Roper.
Picking upVon Rettenmayer’scard.Besides, the Baron’s sweet on Enid just now; I’m sure he’d prefer—They exchange the cards and rearrange them.thanks, ol’ man. Sorry I was shirty.
Cooling.
Laying down his plan and cards and producing a letter from his breast-pocket.By-the-bye, the fair Lily—the heroine of the party, as you call her—is in a pretty tantrum over the whole business.
Roper.
Tantrum?
Cooling.
Unfolding the letter.Had this from her ten minutes ago. Listen tothis.Reading.“My Dressing-room. 11-15. 80 degrees, with the windows open.”In an injured tone.Haw, so I should think!
Roper.
Concerned.What’s amiss?
Cooling.
Reading.“Morrie, you pig.”Roperwhistles.“Morrie, you pig. I should feel deeply indebted to you if you would kindly inform me why the devil you went out of your way to deceive me last night. You led me to suppose—and so did that lying worm Lal Roper——”looking atRoperYou.
Roper.
Oh, lord!
Cooling.
Resuming.“—that lying worm Lal Roper——”
Roper.
Testily.All right, all right.
Cooling.
“—you both led me to suppose that this rotten banquet was to be a family gathering of the ladies and gentlemen of the Pandora Theatre, and no outsiders asked. Now I find that only three or four of the men of the Company are invited, and I hear from Nita Trevenna, who has got it from young Kennedy, that several of the Boys are to be laid on for the occasion. The result is you have made me tell a regular whopper to a particular friend of mine with regard to this affair——”
Roper.
Passing his hand over his brow.Nicko Jeyes.
Cooling.
“—which I will never forgive you for, Morris Cooling—neither you nor Lal Roper. As true as I am alive, I have a jolly good mind not to show, but to put on my old rags and go straight home. You are two cads. So take it out of that and believe me, Always yours affectionately, Lil.”
Roper.
Walking about.Well, I’m blessed!
Cooling.
Returning the letter to his pocket.Haw! Tasty document!
Roper.
Lying worm and a cad! And from Miss Lily Margaret Upjohn!ToCooling.Done anything about it?
Cooling.
No; waited for you.Going on with his arrangements at the tables.You’reresponsible. WhatIdid last night was simply to oblige a pal.
Roper.
Irresolutely.I’d better run round to her, and try to smooth her down, hadn’t I?
Cooling.
Perhaps youhad.Placing a card.Mr. Stewart Heneage.ToRoper.Why you wanted to mislead the girl I can’t understand.
Roper.
Damn it, you agreed that that sulky brute Jeyes ’ud be a wet blanket! You blow hot and cold, you do!
Cooling.
There you go! More filthy temper!
Roper.
If ever I assist in getting up another party——!As he reaches the door on the left, he encountersCarlton Smythe, who is entering at that moment, and puts on his humourous manner.Hul-lo! Here we are again! All change for Oxford Circus!
Smythe.
A bulky, sleepy-looking man with grey hair, a darker moustache and beard, and a heavy, rolling gait.Ha, Lal!
Roper.
I’m just going to have a word with Lil Parradell.
He disappears andSmytheadvances.
Cooling.
ApproachingSmythe.How are you to-night, Chief?
Smythe.
A silk hat on the back of his head, an overcoat on his arm—regarding the preparations with disgust.Puh! Here’s a muck and a muddle!
Cooling.
Don’t worry; we’ll clear it away in no time. Shall I tell you who are coming?
Smythe.
No; I shall know soon enough. What was the house to-night?
Cooling.
Producing a long slip of paper and handing it toSmythe.Big.Smythescans the paper through half-closed lids and gives a growl of contentment.Haw! And the weather dead against us.
Smythe.
Screwing up the paper, and cramming it into his waistcoat-pocket.There’s no bad weather for a good play.Looking at his hands.I’ll go and have a wash and brush up.Luigireturns, entering at the door on the left, and goes behind the counter. The waiters follow him, carrying some melons lying upon ice in plated dishes. They deposit the dishes upon the counter andLuigiproceeds to cut the melon into slices.Coolingresumes, at a table on the left, the placing of the cards. AsSmytheis moving towards the right-hand door at the back,Stewart HeneageandGerald Grimwood—two exquisitely dressed youths with blank faces—enter from the landing.Smytheshakes hands with them.Ha, Mr. Heneage! Ha, Mr. Grimwood!HeneageandGrimwoodmurmur some polite expressions.Excuse me; I’m just going to wash my hands.De Castroenters, also at the double-door, andSmytheshakes hands with him.HeneageandGrimwooddrift over toCooling, who hails them warmly.How do, Sam! Back in a moment; just going to wash my hands.
De Castro.
Detaining him.I thay, Carlton.
Smythe.
Eh?
De Castro.
Lowering his voice.I’ve been in front again to-night. Magnifithent! Marvellouth!
Smythe.
Resignedly.It’ll do; I shall get a couple o’ years out of it.
De Castro.
There’th juthtonelittle improvement I’d like to thee, if I may thuggetht it.
Smythe.
What’s that?
De Castro.
Linking his arm inSmythe’s.You’re thure you won’t conthider me prethumptuouth?
Smythe.
Of course not; very kind of yer.
De Castro.
InSmythe’sear.If youcouldgive Gabth—Mith Kato—a tiny bit more to do in the thecond act——!
Smythe.
Nodding.Ah, yes, yes.
De Castro.
She’th a little lump o’ talent, that gal, if you only realithed it; a perfect little lump o’ talent.
Smythe.
Trying to escape.Er—I’ll think it over.
De Castro.
Will yer! An extra thong! That’th all it need be—an extra thong! Oh, it would bethuchan improvement!Von Rettenmayerenters at the double-door. The waiters now go to the tables and lay a plate with a slice of melon upon it at each cover.Here’th the Baron. We’ve been thitting together to-night, I and the Baron.WringingSmythe’shand.Thankth.JoiningCoolingand the others on the left asSmythegreetsVon Rettenmayer.Hullo, Morrith!Shaking hands withHeneageandGrimwood.Well, boyth!
Smythe.
Shaking hands withVon Rettenmayer.Glad to see yer, Baron.
Von Rettenmayer.
Zo good of you to haf me.
Smythe.
Excuse me; I’m just going to wash my hands.
Von Rettenmayer.
Detaining him.Bardon me—one moment——
Smythe.
Eh?
Von Rettenmayer.
Dropping his voice.May I dake the liberdy ofindulging in a liddle griticism on your eggcellent blay?
Smythe.
Certainly.
Von Rettenmayer.
DrawingSmytheaway from the tables.Gome here.His mouth close toSmythe’sear.The zecond aggd!
Smythe.
Second act; what’s the matter with it?
Von Rettenmayer.
The pard where the gharming Miss Barradell is ghanging her gostume——
Smythe.
Yes?
Von Rettenmayer.
That is where the biece reguires lifding—with a gesturelifding.
Smythe.
Lifting?
Von Rettenmayer.
Mr. Davish—Mr. Balk—eggsdremely glever;slipping his arm throughSmythe’sbut if you could zee your way glear to gif Enid—Miss Mongreiff—anoder dance——
Smythe.
Nodding.Ah, h’m, h’m.
Von Rettenmayer.
It would remove the zolitary imberfection.
Smythe.
Er—I’ll think it over.Releasing himself.I’m just going to wash my hands. We’ll talk about it later.
Von Rettenmayer.
Schoensten Dank.Going to the men on the left.Aha, Mr. Gooling! My dear Steward—my dear Jerry——!
AsSmytheis again making for the door on the left,Mrs. Stidulphenters from the landing withColonel Stidulph.
Smythe.
ToMrs. Stidulph.Ha, Dolly!Kissing her.How are you, my dear?
Mrs. Stidulph.
A mature but still beautiful woman, gorgeously dressed and wearing showy jewels—with a lofty air.How are you, Carlton?
Smythe.
ToStidulph.How d’ye do, Arthur? Delighted to see yer.
Mrs. Stidulph.
Lucky I’m able to come to you to-night. It’s so difficult to catch me in the season.
Smythe.
Been in front?
Mrs. Stidulph.
M’yes;in a tone of boredomoh, yes.
Smythe.
What, don’t you like it?
Mrs. Stidulph.
Oh, I don’t say Idislike it;shrugging her shouldersbut one can’t forget what oneusedto do here in the old days.
Stidulph.
An elderly, distinguished-looking man with a meek voice and a courteous but rather nervous manner.I’ve had a most enjoyable evening, Carlton. So bright; so very bright!
Mrs. Stidulph.
ToStidulph, sneeringly.Oh, anything pleasesyou;you’dlaugh at Punch and Judy.
Smythe.
I’m just running away to wash my hands.Looking towards the men on the left.You know Von Rettenmayer?
Mrs. Stidulph.
Know him! Why, he was about in my time!Crossing toVon Rettenmayer, followed byStidulph.Karl!
Von Rettenmayer.
My dear lady!Kissing her hand perfunctorily.What bliss!Shaking hands withStidulph.Golonel!
Mrs. Stidulph.
Shaking hands withde Castro.How are you, Sam?
De Castro.
Ah, Dolly!ToStidulph.Hullo, Arthur!
Cooling.
PresentingHeneageandGrimwoodto theStidulphs.Mr. Stewart Heneage—Mr. Gerald Grimwood——
As theStidulphsleaveSmythe,Herbert Fulkersonenters from the landing withFarncombe. In dumb-show,SmytheandFulkersongreet each other and thenFulkersonintroducesFarncombe.
Smythe.
Shaking hands withFarncombe.Glad to make your acquaintance.
Farncombe.
Glad to makeyours, Mr. Smythe—and in such circumstances!
Fulkerson.
A white-faced young man with red eyes and of dissipated appearance—espyingMrs. Stidulph.By Jove, if it isn’t Dolly Ensor!Hurrying toMrs. Stidulph.What cheer, Dolly!
Mrs. Stidulph.
Coldly.How do you do, Mr. Fulkerson?
Fulkerson.
Slightly abashed.Oh, I—I’m pretty middlin’, thanks; hope you’re the same.Nodding toStidulph.Evenin’, Arthur.
Vincent Blandhas sauntered in at the door on the left and now joins the group surrounding theStidulphs.
Bland.
Nodding toHeneageandGrimwood.H’lo, Stewart! H’lo, Jerry!Coming to theStidulphs.Dolly——Colonel——
Smythe.
ToFarncombe.I’ll be back in a minute or two; I’m just going to wash my hands.
Fulkerson.
Calling toFarncombe.Hi! Eddie!
Farncombecrosses toFulkersonand is presented by him to theStidulphs.Gabrielle Katoenters at the right-hand door at the back, meetingSmytheas he is going out. The waiters have finished setting the plates of melon upon the tables and now withdraw, carrying the plated dishes and preceded byLuigi, at the door on the left.
Smythe.
ToGabrielle.Ha, Gabby, my dear! Quite well, eh?
Gabrielle.
A pretty young woman with a fretful little face expressive of extreme dissatisfaction with the world—looking atSmythespiritlessly.Thisisa treat. Why, you haven’t been to see us for ages.
Smythe.
Cunningly.I see you all far oftener than you suspect.
Gabrielle.
Do you? Thatissly of you.
Smythe.
Leaving her.I’m just going to have a wash and brush up.
Gabrielle.
Really? Oh, youarefull of news.
He departs asde CastroapproachesGabrielle.
De Castro.
In a low voice.Hullo, Gabth! How are you to-night?
Gabrielle.
Oh, I’m all right, I s’pose. Isn’t it hot?
De Castro.
Not at his ease with her.Itithinclined that way.
Daphne Dure,Nita Trevenna,Douglas Glynn, andAlbert Palkenter at the door on the left.Nitais a tall, handsome girl,Daphnea plump, little, fair, baby-faced thing. They are charmingly dressed, as are all the ladies of the Pandora Theatre.GlynnandPalk—the latter a short, thick-set man who might reasonably be a low comedian—are two professional-looking gentlemen of the best class. The arrivals are warmly hailed byFulkerson,Von Rettenmayer,Heneage, andGrimwoodand, with more reserve, byMrs. Stidulph.Stidulphhas seated himself wearily in thearmchairon the nearer side of the fireplace and, beyond listening toBlandwho is talking to him, has withdrawn himself from the proceedings.
Fulkerson.
ToFarncombe.Here’s Daphne Dure—and Nita Trevenna.Going to the new comers.Hullo, Daphne! Hullo, Nita! How’r’yer, Douglas! Hullo, Albert!
Daphne and Nita.
How d’ye do, Bertie?ToVon Rettenmayer.How d’ye do, Von?
Von Rettenmayer.
Kissing their hands.Dear ladies!ToGlynnandPalk.Aha, Mr. Glynn—Mr. Balk—!
Daphne and Nita.
ToHeneageandGrimwood.How d’ye do, Stewie? How d’ye do, Jerry?ToMrs. Stidulph.Oh, Dolly! That you, Dolly?
Mrs. Stidulph.
Well, girls!
Fulkerson.
Here! I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Dure—Miss Trevenna—Lord Farncombe. Douglas—Albert—Lord Farncombe.
Nita.
Pouncing upon Cooling.I say, Morris!
Cooling.
What is it, my dear?
Nita.
Is it true that little Kennedy’s met with an accident?
Cooling.
Yes; can’t join us.
Fulkerson.
The Dwarf! What’s happened?
Cooling.
Ran his car into a ’bus, just outside the theatre.
Nita.
Oh!
Cooling.
Pitched himself forward on to his head.
Nita.
His head!
Daphne.
With a simper.Don’t be anxious, Nita; there’s nothing to hurtthere.
Von Rettenmayer.
Poor Dwarf!
Gabrielleandde Castronow move over to the others.
Fulkerson.
Hullo, Gabs! Hullo, Sam!
Gabrielle.
Ah, Bertie!
Von Rettenmayer.
KissingGabrielle’shand.Gabrielle!
Gabrielle.
Ah, Von!ToHeneageandGrimwood.Ah, boys!ToMrs. Stidulph.How’r’you?
De Castro.
Shaking hands.Daphne—Nita—Douglath—Albert—!
Fulkerson.
I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Kato—Lord Farncombe——
A band of musicians have mustered upon the landing and there is the sound of the tuning of instruments.
Cooling.
Hurrying across to the double-door.No, no; no music yet. Wait for Miss Parradell!As he reaches the double-door,Roperenters quickly at the right-hand door at the back and seizes his arm.Eh?
Roper.
ToCooling.It’s all right; she’ll be round in a minute.
Cooling.
Amiable?
Roper.
Angelic. She’s wearing a new dress, and that’s taken her mind off it.
Cooling.
Her bark’s always worse than her bite. I knew it ’ud blow over.
Roper.
Formidably.Oh, but I have given her such a talking to!Coolingpasses through the double-door, and instructs the leader of the band, whileRoperbustles over to the throng on the left.Hul-lo!Imitating a street news-vendor.Speshul edishun, cricket, py-per!Shaking hands all round.Dolly—Nita—Gabs—Daphne! Douglas—Albert! Ah, here you are, Farncombe!DiscoveringStidulph.Hul-lo, Colonel! Results, py-per, extry speshul!
Enid Moncreiff,Wilfrid Tavish, andSigismund Shirleyenter at the right-hand door at the back.Enidis a long, spare-figured girl with the lissom walk of a dancer;TavishandShirleyare tall, clean-shaven men of gentlemanlike appearance.Von Rettenmayermakes forEnideagerly and is followed, at a more moderate pace, byHeneage, Grimwood, andde Castro, and byFulkersonbringingFarncombe.
Von Rettenmayer.
Miss Mongreiff!KissingEnid’shand with fervour.Your dancing was more zurprizing to-night than ever.ToTavishandShirley.Aha, my friends!
Enid.
Shaking hands withHeneage,Grimwood, andde Castro.Well, Stew! How are you, Jerry! Sam!
Fulkerson.
I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Moncreiff—Lord Farncombe.
Roper.
Hurrying across.Hul-lo, here’s Enid!
De Castro.
Shaking hands withTavishandShirley.Piethe went thplendidly thith evenin’, didn’t it?
Fulkerson.
Shaking hands withTavishandShirley.I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Mr. Tavish—Mr. Shirley—Lord Farncombe.
Enid.
Coming forward to greetMrs. Stidulphwho advances to her.Dolly dear!
Mrs. Stidulph.
EmbracingEnid.Enid darling! Good gracious, you’re becoming an absolute skeleton!
Enid.
Indeed? Well, no one can say that ofyou.
Mrs. Stidulph.
Itisa pleasure, meeting all you girlsto-night. Of course, one can’t help seeingchanges.
Enid.
Icily.Ah, it must be a pleasure,that.
Mrs. Stidulph.
I’m going to scold dear old Carlton by-and-by. He never gavemea birthday-party when I was with him.
Enid.
No; and you had so many birthdays here, hadn’t you?
Coolingreturns, entering from the landing, and,after looking at the assembly, goes out at the right-hand door at the back. At the same moment,Flo Connify,Sybil Dermott,Olga Cook, andEvangeline Ventris—four statuesque beauties with impassive faces—enter at the door on the left.Olgais in a dark gown andEvangelineis wearing a rather elaborate head-dress. Instantly there is a movement in the direction of the new arrivals on the part ofRoper,Heneage, andGrimwood. De CastroandFulkersonfollow,Fulkersonstill leadingFarncombeabout with him.Mrs. Stidulphturns fromEniddisdainfully and joinsNitaandDaphneat the fireplace.TavishandShirleyalso move to the left, where they come uponStidulphand shake hands with him, whileVon RettenmayerandEnid, the latter flushed with victory, seat themselves upon the settee on the right.
Roper.
Hastening to the beauties.Hul-lo! Show your tickets, please! Room inside for four!Shaking hands.How are you, Flo! How are you, Sybil! How are you, Olga! Isay, look at ’Vangy!
The Four Beauties.
As the men shake hands with them, mechanically.How d’ye do? How d’ye do? How d’ye do? How d’ye do?
Fulkerson.
Here! I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Connify—Lord Farncombe. Miss Dermott—Miss Cook—Miss ’Vangy Ventris—Lord Farncombe.
The Four Beauties.
As before.How d’ye do? How d’ye do? How d’ye do? How d’ye do?
Coolinghurries back.
Cooling.
To everybody.Miss Parradell!Opening the double-door and signalling to the leader of the band.Now!
The band strikes up the air of “Mind the Paint” asLilyenters at the right-hand door at the back withJimmie Birch.Lilyis dressed in white, and altogether fulfils exteriorlyRoper’sdescription of “angelic.” She carries a large bouquet of lilies and pale roses with a broad ribbon flowing from it. All the men butFarncombe, who holds aloof, press round her,Stidulphrising and joining them. The ladies follow.
The Men.
Struggling for her hand.Many happy returns of day! Many happy returns of the day! Many happy returns of the day!
Jimmie.
Battling with the men.Keep away from her! Bertie, you’re on her frock! Mind her frock!
Roper.
Mind the paint!
Some of the Men.
Ha, ha, ha!
Lily.
Holding her bouquet above her head.My roses! Be careful of me, boys! One at a time!
The Men.
Many happy returns of the day!
Lily.
I want to kiss the girls. Girls——!
The men make way for the ladies who come toLily.
The Ladies.
Many happy returns of the day!
Lily.
Embracing them.Sybil—Nita—! Oh, Mrs. Stidulph!—Enid—Daphne—Gabs—Flo dear—Olga—’Vangy——!
Palk.
Suddenly.Here’s the guv’nor!
Smytheenters at the door on the left.Luigiand the waiters are behind him, the waiters carrying trays on which are sugar-casters and dishes of powdered ginger. At once there is a movement towardsSmytheof everybody except those who have alreadygreeted him, andLilywho is detained byRoperand others.
Tavish.
How are you, guv’nor?
Some of the Ladies.
How d’ye do, Mr. Smythe?
Other Ladies.
Hustling him.How are you, Carlton?
Smythe.
In the midst of them all.Girls, girls! I’ll shake hands with you all in turn, girls.
Enid.
Thought you were dead.
Daphne.
Yes; look at Olga—she’s in deep mourning.
Some of the Ladies.
Ha, ha, ha!
Smythe.
Shaking hands.Don’t, girls, don’t; you’re smothering me.
Lily.
During a momentary lull, findingFarncombestanding before her and raising her eyebrows.You!Giving him her hand carelessly.Oh, it isn’t long before we meet again, is it?
Smythe.
Puffing and blowing.That’s the lot of yer. Phew! Where’s Lily? Lily here?The crowd divides, to allow him to advance. SeeingLily, he opens his arms and she goes to him and lays her head upon his breast.Lil—patting her shouldersmy dear!
Lily.
Half gaily, half tearfully.Ha, ha, ha! Carlton!
Smythe.
Go’blessyer!In another tone.Well, what about something to eat!
Luigi.
Ready, Mr. Smythe.Loudly.Ladies and gentlemen, supper is ready!
Smythe.
Ha!
Cooling.
At the principal table.Here you are, Chief! Miss Parradell!
Smythe.
ToLily.Come along!
There is a general hunt for places and much hubbub and confusion.
Cooling.
Calling toRoper.Lal, that’s your table.