FAMILIES SUPPLIEDAuntie (to her young niece): Guess what I know, Mary. There's a little baby brother up-stairs! He came this morning when you were asleep.Mary: Did he? Then I know who brought him. It was the milkman.Auntie: What do you mean, Mary?Mary: Why, I looked at the sign on his cart yesterday, and it said, "Families supplied daily."EMBARRASSINGA Philadelphia business man tells this story on himself:"You know in this city there are two telephone companies," he said, "and in my office I have a telephone of each company. Last week I hired a new office boy, and one of his duties was to answer the telephone. The other day, when one of the bells rang, he answered the call, and then came in and told me I was wanted on the 'phone by my wife."'Which one?' I inquired quickly, thinking of the two telephones, of course."'Please, sir,' stammered the boy, 'I don't know how many you have.'"HIS ANSWER CORRECTA young man was taking the civil service examination, and was exasperated at the irrelevance of some of the questions. One question was:"How many British troops were sent to this country during the American Revolution?"The young man shook his head for a moment, and, much annoyed, wrote the answer:"I don't know, but a darned sight more than went back."THE LANDLADY'S INDIGNATION"Well, how did you rest last night?" asked the landlady of the new boarder."I didn't rest much," he replied, "I was troubled all night with insomnia.""Sir," was the landlady's indignant comment, "I've never heard such a complaint before in my twenty-two years a housekeeper, and I'd have you know, sir, I've had your betters as my boarders! Moreover," she went on, as he began to mumble an explanation, "I do not believe you, sir, and am willing to board you free if you find a single one in that bed."A TEMPERANCE SERMONAt a recent dinner, Colonel McC---- made a speech in which he said that his frequent going to dinners tended to impair his digestive apparatus. He concluded by saying that he was somewhat in the position of the editor of the country weekly who announced in one issue of his paper:"For the evil effects of intemperance, see our inside."BOOKS AND AUTHORSA teacher in the Girls' High School vouches for the story of an incident which occurred during the examination of one of her classes in English literature. One of the questions was:"Give a quotation, name of book in which it appears, and name of the author of the book."Here is the answer turned in by one of the girls:"The Lord's Prayer, the Bible, by God."WHAT HE HAD READAn unlettered Irishman's application to the Court of Naturalization resulted in the following dialogue:Judge: "Have you read the Declaration of Independence?"Applicant: "No, sir."Judge: "Have you read the Constitution of the United States?"Applicant: "No, sir."Judge: "Have you read the history of the United States?"Applicant: "No, sir."Judge: "No? Well, what have you read?"Applicant: "Oi have some red hair on the back of me neck, your honor."THE ELDER'S NEEDBishop Potter tells of an incident that occurred at a negro camp-meeting. The presiding elder had a voice like a fog-horn and used it to the full in exhortation."Lord," he prayed, "give us power! Give us, Lord, power! We want power, oh, Lord! Power is what we want--more power! Give us power we beseech Thee.""Elder," came a voice from the seats, "yo' is shuh wrong. 'Tain't power what yo' need, but idees."THE NUMBER INCOMPLETEPerhaps he invented the story, but a well-known photographer tells this for a fact. A woman entered his studio."Are you the photographer?""Yes, madam.""Do you take children's pictures?""Yes, certainly.""How much do you charge?""Three dollars a dozen.""Well," said the woman, sorrowfully, "I'll have to see you again. I've only got eleven."NONE TO INJUREIt is told of a certain normal school professor, that a student once asked him whether peroxiding the hair is injurious to the brain."No," replied the professor, positively."Why, I've heard it is," said the student."No," repeated the professor. "Any person who peroxides the hair hasn't any brain to injure."DOUBTFUL PRAISEDuring the Civil War an old negro was overheard praying. "Oh, Lord," he said, "bress the Union soldiers! Bress General Grant! Oh, Lord, he is coming down here to save us. Oh, bress General Grant! He has a white face, but he's got a black heart."BRITISH PERSPICACITYCharles Francis Adams was escorting an English friend about Boston. They were viewing the different objects of attraction and came finally to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splendid monument, when Mr. Adams remarked:"This is the place, sir, where Warren fell.""Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not very familiar with American history. "Was he seriously hurt by his fall?"Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt!" said he, "he was killed, sir.""Ah! indeed!" the Englishman replied, still eying the monument and commencing to compute its height in his own mind. "Well, I should think he might have been--falling so far."A FUNNY DOGMildred is a bright little girl of six. The other day she was with her mother in the park when she saw a dog whose species was entirely new to her.That evening she thus described it to her father:"It was such a funny dog, father; it looked about a dog and a half long, and only half a dog high; and it had only four legs, but looked as if it ought to have six."Needless to say, the father recognized from her graphic description that Mildred had seen a dachshund.A LINCOLN STORYIn 1862 an intimate friend of President Lincoln visited him in Washington, finding him rather depressed in spirits as the result of the reverses then repeatedly suffered by the Federal troops."This being President isn't all it is supposed to be, is it, Mr. Lincoln?" said his visitor."No," Lincoln replied, his eye twinkling for a moment. "I feel sometimes like the Irishman who, after being ridden on a rail, said: 'If it wasn't for the honor av th' thing, I'd rather walk.'"MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ITAn old negro was taken ill and called in a physician of his own race to prescribe for him; but the old man did not seem to improve, and eventually a white physician was summoned. Soon after his arrival, Dr. ---- felt the old man's pulse for a moment and then examined his tongue."Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked."I don't know, boss," the sick man answered feebly, "I hain't missed anything but my watch as yit."A NEW LEAF IN THE BOOKA New York man recently gained a Missouri girl for his bride by the elopement method. The girl was somewhat romantic, and when the ceremony had been performed and the telegram sent apprising her parents of what had taken place, she looked soulfully up into the eyes of her husband and said, "Dear, we have added a leaf to our book of life to-day, haven't we?""Yes," replied the happy groom, "I guess it must be the fly-leaf."A POWERFUL REMEDYOne day, while running a fox, Major ---- was violently thrown and rendered insensible. Until a doctor could be procured, his old colored servant was asked to care for him. When the doctor arrived, he found the major quietly smoking on his veranda, and was curious to know what medicine had effected such miraculous results. Uncle John, being questioned, explained his mode of treatment as follows:"Massa bus' his insides an' I give him allum an' rozum.""What for?" asked the astonished physician."De allum to draw de parts togidder an' de rozum to sodder dem."DAMAGES ENOUGHAn old colored woman was seriously injured in a railway accident. One and all her friends urged the necessity of suing the wealthy railroad corporation for damages."I 'clar' to gracious," she scornfully replied to their advice, "ef dis ole nigga ain't done git more'n nuff o' damages! What I'se wantin' now and what I'se done gwine to sue dat company foh is repairs."COALS TO NEWCASTLEA benevolent old gentleman one day saw a rural-looking man sitting on a stone wall swinging his legs and gazing earnestly at the telegraph wires. Going over to the yokel he said:"Waiting to see a message go 'long, eh?"The man grinned and said, "Ay."The benevolent old gentleman got on the wall and for the next quarter of an hour tried hard to dispel his ignorance."Now," he said at last, "as you know something about the matter, I hope you will spread your knowledge among your mates on the farm.""But I don't work on a farm," replied the rural citizen."Where, then, may I ask?""Me and my mates are telegraph linesmen and we are testing a new wire."KNEW HOW TO GET ITA prominent New Yorker has a wife who is a model of all the domestic virtues. Among her accomplishments is a talent for bread-making and she naturally takes great pride in having her loaves turn out well. One evening after setting her bread as usual, her eight-year-old son came running up-stairs crying, "Mamma, mamma, a mouse has jumped into your bread pan!"The good woman was much perturbed. "Did you take him out?" she asked."No'm, but I did just as well. I threw the cat in, an' she's diggin' after him to beat the band!"STILL LOSTSir C. Purdon Clarke, during his New York visit, often went to the Metropolitan Museum unaccompanied, and walked homeward through Central Park. One afternoon, near the Obelisk, he saw a scantily clad woman crying, and spoke to her."I want to go to the Brooklyn bridge," she explained, "and I've lost my way."Unaccustomed to New York street mendicants, the London art enthusiast supplied sympathy, directions as to route, and a liberal allowance of car fare. Three days afterward he was stopped by the same woman, who again wanted to go to the Brooklyn bridge."Goodness gracious!" exclaimed Sir Purdon, "haven't you got to the bridge yet?"A STORY OF LLOYD OSBORNELloyd Osborne, kinsman and collaborator of Robert Louis Stevenson, called on the cashier of a leading magazine one day, after vainly writing several times for a check due him."I am sorry," explained the cashier, "but Colonel So-and-So who always signs our checks, is confined at home with the gout.""But, my dear man," expostulated the author-collector, "does he sign them with his feet?"DIDN'T MIND"I suppose, Jerry," said the eminent statesman, looking through his pocket-book for a new dollar bill, "like a lot of other folks nowadays, you would rather have clean money?""Oh, that's all right, Senator," said the cabman. "I don't care how you made your money."NOT UP-TO-DATEThomas A. Edison is very fond of children. While on a visit recently he was endeavoring to amuse the son of the host, when the youngster asked him to draw an engine. Mr. Edison promptly set to work, and, thinking it would please the child, he added a couple of extra smokestacks and several imaginary parts. When the plan was completed the boy eyed it critically; then he turned to the inventor with disapproval in every feature."You don't know much about engines, do you?" he said with infantile frankness. "Engines may have been that way in your time, but they've changed a whole lot since then."LION AT LARGEAt a certain school, in the "jograffy" class, the teacher had been at great pains to define and impress upon the children the meaning of the word "equator," defined as "an imaginary line which surrounds the world." When by repetition they were thought to have it letter perfect, she complimented them and told them to repeat it at home, and surprise their parents with the extent of their knowledge."Uncle, have you ever seen a quator?" said one little tot."No, my dear, I don't even know what it is.""Why, it's a menagerie lion that runs round the world."CHARACTERISTIC PORTRAITUREA young man in a New England town started in the livery business, and one of the first things he did was to have a sign painted representing himself holding a mule by the bridle. He was particularly proud of this stroke of business enterprise, and asked of his wife:"Is that not a good likeness of me?""Yes," she replied, "it is a perfect picture of you; but who is the fellow holding the bridle?"INNOCENCE ABROADAn old Southern darky was sent for the first time to the post-office to mail four letters, and was told to buy stamps for them."Boss," he said, looking in through the stamp window, "how much do it tek ter sen' fo' letters for Massa Johnson?""Eight cents," replied the clerk, from within the window."Dat so?" interjected the negro."Yes, uncle."The old darky took out a leather bag and worried from it eight coppers. Laying these on the counter, he said:"Well, yo' c'n let 'em go 'long.""But where are the letters?" asked the clerk."Whar is day? Why, I done drapt 'em in de hole 'roun' yonder."DOUBTSThere was a darky in southern Tennessee named Eph. Friday, who died a short time ago. Eph. was neither a member of a church nor of a lodge and thus had no one to deliver an address or prayer at his burial. At last an old uncle consented to say a few remarks for the departed soul. As the coffin was being lowered into the grave the old uncle said to the assembled mourners:"Eph. Friday, we trusts you hab gone to de place whar we spects you ain't."FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONSAn army officer, in his expense list on Government service, put down:"Porter, ten cents."The officer was requested to report to the War Office, where he was told:"While executing public duty refreshments are not chargeable to the nation.""The item does not represent refreshments," replied the officer, "but a fee to a carrier.""You should have said 'porterage,'" was then explained to him.When the officer had occasion to take a hansom, remembering instructions, he wrote in his accounts:"Cabbage, fifty cents."A CHEERFUL GIVERBobby's father had given him a ten-cent piece and a quarter of a dollar, telling him he might put one or the other on the contribution plate."Which did you give, Bobby?" his father asked when the boy came home from church."Well, father, I thought at first I ought to put in the quarter," said Bobby, "but then just in time I remembered 'The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could give the ten-cent piece a great deal more cheerfully, so I put that in."INHERITEDVincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his teachers. Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted out were tried without any apparent effect upon the boy, until at last the head master decided to mention the lad's faults upon his monthly report.So the next report to his father had these words:"Vincent talks a great deal."Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in red ink under the comment:"You ought to hear his mother."AN EXAMPLEThe teacher was explaining to her scholars the meaning of the word "transparent." "Anything," she said, "is called transparent that can be seen through. Now, Willie, can you give me an example?""Yes, ma'am," replied the boy. "A hole in the fence at the baseball grounds."POINT OF VIEWA Wilkesbarre woman recently engaged as nurse a Scotch girl just come to this country.It appears that one Sunday the lady induced the nurse, who is the strictest sort of Presbyterian, to attend a beautiful church just erected in Wilkesbarre.When the girl returned her mistress asked her if she hadn't found the church a fine one."Yes, ma'am," responded the girl, "it is very beautiful.""And the singing," said the lady, "wasn't that lovely?""Oh, yes," replied the nurse, "it was very lovely, ma'am, but don't you think it's an awful way to spend the Sabbath?"PAY INCREASED TO $4 RIGHT AWAYThe boss was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The new office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The surprised boss opened it and read:"Honored Sir--Yer pants is ripped."OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES"Why, Mabel," said a mother to her four-year-old daughter, "you've got one of your stockings on wrong side out.""I put it on that way," explained the little miss, "'cause there's a hole on the other side."FOR ALL POSSIBLE EMERGENCIES"This is glorious!" exclaimed the fair maid, as the automobile struck a smooth stretch of country road, and the young man let the machine go at full speed. "But who are those two men that have been following us in a runabout all morning?""Never mind them," he replied. "One is the repair man, and the other's the surgeon."TIME FOR CHANGENot long ago three scientific gentlemen from an Eastern institution visited a certain Montana mine. One of the men was evidently of a most nervous temperament, and on the ascent, by means of the usual bucket, he thought he perceived signs of weakness in the rope by which the bucket was suspended."How often," inquired he of the attendant, when the party was about half-way up, "how often do you change these ropes?""Oh, about every three months," carelessly replied the attendant. Then he added thoughtfully, "We'll change this one to-morrow, if we get up safely."INCOME DWINDLEDAn old negro who had been working for a cotton planter for many years, came to his employer and said:"I'se gwine to quit, boss.""What's the matter, Mose?""Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Wintah, ain't kicked me in de las' free mumfs.""I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything like that around my place.""Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se gwine to quit. Every time Mistah Wintah used to kick and cuff me when he done git mad, he always git 'shamed of hisse'f and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money a'ready wid dis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' mah feelin's."GETTING EVENA young bride was recently invited to a bridge luncheon, and after spending a delightful afternoon was told by her hostess that she was in debt to the amount of seventy-five dollars.Mrs. ----, unaware that she had been playing for money, mournfully confided her woes to her husband, and he immediately wrote a check for seventy-six dollars and fifty cents and sent it to the hostess.The hostess, believing that a mistake had been made, informed him that he had sent a dollar and a half too much. Mr. ----, however, returned it with the curt statement that the seventy-five dollars settled the bridge score, and the balance was for his wife's luncheon.CHARGED THE JURYBy some peculiar election twist, an old negro was elected a justice of the peace in the backwoods of Georgia.His first case happened to be one in which the defendant asked for a trial by jury. When the testimony was all in and the argument had been concluded, the justice seemed somewhat embarrassed. Finally one of the lawyers whispered to him that it was time to charge the jury. Looking at the jury with a grim, judicial air, the judge said:"Gentlemen ob de jury, sense dis is a very small case, I'll jes' charge y'all a dollar an' a ha'f a-piece."SHOULD BE FAMILIARGeneral Horace Porter told the following:"In the mountains of New Hampshire I met one of the colored troops, who was still fighting nobly, driving a stage on a county route, and asked him, 'What is your name?'"'George Washington, sah.'"I said: 'That is a name that is well known to everybody in this country.'"'I reckon, sah, it ought to be. I'se been drivin' heah evah since da wah.'"HE COULD CURE ITDr. William Osler, of Johns Hopkins and Oxford, tells this story:An old darky quack, well known in a certain section of the South, was passing the house of a planter whose wife was reported to be dangerously ill. Stopping at the gate he called to one of the hands:"I say, Rastus, how's the missus?""Well," replied Rastus, "the doctah done say dis mawnin' dat she convalescent.""Humph! Dat ain't nothin', chile," said the old quack, with an air of superior wisdom. "Why, I've done cured convalescence in twenty-foah hours!"THE NEW NATURAL HISTORYA hard-working fancy dealer had ransacked the whole shop in his efforts to please an old lady who wanted to purchase a present--"anything real nice"--for her granddaughter. For the fifteenth time she picked up and critically examined a neat little satchel."Are you quite sure that this is genuine alligator skin?" she inquired."Positive, madam," quoth the dealer. "I shot that alligator myself.""It looks rather soiled," said the lady."That, madam, is where it struck the ground when it tumbled off the tree."DURABILITY WANTEDA New York editor tells a story of a man who was the father of twelve children, all of whom had been rocked to sleep by the same toe and in the same cradle. The toe stood it all right, but the cradle had begun to show signs of wear toward the end of the rocking period of the twelfth."John," said the wife one day, looking fondly at the cradle at her side, "this old cradle has done good service, but it is about worn out. I am afraid it is nearly gone!""That's right," assented the husband. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a ten dollar bill. "Here you are. Next time you go to the city get a new one. Get a good one this time; one that'll last."MEN NOT EQUALSome years ago the Chief Justice of the United States found that the tire of one of his wheels was loose and kept slipping off. Coming to a little stream he drove into it and got one little section of the wheel wet; then drove out and backed his horse, and the same part of the wheel went into the water again. Thus he kept going backward and forward, all the time wetting the same part of the wheel.A negro saw the situation and told the justice to back into the water again. He did so, and the negro took hold of the spokes of the wheel and, turning it slowly, soon had it wet all around."Why, I never thought of that," cried the chief justice."Well," replied the darky, "some men just nat'ly have more sense than others."CRUELTY OF SCIENCEA little boy was once given two images of plaster, coated on the outside with pink sugar. He wanted to eat the images, but he was warned on no account to do so."They are poison," he was told. "If you eat them, it will kill you."However, the boy was dubious. He been cheated before this by grown-up people. Finally he had a young friend to spend the day with him, and that night it was discovered that one of the images had disappeared. His mother, nearly frantic, rushed to him."Harold," she said, "where is that pink image?"Harold frowned, as he answered defiantly: "I gave it to Richard, and if he's alive to-morrow, I'm going to eat the other one myself."A LITERAL SCHOLARA professor of the Cornell Law School tells the following story of a student in one of his freshmen classes:The members of the class had been answering questions in moot-court, and the subject under discussion was a cow which had been killed by a railway train. Each student was required to fill out a paper on the case."This brilliant youth," says the professor, "wrote with all seriousness after 'Disposition of the Carcass': 'Mild and gentle.'"ESTABLISHED HIS IDENTITYIn a Kentucky court room, a prominent lawyer of that state was defending a prisoner charged with horse stealing, and a witness was swearing as to the identity of the stolen horse."How do you know this is the same horse?" asked the lawyer."Why, I just know it is," said the witness."Well, how?" again asked the man of law."I can't tell exactly how; but I know it is as well as I know that you are General H----.""Well, how do you know that I am General H----?""Because just before dinner I heard Mr. C---- say, 'General H----, let's go and take a drink, and you went."WAS REMARKED BEFOREA certain good clergyman was once riding in a city street-car, and when passing a large and very handsome church a fellow-passenger turned to him and said:"If these Christians would stop building fine churches and give the money to the poor, it would be more to their credit.""I've heard that remark before," was the quiet rejoinder."Indeed! and by whom, may I ask?""Judas Iscariot!" was the crushing answer.A NOVEL PULPIT
FAMILIES SUPPLIED
Auntie (to her young niece): Guess what I know, Mary. There's a little baby brother up-stairs! He came this morning when you were asleep.
Mary: Did he? Then I know who brought him. It was the milkman.
Auntie: What do you mean, Mary?
Mary: Why, I looked at the sign on his cart yesterday, and it said, "Families supplied daily."
EMBARRASSING
A Philadelphia business man tells this story on himself:
"You know in this city there are two telephone companies," he said, "and in my office I have a telephone of each company. Last week I hired a new office boy, and one of his duties was to answer the telephone. The other day, when one of the bells rang, he answered the call, and then came in and told me I was wanted on the 'phone by my wife.
"'Which one?' I inquired quickly, thinking of the two telephones, of course.
"'Please, sir,' stammered the boy, 'I don't know how many you have.'"
HIS ANSWER CORRECT
A young man was taking the civil service examination, and was exasperated at the irrelevance of some of the questions. One question was:
"How many British troops were sent to this country during the American Revolution?"
The young man shook his head for a moment, and, much annoyed, wrote the answer:
"I don't know, but a darned sight more than went back."
THE LANDLADY'S INDIGNATION
"Well, how did you rest last night?" asked the landlady of the new boarder.
"I didn't rest much," he replied, "I was troubled all night with insomnia."
"Sir," was the landlady's indignant comment, "I've never heard such a complaint before in my twenty-two years a housekeeper, and I'd have you know, sir, I've had your betters as my boarders! Moreover," she went on, as he began to mumble an explanation, "I do not believe you, sir, and am willing to board you free if you find a single one in that bed."
A TEMPERANCE SERMON
At a recent dinner, Colonel McC---- made a speech in which he said that his frequent going to dinners tended to impair his digestive apparatus. He concluded by saying that he was somewhat in the position of the editor of the country weekly who announced in one issue of his paper:
"For the evil effects of intemperance, see our inside."
BOOKS AND AUTHORS
A teacher in the Girls' High School vouches for the story of an incident which occurred during the examination of one of her classes in English literature. One of the questions was:
"Give a quotation, name of book in which it appears, and name of the author of the book."
Here is the answer turned in by one of the girls:
"The Lord's Prayer, the Bible, by God."
WHAT HE HAD READ
An unlettered Irishman's application to the Court of Naturalization resulted in the following dialogue:
Judge: "Have you read the Declaration of Independence?"
Applicant: "No, sir."
Judge: "Have you read the Constitution of the United States?"
Applicant: "No, sir."
Judge: "Have you read the history of the United States?"
Applicant: "No, sir."
Judge: "No? Well, what have you read?"
Applicant: "Oi have some red hair on the back of me neck, your honor."
THE ELDER'S NEED
Bishop Potter tells of an incident that occurred at a negro camp-meeting. The presiding elder had a voice like a fog-horn and used it to the full in exhortation.
"Lord," he prayed, "give us power! Give us, Lord, power! We want power, oh, Lord! Power is what we want--more power! Give us power we beseech Thee."
"Elder," came a voice from the seats, "yo' is shuh wrong. 'Tain't power what yo' need, but idees."
THE NUMBER INCOMPLETE
Perhaps he invented the story, but a well-known photographer tells this for a fact. A woman entered his studio.
"Are you the photographer?"
"Yes, madam."
"Do you take children's pictures?"
"Yes, certainly."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three dollars a dozen."
"Well," said the woman, sorrowfully, "I'll have to see you again. I've only got eleven."
NONE TO INJURE
It is told of a certain normal school professor, that a student once asked him whether peroxiding the hair is injurious to the brain.
"No," replied the professor, positively.
"Why, I've heard it is," said the student.
"No," repeated the professor. "Any person who peroxides the hair hasn't any brain to injure."
DOUBTFUL PRAISE
During the Civil War an old negro was overheard praying. "Oh, Lord," he said, "bress the Union soldiers! Bress General Grant! Oh, Lord, he is coming down here to save us. Oh, bress General Grant! He has a white face, but he's got a black heart."
BRITISH PERSPICACITY
Charles Francis Adams was escorting an English friend about Boston. They were viewing the different objects of attraction and came finally to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splendid monument, when Mr. Adams remarked:
"This is the place, sir, where Warren fell."
"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not very familiar with American history. "Was he seriously hurt by his fall?"
Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt!" said he, "he was killed, sir."
"Ah! indeed!" the Englishman replied, still eying the monument and commencing to compute its height in his own mind. "Well, I should think he might have been--falling so far."
A FUNNY DOG
Mildred is a bright little girl of six. The other day she was with her mother in the park when she saw a dog whose species was entirely new to her.
That evening she thus described it to her father:
"It was such a funny dog, father; it looked about a dog and a half long, and only half a dog high; and it had only four legs, but looked as if it ought to have six."
Needless to say, the father recognized from her graphic description that Mildred had seen a dachshund.
A LINCOLN STORY
In 1862 an intimate friend of President Lincoln visited him in Washington, finding him rather depressed in spirits as the result of the reverses then repeatedly suffered by the Federal troops.
"This being President isn't all it is supposed to be, is it, Mr. Lincoln?" said his visitor.
"No," Lincoln replied, his eye twinkling for a moment. "I feel sometimes like the Irishman who, after being ridden on a rail, said: 'If it wasn't for the honor av th' thing, I'd rather walk.'"
MIGHT HAVE TAKEN IT
An old negro was taken ill and called in a physician of his own race to prescribe for him; but the old man did not seem to improve, and eventually a white physician was summoned. Soon after his arrival, Dr. ---- felt the old man's pulse for a moment and then examined his tongue.
"Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked.
"I don't know, boss," the sick man answered feebly, "I hain't missed anything but my watch as yit."
A NEW LEAF IN THE BOOK
A New York man recently gained a Missouri girl for his bride by the elopement method. The girl was somewhat romantic, and when the ceremony had been performed and the telegram sent apprising her parents of what had taken place, she looked soulfully up into the eyes of her husband and said, "Dear, we have added a leaf to our book of life to-day, haven't we?"
"Yes," replied the happy groom, "I guess it must be the fly-leaf."
A POWERFUL REMEDY
One day, while running a fox, Major ---- was violently thrown and rendered insensible. Until a doctor could be procured, his old colored servant was asked to care for him. When the doctor arrived, he found the major quietly smoking on his veranda, and was curious to know what medicine had effected such miraculous results. Uncle John, being questioned, explained his mode of treatment as follows:
"Massa bus' his insides an' I give him allum an' rozum."
"What for?" asked the astonished physician.
"De allum to draw de parts togidder an' de rozum to sodder dem."
DAMAGES ENOUGH
An old colored woman was seriously injured in a railway accident. One and all her friends urged the necessity of suing the wealthy railroad corporation for damages.
"I 'clar' to gracious," she scornfully replied to their advice, "ef dis ole nigga ain't done git more'n nuff o' damages! What I'se wantin' now and what I'se done gwine to sue dat company foh is repairs."
COALS TO NEWCASTLE
A benevolent old gentleman one day saw a rural-looking man sitting on a stone wall swinging his legs and gazing earnestly at the telegraph wires. Going over to the yokel he said:
"Waiting to see a message go 'long, eh?"
The man grinned and said, "Ay."
The benevolent old gentleman got on the wall and for the next quarter of an hour tried hard to dispel his ignorance.
"Now," he said at last, "as you know something about the matter, I hope you will spread your knowledge among your mates on the farm."
"But I don't work on a farm," replied the rural citizen.
"Where, then, may I ask?"
"Me and my mates are telegraph linesmen and we are testing a new wire."
KNEW HOW TO GET IT
A prominent New Yorker has a wife who is a model of all the domestic virtues. Among her accomplishments is a talent for bread-making and she naturally takes great pride in having her loaves turn out well. One evening after setting her bread as usual, her eight-year-old son came running up-stairs crying, "Mamma, mamma, a mouse has jumped into your bread pan!"
The good woman was much perturbed. "Did you take him out?" she asked.
"No'm, but I did just as well. I threw the cat in, an' she's diggin' after him to beat the band!"
STILL LOST
Sir C. Purdon Clarke, during his New York visit, often went to the Metropolitan Museum unaccompanied, and walked homeward through Central Park. One afternoon, near the Obelisk, he saw a scantily clad woman crying, and spoke to her.
"I want to go to the Brooklyn bridge," she explained, "and I've lost my way."
Unaccustomed to New York street mendicants, the London art enthusiast supplied sympathy, directions as to route, and a liberal allowance of car fare. Three days afterward he was stopped by the same woman, who again wanted to go to the Brooklyn bridge.
"Goodness gracious!" exclaimed Sir Purdon, "haven't you got to the bridge yet?"
A STORY OF LLOYD OSBORNE
Lloyd Osborne, kinsman and collaborator of Robert Louis Stevenson, called on the cashier of a leading magazine one day, after vainly writing several times for a check due him.
"I am sorry," explained the cashier, "but Colonel So-and-So who always signs our checks, is confined at home with the gout."
"But, my dear man," expostulated the author-collector, "does he sign them with his feet?"
DIDN'T MIND
"I suppose, Jerry," said the eminent statesman, looking through his pocket-book for a new dollar bill, "like a lot of other folks nowadays, you would rather have clean money?"
"Oh, that's all right, Senator," said the cabman. "I don't care how you made your money."
NOT UP-TO-DATE
Thomas A. Edison is very fond of children. While on a visit recently he was endeavoring to amuse the son of the host, when the youngster asked him to draw an engine. Mr. Edison promptly set to work, and, thinking it would please the child, he added a couple of extra smokestacks and several imaginary parts. When the plan was completed the boy eyed it critically; then he turned to the inventor with disapproval in every feature.
"You don't know much about engines, do you?" he said with infantile frankness. "Engines may have been that way in your time, but they've changed a whole lot since then."
LION AT LARGE
At a certain school, in the "jograffy" class, the teacher had been at great pains to define and impress upon the children the meaning of the word "equator," defined as "an imaginary line which surrounds the world." When by repetition they were thought to have it letter perfect, she complimented them and told them to repeat it at home, and surprise their parents with the extent of their knowledge.
"Uncle, have you ever seen a quator?" said one little tot.
"No, my dear, I don't even know what it is."
"Why, it's a menagerie lion that runs round the world."
CHARACTERISTIC PORTRAITURE
A young man in a New England town started in the livery business, and one of the first things he did was to have a sign painted representing himself holding a mule by the bridle. He was particularly proud of this stroke of business enterprise, and asked of his wife:
"Is that not a good likeness of me?"
"Yes," she replied, "it is a perfect picture of you; but who is the fellow holding the bridle?"
INNOCENCE ABROAD
An old Southern darky was sent for the first time to the post-office to mail four letters, and was told to buy stamps for them.
"Boss," he said, looking in through the stamp window, "how much do it tek ter sen' fo' letters for Massa Johnson?"
"Eight cents," replied the clerk, from within the window.
"Dat so?" interjected the negro.
"Yes, uncle."
The old darky took out a leather bag and worried from it eight coppers. Laying these on the counter, he said:
"Well, yo' c'n let 'em go 'long."
"But where are the letters?" asked the clerk.
"Whar is day? Why, I done drapt 'em in de hole 'roun' yonder."
DOUBTS
There was a darky in southern Tennessee named Eph. Friday, who died a short time ago. Eph. was neither a member of a church nor of a lodge and thus had no one to deliver an address or prayer at his burial. At last an old uncle consented to say a few remarks for the departed soul. As the coffin was being lowered into the grave the old uncle said to the assembled mourners:
"Eph. Friday, we trusts you hab gone to de place whar we spects you ain't."
FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS
An army officer, in his expense list on Government service, put down:
"Porter, ten cents."
The officer was requested to report to the War Office, where he was told:
"While executing public duty refreshments are not chargeable to the nation."
"The item does not represent refreshments," replied the officer, "but a fee to a carrier."
"You should have said 'porterage,'" was then explained to him.
When the officer had occasion to take a hansom, remembering instructions, he wrote in his accounts:
"Cabbage, fifty cents."
A CHEERFUL GIVER
Bobby's father had given him a ten-cent piece and a quarter of a dollar, telling him he might put one or the other on the contribution plate.
"Which did you give, Bobby?" his father asked when the boy came home from church.
"Well, father, I thought at first I ought to put in the quarter," said Bobby, "but then just in time I remembered 'The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could give the ten-cent piece a great deal more cheerfully, so I put that in."
INHERITED
Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his teachers. Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted out were tried without any apparent effect upon the boy, until at last the head master decided to mention the lad's faults upon his monthly report.
So the next report to his father had these words:
"Vincent talks a great deal."
Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in red ink under the comment:
"You ought to hear his mother."
AN EXAMPLE
The teacher was explaining to her scholars the meaning of the word "transparent." "Anything," she said, "is called transparent that can be seen through. Now, Willie, can you give me an example?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the boy. "A hole in the fence at the baseball grounds."
POINT OF VIEW
A Wilkesbarre woman recently engaged as nurse a Scotch girl just come to this country.
It appears that one Sunday the lady induced the nurse, who is the strictest sort of Presbyterian, to attend a beautiful church just erected in Wilkesbarre.
When the girl returned her mistress asked her if she hadn't found the church a fine one.
"Yes, ma'am," responded the girl, "it is very beautiful."
"And the singing," said the lady, "wasn't that lovely?"
"Oh, yes," replied the nurse, "it was very lovely, ma'am, but don't you think it's an awful way to spend the Sabbath?"
PAY INCREASED TO $4 RIGHT AWAY
The boss was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The new office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The surprised boss opened it and read:
"Honored Sir--Yer pants is ripped."
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
"Why, Mabel," said a mother to her four-year-old daughter, "you've got one of your stockings on wrong side out."
"I put it on that way," explained the little miss, "'cause there's a hole on the other side."
FOR ALL POSSIBLE EMERGENCIES
"This is glorious!" exclaimed the fair maid, as the automobile struck a smooth stretch of country road, and the young man let the machine go at full speed. "But who are those two men that have been following us in a runabout all morning?"
"Never mind them," he replied. "One is the repair man, and the other's the surgeon."
TIME FOR CHANGE
Not long ago three scientific gentlemen from an Eastern institution visited a certain Montana mine. One of the men was evidently of a most nervous temperament, and on the ascent, by means of the usual bucket, he thought he perceived signs of weakness in the rope by which the bucket was suspended.
"How often," inquired he of the attendant, when the party was about half-way up, "how often do you change these ropes?"
"Oh, about every three months," carelessly replied the attendant. Then he added thoughtfully, "We'll change this one to-morrow, if we get up safely."
INCOME DWINDLED
An old negro who had been working for a cotton planter for many years, came to his employer and said:
"I'se gwine to quit, boss."
"What's the matter, Mose?"
"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Wintah, ain't kicked me in de las' free mumfs."
"I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything like that around my place."
"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se gwine to quit. Every time Mistah Wintah used to kick and cuff me when he done git mad, he always git 'shamed of hisse'f and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money a'ready wid dis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' mah feelin's."
GETTING EVEN
A young bride was recently invited to a bridge luncheon, and after spending a delightful afternoon was told by her hostess that she was in debt to the amount of seventy-five dollars.
Mrs. ----, unaware that she had been playing for money, mournfully confided her woes to her husband, and he immediately wrote a check for seventy-six dollars and fifty cents and sent it to the hostess.
The hostess, believing that a mistake had been made, informed him that he had sent a dollar and a half too much. Mr. ----, however, returned it with the curt statement that the seventy-five dollars settled the bridge score, and the balance was for his wife's luncheon.
CHARGED THE JURY
By some peculiar election twist, an old negro was elected a justice of the peace in the backwoods of Georgia.
His first case happened to be one in which the defendant asked for a trial by jury. When the testimony was all in and the argument had been concluded, the justice seemed somewhat embarrassed. Finally one of the lawyers whispered to him that it was time to charge the jury. Looking at the jury with a grim, judicial air, the judge said:
"Gentlemen ob de jury, sense dis is a very small case, I'll jes' charge y'all a dollar an' a ha'f a-piece."
SHOULD BE FAMILIAR
General Horace Porter told the following:
"In the mountains of New Hampshire I met one of the colored troops, who was still fighting nobly, driving a stage on a county route, and asked him, 'What is your name?'
"'George Washington, sah.'
"I said: 'That is a name that is well known to everybody in this country.'
"'I reckon, sah, it ought to be. I'se been drivin' heah evah since da wah.'"
HE COULD CURE IT
Dr. William Osler, of Johns Hopkins and Oxford, tells this story:
An old darky quack, well known in a certain section of the South, was passing the house of a planter whose wife was reported to be dangerously ill. Stopping at the gate he called to one of the hands:
"I say, Rastus, how's the missus?"
"Well," replied Rastus, "the doctah done say dis mawnin' dat she convalescent."
"Humph! Dat ain't nothin', chile," said the old quack, with an air of superior wisdom. "Why, I've done cured convalescence in twenty-foah hours!"
THE NEW NATURAL HISTORY
A hard-working fancy dealer had ransacked the whole shop in his efforts to please an old lady who wanted to purchase a present--"anything real nice"--for her granddaughter. For the fifteenth time she picked up and critically examined a neat little satchel.
"Are you quite sure that this is genuine alligator skin?" she inquired.
"Positive, madam," quoth the dealer. "I shot that alligator myself."
"It looks rather soiled," said the lady.
"That, madam, is where it struck the ground when it tumbled off the tree."
DURABILITY WANTED
A New York editor tells a story of a man who was the father of twelve children, all of whom had been rocked to sleep by the same toe and in the same cradle. The toe stood it all right, but the cradle had begun to show signs of wear toward the end of the rocking period of the twelfth.
"John," said the wife one day, looking fondly at the cradle at her side, "this old cradle has done good service, but it is about worn out. I am afraid it is nearly gone!"
"That's right," assented the husband. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a ten dollar bill. "Here you are. Next time you go to the city get a new one. Get a good one this time; one that'll last."
MEN NOT EQUAL
Some years ago the Chief Justice of the United States found that the tire of one of his wheels was loose and kept slipping off. Coming to a little stream he drove into it and got one little section of the wheel wet; then drove out and backed his horse, and the same part of the wheel went into the water again. Thus he kept going backward and forward, all the time wetting the same part of the wheel.
A negro saw the situation and told the justice to back into the water again. He did so, and the negro took hold of the spokes of the wheel and, turning it slowly, soon had it wet all around.
"Why, I never thought of that," cried the chief justice.
"Well," replied the darky, "some men just nat'ly have more sense than others."
CRUELTY OF SCIENCE
A little boy was once given two images of plaster, coated on the outside with pink sugar. He wanted to eat the images, but he was warned on no account to do so.
"They are poison," he was told. "If you eat them, it will kill you."
However, the boy was dubious. He been cheated before this by grown-up people. Finally he had a young friend to spend the day with him, and that night it was discovered that one of the images had disappeared. His mother, nearly frantic, rushed to him.
"Harold," she said, "where is that pink image?"
Harold frowned, as he answered defiantly: "I gave it to Richard, and if he's alive to-morrow, I'm going to eat the other one myself."
A LITERAL SCHOLAR
A professor of the Cornell Law School tells the following story of a student in one of his freshmen classes:
The members of the class had been answering questions in moot-court, and the subject under discussion was a cow which had been killed by a railway train. Each student was required to fill out a paper on the case.
"This brilliant youth," says the professor, "wrote with all seriousness after 'Disposition of the Carcass': 'Mild and gentle.'"
ESTABLISHED HIS IDENTITY
In a Kentucky court room, a prominent lawyer of that state was defending a prisoner charged with horse stealing, and a witness was swearing as to the identity of the stolen horse.
"How do you know this is the same horse?" asked the lawyer.
"Why, I just know it is," said the witness.
"Well, how?" again asked the man of law.
"I can't tell exactly how; but I know it is as well as I know that you are General H----."
"Well, how do you know that I am General H----?"
"Because just before dinner I heard Mr. C---- say, 'General H----, let's go and take a drink, and you went."
WAS REMARKED BEFORE
A certain good clergyman was once riding in a city street-car, and when passing a large and very handsome church a fellow-passenger turned to him and said:
"If these Christians would stop building fine churches and give the money to the poor, it would be more to their credit."
"I've heard that remark before," was the quiet rejoinder.
"Indeed! and by whom, may I ask?"
"Judas Iscariot!" was the crushing answer.
A NOVEL PULPIT