CANTO I.OURSELF!

GreatDoctor Caustic is a sageWhose meritgildsthisironage,And who deserves, as you’ll discoverWhen you have conn’d this canto over,For grand discoveries and inventions,A dozen peerages and pensions;But, having met with rubs and breakers,From Perkins’ metal mischief makers;With but three halfpence in his pocket,In verses blazing like sky rocket,He first sets forth in this petitionHishighdeserts butlowcondition.

GreatDoctor Caustic is a sage

Whose meritgildsthisironage,

And who deserves, as you’ll discover

When you have conn’d this canto over,

For grand discoveries and inventions,

A dozen peerages and pensions;

But, having met with rubs and breakers,

From Perkins’ metal mischief makers;

With but three halfpence in his pocket,

In verses blazing like sky rocket,

He first sets forth in this petition

Hishighdeserts butlowcondition.

Fromgarret high, with cobwebs hung,The poorest wight that ever sung,Most gentle Sirs, I come before ye,To tell a lamentable story.What makes my sorry case the sadder,I once stood high on Fortune’s ladder;[1]From whence contrive the fickle jilt did,That your petitioner should be tilted.And soon th’ unconscionable flirt,Will tread me fairly in the dirt,Unless, perchance, these pithy laysProcure mepenceas well aspraise.Already doom’d to hard quill-driving,’Gainst spectred poverty still striving,When e’er I doze, from vigils pale,Dame Fancy locks me fast in jail.Necessity, though I am no wit,Compels me now to turn a poet;Notborn, butmade, by transmutation,And chymick process, call’d—starvation!Though poet’s trade, of all that I know,Requires the least of ready rhino,I find a deficit of cash isAn obstacle to cutting dashes.For gods and godesses, who trafficIn cantos, odes, and lays seraphic,Who erst Arcadian whistle blew sharp,Or now attune Apollo’s jews-harp,Have sworn they will not loan me, gratis,Their jingling sing-song apparatus,Nor teach me how, nor where to chime inMytintinabulumof rhyming.[2]What then occurs? A lucky hit—I’ve found a substitute for wit;On Homer’s pinions mounting high,I’ll drink Pierian puddle dry.[3]Beddoes (bless the good doctor) hasSent me a bag full of his gas,[4]Which snuffed the nose up, makes wit brighter,And eke a dunce an airy writer.With this a brother bard, inflated,Was so stupendously elated,He tower’d, like Garnerin’s balloon,Nor stopp’d, like half wits, at the moon:But scarce had breath’d three times before heWas hous’d in heaven’s high upper story,[5]Where mortals none but poets enter,Above where Mah’met’s ass dar’d venture.Strange things he saw, and those who know himHave said that, in his Epic Poem,[6]To be complete within a year hence,They’ll make a terrible appearance.And now, to set my verses going,Like “Joan of Arc,” sublimely flowing,I’ll follow Southey’s bold exemple,And snuff a sconce full, for a sample.Good Sir, enough! enough already!No more, for Heaven’s sake!—steady!—steady!Confound your stuff!—why how you sweat me!I’d rather swallow all mount Etna!How swiftly turns this giddy world round,Like tortur’d top, by truant twirl’d round;While Nature’s capers wild amaze me,The beldam’s crack’d or Caustic crazy![7]I’m larger grown from head to tailThan mammoth, elephant, or whale!—Now feel a “tangible extension”Of semi-infinite dimension!—Inflated with supreme intensity,I fill three quarters of immensity!Should Phœbus come this way, no doubt,But I could blow his candle out!This earth’s a little dirty planet,And I’ll no longer help to man it,But off will flutter, in a tangent,And make a harum scarum range on’t!Stand ye appall’d! quake! quiver! quail!For lo I stride a comet’s tail!If my deserts you fail t’ acknowledge,I’ll drive it plump against your college!But if your Esculapian bandApproach my highness, cap in hand,And show vast tokens of humility,I’ll treat your world with due civility.But now, alas! a wicked wagHas pull’d away the gaseous bag:From heaven, where thron’d, like Jove I sat,I’m fall’n! fall’n! fall’n! down, flat! flat! flat![8]Thus, as the ancient story goes,When o’er Avernus flew the crows,They were so stench’d in half a minute,They giddy grew and tumbled in it:And thus a blade, who is too handyTo help himself to wine or brandy,At first gets higher, then gets lower,Then tumbles dead drunk on the floor!Such would have been my sad case, ifI’d taken half another tiff;And even now, I cannot swear,I’m not as mad as a March hare!How these confounded gases serve us!But Beddoes says that I am nervous,And that this oxyd gas of nitreIs bad for such anervouswriter!Indeed, Sir, Doctor, very odd it isThat you should deal in such commodities,Which drive a man beside his wits,And women to hysteric fits![9]Now, since this wildering gas inflationIs not the thing for inspiration,I’ll take a glass of cordial gin,Ere my sad story I begin;And then proceed with courage stout,From “hard-bound brains” to hammer outMy case forlorn, in doleful ditty,To melt your worships’ hearts to pity.Sirs, I have been in high condition,A right respectablePhysician;And passed, with men of shrewd discerning,For wight of most prodigious learning;For I could quote, with flippant ease,Grave Galen and Hippocrates,Brown, Cullen, Sydenham and such men,Besides ashoalof learned Dutchmen.[10]In all disorders was so clever,From tooth ache, up to yellow fever,That I by learned men was reckon’dDon Esculapius the second!No case to me was problematic;Pains topical or symptomatic,From aching head, to gouty toes,The hidden cause I could disclose.Minute examiner of Nature,And most sagacious operator,I could descern, prescribe, applyAnd cure[11]disease in louse’s eye.And insects smaller, ten degreesThan those which float in summer’s breeze,Drugg’d with cathartics and emetics,Then doctor’d off with diuretics.I had a curious little lancet,Your worship could not help but fancy it,By which I show’d with skill surprising,The whole art offlea-botomizing!—And with it oft inoculated(At which friend Jenner’ll be elated)Flies, fleas, and gnats, with cow-pock matter,And not onesoultook small-pox a’ter!—Could take a microscopic mite,Invisible to naked sight;Ad infinitum, could divide it,For timesunnumber’dhave I tried it.With optic glass, of great utility,Could make the essence of nihilityTo cut a most enormous figure,As big as St Paul’s church, or bigger!Could tell, and never be mistaken,What future oaks were in an acorn;And even calculate, at pleasure,The cubic inches they would measure.Scotland could never boast a wight,Could matchOURSELFat second sight.[12]Nor Wales a wizard, who so wellCould destiny’s decrees foretel.For we’d a precious knack at seeing,Not only matters not in being,But ever and anon would still beForeseeing things which never will be—[13]Great manufacturer of weatherNine Lapland witches, clubb’d together,With all the elements a stewing,Are not our match at tempest brewing.For many a popular almanac,Within say half a century back,We foretold every shine and stormWhich heaven can burnish or deform.Though no two calendars agreed,All were infallible indeed;Of course no conjurer can stand higherThan Caustic as a prophesier.Discover’d worlds within the paleOf tip-end of a tadpole’s tail,And took possession of the sameIn our good friend, SirJoseph’sname;[14]And soon shall publish, by subscription,A topographical descriptionOf worlds aforesaid, which shall go forthInfool’scap folio, gilt, and so forth,—Could tell how far a careless flyMight chance to turn this globe awry,If flitting round, in giddy circuit,With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it!—[15]The mystic characters of Nature,We read like Spurtzheim or Lavater,To us her lineaments are labels,Which stare like capitals on play bills.From bearings of the different osses,And shapes of forehead, chin, proboscis,The frons and occiput’s topography,Can write a man’s complete biography.Have drawn nine million diagrams,Which wags denominate flim flams,Though worth your worshipful relianceFor shortest outlines of the science.By dint of scientific thumpsMade famous phrenologic bumps,And always found the effect was greaterThan when such bumps were made by nature.Developements, thus manufactured,Caused many a thick skull to be fracturedBut pity well deserves defianceWhen e’er she thwarts the march of science.Thus Rousseau, Voltaire, Paine, and others,Our revolutionizing brothers,Got up French freedom’s cruel farces,And made worse bumps than ours in masses.And Godwin, too, in substance said,Our bodies politic must be bled;Man’s only mode of meliorationIs doctoring off one generation,—[16]And substituting in its placeA spotless super-human race,Pure as an unborn infant’s dream,Of moonshine made, and moved by steam.We have for sale the seeds of bumps,Which, dibbled in the heads of gumps,Take root without the aid of thumpsAnd grow as large as camels’ humps.Can take a wicked ugly tyke,And every organ we dislikePull out or drive in, at a venture,Thus change each bump to an indenture.Protuberantdestructiveness,Placed in our phrenologic press,Is render’d, by its power immense,Exuberantbenevolence.In infancy, in half a trice,We thus extinguish every vice,Before it has had time to harden,As easily as weed a garden.We keep fine faculties ready made,Thus beat dame Nature at her tradeOf manufacturing mental powers,For hers are not half up to ours.We make a thing we callNousometer,Or Phrenological Micrometer;The grand quintessence of inventionsFor measuring the mind’s dimensions.This shows men’s vices and propensities,Their aggravations and intensities,By marks indelible, and plain-Ly legible as that on Cain.Nousometers, our hope and trust is,Will supersede our courts of justice,By proving guilt in all gradations,In style of Euclid’s demonstrations.To crown our cheap mode of convictionBy ready punishment’s infliction,The rabblement will string upgratisThe convicts of our apparatus.By said machine and foresaid books,Rogues, stigmatized withhanging looks,We whip and kick and hangad libitum,Or take the liberty to gibbet ’em.If you’re dissatisfied with that,Our all-efficientverbum satWillprestoraise almighty mobs,Inured to cruel dirty jobs.Those LL. D.s’ of Lynch’s law[17]Don’t value dignity a straw,Will thump your worships into chowderTo save expense of ropes and powder.Thosene plus ultrasof atrocity,By blind and tiger-like ferocityDisgraceful deeds and ruthless ravagesHave shown themselves outrageous savages.Yet, whereas Justice has’nt yet hung them,Nor showers of grape-shot rain’d among them,We’ll use the rogues, when we think best,For executing our behest.Thus reptiles of the worst descriptionsCoerced the obstinate Egyptians;And serpents erst by stings and bitesPunish’d backsliding Israelites.Judge Lynch, thou dephlegmated evil,Double distill’d essence of the devil,Total depravity, we wouldHit you still harder if we could.It makes one truly melancholicTo see your mobs, most diabolic,Plunder and murder, with impunity,Innocent members of community.You talk of liberty, what stuff!A mob’s a monarch, sure enough,And one true liberty most dreads,A tyrant with ten thousand heads.There is no despot in creationHowever high and firm his station,Who feels not more responsibilityThan Lynch’s terrible mobility.Our institutes of educationAre under moral obligationTo use said implement of oursFor graduating mental powers.This criminal and dunce detectorMay save from many a useless lecture,From toiling quarter after quarterIn filling riddle sieves with water.We license none for teaching schools,Unless by Gall’s and Spurzheim’s rulesWe find his sconce, in every section,Bears phrenological inspection.We apprehended Brougham’s schoolmaster,And took his head sheer off—in plaster,And found his bumps with ours accordBefore we let him “go abroad.”Our said mind-measurer may be setTo sound the cunningest coquette,And ascertain by mensurationThe limits of her inclination.Heu quantum suff, we are afraid thisDevelopement will shock the ladies;But, hush, my dears, for time to come,No mummy ever was more mum.Our far-famed system also suitsThe physiology of brutes;Its application never failsFrom mammoth down to snakes and snails.Have fourteen folios, stereotypesCall’d craniology of snipes,[18]All which will figure, with propriety,In annals of a learn’d society.As manufacturing PhrenologistOur articles need no apologist,Because our skill is ten times greater,As said before, than that of Nature.Nature, although in some things clever,Has but the fulcrum and the leverTo her friend Doctor Caustic given,To elevate this world to heaven.We have made many a clever notionTo perpetrate perpetual motionWhich went to perpetuity’s borders,Then stopp’d a bit for further orders.Though said machines would hardly traceThe farthest links of time or space,We never knew them fail to wendQuite to eternity’s hither end.For women, uglier than Gorgons,We manufacture beauty’s organs,And give them splendid shapes and facesWhich might be envied by the Graces.Pimples like pepper pods, warts like squashes,Vanish before our beauty washes;[19]By help of corsets, stays and boddices,We transform dowdies into goddesses.[20]Nice ladies’ minds we manufacture,Cast in a mould without a fracture,And sell the precious things in lots,An art we learn’d of Doctor Watts.And o’er the shop where these are made,In nine inch letters is portray’d,Fine female faculties form’d and furnished,With genteel educations burnished.This shop supplies the place, no doubt,Of seminaries talk’d about,But never put in operation,Fitted for female education.[21]We fabricate spruce dandy noddies,With souls adapted to their bodies,To wit so exquisitely smallThey might as well have none at all.[22]When we discern an abstract right,We press it ever main and might;Hold all correct, which suits our fancies,And never yield to circumstances.We cannot brook the serpentine,Our march is onward, one straight line,Nor flood nor fire impedes our way,Lickitacut—devil to pay!We prompt or sanction all proceduresOf Slavery-Abolition-Leaders,Who “go ahead” with more displayThan a whirlwind’s march o’er a dusty way.Though southern blacks, to all appearances,Are injured by our interferences,Still right is right, your most obedientCares not a fig about th’ expedient.Let loose the blacks at any rate,Without delay, without debate,Their clanging chains asunder snapSuddenly as by thunder clap.Huzza then, foramalgamationTo change our “dough-faced population,”In course of one more generation,To a nice copper-color’d nation.Reader it may be you’re a lady,Fair as the blush of morn in May day,—And not much smitten with our planOfunionwith acolor’dman.Bah! bah! my dear, I tell you this isThe silliest of prejudices;Cupid will duly elevate him,And Hymen will amalgamate him.Thus one Othello was, you know,Black as the plumage of a crow,And yet the white Miss DesdemonaLoved him as well as flies love honey.The car of Venus, bards have sung,Was drawn by doves, when I was young,But then, were black birds substituted,Ourself for one were better suited.We’re rather darkish hued ourself,Yet will annihilate the elf,Who says in earnest, or in jokesWe’re not as good as whiter folks.The onlycolorof objectionTo our saidtawnypredilectionIs this, ’t will ruin the machineryOf amatory poets’ scenery.Bright eyes, pink lips, and cheeks of roses,Lily-complexions, Grecian noses,Fine necks, and so forth, alabasters,No more be themes for poetasters.But then the Muse’s votary mayIn rhymes like these his fair portray,—My Phillis has a natural varnishWhich time nor accident can’t tarnish;No sickly, pale, unripen’d maid,“Dyed in the wool,” she cannot fade;Essence of ebony and logwood,And sweeter than the flowers of dogwood.Lives there a bard who would not gloryIn such epistles amatory,Possessing that uncommon quality,A sprinkling of originality.On advocates of colonizationShower demi-johns of indignation!—Annihilate the knaves and dolts,With Caustic’sPatent Thunderbolts!And, be it known, with due civility,To our Columbian nobility,Fewerblack heartsand moreblack facesWould much improve their waning races.To lose ourjettypopulationWould take theshinefrom our great nation,And make us all like old shoes, lackingA coat of Day and Martin’s blacking.We’re glad to find New England beautiesFor black men’s rights and white men’s dutiesEnlisting their resistless charms,For all men yield to ladies’ arms.Do, dears, make us your generalissimo,An all important trust that is, you know,And we the hero, who can fill itWith dazzling glory, if you will it.Bostonia’s beautiful brigade,With Doctor Caustic’s flag display’d,Suppose you make a general levyTo swell the columns of your bevy.Bright key-stones of the Social Arch,Left foot foremost, forward march!Ourspunkis up, our prowess ampleOnanti-unionrogues to trample.Ourself will lead the ladies’ army on,Charge at its head like Scott’s brave Marmion;You fight as angels fought beforeIn heaven, so Milton says, of yore.The swart south shivers like a leaf,M’Stuffie shoots himself for griefAt finding all resistance vain,As battling with a hurricane.We hold in utter execrationWhat ’s styled theTemperance Reformation.To live without good alcoholIs tantamount to tol-de-rol;—For nine tenths of our doctors’ feesFrom Bacchanalian devoteesAnd votaries of Sir Richard RumHave ever, and will ever come.Incipient inebriationFrom vinous alcoholizationIs indispensable now-a-daysTo make our patriotism blaze.Dinner harangues would be so so,Stump oratory would not goIf wine and whiskey did not aidThe speechifying and parade.And where’s the patriot, who boastsOf excellentcold watertoasts?If such things were, and had some merit,They must bedestitute of spirit.If Temperance should turn the scale,And total abstinence prevail,Rhyme-mongers would be flatter still,A million lines, not worth a mill.Lord Byron’s verse, so highly prized,Had fail’d to be immortalized,Unless the noble bard had beenExalted on the wings of gin.As to Anacreontic lays,A Moore could make no more displays,Ay, Thomas Moore could never moreMake Bacchanalians shout encore.If Temperance chaps wont suffer wineNor gin t’ inspire the maudlin nine,Some verse by critics dubb’d divineWill seem almost as flat as mine.Horace saysdulce est desipere,[23]Drink till your way home’s rather slippery,But don’t indulge in gross ebriety,Save in the very best society.The lower orders too, we think,Unless addicted to strong drink,Might rise to riches and renown,Thus turn society up side down.Let paupers, therefore, swig away,With gin and whiskey soak their clay,For beggars, somebody says or sings,When drunk as lords are rich as kings.And if by temperance and frugality,Shoe bindingshould be changed toquality,The mounting mobocratic massesMay over-topUS UPPER CLASSES.The readiest way to keep them downIs this, give every jade and clown“Lots” of intoxicating stuff,Gin, whiskey, and new rum enough;And in that case, I’ll bet my eyes,The rogues will never, never rise;Though placed in heaven, they could not failTo be Sir Richard Rum’s canaille.If ardent spirit is not handy,Cider’s almost as good as brandy,And strong beer serves to drench one’s dust,And keep alive the drunkard’s thirst.There’s nothing like intoxicationTo thin off extra population,And keep it at respectful distanceBehind the means of man’s subsistence.By your good leave, I question whetherWar, famine, pestilence, together,Could fill, of alcohol, the place,In doctoring off the human race.Then, paltry pauper, swig away,With gin and whiskey soak your clay,Till you’ve diluted it to mortar,Á filthy mass of mud and water.Drink till th’ experiment you makeOf how much liquid fire ’twill takeTo make a drunkard burn like tinder,And change a nuisance to a cinder.The devil, as Milton represented,Gunpowder, long ago invented;But genius always finds its level,And man, of course, has beaten the devil.The wight, who alcohol found out,Surpass’d the fiend, beyond a doubt;He, therefore, merits more renown,And ought to wear a hotter crown.We live on vegetable diet,And will not let a man be quiet,Unless the evidence is ampleThat he is copying our example.Though brother Graham, it is said,Stuffs christians with unbolted bread,Our bellytimber, quite as good,Is made of any kind ofwood.[24]You know the common farmer takesHis white oak wood for fencingstakes,But Lady Caustic fits in style,Superior white oaksteaks, to broil.She’s famous, too, forwhite oak cheese,Harder than granite, ten degrees;So hard that we’re obliged to take itTo some trip-hammer works to break it.Good hemlock bark philosophizedIn soup, by epicures is prized,A paste of button-wood, quoth I,Is cap-a-pie to cap a pie.A stick of bass-wood, being bevill’dBy gastronomic art bedevill’d,Or served as Welchmen cook their cheese,A man of taste will always please.From saw dust, bran and pebble stones,Andquantum suff.of pounded bones,We form the most delicious dishesThat e’er indulged the gourmand’s wishes.When our great plans are brought to pass,Mankinden massemay go to grass;And every rover, will moreover,Enjoy his lot like pig in clover.We next crave liberty to mentionAnother wonderful invention;A sort of stenographic still,Alias a Patent Author’s mill.We fill its hopper with a setOf letters of the alphabet,And turn out eulogies, orations,Or themes for July celebrations,—News, both domestic and extraneous,Essays, and extracts miscellaneous,We manufacture by the meansOf said superlative machines.This last invention also reachesTo making Congress members’ speeches;Would they adopt it, though we’ve said it,T’would cent per cent enhance their credit.We hammer’d out a lawyer’s jaw mill,Which went by water like a saw-millWith so much clamor, fire and fury,It thunderstruck the judge and jury.A syllogism, which embracesAll knotty, complicated cases,We fabricated and appliedTo every cause which could be tried.Oft have I quench’d man’s vital spark:“The soul’s old cottage,” cold and dark,Again, in spite of death, our grand ill,Illumed as one would light a candle.[25]Display’d a mode in Latin thesisTo pick the human frame to pieces;The parts deposit by themselves,Like mineral specimens on shelves;—And having scour’d off every particleWhich clogg’d the motions of the article,The vital functions to restoreTo healthier action than before.[26]Thus, brother Ovid said or sung once,The Gods ofoldfolks could makeyoungones[27]By process, not one whit acuter,Than makingnewpots from old pewter.So famed Aldini, erst in France,Led dead folks down a country-dance,And made them rigadoon and chasseAs well as when alive, I dare say!And I once offer’d, very prettily,To patch up Frenchmen kill’d in Italy,Though shot, or stabb’d, or hack’d with fell blows,As wives patch coats when out at elbows!Profoundly versed in chymic science,I could bid matter’s law defiance;Was up to nature, or beyond her,In mimic earthquakes, rain, and thunder![28]And by a shock of electricity,(I tell the truth without duplicity)I did (what won’t again be soon done)E’en fairly knock the man in the moon down![29]On ocean’s bottom we can travel,Thorough mud and thorough gravel;While over head hoarse tempests hurtleWith more adroitness than a turtle.Priestly first caused our head to teemWith this most eligible scheme,Supplied us vital air, which stuffWe took like macaroni snuff.[30]Encamp’d beneath a huge ice island,For nineteen years we didn’t come nigh land,And could have staid, as well as not,E’en had the sea been boiling hot.In car triumphant, drawn by whales,Tackled to their tremendous tails,We rode sublime, and claim’d a rightTo everything which hove in sight.Old Neptune’s realm, ’tis our intent,To make a Yankee-settlement,And if Britannia interferes[31]We’il twist her ugly lion’s ears.An Iceland burning mountain’s gorgeWe metamorphos’d to a forge,And made therein as many asTen thousand tons ofsolid gas.This we can let off at our leisure,Like Shakspeare’s conjurer, wield at pleasureThe explosive elements of thunder,With power to rive the globe asunder.And if the theory of Babbage[32]Is worth a single head of cabbage,This grand plenipotent gas of oursWill supersede all moving powers.With this will drive aerial cars,Send hourly coaches to the stars,A lightning opposition lineWould be a snail compared to mine.We seized the moon, by mickle strength,And brought her down, within arm’s length,—And made her, under our protection,Submit to critical inspection.Her Natural History and Topography,With plates of Pendleton’s lithography,We mean to print and publish soon,And call itMirror of the Moon.Like us, was never man besidesTo calculate aerial tides;Though Volney undertook to do itHe wanted science to go through it.[33]But we can let your worships knowWhich way, next year the wind will blow,And indicate without verbosity,The measure of its mean velocity.We gagg’d sage Darwin’s polar bear,And would not let him “vomit air;”[34]Thus spoil’d the Boreal ventilator,And made avacuumat the equator.And then, by Doctor Priestley’s aid,A vital atmosphere was made,And stretch’d abroad, and found to answer,From Capricorn quite on to Cancer.We set an air balloon in motionTo float on th’ atmospheric ocean,Annex’d a log, which never fail’d,To give the distance which it sail’d:And form’d a rudder, I assure it ye,By which we steer’d with great security,And could make good our destinationTo any harbor in creation.And we had nineteen pair of oars,All mann’d with philosophic rowers,Could therefore sail without a breeze,Or stem a hurricane with ease.[35]We now make public our intentionBy aid of said superb invention,To send a well arm’d air balloonTo take and colonize the moon.A most inveterate believerIn foreign source of yellow fever,We say his sconce must be fuliginous,Who holds that plague to be indigenous.As to th’ extent of its dominionWe’ll give our medical opinion;When next we greet your worships, pleaseTo give security for fees.This dire disorder is contagiousAnd its contagion is outrageous,[36]’Twill rage like wild-fire, anywhere,On dryest soil, in purest air.It is an animalcule, whichIs propagated like the itch,—Communicated like small pox,But can’t be bred in dirty docks.From patient’s breath an emanation,By contact or approximationIt may, as learned men have stated,Be everywhere disseminated.From friends infected, children, wives,Let all men scamper then, for lives;The wretches shun like Charon’s ferry,And leave the dead themselves to bury.’T is true some simpletons have saidA kind of fever may be bredBy heat conjoin’d with putrefaction,Which suits contagionists to a fraction.They tell you, if these causes mayProduce the plague in Africa,It would, to common sense, appearThey might effect the fever here.That true philosophy expectsFrom alllike causes like effects;For Nature never play’d a prankTo cheat us, like a mountebank.But these dull dolts don’t understandThat in “Columbia’s happy land,”Nature, for sake of “Freedom’s cause,”Will set aside her general laws.Said yellow fever can endureNothing offensive or impure,Bad water or mephitic airOr dead cats in a thoroughfare.Therefore, good cits, in sultry weatherCollect your dirtiness together,And then contrive to lodge it prettyNigh to the centre of the city.The fever, meeting such a mound,Will turn about and quit the ground,And leave the fortunate dirt-protectedInhabitants, quite uninfected.Filth, on earth’s surface, it is clear,Its like attracts from th’ atmosphere,And always leaves a pure vicinity,By laws of chemical affinity.[37]Our citizens, their next resourceShould cause a “social intercourse,”By perforating banks and bounds’Twixt vaults and wells and burying-grounds.For such good management ensuresAgainst expense in digging sewers;Because a well, ’tis very plain,Serve all its neighborhood for a drain.These things accomplish’d ’twill be veryCorrect their relatives to buryScarce under ground, in the most populousAnd busy part of the metropolis.For ’twould be decorous, at least.In memory of the dear deceased,At once to answer two good ends,Todrink toandto drinkour friends.Thus Artemisia, ’twas I think,Made her dead husband diet drink,And thereby, probably enough,Saved gallipots of doctor’s stuff.Proceed to scoop each populous place inTo something very like a basin,And let the centre of your martBe on or near the lowest part.Well, after all these things are finish’d,Let no man’s efforts be diminish’d,But this good maxim keep in view,That nought is done if aught’s to do.Then fall too, gentlemen, and grubUp every root and tree and shrub,Each trace of vegetation foundIn town and out, for ten miles round.Your “useful labors” to completeIn every square, side-walk and street,By way of ornament then pleaseTo set out Bohun Upas trees.If after all the fiend we findIs not to emigrate inclined,But like too many a foreign caitiffDeclares on oath he is a native,To counteract him, my advice isTo tow us down the polar ices,And when a field or two is brought us,’Twill drive him into winter quarters.This thing your worships well know canBe done on Doctor Darwin’s plan,And ’tis the best work, past a doubt,Our gun boats can be set about.Paulo majora nunc canamus,[38]And hope the public will not blame usIf we should soar, (’tis our intention,)Above your worship’s comprehension.We’ve form’d the most tremendous plan,Which ever stretch’d the mind of man,And which to nothing less aspiresThan making moons from central fires.If theories of Doctor HuttonBe worth the shadow of a button,And Doctor Darwin has not blunder’d,We’ll turn out full moons by the hundred.[39]We mean to bore us, at a venture,Some auger-holes through Hutton’s centre,Thus give an unexpected ventTo Hutton’s fires in prison pent.We’ll fan his furnace by a pairOf bellows made of Franklin’s air,[40]For air, (a truth Count Rumford knew well,)Contains the very soul of fuel.Then pour in suddenly the oceanTo add eclat to our explosion;—Water, your worships know, or may know,Adds terribly to a volcano.Each orifice will then give birthTo grand satellites of earth,Disploded dreadfully, dear me!Like Darwin’s moon from southern sea.How will the universe admire,When my vast bickering globes of fire,In grand Darwinian style shall rise,Like flying mountains through the skies.Though said sublime explosions mustDestroy good Doctor Burnet’s crust,[41]By Parker’s cement we’ll endeavor[42]To make his shell as good as ever.Now when we’ve made our batch of moons,Philosophers, unless they’re loons,Will, though we’re such a surly gnostic,Name one of them “Great Doctor Caustic!”These, among many, are but fewOf mighty things that I could do;All which I’ll state, if ’tis your pleasure,Much more at large when more at leisure.Now, it appears, from what I state here,My plans for mending human natureEntitle me to take the chairFrom Rousseau, Godwin, or Voltaire.They are of most immenseutility;All tend to man’s perfectibility;And if pursued, I dare to venture ye,He’ll be an angel in a century.Although St Pierre, a knowing chap,Deserves a feather in his capFor having boldly set his foot onThe foolish trash of Isaac Newton;[43]Contrived a scheme, which very nice is,For making tides of polar ices;And fed old Ocean’s tub with fountains,From arctic and antarctic mountains.Though Mister Godwin told us howTo make a clever sort of plough,[44]Which would e’en set itself to work,And plough an acre in a jerk.Though Price’s projects are so clever,They show us how to live for ever[45]Unless we blunder, to our cost,And break our heads against a post!Though Darwin, thinking to dismay us,Made dreadful clattering in chaos,And form’d, with horrid quakes t’ assist him,His newexplodedsolar system.[46]Though Volney, having in hisview,First peer’d our continent through and through,[47]Left us a specimen of the qualityOfgraduatedFrench morality.[48]Though Priestley manufactured souls,For which we had him o’er the coals,A thing we had forgot to mention,For making use ofourinvention.Buffon, with other wonders done,A comet dash’d athwart the sun,And, hitting off a flaming slice,Our earthcreatedin a trice.These wights, when taken altogether,Are but the shadow of a featherCompared with Caustic, even asA puff of hydrogenous gas.Should you pronounce my systemslaxFor want of someastringentfacts,I’ll knock you down, by my surprisingNew method of philosophizing.I first a fine new system form,Which none can either sap or storm;Then, to support my favorite plan,I muster all the facts I can.To make my theories defensible,Whereas some facts are indispensable,From east, west, north and south I rake ’em,And when not ready made—I make them!!Thus, for posterity’s behoof,We’ve made our systems bullet proof:Assailing us with ire red hot,Is battering walls with pigeon shot.But I, in spite of my renown,Alas! am harrass’d, hunted down;Completely damn’d, the simple fact is,ByPerkins’s Metallic Practice![49]Our should-be wise and learn’d societiesAre guilty of great improprieties,In treating me in manner scandalous,As if I were a very Vandal; thusDetermined, as I have no doubt,My sun of genius to put out,Which, once extinct, they think that so ’tisTheirglow-worm lights may claim some notice.Such hum-drum heads and hollow heartsPretend, forsooth, t’ encourage arts!But that pretence, in every sense isThe flimsiest of all pretences.Those noble spirited MacenasesTo me have shown the greatest meannesses;Have granted me for these things said all,Not one half-penny, nor a medal!!!

Fromgarret high, with cobwebs hung,The poorest wight that ever sung,Most gentle Sirs, I come before ye,To tell a lamentable story.

Fromgarret high, with cobwebs hung,

The poorest wight that ever sung,

Most gentle Sirs, I come before ye,

To tell a lamentable story.

What makes my sorry case the sadder,I once stood high on Fortune’s ladder;[1]From whence contrive the fickle jilt did,That your petitioner should be tilted.

What makes my sorry case the sadder,

I once stood high on Fortune’s ladder;[1]

From whence contrive the fickle jilt did,

That your petitioner should be tilted.

And soon th’ unconscionable flirt,Will tread me fairly in the dirt,Unless, perchance, these pithy laysProcure mepenceas well aspraise.

And soon th’ unconscionable flirt,

Will tread me fairly in the dirt,

Unless, perchance, these pithy lays

Procure mepenceas well aspraise.

Already doom’d to hard quill-driving,’Gainst spectred poverty still striving,When e’er I doze, from vigils pale,Dame Fancy locks me fast in jail.

Already doom’d to hard quill-driving,

’Gainst spectred poverty still striving,

When e’er I doze, from vigils pale,

Dame Fancy locks me fast in jail.

Necessity, though I am no wit,Compels me now to turn a poet;Notborn, butmade, by transmutation,And chymick process, call’d—starvation!

Necessity, though I am no wit,

Compels me now to turn a poet;

Notborn, butmade, by transmutation,

And chymick process, call’d—starvation!

Though poet’s trade, of all that I know,Requires the least of ready rhino,I find a deficit of cash isAn obstacle to cutting dashes.

Though poet’s trade, of all that I know,

Requires the least of ready rhino,

I find a deficit of cash is

An obstacle to cutting dashes.

For gods and godesses, who trafficIn cantos, odes, and lays seraphic,Who erst Arcadian whistle blew sharp,Or now attune Apollo’s jews-harp,

For gods and godesses, who traffic

In cantos, odes, and lays seraphic,

Who erst Arcadian whistle blew sharp,

Or now attune Apollo’s jews-harp,

Have sworn they will not loan me, gratis,Their jingling sing-song apparatus,Nor teach me how, nor where to chime inMytintinabulumof rhyming.[2]

Have sworn they will not loan me, gratis,

Their jingling sing-song apparatus,

Nor teach me how, nor where to chime in

Mytintinabulumof rhyming.[2]

What then occurs? A lucky hit—I’ve found a substitute for wit;On Homer’s pinions mounting high,I’ll drink Pierian puddle dry.[3]

What then occurs? A lucky hit—

I’ve found a substitute for wit;

On Homer’s pinions mounting high,

I’ll drink Pierian puddle dry.[3]

Beddoes (bless the good doctor) hasSent me a bag full of his gas,[4]Which snuffed the nose up, makes wit brighter,And eke a dunce an airy writer.

Beddoes (bless the good doctor) has

Sent me a bag full of his gas,[4]

Which snuffed the nose up, makes wit brighter,

And eke a dunce an airy writer.

With this a brother bard, inflated,Was so stupendously elated,He tower’d, like Garnerin’s balloon,Nor stopp’d, like half wits, at the moon:

With this a brother bard, inflated,

Was so stupendously elated,

He tower’d, like Garnerin’s balloon,

Nor stopp’d, like half wits, at the moon:

But scarce had breath’d three times before heWas hous’d in heaven’s high upper story,[5]Where mortals none but poets enter,Above where Mah’met’s ass dar’d venture.

But scarce had breath’d three times before he

Was hous’d in heaven’s high upper story,[5]

Where mortals none but poets enter,

Above where Mah’met’s ass dar’d venture.

Strange things he saw, and those who know himHave said that, in his Epic Poem,[6]To be complete within a year hence,They’ll make a terrible appearance.

Strange things he saw, and those who know him

Have said that, in his Epic Poem,[6]

To be complete within a year hence,

They’ll make a terrible appearance.

And now, to set my verses going,Like “Joan of Arc,” sublimely flowing,I’ll follow Southey’s bold exemple,And snuff a sconce full, for a sample.

And now, to set my verses going,

Like “Joan of Arc,” sublimely flowing,

I’ll follow Southey’s bold exemple,

And snuff a sconce full, for a sample.

Good Sir, enough! enough already!No more, for Heaven’s sake!—steady!—steady!Confound your stuff!—why how you sweat me!I’d rather swallow all mount Etna!

Good Sir, enough! enough already!

No more, for Heaven’s sake!—steady!—steady!

Confound your stuff!—why how you sweat me!

I’d rather swallow all mount Etna!

How swiftly turns this giddy world round,Like tortur’d top, by truant twirl’d round;While Nature’s capers wild amaze me,The beldam’s crack’d or Caustic crazy![7]

How swiftly turns this giddy world round,

Like tortur’d top, by truant twirl’d round;

While Nature’s capers wild amaze me,

The beldam’s crack’d or Caustic crazy![7]

I’m larger grown from head to tailThan mammoth, elephant, or whale!—Now feel a “tangible extension”Of semi-infinite dimension!—

I’m larger grown from head to tail

Than mammoth, elephant, or whale!—

Now feel a “tangible extension”

Of semi-infinite dimension!—

Inflated with supreme intensity,I fill three quarters of immensity!Should Phœbus come this way, no doubt,But I could blow his candle out!

Inflated with supreme intensity,

I fill three quarters of immensity!

Should Phœbus come this way, no doubt,

But I could blow his candle out!

This earth’s a little dirty planet,And I’ll no longer help to man it,But off will flutter, in a tangent,And make a harum scarum range on’t!

This earth’s a little dirty planet,

And I’ll no longer help to man it,

But off will flutter, in a tangent,

And make a harum scarum range on’t!

Stand ye appall’d! quake! quiver! quail!For lo I stride a comet’s tail!If my deserts you fail t’ acknowledge,I’ll drive it plump against your college!

Stand ye appall’d! quake! quiver! quail!

For lo I stride a comet’s tail!

If my deserts you fail t’ acknowledge,

I’ll drive it plump against your college!

But if your Esculapian bandApproach my highness, cap in hand,And show vast tokens of humility,I’ll treat your world with due civility.

But if your Esculapian band

Approach my highness, cap in hand,

And show vast tokens of humility,

I’ll treat your world with due civility.

But now, alas! a wicked wagHas pull’d away the gaseous bag:From heaven, where thron’d, like Jove I sat,I’m fall’n! fall’n! fall’n! down, flat! flat! flat![8]

But now, alas! a wicked wag

Has pull’d away the gaseous bag:

From heaven, where thron’d, like Jove I sat,

I’m fall’n! fall’n! fall’n! down, flat! flat! flat![8]

Thus, as the ancient story goes,When o’er Avernus flew the crows,They were so stench’d in half a minute,They giddy grew and tumbled in it:

Thus, as the ancient story goes,

When o’er Avernus flew the crows,

They were so stench’d in half a minute,

They giddy grew and tumbled in it:

And thus a blade, who is too handyTo help himself to wine or brandy,At first gets higher, then gets lower,Then tumbles dead drunk on the floor!

And thus a blade, who is too handy

To help himself to wine or brandy,

At first gets higher, then gets lower,

Then tumbles dead drunk on the floor!

Such would have been my sad case, ifI’d taken half another tiff;And even now, I cannot swear,I’m not as mad as a March hare!

Such would have been my sad case, if

I’d taken half another tiff;

And even now, I cannot swear,

I’m not as mad as a March hare!

How these confounded gases serve us!But Beddoes says that I am nervous,And that this oxyd gas of nitreIs bad for such anervouswriter!

How these confounded gases serve us!

But Beddoes says that I am nervous,

And that this oxyd gas of nitre

Is bad for such anervouswriter!

Indeed, Sir, Doctor, very odd it isThat you should deal in such commodities,Which drive a man beside his wits,And women to hysteric fits![9]

Indeed, Sir, Doctor, very odd it is

That you should deal in such commodities,

Which drive a man beside his wits,

And women to hysteric fits![9]

Now, since this wildering gas inflationIs not the thing for inspiration,I’ll take a glass of cordial gin,Ere my sad story I begin;

Now, since this wildering gas inflation

Is not the thing for inspiration,

I’ll take a glass of cordial gin,

Ere my sad story I begin;

And then proceed with courage stout,From “hard-bound brains” to hammer outMy case forlorn, in doleful ditty,To melt your worships’ hearts to pity.

And then proceed with courage stout,

From “hard-bound brains” to hammer out

My case forlorn, in doleful ditty,

To melt your worships’ hearts to pity.

Sirs, I have been in high condition,A right respectablePhysician;And passed, with men of shrewd discerning,For wight of most prodigious learning;

Sirs, I have been in high condition,

A right respectablePhysician;

And passed, with men of shrewd discerning,

For wight of most prodigious learning;

For I could quote, with flippant ease,Grave Galen and Hippocrates,Brown, Cullen, Sydenham and such men,Besides ashoalof learned Dutchmen.[10]

For I could quote, with flippant ease,

Grave Galen and Hippocrates,

Brown, Cullen, Sydenham and such men,

Besides ashoalof learned Dutchmen.[10]

In all disorders was so clever,From tooth ache, up to yellow fever,That I by learned men was reckon’dDon Esculapius the second!

In all disorders was so clever,

From tooth ache, up to yellow fever,

That I by learned men was reckon’d

Don Esculapius the second!

No case to me was problematic;Pains topical or symptomatic,From aching head, to gouty toes,The hidden cause I could disclose.

No case to me was problematic;

Pains topical or symptomatic,

From aching head, to gouty toes,

The hidden cause I could disclose.

Minute examiner of Nature,And most sagacious operator,I could descern, prescribe, applyAnd cure[11]disease in louse’s eye.

Minute examiner of Nature,

And most sagacious operator,

I could descern, prescribe, apply

And cure[11]disease in louse’s eye.

And insects smaller, ten degreesThan those which float in summer’s breeze,Drugg’d with cathartics and emetics,Then doctor’d off with diuretics.

And insects smaller, ten degrees

Than those which float in summer’s breeze,

Drugg’d with cathartics and emetics,

Then doctor’d off with diuretics.

I had a curious little lancet,Your worship could not help but fancy it,By which I show’d with skill surprising,The whole art offlea-botomizing!—

I had a curious little lancet,

Your worship could not help but fancy it,

By which I show’d with skill surprising,

The whole art offlea-botomizing!—

And with it oft inoculated(At which friend Jenner’ll be elated)Flies, fleas, and gnats, with cow-pock matter,And not onesoultook small-pox a’ter!—

And with it oft inoculated

(At which friend Jenner’ll be elated)

Flies, fleas, and gnats, with cow-pock matter,

And not onesoultook small-pox a’ter!—

Could take a microscopic mite,Invisible to naked sight;Ad infinitum, could divide it,For timesunnumber’dhave I tried it.

Could take a microscopic mite,

Invisible to naked sight;

Ad infinitum, could divide it,

For timesunnumber’dhave I tried it.

With optic glass, of great utility,Could make the essence of nihilityTo cut a most enormous figure,As big as St Paul’s church, or bigger!

With optic glass, of great utility,

Could make the essence of nihility

To cut a most enormous figure,

As big as St Paul’s church, or bigger!

Could tell, and never be mistaken,What future oaks were in an acorn;And even calculate, at pleasure,The cubic inches they would measure.

Could tell, and never be mistaken,

What future oaks were in an acorn;

And even calculate, at pleasure,

The cubic inches they would measure.

Scotland could never boast a wight,Could matchOURSELFat second sight.[12]Nor Wales a wizard, who so wellCould destiny’s decrees foretel.

Scotland could never boast a wight,

Could matchOURSELFat second sight.[12]

Nor Wales a wizard, who so well

Could destiny’s decrees foretel.

For we’d a precious knack at seeing,Not only matters not in being,But ever and anon would still beForeseeing things which never will be—[13]

For we’d a precious knack at seeing,

Not only matters not in being,

But ever and anon would still be

Foreseeing things which never will be—[13]

Great manufacturer of weatherNine Lapland witches, clubb’d together,With all the elements a stewing,Are not our match at tempest brewing.

Great manufacturer of weather

Nine Lapland witches, clubb’d together,

With all the elements a stewing,

Are not our match at tempest brewing.

For many a popular almanac,Within say half a century back,We foretold every shine and stormWhich heaven can burnish or deform.

For many a popular almanac,

Within say half a century back,

We foretold every shine and storm

Which heaven can burnish or deform.

Though no two calendars agreed,All were infallible indeed;Of course no conjurer can stand higherThan Caustic as a prophesier.

Though no two calendars agreed,

All were infallible indeed;

Of course no conjurer can stand higher

Than Caustic as a prophesier.

Discover’d worlds within the paleOf tip-end of a tadpole’s tail,And took possession of the sameIn our good friend, SirJoseph’sname;[14]

Discover’d worlds within the pale

Of tip-end of a tadpole’s tail,

And took possession of the same

In our good friend, SirJoseph’sname;[14]

And soon shall publish, by subscription,A topographical descriptionOf worlds aforesaid, which shall go forthInfool’scap folio, gilt, and so forth,—

And soon shall publish, by subscription,

A topographical description

Of worlds aforesaid, which shall go forth

Infool’scap folio, gilt, and so forth,—

Could tell how far a careless flyMight chance to turn this globe awry,If flitting round, in giddy circuit,With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it!—[15]

Could tell how far a careless fly

Might chance to turn this globe awry,

If flitting round, in giddy circuit,

With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it!—[15]

The mystic characters of Nature,We read like Spurtzheim or Lavater,To us her lineaments are labels,Which stare like capitals on play bills.

The mystic characters of Nature,

We read like Spurtzheim or Lavater,

To us her lineaments are labels,

Which stare like capitals on play bills.

From bearings of the different osses,And shapes of forehead, chin, proboscis,The frons and occiput’s topography,Can write a man’s complete biography.

From bearings of the different osses,

And shapes of forehead, chin, proboscis,

The frons and occiput’s topography,

Can write a man’s complete biography.

Have drawn nine million diagrams,Which wags denominate flim flams,Though worth your worshipful relianceFor shortest outlines of the science.

Have drawn nine million diagrams,

Which wags denominate flim flams,

Though worth your worshipful reliance

For shortest outlines of the science.

By dint of scientific thumpsMade famous phrenologic bumps,And always found the effect was greaterThan when such bumps were made by nature.

By dint of scientific thumps

Made famous phrenologic bumps,

And always found the effect was greater

Than when such bumps were made by nature.

Developements, thus manufactured,Caused many a thick skull to be fracturedBut pity well deserves defianceWhen e’er she thwarts the march of science.

Developements, thus manufactured,

Caused many a thick skull to be fractured

But pity well deserves defiance

When e’er she thwarts the march of science.

Thus Rousseau, Voltaire, Paine, and others,Our revolutionizing brothers,Got up French freedom’s cruel farces,And made worse bumps than ours in masses.

Thus Rousseau, Voltaire, Paine, and others,

Our revolutionizing brothers,

Got up French freedom’s cruel farces,

And made worse bumps than ours in masses.

And Godwin, too, in substance said,Our bodies politic must be bled;Man’s only mode of meliorationIs doctoring off one generation,—[16]

And Godwin, too, in substance said,

Our bodies politic must be bled;

Man’s only mode of melioration

Is doctoring off one generation,—[16]

And substituting in its placeA spotless super-human race,Pure as an unborn infant’s dream,Of moonshine made, and moved by steam.

And substituting in its place

A spotless super-human race,

Pure as an unborn infant’s dream,

Of moonshine made, and moved by steam.

We have for sale the seeds of bumps,Which, dibbled in the heads of gumps,Take root without the aid of thumpsAnd grow as large as camels’ humps.

We have for sale the seeds of bumps,

Which, dibbled in the heads of gumps,

Take root without the aid of thumps

And grow as large as camels’ humps.

Can take a wicked ugly tyke,And every organ we dislikePull out or drive in, at a venture,Thus change each bump to an indenture.

Can take a wicked ugly tyke,

And every organ we dislike

Pull out or drive in, at a venture,

Thus change each bump to an indenture.

Protuberantdestructiveness,Placed in our phrenologic press,Is render’d, by its power immense,Exuberantbenevolence.

Protuberantdestructiveness,

Placed in our phrenologic press,

Is render’d, by its power immense,

Exuberantbenevolence.

In infancy, in half a trice,We thus extinguish every vice,Before it has had time to harden,As easily as weed a garden.

In infancy, in half a trice,

We thus extinguish every vice,

Before it has had time to harden,

As easily as weed a garden.

We keep fine faculties ready made,Thus beat dame Nature at her tradeOf manufacturing mental powers,For hers are not half up to ours.

We keep fine faculties ready made,

Thus beat dame Nature at her trade

Of manufacturing mental powers,

For hers are not half up to ours.

We make a thing we callNousometer,Or Phrenological Micrometer;The grand quintessence of inventionsFor measuring the mind’s dimensions.

We make a thing we callNousometer,

Or Phrenological Micrometer;

The grand quintessence of inventions

For measuring the mind’s dimensions.

This shows men’s vices and propensities,Their aggravations and intensities,By marks indelible, and plain-Ly legible as that on Cain.

This shows men’s vices and propensities,

Their aggravations and intensities,

By marks indelible, and plain-

Ly legible as that on Cain.

Nousometers, our hope and trust is,Will supersede our courts of justice,By proving guilt in all gradations,In style of Euclid’s demonstrations.

Nousometers, our hope and trust is,

Will supersede our courts of justice,

By proving guilt in all gradations,

In style of Euclid’s demonstrations.

To crown our cheap mode of convictionBy ready punishment’s infliction,The rabblement will string upgratisThe convicts of our apparatus.

To crown our cheap mode of conviction

By ready punishment’s infliction,

The rabblement will string upgratis

The convicts of our apparatus.

By said machine and foresaid books,Rogues, stigmatized withhanging looks,We whip and kick and hangad libitum,Or take the liberty to gibbet ’em.

By said machine and foresaid books,

Rogues, stigmatized withhanging looks,

We whip and kick and hangad libitum,

Or take the liberty to gibbet ’em.

If you’re dissatisfied with that,Our all-efficientverbum satWillprestoraise almighty mobs,Inured to cruel dirty jobs.

If you’re dissatisfied with that,

Our all-efficientverbum sat

Willprestoraise almighty mobs,

Inured to cruel dirty jobs.

Those LL. D.s’ of Lynch’s law[17]Don’t value dignity a straw,Will thump your worships into chowderTo save expense of ropes and powder.

Those LL. D.s’ of Lynch’s law[17]

Don’t value dignity a straw,

Will thump your worships into chowder

To save expense of ropes and powder.

Thosene plus ultrasof atrocity,By blind and tiger-like ferocityDisgraceful deeds and ruthless ravagesHave shown themselves outrageous savages.

Thosene plus ultrasof atrocity,

By blind and tiger-like ferocity

Disgraceful deeds and ruthless ravages

Have shown themselves outrageous savages.

Yet, whereas Justice has’nt yet hung them,Nor showers of grape-shot rain’d among them,We’ll use the rogues, when we think best,For executing our behest.

Yet, whereas Justice has’nt yet hung them,

Nor showers of grape-shot rain’d among them,

We’ll use the rogues, when we think best,

For executing our behest.

Thus reptiles of the worst descriptionsCoerced the obstinate Egyptians;And serpents erst by stings and bitesPunish’d backsliding Israelites.

Thus reptiles of the worst descriptions

Coerced the obstinate Egyptians;

And serpents erst by stings and bites

Punish’d backsliding Israelites.

Judge Lynch, thou dephlegmated evil,Double distill’d essence of the devil,Total depravity, we wouldHit you still harder if we could.

Judge Lynch, thou dephlegmated evil,

Double distill’d essence of the devil,

Total depravity, we would

Hit you still harder if we could.

It makes one truly melancholicTo see your mobs, most diabolic,Plunder and murder, with impunity,Innocent members of community.

It makes one truly melancholic

To see your mobs, most diabolic,

Plunder and murder, with impunity,

Innocent members of community.

You talk of liberty, what stuff!A mob’s a monarch, sure enough,And one true liberty most dreads,A tyrant with ten thousand heads.

You talk of liberty, what stuff!

A mob’s a monarch, sure enough,

And one true liberty most dreads,

A tyrant with ten thousand heads.

There is no despot in creationHowever high and firm his station,Who feels not more responsibilityThan Lynch’s terrible mobility.

There is no despot in creation

However high and firm his station,

Who feels not more responsibility

Than Lynch’s terrible mobility.

Our institutes of educationAre under moral obligationTo use said implement of oursFor graduating mental powers.

Our institutes of education

Are under moral obligation

To use said implement of ours

For graduating mental powers.

This criminal and dunce detectorMay save from many a useless lecture,From toiling quarter after quarterIn filling riddle sieves with water.

This criminal and dunce detector

May save from many a useless lecture,

From toiling quarter after quarter

In filling riddle sieves with water.

We license none for teaching schools,Unless by Gall’s and Spurzheim’s rulesWe find his sconce, in every section,Bears phrenological inspection.

We license none for teaching schools,

Unless by Gall’s and Spurzheim’s rules

We find his sconce, in every section,

Bears phrenological inspection.

We apprehended Brougham’s schoolmaster,And took his head sheer off—in plaster,And found his bumps with ours accordBefore we let him “go abroad.”

We apprehended Brougham’s schoolmaster,

And took his head sheer off—in plaster,

And found his bumps with ours accord

Before we let him “go abroad.”

Our said mind-measurer may be setTo sound the cunningest coquette,And ascertain by mensurationThe limits of her inclination.

Our said mind-measurer may be set

To sound the cunningest coquette,

And ascertain by mensuration

The limits of her inclination.

Heu quantum suff, we are afraid thisDevelopement will shock the ladies;But, hush, my dears, for time to come,No mummy ever was more mum.

Heu quantum suff, we are afraid this

Developement will shock the ladies;

But, hush, my dears, for time to come,

No mummy ever was more mum.

Our far-famed system also suitsThe physiology of brutes;Its application never failsFrom mammoth down to snakes and snails.

Our far-famed system also suits

The physiology of brutes;

Its application never fails

From mammoth down to snakes and snails.

Have fourteen folios, stereotypesCall’d craniology of snipes,[18]All which will figure, with propriety,In annals of a learn’d society.

Have fourteen folios, stereotypes

Call’d craniology of snipes,[18]

All which will figure, with propriety,

In annals of a learn’d society.

As manufacturing PhrenologistOur articles need no apologist,Because our skill is ten times greater,As said before, than that of Nature.

As manufacturing Phrenologist

Our articles need no apologist,

Because our skill is ten times greater,

As said before, than that of Nature.

Nature, although in some things clever,Has but the fulcrum and the leverTo her friend Doctor Caustic given,To elevate this world to heaven.

Nature, although in some things clever,

Has but the fulcrum and the lever

To her friend Doctor Caustic given,

To elevate this world to heaven.

We have made many a clever notionTo perpetrate perpetual motionWhich went to perpetuity’s borders,Then stopp’d a bit for further orders.

We have made many a clever notion

To perpetrate perpetual motion

Which went to perpetuity’s borders,

Then stopp’d a bit for further orders.

Though said machines would hardly traceThe farthest links of time or space,We never knew them fail to wendQuite to eternity’s hither end.

Though said machines would hardly trace

The farthest links of time or space,

We never knew them fail to wend

Quite to eternity’s hither end.

For women, uglier than Gorgons,We manufacture beauty’s organs,And give them splendid shapes and facesWhich might be envied by the Graces.

For women, uglier than Gorgons,

We manufacture beauty’s organs,

And give them splendid shapes and faces

Which might be envied by the Graces.

Pimples like pepper pods, warts like squashes,Vanish before our beauty washes;[19]By help of corsets, stays and boddices,We transform dowdies into goddesses.[20]

Pimples like pepper pods, warts like squashes,

Vanish before our beauty washes;[19]

By help of corsets, stays and boddices,

We transform dowdies into goddesses.[20]

Nice ladies’ minds we manufacture,Cast in a mould without a fracture,And sell the precious things in lots,An art we learn’d of Doctor Watts.

Nice ladies’ minds we manufacture,

Cast in a mould without a fracture,

And sell the precious things in lots,

An art we learn’d of Doctor Watts.

And o’er the shop where these are made,In nine inch letters is portray’d,Fine female faculties form’d and furnished,With genteel educations burnished.

And o’er the shop where these are made,

In nine inch letters is portray’d,

Fine female faculties form’d and furnished,

With genteel educations burnished.

This shop supplies the place, no doubt,Of seminaries talk’d about,But never put in operation,Fitted for female education.[21]

This shop supplies the place, no doubt,

Of seminaries talk’d about,

But never put in operation,

Fitted for female education.[21]

We fabricate spruce dandy noddies,With souls adapted to their bodies,To wit so exquisitely smallThey might as well have none at all.[22]

We fabricate spruce dandy noddies,

With souls adapted to their bodies,

To wit so exquisitely small

They might as well have none at all.[22]

When we discern an abstract right,We press it ever main and might;Hold all correct, which suits our fancies,And never yield to circumstances.

When we discern an abstract right,

We press it ever main and might;

Hold all correct, which suits our fancies,

And never yield to circumstances.

We cannot brook the serpentine,Our march is onward, one straight line,Nor flood nor fire impedes our way,Lickitacut—devil to pay!

We cannot brook the serpentine,

Our march is onward, one straight line,

Nor flood nor fire impedes our way,

Lickitacut—devil to pay!

We prompt or sanction all proceduresOf Slavery-Abolition-Leaders,Who “go ahead” with more displayThan a whirlwind’s march o’er a dusty way.

We prompt or sanction all procedures

Of Slavery-Abolition-Leaders,

Who “go ahead” with more display

Than a whirlwind’s march o’er a dusty way.

Though southern blacks, to all appearances,Are injured by our interferences,Still right is right, your most obedientCares not a fig about th’ expedient.

Though southern blacks, to all appearances,

Are injured by our interferences,

Still right is right, your most obedient

Cares not a fig about th’ expedient.

Let loose the blacks at any rate,Without delay, without debate,Their clanging chains asunder snapSuddenly as by thunder clap.

Let loose the blacks at any rate,

Without delay, without debate,

Their clanging chains asunder snap

Suddenly as by thunder clap.

Huzza then, foramalgamationTo change our “dough-faced population,”In course of one more generation,To a nice copper-color’d nation.

Huzza then, foramalgamation

To change our “dough-faced population,”

In course of one more generation,

To a nice copper-color’d nation.

Reader it may be you’re a lady,Fair as the blush of morn in May day,—And not much smitten with our planOfunionwith acolor’dman.

Reader it may be you’re a lady,

Fair as the blush of morn in May day,—

And not much smitten with our plan

Ofunionwith acolor’dman.

Bah! bah! my dear, I tell you this isThe silliest of prejudices;Cupid will duly elevate him,And Hymen will amalgamate him.

Bah! bah! my dear, I tell you this is

The silliest of prejudices;

Cupid will duly elevate him,

And Hymen will amalgamate him.

Thus one Othello was, you know,Black as the plumage of a crow,And yet the white Miss DesdemonaLoved him as well as flies love honey.

Thus one Othello was, you know,

Black as the plumage of a crow,

And yet the white Miss Desdemona

Loved him as well as flies love honey.

The car of Venus, bards have sung,Was drawn by doves, when I was young,But then, were black birds substituted,Ourself for one were better suited.

The car of Venus, bards have sung,

Was drawn by doves, when I was young,

But then, were black birds substituted,

Ourself for one were better suited.

We’re rather darkish hued ourself,Yet will annihilate the elf,Who says in earnest, or in jokesWe’re not as good as whiter folks.

We’re rather darkish hued ourself,

Yet will annihilate the elf,

Who says in earnest, or in jokes

We’re not as good as whiter folks.

The onlycolorof objectionTo our saidtawnypredilectionIs this, ’t will ruin the machineryOf amatory poets’ scenery.

The onlycolorof objection

To our saidtawnypredilection

Is this, ’t will ruin the machinery

Of amatory poets’ scenery.

Bright eyes, pink lips, and cheeks of roses,Lily-complexions, Grecian noses,Fine necks, and so forth, alabasters,No more be themes for poetasters.

Bright eyes, pink lips, and cheeks of roses,

Lily-complexions, Grecian noses,

Fine necks, and so forth, alabasters,

No more be themes for poetasters.

But then the Muse’s votary mayIn rhymes like these his fair portray,—My Phillis has a natural varnishWhich time nor accident can’t tarnish;

But then the Muse’s votary may

In rhymes like these his fair portray,—

My Phillis has a natural varnish

Which time nor accident can’t tarnish;

No sickly, pale, unripen’d maid,“Dyed in the wool,” she cannot fade;Essence of ebony and logwood,And sweeter than the flowers of dogwood.

No sickly, pale, unripen’d maid,

“Dyed in the wool,” she cannot fade;

Essence of ebony and logwood,

And sweeter than the flowers of dogwood.

Lives there a bard who would not gloryIn such epistles amatory,Possessing that uncommon quality,A sprinkling of originality.

Lives there a bard who would not glory

In such epistles amatory,

Possessing that uncommon quality,

A sprinkling of originality.

On advocates of colonizationShower demi-johns of indignation!—Annihilate the knaves and dolts,With Caustic’sPatent Thunderbolts!

On advocates of colonization

Shower demi-johns of indignation!—

Annihilate the knaves and dolts,

With Caustic’sPatent Thunderbolts!

And, be it known, with due civility,To our Columbian nobility,Fewerblack heartsand moreblack facesWould much improve their waning races.

And, be it known, with due civility,

To our Columbian nobility,

Fewerblack heartsand moreblack faces

Would much improve their waning races.

To lose ourjettypopulationWould take theshinefrom our great nation,And make us all like old shoes, lackingA coat of Day and Martin’s blacking.

To lose ourjettypopulation

Would take theshinefrom our great nation,

And make us all like old shoes, lacking

A coat of Day and Martin’s blacking.

We’re glad to find New England beautiesFor black men’s rights and white men’s dutiesEnlisting their resistless charms,For all men yield to ladies’ arms.

We’re glad to find New England beauties

For black men’s rights and white men’s duties

Enlisting their resistless charms,

For all men yield to ladies’ arms.

Do, dears, make us your generalissimo,An all important trust that is, you know,And we the hero, who can fill itWith dazzling glory, if you will it.

Do, dears, make us your generalissimo,

An all important trust that is, you know,

And we the hero, who can fill it

With dazzling glory, if you will it.

Bostonia’s beautiful brigade,With Doctor Caustic’s flag display’d,Suppose you make a general levyTo swell the columns of your bevy.

Bostonia’s beautiful brigade,

With Doctor Caustic’s flag display’d,

Suppose you make a general levy

To swell the columns of your bevy.

Bright key-stones of the Social Arch,Left foot foremost, forward march!Ourspunkis up, our prowess ampleOnanti-unionrogues to trample.

Bright key-stones of the Social Arch,

Left foot foremost, forward march!

Ourspunkis up, our prowess ample

Onanti-unionrogues to trample.

Ourself will lead the ladies’ army on,Charge at its head like Scott’s brave Marmion;You fight as angels fought beforeIn heaven, so Milton says, of yore.

Ourself will lead the ladies’ army on,

Charge at its head like Scott’s brave Marmion;

You fight as angels fought before

In heaven, so Milton says, of yore.

The swart south shivers like a leaf,M’Stuffie shoots himself for griefAt finding all resistance vain,As battling with a hurricane.

The swart south shivers like a leaf,

M’Stuffie shoots himself for grief

At finding all resistance vain,

As battling with a hurricane.

We hold in utter execrationWhat ’s styled theTemperance Reformation.To live without good alcoholIs tantamount to tol-de-rol;—

We hold in utter execration

What ’s styled theTemperance Reformation.

To live without good alcohol

Is tantamount to tol-de-rol;—

For nine tenths of our doctors’ feesFrom Bacchanalian devoteesAnd votaries of Sir Richard RumHave ever, and will ever come.

For nine tenths of our doctors’ fees

From Bacchanalian devotees

And votaries of Sir Richard Rum

Have ever, and will ever come.

Incipient inebriationFrom vinous alcoholizationIs indispensable now-a-daysTo make our patriotism blaze.

Incipient inebriation

From vinous alcoholization

Is indispensable now-a-days

To make our patriotism blaze.

Dinner harangues would be so so,Stump oratory would not goIf wine and whiskey did not aidThe speechifying and parade.

Dinner harangues would be so so,

Stump oratory would not go

If wine and whiskey did not aid

The speechifying and parade.

And where’s the patriot, who boastsOf excellentcold watertoasts?If such things were, and had some merit,They must bedestitute of spirit.

And where’s the patriot, who boasts

Of excellentcold watertoasts?

If such things were, and had some merit,

They must bedestitute of spirit.

If Temperance should turn the scale,And total abstinence prevail,Rhyme-mongers would be flatter still,A million lines, not worth a mill.

If Temperance should turn the scale,

And total abstinence prevail,

Rhyme-mongers would be flatter still,

A million lines, not worth a mill.

Lord Byron’s verse, so highly prized,Had fail’d to be immortalized,Unless the noble bard had beenExalted on the wings of gin.

Lord Byron’s verse, so highly prized,

Had fail’d to be immortalized,

Unless the noble bard had been

Exalted on the wings of gin.

As to Anacreontic lays,A Moore could make no more displays,Ay, Thomas Moore could never moreMake Bacchanalians shout encore.

As to Anacreontic lays,

A Moore could make no more displays,

Ay, Thomas Moore could never more

Make Bacchanalians shout encore.

If Temperance chaps wont suffer wineNor gin t’ inspire the maudlin nine,Some verse by critics dubb’d divineWill seem almost as flat as mine.

If Temperance chaps wont suffer wine

Nor gin t’ inspire the maudlin nine,

Some verse by critics dubb’d divine

Will seem almost as flat as mine.

Horace saysdulce est desipere,[23]Drink till your way home’s rather slippery,But don’t indulge in gross ebriety,Save in the very best society.

Horace saysdulce est desipere,[23]

Drink till your way home’s rather slippery,

But don’t indulge in gross ebriety,

Save in the very best society.

The lower orders too, we think,Unless addicted to strong drink,Might rise to riches and renown,Thus turn society up side down.

The lower orders too, we think,

Unless addicted to strong drink,

Might rise to riches and renown,

Thus turn society up side down.

Let paupers, therefore, swig away,With gin and whiskey soak their clay,For beggars, somebody says or sings,When drunk as lords are rich as kings.

Let paupers, therefore, swig away,

With gin and whiskey soak their clay,

For beggars, somebody says or sings,

When drunk as lords are rich as kings.

And if by temperance and frugality,Shoe bindingshould be changed toquality,The mounting mobocratic massesMay over-topUS UPPER CLASSES.

And if by temperance and frugality,

Shoe bindingshould be changed toquality,

The mounting mobocratic masses

May over-topUS UPPER CLASSES.

The readiest way to keep them downIs this, give every jade and clown“Lots” of intoxicating stuff,Gin, whiskey, and new rum enough;

The readiest way to keep them down

Is this, give every jade and clown

“Lots” of intoxicating stuff,

Gin, whiskey, and new rum enough;

And in that case, I’ll bet my eyes,The rogues will never, never rise;Though placed in heaven, they could not failTo be Sir Richard Rum’s canaille.

And in that case, I’ll bet my eyes,

The rogues will never, never rise;

Though placed in heaven, they could not fail

To be Sir Richard Rum’s canaille.

If ardent spirit is not handy,Cider’s almost as good as brandy,And strong beer serves to drench one’s dust,And keep alive the drunkard’s thirst.

If ardent spirit is not handy,

Cider’s almost as good as brandy,

And strong beer serves to drench one’s dust,

And keep alive the drunkard’s thirst.

There’s nothing like intoxicationTo thin off extra population,And keep it at respectful distanceBehind the means of man’s subsistence.

There’s nothing like intoxication

To thin off extra population,

And keep it at respectful distance

Behind the means of man’s subsistence.

By your good leave, I question whetherWar, famine, pestilence, together,Could fill, of alcohol, the place,In doctoring off the human race.

By your good leave, I question whether

War, famine, pestilence, together,

Could fill, of alcohol, the place,

In doctoring off the human race.

Then, paltry pauper, swig away,With gin and whiskey soak your clay,Till you’ve diluted it to mortar,Á filthy mass of mud and water.

Then, paltry pauper, swig away,

With gin and whiskey soak your clay,

Till you’ve diluted it to mortar,

Á filthy mass of mud and water.

Drink till th’ experiment you makeOf how much liquid fire ’twill takeTo make a drunkard burn like tinder,And change a nuisance to a cinder.

Drink till th’ experiment you make

Of how much liquid fire ’twill take

To make a drunkard burn like tinder,

And change a nuisance to a cinder.

The devil, as Milton represented,Gunpowder, long ago invented;But genius always finds its level,And man, of course, has beaten the devil.

The devil, as Milton represented,

Gunpowder, long ago invented;

But genius always finds its level,

And man, of course, has beaten the devil.

The wight, who alcohol found out,Surpass’d the fiend, beyond a doubt;He, therefore, merits more renown,And ought to wear a hotter crown.

The wight, who alcohol found out,

Surpass’d the fiend, beyond a doubt;

He, therefore, merits more renown,

And ought to wear a hotter crown.

We live on vegetable diet,And will not let a man be quiet,Unless the evidence is ampleThat he is copying our example.

We live on vegetable diet,

And will not let a man be quiet,

Unless the evidence is ample

That he is copying our example.

Though brother Graham, it is said,Stuffs christians with unbolted bread,Our bellytimber, quite as good,Is made of any kind ofwood.[24]

Though brother Graham, it is said,

Stuffs christians with unbolted bread,

Our bellytimber, quite as good,

Is made of any kind ofwood.[24]

You know the common farmer takesHis white oak wood for fencingstakes,But Lady Caustic fits in style,Superior white oaksteaks, to broil.

You know the common farmer takes

His white oak wood for fencingstakes,

But Lady Caustic fits in style,

Superior white oaksteaks, to broil.

She’s famous, too, forwhite oak cheese,Harder than granite, ten degrees;So hard that we’re obliged to take itTo some trip-hammer works to break it.

She’s famous, too, forwhite oak cheese,

Harder than granite, ten degrees;

So hard that we’re obliged to take it

To some trip-hammer works to break it.

Good hemlock bark philosophizedIn soup, by epicures is prized,A paste of button-wood, quoth I,Is cap-a-pie to cap a pie.

Good hemlock bark philosophized

In soup, by epicures is prized,

A paste of button-wood, quoth I,

Is cap-a-pie to cap a pie.

A stick of bass-wood, being bevill’dBy gastronomic art bedevill’d,Or served as Welchmen cook their cheese,A man of taste will always please.

A stick of bass-wood, being bevill’d

By gastronomic art bedevill’d,

Or served as Welchmen cook their cheese,

A man of taste will always please.

From saw dust, bran and pebble stones,Andquantum suff.of pounded bones,We form the most delicious dishesThat e’er indulged the gourmand’s wishes.

From saw dust, bran and pebble stones,

Andquantum suff.of pounded bones,

We form the most delicious dishes

That e’er indulged the gourmand’s wishes.

When our great plans are brought to pass,Mankinden massemay go to grass;And every rover, will moreover,Enjoy his lot like pig in clover.

When our great plans are brought to pass,

Mankinden massemay go to grass;

And every rover, will moreover,

Enjoy his lot like pig in clover.

We next crave liberty to mentionAnother wonderful invention;A sort of stenographic still,Alias a Patent Author’s mill.

We next crave liberty to mention

Another wonderful invention;

A sort of stenographic still,

Alias a Patent Author’s mill.

We fill its hopper with a setOf letters of the alphabet,And turn out eulogies, orations,Or themes for July celebrations,—

We fill its hopper with a set

Of letters of the alphabet,

And turn out eulogies, orations,

Or themes for July celebrations,—

News, both domestic and extraneous,Essays, and extracts miscellaneous,We manufacture by the meansOf said superlative machines.

News, both domestic and extraneous,

Essays, and extracts miscellaneous,

We manufacture by the means

Of said superlative machines.

This last invention also reachesTo making Congress members’ speeches;Would they adopt it, though we’ve said it,T’would cent per cent enhance their credit.

This last invention also reaches

To making Congress members’ speeches;

Would they adopt it, though we’ve said it,

T’would cent per cent enhance their credit.

We hammer’d out a lawyer’s jaw mill,Which went by water like a saw-millWith so much clamor, fire and fury,It thunderstruck the judge and jury.

We hammer’d out a lawyer’s jaw mill,

Which went by water like a saw-mill

With so much clamor, fire and fury,

It thunderstruck the judge and jury.

A syllogism, which embracesAll knotty, complicated cases,We fabricated and appliedTo every cause which could be tried.

A syllogism, which embraces

All knotty, complicated cases,

We fabricated and applied

To every cause which could be tried.

Oft have I quench’d man’s vital spark:“The soul’s old cottage,” cold and dark,Again, in spite of death, our grand ill,Illumed as one would light a candle.[25]

Oft have I quench’d man’s vital spark:

“The soul’s old cottage,” cold and dark,

Again, in spite of death, our grand ill,

Illumed as one would light a candle.[25]

Display’d a mode in Latin thesisTo pick the human frame to pieces;The parts deposit by themselves,Like mineral specimens on shelves;—

Display’d a mode in Latin thesis

To pick the human frame to pieces;

The parts deposit by themselves,

Like mineral specimens on shelves;—

And having scour’d off every particleWhich clogg’d the motions of the article,The vital functions to restoreTo healthier action than before.[26]

And having scour’d off every particle

Which clogg’d the motions of the article,

The vital functions to restore

To healthier action than before.[26]

Thus, brother Ovid said or sung once,The Gods ofoldfolks could makeyoungones[27]By process, not one whit acuter,Than makingnewpots from old pewter.

Thus, brother Ovid said or sung once,

The Gods ofoldfolks could makeyoungones[27]

By process, not one whit acuter,

Than makingnewpots from old pewter.

So famed Aldini, erst in France,Led dead folks down a country-dance,And made them rigadoon and chasseAs well as when alive, I dare say!

So famed Aldini, erst in France,

Led dead folks down a country-dance,

And made them rigadoon and chasse

As well as when alive, I dare say!

And I once offer’d, very prettily,To patch up Frenchmen kill’d in Italy,Though shot, or stabb’d, or hack’d with fell blows,As wives patch coats when out at elbows!

And I once offer’d, very prettily,

To patch up Frenchmen kill’d in Italy,

Though shot, or stabb’d, or hack’d with fell blows,

As wives patch coats when out at elbows!

Profoundly versed in chymic science,I could bid matter’s law defiance;Was up to nature, or beyond her,In mimic earthquakes, rain, and thunder![28]

Profoundly versed in chymic science,

I could bid matter’s law defiance;

Was up to nature, or beyond her,

In mimic earthquakes, rain, and thunder![28]

And by a shock of electricity,(I tell the truth without duplicity)I did (what won’t again be soon done)E’en fairly knock the man in the moon down![29]

And by a shock of electricity,

(I tell the truth without duplicity)

I did (what won’t again be soon done)

E’en fairly knock the man in the moon down![29]

On ocean’s bottom we can travel,Thorough mud and thorough gravel;While over head hoarse tempests hurtleWith more adroitness than a turtle.

On ocean’s bottom we can travel,

Thorough mud and thorough gravel;

While over head hoarse tempests hurtle

With more adroitness than a turtle.

Priestly first caused our head to teemWith this most eligible scheme,Supplied us vital air, which stuffWe took like macaroni snuff.[30]

Priestly first caused our head to teem

With this most eligible scheme,

Supplied us vital air, which stuff

We took like macaroni snuff.[30]

Encamp’d beneath a huge ice island,For nineteen years we didn’t come nigh land,And could have staid, as well as not,E’en had the sea been boiling hot.

Encamp’d beneath a huge ice island,

For nineteen years we didn’t come nigh land,

And could have staid, as well as not,

E’en had the sea been boiling hot.

In car triumphant, drawn by whales,Tackled to their tremendous tails,We rode sublime, and claim’d a rightTo everything which hove in sight.

In car triumphant, drawn by whales,

Tackled to their tremendous tails,

We rode sublime, and claim’d a right

To everything which hove in sight.

Old Neptune’s realm, ’tis our intent,To make a Yankee-settlement,And if Britannia interferes[31]We’il twist her ugly lion’s ears.

Old Neptune’s realm, ’tis our intent,

To make a Yankee-settlement,

And if Britannia interferes[31]

We’il twist her ugly lion’s ears.

An Iceland burning mountain’s gorgeWe metamorphos’d to a forge,And made therein as many asTen thousand tons ofsolid gas.

An Iceland burning mountain’s gorge

We metamorphos’d to a forge,

And made therein as many as

Ten thousand tons ofsolid gas.

This we can let off at our leisure,Like Shakspeare’s conjurer, wield at pleasureThe explosive elements of thunder,With power to rive the globe asunder.

This we can let off at our leisure,

Like Shakspeare’s conjurer, wield at pleasure

The explosive elements of thunder,

With power to rive the globe asunder.

And if the theory of Babbage[32]Is worth a single head of cabbage,This grand plenipotent gas of oursWill supersede all moving powers.

And if the theory of Babbage[32]

Is worth a single head of cabbage,

This grand plenipotent gas of ours

Will supersede all moving powers.

With this will drive aerial cars,Send hourly coaches to the stars,A lightning opposition lineWould be a snail compared to mine.

With this will drive aerial cars,

Send hourly coaches to the stars,

A lightning opposition line

Would be a snail compared to mine.

We seized the moon, by mickle strength,And brought her down, within arm’s length,—And made her, under our protection,Submit to critical inspection.

We seized the moon, by mickle strength,

And brought her down, within arm’s length,—

And made her, under our protection,

Submit to critical inspection.

Her Natural History and Topography,With plates of Pendleton’s lithography,We mean to print and publish soon,And call itMirror of the Moon.

Her Natural History and Topography,

With plates of Pendleton’s lithography,

We mean to print and publish soon,

And call itMirror of the Moon.

Like us, was never man besidesTo calculate aerial tides;Though Volney undertook to do itHe wanted science to go through it.[33]

Like us, was never man besides

To calculate aerial tides;

Though Volney undertook to do it

He wanted science to go through it.[33]

But we can let your worships knowWhich way, next year the wind will blow,And indicate without verbosity,The measure of its mean velocity.

But we can let your worships know

Which way, next year the wind will blow,

And indicate without verbosity,

The measure of its mean velocity.

We gagg’d sage Darwin’s polar bear,And would not let him “vomit air;”[34]Thus spoil’d the Boreal ventilator,And made avacuumat the equator.

We gagg’d sage Darwin’s polar bear,

And would not let him “vomit air;”[34]

Thus spoil’d the Boreal ventilator,

And made avacuumat the equator.

And then, by Doctor Priestley’s aid,A vital atmosphere was made,And stretch’d abroad, and found to answer,From Capricorn quite on to Cancer.

And then, by Doctor Priestley’s aid,

A vital atmosphere was made,

And stretch’d abroad, and found to answer,

From Capricorn quite on to Cancer.

We set an air balloon in motionTo float on th’ atmospheric ocean,Annex’d a log, which never fail’d,To give the distance which it sail’d:

We set an air balloon in motion

To float on th’ atmospheric ocean,

Annex’d a log, which never fail’d,

To give the distance which it sail’d:

And form’d a rudder, I assure it ye,By which we steer’d with great security,And could make good our destinationTo any harbor in creation.

And form’d a rudder, I assure it ye,

By which we steer’d with great security,

And could make good our destination

To any harbor in creation.

And we had nineteen pair of oars,All mann’d with philosophic rowers,Could therefore sail without a breeze,Or stem a hurricane with ease.[35]

And we had nineteen pair of oars,

All mann’d with philosophic rowers,

Could therefore sail without a breeze,

Or stem a hurricane with ease.[35]

We now make public our intentionBy aid of said superb invention,To send a well arm’d air balloonTo take and colonize the moon.

We now make public our intention

By aid of said superb invention,

To send a well arm’d air balloon

To take and colonize the moon.

A most inveterate believerIn foreign source of yellow fever,We say his sconce must be fuliginous,Who holds that plague to be indigenous.

A most inveterate believer

In foreign source of yellow fever,

We say his sconce must be fuliginous,

Who holds that plague to be indigenous.

As to th’ extent of its dominionWe’ll give our medical opinion;When next we greet your worships, pleaseTo give security for fees.

As to th’ extent of its dominion

We’ll give our medical opinion;

When next we greet your worships, please

To give security for fees.

This dire disorder is contagiousAnd its contagion is outrageous,[36]’Twill rage like wild-fire, anywhere,On dryest soil, in purest air.

This dire disorder is contagious

And its contagion is outrageous,[36]

’Twill rage like wild-fire, anywhere,

On dryest soil, in purest air.

It is an animalcule, whichIs propagated like the itch,—Communicated like small pox,But can’t be bred in dirty docks.

It is an animalcule, which

Is propagated like the itch,—

Communicated like small pox,

But can’t be bred in dirty docks.

From patient’s breath an emanation,By contact or approximationIt may, as learned men have stated,Be everywhere disseminated.

From patient’s breath an emanation,

By contact or approximation

It may, as learned men have stated,

Be everywhere disseminated.

From friends infected, children, wives,Let all men scamper then, for lives;The wretches shun like Charon’s ferry,And leave the dead themselves to bury.

From friends infected, children, wives,

Let all men scamper then, for lives;

The wretches shun like Charon’s ferry,

And leave the dead themselves to bury.

’T is true some simpletons have saidA kind of fever may be bredBy heat conjoin’d with putrefaction,Which suits contagionists to a fraction.

’T is true some simpletons have said

A kind of fever may be bred

By heat conjoin’d with putrefaction,

Which suits contagionists to a fraction.

They tell you, if these causes mayProduce the plague in Africa,It would, to common sense, appearThey might effect the fever here.

They tell you, if these causes may

Produce the plague in Africa,

It would, to common sense, appear

They might effect the fever here.

That true philosophy expectsFrom alllike causes like effects;For Nature never play’d a prankTo cheat us, like a mountebank.

That true philosophy expects

From alllike causes like effects;

For Nature never play’d a prank

To cheat us, like a mountebank.

But these dull dolts don’t understandThat in “Columbia’s happy land,”Nature, for sake of “Freedom’s cause,”Will set aside her general laws.

But these dull dolts don’t understand

That in “Columbia’s happy land,”

Nature, for sake of “Freedom’s cause,”

Will set aside her general laws.

Said yellow fever can endureNothing offensive or impure,Bad water or mephitic airOr dead cats in a thoroughfare.

Said yellow fever can endure

Nothing offensive or impure,

Bad water or mephitic air

Or dead cats in a thoroughfare.

Therefore, good cits, in sultry weatherCollect your dirtiness together,And then contrive to lodge it prettyNigh to the centre of the city.

Therefore, good cits, in sultry weather

Collect your dirtiness together,

And then contrive to lodge it pretty

Nigh to the centre of the city.

The fever, meeting such a mound,Will turn about and quit the ground,And leave the fortunate dirt-protectedInhabitants, quite uninfected.

The fever, meeting such a mound,

Will turn about and quit the ground,

And leave the fortunate dirt-protected

Inhabitants, quite uninfected.

Filth, on earth’s surface, it is clear,Its like attracts from th’ atmosphere,And always leaves a pure vicinity,By laws of chemical affinity.[37]

Filth, on earth’s surface, it is clear,

Its like attracts from th’ atmosphere,

And always leaves a pure vicinity,

By laws of chemical affinity.[37]

Our citizens, their next resourceShould cause a “social intercourse,”By perforating banks and bounds’Twixt vaults and wells and burying-grounds.

Our citizens, their next resource

Should cause a “social intercourse,”

By perforating banks and bounds

’Twixt vaults and wells and burying-grounds.

For such good management ensuresAgainst expense in digging sewers;Because a well, ’tis very plain,Serve all its neighborhood for a drain.

For such good management ensures

Against expense in digging sewers;

Because a well, ’tis very plain,

Serve all its neighborhood for a drain.

These things accomplish’d ’twill be veryCorrect their relatives to buryScarce under ground, in the most populousAnd busy part of the metropolis.

These things accomplish’d ’twill be very

Correct their relatives to bury

Scarce under ground, in the most populous

And busy part of the metropolis.

For ’twould be decorous, at least.In memory of the dear deceased,At once to answer two good ends,Todrink toandto drinkour friends.

For ’twould be decorous, at least.

In memory of the dear deceased,

At once to answer two good ends,

Todrink toandto drinkour friends.

Thus Artemisia, ’twas I think,Made her dead husband diet drink,And thereby, probably enough,Saved gallipots of doctor’s stuff.

Thus Artemisia, ’twas I think,

Made her dead husband diet drink,

And thereby, probably enough,

Saved gallipots of doctor’s stuff.

Proceed to scoop each populous place inTo something very like a basin,And let the centre of your martBe on or near the lowest part.

Proceed to scoop each populous place in

To something very like a basin,

And let the centre of your mart

Be on or near the lowest part.

Well, after all these things are finish’d,Let no man’s efforts be diminish’d,But this good maxim keep in view,That nought is done if aught’s to do.

Well, after all these things are finish’d,

Let no man’s efforts be diminish’d,

But this good maxim keep in view,

That nought is done if aught’s to do.

Then fall too, gentlemen, and grubUp every root and tree and shrub,Each trace of vegetation foundIn town and out, for ten miles round.

Then fall too, gentlemen, and grub

Up every root and tree and shrub,

Each trace of vegetation found

In town and out, for ten miles round.

Your “useful labors” to completeIn every square, side-walk and street,By way of ornament then pleaseTo set out Bohun Upas trees.

Your “useful labors” to complete

In every square, side-walk and street,

By way of ornament then please

To set out Bohun Upas trees.

If after all the fiend we findIs not to emigrate inclined,But like too many a foreign caitiffDeclares on oath he is a native,

If after all the fiend we find

Is not to emigrate inclined,

But like too many a foreign caitiff

Declares on oath he is a native,

To counteract him, my advice isTo tow us down the polar ices,And when a field or two is brought us,’Twill drive him into winter quarters.

To counteract him, my advice is

To tow us down the polar ices,

And when a field or two is brought us,

’Twill drive him into winter quarters.

This thing your worships well know canBe done on Doctor Darwin’s plan,And ’tis the best work, past a doubt,Our gun boats can be set about.

This thing your worships well know can

Be done on Doctor Darwin’s plan,

And ’tis the best work, past a doubt,

Our gun boats can be set about.

Paulo majora nunc canamus,[38]And hope the public will not blame usIf we should soar, (’tis our intention,)Above your worship’s comprehension.

Paulo majora nunc canamus,[38]

And hope the public will not blame us

If we should soar, (’tis our intention,)

Above your worship’s comprehension.

We’ve form’d the most tremendous plan,Which ever stretch’d the mind of man,And which to nothing less aspiresThan making moons from central fires.

We’ve form’d the most tremendous plan,

Which ever stretch’d the mind of man,

And which to nothing less aspires

Than making moons from central fires.

If theories of Doctor HuttonBe worth the shadow of a button,And Doctor Darwin has not blunder’d,We’ll turn out full moons by the hundred.[39]

If theories of Doctor Hutton

Be worth the shadow of a button,

And Doctor Darwin has not blunder’d,

We’ll turn out full moons by the hundred.[39]

We mean to bore us, at a venture,Some auger-holes through Hutton’s centre,Thus give an unexpected ventTo Hutton’s fires in prison pent.

We mean to bore us, at a venture,

Some auger-holes through Hutton’s centre,

Thus give an unexpected vent

To Hutton’s fires in prison pent.

We’ll fan his furnace by a pairOf bellows made of Franklin’s air,[40]For air, (a truth Count Rumford knew well,)Contains the very soul of fuel.

We’ll fan his furnace by a pair

Of bellows made of Franklin’s air,[40]

For air, (a truth Count Rumford knew well,)

Contains the very soul of fuel.

Then pour in suddenly the oceanTo add eclat to our explosion;—Water, your worships know, or may know,Adds terribly to a volcano.

Then pour in suddenly the ocean

To add eclat to our explosion;—

Water, your worships know, or may know,

Adds terribly to a volcano.

Each orifice will then give birthTo grand satellites of earth,Disploded dreadfully, dear me!Like Darwin’s moon from southern sea.

Each orifice will then give birth

To grand satellites of earth,

Disploded dreadfully, dear me!

Like Darwin’s moon from southern sea.

How will the universe admire,When my vast bickering globes of fire,In grand Darwinian style shall rise,Like flying mountains through the skies.

How will the universe admire,

When my vast bickering globes of fire,

In grand Darwinian style shall rise,

Like flying mountains through the skies.

Though said sublime explosions mustDestroy good Doctor Burnet’s crust,[41]By Parker’s cement we’ll endeavor[42]To make his shell as good as ever.

Though said sublime explosions must

Destroy good Doctor Burnet’s crust,[41]

By Parker’s cement we’ll endeavor[42]

To make his shell as good as ever.

Now when we’ve made our batch of moons,Philosophers, unless they’re loons,Will, though we’re such a surly gnostic,Name one of them “Great Doctor Caustic!”

Now when we’ve made our batch of moons,

Philosophers, unless they’re loons,

Will, though we’re such a surly gnostic,

Name one of them “Great Doctor Caustic!”

These, among many, are but fewOf mighty things that I could do;All which I’ll state, if ’tis your pleasure,Much more at large when more at leisure.

These, among many, are but few

Of mighty things that I could do;

All which I’ll state, if ’tis your pleasure,

Much more at large when more at leisure.

Now, it appears, from what I state here,My plans for mending human natureEntitle me to take the chairFrom Rousseau, Godwin, or Voltaire.

Now, it appears, from what I state here,

My plans for mending human nature

Entitle me to take the chair

From Rousseau, Godwin, or Voltaire.

They are of most immenseutility;All tend to man’s perfectibility;And if pursued, I dare to venture ye,He’ll be an angel in a century.

They are of most immenseutility;

All tend to man’s perfectibility;

And if pursued, I dare to venture ye,

He’ll be an angel in a century.

Although St Pierre, a knowing chap,Deserves a feather in his capFor having boldly set his foot onThe foolish trash of Isaac Newton;[43]

Although St Pierre, a knowing chap,

Deserves a feather in his cap

For having boldly set his foot on

The foolish trash of Isaac Newton;[43]

Contrived a scheme, which very nice is,For making tides of polar ices;And fed old Ocean’s tub with fountains,From arctic and antarctic mountains.

Contrived a scheme, which very nice is,

For making tides of polar ices;

And fed old Ocean’s tub with fountains,

From arctic and antarctic mountains.

Though Mister Godwin told us howTo make a clever sort of plough,[44]Which would e’en set itself to work,And plough an acre in a jerk.

Though Mister Godwin told us how

To make a clever sort of plough,[44]

Which would e’en set itself to work,

And plough an acre in a jerk.

Though Price’s projects are so clever,They show us how to live for ever[45]Unless we blunder, to our cost,And break our heads against a post!

Though Price’s projects are so clever,

They show us how to live for ever[45]

Unless we blunder, to our cost,

And break our heads against a post!

Though Darwin, thinking to dismay us,Made dreadful clattering in chaos,And form’d, with horrid quakes t’ assist him,His newexplodedsolar system.[46]

Though Darwin, thinking to dismay us,

Made dreadful clattering in chaos,

And form’d, with horrid quakes t’ assist him,

His newexplodedsolar system.[46]

Though Volney, having in hisview,First peer’d our continent through and through,[47]Left us a specimen of the qualityOfgraduatedFrench morality.[48]

Though Volney, having in hisview,

First peer’d our continent through and through,[47]

Left us a specimen of the quality

OfgraduatedFrench morality.[48]

Though Priestley manufactured souls,For which we had him o’er the coals,A thing we had forgot to mention,For making use ofourinvention.

Though Priestley manufactured souls,

For which we had him o’er the coals,

A thing we had forgot to mention,

For making use ofourinvention.

Buffon, with other wonders done,A comet dash’d athwart the sun,And, hitting off a flaming slice,Our earthcreatedin a trice.

Buffon, with other wonders done,

A comet dash’d athwart the sun,

And, hitting off a flaming slice,

Our earthcreatedin a trice.

These wights, when taken altogether,Are but the shadow of a featherCompared with Caustic, even asA puff of hydrogenous gas.

These wights, when taken altogether,

Are but the shadow of a feather

Compared with Caustic, even as

A puff of hydrogenous gas.

Should you pronounce my systemslaxFor want of someastringentfacts,I’ll knock you down, by my surprisingNew method of philosophizing.

Should you pronounce my systemslax

For want of someastringentfacts,

I’ll knock you down, by my surprising

New method of philosophizing.

I first a fine new system form,Which none can either sap or storm;Then, to support my favorite plan,I muster all the facts I can.

I first a fine new system form,

Which none can either sap or storm;

Then, to support my favorite plan,

I muster all the facts I can.

To make my theories defensible,Whereas some facts are indispensable,From east, west, north and south I rake ’em,And when not ready made—I make them!!

To make my theories defensible,

Whereas some facts are indispensable,

From east, west, north and south I rake ’em,

And when not ready made—I make them!!

Thus, for posterity’s behoof,We’ve made our systems bullet proof:Assailing us with ire red hot,Is battering walls with pigeon shot.

Thus, for posterity’s behoof,

We’ve made our systems bullet proof:

Assailing us with ire red hot,

Is battering walls with pigeon shot.

But I, in spite of my renown,Alas! am harrass’d, hunted down;Completely damn’d, the simple fact is,ByPerkins’s Metallic Practice![49]

But I, in spite of my renown,

Alas! am harrass’d, hunted down;

Completely damn’d, the simple fact is,

ByPerkins’s Metallic Practice![49]

Our should-be wise and learn’d societiesAre guilty of great improprieties,In treating me in manner scandalous,As if I were a very Vandal; thus

Our should-be wise and learn’d societies

Are guilty of great improprieties,

In treating me in manner scandalous,

As if I were a very Vandal; thus

Determined, as I have no doubt,My sun of genius to put out,Which, once extinct, they think that so ’tisTheirglow-worm lights may claim some notice.

Determined, as I have no doubt,

My sun of genius to put out,

Which, once extinct, they think that so ’tis

Theirglow-worm lights may claim some notice.

Such hum-drum heads and hollow heartsPretend, forsooth, t’ encourage arts!But that pretence, in every sense isThe flimsiest of all pretences.

Such hum-drum heads and hollow hearts

Pretend, forsooth, t’ encourage arts!

But that pretence, in every sense is

The flimsiest of all pretences.

Those noble spirited MacenasesTo me have shown the greatest meannesses;Have granted me for these things said all,Not one half-penny, nor a medal!!!

Those noble spirited Macenases

To me have shown the greatest meannesses;

Have granted me for these things said all,

Not one half-penny, nor a medal!!!

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