[96]Say that the devil never fails.This stanza contains a legendary tale, which I dare say is as true, as that which commemorates a notable exploit of St. Dunstan in seizing old satan, one dark night in the tenth century, and wringing the nose of his infernal majesty with a pair of red-hot black-smith’s pincers, which made him roar and scold at such a rate, that he awakened and terrified all the good people of Glastonbury and its neighborhood.[97]In gulping tractors down, for med’cines.An old lady of my acquaintance was actually advised by aningeniousson of Galen, an apothecary, resident a few miles north of London, to swallow tractors for an internal complaint. If our profession were to follow this laudable example, and force their patients to swallow them for pills, and then give the public a judicious detail of the terrible consequences, ending with the death of the patients, Perkinism would sink into that contempt in the estimation of the public which it justly deserves.[98]In wilds where science ne’er was thought on.That is, in the United States of America, among Indians and Yankees. You will find, gentlemen, much to the purpose relative to the state of science, where Perkinism originated, in theMonthly Magazine, of January, 1803, under the title of “Animadversions on the present state of literature and taste in the United States, communicated by an English gentleman lately returned from America.” This gentleman gives information that the Americans are wretchedly “behind-hand in sciencewiththe Britains.” Indeed, those transatlantic younkers ought, in half a century, to have established universities and other seminaries of learning, at least asoldand respectable as those of Oxford and Cambridge, and which should have graduated as many students and produced as many great men. As to the parsimonious spirit of Americans in encouraging science (which this gentleman animadverts upon with laudable indignation) it ought truly to be exclaimed against by us Englishmen, for the weighty reason following: Great Britain, “from time whereof the memory of man runneth not to the contrary” (as judge Blackstone says) hath starved some of her first poets; such for instance as Butler, Otway, Chatterton, Dryden, Savage, &c. &c. &c. &c. consequently (according to the same author) she ought to enjoy theexclusive “customary privilege”of inflicting the horrors of starvation on the sons of the muses: but it must be granted, for the honor of British munificence, that the scientific Herschel, in the decline of life, as a reward for immortalizing his present majesty, by inscribing Georgium Sidus in the great folio of the heavens, is allowed the enormous pension of 80l.per annum!!This instance ofliberality, in rewarding merit, has caused me to suspendmyanimadversions relative to patronage afforded men ofreal sciencein Great Britain, till I can discover whether it be the absolute determination of my countrymen to starve doctor Caustic.[99]Say it was twinn’d with monstrous mammoth.And must, of course, be a most terrible wild beast.—Ladies and gentlemen may form a tolerable idea of the enormity of Perkinism, by viewing the skeleton of a mammoth now exhibiting in Pall Mall, in the very place where lately were to be seen those terrible caricatures of the devil, &c. under the appellation ofFuseli’s Milton Gallery.[100]And to go near it you’d be d—d loth.This manifesto, you will please to recollect, is the language of gentlemen physicians. Now it is well known that you possess a privilege, sanctioned by long and invariable practice, if not founded on act of parliament, to enforce your sentiments by certainenergeticexpressions, which, in the mouths of people of less consequence, would be considered as very vulgar, and nearly allied toprofane swearing. And since your worships ever most manfully exercise this privilege to the full extent of its limits, the present manifesto would have been extremely inapposite and unnatural, had not anornamentof this kind been introduced.[101]Theboldestsons of Galen call on.I say theboldest; for we cannot rely on the aid of thewholeEsculapian phalanx. Many white-livered dastards, who disgrace our profession, have shown a disposition to remain neuter, or fight under Perkinean banners![102]Than Howard’s fulminating powder.It is a long time since the public have had anyreportsfrom the honorable Mr Howard’s fulminating powder, which, three years since, made so muchnoise, that the world had reason to expect that thethunderiferouschymist would make no more of exploding to old Nick a whole army of Frenchmen, with Buonaparte at its head, than would a cockney sportsman of shooting a tame goose on the first of September.Whether this mighty affair is allblown up, or what may have been the cause of thesilenceof those who defended a thing which soloudlyproclaimed its own merits, it becomes Mr Howard to explain.Of this he may be assured, if he do not stir his stumps in order to fulfilsomeof the fair promises which he and his friends have made to the Royal Society and the public, of the astonishing achievements they were about to perform, by the demi-omnipotent power of his new invented artificial thunder, I hereby give thealarmingintelligence that I will apply my own superior talents to thissonoroussubject. Should that happen, those laurels which were designed to decorate the brow of Mr Howard will be tied in a bow-knot round my venerable temples. For, in that case, the learned chymist’s acquisitions, in the art ofintonation, will bear no better comparison to those of Dr Caustic, than the clattering wagon-wheels of Salmoneus to the world-astounding thunderbolts of Jupiter. No person can doubt my being able to accomplish all this, who is apprized, as he may be from perusing this performance, of the vast quantity of the mostdetonatingkind ofmercurywhich exists in my composition, and which willfulminatewith greater effect, than thegoldandsilverthat line themagnipotentpurse of the honorable the heirapparentto the duke of Norfolk.[103]“Kill’d off,” at Marengo.I have several times taken a confounded deal of trouble tohaulinto my poem this beautiful specimen of parliamentary elocution; and, in my opinion, nothing can be better imagined, or more happily accomplished. Poetry and oratory, as the ancients inform us, were bothwhelpedat one litter; consequently the same phrase which glittered in the harangue ofmybull-baiting friend, William Windham, a British senator, cannot fail to cut a dash in the stanza ofhisseraphical friend, Christopher Caustic, a British poet.Now, as I am a great admirer of French principles, and that new and accommodating kind of morality, by Frenchmen discovered, and which I ever have and ever will eulogize, to the utmost extent of my faculties, perhaps your worships will express no small degree of wonderment why I should be the intimate friend of a gentleman, theblazeof whose oratory, one would suppose, would haveblastedBuonaparte, and evensingedthe whole French republic. But those who are admitted behind the political curtain will perceive that thetendencyof the measures which Mr Windham supports is topromotethose jacobinic principles, of which Dr Causticopenlyandhonestlyprofesses himself to be the determined propagator and defender.[104]And never meddle with astrumpet.Surely, no person will imagine that I would, for the world, allude to anyotherlady than madam Fame herself.[105]Andblazethrough eitherfrozenzone.I have very substantial reasons for spreading glad tidings of our redoubtable chieftain among the most distant inhabitants of the globe, in preference to endeavoring to add to his great celebrity “within the periphery of his associates.” And, whereas it has been said that this gentleman’s reputation will ever stand highest where he is either not known at all, or known only by those literary productions, in which he is himself the theme of his own most “ardent praise,” mine shall be the humble task of trumpeting the doctor’s name among the distant inhabitants of this dirty planet; while the doctor shall himself “dip his pen in ethereal and indelible ink, and impress his observations in characters legible in the great volume of the heavens.”[106]As one would spit agoosefor roasting.True it is, though “passing strange,” that agreatand good man, composed, as hehimselfcan attest, of the very essence of humanity, is often most vilely, most audaciously, and most atrociously bespattered by a set of saucy reviewers.Those wicked wits, the writers in theMonthlyandCritical Reviews, especially the latter, in a critique on one of the late works of a certain doctor of self puffing memory, tells us that “the importance of a man to himself was never more conspicuous than in this publication. Dr Lettsom admits that he has been anticipated by several distinguished authors; but modestly hints that some of his particular friends will form no opinion [respecting the cow-pox] till they have ascertainedhissentiments.” They then have the audacity to declare, that “he merits no slight punishment for his pompous inflated language, for his fulsome flattery, and ridiculous exaggeration of every part of the subject.”See how they speak of a late publication of the doctor on certain charitable institutions:—“Unless to connect these different institutions, to lead the different radii to a centre, while that centre is the author and the editor, who can boast,Quæ ipse misserima vidi, et quorum pars magna fui!we see little advantage in this edition. We mean not to intimate the slightest disapprobation of these institutions, or of humanity in general; but when we see pomp and egotism assuming its garb, when vanity and ostentation occasionally peep from beneath the robe, we feel no little disgust from comparing the fascinating exterior with the unpleasing contents,” &c. They likewise have the impudence to assert that some of the doctor’s plans are “better suited to the superstition of a Hindoo, than to the nature of a rational christian.” And in another review they declare: “We mean not to stoop to any; but will tell Dr Lettsom his faults” [consummate assurance!!] “as well as any other author; nor will we conceal that mean mark of a little mind, over-weening vanity. We saw it in its germ, have watched its opening bud, till it is expanded into its blossom. The literary life of Dr L—— may well be styled theprogressof vanity: the termination is yet to come: but we have ample materials for the subject.” SeeMonthly Review, of July, andCritical Review, of Sept. 1802, and Feb. 1803.[107]They’ll fall before great doctor Lettsom.I resolved to recommend your arranging yourselves under the banners of this Leviathan of the Galenical throng, from the moment I first heard of his noble and spirited sally against the tractors. Disdaining the wretched trammels ofwhyandwherefore, and without assigning those paltry trifles, calledreasons, for his opinions, on the merits of Perkinism, our intrepid commander determined to extirpate it root and branch, with his simpleipse dixit. This is what we ought to expect from a hero of such prowess. See how well he manages these metallic makers of mischief! In a eulogium (a very agreeable thing to amodestman during his life time) on his friend Dr Haygarth, contained in the work which those wicked reviewers above mentioned have treated so irreverently, he mentions (page 277) the “important object,” which Dr Haygarth has so “happilyeffected.” This is “arresting andsubduingtwo poisons, the most fatal to the human race (fever and small-pox) and unveiling imposture, clothed in the meretricious garb of bold quackery:” a note on the word “imposture,” in the margin says, “Experiments on metallic tractors.” Now, unless I can borrow the pen of the learned doctor, dipped in “ETHEREALand indelible ink,” and a whole literary apparatus in proportion, I shall never be able to express how much I admire the matter above quoted, on account of the importantintelligencetherein contained. Before Dr L. asserted it, I dare say not an individual in the kingdom knew that Dr Haygarth had “effected” such an “important object,” that fever and small-pox were subdued, altogether extinct, despoiled of that venom which has hitherto “brought death into the world,” and so much wo. But true it is, they are quite extirpated, and all this by Dr Haygarth!! One cannot but exclaim against the perverseness of those members of parliament, who, regardless of thisnewsfrom Dr L. voted a reward to Dr Jenner for his services insubduingthe small-pox, and to Dr Smith, for his discoveries insubduingcontagious fevers. In short, I am almost ready to enforce the charge of ignorance against my brethren in the profession; for I have not yet met with one possessed of sufficient penetration to see, that neither fever nor small-pox “has a local habitation and a name among us,” and that they have been both “subdued,” and all this “effected,” by Dr Haygarth![108]Prepare the batteries of thy journal.Here I can, with certainty, calculate on the most powerful co-operation. This——, what shall I call it? This official Gazette of the profession—this Medico-Chymico-Comico-Repository, for the effusions of self-puffers, prescribing rules and recipes,“How best to fill his purse, and thin the town;”this powerful instrument of offensive and defensive warfare, has ever, with becoming vigilance, guarded its post against Perkinean invaders, and suffered no occasion to pass without a squirt of theGallicacid of satire, when there was deemed a possibility ofblackeningthe common enemy.I can never sufficiently express my approbation of the Carthagenian cunning with which this journal has been conducted. Dr B. professing great impartiality, in an early number, (see vol. ii. p. 85) invited communications on the subject of the tractors. Subsequent management evidently showed a slight omission in the doctor’s notice, and that he meantcommunications on one side only; for he has omitted no pains to procure and publish whatsoever could be suggestedagainstthe tractors; but though reports of cases in their favor, and all the publications of the patentee have been before him, not a syllable ofthesewas ever noticed by that gentleman; neither has it ever appeared by his journal that such facts ever existed.[109]By every nostrum, savethine own.I appeal to any of my brethren who have been gratified, as I often have been, with the Demosthenes-like torrent which has been so frequently poured forth, in our medical societies, by this “child and champion” of the Galenical throng, against quackery and all its appurtenances, whether it were fair to surmise, as some unconscionable rogues have done, that Dr B. has absolutely himself become the proprietor of a quack medicine. The fire of eloquence with which Perkinism, that most atrocious kind of quackery, has been so frequently, and so effectually assailed by the learned doctor at the medical society, at Guy’s, the Lyceum Medico Londinensis, &c. &c. &c. ought to have ensured Dr B. so much of the gratitude of the profession, that, although he shouldhimselfchoose to become one of the most arrant quacks in the kingdom, he might depend on your support of his reputation, and your exertions to uphold him. No subsequent apostacy on his part, I maintain, will justify a dereliction of him.Recal to your recollection, gentlemen, the denunciations he has so often made against every medical practitioner who should presume, either directly or indirectly, to offer any patronage to remedies which bore even the most distant resemblance to a nostrum. How often have the walls of the medical theatres of Saint Thomas’s hospital, and Windmill street, echoed loud responses to his declamations against the varlets, who should dare to recommend means, in the profits of the consumption of which the whole profession could not participate? How often have you received his invitations to send him your effusions and declamations against quackery, to receive an efficient publication in his journal? and what number of that journal has appeared without performing his promise, by honoring those effusions with a place in its immortal pages?Lest even these most important considerations should still find you inexorable, I trust I can show, by examining his conduct in regard to the quack medicine in question, that, if it be not praise-worthy, it is, at least, defensible.The title of the nostrum which has had the assistance of Dr B. in being introduced to the notice of a grateful public, is “A NEW MEDICINE FOR THE GOUT.” The pretended discoverer of this specific is, for very commendable, or, which is the same thing, veryprudentreasons, kept behind the curtain. I wish, however, to express my utter disbelief that either Dr Brodum or Dr Solomon is the happy mortal, however similar the style of the pamphlet, announcing this new medicine, may be to their erudite writings, and the pretensions of the said medicine to “balms of Gilead” and to “nervous cordials.”[110]’Gainst Belgraves, Colquhouns, Wilberforces!What business had these fellows to intrude their noses into the concerns of the Westminster infirmary? Brother B. had an undoubted right to manage, ormismanage, the funds of amedicalinstitution, as best suited his own convenience, without their troublesome interference.[111]Allin a chariot take an airing.I hereby enter a protest against any one of my commentators, whether he be Vanscanderdigindich the elder, or Hansvanshognosuch, his cousinGerman(twoDutchgeniuses, who have promised to furnish the next edition of this my pithy poem with a whole ass-load of annotations) or any other gentlemen critics or reviewers of equal profoundity, presuming to intimate, that I intend, by this passage, the smallest disrespect to yourpedestrianphysicians. Far from that; I know that many good and great men (like myself for example) cannot even pay a shilling for hackney-coach hire. No, gentlemen; I have two great objects in view, to wit:1. To encourage my brother B—to persevere in his laudable attempt to kick Perkinism back to the country whence it originated, by reminding him, that if the feat were once performed, he might,perhaps, soon afford the expense of a chariot to transport, in a respectable manner,allthat wig, without laying the entire burden on the curious sconce it now envelopes.2. To remind brother B—, and the profession in general, how much more execution may be done by a charioteer than by a pedestrian physician.Although great men frequently differ, I am happy to find MrAddison’sopinion andmine, in this particular, perfectly consentaneous.“This body of men,” says he, speaking of physicians in our own country, “may be described like the British army in Cæsar’s time. Some slay in chariots, and some on foot. If the infantry do less execution than the charioteers, it is because they cannot be carried, so soon, into all parts of the town, and despatch so much business in so short a time.” Spectator, No. 21.Not an individual, I will venture to assert, who knows my brother B—, but must feel the really urgent necessity of elevating him, as soon as possible, fromle paveand giving those talents their fullswing. Then, indeed, soon might our charioteer justly boast—“London, with all her passing bells, can tell,By this right arm what mighty numbers fell.Whilst others meanly ask’d whole months to slay,I oft despatch’d the patient in a day.With pen in hand, I push’d to that degree,I scarce had left a wretch to give a fee.Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel,And death in ambush lay in every pill;For save, or slay, this privilege we claim,Though credit suffers, the reward’s the same.”[112]From Brodum down togaseousThornton.I am fully sensible that many of my brethren, of less discernment than myself, would have assigned this famous little genius a rank on the empirical list even above Dr Brodum. Makingpuffingtheir criterion, they will argue that those acute half-guinea paragraphs which we occasionally see at the fag end of theTimesand other morning papers, respecting that “very learned physician,”—his “greatdiscoveries, and improvements in the medical application of the gases,”—his “grand nationaland botanical work,” and fifty others of the same strain, asserting the high claims of thisairywriter on the gratitude of the public, are incontestable proofs of his superior merits in thepuffingdepartment, which, say they, are some of the most necessary ingredients in the formation of a charlatan. All this is specious reasoning; but I trust I shall show its fallacy. Pre-eminence, in my opinion, must be founded on some intrinsic excellence, original and independent of adventitious circumstances. If we closely examine the merits of this candidate, we shall find that there can be no great claim on this score. Let any man enjoy the faculties and advantages of a general dealer in theairs, who must of course havepuffsof all descriptions at hand; and where is the merit of occasionallyletting off one?If there be anything like originality in this industrious little philosopher, and for the invention of which I should be inclined to allow him the credit of ingenuity, it consists in hismeritometer, which proposes to measure the merits of his fellow creatures by the degree of faith they can afford to bestow on the infallibility of his gases as a panacea. See his plan of this instrument, or rather the deductions drawn from his trials of it, in his large five volumecompilation of “Extracts,”vol. i. page 459. From this scale it appears, that of one thousand of mankind nine hundred and ninety-nine are either fools or knaves, as that proportion places no confidence in the efficacy of his catholicon. I hope, therefore, after the good reasons here assigned for my conduct, I shall not be suspected of partiality to Dr Brodum in retaining him at the head of the quacks, nor ill will to Dr T. for not calling him up higher on the list.[113]The Thalaba of English metre.Mr Southey, in his work with the title of “Thalaba or the Destroyer,” has given us a fine example of a pleasing dreadful performance, which is neither prose, rhyme, nor reason. Indeed, nothing but the inspiration of the gas which we have seen him inhale in the first canto, could have generated the following effusions.“A Teraph stood against the cavern side,A new born infant’s head,That Khawla at his hour of death had seized,And from the shoulders wrung.It stood upon a plate of gold,An unclean spirit’s name inscribed beneath:The cheeks weredeathydark,Dark the dead skin upon the hairless skull;The lips wereblueypale;Only the eyes had life,They gleamed with demon light.”Book ii.Again he towers in Book v.“There where the narrowing chasmRose loftier in the hill,Stood Zohak, wretched man, condemned to keepHis cave of punishment.His was the frequent screamWhich far away the prowling Chacal heard,And howled in terror back.Far from his shoulders grewTwo snakes of monster sizeThat ever at his headAimed eager their keen teethTo satiate raving hunger with his brain.He in the eternal conflict oft would seizeTheir swelling necks, and in his giant graspBruise them, and rend their flesh with bloody nails,And howl for agonyFeeling the pangs he gave, for of himselfInseparable parts his torturers grew.”Now, if in this age of turmoils your worships should have occasion to educate a school of assassins, to be employed as Talleyrand employs his agents, for the purpose of promoting modern philanthropy and French projects of universal empire, I should advise you to prepare them intellectual food from such descriptions as we have quoted above. By accustoming your pupils to meditate on such horrible descriptions you will soon enable them to inflict without compunction or remorse, sufferings like those, which they have been in the habit of contemplating.We are sorry to see, however, that our friend, Dr Darwin, has been pleased to express his disapprobation of this species of theterriblein style, without which your small poets can never become conspicuous. We shall, however, quote one of his sentiments on the subject merely to let the world know that we great wits do not always tally upon every point.The doctor tells us in his Botanic Garden, p. 115, that there is a “line of boundary between the tragic and the horrid; which line, however, will veer a little this way or that, according to the prevailing manners of the age or country, and the peculiar association of ideas, or idiosyncrasy of mind, of individuals.”Now I am apprehensive that doctor Darwin would have adjudged the greater part of Mr Southey’s sublimity to be of the “horrid” rather than thetragicorsublimekind. Such an opinion, however, would not only greatly tarnish the reputation of the critic who should venture to pronounce it, but would entirely put down many pretty good poets, who, as the Edinburgh reviewers say, must have a “qu’il mourut,” and a “let there be light” in every line; and all their characters must be in agonies and ecstacies, from their entrance to their exit.[G]Thalaba, having leaped into a “little car” which appears to have been drawn by “four living pinions, headless, bodyless, sprung from one stem that branched below, in four down arching limbs, and clenched the carrings endlong and aside, with claws of griffin grasp;”“Down—down, it sank—down—down—Down—down—a mighty depth!—Down—down—and now it strikes.”There’s thebathosto perfection! Now, if we could in any way have prevailed on Mr Southey to have stopped this side of the centre of gravity, we should have been happy to have hired his “car” for this our dreadful rencontre. But as it appears that the Domdaniel cave soon afterfell in, I fancy it would cost more to dig out this vehicle than to get Mr Southey to make us a new one.[114]Adown through vast Domdaniel cares.That is, as Southey says, through the Domdaniel caves, “at the roots of the ocean.”[115]To monsieur Mahomet’s paradise.“Thalaba knew that his death-hour was come,And on he leapt, and springing up,Into the idol’s heartHilt deep he drove the sword.The ocean-vault fell in, and all were crushed.In the same moment at the gateOf paradise, Oneiza’s Houri-form,Welcomed her husband to eternal bliss.”[116]Now rant! rave! roar! and rend! and rattle.IChristopherCaustic,censured bycritics, for myaptalliterations, thoughartfullyallied, yetpresume it ispolicy for apennylesspoet topolish hispuny lays to such apitch ofperfection, thatposterity mayplease toplace thepithyproductionparamount to thepeakedpoint of thepinnicle ofPierianParnassus.[117]Drives, Jehu-like, Death’s iron wagon!!A poet of less judgment than myself would have seated Mars in the chariot of Victory, a Vauxhall car, or some other flimsy vehicle of that kind, which would be sure to be dashed to pieces in a conflict like this in which we are at present engaged. The carriage here introduced was made by Vulcan, in his best style of workmanship, for the express purpose of this attack, and in point of strength and size, bears no more proportion to the chariot commonly used by the god of war, than one of those huge broad-wheeled Manchester wagons to the little whalebonethingamywhich the duke of Queensbury ran at New Market.[118]Rend the blue “blanket” of the skies.This is the same “blanket” which Mr Canning said was “wet” when he exhibited it in the House of Commons. Since his use of it on that occasion it has been so frequentlywrungby the wits, that it has now become a perfectly dry and almost thread-bare article.[119]And round the Blue Ridge make all rattle.Volney informs us in his View that the Alleghany mountain is the frontier on which the south-west and north-west winds in America contend; and that he beheld a spectacle of that kind at Rockfish Gap, on the Blue Ridge. See American edition, page 148.[120]Huge, hissing hot, and hard as granite.It is to me a matter of doubt whether your worships are not absolutely ignorant of the causes and effects of the wonderful phenomena to which we now allude. But if you will please to take with us a stand for observation, exactly at the centre of gravity between the earth and the moon, and look about you with the eyes of great philosophers you will perceive what is well worth a world of admiration.You will perceive that what is vulgarly called theman in the moonis a prodigious volcano, in size much superior to any on our globe, and that this volcano is continually emitting rocks, which ever and anon are thrown beyond the sphere of the moon’s attraction, and of course make their way down upon us.You will likewise find, by turning to the second volume of the Philadelphia Literary Magazine, page 389, an account of above thirty different showers of stones, some of which have weighed not less than 300 pounds. And you will ascertain that there has been a great diversity of opinions among philosophers respecting the origin of these prodigies. Some have believed them to be thrown from some neighboring volcano. Some have thought them to have been wafted about by hurricanes. Others have supposed them to have been concretions formed in the atmosphere. Some have thought them to be masses which were detached from the planets at the time of the formation; and that they have been floating about in infinite space till they met with our earth, which became to them a new centre of gravity.But the truth is, as you may see through any common optical tube, from the situation to which I have just had the honor to conduct you, that these masses of matter are the product oflunar volcanos. Here we have a cause adequate to the effect, as I shall make evident in the following few words.A lunar volcano similar to those on our planet would project bodies much further from the moon than they would be thrown by the same force from Etna or Vesuvius; for,1. It is granted by great philosophers, such asourselfand Dr Darwin, that the moon has no atmosphere; of consequence, a body exploded from the moon would meet with no resistance excepting from the power of gravitation. Dr Darwin informs us, Botanic Garden, canto ii. “If the moon had no atmosphere at the time of its elevation from the earth; or if its atmosphere was afterwards stolen from it by the earth’s attraction, the water on the moon would rise quickly into vapor; and the cold produced by a certain quantity of this evaporation would congeal the remainder of it. Hence it is not probable that the moon is at present inhabited;but as it seems to have suffered and to continue to suffer much by volcanos, a sufficient quantity of air may in process of time be generated to produce an atmosphere, which may prevent its heat from so easily escaping, and its water from so easily evaporating, and thence become fit for the production of vegetables and animals.“That the moon possesses little or no atmosphere is deduced from the undiminished lustre of the stars at the instant when they emerge from behind her disk. That the ocean of the moon is frozen is confirmed from there being no appearance of lunar tides,” &c.2. Bodies on the moon possess much less gravity in proportion to their quantity of matter than bodies on the surface of the earth; for matter is attracted by the earth and moon, respectively, in proportion to the quantity of matter which each contains. It follows that a comparatively slight impulse, communicated to a body on the moon’s surface, would be sufficient to counteract its attraction towards the moon, and if it were propelled towards the earth it might come within its attraction, and would of course make its way to our planet.Thus it appears very evident, even to persons of your worships’ ordinary penetration, that these wonderful showers of stones are of lunar origin.[121]For doctor Tasker to descant on.I feel a very great solicitude to mould and modify every part and parcel of this performance according to rules and regulations of the best master-builders of epic poems, tragedies, and other great things of that kind. The judicious critic will perceive that all my wounds are inflicted with anatomical accuracy, and I have no doubt but my friend Dr Haygarth will do himself the honor to write a treatise upon this subject, and tell the world with what terrible propriety we have hewed and hacked our opponents in the field of battle. The reverend William Tasker, A. B. has furnished a model of this species of criticism inA Series of Letters, respecting “The Anatomical Knowledge of Homer,” &c. Dr Haygarth I expect will prove that the “death wounds” of Sarpedon, Hector, Ulysses’ dog, &c. as displayed in the treatise of Dr Tasker, were mere flea bites compared with these of Dr Caustic.[122]From where the head to where the tail is.Or more correctly where the tailwas. Lord Monboddo tells us that men, as well as monkies, were formerly dignified with long tails protruding from the place where (according to Butler) honor is lodged. Philosophers and antiquaries had never been able to discover how man became divested of this ornament, till my friend, Dr Anderson, furnished a clue to the mystery. From this discovery I am led to suppose that your antediluvian bucks began the practice ofCUR-tail-ing these excrescences for gentility’s sake, and what was at firstartificialbecame in due timenatural, till, at length, your righttippies, as in modern times, were entirely disencumbered of that monkey-like appendage; but our Bond-street loungers, although divested of that exterior mark of the monkey, with a laudable desire to prevent the intentions of Nature from being defeated, have adopted all the ourang-outang-icalairswhich she originally designed should discriminate that species ofanimalsfrom man.[123]With burning lapis infernalis.The use of thiscausticand other escharotics on this momentous occasion reminds me of an important era in my life, asuccinctbiographical sketch of which I shallshortlypublish, in nineteen volumes folio; a work which, in point of size, erudition, and interesting anecdote, will be immensely preferable to the voluminous production of lord Orford.The event in question was of the greater consequence, as it gave rise to the present family name of “Caustic.”Just thirty-two years since, from the fourteenth day of last July, while I was prosecuting some of my chymical researches, my eldest son Tom, a burly-faced boy, since killed in a duel with a hot-headed Irish gentleman, overturned a bench on which were placed seven carboys full of acids, alkalies, &c. and broke them into inch pieces. The consequences of this accident may be more easily conceived than described. The whole neighborhood was alarmed, and many most terriblycausticizedin endeavoring to extinguish the conflagration which ensued. In the consternation, and amid the exertions to subdue it, some one cried out that Dr Crichton (for such was my former name, being the lineal descendant from the celebrated “admirable Crichton”) is fairly a DrCaustic.Thus began myhonoraryname, of which, as it isscientific, I am not a little proud, especially as it was acquired by virtue of anexplosion, similar to that which gave the honorary appellation ofBronteto my friend, viscount Nelson of the Nile. For further particulars respecting this important event, you will please to inquire at the Herald’s college, where, I dare say, “garter principal king at arms,” sir Isaac Heard, knt. has done me the justice to register the occurrence. Instead of lions, bulls, boars, camels, elephants, and such insignificantanimalculæ, my shield is decorated with insignia more appropriate to my great pretensions. On the left are seen broken carboyscouchant, implying that the secrets of science lie prostrate before me. On the right are fumesrampant, indicative of my discoveries, whichsoarabove those of all other pretenders. In the centre are nine hedgehogs, with quills,stickant, a happy emblem of my peaceable disposition.My motto, which I trust sir Isaac has also registered, is worthy of notice. Dr Darwin was much pleased with it, and, desirous to emulate my fame in the art of motto making,made“OMNIA E CONCHIS.” But your worships will perceive that the doctor’s motto bears no comparison with mine, in point of erudition; as I prove myself versed in three languages; whereas he can boast of only one. Here it comes.Ο ανθρωπος, or η γυνηLacessit never me impune!!This, my beautiful and appropriate motto, for the sake of accommodating those among your worships, who are not versed in the lore of Greece and Rome, and cannot afford to subsidize men of erudition to officiate for you in that department of science, I shall render into our vernacular idiom, as follows:If I’m attack’d by man or trollopI’ll dose the knave with drastic jalap.Lest the more critical and polite reader should complain, that in order tolet myself downto the level of your worshipful capacities, I have anglicized my sublime motto in too vulgar and colloquial a style, I shall take the liberty, politely, to parodize thereon, and, as lord Bacon says, “to bring it home to men’s business and bosoms;” that is, to make the application to that particular kind of gentry, against whom my hedgehog quills, aforesaid, are pointedin terrorem.Ladies and gentlemen,REVIEWERS!You are a set of mischief brewers;A gang of scandalous backbiters,Who feast on us, poor murder’d writers.Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet,I tell you honestly I sha’n’t letYour impudences, with impunity,Impose in future on community.If you dare say that greater witThan doctor Caustic ever writ;If you dare venture to suggestHis every word is not the best;If you dare hint that Caustic’s noddleIs not improved from Homer’s model;If you darethinkhe has not trebleThe inspiration of a Sybil;If you don’t seem to take delightIn puffing him with all your might;If you don’t coin for him some proper liesTo circulate through this metropolis,To give eclat to this editionOf his Poetical Petition;If you don’t sing the same tune o’erWhich he himself has sung before,Ancients and moderns, altogether,Are but the shadow of a feather,Compared with Caustic, even asA puff of hydrogenous gas,He’ll hurl ye to old Davy’s grotto,As you’ll imagine from his motto.[124]Thus monsieur Satan, was quite merry.So said Milton,Paradise Lost, B. vi. where the hero of the poem (whom I would propose as a model for your worships’ imitation on all occasions) and his merry companions “in gamesome mood stand scoffing,” and “quips cranks,” powder, grape shot, puns, blunderbuss, jokes, and cannon-balls, flash, roar, and bellow in concert.But I am sure that every candid critic will be disposed to acknowledge that neither Homer nor Milton ever described a battle, fraught with such sublime images and similes, as this in which we are so desperately engaged.
[96]Say that the devil never fails.This stanza contains a legendary tale, which I dare say is as true, as that which commemorates a notable exploit of St. Dunstan in seizing old satan, one dark night in the tenth century, and wringing the nose of his infernal majesty with a pair of red-hot black-smith’s pincers, which made him roar and scold at such a rate, that he awakened and terrified all the good people of Glastonbury and its neighborhood.
[96]
Say that the devil never fails.
This stanza contains a legendary tale, which I dare say is as true, as that which commemorates a notable exploit of St. Dunstan in seizing old satan, one dark night in the tenth century, and wringing the nose of his infernal majesty with a pair of red-hot black-smith’s pincers, which made him roar and scold at such a rate, that he awakened and terrified all the good people of Glastonbury and its neighborhood.
[97]In gulping tractors down, for med’cines.An old lady of my acquaintance was actually advised by aningeniousson of Galen, an apothecary, resident a few miles north of London, to swallow tractors for an internal complaint. If our profession were to follow this laudable example, and force their patients to swallow them for pills, and then give the public a judicious detail of the terrible consequences, ending with the death of the patients, Perkinism would sink into that contempt in the estimation of the public which it justly deserves.
[97]
In gulping tractors down, for med’cines.
An old lady of my acquaintance was actually advised by aningeniousson of Galen, an apothecary, resident a few miles north of London, to swallow tractors for an internal complaint. If our profession were to follow this laudable example, and force their patients to swallow them for pills, and then give the public a judicious detail of the terrible consequences, ending with the death of the patients, Perkinism would sink into that contempt in the estimation of the public which it justly deserves.
[98]In wilds where science ne’er was thought on.That is, in the United States of America, among Indians and Yankees. You will find, gentlemen, much to the purpose relative to the state of science, where Perkinism originated, in theMonthly Magazine, of January, 1803, under the title of “Animadversions on the present state of literature and taste in the United States, communicated by an English gentleman lately returned from America.” This gentleman gives information that the Americans are wretchedly “behind-hand in sciencewiththe Britains.” Indeed, those transatlantic younkers ought, in half a century, to have established universities and other seminaries of learning, at least asoldand respectable as those of Oxford and Cambridge, and which should have graduated as many students and produced as many great men. As to the parsimonious spirit of Americans in encouraging science (which this gentleman animadverts upon with laudable indignation) it ought truly to be exclaimed against by us Englishmen, for the weighty reason following: Great Britain, “from time whereof the memory of man runneth not to the contrary” (as judge Blackstone says) hath starved some of her first poets; such for instance as Butler, Otway, Chatterton, Dryden, Savage, &c. &c. &c. &c. consequently (according to the same author) she ought to enjoy theexclusive “customary privilege”of inflicting the horrors of starvation on the sons of the muses: but it must be granted, for the honor of British munificence, that the scientific Herschel, in the decline of life, as a reward for immortalizing his present majesty, by inscribing Georgium Sidus in the great folio of the heavens, is allowed the enormous pension of 80l.per annum!!This instance ofliberality, in rewarding merit, has caused me to suspendmyanimadversions relative to patronage afforded men ofreal sciencein Great Britain, till I can discover whether it be the absolute determination of my countrymen to starve doctor Caustic.
[98]
In wilds where science ne’er was thought on.
That is, in the United States of America, among Indians and Yankees. You will find, gentlemen, much to the purpose relative to the state of science, where Perkinism originated, in theMonthly Magazine, of January, 1803, under the title of “Animadversions on the present state of literature and taste in the United States, communicated by an English gentleman lately returned from America.” This gentleman gives information that the Americans are wretchedly “behind-hand in sciencewiththe Britains.” Indeed, those transatlantic younkers ought, in half a century, to have established universities and other seminaries of learning, at least asoldand respectable as those of Oxford and Cambridge, and which should have graduated as many students and produced as many great men. As to the parsimonious spirit of Americans in encouraging science (which this gentleman animadverts upon with laudable indignation) it ought truly to be exclaimed against by us Englishmen, for the weighty reason following: Great Britain, “from time whereof the memory of man runneth not to the contrary” (as judge Blackstone says) hath starved some of her first poets; such for instance as Butler, Otway, Chatterton, Dryden, Savage, &c. &c. &c. &c. consequently (according to the same author) she ought to enjoy theexclusive “customary privilege”of inflicting the horrors of starvation on the sons of the muses: but it must be granted, for the honor of British munificence, that the scientific Herschel, in the decline of life, as a reward for immortalizing his present majesty, by inscribing Georgium Sidus in the great folio of the heavens, is allowed the enormous pension of 80l.per annum!!
This instance ofliberality, in rewarding merit, has caused me to suspendmyanimadversions relative to patronage afforded men ofreal sciencein Great Britain, till I can discover whether it be the absolute determination of my countrymen to starve doctor Caustic.
[99]Say it was twinn’d with monstrous mammoth.And must, of course, be a most terrible wild beast.—Ladies and gentlemen may form a tolerable idea of the enormity of Perkinism, by viewing the skeleton of a mammoth now exhibiting in Pall Mall, in the very place where lately were to be seen those terrible caricatures of the devil, &c. under the appellation ofFuseli’s Milton Gallery.
[99]
Say it was twinn’d with monstrous mammoth.
And must, of course, be a most terrible wild beast.—Ladies and gentlemen may form a tolerable idea of the enormity of Perkinism, by viewing the skeleton of a mammoth now exhibiting in Pall Mall, in the very place where lately were to be seen those terrible caricatures of the devil, &c. under the appellation ofFuseli’s Milton Gallery.
[100]And to go near it you’d be d—d loth.This manifesto, you will please to recollect, is the language of gentlemen physicians. Now it is well known that you possess a privilege, sanctioned by long and invariable practice, if not founded on act of parliament, to enforce your sentiments by certainenergeticexpressions, which, in the mouths of people of less consequence, would be considered as very vulgar, and nearly allied toprofane swearing. And since your worships ever most manfully exercise this privilege to the full extent of its limits, the present manifesto would have been extremely inapposite and unnatural, had not anornamentof this kind been introduced.
[100]
And to go near it you’d be d—d loth.
This manifesto, you will please to recollect, is the language of gentlemen physicians. Now it is well known that you possess a privilege, sanctioned by long and invariable practice, if not founded on act of parliament, to enforce your sentiments by certainenergeticexpressions, which, in the mouths of people of less consequence, would be considered as very vulgar, and nearly allied toprofane swearing. And since your worships ever most manfully exercise this privilege to the full extent of its limits, the present manifesto would have been extremely inapposite and unnatural, had not anornamentof this kind been introduced.
[101]Theboldestsons of Galen call on.I say theboldest; for we cannot rely on the aid of thewholeEsculapian phalanx. Many white-livered dastards, who disgrace our profession, have shown a disposition to remain neuter, or fight under Perkinean banners!
[101]
Theboldestsons of Galen call on.
I say theboldest; for we cannot rely on the aid of thewholeEsculapian phalanx. Many white-livered dastards, who disgrace our profession, have shown a disposition to remain neuter, or fight under Perkinean banners!
[102]Than Howard’s fulminating powder.It is a long time since the public have had anyreportsfrom the honorable Mr Howard’s fulminating powder, which, three years since, made so muchnoise, that the world had reason to expect that thethunderiferouschymist would make no more of exploding to old Nick a whole army of Frenchmen, with Buonaparte at its head, than would a cockney sportsman of shooting a tame goose on the first of September.Whether this mighty affair is allblown up, or what may have been the cause of thesilenceof those who defended a thing which soloudlyproclaimed its own merits, it becomes Mr Howard to explain.Of this he may be assured, if he do not stir his stumps in order to fulfilsomeof the fair promises which he and his friends have made to the Royal Society and the public, of the astonishing achievements they were about to perform, by the demi-omnipotent power of his new invented artificial thunder, I hereby give thealarmingintelligence that I will apply my own superior talents to thissonoroussubject. Should that happen, those laurels which were designed to decorate the brow of Mr Howard will be tied in a bow-knot round my venerable temples. For, in that case, the learned chymist’s acquisitions, in the art ofintonation, will bear no better comparison to those of Dr Caustic, than the clattering wagon-wheels of Salmoneus to the world-astounding thunderbolts of Jupiter. No person can doubt my being able to accomplish all this, who is apprized, as he may be from perusing this performance, of the vast quantity of the mostdetonatingkind ofmercurywhich exists in my composition, and which willfulminatewith greater effect, than thegoldandsilverthat line themagnipotentpurse of the honorable the heirapparentto the duke of Norfolk.
[102]
Than Howard’s fulminating powder.
It is a long time since the public have had anyreportsfrom the honorable Mr Howard’s fulminating powder, which, three years since, made so muchnoise, that the world had reason to expect that thethunderiferouschymist would make no more of exploding to old Nick a whole army of Frenchmen, with Buonaparte at its head, than would a cockney sportsman of shooting a tame goose on the first of September.
Whether this mighty affair is allblown up, or what may have been the cause of thesilenceof those who defended a thing which soloudlyproclaimed its own merits, it becomes Mr Howard to explain.
Of this he may be assured, if he do not stir his stumps in order to fulfilsomeof the fair promises which he and his friends have made to the Royal Society and the public, of the astonishing achievements they were about to perform, by the demi-omnipotent power of his new invented artificial thunder, I hereby give thealarmingintelligence that I will apply my own superior talents to thissonoroussubject. Should that happen, those laurels which were designed to decorate the brow of Mr Howard will be tied in a bow-knot round my venerable temples. For, in that case, the learned chymist’s acquisitions, in the art ofintonation, will bear no better comparison to those of Dr Caustic, than the clattering wagon-wheels of Salmoneus to the world-astounding thunderbolts of Jupiter. No person can doubt my being able to accomplish all this, who is apprized, as he may be from perusing this performance, of the vast quantity of the mostdetonatingkind ofmercurywhich exists in my composition, and which willfulminatewith greater effect, than thegoldandsilverthat line themagnipotentpurse of the honorable the heirapparentto the duke of Norfolk.
[103]“Kill’d off,” at Marengo.I have several times taken a confounded deal of trouble tohaulinto my poem this beautiful specimen of parliamentary elocution; and, in my opinion, nothing can be better imagined, or more happily accomplished. Poetry and oratory, as the ancients inform us, were bothwhelpedat one litter; consequently the same phrase which glittered in the harangue ofmybull-baiting friend, William Windham, a British senator, cannot fail to cut a dash in the stanza ofhisseraphical friend, Christopher Caustic, a British poet.Now, as I am a great admirer of French principles, and that new and accommodating kind of morality, by Frenchmen discovered, and which I ever have and ever will eulogize, to the utmost extent of my faculties, perhaps your worships will express no small degree of wonderment why I should be the intimate friend of a gentleman, theblazeof whose oratory, one would suppose, would haveblastedBuonaparte, and evensingedthe whole French republic. But those who are admitted behind the political curtain will perceive that thetendencyof the measures which Mr Windham supports is topromotethose jacobinic principles, of which Dr Causticopenlyandhonestlyprofesses himself to be the determined propagator and defender.
[103]
“Kill’d off,” at Marengo.
I have several times taken a confounded deal of trouble tohaulinto my poem this beautiful specimen of parliamentary elocution; and, in my opinion, nothing can be better imagined, or more happily accomplished. Poetry and oratory, as the ancients inform us, were bothwhelpedat one litter; consequently the same phrase which glittered in the harangue ofmybull-baiting friend, William Windham, a British senator, cannot fail to cut a dash in the stanza ofhisseraphical friend, Christopher Caustic, a British poet.
Now, as I am a great admirer of French principles, and that new and accommodating kind of morality, by Frenchmen discovered, and which I ever have and ever will eulogize, to the utmost extent of my faculties, perhaps your worships will express no small degree of wonderment why I should be the intimate friend of a gentleman, theblazeof whose oratory, one would suppose, would haveblastedBuonaparte, and evensingedthe whole French republic. But those who are admitted behind the political curtain will perceive that thetendencyof the measures which Mr Windham supports is topromotethose jacobinic principles, of which Dr Causticopenlyandhonestlyprofesses himself to be the determined propagator and defender.
[104]And never meddle with astrumpet.Surely, no person will imagine that I would, for the world, allude to anyotherlady than madam Fame herself.
[104]
And never meddle with astrumpet.
Surely, no person will imagine that I would, for the world, allude to anyotherlady than madam Fame herself.
[105]Andblazethrough eitherfrozenzone.I have very substantial reasons for spreading glad tidings of our redoubtable chieftain among the most distant inhabitants of the globe, in preference to endeavoring to add to his great celebrity “within the periphery of his associates.” And, whereas it has been said that this gentleman’s reputation will ever stand highest where he is either not known at all, or known only by those literary productions, in which he is himself the theme of his own most “ardent praise,” mine shall be the humble task of trumpeting the doctor’s name among the distant inhabitants of this dirty planet; while the doctor shall himself “dip his pen in ethereal and indelible ink, and impress his observations in characters legible in the great volume of the heavens.”
[105]
Andblazethrough eitherfrozenzone.
I have very substantial reasons for spreading glad tidings of our redoubtable chieftain among the most distant inhabitants of the globe, in preference to endeavoring to add to his great celebrity “within the periphery of his associates.” And, whereas it has been said that this gentleman’s reputation will ever stand highest where he is either not known at all, or known only by those literary productions, in which he is himself the theme of his own most “ardent praise,” mine shall be the humble task of trumpeting the doctor’s name among the distant inhabitants of this dirty planet; while the doctor shall himself “dip his pen in ethereal and indelible ink, and impress his observations in characters legible in the great volume of the heavens.”
[106]As one would spit agoosefor roasting.True it is, though “passing strange,” that agreatand good man, composed, as hehimselfcan attest, of the very essence of humanity, is often most vilely, most audaciously, and most atrociously bespattered by a set of saucy reviewers.Those wicked wits, the writers in theMonthlyandCritical Reviews, especially the latter, in a critique on one of the late works of a certain doctor of self puffing memory, tells us that “the importance of a man to himself was never more conspicuous than in this publication. Dr Lettsom admits that he has been anticipated by several distinguished authors; but modestly hints that some of his particular friends will form no opinion [respecting the cow-pox] till they have ascertainedhissentiments.” They then have the audacity to declare, that “he merits no slight punishment for his pompous inflated language, for his fulsome flattery, and ridiculous exaggeration of every part of the subject.”See how they speak of a late publication of the doctor on certain charitable institutions:—“Unless to connect these different institutions, to lead the different radii to a centre, while that centre is the author and the editor, who can boast,Quæ ipse misserima vidi, et quorum pars magna fui!we see little advantage in this edition. We mean not to intimate the slightest disapprobation of these institutions, or of humanity in general; but when we see pomp and egotism assuming its garb, when vanity and ostentation occasionally peep from beneath the robe, we feel no little disgust from comparing the fascinating exterior with the unpleasing contents,” &c. They likewise have the impudence to assert that some of the doctor’s plans are “better suited to the superstition of a Hindoo, than to the nature of a rational christian.” And in another review they declare: “We mean not to stoop to any; but will tell Dr Lettsom his faults” [consummate assurance!!] “as well as any other author; nor will we conceal that mean mark of a little mind, over-weening vanity. We saw it in its germ, have watched its opening bud, till it is expanded into its blossom. The literary life of Dr L—— may well be styled theprogressof vanity: the termination is yet to come: but we have ample materials for the subject.” SeeMonthly Review, of July, andCritical Review, of Sept. 1802, and Feb. 1803.
[106]
As one would spit agoosefor roasting.
True it is, though “passing strange,” that agreatand good man, composed, as hehimselfcan attest, of the very essence of humanity, is often most vilely, most audaciously, and most atrociously bespattered by a set of saucy reviewers.
Those wicked wits, the writers in theMonthlyandCritical Reviews, especially the latter, in a critique on one of the late works of a certain doctor of self puffing memory, tells us that “the importance of a man to himself was never more conspicuous than in this publication. Dr Lettsom admits that he has been anticipated by several distinguished authors; but modestly hints that some of his particular friends will form no opinion [respecting the cow-pox] till they have ascertainedhissentiments.” They then have the audacity to declare, that “he merits no slight punishment for his pompous inflated language, for his fulsome flattery, and ridiculous exaggeration of every part of the subject.”
See how they speak of a late publication of the doctor on certain charitable institutions:—“Unless to connect these different institutions, to lead the different radii to a centre, while that centre is the author and the editor, who can boast,Quæ ipse misserima vidi, et quorum pars magna fui!we see little advantage in this edition. We mean not to intimate the slightest disapprobation of these institutions, or of humanity in general; but when we see pomp and egotism assuming its garb, when vanity and ostentation occasionally peep from beneath the robe, we feel no little disgust from comparing the fascinating exterior with the unpleasing contents,” &c. They likewise have the impudence to assert that some of the doctor’s plans are “better suited to the superstition of a Hindoo, than to the nature of a rational christian.” And in another review they declare: “We mean not to stoop to any; but will tell Dr Lettsom his faults” [consummate assurance!!] “as well as any other author; nor will we conceal that mean mark of a little mind, over-weening vanity. We saw it in its germ, have watched its opening bud, till it is expanded into its blossom. The literary life of Dr L—— may well be styled theprogressof vanity: the termination is yet to come: but we have ample materials for the subject.” SeeMonthly Review, of July, andCritical Review, of Sept. 1802, and Feb. 1803.
[107]They’ll fall before great doctor Lettsom.I resolved to recommend your arranging yourselves under the banners of this Leviathan of the Galenical throng, from the moment I first heard of his noble and spirited sally against the tractors. Disdaining the wretched trammels ofwhyandwherefore, and without assigning those paltry trifles, calledreasons, for his opinions, on the merits of Perkinism, our intrepid commander determined to extirpate it root and branch, with his simpleipse dixit. This is what we ought to expect from a hero of such prowess. See how well he manages these metallic makers of mischief! In a eulogium (a very agreeable thing to amodestman during his life time) on his friend Dr Haygarth, contained in the work which those wicked reviewers above mentioned have treated so irreverently, he mentions (page 277) the “important object,” which Dr Haygarth has so “happilyeffected.” This is “arresting andsubduingtwo poisons, the most fatal to the human race (fever and small-pox) and unveiling imposture, clothed in the meretricious garb of bold quackery:” a note on the word “imposture,” in the margin says, “Experiments on metallic tractors.” Now, unless I can borrow the pen of the learned doctor, dipped in “ETHEREALand indelible ink,” and a whole literary apparatus in proportion, I shall never be able to express how much I admire the matter above quoted, on account of the importantintelligencetherein contained. Before Dr L. asserted it, I dare say not an individual in the kingdom knew that Dr Haygarth had “effected” such an “important object,” that fever and small-pox were subdued, altogether extinct, despoiled of that venom which has hitherto “brought death into the world,” and so much wo. But true it is, they are quite extirpated, and all this by Dr Haygarth!! One cannot but exclaim against the perverseness of those members of parliament, who, regardless of thisnewsfrom Dr L. voted a reward to Dr Jenner for his services insubduingthe small-pox, and to Dr Smith, for his discoveries insubduingcontagious fevers. In short, I am almost ready to enforce the charge of ignorance against my brethren in the profession; for I have not yet met with one possessed of sufficient penetration to see, that neither fever nor small-pox “has a local habitation and a name among us,” and that they have been both “subdued,” and all this “effected,” by Dr Haygarth!
[107]
They’ll fall before great doctor Lettsom.
I resolved to recommend your arranging yourselves under the banners of this Leviathan of the Galenical throng, from the moment I first heard of his noble and spirited sally against the tractors. Disdaining the wretched trammels ofwhyandwherefore, and without assigning those paltry trifles, calledreasons, for his opinions, on the merits of Perkinism, our intrepid commander determined to extirpate it root and branch, with his simpleipse dixit. This is what we ought to expect from a hero of such prowess. See how well he manages these metallic makers of mischief! In a eulogium (a very agreeable thing to amodestman during his life time) on his friend Dr Haygarth, contained in the work which those wicked reviewers above mentioned have treated so irreverently, he mentions (page 277) the “important object,” which Dr Haygarth has so “happilyeffected.” This is “arresting andsubduingtwo poisons, the most fatal to the human race (fever and small-pox) and unveiling imposture, clothed in the meretricious garb of bold quackery:” a note on the word “imposture,” in the margin says, “Experiments on metallic tractors.” Now, unless I can borrow the pen of the learned doctor, dipped in “ETHEREALand indelible ink,” and a whole literary apparatus in proportion, I shall never be able to express how much I admire the matter above quoted, on account of the importantintelligencetherein contained. Before Dr L. asserted it, I dare say not an individual in the kingdom knew that Dr Haygarth had “effected” such an “important object,” that fever and small-pox were subdued, altogether extinct, despoiled of that venom which has hitherto “brought death into the world,” and so much wo. But true it is, they are quite extirpated, and all this by Dr Haygarth!! One cannot but exclaim against the perverseness of those members of parliament, who, regardless of thisnewsfrom Dr L. voted a reward to Dr Jenner for his services insubduingthe small-pox, and to Dr Smith, for his discoveries insubduingcontagious fevers. In short, I am almost ready to enforce the charge of ignorance against my brethren in the profession; for I have not yet met with one possessed of sufficient penetration to see, that neither fever nor small-pox “has a local habitation and a name among us,” and that they have been both “subdued,” and all this “effected,” by Dr Haygarth!
[108]Prepare the batteries of thy journal.Here I can, with certainty, calculate on the most powerful co-operation. This——, what shall I call it? This official Gazette of the profession—this Medico-Chymico-Comico-Repository, for the effusions of self-puffers, prescribing rules and recipes,“How best to fill his purse, and thin the town;”this powerful instrument of offensive and defensive warfare, has ever, with becoming vigilance, guarded its post against Perkinean invaders, and suffered no occasion to pass without a squirt of theGallicacid of satire, when there was deemed a possibility ofblackeningthe common enemy.I can never sufficiently express my approbation of the Carthagenian cunning with which this journal has been conducted. Dr B. professing great impartiality, in an early number, (see vol. ii. p. 85) invited communications on the subject of the tractors. Subsequent management evidently showed a slight omission in the doctor’s notice, and that he meantcommunications on one side only; for he has omitted no pains to procure and publish whatsoever could be suggestedagainstthe tractors; but though reports of cases in their favor, and all the publications of the patentee have been before him, not a syllable ofthesewas ever noticed by that gentleman; neither has it ever appeared by his journal that such facts ever existed.
[108]
Prepare the batteries of thy journal.
Here I can, with certainty, calculate on the most powerful co-operation. This——, what shall I call it? This official Gazette of the profession—this Medico-Chymico-Comico-Repository, for the effusions of self-puffers, prescribing rules and recipes,
“How best to fill his purse, and thin the town;”
“How best to fill his purse, and thin the town;”
“How best to fill his purse, and thin the town;”
“How best to fill his purse, and thin the town;”
this powerful instrument of offensive and defensive warfare, has ever, with becoming vigilance, guarded its post against Perkinean invaders, and suffered no occasion to pass without a squirt of theGallicacid of satire, when there was deemed a possibility ofblackeningthe common enemy.
I can never sufficiently express my approbation of the Carthagenian cunning with which this journal has been conducted. Dr B. professing great impartiality, in an early number, (see vol. ii. p. 85) invited communications on the subject of the tractors. Subsequent management evidently showed a slight omission in the doctor’s notice, and that he meantcommunications on one side only; for he has omitted no pains to procure and publish whatsoever could be suggestedagainstthe tractors; but though reports of cases in their favor, and all the publications of the patentee have been before him, not a syllable ofthesewas ever noticed by that gentleman; neither has it ever appeared by his journal that such facts ever existed.
[109]By every nostrum, savethine own.I appeal to any of my brethren who have been gratified, as I often have been, with the Demosthenes-like torrent which has been so frequently poured forth, in our medical societies, by this “child and champion” of the Galenical throng, against quackery and all its appurtenances, whether it were fair to surmise, as some unconscionable rogues have done, that Dr B. has absolutely himself become the proprietor of a quack medicine. The fire of eloquence with which Perkinism, that most atrocious kind of quackery, has been so frequently, and so effectually assailed by the learned doctor at the medical society, at Guy’s, the Lyceum Medico Londinensis, &c. &c. &c. ought to have ensured Dr B. so much of the gratitude of the profession, that, although he shouldhimselfchoose to become one of the most arrant quacks in the kingdom, he might depend on your support of his reputation, and your exertions to uphold him. No subsequent apostacy on his part, I maintain, will justify a dereliction of him.Recal to your recollection, gentlemen, the denunciations he has so often made against every medical practitioner who should presume, either directly or indirectly, to offer any patronage to remedies which bore even the most distant resemblance to a nostrum. How often have the walls of the medical theatres of Saint Thomas’s hospital, and Windmill street, echoed loud responses to his declamations against the varlets, who should dare to recommend means, in the profits of the consumption of which the whole profession could not participate? How often have you received his invitations to send him your effusions and declamations against quackery, to receive an efficient publication in his journal? and what number of that journal has appeared without performing his promise, by honoring those effusions with a place in its immortal pages?Lest even these most important considerations should still find you inexorable, I trust I can show, by examining his conduct in regard to the quack medicine in question, that, if it be not praise-worthy, it is, at least, defensible.The title of the nostrum which has had the assistance of Dr B. in being introduced to the notice of a grateful public, is “A NEW MEDICINE FOR THE GOUT.” The pretended discoverer of this specific is, for very commendable, or, which is the same thing, veryprudentreasons, kept behind the curtain. I wish, however, to express my utter disbelief that either Dr Brodum or Dr Solomon is the happy mortal, however similar the style of the pamphlet, announcing this new medicine, may be to their erudite writings, and the pretensions of the said medicine to “balms of Gilead” and to “nervous cordials.”
[109]
By every nostrum, savethine own.
I appeal to any of my brethren who have been gratified, as I often have been, with the Demosthenes-like torrent which has been so frequently poured forth, in our medical societies, by this “child and champion” of the Galenical throng, against quackery and all its appurtenances, whether it were fair to surmise, as some unconscionable rogues have done, that Dr B. has absolutely himself become the proprietor of a quack medicine. The fire of eloquence with which Perkinism, that most atrocious kind of quackery, has been so frequently, and so effectually assailed by the learned doctor at the medical society, at Guy’s, the Lyceum Medico Londinensis, &c. &c. &c. ought to have ensured Dr B. so much of the gratitude of the profession, that, although he shouldhimselfchoose to become one of the most arrant quacks in the kingdom, he might depend on your support of his reputation, and your exertions to uphold him. No subsequent apostacy on his part, I maintain, will justify a dereliction of him.
Recal to your recollection, gentlemen, the denunciations he has so often made against every medical practitioner who should presume, either directly or indirectly, to offer any patronage to remedies which bore even the most distant resemblance to a nostrum. How often have the walls of the medical theatres of Saint Thomas’s hospital, and Windmill street, echoed loud responses to his declamations against the varlets, who should dare to recommend means, in the profits of the consumption of which the whole profession could not participate? How often have you received his invitations to send him your effusions and declamations against quackery, to receive an efficient publication in his journal? and what number of that journal has appeared without performing his promise, by honoring those effusions with a place in its immortal pages?
Lest even these most important considerations should still find you inexorable, I trust I can show, by examining his conduct in regard to the quack medicine in question, that, if it be not praise-worthy, it is, at least, defensible.
The title of the nostrum which has had the assistance of Dr B. in being introduced to the notice of a grateful public, is “A NEW MEDICINE FOR THE GOUT.” The pretended discoverer of this specific is, for very commendable, or, which is the same thing, veryprudentreasons, kept behind the curtain. I wish, however, to express my utter disbelief that either Dr Brodum or Dr Solomon is the happy mortal, however similar the style of the pamphlet, announcing this new medicine, may be to their erudite writings, and the pretensions of the said medicine to “balms of Gilead” and to “nervous cordials.”
[110]’Gainst Belgraves, Colquhouns, Wilberforces!What business had these fellows to intrude their noses into the concerns of the Westminster infirmary? Brother B. had an undoubted right to manage, ormismanage, the funds of amedicalinstitution, as best suited his own convenience, without their troublesome interference.
[110]
’Gainst Belgraves, Colquhouns, Wilberforces!
What business had these fellows to intrude their noses into the concerns of the Westminster infirmary? Brother B. had an undoubted right to manage, ormismanage, the funds of amedicalinstitution, as best suited his own convenience, without their troublesome interference.
[111]Allin a chariot take an airing.I hereby enter a protest against any one of my commentators, whether he be Vanscanderdigindich the elder, or Hansvanshognosuch, his cousinGerman(twoDutchgeniuses, who have promised to furnish the next edition of this my pithy poem with a whole ass-load of annotations) or any other gentlemen critics or reviewers of equal profoundity, presuming to intimate, that I intend, by this passage, the smallest disrespect to yourpedestrianphysicians. Far from that; I know that many good and great men (like myself for example) cannot even pay a shilling for hackney-coach hire. No, gentlemen; I have two great objects in view, to wit:1. To encourage my brother B—to persevere in his laudable attempt to kick Perkinism back to the country whence it originated, by reminding him, that if the feat were once performed, he might,perhaps, soon afford the expense of a chariot to transport, in a respectable manner,allthat wig, without laying the entire burden on the curious sconce it now envelopes.2. To remind brother B—, and the profession in general, how much more execution may be done by a charioteer than by a pedestrian physician.Although great men frequently differ, I am happy to find MrAddison’sopinion andmine, in this particular, perfectly consentaneous.“This body of men,” says he, speaking of physicians in our own country, “may be described like the British army in Cæsar’s time. Some slay in chariots, and some on foot. If the infantry do less execution than the charioteers, it is because they cannot be carried, so soon, into all parts of the town, and despatch so much business in so short a time.” Spectator, No. 21.Not an individual, I will venture to assert, who knows my brother B—, but must feel the really urgent necessity of elevating him, as soon as possible, fromle paveand giving those talents their fullswing. Then, indeed, soon might our charioteer justly boast—“London, with all her passing bells, can tell,By this right arm what mighty numbers fell.Whilst others meanly ask’d whole months to slay,I oft despatch’d the patient in a day.With pen in hand, I push’d to that degree,I scarce had left a wretch to give a fee.Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel,And death in ambush lay in every pill;For save, or slay, this privilege we claim,Though credit suffers, the reward’s the same.”
[111]
Allin a chariot take an airing.
I hereby enter a protest against any one of my commentators, whether he be Vanscanderdigindich the elder, or Hansvanshognosuch, his cousinGerman(twoDutchgeniuses, who have promised to furnish the next edition of this my pithy poem with a whole ass-load of annotations) or any other gentlemen critics or reviewers of equal profoundity, presuming to intimate, that I intend, by this passage, the smallest disrespect to yourpedestrianphysicians. Far from that; I know that many good and great men (like myself for example) cannot even pay a shilling for hackney-coach hire. No, gentlemen; I have two great objects in view, to wit:
1. To encourage my brother B—to persevere in his laudable attempt to kick Perkinism back to the country whence it originated, by reminding him, that if the feat were once performed, he might,perhaps, soon afford the expense of a chariot to transport, in a respectable manner,allthat wig, without laying the entire burden on the curious sconce it now envelopes.
2. To remind brother B—, and the profession in general, how much more execution may be done by a charioteer than by a pedestrian physician.
Although great men frequently differ, I am happy to find MrAddison’sopinion andmine, in this particular, perfectly consentaneous.
“This body of men,” says he, speaking of physicians in our own country, “may be described like the British army in Cæsar’s time. Some slay in chariots, and some on foot. If the infantry do less execution than the charioteers, it is because they cannot be carried, so soon, into all parts of the town, and despatch so much business in so short a time.” Spectator, No. 21.
Not an individual, I will venture to assert, who knows my brother B—, but must feel the really urgent necessity of elevating him, as soon as possible, fromle paveand giving those talents their fullswing. Then, indeed, soon might our charioteer justly boast—
“London, with all her passing bells, can tell,By this right arm what mighty numbers fell.Whilst others meanly ask’d whole months to slay,I oft despatch’d the patient in a day.With pen in hand, I push’d to that degree,I scarce had left a wretch to give a fee.Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel,And death in ambush lay in every pill;For save, or slay, this privilege we claim,Though credit suffers, the reward’s the same.”
“London, with all her passing bells, can tell,By this right arm what mighty numbers fell.Whilst others meanly ask’d whole months to slay,I oft despatch’d the patient in a day.With pen in hand, I push’d to that degree,I scarce had left a wretch to give a fee.Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel,And death in ambush lay in every pill;For save, or slay, this privilege we claim,Though credit suffers, the reward’s the same.”
“London, with all her passing bells, can tell,By this right arm what mighty numbers fell.Whilst others meanly ask’d whole months to slay,I oft despatch’d the patient in a day.With pen in hand, I push’d to that degree,I scarce had left a wretch to give a fee.Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel,And death in ambush lay in every pill;For save, or slay, this privilege we claim,Though credit suffers, the reward’s the same.”
“London, with all her passing bells, can tell,
By this right arm what mighty numbers fell.
Whilst others meanly ask’d whole months to slay,
I oft despatch’d the patient in a day.
With pen in hand, I push’d to that degree,
I scarce had left a wretch to give a fee.
Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel,
And death in ambush lay in every pill;
For save, or slay, this privilege we claim,
Though credit suffers, the reward’s the same.”
[112]From Brodum down togaseousThornton.I am fully sensible that many of my brethren, of less discernment than myself, would have assigned this famous little genius a rank on the empirical list even above Dr Brodum. Makingpuffingtheir criterion, they will argue that those acute half-guinea paragraphs which we occasionally see at the fag end of theTimesand other morning papers, respecting that “very learned physician,”—his “greatdiscoveries, and improvements in the medical application of the gases,”—his “grand nationaland botanical work,” and fifty others of the same strain, asserting the high claims of thisairywriter on the gratitude of the public, are incontestable proofs of his superior merits in thepuffingdepartment, which, say they, are some of the most necessary ingredients in the formation of a charlatan. All this is specious reasoning; but I trust I shall show its fallacy. Pre-eminence, in my opinion, must be founded on some intrinsic excellence, original and independent of adventitious circumstances. If we closely examine the merits of this candidate, we shall find that there can be no great claim on this score. Let any man enjoy the faculties and advantages of a general dealer in theairs, who must of course havepuffsof all descriptions at hand; and where is the merit of occasionallyletting off one?If there be anything like originality in this industrious little philosopher, and for the invention of which I should be inclined to allow him the credit of ingenuity, it consists in hismeritometer, which proposes to measure the merits of his fellow creatures by the degree of faith they can afford to bestow on the infallibility of his gases as a panacea. See his plan of this instrument, or rather the deductions drawn from his trials of it, in his large five volumecompilation of “Extracts,”vol. i. page 459. From this scale it appears, that of one thousand of mankind nine hundred and ninety-nine are either fools or knaves, as that proportion places no confidence in the efficacy of his catholicon. I hope, therefore, after the good reasons here assigned for my conduct, I shall not be suspected of partiality to Dr Brodum in retaining him at the head of the quacks, nor ill will to Dr T. for not calling him up higher on the list.
[112]
From Brodum down togaseousThornton.
I am fully sensible that many of my brethren, of less discernment than myself, would have assigned this famous little genius a rank on the empirical list even above Dr Brodum. Makingpuffingtheir criterion, they will argue that those acute half-guinea paragraphs which we occasionally see at the fag end of theTimesand other morning papers, respecting that “very learned physician,”—his “greatdiscoveries, and improvements in the medical application of the gases,”—his “grand nationaland botanical work,” and fifty others of the same strain, asserting the high claims of thisairywriter on the gratitude of the public, are incontestable proofs of his superior merits in thepuffingdepartment, which, say they, are some of the most necessary ingredients in the formation of a charlatan. All this is specious reasoning; but I trust I shall show its fallacy. Pre-eminence, in my opinion, must be founded on some intrinsic excellence, original and independent of adventitious circumstances. If we closely examine the merits of this candidate, we shall find that there can be no great claim on this score. Let any man enjoy the faculties and advantages of a general dealer in theairs, who must of course havepuffsof all descriptions at hand; and where is the merit of occasionallyletting off one?
If there be anything like originality in this industrious little philosopher, and for the invention of which I should be inclined to allow him the credit of ingenuity, it consists in hismeritometer, which proposes to measure the merits of his fellow creatures by the degree of faith they can afford to bestow on the infallibility of his gases as a panacea. See his plan of this instrument, or rather the deductions drawn from his trials of it, in his large five volumecompilation of “Extracts,”vol. i. page 459. From this scale it appears, that of one thousand of mankind nine hundred and ninety-nine are either fools or knaves, as that proportion places no confidence in the efficacy of his catholicon. I hope, therefore, after the good reasons here assigned for my conduct, I shall not be suspected of partiality to Dr Brodum in retaining him at the head of the quacks, nor ill will to Dr T. for not calling him up higher on the list.
[113]The Thalaba of English metre.Mr Southey, in his work with the title of “Thalaba or the Destroyer,” has given us a fine example of a pleasing dreadful performance, which is neither prose, rhyme, nor reason. Indeed, nothing but the inspiration of the gas which we have seen him inhale in the first canto, could have generated the following effusions.“A Teraph stood against the cavern side,A new born infant’s head,That Khawla at his hour of death had seized,And from the shoulders wrung.It stood upon a plate of gold,An unclean spirit’s name inscribed beneath:The cheeks weredeathydark,Dark the dead skin upon the hairless skull;The lips wereblueypale;Only the eyes had life,They gleamed with demon light.”Book ii.Again he towers in Book v.“There where the narrowing chasmRose loftier in the hill,Stood Zohak, wretched man, condemned to keepHis cave of punishment.His was the frequent screamWhich far away the prowling Chacal heard,And howled in terror back.Far from his shoulders grewTwo snakes of monster sizeThat ever at his headAimed eager their keen teethTo satiate raving hunger with his brain.He in the eternal conflict oft would seizeTheir swelling necks, and in his giant graspBruise them, and rend their flesh with bloody nails,And howl for agonyFeeling the pangs he gave, for of himselfInseparable parts his torturers grew.”Now, if in this age of turmoils your worships should have occasion to educate a school of assassins, to be employed as Talleyrand employs his agents, for the purpose of promoting modern philanthropy and French projects of universal empire, I should advise you to prepare them intellectual food from such descriptions as we have quoted above. By accustoming your pupils to meditate on such horrible descriptions you will soon enable them to inflict without compunction or remorse, sufferings like those, which they have been in the habit of contemplating.We are sorry to see, however, that our friend, Dr Darwin, has been pleased to express his disapprobation of this species of theterriblein style, without which your small poets can never become conspicuous. We shall, however, quote one of his sentiments on the subject merely to let the world know that we great wits do not always tally upon every point.The doctor tells us in his Botanic Garden, p. 115, that there is a “line of boundary between the tragic and the horrid; which line, however, will veer a little this way or that, according to the prevailing manners of the age or country, and the peculiar association of ideas, or idiosyncrasy of mind, of individuals.”Now I am apprehensive that doctor Darwin would have adjudged the greater part of Mr Southey’s sublimity to be of the “horrid” rather than thetragicorsublimekind. Such an opinion, however, would not only greatly tarnish the reputation of the critic who should venture to pronounce it, but would entirely put down many pretty good poets, who, as the Edinburgh reviewers say, must have a “qu’il mourut,” and a “let there be light” in every line; and all their characters must be in agonies and ecstacies, from their entrance to their exit.[G]Thalaba, having leaped into a “little car” which appears to have been drawn by “four living pinions, headless, bodyless, sprung from one stem that branched below, in four down arching limbs, and clenched the carrings endlong and aside, with claws of griffin grasp;”“Down—down, it sank—down—down—Down—down—a mighty depth!—Down—down—and now it strikes.”There’s thebathosto perfection! Now, if we could in any way have prevailed on Mr Southey to have stopped this side of the centre of gravity, we should have been happy to have hired his “car” for this our dreadful rencontre. But as it appears that the Domdaniel cave soon afterfell in, I fancy it would cost more to dig out this vehicle than to get Mr Southey to make us a new one.
[113]
The Thalaba of English metre.
Mr Southey, in his work with the title of “Thalaba or the Destroyer,” has given us a fine example of a pleasing dreadful performance, which is neither prose, rhyme, nor reason. Indeed, nothing but the inspiration of the gas which we have seen him inhale in the first canto, could have generated the following effusions.
“A Teraph stood against the cavern side,A new born infant’s head,That Khawla at his hour of death had seized,And from the shoulders wrung.It stood upon a plate of gold,An unclean spirit’s name inscribed beneath:The cheeks weredeathydark,Dark the dead skin upon the hairless skull;The lips wereblueypale;Only the eyes had life,They gleamed with demon light.”Book ii.
“A Teraph stood against the cavern side,A new born infant’s head,That Khawla at his hour of death had seized,And from the shoulders wrung.It stood upon a plate of gold,An unclean spirit’s name inscribed beneath:The cheeks weredeathydark,Dark the dead skin upon the hairless skull;The lips wereblueypale;Only the eyes had life,They gleamed with demon light.”Book ii.
“A Teraph stood against the cavern side,A new born infant’s head,That Khawla at his hour of death had seized,And from the shoulders wrung.It stood upon a plate of gold,An unclean spirit’s name inscribed beneath:The cheeks weredeathydark,Dark the dead skin upon the hairless skull;The lips wereblueypale;Only the eyes had life,They gleamed with demon light.”Book ii.
“A Teraph stood against the cavern side,
A new born infant’s head,
That Khawla at his hour of death had seized,
And from the shoulders wrung.
It stood upon a plate of gold,
An unclean spirit’s name inscribed beneath:
The cheeks weredeathydark,
Dark the dead skin upon the hairless skull;
The lips wereblueypale;
Only the eyes had life,
They gleamed with demon light.”
Book ii.
Again he towers in Book v.
“There where the narrowing chasmRose loftier in the hill,Stood Zohak, wretched man, condemned to keepHis cave of punishment.His was the frequent screamWhich far away the prowling Chacal heard,And howled in terror back.Far from his shoulders grewTwo snakes of monster sizeThat ever at his headAimed eager their keen teethTo satiate raving hunger with his brain.He in the eternal conflict oft would seizeTheir swelling necks, and in his giant graspBruise them, and rend their flesh with bloody nails,And howl for agonyFeeling the pangs he gave, for of himselfInseparable parts his torturers grew.”
“There where the narrowing chasmRose loftier in the hill,Stood Zohak, wretched man, condemned to keepHis cave of punishment.His was the frequent screamWhich far away the prowling Chacal heard,And howled in terror back.Far from his shoulders grewTwo snakes of monster sizeThat ever at his headAimed eager their keen teethTo satiate raving hunger with his brain.He in the eternal conflict oft would seizeTheir swelling necks, and in his giant graspBruise them, and rend their flesh with bloody nails,And howl for agonyFeeling the pangs he gave, for of himselfInseparable parts his torturers grew.”
“There where the narrowing chasmRose loftier in the hill,Stood Zohak, wretched man, condemned to keepHis cave of punishment.His was the frequent screamWhich far away the prowling Chacal heard,And howled in terror back.Far from his shoulders grewTwo snakes of monster sizeThat ever at his headAimed eager their keen teethTo satiate raving hunger with his brain.He in the eternal conflict oft would seizeTheir swelling necks, and in his giant graspBruise them, and rend their flesh with bloody nails,And howl for agonyFeeling the pangs he gave, for of himselfInseparable parts his torturers grew.”
“There where the narrowing chasm
Rose loftier in the hill,
Stood Zohak, wretched man, condemned to keep
His cave of punishment.
His was the frequent scream
Which far away the prowling Chacal heard,
And howled in terror back.
Far from his shoulders grew
Two snakes of monster size
That ever at his head
Aimed eager their keen teeth
To satiate raving hunger with his brain.
He in the eternal conflict oft would seize
Their swelling necks, and in his giant grasp
Bruise them, and rend their flesh with bloody nails,
And howl for agony
Feeling the pangs he gave, for of himself
Inseparable parts his torturers grew.”
Now, if in this age of turmoils your worships should have occasion to educate a school of assassins, to be employed as Talleyrand employs his agents, for the purpose of promoting modern philanthropy and French projects of universal empire, I should advise you to prepare them intellectual food from such descriptions as we have quoted above. By accustoming your pupils to meditate on such horrible descriptions you will soon enable them to inflict without compunction or remorse, sufferings like those, which they have been in the habit of contemplating.
We are sorry to see, however, that our friend, Dr Darwin, has been pleased to express his disapprobation of this species of theterriblein style, without which your small poets can never become conspicuous. We shall, however, quote one of his sentiments on the subject merely to let the world know that we great wits do not always tally upon every point.
The doctor tells us in his Botanic Garden, p. 115, that there is a “line of boundary between the tragic and the horrid; which line, however, will veer a little this way or that, according to the prevailing manners of the age or country, and the peculiar association of ideas, or idiosyncrasy of mind, of individuals.”
Now I am apprehensive that doctor Darwin would have adjudged the greater part of Mr Southey’s sublimity to be of the “horrid” rather than thetragicorsublimekind. Such an opinion, however, would not only greatly tarnish the reputation of the critic who should venture to pronounce it, but would entirely put down many pretty good poets, who, as the Edinburgh reviewers say, must have a “qu’il mourut,” and a “let there be light” in every line; and all their characters must be in agonies and ecstacies, from their entrance to their exit.[G]
Thalaba, having leaped into a “little car” which appears to have been drawn by “four living pinions, headless, bodyless, sprung from one stem that branched below, in four down arching limbs, and clenched the carrings endlong and aside, with claws of griffin grasp;”
“Down—down, it sank—down—down—Down—down—a mighty depth!—Down—down—and now it strikes.”
“Down—down, it sank—down—down—Down—down—a mighty depth!—Down—down—and now it strikes.”
“Down—down, it sank—down—down—Down—down—a mighty depth!—Down—down—and now it strikes.”
“Down—down, it sank—down—down—
Down—down—a mighty depth!—
Down—down—and now it strikes.”
There’s thebathosto perfection! Now, if we could in any way have prevailed on Mr Southey to have stopped this side of the centre of gravity, we should have been happy to have hired his “car” for this our dreadful rencontre. But as it appears that the Domdaniel cave soon afterfell in, I fancy it would cost more to dig out this vehicle than to get Mr Southey to make us a new one.
[114]Adown through vast Domdaniel cares.That is, as Southey says, through the Domdaniel caves, “at the roots of the ocean.”
[114]
Adown through vast Domdaniel cares.
That is, as Southey says, through the Domdaniel caves, “at the roots of the ocean.”
[115]To monsieur Mahomet’s paradise.“Thalaba knew that his death-hour was come,And on he leapt, and springing up,Into the idol’s heartHilt deep he drove the sword.The ocean-vault fell in, and all were crushed.In the same moment at the gateOf paradise, Oneiza’s Houri-form,Welcomed her husband to eternal bliss.”
[115]
To monsieur Mahomet’s paradise.
“Thalaba knew that his death-hour was come,And on he leapt, and springing up,Into the idol’s heartHilt deep he drove the sword.The ocean-vault fell in, and all were crushed.In the same moment at the gateOf paradise, Oneiza’s Houri-form,Welcomed her husband to eternal bliss.”
“Thalaba knew that his death-hour was come,And on he leapt, and springing up,Into the idol’s heartHilt deep he drove the sword.The ocean-vault fell in, and all were crushed.In the same moment at the gateOf paradise, Oneiza’s Houri-form,Welcomed her husband to eternal bliss.”
“Thalaba knew that his death-hour was come,And on he leapt, and springing up,Into the idol’s heartHilt deep he drove the sword.The ocean-vault fell in, and all were crushed.In the same moment at the gateOf paradise, Oneiza’s Houri-form,Welcomed her husband to eternal bliss.”
“Thalaba knew that his death-hour was come,
And on he leapt, and springing up,
Into the idol’s heart
Hilt deep he drove the sword.
The ocean-vault fell in, and all were crushed.
In the same moment at the gate
Of paradise, Oneiza’s Houri-form,
Welcomed her husband to eternal bliss.”
[116]Now rant! rave! roar! and rend! and rattle.IChristopherCaustic,censured bycritics, for myaptalliterations, thoughartfullyallied, yetpresume it ispolicy for apennylesspoet topolish hispuny lays to such apitch ofperfection, thatposterity mayplease toplace thepithyproductionparamount to thepeakedpoint of thepinnicle ofPierianParnassus.
[116]
Now rant! rave! roar! and rend! and rattle.
IChristopherCaustic,censured bycritics, for myaptalliterations, thoughartfullyallied, yetpresume it ispolicy for apennylesspoet topolish hispuny lays to such apitch ofperfection, thatposterity mayplease toplace thepithyproductionparamount to thepeakedpoint of thepinnicle ofPierianParnassus.
[117]Drives, Jehu-like, Death’s iron wagon!!A poet of less judgment than myself would have seated Mars in the chariot of Victory, a Vauxhall car, or some other flimsy vehicle of that kind, which would be sure to be dashed to pieces in a conflict like this in which we are at present engaged. The carriage here introduced was made by Vulcan, in his best style of workmanship, for the express purpose of this attack, and in point of strength and size, bears no more proportion to the chariot commonly used by the god of war, than one of those huge broad-wheeled Manchester wagons to the little whalebonethingamywhich the duke of Queensbury ran at New Market.
[117]
Drives, Jehu-like, Death’s iron wagon!!
A poet of less judgment than myself would have seated Mars in the chariot of Victory, a Vauxhall car, or some other flimsy vehicle of that kind, which would be sure to be dashed to pieces in a conflict like this in which we are at present engaged. The carriage here introduced was made by Vulcan, in his best style of workmanship, for the express purpose of this attack, and in point of strength and size, bears no more proportion to the chariot commonly used by the god of war, than one of those huge broad-wheeled Manchester wagons to the little whalebonethingamywhich the duke of Queensbury ran at New Market.
[118]Rend the blue “blanket” of the skies.This is the same “blanket” which Mr Canning said was “wet” when he exhibited it in the House of Commons. Since his use of it on that occasion it has been so frequentlywrungby the wits, that it has now become a perfectly dry and almost thread-bare article.
[118]
Rend the blue “blanket” of the skies.
This is the same “blanket” which Mr Canning said was “wet” when he exhibited it in the House of Commons. Since his use of it on that occasion it has been so frequentlywrungby the wits, that it has now become a perfectly dry and almost thread-bare article.
[119]And round the Blue Ridge make all rattle.Volney informs us in his View that the Alleghany mountain is the frontier on which the south-west and north-west winds in America contend; and that he beheld a spectacle of that kind at Rockfish Gap, on the Blue Ridge. See American edition, page 148.
[119]
And round the Blue Ridge make all rattle.
Volney informs us in his View that the Alleghany mountain is the frontier on which the south-west and north-west winds in America contend; and that he beheld a spectacle of that kind at Rockfish Gap, on the Blue Ridge. See American edition, page 148.
[120]Huge, hissing hot, and hard as granite.It is to me a matter of doubt whether your worships are not absolutely ignorant of the causes and effects of the wonderful phenomena to which we now allude. But if you will please to take with us a stand for observation, exactly at the centre of gravity between the earth and the moon, and look about you with the eyes of great philosophers you will perceive what is well worth a world of admiration.You will perceive that what is vulgarly called theman in the moonis a prodigious volcano, in size much superior to any on our globe, and that this volcano is continually emitting rocks, which ever and anon are thrown beyond the sphere of the moon’s attraction, and of course make their way down upon us.You will likewise find, by turning to the second volume of the Philadelphia Literary Magazine, page 389, an account of above thirty different showers of stones, some of which have weighed not less than 300 pounds. And you will ascertain that there has been a great diversity of opinions among philosophers respecting the origin of these prodigies. Some have believed them to be thrown from some neighboring volcano. Some have thought them to have been wafted about by hurricanes. Others have supposed them to have been concretions formed in the atmosphere. Some have thought them to be masses which were detached from the planets at the time of the formation; and that they have been floating about in infinite space till they met with our earth, which became to them a new centre of gravity.But the truth is, as you may see through any common optical tube, from the situation to which I have just had the honor to conduct you, that these masses of matter are the product oflunar volcanos. Here we have a cause adequate to the effect, as I shall make evident in the following few words.A lunar volcano similar to those on our planet would project bodies much further from the moon than they would be thrown by the same force from Etna or Vesuvius; for,1. It is granted by great philosophers, such asourselfand Dr Darwin, that the moon has no atmosphere; of consequence, a body exploded from the moon would meet with no resistance excepting from the power of gravitation. Dr Darwin informs us, Botanic Garden, canto ii. “If the moon had no atmosphere at the time of its elevation from the earth; or if its atmosphere was afterwards stolen from it by the earth’s attraction, the water on the moon would rise quickly into vapor; and the cold produced by a certain quantity of this evaporation would congeal the remainder of it. Hence it is not probable that the moon is at present inhabited;but as it seems to have suffered and to continue to suffer much by volcanos, a sufficient quantity of air may in process of time be generated to produce an atmosphere, which may prevent its heat from so easily escaping, and its water from so easily evaporating, and thence become fit for the production of vegetables and animals.“That the moon possesses little or no atmosphere is deduced from the undiminished lustre of the stars at the instant when they emerge from behind her disk. That the ocean of the moon is frozen is confirmed from there being no appearance of lunar tides,” &c.2. Bodies on the moon possess much less gravity in proportion to their quantity of matter than bodies on the surface of the earth; for matter is attracted by the earth and moon, respectively, in proportion to the quantity of matter which each contains. It follows that a comparatively slight impulse, communicated to a body on the moon’s surface, would be sufficient to counteract its attraction towards the moon, and if it were propelled towards the earth it might come within its attraction, and would of course make its way to our planet.Thus it appears very evident, even to persons of your worships’ ordinary penetration, that these wonderful showers of stones are of lunar origin.
[120]
Huge, hissing hot, and hard as granite.
It is to me a matter of doubt whether your worships are not absolutely ignorant of the causes and effects of the wonderful phenomena to which we now allude. But if you will please to take with us a stand for observation, exactly at the centre of gravity between the earth and the moon, and look about you with the eyes of great philosophers you will perceive what is well worth a world of admiration.
You will perceive that what is vulgarly called theman in the moonis a prodigious volcano, in size much superior to any on our globe, and that this volcano is continually emitting rocks, which ever and anon are thrown beyond the sphere of the moon’s attraction, and of course make their way down upon us.
You will likewise find, by turning to the second volume of the Philadelphia Literary Magazine, page 389, an account of above thirty different showers of stones, some of which have weighed not less than 300 pounds. And you will ascertain that there has been a great diversity of opinions among philosophers respecting the origin of these prodigies. Some have believed them to be thrown from some neighboring volcano. Some have thought them to have been wafted about by hurricanes. Others have supposed them to have been concretions formed in the atmosphere. Some have thought them to be masses which were detached from the planets at the time of the formation; and that they have been floating about in infinite space till they met with our earth, which became to them a new centre of gravity.
But the truth is, as you may see through any common optical tube, from the situation to which I have just had the honor to conduct you, that these masses of matter are the product oflunar volcanos. Here we have a cause adequate to the effect, as I shall make evident in the following few words.
A lunar volcano similar to those on our planet would project bodies much further from the moon than they would be thrown by the same force from Etna or Vesuvius; for,
1. It is granted by great philosophers, such asourselfand Dr Darwin, that the moon has no atmosphere; of consequence, a body exploded from the moon would meet with no resistance excepting from the power of gravitation. Dr Darwin informs us, Botanic Garden, canto ii. “If the moon had no atmosphere at the time of its elevation from the earth; or if its atmosphere was afterwards stolen from it by the earth’s attraction, the water on the moon would rise quickly into vapor; and the cold produced by a certain quantity of this evaporation would congeal the remainder of it. Hence it is not probable that the moon is at present inhabited;but as it seems to have suffered and to continue to suffer much by volcanos, a sufficient quantity of air may in process of time be generated to produce an atmosphere, which may prevent its heat from so easily escaping, and its water from so easily evaporating, and thence become fit for the production of vegetables and animals.
“That the moon possesses little or no atmosphere is deduced from the undiminished lustre of the stars at the instant when they emerge from behind her disk. That the ocean of the moon is frozen is confirmed from there being no appearance of lunar tides,” &c.
2. Bodies on the moon possess much less gravity in proportion to their quantity of matter than bodies on the surface of the earth; for matter is attracted by the earth and moon, respectively, in proportion to the quantity of matter which each contains. It follows that a comparatively slight impulse, communicated to a body on the moon’s surface, would be sufficient to counteract its attraction towards the moon, and if it were propelled towards the earth it might come within its attraction, and would of course make its way to our planet.
Thus it appears very evident, even to persons of your worships’ ordinary penetration, that these wonderful showers of stones are of lunar origin.
[121]For doctor Tasker to descant on.I feel a very great solicitude to mould and modify every part and parcel of this performance according to rules and regulations of the best master-builders of epic poems, tragedies, and other great things of that kind. The judicious critic will perceive that all my wounds are inflicted with anatomical accuracy, and I have no doubt but my friend Dr Haygarth will do himself the honor to write a treatise upon this subject, and tell the world with what terrible propriety we have hewed and hacked our opponents in the field of battle. The reverend William Tasker, A. B. has furnished a model of this species of criticism inA Series of Letters, respecting “The Anatomical Knowledge of Homer,” &c. Dr Haygarth I expect will prove that the “death wounds” of Sarpedon, Hector, Ulysses’ dog, &c. as displayed in the treatise of Dr Tasker, were mere flea bites compared with these of Dr Caustic.
[121]
For doctor Tasker to descant on.
I feel a very great solicitude to mould and modify every part and parcel of this performance according to rules and regulations of the best master-builders of epic poems, tragedies, and other great things of that kind. The judicious critic will perceive that all my wounds are inflicted with anatomical accuracy, and I have no doubt but my friend Dr Haygarth will do himself the honor to write a treatise upon this subject, and tell the world with what terrible propriety we have hewed and hacked our opponents in the field of battle. The reverend William Tasker, A. B. has furnished a model of this species of criticism inA Series of Letters, respecting “The Anatomical Knowledge of Homer,” &c. Dr Haygarth I expect will prove that the “death wounds” of Sarpedon, Hector, Ulysses’ dog, &c. as displayed in the treatise of Dr Tasker, were mere flea bites compared with these of Dr Caustic.
[122]From where the head to where the tail is.Or more correctly where the tailwas. Lord Monboddo tells us that men, as well as monkies, were formerly dignified with long tails protruding from the place where (according to Butler) honor is lodged. Philosophers and antiquaries had never been able to discover how man became divested of this ornament, till my friend, Dr Anderson, furnished a clue to the mystery. From this discovery I am led to suppose that your antediluvian bucks began the practice ofCUR-tail-ing these excrescences for gentility’s sake, and what was at firstartificialbecame in due timenatural, till, at length, your righttippies, as in modern times, were entirely disencumbered of that monkey-like appendage; but our Bond-street loungers, although divested of that exterior mark of the monkey, with a laudable desire to prevent the intentions of Nature from being defeated, have adopted all the ourang-outang-icalairswhich she originally designed should discriminate that species ofanimalsfrom man.
[122]
From where the head to where the tail is.
Or more correctly where the tailwas. Lord Monboddo tells us that men, as well as monkies, were formerly dignified with long tails protruding from the place where (according to Butler) honor is lodged. Philosophers and antiquaries had never been able to discover how man became divested of this ornament, till my friend, Dr Anderson, furnished a clue to the mystery. From this discovery I am led to suppose that your antediluvian bucks began the practice ofCUR-tail-ing these excrescences for gentility’s sake, and what was at firstartificialbecame in due timenatural, till, at length, your righttippies, as in modern times, were entirely disencumbered of that monkey-like appendage; but our Bond-street loungers, although divested of that exterior mark of the monkey, with a laudable desire to prevent the intentions of Nature from being defeated, have adopted all the ourang-outang-icalairswhich she originally designed should discriminate that species ofanimalsfrom man.
[123]With burning lapis infernalis.The use of thiscausticand other escharotics on this momentous occasion reminds me of an important era in my life, asuccinctbiographical sketch of which I shallshortlypublish, in nineteen volumes folio; a work which, in point of size, erudition, and interesting anecdote, will be immensely preferable to the voluminous production of lord Orford.The event in question was of the greater consequence, as it gave rise to the present family name of “Caustic.”Just thirty-two years since, from the fourteenth day of last July, while I was prosecuting some of my chymical researches, my eldest son Tom, a burly-faced boy, since killed in a duel with a hot-headed Irish gentleman, overturned a bench on which were placed seven carboys full of acids, alkalies, &c. and broke them into inch pieces. The consequences of this accident may be more easily conceived than described. The whole neighborhood was alarmed, and many most terriblycausticizedin endeavoring to extinguish the conflagration which ensued. In the consternation, and amid the exertions to subdue it, some one cried out that Dr Crichton (for such was my former name, being the lineal descendant from the celebrated “admirable Crichton”) is fairly a DrCaustic.Thus began myhonoraryname, of which, as it isscientific, I am not a little proud, especially as it was acquired by virtue of anexplosion, similar to that which gave the honorary appellation ofBronteto my friend, viscount Nelson of the Nile. For further particulars respecting this important event, you will please to inquire at the Herald’s college, where, I dare say, “garter principal king at arms,” sir Isaac Heard, knt. has done me the justice to register the occurrence. Instead of lions, bulls, boars, camels, elephants, and such insignificantanimalculæ, my shield is decorated with insignia more appropriate to my great pretensions. On the left are seen broken carboyscouchant, implying that the secrets of science lie prostrate before me. On the right are fumesrampant, indicative of my discoveries, whichsoarabove those of all other pretenders. In the centre are nine hedgehogs, with quills,stickant, a happy emblem of my peaceable disposition.My motto, which I trust sir Isaac has also registered, is worthy of notice. Dr Darwin was much pleased with it, and, desirous to emulate my fame in the art of motto making,made“OMNIA E CONCHIS.” But your worships will perceive that the doctor’s motto bears no comparison with mine, in point of erudition; as I prove myself versed in three languages; whereas he can boast of only one. Here it comes.Ο ανθρωπος, or η γυνηLacessit never me impune!!This, my beautiful and appropriate motto, for the sake of accommodating those among your worships, who are not versed in the lore of Greece and Rome, and cannot afford to subsidize men of erudition to officiate for you in that department of science, I shall render into our vernacular idiom, as follows:If I’m attack’d by man or trollopI’ll dose the knave with drastic jalap.Lest the more critical and polite reader should complain, that in order tolet myself downto the level of your worshipful capacities, I have anglicized my sublime motto in too vulgar and colloquial a style, I shall take the liberty, politely, to parodize thereon, and, as lord Bacon says, “to bring it home to men’s business and bosoms;” that is, to make the application to that particular kind of gentry, against whom my hedgehog quills, aforesaid, are pointedin terrorem.Ladies and gentlemen,REVIEWERS!You are a set of mischief brewers;A gang of scandalous backbiters,Who feast on us, poor murder’d writers.Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet,I tell you honestly I sha’n’t letYour impudences, with impunity,Impose in future on community.If you dare say that greater witThan doctor Caustic ever writ;If you dare venture to suggestHis every word is not the best;If you dare hint that Caustic’s noddleIs not improved from Homer’s model;If you darethinkhe has not trebleThe inspiration of a Sybil;If you don’t seem to take delightIn puffing him with all your might;If you don’t coin for him some proper liesTo circulate through this metropolis,To give eclat to this editionOf his Poetical Petition;If you don’t sing the same tune o’erWhich he himself has sung before,Ancients and moderns, altogether,Are but the shadow of a feather,Compared with Caustic, even asA puff of hydrogenous gas,He’ll hurl ye to old Davy’s grotto,As you’ll imagine from his motto.
[123]
With burning lapis infernalis.
The use of thiscausticand other escharotics on this momentous occasion reminds me of an important era in my life, asuccinctbiographical sketch of which I shallshortlypublish, in nineteen volumes folio; a work which, in point of size, erudition, and interesting anecdote, will be immensely preferable to the voluminous production of lord Orford.
The event in question was of the greater consequence, as it gave rise to the present family name of “Caustic.”
Just thirty-two years since, from the fourteenth day of last July, while I was prosecuting some of my chymical researches, my eldest son Tom, a burly-faced boy, since killed in a duel with a hot-headed Irish gentleman, overturned a bench on which were placed seven carboys full of acids, alkalies, &c. and broke them into inch pieces. The consequences of this accident may be more easily conceived than described. The whole neighborhood was alarmed, and many most terriblycausticizedin endeavoring to extinguish the conflagration which ensued. In the consternation, and amid the exertions to subdue it, some one cried out that Dr Crichton (for such was my former name, being the lineal descendant from the celebrated “admirable Crichton”) is fairly a DrCaustic.
Thus began myhonoraryname, of which, as it isscientific, I am not a little proud, especially as it was acquired by virtue of anexplosion, similar to that which gave the honorary appellation ofBronteto my friend, viscount Nelson of the Nile. For further particulars respecting this important event, you will please to inquire at the Herald’s college, where, I dare say, “garter principal king at arms,” sir Isaac Heard, knt. has done me the justice to register the occurrence. Instead of lions, bulls, boars, camels, elephants, and such insignificantanimalculæ, my shield is decorated with insignia more appropriate to my great pretensions. On the left are seen broken carboyscouchant, implying that the secrets of science lie prostrate before me. On the right are fumesrampant, indicative of my discoveries, whichsoarabove those of all other pretenders. In the centre are nine hedgehogs, with quills,stickant, a happy emblem of my peaceable disposition.
My motto, which I trust sir Isaac has also registered, is worthy of notice. Dr Darwin was much pleased with it, and, desirous to emulate my fame in the art of motto making,made“OMNIA E CONCHIS.” But your worships will perceive that the doctor’s motto bears no comparison with mine, in point of erudition; as I prove myself versed in three languages; whereas he can boast of only one. Here it comes.
Ο ανθρωπος, or η γυνηLacessit never me impune!!
Ο ανθρωπος, or η γυνηLacessit never me impune!!
Ο ανθρωπος, or η γυνηLacessit never me impune!!
Ο ανθρωπος, or η γυνη
Lacessit never me impune!!
This, my beautiful and appropriate motto, for the sake of accommodating those among your worships, who are not versed in the lore of Greece and Rome, and cannot afford to subsidize men of erudition to officiate for you in that department of science, I shall render into our vernacular idiom, as follows:
If I’m attack’d by man or trollopI’ll dose the knave with drastic jalap.
If I’m attack’d by man or trollopI’ll dose the knave with drastic jalap.
If I’m attack’d by man or trollopI’ll dose the knave with drastic jalap.
If I’m attack’d by man or trollop
I’ll dose the knave with drastic jalap.
Lest the more critical and polite reader should complain, that in order tolet myself downto the level of your worshipful capacities, I have anglicized my sublime motto in too vulgar and colloquial a style, I shall take the liberty, politely, to parodize thereon, and, as lord Bacon says, “to bring it home to men’s business and bosoms;” that is, to make the application to that particular kind of gentry, against whom my hedgehog quills, aforesaid, are pointedin terrorem.
Ladies and gentlemen,REVIEWERS!You are a set of mischief brewers;A gang of scandalous backbiters,Who feast on us, poor murder’d writers.Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet,I tell you honestly I sha’n’t letYour impudences, with impunity,Impose in future on community.If you dare say that greater witThan doctor Caustic ever writ;If you dare venture to suggestHis every word is not the best;If you dare hint that Caustic’s noddleIs not improved from Homer’s model;If you darethinkhe has not trebleThe inspiration of a Sybil;If you don’t seem to take delightIn puffing him with all your might;If you don’t coin for him some proper liesTo circulate through this metropolis,To give eclat to this editionOf his Poetical Petition;If you don’t sing the same tune o’erWhich he himself has sung before,Ancients and moderns, altogether,Are but the shadow of a feather,Compared with Caustic, even asA puff of hydrogenous gas,He’ll hurl ye to old Davy’s grotto,As you’ll imagine from his motto.
Ladies and gentlemen,REVIEWERS!You are a set of mischief brewers;A gang of scandalous backbiters,Who feast on us, poor murder’d writers.Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet,I tell you honestly I sha’n’t letYour impudences, with impunity,Impose in future on community.If you dare say that greater witThan doctor Caustic ever writ;If you dare venture to suggestHis every word is not the best;If you dare hint that Caustic’s noddleIs not improved from Homer’s model;If you darethinkhe has not trebleThe inspiration of a Sybil;If you don’t seem to take delightIn puffing him with all your might;If you don’t coin for him some proper liesTo circulate through this metropolis,To give eclat to this editionOf his Poetical Petition;If you don’t sing the same tune o’erWhich he himself has sung before,Ancients and moderns, altogether,Are but the shadow of a feather,Compared with Caustic, even asA puff of hydrogenous gas,He’ll hurl ye to old Davy’s grotto,As you’ll imagine from his motto.
Ladies and gentlemen,REVIEWERS!You are a set of mischief brewers;A gang of scandalous backbiters,Who feast on us, poor murder’d writers.Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet,I tell you honestly I sha’n’t letYour impudences, with impunity,Impose in future on community.If you dare say that greater witThan doctor Caustic ever writ;If you dare venture to suggestHis every word is not the best;If you dare hint that Caustic’s noddleIs not improved from Homer’s model;If you darethinkhe has not trebleThe inspiration of a Sybil;If you don’t seem to take delightIn puffing him with all your might;If you don’t coin for him some proper liesTo circulate through this metropolis,To give eclat to this editionOf his Poetical Petition;If you don’t sing the same tune o’erWhich he himself has sung before,Ancients and moderns, altogether,Are but the shadow of a feather,Compared with Caustic, even asA puff of hydrogenous gas,He’ll hurl ye to old Davy’s grotto,As you’ll imagine from his motto.
Ladies and gentlemen,REVIEWERS!
You are a set of mischief brewers;
A gang of scandalous backbiters,
Who feast on us, poor murder’d writers.
Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet,
I tell you honestly I sha’n’t let
Your impudences, with impunity,
Impose in future on community.
If you dare say that greater wit
Than doctor Caustic ever writ;
If you dare venture to suggest
His every word is not the best;
If you dare hint that Caustic’s noddle
Is not improved from Homer’s model;
If you darethinkhe has not treble
The inspiration of a Sybil;
If you don’t seem to take delight
In puffing him with all your might;
If you don’t coin for him some proper lies
To circulate through this metropolis,
To give eclat to this edition
Of his Poetical Petition;
If you don’t sing the same tune o’er
Which he himself has sung before,
Ancients and moderns, altogether,
Are but the shadow of a feather,
Compared with Caustic, even as
A puff of hydrogenous gas,
He’ll hurl ye to old Davy’s grotto,
As you’ll imagine from his motto.
[124]Thus monsieur Satan, was quite merry.So said Milton,Paradise Lost, B. vi. where the hero of the poem (whom I would propose as a model for your worships’ imitation on all occasions) and his merry companions “in gamesome mood stand scoffing,” and “quips cranks,” powder, grape shot, puns, blunderbuss, jokes, and cannon-balls, flash, roar, and bellow in concert.But I am sure that every candid critic will be disposed to acknowledge that neither Homer nor Milton ever described a battle, fraught with such sublime images and similes, as this in which we are so desperately engaged.
[124]
Thus monsieur Satan, was quite merry.
So said Milton,Paradise Lost, B. vi. where the hero of the poem (whom I would propose as a model for your worships’ imitation on all occasions) and his merry companions “in gamesome mood stand scoffing,” and “quips cranks,” powder, grape shot, puns, blunderbuss, jokes, and cannon-balls, flash, roar, and bellow in concert.
But I am sure that every candid critic will be disposed to acknowledge that neither Homer nor Milton ever described a battle, fraught with such sublime images and similes, as this in which we are so desperately engaged.