He came out in a short moment to find his sweet leaning against the animal.
“All is well,” said he, “our party is close at hand.”
“Nasty lot they might have waited for us,”[127]said she. “For I am footsore and have empty rumblings also.”
“Excuse me, sir,” said the horse’s man, coming up under its stomach, “but there is a nice little ham and beef shop a few doors away.”
Casting a cold look on this fellow, Selia took the talk up. “Show the gentleman the way,” said she, “and pop me on the horse, for I must have a sit down and do not care to demean myself by entering a public house.”
The horse, hearing his name mentioned, turned to have a stare, but she cared little for that, knowing to be firm with the dumb creatures is best, so she made a severe face at it.
“Show a leg,” cried Harold gallantly, and with a good grasp on her, and the man pushing too, they got her up on the horse.
“That’s better,” she said, getting comfortable, and finding it a nice broad beast as she had hoped. So Mr. Withersq and the man[128]disapeared, leaving Selia bravely seated on the steed, which champed its bit somewhat, but every time it moved she cried “Whoo!” and it obeyed her, to the surprise of some yokels who peeked forth from the pub. Before long Mr. Withersqand the man came back, the latter bearing some paper bags.
“Hurrah, I have food!” cried Harold, “and I am feeling most poetical. This good man will give you a lift on this horse to the Countess’s boat, so off we go.”
At this the little procession set off, but first Selia cried “Oh pray give me a bite for I am perishing.” At this Mr. Withersq rustled in a bag and drew forth a sandwich and passed it up to her. So off they went in the darkness of the night, Selia on the horse, and Mr. Withersq holding one of her feet to steady her, while she chewed a rather mysterious sandwich, not being able to see what it was, and bumping a good bit on the heaving animal.[129]The horse’s man led the way down another lane, followed by some rude cheers from the pub. Before long they saw water, and in a few moments drew a halt.
“Coo-ee!” howled the man.
From out a large, white place looming with myriad twinkling lights an answering voice cried “Coo-ee!”
“Is it another house?” said Selia. “I dont see no boat.”
“It is the boat,” cried the horse’s man.
Lo! on the river’s edge was a great boat like a steamer, bedecked with fairy lamps, and at the sound of our hero’s arrival many voices noised out and forms were seen on the deck. Never had Selia beheld such a vision as this grand boat.
“Well, it is just like a house,” cried she.
“It is a houseboat,” said Harold, “for I read it up in an etiquette book.”
Oh how Selia laughed to hear this! “So[130]that is where all your stiff new ways come from, is it!” jested she, though not so coyly as she would, as her horse was sipping a little of the river, and it was hard to sit on it so sloping.
“Ha, welcome!” the voice of the Countess was then heard. “Come aboard, pray! We were expecting you to supper, but still, better late than never.”
So Selia dropped from the horse, jolting herself a good bit, and together with Mr. Withersq mounted a small ladder from the river’s edge up the side of this magnificent boat, and so arrived safe on the deck, at which a throng, bobbing up from all directions, seized on them with merry hand shakings, and cooings of delight, for they had been given up, and their arrival proved a welcome diversion, and Lipstick barked madly his eyes more polished than ever. The Countess who was in a tight dress of black beads sewn on stuff like[131]a serpent grasped warmly their hands and seemed more glad than before for no doubt their fame had spread more and so she thought them worth her while.
“Let me introduce you to the folk” she said kindly, motioning to the group of about six behind her.
“This is the well-known Mr. Bross” she continued picking on a pear-shaped gent with plump legs in white trousers and a short evening jacket, so he came up smiling with blandness.
“Pleased to meet you Mr. Poet” said he and the Countess wispered to Selia “He is rather an amusing man we have asked him ten times before it is a pity he is nearly finished.”
“How is that” said Selia bowing to him.
“Oh he is no good at much but foreign langwages” said the Countess merrily, “and he only knows fifteen. You see as he is not[132]very high born we expect him to amuse us, and he sings very well so he has to burst into song after breakfast on Sundays to take away the rather chilly feeling on Sunday mornings. As he has already sung in ten different langwages and of course we wouldn’t like the same one twice, he only has five more weekends to come.”
The langwage-singer sighed at this no doubt overhearing, and gave way to a greyish-coloured fellow reeking a little of wine. “This is Mr. Panter, you must have heard of him” said the Countess. “He makes reputations.”
“Is that so” said Selia who was keeping her end up very well, “what does he make them of?”
“Ah dear girl you do not understand” simpered the other lady, “we always ask him down for when one gets a bit stale of people and they have not done anything in the way of[133]a stunt lately, he makes up such sweet little stories about everyone that they become quite nice again, and for some he makes up entire reputations for a consideration, and they live on them.”
“Oh I see” said Selia “it is a business.”
“Naturally” said the Countess kindly “for they all want to live you know and as cats have the artfulness to live by being cats and so getting milk and meat, so many are compelled to live by having reputations which causes them to be asked about and fed. Mr. Panter has the most magnificent set of offices near the British Museum.”
“I must remember him” said Selia “he might come in useful some day when we want to be noticed.”
“Tush” twittered her friend “Mr. Panter leaves ladys to look after their own reputations, dont you sir?” and this remark drew a laugh from a priestly looking damsel with[134]many ropes of pearls about her elegant long neck, lolling in a deckchair near their feet, so Selia was now introduced to her and as well as she could grasp this lady did nothing but be an earl’s sister because of course if you are nobel that is enough and saves many pains.
“I hear” said the earls sister who was most languid and archy in her way of speaking and holding herself, “that Mr. Bross is learning Welsh.”
“Dear me” said Selia “now he will be able to come again for another week-end more.”
“Certenly not” said the Countess proudly, “this is not a political house-boat, we are artists and I do not think we could bear Welsh after breakfast even on Sundays. I must speak to him and try to urge him to learn something else.”
So she got up and went off to do so.
Meanwhile Mr. Withersq had rather sidled away towards a nice little girl in a cream frock[135]very low and fluffy, and had talked to her and she had opened wide great eyes of amaze to him to hear so great a poet speak ordinary. He was now muttering something with many muffled laughs to a very tall oldish man in a suit of pearl grey silk, and munching a fish sandwich which from time to time he dipped in a glass of champagne he had had brought him by a menial attired as a sailor.
From the chair in which she had sunk Selia pawed at her Harold’s near trouser. So he passed her down some food which she wolfed up. Then as she was tired and could not make out much of the various persons around who were all smoking long cigarettes and by their talk seemed to have endless little private jokes of their own, she went off to bed, which was down some steep brass-tipped stairs with a rope bannister, into the bowels of the boat. Imagine her surprise when she[136]opened her room door to find Scrogg knitting a sock within.
“Goodday” cried Scrogg springing up and ready to unfasten her, and “Goodevening” said Selia stifling her yawn with a smile “how did ever you come here Scrogg?”
“I thought you would like me” said Scrogg humbly, “so I came up the river in a little row-boat I keep for emergencies.”
“I see” said Selia “that was very nice of you I’m sure. I am very tired though.”
“No wonder madame” said the maid throwing her pink Greecian nightdress over her head nimbly, “with so many clever people about, for the Countess only has the first class cream at her boat parties.”
“Hurrah” cried Selia “what a funny pillow!” and lo the bed she jumped in was built to the wall like a real boat’s bed and her pillow was like a life-buoy but made in feathers with a white linen cover and frilled[137]with real lace. Scrogg then quickly fixed up a hammock across the little room, under the round window, and went to bed in it, and thus to the sound of the slapping waves mistress and maid snoozed while Mr. Withersq talked of his poetry to the company on deck, still all swigging champagne till the early hours.
Selia slept late next day for the fresh air made her drowsy and only peeped out of her bed in time to hear in the distance the loud end of Mr. Bross’s Sunday morning song and the applause after it. Scrogg then entered with a tray of rolls and coffee.
“The Countess asked me to tell you the song was a great success” she said with her usual curtsey, “it was in Yiddish this week.”
“Oh” said Selia rubbing her eyes up for the day, “how clever!” for she unluckily did not know where this was spoken. When she had just finished up her breakfast a thunderous[138]knock sounded on her door and Scrogg opened.
“Dear me” said this good servant, for who should stand there but Mr. Withersq in a grand navy bathing costume embroidered with anchors and wearing canvas boots. Selia modestly hid in her bed.
“None of that now” said he “all is al fresco here, so nip up. You will find a bathing costume under the pillow, and I give you five minutes.”
So with a good grin he withdrew leaving Selia to spring up and quickly dress in the dinky suit which as he had said she would find under the lifebuoy pillow. She shrank a little from the eyes of the men and also swanked a bit too because of the Countess who was in a pea-green suit, and the Earls sister in mauve and the nice little girl in orange, but Selia was all in black like Annette Kellermann.
“Hurrah” quoth she as she appeared and[139]they all cheered also for Selia was indeed a fine girl and Mr. Withersq patted his own back and jumped for joy to see her, knocking over a pot of flowers ornamenting the boat. The water below sparkled and looked a bit cold, the birds sang and the trees were nice and green.
“One two three” said the Countess and at three such a splash occurred as all the party threw themselves recklessly into the water, followed by Lipstick the dog. Selia felt happy to find them flesh and blood after all and Harold trod the water in glee. They all had a merry sport, and Selia raced the gentleman who had been in grey silk but now in striped drawers, ending by ducking him.
When the swim was over they all climbed very dripping on the deck to be received by menials with hot towels and so away to their rooms to dress, after which lunch arrived. It was a splendid repast with salmon and not[140]tinned either, and after lunch Mr. Withersq recited a new poem he had made that very day, which pleased them all very much and he got a stamp from the Earls sister to post it to the King, and Panter slapped him on the shoulder and swore never to forget him.
True to their rule Mr. Withersq and Selia prepared to depart early and amid much goodbyes climbed over the side and down the ladder to terra firma where their car awaited them, and waved themselves off, while Scrogg meanwhile was seen to get into her little boat and soon vanished round the corner of the water rowing hard.
As Selia sank back into the car with a parting wave to the boat, Mr. Withersq caught her in a firm kiss.
“Tush” she said “have done.” But she was not so vexed as she seemed for she loved him but of course she still had to be a bit coy.
[141]“I think we are doing very well” said he smacking his lips, and emerging a great cigar from his pocket. “Bross gave me this and I think he will consent to come to our parties when we have a house.”
Selia blushed at his meaning glance at this word, and then said “No doubt he will be glad to dear Harold. And it will not be so long now for next week I hope to show them the stuff I am made of and have my photo in the weekly papers, which is fame.”
So hand in hand with Mr. Withersq puffing the big cigar they glided back to London and their hotel.
LAST CHAPTER[142]It is now the folowing Saterday.Meanwhile the brothers Majpottel had not been idel for they had wangeled it as well as they could, dropped a hint here and a word there in the usuel way and kept expectations up toscratch for the great day of Selia’s tussel with fate, and this was to come off that very after noon.Selia was lying on her second floor at the Grand Palace and being swilled down by a lot of ladys and girls that had come round to look after her like boxers are done to, and they rubbed and slapped and jumped her about and flipped her with towels and squooshed water on her till her arms were as hard as nails and so were her legs too which was lucky as in tennis you want both.[143]When they had done with her they helped her to dress and pouder and then attended her like handmaids to the taxi that was waiting, as Mr. Withersquash had bought one for her to use. Mr. Withersq who was now wearing the special poets badge in his coat was waiting for her.“My hour has come” she wispered to him, she felt a bit bad inside at the idear. “Have pluck” he wispered back “and then we can get married!”So off she drove to Lords which is a large park so called because all the nuts go there to see the games going on. When they got there there was a dense throttling crowd and they went in and had a look round to get their breath before starting. Where they had got to was the wrong part among the crowd so they pushed on through to the socierty part. Selia was arrayed in a cordion pleeted white robe with shoes and stockings to match and[144]Mr. Withersq wore his best day suit and shiny topper in fine stile and all made way for them with murmurs of praise so on they stept very saucy.When they came to the socierty part which had a rope round and went to go in an haughty dame sniffled over them and would have stopped them specially Selia.“And pray what are you up to my good girl?” said she very nasty, but just then their old friend the admiral came leaping up now in a white garb, and said:“Way for the Head Poet and Lady!”So the haughty dame had to make way and felt very sore put down no doubt.After shaking hands with the admiral they stept on to where the King and Queen had just arrived and said goodday to them which drew a cry of surprise from all present to see them so well known by the Highest in the Land.His Magesty called out,[145]“The Lady Selia wants to beat the world with her skill at tennis. Who will take her on?”And Rupert and Gerald Majpottel now came tripping up and cried “Hi! This way for the lady tennis champions! Anyone want to try their strength? Walk up and try to beat the Lady Selia!” This made the company laugh very harty to hear the brothers go on in this way, which was their little joke and did a lot of good. For the head lady tennis players who had been lounging idly in chairs behind the King and Queen now sprang fiercely forward on hearing this cry of the Majpottels and said “Here we are!” and there were three of them.Meantime the crowd was crowding something awful all round the socierty part and staring and the newspaper men were taking photos and scribbling in books about it. Oh what a moment! Almost for a tick Selia[146]wished Mr. Withersquashes Unckle Burt had never passed away, but then girding herself up, and blushing a little at the roar of cheers that rose when the crowd saw that she was a sport, she tossed off her hat with a proud toss, and summoned for a bat.“Come on then!” she yelled to the head lady tennis players.“Not so fast!” cried the Queen kindly “for there are three to one against which we all know is wrong.”So one of the three head tennis ladys who all had medals on their chests because of all the games they had won, said she would take sides with Selia. And some of the socierty folks snigered and said “tosh” for they did not know Selia and bemeaned her being as they well knew only humbel of birth for she had got her name up owing to having got on so lately.Out on the grassy sward she stept swashing her tennis bat while Mr. Withersquash fondly gazed on her from beside royalty.[147]“Pom!” the game began and a ball came over. And “pom!” Selia hit it back and so she went on. Nothing could get past her. Oh she was very clever at tennis was Selia though her light had hitherto been under a bushel.Love thirty, love forty, game, so it went on and on for ages, and then when at the last the lady partner playing with Selia got a bit waxy because she never had a chance to touch a ball and began grumbling, Selia took her on too and smashed her although she was on the same side of the net, and smashed the two ladys on the other side and smashed them all and they could hardly stand they were so tired and cross.“Hurrah, hurrah” cried Mr. Withersquash from the socierty part, and the King and Queen stood up to have a better look and the crowd roared and the brothers Majpottel fell on each others necks and cried very loud and wet for joy they were so glad and in fact it was a proper sight you never saw the like of[148]until at last Selia threw up her tennis bat in the air and cried very loud:“Have you had enough?”And the two lady players on the other side of the net and the one lady partner who had also been beaten although a partner said all together: “Yes!” and casting down the medals from off their dishonorable bosoms they slunk away and were seen no more and Selia was left triumphant on the field which was a neat little plot of green amidst all the cheering multitude, and the Queen bekoned and she went back up into the socierty part, hanging her head with modesty.“Cheers” said the King kindly as she strode up, and the Queen took her hand and patted it and said “You are made of good stuff my dear and will make a good man happy” at which she made a meaning sign to Mr. Withersq.With a deep blush Selia slopped into his[149]arms and he placed a kiss on her lip at which all present cried aloud and smiled and were delited to see a romance of the kind.“I hereby announce that my Head Poet and his young lady Selia are engaged” then said the King stroking his beard and he was the first to shake hands with the honorable and lucky Harold.Just then a page boy stepped up with a great bouquet in his hands which he laid at Selia’s feet. So Mr. Withersq gave him a bob and on the bouquet was a little label saying “With all good wishes from the boys” so Selia knew she had not been forgot by her old friends.And now let us take leave of Mr. Withersq with his Selia in his arms surrounded by royalty and the flower of England’s socierty, he the Head Poet and she the Queen of Sport. For what more could their hearts desire?
It is now the folowing Saterday.
Meanwhile the brothers Majpottel had not been idel for they had wangeled it as well as they could, dropped a hint here and a word there in the usuel way and kept expectations up toscratch for the great day of Selia’s tussel with fate, and this was to come off that very after noon.
Selia was lying on her second floor at the Grand Palace and being swilled down by a lot of ladys and girls that had come round to look after her like boxers are done to, and they rubbed and slapped and jumped her about and flipped her with towels and squooshed water on her till her arms were as hard as nails and so were her legs too which was lucky as in tennis you want both.
[143]When they had done with her they helped her to dress and pouder and then attended her like handmaids to the taxi that was waiting, as Mr. Withersquash had bought one for her to use. Mr. Withersq who was now wearing the special poets badge in his coat was waiting for her.
“My hour has come” she wispered to him, she felt a bit bad inside at the idear. “Have pluck” he wispered back “and then we can get married!”
So off she drove to Lords which is a large park so called because all the nuts go there to see the games going on. When they got there there was a dense throttling crowd and they went in and had a look round to get their breath before starting. Where they had got to was the wrong part among the crowd so they pushed on through to the socierty part. Selia was arrayed in a cordion pleeted white robe with shoes and stockings to match and[144]Mr. Withersq wore his best day suit and shiny topper in fine stile and all made way for them with murmurs of praise so on they stept very saucy.
When they came to the socierty part which had a rope round and went to go in an haughty dame sniffled over them and would have stopped them specially Selia.
“And pray what are you up to my good girl?” said she very nasty, but just then their old friend the admiral came leaping up now in a white garb, and said:
“Way for the Head Poet and Lady!”
So the haughty dame had to make way and felt very sore put down no doubt.
After shaking hands with the admiral they stept on to where the King and Queen had just arrived and said goodday to them which drew a cry of surprise from all present to see them so well known by the Highest in the Land.
His Magesty called out,
[145]“The Lady Selia wants to beat the world with her skill at tennis. Who will take her on?”
And Rupert and Gerald Majpottel now came tripping up and cried “Hi! This way for the lady tennis champions! Anyone want to try their strength? Walk up and try to beat the Lady Selia!” This made the company laugh very harty to hear the brothers go on in this way, which was their little joke and did a lot of good. For the head lady tennis players who had been lounging idly in chairs behind the King and Queen now sprang fiercely forward on hearing this cry of the Majpottels and said “Here we are!” and there were three of them.
Meantime the crowd was crowding something awful all round the socierty part and staring and the newspaper men were taking photos and scribbling in books about it. Oh what a moment! Almost for a tick Selia[146]wished Mr. Withersquashes Unckle Burt had never passed away, but then girding herself up, and blushing a little at the roar of cheers that rose when the crowd saw that she was a sport, she tossed off her hat with a proud toss, and summoned for a bat.
“Come on then!” she yelled to the head lady tennis players.
“Not so fast!” cried the Queen kindly “for there are three to one against which we all know is wrong.”
So one of the three head tennis ladys who all had medals on their chests because of all the games they had won, said she would take sides with Selia. And some of the socierty folks snigered and said “tosh” for they did not know Selia and bemeaned her being as they well knew only humbel of birth for she had got her name up owing to having got on so lately.
Out on the grassy sward she stept swashing her tennis bat while Mr. Withersquash fondly gazed on her from beside royalty.
[147]“Pom!” the game began and a ball came over. And “pom!” Selia hit it back and so she went on. Nothing could get past her. Oh she was very clever at tennis was Selia though her light had hitherto been under a bushel.
Love thirty, love forty, game, so it went on and on for ages, and then when at the last the lady partner playing with Selia got a bit waxy because she never had a chance to touch a ball and began grumbling, Selia took her on too and smashed her although she was on the same side of the net, and smashed the two ladys on the other side and smashed them all and they could hardly stand they were so tired and cross.
“Hurrah, hurrah” cried Mr. Withersquash from the socierty part, and the King and Queen stood up to have a better look and the crowd roared and the brothers Majpottel fell on each others necks and cried very loud and wet for joy they were so glad and in fact it was a proper sight you never saw the like of[148]until at last Selia threw up her tennis bat in the air and cried very loud:
“Have you had enough?”
And the two lady players on the other side of the net and the one lady partner who had also been beaten although a partner said all together: “Yes!” and casting down the medals from off their dishonorable bosoms they slunk away and were seen no more and Selia was left triumphant on the field which was a neat little plot of green amidst all the cheering multitude, and the Queen bekoned and she went back up into the socierty part, hanging her head with modesty.
“Cheers” said the King kindly as she strode up, and the Queen took her hand and patted it and said “You are made of good stuff my dear and will make a good man happy” at which she made a meaning sign to Mr. Withersq.
With a deep blush Selia slopped into his[149]arms and he placed a kiss on her lip at which all present cried aloud and smiled and were delited to see a romance of the kind.
“I hereby announce that my Head Poet and his young lady Selia are engaged” then said the King stroking his beard and he was the first to shake hands with the honorable and lucky Harold.
Just then a page boy stepped up with a great bouquet in his hands which he laid at Selia’s feet. So Mr. Withersq gave him a bob and on the bouquet was a little label saying “With all good wishes from the boys” so Selia knew she had not been forgot by her old friends.
And now let us take leave of Mr. Withersq with his Selia in his arms surrounded by royalty and the flower of England’s socierty, he the Head Poet and she the Queen of Sport. For what more could their hearts desire?
Transcriber’s NoteSpelling has been left as printed, except that the sole instance of “Mr. Withers” has been amended to read “Mr. Withersq”; a handful of opening quotation marks have been adjusted for clarity.Inconsistent hyphenation (dressing-gown/dressing gown, eating-apartment/eating apartment, house-boat/houseboat, life-buoy/lifebuoy, limerick-poet/limerick poet, page-boy/page boy, well-known/well known) has been retained.The character Emilyon Boom is also sometimes “Emilian Boom” and sometimes “Boon”; this variation has been retained.
Spelling has been left as printed, except that the sole instance of “Mr. Withers” has been amended to read “Mr. Withersq”; a handful of opening quotation marks have been adjusted for clarity.
Inconsistent hyphenation (dressing-gown/dressing gown, eating-apartment/eating apartment, house-boat/houseboat, life-buoy/lifebuoy, limerick-poet/limerick poet, page-boy/page boy, well-known/well known) has been retained.
The character Emilyon Boom is also sometimes “Emilian Boom” and sometimes “Boon”; this variation has been retained.