Conference of Methodists.
The miser Harpers still Harping on the Dimes—The self-degradation and downfall of the Harpers, who “played on the Harp of athou-sand strings—sperrits of just men made perfic!”
John Harper—Brothers: These are desperate times.
Wesley Harper—Yes, and something must soon be done, or we must again suspend.
Fletcher Harper—That’s so.
Evil Genius—Go ahead!
Good Genius—Beware!
Jack—Our stock in theCourier and Enquirerdon’t pay. We have had the best place and the largest type in the columns of that Journal for 20 years, and I tell you, brothers, it don’t pay. While youngFletchhad stock in theTimes, we had the best place, and the biggest type, but you all know it didn’t pay. Nor do any of the public journals yield a fair return for our enormous advertising investments.
Jim—Jack: What in the devil are you driving at? Upon my soul, you positively alarm me. Why, I declare, I never saw your eyes roll so, nor your jaws close so fiercely, nor your fist fall so heavily on your knee. Now, for the Lord’s sake, do disclose, in common parlance, what you mean by your mysterious declamation. (Wesley takes out his pen knife, and cuts his nails, and Fletcher takes a fresh cud of tobacco, and crosses his legs.)
Jack—I have had an interview with James Gordon Bennett.
Jim—Fletch: Hand me that fan. Wes: Please open the window. Sam: Bring me a glass of ice water. Now, Jack, proceed.
Jack—Bennett spoke of other days, and inquired after our health.
Jim—Whose health?
Jack—Mine and yours.
Jim—What the devil did he mean by that? My health is always good. I never had the rheumatism or gout, like you, Jack. What did the old reprobate mean by inquiring about my health? I’ll thank him to mind his own business.
Jack—Jim: Listen: For thirty years, you have imposed on me the financial department of our vast establishment, until I have racked my brain, and nearly worn myself into the grave, and I am pursued in my old age, by our creditors, as never before. True, we recently resumed payment, but we know that we did that for effect, and before we were fairly out of the woods. I tell you, brothers, we are in a very critical condition. People want bread, instead of books and papers, in these days of famine and commercial desolation. Now, brothers, I am desperate, and I favor a resort to desperate measures, to save the credit of our House.
Jim—I think I smell a skunk. To save our pecuniary credit, you would sacrifice our honor. Talk out, Jack, for I too am growing desperate, when the scuffle is between credit and honor, and I will die in defence of the latter.
Jack—Is not ourWeeklydeclining, and ourMonthlyrapidly decaying, and our general business nearly paralysed. Must we not pay our notes? And how can we do that, unless we adopt the course of Bonner, who is devouring all the publishers of the civilised world. Now, Jim, it is very pleasant for you to sit here two or three hours every day, and talk about temperance, (and take a glass on the sly occasionally,) and praise Methodism, (and go to the Theatre, and some other very curious places of amusement,) and hold political meetings in our counting room, which you fill daily with a gang of seedy political vagabonds, who once, (with the aid of Divine Providence, and Methodists, and Daniel F. Tiemann, and Peter Cooper, and Judge Sidney Stewart, and the politicians of the Second, Sixth, and Eleventh Wards,) set a ball in motion, that elected you Mayor of New York, from which you did not make a cent, and did not add a cipher to your private fortune,—I say, all this is mighty pleasant for you, but not for me, as the entire financial department of our immense establishment has ever been on my shoulders, and I am getting very old, and I now am about to change our tactics, or we are forever lost.
Jim—Go on, Jack—go on. But stop a moment. Fletch: Just open the desk, and pass me the bottle of brandy. (Takes a stiff horn.) Now, Jack, go on, for I am prepared for anything.
Jack—I told Bennett that I thought of publishing his biography favorably in ourWeekly.
Jim—And what did the old devil say to that?
Jack—His eyes brightened and glistened with perfect delight, and he said it was a darm fine idea.
Jim—Wes: Do you hear all this?
Wes—O yes: I was with brother John, at the interview with Bennett and Hudson, at theHeraldOffice.
Jim—And Fletch: What have you to say?
Fletch—I was there, too.
Jim—Here, Ike, run for your life to the Apothecary, and get me some Camphor and Asafetida. Sam: Bring me a lump of ice, and hold it on my head. My blood rushes with great violence to my brain. Fletch: Just pass the brandy bottle this way once more. O my God, my good brothers, I fear you will be the death of your brother James. I never thought we would come to this. John is nearly seventy years old, and I am on the winter side of sixty, and Wesley is sixty, and Fletcher is nearly sixty, and after a long life of toil, and the preservation of our business honor, and with children and grandchildren soon to fill our places on the field of action, it is now proposed to prostrate ourselves at the feet of a man, who has led a life of infamy from his youth to the present hour, and who has pursued to the grave many a virtuous and timid female, and many a noble merchant, who were so unfortunate as to get in his wicked clutches. O, brothers, I had rather starve, than succumb to Bennett, who has abused us all our days. We can survive our present misfortunes, without disgracing ourWeeklywith the panegyric of James Gordon Bennett, which will injure our respectable family journal more than we shall realise from our advertisements and all the puffs we can squeeze from Bennett. There’s my private fortune. Take it, and I will gladly return to a one story dwelling, and to utter penury, before I will sacrifice my self-respect, and my honor, to such a monster as James Gordon Bennett.
Jack—Myself, and Wesley, and Fletcher, have long considered this, and we are unchangeable, as we deem it our only means of salvation. It is incontrovertibly true, that Bennett has the largest circulation of any paper in America, and if he will permit us to advertise, and puff us like Bonner, why, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
Jim—I perceive the old liar has been as quiet as a mouse about his prodigious circulation, since he had to swear in the Carr libel case, that his circulation was only about 50,000. The old scamp, just prior to his oath, declared that his circulation was nearly 100,000. Once a liar, always a liar, is my motto, and I don’t believe theHerald’scirculation is as large as that of theSun, which is conducted by Moses S. Beach, who is an honest man, and a true Christian, and a meritorious gentleman.
Jack—Say what you will, Jim.—Wes, and Fletch, and myself are resolved to extend our hands to Bennett in terms of the warmest friendship.
Jim—Well, brothers, you are three to one, and as ours are democratic institutions—that is, as the country we have adopted, is democratic (for some of us are of English birth, and the rest of us had a very narrow escape, although the world is ignorant of the fact)—I say, that as you are all against my judgment in this matter, and as I don’t like to leave you in my old age, why, I shall very reluctantly, and in tears—as you see—(he cries) consent to sell ourselves to James Gordon Bennett, whom I have always regarded as the incarnation of a lie, and of the devil. And now, brothers, I am prepared to go to theHeraldOffice, and for your sake, affectionately press Bennett’s hand in hypocrisy, and publish his biography, in ourWeekly, daubed all over with whitewash, and without any severity of allusion to Helen Jewett, or Grinnell, or any of his black mail victims, or the numerous males and females whose early graves he dug. And now I’ll take another copious draught of brandy, and then I’m ready for our degradation, and for the first step in the eternal downfall of the Harpers, who have preserved their business honor all over the world, until this evil and melancholy hour. Now, brothers, come on, and I’m ready to face Bennett and the devil himself, and kiss their toes, if it is your behest. (They all go to theHeraldOffice, two abreast, with their numerous posterity, three abreast, in the rear, youngFletchleading the younger tribes, with aWeeklyandMonthlyin either hand, to show Mr. Bennett as a sample.)
(To be continued.)
(To be continued.)
(To be continued.)