CONTENTS.PageCaptain Reece1The Darned Mounseer6The Rival Curates8The Englishman13Only a Dancing Girl14The Disagreeable Man16General John18The Coming By-and-By22To a Little Maid24The Highly Respectable Gondolier26John and Freddy28The Fairy Queen's Song32Sir Guy the Crusader34Is Life a Boon?38Haunted39The Modern Major-General42The Bishop and the 'Busman44The Heavy Dragoon49The Troubadour51Proper Pride56Ferdinando and Elvira; or, the Gentle Pieman58The Policeman's Lot63Lorenzo de Lardy64The Baffled Grumbler69Disillusioned71The House of Peers74Babette's Love76A Merry Madrigal81To my Bride82The Duke and the Duchess84The Folly of Brown87Eheu Fugaces—!92Sir Macklin94They'll None of 'em be Missed99The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell"101Girl Graduates106The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo108Braid the Raven Hair113The Precocious Baby114The Working Monarch119To Phœbe122The Ape and the Lady123Baines Carew, Gentleman125Only Roses130Thomas Winterbottom Hance131The Rover's Apology136A Discontented Sugar Broker138An Appeal143The Pantomime "Super" to his Mask144The Reward of Merit146The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, and the Goblin148The Magnet and the Churn153King Borria Bungalee Boo155The Family Fool161The Periwinkle Girl164Sans Souci169Thomson Green and Harriet Hale171A Recipe175Bob Polter176The Merryman and his Maid182Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen185The Susceptible Chancellor191Peter the Wag193When a Merry Maiden Marries198The Three Kings of Chickeraboo200The British Tar204Gentle Alice Brown205A Man who would Woo a Fair Maid209The Sorcerer's Song211The Bumboat Woman's Story214The Fickle Breeze219The Two Ogres221The First Lord's Song227Little Oliver229Mister William235Would you Know?240Pasha Bailey Ben242Lieutenant-Colonel Flare248Speculation254Ah Me!255Lost Mr. Blake256The Duke of Plaza-Toro262The Baby's Vengeance265The Æsthete271The Captain and the Mermaids273Said I to Myself, Said I278Annie Protheroe280Sorry her Lot286An Unfortunate Likeness287The Contemplative Sentry292Gregory Parable, LL.D.294The Philosophic Pill299The King of Canoodle-dum301Blue Blood307First Love309The Judge's Song315Brave Alum Bey317When I First put this Uniform on322Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo324Solatium329The Modest Couple330A Nightmare335The Martinet338Don't Forget!345The Sailor Boy to his Lass348The Suicide's Grave354The Reverend Simon Magus356He and She361Damonv.Pythias363The Mighty Must367My Dream368A Mirage374The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo Again376The Ghosts' High Noon381A Worm will Turn383The Humane Mikado388The Haughty Actor391Willow Waly!397The Two Majors399Life is Lovely all the Year403Emily, John, James, and I405The Usher's Charge411The Perils of Invisibility413The Great Oak Tree418Old Paul and Old Tim420King Goodheart424The Mystic Selvagee426Sleep on!431The Cunning Woman433The Love-sick Boy439Phrenology440Poetry Everywhere445The Fairy Curate446He Loves!453The Way of Wooing454True Diffidence458Hongree and Mahry460The Tangled Skein466The Reverend Micah Sowls467My Lady471One against the World473The Force of Argument475Put a Penny in the Slot480Good Little Girls482The Phantom Curate484Life487Limited Liability490The Sensation Captain492Anglicised Utopia497An English Girl499Tempora Mutantur501A Manager's Perplexities504Out of Sorts506At a Pantomime508How it's Done512A Classical Revival515The Story of Prince Agib518The Practical Joker523The National Anthem526Joe Golightly; or, the First Lord's Daughter528Her Terms534The Independent Bee536To the Terrestrial Globe539Etiquette541The Disconcerted Tenor547Ben Allah Achmet; or, the Fatal Tum549The Played-out Humorist553Index to First Lines555Alphabetical Index to Titles561
CONTENTS.
THE BAB BALLADS
Ofall the ships upon the blueNo ship contained a better crewThan that of worthyCaptain Reece,Commanding ofThe Mantelpiece.He was adored by all his men,For worthyCaptain Reece, R.N.,Did all that lay within him toPromote the comfort of his crew.If ever they were dull or sad,Their captain danced to them like mad,Or told, to make the time pass by.Droll legends of his infancy.A feather bed had every man,Warm slippers and hot-water can,Brown Windsor from the captain's store,A valet, too, to every four.Did they with thirst in summer burn?Lo, seltzogenes at every turn,And on all very sultry daysCream ices handed round on trays.Then currant wine and ginger popsStood handily on all the "tops";And, also, with amusement rife,A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."New volumes came across the seaFromMister Mudie'slibraree;The TimesandSaturday ReviewBeguiled the leisure of the crew.Kind-heartedCaptain Reece, R.N.,Was quite devoted to his men;In point of fact, goodCaptain ReeceBeatifiedThe Mantelpiece.One summer eve, at half-past ten,He said (addressing all his men):"Come, tell me, please, what I can doTo please and gratify my crew?"By any reasonable planI'll make you happy, if I can;My own convenience count asnil;It is my duty, and I will."Then up and answeredWilliam Lee(The kindly captain's coxswain he,A nervous, shy, low-spoken man),He cleared his throat and thus began:"You have a daughter,Captain Reece,Ten female cousins and a niece,A ma, if what I'm told is true,Six sisters, and an aunt or two."Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,More friendly-like we all should beIf you united of 'em toUnmarried members of the crew."If you'd ameliorate our life,Let each select from them a wife;And as for nervous me, old pal,Give me your own enchanting gal!"GoodCaptain Reece, that worthy man,Debated on his coxswain's plan:"I quite agree," he said, "OBill;It is my duty, and I will."My daughter, that enchanting gurl,Has just been promised to an earl,And all my other familee,To peers of various degree."But what are dukes and viscounts toThe happiness of all my crew?The word I gave you I'll fulfil;It is my duty, and I will."As you desire it shall befall,I'll settle thousands on you all,And I shall be, despite my hoard,The only bachelor on board."The boatswain ofThe Mantelpiece,He blushed and spoke toCaptain Reece."I beg your honour's leave," he said,"If you would wish to go and wed,"I have a widowed mother whoWould be the very thing for you—She long has loved you from afar,She washes for you,CaptainR."The captain saw the dame that day—Addressed her in his playful way—"And did it want a wedding ring?It was a tempting ickle sing!"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek,We'll all be married this day week—At yonder church upon the hill;It is my duty, and I will!"The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece,And widowed ma ofCaptain Reece,Attended there as they were bid;It was their duty, and they did.
Ofall the ships upon the blueNo ship contained a better crewThan that of worthyCaptain Reece,Commanding ofThe Mantelpiece.He was adored by all his men,For worthyCaptain Reece, R.N.,Did all that lay within him toPromote the comfort of his crew.If ever they were dull or sad,Their captain danced to them like mad,Or told, to make the time pass by.Droll legends of his infancy.A feather bed had every man,Warm slippers and hot-water can,Brown Windsor from the captain's store,A valet, too, to every four.Did they with thirst in summer burn?Lo, seltzogenes at every turn,And on all very sultry daysCream ices handed round on trays.Then currant wine and ginger popsStood handily on all the "tops";And, also, with amusement rife,A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."New volumes came across the seaFromMister Mudie'slibraree;The TimesandSaturday ReviewBeguiled the leisure of the crew.Kind-heartedCaptain Reece, R.N.,Was quite devoted to his men;In point of fact, goodCaptain ReeceBeatifiedThe Mantelpiece.One summer eve, at half-past ten,He said (addressing all his men):"Come, tell me, please, what I can doTo please and gratify my crew?"By any reasonable planI'll make you happy, if I can;My own convenience count asnil;It is my duty, and I will."Then up and answeredWilliam Lee(The kindly captain's coxswain he,A nervous, shy, low-spoken man),He cleared his throat and thus began:"You have a daughter,Captain Reece,Ten female cousins and a niece,A ma, if what I'm told is true,Six sisters, and an aunt or two."Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,More friendly-like we all should beIf you united of 'em toUnmarried members of the crew."If you'd ameliorate our life,Let each select from them a wife;And as for nervous me, old pal,Give me your own enchanting gal!"GoodCaptain Reece, that worthy man,Debated on his coxswain's plan:"I quite agree," he said, "OBill;It is my duty, and I will."My daughter, that enchanting gurl,Has just been promised to an earl,And all my other familee,To peers of various degree."But what are dukes and viscounts toThe happiness of all my crew?The word I gave you I'll fulfil;It is my duty, and I will."As you desire it shall befall,I'll settle thousands on you all,And I shall be, despite my hoard,The only bachelor on board."The boatswain ofThe Mantelpiece,He blushed and spoke toCaptain Reece."I beg your honour's leave," he said,"If you would wish to go and wed,"I have a widowed mother whoWould be the very thing for you—She long has loved you from afar,She washes for you,CaptainR."The captain saw the dame that day—Addressed her in his playful way—"And did it want a wedding ring?It was a tempting ickle sing!"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek,We'll all be married this day week—At yonder church upon the hill;It is my duty, and I will!"The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece,And widowed ma ofCaptain Reece,Attended there as they were bid;It was their duty, and they did.
Ofall the ships upon the blueNo ship contained a better crewThan that of worthyCaptain Reece,Commanding ofThe Mantelpiece.
Ofall the ships upon the blue
No ship contained a better crew
Than that of worthyCaptain Reece,
Commanding ofThe Mantelpiece.
He was adored by all his men,For worthyCaptain Reece, R.N.,Did all that lay within him toPromote the comfort of his crew.
He was adored by all his men,
For worthyCaptain Reece, R.N.,
Did all that lay within him to
Promote the comfort of his crew.
If ever they were dull or sad,Their captain danced to them like mad,Or told, to make the time pass by.Droll legends of his infancy.
If ever they were dull or sad,
Their captain danced to them like mad,
Or told, to make the time pass by.
Droll legends of his infancy.
A feather bed had every man,Warm slippers and hot-water can,Brown Windsor from the captain's store,A valet, too, to every four.
A feather bed had every man,
Warm slippers and hot-water can,
Brown Windsor from the captain's store,
A valet, too, to every four.
Did they with thirst in summer burn?Lo, seltzogenes at every turn,And on all very sultry daysCream ices handed round on trays.
Did they with thirst in summer burn?
Lo, seltzogenes at every turn,
And on all very sultry days
Cream ices handed round on trays.
Then currant wine and ginger popsStood handily on all the "tops";And, also, with amusement rife,A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."
Then currant wine and ginger pops
Stood handily on all the "tops";
And, also, with amusement rife,
A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."
New volumes came across the seaFromMister Mudie'slibraree;The TimesandSaturday ReviewBeguiled the leisure of the crew.
New volumes came across the sea
FromMister Mudie'slibraree;
The TimesandSaturday Review
Beguiled the leisure of the crew.
Kind-heartedCaptain Reece, R.N.,Was quite devoted to his men;In point of fact, goodCaptain ReeceBeatifiedThe Mantelpiece.
Kind-heartedCaptain Reece, R.N.,
Was quite devoted to his men;
In point of fact, goodCaptain Reece
BeatifiedThe Mantelpiece.
One summer eve, at half-past ten,He said (addressing all his men):"Come, tell me, please, what I can doTo please and gratify my crew?
One summer eve, at half-past ten,
He said (addressing all his men):
"Come, tell me, please, what I can do
To please and gratify my crew?
"By any reasonable planI'll make you happy, if I can;My own convenience count asnil;It is my duty, and I will."
"By any reasonable plan
I'll make you happy, if I can;
My own convenience count asnil;
It is my duty, and I will."
Then up and answeredWilliam Lee(The kindly captain's coxswain he,A nervous, shy, low-spoken man),He cleared his throat and thus began:
Then up and answeredWilliam Lee
(The kindly captain's coxswain he,
A nervous, shy, low-spoken man),
He cleared his throat and thus began:
"You have a daughter,Captain Reece,Ten female cousins and a niece,A ma, if what I'm told is true,Six sisters, and an aunt or two.
"You have a daughter,Captain Reece,
Ten female cousins and a niece,
A ma, if what I'm told is true,
Six sisters, and an aunt or two.
"Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,More friendly-like we all should beIf you united of 'em toUnmarried members of the crew.
"Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,
More friendly-like we all should be
If you united of 'em to
Unmarried members of the crew.
"If you'd ameliorate our life,Let each select from them a wife;And as for nervous me, old pal,Give me your own enchanting gal!"
"If you'd ameliorate our life,
Let each select from them a wife;
And as for nervous me, old pal,
Give me your own enchanting gal!"
GoodCaptain Reece, that worthy man,Debated on his coxswain's plan:"I quite agree," he said, "OBill;It is my duty, and I will.
GoodCaptain Reece, that worthy man,
Debated on his coxswain's plan:
"I quite agree," he said, "OBill;
It is my duty, and I will.
"My daughter, that enchanting gurl,Has just been promised to an earl,And all my other familee,To peers of various degree.
"My daughter, that enchanting gurl,
Has just been promised to an earl,
And all my other familee,
To peers of various degree.
"But what are dukes and viscounts toThe happiness of all my crew?The word I gave you I'll fulfil;It is my duty, and I will.
"But what are dukes and viscounts to
The happiness of all my crew?
The word I gave you I'll fulfil;
It is my duty, and I will.
"As you desire it shall befall,I'll settle thousands on you all,And I shall be, despite my hoard,The only bachelor on board."
"As you desire it shall befall,
I'll settle thousands on you all,
And I shall be, despite my hoard,
The only bachelor on board."
The boatswain ofThe Mantelpiece,He blushed and spoke toCaptain Reece."I beg your honour's leave," he said,"If you would wish to go and wed,
The boatswain ofThe Mantelpiece,
He blushed and spoke toCaptain Reece.
"I beg your honour's leave," he said,
"If you would wish to go and wed,
"I have a widowed mother whoWould be the very thing for you—She long has loved you from afar,She washes for you,CaptainR."
"I have a widowed mother who
Would be the very thing for you—
She long has loved you from afar,
She washes for you,CaptainR."
The captain saw the dame that day—Addressed her in his playful way—"And did it want a wedding ring?It was a tempting ickle sing!
The captain saw the dame that day—
Addressed her in his playful way—
"And did it want a wedding ring?
It was a tempting ickle sing!
"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek,We'll all be married this day week—At yonder church upon the hill;It is my duty, and I will!"
"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek,
We'll all be married this day week—
At yonder church upon the hill;
It is my duty, and I will!"
The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece,And widowed ma ofCaptain Reece,Attended there as they were bid;It was their duty, and they did.
The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece,
And widowed ma ofCaptain Reece,
Attended there as they were bid;
It was their duty, and they did.
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,And, off Cape Finisteere,A merchantman we see,A Frenchman, going free,So we made for the bold Mounseer,D'ye see?We made for the bold Mounseer!But she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her ports,And fires with a thirty-two!It come uncommon near,But we answered with a cheer,Which paralysed the Parley-voo,D'ye see?Which paralysed the Parley-voo!Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,"That chap we need not fear,—We can take her, if we like,She is sartin for to strike,For she's only a darned Mounseer,D'ye see?She's only a darned Mounseer!But to fight a French fal-lal—it's like hittin' of a gal—It's a lubberly thing for to do;For we, with all our faults,Why, we're sturdy British salts,While she's but a Parley-voo,D'ye see?A miserable Parley-voo!"So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze,As we gives a compassionating cheer;Froggee answers with a shoutAs he sees us go about,Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,D'ye see?Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek(Which is what them furriners do),And they blessed their lucky starsWe were hardy British tarsWho had pity on a poor Parley-voo,D'ye see?Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,And, off Cape Finisteere,A merchantman we see,A Frenchman, going free,So we made for the bold Mounseer,D'ye see?We made for the bold Mounseer!But she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her ports,And fires with a thirty-two!It come uncommon near,But we answered with a cheer,Which paralysed the Parley-voo,D'ye see?Which paralysed the Parley-voo!Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,"That chap we need not fear,—We can take her, if we like,She is sartin for to strike,For she's only a darned Mounseer,D'ye see?She's only a darned Mounseer!But to fight a French fal-lal—it's like hittin' of a gal—It's a lubberly thing for to do;For we, with all our faults,Why, we're sturdy British salts,While she's but a Parley-voo,D'ye see?A miserable Parley-voo!"So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze,As we gives a compassionating cheer;Froggee answers with a shoutAs he sees us go about,Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,D'ye see?Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek(Which is what them furriners do),And they blessed their lucky starsWe were hardy British tarsWho had pity on a poor Parley-voo,D'ye see?Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,And, off Cape Finisteere,A merchantman we see,A Frenchman, going free,So we made for the bold Mounseer,D'ye see?We made for the bold Mounseer!But she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her ports,And fires with a thirty-two!It come uncommon near,But we answered with a cheer,Which paralysed the Parley-voo,D'ye see?Which paralysed the Parley-voo!
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,
And, off Cape Finisteere,
A merchantman we see,
A Frenchman, going free,
So we made for the bold Mounseer,
D'ye see?
We made for the bold Mounseer!
But she proved to be a Frigate—and she up with her ports,
And fires with a thirty-two!
It come uncommon near,
But we answered with a cheer,
Which paralysed the Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
Which paralysed the Parley-voo!
Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,"That chap we need not fear,—We can take her, if we like,She is sartin for to strike,For she's only a darned Mounseer,D'ye see?She's only a darned Mounseer!But to fight a French fal-lal—it's like hittin' of a gal—It's a lubberly thing for to do;For we, with all our faults,Why, we're sturdy British salts,While she's but a Parley-voo,D'ye see?A miserable Parley-voo!"
Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,
"That chap we need not fear,—
We can take her, if we like,
She is sartin for to strike,
For she's only a darned Mounseer,
D'ye see?
She's only a darned Mounseer!
But to fight a French fal-lal—it's like hittin' of a gal—
It's a lubberly thing for to do;
For we, with all our faults,
Why, we're sturdy British salts,
While she's but a Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
A miserable Parley-voo!"
So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze,As we gives a compassionating cheer;Froggee answers with a shoutAs he sees us go about,Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,D'ye see?Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek(Which is what them furriners do),And they blessed their lucky starsWe were hardy British tarsWho had pity on a poor Parley-voo,D'ye see?Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!
So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze,
As we gives a compassionating cheer;
Froggee answers with a shout
As he sees us go about,
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,
D'ye see?
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer!
And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek
(Which is what them furriners do),
And they blessed their lucky stars
We were hardy British tars
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo!