Chap. xxii.: A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES
'Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers, and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also, yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more his envy of young Herzbruder increased--who was ever of a lively humour--the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost: whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel's lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening feast spread in wellnigh princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For when all was over my colonel's great silver-gilt cup was missing; and this loss he made the more ado about because 'twas still there after all stranger guests had departed: 'tis true a page said he had last seen it in Oliver's hands, but would not swear it. Upon that the Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter, and 'twas said aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom, even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would not willingly bring to shame.
So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into the colonel's great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the matter. At that each looked on his neighbour, and desired to know how 'twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man's breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that 'twas a right merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies that I must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang out of young Herzbruder's pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it turned into my colonel's cup.
Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup: so said the colonel to him: "Lookye, unthankful guest, have I deserved this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;" said he, "out of my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more."
So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to answer for this sinful son." Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any honourable fashion do so.
Chap. xxiii.: HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS
Now as soon as young Herzbruder's captain heard this story he took from him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged easily from the circumstances that Oliver had laid this trap for his son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live, but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep. At last 'twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats that I had sewn up in my ass's ears, and so asked how much money they wanted in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, "If there came one and brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my troubles." I answered him, "Brother, if that will help thee, have a good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats." "Alas, brother," says he, "what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so wanton that thou makest jests upon us in our sore affliction?" "Nay, nay," said I, "I will provide the money." So I stripped off my coat and took one of the asses' ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him to count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, "Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it."
Thereupon they both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder's co-heir together with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all which I would have nothing, but only commended myself to their perpetual friendship. After that, young Herzbruder would have sworn to be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at the hands of me, Simplicissimus. "Yet," said he, "I am well assured that ye two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in fight." Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits.
But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers (for which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the meanwhile.
Chap. xxiv.: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE
Now none of my colonel's people shewed himself better fitted to wait on old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the colonel's wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good nursing, and being relieved in respect of his son, he grew better from day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past. Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day.
My colonel's wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp, for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered; and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits, he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, for he feared I might find my destruction therein.
When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me, and also the orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day, most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay and prayed without ceasing: but as 'twas near to afternoon there came a lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the colonel's master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as soon as he saw mine old friend, "I ask his honour's pardon," says he, "for the freedom I have taken, to speak a word with him." "Tis well," says Herzbruder, "wherein can I pleasure his honour?" "Only in this," says the lieutenant, "that I could beg of his honour that he would condescend upon the casting of my nativity." Then the old man answered: "I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full satisfaction." "Very well," says the lieutenant, "but in the meantime let your honour tell my fortune by my hand." "Sir," said old Herzbruder, "that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your worship to spare me in that matter: tomorrow I will do all that your worship asks of me." Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man's eyes, and says he, "Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life's end, with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a warning from God to order my life better; and so for God's sake I beg you not to conceal the truth." Then the honest old man answered him in a word, and says he, "'Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past." "What, thou old rogue," quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, "durst thou hold such language to a gentleman?" and drew his sword and stabbed my good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried "Murder," so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the Elector of Saxony with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to Count Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: "'Twould be bad discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not safe from murderers."
That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life: for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck till he was dead.
Chap. xxv.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE
From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken of. And to the question, whether 'tis necessy, or helpful, and good for a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of them I hold that they be ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help Wallenstein, the Duke of Friedland, that 'twas prophesied to him he should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not all the world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry their brains over such questions: but I must to my story.
So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I took a disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I had been wont to call a town of flax and straw with earthen walls. For now I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool me more, but to be rid of my jester's garb should it cost me life and limb. And that design I carried out but scurvily, for otherwise I had no opportunity.
For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder's death was appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the servants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village, wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers' purpose, and as each went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I stole away, and searched to find some old peasant's clothing for which I could exchange my fool's cap: yet I found not what I desired but must be content with a woman's clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone, and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked across the street, where were certain officers' wives, and made such mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter: yet was I hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and taught me to run faster: for when they cried "Halt, halt;" I ran the quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers' ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by our people.
The captain's wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble and vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain German where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too conscientious, and pretended I understood not, nor would I show any outward indication by which any man might judge me to be aught but a virtuous maiden. Now the captain and his servant lay sick in that same hospital, so he bade his wife to have me better clothed that she might not be put to shame by my miserable peasant's kirtle. So that she did and more than she was bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll, and that did but fan the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea, and it waxed so that master and man begged of me that which I could not grant to them, and that which I refused to the lady, though with all manner of courtesy. At last the captain determined to take an opportunity to get by force from me that which 'twas impossible he should have: but that his wife marked, and being in hopes to overcome my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways and laid all manner of obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must in the end go mad or lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress were asleep, the servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep every night, bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most solemnly for grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone, and gave him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married. Then he offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get from me was an assurance 'twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon he became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if he would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and therefore spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning give him a certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed, but I stayed awake the longer because I reflected on my strange condition: for I could see that in the end my trick must be discovered, for the captain's wife became more and more importunate with her enticements, the captain more impudent in his designs, and the servant more desperate in his constant love: and out of such a labyrinth I could see no escape. Yet if the lady left me in peace, the captain tormented me, and when I had peace from both of them at night, then the servant beset me, so that my women's clothes were worse to wear than my fool's cap. Then indeed (but far too late) I thought of the departed Herzbruder's prophecy and warning, and could imagine nothing else but that I was already fast in the prison he spoke of and in danger of life and limb. For the woman's apparel kept me imprisoned, since I could not get out of it, and the captain would have handled me roughly if he had once found out who I was, and had caught me at the toilet with his fair wife. What should I do? I resolved at length the same night to reveal myself to the servant as soon as 'twas day, for I thought, "his desires will then cease, and if thou art free with thy ducats to him he will help thee to man's clothes again and so out of all thy straits." Which was all well devised enough if luck would have had it so: but that was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just after midnight, and came to get his "Yes" from me, and began to hammer on the carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a little too loud, "Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your promise to me," and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes, for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last the servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either to come out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I rebuked him and asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of yesterday was on condition of marriage, without which he should have nought to do with me. He answered I must in any case rise, for it began to grow light, to prepare the food for the family in good time: then he would fetch wood and water and light the fire for me. "Well," said I, "if thou wilt do that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will soon follow." Yet as the fool would not give over, I got up, more to do my work than to pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of yesterday had left him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for a maid-servant in the field, for with the Croats I had learned how to boil, bake, and wash: as for spinning, soldiers' wives do it not on a campaign. All other women's work which I could not do, such as brushing and braiding hair, my mistress gladly forgave me, for she knew well I had never learned it.
But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the captain, before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer, but sprang with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a thrust: but he ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to me, "Thou whore in grain," says he, "I will teach thee ..." and more he could not say for very rage, but struck at me as if he were mad. But I beginning to cry out, he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp: for both armies, Saxon and Imperialist, lay close together expecting the approach of the Swedes under Banér.
Chap. xxvi.: HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER
As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys, even as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of rascals, and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater and more dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to satisfy their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils' children when a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me not out of his sight, and when he saw 'twould go ill with me would rescue me by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers enough when he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity for him and me, were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they had the better right to me, and would not let such a good prize go, would not have, and went about to repel force with force. So blows beginning to be dealt on both sides, the crowd and the noise became greater and greater till it seemed almost like a tournament in which each did his best for a fair lady's sake. All this terrible hubbub drew the Provost-general to the spot, who came even then when my clothing had been torn from my body and 'twas plain that I was no woman: his coming made all quiet as mice, for he was feared far more than the devil himself; and those that had been at fisticuffs scattered. But he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas I hoped he would save me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was a strange and suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in women's clothes. Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the regiments (which were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to deliver me to the Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but when we were about to pass my colonel's regiment, I was known and accosted and furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given in custody to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot.
It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept, see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also have fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same evening why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental sheriff received orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might the sooner be laid before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted me not only for a spy, but also for one that could use witchcraft; for shortly after I left my colonel certain witches were burnt who confessed before their death that they had seen me at their General Assembly, when they met together to dry up the Elbe, that Magdeburg might be taken the sooner. So the points on which I was to give an answer were these. (1) Whether I had not been a student, or at least could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp at Magdeburg disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain's service I had been as sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women's apparel? (4) Whether I had not been at the witches' dance with other sorcerers? (5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had sojourned before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and to what end I had learned women's work such as washing, baking, cooking, and also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that the circumstances of my strange adventures might explain all; but the judge was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he desired only a round answer to each question; and that I answered in the following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was exact or precise--as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read and write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool's coat because I had no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool's coat and could come at no men's clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will and knew naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my parents were peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a colonel of Croats, Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been forced against my will to learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing at Hanau because I had a liking thereto. So when my deposition was written out, "How canst thou deny," says he, "and say thou hast not studied, seeing that when thou didst pass for a fool, and the priest in the mass said 'Domine non sum dignus,' thou didst answer in Latin that he need not say that, for all knew it."
"Sir," said I, "others taught me that and persuaded me 'twas a prayer that one must use at mass, when our chaplain was saying it." "Yes, yes," said he, "I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue must be loosed by the torture." Whereat I thought, "God help thee if thy tongue follow thy foolish head!"
Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as soon as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must without doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my bonds I thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was dead, how both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of my fool's coat again.
Chap. xxvii.: HOW THE PROVOST FARED IN THE BATTLE OF WITTSTOCK
The same evening, and when we had hardly as yet pitched our tents, I was brought to the Judge-Advocate-General, who had before him my deposition and also writing materials; and he began to examine me more closely. But I, on the other part, told my story even as it had happened to me, yet was not believed, nor could the judge be sure whether he had a fool or a hard-bitten knave before him, so pat did question and answer fall and so strange was the whole history. He bade me take a pen and write, to see what I could do, and moreover to see if my handwriting was known, or if it had any marks in it that a man could recognise. I took pen and paper as handily as one that had been daily used to employ the same, and asked what I should write. The Judge-Advocate-General, who was perhaps vexed because my examination had prolonged itself far into the night, answered me thus: "What!" says he, "write down 'Thy mother the whore.'"
Those words I did write down, and when they were read out they did but make my case worse,[17]for the Advocate-General said he was now well assured that I was a rogue. Then he asked the provost, had they searched me and found any writings upon me? The provost answered him no; for how could they search a man that had been brought to them naked? But it availed nought! The provost must search me in the presence of all, and as he did that diligently (O ill-luck!) there he found my two asses' ears with the ducats in them bound round my arms. Then said they: "What need we any further witness? This traitor hath without doubt undertaken some great plot, for why else should any honest man disguise himself in a fool's raiment, or a man conceal himself in women's garments? And how could any suppose that a man would carry on him so great a quantity of money, unless it were that he intended to do some great deed therewith?" For said they, did he not himself confess he had learned lute-playing under the cunningest soldier in the world, the commandant of Hanau? "Gentlemen," says they, "what think you he did not learn among those sharp-witted Hessians? The shortest way is to have him to the torture and then to the stake: seeing he hath in any case been in the company of sorcerers and therefore deserveth no better."
How I felt at that time any man can judge for himself; for I knew I was innocent and had strong trust in God: yet I could see my danger and lamented the loss of my fair ducats, which the Judge-Advocate-General had put in his own pocket. But before they could proceed to extremities with me Banér's folk fell upon ours: at the first the two armies fought for the best position, and then secondly for the heavy artillery, which our people lost forthwith. Our provost kept pretty far behind the line of battle with his helpers and his prisoners, yet were we so close to our brigade that we could tell each man by his clothing from behind; and when a Swedish squadron attacked ours we were in danger of our lives as much as the fighters, for in a moment the air was so full of singing bullets that it seemed a volley had been fired in our honour. At that the timid ducked their heads, as they would have crept into themselves: but they that had courage and had been present at such sport before let the balls pass over their heads quite unconcerned. In the fighting itself every man sought to prevent his own death with the cutting down of the nearest that encountered him: and the terrible noise of the guns, the rattle of the harness, the crash of the pikes, and the cries both of the wounded and the attackers made up, together with the trumpets, drums and fifes, a horrible music. There could one see nought but thick smoke and dust, which seemed as it would conceal the fearful sight of the wounded and dead: in the midst of it could be heard the pitiful outcries of the dying and the cheers of them that were yet full of spirit: the very horses seemed as if they were more and more vigorous to defend their masters, so furious did they shew themselves in the performance of that duty which they were compelled to do. Some of them one could see falling dead under their masters, full of wounds which they had undeservedly received for the reward of their faithful services: others for the same cause fell upon their riders, and thus in their death had the honour of being borne by those they had in life been forced to bear: others, again, being rid of the valiant burden that had guided them, fled from mankind in their fury and madness, and sought again their first freedom in the open field. The earth, whose custom it is to cover the dead was there itself covered with them, and those variously distinguished: for here lay heads that had lost their natural owners, and there bodies that lacked their heads: some had their bowels hanging out in most ghastly and pitiful fashion, and others had their heads cleft and their brains scattered: there one could see how lifeless bodies were deprived of their blood while the living were covered with the blood of others; here lay arms shot off, on which the fingers still moved, as if they would yet be fighting; and elsewhere rascals were in full flight that had shed no drop of blood: there lay severed legs, which though delivered from the burden of the body, yet were far heavier than they had been before: there could one see crippled soldiers begging for death, and on the contrary others beseeching quarter and the sparing of their lives. In a word, 'twas naught but a miserable and pitiful sight. The Swedish conquerors drove our people from their position, which they had defended with such ill luck, and were scattered everywhere in pursuit. At which turn of things my provost, with us his prisoners, also took to flight, though we had deserved no enmity from the conquerors by reason of our resistance: but while the provost was threatening of us with death and so compelling us to go with him, young Herzbruder galloped up with five other horsemen and saluted him with a pistol and, "Lookye, old dog," says he, "is it the time now to breed young puppies? Now will I pay thee for thy pains."
But the shot harmed the provost as little as if it had struck an anvil. So "Beest thou of that kidney," said Herzbruder, "yet I will not have come to do thee a courtesy in vain: die thou must even if thy soul were grown into thy body." And with that he compelled a musqueteer of the provost's own guard, if he would himself have quarter, to cut him down with an axe. And so that provost got his reward: but I being known by Herzbruder, he bade them free me from my fetters and bonds, set me on a horse, and charged his servant to bring me to a place of safety.
Chap. xxviii.: OF A GREAT BATTLE WHEREIN THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED IN THE HOUR OF TRIUMPH
But even then, while my rescuer's servant conveyed me out of danger, his own master was, by reason of his greed of honour and of gain, carried so far afield that he in his turn was taken prisoner. So when the conquerors were dividing of the spoil and burying their dead, and Herzbruder was a-missing, his captain received as his inheritance me with his servant and his horses: whereby I must submit to be ranked as a horse-boy, and in exchange for that received nought, save only these promises: namely, that if I carried myself well and could grow a little older, he would mount me: that is, make a trooper of me: and with that I must be content.
But presently thereafter my captain was appointed lieutenant-colonel, and I discharged the same office for him that David did for Saul, for when we were in quarters I played the lute for him, and when we were on the march I must wear his cuirass after him, which was a sore burden to me: and although these arms were devised to protect their wearers against the buffets of the enemy, I found it the contrary, for mine own young which I hatched pursued me with the more security under the protection of those same arms: under the breastplate they had their free quarters, pastime, and playground, so that it seemed I wore the harness not for my protection but for theirs, for I could not reach them with my arms and could do no harm among them.[18]I busied myself with the planning of all manner of campaigns against them, to destroy this invincible Armada: yet had I neither time nor opportunity to drive them out by fire, (as is done in ovens) nor by water, nor by poison--though well I knew what quicksilver would do. Much less had I the opportunity to be rid of them by a change of raiment or a clean shirt, but must carry them with me, and give them my body and blood to feed upon. And when they so tormented and bit me under the harness, I whipped out a pistol as if I would exchange shots with them: yet did only take out the ramrod and therewith drive them from their banquet. At last I discovered a plan, to wind a bit of fur round the ramrod and so make a pretty bird-lime for them: and when I could be at them under the harness with this louse-angler, I fished them out in dozens from their dens, and murdered them: but it availed me little.
Now it happened that my lieutenant-colonel was ordered to make an expedition into Westphalia with a strong detachment; and if he had been as strong in cavalry as I was in my private garrison he would have terrified the whole world: but as 'twas not so he must needs go warily, and for that reason also hide in the Gemmer Mark (a wood so called between Soest and Ham). Now even then I had come to a crisis with my friends: for they tormented me so with their excavations that I feared they might effect a lodgment between flesh and skin. Let no man wonder that the Brasilians do devour their lice, for mere rage and revenge, because they so torment them. At last I could bear my torment no longer, but when the troopers were busy--some feeding, some sleeping, and some keeping guard--I crept a little aside under a tree to wage war with mine enemies: to that end I took off mine armour (though others be wont to put it on when they fight) and began such a killing and murdering that my two swords, which were my thumbnails, dripped with blood and hung full of dead bodies, or rather empty skins: and all such as I could not slay I banished forthwith, and suffered them to take their walks under that same tree.
Now whenever this encounter comes into my remembrance forthwith my skin doth prick me everywhere, as if I were but now in the midst of the battle. 'Tis true I doubted for a while whether I should so revenge myself on mine own blood, and specially against such true servants that would suffer themselves to be hanged with me--yea, and broken on the wheel with me, and on whom, by reason of their numbers, I had often lain softly in the open air on the hardest of earth. But I went on so furiously in my tyrannical ways that I did not even mark how the Imperialists were at blows with my lieutenant-colonel, till at last they came to me, terrified my poor lice, and took me myself prisoner. Nor had they any respect for my manhood, by the power of which I had just before slain my thousands, and even surpassed the fame of the tailor that killed "seven at a blow." I fell to the share of a dragoon, and the best booty he got from me was my lieutenant-colonel's cuirass, and that he sold at a fair price to the commandant at Soest, where he was quartered. So he was in the course of this war my sixth master: for I must serve him as his foot-boy.
Chap. xxix.: HOW A NOTABLY PIOUS SOLDIER FARED IN PARADISE, AND HOW THE HUNTSMAN FILLED HIS PLACE
Now unless our hostess had been content to have herself and her whole house possessed by my army, 'twas certain she must be rid of them. And that she did, short and sharp, for she put my rags into the oven and burned them out as clean as an old tobacco-pipe, so that I lived again as 'twere in a rose-garden freed from my vermin: yea, and none can believe how good it was for me to be free from that torment wherein I had sat for months as in an ant's nest. But in recompense for that I had a new plague to encounter: namely, that my new master was one of those strange soldiers that do think to get to heaven: he was contented with his pay and never harmed a child. His whole fortune consisted in what he could earn by standing sentry and what he could save from his weekly pay; and that, poor as it was, he valued above all the pearls of the Orient: each sixpence he got he sewed into his breeches, and that he might have more of such sixpences I and his horse must starve: I must break my teeth upon dry Pumpernickel, and nourish myself with water, or at best with small beer, and that was a poor affair for me--inasmuch as my throat was raw from the dry black bread and my whole body wasted away. If I would eat I must needs steal, and even that with such secrecy that my master could by no manner of means be brought to book. As for him, gallows and torture, headsmen and their helpers--yea, and surgeons too--were but superfluous. Sutlers and hawkers too must soon have beat a retreat from him: for his thoughts were far from eating and drinking, gaming and quarrelling: but when he was ordered out for a convoy or an expedition of any sort where pay was, there he would loiter and dawdle away his time. Yea, I believe truly if this good old dragoon had not possessed these soldierly virtues of loitering, he would never have got me: for in that case he would have followed my lieutenant-colonel at the double. I could count on no cast clothes from him: for he himself went in such rags as did beforetime my hermit in the woods. His whole harness and saddle were scarce worth three-halfpence, and his horse so staggering for hunger that neither Swede nor Hessian needed to fear his attack.
All these fair qualities did move his captain to send him to Paradise--which was a monastery so called--on protection-duty: not indeed as if he were of much avail for that purpose, but that he might grow fat and buy himself a new nag: and most of all because the nuns had asked for a pious and conscientious and peaceable fellow for their guard. And so he rode thither and I behind him: for he had but one horse: and "Zounds;" says he, "Simbrecht; (for he could never frame to pronounce my name aright) when we come to Paradise we will take our fill." And I answered him: "Yes," said I, "the name is a good omen: God grant it that the place be like its name!" "Yes, yes," says he, for he understood me not, "if we can get two ohms of the good Westphalian beer every day we shall not fare ill. Look to thyself: for I will now have a fine new cloak made, and thou canst have the old one: 'twill make a brave new coat for thee."
Well might he call it the old one: for I believe it could well remember the Battle of Pavia,[19]so weatherbeaten and shabby was it: and with the giving of it he did me but little kindness.
Paradise we found as we would have it and still better: in place of angels we found fair maidens, who so entertained us with food and drink that presently I came again to my former fatness: the strongest beer we had, the best Westphalian hams and smoked sausages and savoury and delicate meat, boiled in salt water and eaten cold. There too I learned to spread black bread a finger thick with salt butter, and put cheese on that so that it might slip down better: and when I could have a knuckle of mutton garnished with garlic and a good tankard of beer beside it, then would I refresh body and soul and forget all my past sufferings. In a word, this Paradise pleased me as much as if it had been the true Paradise: no other care had I except that I knew 'twould not always last, and I must fare forth again in my rags.
But even as misfortune ever came to me in abundance when it once began to pursue me, so now it seemed to me that good fortune would run it hard: for when my master would send me to Soest to fetch his baggage thence, I found on the road a pack, and in the same some ells of scarlet cloth cut for a cloak, and red silk also for the lining. That I took with me, and at Soest I exchanged it with a clothier for common green woollen cloth fit for a coat and trappings, with the condition he should make such a coat and provide me also with a new hat: and inasmuch as I grievously needed also a new pair of shoes and a shirt, I gave the huckster the silver buttons and the lace that belonged to the cloak, for which he procured for me all that I wanted, and turned me out brand-new. So I returned to Paradise to my master, who was mightily incensed that I had not brought my findings to him: yea, he talked of trouncings, and for a trifle, an he had not been shamed and had the coat fitted him, would have stript it off me for to wear it himself. But to my thinking I had done a good piece of trading.
But now must the miserly fellow be ashamed that his lad went better clothed than he: therefore he rides to Soest, borrows money from his captain and equips himself in the finest style, with the promise to repay all out of his weekly protection-pay: and that he carefully did. He had indeed himself means to pay that and more also, but was too sly to touch his stores: for had he done that his malingering was at an end, wherein he hoped to abide softly that winter through, and some other naked fellow had been put in his place: but now the captain must perforce leave him where he lay, or he would not recover his money he had lent. Thenceforward we lived the laziest life in the world, wherein skittles was our chief exercise: when I had groomed my dragoon's horse, fed and given him to drink, then I played the gentleman and went a-walking.
The convent was safeguarded also by our opponents the Hessians with a musqueteer from Lippstadt: the same was by trade a furrier, and for that reason not only a master-singer but also a first-rate fencer, and lest he should forget his art he daily exercised himself with me in all weapons, in which I became so expert that I was not afraid to challenge him whenever he would. My old dragoon, in place of fencing with him, would play at skittles, and that for no other wager but who should drink most beer at dinner: and so whoever lost the convent paid.
This convent had its own game-preserves and therefore its own huntsman, and inasmuch as I also was clad in green I joined myself to him, and from him in that autumn and winter I learned all his arts, and especially all that concerns catching of small game. For that cause, and because also the name Simplicissimus was somewhat uncommon and for the common folk easily forgotten or hard to pronounce, every one called me the "little huntsman": and meanwhile I learned to know every way and path, and that knowledge I made good use of thereafter. But when by reason of ill weather I could not take my walks abroad in the wood, then I read all manner of books which the bailiff of the convent lent me. And so soon as the good nuns knew that, besides my good voice, I could also play a little on the lute and the harpsichord, then did they give more heed to me, and because there was added to these qualities a prettily proportioned body and a handsome face enough, therefore they deemed all my manners and customs, my doings and my ways, to be the ways of nobility: and so became I all unexpectedly a much-loved gentleman, of whom one could but wonder that he should serve so scurvy a dragoon.
But when I had spent the winter in the midst of such pleasures, my master was discharged: which vexed him so much (by reason of the good living he was to lose) that he fell sick, and inasmuch as that was aggravated by a violent fever (and likewise the old wounds that he had got in the wars in his lifetime helped the mischief), he had but short shrift, for in three weeks I had somewhat to bury, but this epitaph I wrote for him: