[B]See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."
[B]See "Susan Clegg and her Neighbors' Affairs."
"With a—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, aghast.
"She says she ain't absolutely positive, but they was a-chasin' a June bug in their room together, an' she heard the smash an' the next mornin' when she went in tomake Hiram's side of the bed after Lucy (she says Lucy is a most sing'lar bed-maker) she see the nick on the brush, an' she says when she see the nick an' remembered how hollow it rung, she knew as it could n't possibly have been nothin' in that room except Hiram's head. She says if Lucy's begun on Hiram with a hairbrush now, Heaven only knows what she'll be after him with in a year, for Gran'ma Mullins' own husband went from a cake of soap to a whole cheese in a fortnight an' she says it's a well-known fact as when a married man is once set a-goin' he lands things faster an' faster. She says she thinks about the andirons there, ready to Lucy's hand, until she's scared white, an' yet she's afraid to take 'em for fear it'd attract her to the water pitcher."
"Did Mr.—" began Mrs. Lathrop, hurriedly, after several attempts to slide a question-quoit in among Susan's game of words.
"Oh, he did n't throw 'em at her. Icould n't understand what he did do with them an' so I asked, but it seems it was just as awful for he grated the whole cake o' that soap on her front teeth to teach her not to never refer to the deacon again, an' he dropped the cheese square on her head when he was up on a step-ladder an' she was in a little cupboard underneath leanin' over for a plate, an' then he tried to make out as it was an accident. She says it was n't no accident though. She says a woman as gets a cheese on the back of her head from a husband as is on a step-ladder over her, ain't to be fooled with no accident story; she says that cheese like to of hurt her for life an' was the greatest of the consolations she had when he died. She says she never will forget it as long as she's alive an' he's dead, no sir, so help her heaven she won't; she says when the cemetery committee come to her an' want her to subscribe for keepin' him trimmed with a lawn mower an' a little flag on Decoration Day, she always thinks of that cheesean' says no, thank you, they can just mow him regularly right along with the rest.
"But oh, she says it's awful bitter an' cold to see Hiram settin' out along that stony, bony, thorny road, as she's learned every pin in from first to last. She says if Lucy 'd only be a little patient with him, but no, to bed he must go feelin' as bright as a button, an' in the mornin', oh my, but she says it's heartrendin' to hear him wake up, for Lucy washes his face so sudden with cold water that he gives one howl before he remembers he's married, an' five minutes after she hangs every last one of the bedclothes square out of the window.
"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, it was a pretty sad tale first an' last, an' Gran'ma Mullins says Hiram is as meek as a sheep being led to its halter, but she says she can't feel as meekness pays women much. She says she was meek an' Hiram's meek, an' she did n't get no reward but soap an' that cheese, an' all Hiram's got so faris the hairbrush, an' the water pitcher loomin'.
"I told her my own feelin's was as marriage was n't enough took into consideration nowadays, an' that it was too easy at the start, an' too hard at the finish. You know yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, as there ain't a mite o' doubt but what if the honeymoon come just afore the funeral there'd be a deal more sincere mournin' than there is as it is now, an' tomyorder of thinkin', if the grandchildren come afore the children, folks would raise their families wiser. I told Gran'ma Mullins just that very thing but it did n't seem to give her much comfort. She give a little yell an' said oh, Heaven preserve her from havin' to sit by an' watch Lucy Dill raise Hiram's children, for she was sure as she'd never be able to give 'em enough pie on the sly to keep 'em happy an' any one with half an eye could see they'd be washed an' brushed half to death. She says Lucywon't wash a dish without rinsin' it afterwards or sweep a room without carryin' all the furniture out into the yard; oh my, she says her ways is most awful an' I expect that, to Gran'ma Mullins, they are.
"I cheered her all I could. I told her she'd better make the best o' things now, 'cause o' course as Lucy got older Hiram'd make her madder an' madder, an' they'll all soon be lookin' back to this happy first year as their one glimpse of paradise. I did n't tell her what Lucy told me o' course, 'cause she'd go an' tell Hiram, an' Hiram must love Lucy or he'd never stand being hit for a June bug or woke with a wash-cloth. But I did kind of wonder how long it would last. If I was Lucy it would n't last long, I knowthat. If I'd ever married a man I don't know how long he'd of stood it or how long I'd of stood him, but I know one thing, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I know that from my heels to my hairpins—an' I said it to Elijah last night, an' I'm goin' to say it to you now—an' that is that if I could n'tof stood him I would n't of stood him, for this is the age when women as read the papers don't stand nothin' they don't want to—an' I would n't neither."
"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, you ain't me," said Miss Clegg, "you ain't me an' you ain't Elijah neither. I talk very kind to Elijah, but there's no livin' in the house with any man as supposes livin' in the house with any other woman is goin' to be pleasanter than livin' in the house with the woman as he's then an' there livin' in the house with. The main thing in life is to keep men down to a low opinion of every woman's cookin' but yours an' keep yourself down to a low opinion of the man. You don't want to marry him then an' he don't want to live with any one else. An' to my order of thinkin' that's about the only way that a woman can take any comfort with a man in the house."
SUSAN CLEGG'S FULL DAY
"Well," said Miss Clegg, with strong emphasis, as she mounted Mrs. Lathrop's steps, "I don't know, I'm sure, what I've come over here for this night, for I never felt more like goin' right straight off to bed in all my life before." Then she sat down on the top step and sighed heavily.
"It's been a full day," she went on presently; "an' I can't deny as I was nothin' but glad to remember as Elijah was n't comin' home to supper, for as a consequence I sha'n't have it to get. A woman as has had a day like mine to-day don't want no supper anyhow, an' it stands to reason as if I don't feel lively in the first place, I ain't goin' to be madeany more so by comin' to see you, for I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, that seein' you always makes me wonder more'n ever why I come to see you so often when I might just as well stay home an' go to bed. If I was in my bed this blessed minute I'd be very comfortable, which I'm very far from bein' here with this mosquito aimin' just over my slap each time; an' then, too, I'd be alone, an' no matter how hard I may try to make myself look upon bein' with you as the same thing as bein' alone, it is n't the same thing an' you can't in conscience denythat, no matter how hard you may sit without movin'."
Mrs. Lathrop made no reply to this frank comment on her liveliness, and after a short pause, Miss Clegg sighed heavily a second time, and continued:
"It's been a full day, a awful full day. In the first place the rooster was woke by accident last night an' he up an' woke me. He must of woke me about three o'clock as near as I can figure it out now, but Isupposed when I was woke as of course it was five so I got right up an' went in an' woke Elijah. Elijah told me last week as he did n't believe he'd ever seen the sun rise an' I was just enough out of sorts to think as to-day would be a good time for him to begin to turn over a new leaf as far as the sunrise was concerned. I must say he was n't very spry about the leaf, for all he did was to turn himself over at first, but I opened his window an' banged the blinds three or four times an' in the end he got woke up without really knowin' just what had woke him. We had breakfast with a candle, an' then Elijah was so tired lookin' out for the sunrise that he looked in at his watch an' see as it was only quarter to four then. He was real put out at that at first 'cause he wrote till half past two last night, an' in the end he went back to bed an' it certainly was a relief to see the last of him, for I may in confidence remark as I never see him look quite so stupid afore. After he was gone back tobed I washed up the breakfast dishes an' then I went out in the wood shed in the dark an' there I got another surprise, for I thought I'd look over the rags I was savin' for the next rag rug an' when I poured 'em out in my lap, what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, whatdoyou think poured out along with 'em?—Why, a nest of young mice an' two old ones!
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe imagine my feelin's at four in the mornin' with Elijah gone back to bed an' my own lap full of mice, but whatever I yelled did n't disturb him any an' I just made two jumps for the lamp in the kitchen, leavin' the mice wherever they hit to rearrange their family to suit themselves. Well, the second jump must needs land me right square on top of the cistern lid, an' it up an' went in, takin' my left leg along with it as far as it would go. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, talk of girls as can open an' shut, like scissors, in a circus—I was scissored to that degree that for a little I could n'tthink which would be wisest, to try an' get myself together again in the kitchen or to just give up altogether in the cistern. In the end I hauled the leg as had gone in out again, an' then I see where all the trouble come from, for the cistern lid was caught to my garter an' what I'd thought was a real injury was only it swingin' around an' around my leg. I put the lid back on the cistern an' felt to sit with my legs crossed for quite a while, thinkin' pleasant thoughts of the rooster as woke me, an' by that time it was half past four, an' I could hear all the other chickens stirrin' so I got up an' began to stir again myself. I opened the front door an' looked out an' that did n't bring me no good luck either, for as I looked out a bat flew in an' just as the bat flew in he managed to hook himself right in my hair. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I tell you Iwasmad then. I don't know as I ever was madder than I was then. I was so mad that I can't tell you how mad I was. The bat held on bydiggin' in like he thought I wanted to get him off, an' I pulled at him so hard that I can't in conscience be surprised much over his takin' that view of it. Well, in the end I had to take all my hairpins out first an' then sort of skin him out of my hair lengthways, which, whatever you may think about it, Mrs. Lathrop, is far from bein' funny along afore dawn on a day as you 've begun at three thinkin' as it was five."
"Susan!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop; "don't—"
"No, I'll have some when I get home. I like mine better than yours anyway. Now you've made me forget where I was in my story."
"You—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh yes, I remember now. Well, I was too put out at first to notice what the bat did after I got him out o' my head, but when I went upstairs I found him circlin' everywhere in a way as took every bit of home feelin' out of the house an' Ijust saw that I'd have no peace till I could be alone with Elijah again. So I got up an' got a broom an' went a battin' for all I was worth. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but for one solid hour I run freely an' gayly up an' down an' over an' under my own house after that bat. I never see nothin' like that bat before or behind. He just sort of sailed here an' there an' everywhere, an' wherever he sailed smoothly an' easily there was me runnin' after him with the broom, whackin' at him every chance I got. We was upstairs, we was downstairs, we was in the wood shed an' out of the wood shed, we was under the kitchen table, we was over father's picture on the mantel—we was everywhere, me an' that bat. Then all of a sudden he disappeared completely an' I sit down in the rockin'-chair to puff an' rest. Elijah slept till most eight an' I was so tired I let him sleep although I never was one to approve of any man's sleepin', but before he wokesomething worse than a bat come down on me, an' that was Mrs. Sweet's cousin, Jerusha Dodd. You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop, an' so do I, an' so does everybody an' as far as my observation 's extended bats is wise men bringin' their gifts from afar to visit you compared to Jerusha Dodd when she arrives in the early mornin'. I would n't never have gone to the door only she stepped up on the drain-pipe first an' looked in an' saw me there in the rockin'-chair afore she knocked. I tell you I was good an' mad when I see her an' see as she see me an' I made no bones of it when I opened the door. I says to her frank an' open—I says, 'Good gracious, Jerusha, I hope you ain't lookin' to see me pleased at seein' as it's you.' But laws, you could n't smash Jerusha Dodd not if you was a elephant an' she was his sat-down-upon fly, so I had her sittin' in the kitchen an' sighin' in less'n no time. She was full of her woes an' the country's woes as usual. Congresswas goin' to ruin us next year sure, an' she had a hole in her back fence anyway; she did n't approve of Mr. Rockefeller's prices on oil, an' there was a skunk in her cellar, an' she said she could n't seem to learn to enjoy livin' the simple life as she'd had to live it since her father died, atall. She said that accordin' to her views life for single women nowadays was too simple an' she said she really only lacked bein' buried to be dead. She says as all a simple life is, is havin' no rights except them as your neighbors don't want. She says for her part she's been more took into the heart of creation than she's ever cared about. I do hate to have to listen to the way she goes on an' no one can say as I ever was one to encourage her in them views. I don't think it's right to encourage no one in their own views 'cause their views is never mine an' mine is always the right ones. This mornin' I stood it as long as I could from Jerusha an' then I just let out at her an' I says to her, I says,'Jerusha Dodd, you really are a fool an' Heaven help them as ever makes more of a fool of you, by tellin' you as you ain't.' You know Jerusha Dodd, Mrs. Lathrop; she began to cry hard an' rock harder right off, said she knowed she was a fool, but it was nature's fault an' not hers for she was born so an' could n't seem to get the better of it. I told her my view of the matter would be for her to stay home an' patch up that hole in her fence an' pull up some o' that choice garden full of weeds as she's growin', an' brush the dust off the crown of her bonnet, an' do a few other of them wholesome little trifles as is a good deal nearer the most of us than Mr. Rockefeller an' what congress in its infinite wisdom is goin' to see fit to deal out in the daily papers next year.
"But she only kept on cryin' an' rockin' an' finally I got so tired listenin' to her creak an' sob that I went out an' had a real bright idea. I got the little sink scratcher an' tied a wet piece of rag to thehandle an' went around behind her an' hung it suddenly in her back hair. She put up her hand an' felt it, an' give a yell that woke Elijah. You know how Jerusha Dodd acts when she's upset! She spun around so the sink scratcher fell right out but she did n't have sense enough left in her to know it. She yelled, 'What was it? what was it?' an' I yelled, 'It was a bat, it was a bat;' an' at that I see the last of Jerusha Dodd, for she was out of my kitchen an' out of my sight afore Elijah could get to the top of the stairs to begin yellin', 'What was it? what was it?' on his own hook. I had to tell him all about it then an' he wanted it for a item right off. He said he'd have a dash for Jerusha an' a star for me, an' the idea took him like most of his ideas do, an' he laughed till he coughed the coffee as I'd saved for him all the wrong way, an' dropped a soft boiled egg as I'd boiled for him into the water pitcher, an', oh my, I thought misfortunes never would come to a end oreven to a turnin'. But after he'd fished out the egg an' eat it, he went off down to his uncle's an' he was n't more'n gone when in come Mrs. Sweet to see if Jerusha left her breastpin, 'cause in her quick breathin' it had fallen somewhere an' Jerusha was havin' hysterics over losin' that now. While I was talkin' to Mrs. Sweet at the gate I smelt somethin' burnin' an' there my whole bakin' of bread was burnt up in the oven owin' to Jerusha Dodd's breathin' her breastpin out over a bat. I felt to be some tempered then, an' Mrs. Sweet saw it an' turned around an' left me, an' after she was gone I went into the house an' pulled down the shades an' locked the door an' went to sleep. I slept till Elijah come home to dinner an' of course there was n't no dinner ready an' that put Elijah out. Elijah's got a good deal of a temper, I find, an' the only thing in the world to do with a man in a temper, when he is in a temper, is to make him so mad that he goes right off in a huff an'leaves you to peace again. So I just made one or two remarks about my opinion of things as he feels very strong about, an' he said he guessed he'd get supper down town an' sleep at the store to-night. So he took himself off an' he was hardly out of the way when Mrs. Macy come to tell me about Judy Lupey's divorce."
"Is—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"Not yet, but she soon will be," said Miss Clegg. "Mrs. Macy's just back from Meadville an' she says all Meadville is churned up over it. They ain't never had a divorce there afore, an' every one is so interested to know just how to do it, an' I will say this much for Mrs. Macy, an' that is that she was nothin' but glad to tell me all about it. Seems as the Lupeys is most awful upset over it though an' Mrs. Kitts says she ain't sure as she won't change her will sooner than leave money to a woman with two husbands."
"Two—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"Mrs. Macy says," continued Susan,"as Mrs. Lupey ain't much better pleased than Mrs. Kitts over it all, an', although she did n't say it in so many words, she hinted pretty plain as it seemed hard as the only one of the girls to get married should be the same one as is gettin' divorced. Mrs. Macy said she see her point of view, but to her order of thinkin' the world don't begin to be where old maids need consider divorces yet awhile. She says she stayed in the house with 'em all three days an' she says she cheered Mrs. Lupey all she could; she says she told her to her best ear as no one but a mother would ever have dreamed of dreamin' of Faith or Maria's ever marryin' under any circumstances. She said Mrs. Lupey said it was the quickness of Judy's gettin' tired of Mr. Drake as had frightened her most. Why, she says as before the first baby was through teethin' in her day, Judy was all up an' through an' completely done with Mr. Drake. All done with him an' home again, an' the family not even countin' to consider.
"Mrs. Macy says as she's learned a awful lot about divorce as she did n't know before. She said she could n't help being surprised over how much a divorce is like a marriage, for Busby Bell was there every night an' Judy an' the whole family is hard at work gettin' her clothes ready. But Mrs. Macy says them as suppose the real gettin' of the divorce itself is simple had ought to go an' stay at the Lupeys awhile. Why, she says the way the Lupeys is complicated an' tied up by Judy an' Mr. Drake is somethin' beyond all belief. To begin with, Judy decided to be deserted because she thought it'd really be the simplest an' easiest in the end an' she hated to bother with bein' black an' blue for witnesses an' all that kind of business. But it seems being deserted, when you live in the same town with a husband who rides a bicycle an' don't care where he meets you, is just enough to drive a woman nigh to madness itself. Why, Mrs. Macy says that Judy Lupey actually can't go out to walk atall,not 'nless Faith walk a block ahead of her an' Maria a block behind, an' even then Mr. Drake's liable to come coastin' down on 'em any minute. She says it's awful tryin', an' Judy gets so mad over it all that it just seems as if they couldnotstand it.
"But that ain't the only trouble neither, Mrs. Macy says. Seems Judy got Solomon Drake for her lawyer 'cause he knowed the whole story, through eatin' dinner at the Drakes every Sunday while they was stayin' married. She thought havin' Solomon Drake would save such a lot of explainin' 'cause Mr. Drake is so hard to explain to any one as has just seen him ridin' his bicycle an' not really been his wife. Well, seems as Judy never calculated on Solomon's keepin' right on takin' Sunday dinner with Mr. Drake, after he became her lawyer, but he does, an' none of the Lupeys think it looks well, an' Judy finds it most tryin' because all she an' Solomon talk over about the divorce he tells Mr. Drake on Sunday out of gratitude for his dinner an' becauseit's a subject as seems to really interest Mr. Drake. Seems Mr. Drake is a hard man to interest. Judy says he was yawnin' afore they got to the station on their honeymoon.
"But Mrs. Macy says that ain't all, neither, whatever you may think, for she says what do you think of Mr. Drake's goin' an' gettin' Busby Bell of all the men in Meadville forhislawyer, when the whole town knows as it's Busby as Judy's goin' to marry next. Mrs. Lupey says as Judy would have took Busby for her own lawyer only they was so afraid of hurtin' each other's reputations, an' now really it's terrible, 'cause Busby says as he don't well see what's to be done about their reputations if the worst comes to the worst, for he's explained as very likely Judy's goin' to need one more man than a husband to get her her divorce. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey says as Busby said as if he had n't been Mr. Drake's lawyer he'd have been more than ready to be the other man, butas Mr. Drake's lawyer he can't help Judy no more'n if he was Mr. Drake himself. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Lupey cried, an' she told her as she knowed as there was any number of quiet elderly men as any one could depend on right here in our own community as'd be nothin' but glad to go over to Meadville an' help anyway they could, but Mrs. Lupey asked Judy about it, an' Judy asked Busby, an' Busby said men as you could depend on anywhere was n't no use in divorce suits atall. It's quite another kind, it seems. Mrs. Macy says she's really very sorry for them all, for it really seems awful to think how the Lupeys need a man an' the only man they've got Judy's busy gettin' rid of as hard as she can.
"Mrs. Macy says it's all most upsettin'. She says she never lived through nothin' like it afore. Judy's cross 'cause she can't go out an' meet Busby without runnin' the risk of meetin' Mr. Drake an' losin' all the time she's put in so far bein' deserted.An' then there's a many things as a outsider never would know about or even guess at unless they've lived right in the house with a real live divorce. Mrs. Macy says as Martha Hack, as does the washin' for 'em all, is forever forgettin' an' sendin' Judy's wash home with Mr. Drake's just as if they was still completely married. That would n't be so bad only Mr. Drake waits for Solomon to get 'em Sunday, an' Solomon's kind-hearted an' gives 'em to Busby so as to give him a excuse to make two calls in one day. Well, Mrs. Macy says the come out of it all is as when Judy wants to take a bath just about all Meadville has to turn out to see where under heaven her clean clothes is.
"I tell you, Mrs. Lathrop, tellin' it all to you does n't matter so much, but to hear Mrs. Macy tell it makes you wonder if it's worth while to try an' leave a man as you can't live with. Seems to me it'd be easier to live with him. Mrs. Macy says as she met Mr. Drake several timesherself on his bicycle an' he looked most bloomin'. No one need be sorry for him, an' not many is sorry for Judy. But Mrs. Macy says there's only one person as all Meadville's sorry for, an' that's Busby Bell."
Mrs. Lathrop started to speak.
"Yes," Susan went on hurriedly. "Elijah said just that same thing the other day when he was talkin' about the Marlboroughs. He thinks as divorces is all a mistake, but then you're a widow an' Elijah ain't married so you're both pretty safe in airin' your views."
Susan rose just here and descended the steps. "I must go," she said, "I don't seem to take no particular interest in what you might be goin' to tell me, Mrs. Lathrop, even if there was any chance of your ever gettin' around to tellin' it, an' I've told you all I know, an' I'm very tired talkin'. As I said before, it's been a full day an' I'm pretty well beat out. I forgot to tell you as after Mrs. Macy was gone I found as it was n't the bread I smelt inthe oven—it was the bat. I suppose when I see Mr. Kimball he'll make one of his jokes over bread-dough an' bats an' batter, but I'll be too wore out to care. Did I say as Elijah said he'd sleep at the store to-night?"
"Will—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, all of a sudden.
"Why, of course," said Susan, "it did n't hurt either loaf a mite. I'd be as much of a fool as Jerusha Dodd if I let a little thing like a bat spoil a whole bakin' of bread for me, Mrs. Lathrop. As for Elijah, he did n't know nothin' about it an' I sha'n't tell him, you may be sure, for he's the one as eats all the bread—I never touch it myself, as you well know."
THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN
"I'm a good deal worried over Elijah," Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop, one day when the new paper was about three weeks old, and when the town had begun to take both it and its editor with reasonable calm; "he does have so many ideas. Some of his ideas are all right as far as I can see, but he has 'em so thick an' fast that it worries me more'n a little. It ain't natural to have new ideas all the time an' no one in this community ever does it. He's forever tellin' me of some new way he's thought of for branchin' out somewhere an' his branches make me more'n a little nervous. The old ways is good enough for us an' I try to hold him down to that idea, but first he wants me to geta new kind of flatirons as takes off while you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix the paper all over new.
"I brought over somethin' as he wrote last night to read you, an' show you how curious his brains do mix up things. He brought it down this mornin' an' read it to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to read to you. I was goin' to bring it to you anyway, but then he said as I could too, so it's all right either way. It's some of his new ideas an' he said he'd be nothin' but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause he says the more he lives with me the more respect he's got for your hearin' an' judgment. He asked me what I thought of it first, an' I told him frank an' open as I did n't know what under the sun to think of it. I meant that, too, for I certainly never heard nothin' like it in my life afore, so he said we could both read it to-day an' I could tell him what we thought to-night, when he come home.
"Wh—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real interest.
"Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's time to begin to show us how up-to-date he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence he's openin' up what he calls the field of the future. He says he's goin' to have a editorial this week on beginnin' from now on to make every issue of theMegaphonejust twice as good as the one afore. I told him if he really meant what he said it could n't possibly be worth no dollar a year now, but he said wait an' see an' time would tell an' virtue be her own reward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements with a woman in the city for a beauty column, an' arrangements with some other woman as is a practical preserver, an' have a piece each time on how to be your own dressmaker once you get cut out; I thought that these things was about enough for one paper, but oh my! he went on with a string more, as long as your arm. He's goin' to begin to have aadvice column too, right off, an' that's this I've brought over to read you; he says lots of folks want advice an' don't want to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' they can all write him an' get their answers on anythin' in the wide world when the paper comes out Saturday. I could n't but open my eyes a little at that, for I know a many as need advice as I should n't consider Elijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's a man an' in consequence don't know anythin' about how little he does know, so I did n't say nothin' more on that subject. He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin' to show big city papers what genius can do single-handed with a second-hand printin' press, an' he talked an' talked till I really had to tell him that if he did n't want his breakfast he'd have to go back to bed or else down town."
"Is the—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, this is it. He done it last night an' he give it to me this mornin' to read to you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column'an' he's goin' to head it 'Come to My Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause of course if he signed it himself he'd be liable for breach of promise from any girl as read the headin' an' chose to think he meant her."
"But who—?" began Mrs. Lathrop.
"Why, nobody the first week, of course. He had to make 'em up himself—an' the answers too, an' that's what makes it all seem so silly to me. But he did work over it,—he says no one knows the work of gettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm in a small town like this, an' he says he'd ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns, he thinks, for even thinkin' of gettin' a advice column started when most of his energies is still got to go tryin' to get our fund for the famine big enough to make it pay to register the letter when the cheque goes. He says the trouble with the fund is no one has no relations there an' a good many thought as it was mostly Chinamen as is starvin' anyhow. Elijah says theworld is most dreadful hard-hearted about Chinamen—they don't seem to consider them as of any use atall. He says it's mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin' here anyhow, Lord knows—for he says that San Francisco fund an' what become of it has certainly been a pill an' no mistake. The nearest he come to that was gettin' a letter as Phœbe White wrote the deacon about how the government relief train run right through the town she's in, but Elijah says after all his efforts he has n't swelled the famine fund thirty-five cents this week. He says Clightville has give nine dollars an' Meadville has give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a mattress, if anybody wants it C. O. D., an' here we are stuck hard at six dollars an' a quarter an' two pennies as the minister's twins brought just after they choked on them licorish marbles."
"Did—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; in regard togivin' to funds I've learned a very good trick from Rockefeller an' Carnegie in the papers; they come to me about that San Francisco one an' I said right out frank an' open that if the town would give five hundred dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up every one's mouth an' set every one to thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an' as a matter of fact I did n't give nothin' atall."
"But about—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes," said Susan, opening the paper which she had in her hand, "I was just thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you right off now an' you see if you don't think about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's made some pretty close cuts at people, only of course every one will guess as he must of made 'em up 'cause they don't really fit to no one. Still, it's a risky business an' I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my house an' I know lots of folks as is mean enough to say that these things was like enough said to him by me—a view as isfar from likely to make my friends any more friendly."
"Do—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, I'm goin' to." Then Miss Clegg drew a long breath and re-began thus:
"Well, now, the first is, 'How can you put pickles up so they'll keep the year 'round?'" She paused there and looked expectantly at the placid Mrs. Lathrop as if she was asking a riddle or conducting an examination for the benefit of her friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned and was looking the other way so it was only when the length of the pause brought her to herself with a violent start, that she answered:
"My heavens ali—"
"The answer is," said Susan promptly, "'Put 'em up so high that nobody can reach them.'"
Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes.
"I don't—" she protested.
"No, I did n't think as it was very sensible myself," responded Susan, "butdo you know, Elijah laughed out loud over it. That's what's funny about Elijah to my order of thinkin'—he's so amused at himself. He thinks that's one of the best things he's done as a editor, he says, an' I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it any more than you can. An' you don't see nothin' funny in it, do you?"
"No," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I—"
"Nor me neither," said Susan, "an' now the next one is sillier yet, to my order of thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear Aunt Abby;' then it says, 'Do you think it is possible to be happy with a young man with freckles? My husband says Yes, but my mother says No. He's my husband's son by his first wife. I have twins myself. I want the boy sent to a home of some sort. What do you think? Yours affectionately—Ada.'"
"What under the—" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.
"Just what I said," said Susan. "I could n't make head or tail out of it myselfan' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White mad 'cause Polly's his second wife—yes, an' the minister's got two wives, too. I tried to make Elijah see that but he just said to read the answer."
"What is—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin' as the question, I think. The answer says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get the twin habit he'll prove invaluable.'"
"Well, I—" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgustedly.
"I told Elijah that myself. I said that the minister was bound to feel hurt over the second wife part, but with twins in the answer he's sure to feel it means him an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the paper an' join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs. Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimball sold her last week an' as a consequence she went an' made what she calls her Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for a cent a day now an' she made four cents last week. She says if Elijah Doxey eversays anythin' in the paper about her again she'll take three papers an' rent 'em at two mills a day an' supply the whole town an' wreck him so flat he'll have to hire out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she said an' he said for the Lord's sake to tell Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafter perfectly safe from all his treads. I told her, but she says he need n't think quotin' from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him in her very soon again. She says over in Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey is havin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us."
"Do you—" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed.
"No, I don't, for I asked him an' he crossed his heart to the contrary. But really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read the rest of this for I've got to be gettin' home to get supper."
"Go—" said the neighbor.
"No, I won't till I've done. The next one is this one an' it says, 'How long ought any one to wait to get married? I havewaited several years an' there is nothin' against the man except he's eighty-two an' paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' Ma oppose the match an' are the oldest couple in the country,' an' Elijah has signed it 'Lovin'ly, Rosy'—of all the silly things!"
"He must be—" cried Mrs. Lathrop.
"I should think so," said Susan; "why, he was rollin' all over the sofa laughin' over that. The answer is, 'I would wait a little longer—you can lose nothin' by patience.' I call that pretty silly, too."
"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the paper, "I felt it an' I said it, an' I knew you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I must say as I don't like his Advice Column, an' I'd never be one to advise no one to write to it for advice. His answers don't seem to tell you nothin', to my order of thinkin', an' that one about the pickles struck me just like a slap in my face."
"I'd never—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Nor me neither. If I want to know I come to you."
"And I—" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly.
"I know you would," said her friend, "whatever faults you've got, Mrs. Lathrop, I'd always feel that about you."
MRS. MACY AND THE CONVENTION
Mrs. Lathrop was out in the garden, pottering around in an aimless sort of way which she herself designated as "looking after things," but which her friend and neighbor called "wastin' time an' strength on nothin'." Whenever Miss Clegg perceived Mrs. Lathrop thus engaged she always interrupted her occupation as speedily as possible. On the occasion of which I write, she emerged from her own kitchen door at once, and called:
"Oh, Mrs. Lathrop, come here, I've got a surprise for you."
Mrs. Lathrop forthwith ceased to gaze fondly and absent-mindedly over her half-acre of domain, and advanced to the fence. Miss Clegg also advanced to the fence, andupon its opposite sides the following conversation took place.
"I went to see Mrs. Macy yesterday afternoon," Miss Clegg began, "an' I saw her an' that's what the surprise come from."
"She isn't—" asked Mrs. Lathrop anxiously.
"Oh, no, she's all right—that is, she's pretty nearly all right, but I may remark as the sight an' hearin' of her this day is a everlastin' lesson on lettin' women be women an' allowin' men to keep on bein' men for some years to come yet. Mrs. Macy says for her part she's felt that way all along but every one said it was her duty an' she says she always makes a point of doin' her duty, an' this time it was goin' to give her a free trip to town, too, so the hand of Providence seemed to her to be even more'n unusually plainly stuck out at her."
"Oh," said Mrs. Lathrop—"you mean—"
"Of course I do," said Susan, "but wait till I tell you how it come out. It's come out now, an' all different from how you know."
"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, you wait an' listen," said the friend,—"you wait an' listen an' then you'll know, too."
"I—" said Mrs. Lathrop, submissively.
"She says," Miss Clegg went on, "that we all know (an' that's true, too, 'cause I told you that before) as she was never much took with the idea even in the first of it. She says as she thinks as Elijah's ideas is gettin' most too progressive an' if he ain't checked we'll very soon find ourselves bein' run over by some of his ideas instead of pushed forward. She says woman's clubs is very nice things an' Mrs. Lupey takes a deal of pleasure with the one in Meadville (whenever they don't meet at her house)—but Mrs. Macy says our sewin' society ain't no club an' never was no club, an' she considers as it wasoverdrawin' on Elijah's part to start the question of its sendin' a delegate to any federation of any kind of woman's clubs. She says she can't see—an' she said at the meetin' as elected her, that she couldn't see—what our sewin' society could possibly get out of any convention, for you can buy all the patterns by mail now just as well as if you have 'em all to look over. An' then she says, too, as no one on the face of kingdom come could ever be crazy enough to suppose as any convention could ever get anythin' out of our delegates, so what was the use of us an' them ever tryin' to get together atall. I thought she was very sensible yesterday, an' I thought she was very sensible at the meetin' as elected her, an' I tried to talk to Elijah, but Elijah's so dead set on our bein' up to time with every Tom, Dick an' Harry as comes along with any kind of a new plan, that I can't seem to get him to understand as no one in this town wants to be up to time—we're a great dealbetter suited takin' our own time like we always did until he come among us. Mrs. Macy says as we all know as no one wanted to be a delegate to the federation to begin with, an' you know that yourself, Mrs. Lathrop, for I was there an' Elijah's idea resulted in the first place in every one's stayin' away from that meetin' for fear as they'd be asked to go. They had to set another day for the sewin' society an' even then a good many cleaned house instead for a excuse, an' Mrs. Sweet said right out as she did n't believe as any of us knowed enough to go to a convention an' so we'd better all stay home. I had to speak up at that an' say as Elijah had told me as things was fixed now so folks as did n't know anythin' could go to a convention just as well as any one else, but Mrs. Jilkins said in that case she should feel as if she was wastin' her time along with a lot of fools, an' what she said made such a impression that in the end the only one as they could possibly get to go wasMrs. Macy, so they elected her. Mrs. Macy was n't enthusiastic about bein' elected, atall, but Mrs. Lupey is her cousin an' Mrs. Lupey was the Meadville delegate, an' she says she thought as they could sit together, an' Mrs. Lupey wanted to go to the city anyway about reducin' her flesh, an' Mrs. Macy said that was sure to be interestin' for the one as Mrs. Lupey likes best is the one as you run chains of marbles up an' down your back alone by yourself, an' Mrs. Macy wanted to see them givin' Mrs. Lupey full directions for nothin'—she thought it would be so amusin'—an' so in the end she said she'd go.
"Well, she says foreign folks before they come to this country is wise compared to her! She was tellin' me all about it this afternoon. I never hear such a tale—not even from Gran'ma Mullins. She says Elijah sent in her name an' they filed her next day an' she says they've never quit sendin' her the filin's ever since. I toldyou as I heard in the square she was gettin' a good deal of mail but I never mistrusted how much until she showed me her box for kindlin' fires next winter. Why, she says it's beyond all belief! The right end of the box has got the papers as was n't worth nothin' an' the left end has got them as is really valuable. Well, after I'd looked at the box we set down an' she told me the hide an' hair of the whole thing. She says at first she got letters from everybody under the sun askin' her her opinions an' views, some about things as she never heard of before an' others as to things as she considers a downright insult to consider as she might know about. But she says views an' insults don't really matter much, after you reach her age, so she let those all go into the box together an' thought she'd think no more about it. She says there was only just one as she really minded an' that was the one about her switch. Seems she was n't decided about even wearin' her switch to the convention, for she says it's very hard to getboth ends of a switch fastened in at the same do-up an' one end looks about as funny as the other, stickin' out, but she says you can maybe imagine her feelin's when a man as she would n't know from Adam wrote her a letter beginnin', 'Hello, hello, why don't you have that dyed?' an' a picture of him lookin' at a picture of her very own switch with a microscope! She says she never was so took aback in all her life. There was another picture on the envelope of the man at a telephone an' he'd got all the other delegates' switches done an' hangin' up to dry for 'em an' she says she will say as the law against sendin' such things through the mail had certainly ought to be applied to that man right then an' there. She says it's years since she's got red from anythin' but bein' mad, but she was red from both kinds of woman's feelin's then an' don't you forget it. But laws, she says switches is child's play to what another man wrote her abouthis garters. Not her garters but his garters, mind you, Mrs. Lathrop. Would you believe that that other man had the face to ask her point-blank if, while she was in town, she'd be so kind as to give five minutes to comin' an' lookin' at his garters!—athis garters! He said they hooked onto his shoulders an' he just wanted a chance to tell her how comfortable they was. Well, she says the idea of any man's garters bein' of any interest to a widow was surely most new to her, an' it was all she could do to keep from writin' an' tellin' him so. She says she never hear the beat of such impertinence in all her life. Why, she says when she had a husband she never took no special interest in his garters as she recollects. She says she remembers as he used to pull up when he first got up in the mornin' an' then calmly wrinkle down all day, but she says if her lawful husband's garters' wrinkles did n't interest her, it ain't in reason as any other man's not wrinklin' isgoin' to. But she says that ain't all whatever I may think (or you either, Mrs. Lathrop), for although the rest ain't maybe so bad, still it's bad enough an' you 'll both agree to that when you hear it, I know. She says more men wrote her, an' more, an' more, an' the things they said was about all she could stand, so help her Heaven! One asked her if she knowed she needed a new carpet an' he happened to keep carpets, an' another told her her house needed paintin' an' he happened to keep paint, an' another just come out flat as a flounder an' said if she knowed how old her stove was, she'd come straight to him the first thing, an' he happened to keep stoves. An' she says they need n't suppose as she was n't sharp enough to see as every last one of them letters was really writ to sound unselfish, but with the meanin' underneath of maybe gettin' her to buy somethin'.
"An' then she says there come a new kind as really frightened her by gettin' most too intimate on postal cards."
"On postal—" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes—on postal cards. One wrote as she could get her husband back if she'd only follow his direction, an' she says the last thing she wants is to get her husband back, even if he is only just simply dead; an' another told her if she'd go through his exercises she could get fat or thin just as she pleased, an' the exercises was done in black without no clothes on around the edge of the card, an' Mrs. Macy says when Johnny handed her the card at the post office she like to of died then an' there. Why, she says they was too bad to put in a book, even—they was too bad to even send Mrs. Lupey!"
"Wh—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Then on Monday last still another new kind begin an' they've been comin' more an' more each mail. They was the convention itself beginnin' on her. An' she says she don't know whether they was a improvement or worse to come. One wrote an' told her if she was temperance toreport to them the first thing, an' then stand shoulder to shoulder from then on straight through the whole week. Well, Mrs. Macy says she could n't consider goin' anywhere an' standin' up through a whole week so she wrote 'em she was for the Family Entrance, where everybody can sit down, an' she feels bad because she's a great believer in temperance, but she says she can't help it, she's got to have a chair anywhere where she's to stay for a week. So temperance loses Mrs. Macy. Then woman's sufferige did n't wait to ask her what she was, but sent her a button an' told her to sew it right on right then an' there. She says she was feelin' so bad over the temperance that she was only too glad to be agreeable about the button so she done it, but it's hard to button over on a'count of bein' a star with the usual spikes an' the only place where she needed a button was on her placket hole, an' a spiked button in the back of your petticoat is far from bein' amusin' although shesays she can't but think as it's a very good badge for sufferige whenever she steps on it in steppin' out of her clothes at night. Then next she got a letter askin' her if she'd join the grand battalion to rally around the flag, an' she says it was right then an' there as she begin to fill the kindlin' box.
"Well, she says she'd got the box half full when to-day she got the final slam in her face!
"There came this mornin' her directions for goin' an' she says when she see for the first time just the whole width of what she was let in to she most fell over backward then an' there.
"First was a badge with a very good safety pin as she can always use; she says she did n't mind the badge. Then there was paper tellin' her as she was M. 1206 an' not to let it slip her mind an' to mark everythin' she owned with it an' sew it in her hat an' umbrella. Then there was a map of the city with blue lines an' pinksquares an' a sun without any sense shinin' square in the middle. Then there was a paper as she must fill out an' return by the next mail if she was meanin' to eat or sleep durin' the week. Then there was four labels all to be writ with her name an' her number an' one was for her trunk if it weighed over a hundred pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it weighed under a hundred pounds, an' one was for her trunk if it was a suit case, an' one was for her trunk if it was n't.
"Well, Mrs. Macy says you can maybe imagine how her head was swimmin' by this time an' the more she read how she was to be looked out for, the more scared she got over what might possibly happen to her. She says it was just shock after shock. There was a letter offerin' to pray with her any time she'd telephone first, an' a letter tellin' her not to overpay the hack, an' a letter sayin' as it's always darkest afore dawn, an' if she'd got any money saved up to bring it along with her an'invest it by the careful advice of him as had the letter printed at his own expense. Why, she says she didn't know which way to turn or what to do next she was that mixed up.
"An' then yesterday mornin' come the final bang as bu'sted Mrs. Macy! She got a letter from a man as said he'd meet her in the station an' tattoo her name right on her in the ladies' waitin'-room, so as her friends could easy find her an' know her body at the morgue. Well, she said that ended her. She says she never was one to take to bein' stuck an' so she just up an' wrote to Mrs. Lupey as she would n't go for love or money—"
"Why," cried Mrs. Lathrop, "then she isn't—"
"No," said Susan, "she isn't goin'. She ain't got the courage an' it's cruel to force her. I told her to give me the ticket an' I'd go in her place."
THE BIENNIAL
On the day that the Convention of Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop, having seen her friend depart, composed herself for a period of unmitigated repose which might possibly last, she thought, for several days. Susan had awakened her very early that morning to receive her back door key and minute instructions regarding Elijah and the chickens. Elijah had undertaken to look after the chickens, but Miss Clegg stated frankly that she should feel better during her absence if her friend kept a sharp eye on him during the process. "Elijah's got a good heart," said the delegate, "but that don't alter his bein' a man an' as a consequence very poor to depend upon as to allthings about the house. I don't say as I lay it up against him for if he was like Deacon White, an' had ideas of his own as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'd drive me mad in no time, but still I shall take it as a personal favor of you, Mrs. Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you see him if he's remembered all I told him, an'don'tlet him forget the hen as is thinkin' some of settin' in the wood shed, for if she does it, she'll need food just as much as if she does n't do it."
Then Miss Clegg departed, with her valise, her bonnet in a box, and some lunch in another box. She went early, for the simple reason that the train did the same thing, and as soon as she was gone Mrs. Lathrop, as I before remarked, went straight back to bed and to sleep again. She had a feeling that for a while at least no demand upon her energies could possibly be made, and it was therefore quite a shock to her when some hours later she heard a vigorous pounding on her back door.
Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop was some minutes in getting to the door, and when she got there, was some seconds in fumbling at the lock with her dream-benumbed fingers; but in the end she got it open, and then was freshly paralyzed by the sight of her friend, standing without, with her valise, her bonnet-box, her lunch in the other box, and the general appearance of a weary soldier who has fought but not exactly won.
"Why, Susan, I thought you—" began Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyes both popping widely open.
"I did, an' I've got through an' I've come home." Miss Clegg advanced into the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited her belongings upon the table and herself upon a chair. "I've been to the convention," she said; then, "I've been to the convention, an' I've got through with that, too, an' I've got home from that, too."
"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing into a more advanced stage of perplexity, as she came more fully to herself, noted more fully her friend's exceedingly battered appearance, and folding what she had slipped on well about her, sought her rocker.
"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan, "it beats me what anybody else does it for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, Mrs. Lathrop, partly because I'm too tired to answer them, an' partly because I've come over to tell you anyhow an' I can always talk faster when you don't try to talk at the same time."
Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about of her overgarment, and prepared to hold her tongue more tightly than ever.
"In the first place," said Susan, speaking in the highly uplifted key which we are all apt to adopt under the stress of great excitement mixed with great fatigue; "in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know as Mrs. Macy insisted on keepin' the badge'cause she said she wanted to work it into that pillow she's makin', so I had to get along with the card as had her number on it. As a consequence I naturally had a very hard time, for I could n't find Mrs. Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe from the start clear through to the finish. I can tell you I've had a hard day an' no one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to me never again. I'm too full of Women's Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, an' the way I've been treated this day makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem before I'd ever be a delegate to nothin' run by women again.
"In the first place when I got to the train it was full an' while I was packin' myself into the two little angles left by a very fat man, a woman come through an' stuck a little flag in my bonnet without my ever noticin' what she done an' that little flag pretty near did me up right in the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin'to a Woman's Convention makes you everybody's business but your own from the beginnin', an' that little flag as that woman stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one as I was a delegate.
"I set with a very nice lady as asked me as soon as she see the little flag if I knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption from one as has n't. I told her I did n't an' she talked about that till we got to town, which made the journey far from interestin' an' is goin' to make it very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of my life. Then we got out an' I got rid of her, but that did n't help me much, for I got two others as see the little flag right off an' they never got off nor let up on me. I was took to a table as they had settin' in the station handy, put in their own private census an' then give two books an' a map an' seven programs an' a newspaper an' a rose, all to carry along with my own things, an' then a little woman with a little black bag as had noticed the little flag too took me away, an' said I need n't botherabout a thing for I could go with her an' welcome.