"You would shed tears If you onley could see wat a smart peart little boy you have hear what a sham It Is to think that A sensable man should leave a wife and a child that Is got as much sense as he has—and people say he is as much like you as he can be he has got the pretys black eyes I have ever seen In any ones head he has an eye like a hawk."
"You would shed tears If you onley could see wat a smart peart little boy you have hear what a sham It Is to think that A sensable man should leave a wife and a child that Is got as much sense as he has—and people say he is as much like you as he can be he has got the pretys black eyes I have ever seen In any ones head he has an eye like a hawk."
Thus is theargumentum ad hominemsupplied by woman's instinct. Fatherly pride was called upon to effect that to which conjugal affection was inadequate.
A Windfall for Gossipers—Suit for Slander—Profit and Loss—The Resuscitated Letter—Condemned Mail Bag—An Epistolary Rip Van Winkle.
Incountry villages, where few events happen to interrupt the monotony of every day life, the occurrence of an out-of-the-way incident is like seed sown in a fertile soil, producing a fruitful crop of speculations and surmises, and affording food for conversation for many a day to the eager gossip-hunters who abound in such small places.
About thirty years ago, the quiet town of Lebanon, in the State of Connecticut, was enlivened by one of these occurrences, which brought a new influx of curiosity-mongers to the blacksmith's shop; covered all the barrels, boxes, and counters in the store with eager disputants, and gave new life to the Sewing Society, and its auxiliary "tea-fights." The cause of this unwonted moving of the waters, was on this wise:
Mr. Jonathan Little, a well known New York merchant, while on a summer visit to Lebanon, his native place, mailed at that office a letter directed to the firm of which he was a member, and containing bank-notes to the amount of one thousand dollars. The letter failing to arrive at its destination, and Special Agents being as yet unknown, Mr. Little advertised in several papers, describing the money lost, and offering a reward for its recovery. This, however, producedno results, and the tide of speculation and discussion rose to its highest pitch.
The loss of the bewildering sum of one thousand dollars naturally stimulated the imaginative powers of the Lebanonians, and, hurried away by his zeal, or perhaps by a wish to appear sagacious, Mr. Roger Bailey, the brother of the Lebanon post master, while in conversation with several persons, incautiously asserted that Amasa Hyde, the post master at Franklin, (the next town to Lebanon on the route to New York,) had taken the letter, adding, "He's just such a fellow."
The by-standers were rather astonished at this bold charge, impeaching as it did the integrity of a man whose character had always been above suspicion. That "bird of the air" which is always ready to "carry the matter," soon diffused the information that Amasa Hyde was supposed to be the delinquent. This gentleman being indisposed to leave his reputation at the mercy of "thousand-tongued Rumor," which personage could not easily be brought before a jury, instituted inquiries for the purpose of discovering the originator of these injurious reports. He succeeded in tracing them to their source, and sued the unwary Bailey for slander. Mr. B., by the verdict of the jury, was compelled to pay some seven hundred dollars and costs, for the pleasure of expressing his opinion.
This, however, is but an episode in the history of the lost letter. After a while the excitement died away, and Mr. Little found it necessary to place the thousand dollars to the account of "Profit and Loss," especially the latter.
The theory was once advanced by an acute genius, and applied to the case of a tea-kettle inadvertently dropped into the ocean, that "a thing isn't lost when you know where it is." But the subject in hand seems to show that a thing isn't always lost, if youdon'tknow where it is. For, about two years after the occurrences above mentioned, the missing letter came to light with all its valuable contents. And this resuscitationtook place, not in Lebanon, nor in Franklin, but in the New London post-office!
It appears that the mail bag which contained the letter, was found, on its arrival at New London, so much worn as to be unsafe, and was accordingly condemned by the post master and thrown aside as useless, having first, of course, been emptied of its contents, as was supposed. Two years subsequently, a quantity of old mail bags and other rubbish was removed from the office, and the letter in question took the opportunity to drop out, and return, an epistolary Rip Van Winkle, to the world whence it had retired for so long a time.
VALENTINES.
Their Origin—Degeneration—Immoral Influence—Incitement to Dishonesty.
WhoSaint Valentine was, is not much to the purpose in this place. We will give him credit for having been, however, a very excellent and highly respectable individual. We must therefore utterly protest against the custom which has obtained of late years, making him the tutelary Saint of innumerable silly lovers, mean mischief-makers, and vulgar letter-writers generally.
Unfortunately for the reputation of this inoffensive Bishop, the day noted in the calendar as sacred to his blessed memory, happens to be that on which, according to the auld-wives' legends of Merrie England, there is a universal marrying and giving in marriage among the feathered tribes. The Fourteenth of February seems rather bleak for a grand wedding festival at which any birds but snow birds are expected to attend; but we suppose we must respect the tradition. It seems early too for imitative lads and lasses, who should wait until the warm spring approaches;
and when all nature is bathed afresh in light and love, and inspired with new life.
But, says a French writer, the divine faculty which distinguishes man from the brutes, is the capacity to drink when he is not thirsty, and to make love at all seasons of the year. Whether this "divine faculty" is a God-gift, or a perversion and abuse, the legitimate fruit of the sad tree of knowledge of good and evil, we will not stop to discuss. Man has it in full exercise; and however the birds may grumble at being obliged to hurry up their matrimonial cakes under the very beard and brow of winter, Cupid will be found—like the classical clothes-brusher and job-waiter—"nunquam non paratus"—always ready at your service.
The probability is that the human custom of choosing mates about this time, is more ancient than the notion touching the pairing of birds, and that the latter is a mere fable, suggested by the former. Some commentator on Shakspeare has traced it back "to a pagan custom of the same kind during the Lupercalia feasts of Pan and Juno, celebrated in the month of February by the Romans. We are further told that, the anniversary of St. Valentine happening in this month, the pious promoters of Christianity placed this custom under his patronage in order to indicate the notion of its pagan origin." Unhappy St. Valentine! But we must remember that formerly there was something sweet and poetical in the choosing of mates. Now we are thrilled with tender emotions when poor Ophelia sings her
"Good morrow to St. Valentine's-day."
But somehow, romance dies out in our material age; and beautiful superstitions give place either to cold practical knowledge, or degenerate into farcical caricatures. What a difference between the rapturous and bashful exchange of vows pledged by the youth and maidens in good old times, before reading and writing came in fashion, and the celebrated Valentine composed by the younger Mr. Weller! The vulgarizationof the custom has been gradual. Instead of the song-singing invitations to love, under cold windows,
"All in the morning betime,"
lovers began, in the course of human progress, to indite gentle missives to their sweethearts, and to receive autograph replies. This improved method was eagerly adopted by all such as dared not give verbal utterance to their sweet passion, as well as by those who had private malice to vent, and sneaking insults to offer. Then arose the manufacture and merchandise of Valentines, which has of late become so important a branch of industry.
From early in February until late in March, our toy shops and periodical and fancy "depots" appear to traffic mainly in these exceptionable articles. Their windows flame with the vulgar trash. On every corner "Valentines!" "Valentines!" stare us in the face. Some are very choice and costly; we see now and then one inlaid in a rich casket, and prized at twenty-five or even fifty dollars. Others are made of fine fancy paper, adorned with flowers in water colors, or prettily filigreed; with a scroll in the center for the verses expressive of the sender's sentiments.
But the softer heads that indulge in these expensive trifles, are comparatively few. A cheaper luxury satisfies our economical sentimentalists. All kinds of coarsely ornamented note-paper, and large square awkward envelopes, find their ready patrons. Every taste is suited, from the sickliest fastidiousness, to the most clownish ambition for flashy colors and tawdry designs.
In opposition to the sentimental Valentines, we have the gross caricatures which have done more than anything else of this kind to disgust the common sense and good taste of community. It would seem that only the most vulgar minds could be attracted by these; yet the large traffic in them shows that vulgarity is an extensive element in the popular character. No matter how indelicate and disgusting one of these specimensof low invention may be, some fool will be found to purchase it, and send it to another individual whom he either wishes to insult or expects to amuse.
In this way all sorts of printed immoralities obtain circulation. In this way cowards take revenge for imaginary slights or dignified rejections. In this way, for about two or three weeks in each year, some altogether harmless and well-meaning people have been subjected to gross annoyances and serious taxes for postage. Thanks to the law-makers, the advance pay requisition will hereafter put a stop to that species of petty swindling.
Year after year the same foolish figures and senseless mottos are forwarded from the same simpletons to the same victims. We know a musician who for three successive seasons has received that witched caricature, representing a shape—
"If shape it could be called that shape had none,—"
all nose and moustache, blowing a trombone considerably larger than himself.
Our dentist usually enjoys a visit from a caricature suited tohisprofession—a tooth-drawer with his little head in a vast chasm representing a young lady's mouth. He has learned to expect it; he good-naturedly looks for it, about Valentine's day; and merely opening it when it comes, to see that it is the right one, he quietly tosses it into the fire.
This Valentine sending is a custom like that of a certain drunken revel once popular in Denmark,—"More honored in the breach than in the observance." It is ignored by good society. And as for the victimized, it is a mark of common sense to bestow every Valentine into the grate, unopened, as soon as received.
It is estimated that not less than half a million of these worse than worthless missives pass through the post-offices annually. The cost to the parties purchasing them, forms an aggregate of about $200,000. Over and above this expense is the postage, which is sometimes double, triple, or even four orfive times the ordinary rates of single letter postage. Formerly many were unpaid, and often persons to whom they were addressed, indignantly refused to take them from the office. Thus were the mails not only uselessly encumbered with the vile trash, but quantities of the "rejected addresses" were subjected to the formality of visiting the Dead Letter Office, where they finally met with that destruction they so clearly merited. This abuse of the post-office privileges is unworthy of any nation above the capacity of monkeys.
The immoralities circulated and encouraged by Valentines cannot be estimated. Statistics would fail to arrive at the amount of vice engendered by this pernicious breed. One of the worst evils that owe their origin to this cause, is the temptation laid in the way of post-office clerks. A Valentine is often the first provocation to crime. Numerous instances have come under the observation of the writer, in which persons convicted of robbing the mails, trace back their transgressions to no more serious a fault than that of peeping into one of these silly missives. They are often carelessly sealed, and easily opened by third parties without discovery.
Imagine a young man intrusted with the care of a village post-office. He is interested in Miss A. He believes she encourages his sentiments. He hopes her proud father will some day encourage him as an eligible suitor for his daughter's hand. Still he is subject to desponding and jealous doubts. And when, one evening in the middle of February, a Valentine addressed to his paragon strikes his eye as he is assorting the mails, an indescribable pang shoots through his heart. He wonders who sent it. Tom Bellows is at first suspected, but the hand-writing differs from Tom's. "Can it be Robert Cartwright?" says the distressed clerk. "He is partial to Miss A., and she seems pleased with him. What can he be writing to her?"
Such thoughts perplex the young man's brain. The Valentine is not taken from the office that evening; and when all is quiet, he draws it once more out of the box, and again examinesthe superscription. It is certainly Cartwright's writing. "O dear!" sighs the clerk, "how easy I could open it, and nobody know it!" Aching with curiosity, but calling moral principle and self-denial to his aid, he returns the missive to the box, and goes to bed. But sleep is out of the question. He is awake, thinking about the Valentine, and those supposed to be immediately interested therein. "I wonder if Icouldopen it!" he says to himself. "I've half a mind to try."
He gets up, strikes a light, and a moment later the Valentine is in his hand. "If it comes open," says he, "I'll seal it again without reading it. I only want to see if it can be done without having it show afterwards." Instantly he starts back. The Valentine is open! Really, he did not mean to do it; it came open so much easier than he expected! Although it is night, and he is alone, he cannot help looking over his shoulder to assure himself that the grim individual watching him, exists only in his imagination. "Well," thinks he, "it's done, and who knows it? What's the harm, as long as I'm going to seal it up again?—and after all, I don't see that it will be much worse just to see if there is any name to it, provided I don't read the rest."
Thus excusing himself, he profanes the sacred interior of the missive, and finds the suspicious signature—"Robert." Trembling at the temptation to read more, he hastily folds the sheet, and returns it to the envelope. But the next moment it is out again, and he is reading with flushed cheek and burning eye, the tender words that Robert C. has written to Miss A.
"All this hath a little dashed his spirits;" and he returns to bed feverish and restless. In spite of his reason, which keeps saying stoutly, "what's the harm? nobody will know it," he suffers greatly in conscience. But the Valentine is taken from the office, and the profanation of its mystery remains unsuspected. And in a few days another Valentine appears, addressed to Robert Cartwright. The hand-writing,although disguised, is alarmingly like Miss A.'s. By this time the clerk's jealousy has eaten up his conscience.
"There's no more harm in opening two than in opening one," whispers the devil in his ear.
"I believe you," says the clerk; "but I may yet be found out."
"No danger," says the devil; "only be careful."
He is too ready to adopt the suggestion. He is excusable, he thinks, under the circumstances. The Valentine is accordingly opened and read. Deliberation and forethought add gravity to the offence. The clerk has unconsciously blunted his moral perceptions, and weakened his moral strength; and he is now prepared to open regular letters passing through his hands. At first it is jealousy and rivalry that tempt his curiosity. Then other matters of interest entice him, until one day he discovers, in no little consternation, that he has thrust his fingers into a nest of bank-notes!
"Well, after all," says he, "Mr. B. is rich; he won't mind the loss; it's only a trifle with him. While to me, the sum is considerable. If I don't keep up appearances with Bob Cartwright, I might as well be out of the world. I've a right to live; and destroying this letter and appropriating itscontents, is just nothing at all, if I don't get found out. But I'm safe enough—I'm the very last person to be suspected."
The career of this young man need not be traced further.
Nor need the subject of Valentines be pursued. We have written enough to show that they are the offspring of weak sentimentalism or foolish buffoonery; an encumbrance to the mails, an annoyance to those who receive them, a tax to all parties, and a temptation to post-office clerks; and withal, imbecilities and immoralities which all worthy citizens should take every occasion to discountenance, and banish from civilized society.
THE CLAIRVOYANT DISCOVERY.
Ashort time after the detection of the New Haven mail robber, a gentleman from the town of W. called upon the post master at Hartford, to say that he had some weeks since mailed a letter at the post-office in the town where he resided, addressed to a firm in Hartford; and containing a sum of money, and that the letter had never been received.
On examining his records, the post master ascertained that no bill had been received from the office where the letter was mailed corresponding with the date of the mailing, and that consequently the letter, so far as his records could show, had never reached his office.
As the time of this loss happened at the period when the mail robber was committing depredations from day to day, and as the post-bill was missing, the Hartford post master expressed the opinion that the letter had very probably fallen into the hands of the mail robber, although New Haven was off the route on which the letter should go, and the package of letters could not have got there without having been mis-sent.
This theory was entirely unsatisfactory to the gentleman who mailed the letter, and he left Hartford with the conviction that he would be compelled to endure the loss of his money with such philosophy as he could summon to his aid.
But hope soon succeeds fear, as daylight follows darkness,and before many days the gentleman in search of his money again called at the post-office in Hartford, that being the important port in his voyage of discovery.
It was very evident that his mind was somewhat "exercised," and the ominous tone in which he requested the post master to meet him immediately, at room No. —— at the hotel where his name was entered, made it clear that a revelation of no slight importance was about to be made.
The post master told him he would accompany him immediately, and started with his eager friend for the appointed place. During their walk nothing was said on the great subject-matter, probably because it was deemed too solemn in its nature to be broached amid the bustle and jar of a crowded street.
The hotel was soon reached, and the communicator of the "latest intelligence" ascended the stairs to the room where the gentleman accompanying him would be called on to listen to the disclosures about to be made, and take such action thereon as circumstances might seem to require.
After pointing solemnly to a chair, declaring by such dumb show that he desired the post master to be seated, and then taking a chair himself and sitting thereon so as to face the person with whom he was conversing, he deliberately asked—
"Do you believe in clairvoyance?"
What an unexpected question! And how should such a question be noticed? Certain it was that among all the laws in relation to the Post-Office Department, and the rules and regulations for its government, minute and circumstantial as they were, not one word could be found instructing the officers of this branch of Government what they should do in the matter of clairvoyance. Even Ben Franklin himself, who was "par excellence" the electrical Post Master General, had never issued an order bearing on this subtle subject. And here, in this hotel room, where, at a great many different times, a great many different kinds of spirits had entered a great many different kinds of persons, this official in a great businessDepartment, dealing constantly with the practicalities of life, and without law, rules, or regulations to tell him what he should do in the emergency, was met with the question proposed, in a sepulchral voice,—"Do you believe in clairvoyance?"
Was it his duty to discuss with the questioner the "Odic force," and "Biology" and "Psychology," and all the other theories connected with the doctrines of spiritualism? Must post masters be also masters of mental science, and of things in heaven and earth never dreamed of in the philosophy of the great mass of mankind? Because they have to deal with the transmission of intelligence to different parts of the earth, must they also take charge of intelligence coming from unknown regions, "out of space, out of time?"
The question, however, was before him, and the post master replied that he had heard of some strange things connected with clairvoyance.
Seemingly satisfied with this reply, the gentleman went on to say that he had been very anxious to know what had become of his letter, and had therefore consulted a clairvoyant.
Some locations are blessed with a gifted seer, or more generallyseeress, whose mind at inspired intervals is a complete "curiosity shop" of the universe—who can tell the whereabouts of a lost thimble or teaspoon, who can inform the anxious inquirer who committed the last murder, and who can describe to eager listeners the manner in which people conduct voiceless conversation in Saturn, and how they fight in Mars, and how they make love in Venus. Or the gifted one, descending rapidly to earth, can prescribe a remedy for any ill that flesh is heir to,—and all these wonders are performed for a moderate pecuniary compensation, and with the praiseworthy object of aiding and enlightening "suffering humanity."
Our inquiring friend was so fortunate as to reside in one of these localities, and his mission to the post master was that of rehearsing the discoveries of the Priestess.
He stated that the information given by the clairvoyant lady was so minute and distinct as to leave a strong impression of its truthfulness on his mind. That she traced the letter from the time it was put in the office—saw it placed in the mail bag, saw the bag taken from the office, saw every station where it stopped—saw it taken into the Hartford office—saw it opened there, saw a clerk take the letter, open it, and on finding that it contained a number of bank-bills, put said letter in a drawer of his, and then lock the drawer.
Farther than this, the Seeress declared that said clerk wore large whiskers, and a large gold ring, and that he resided in Front Street.
In addition to these facts the lady declared that the letter thus opened, with the bills still in it, was yet remaining in the locked drawer of the delinquent clerk.
Having carefully repeated this train of circumstantial evidence, pointing so distinctly to a certain culprit, the gentleman then commenced interrogating the head of the Hartford post-office:—
"Have you, sir," said he, "a clerk in your employment who wears whiskers?"
The witness was compelled, on the part of some of his clerks at least, to plead guilty to this first count in the indictment from an invisible Grand Jury. As whiskers are not an expensive article of luxury, even post-office clerks can afford to wear them.
"Have you," continued the counsel for the unknown prosecutor, "a clerk who wears large whiskersanda large gold ring?"
The reply to this query was not equally satisfactory, for the witness averred that his clerks were decidedly not given to jewelry; and as to gold, they felt that they could invest it more usefully than in the purchase of mammoth finger-rings.
"Have you," continued the pertinacious querist, "a clerk who lives in Front Street?"
Here again the answer was not gratifying, for the witnessdeclared that to the best of his knowledge, no clerk of his had, whether with or without whiskers, or whether with or without a stupendous finger-ring, made Front Street illustrious by residing therein.
Notwithstanding the discrepancy, the gentleman went on with his inquiries:—
"Have you a clerk in your employment who has a drawer of which he keeps the key?"
The reply to this question was such as to meet the wishes of the querist, and he was told that there was more than one such clerk in his office.
"Then," said the gentleman, "I demand that you have those drawers opened, and their contents examined!"
Notwithstanding the urgent desire of the person who had reposed such confidence in the revelations of the female informer, the post master peremptorily declined to take a single step implying a doubt as to the integrity of his clerks, on the mere strength of clairvoyant testimony.
Argument was in vain, and the disappointed letter seeker left Hartford, thinking in all probability that General Pierce would have done better to have given the charge of the office there to some person more willing to accommodate the public!
Some time after this, the Special Agent met the post masters of New Haven and Hartford, in pursuance of instructions from the Department, for the purpose of distributing the funds taken from the depredator, among those who had lost by the robberies.
On examining the money found on the person of the robber, there were discovered the seven bank-bills, all of one denomination, lost by our clairvoyant-seeking friend! The bills not only agreed with his description, but, what made the case still stronger, was the fact that no other bills of the same denomination and bank were claimed by any other party.
How it was that "the Spirits" gave the distinguished seeress such a complete tissue of falsehoods, will probably remain unknown until the "new philosophy" becomes betterunderstood, or until the Spirit of Franklin, who it is said presides over communications from the upper spheres, appoints some Special Agent to investigate the causes of failure.
The gentleman who unexpectedly regained his money, may still entertain his old affection for clairvoyance, but he cannot deny that the poet was right when he exclaimed,
POETICAL AND HUMOROUS ADDRESSES UPON LETTERS.
Theexterior, as well as the interior of a letter is sometimes made the vehicle of sentiment, affection, wit, fun, and the like, which, thus riding as outside passengers, display their beauties to the gaze of those connected with post-offices. In such instances, it may be that the writer's ideas, gushing from his pen, have overflowed their bounds, and spread themselves upon the usually dry surface of the epistle. It must be a pleasing relief to post-office clerks, wearied with the monotonous task of turning up innumerable names, to find the flowers of fancy and imagination supplanting the endless catalogue of Smiths and Browns which ordinarily meet their eyes. Below are a few specimens of these embellished addresses.
The first is probably from some home-sick miner. It was mailed at San Francisco, California. His wife and children have no doubt derived, long ere this, the pleasure which he anticipated for them, in the perusal of the letter:—
The address followed, in plain prose.
Here is a specimen in a less elevated strain:—
The following seems to have been the superscription to a dun, written "more in sorrow than in anger."
The street and number were subjoined; but it is to be feared that the "old hoss" proved hard-bitted, and would have nothing to do with "checks," except those in his favor.
This is apparently an outpouring of the sorrows of a victim to the Maine law, and was mailed in that state:—
(The address was in prose.)
Address on a Valentine:
The following address was found on a missive which passed through the New York office on or about the 14th of February, and was secured with a seal representing Cupid taking aim at one of his victims with a revolver:
The town and state were in prose.