Quoth Meade to Lee—Can you tell me,In the shortest style of writing,When people willGet their fillOf this big job of fighting?Quoth Lee to Meade—Why, yes, indeed,I'll tell you in a minute:When legislatorsAnd speculatorsAre made to enter in it.ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.—497.The following advertisement appears in a California paper:—"Wanted, by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms moderate."A WHALE AT PEAS.—498.The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival. Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tipsmère, as the French would say, had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flyingdish, and now the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold the judge deliberately monopolize the whole—sweep, as I live, every pea into his own plate—and then turning to me, with a greasy smile, remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."A TEARFUL RESPONSE.—499."Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."A PRETENDED PELHAM.—500.A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places, with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman, willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer, myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance, excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the proposed sale was effected.DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.—501.A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia, and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle" of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general" was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the lossof his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."THE LOAFER'S HAT.—502."I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me yesterday, when you were in town."THE DEBT OF NATURE.—503.An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we "intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by anexecution.A BLACK BULL.—504.At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the door-post:—"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes himself."A NEW DISH.—505.Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks' service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet. This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thoughthe understood the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"THE LAST COMPLIMENT.—506.A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal. "Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.—507.Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The following dialogue ensued:—"Does Dr. Channing live here?"—"Yes, sir." "Can I see him?"—"I am he." "Who, you?"—"Yes, sir." "You must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."—"Heard me preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't you?"—"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches; I'm the doctor who practises."A FAIR RETORT.—508.Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit; but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."DR. FRANKLIN.—509.The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell. Franklin wrote thecharacteristic reply, that he presumed that the good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of that pleasant town.REASONABLE INSTINCT.—510.A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one of the sausage shops in this city.DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.—511.The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus pleasantly described by a letter writer:—"He was then a young lawyer. At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete. This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,' containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is still to be found—the knot never untied."PRESENTED AT COURT.—512.An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one. "Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends—a judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened to be the Central Criminal Court."CRITICAL.—513.A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:—"The unities are admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act, never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."HARD FEATHERS.—514.An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said, "Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers. They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me ifI don't think they've left the fowls in too!"SNORING IN CHURCH.—515.TheBoston Beecontains the following polite hint:—"Deacon —— is requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation are anxious to hear the text."PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.—516.Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave as a sentiment—"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes." Everett responded—"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can raise them above one Story."LOVE-LETTER INK.—517.An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article, and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his own ink.A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.—518.A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened tobe out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed, some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt. Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand, and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed: "Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you shave last?"NEW, IF NOT TRUE.—519.In one of the Northern States of America, according to veracious authority, the pious young women established an association which they styled "The Young Women's Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in London.)TRUE, IF NOT NEW.—520.A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.—521.An American secretary of state had two afflictions—an obliging doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The bore was admitted no more.PLAIN SPOKEN.—522."Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under examination. The lady replied: "Yes,sir-ee, and so are women; and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."—"You'll be committed for contempt."—"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."POPPING THE QUESTION.—523.A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day," and accidentally—(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the way!)—dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming, never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"—"Capital," was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for these five years—will you marry me?"A GEM.—524.At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller—I have justsetthe jewel!"THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.—525.A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies' bonnet-linings.A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his hands.A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;" or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving, or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was ever "refused" by a lady.A bachelor whose carpet did not wear outfirstin front of the looking-glass.A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.A woman who was notat heartinimical to her own sex.A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the table, before company.A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather than exile the smoker.An old maid who was not so from choice.Fanny Fern.QUESTION FOR QUESTION.—526.Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is theuseof a new-born infant?"THE YANKEE.—527."No matter where his home may be—What flag may be unfurl'd!He'll manage by somecutedevice,Towhittlethrough the world."—Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."TRUE POLITENESS.—528.Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I cannot suffer a man of his condition toexceedme ingood manners."A "DISTANT" FRIEND.—529.Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it anearor distant relative?" "Well, purty distant—'bout twenty-four mile," was the reply.JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.—530.The editor of theBoston Daily Star, in relinquishing his charge, gave the following notice:—"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make immediate application to the retiring editor."MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."—531."If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a horse."THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.—532.A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded:—"I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare.If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works."ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.—533.A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!THE LOVERS' LEAP.—534.Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?" "Take thedry one." And the young lady did, and married him.COMPLIMENTARY.—535.She was all sorts of a gal—there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a prairie flower.CUTTING.—536.General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love withyourself, and you have not arivalupon earth."THE DARKIE'S WISH.—537.I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would beWe'd have a darkie parliament,An' darkie codes of law,An' darkie judges on de bench,Darkie barristers and aw.POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.—538."John, what do you do for a living?"—"Oh, me preach."—"Preach, and do you get paid for it?"—"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two shillings."—"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"—"Oh, yes, but it's mighty poor preaching."A TRUMP CARD.—539.There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the child?"—"Pontius Pilate," said he.—"I can't," said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since baptism came in fashion."—"I am sorry for that," said the squire, "for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't have that—and it's a dreadful pity—call him Trump;" and he was christened "Trump Card."—Sam Slick.TIMELY WARNING.—540.A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for the good of his readers, of course:—I was sitting in my study, when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, and who should walk in but—Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.—"Pretty well," said I.—"What are you about? preparing your leader?"—"Yes," said I.—"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of good?"—"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little good, I hope."—"You have a large lot of readers," said he.—"Well, pretty well for that," said I.—"And I dare say you are very proud of them," said Satan.—"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of them pay for their papers!"—"You don't say so!" said he.—"Yes, that I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"—"Well," said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I think I can do a trifle myself with such people."HABITUAL THIRST.—541.A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president—"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."STONING STEPHEN.—542.TheBuffalo Democracynarrates this story of one of the miniature men, vulgarly called children:—"A teacher in a Sunday-school in R—— was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'—Answer: 'The Jews.'—Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'—'Beyond the limits of the city.'—The third question: 'Why did they take him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't know, unless it was to geta fair fling at him!'"VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.—543.Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, and be the source of her silver rivers." TheRochester Americanremarks—"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.—544.In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in which is the following interesting paragraph:—"We are nowworking out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle—but determined not to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most accomplished housewife is capable of—not forgetting the scoldings on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice young man in want of a wife—willing to sustain any character; in fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going—going—gone! Who's the lucky man?"FALLING IN LOVE.—545.If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.—Sam Slick.DULL MEMBERS.—546."I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members of the American Legislature.—"I am very glad to hear it," said one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."HEADY.—547.A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his head.SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.—548.The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary formations, for they were formed after man."POLITICS.—549.Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for the stakes, a battle for the spoils.—Dow's Sermons.GOOD EYESIGHT.—550.A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up with: "They even fight with daggers in a roompitch dark." "Is it possible?" was the reply. "Possible, sir!" returned the Yankee, "why I've seen them."A KNOWING CONTRABAND.—551."Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse." Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."GENERAL GRANT.—552.When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryoticmajor-general started off with these instructions fully impressed upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?" was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60 dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure at which the horse could be parted with.SNIP.—553.A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!"BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.—554.What is the land? Bogs.—The atmosphere? Fogs.—What did you live on? Hogs.—What were your draught animals? Dogs.—Any fish in the ponds? Frogs.—What did you find the women? Clogs.—What map did you travel by? Mogg's.NO VICES.—555.Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. "That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'""FIRE AT THE CRISIS."—556.During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan, fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed, and simply called out, "Fire!" The men wereslightly surprised at the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear the general say it had come?"A SHREWD NIGGER.—557."Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro. "Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin' for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?" "Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone, an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."AN AMERICAN "HELP."—558.The following amusing description of an American servant we extract from a letter from New York:—An American "help" is no menial. She is spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range; brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on. Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day. Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights' Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and comfortless hotels.GERMAN WINES.—559.ThePhiladelphia Gazetteassures its readers that some of the German wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing the same cat back again by its tail.THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.—560.A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why, I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be," rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.IT FOLLOWS.—561.A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go ahead; I carry grave-stones."JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.—562.Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten' hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.AMERICAN CURIOSITY.—563."You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I am."—"Going West?" "Yes."—"Travelling alone?" "No."—"Was you raised down East?" "No, in the Old Country."—"In the little old island? Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?" "No."—"Are you travelling on business?" "No."—"What business do you follow?" "None."—"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health and pleasure."—"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich. Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end of the fall."—"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.—564.One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions; and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger, perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow. I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York, and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to expect,I intend to—buy it." Then was heard a shout of stentorian laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that conversation.THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.—565.A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoinedamende honourable, which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:—"Amende Honourable:—We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, isno-thing."YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.—566.An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his stolidity."A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.—567.A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.HALF GUILTY.—568.A man was on trial forenteringa house in Philadelphia in the night time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my client on such testimony! The law is againstenteringa house, and can a man be said toentera house when onlyone-halfof his bodyisin, and the other halfout?" The jury brought in a verdict of "guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.—569.A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania. He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other impediment. "I have a wife already."WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.—570.A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder. With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the following cross question:—"How did you kill all these buffaloes with only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other. Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet brought home the same ball we started with."JONATHAN'S GUESS.—571.A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy one that han't got no looking-glass."SURE OF IT.—572.A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"PICTURE-DEALING.—573.A Boston paper contains this advertisement:—"A great bargain. To all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country, together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., —— Street, Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads!STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.—574.Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw.ADVICE TO DOCTORS.—575.Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door, was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for him. "What's my chances, doctor?"—"Not worth speaking of." "One in twenty?"—"Oh, no." "In thirty?"—"No." "Fifty?"—"I think not." "A hundred?"—"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say, then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered.SETTING THE TIME.—576.A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it is time for James to go home."REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.—577.Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio, past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote of Lazarus:—A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell. "Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"—"Yes; one of our oldest citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"—"Remarkably so." "Well, I thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!"THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.—578.TheHartford Postsays:—The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis, Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the inmates:—I.The Southern Confederacy.—That is the house that Jeff. built.II.The Ethiopian.—This is the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.III.The Underground Railroad.—This is the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.IV.The Fugitive Slave Law.—This is the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.V.The Personal Liberty Bill.—This is the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.VI.Chief Justice Taney.—This is the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.VII.James Buchanan.—This is the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.VIII.C. Cesh.—This is the man all tattered and torn that married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.IX.Plunder.—This is the priest all shaven and shorn that married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
Quoth Meade to Lee—Can you tell me,In the shortest style of writing,When people willGet their fillOf this big job of fighting?Quoth Lee to Meade—Why, yes, indeed,I'll tell you in a minute:When legislatorsAnd speculatorsAre made to enter in it.
Quoth Meade to Lee—Can you tell me,In the shortest style of writing,When people willGet their fillOf this big job of fighting?Quoth Lee to Meade—Why, yes, indeed,I'll tell you in a minute:When legislatorsAnd speculatorsAre made to enter in it.
Quoth Meade to Lee—Can you tell me,In the shortest style of writing,When people willGet their fillOf this big job of fighting?
Quoth Lee to Meade—Why, yes, indeed,I'll tell you in a minute:When legislatorsAnd speculatorsAre made to enter in it.
The following advertisement appears in a California paper:—"Wanted, by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms moderate."
The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival. Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tipsmère, as the French would say, had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flyingdish, and now the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold the judge deliberately monopolize the whole—sweep, as I live, every pea into his own plate—and then turning to me, with a greasy smile, remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."
"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."
A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places, with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman, willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer, myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance, excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the proposed sale was effected.
A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia, and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle" of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general" was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the lossof his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."
"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me yesterday, when you were in town."
An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we "intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by anexecution.
At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the door-post:—"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes himself."
Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks' service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet. This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thoughthe understood the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"
A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal. "Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."
Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The following dialogue ensued:—"Does Dr. Channing live here?"—"Yes, sir." "Can I see him?"—"I am he." "Who, you?"—"Yes, sir." "You must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."—"Heard me preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't you?"—"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches; I'm the doctor who practises."
Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit; but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."
The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell. Franklin wrote thecharacteristic reply, that he presumed that the good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of that pleasant town.
A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one of the sausage shops in this city.
The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus pleasantly described by a letter writer:—"He was then a young lawyer. At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete. This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,' containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is still to be found—the knot never untied."
An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one. "Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends—a judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened to be the Central Criminal Court."
A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:—"The unities are admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act, never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."
An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said, "Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers. They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me ifI don't think they've left the fowls in too!"
TheBoston Beecontains the following polite hint:—"Deacon —— is requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation are anxious to hear the text."
Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave as a sentiment—"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes." Everett responded—"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can raise them above one Story."
An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article, and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his own ink.
A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened tobe out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed, some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt. Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand, and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed: "Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you shave last?"
In one of the Northern States of America, according to veracious authority, the pious young women established an association which they styled "The Young Women's Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in London.)
A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.
An American secretary of state had two afflictions—an obliging doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The bore was admitted no more.
"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under examination. The lady replied: "Yes,sir-ee, and so are women; and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."—"You'll be committed for contempt."—"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."
A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day," and accidentally—(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the way!)—dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming, never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"—"Capital," was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for these five years—will you marry me?"
At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller—I have justsetthe jewel!"
A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."
A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies' bonnet-linings.
A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his hands.
A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;" or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving, or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was ever "refused" by a lady.
A bachelor whose carpet did not wear outfirstin front of the looking-glass.
A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.
An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.
A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.
A woman who was notat heartinimical to her own sex.
A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the table, before company.
A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.
A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.
A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.
A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.
A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.
A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.
A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather than exile the smoker.
An old maid who was not so from choice.
Fanny Fern.
Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is theuseof a new-born infant?"
"No matter where his home may be—What flag may be unfurl'd!He'll manage by somecutedevice,Towhittlethrough the world."
"No matter where his home may be—What flag may be unfurl'd!He'll manage by somecutedevice,Towhittlethrough the world."
"No matter where his home may be—What flag may be unfurl'd!He'll manage by somecutedevice,Towhittlethrough the world."
—Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."
Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I cannot suffer a man of his condition toexceedme ingood manners."
Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it anearor distant relative?" "Well, purty distant—'bout twenty-four mile," was the reply.
The editor of theBoston Daily Star, in relinquishing his charge, gave the following notice:—"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make immediate application to the retiring editor."
"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a horse."
A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded:—"I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare.If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works."
A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!
Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?" "Take thedry one." And the young lady did, and married him.
She was all sorts of a gal—there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a prairie flower.
General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love withyourself, and you have not arivalupon earth."
I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would beWe'd have a darkie parliament,An' darkie codes of law,An' darkie judges on de bench,Darkie barristers and aw.
I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would beWe'd have a darkie parliament,An' darkie codes of law,An' darkie judges on de bench,Darkie barristers and aw.
I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would beWe'd have a darkie parliament,An' darkie codes of law,An' darkie judges on de bench,Darkie barristers and aw.
"John, what do you do for a living?"—"Oh, me preach."—"Preach, and do you get paid for it?"—"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two shillings."—"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"—"Oh, yes, but it's mighty poor preaching."
There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the child?"—"Pontius Pilate," said he.—"I can't," said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since baptism came in fashion."—"I am sorry for that," said the squire, "for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't have that—and it's a dreadful pity—call him Trump;" and he was christened "Trump Card."—Sam Slick.
A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for the good of his readers, of course:—I was sitting in my study, when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, and who should walk in but—Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.—"Pretty well," said I.—"What are you about? preparing your leader?"—"Yes," said I.—"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of good?"—"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little good, I hope."—"You have a large lot of readers," said he.—"Well, pretty well for that," said I.—"And I dare say you are very proud of them," said Satan.—"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of them pay for their papers!"—"You don't say so!" said he.—"Yes, that I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"—"Well," said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I think I can do a trifle myself with such people."
A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president—"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."
TheBuffalo Democracynarrates this story of one of the miniature men, vulgarly called children:—"A teacher in a Sunday-school in R—— was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'—Answer: 'The Jews.'—Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'—'Beyond the limits of the city.'—The third question: 'Why did they take him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't know, unless it was to geta fair fling at him!'"
Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, and be the source of her silver rivers." TheRochester Americanremarks—"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."
In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in which is the following interesting paragraph:—"We are nowworking out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle—but determined not to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most accomplished housewife is capable of—not forgetting the scoldings on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice young man in want of a wife—willing to sustain any character; in fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going—going—gone! Who's the lucky man?"
If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.—Sam Slick.
"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members of the American Legislature.—"I am very glad to hear it," said one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."
A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his head.
The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary formations, for they were formed after man."
Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for the stakes, a battle for the spoils.—Dow's Sermons.
A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up with: "They even fight with daggers in a roompitch dark." "Is it possible?" was the reply. "Possible, sir!" returned the Yankee, "why I've seen them."
"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse." Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."
When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryoticmajor-general started off with these instructions fully impressed upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?" was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60 dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure at which the horse could be parted with.
A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!"
What is the land? Bogs.—The atmosphere? Fogs.—What did you live on? Hogs.—What were your draught animals? Dogs.—Any fish in the ponds? Frogs.—What did you find the women? Clogs.—What map did you travel by? Mogg's.
Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. "That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'"
During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan, fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed, and simply called out, "Fire!" The men wereslightly surprised at the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear the general say it had come?"
"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro. "Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin' for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?" "Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone, an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."
The following amusing description of an American servant we extract from a letter from New York:—An American "help" is no menial. She is spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range; brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on. Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day. Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights' Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and comfortless hotels.
ThePhiladelphia Gazetteassures its readers that some of the German wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing the same cat back again by its tail.
A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why, I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be," rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.
A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go ahead; I carry grave-stones."
Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten' hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.
"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I am."—"Going West?" "Yes."—"Travelling alone?" "No."—"Was you raised down East?" "No, in the Old Country."—"In the little old island? Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?" "No."—"Are you travelling on business?" "No."—"What business do you follow?" "None."—"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health and pleasure."—"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich. Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end of the fall."—"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"
One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions; and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger, perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow. I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York, and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to expect,I intend to—buy it." Then was heard a shout of stentorian laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that conversation.
A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoinedamende honourable, which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:—"Amende Honourable:—We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, isno-thing."
An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his stolidity."
A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.
A man was on trial forenteringa house in Philadelphia in the night time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my client on such testimony! The law is againstenteringa house, and can a man be said toentera house when onlyone-halfof his bodyisin, and the other halfout?" The jury brought in a verdict of "guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.
A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania. He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other impediment. "I have a wife already."
A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder. With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the following cross question:—"How did you kill all these buffaloes with only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other. Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet brought home the same ball we started with."
A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy one that han't got no looking-glass."
A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"
A Boston paper contains this advertisement:—"A great bargain. To all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country, together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., —— Street, Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads!
Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw.
Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door, was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for him. "What's my chances, doctor?"—"Not worth speaking of." "One in twenty?"—"Oh, no." "In thirty?"—"No." "Fifty?"—"I think not." "A hundred?"—"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say, then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered.
A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it is time for James to go home."
Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio, past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote of Lazarus:—A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell. "Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"—"Yes; one of our oldest citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"—"Remarkably so." "Well, I thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!"
TheHartford Postsays:—
The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis, Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the inmates:—
I.The Southern Confederacy.—That is the house that Jeff. built.
II.The Ethiopian.—This is the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
III.The Underground Railroad.—This is the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
IV.The Fugitive Slave Law.—This is the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
V.The Personal Liberty Bill.—This is the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
VI.Chief Justice Taney.—This is the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
VII.James Buchanan.—This is the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
VIII.C. Cesh.—This is the man all tattered and torn that married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
IX.Plunder.—This is the priest all shaven and shorn that married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.