The Christmas Conspiracy

A Christmas Play For Boys and Girls

By Elizabeth Woodbridge

CHARACTERS

Real Children, Harry, Nell, Bobby, Dot.Mother Goose Children, Jack, Jill, Miss Muffet, Boy Blue, Simple Simon, Jack Horner, Bo-Peep, Mistress Mary Quite Contrary.Mother Goose.Santa Claus.SCENEA dimly lighted sitting-room, showing a fireplace and at least one window. Leaning against the wall beside the fire place, a huge book of nursery rimes, with a picture of Mother Goose on the cover.TIMEThe night before Christmas.

Real Children, Harry, Nell, Bobby, Dot.

Mother Goose Children, Jack, Jill, Miss Muffet, Boy Blue, Simple Simon, Jack Horner, Bo-Peep, Mistress Mary Quite Contrary.

Mother Goose.

Santa Claus.

SCENE

A dimly lighted sitting-room, showing a fireplace and at least one window. Leaning against the wall beside the fire place, a huge book of nursery rimes, with a picture of Mother Goose on the cover.

TIME

The night before Christmas.

[EnterHarryandNell,with stockings to hang up.]

Harry.Come on! Let’s hang ’em here!

Nell.Where are Bobby and Dot?

Harry.Hi, Bobby! Hi there, Dot! Come along! We’re going to hang up our stockings now. [They go back to entrance and draw in with them two smaller children, the smaller the better, and help them hang up tiny stockings, then lead them out and return themselves—all this in dumb show, or the children may say a few words, whatever is most natural. It is better for them not to learn set speeches for this part of the business. After rearranging the stockings,HarryandNellsit down by the fire.]

Harry.What do you s’pose he’ll bring us?

Nell.I don’t know. Oh, dear! I wish it was morning!

Harry.I want a new sled. Mine’s all broken.

Nell.I want a new doll’s crib. My littlest dolly hasn’t anywhere to sleep except a bureau drawer.

Harry.Mother said you needed a new pair of eyes—ones that won’t cry so easily.

Nell.She saidyouneeded a new pair of hands—the kind that won’t slap and pinch people.

Harry.[Reaching out and drawing the Mother Goose book over to him, and pointing to the cover.] I think Mother Goose needs a new cap. Hers has never looked like much since we spilt molasses candy on it.

Nell.Oh, if Santa Claus ever brought the Mother

Goose people anything—they all need things. [She draws closer toHarry,and they open the book between them.] Miss Muffet’s footstool has holes through it, look! Mother says I poked those with the scissors when I was little.

Harry.[Turning a page.] And Boy Blue needs a new horn. He must be tired of that tin one.

Nell.[Turning another page.] And poor Bo-Peep! She’s had that same ribbon on her crook ever since I was a baby!

Harry.[Turning again.] And Jack and Jill have been banging that pail around down that hill for years and years. It must leak like everything.

Nell.I don’t believe Santa Claus ever thought of them. If he did, he would bring them things, I know he would.

Harry.How can he think of them when they don’t hang up any stockings!

Nell.Poor things!

[A voice from outside calls, “Children!”]

HarryandNell. [Getting up.] There’s Mother! [They drop the book and get as far as the door, whenNellcatchesHarry’sarm and turns back.]

Nell.Let’s take the Mother Goose people with us. They’ll feel so badly to see Santa Claus stuffing our stockings when he doesn’t give them anything—and most of them are children, too. [She picks up the book, andHarrytakes it. Both go out. Silence. FinallyJackandJillappear in the doorway, looking in. After a careful survey of the room, they tiptoe in cautiously, go to the fireplace and look up it, feel of the stockings, go to the window or windows and peer out. All this time they hold between them an old tin pail.]

Jack.[In a loud whisper.] He hasn’t come yet.

Jill.I suppose he might come ’most any minute.

Jack.We do need a new pail, sure enough. Look at this one! We couldn’t carry a cupful of water in it, even if we didn’t tumble down.

Jill.And we don’t usually tumble down, of course. It was just that once.

Boy Blue.[In the doorway, loud whisper.] Hello, Jack! Hello, Jill! Anybody else here?

JackandJill.Hello, Boy Blue! Come in!

Jack.We were just talking about Santa Claus.

Boy Blue.[Entering.] Oh, you heard what the children said. So did I.

Jill.And we do need a new pail.

Jack.[Holding out pail.] Look!

Boy Blue.Yes, I suppose you do. But look at my horn! It’s all battered up climbing stone walls after those tiresome cows.

Jill.Of course!

Boy Blue.And once I dropped it down the well. I was helping Johnny Stout get that pussy-cat out that Tommy Green put in.

JackandJill.Horrid boy, that Tommy Green!

Boy Blue.And it really hasn’t tooted very well since then.

[Miss Muffet,a very little girl, appears at door. She holds a little stool or hassock under one arm, and in the other hand a string, from which hangs a large, black spider.]

Jill.Why, here’s Little Miss Muffet, too! [Jillgoes over to door, takes her hand, and leads her in.] I do believe she thinks she needs a new tuffet. Is that it, Miss Muffet?

Miss Muffet.Yes. Look at it! And I need a new spider, too.

Jack.[Examining the spider.] Why, that looks to me like a perfectly good spider. What’s the matter with your spider, Miss Muffet?

Miss Muffet.He’s black. I’m tired of a black spider. I want a yellow one—a big, yellow one.

Boy Blue.Well, I never knew Miss Muffet cared what kind of a spider it was.

[Simple Simonappears at door, hesitates.]

Jack.Oh, there’s Simple Simon! Come in, Sim, my boy! We’re all talking about what we want. What do you want?

Simple Simon.[Entering slowly and speaking with a drawl, or perhaps a stammer.] I’ve always wanted lots of things—especially pie. But I never had any pennies.

Boy Blue.[Briskly.] Then what you want is pies,—or else pennies,—which would you rather?

Simple Simon.Pies.

Jack Horner.[Entering in time to hear the last two speeches.] Here! Take mine! I picked out all the plums years ago. [Simple Simontakes the pie, and retires to back of stage to eat it.]

Boy Blue.Hello, Jack Horner! What doyouneed?

Jack Horner.[Turning to the others.] What I need is a new pie.

Mistress Mary Quite Contrary.[Entering.] And whatIneed is a new watering-pot. [Pettishly.] Look at this old thing!

Bo-Peep.[Entering.] There’s Mistress Mary,quiteas contrary as usual! But, now really, children, no joking,Ido need a fresh ribbon. You all heard what Harry and Nell said. They noticed it. I suppose everybody has.

Jill.[Patronizing but friendly.] Yes, Bo-Peep, we allnoticed, only we’ve been too polite to speak about it. [Confidentially, with an air of wisdom.] Have you ever tried dampening it and pressing it?

Bo-Peep.Yes, Mother Goose does that for me every little while.

Jill.But itisbadly faded, isn’t it?

Bo-Peep.Of course it is! How could it help being? I’ve been chasing those sheep foryears, out in the hot sun, and hooking their legs—like—like this!

[She reverses her crook and begins hooking it around the children’s ankles. They hop and run to escape her. Screams and laughter.]

Mother Goose.[Entering, waving her stick at them.] Children! children! Whatareyou doing? You’ll wake the house! And Santa Claus may pop in any minute and catch you! Andthenwhat!

All.Catch us? What fun!

Jack.Perhaps we’d catch him! We’d make him give us a new pail, wouldn’t we, Jill?

Bo-Peep.And me a new ribbon.

Boy Blue.And me a new horn.

Mistress Mary.And me a new watering-pot.

Jack Horner.And me a new pie.

Simple Simon.I’d like some pie, too.

Jack.And Miss Muffet, here, wants a new tuffet.

Miss Muffet.Anda new spider—a yellow one.

Mother Goose.What children you are! Poor old Santa Claus! Hasn’t he enough to do now, without your teasing him for things?

Jack.But he never gives us anything.

All.Harry and Nell said so, too.

Jill.And they said he surely would if he only thought.

Jack.[Facing the rest, and striking an attitude.] Let’smakehim think!

All.How? how?

Jack.All hide here, and wait till he comes, and then jump out at him, and capture him.

All.Oh, what fun! Let’s! [They turn toMother Goose.] May we? may we?

Mother Goose.If you promise you won’t hurt him.

All.Oh, we won’t; we won’t.

[They prance with glee, then take hands and circle aroundMother Goose,singing:]

Oh, we’ve planned the greatest lark you ever heard!’Twould be dreadful if it wasn’t so absurd.From our lairs behind the chairs,On old Santa, unawares,We’ll just spring, and jump, and pounce, without a word.He doesn’t know we’re waiting here to-night.We’ll surprise him, so he’ll never dare to fight.From our lairs behind the chairs,We will take him unawares,And we’re sure he’ll have an awful, awful fright.

Oh, we’ve planned the greatest lark you ever heard!

’Twould be dreadful if it wasn’t so absurd.

From our lairs behind the chairs,

On old Santa, unawares,

We’ll just spring, and jump, and pounce, without a word.

He doesn’t know we’re waiting here to-night.We’ll surprise him, so he’ll never dare to fight.From our lairs behind the chairs,We will take him unawares,And we’re sure he’ll have an awful, awful fright.

He doesn’t know we’re waiting here to-night.

We’ll surprise him, so he’ll never dare to fight.

From our lairs behind the chairs,

We will take him unawares,

And we’re sure he’ll have an awful, awful fright.

[Listen]

[After the song, they stop and listen. A sound of distant sleigh-bells is heard. The children scatter and hide behind the furniture or in dark corners.Mother Gooseretires to entrance door and stands in its shadow.]

[The bells sound louder, then cease. The window is opened slowly.Santa Clausenters, sets in his pack, goes out again and brings in a big sled, closes window and comes forward to fire, rubbing his hands.]

Santa Claus.Such houses! A fellow has to prowl and prowl around a house like a thief to find a place to get in. Look at that chimney! They’ll expect me to come in on the telephone-wire next. Well—here are the stockings—one—two—three—four.

[At a signal fromJack,the children creep out and spring uponSanta Clausfrom behind. They pull him down, hold his hands and legs, and pull him to a big chair in the middle of the room. MeanwhileSanta Clauscalls, “Help! help! murder!”Jackat length stops his mouth by winding a handkerchief about his head. ThisJackdoes leaning over him from behind.]

Jack.Now, Santa Claus, it’s no use to wiggle and scream. You’re caught. Will you be good and quiet? If you will, hold up both hands, and waggle the fingers. [Santa Clausdoes so.] All right. [Jacktakes off handkerchief and comes around toward front.] Now, listen. We don’t mean any harm—

Santa Claus.Oh, you don’t, you young scamps!

Jack.[With dignity.] We’re not scamps, and we promised Mother Goose here not to hurt you, and we haven’t.

[Mother Goosecomes forward a little.]

Santa Claus.You’ve hurt my feelings, terribly.

Jack.Not half so much as you’ve hurt ours.

Santa Claus.What? What’s this?

All.You never gave us a present.

Jill.Never in all our lives.

Bo-Peep.And we feel badly.

Boy Blue.Terribly.

All.Terribly.

Miss Muffet.[Coming up to his knee.]And I want a new tuffet, and a new spider—a yellow one.

Jack.Jill and I want a new pail. Look at this one!

Bo-Peep.And I need—I really need—a new ribbon for my crook.

Boy Blue.And I need a new horn.

Mistress Mary.And I need a new watering-pot for my garden.

Jack Horner.And I’m juststarvingfor a new pie. There weren’t any plums left in mine, and I gave it to Simple Simon here.

Simple Simon.I’ve been wanting pie for a long time. But I never had any pennies.

Santa Claus.[Looking about at them, half amused, half vexed.] Why, you midgets! you little ruffians! Do you mean to say you’re holding me up for presents! Me! Santa Claus! The children’s friend! Held up here by force, in the dark—by a set of—of highway robbers! Aren’t you ashamed?

All.[Gathering around and pointing fingers at him, very impressively.]Aren’tyouashamed?

Miss Muffet.I want a new spider—a yellow one.

Santa Claus.You do, you little minx, you little Muffety minx! Come here!Do I look as if I kept yellow spiders in that bag?

Miss Muffet.I want a new spider.

Santa Claus.Listen to her! A yellow spider!

Miss Muffet.And a new tuffet.

Santa Claus.And a new tuffet! dear! dear!

Jack.[Severely.] You promised to be good.

Santa Claus.Mother Goose, what do you think of the way you’ve brought up these children?

Mother Goose.Well, Santa Claus, I can’t help it. Children take things pretty much into their own hands nowadays.

Santa Claus.So you won’t stand by me! [ToMiss Muffet.]And you stand there waiting for your new spider!

Miss Muffet.And my tuffet.

Santa Claus.And your tuffet.—Jack, bring me my bag.

All.Hurrah! He’s going to! he’s going to!

[Jack,with the other boys, brings over the pack and sets it down beforeSanta Claus,who opens it and begins to feel about in it. He pulls out a new little stool or hassock.]

Santa Claus.Here, Miss Muffet! Here’s your new tuffet. Sit down and see if it fits you. [Miss Muffetsits down between his knees, facing audience.Santatakes out large yellow spider on string, and dangles it down over her head, lowering it slowly until she catches sight of it. She screams, and runs to the far corner of the room.]

Santa Claus.Why, Miss Muffet! I thought you said youwanteda yellow spider!

Miss Muffet.[Coming slowly back.] I was usedto a black one. [Takes new spider by the string, gingerly, and sits down on new tuffet at Santa’s feet.]

Santa Claus.Here, Jack, here’s a new pail. And be more careful with it this time. Don’t bang it around downhill so. [Jacktakes it, starts to carry it over toJill,stumbles, and falls flat, flinging pail all across room.]

Santa Claus.There you go again! What’s the use of giving you a new pail? Jill, take care of it for him! [Takes out fresh ribbon.] Here, Bo-Peep, here’s your ribbon. [Bo-Peeptakes it, curtseys, and goes back besideJill,who helps her take off the old ribbon and tie on the new one.]

Santa Claus.Here, Mistress Mary, here’s a new watering-pot for you. Now let me see you smile. [Mistress Marysmiles and curtseys.] Here, Jack Horner. [Giving him a pie.] There are lots of plums in this. But you mustn’t pick them all out first. You must take it just as it comes. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that?

Mother Goose.Of course I’vetoldhim.

Santa Claus.Here, Simon, my boy. Here’s a pie all to yourself. And here are some pennies to buy more. Don’t let the pie-man cheat you. Youhavehad a rather hungry time, haven’t you?

Simple Simon.Yes, sir; thank you, sir.

Santa Claus.Here you, Boy Blue! Here’s a new horn. See how it sounds.

[Boy Bluetoots horn, marches aroundSanta.Children all fall in and march around him once or twice. Then horn stops, and they sing the same song as earlier, only with changes of tense:]

Oh, we planned the greatest lark you ever heard,It was dreadful, but oh, wasn’t it absurd?From our lairs behind the chairs,On old Santa, unawares,We just sprang, and pounced, and jumped, without a word.He didn’t know we waited here to-night,We surprised him, so he didn’t dare to fight.From our lairs behind the chairs,We all took him unawares,And we’re sure he had an awful, awful fright.

Oh, we planned the greatest lark you ever heard,

It was dreadful, but oh, wasn’t it absurd?

From our lairs behind the chairs,

On old Santa, unawares,

We just sprang, and pounced, and jumped, without a word.

He didn’t know we waited here to-night,We surprised him, so he didn’t dare to fight.From our lairs behind the chairs,We all took him unawares,And we’re sure he had an awful, awful fright.

He didn’t know we waited here to-night,

We surprised him, so he didn’t dare to fight.

From our lairs behind the chairs,

We all took him unawares,

And we’re sure he had an awful, awful fright.

Santa Claus.Here, you rascals, help me fill these stockings! Make yourselves useful! [They fill stockings. Sled and doll’s bedstead are set up beside the fireplace.] Now, run! Scamper! It’s almost morning. Get back into your book, or you’ll get caught. Run! Off with you! [They all run out.]

Santa Claus.[After a moment’s pause.] Mother Goose didn’taskfor a new cap, but I think she needs one. That molasses candy does make it look rather queer. [Goes through door, returns with Mother Goose book. The picture of Mother Goose on the cover now has a bright red peaked cap instead of a brown one.Santa Claussets book up beside fireplace, and turns to the audience.]

Santa Claus.Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

[Exit. Sound of sleigh-bells, becoming fainter, then silence, orCurtain.]

[Early morning. EnterHarryandNell.]

Harry.There’s my sled. [Darts across room toward the sled. Nell runs after, snatches his arm, and pulls him back a little, pointing to the Mother Goose book with her other hand.]

Nell.Oh, Harry, wait a minute! Look!

Harry.Look what?

Nell.It’s red!

Harry.What’s red?

Nell.The cap. Don’t you see? Mother Goose’s cap.

Harry.That’s soo! Let’s see about the others!

[They sit down side by side with the book before them. As they talk they turn the pages.]

Nell.Look! Boy Blue has a new horn! It used to be tin.

Harry.And Miss Muffet’s tuffet hasn’t any holes in it!

Nell.And, sure as I live, her spider is yellow! It used to be black. And see! Jack and Jill have a new pail—there’s only one dent in it!

Harry.And just look at Bo-Peep, will you! She has a pink ribbon instead of a blue one!

Nell.And Jack Horner’s pie hasn’t any thumb-holes in it! And Simple Simon has a pie, too! Santa Claus must have heard what we said about their needing things!

Harry.I wonder if he heard me say you needed a new pair of eyes.

Nell.[Looking at him, eyes very wide and excited.] Do they look new?

Harry.Yes, awfully shiny. I might pinch you, and see if they cry.

Nell.Don’t you dare! Anyway, maybe your hands are new, and if they are, they won’t pinch people, of course.

Harry.[Looking at them.] They don’t feel a bit like pinching now, really.

Nell.Let’s tell Mother, and show her the book. [They run out with book. Return without it, run over to fireplace and take down their stockings. Holding these, they take hands, and coming toward thefront, sing, to same music as before. As they sing, the Mother Goose children steal in behind them and join softly in the song:]

Oh, it’s Christmas Day, and we’re made over new,Nell, and Hal, and Mother Goose’s children, too.We won’t slap, we won’t snap,And we’ll never, never scrap.It sounds as if we’re dreaming, but it’s true.Old Santa Claus must certainly be wise,For he knew we needed brand-new hands and eyes.While we slept, in he stepped,To our bedsides softly crept,And he made us over just for a surprise.Oh, we wish that we could tell him our delight,Over all the things that happened in the night—Tokens new for me and you,Mother Goose’s children, too!He’s remembered everybody most polite.Oh, Santa Claus has been a perfect dear,And we’d like to tell him so right in his ear.Jack,—and you,—and Boy Blue,—And the rest,—all know it’s true,And we’d hug him if we had him with us here.

Oh, it’s Christmas Day, and we’re made over new,

Nell, and Hal, and Mother Goose’s children, too.

We won’t slap, we won’t snap,

And we’ll never, never scrap.

It sounds as if we’re dreaming, but it’s true.

Old Santa Claus must certainly be wise,For he knew we needed brand-new hands and eyes.While we slept, in he stepped,To our bedsides softly crept,And he made us over just for a surprise.

Old Santa Claus must certainly be wise,

For he knew we needed brand-new hands and eyes.

While we slept, in he stepped,

To our bedsides softly crept,

And he made us over just for a surprise.

Oh, we wish that we could tell him our delight,Over all the things that happened in the night—Tokens new for me and you,Mother Goose’s children, too!He’s remembered everybody most polite.

Oh, we wish that we could tell him our delight,

Over all the things that happened in the night—

Tokens new for me and you,

Mother Goose’s children, too!

He’s remembered everybody most polite.

Oh, Santa Claus has been a perfect dear,And we’d like to tell him so right in his ear.Jack,—and you,—and Boy Blue,—And the rest,—all know it’s true,And we’d hug him if we had him with us here.

Oh, Santa Claus has been a perfect dear,

And we’d like to tell him so right in his ear.

Jack,—and you,—and Boy Blue,—

And the rest,—all know it’s true,

And we’d hug him if we had him with us here.

[When the song is over the Mother Goose children run out quickly.Nelllooks around, as though listening or looking for something. Looks puzzled.]

Nell.I thought I heard somebody.

Harry.No, you didn’t. Let’s look at our stockings!

Nell.All right. Only let’s get Bobby and Dot first. Maybe they’re made new, too!

Harry.You couldn’t tell if they were. They’re almost new just as they are, you see.

HarryandNell. [Go to door, call.] Oh, Bobby! Oh, Dot! Come along! Come and see your stockings!

[They go out and lead inBobbyandDot.Grand scramble for stockings. Exit with stockings, orCurtain.]

GENERAL REMARKS ABOUT PRACTICAL DETAILS

The play may be given without a curtain, but if one is available, it may be used at the beginning and end. In the middle, it is better not to use it, as the quiet, empty room is much more impressive than any curtain could be.

The two littlest “real children” may be two or three years old, as they can be piloted through their parts by Harry and Nell. The part of Miss Muffet can be taken by a child of five or six years. Harry and Nell and the other children may range from nine to fourteen years. Santa Claus and Mother Goose may be taken by a big boy and girl, or by “grown-ups.”

COSTUMES

For the two smallest children, long nightgowns; Harry, striped pajamas; Nell, a long white nightgown and over it a gaily colored wrapper. TheMother Goose children to be dressed as nearly like their pictures as possible. In general, the Kate Greenaway style should be followed. The boys wear tunics of cheese cloth, over their own loose knickerbockers, the tunics loosely belted in. Broad white Puritan collars and cuffs may be cut out of stiff white muslin. Their edges need not be finished, as they hold very well.

Miss Muffet, pink and white, exactly like the pictures; Bo-Peep, a shepherdess costume of figured blue-and-pink cretonne over a blue skirt, and big white hat. Jill, a real Kate Greenaway girl, in blue and white; Mistress Mary, also Kate Greenaway, in yellow and white. Mother Goose, a black waist, with big white fichu, black overskirt over red underskirt, high-peaked hat, made by rolling stiff brown paper into a cone, cutting it even around the bottom, and fastening it to an old hat crown which has a narrow rim of black velvet. The joining is covered by a narrow band of gilt paper pasted on.

The Mother Goose book should be made for the occasion, out of Bristol-board or corrugated packing board, with pages made of brown wrapping-paper, and the cover picture of Mother Goose pasted upon the outside. The change in the color of the hat is easily effected in this way: the hat in the cover picture is painted red in the first place. Then a bit of brown paper cut the same shape as the peak is lightly pasted on over it. After the book is taken off the stage by the children, this bit of paper is pulled off, so that when Santa Claus brings the book in again, the hat is red. The inside pages of the book, of course, are never seen at all by the audience.

Real toys are put into the stockings, so that the joy of the “real children” in pulling the things out, especially of the two-and three-year-olds, is entirely genuine and spontaneous.

If it were desired to use fewer characters, one or two of the Mother Goose children can easily be cut out. If more characters are wanted, they can be added, such as Old King Cole, needing a new bowl; Tom, Tom, the Piper’s Son, needing a new pipe; the Queen of Hearts, needing a new batch of tarts, etc.

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