A VEGETABLE HEAD.—169.

"Floyd has died and few have sobb'd,Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd;He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said—The only one he ever paid.Some doubt that he resign'd his breath;But vow that he has cheated even death.If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware;Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care.Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way,And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay."A VEGETABLE HEAD.—169.The late Judge Peters has left behind him a host of well-remembered puns worth relating. When on the District Court Bench, he observed to Judge Washington that one of the witnesses had avegetablehead. "How so?" was the inquiry. "He hascarrotyhair,reddishcheeks, aturn-upnose, and asagelook."OBJECTING TO MISSIONS.—170.A wag was lately asked to contribute to foreign missions. "Not on any account," said he. "Why not?" asked the collector, "the object is laudable." "No, it isn't," was the reply; "not half so many people go to the devil now as ought to."HIS FIRST STEP.—171.We extract the following from a popular story. It narrates the early experience of a bashful boy:—"Well, my sister Lib gave a party one night, and I stayed away from home because I was too bashful to face the music. I hung around the house, whistling 'Old Dan Tucker,' dancing to keep my feet warm, watching heads bobbing up and down behind the window-curtains, and wishing the thunderingparty would break up so I could get to my room. I smoked up a bunch of cigars, and as it was getting late and mighty uncomfortable, I concluded to climb up the door-post. No sooner said than done, and I found myself snug in bed. 'Now,' says I, 'let her rip! Dance till your wind is out!' And, cuddled under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed me. I was dreaming of soft-shelled crabs and stewed tripe, and having a good time, when somebody knocked at my room-door and woke me up. 'Rap,' again. I laid low. 'Rap, rap, rap!' Then I heard a whispering, and I knew there was a whole raft of girls outside. 'Rap, rap!' Then Lib sings out, 'Jack, are you in there?' 'Yes,' says I; and then came a roar of laughter. 'Let us in,' says she. 'I won't,' says I. Then came another laugh. By thunder, I began to get riled! 'Get out, you petticoated scarecrows!' I cried; 'can't you get a beau without hauling a fellow out of bed? I won't go home with you—I won't—so you may clear out!' And sending a boot at the door, I felt better. But presently—O mortal buttons!—I heard a still small voice, very like sister Lib's, and it said, 'Jack, you'll have to get up, for all the girls' things are in there!' Oh dear, what a pickle! Think of me in bed, all covered with shawls, muffs, bonnets, and cloaks, and twenty girls outside waiting to get in. As it was, I rolled out among the ribbons in a hurry. Smash went the millinery in every direction. I had to dress in the dark, and the way I fumbled about was death on straw hats. The critical moment at last came. I opened the door, and found myself right among the women! 'Oh, my Leghorn!' cries one. 'My dear winter velvet!' cries another. And they pinched in—they piled me this way and that—boxed my ears; and one little bright-eyed piece—Sal ——, her name was—put her arms right round my neck and kissed me right on my lips! Human nature couldn't stand that, and I gave her as good as she sent. It was the first time I had ever got a taste, and it was powerful good. I believe I could have kissed that gal from Julius Cæsar to the Fourth of July. 'Jack,' said she, 'we are sorry to disturb you, but won't you see me home?' 'Yes,' says I, 'I will.' I did do it, and had another smack at the gate, too. After that we took a kinder turtle-doving after each other, both of us sighing like a barrel of new cider when we were away from each other."HIS WIFE'S COUSIN.—172.A country gentleman lately arrived at Boston, and immediately repaired to the house of a relative, a lady who had married a merchant. The parties were glad to see him, and invited him to make their house his home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days, besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ——, my relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please get an order from Mr. ——; it will be the same as money." The horse was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf, which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?" said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that is all right, sir." "Yes—well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin." "Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not."YANKEE TOASTS.—173.The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey Democrats:—"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last dollar—May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster, and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State rights—May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph of State wrongs." "Things we remember—Habeas corpus and trial by jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light of other days,when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery, shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition war for disunion—Let those who think it is right go to it, and those who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The war Democrat—A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union—Peace, mutual concession, and compromise."A BIG PUFF.—174.A model certificate is the following:—"Dear doctor,—I will be one hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without stopping."VERY ODD THAT.—175.A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ——. A number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ——, of the New York ——, stated that nine different nations were represented in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English, &c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember. Lieutenant ——, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!" says the colonel, "that's it—Americans."HOW ALE STRENGTHENED HIM.—176.A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited in his room—contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed that you have abarrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well, what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the greatest ease."LUMINOUS EVIDENCE.—177."Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I, golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face." "Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why, no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright, that you might see to pick up a pin."SCIPIO'S WIFE.—178.Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course.THE DYING SOLDIER AND HIS MOTHER.—179.In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville, in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sadresults. But what woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long, joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed and panted and wept forth its expression.CANINE RESEMBLANCE.—180.A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover his mistake until informed by thecat.MARRIAGE AND SINGLE BLESSEDNESS.—181.We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment, for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and fourth:—"That man must lead a happy lifeWho is directed by a wife;Who's freed from matrimonial claimsIs sure to suffer for his pains."Adam could find no solid peaceTill he beheld a woman's face;When Eve was given him for a mate,Adam was in a happy state."In all the female race appearTruth, darling of a heart sincere,Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,In woman never did reside."What tongue is able to unfoldThe worth in woman we behold?The failings that in woman dwellAre almost imperceptible."Confusion take the men, I say,Who no regard to women pay.Who make the women their delightKeep always reason in their sight."A "FOREST-BORN" ORATOR.—182.Rev. G. D. ——, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine "forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is too good to be lost:—"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and put it on your shoulders for epaulettes—if you tear down the starry curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest—this will be as nothing compared to the glory of the saints."HEN PERSUADERS.—183.TheSpringfield Republicanspeaks of a new invention for a hen's nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away.POPPING THE QUESTION.—184.One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she, "That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went. Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you sayyes?" And then there was such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place, but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish.NEGRO SERMON.—185."There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two roads tro dis world—the one am broad and narrow road, that leads to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say, my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world—the one am a broad and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods."GRANDPA'S SPECTACLES.—186."There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles. What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips: "You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so." "Well, here are grandpa's spectacles—won't you take them to him?"TREMENDOUS GALE.—187.We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it. Read the following from a Western paper:—"In the late gale, birds were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's whiskers on!A WITTY SENTINEL.—188.A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt inevery lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant "Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and give the countersign."A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.—189.A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock, on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away his hand very quick, and the man fell!A POETICAL EDITOR.—190.The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the following will show:—"Brethren,—Is there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance should pay the printer."NO PATIENTS LIVING.—191.A jolly fellow had an office next door to a doctor's shop. One day a gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?" "Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?" "Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit.CRIMINAL DIDN'T SEE IT.—192.A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered:"Why, I think there has been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the subject."A RETURNED SOLDIER'S LETTER TO HIS NURSE.—193."Dear Miss T——, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.—Joseph C——."SUPERFLUOUS TESTIMONIAL.—194.Prentice, of theLouisville Journal, notices the presentation of a silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle, the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a barrel."HARD UP.—195.An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de 'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for 'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the general's horses."PRESIDENTIAL PUNS.—196.Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a "little story," but often indulges in averitable joke. One of the latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster, in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception. "Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the mathematical definition of the straight line—length without breadth. "Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height), and made the following "brief remarks:"—"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln. That's the long and short of it."OPENNESS OF COUNTENANCE.—197."Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of openness when he smiles."HOLDING THE STAKES.—198.An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why—hic—why, the fact is—hic—a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes."THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.—199.One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln, are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.' 'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last twelvemonth.'"A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.—200.An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an engagement. "Whatrôlewould you prefer, my friend?" asked the manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't partial to rolls, nohow—corn-dodgers is my favourite."TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.—201.Dr. A——, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr. L——, who addressed Dr. A—— as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A——. "Well," said Dr. L——, "a thing I never do is to take my patientsout to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A——; "the undertaker does it for you."A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.—202.The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry. I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer, Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood. The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company; he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister, farewell!"YANKEE BRASS.—203.The editor of theBrooklyn Eagle, when arrested for hoaxing the New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln, addressed the following letter to theEaglefrom the walls of Lafayette:—"DearEagle,—In the language of the 'magnificent' Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here, which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it. Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance."NOT TO BE WONDERED AT.—204.Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam? I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completelycured me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to my satisfaction.I was struck with lightningabout a year ago, but it didn't do me a mossel o' good!"PETE'S EXPECTATIONS.—205.Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water, built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan. One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly. "Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys."LOOKING FOR A SITUATION UNDER GOVERNMENT.—206.Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President lately, which terminated thus:—"'Is there any little thing I kin do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin, scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'"IN BLACK AND WHITE.—207.A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white," responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your honour want more than this?"A GUARDED ANSWER.—208.In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour, he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record.QUEER QUERIES.—209.Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued according to what it will fetch or what it will bring?DO YOU SMOKE?—210.A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me."A RAT STORY.—211.TheGreenfield Gazetteis responsible for the following rat story:—"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them, and they were caught the next morning."SUBSTITUTING ONE TREAT FOR ANOTHER.—212."Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this afternoon."HOTEL RULES AT THE "DIGGINS."—213.The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle, who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and Regulations":—Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.; without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors, and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar. No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules will be shot.ODD NAMES.—214.What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless, and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis, supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also, and the third William Likewise.LEGAL ADVICE UNDER SINGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.—215.A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ——, have you taken out a warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got hisaccount, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence."SHARP CHILD.—216.Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?"TAKING THE STARCH OUT.—217."A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No, sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens—supplying the New England banks pretty largely—and I suppose it will be proper for me to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes, and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,' said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous pedlar disappeared without another word."THE EFFECT OF ELOQUENCE.—218.One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He was oncecounsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed; and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did."HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.—219.There was a traveller once, down South—say in the State of Georgia—who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown, was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs. "Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair, where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable part."A PLUMP QUESTION.—220.The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of his men, Billy G——, had received an excellent education, was of a good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house), receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came with his eyes allblood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family, good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that——" Here Billy's eyes sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain, did you say that—hic—I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes, I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually I—I—am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam expects—to—to—to get all thecardinal virtues for twelve dollars a month?"THE CORDS OF HYMEN.—221.A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas. The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:—"When I was young I used to earnMy living without trouble;Had clothes and pocket-money too,And hours of pleasure double."I never dream'd of such a fate,When Ia-lasswas courted—Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper,chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally,doing the work of six,For the sake of being supported."CURE FOR FAINTING.—222.A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming, "That's good—it smells like home!"A CHEAP TREAT.—223.A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent."JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.—224.I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:—1. Are you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much? 6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.—225.Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta, Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting "jolly mellow," when Frank ——, a wag of an editor, was called on for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the other a tumblerof "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically: "Gentlemen, d—n the Kennebec!—and improve its navigation," and sat down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built.DOW, JUNIOR.—226.It was Dow, jun.—sacred to his memory—who said that "Life is a country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and left. Bob your cocoanut—the figure is ended. Time hangs up the fiddle, and death puts out the lights."A PROMPT REPLY.—227.A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said: "My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply.INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.—228.An amusing incident says theSelinsgrove(Pa.)Post, occurred in one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for some minutes afterwards.HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.—229.An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour. "Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away." Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey,holding the chalk in the palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back, she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a quarter of an inch thick.FANCY HER FEELINGS.—230.Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening, when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly, in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:—"Do you think, Mary, you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he, "there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll mention it to him."ABSENCE OF MIND.—231.TheLowell Journalgives an account of a rich scene that occurred in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left in the first train.KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.—232.When the editor of theBulletinsaid, "We are under conviction that," &c., the editor of theSunday Mercuryretorted: "This is not the first time that the editor of theBulletinhas beenunder conviction!"A LEGAL TOAST.—233.At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity, the toast was given:—"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."RATHER 'CUTE.—234.A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker.NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.—235.TheSeneca Advertisertells the following:—The pastor of a certain church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago, when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following fashion:—"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the crinoline.)TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.—236.A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison there:—"Wanted.—A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be 30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period. Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage stamps.—Asa Hartz."THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.—237.TheCroydon Democratpublishes the following platform arranged to suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the second is the Abolition platform; andthe whole read together is the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union—as a whole it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other Abolition:—

"Floyd has died and few have sobb'd,Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd;He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said—The only one he ever paid.Some doubt that he resign'd his breath;But vow that he has cheated even death.If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware;Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care.Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way,And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay."

"Floyd has died and few have sobb'd,Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd;He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said—The only one he ever paid.Some doubt that he resign'd his breath;But vow that he has cheated even death.If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware;Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care.Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way,And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay."

"Floyd has died and few have sobb'd,Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd;He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said—The only one he ever paid.Some doubt that he resign'd his breath;But vow that he has cheated even death.If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware;Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care.Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way,And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay."

The late Judge Peters has left behind him a host of well-remembered puns worth relating. When on the District Court Bench, he observed to Judge Washington that one of the witnesses had avegetablehead. "How so?" was the inquiry. "He hascarrotyhair,reddishcheeks, aturn-upnose, and asagelook."

A wag was lately asked to contribute to foreign missions. "Not on any account," said he. "Why not?" asked the collector, "the object is laudable." "No, it isn't," was the reply; "not half so many people go to the devil now as ought to."

We extract the following from a popular story. It narrates the early experience of a bashful boy:—"Well, my sister Lib gave a party one night, and I stayed away from home because I was too bashful to face the music. I hung around the house, whistling 'Old Dan Tucker,' dancing to keep my feet warm, watching heads bobbing up and down behind the window-curtains, and wishing the thunderingparty would break up so I could get to my room. I smoked up a bunch of cigars, and as it was getting late and mighty uncomfortable, I concluded to climb up the door-post. No sooner said than done, and I found myself snug in bed. 'Now,' says I, 'let her rip! Dance till your wind is out!' And, cuddled under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed me. I was dreaming of soft-shelled crabs and stewed tripe, and having a good time, when somebody knocked at my room-door and woke me up. 'Rap,' again. I laid low. 'Rap, rap, rap!' Then I heard a whispering, and I knew there was a whole raft of girls outside. 'Rap, rap!' Then Lib sings out, 'Jack, are you in there?' 'Yes,' says I; and then came a roar of laughter. 'Let us in,' says she. 'I won't,' says I. Then came another laugh. By thunder, I began to get riled! 'Get out, you petticoated scarecrows!' I cried; 'can't you get a beau without hauling a fellow out of bed? I won't go home with you—I won't—so you may clear out!' And sending a boot at the door, I felt better. But presently—O mortal buttons!—I heard a still small voice, very like sister Lib's, and it said, 'Jack, you'll have to get up, for all the girls' things are in there!' Oh dear, what a pickle! Think of me in bed, all covered with shawls, muffs, bonnets, and cloaks, and twenty girls outside waiting to get in. As it was, I rolled out among the ribbons in a hurry. Smash went the millinery in every direction. I had to dress in the dark, and the way I fumbled about was death on straw hats. The critical moment at last came. I opened the door, and found myself right among the women! 'Oh, my Leghorn!' cries one. 'My dear winter velvet!' cries another. And they pinched in—they piled me this way and that—boxed my ears; and one little bright-eyed piece—Sal ——, her name was—put her arms right round my neck and kissed me right on my lips! Human nature couldn't stand that, and I gave her as good as she sent. It was the first time I had ever got a taste, and it was powerful good. I believe I could have kissed that gal from Julius Cæsar to the Fourth of July. 'Jack,' said she, 'we are sorry to disturb you, but won't you see me home?' 'Yes,' says I, 'I will.' I did do it, and had another smack at the gate, too. After that we took a kinder turtle-doving after each other, both of us sighing like a barrel of new cider when we were away from each other."

A country gentleman lately arrived at Boston, and immediately repaired to the house of a relative, a lady who had married a merchant. The parties were glad to see him, and invited him to make their house his home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days, besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ——, my relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please get an order from Mr. ——; it will be the same as money." The horse was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf, which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?" said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that is all right, sir." "Yes—well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin." "Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not."

The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey Democrats:—"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last dollar—May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster, and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State rights—May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph of State wrongs." "Things we remember—Habeas corpus and trial by jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light of other days,when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery, shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition war for disunion—Let those who think it is right go to it, and those who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The war Democrat—A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union—Peace, mutual concession, and compromise."

A model certificate is the following:—"Dear doctor,—I will be one hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without stopping."

A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ——. A number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ——, of the New York ——, stated that nine different nations were represented in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English, &c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember. Lieutenant ——, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!" says the colonel, "that's it—Americans."

A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited in his room—contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed that you have abarrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well, what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the greatest ease."

"Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I, golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face." "Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why, no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright, that you might see to pick up a pin."

Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course.

In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville, in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sadresults. But what woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long, joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed and panted and wept forth its expression.

A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover his mistake until informed by thecat.

We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment, for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and fourth:—

"That man must lead a happy lifeWho is directed by a wife;Who's freed from matrimonial claimsIs sure to suffer for his pains."Adam could find no solid peaceTill he beheld a woman's face;When Eve was given him for a mate,Adam was in a happy state."In all the female race appearTruth, darling of a heart sincere,Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,In woman never did reside."What tongue is able to unfoldThe worth in woman we behold?The failings that in woman dwellAre almost imperceptible."Confusion take the men, I say,Who no regard to women pay.Who make the women their delightKeep always reason in their sight."

"That man must lead a happy lifeWho is directed by a wife;Who's freed from matrimonial claimsIs sure to suffer for his pains."Adam could find no solid peaceTill he beheld a woman's face;When Eve was given him for a mate,Adam was in a happy state."In all the female race appearTruth, darling of a heart sincere,Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,In woman never did reside."What tongue is able to unfoldThe worth in woman we behold?The failings that in woman dwellAre almost imperceptible."Confusion take the men, I say,Who no regard to women pay.Who make the women their delightKeep always reason in their sight."

"That man must lead a happy lifeWho is directed by a wife;Who's freed from matrimonial claimsIs sure to suffer for his pains.

"Adam could find no solid peaceTill he beheld a woman's face;When Eve was given him for a mate,Adam was in a happy state.

"In all the female race appearTruth, darling of a heart sincere,Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,In woman never did reside.

"What tongue is able to unfoldThe worth in woman we behold?The failings that in woman dwellAre almost imperceptible.

"Confusion take the men, I say,Who no regard to women pay.Who make the women their delightKeep always reason in their sight."

Rev. G. D. ——, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine "forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is too good to be lost:—"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and put it on your shoulders for epaulettes—if you tear down the starry curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest—this will be as nothing compared to the glory of the saints."

TheSpringfield Republicanspeaks of a new invention for a hen's nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away.

One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she, "That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went. Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you sayyes?" And then there was such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place, but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish.

"There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two roads tro dis world—the one am broad and narrow road, that leads to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say, my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world—the one am a broad and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods."

"There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles. What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips: "You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so." "Well, here are grandpa's spectacles—won't you take them to him?"

We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it. Read the following from a Western paper:—"In the late gale, birds were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's whiskers on!

A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt inevery lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant "Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and give the countersign."

A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock, on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away his hand very quick, and the man fell!

The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the following will show:—"Brethren,—Is there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance should pay the printer."

A jolly fellow had an office next door to a doctor's shop. One day a gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?" "Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?" "Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit.

A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered:"Why, I think there has been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the subject."

"Dear Miss T——, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.—Joseph C——."

Prentice, of theLouisville Journal, notices the presentation of a silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle, the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a barrel."

An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de 'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for 'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the general's horses."

Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a "little story," but often indulges in averitable joke. One of the latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster, in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception. "Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the mathematical definition of the straight line—length without breadth. "Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height), and made the following "brief remarks:"—"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln. That's the long and short of it."

"Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of openness when he smiles."

An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why—hic—why, the fact is—hic—a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes."

One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln, are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.' 'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last twelvemonth.'"

An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an engagement. "Whatrôlewould you prefer, my friend?" asked the manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't partial to rolls, nohow—corn-dodgers is my favourite."

Dr. A——, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr. L——, who addressed Dr. A—— as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A——. "Well," said Dr. L——, "a thing I never do is to take my patientsout to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A——; "the undertaker does it for you."

The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry. I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer, Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood. The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company; he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister, farewell!"

The editor of theBrooklyn Eagle, when arrested for hoaxing the New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln, addressed the following letter to theEaglefrom the walls of Lafayette:—"DearEagle,—In the language of the 'magnificent' Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here, which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it. Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance."

Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam? I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completelycured me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to my satisfaction.I was struck with lightningabout a year ago, but it didn't do me a mossel o' good!"

Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water, built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan. One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly. "Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys."

Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President lately, which terminated thus:—"'Is there any little thing I kin do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin, scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'"

A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white," responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your honour want more than this?"

In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour, he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record.

Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued according to what it will fetch or what it will bring?

A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me."

TheGreenfield Gazetteis responsible for the following rat story:—"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them, and they were caught the next morning."

"Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this afternoon."

The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle, who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and Regulations":—Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.; without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors, and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar. No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules will be shot.

What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless, and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis, supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also, and the third William Likewise.

A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ——, have you taken out a warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got hisaccount, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence."

Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?"

"A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No, sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens—supplying the New England banks pretty largely—and I suppose it will be proper for me to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes, and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,' said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous pedlar disappeared without another word."

One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He was oncecounsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed; and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did."

There was a traveller once, down South—say in the State of Georgia—who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown, was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs. "Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair, where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable part."

The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of his men, Billy G——, had received an excellent education, was of a good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house), receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came with his eyes allblood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family, good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that——" Here Billy's eyes sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain, did you say that—hic—I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes, I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually I—I—am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam expects—to—to—to get all thecardinal virtues for twelve dollars a month?"

A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas. The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:—

"When I was young I used to earnMy living without trouble;Had clothes and pocket-money too,And hours of pleasure double."I never dream'd of such a fate,When Ia-lasswas courted—Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper,chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally,doing the work of six,For the sake of being supported."

"When I was young I used to earnMy living without trouble;Had clothes and pocket-money too,And hours of pleasure double."I never dream'd of such a fate,When Ia-lasswas courted—Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper,chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally,doing the work of six,For the sake of being supported."

"When I was young I used to earnMy living without trouble;Had clothes and pocket-money too,And hours of pleasure double.

"I never dream'd of such a fate,When Ia-lasswas courted—

Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper,chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally,doing the work of six,

For the sake of being supported."

A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming, "That's good—it smells like home!"

A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent."

I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:—1. Are you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much? 6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.

Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta, Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting "jolly mellow," when Frank ——, a wag of an editor, was called on for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the other a tumblerof "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically: "Gentlemen, d—n the Kennebec!—and improve its navigation," and sat down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built.

It was Dow, jun.—sacred to his memory—who said that "Life is a country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and left. Bob your cocoanut—the figure is ended. Time hangs up the fiddle, and death puts out the lights."

A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said: "My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply.

An amusing incident says theSelinsgrove(Pa.)Post, occurred in one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for some minutes afterwards.

An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour. "Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away." Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey,holding the chalk in the palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back, she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a quarter of an inch thick.

Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening, when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly, in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:—"Do you think, Mary, you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he, "there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll mention it to him."

TheLowell Journalgives an account of a rich scene that occurred in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left in the first train.

When the editor of theBulletinsaid, "We are under conviction that," &c., the editor of theSunday Mercuryretorted: "This is not the first time that the editor of theBulletinhas beenunder conviction!"

At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity, the toast was given:—"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."

A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker.

TheSeneca Advertisertells the following:—The pastor of a certain church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago, when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following fashion:—"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the crinoline.)

A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison there:—"Wanted.—A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be 30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period. Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage stamps.—Asa Hartz."

TheCroydon Democratpublishes the following platform arranged to suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the second is the Abolition platform; andthe whole read together is the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union—as a whole it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other Abolition:—

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