Chapter 7

HISTORY IX.—R. S., aged 31, American of French descent. "Upon the question of heredity I may say that I belong to a reasonably healthy, prolific, and long-lived family. On my father's side, however, there is a tendency toward pulmonary troubles. He himself died of pneumonia, and two of his brothers and a nephew of consumption. Neither of my parents were morbid or eccentric. Excepting for a certain shyness with strangers, my father was a very masculine man. My mother is somewhat nervous, but is not imaginative, nor at all demonstrative in her affections. I think that my own imaginative and artistic temperament must come from my father's side. Perhaps my French ancestry has something to do with it. With the exception of my maternal grandfather, all my progenitors have been of French descent. My mother's father was English."I possess a mercurial temperament and a strong sense of the ludicrous. Though myphysiqueis slight, my health has always been excellent. Of late years especially I have been greatly given to introspection and self-scrutiny, but have never had any hallucinations, mental delusions, nor hysterics, and am not at all superstitious. Spiritualistic manifestations, hypnotic dabblings, and the other psychical fads of the day have little or no attraction for me. In fact, I have always been skeptical of them, and they rather bore me."At school I was an indolent, dreamy boy, shirking study, but otherwise fairly docile to my teachers. From earliest childhood I have indulged in omnivorous taste for reading, my particular likings being for travels, esthetics, metaphysical and theological subjects, and more recently for poetry and certain forms of mysticism. I never cared much for history or for scientific subjects. From the beginning, too, I showed a strong artistic bent, and possessed an overpowering love for all things beautiful. As a child I was passionately fond of flowers, loved to be in the woods and alone, and wanted to become an artist. My parents opposed the latter wish and I gave way before their opposition."In me the homosexual nature is singularly complete, and is undoubtedly congenital. The most intense delight of my childhood (even when a tiny boy in a nurse's charge) was to watch acrobats and riders at the circus. This was not so much for the skillful feats as on account of the beauty of their persons. Even then I cared chiefly for the more lithe and graceful fellows. People told me that circus actors were wicked, and would steal little boys, and so I came to look upon my favorites as half-devil and half-angel. When I was older and could go about alone, I would often hang around the tents of travelling shows in hope of catchinga glimpse of the actors. I longed to see them naked, without their tights, and used to lie awake at night thinking of them and longing to be loved and embraced by them. A certain bareback rider, a sort of jockey, used especially to please me on account of his handsome legs, which were clothed in fleshlings up to his waist, leaving his beautiful loins uncovered by a breech-clout. There was nothing consciously sensual about these reveries, because at the time I had no sensual feelings or knowledge. Curiously enough, the women-actors repelled me then (as they do to this day) quite as strongly as I was attracted by the men."I used, also, to take great pleasure in watching men and boys in swimming, but my opportunities for seeing them thus were extremely rare. I never dared let my comrades know how I felt about these matters, but the sight of a well-formed, naked youth or man would fill me (and does now) with mingled feelings of bashfulness, anguish, and delight. I used to tell myself endless stories of a visionary castle inhabited by beautiful boys, one of whom was especially my dear chum."It was always theprince, in fairy tales, who held my interest or affection. I was constantly falling in love with handsome boys whom I never knew; nor did I ever try to mix in their company, for I was abashed before them, and had no liking nor aptitude for boyish games. Sometimes I played with girls because they were more quiet and gentler, but I cared for them little or not at all."As is usually the case, my parents neglected to impart to me any sexual knowledge, and such as I possessed was gathered furtively from tainted sources, bad boys' talk at school and elsewhere. My elders let me know, in a vague way, that talk of the kind was wicked, and natural timidity and a wish to be 'good' kept me from learning much about sexual matters. As I never went to boarding-school, I was spared, perhaps, many of the degrading initiations administered by knowing boys at such institutions."In spite of what has been said above, I do not believe that I was sexually very precocious, and even now I feel that more pleasure would ensue from merely contemplating than from personal contact with the object of my amorous attentions."As I grew older there came, of course, an undefined physical longing, but it was thebeautyof those I admired which mainly appealed to me. At the time of puberty I spontaneously acquired the habit of masturbation. Once while bathing I found that a pleasant feeling came with touching the sexual organs. It was not long before I was confirmed in the habit. At first I practised it but seldom, but afterward much more frequently (say, once a week), though at times months have elapsed without any indulgences on my part. I have only had erotic dreams three or four times in my life. The masturbation habit Iregard as morally reprehensible and have made many resolutions to break it, but without avail. It affords me only the most momentary satisfaction, and is always followed by remorseful scruples."I have never in my life had any sexual feeling for a woman, nor any sexual connection with any woman whatsoever. The very thought of such a thing is excessively repugnant and disgusting to me. This is true, apart from any moral considerations, and I do not think I could bring myself to it. I am not attracted by young women in any way. Even their physical beauty has little or no charm for me, and I often wonder how men can be so affected by it. On the other hand, I am not a woman-hater, and have several strong friends of the opposite sex. They are, however, women older than myself, and our friendship is based solely on certain intellectual or esthetic tastes we have in common."I have had practically no physical relations with men; at any rate, none specifically sexual. Once, when about 19 or 21, I started to embrace a beautifully formed youth with whom I was sleeping, but timidity and scruples got the better of my feelings, and, as my bedfellow was not amorously inclined toward me, nothing came of it. A few years after this I became strongly attached to a friend whom I had already known for several years. Circumstances threw us very much together during one summer. It was now that I felt for the first time the full shock of love. He returned my affection, but both of us were shy of showing our feelings or speaking of them. Often when walking together after night-fall we would put our arms about each other. Sometimes, too, when sleeping together we would lie in close contact, and my friend once suggested that I put my legs against his. He frequently begged me to spend the night with him; but I began to fear my feelings, and slept with him but seldom. We neither of us had any definite ideas about homosexual relations, and, apart from what I have related above, we had no further contact with each other. A few months after our amorous feelings had developed my friend died. His death caused me great distress, and my naturally religious temperament began to manifest itself quite strongly. At this time, too, I first read some writings of Mr. Addington Symonds, and certain allusions in his work, coupled with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full consciousness of my inverted nature."About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a strong and instant attraction. He possessed a refined, handsome face, was gracefully built, and, though he was rather undemonstrative, we soon became fast friends."We were together only for a few days, when I was obliged to leave for my home, and the parting caused me great unhappiness and depression.A few months after we spent a vacation together. One day during our trip we went swimming, and undressed in the same bathhouse. When I saw my friend naked for the first time he seemed to me so beautiful that I longed to throw my arms about him and cover him with kisses. I kept my feelings hidden, however, hardly daring to look at him for fear of being unable to restrain my desires. Several times afterward, in his room, I saw him stripped, with the same effect upon my emotions. Until I had seen him naked my feelings for him were not of a physical character, but afterward I longed for actual contact, but only by embraces and kisses. Though he was fond of me, he had absolutely no amorous longings for me, and being a simple, pure-minded fellow, would have loathed me for mine and my inverted nature. I was careful never to let him discover it, and I was made very unhappy when he confided that he was in love with a young girl whom he wished to marry. This episode took place several years ago, and though we are still friends my emotional feelings for him have cooled considerably."I have always been very shy of showing any affectionate tendencies. Most of my acquaintances (and close friends even) think me curiously cold, and often wonder why I have never fallen in love or married. For obvious reasons I have never been able to tell them."Three or four years ago a little book by Coventry Patmore fell into my hands, and from its perusal resulted a strange blending of my religious and erotic notions. The desire to love and be loved is hard to drown, and, when I realized that homosexually it was neither lawful nor possible for me to love in this world, I began to project my longings into the next. By birth I am a Roman Catholic, and in spite of a somewhat skeptical temper, manage to remain one by conviction."From the doctrines of the Trinity, Incarnation, and Eucharist, I have drawn conclusions which would fill the minds of the average pietist with holy horror; nevertheless I believe that (granting the premises) these conclusions are both logically and theologically defensible. The Divinity of my fancied paradise resembles in no way the vapid conceptions of Fra Angelico, or the Quartier St. Sulpice. His physical aspect, at least, would be better represented by some Praxitilean demigod or Flandrin's naked, brooding boy."While these imaginings have caused me considerable moral disquietude, they do not seem wholly reprehensible, because I feel that the chief happiness I would derive by their realization would be mainly from the contemplation of the loved one, rather than from closer joys."I possess only a slight knowledge of the history and particulars of erotic mysticism, but it is likely that my notions are neither new nor peculiar, and many utterances of the few mystical writers with whose works I am acquainted seem substantially in accord with my own longingsand conclusions. In endeavoring to find for them some sanction of valid authority, I have always sought corroboration from members of my own sex; hence am less likely to have fashioned my views after those of hypersensitive or hysterical women."You will rightly infer that it is difficult for me to say exactly how I regard (morally) the homosexual tendency. Of this much, however, I am certain, that, even, if it were possible, I would not exchange my inverted nature for a normal one. I suspect that the sexual emotions and even inverted ones have a more subtle significance than is generally attributed to them; but modern moralists either fight shy of transcendental interpretations or see none, and I am ignorant and unable to solve the mystery these feelings seem to imply."Patmore speaks boldly enough, in his way, and Lacordaire has hinted at things, but in a very guarded manner. I have neither the ability nor opportunity to study what the mystics of the Middle Ages have to say along these lines, and, besides, the medieval way of looking at things is not congenial to me. The chief characteristic of my tendency is an overpowering admiration for male beauty, and in this I am more akin to the Greeks."I have absolutely no words to tell you how powerfully such beauty affects me. Moral and intellectual worth is, I know, of greater value, but physical beauty Iseemore clearly, and it appears to me the mostvivid(if not the most perfect) manifestation of the divine. A little incident may, perhaps, reveal to you my feelings more completely. Not long ago I happened to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter a house of assignation with a common woman of the streets. The sight filled me with the keenest anguish, and the thought that his beauty would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made me feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness to a sacrilege. It may be that my rage for male loveliness is only another outbreaking of the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find that I long less for the actual youth before me, and more and more for some ideal, perfect being whose bodily splendor and loving heart are the realities whose reflections only we see in this cave of shadows. Since the birth and development within me of what, for lack of a better name, I term my homosexualized Patmorean ideal, life has become, in the main, a weary business. I am not despondent, however, because many things still hold for me a certain interest. When that interest dies down, as it is wont from time to time, I endeavor to be patient. God grant that, after the endhere, I may be drawn from the shadow, and seemingly vain imaginings into the possession of their never-ending realityhereafter."HISTORY X.—A. H., aged 62. Belongs to a family which cannot be regarded as healthy, but there is no insanity among near relations.Father a very virile man of high character and good intelligence, but not sound physical health. Mother was high-strung and nervous, but possessed of indomitable courage and very affectionate; she lived very happily with her husband. She became a chronic invalid and died of consumption. A. H. was a seven months' child, the third in the family, who were born very rapidly, so that there is only three years difference in the ages of the first and third children. A. H. believes that one of his brothers, who has never married and prefers men to women, is also inverted, though not to the same degree as himself, and he also suspects that a relation of his mother's may have been an invert. Sister, who resembles the father in character, is married, but is spoken of as a woman's woman rather than a man's woman. The family generally are considered proud and reserved, but of superior mental endowment.In early life A. H. was delicate and his studies were often interrupted by illness. Though living under happy conditions he was shy and nervous, often depressed. In later life his health has been up to the average, and he has usually been able to conceal his mental doubts and diffidence.As a child he played with dolls and made girls his companions until an age when he grew conscious that his conduct was unusual and became ashamed, while his father seemed troubled about him. He regards himself as having been a very childish child.His conscious sexual life began between the ages of 8 and 10. He was playing in the garden when he saw a manservant who had long been with the family, standing at the door of a shed with his penis exposed and erect. The boy had never seen anything of the kind before, but felt great delight in the exhibition and moved shyly toward the man, who retreated into the shed. The boy followed and was allowed to caress and play with the penis until ejaculation took place, the man replying, in reply to the child's innocent inquiries, that it "felt good." This experience was frequently repeated with the same man, and the boy confided in a boy friend, with whom he tried to ascertain by personal experience what the "good feeling" was like, but they were too young to derive any pleasure from the attempt beyond the joy of what was instinctively felt to be "eating forbidden fruit."From this period his sexual tendencies began to become fixed and self-conscious. He has never at any period of life had a moment's conscious sexual attraction toward a person of the opposite sex. His warmest friendships have, indeed, been with women and much, perhaps most, of the happiness he has enjoyed has been furnished by those friendships. But passion has only been aroused by persons of his own sex, generally by men much younger than himself. He feels shy anduncomfortable in the presence of men of his own age. But even at his present age, a touch of a man or boy may cause the liveliest gratification.Shortly after the incident in boyhood, already narrated, A. H. induced a little boy companion to go to a quiet spot, where, at A. H.'s suggestion, each placed the other's penis in his mouth by turns. A. H. had never heard of such a proceeding. It was a natural instinct. He began to masturbate at an early age. But he soon found a companion to share his passion. An older man, especially, married and with a family, became his accomplice on every possible opportunity, and they would manipulate each other. At the age of 21,fellatiobegan to be practised with this man. It became a lifelong practice, and the preferred method of sexual gratification. He likes best to have it performed on himself, but he has never asked anyone to do for him what he would not himself do for the other if desired. There has never beenpedicatio. The penis, it may be added, is of good size, and the testicles rather large.No one has ever suspected A. H.'s sexual perversion, not even his physician, with whom he has long had a close friendship, until at a time of great mental distress A. H. voluntarily revealed his state. He is accustomed to refined society, has always read much, abhorred athletic pursuits, and loved poetry, children, and flowers. His love of nature amounts, indeed, to a passion. Wherever he has been he has made friends among the best people. He confesses to occasional periods of addiction to intoxicants, induced by sociable companionship, and only controlled by force of will.For business he has not the slightest aptitude, and cannot look after his own affairs. He is always dreading poverty and destitution. He believes, however, that he passes among his friends as fairly capable.He considers that inversion is natural in his case and that he has a perfect right to gratify his own natural instincts, though he also admits they may be vices. He has never sought to influence an innocent person toward his own tendencies.HISTORY XI.—T. D., knows of nothing abnormal in his ancestry. His brother has homosexual tendencies, but is also attracted to women. A sister, who is very religious, states that she has little or no sexual inclinations. They were all of a dreamy disposition when young, to the disgust of their teachers. He sent the following account of himself from the University at the age of 20:—"When I was a child (before I went to school at 9)," he writes, "I was already of an affectionate disposition, an affection turned readily to either sex. No boy was the cause of my inclinations, which were quite spontaneous. (No doubt, part of the cause may be found in our social system, by which ladies are rather drawing-room creatures to be treatedwith distant respect.) When I was 10, at a preparatory school, I first began to form attachments with other boys of my own age, in which I always had regard to physical beauty. It is this stage, in which the sexual element is latent, that Shelley speaks of as preceding love in ardent natures."At 12 I learned masturbation, apparently by instinct, and, I regret to say, practised it to excess for the next seven years, always secretly and with shame, and often with the accompaniment of prurient imaginings which did not prevent my relations with those I loved being of a very spiritual nature. Masturbation was often practised daily, with bursts of repentance and abstinence, latterly more rarely. But until I was 15 I really knew nothing of sexual matters, and it was not till I was at least 17 that I was conscious of sexual desire, which I repressed with shame."Owing to excessive self-abuse, I am unable to emit except manually, but desire is strong. I think naked contact would suffice, and in any case intercrural connection.PedicatioandfellatioI abhor. I love boys between the ages of 12 and 15; they must be of my own class, refined, and lovable. I only desire the active masculine part. I now regard my inclinations as natural and normal to me. The difficulty is that of leading the other party to regard it as such, besides the young age required and clandestine nature of proceedings necessary. The moral difficulties of circumstances are so strong that I have little hope of ever gratifying my passion fully. I have found myself deceived in the character of the boy twice. The last friendship lasted three years, during which time I only saw him naked two or three times (this caused erection), never touched him pruriently, and only kissed him once."I have never found a satisfactory object of my affections, and my happiness, perhaps my health, have been seriously injured. At my public school a master helped me to a truer understanding of these things. The merely animal sodomy which exists in many public schools was unknown. What I learned of sex I learned for myself. I am recommended to turn my aspirations to the abstract universal maid; but so far at least I cannot do it."Male Greek statuary and thePhœdrusof Plato have had a great, though only confirmatory, influence on my feelings. My ideal is that of Theocritus XIII, wherein Hercules was bringing Hylas to the perfect measure of a man. My first thought is the good of my friend, but, except for the good subjective influence of passion, I have failed utterly."I am very tall, dark, rather strong, fond of games, though I do not excel, owing to short sight. I am English, though I have French blood, which may account for an unreservedly passionate disposition. Though unlike other people, I am not in the least feminine, nor has anyone thought so to my knowledge. I can whistle easily and well. I am somasculine that I cannot even conceive of passive sexual pleasure in women, much less in men. (That is one of the difficulties in boy-love.) My affections are inextricably bound up in the ideals of protection of one weaker than myself. In the earlier days, when sexuality was less conscious, this was a great source of romantic feeling, the glamour of which is rather departing. I cannot understand love of adult males, much less if they are of lower class, and the idea of prostitution is nauseous to me."I think I may say that I have the esthetic and moral sense very strongly ingrained. Indeed, they are largely synonymous with me. I have no dramatic aptitude, and, though I flatter myself that my taste is good in music, I have no knowledge of music. If I have a favorite color, it is a dark crimson or blue, of the nature of old stained glass. I derive great pleasure from all literary and pictorial art and architecture; indeed, art of all kinds. I have facility in writing personal lyrical verse; it affords me relief."I think my inversion must be congenital, as the desire of contact with those boys I loved began before masturbation and has lasted through private and public resorts and into university life. The other sex does not attract me, but I am very fond of children, girls as well as boys. (If there is sexuality in this, which I trust there is not, it is latent)."This statement is of interest because it may well lead us to suppose that the writer, who is of balanced mind and sound judgment, possesses a confirmed homosexual outlook on life. While, however, it is the rule for the permanent direction of the sexual impulse to be decided by the age of 20, that age is too early to permit us to speak positively, especially in a youth whose adolescent undifferentiated or homosexual impulses are fostered by university life. This proved to be! the case with T. D., who, though doubtless possessing a psychically anomalous strain, is yet predominantly masculine. On leaving the university his heterosexuality asserted itself normally. About six years after the earlier statement, he wrote that he had fallen in love. "I am on the eve of marrying a girl of nearly my own age. She has sympathy as well as knowledge in my fields of study; it was thus easier for me to explain my past, and I found that she could not understand the moral objections to homosexual practices. My own opinion always was that the moral objections were very considerable, but might in some cases be overcome. In any case I have entirely lost my sexual attraction toward boys; though I am glad to say that the appreciation of their charm and grace remains. My instincts, therefore, have undergone a considerable change, but the change is not entirely in the direction of normality. The instinct for sodomy in the proper sense of the word used to be unintelligible to me; since the object of attraction has become a woman this instinct is mixed with the normal in my desire.Further, an element which much troubled me, as being most foreign to my ideal feelings, has not quite left me—the indecent and often scatologic curiosity about immature girls. I can only hope that the realization of the normal in marriage may finally kill these painful aberrations. I should add that the practice of masturbation has been abandoned."HISTORY XII.—Aged 24. Father and mother both living; the latter is of a better social standing than the father. He is much attached to his mother, and she gives him some sympathy. He has a brother who is normally attracted to women. He himself has never been attracted to women, and takes no interest in them nor in their society.At the age of 4 he first became conscious of an attraction for older males. From the ages of 11 and 19, at a large grammar-school, he had relationships with about one hundred boys. Needless to add, he considers homosexuality extremely common in schools. It was, however, the Oscar Wilde case which first opened his eyes to the wide prevalence of homosexuality, and he considers that the publicity of that case has done much, if not to increase homosexuality, at all events to make it more conspicuous and outspoken.He is now attracted to youths about 5 or 6 years younger than himself; they must be good-looking. He has never perverted a boy not already inclined to homosexuality. In his relationship he does not feel exclusively like a male or a female: sometimes one, sometimes the other. He is often liked, he says, because of his masculine character.He is fully developed and healthy, well over middle height, inclined to be plump, with full face and small moustache. He smokes many cigarettes and cannot get on without them. Though his manners are very slightly if at all feminine, he acknowledges many feminine ways. He is fond of jewelry, until lately always wore a bangle, and likes women's rings; he is very particular about fine ties, and uses very delicate women's handkerchiefs. He has always had a taste for music, and sings. He has a special predilection for green; it is the predominant color in the decoration of his room, and everything green appeals to him. He finds that the love of green (and also of violet and purple) is very widespread among his inverted friends.HISTORY XIII.—Artist, aged 34. "The earliest sex impression that I am conscious of," he writes, "is at the age of 9 or 10 falling in love with a handsome boy who must have been about two years my senior. I do not recollect ever having spoken to him, but my desire, so far as I can recall, was that he should seize hold of and handle me. I have a distinct impression yet of how pleasurable even physical pain or cruelty would have been at his hands. (I have noticed that in young childrenit is often difficult to differentiate the sexual emotions from what in the grown up would be definite cruelty.)"It must have been at about this time that I discovered—entirely by myself—the act of masturbation. The process grew up quite naturally, though I cannot but think that the cooped-up life in a London street and a London school, with want of physical exercise, as well as want of landscape, color, and beautiful form, had much to do with it. The tone of the school I was at was singularly clean, but I question whether the vaunted cleanliness of tone of day-schools can compensate for the open life and large discipline of an English public school."How far the rather frequent masturbation between the ages of 10 and 13 may have had to do with weakly health I do not know, but when I was 12 I was taken by my mother to a famous doctor. He made no inquiries of a sexual nature, but he advised that I should be sent away from London. He had a sentimental horror of violent games, etc., for boys, and put aside various suggested public schools. Finally I was sent to a private school at the seaside."The private school was clean and wholesome. The plunge into the sexual cocytus of the great public school that followed was effectually sudden. In my day —— was a perfect stew of uncleanness. There was plenty of incontinence, not much cruelty, no end of dirty conversation, and a great deal of genuine affection, even to heroism, shown among the boys in their relations to one another. All these things were treated by masters and boys alike as more or less unholy, with the result that they were either sought after or flung aside, according to the sexual or emotional instinct of each. No attempt was made at discrimination. A kiss was as unclean as the act offellatio, and no one had any gauge or principle whatever on which to guide the cravings of boyhood."My first initiation into the mysteries of sex was at the hands of the dormitory servant, who showed me his penis when he woke me in the mornings, and masturbated me when he gave me my hot bath on a Saturday night. This old reprobate of 45 committed the act offellatiowith most of the boys in turn as he went the dormitory rounds. For the older lads I cannot speak, but over us younger ones of 14 and 15 he exercised a sort of unholy terror and fascination. He was very popular; we came to him like doves to a snake. When I revisited my old school many years later he was occupying a very responsible position in the college chapel, and I noticed that he wore that expression of sly reverence which I think I can now instantly detect when I see it in a man."For the rest the dormitory was boisterous and lewd, and there was a good deal of bullying, which probably did little harm. My principal recollection now is of the filthy mystery of foul talk, that I neither cared for nor understood. What I really needed, like all the other boys, was alittle timely help over the sexual problems, but this we none of us got, and each had to work out his own principle of conduct for himself. It was a long, difficult, and wasteful process, and I cannot but believe that many of us failed in the endeavor. We had come unprepared with any advice. The principle upon which we were apparently trained was the repression of every instinct. My mother was ignorant from innocence, my father from indifference, and so between them I was sent out helpless. A mother incurs great responsibility in sending her child away unprepared. A parent should not seek to shift his responsibility upon the schoolmaster. Love alone should be the fount from which revelations should flow; the master, from the very nature of his position, cannot reveal."An imminent breakdown in health—due, it would now appear, to quite obvious causes—relieved me from the purgatory of the college dormitory, and I was removed to one of the private houses. These establishments were considered more select and less 'rough.' The social atmosphere was, however, perhaps more unwholesome, because more effeminate, and was full of noble young sucklings. The nominal head of the house under normal conditions might have been a real leader; as it was, the real head of the house was a gilded young pariah, fairly low down in the school and full of hypocrisy and unnatural lusts. The boy who occupied the cubicle next to mine was also a bad case of sexual misdirection, though he had not the social distinction to make him quite so refined a terror. I had every opportunity of watching him until, two years later, he was fortunately asked to leave. He talked bawd from morning till night, got drunk on one or two occasions, masturbated constantly without concealment, had several of the younger boysinter femora, though without evincing any care or affection for them, and gave one the impression of having been born for a brothel. His one redeeming quality was an element of good nature: a characteristic one often finds among such as are selfish and irresponsible. I have since been told that he has gone completely to the dogs. Whether this young cub's sexual instincts could have been turned or guided I do not know; but in a rougher and simpler life than that of a public school, in a more open and less hypocritical atmosphere, he might, perhaps, have been licked into better shape. Hypocrisy is a vice, however, that schoolboys themselves are fortunately free from. It comes later. The tone among the boys was frankly and violently unclean, though unclean not from instinct, but from want of direction and from repression."I have not a single happy recollection of this period of my school life. Yet out of this morass of misbegotten virtues I plucked my first blossom of genuine affection. I call it a blossom because it never ripened even to flower. I had been given the extreme of filth to feed upon atthe outset, and now I found for myself the extreme of chastity. It will be a matter of lifelong regret to me that the love which was the lodestar of my school years was never fulfilled or set upon a sound basis of comradeship."When I was about 16½ years old there came into the house a boy about two years younger than myself, and who became the absorbing thought of my school days. I do not remember a moment, from the time I first saw him to the time I left school, that I was not in love with him, and the affection was reciprocated, if somewhat reservedly. He was always a little ahead of me in books and scholarship, but as our affection ripened we spent most of our spare time together, and he received my advances much as a girl who is being wooed, a little mockingly, perhaps, but with real pleasure. He allowed me to fondle and caress him, but our intimacy never went further than a kiss, and about that even was the slur of shame; there was always a barrier between us, and we never so much as whispered to one another concerning those things of which all the school obscenely talked. Any connection between our own emotions and the sexual morals of the school never occurred to us. In fact, we lived a dream-life of chastity that could not relate itself to any human conditions. This was suddenly broken in upon. My friend was very beautiful and an object of attraction to others. That some of the elder boys had made offers of sexual intercourse to him I knew, but to him, as to me, that was unspeakable wickedness. One day I heard that four or five of these suitors of his had mishandled him; they had, I believe, taken off his trousers and attempted to masturbate him. The offense was probably horse play of an animal nature; to me it seemed an unpardonable offense. The matter had been reported to the master by a servant, but confirmatory evidence was needed before punishment could follow. I was torn asunder by passions I could not then analyze and in the end committed the greatest of schoolboy crimes,—I sneaked. The action under the circumstances was courageous, but I was indifferent so long as the boy I loved judged me rightly. The result was that at the close of the term four or five of the senior boys were 'asked to leave.' The remaining brief period of my school life, which had previously been a living hell, became really happy. That this should have been brought about to the harm of four or five boys whose sin, after all, was but a misdirected impulse for which the system was responsible, seems to me now all very wrong. Of the boys sent away, however, certainly three have made honorable careers. For my friend and I, we became more afraid of each other than before; as our affections increased, so our fear of them increased also. The friendship was too ethereal to live; but even yet we still have a deep respect for one another."When at the age of 19 I left school I was allowed to knock about for a year before entering college. During this time I picked up a sexual experience that may or may not have been a valuable one, I certainly look back upon it now, with regret, if not with horror. My father had discovered, some months before this date, that I was in the habit of masturbating, and he gave me what he conceived to be the right counsel under the circumstances: 'If you do this,' he said, 'you will never be able to use your penis with a woman. Therefore your best plan will be to go with a prostitute. Should you do this, however, you will probably pick up a beastly disease. Therefore the safest way would be to do it abroad if you get the chance, for there the houses are licensed.' Having delivered himself of this advice he troubled himself no further in the matter, but left me to work out my own destiny. The great physician, to whom I was taken about this time, also gave me his advice on this point. 'Masturbation,' he said, 'is death. A number of young men come to me with the same story. I tell them they are killing themselves, and you will kill yourself, too.' The doctor's hope was apparently to frighten his young patients into what he conceived to be natural conditions of life, and one went away from him with the impression that every sexual manifestation in one's self was a physical infirmity, due to one's own moral weakness. It took me some time before I could make up my mind to follow my father's advice, but after a period of real moral agony I deliberately and entirely in cold blood acted upon it. I sought out a scarlet woman in the streets of —— and went home with her. From something she said to me I know that I gave her pleasure, and she asked me to come to her again. This I did twice, but without any real pleasure. The whole thing was too sordid and soulless, and the man who decides to take an evil medicine regularly has first to make up his mind that he really needs it."At about the same time I chanced to be, for a few months, in a German university town, and I determined, as I had the opportunity, to carry the parental advice to the logical conclusion. I tried a licensed house. The place was clean and decent, and the conditions, I take it, such as one would normally find in any properly regulated continental city; but to me the whole thing appeared unspeakably horrible. It was a purely commercial transaction, and it had not even the redeeming element of risk to one's self, or of offense against a social or disciplinary code. I came away feeling that I had touched bottom in my sexual experiences, and I understood what it was that Faust saw when the red mouse sprang from the mouth of the witch in the Walpurgis dance."These were the only occasions upon which I have had sexual intercourse with women. Looking back to them now, they appear to me to have been almost inevitable; but if I had my life over again I wouldshun them as I would a lethal draught. I believe I came out of the fire unscathed; probably, indeed, it did me good, in the sense that it made it possible for me to look deeper into life; though to what extent seeing the torments of the damned makes us do this, perhaps only a Dante could tell. To gain knowledge at the expense of the shame and misery of others I hold to be fundamentally wrong and immoral. What is to me, however, the chief and bitterest thought is that I flung away the first spring of manhood where I got no love in return. His virginity is, or should be, as glorious and sacred a possession to a youth as to a maiden; to be guarded jealously; to be given only at the call of love, to one who loves him—be it comrade, mistress, or wife—and whom he can love in return."The full university life into which I now entered at the age of 20 brought with it a flood of new ideas, feelings and sensations. The friendships I made there will always remain the central ones in my life. Up to my last term at college at the age of 24 I still wore my chain-mail of artificial chastity; but then a change gradually set in, and I began to understand the relationship of the physical phenomena of sex to its intellectual and imaginative manifestations. (I was not destined to fully realize this for some years and then exclusively through and out of my own personal experience.) It was the study of Walt Whitman'sLeaves of Grassthat first brought me light upon this question. Hitherto I had kept the two things locked up, as it were, in two separate air-tight compartments,—my friendships in one, my sex instincts in another,—to be kept under and repressed by the public-school code as I conceived it."It is needless to say that I was continually troubled by the customary sex phenomena: erotic dreams, loss of semen, troublesome erections at night, etc. These I repressed as best I could, by habitual masturbation and by the regular diet and exercise which academic life made possible. At one time, for the period of a year I should say, I tried to overcome the desire for masturbation by gradual stages, on the principle of the drunkard's cure by which he took every day less tipple by the insertion of one pebble more in his bottle. I marked on my calendar the erotic dreams and the nights on which I masturbated, and sought gradually to extend the intervening periods. Six weeks, however, was the longest time for which I was able to abstain."A few years later the writer of this communication formed an intimate relationship (in which he did not make the first advances) with a youth, some years younger than himself and of lower social class, whose development he was able to assist. "But for my part," he remarks, "I owe him as much as I gave him, for his love lighted up the gold of affection that was in me and consumed the dross. It was from him that I first learned that there was no such thing as a hard-and-fast line betweenthe physical and the spiritual in friendship." This relationship lasted for some years, when the young man married; its effects are described as very beneficial to both parties; all the sexual troubles vanished, together with the desire to masturbate. "Everything in life began to sing with joy, and what little of real creative work I may have done I attribute largely to the power of work that was born in me during those years."HISTORY XIV.—Scotchman, aged 38. His paternal ancestors were normal, so far as he knows. His mother belonged to a very eccentric old Celtic family. Soon after 5 he became so enamored of a young shepherd that the boy had to be sent away. He practised masturbation many years before the age of puberty, and attaches importance to this as a factor in the evolution of his homosexual life.He has had erotic dreams rarely about men, about women more frequently. While indifferent to women, he has no repulsion toward them. He has had connection with women two or three times, but without experiencing the same passionate emotions as with men.He would like a son, but he has never been able to get up the necessary amount of passion to lead to marriage.He has always had a sentimental and Platonic affection for men. Of late years he has formed two friendships with adults of an affectionate and also erotic character. He cares little for anything beyond mutual masturbation and kissing; what he desires is the love of the male.In appearance there is nothing abnormal about him except an air of youth. He is vigorous both in body and mind, and has enormous power of resisting fatigue. He is an excellent man of business. Is a patient student. He sees no harm in his homosexual passions. He is averse to promiscuity. His ideal is a permanent union which includes sexual relations.HISTORY XV.—T. S., artist, aged 32. "I was born in England. My father was a Jew, the first to marry out of his family and to marry a Christian. My great-grandparents were cousins; he was a German and she was a Dane. My grandparents were also cousins; he was a Swede and she was a Dane."My maternal grandfather was an English Protestant, and my maternal grandmother was Irish, fanatically Roman Catholic, and a very eccentric woman."In my father's family there have been many members of note. In my mother's family there were many renowned lawyers."My father had an elder brother who was homosexual. He was already, at 31 years of age, a prominent author, when he died of consumption. I have also a second cousin on my father's side who is avery good tenor; he is also homosexual. In my mother's family I know of nothing abnormal."In neither family is there or has there been any insanity, but rather an overwealth of brain."My parents were an ideally happy couple. They were engaged after knowing each other six days, and after being separated three months they married. They were married thirty-five years without a quarrel. I have a brother three years older, born a year after their marriage, and a sister seven years younger."My brother takes after his father in appearance. He is a great lover of women and much spoiled by them. He is quite normal and abstemious."My sister is a very womanly woman. As a girl she disapproved very much of girl friendships and always confided in her mother. At 13 years of age she met the man she is now married to. They waited ten years before marrying and are now an ideally happy couple. My sister is perfectly normal and very abstemious."I lived my first ten years in England, eighteen years in Sweden, two years in Denmark, two years in Bavaria, Austria, and Italy, and am now living in Berlin. I consider myself English. I am mentally a man, but all my physical feelings and desires are those of a woman."I am middle height and very slight. Weigh 106 English pounds, without clothes. My hands and feet are small and well-shaped. Head of normal size. Features small. Eyes green. Have worn glasses since I was 7 years old. Complexion fair. Appearance not Jewish. The skin of my body is very white, without blemish. Very little hair on my face. Hair on head and abdomen luxuriant. No hair whatever on stomach and chest. Color of hair auburn everywhere except below navel, that black. (My father's, mother's, and brother's hair was brown. My sister has auburn hair, and so had the aforementioned uncle.) My breasts are slightly round; my hips are normal. I do not gesticulate much. From my material self it would be difficult to draw the conclusion that I was homosexual. My sexual organs are normal."My disposition is apparently bright, but in reality melancholy. Have very little love for human nature, but have a partiality for the British and Jewish races. Hate business, politics, sports, and society. Love music, art, literature, and nature. Deep interest in mysticism. Am clairvoyant. Have been used many times as a medium. Lead two separate lives, an outer and inner psychic life. Am a fatalist and a theosophist. Profound belief in reincarnation, always have had, because when I was a little child I could 'remember' so much. Have an excellent memory, dating back to my third year. Have always been too self-analytical. Have from my earliest childhood felt myselfan alien. Am very sensitive, physically and psychically. Have no wish to wear woman's clothing or do woman's work. As to clothes for myself, I prefer black and not much jewelry."I could only love a perfectly manly man from 21 to 40 years of age. He must be physically beautiful and well made. Size of sexual organs plays no part. The muscles must be developed and the hands must be especially well shaped. Hands are my fetish. (I could never love anyone with ugly hands.) He must have no odor issuing from his body (though I do not dislike faint perfume when clothed), and, above all, never have a bad breath. He must be intelligent, love music, art, literature, and nature. He must be refined and cultured and have been about the world. He must have simplicity in behavior, dress, and manner, and, above all, be clean-bodied as clean-minded. Cynicism I cannot stand. (Here I may state I once owned a St. Bernard dog which reminded me much of my ideal. He was always sedate, always loving, and faithful; generally quiet. He only got excited when out in the elements.) I have not been able to get on with people who have no sense of humor. From my birth I was physically weak. First I suffered from eczema. Being born with a double squint, I was operated on at 2½ and again at 3½ years of age, with excellent result. From 4 to 12 years of age I had convulsions (often), and all the illnesses of childhood. At the age of 12½ years I took scarlet fever, followed by a weak heart, which grew stronger after a year, and Bright's disease, which lasted fifteen years with hardly a break. This illness had its wonted effect of producing melancholia and upsetting the whole nervous system. Bright's disease stopped suddenly but was followed by a succession of illnesses. Then I had neuritis very badly. I then removed to Bavaria, and to regain nervous strength I was treated by Freud's psychoanalytical method, with great success. I had a very bad relapse, as my brother, who had just heard I was homosexual, came to visit me and threatened to have me put under guardians, if my father should die. It took me weeks to recover from the shock. We broke off all intercourse and though my brother has been several times in the same town where I have been, we remain strangers. At this time my father died suddenly. Last spring four suicides of friends in so many weeks had a very bad effect on my nerves. I am now in Berlin in better spirits, but the cramp continues badly at times."To this I must add that since my fourteenth year, independent of any illness, I have suffered mentally and physically from menstrual pains recurring every twenty-eight days and lasting from six to eight days. That these were the equivalent pains to a woman's menstruation periods I could get no doctor to admit till I was treated for a length of time by a German nerve specialist."The physical pains begin abruptly. Sudden congestions of blood in the brain and in the abdomen. Sudden perspirations, heat and cold. Great nervous pains in the small of the back, also in the nerve-centers of abdomen and stomach. Sharp, shooting pains in the breasts and especially the nipples. Sudden toothache which stops as suddenly. The skin becomes darker, sometimes mottled. I have the whole time a taste of blood in my mouth and often everything I eat tastes of blood. I have great difficulty at that time in eating meat. Physical longings for erotic adventure, counterbalanced by mental nausea at the bare idea."The mental symptoms are: sudden feeling of deep depression, suicidal tendencies, alternating with sudden inexplicable lightheartedness. Capriciousness and great dissatisfaction with myself and life generally. Horror at my own incompleteness of sex and sudden fits of hatred toward women and a great longing to be loved by men. This condition changes slowly back to the normal one. It takes several days for me to lose my physical weakness owing to it."Physically I was developed at 16 years of age. Mentally I was developed at a very early age, but I kept my inner life quite dark, always playing the innocent. Nobody at home believed me to know anything about life. They were at times very surprised when I fell out of the rôle I had planned for myself. Up till I was 17 years of age nothing to do with other people's morals was ever discussed before me. I looked so pure, and do now, that people are always careful in front of me. My father never discussed such things with me. From my earliest childhood I loved men dearly, though I was always at daggers drawn with my father and brother. I worshipped my mother then, as I do now. My sister and I did not at all get on as children, though we are the best of friends now. She and her husband as well as my mother have been kindness itself ever since they knew of my condition. Not till I was over 30 years did I meet a man I loved as well as my mother, and he is heterosexual. I must have loved my father and brother at first, but continual conflicts, incompatible temperaments and mutual misunderstandings and want of sympathy made life at home horrible. I must admit from my earliest childhood I had a certain contempt for my father and brother because I found them so materialistic. I had all my childhood rows with my brother. My father took his part, my mother mine. After I had recovered from my father's sudden death (my first words were after reading the letter: 'Thank God it isn't mother!') I felt a great relief, but it took a long time for me to grasp that I was really free."I have always liked women's society and, as a youth, I was very fond of gossip, which I by no means am now. I have many women friends, more than men friends. These women friends are all heterosexualexcept one. I very often like elderly women; I suppose I see mother in such women. A woman never could make me blush, but a man I admired could easily."I was 23 years of age when a married woman of good family asked me to come and spend the night with her. I went, and though she was beautifully built, cleanly, and though her garments and apartments were of the utmost good taste, I did not have any erection. On the other hand, I felt myself to be most unclean and bathed three times each of the following three days. Since then I have never tried to have sexual intercourse with women."In Copenhagen I tried to excite my feelings with every class of woman, in vain. I suppose it is that my nature is so like woman's that there can be no reaction. With men I am often very shy and nervous, tongue-tied, and my hands perspire. Never so with women."As a child I loved men and used to fall desperately in love with some who came to the house. I would, when no one was there, kiss their hats, or gloves, or even their sticks."I can remember, when I was about 6 years, how I fell in love with a very good-looking 26-year-old German. He had very curly hair and his hands were very beautiful. He was very fond of me and I used to call him 'my Boy.' When visiting us he often used to 'tuck me in' after the nurse had gone down. He always had sweets or something for me. I can remember how I used to fling my arms round his neck and cover his face with kisses. I would then draw his head down on my pillow and he would tell me fairy-tales and I would go off to sleep quite happy."At 7 years of age, while staying in the country, a very good-looking groom, about 25 years of age, misbehaved himself with me. I often used to visit him in the stables, as this man had a strange attraction for me. One day he tickled me. While doing so he produced my penis and also his own, which was in full erection. He tried in every way to excite my feelings, in vain. For him the occasion terminated in an ejaculation. He forbade me to tell anyone, and I did not do so, but tried to find out all I could on the subject, with little or no result. From that day I hated the groom and I felt a sort of guilt, as if I had 'lost something.' Not till I was 12 years did I understand."From my earliest childhood I had one ideal of a man. From that ideal I have never swerved. At the age of 30 I found a friend who, though quite heterosexual, has, without giving me any sexual intercourse, given me the love I have always needed. He has been for the last couple of years a second mother, father, sister, brother, and lover. Through him I have regained my health, my love of nature, and he has helped to deaden my hatred toward human nature and my bitterness.A better friend I never wish to find. It has made up for all the years of mental and physical suffering. One strange thing is that the feeling is mutual. He has had a tragic life, for his wife, whom he loved beyond everything, died under very sad circumstances. He says I am the best male friend he has ever had. While with him, much of the lower nature in me was stamped out. I shall always look upon him as the turning point in my life. I think he wrought some of his finest influence through his music. He played Beethoven and Wagner for me for a couple of hours every day for months, and thus opened up a new world to me.... He is six years older than I am."At 10 years of age we moved to Sweden, a country I hated from first to last. About this time I began to notice that there was something strange about myself. I felt myself an alien, and have done so ever since. An event of importance in my life was, I feel sure, when my father's sister tried to take away my mother's character. It was done in jealousy and spite, and my aunt had to beg my parents' pardon. Outwardly the affair was patched up; but I feel sure my father never really forgave his sister. Jews never forgive."This event awoke in me a great hatred toward women, and it was many years before I could at all control it."At the age of 14 I was much with a good-looking, musical American, a year older than myself. One day, while romping, very much the same thing occurred as with the groom. I still had no sexual feelings. We remained good friends. I often wished to kiss him. After the first time he would not allow it. He was very much liked among the officers and so-called high society men, and had always much money. About ten years later I heard he used to accept money after intimate intercourse with those society men."During my fifteenth year I had great longing for sexual intercourse with men. At this time the first signs of hair were to be seen on my abdomen."At the age of 16 a gardener, a married man with family, initiated me into mutual self-abuse. He lived in the back house of the apartment house we then inhabited. He was about 40 years of age, an ugly but muscularly developed man. These practices took place in the cellar, to which there were three entrances. I never allowed him to kiss me and the sight of his children always awoke in me a great feeling of nausea. That was the natural reaction of a bad conscience. For the man himself I had the utmost contempt. This man told me of several parks andpissoirswhere men met, and I went to these places now and again for erotic adventure."I must here relate that at the age of 16 my mother warned me against self-abuse. It had the opposite effect, made me curious, so Ibegan at once. I have continued ever since, at least once a day. (I have never had an involuntary emission in my whole life.) Between 17 and 22 it became necessary for me to do so several times a day. Working at art, painting, and above all music and beauty have a strong influence over me and set my erotic longings in violent motion. I have never found this do me any harm. Abstinence, on the other hand, has a very harmful effect on me, upsetting the whole nervous and physical system. I often find that there is a something very much wanting in self-abuse: the commingling of two human bodies who arementallyas well as physically in sympathy gives an electrical satisfaction which quiets the whole nervous system. That at least has been my experience."The gardener left and moved to the country. I then sometimes visitedpissoirsor, as they are often called, 'panoramas' (because they are round and one sees much there). What I saw in the parks during the long summer nights was quite a revelation. During the summer, when the husbands had sent their families in the country, many of them led a very indiscreet life. What I saw the first summer killed all the respect I had for elderly people. I had always connected marriage and gray hairs with virtue and morals; then I learnt otherwise. I must say I became about this time asensual pig. I knew how dangerous these places were on account of the police and blackmailers, but that gave the hunt a double zest. At this time I led a double life and was always watching and analyzing myself. I had to do with heaps of men of all classes. I was often offered money, but that I would on no condition accept. To pay or to be paid kills every sort of erotic feeling in me and always has done so. I once wished to experiment with myself. I was offered a small sum of money by a former schoolmaster. I accepted this just to see how it would affect me. The next moment I threw the money as far away as possible. Then I saw I had none of the prostitute nature in me. I was simply overwhelmed with sensuality. I considered I was a criminal and wished to see in how many ways my nature had the criminal instinct. I wanted to see if I could become a thief. I stole a silver button in a shop where antiquities were sold, but I went to the shop the same day again and returned the button, without the people knowing. I found I could not become a thief. Then the question came. Why had I felt a criminal since my seventh year? Was it my fault? If not, whose fault was it? Not till I studied Freud's psychoanalytical system did I get a clear insight into my own character."When I was 20 years of age I met a gentleman one night in a heavy snow-storm. We walked and talked and understood each other. He belonged to one of Sweden's first aristocratic families. He was extremely refined. He asked me to his rooms. We undressed and lay down. He had a very beautiful head and a still more beautiful body.I think that all my erotic feelings were numbed by looking at his beautiful body. To me anything sensual would have been sacrilege, I thought, and I can remember the feeling of awe which came over me. He was them 20 years of age, but his hair was quite white. First he did not understand, and then he was very gentle to me. I kept perfectly chaste for three whole months after the sight of his body. We saw each other often. Eight years later we met for the last time. He suffered much from melancholia. At that time I prevented him from committing suicide. This winter, however, he shot himself."At the age of 22 my sister introduced me to a charming, intelligent and refined, half-English, half-Swedish painter. We 'recognized' each other at once, though we had never seen each other before, and even knew each other's characters to the smallest traits. My parents liked him better than any friend I had ever had. My sister and he were from the first like sister and brother. The first evening in my home he and I kissed each other. The women were mad about him. Later I found many men were too. I was three weeks his senior. He had his own rooms. I have never felt any such wonderful harmony as when our naked bodies mingled. It was like floating in ether. With him it was the only time I had been active infellatio. We were much together, though not much physically, for he had many love affairs with women. What I loved was the way he would cut off all advances of men, I was his 'little brother' and so he calls me to this day. He is now married in America, and the father of a pretty little daughter. We are the best of friends to this day."The two years in Copenhagen were some of the happiest I have spent, though nearly the whole time I was in physical pain. In Austria I found, among the Tyrolese peasants, that the Englishmen, who come there in winter for sports and in the summer for mountain climbing, have demoralized the young male peasants with money. Homosexual intercourse is easy to get if you are willing to pay the price,—larger in season, less out of season."In Italy it is merely a question of money or passion, but everything in love there is quite transient."In Bavaria I found the love and peace 'which passeth all understanding.' This love and friendship without anything of a physically intimate nature brought me back from the 'deep black gulf' to which I was swiftly floating. When I met my friend I was nearly at the end of my tether. What his love and friendship has done for me, together with Freud's psychoanalytical system, nobody will ever know."Since being in Berlin, a town I like very much, a new life has opened for me, a life where one lives as one likes if one does not have to do with young boys. Here are homosexual baths, pensions, restaurants,and hotels, where you can go with one of your own sex at a certain fee per hour. Berlin is a revelation. But since being here I find the physical erotic side of my nature is little excited. I suppose it is the old story of 'forbidden fruit.'"My parents kept a very hospitable home. The last two years in Sweden I was never at home. I hated society and knew much too much about the private histories of those who came to my home. They all belonged to the highest society. The highest society and the lowest are very much alike. Of course my parents knew nothing about these people. When I told my mother a great deal of private history of people who came to our house, she was thunderstruck and could at last understand my contempt for so-called good society. I have visited in later years only in artistic and theatrical circles; I consider that class of people more natural than the other class and much more kind-hearted."My life has quite another side, the mystic side. But that would be a much longer story than this. Suffice it to say, I am of a highly sensitive nature, gifted with second sight." [A detailed record of the subject's visions, premonitions of death of acquaintances, etc., has been furnished by him.]"I tried on four occasions to commit suicide, but I now see there is nothing to be gained by doing so."Two years ago I told my parents about my sexual condition. It was a frightful blow to them. My father had the circumstances explained to him; he never understood the matter and never discussed it with me. Had I told him earlier I feel quite certain that, with his despotic nature, he would have put me in a madhouse. My mother and sister have treated me very kindly always. My brother has disowned me."HISTORY XVI.—Irish, aged 36; knows of nothing unusual in his ancestry. His tastes are masculine in every respect. He is strong, healthy, and fond of exercises and sports. The sexual instincts are abnormally developed; he confesses to an, enormous appetite for almost everything,—food, drink, smoking, and all the good things of life.At about the age of 14 he practised masturbation with other boys of the same age, and also had much pleasure in being in bed with an uncle with whom the same thing was practised. Later on he practised masturbation with every boy or man with whom he was on terms of intimacy; to have been in bed with anyone without anything of the sort taking place would have made sleep impossible, and rendered him utterly wretched. His erotic dreams at first were concerned with women, but more recently they are usually of young men, and very rarely of women. He is mostly indifferent to women, as also they have always been to him. Although good-looking, strong, and masculine, he has neverknown a woman to be in love with him. When about the age of 18 he imagined he was in love with a girl; and he had often, between the ages of 20 to 30, cohabited with prostitutes. He remembers on one occasion, many years ago, having connection with a woman seven or eight times in one night, and then having to masturbate at noon the next day. He is unmarried, and thinks it is unlikely that he ever will marry, but he adds that if a healthy, handsome, and intelligent woman fell in love with him he might change his mind, as it would be lonely to be old and alone, and he would like to have children.He is never attracted to men older than himself, and prefers youths between the ages of 18 and 25. They may be of any class, but he does not like common people, and is not attached to uniforms or liveries. The requisite attractions are an intelligent eye, a voluptuous mouth, and "intelligent teeth." "If Alcibiades himself tried to woo me," he says, "and had bad teeth, his labor would be in vain." He has sometimes been the active participant inpedicatio, and has tried the passive rôle out of curiosity, but prefersfellatio.He does not consider that he is doing anything wrong, and regards his acts as quite natural. His only regret is the absorbing nature of his passions, which obtrude themselves in season and out of season, seldom or never leaving him quiet, and sometimes making his life a hell. Yet he doubts whether he would change himself, even if he had the power.HISTORY XVII.—Age 25; is employed in an ordinary workshop, and lives in the back alley of a large town in which he was born and bred. Fair, slight, and refined in appearance. The sexual organs are normal and well developed, and the sexual passions strong. His mother is a big masculine woman, and he is much attached to her. Father is slight and weakly. He has seven brothers and one sister. Homosexual desires began at an early age, though he does not seem to have come under any perverse influences. He is not inclined to masturbation. Erotic dreams are always of males. He declares he never cared for any woman except his mother, and that he could not endure to sleep with a woman.He says he generally falls in love with a man at first sight—as a rule, some one older than himself and of higher class—and longs to sleep and be with him. In one case he fell in love with a man twice his own age, and would not rest until he had won his affection. He does not much care what form the sexual relation takes. He is sensitive and feminine by nature, gentle, and affectionate. He is neat and orderly in his habits, and fond of housework; helps his mother in washing, etc. He appears to think that male attachments are perfectly natural.HISTORY XVIII.—Englishman, born in Paris; aged 26; an actor. He belongs to an old English family; his father, so far as he is aware, had no homosexual inclinations, nor had any of his ancestors on thepaternal side; but he believes that his mother's family, and especially a maternal uncle who had a strong feeling for beauty of form, were more akin to him in this respect.His earliest recollections show an attraction for males. At children's parties he incurred his father's anger by kissing other small boys, and his feelings grew in intensity with years. He has never practised self-abuse, and seldom had erotic dreams; when they do occur they are about males.His physical feeling for women is one of absolute indifference. He admires beautiful women in the same way as one admires beautiful scenery. At the same time he likes to talk with clever women, and has formed many friendships with frank, pure, and cultivated English girls, for whom he has the utmost admiration and respect. Marriage is impossible, because physical pleasure with women is impossible; he has tried, but cannot obtain, the slightest sexual feeling or excitement.He especially admires youths (though they must not be immature) from 16 or 17 to about 25. The type which physically appeals to him most, and to which he appeals, is fair, smooth-skinned, gentle, rather girlish and effeminate, with the effeminacy of theingénue, not thecocotte. His favorite to attract him must be submissive and womanly; he likes to be the man and the master. On this point he adds: "The great passion of my life is an exception, and stands on an utterly different level. It realizes an ideal of marriage in which neither is master, but both share a joint empire, and in which tyranny would be equally painful to both. But this friendship and love is for an equal, a year younger than myself, and does not preclude other and less creditableliaisons, physicalconstancy being impossible to men of our caliber."Pedicatiois the satisfaction he prefers, provided he takes the active, never the passive, rôle. He is handsome, with broad shoulders, good figure, and somewhat classic type of face, with fine blue eyes. He likes boating and skating, though not cricket or football, and is usually ready for fun, but has, at the same time, a taste for reading.He has no moral feelings on these matters; he regards them as outside ethics, mere matters of temperament and social feeling. If England were underpopulated he thinks he might possibly feel some slight pangs of remorse; but, as things are, he feels that in prostituting males rather than females he is doing a meritorious action.HISTORY XIX.—T. N. His history is given in his own words."From the time of my earliest imaginings I have always been attached by strength in men and often thought about being carried off by big warriors and living with them in caves and elsewhere. When about 7 a young man used to show me his penis and handle mine occasionally. At private boarding school masturbation was fairly frequentand I suppose I was initiated about 12 or 13. After leaving I occasionally indulged, but nothing happened until I was about 20, except that I was often attracted by strong, well-built young men of good character; a man who was not honest and good-hearted had no attraction. At 20 I was much attached to a young man of my own age. He was engaged. This did not prevent him on one occasion endeavoring playfully and with his brother to obtain access to my person. I successfully resisted, although ifheonly had been present I should not have done so, but welcomed the attempt, and I have often regretted I did not let him know this. But I had a dim idea that my penis was somewhat undeveloped and this made me shy. Circumstances separated us. About two years later I was crossing the Channel when I engaged in conversation with a man about eight years older, who was one of our travelling party. I think the attraction was a case of love at sight, certainly on my side. A few nights later he had so arranged that we shared a bedroom, and he very soon came over to me and tenderly handled my person. I reciprocated and I look back all these years to that night with pleasure and no feeling of shame. On one occasion, about this time, I happened to be sleeping with another young fellow (an office mate) on a holiday, when I awoke and found him handling my penis caressingly. I gently removed his hand and turned over. I thought none the less of him, but my body seemed to belong only to myself and the friend I loved. He was not an urning, I am sure, but we Were often together and I much entered into his interests and felt infinite satisfaction with life, made good progress and many friends. Our physical intimacy was repeated, he taking the active part in intercrural contact. Then he married very happily. Our friendship remains, but circumstances prevent our often meeting, and there is no longer desire on either part."For some years I was rather lonely in spite of friends. I was somewhat attracted to another man, but his superior social position was a defect to me. Then when about 28 I came in contact with a young man of 24, of the artisan class, but superior in ideals and intelligence to most men. I loved him at first glance and to this day. At first it was just friendship, but soon his form, voice, and thoughts entered into my very soul by day and night. I longed always to be near him, to see him progress and help him if I could. I would joyfully have given up home, friends, and income, and followed him to the end of the world, preferably an island where we two might at least be the only white men. He seemed to embody all I longed for in the way of knowledge of nature, of strength, of practical ability, and the desire to imitate him in these things widened and strengthened my character. The first time I slept with him I could only summon courage to put my arm over his chest,but I could not sleep for unsatisfied desire, and the unrelieved erection caused a dull pain on the morrow. I had always disliked conversation that might be regarded as bordering on the obscene, and consequently was very ignorant on most matters; it pained me even to hear him laugh at such remarks. I think if he had been intimate with me I should have not conversed much on such topics, but now I felt pleasure in such things with him as they expressed intimacy. I dreamed about him and was never really happy in his absence; the greatest joy would have been to have slept in his arms; the hairiness of his legs and arms were also most fascinating. Perhaps a year later, we were again at night together, and this time I by degrees felt his private organs, but he was cold and I felt a little unsatisfied. I wanted to be hugged. This happened once more, and then on a later occasion,—not that it afforded me much gratification, but because I wanted to stimulate him to ardor,—I attempted masturbation. This aroused his disgust and I was consequently dismayed. He told me I ought to marry and, although I knew his love was all I wanted, I did not feel but what I could make a woman happy. The constant unrelieved erections which took place when I saw my friend adopt a graceful attitude caused pain at the bottom of my back, and I consulted two specialists, who also advised marriage. I did not tell them I was an 'invert,' for I hardly knew it was a recognized thing, but I did tell them something of what had taken place, and they made next to no comment, but implied it was frequent. My friend now felt repulsion toward me, but did not express himself, and as other circumstances then caused a barrier between us to a certain extent, I did not realize the true reason of his coldness. But I felt utterly miserable. When I met a noble woman whom I had long known I asked her to be my wife and she consented. Although I told her very soon, and long before our marriage, of my limitations as a husband and of my continued longing for my friend, I feel now I did a great wrong, and I cannot understand why I was not more conscious of this at the time; that I was to a certain extent deceiving her relations was inevitable. I had expected to devote my life in making her happy, but I soon found that the true reason of my friend's apparent unfaithfulness was my own action, combined with a feeling on his part that it was as well that our affection should cease even at the cost of misunderstanding. Since then, three years ago, I have not had a happy day or night, and am therefore quite unable to promote happiness in others. Without my friend, I can find no satisfaction with wife, child, or home. Life has become almost unbearable. Often I have seriously thought of committing suicide, only to postpone it to a time which would be less cruelly inopportune to others. I see my friend (now married) almost daily, and suffer tortures at seeing others nearer to him than myself. Noexplanation seems possible, as the whole idea of inversion is so repugnant to him, and being an honorable man he would feel marital ties precludeanywarmth of affection. But all the longing of my life seems to be culminating in a driving force which will carry me to the male prostitute or to death. I can concentrate my mind on nothing else, and consequently have become inefficient in work and have no heart for play. I know if my longings could be occasionally satisfied I should immediately recover, but my fear is that if I killed myself those who knew me in happier days would only be confirmed in the impression of my degeneracy and would feel my instincts had caused it, whereas it is the denial and starvation of them which would have brought about the result. I know now by experience of self and others that my disposition is congenital and that I have been rendered unhappy myself and a cause of unhappiness to others by the too late knowledge of myself. The example of my former friend who married misled me to think I toocouldmarry and make a happy home; so that when the man I loved advised me I resolved to do so, as I would have done almost anything elsehesuggested. If I could have withdrawn from the engagement without embarrassment to the devoted woman who became my wife I would have done so, if she gave me the opportunity. Nothing in my married state has brought me pleasure and I often wish my wife would cease to love me so that we might separate. But she would be heart-broken at the suggestion and I feel driven to attempt to relieve my feelings even in a way that has previously seemed repulsive to me,—I mean by use of money."About my feelings toward my child there is not much to say, as they are not very strong. I believe I carry him and help bathe and attend to him as much as most fathers, and when he is a few years older I hope I may find him very companionable. But he has brought me no real joy, though I see other men look at him almost with affection. But he has brought added happiness to his mother."

HISTORY IX.—R. S., aged 31, American of French descent. "Upon the question of heredity I may say that I belong to a reasonably healthy, prolific, and long-lived family. On my father's side, however, there is a tendency toward pulmonary troubles. He himself died of pneumonia, and two of his brothers and a nephew of consumption. Neither of my parents were morbid or eccentric. Excepting for a certain shyness with strangers, my father was a very masculine man. My mother is somewhat nervous, but is not imaginative, nor at all demonstrative in her affections. I think that my own imaginative and artistic temperament must come from my father's side. Perhaps my French ancestry has something to do with it. With the exception of my maternal grandfather, all my progenitors have been of French descent. My mother's father was English.

"I possess a mercurial temperament and a strong sense of the ludicrous. Though myphysiqueis slight, my health has always been excellent. Of late years especially I have been greatly given to introspection and self-scrutiny, but have never had any hallucinations, mental delusions, nor hysterics, and am not at all superstitious. Spiritualistic manifestations, hypnotic dabblings, and the other psychical fads of the day have little or no attraction for me. In fact, I have always been skeptical of them, and they rather bore me.

"At school I was an indolent, dreamy boy, shirking study, but otherwise fairly docile to my teachers. From earliest childhood I have indulged in omnivorous taste for reading, my particular likings being for travels, esthetics, metaphysical and theological subjects, and more recently for poetry and certain forms of mysticism. I never cared much for history or for scientific subjects. From the beginning, too, I showed a strong artistic bent, and possessed an overpowering love for all things beautiful. As a child I was passionately fond of flowers, loved to be in the woods and alone, and wanted to become an artist. My parents opposed the latter wish and I gave way before their opposition.

"In me the homosexual nature is singularly complete, and is undoubtedly congenital. The most intense delight of my childhood (even when a tiny boy in a nurse's charge) was to watch acrobats and riders at the circus. This was not so much for the skillful feats as on account of the beauty of their persons. Even then I cared chiefly for the more lithe and graceful fellows. People told me that circus actors were wicked, and would steal little boys, and so I came to look upon my favorites as half-devil and half-angel. When I was older and could go about alone, I would often hang around the tents of travelling shows in hope of catchinga glimpse of the actors. I longed to see them naked, without their tights, and used to lie awake at night thinking of them and longing to be loved and embraced by them. A certain bareback rider, a sort of jockey, used especially to please me on account of his handsome legs, which were clothed in fleshlings up to his waist, leaving his beautiful loins uncovered by a breech-clout. There was nothing consciously sensual about these reveries, because at the time I had no sensual feelings or knowledge. Curiously enough, the women-actors repelled me then (as they do to this day) quite as strongly as I was attracted by the men.

"I used, also, to take great pleasure in watching men and boys in swimming, but my opportunities for seeing them thus were extremely rare. I never dared let my comrades know how I felt about these matters, but the sight of a well-formed, naked youth or man would fill me (and does now) with mingled feelings of bashfulness, anguish, and delight. I used to tell myself endless stories of a visionary castle inhabited by beautiful boys, one of whom was especially my dear chum.

"It was always theprince, in fairy tales, who held my interest or affection. I was constantly falling in love with handsome boys whom I never knew; nor did I ever try to mix in their company, for I was abashed before them, and had no liking nor aptitude for boyish games. Sometimes I played with girls because they were more quiet and gentler, but I cared for them little or not at all.

"As is usually the case, my parents neglected to impart to me any sexual knowledge, and such as I possessed was gathered furtively from tainted sources, bad boys' talk at school and elsewhere. My elders let me know, in a vague way, that talk of the kind was wicked, and natural timidity and a wish to be 'good' kept me from learning much about sexual matters. As I never went to boarding-school, I was spared, perhaps, many of the degrading initiations administered by knowing boys at such institutions.

"In spite of what has been said above, I do not believe that I was sexually very precocious, and even now I feel that more pleasure would ensue from merely contemplating than from personal contact with the object of my amorous attentions.

"As I grew older there came, of course, an undefined physical longing, but it was thebeautyof those I admired which mainly appealed to me. At the time of puberty I spontaneously acquired the habit of masturbation. Once while bathing I found that a pleasant feeling came with touching the sexual organs. It was not long before I was confirmed in the habit. At first I practised it but seldom, but afterward much more frequently (say, once a week), though at times months have elapsed without any indulgences on my part. I have only had erotic dreams three or four times in my life. The masturbation habit Iregard as morally reprehensible and have made many resolutions to break it, but without avail. It affords me only the most momentary satisfaction, and is always followed by remorseful scruples.

"I have never in my life had any sexual feeling for a woman, nor any sexual connection with any woman whatsoever. The very thought of such a thing is excessively repugnant and disgusting to me. This is true, apart from any moral considerations, and I do not think I could bring myself to it. I am not attracted by young women in any way. Even their physical beauty has little or no charm for me, and I often wonder how men can be so affected by it. On the other hand, I am not a woman-hater, and have several strong friends of the opposite sex. They are, however, women older than myself, and our friendship is based solely on certain intellectual or esthetic tastes we have in common.

"I have had practically no physical relations with men; at any rate, none specifically sexual. Once, when about 19 or 21, I started to embrace a beautifully formed youth with whom I was sleeping, but timidity and scruples got the better of my feelings, and, as my bedfellow was not amorously inclined toward me, nothing came of it. A few years after this I became strongly attached to a friend whom I had already known for several years. Circumstances threw us very much together during one summer. It was now that I felt for the first time the full shock of love. He returned my affection, but both of us were shy of showing our feelings or speaking of them. Often when walking together after night-fall we would put our arms about each other. Sometimes, too, when sleeping together we would lie in close contact, and my friend once suggested that I put my legs against his. He frequently begged me to spend the night with him; but I began to fear my feelings, and slept with him but seldom. We neither of us had any definite ideas about homosexual relations, and, apart from what I have related above, we had no further contact with each other. A few months after our amorous feelings had developed my friend died. His death caused me great distress, and my naturally religious temperament began to manifest itself quite strongly. At this time, too, I first read some writings of Mr. Addington Symonds, and certain allusions in his work, coupled with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full consciousness of my inverted nature.

"About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a strong and instant attraction. He possessed a refined, handsome face, was gracefully built, and, though he was rather undemonstrative, we soon became fast friends.

"We were together only for a few days, when I was obliged to leave for my home, and the parting caused me great unhappiness and depression.A few months after we spent a vacation together. One day during our trip we went swimming, and undressed in the same bathhouse. When I saw my friend naked for the first time he seemed to me so beautiful that I longed to throw my arms about him and cover him with kisses. I kept my feelings hidden, however, hardly daring to look at him for fear of being unable to restrain my desires. Several times afterward, in his room, I saw him stripped, with the same effect upon my emotions. Until I had seen him naked my feelings for him were not of a physical character, but afterward I longed for actual contact, but only by embraces and kisses. Though he was fond of me, he had absolutely no amorous longings for me, and being a simple, pure-minded fellow, would have loathed me for mine and my inverted nature. I was careful never to let him discover it, and I was made very unhappy when he confided that he was in love with a young girl whom he wished to marry. This episode took place several years ago, and though we are still friends my emotional feelings for him have cooled considerably.

"I have always been very shy of showing any affectionate tendencies. Most of my acquaintances (and close friends even) think me curiously cold, and often wonder why I have never fallen in love or married. For obvious reasons I have never been able to tell them.

"Three or four years ago a little book by Coventry Patmore fell into my hands, and from its perusal resulted a strange blending of my religious and erotic notions. The desire to love and be loved is hard to drown, and, when I realized that homosexually it was neither lawful nor possible for me to love in this world, I began to project my longings into the next. By birth I am a Roman Catholic, and in spite of a somewhat skeptical temper, manage to remain one by conviction.

"From the doctrines of the Trinity, Incarnation, and Eucharist, I have drawn conclusions which would fill the minds of the average pietist with holy horror; nevertheless I believe that (granting the premises) these conclusions are both logically and theologically defensible. The Divinity of my fancied paradise resembles in no way the vapid conceptions of Fra Angelico, or the Quartier St. Sulpice. His physical aspect, at least, would be better represented by some Praxitilean demigod or Flandrin's naked, brooding boy.

"While these imaginings have caused me considerable moral disquietude, they do not seem wholly reprehensible, because I feel that the chief happiness I would derive by their realization would be mainly from the contemplation of the loved one, rather than from closer joys.

"I possess only a slight knowledge of the history and particulars of erotic mysticism, but it is likely that my notions are neither new nor peculiar, and many utterances of the few mystical writers with whose works I am acquainted seem substantially in accord with my own longingsand conclusions. In endeavoring to find for them some sanction of valid authority, I have always sought corroboration from members of my own sex; hence am less likely to have fashioned my views after those of hypersensitive or hysterical women.

"You will rightly infer that it is difficult for me to say exactly how I regard (morally) the homosexual tendency. Of this much, however, I am certain, that, even, if it were possible, I would not exchange my inverted nature for a normal one. I suspect that the sexual emotions and even inverted ones have a more subtle significance than is generally attributed to them; but modern moralists either fight shy of transcendental interpretations or see none, and I am ignorant and unable to solve the mystery these feelings seem to imply.

"Patmore speaks boldly enough, in his way, and Lacordaire has hinted at things, but in a very guarded manner. I have neither the ability nor opportunity to study what the mystics of the Middle Ages have to say along these lines, and, besides, the medieval way of looking at things is not congenial to me. The chief characteristic of my tendency is an overpowering admiration for male beauty, and in this I am more akin to the Greeks.

"I have absolutely no words to tell you how powerfully such beauty affects me. Moral and intellectual worth is, I know, of greater value, but physical beauty Iseemore clearly, and it appears to me the mostvivid(if not the most perfect) manifestation of the divine. A little incident may, perhaps, reveal to you my feelings more completely. Not long ago I happened to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter a house of assignation with a common woman of the streets. The sight filled me with the keenest anguish, and the thought that his beauty would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made me feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness to a sacrilege. It may be that my rage for male loveliness is only another outbreaking of the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find that I long less for the actual youth before me, and more and more for some ideal, perfect being whose bodily splendor and loving heart are the realities whose reflections only we see in this cave of shadows. Since the birth and development within me of what, for lack of a better name, I term my homosexualized Patmorean ideal, life has become, in the main, a weary business. I am not despondent, however, because many things still hold for me a certain interest. When that interest dies down, as it is wont from time to time, I endeavor to be patient. God grant that, after the endhere, I may be drawn from the shadow, and seemingly vain imaginings into the possession of their never-ending realityhereafter."

HISTORY X.—A. H., aged 62. Belongs to a family which cannot be regarded as healthy, but there is no insanity among near relations.Father a very virile man of high character and good intelligence, but not sound physical health. Mother was high-strung and nervous, but possessed of indomitable courage and very affectionate; she lived very happily with her husband. She became a chronic invalid and died of consumption. A. H. was a seven months' child, the third in the family, who were born very rapidly, so that there is only three years difference in the ages of the first and third children. A. H. believes that one of his brothers, who has never married and prefers men to women, is also inverted, though not to the same degree as himself, and he also suspects that a relation of his mother's may have been an invert. Sister, who resembles the father in character, is married, but is spoken of as a woman's woman rather than a man's woman. The family generally are considered proud and reserved, but of superior mental endowment.

In early life A. H. was delicate and his studies were often interrupted by illness. Though living under happy conditions he was shy and nervous, often depressed. In later life his health has been up to the average, and he has usually been able to conceal his mental doubts and diffidence.

As a child he played with dolls and made girls his companions until an age when he grew conscious that his conduct was unusual and became ashamed, while his father seemed troubled about him. He regards himself as having been a very childish child.

His conscious sexual life began between the ages of 8 and 10. He was playing in the garden when he saw a manservant who had long been with the family, standing at the door of a shed with his penis exposed and erect. The boy had never seen anything of the kind before, but felt great delight in the exhibition and moved shyly toward the man, who retreated into the shed. The boy followed and was allowed to caress and play with the penis until ejaculation took place, the man replying, in reply to the child's innocent inquiries, that it "felt good." This experience was frequently repeated with the same man, and the boy confided in a boy friend, with whom he tried to ascertain by personal experience what the "good feeling" was like, but they were too young to derive any pleasure from the attempt beyond the joy of what was instinctively felt to be "eating forbidden fruit."

From this period his sexual tendencies began to become fixed and self-conscious. He has never at any period of life had a moment's conscious sexual attraction toward a person of the opposite sex. His warmest friendships have, indeed, been with women and much, perhaps most, of the happiness he has enjoyed has been furnished by those friendships. But passion has only been aroused by persons of his own sex, generally by men much younger than himself. He feels shy anduncomfortable in the presence of men of his own age. But even at his present age, a touch of a man or boy may cause the liveliest gratification.

Shortly after the incident in boyhood, already narrated, A. H. induced a little boy companion to go to a quiet spot, where, at A. H.'s suggestion, each placed the other's penis in his mouth by turns. A. H. had never heard of such a proceeding. It was a natural instinct. He began to masturbate at an early age. But he soon found a companion to share his passion. An older man, especially, married and with a family, became his accomplice on every possible opportunity, and they would manipulate each other. At the age of 21,fellatiobegan to be practised with this man. It became a lifelong practice, and the preferred method of sexual gratification. He likes best to have it performed on himself, but he has never asked anyone to do for him what he would not himself do for the other if desired. There has never beenpedicatio. The penis, it may be added, is of good size, and the testicles rather large.

No one has ever suspected A. H.'s sexual perversion, not even his physician, with whom he has long had a close friendship, until at a time of great mental distress A. H. voluntarily revealed his state. He is accustomed to refined society, has always read much, abhorred athletic pursuits, and loved poetry, children, and flowers. His love of nature amounts, indeed, to a passion. Wherever he has been he has made friends among the best people. He confesses to occasional periods of addiction to intoxicants, induced by sociable companionship, and only controlled by force of will.

For business he has not the slightest aptitude, and cannot look after his own affairs. He is always dreading poverty and destitution. He believes, however, that he passes among his friends as fairly capable.

He considers that inversion is natural in his case and that he has a perfect right to gratify his own natural instincts, though he also admits they may be vices. He has never sought to influence an innocent person toward his own tendencies.

HISTORY XI.—T. D., knows of nothing abnormal in his ancestry. His brother has homosexual tendencies, but is also attracted to women. A sister, who is very religious, states that she has little or no sexual inclinations. They were all of a dreamy disposition when young, to the disgust of their teachers. He sent the following account of himself from the University at the age of 20:—

"When I was a child (before I went to school at 9)," he writes, "I was already of an affectionate disposition, an affection turned readily to either sex. No boy was the cause of my inclinations, which were quite spontaneous. (No doubt, part of the cause may be found in our social system, by which ladies are rather drawing-room creatures to be treatedwith distant respect.) When I was 10, at a preparatory school, I first began to form attachments with other boys of my own age, in which I always had regard to physical beauty. It is this stage, in which the sexual element is latent, that Shelley speaks of as preceding love in ardent natures.

"At 12 I learned masturbation, apparently by instinct, and, I regret to say, practised it to excess for the next seven years, always secretly and with shame, and often with the accompaniment of prurient imaginings which did not prevent my relations with those I loved being of a very spiritual nature. Masturbation was often practised daily, with bursts of repentance and abstinence, latterly more rarely. But until I was 15 I really knew nothing of sexual matters, and it was not till I was at least 17 that I was conscious of sexual desire, which I repressed with shame.

"Owing to excessive self-abuse, I am unable to emit except manually, but desire is strong. I think naked contact would suffice, and in any case intercrural connection.PedicatioandfellatioI abhor. I love boys between the ages of 12 and 15; they must be of my own class, refined, and lovable. I only desire the active masculine part. I now regard my inclinations as natural and normal to me. The difficulty is that of leading the other party to regard it as such, besides the young age required and clandestine nature of proceedings necessary. The moral difficulties of circumstances are so strong that I have little hope of ever gratifying my passion fully. I have found myself deceived in the character of the boy twice. The last friendship lasted three years, during which time I only saw him naked two or three times (this caused erection), never touched him pruriently, and only kissed him once.

"I have never found a satisfactory object of my affections, and my happiness, perhaps my health, have been seriously injured. At my public school a master helped me to a truer understanding of these things. The merely animal sodomy which exists in many public schools was unknown. What I learned of sex I learned for myself. I am recommended to turn my aspirations to the abstract universal maid; but so far at least I cannot do it.

"Male Greek statuary and thePhœdrusof Plato have had a great, though only confirmatory, influence on my feelings. My ideal is that of Theocritus XIII, wherein Hercules was bringing Hylas to the perfect measure of a man. My first thought is the good of my friend, but, except for the good subjective influence of passion, I have failed utterly.

"I am very tall, dark, rather strong, fond of games, though I do not excel, owing to short sight. I am English, though I have French blood, which may account for an unreservedly passionate disposition. Though unlike other people, I am not in the least feminine, nor has anyone thought so to my knowledge. I can whistle easily and well. I am somasculine that I cannot even conceive of passive sexual pleasure in women, much less in men. (That is one of the difficulties in boy-love.) My affections are inextricably bound up in the ideals of protection of one weaker than myself. In the earlier days, when sexuality was less conscious, this was a great source of romantic feeling, the glamour of which is rather departing. I cannot understand love of adult males, much less if they are of lower class, and the idea of prostitution is nauseous to me.

"I think I may say that I have the esthetic and moral sense very strongly ingrained. Indeed, they are largely synonymous with me. I have no dramatic aptitude, and, though I flatter myself that my taste is good in music, I have no knowledge of music. If I have a favorite color, it is a dark crimson or blue, of the nature of old stained glass. I derive great pleasure from all literary and pictorial art and architecture; indeed, art of all kinds. I have facility in writing personal lyrical verse; it affords me relief.

"I think my inversion must be congenital, as the desire of contact with those boys I loved began before masturbation and has lasted through private and public resorts and into university life. The other sex does not attract me, but I am very fond of children, girls as well as boys. (If there is sexuality in this, which I trust there is not, it is latent)."

This statement is of interest because it may well lead us to suppose that the writer, who is of balanced mind and sound judgment, possesses a confirmed homosexual outlook on life. While, however, it is the rule for the permanent direction of the sexual impulse to be decided by the age of 20, that age is too early to permit us to speak positively, especially in a youth whose adolescent undifferentiated or homosexual impulses are fostered by university life. This proved to be! the case with T. D., who, though doubtless possessing a psychically anomalous strain, is yet predominantly masculine. On leaving the university his heterosexuality asserted itself normally. About six years after the earlier statement, he wrote that he had fallen in love. "I am on the eve of marrying a girl of nearly my own age. She has sympathy as well as knowledge in my fields of study; it was thus easier for me to explain my past, and I found that she could not understand the moral objections to homosexual practices. My own opinion always was that the moral objections were very considerable, but might in some cases be overcome. In any case I have entirely lost my sexual attraction toward boys; though I am glad to say that the appreciation of their charm and grace remains. My instincts, therefore, have undergone a considerable change, but the change is not entirely in the direction of normality. The instinct for sodomy in the proper sense of the word used to be unintelligible to me; since the object of attraction has become a woman this instinct is mixed with the normal in my desire.Further, an element which much troubled me, as being most foreign to my ideal feelings, has not quite left me—the indecent and often scatologic curiosity about immature girls. I can only hope that the realization of the normal in marriage may finally kill these painful aberrations. I should add that the practice of masturbation has been abandoned."

HISTORY XII.—Aged 24. Father and mother both living; the latter is of a better social standing than the father. He is much attached to his mother, and she gives him some sympathy. He has a brother who is normally attracted to women. He himself has never been attracted to women, and takes no interest in them nor in their society.

At the age of 4 he first became conscious of an attraction for older males. From the ages of 11 and 19, at a large grammar-school, he had relationships with about one hundred boys. Needless to add, he considers homosexuality extremely common in schools. It was, however, the Oscar Wilde case which first opened his eyes to the wide prevalence of homosexuality, and he considers that the publicity of that case has done much, if not to increase homosexuality, at all events to make it more conspicuous and outspoken.

He is now attracted to youths about 5 or 6 years younger than himself; they must be good-looking. He has never perverted a boy not already inclined to homosexuality. In his relationship he does not feel exclusively like a male or a female: sometimes one, sometimes the other. He is often liked, he says, because of his masculine character.

He is fully developed and healthy, well over middle height, inclined to be plump, with full face and small moustache. He smokes many cigarettes and cannot get on without them. Though his manners are very slightly if at all feminine, he acknowledges many feminine ways. He is fond of jewelry, until lately always wore a bangle, and likes women's rings; he is very particular about fine ties, and uses very delicate women's handkerchiefs. He has always had a taste for music, and sings. He has a special predilection for green; it is the predominant color in the decoration of his room, and everything green appeals to him. He finds that the love of green (and also of violet and purple) is very widespread among his inverted friends.

HISTORY XIII.—Artist, aged 34. "The earliest sex impression that I am conscious of," he writes, "is at the age of 9 or 10 falling in love with a handsome boy who must have been about two years my senior. I do not recollect ever having spoken to him, but my desire, so far as I can recall, was that he should seize hold of and handle me. I have a distinct impression yet of how pleasurable even physical pain or cruelty would have been at his hands. (I have noticed that in young childrenit is often difficult to differentiate the sexual emotions from what in the grown up would be definite cruelty.)

"It must have been at about this time that I discovered—entirely by myself—the act of masturbation. The process grew up quite naturally, though I cannot but think that the cooped-up life in a London street and a London school, with want of physical exercise, as well as want of landscape, color, and beautiful form, had much to do with it. The tone of the school I was at was singularly clean, but I question whether the vaunted cleanliness of tone of day-schools can compensate for the open life and large discipline of an English public school.

"How far the rather frequent masturbation between the ages of 10 and 13 may have had to do with weakly health I do not know, but when I was 12 I was taken by my mother to a famous doctor. He made no inquiries of a sexual nature, but he advised that I should be sent away from London. He had a sentimental horror of violent games, etc., for boys, and put aside various suggested public schools. Finally I was sent to a private school at the seaside.

"The private school was clean and wholesome. The plunge into the sexual cocytus of the great public school that followed was effectually sudden. In my day —— was a perfect stew of uncleanness. There was plenty of incontinence, not much cruelty, no end of dirty conversation, and a great deal of genuine affection, even to heroism, shown among the boys in their relations to one another. All these things were treated by masters and boys alike as more or less unholy, with the result that they were either sought after or flung aside, according to the sexual or emotional instinct of each. No attempt was made at discrimination. A kiss was as unclean as the act offellatio, and no one had any gauge or principle whatever on which to guide the cravings of boyhood.

"My first initiation into the mysteries of sex was at the hands of the dormitory servant, who showed me his penis when he woke me in the mornings, and masturbated me when he gave me my hot bath on a Saturday night. This old reprobate of 45 committed the act offellatiowith most of the boys in turn as he went the dormitory rounds. For the older lads I cannot speak, but over us younger ones of 14 and 15 he exercised a sort of unholy terror and fascination. He was very popular; we came to him like doves to a snake. When I revisited my old school many years later he was occupying a very responsible position in the college chapel, and I noticed that he wore that expression of sly reverence which I think I can now instantly detect when I see it in a man.

"For the rest the dormitory was boisterous and lewd, and there was a good deal of bullying, which probably did little harm. My principal recollection now is of the filthy mystery of foul talk, that I neither cared for nor understood. What I really needed, like all the other boys, was alittle timely help over the sexual problems, but this we none of us got, and each had to work out his own principle of conduct for himself. It was a long, difficult, and wasteful process, and I cannot but believe that many of us failed in the endeavor. We had come unprepared with any advice. The principle upon which we were apparently trained was the repression of every instinct. My mother was ignorant from innocence, my father from indifference, and so between them I was sent out helpless. A mother incurs great responsibility in sending her child away unprepared. A parent should not seek to shift his responsibility upon the schoolmaster. Love alone should be the fount from which revelations should flow; the master, from the very nature of his position, cannot reveal.

"An imminent breakdown in health—due, it would now appear, to quite obvious causes—relieved me from the purgatory of the college dormitory, and I was removed to one of the private houses. These establishments were considered more select and less 'rough.' The social atmosphere was, however, perhaps more unwholesome, because more effeminate, and was full of noble young sucklings. The nominal head of the house under normal conditions might have been a real leader; as it was, the real head of the house was a gilded young pariah, fairly low down in the school and full of hypocrisy and unnatural lusts. The boy who occupied the cubicle next to mine was also a bad case of sexual misdirection, though he had not the social distinction to make him quite so refined a terror. I had every opportunity of watching him until, two years later, he was fortunately asked to leave. He talked bawd from morning till night, got drunk on one or two occasions, masturbated constantly without concealment, had several of the younger boysinter femora, though without evincing any care or affection for them, and gave one the impression of having been born for a brothel. His one redeeming quality was an element of good nature: a characteristic one often finds among such as are selfish and irresponsible. I have since been told that he has gone completely to the dogs. Whether this young cub's sexual instincts could have been turned or guided I do not know; but in a rougher and simpler life than that of a public school, in a more open and less hypocritical atmosphere, he might, perhaps, have been licked into better shape. Hypocrisy is a vice, however, that schoolboys themselves are fortunately free from. It comes later. The tone among the boys was frankly and violently unclean, though unclean not from instinct, but from want of direction and from repression.

"I have not a single happy recollection of this period of my school life. Yet out of this morass of misbegotten virtues I plucked my first blossom of genuine affection. I call it a blossom because it never ripened even to flower. I had been given the extreme of filth to feed upon atthe outset, and now I found for myself the extreme of chastity. It will be a matter of lifelong regret to me that the love which was the lodestar of my school years was never fulfilled or set upon a sound basis of comradeship.

"When I was about 16½ years old there came into the house a boy about two years younger than myself, and who became the absorbing thought of my school days. I do not remember a moment, from the time I first saw him to the time I left school, that I was not in love with him, and the affection was reciprocated, if somewhat reservedly. He was always a little ahead of me in books and scholarship, but as our affection ripened we spent most of our spare time together, and he received my advances much as a girl who is being wooed, a little mockingly, perhaps, but with real pleasure. He allowed me to fondle and caress him, but our intimacy never went further than a kiss, and about that even was the slur of shame; there was always a barrier between us, and we never so much as whispered to one another concerning those things of which all the school obscenely talked. Any connection between our own emotions and the sexual morals of the school never occurred to us. In fact, we lived a dream-life of chastity that could not relate itself to any human conditions. This was suddenly broken in upon. My friend was very beautiful and an object of attraction to others. That some of the elder boys had made offers of sexual intercourse to him I knew, but to him, as to me, that was unspeakable wickedness. One day I heard that four or five of these suitors of his had mishandled him; they had, I believe, taken off his trousers and attempted to masturbate him. The offense was probably horse play of an animal nature; to me it seemed an unpardonable offense. The matter had been reported to the master by a servant, but confirmatory evidence was needed before punishment could follow. I was torn asunder by passions I could not then analyze and in the end committed the greatest of schoolboy crimes,—I sneaked. The action under the circumstances was courageous, but I was indifferent so long as the boy I loved judged me rightly. The result was that at the close of the term four or five of the senior boys were 'asked to leave.' The remaining brief period of my school life, which had previously been a living hell, became really happy. That this should have been brought about to the harm of four or five boys whose sin, after all, was but a misdirected impulse for which the system was responsible, seems to me now all very wrong. Of the boys sent away, however, certainly three have made honorable careers. For my friend and I, we became more afraid of each other than before; as our affections increased, so our fear of them increased also. The friendship was too ethereal to live; but even yet we still have a deep respect for one another.

"When at the age of 19 I left school I was allowed to knock about for a year before entering college. During this time I picked up a sexual experience that may or may not have been a valuable one, I certainly look back upon it now, with regret, if not with horror. My father had discovered, some months before this date, that I was in the habit of masturbating, and he gave me what he conceived to be the right counsel under the circumstances: 'If you do this,' he said, 'you will never be able to use your penis with a woman. Therefore your best plan will be to go with a prostitute. Should you do this, however, you will probably pick up a beastly disease. Therefore the safest way would be to do it abroad if you get the chance, for there the houses are licensed.' Having delivered himself of this advice he troubled himself no further in the matter, but left me to work out my own destiny. The great physician, to whom I was taken about this time, also gave me his advice on this point. 'Masturbation,' he said, 'is death. A number of young men come to me with the same story. I tell them they are killing themselves, and you will kill yourself, too.' The doctor's hope was apparently to frighten his young patients into what he conceived to be natural conditions of life, and one went away from him with the impression that every sexual manifestation in one's self was a physical infirmity, due to one's own moral weakness. It took me some time before I could make up my mind to follow my father's advice, but after a period of real moral agony I deliberately and entirely in cold blood acted upon it. I sought out a scarlet woman in the streets of —— and went home with her. From something she said to me I know that I gave her pleasure, and she asked me to come to her again. This I did twice, but without any real pleasure. The whole thing was too sordid and soulless, and the man who decides to take an evil medicine regularly has first to make up his mind that he really needs it.

"At about the same time I chanced to be, for a few months, in a German university town, and I determined, as I had the opportunity, to carry the parental advice to the logical conclusion. I tried a licensed house. The place was clean and decent, and the conditions, I take it, such as one would normally find in any properly regulated continental city; but to me the whole thing appeared unspeakably horrible. It was a purely commercial transaction, and it had not even the redeeming element of risk to one's self, or of offense against a social or disciplinary code. I came away feeling that I had touched bottom in my sexual experiences, and I understood what it was that Faust saw when the red mouse sprang from the mouth of the witch in the Walpurgis dance.

"These were the only occasions upon which I have had sexual intercourse with women. Looking back to them now, they appear to me to have been almost inevitable; but if I had my life over again I wouldshun them as I would a lethal draught. I believe I came out of the fire unscathed; probably, indeed, it did me good, in the sense that it made it possible for me to look deeper into life; though to what extent seeing the torments of the damned makes us do this, perhaps only a Dante could tell. To gain knowledge at the expense of the shame and misery of others I hold to be fundamentally wrong and immoral. What is to me, however, the chief and bitterest thought is that I flung away the first spring of manhood where I got no love in return. His virginity is, or should be, as glorious and sacred a possession to a youth as to a maiden; to be guarded jealously; to be given only at the call of love, to one who loves him—be it comrade, mistress, or wife—and whom he can love in return.

"The full university life into which I now entered at the age of 20 brought with it a flood of new ideas, feelings and sensations. The friendships I made there will always remain the central ones in my life. Up to my last term at college at the age of 24 I still wore my chain-mail of artificial chastity; but then a change gradually set in, and I began to understand the relationship of the physical phenomena of sex to its intellectual and imaginative manifestations. (I was not destined to fully realize this for some years and then exclusively through and out of my own personal experience.) It was the study of Walt Whitman'sLeaves of Grassthat first brought me light upon this question. Hitherto I had kept the two things locked up, as it were, in two separate air-tight compartments,—my friendships in one, my sex instincts in another,—to be kept under and repressed by the public-school code as I conceived it.

"It is needless to say that I was continually troubled by the customary sex phenomena: erotic dreams, loss of semen, troublesome erections at night, etc. These I repressed as best I could, by habitual masturbation and by the regular diet and exercise which academic life made possible. At one time, for the period of a year I should say, I tried to overcome the desire for masturbation by gradual stages, on the principle of the drunkard's cure by which he took every day less tipple by the insertion of one pebble more in his bottle. I marked on my calendar the erotic dreams and the nights on which I masturbated, and sought gradually to extend the intervening periods. Six weeks, however, was the longest time for which I was able to abstain."

A few years later the writer of this communication formed an intimate relationship (in which he did not make the first advances) with a youth, some years younger than himself and of lower social class, whose development he was able to assist. "But for my part," he remarks, "I owe him as much as I gave him, for his love lighted up the gold of affection that was in me and consumed the dross. It was from him that I first learned that there was no such thing as a hard-and-fast line betweenthe physical and the spiritual in friendship." This relationship lasted for some years, when the young man married; its effects are described as very beneficial to both parties; all the sexual troubles vanished, together with the desire to masturbate. "Everything in life began to sing with joy, and what little of real creative work I may have done I attribute largely to the power of work that was born in me during those years."

HISTORY XIV.—Scotchman, aged 38. His paternal ancestors were normal, so far as he knows. His mother belonged to a very eccentric old Celtic family. Soon after 5 he became so enamored of a young shepherd that the boy had to be sent away. He practised masturbation many years before the age of puberty, and attaches importance to this as a factor in the evolution of his homosexual life.

He has had erotic dreams rarely about men, about women more frequently. While indifferent to women, he has no repulsion toward them. He has had connection with women two or three times, but without experiencing the same passionate emotions as with men.

He would like a son, but he has never been able to get up the necessary amount of passion to lead to marriage.

He has always had a sentimental and Platonic affection for men. Of late years he has formed two friendships with adults of an affectionate and also erotic character. He cares little for anything beyond mutual masturbation and kissing; what he desires is the love of the male.

In appearance there is nothing abnormal about him except an air of youth. He is vigorous both in body and mind, and has enormous power of resisting fatigue. He is an excellent man of business. Is a patient student. He sees no harm in his homosexual passions. He is averse to promiscuity. His ideal is a permanent union which includes sexual relations.

HISTORY XV.—T. S., artist, aged 32. "I was born in England. My father was a Jew, the first to marry out of his family and to marry a Christian. My great-grandparents were cousins; he was a German and she was a Dane. My grandparents were also cousins; he was a Swede and she was a Dane.

"My maternal grandfather was an English Protestant, and my maternal grandmother was Irish, fanatically Roman Catholic, and a very eccentric woman.

"In my father's family there have been many members of note. In my mother's family there were many renowned lawyers.

"My father had an elder brother who was homosexual. He was already, at 31 years of age, a prominent author, when he died of consumption. I have also a second cousin on my father's side who is avery good tenor; he is also homosexual. In my mother's family I know of nothing abnormal.

"In neither family is there or has there been any insanity, but rather an overwealth of brain.

"My parents were an ideally happy couple. They were engaged after knowing each other six days, and after being separated three months they married. They were married thirty-five years without a quarrel. I have a brother three years older, born a year after their marriage, and a sister seven years younger.

"My brother takes after his father in appearance. He is a great lover of women and much spoiled by them. He is quite normal and abstemious.

"My sister is a very womanly woman. As a girl she disapproved very much of girl friendships and always confided in her mother. At 13 years of age she met the man she is now married to. They waited ten years before marrying and are now an ideally happy couple. My sister is perfectly normal and very abstemious.

"I lived my first ten years in England, eighteen years in Sweden, two years in Denmark, two years in Bavaria, Austria, and Italy, and am now living in Berlin. I consider myself English. I am mentally a man, but all my physical feelings and desires are those of a woman.

"I am middle height and very slight. Weigh 106 English pounds, without clothes. My hands and feet are small and well-shaped. Head of normal size. Features small. Eyes green. Have worn glasses since I was 7 years old. Complexion fair. Appearance not Jewish. The skin of my body is very white, without blemish. Very little hair on my face. Hair on head and abdomen luxuriant. No hair whatever on stomach and chest. Color of hair auburn everywhere except below navel, that black. (My father's, mother's, and brother's hair was brown. My sister has auburn hair, and so had the aforementioned uncle.) My breasts are slightly round; my hips are normal. I do not gesticulate much. From my material self it would be difficult to draw the conclusion that I was homosexual. My sexual organs are normal.

"My disposition is apparently bright, but in reality melancholy. Have very little love for human nature, but have a partiality for the British and Jewish races. Hate business, politics, sports, and society. Love music, art, literature, and nature. Deep interest in mysticism. Am clairvoyant. Have been used many times as a medium. Lead two separate lives, an outer and inner psychic life. Am a fatalist and a theosophist. Profound belief in reincarnation, always have had, because when I was a little child I could 'remember' so much. Have an excellent memory, dating back to my third year. Have always been too self-analytical. Have from my earliest childhood felt myselfan alien. Am very sensitive, physically and psychically. Have no wish to wear woman's clothing or do woman's work. As to clothes for myself, I prefer black and not much jewelry.

"I could only love a perfectly manly man from 21 to 40 years of age. He must be physically beautiful and well made. Size of sexual organs plays no part. The muscles must be developed and the hands must be especially well shaped. Hands are my fetish. (I could never love anyone with ugly hands.) He must have no odor issuing from his body (though I do not dislike faint perfume when clothed), and, above all, never have a bad breath. He must be intelligent, love music, art, literature, and nature. He must be refined and cultured and have been about the world. He must have simplicity in behavior, dress, and manner, and, above all, be clean-bodied as clean-minded. Cynicism I cannot stand. (Here I may state I once owned a St. Bernard dog which reminded me much of my ideal. He was always sedate, always loving, and faithful; generally quiet. He only got excited when out in the elements.) I have not been able to get on with people who have no sense of humor. From my birth I was physically weak. First I suffered from eczema. Being born with a double squint, I was operated on at 2½ and again at 3½ years of age, with excellent result. From 4 to 12 years of age I had convulsions (often), and all the illnesses of childhood. At the age of 12½ years I took scarlet fever, followed by a weak heart, which grew stronger after a year, and Bright's disease, which lasted fifteen years with hardly a break. This illness had its wonted effect of producing melancholia and upsetting the whole nervous system. Bright's disease stopped suddenly but was followed by a succession of illnesses. Then I had neuritis very badly. I then removed to Bavaria, and to regain nervous strength I was treated by Freud's psychoanalytical method, with great success. I had a very bad relapse, as my brother, who had just heard I was homosexual, came to visit me and threatened to have me put under guardians, if my father should die. It took me weeks to recover from the shock. We broke off all intercourse and though my brother has been several times in the same town where I have been, we remain strangers. At this time my father died suddenly. Last spring four suicides of friends in so many weeks had a very bad effect on my nerves. I am now in Berlin in better spirits, but the cramp continues badly at times.

"To this I must add that since my fourteenth year, independent of any illness, I have suffered mentally and physically from menstrual pains recurring every twenty-eight days and lasting from six to eight days. That these were the equivalent pains to a woman's menstruation periods I could get no doctor to admit till I was treated for a length of time by a German nerve specialist.

"The physical pains begin abruptly. Sudden congestions of blood in the brain and in the abdomen. Sudden perspirations, heat and cold. Great nervous pains in the small of the back, also in the nerve-centers of abdomen and stomach. Sharp, shooting pains in the breasts and especially the nipples. Sudden toothache which stops as suddenly. The skin becomes darker, sometimes mottled. I have the whole time a taste of blood in my mouth and often everything I eat tastes of blood. I have great difficulty at that time in eating meat. Physical longings for erotic adventure, counterbalanced by mental nausea at the bare idea.

"The mental symptoms are: sudden feeling of deep depression, suicidal tendencies, alternating with sudden inexplicable lightheartedness. Capriciousness and great dissatisfaction with myself and life generally. Horror at my own incompleteness of sex and sudden fits of hatred toward women and a great longing to be loved by men. This condition changes slowly back to the normal one. It takes several days for me to lose my physical weakness owing to it.

"Physically I was developed at 16 years of age. Mentally I was developed at a very early age, but I kept my inner life quite dark, always playing the innocent. Nobody at home believed me to know anything about life. They were at times very surprised when I fell out of the rôle I had planned for myself. Up till I was 17 years of age nothing to do with other people's morals was ever discussed before me. I looked so pure, and do now, that people are always careful in front of me. My father never discussed such things with me. From my earliest childhood I loved men dearly, though I was always at daggers drawn with my father and brother. I worshipped my mother then, as I do now. My sister and I did not at all get on as children, though we are the best of friends now. She and her husband as well as my mother have been kindness itself ever since they knew of my condition. Not till I was over 30 years did I meet a man I loved as well as my mother, and he is heterosexual. I must have loved my father and brother at first, but continual conflicts, incompatible temperaments and mutual misunderstandings and want of sympathy made life at home horrible. I must admit from my earliest childhood I had a certain contempt for my father and brother because I found them so materialistic. I had all my childhood rows with my brother. My father took his part, my mother mine. After I had recovered from my father's sudden death (my first words were after reading the letter: 'Thank God it isn't mother!') I felt a great relief, but it took a long time for me to grasp that I was really free.

"I have always liked women's society and, as a youth, I was very fond of gossip, which I by no means am now. I have many women friends, more than men friends. These women friends are all heterosexualexcept one. I very often like elderly women; I suppose I see mother in such women. A woman never could make me blush, but a man I admired could easily.

"I was 23 years of age when a married woman of good family asked me to come and spend the night with her. I went, and though she was beautifully built, cleanly, and though her garments and apartments were of the utmost good taste, I did not have any erection. On the other hand, I felt myself to be most unclean and bathed three times each of the following three days. Since then I have never tried to have sexual intercourse with women.

"In Copenhagen I tried to excite my feelings with every class of woman, in vain. I suppose it is that my nature is so like woman's that there can be no reaction. With men I am often very shy and nervous, tongue-tied, and my hands perspire. Never so with women.

"As a child I loved men and used to fall desperately in love with some who came to the house. I would, when no one was there, kiss their hats, or gloves, or even their sticks.

"I can remember, when I was about 6 years, how I fell in love with a very good-looking 26-year-old German. He had very curly hair and his hands were very beautiful. He was very fond of me and I used to call him 'my Boy.' When visiting us he often used to 'tuck me in' after the nurse had gone down. He always had sweets or something for me. I can remember how I used to fling my arms round his neck and cover his face with kisses. I would then draw his head down on my pillow and he would tell me fairy-tales and I would go off to sleep quite happy.

"At 7 years of age, while staying in the country, a very good-looking groom, about 25 years of age, misbehaved himself with me. I often used to visit him in the stables, as this man had a strange attraction for me. One day he tickled me. While doing so he produced my penis and also his own, which was in full erection. He tried in every way to excite my feelings, in vain. For him the occasion terminated in an ejaculation. He forbade me to tell anyone, and I did not do so, but tried to find out all I could on the subject, with little or no result. From that day I hated the groom and I felt a sort of guilt, as if I had 'lost something.' Not till I was 12 years did I understand.

"From my earliest childhood I had one ideal of a man. From that ideal I have never swerved. At the age of 30 I found a friend who, though quite heterosexual, has, without giving me any sexual intercourse, given me the love I have always needed. He has been for the last couple of years a second mother, father, sister, brother, and lover. Through him I have regained my health, my love of nature, and he has helped to deaden my hatred toward human nature and my bitterness.A better friend I never wish to find. It has made up for all the years of mental and physical suffering. One strange thing is that the feeling is mutual. He has had a tragic life, for his wife, whom he loved beyond everything, died under very sad circumstances. He says I am the best male friend he has ever had. While with him, much of the lower nature in me was stamped out. I shall always look upon him as the turning point in my life. I think he wrought some of his finest influence through his music. He played Beethoven and Wagner for me for a couple of hours every day for months, and thus opened up a new world to me.... He is six years older than I am.

"At 10 years of age we moved to Sweden, a country I hated from first to last. About this time I began to notice that there was something strange about myself. I felt myself an alien, and have done so ever since. An event of importance in my life was, I feel sure, when my father's sister tried to take away my mother's character. It was done in jealousy and spite, and my aunt had to beg my parents' pardon. Outwardly the affair was patched up; but I feel sure my father never really forgave his sister. Jews never forgive.

"This event awoke in me a great hatred toward women, and it was many years before I could at all control it.

"At the age of 14 I was much with a good-looking, musical American, a year older than myself. One day, while romping, very much the same thing occurred as with the groom. I still had no sexual feelings. We remained good friends. I often wished to kiss him. After the first time he would not allow it. He was very much liked among the officers and so-called high society men, and had always much money. About ten years later I heard he used to accept money after intimate intercourse with those society men.

"During my fifteenth year I had great longing for sexual intercourse with men. At this time the first signs of hair were to be seen on my abdomen.

"At the age of 16 a gardener, a married man with family, initiated me into mutual self-abuse. He lived in the back house of the apartment house we then inhabited. He was about 40 years of age, an ugly but muscularly developed man. These practices took place in the cellar, to which there were three entrances. I never allowed him to kiss me and the sight of his children always awoke in me a great feeling of nausea. That was the natural reaction of a bad conscience. For the man himself I had the utmost contempt. This man told me of several parks andpissoirswhere men met, and I went to these places now and again for erotic adventure.

"I must here relate that at the age of 16 my mother warned me against self-abuse. It had the opposite effect, made me curious, so Ibegan at once. I have continued ever since, at least once a day. (I have never had an involuntary emission in my whole life.) Between 17 and 22 it became necessary for me to do so several times a day. Working at art, painting, and above all music and beauty have a strong influence over me and set my erotic longings in violent motion. I have never found this do me any harm. Abstinence, on the other hand, has a very harmful effect on me, upsetting the whole nervous and physical system. I often find that there is a something very much wanting in self-abuse: the commingling of two human bodies who arementallyas well as physically in sympathy gives an electrical satisfaction which quiets the whole nervous system. That at least has been my experience.

"The gardener left and moved to the country. I then sometimes visitedpissoirsor, as they are often called, 'panoramas' (because they are round and one sees much there). What I saw in the parks during the long summer nights was quite a revelation. During the summer, when the husbands had sent their families in the country, many of them led a very indiscreet life. What I saw the first summer killed all the respect I had for elderly people. I had always connected marriage and gray hairs with virtue and morals; then I learnt otherwise. I must say I became about this time asensual pig. I knew how dangerous these places were on account of the police and blackmailers, but that gave the hunt a double zest. At this time I led a double life and was always watching and analyzing myself. I had to do with heaps of men of all classes. I was often offered money, but that I would on no condition accept. To pay or to be paid kills every sort of erotic feeling in me and always has done so. I once wished to experiment with myself. I was offered a small sum of money by a former schoolmaster. I accepted this just to see how it would affect me. The next moment I threw the money as far away as possible. Then I saw I had none of the prostitute nature in me. I was simply overwhelmed with sensuality. I considered I was a criminal and wished to see in how many ways my nature had the criminal instinct. I wanted to see if I could become a thief. I stole a silver button in a shop where antiquities were sold, but I went to the shop the same day again and returned the button, without the people knowing. I found I could not become a thief. Then the question came. Why had I felt a criminal since my seventh year? Was it my fault? If not, whose fault was it? Not till I studied Freud's psychoanalytical system did I get a clear insight into my own character.

"When I was 20 years of age I met a gentleman one night in a heavy snow-storm. We walked and talked and understood each other. He belonged to one of Sweden's first aristocratic families. He was extremely refined. He asked me to his rooms. We undressed and lay down. He had a very beautiful head and a still more beautiful body.I think that all my erotic feelings were numbed by looking at his beautiful body. To me anything sensual would have been sacrilege, I thought, and I can remember the feeling of awe which came over me. He was them 20 years of age, but his hair was quite white. First he did not understand, and then he was very gentle to me. I kept perfectly chaste for three whole months after the sight of his body. We saw each other often. Eight years later we met for the last time. He suffered much from melancholia. At that time I prevented him from committing suicide. This winter, however, he shot himself.

"At the age of 22 my sister introduced me to a charming, intelligent and refined, half-English, half-Swedish painter. We 'recognized' each other at once, though we had never seen each other before, and even knew each other's characters to the smallest traits. My parents liked him better than any friend I had ever had. My sister and he were from the first like sister and brother. The first evening in my home he and I kissed each other. The women were mad about him. Later I found many men were too. I was three weeks his senior. He had his own rooms. I have never felt any such wonderful harmony as when our naked bodies mingled. It was like floating in ether. With him it was the only time I had been active infellatio. We were much together, though not much physically, for he had many love affairs with women. What I loved was the way he would cut off all advances of men, I was his 'little brother' and so he calls me to this day. He is now married in America, and the father of a pretty little daughter. We are the best of friends to this day.

"The two years in Copenhagen were some of the happiest I have spent, though nearly the whole time I was in physical pain. In Austria I found, among the Tyrolese peasants, that the Englishmen, who come there in winter for sports and in the summer for mountain climbing, have demoralized the young male peasants with money. Homosexual intercourse is easy to get if you are willing to pay the price,—larger in season, less out of season.

"In Italy it is merely a question of money or passion, but everything in love there is quite transient.

"In Bavaria I found the love and peace 'which passeth all understanding.' This love and friendship without anything of a physically intimate nature brought me back from the 'deep black gulf' to which I was swiftly floating. When I met my friend I was nearly at the end of my tether. What his love and friendship has done for me, together with Freud's psychoanalytical system, nobody will ever know.

"Since being in Berlin, a town I like very much, a new life has opened for me, a life where one lives as one likes if one does not have to do with young boys. Here are homosexual baths, pensions, restaurants,and hotels, where you can go with one of your own sex at a certain fee per hour. Berlin is a revelation. But since being here I find the physical erotic side of my nature is little excited. I suppose it is the old story of 'forbidden fruit.'

"My parents kept a very hospitable home. The last two years in Sweden I was never at home. I hated society and knew much too much about the private histories of those who came to my home. They all belonged to the highest society. The highest society and the lowest are very much alike. Of course my parents knew nothing about these people. When I told my mother a great deal of private history of people who came to our house, she was thunderstruck and could at last understand my contempt for so-called good society. I have visited in later years only in artistic and theatrical circles; I consider that class of people more natural than the other class and much more kind-hearted.

"My life has quite another side, the mystic side. But that would be a much longer story than this. Suffice it to say, I am of a highly sensitive nature, gifted with second sight." [A detailed record of the subject's visions, premonitions of death of acquaintances, etc., has been furnished by him.]

"I tried on four occasions to commit suicide, but I now see there is nothing to be gained by doing so.

"Two years ago I told my parents about my sexual condition. It was a frightful blow to them. My father had the circumstances explained to him; he never understood the matter and never discussed it with me. Had I told him earlier I feel quite certain that, with his despotic nature, he would have put me in a madhouse. My mother and sister have treated me very kindly always. My brother has disowned me."

HISTORY XVI.—Irish, aged 36; knows of nothing unusual in his ancestry. His tastes are masculine in every respect. He is strong, healthy, and fond of exercises and sports. The sexual instincts are abnormally developed; he confesses to an, enormous appetite for almost everything,—food, drink, smoking, and all the good things of life.

At about the age of 14 he practised masturbation with other boys of the same age, and also had much pleasure in being in bed with an uncle with whom the same thing was practised. Later on he practised masturbation with every boy or man with whom he was on terms of intimacy; to have been in bed with anyone without anything of the sort taking place would have made sleep impossible, and rendered him utterly wretched. His erotic dreams at first were concerned with women, but more recently they are usually of young men, and very rarely of women. He is mostly indifferent to women, as also they have always been to him. Although good-looking, strong, and masculine, he has neverknown a woman to be in love with him. When about the age of 18 he imagined he was in love with a girl; and he had often, between the ages of 20 to 30, cohabited with prostitutes. He remembers on one occasion, many years ago, having connection with a woman seven or eight times in one night, and then having to masturbate at noon the next day. He is unmarried, and thinks it is unlikely that he ever will marry, but he adds that if a healthy, handsome, and intelligent woman fell in love with him he might change his mind, as it would be lonely to be old and alone, and he would like to have children.

He is never attracted to men older than himself, and prefers youths between the ages of 18 and 25. They may be of any class, but he does not like common people, and is not attached to uniforms or liveries. The requisite attractions are an intelligent eye, a voluptuous mouth, and "intelligent teeth." "If Alcibiades himself tried to woo me," he says, "and had bad teeth, his labor would be in vain." He has sometimes been the active participant inpedicatio, and has tried the passive rôle out of curiosity, but prefersfellatio.

He does not consider that he is doing anything wrong, and regards his acts as quite natural. His only regret is the absorbing nature of his passions, which obtrude themselves in season and out of season, seldom or never leaving him quiet, and sometimes making his life a hell. Yet he doubts whether he would change himself, even if he had the power.

HISTORY XVII.—Age 25; is employed in an ordinary workshop, and lives in the back alley of a large town in which he was born and bred. Fair, slight, and refined in appearance. The sexual organs are normal and well developed, and the sexual passions strong. His mother is a big masculine woman, and he is much attached to her. Father is slight and weakly. He has seven brothers and one sister. Homosexual desires began at an early age, though he does not seem to have come under any perverse influences. He is not inclined to masturbation. Erotic dreams are always of males. He declares he never cared for any woman except his mother, and that he could not endure to sleep with a woman.

He says he generally falls in love with a man at first sight—as a rule, some one older than himself and of higher class—and longs to sleep and be with him. In one case he fell in love with a man twice his own age, and would not rest until he had won his affection. He does not much care what form the sexual relation takes. He is sensitive and feminine by nature, gentle, and affectionate. He is neat and orderly in his habits, and fond of housework; helps his mother in washing, etc. He appears to think that male attachments are perfectly natural.

HISTORY XVIII.—Englishman, born in Paris; aged 26; an actor. He belongs to an old English family; his father, so far as he is aware, had no homosexual inclinations, nor had any of his ancestors on thepaternal side; but he believes that his mother's family, and especially a maternal uncle who had a strong feeling for beauty of form, were more akin to him in this respect.

His earliest recollections show an attraction for males. At children's parties he incurred his father's anger by kissing other small boys, and his feelings grew in intensity with years. He has never practised self-abuse, and seldom had erotic dreams; when they do occur they are about males.

His physical feeling for women is one of absolute indifference. He admires beautiful women in the same way as one admires beautiful scenery. At the same time he likes to talk with clever women, and has formed many friendships with frank, pure, and cultivated English girls, for whom he has the utmost admiration and respect. Marriage is impossible, because physical pleasure with women is impossible; he has tried, but cannot obtain, the slightest sexual feeling or excitement.

He especially admires youths (though they must not be immature) from 16 or 17 to about 25. The type which physically appeals to him most, and to which he appeals, is fair, smooth-skinned, gentle, rather girlish and effeminate, with the effeminacy of theingénue, not thecocotte. His favorite to attract him must be submissive and womanly; he likes to be the man and the master. On this point he adds: "The great passion of my life is an exception, and stands on an utterly different level. It realizes an ideal of marriage in which neither is master, but both share a joint empire, and in which tyranny would be equally painful to both. But this friendship and love is for an equal, a year younger than myself, and does not preclude other and less creditableliaisons, physicalconstancy being impossible to men of our caliber."

Pedicatiois the satisfaction he prefers, provided he takes the active, never the passive, rôle. He is handsome, with broad shoulders, good figure, and somewhat classic type of face, with fine blue eyes. He likes boating and skating, though not cricket or football, and is usually ready for fun, but has, at the same time, a taste for reading.

He has no moral feelings on these matters; he regards them as outside ethics, mere matters of temperament and social feeling. If England were underpopulated he thinks he might possibly feel some slight pangs of remorse; but, as things are, he feels that in prostituting males rather than females he is doing a meritorious action.

HISTORY XIX.—T. N. His history is given in his own words.

"From the time of my earliest imaginings I have always been attached by strength in men and often thought about being carried off by big warriors and living with them in caves and elsewhere. When about 7 a young man used to show me his penis and handle mine occasionally. At private boarding school masturbation was fairly frequentand I suppose I was initiated about 12 or 13. After leaving I occasionally indulged, but nothing happened until I was about 20, except that I was often attracted by strong, well-built young men of good character; a man who was not honest and good-hearted had no attraction. At 20 I was much attached to a young man of my own age. He was engaged. This did not prevent him on one occasion endeavoring playfully and with his brother to obtain access to my person. I successfully resisted, although ifheonly had been present I should not have done so, but welcomed the attempt, and I have often regretted I did not let him know this. But I had a dim idea that my penis was somewhat undeveloped and this made me shy. Circumstances separated us. About two years later I was crossing the Channel when I engaged in conversation with a man about eight years older, who was one of our travelling party. I think the attraction was a case of love at sight, certainly on my side. A few nights later he had so arranged that we shared a bedroom, and he very soon came over to me and tenderly handled my person. I reciprocated and I look back all these years to that night with pleasure and no feeling of shame. On one occasion, about this time, I happened to be sleeping with another young fellow (an office mate) on a holiday, when I awoke and found him handling my penis caressingly. I gently removed his hand and turned over. I thought none the less of him, but my body seemed to belong only to myself and the friend I loved. He was not an urning, I am sure, but we Were often together and I much entered into his interests and felt infinite satisfaction with life, made good progress and many friends. Our physical intimacy was repeated, he taking the active part in intercrural contact. Then he married very happily. Our friendship remains, but circumstances prevent our often meeting, and there is no longer desire on either part.

"For some years I was rather lonely in spite of friends. I was somewhat attracted to another man, but his superior social position was a defect to me. Then when about 28 I came in contact with a young man of 24, of the artisan class, but superior in ideals and intelligence to most men. I loved him at first glance and to this day. At first it was just friendship, but soon his form, voice, and thoughts entered into my very soul by day and night. I longed always to be near him, to see him progress and help him if I could. I would joyfully have given up home, friends, and income, and followed him to the end of the world, preferably an island where we two might at least be the only white men. He seemed to embody all I longed for in the way of knowledge of nature, of strength, of practical ability, and the desire to imitate him in these things widened and strengthened my character. The first time I slept with him I could only summon courage to put my arm over his chest,but I could not sleep for unsatisfied desire, and the unrelieved erection caused a dull pain on the morrow. I had always disliked conversation that might be regarded as bordering on the obscene, and consequently was very ignorant on most matters; it pained me even to hear him laugh at such remarks. I think if he had been intimate with me I should have not conversed much on such topics, but now I felt pleasure in such things with him as they expressed intimacy. I dreamed about him and was never really happy in his absence; the greatest joy would have been to have slept in his arms; the hairiness of his legs and arms were also most fascinating. Perhaps a year later, we were again at night together, and this time I by degrees felt his private organs, but he was cold and I felt a little unsatisfied. I wanted to be hugged. This happened once more, and then on a later occasion,—not that it afforded me much gratification, but because I wanted to stimulate him to ardor,—I attempted masturbation. This aroused his disgust and I was consequently dismayed. He told me I ought to marry and, although I knew his love was all I wanted, I did not feel but what I could make a woman happy. The constant unrelieved erections which took place when I saw my friend adopt a graceful attitude caused pain at the bottom of my back, and I consulted two specialists, who also advised marriage. I did not tell them I was an 'invert,' for I hardly knew it was a recognized thing, but I did tell them something of what had taken place, and they made next to no comment, but implied it was frequent. My friend now felt repulsion toward me, but did not express himself, and as other circumstances then caused a barrier between us to a certain extent, I did not realize the true reason of his coldness. But I felt utterly miserable. When I met a noble woman whom I had long known I asked her to be my wife and she consented. Although I told her very soon, and long before our marriage, of my limitations as a husband and of my continued longing for my friend, I feel now I did a great wrong, and I cannot understand why I was not more conscious of this at the time; that I was to a certain extent deceiving her relations was inevitable. I had expected to devote my life in making her happy, but I soon found that the true reason of my friend's apparent unfaithfulness was my own action, combined with a feeling on his part that it was as well that our affection should cease even at the cost of misunderstanding. Since then, three years ago, I have not had a happy day or night, and am therefore quite unable to promote happiness in others. Without my friend, I can find no satisfaction with wife, child, or home. Life has become almost unbearable. Often I have seriously thought of committing suicide, only to postpone it to a time which would be less cruelly inopportune to others. I see my friend (now married) almost daily, and suffer tortures at seeing others nearer to him than myself. Noexplanation seems possible, as the whole idea of inversion is so repugnant to him, and being an honorable man he would feel marital ties precludeanywarmth of affection. But all the longing of my life seems to be culminating in a driving force which will carry me to the male prostitute or to death. I can concentrate my mind on nothing else, and consequently have become inefficient in work and have no heart for play. I know if my longings could be occasionally satisfied I should immediately recover, but my fear is that if I killed myself those who knew me in happier days would only be confirmed in the impression of my degeneracy and would feel my instincts had caused it, whereas it is the denial and starvation of them which would have brought about the result. I know now by experience of self and others that my disposition is congenital and that I have been rendered unhappy myself and a cause of unhappiness to others by the too late knowledge of myself. The example of my former friend who married misled me to think I toocouldmarry and make a happy home; so that when the man I loved advised me I resolved to do so, as I would have done almost anything elsehesuggested. If I could have withdrawn from the engagement without embarrassment to the devoted woman who became my wife I would have done so, if she gave me the opportunity. Nothing in my married state has brought me pleasure and I often wish my wife would cease to love me so that we might separate. But she would be heart-broken at the suggestion and I feel driven to attempt to relieve my feelings even in a way that has previously seemed repulsive to me,—I mean by use of money.

"About my feelings toward my child there is not much to say, as they are not very strong. I believe I carry him and help bathe and attend to him as much as most fathers, and when he is a few years older I hope I may find him very companionable. But he has brought me no real joy, though I see other men look at him almost with affection. But he has brought added happiness to his mother."

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