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the floor. As he stooped to take it up, his eye caught a glimpse of a visitor who had just entered. John Harmon looked at the visitor, the visitor looked at John Harmon. John Harmon looked first red, then white; the visitor looked first very white, then very red. The delegate was the first to resume his self-possession.
"Well, friend Ames, how do you do?" said he, adroitly shifting the letter from his right hand to the left, and giving the former to the "Honorable" member.
"Very well! Capital!" replied Ames, nervously. "What's the news?"
"Nothing particular," said John Harmon, with a grim smile, sliding the letter into his hat. "Fine weather—Good deal of company at Washington, I find."
"O yes, considerable!" Ames rubbed his hands, and tried to appear at ease. "I am glad to see you here. You must go up to the House with me. How are all the folks at home? How's Harrowfork now-a-days?"
John Harmon answered these questions evasively.
At the same time, the Assistant's countenance betrayed an inward appreciation of unspeakable fun. The member's face grew redder still, and still more red. The truth is, he had that morning received a note from Blake warning him of Harmon's journey to the Capital, and had just left his seat in the House, hastening to the Department, to secure the fatal letter before it betrayed his treachery.
As we have seen, he was just too late.
The Assistant took pleasure in seating the two visitors side by side upon the same sofa, and allowed them to entertain each other. But the conversation was forced, unnatural, embarrassing. At length Ames, resolved upon knowing the worst, plunged desperately into the all-important subject.
"I suppose," said he, "you don't entirely get over the excitement at home about the post-office."
"No, we don't," replied John Harmon, significantly; "and that ain't the worst of it." He bent over the end of the sofa,and deliberately, with the grimmest sort of smile, drew from his hat the Honorable member's private note.
"And, somehow, it don't strike me," he added, glancing his eye over its contents, "that this letter of yours is going to lessen the excitement very materially. I suppose you know that hand-writing?"
He thrust the letter into the Honorable member's face. The Honorable member's face flushed more fiery than before. He stammered, he smiled, he rubbed his handkerchief in his hands, and upon his brow.
"My dear Harmon," said he, blandly, "I see you don't fully understand this business."
"I'm sure I don't," cried John Harmon; "and I'd like to find the honest man who does! Didn't you pledge yourself to use your influence, if elected, to have Blake removed?"
"Don't speak so loud!" whispered the Honorable member, who didn't at all fancy the humorous smile on the Assistant's face. "It's all right, I assure you. But this isn't exactly the place to talk over the affair. Come with me to my lodgings, and we'll discuss the matter."
Not averse to discussion, John Harmon consented to the proposal.
"I beg your pardon," said the Assistant Post Master General, "but that paper,—I cannot suffer that to be removed."
It was the fatal letter. John Harmon wanted it; the Honorable member wanted it still more; but the Assistant insisted, and the document was left behind.
Now, the Honorable member was in what is commonly termed a "fix." Like too many such politicians, who, nevertheless, as Mark Antony says, are "all honorable men," he had found it convenient to adopt the "good Lord, good devil" policy, using two oars to row his boat into the comfortable haven of public office.
Accordingly, while gently drawing figmative wool over the visual organs of the radical temperance people, he had managed, at the same time, by private pledges, to conciliate Atkins,Blake & Company, and secure the silence of the Goblet. Once elected, he did not fail to look forward to a future election, in view of which he considered it expedient to smile upon one faction with one side of his face, and grin upon the opposition with the other.
For this double-dealing, honest, honest Iago,—we mean honest John Harmon—called the member to account.
How the affair was settled is not generally known. But one thing is positive. The Honorable member and the delegate from Harrowfork suddenly blossomed into excellent and enduring friends; and not long after, Mr. John Harmon became the occupant of a snug berth at the seat of Government, supposed to have been obtained through the influence of the Honorable member from his District.
"How about Blake and the post-office?" inquired Mr. Forrester Wilcox, the morning he left Washington.
"I've concluded," replied John Harmon, candidly, "that the post-office is well enough as it is. Blake turns out to be a passable kind of post master after all, and I don't really think 'twill be worth while to make any change for the present."
And this was the answer the worthy delegate made to all persons, who, from that time forward, interrogated him on the subject.
Shortly after, his very Honorable friend, the member from his District, being now decidedly averse to political letter-writing, went home on a flying visit, and passing through Harrowfork, took pains to make himself agreeable to all parties. Among other nice and prudent acts, he privately consulted Blake. The post master listened to his advice, and immediately on the member's return to Washington, appointed as an assistant in his office, a young man of strict temperance principles, who was quite popular with the opposition, and who had for some time acted as Secretary of the "County Association for the Suppression of Intemperance."
This appointment seemed to cast oil upon the troubled waters. And so the matter rests at the present date.
Ames is still in Congress; John Harmon continues to enjoy his comfortable quarters at the seat of Government. Tim Blake remains the efficient post master of Harrowfork, with the young man of strict temperance principles for his assistant; and Atkins still edits the Goblet.
This powerful organ has of late regained something of its former popularity and patronage; but whether it will support Ames at the next Congressional election, depends upon Blake; whether Blake retains his office, depends upon Ames; whether Ames maintains his position and influence at home, depends in a very great measure upon honest John Harmon, who, like the Ghost in Hamlet,
"Could a tale unfold, whose lightest word would harrow up"
the political soil of Harrowfork, in a manner dangerous to the Constitution and the Union.
UNJUST COMPLAINTS.
Infallibility not claimed—"Scape-Goats"—The Man of Business Habits—Home Scrutiny.
A Lady in Trouble—A bold Charge—A wronged Husband—Precipitate Retreat.
Complaints of a Lawyer—Careless Swearing—Wrong Address—No Retraction.
A careless Broker—The Charge repulsed—The Apology—Mistake repeated—The Affair explained—A comprehensive Toast.
Infallibilityis not claimed by those connected with the Post-Office Department, and it cannot be denied that mistakes sometimes occur through the carelessness or incompetency of some clerk or other official. But if there is a body of men who perform the duties of scape-goats more frequently than any other, those men are post masters, and post-office clerks.
Whoever takes this responsible station with the expectation that a faithful discharge of his duty will protect him from all suspicion and blame, cherishes a pleasing dream that may at any moment be dispelled by the stupidity, or carelessness, or rascality of any one among the many-headed public, whose servant he is.
When it is considered that in the selection of persons to fill the important office of post master, the Department makes every effort to secure the services of competent and honestmen, and that they, in the appointment of their clerks, generally endeavor to obtain those of a like character, it may reasonably be supposed that at least as high a degree of accuracy and integrity can usually be found inside of post-office walls, as without its boundaries.
I cannot, indeed, claim for this corps of officials entire immaculacy. Could I justly do so, they would be vastly superior in this respect to mankind at large. But without setting up any such high pretensions, I would suggest that those connected with the post-office receive a greater share of blame for failures in the transmission of letters than justly belongs to them. Many people seem to think that nobody can commit a blunder, or be guilty of dishonesty in matters connected with the mails, but post masters or their employés.
Acting on this impression, such persons, when anything goes wrong in their correspondence, do not stop to ascertain whether the fault may not be nearer home, but at once make an onslaught upon the luckless post-office functionary who is supposed to be the guilty one.
The investigation of some such unfounded charges, resulting in placing the fault where it belonged, has brought to light curious and surprising facts, respecting the atrocious blunders sometimes committed by the most accurate and methodical business men. Such men have been known to send off letters with no address, or a wrong one; and even (as in one case which will be found in this chapter) to persist in attempting to send a letter wrongly directed. They have been known to mislay letters, and then to be ready to swear that they had been mailed. The blame of these and similar inadvertencies has been laid, of course, upon somebody connected with the post-office.
Mr. A. is a man of business habits;henever makes such mistakes, and indignantly repudiates the idea that any one in his employ could be thus delinquent. So the weight of his censure falls on the much-enduring shoulders of a post-office clerk.
Besides the class of cases to which I have alluded, whicharise from nothing worse than carelessness or stupidity, many instances occur in which the attempt is made by dishonest persons to escape detection, by throwing the blame of their villany upon post-office employés. Cases like the following are not uncommon.
A merchant sends his clerk or errand-boy to mail a letter containing money. This messenger rifles it, reseals it, and deposits it in the letter box. On the receipt of the letter by the person to whom it is addressed, the robbery comes to light; and, as the merchant is naturally slow to believe in the dishonesty of his messenger, he at once jumps at the conclusion that the theft was committed after the letter entered the post-office. In such cases, and in those of which I have been speaking, it would be well to establish the rule that scrutiny, like charity, should "begin at home."
Letters are sometimes mailed purporting to contain money for the payment of debts—when in fact they contain none—with the intention of making it appear that they have been robbed in their passage through the mails. In short, the cases are numberless in which, through inadvertence or design, censure is unjustly thrown upon the employés of the post-office; and the investigations of this class of cases forms no unimportant branch of the duties of a Special Agent.
It has been the pleasing duty of the author, in not a few instances, to relieve an honest and capable official from the load of suspicion with which he was burdened, by discovering, often in an unexpected quarter, where the guilt lay.
THE BITER BIT.
The following case, which might properly be entitled "The Biter Bit," displays still another phase of the subject in hand.
A lady of a very genteel and respectable appearance, called one day on a prominent New England post master, with a letter in her hand, which she insisted had been broken open andresealed. She handed the letter to the post master, who examined it, and appearances certainly seemed to justify her assertion. She further declared that she well knew which clerk in the office had broken it open, and that he had previously served several of her letters in the same way. Upon hearing this, the post master requested her to walk inside the office, and point out the person whom she suspected.
Such an unusual phenomenon as the appearance of a lady inside the office, produced, as may be supposed, a decided sensation among the clerks there assembled. Nor was the sensation diminished in intensity when the post master informed them, that the lady was there for the purpose of identifying the person who had been guilty of breaking open her letters!
This announcement at once excited the liveliest feelings of curiosity and solicitude in the mind of almost every one present, and each one, conscious of innocence, indulged in conjectures as to who that somebody else might be, whom the accusing Angel (?) was to fix upon as the culprit.
All their conjectures fell wide of the mark. After looking about for a moment, the lady pointed out the last man whom any one in the office would have suspected of such an offence—one of the oldest and most reliable of their number.
"That is the person," said she, indicating him by a slight nod of the head; "and if he persists in making so free with my letters, I will certainly have him arrested. Why my letters should always be selected for this purpose, I cannot imagine; but if any more of them are touched, he will wish he had let them alone."
This direct charge, and these threats, produced a greater commotion among his fellow clerks, than in the mind of the gentleman accused. Waiting for a moment after she had spoken, he broke the breathless silence that followed her words, by saying calmly,—"Mrs.——, I believe?"
"That is my name, sir."
"Have you concluded your remarks, madam?"
"I have, sir, for the present."
"Then, madam, I will take the liberty to inform you thatyour husbandis the person on whom you ought to expend your indignation. He has, at different times, taken several of your letters from the office, opened and read them, and after resealing, returned them to the letter box, having made certain discoveries in those letters, to which he forced me to listen, as furnishing sufficient ground for his course, and justifying former suspicions! He earnestly requested me never to disclose who had opened the letters, and I should have continued to observe secrecy, had not your accusation forced me to this disclosure in self-defence. If you wish to have my statement corroborated, I think I can produce a reliable witness."
The lady did not reply to this proposition, but made a precipitate retreat, leaving the clerk master of the field, and was never afterwards seen at that post-office.
In the summer of 1854, among the complaints of missing letters made at the New York post-office, was one referring to a letter written by a young lawyer of that city, directed as was claimed, to a party in Newark, N. J. Enclosed was the sum of twenty-five dollars in bank-notes.
The writer of the letter was annoyed by the circumstance, to an unusual degree, and caused a severe notice of censure upon the Post-Office Department, to be inserted in one of the leading New York journals. A formal certificate was also drawn up, duly sworn to, and forwarded to Washington.
It read as follows:—
State of New York.City and County of New York, ss.JohnB. C——, of said city, Counsellor at Law, being duly sworn, doth depose and say that on the 19th day of July instant, he enclosed the sum of $25 in a letter addressed to Capt. John M——, Newark. N. J., and deposited the same in the post-office in the city of New York. That the said enclosure and deposit of the letter was made inthe presence of one of the principal clerks of the said post-office, whose attention deponent particularly called to the fact at the time. That deponent is informed, and believes that the said clerk's name is John Hallet.Sworn before me this10th day of August, 1854.(Signed)Henry H. M——,Comr. of Deeds.
State of New York.City and County of New York, ss.JohnB. C——, of said city, Counsellor at Law, being duly sworn, doth depose and say that on the 19th day of July instant, he enclosed the sum of $25 in a letter addressed to Capt. John M——, Newark. N. J., and deposited the same in the post-office in the city of New York. That the said enclosure and deposit of the letter was made inthe presence of one of the principal clerks of the said post-office, whose attention deponent particularly called to the fact at the time. That deponent is informed, and believes that the said clerk's name is John Hallet.
Sworn before me this10th day of August, 1854.(Signed)Henry H. M——,Comr. of Deeds.
The complainant was visited by the Special Agent, and the bare suggestion that the failure might have been owing to some error in the address of the letter, was received with much indignation.Hedidn't do business in that way, and the post-office and its clerks couldn't cover up their carelessness or dishonesty, by any such inventions.
The reader ought to have been present in the post master's room, some few months subsequently, when this infallible (?) individual called, in response to a notice that his letter had been returned from the Dead Letter Office!
Secretary.—"Good morning, Mr. C——."
C.—"Good morning, sir. I have received a notice to call here for a letter."
Secretary.—"Yes, sir, that is the one referred to, (placing the unlucky missive before him). Is that address in your hand-writing?"
C.—"Why,—y-e-s, it's mine sure—I couldn't dispute that."
Secretary.—"It seems to be directed to Newburg, N. Y., instead of to Newark, N. J."
C.—"I have nothing to say. I could have sworn that the address was correct."
Secretary.—"You did so swear, I believe. Mistakes will happen, but I think the least you can do, will be to retract the article you published censuring us, for what you were yourself to blame."
The amazed limb of the law made no further reply, but left the office gazing intently on the letter, and in his bewildermentgetting the wrong door, as he had originally got the wrong address upon the letter.
No such correction was ever made, however, and like hundreds of similar faults, for which others are alone responsible, the charge yet stands against the Post-Office Department, and those in its employ.
Some years since, a letter containing drafts and other remittances to a considerable amount, was deposited in the New York office, to be transmitted by mail, having been directed (as was supposed) to a large firm in Philadelphia. This letter would pass through the hands of a clerk, whose duty it was to separate all those deposited in the letter box, and arrange them according to their respective destinations. He discovered that it was directed toNew York, yet though he had heard of the firm to which it was addressed, he thought it might have been so directed for some particular purpose, and accordingly placed it in the "alphabet," for delivery to the proper claimant. On the day after this, Mr. D., of the firm of D. & A., well known brokers in Wall Street, called at the office and stated that his clerk had deposited such a letter to be mailed in time to go to Philadelphia the same day, but that he had been advised that it had not been received.
The clerk in attendance was somewhat perplexed by this statement, but suggested the probability thathisclerk, in the hurry of business, had directed it wrong.
Mr. D. replied that this could not be, for he saw all his letters before they were confided to the charge of his clerk, and as the one in question had not been received, it must have been mailed incorrectly through the ignorance or carelessness of the clerk assigned to that duty; and indeed went so far as to intimate that it might have been detained purposely. This insulting remark induced the post-office clerk to express his perfect indifference concerning such a groundless conjecture, and to state, as his opinion, that the charge ofignorance, carelessness, or sinister design, would eventually be found to rest on the shoulders of Mr. D. or his clerks.
Against this turning of the tables, that gentleman indignantly protested, and the post master, who overheard the altercation, appeared vexed and displeased at the supposed delinquency of his clerk. A general search was commenced in the office, in order, if possible, to settle the disputed point. In the course of this investigation, the "pigeon-hole" designed for letters corresponding with such a name as that of the Philadelphia firm, was examined, and the letter in question was found, directed "New York," instead of "Philadelphia."
Upon this being known, Mr. D. made many apologies, begged to be exonerated from all intention to charge criminality upon any one, took his letter and retired, much disconcerted and chagrined.
He went to his office and poured out sundry vials of wrath upon the head of his luckless clerk, to whom he attributed the atrocious blunder which had been committed. The affair, however, did not end here.
On the following day a letter was deposited in the post-office, at about one o'clock, in time for the Philadelphia mail,directed precisely as before!viz. addressed to the Philadelphia firm, but directed "New York," and happened to fall under the eye of the clerk who had been cognisant of the error of the day previous. This second instance of gross inadvertence, or something worse, on the part of somebody, was rather too much for the equanimity of the post master, who at once sent for Mr. D., and showed him the letter, which seemed as if it was under the influence of some mischievous enchanter. As the words "New York," in the superscription, stared D. in the face, he in turn became enraged, and was about to leave the office with the fell design of discharging his clerkinstanter. The post master then requested him, before he left, to sit down and alter the direction of the letter from "New York"to "Philadelphia," which he did. The letter was mailed accordingly, and duly received.
A few days afterwards, the post-office clerk met Mr. D., and said to him, "I suppose you have turned off your clerk for his mismanagement in relation to the letter about which so much trouble was made in our office."
"Ah!" replied he, "I believe I shall have to confess thatIwas the only one to blame in the matter. My clerk was perfectly innocent. On returning home with the letter, I laid it down with the intention of having the mistake in the direction rectified, but having something else to call off my attention just then, it was mixed with the letters for city delivery, and was taken to the office with them by my clerk."
Thus all this trouble and vexation was caused by the carelessness of a man who was accustomed to system and accuracy in the transaction of his business; and the above related facts may lead even persons of this description not to be too confident of their own freedom from error, when any mistake like that just mentioned occurs.
I can give no better summary of the whole subject under consideration, than that which is found in some remarks made by Robert H. Morris, Esq., on the occasion of his retirement from the office of post master of New York, in May, 1849, at a dinner prepared for the occasion.
During the evening Mr. Morris said.
"Gentlemen, please fill your glasses for a toast. As I intend to toast a man you may not know, I deem it necessary, before mentioning his name, to tell you what sort of a man he is.
"He rises at 4 o'clock in the morning and works assiduously during the whole day, until 7 o'clock in the evening—goes wearied to bed, to rise again at 4 o'clock, and again to work assiduously.
"If the gentlemen of the press—and there are some among us—incorrectly direct their newspapers for subscribers, it isthe fault of the man I intend to toast, if the papers do not reach those to whom they should have been addressed.
"If a publishing clerk omits to address a newspaper to a subscriber, it is the fault of the man I intend to toast that the subscriber does not get his paper.
"If a man writes a letter and seals it, and neglects to put any address upon it, it is the fault of the man I will toast, if the letter does not reach the person for whom it was intended.
"If an officer of a bank addresses a letter to Boston instead of New Orleans, it is the fault of the man I shall presently toast, if the letter is not received at New Orleans.
"If a merchant's clerk puts a letter in his over-coat, and leaves that coat at his boarding-house, with the letter in his pocket, the man I will toast is to blame because the letter has not reached its destination.
"If a merchant shuts up a letter he has written, between the leaves of his ledger, and locks that ledger in his safe, the man I will toast has caused the non-reception of that letter.
"If a poor debtor has no money to pay his dunning creditor, and writes a letter that he encloses fifty dollars, but encloses no money, having none to enclose, the man I will toast has stolen the money.
"If agood, warm-hearted, truefriend, receives a letter from a dear (?) but poor friend, asking the loan of five dollars; and, desiring to be considered a good, warm-hearted, true friend, and at the same time to save his five dollars, writes a letter saying 'dear friend, I enclose to you the five dollars,' but only wafers into the letter a small corner of the bill,—the man I will toast has stolen the five dollars out of the letter, and in pulling it out, tore the bill.
"If a rail-road-bridge is torn down or the draw left open, and the locomotive is not able to jump the gap, but drops into the river with the mail, the man I will toast has caused the failure of the mail.
"This, gentlemen, is the stranger to you, whom I will toast. I give you, gentlemen—A Post-Office Clerk!"
PRACTICAL, ANECDOTAL, ETC.
The wrong Address—Odd Names of Post-Offices—The Post-Office a Detector of Crime—Suing the British Government—Pursuit of a Letter Box—An "Extra" Customer—To my Grandmother—Improper Interference—The Dead Letter—Sharp Correspondence—The Irish Heart—My Wife's Sister.
Givingthe wrong State in an address, is a disease as common among letters, as hydrophobia among dogs. A draper's clerk in C—— sent a remittance to Boston which did not arrive there. The draper was obliged to send the amount (three hundred and fifty dollars) again, which he did personally, to prevent mistakes. This too failed to arrive, but the first was soon received by him from the Dead Letter Office, having died at Boston inNew York, instead ofMassachusetts! The merchant drank gunpowder-tea, and gave his clerk a "blowing up." The latter person, however, was in some sort avenged, not long after, for Coroner John Marron reported that the second letter, written and mailed by the merchant himself, had died of the same disease that carried off the first, and forwarded the body to him.
It should here be mentioned, for the benefit of the uninitiated, that the gentleman referred to, is the Third Assistant Post Master General, embracing the Superintendence of the Dead Letter Office. His duties may be considered as in some respects analogous to those of a Coroner, as he, or those in hisbureau, in the case of defunct money letters, ascertain the causes of death, and send the remains to surviving friends.
The omission of the name of the State from the address of a letter, often causes much uncertainty in its motions.
There are, for instance, seven Philadelphias besides the one in Pennsylvania, twenty-three Salems, as many Troys, and no end of Washingtons, Jeffersons, and other names distinguished in the history of the country.
There are three New Yorks, and eleven Bostons. Indeed the majority of the names of the post-offices are at least duplicated, and often repeated many times, as we could easily show; but two or three more specimens of this will suffice. Twenty-three Franklins, twenty Jacksons, and sixteen Madisons, will help to perpetuate the memories of the distinguished men who once bore those names.
The danger of a letter's miscarrying in consequence of the omission of the name of the State on its direction, is of course reduced to nothing, when there is no other post-office in the country with the same name as the one addressed, especially if there is any oddity about the name. Thus, were we to direct a letter to "Sopchoppy," it would be likely to find the place rejoicing in that euphonious title, even were the State (Florida) omitted in the address; although it would often involve the trouble of consulting the list of post-offices. "Sorrel Horse," also, could not fail to receive whatever might be sent to it.
A teetotaler would not be surprised to find "Sodom" in "Champaign County;" and while on this subject we would say that temperance views seem to have prevailed in naming post-offices. We have two named Temperance, and three Temperancevilles, to balance which, besides the above Sodom, there appear only "Gin Town," and "Brandy Station," one of each.
One given to speculation on such matters, would be curious to know what must be the state of society in "Tight Squeeze." Is the "squeeze" commercial or geographical? Do hard timesprevail there as a general thing, or is there some narrow pass, leading to the place, which has originated the name? There may be some tradition connected with the subject; at least a moderately lively fancy might make something even of such an unpromising subject as "Tight Squeeze."
Far different must be the condition of things in "Pay Down." This favored place is doubtless eschewed by advocates of the credit system, and here Cash must reign triumphant.
Some villages seem to aspire to astronomical honors. There are in our social firmament, one Sun, one Moon, and two Stars; also one Eclipse, and a Transit, whether of Venus or not is unknown. So it appears that the "man in the Moon," is not altogether a fictitious character, but may be a post master.
The twenty-five thousand names contained in the list of post-offices would furnish many other curiosities as noticeable as those just cited, and we refer those who are desirous of entering more largely into the subject, to that work.
It is sufficient for us to have called the attention of the public to the necessity of exactness and sufficient fulness in the address of letters, to insure their delivery at the place where they are intended to go. Much vexation, and real inconvenience would be obviated, if more care were exercised in this respect, and the Dead Letter Office would have fewer inquests to make.
THE POST-OFFICE AS A DETECTOR OF CRIME.
The mails, as we have seen, afford facilities to the rogue for carrying out his designs as well as to the honest man in the prosecution of his business. But the post-office has been made, accidentally or purposely, the instrument of bringing to light criminals who had hitherto remained undetected; and whose deeds had no such connection with the mails as those which have thus far been described in this work.
A striking instance of this has been kindly furnished me by the Cincinnati Post Master, relating to a case which has excited the horror of the whole country. I refer to the Arrison case, most of the circumstances of which are doubtless familiar to my readers.
It will be recollected that the man Arrison was guilty of murdering the steward of the Cincinnati Hospital, and his wife, by means of a box, containing explosive materials, which took fire by the action of opening it. Arrison immediately absconded, and his place of retreat remained undiscovered for some time; but he was destined to be betrayed by a chain of circumstances, hanging upon an accident of the most trifling description.
A letter came to the Cincinnati office from Muscatine, Iowa, addressed to "P. F. Willard, Cincinnati, Ohio." The Muscatine post-mark was so placed as to cover the P. in the address in such a manner as to make it resemble a C. There being a young lawyer in the place by the name of C. F. Willard, the letter was very naturally placed in his box. Upon opening and reading the document, he found that its contents were of the most mysterious character, and totally incomprehensible. Finding thus that it was not intended for him, he very properly returned it to the office with the request that it should be handed to the post master. This gentleman calling to mind the circumstances of the Arrison case, and being familiar with some of the names connected therewith, came to the conclusion, after reading the letter, that Arrison was the writer, and thereupon gave the information which led to his discovery and arrest.
SUING THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT.
A clerk stationed at the "General Delivery" window of the post-office, dispensing epistolary favors to the impatient throng without, was suddenly confronted by a countenanceflaming with wrath; which countenance was part and parcel of the individual, now first known to fame by the name of Mike Donovan, who had elbowed his way through the crowd, and now stood before the astonished official, demanding justice. Handing him a foreign letter, marked "24 cents," Mike exclaimed in a tone of righteous indignation.
"Here, sir, is a letther that I paid twinty-four cints for, out of me own pocket, and the letther is from Pat Cosgrove, me cousin in ould Ireland, and Pat is as honest a boy as iver saw daylight, and Pat, he says inside of the letther that he paid the postage, and so some raskill has chated me, and I mane to make him smart for't; and I'd be obleiged to ye if ye'd tell me who tosue. Bedad, it isn't me that's goin to put up wid such rashcality."
Here he brought down his shillalah on the floor, to the imminent danger of his neighbor's toes, with an emphasis strongly suggestive of his fixed determination to exact the uttermost farthing from his unknown defrauder.
The clerk informed him if any mistake had occurred, the British Government was the delinquent, and therefore the party to be sued.
"Is it the British Government?" inquired Pat.
"Certainly," was the reply, "that's where you must look for your twenty-four cents."
Mike settled his hat over his eyes, and walked out of the office with an air of defiance to the world in general, and the British Government in particular.
PURSUIT OF A LETTER BOX.
Timothy Boyle, entering the post-office one morning, and perceiving a clerk "taking a limited view of society" through the aperture technically called "general delivery," naturally supposed that the duties of this functionary included receiving as well as delivering, and accordingly handed him a letteradorned with the lineaments of the Father of his Country, (not Tim's,) and bearing upon its exterior this general exhortation to all whom it might concern,—"With spede."
The clerk directed Tim to deposit the document in the letter box.
"And whereisthe letther box?"
"Follow this railing," said the young man, "and you will find it round the corner;" meaning thereby the corner of the tier of boxes, which was surrounded by a neat railing.
On the strength of these instructions, Tim turned on his heel, dashed into the main street, ("with spede," as per letter,) and walked on vigorously till he arrived at a corner, which happened to be occupied as a tailor's shop.
"I want to put this letther in the box," said Tim, after looking about him in vain for any sign of such a receptacle.
"What box?" asked the tailor.
"What box would I put it in but the letther box?" replied Tim.
"Who sent you here after a letterbox?" said the tailor; "you must be a natural fool to suppose that we have any such thing here."
"Natheral fule or not, sir, I was towld by the clark at the post-office that I'd find the box round the corner, and shure this is a corner I've come to, and if it isn't here, I don't know where I'll find it."
"You'd better go back to the post-office," said the tailor, "and see whether the clerk can make you understand where to put your letter."
So the unlucky Tim left the tailor's shop with the impression that he had been made a goose of by the post-office clerk, and by "nursing his wrath to keep it warm," he succeeded in bringing it to the boiling point, by the time that he again entered the office.
"And it's a purty thrick ye've bin a playin' me, Misthur Clark," he vociferated, "sendin' me to a tailor's shop for aletther box! Bad luck to ye, what for did ye put me to all this throuble?"
The clerk blandly explained to Mr. Boyle that the "throuble" was caused by his own impetuosity, not to say stupidity, and finally succeeded in describing the locality of the letter box in such a lucid manner, that even Tim was guided by his direction to the much desired spot, and it is to be hoped that the letter in question underwent no more such vicissitudes, before it reached its destination.
AN "EXTRA" CUSTOMER
An Irish dame entered the post-office at——, and walking up to the post master with a letter in one hand, and a three cent piece in the other, she committed them both to his charge, inquiring, "will the letther go?"
"Certainly it will," was the reply.
"But is it in time for the extra?"
"In time for thewhat?" asked the mystified post master.
"Is this letther in time for theextra?" repeated the woman.
"What do you mean by extra," rejoined the official.
"I mane, is thebaggageput up?" replied the persevering questioner.
The post master, seeing that the good woman was so thoroughly posted up in all the details of letter-sending, informed her categorically that the letterwould go, inasmuch as it was in time for the "extra," and the "baggage" wasnot"put up."
Hereupon the inquisitive lady, having been fully satisfied in her own mind that the epistle would not fail of the "extra," sailed out of the office a happier, if not a wiser woman.
TO MY GRANDMOTHER.
A little bright eyed, flaxen-haired boy, was one day observed to enter the vestibule of the post-office at Washington, with a letter in his hand, and to wait very modestly for the departure of the crowd collected about the delivery window. As soon as the place was cleared, he approached the letter box and carefully deposited his epistle therein, lingering near as if to watch over the safety of the precious document. His motions attracted the attention of the clerk stationed at the window, whose curiosity induced him to examine the superscription of the letter just deposited by the little fellow. The address on the letter was simply, "To my dear Grandmother, Louisiana;" doubtless some good old lady, whose memory, in the mind of her innocent grandchild, was redolent of cake and candy, and all the various "goodies" which grandmothers are generally so ready to supply, to say nothing of the various well meant offices of kindness, to which their sometimes blind affection prompts them. "Look here, my little man," said the clerk, "what is your grandmother's name, and where does she live?"
"Why, she's my grandma, and she lives in Louisiana."
"Yes, I see that on the letter, but it will never get to her if her name isn't put on, and the place where she lives."
"Well, please put it on, sir."
"But I shall not know what her name is, unless you tell me."
"Why, sir, she's my grandma,—don't you know her? She used to live at my house."
After the display of considerable ingenuity on the part of the clerk, and a good deal of innocent evasion by the child, the old lady's name and place of residence were finally ascertained, and added to the address; after which the little one went on his way, rejoicing in the assurance given by the clerk that now his "dear grandmother" would certainly receive the important epistle from her darling.