Chapter 11

EnterGeorge,Steven,andDennis,r. d., and cross over to fireplace, where they stand and warm their hands.

Mrs. W.Ah, what a breath of winter freshness you bring in with you!

Steven.It is a simply glorious afternoon. How you girls could stay indoors and roast over a fire is a puzzle to me!

Dennis.You forget, Steve, that telegram which came at luncheon. They were afraid they might lose a few moments of his society!

George.If his ludship isn’t afraid of a little frost, we will show him how to spend an evening on the ice.

Dennis.I’ll bet a box of chocolates that he doesn’t know how to skate. (Aside to men.) They don’t have ice in Southern California.

Amy.Ten pounds and taken. (Aside to girls.) Jack is a superb skater!

Steven.Two to one that Dennis wins.

Rose.I suppose you think you are betting on a certainty, so I shall take you up, just to make you feel ashamed when I lose.

Steven.Mrs. Wycherly, can’t we have our tea without waiting for his giblets? I am simply famished!

Helen (crossing to l.).I wonder if men ever really think of anything besides eating.

George.If you think that clearing the drifts off that lake is a light and ornamental position under the government, try it.

Mrs. W. (rising and reseating herself at desk chair r.).Well, Helen, you may make it now, only save a cup for Lord Ferrol.

[Georgepulls easy-chair c. back to r., whileDennisandStevenbring tea-table to former position by chair.Roseexits l. d.

Helen (coming to tea-table and holding cup up).Lord Ferrol’s cup.

Steven.Oh, no!

Dennis.Never!

[They try to obtain possession of it.

Helen (going round table and sitting, still holding cup).Not for you.

EnterRosewith hot water pot. Men return to fireplace.Amysits easy-chair l. of tea-table.

Rose (rubbing teapot against Dennis’s hand as she passes).Hot water.

Dennis (jumping and looking at his hand).Not the least doubt of it.

Helen.Make the most of it, boys: it’s the last time our tea will be sweet to you!

Dennis.Why is Helen like a “P. & O.” steamer?

Helen (indignantly).I’m not!

Steven.Because she’s steaming the tea?

Dennis.No.

Amy.Don’t keep us in suspense.

Steven.Because she’s full of tease.

George.You make me tired.

Steven.Is that why you sat down so often on the ice?

Helen.Isn’t that just like George,—sitting round, while the rest do the work.

George.If you think there’s any particular pleasure in sitting in a snowdrift, there’s one outside, right against the verandah.

Steven.That would never do at present. It might result in a cold, and so destroy our little plan of winning the maiden affections of—well, I won’t give him a name till I have seen him!

Helen.It is hard to put up with foreign titles, but as long as our government will not protect that industry, the home product is so rude,boorish,VULGAR, and YOUNG, that we cannot help—

Rose (interrupting).Listen! (Pause.) There’s the carriage.

[All rise and start toward r. door.

Mrs. W. (rising and intercepting them at door).Now, don’t all come running out to frighten the poor man. (Men return to fireplace; girls reseat themselves.) Let his first greeting be with me, and then I willbring him in and let him see you and get a cup of tea.

[Exit r.

Dennis (stalking down stage).

Fe, Fo, Fi, Fum,I smell the blood of an Englishman;Be he alive, or be he dead,I’ll grind his bones to make me bread.

Fe, Fo, Fi, Fum,

I smell the blood of an Englishman;

Be he alive, or be he dead,

I’ll grind his bones to make me bread.

Rose (pointing at Dennis).

Ping Wing, the pieman’s son,Was the very worst boy in all Canton,He stole his mother’s—

Ping Wing, the pieman’s son,

Was the very worst boy in all Canton,

He stole his mother’s—

Mrs. W. (outside).No, I’m sure—

EnterMrs. W.andLord F.(in goggles and wig) r. d. and come down c.

Mrs. W.You are chilled by your ride, so you must have a cup of tea before going to your room. Helen, this is Lord Ferrol. My daughter, Miss Wycherly, Miss Newcome, Miss Sherman, Lord Ferrol—.

Lord F. (bowing).Charmed, I assure you!

Mrs. W.My nephews, Mr. George and Steven Harold, and Mr. Grant. There! the formidable host is reviewed, and youcan now make yourself as comfortable as possible.

Lord F.Er, thanks, but if you will allow me, I will go to my room first,—I am so filthy.

Mrs. W.Oh, but you really must have tea first.

Lord F.You’re awfully good, I’m sure. Er, will you pardon my glasses, but I burned my eyes shooting alligators, and, er! that was why I couldn’t make a more positive date, for I was in the hands of an oculist.

Amy (aside).Oh! Jack, what a lie!

Steven (aside).Didn’t I tell you the old fellow would come out strong? I shouldn’t know him myself?

Amy (rising from easy-chair l.).Here, Lord Ferrol, I have been sitting in the easiest chair to prevent the others from taking it, so that you should have it when you came.

Lord F.Er, thanks, awfully!

[Sits.Amystands in devoted attitude just at back of his chair.

Rose (rising and bringing hassock).Let me give you this hassock—one is so uncomfortable in these deep chairs without one.

Lord F.Er, Thanks! You’re very kind.

Helen (tenderly).Lord Ferrol, will you tell me how you like your tea?

Lord F.Strong, please, with plenty of cream and sugar.

Amy (admiringly).Ah, how nice it is to find a man who takes his tea as it should be taken! (looking at men scornfully). It is really a mental labor to pour tea for the average man.

Dennis.Average is a condition common to many; therefore we are common. Yet somebody said the common people were never wrong.

Helen.Well, they may never be wrong, but they can be uncommonly disagreeable!

Lord F.Yes, that’s very true. You know, at home we don’t have much to do with that class, but out here you can’t keep away from them.

Amy (turning to men).There! I hope you are properly crushed?

Lord F. (turning to Amy).Eh!

Amy (leaning over Lord F. tenderly).Oh, I wasn’t speaking to you, dear Lord Ferrol!

Mrs. W.I fear that you have had some unpleasant experiences here, from the way you speak.

Lord F.Rather. (Helen hands cup with winning smile.) Thanks, awfully!

George.Perhaps Lord Ferrol will tell us some of them; we may be able to free him from a wrong impression.

Lord F.The awful bore over here is, that every one tries to make jokes. Now, a joke is very jolly after dinner, or when one goes to “Punch” for it.

Steven.To what?

Lord F.To “Punch,” don’t you know,—the paper.

Steven.Oh! Excuse my denseness; I thought we were discussing jokes.

Lord F.I beg pardon?

Amy.Don’t mind him, Lord Ferrol.

George.No, like “Punch,” he’s only trying to be humorous.

Lord F.Er, is that an American joke?

Dennis.I always thought Punch was a British joke!

Lord F.Er, then you Americans do think it funny?

George.Singularly!

Lord F.What I object to in this country is the way one’s inferiors joke. It’s such bad form.

Rose (horrified).Surely they haven’t tried to joke you?

Lord F.Yes. Now to-day, coming up here, I took my luggage to the station, and got my brasses, but forgot your direction that it must be re-labelled at the Junction, so they wer’n’t put off there. I spoke to the guard, and he was so vastly obliging in promising to have them sent back that I gave him a deem.

Omnes.A what?

Lord F.A deem—your small coin that’s almost as much as our sixpence, don’t you know.

Omnes.Oh, yes!

Lord F.Well, the fellow looked at it, and then he smiled, and said loud enough for the whole car to hear: “My dear John Bull, don’t you sling your wealth about in this prodigal way. You take it home, and put it out at compound interest, and some day you’ll buy out Gould or Rockefeller.”

Helen.How shockingly rude! What did you do?

Lord F.I told him if he didn’t behave himself, I’d give him in charge. (Men all laugh.) Now, is that another of your American jokes?

Dennis (aside).Oh! isn’t this rich?

Amy (aside to Lord F.).Oh, you are beautiful!

Lord F. (bewildered and starting).Thanks awfully,—if you really mean it!

Steven (coming down to back of Lord F.’s chair).What did she say, Lord Ferrol? You must take Miss Sherman with a grain of allowance.

Amy.I’m not a pill, thank you.

Lord F.Why, who said you were?

Dennis.Only a homœopathic sugarplum.

Lord F.I don’t understand.

Steven (aside to Lord F.).Keep it up, old man. It’s superb!

Lord F.I beg pardon,—did you speak to me?

Steven (retreating to fireplace).Oh, no! only addressing vacancy.

Mrs. W.I hope, Lord Ferrol, that there has been enough pleasant in your trip to make you forget what has been disagreeable.

Lord F.Er, quite so. The trip has been vastly enjoyable.

Rose.Where have you been?

Lord F.I landed in New York and spent the night there, but it was such a bore that I went on to Niagara the next day. From there I travelled through the Rockies, getting some jolly sport, and then went to Florida.

Mrs. W.Why, you have seen a large part of our country; even more than yourfather did. I remember his amazement at our autumn foliage. He said it was the most surprising thing in the trip.

Amy.What did you think of it, Lord Ferrol?

Lord F.It struck me as rather gaudy.

Rose.Why, I had never thought of it, but perhaps it is a little vivid.

Dennis (aside to men).Oh, how I should like to kick him!

Steven (aside to Dennis).Hush! You forget that “Codlin’s your friend—not Short.”

George.Didn’t you ever see a Venetian sunset?

Lord F.Oh, yes. Why do you ask?

George (sarcastically).I merely thought it might be open to the same objection!

Lord F.It might—I don’t remember. I’ll look it up in my journal when I get home, and see if it impressed me at the time.

Helen.Do you keep a journal? (Rises and sits on footstool at Lord F.’s feet.) How delightful! (Beseechingly.) Oh,won’t you let me look at what you have with you?

Rose.Please, Lord Ferrol!

Amy.Ah, do!

Lord F.It would bore you, I’m sure.

Dennis (aside).I don’t care if he isn’t a double-barrelled earl, I should like to kick him all the same!

Helen.Lord Ferrol, you must let us hear some of it.

Rose.If you don’t we shall think you have said something uncomplimentary of the American women.

Lord F.No, I assure you I have been quite delighted.

Amy.Then why won’t you let us see it?

Lord F.Er, I couldn’t, you know; but if you really are in earnest, I’ll read you some extracts.

Omnes.Oh, do!

Lord F.I ought to explain that I started with the intention of writing a book on America, so this (producing book) is not merely what I did and saw, but desultory notes on the States.

Rose.How interesting!

Lord F.After your suggestion of what I have written of the American women, I think it best to give you some of my notes on them.

Mrs. W.By all means!

Lord F. (reading).“Reached Washington, the American capital, and went direct to Mrs. ——. Cabman charged me sixteen shillings. When I made a row, butler sent for my host, who, instead of calling a constable, made me pay the fellow, by insisting on paying it himself. Mr. —— is a Senator, and is seen very little about the house, from which I infer the American men are not domestic—presumably, because of their wild life—”

Mrs. W. (with anxiety).Their what?

Lord F.Their wild life,—spending so much of their time on the plains, don’t you know.

Mrs. W. (relieved).Oh! Excuse my misapprehension.

Lord F. (reading).“The daughter is very pretty, which Mrs. —— tells me isunusual in Washington society—as if I could be taken in by such an obvious Dowager puff! (Men all point at Mrs. W. and laugh. Mrs. W. shakes her finger reprovingly.) Miss —— says the Boston girls are plain and thin, due to their living almost wholly on fads, which are very unhealthy.” (Speaking.) I couldn’t find that word in the dictionary.

Steven.Sort of intellectual chewinggum, Lord Ferrol.

Dennis.Yes, and like gum, you never get beyond a certain point with it. It’s very fatiguing to the jaw.

Lord F. (reading).“She says the New York girls are the best dressed in the country, being hired by the dressmakers to wear gowns, to make the girls of other cities envious, and that this is where they get all the money they spend. Very remarkable!”

Helen.Something like sandwich men, evidently.

Lord F. (reading).“The Philadelphia girls, she says, are very fast, but never forlong at a time, because the men get sleepy and must have afternoon naps.”

Amy.Did she tell you that insomnia is thought to make one very distinguished there?

Lord F. (making note in book).Er, thanks, awfully. (Reading.) “She says that the Baltimore girls are great beauties, and marry so quickly that there is generally a scarcity. It is proposed to start a joint stock company to colonise that city with the surplus from Boston, and she thinks there ought to be lots of money in it! Another extreme case of American dollar worship! The Western girls, she told me, are all blizzards.” (Speaking.) I don’t think I could have mistaken the word, for I made her spell it. Yet the American dictionary defines blizzard as a great wind or snow storm.

George.That is it, Lord Ferrol. They talk so much that it gives the effect of a wind storm.

Lord F.Ah! much obliged. (Reading.) “Went to eight receptions in oneafternoon, where I was introduced to a lot of people, and talked to nobody. Dined out somewhere, but can’t remember the name. Took in a Miss ——, a most charming and lovely—”

Dennis (interrupting).Ah, there!

Lord F.I beg pardon.

Rose.You must forgive his rude interruption, Lord Ferrol.

Lord F.Oh, certainly! You’re sure you’re not bored?

Omnes.By no means. Do go on.

Lord F.“A most charming and lovely girl from New York. She thinks Miss —— characterised the cities rightly, except her own. Asked me if I thought she was only a dressmaking advertisement? As scarcely any of her dress was to be seen, I replied that as I couldn’t look below the table, I was sure it was the last thing one would accuse her of being. She blushed so violently that I had to tell her that I had seen much worse dresses in London; but that didn’t please her any better, and she talked to the man next herfor the rest of the evening. (All have difficulty in suppressing their laughter.) I met a Boston girl afterwards who—”

[Bell rings.

Mrs. W.Lord Ferrol, there is our summons to the upper regions. We will not make a formal guest of you, but will all guide you to your room.

[All rise.

Lord F.Er, thanks.

Mrs. W. (taking Lord F.’s arm).Your trunks not having arrived (exit r. d. with Lord F.) we will none of us—

[ExitAmyandHelenr. d., evidently laughing.Roseexits l. d. Men all go off into paroxysms of laughter.

Steven (suddenly).Well, I must go and coach him.

Dennis.My dear fellow! you can’t paint the lily.

EnterRose,quietly, l. d. Men all check their laughter.

Rose.I came back for my skates. Why, what are you laughing about! And pray what lily are you going to paint?

George.My dear cousin, when a person enters a room already occupied, without due warning, she must not ask questions relative to the subject under discussion.

Rose (talking down stage to conceal her laughter).I know very well what you were talking about. You were making fun of Lord Ferrol.

Steven.Give you my solemn word we were not making fun ofLord Ferrol.

Men.No! How suspicious you girls are!

[All laugh.Helentries to suppress her laughter, and then rushes out r. d., followed bySteven.

Dennis.That journal was a mighty clever dodge of Parker’s. It staved off all dangerous questions till Steve could coach him.

George.There were some capital notions in it, too. If he will only give us a few more risqué anecdotes, none of the girls will dare talk to him.

Dennis.Did you see Mrs. Wycherly’s horrified expression when he alluded tothe wild life of the American men? I am sure she thought he was going to give us some “exposures in high life.”

EnterStevenhurriedly, r. d.

Steven.Look here, fellows, you’ve got to help me. The girls have planted themselves on the divan upstairs, and I can’t go to Ferrol’s room without their seeing me. Come up and occupy them, while I slip in.

Dennis.Decoy ducks, eh?

Stuart.That’s it. Come along, George.

[All exit r. d.,—slight pause.

EnterLord F.l. d., dressed as before.

Lord F. (looking about).I must have made a mistake in the door, for I got into the butler’s pantry; but this is right, I am sure. Queer place and queer manners! Will make interesting reading, though. Ah, a good chance to fill up my journal. (Seats himself at desk, takes out book, and writes, speaking aloud and soliloquising as he does so.) “At 5.15 reached some unpronounceableand unspellable place. Was met by Mrs. Wycherly at front door”—curious fashion that! It made me take her for the housekeeper at first. “She insisted, in spite of my protests,”—I suppose it was an American idea of hospitality,—“in taking me at once into the drawing-room and presenting me to the house-party, and giving me a cup of tea. I felt very disagreeable, both from the condition I was in, and the fact that all of them kept making remarks which were entirely unintelligible to me. The young ladies were very kind, but more forward even than they are in England, though in a different way.”—I confess I rather liked it.—“Read some of my journal aloud and had no corrections. Blizzard applied to Western girls means that they talk a great deal. Was shown to my room by Mrs. Wycherly and the young ladies, which was rather embarrassing, especially as they seemed inclined to linger, and only hurried out on the appearance of the gentlemen. On leaving, one of the girlsslipped her hand into mine and gave it a distinct squeeze, at the same time asking in a whisper, ‘Did your sister send her love?’”—Now the idea of Sappho sending her love to a girl of whom she had never heard!—“I pretended not to hear, but she evidently knew that she had been too free, for as she left she jerked her head towards the gentlemen and said, ‘They didn’t see.’ Could not change my travelling suit, my boxes having gone astray. Found a letter pinned to my pin-cushion, and when the valet brought the hot water, he gave me another. Both, judging from the hand-writing and paper, seem to be written by ladies and gentlemen.”—I should like to know what they mean? I wonder if it’s good form in America to play jokes on guests? (Produces notes and reads.) “Dear F.”—(Rises and comes to c.) Now the idea of the fellow writing to me in that way on the acquaintance of a single afternoon—why, even my best friends only say “Dear Ferrol.”—“You were simply marvellous.I would have staked my bottom dollar on your identity, if I had not known who you were.”—Now what does he mean by that, I wonder?—“You were so real that Dennis wanted to kick you, and nothing but the presence of the ladies prevented him.”—Gad! I wonder if these fellows can be gentlemen, and if so, whether they are a fair specimen—kick me! (Pause.) Well, I suppose they’re jealous.—“So don’t be too hard on us. Now as to the future. If we do not see each other this evening, you must get up before breakfast, go out of the side door, and strike across the lawn toward the river. Three minutes’ walk will bring you in sight of a little summer-house. Come to it, and some of us will be there prepared to instruct you as to yourself, and put you on your guard as to the girls, who, you see, are making a dead set at you.”—You know, that’s just what I thought.—“Remember, in the bright lexicon, etc., etc., Steve.”—Now what does he mean by “bright lexicon?” And does he think I’m going to trampthrough the snow, when it’s so evidently a joke? (Opens other note.) “You dear love of a snob”—Now I should vastly like to know how that is meant. I don’t think it’s a nice way of beginning a letter, I’m sure. Yet she evidently means it as a compliment—“You were so perfectly delicious that I could scarcely forbear from giving you a kiss.”—Extraordinary!—“Indeed I think I will to-morrow, just to make the boys desperate. I only hope your life is insured, for Dennis will probably chuck you out of the window, when I do, and it’s too cold for the window to be opened. Fortunately there is plenty of soft snow to break the fall.”—Now isn’t that a nasty way of joking! One would actually think she enjoyed the prospect of seeing me thrown out the window.—“I have given directions that you are to be called early, and as soon as you can, I want you to come to the valley summer-house. Turn to your right, and walk straight towards the river, and you can’t miss it. There you will find a bevy ofmaidens waiting to metaphorically hug and kiss you, and instruct you so that you may play the part of George Augustus Guelph Dunstan, Earl of Ferrol and Staunton, with sufficient stupidity and vanity. Amy”—Now I should like to know what all that means. (Reflectively.) Amy—she’s the one who told me I was beautiful the first time she spoke to me. I should like to know what she means!

EnterMrs. W.r. d.

Mrs. W. (crossing to c.).Why, I didn’t know you had come downstairs, Lord—I hardly know whether to call you Lord Ferrol, but I suppose it is safer.

Lord F. (surprised).Eh?

Mrs. W. (confidentially).I was immensely amused just now in coming down. There are all the boys and girls sitting in the upper hall, each intent on getting a few words with you, or of preventing the others.

Lord F.I suppose I ought to be vastly flattered. Yet I thought the gentlemen disliked me.

Mrs. W. (laughing).Oh, they will probably kill you before the end of your visit.

Lord F.Good gracious, Mrs. Wycherly, you’re not speaking seriously!

Mrs. W.You play your part so well that I myself should think that you were to the manner born.

Lord F. (aside).I wonder if it is the fashion of the house to speak in innuendoes. (Aloud.) Er! Mrs. Wycherly, I am so new to your ways that I should really like to ask you about one or two questions of etiquette. You know that it differs so in countries, and I never want to seem cold or rude. Now, over here, is it customary for young ladies to say that they want to kiss fellows (voices outside) who are no relations of theirs?

Mrs. W.Why, I never heard—

Enter all, r. d.Helen,George,andStevencross to l.Rosecomes down r. to writing-desk.DennisandAmystand at fireplace.

Amy (to Lord F.).Oh, here you are! We’ve all been waiting upstairs for you.

Lord F.Er, thanks.

Rose.I hope we are not late, Mrs. Wycherly.

Mrs. W. (going up stage to fireplace).Oh, it doesn’t matter in the least. You will simply have grieved Seymour over the dinner.

Rose.I know I shall grieve him by my appetite. (Over desk to Lord F.) Why, Lord Ferrol, I am hungry enough to eat you.

Lord F. (half turning).Er, thanks, awfully. (Aside.) Now, what does she mean?

Amy.Oh, I wouldn’t eat Lord Ferrol, for you can’t eat your cake and have it. (Coming down center to Lord F.) But I should like to kiss him, if he will let me.

Lord F.Er, charmed,—if Mrs. Wycherly thinks it proper.

Dennis (seizing paper-knife from desk and rushing down between them).This is too much, Parker! You are getting morethan your share. (Turning to Amy.) Avaunt, woman! you have raised the savage in me, and behold the consequences!

[Uses the knife as a scalping knife, and then tears offLord F.’swig, revealing a perfectly bald head.

Lord F.Gad, sir! what do you mean?

Omnes.Why, who are you?

[Amycrosses to l. as if bewildered.

Lord F.Who am I?

Mrs. W. (with horror).You are not really Lord Ferrol?

Lord F.Who else should I be?

[Pause.

Amy (sinking faintly into chair).And I asked leave to kiss him!

Mrs. W. (coming down to c. and speaking with great anxiety).Lord Ferrol, my young people here were each trying to play a joke on the other, and by a horrible coincidence you have been the victim. (Imploringly.) Will you not try to forgive us now, and let me explain at dinner?

[All come down stage and seem to plead.

Lord F.Well, really, if it’s a mistake,of course I can’t cut up rough. (To Amy.) Then you don’t think I’m a dear love of a snob, eh?

Amy (faintly).Oh, no, Lord Ferrol.

Lord F.And you don’t want to kiss me?

Amy (more faintly).No, indeed, Lord Ferrol.

Lord F.Then, Miss Sherman, I will try to make you do both.

Steven (coming down c.).There, didn’t I tell you the real English swells were very jolly, gentlemanly fellows?

[Shakes hands with Ferrol.

Lord F.And didn’t I tell you the Americans were always joking in the wrong place? (To Dennis.) Er, I’ll thank you for my hair.

Curtain

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