THE JUDGE'S SONG

Aclergymanin Berkshire dwelt,TheReverend Bernard Powles,And in his church there weekly kneltAt least a hundred souls.There littleEllenyou might see,The modest rustic belle;In maidenly simplicity,She loved herBernardwell.ThoughEllenwore a plain silk gownUntrimmed with lace or fur,Yet not a husband in the townBut wished his wife like her.Though sterner memories might fade.You never could forgetThe child-form of that baby-maid,The Village Violet!A simple frightened loveliness,Whose sacred spirit-partShrank timidly from worldly stress,And nestled in your heart.Powleswoo'd with every well-worn planAnd all the usual wilesWith which a well-schooled gentlemanA simple heart beguiles.The hackneyed compliments that boreWorld-folks like you and me,Appeared to her as if they woreThe crown of Poesy.His winking eyelid sang a songHer heart could understand,Eternity seemed scarce too longWhenBernardsqueezed her hand.He ordered down the martial crewOfGodfrey'sGrenadiers,AndCooteconspired withTinneytoEcstaticise her ears.Beneath her window, veiled from eye,They nightly took their stand;On birthdays supplemented byThe Covent Garden band.And littleEllen, all alone,Enraptured sat above,And thought how blest she was to ownThe wealth ofPowles'slove.I often, often wonder whatPoorEllensaw in him;For calculated he wasnotTo please a woman's whim.He wasn't good, despite the airAn M.B. waistcoat gives;Indeed, his dearest friends declareNo greater humbug lives.No kind of virtue decked this priest,He'd nothing to allure;He wasn't handsome in the least,—He wasn't even poor.No—he was cursed with acres fat(A Christian's direst ban),And gold—yet, notwithstanding that,PoorEllenloved the man.As unlikeBernardas could beWas poor oldAaron Wood(DisgracefulBernard'scurate he):He was extremely good.ABayardin his moral pluckWithout reproach or fear,A quiet venerable duckWith fifty pounds a year.No fault had he—no fad, exceptA tendency to strum,In mode at which you would have wept,A dull harmonium.He had no gold with which to hireThe minstrels who could bestConvey a notion of the fireThat raged within his breast.And so, whenCooteandTinney'sOwnHad tootled all they knew,And when the Guards, completely blown,Exhaustedly withdrew,AndNellbegan to sleepy feel,PoorAaronthen would come,And underneath her window wheelHis plain harmonium.He woke her every morn at two,And having gained her ear,In vivid coloursAarondrewThe sluggard's grim career.He warbled Apiarian praise,And taught her in his chantTo shun the dog's pugnacious ways,And imitate the ant.StillNellseemed not, how much he played,To love him out and out,Although the admirable maidRespected him, no doubt.She told him of her early vow,And said asBernard'swifeIt might be hers to show him howTo rectify his life."You are so pure, so kind, so true,Your goodness shines so bright,What use wouldEllenbe to you?Believe me, you're all right."She wished him happiness and healthAnd flew on lightning wingsToBernardwith his dangerous wealthAnd all the woes it brings.THE JUDGE'S SONGWhenI, good friends, was called to the Bar,I'd an appetite fresh and hearty,But I was, as many young barristers are,An impecunious party.I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—A brief which was brought by a booby—A couple of shirts and a collar or two,And a ring that looked like a ruby!In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,Like a semi-despondent fury;For I thought I should never hit on a chanceOf addressing a British Jury—But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,And dinners of bread and water;So I fell in love with a rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes,And replied to my fond professions:"You shall reap the reward of your enterprise,At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,"And a very nice girl you'll find her—She may very well pass for forty-threeIn the dusk, with a light behind her!"The rich attorney was as good as his word:The briefs came trooping gaily,And every day my voice was heardAt the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.All thieves who could my fees affordRelied on my orations,And many a burglar I've restoredTo his friends and his relations.At length I became as rich as theGurneys—An incubus then I thought her,So I threw over that rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney my character highTried vainly to disparage—And now, if you please, I'm ready to tryThis Breach of Promise of Marriage!BRAVE ALUM BEYOh, big was the bosom of braveAlum Bey,And also the region that under it lay,In safety and peril remarkably cool,And he dwelt on the banks of the river Stamboul.Each morning he went to his garden, to cullA bunch of zenana or sprig of bul-bul,And offered the bouquet, in exquisite bloom,ToBacksheesh, the daughter ofRahat Lakoum.No maiden likeBacksheeshcould tastily cookA kettle of kismet or joint of tchibouk,AsAlum, brave fellow! sat pensively by,With a bright sympathetic ka-bob in his eye.Stern duty compelled him to leave her one day—(A ship's supercargo was braveAlum Bey)—To pretty youngBacksheeshhe made a salaam,And sailed to the isle of Seringapatam."OAlum," said she, "think again, ere you go—Hareems may arise and Moguls they may blow;You may strike on a fez, or be drowned, which is wuss!"ButAlumembraced her and spoke to her thus:"Cease weeping, fairBacksheesh! I willingly swearCork jackets and trousers I always will wear,And I also throw in a large number of oathsThat I never—no,never—will take off my clothes!"They left Madagascar away on their right,And made Clapham Common the following night,Then lay on their oars for a fortnight or two,Becalmed in the ocean of Honolulu.One dayAlumsaw, with alarm in his breast,A cloud on the nor-sow-sow-nor-sow-nor-west;The wind it arose, and the crew gave a scream,For they knew it—they knew it!—the dreaded Hareem!!The mast it went over, and so did the sails,BraveAlumthrew over his casks and his bales;The billows arose as the weather grew thick,And all exceptAlumwere terribly sick.The crew were but three, but they holloa'd for nine,They howled and they blubbered with wail and with whine:The skipper he fainted away in the fore,For he hadn't the heart for to skip any more."Ho, coward!" saidAlum, "with heart of a child!Thou son of a party whose grave is defiled!IsAlumin terror? isAlumafeard?Ho! ho! If you had one I'd laugh at your beard."His eyeball it gleamed like a furnace of coke;He boldly inflated his clothes as he spoke;He daringly felt for the corks on his chest,And he recklessly tightened the belt at his breast.For he knew, the braveAlum, that, happen what might,With belts and cork-jacketing,hewas all right;Though others might sink, he was certain to swim,—No Hareem whatever had terrors for him!They begged him to spare from his personal storeA single cork garment—they asked for no more;But he couldn't, because of the number of oathsThat he never—no, never!—would take off his clothes.The billows dash o'er them and topple around,They see they are pretty near sure to be drowned.A terrible wave o'er the quarter-deck breaks,And the vessel it sinks in a couple of shakes!The dreadful Hareem, though it knows how to blow,Expends all its strength in a minute or so;When the vessel had foundered, as I have detailed,The tempest subsided, and quiet prevailed.One seized on a cork with a yelling "Ha! ha!"(Its bottle had 'prisoned a pint of Pacha)—Another a toothpick—another a tray—"Alas! it is useless!" said braveAlum Bey."To holloa and kick is a very bad plan:Get it over, my tulips, as soon as you can;You'd better lay hold of a good lump of lead,And cling to it tightly until you are dead."Just raise your hands over your pretty heads—so—Right down to the bottom you're certain to go.Ta! ta! I'm afraid we shall not meet again"—For the truly courageous are truly humane.BraveAlumwas picked up the very next day—A man-o'-war sighted him smoking away;With hunger and cold he was ready to drop,So they sent him below and they gave him a chop.O reader, or readress, whichever you be,You weep for the crew who have sunk in the sea?O reader, or readress, read farther, and dryThe bright sympathetic ka-bob in your eye.That ship had a grapple with three iron spikes,—It's lowered, and, ha! on a something it strikes!They haul it aboard with a British "heave-ho!"And what it has fished up the drawing will show.There wasWilson, andParker, andTomlinson, too—(The first was the captain, the others the crew)—As lively and spry as a Malabar ape,Quite pleased and surprised at their happy escape.AndAlum, brave fellow, who stood in the fore,And never expected to look on them more,Was really delighted to see them again,For the truly courageous are truly humane.WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ONWhenI first put this uniform on,I said, as I looked in the glass,"It's one to a millionThat any civilianMy figure and form will surpass.Gold lace has a charm for the fair,And I've plenty of that, and to spare.While a lover's professions,When uttered in Hessians,Are eloquent everywhere!"A fact that I counted upon,When I first put this uniform on!I said, when I first put it on,"It is plain to the veriest dunceThat every beautyWill feel it her dutyTo yield to its glamour at once.They will see that I'm freely gold-lacedIn a uniform handsome and chaste"—But the peripateticsOf long-haired æsthetics,Are very much more to their taste—Which I never counted uponWhen I first put this uniform on.SIR BARNABY BAMPTON BOOThisisSir Barnaby Bampton BooLast of a noble race,Barnaby Bampton, coming to woo,All at a deuce of a pace.Barnaby Bampton Boo,Here is a health to you:Here is wishing you luck, you elderly buck—Barnaby Bampton Boo!The excellent women of TuptonveeKnewSir Barnaby Boo;One of them surely his bride would be,But dickens a soul knew who.Women of Tuptonvee,Here is a health to ye:For a Baronet, dears, you would cut off your ears,Women of Tuptonvee!Here are oldMr.andMrs. de Plow(Peterhis Christian name),They kept seven oxen, a pig, and a cow—Farming it was their game.Worthy oldPeter de Plow,Here is a health to thou:Your race isn't run, though you're seventy-one,Worthy oldPeter de Plow!To excellentMr.andMrs. de PlowCameSir Barnaby Boo,He asked for their daughter, and told 'em as howHe was as rich as a Jew.Barnaby Bampton'swealth,Here is your jolly good health:I'd never repine if you came to be mine,Barnaby Bampton'swealth!"O greatSir Barnaby Bampton Boo"(Said Plow to that titled swell),"My missus has given me daughters two—AmeliaandVolatile Nell!"AmeliaandVolatile Nell,I hope you're uncommonly well:You two pretty pearls—you extremely nice girls—AmeliaandVolatile Nell!"Ameliais passable only, in face,But, oh! she's a worthy girl;Superior morals like hers would graceThe home of a belted Earl."Morality, heavenly link!To you I'll eternally drink:I'm awfully fond of that heavenly bond,Morality, heavenly link!"NowNelly'sthe prettier, p'raps, of my gals,But, oh! she's a wayward chit;She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals,And doesn't readTuppera bit!"OTupper, philosopher true,How do you happen to do?A publisher looks with respect on your books,For theydosell, philosopher true!The Bart. (I'll be hanged if I drink him again,Or care if he's ill or well),He sneered at the goodness ofMilly the Plain,And cottoned toVolatile Nell!OVolatile Nelly de P.!Be hanged if I'll empty to thee:I like worthy maids, not mere frivolous jades,Volatile Nelly de P.!They bolted, the Bart. and his frivolous dear,AndMillywas left to pout;For years they've got on very well, as I hear,But soon he will rue it, no doubt.O excellentMilly de Plow,I really can't drink to you now;My head isn't strong, and the song has been long,ExcellentMilly de Plow!SOLATIUMComesthe broken flower—Comes the cheated maid—Though the tempest lower,Rain and cloud will fade!Take, O maid, these posies:Though thy beauty rareShame the blushing roses,They are passing fair!Wear the flowers till they fade;Happy be thy life, O maid!O'er the season vernal,Time may cast a shade;Sunshine, if eternal,Makes the roses fade:Time may do his duty;Let the thief alone—Winter hath a beautyThat is all his own.Fairest days are sun and shade:Happy be thy life, O maid!THE MODEST COUPLEWhenman and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye,I always droop my own—I am the shyest of the shy.I'm also fond of bashfulness, and sitting down on thorns,For modesty's a quality that womankind adorns.Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid,My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid;I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red,For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred.But still in all these matters, as in other things below,There is a proper medium, as I'm about to show.I do not recommend a newly-married pair to tryTo carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh.Betrothed they were when very young—before they'd learnt to speak(ForSarahwas but six days old, andPeterwas a week);Though little more than babies at those early ages, yetThey bashfully would faint when they occasionally met.They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine,WhenPeter'sgood papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine)Determined to endeavour some sound argument to findTo bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind.He told them that asSarahwas to be hisPeter'sbride,They might at least consent to sit at table side by side;He begged that they would now and then shake hands, till he was hoarse,WhichSarahthought indelicate, andPetervery coarse.AndPeterin a tremble to the blushing maid would say,"You must excuse papa,Miss Bligh,—it is his mountain way."SaysSarah, "His behaviour I'll endeavour to forget,But your papa's the coarsest person that I ever met."He plighted us without our leave, when we were very young,Before we had begun articulating with the tongue.His underbred suggestions fill your Sarah with alarm;Why, gracious me! he'll ask us next to walk out arm-in-arm!"At length whenSarahreached the legal age of twenty-one,The Baron he determined to unite her to his son;AndSarahin a fainting-fit for weeks unconscious lay,AndPeterblushed so hard you might have heard him miles away.And when the time arrived for takingSarahto his heart,They were married in two churches half-a-dozen miles apart(Intending to escape all public ridicule and chaff),And the service was conducted by electric telegraph.And when it was concluded, and the priest had said his say,Until the time arrived when they were both to drive away,They never spoke or offered for to fondle or to fawn,Forhewaited in the attic, andshewaited on the lawn.At length, when four o'clock arrived, and it was time to go,The carriage was announced, but decentSarahanswered "No!Upon my word, I'd rather sleep my everlasting nap,Than go and ride alone withMr. Peterin a trap."AndPeter'sover-sensitive and highly-polished mindWouldn't suffer him to sanction a proceeding of the kind;And further, he declared he suffered overwhelming shocksAt the bare idea of having any coachman on the box.SoPeterinto one turn-out incontinently rushed,WhileSarahin a second trap sat modestly and blushed;AndMr. Newman'scoachman, on authority I've heard,Drove away in gallant style upon the coach-box of a third.Now, though this modest couple in the matter of the carWere very likely carrying a principle too far,I hold their shy behaviour was more laudable in themThan that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.Alphonso, who in cool assurance all creation licks,He up and said to Emmie (who had impudence for six),"Miss Emily, I love you—will you marry? Say the word!"AndEmilysaid, "Certainly,Alphonso, like a bird!"I do not recommend a newly-married pair to tryTo carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh,But still their shy behaviour was more laudable in themThan that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.A NIGHTMAREWhenyou're lying awake with a dismal headache, andrepose is taboo'd by anxiety,I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulgein without impropriety;For your brain is on fire—the bedclothes conspire of usualslumber to plunder you:First your counterpane goes and uncovers your toes, and your sheetslips demurely from under you;Then the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles,so terribly sharp is the pricking,And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and tosstill there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, andyou pick 'em all up in a tangle;Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain atits usual angle!Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hoteyeballs and head ever aching,But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams thatyou'd very much better be waking;For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossingabout in a steamer from Harwich,Which is something between a large bathing-machine anda very small second-class carriage;And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to aparty of friends and relations—They're a ravenous horde—and they all came on board atSloane Square and South Kensington Stations.And bound on that journey you find your attorney (whostarted that morning from Devon);He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised whenhe tells you he's only eleven.Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by thebye the ship's now a four-wheeler),And you're playing round games, and he calls you badnames when you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, andyou find you're as cold as an icicle,In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with goldclocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:And he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they'vesomehow or other invested in—And he's telling the tars all the particularsof a companyhe's interested in—It's a scheme of devices to get at low prices all goodsfrom cough mixtures to cables(Which tickled the sailors) by treating retailers as thoughthey were all vegetables—You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman(first take off his boots with a boot-tree),And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, andthey'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree—From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,While the pastry-cook plant cherry-brandy will grant—applepuffs, and three-corners, and banberries—The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken byRothschild and Baring,And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with ashudder despairing—You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and nowonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, andyou've needles and pins from your soles to yourshins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg'sasleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly onyour nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverishtongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sensethat you haven't been sleeping in clover;But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, andthe night has been long—ditto, ditto my song—andthank goodness they're both of them over!THE MARTINETSometime ago, in simple verse,I sang the story trueOfCaptain Reece,The Mantelpiece,And all her happy crew.I showed how any captain mayAttach his men to him,If he but heeds their smallest needs,And studies every whim.Now mark how, by Draconic ruleAndhauteurill-advised,The noblest crew upon the blueMay be demoralised.When his ungrateful country placedKindReeceupon half-pay,Without much claimSir Berkelycame,And took command one day.Sir Berkelywas a martinet—A stern unyielding soul—Who ruled his ship by dint of whipAnd horrible black-hole.A sailor who was overcomeFrom having freely dined,And chanced to reel when at the wheel,He instantly confined!And tars who, when an action raged,Appeared alarmed or scared,And those below who wished to go,He very seldom spared.E'en he who smote his officerFor punishment was booked,And mutinies upon the seasHe rarely overlooked.In short, the happyMantelpieceWhere all had gone so well,Beneath that foolSir Berkely'sruleBecame a floating hell.When firstSir Berkelycame aboardHe read a speech to all,And told them how he'd made a vowTo act on duty's call.ThenWilliam Lee, he up and said(The captain's coxswain he):"We've heard the speech your honour's made,And werry pleased we be."We won't pretend, my lad, as howWe're glad to lose ourReece;Urbane, polite, he suited quiteThe saucyMantelpiece."But if your honour gives your mindTo study all our ways,With dance and song we'll jog alongAs in those happy days."I like your honour's looks, and feelYou're worthy of your sword.Your hand, my lad—I'm doosid gladTo welcome you aboard!"Sir Berkelylooked amazed, as thoughHe did not understand."Don't shake your head," goodWilliamsaid,"It is an honest hand."It's grasped a better hand than yourn—Come, gov'nor, I insist!"The Captain stared—the coxswain glared—The hand became a fist!"Down, upstart!" said the hardy salt;ButBerkelydodged his aim,And made him go in chains below:The seamen murmured "Shame!"He stopped all songs at 12P.M.,Stopped hornpipes when at sea,And swore his cot (or bunk) should notBe used by aught than he.He never joined their daily mess,Nor asked them to his own,But chaffed in gay and social wayThe officers alone.His First Lieutenant,Peter, wasAs useless as could be,A helpless stick, and always sickWhen there was any sea.This First Lieutenant proved to beHis foster-sisterMay,Who went to sea for love of he,In masculine array.And when he learnt the curious factDid he emotion show,Or dry her tears, or end her fearsBy marrying her? No!Or did he even try to sootheThis maiden in her teens?Oh no!—instead he made her wedThe Sergeant of Marines!Of course such Spartan disciplineWould make an angel fret.They drew a lot, and straightway shotThis fearful martinet.The Admiralty saw how illThey'd treatedCaptain Reece;He was restored once more aboardThe saucyMantelpiece.DON'T FORGET!

Aclergymanin Berkshire dwelt,TheReverend Bernard Powles,And in his church there weekly kneltAt least a hundred souls.

Aclergymanin Berkshire dwelt,

TheReverend Bernard Powles,

And in his church there weekly knelt

At least a hundred souls.

There littleEllenyou might see,The modest rustic belle;In maidenly simplicity,She loved herBernardwell.

There littleEllenyou might see,

The modest rustic belle;

In maidenly simplicity,

She loved herBernardwell.

ThoughEllenwore a plain silk gownUntrimmed with lace or fur,Yet not a husband in the townBut wished his wife like her.

ThoughEllenwore a plain silk gown

Untrimmed with lace or fur,

Yet not a husband in the town

But wished his wife like her.

Though sterner memories might fade.You never could forgetThe child-form of that baby-maid,The Village Violet!

Though sterner memories might fade.

You never could forget

The child-form of that baby-maid,

The Village Violet!

A simple frightened loveliness,Whose sacred spirit-partShrank timidly from worldly stress,And nestled in your heart.

A simple frightened loveliness,

Whose sacred spirit-part

Shrank timidly from worldly stress,

And nestled in your heart.

Powleswoo'd with every well-worn planAnd all the usual wilesWith which a well-schooled gentlemanA simple heart beguiles.

Powleswoo'd with every well-worn plan

And all the usual wiles

With which a well-schooled gentleman

A simple heart beguiles.

The hackneyed compliments that boreWorld-folks like you and me,Appeared to her as if they woreThe crown of Poesy.

The hackneyed compliments that bore

World-folks like you and me,

Appeared to her as if they wore

The crown of Poesy.

His winking eyelid sang a songHer heart could understand,Eternity seemed scarce too longWhenBernardsqueezed her hand.

His winking eyelid sang a song

Her heart could understand,

Eternity seemed scarce too long

WhenBernardsqueezed her hand.

He ordered down the martial crewOfGodfrey'sGrenadiers,AndCooteconspired withTinneytoEcstaticise her ears.

He ordered down the martial crew

OfGodfrey'sGrenadiers,

AndCooteconspired withTinneyto

Ecstaticise her ears.

Beneath her window, veiled from eye,They nightly took their stand;On birthdays supplemented byThe Covent Garden band.

Beneath her window, veiled from eye,

They nightly took their stand;

On birthdays supplemented by

The Covent Garden band.

And littleEllen, all alone,Enraptured sat above,And thought how blest she was to ownThe wealth ofPowles'slove.

And littleEllen, all alone,

Enraptured sat above,

And thought how blest she was to own

The wealth ofPowles'slove.

I often, often wonder whatPoorEllensaw in him;For calculated he wasnotTo please a woman's whim.

I often, often wonder what

PoorEllensaw in him;

For calculated he wasnot

To please a woman's whim.

He wasn't good, despite the airAn M.B. waistcoat gives;Indeed, his dearest friends declareNo greater humbug lives.

He wasn't good, despite the air

An M.B. waistcoat gives;

Indeed, his dearest friends declare

No greater humbug lives.

No kind of virtue decked this priest,He'd nothing to allure;He wasn't handsome in the least,—He wasn't even poor.

No kind of virtue decked this priest,

He'd nothing to allure;

He wasn't handsome in the least,—

He wasn't even poor.

No—he was cursed with acres fat(A Christian's direst ban),And gold—yet, notwithstanding that,PoorEllenloved the man.

No—he was cursed with acres fat

(A Christian's direst ban),

And gold—yet, notwithstanding that,

PoorEllenloved the man.

As unlikeBernardas could beWas poor oldAaron Wood(DisgracefulBernard'scurate he):He was extremely good.

As unlikeBernardas could be

Was poor oldAaron Wood

(DisgracefulBernard'scurate he):

He was extremely good.

ABayardin his moral pluckWithout reproach or fear,A quiet venerable duckWith fifty pounds a year.

ABayardin his moral pluck

Without reproach or fear,

A quiet venerable duck

With fifty pounds a year.

No fault had he—no fad, exceptA tendency to strum,In mode at which you would have wept,A dull harmonium.

No fault had he—no fad, except

A tendency to strum,

In mode at which you would have wept,

A dull harmonium.

He had no gold with which to hireThe minstrels who could bestConvey a notion of the fireThat raged within his breast.

He had no gold with which to hire

The minstrels who could best

Convey a notion of the fire

That raged within his breast.

And so, whenCooteandTinney'sOwnHad tootled all they knew,And when the Guards, completely blown,Exhaustedly withdrew,

And so, whenCooteandTinney'sOwn

Had tootled all they knew,

And when the Guards, completely blown,

Exhaustedly withdrew,

AndNellbegan to sleepy feel,PoorAaronthen would come,And underneath her window wheelHis plain harmonium.

AndNellbegan to sleepy feel,

PoorAaronthen would come,

And underneath her window wheel

His plain harmonium.

He woke her every morn at two,And having gained her ear,In vivid coloursAarondrewThe sluggard's grim career.

He woke her every morn at two,

And having gained her ear,

In vivid coloursAarondrew

The sluggard's grim career.

He warbled Apiarian praise,And taught her in his chantTo shun the dog's pugnacious ways,And imitate the ant.

He warbled Apiarian praise,

And taught her in his chant

To shun the dog's pugnacious ways,

And imitate the ant.

StillNellseemed not, how much he played,To love him out and out,Although the admirable maidRespected him, no doubt.

StillNellseemed not, how much he played,

To love him out and out,

Although the admirable maid

Respected him, no doubt.

She told him of her early vow,And said asBernard'swifeIt might be hers to show him howTo rectify his life.

She told him of her early vow,

And said asBernard'swife

It might be hers to show him how

To rectify his life.

"You are so pure, so kind, so true,Your goodness shines so bright,What use wouldEllenbe to you?Believe me, you're all right."

"You are so pure, so kind, so true,

Your goodness shines so bright,

What use wouldEllenbe to you?

Believe me, you're all right."

She wished him happiness and healthAnd flew on lightning wingsToBernardwith his dangerous wealthAnd all the woes it brings.

She wished him happiness and health

And flew on lightning wings

ToBernardwith his dangerous wealth

And all the woes it brings.

WhenI, good friends, was called to the Bar,I'd an appetite fresh and hearty,But I was, as many young barristers are,An impecunious party.I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—A brief which was brought by a booby—A couple of shirts and a collar or two,And a ring that looked like a ruby!In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,Like a semi-despondent fury;For I thought I should never hit on a chanceOf addressing a British Jury—But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,And dinners of bread and water;So I fell in love with a rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes,And replied to my fond professions:"You shall reap the reward of your enterprise,At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,"And a very nice girl you'll find her—She may very well pass for forty-threeIn the dusk, with a light behind her!"The rich attorney was as good as his word:The briefs came trooping gaily,And every day my voice was heardAt the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.All thieves who could my fees affordRelied on my orations,And many a burglar I've restoredTo his friends and his relations.At length I became as rich as theGurneys—An incubus then I thought her,So I threw over that rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney my character highTried vainly to disparage—And now, if you please, I'm ready to tryThis Breach of Promise of Marriage!

WhenI, good friends, was called to the Bar,

I'd an appetite fresh and hearty,

But I was, as many young barristers are,

An impecunious party.

I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—

A brief which was brought by a booby—

A couple of shirts and a collar or two,

And a ring that looked like a ruby!

In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,Like a semi-despondent fury;For I thought I should never hit on a chanceOf addressing a British Jury—But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,And dinners of bread and water;So I fell in love with a rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.

In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,

Like a semi-despondent fury;

For I thought I should never hit on a chance

Of addressing a British Jury—

But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,

And dinners of bread and water;

So I fell in love with a rich attorney's

Elderly, ugly daughter.

The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes,And replied to my fond professions:"You shall reap the reward of your enterprise,At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,"And a very nice girl you'll find her—She may very well pass for forty-threeIn the dusk, with a light behind her!"

The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes,

And replied to my fond professions:

"You shall reap the reward of your enterprise,

At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.

You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,

"And a very nice girl you'll find her—

She may very well pass for forty-three

In the dusk, with a light behind her!"

The rich attorney was as good as his word:The briefs came trooping gaily,And every day my voice was heardAt the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.All thieves who could my fees affordRelied on my orations,And many a burglar I've restoredTo his friends and his relations.

The rich attorney was as good as his word:

The briefs came trooping gaily,

And every day my voice was heard

At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.

All thieves who could my fees afford

Relied on my orations,

And many a burglar I've restored

To his friends and his relations.

At length I became as rich as theGurneys—An incubus then I thought her,So I threw over that rich attorney'sElderly, ugly daughter.The rich attorney my character highTried vainly to disparage—And now, if you please, I'm ready to tryThis Breach of Promise of Marriage!

At length I became as rich as theGurneys—

An incubus then I thought her,

So I threw over that rich attorney's

Elderly, ugly daughter.

The rich attorney my character high

Tried vainly to disparage—

And now, if you please, I'm ready to try

This Breach of Promise of Marriage!

Oh, big was the bosom of braveAlum Bey,And also the region that under it lay,In safety and peril remarkably cool,And he dwelt on the banks of the river Stamboul.Each morning he went to his garden, to cullA bunch of zenana or sprig of bul-bul,And offered the bouquet, in exquisite bloom,ToBacksheesh, the daughter ofRahat Lakoum.No maiden likeBacksheeshcould tastily cookA kettle of kismet or joint of tchibouk,AsAlum, brave fellow! sat pensively by,With a bright sympathetic ka-bob in his eye.Stern duty compelled him to leave her one day—(A ship's supercargo was braveAlum Bey)—To pretty youngBacksheeshhe made a salaam,And sailed to the isle of Seringapatam."OAlum," said she, "think again, ere you go—Hareems may arise and Moguls they may blow;You may strike on a fez, or be drowned, which is wuss!"ButAlumembraced her and spoke to her thus:"Cease weeping, fairBacksheesh! I willingly swearCork jackets and trousers I always will wear,And I also throw in a large number of oathsThat I never—no,never—will take off my clothes!"They left Madagascar away on their right,And made Clapham Common the following night,Then lay on their oars for a fortnight or two,Becalmed in the ocean of Honolulu.One dayAlumsaw, with alarm in his breast,A cloud on the nor-sow-sow-nor-sow-nor-west;The wind it arose, and the crew gave a scream,For they knew it—they knew it!—the dreaded Hareem!!The mast it went over, and so did the sails,BraveAlumthrew over his casks and his bales;The billows arose as the weather grew thick,And all exceptAlumwere terribly sick.The crew were but three, but they holloa'd for nine,They howled and they blubbered with wail and with whine:The skipper he fainted away in the fore,For he hadn't the heart for to skip any more."Ho, coward!" saidAlum, "with heart of a child!Thou son of a party whose grave is defiled!IsAlumin terror? isAlumafeard?Ho! ho! If you had one I'd laugh at your beard."His eyeball it gleamed like a furnace of coke;He boldly inflated his clothes as he spoke;He daringly felt for the corks on his chest,And he recklessly tightened the belt at his breast.For he knew, the braveAlum, that, happen what might,With belts and cork-jacketing,hewas all right;Though others might sink, he was certain to swim,—No Hareem whatever had terrors for him!They begged him to spare from his personal storeA single cork garment—they asked for no more;But he couldn't, because of the number of oathsThat he never—no, never!—would take off his clothes.The billows dash o'er them and topple around,They see they are pretty near sure to be drowned.A terrible wave o'er the quarter-deck breaks,And the vessel it sinks in a couple of shakes!The dreadful Hareem, though it knows how to blow,Expends all its strength in a minute or so;When the vessel had foundered, as I have detailed,The tempest subsided, and quiet prevailed.One seized on a cork with a yelling "Ha! ha!"(Its bottle had 'prisoned a pint of Pacha)—Another a toothpick—another a tray—"Alas! it is useless!" said braveAlum Bey."To holloa and kick is a very bad plan:Get it over, my tulips, as soon as you can;You'd better lay hold of a good lump of lead,And cling to it tightly until you are dead."Just raise your hands over your pretty heads—so—Right down to the bottom you're certain to go.Ta! ta! I'm afraid we shall not meet again"—For the truly courageous are truly humane.BraveAlumwas picked up the very next day—A man-o'-war sighted him smoking away;With hunger and cold he was ready to drop,So they sent him below and they gave him a chop.O reader, or readress, whichever you be,You weep for the crew who have sunk in the sea?O reader, or readress, read farther, and dryThe bright sympathetic ka-bob in your eye.That ship had a grapple with three iron spikes,—It's lowered, and, ha! on a something it strikes!They haul it aboard with a British "heave-ho!"And what it has fished up the drawing will show.There wasWilson, andParker, andTomlinson, too—(The first was the captain, the others the crew)—As lively and spry as a Malabar ape,Quite pleased and surprised at their happy escape.AndAlum, brave fellow, who stood in the fore,And never expected to look on them more,Was really delighted to see them again,For the truly courageous are truly humane.

Oh, big was the bosom of braveAlum Bey,And also the region that under it lay,In safety and peril remarkably cool,And he dwelt on the banks of the river Stamboul.

Oh, big was the bosom of braveAlum Bey,

And also the region that under it lay,

In safety and peril remarkably cool,

And he dwelt on the banks of the river Stamboul.

Each morning he went to his garden, to cullA bunch of zenana or sprig of bul-bul,And offered the bouquet, in exquisite bloom,ToBacksheesh, the daughter ofRahat Lakoum.

Each morning he went to his garden, to cull

A bunch of zenana or sprig of bul-bul,

And offered the bouquet, in exquisite bloom,

ToBacksheesh, the daughter ofRahat Lakoum.

No maiden likeBacksheeshcould tastily cookA kettle of kismet or joint of tchibouk,AsAlum, brave fellow! sat pensively by,With a bright sympathetic ka-bob in his eye.

No maiden likeBacksheeshcould tastily cook

A kettle of kismet or joint of tchibouk,

AsAlum, brave fellow! sat pensively by,

With a bright sympathetic ka-bob in his eye.

Stern duty compelled him to leave her one day—(A ship's supercargo was braveAlum Bey)—To pretty youngBacksheeshhe made a salaam,And sailed to the isle of Seringapatam.

Stern duty compelled him to leave her one day—

(A ship's supercargo was braveAlum Bey)—

To pretty youngBacksheeshhe made a salaam,

And sailed to the isle of Seringapatam.

"OAlum," said she, "think again, ere you go—Hareems may arise and Moguls they may blow;You may strike on a fez, or be drowned, which is wuss!"ButAlumembraced her and spoke to her thus:

"OAlum," said she, "think again, ere you go—

Hareems may arise and Moguls they may blow;

You may strike on a fez, or be drowned, which is wuss!"

ButAlumembraced her and spoke to her thus:

"Cease weeping, fairBacksheesh! I willingly swearCork jackets and trousers I always will wear,And I also throw in a large number of oathsThat I never—no,never—will take off my clothes!"

"Cease weeping, fairBacksheesh! I willingly swear

Cork jackets and trousers I always will wear,

And I also throw in a large number of oaths

That I never—no,never—will take off my clothes!"

They left Madagascar away on their right,And made Clapham Common the following night,Then lay on their oars for a fortnight or two,Becalmed in the ocean of Honolulu.

They left Madagascar away on their right,

And made Clapham Common the following night,

Then lay on their oars for a fortnight or two,

Becalmed in the ocean of Honolulu.

One dayAlumsaw, with alarm in his breast,A cloud on the nor-sow-sow-nor-sow-nor-west;The wind it arose, and the crew gave a scream,For they knew it—they knew it!—the dreaded Hareem!!

One dayAlumsaw, with alarm in his breast,

A cloud on the nor-sow-sow-nor-sow-nor-west;

The wind it arose, and the crew gave a scream,

For they knew it—they knew it!—the dreaded Hareem!!

The mast it went over, and so did the sails,BraveAlumthrew over his casks and his bales;The billows arose as the weather grew thick,And all exceptAlumwere terribly sick.

The mast it went over, and so did the sails,

BraveAlumthrew over his casks and his bales;

The billows arose as the weather grew thick,

And all exceptAlumwere terribly sick.

The crew were but three, but they holloa'd for nine,They howled and they blubbered with wail and with whine:The skipper he fainted away in the fore,For he hadn't the heart for to skip any more.

The crew were but three, but they holloa'd for nine,

They howled and they blubbered with wail and with whine:

The skipper he fainted away in the fore,

For he hadn't the heart for to skip any more.

"Ho, coward!" saidAlum, "with heart of a child!Thou son of a party whose grave is defiled!IsAlumin terror? isAlumafeard?Ho! ho! If you had one I'd laugh at your beard."

"Ho, coward!" saidAlum, "with heart of a child!

Thou son of a party whose grave is defiled!

IsAlumin terror? isAlumafeard?

Ho! ho! If you had one I'd laugh at your beard."

His eyeball it gleamed like a furnace of coke;He boldly inflated his clothes as he spoke;He daringly felt for the corks on his chest,And he recklessly tightened the belt at his breast.

His eyeball it gleamed like a furnace of coke;

He boldly inflated his clothes as he spoke;

He daringly felt for the corks on his chest,

And he recklessly tightened the belt at his breast.

For he knew, the braveAlum, that, happen what might,With belts and cork-jacketing,hewas all right;Though others might sink, he was certain to swim,—No Hareem whatever had terrors for him!

For he knew, the braveAlum, that, happen what might,

With belts and cork-jacketing,hewas all right;

Though others might sink, he was certain to swim,—

No Hareem whatever had terrors for him!

They begged him to spare from his personal storeA single cork garment—they asked for no more;But he couldn't, because of the number of oathsThat he never—no, never!—would take off his clothes.

They begged him to spare from his personal store

A single cork garment—they asked for no more;

But he couldn't, because of the number of oaths

That he never—no, never!—would take off his clothes.

The billows dash o'er them and topple around,They see they are pretty near sure to be drowned.A terrible wave o'er the quarter-deck breaks,And the vessel it sinks in a couple of shakes!

The billows dash o'er them and topple around,

They see they are pretty near sure to be drowned.

A terrible wave o'er the quarter-deck breaks,

And the vessel it sinks in a couple of shakes!

The dreadful Hareem, though it knows how to blow,Expends all its strength in a minute or so;When the vessel had foundered, as I have detailed,The tempest subsided, and quiet prevailed.

The dreadful Hareem, though it knows how to blow,

Expends all its strength in a minute or so;

When the vessel had foundered, as I have detailed,

The tempest subsided, and quiet prevailed.

One seized on a cork with a yelling "Ha! ha!"(Its bottle had 'prisoned a pint of Pacha)—Another a toothpick—another a tray—"Alas! it is useless!" said braveAlum Bey.

One seized on a cork with a yelling "Ha! ha!"

(Its bottle had 'prisoned a pint of Pacha)—

Another a toothpick—another a tray—

"Alas! it is useless!" said braveAlum Bey.

"To holloa and kick is a very bad plan:Get it over, my tulips, as soon as you can;You'd better lay hold of a good lump of lead,And cling to it tightly until you are dead.

"To holloa and kick is a very bad plan:

Get it over, my tulips, as soon as you can;

You'd better lay hold of a good lump of lead,

And cling to it tightly until you are dead.

"Just raise your hands over your pretty heads—so—Right down to the bottom you're certain to go.Ta! ta! I'm afraid we shall not meet again"—For the truly courageous are truly humane.

"Just raise your hands over your pretty heads—so—

Right down to the bottom you're certain to go.

Ta! ta! I'm afraid we shall not meet again"—

For the truly courageous are truly humane.

BraveAlumwas picked up the very next day—A man-o'-war sighted him smoking away;With hunger and cold he was ready to drop,So they sent him below and they gave him a chop.

BraveAlumwas picked up the very next day—

A man-o'-war sighted him smoking away;

With hunger and cold he was ready to drop,

So they sent him below and they gave him a chop.

O reader, or readress, whichever you be,You weep for the crew who have sunk in the sea?O reader, or readress, read farther, and dryThe bright sympathetic ka-bob in your eye.

O reader, or readress, whichever you be,

You weep for the crew who have sunk in the sea?

O reader, or readress, read farther, and dry

The bright sympathetic ka-bob in your eye.

That ship had a grapple with three iron spikes,—It's lowered, and, ha! on a something it strikes!They haul it aboard with a British "heave-ho!"And what it has fished up the drawing will show.

That ship had a grapple with three iron spikes,—

It's lowered, and, ha! on a something it strikes!

They haul it aboard with a British "heave-ho!"

And what it has fished up the drawing will show.

There wasWilson, andParker, andTomlinson, too—(The first was the captain, the others the crew)—As lively and spry as a Malabar ape,Quite pleased and surprised at their happy escape.

There wasWilson, andParker, andTomlinson, too—

(The first was the captain, the others the crew)—

As lively and spry as a Malabar ape,

Quite pleased and surprised at their happy escape.

AndAlum, brave fellow, who stood in the fore,And never expected to look on them more,Was really delighted to see them again,For the truly courageous are truly humane.

AndAlum, brave fellow, who stood in the fore,

And never expected to look on them more,

Was really delighted to see them again,

For the truly courageous are truly humane.

WhenI first put this uniform on,I said, as I looked in the glass,"It's one to a millionThat any civilianMy figure and form will surpass.Gold lace has a charm for the fair,And I've plenty of that, and to spare.While a lover's professions,When uttered in Hessians,Are eloquent everywhere!"A fact that I counted upon,When I first put this uniform on!I said, when I first put it on,"It is plain to the veriest dunceThat every beautyWill feel it her dutyTo yield to its glamour at once.They will see that I'm freely gold-lacedIn a uniform handsome and chaste"—But the peripateticsOf long-haired æsthetics,Are very much more to their taste—Which I never counted uponWhen I first put this uniform on.

WhenI first put this uniform on,

I said, as I looked in the glass,

"It's one to a million

That any civilian

My figure and form will surpass.

Gold lace has a charm for the fair,

And I've plenty of that, and to spare.

While a lover's professions,

When uttered in Hessians,

Are eloquent everywhere!"

A fact that I counted upon,

When I first put this uniform on!

I said, when I first put it on,"It is plain to the veriest dunceThat every beautyWill feel it her dutyTo yield to its glamour at once.They will see that I'm freely gold-lacedIn a uniform handsome and chaste"—But the peripateticsOf long-haired æsthetics,Are very much more to their taste—Which I never counted uponWhen I first put this uniform on.

I said, when I first put it on,

"It is plain to the veriest dunce

That every beauty

Will feel it her duty

To yield to its glamour at once.

They will see that I'm freely gold-laced

In a uniform handsome and chaste"—

But the peripatetics

Of long-haired æsthetics,

Are very much more to their taste—

Which I never counted upon

When I first put this uniform on.

ThisisSir Barnaby Bampton BooLast of a noble race,Barnaby Bampton, coming to woo,All at a deuce of a pace.Barnaby Bampton Boo,Here is a health to you:Here is wishing you luck, you elderly buck—Barnaby Bampton Boo!The excellent women of TuptonveeKnewSir Barnaby Boo;One of them surely his bride would be,But dickens a soul knew who.Women of Tuptonvee,Here is a health to ye:For a Baronet, dears, you would cut off your ears,Women of Tuptonvee!Here are oldMr.andMrs. de Plow(Peterhis Christian name),They kept seven oxen, a pig, and a cow—Farming it was their game.Worthy oldPeter de Plow,Here is a health to thou:Your race isn't run, though you're seventy-one,Worthy oldPeter de Plow!To excellentMr.andMrs. de PlowCameSir Barnaby Boo,He asked for their daughter, and told 'em as howHe was as rich as a Jew.Barnaby Bampton'swealth,Here is your jolly good health:I'd never repine if you came to be mine,Barnaby Bampton'swealth!"O greatSir Barnaby Bampton Boo"(Said Plow to that titled swell),"My missus has given me daughters two—AmeliaandVolatile Nell!"AmeliaandVolatile Nell,I hope you're uncommonly well:You two pretty pearls—you extremely nice girls—AmeliaandVolatile Nell!"Ameliais passable only, in face,But, oh! she's a worthy girl;Superior morals like hers would graceThe home of a belted Earl."Morality, heavenly link!To you I'll eternally drink:I'm awfully fond of that heavenly bond,Morality, heavenly link!"NowNelly'sthe prettier, p'raps, of my gals,But, oh! she's a wayward chit;She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals,And doesn't readTuppera bit!"OTupper, philosopher true,How do you happen to do?A publisher looks with respect on your books,For theydosell, philosopher true!The Bart. (I'll be hanged if I drink him again,Or care if he's ill or well),He sneered at the goodness ofMilly the Plain,And cottoned toVolatile Nell!OVolatile Nelly de P.!Be hanged if I'll empty to thee:I like worthy maids, not mere frivolous jades,Volatile Nelly de P.!They bolted, the Bart. and his frivolous dear,AndMillywas left to pout;For years they've got on very well, as I hear,But soon he will rue it, no doubt.O excellentMilly de Plow,I really can't drink to you now;My head isn't strong, and the song has been long,ExcellentMilly de Plow!

ThisisSir Barnaby Bampton Boo

Last of a noble race,

Barnaby Bampton, coming to woo,

All at a deuce of a pace.

Barnaby Bampton Boo,

Here is a health to you:

Here is wishing you luck, you elderly buck—

Barnaby Bampton Boo!

The excellent women of TuptonveeKnewSir Barnaby Boo;One of them surely his bride would be,But dickens a soul knew who.Women of Tuptonvee,Here is a health to ye:For a Baronet, dears, you would cut off your ears,Women of Tuptonvee!

The excellent women of Tuptonvee

KnewSir Barnaby Boo;

One of them surely his bride would be,

But dickens a soul knew who.

Women of Tuptonvee,

Here is a health to ye:

For a Baronet, dears, you would cut off your ears,

Women of Tuptonvee!

Here are oldMr.andMrs. de Plow(Peterhis Christian name),They kept seven oxen, a pig, and a cow—Farming it was their game.Worthy oldPeter de Plow,Here is a health to thou:Your race isn't run, though you're seventy-one,Worthy oldPeter de Plow!

Here are oldMr.andMrs. de Plow

(Peterhis Christian name),

They kept seven oxen, a pig, and a cow—

Farming it was their game.

Worthy oldPeter de Plow,

Here is a health to thou:

Your race isn't run, though you're seventy-one,

Worthy oldPeter de Plow!

To excellentMr.andMrs. de PlowCameSir Barnaby Boo,He asked for their daughter, and told 'em as howHe was as rich as a Jew.Barnaby Bampton'swealth,Here is your jolly good health:I'd never repine if you came to be mine,Barnaby Bampton'swealth!

To excellentMr.andMrs. de Plow

CameSir Barnaby Boo,

He asked for their daughter, and told 'em as how

He was as rich as a Jew.

Barnaby Bampton'swealth,

Here is your jolly good health:

I'd never repine if you came to be mine,

Barnaby Bampton'swealth!

"O greatSir Barnaby Bampton Boo"(Said Plow to that titled swell),"My missus has given me daughters two—AmeliaandVolatile Nell!"AmeliaandVolatile Nell,I hope you're uncommonly well:You two pretty pearls—you extremely nice girls—AmeliaandVolatile Nell!

"O greatSir Barnaby Bampton Boo"

(Said Plow to that titled swell),

"My missus has given me daughters two—

AmeliaandVolatile Nell!"

AmeliaandVolatile Nell,

I hope you're uncommonly well:

You two pretty pearls—you extremely nice girls—

AmeliaandVolatile Nell!

"Ameliais passable only, in face,But, oh! she's a worthy girl;Superior morals like hers would graceThe home of a belted Earl."Morality, heavenly link!To you I'll eternally drink:I'm awfully fond of that heavenly bond,Morality, heavenly link!

"Ameliais passable only, in face,

But, oh! she's a worthy girl;

Superior morals like hers would grace

The home of a belted Earl."

Morality, heavenly link!

To you I'll eternally drink:

I'm awfully fond of that heavenly bond,

Morality, heavenly link!

"NowNelly'sthe prettier, p'raps, of my gals,But, oh! she's a wayward chit;She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals,And doesn't readTuppera bit!"OTupper, philosopher true,How do you happen to do?A publisher looks with respect on your books,For theydosell, philosopher true!

"NowNelly'sthe prettier, p'raps, of my gals,

But, oh! she's a wayward chit;

She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals,

And doesn't readTuppera bit!"

OTupper, philosopher true,

How do you happen to do?

A publisher looks with respect on your books,

For theydosell, philosopher true!

The Bart. (I'll be hanged if I drink him again,Or care if he's ill or well),He sneered at the goodness ofMilly the Plain,And cottoned toVolatile Nell!OVolatile Nelly de P.!Be hanged if I'll empty to thee:I like worthy maids, not mere frivolous jades,Volatile Nelly de P.!

The Bart. (I'll be hanged if I drink him again,

Or care if he's ill or well),

He sneered at the goodness ofMilly the Plain,

And cottoned toVolatile Nell!

OVolatile Nelly de P.!

Be hanged if I'll empty to thee:

I like worthy maids, not mere frivolous jades,

Volatile Nelly de P.!

They bolted, the Bart. and his frivolous dear,AndMillywas left to pout;For years they've got on very well, as I hear,But soon he will rue it, no doubt.O excellentMilly de Plow,I really can't drink to you now;My head isn't strong, and the song has been long,ExcellentMilly de Plow!

They bolted, the Bart. and his frivolous dear,

AndMillywas left to pout;

For years they've got on very well, as I hear,

But soon he will rue it, no doubt.

O excellentMilly de Plow,

I really can't drink to you now;

My head isn't strong, and the song has been long,

ExcellentMilly de Plow!

Comesthe broken flower—Comes the cheated maid—Though the tempest lower,Rain and cloud will fade!Take, O maid, these posies:Though thy beauty rareShame the blushing roses,They are passing fair!Wear the flowers till they fade;Happy be thy life, O maid!O'er the season vernal,Time may cast a shade;Sunshine, if eternal,Makes the roses fade:Time may do his duty;Let the thief alone—Winter hath a beautyThat is all his own.Fairest days are sun and shade:Happy be thy life, O maid!

Comesthe broken flower—

Comes the cheated maid—

Though the tempest lower,

Rain and cloud will fade!

Take, O maid, these posies:

Though thy beauty rare

Shame the blushing roses,

They are passing fair!

Wear the flowers till they fade;

Happy be thy life, O maid!

O'er the season vernal,Time may cast a shade;Sunshine, if eternal,Makes the roses fade:Time may do his duty;Let the thief alone—Winter hath a beautyThat is all his own.Fairest days are sun and shade:Happy be thy life, O maid!

O'er the season vernal,

Time may cast a shade;

Sunshine, if eternal,

Makes the roses fade:

Time may do his duty;

Let the thief alone—

Winter hath a beauty

That is all his own.

Fairest days are sun and shade:

Happy be thy life, O maid!

Whenman and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye,I always droop my own—I am the shyest of the shy.I'm also fond of bashfulness, and sitting down on thorns,For modesty's a quality that womankind adorns.Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid,My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid;I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red,For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred.But still in all these matters, as in other things below,There is a proper medium, as I'm about to show.I do not recommend a newly-married pair to tryTo carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh.Betrothed they were when very young—before they'd learnt to speak(ForSarahwas but six days old, andPeterwas a week);Though little more than babies at those early ages, yetThey bashfully would faint when they occasionally met.They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine,WhenPeter'sgood papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine)Determined to endeavour some sound argument to findTo bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind.He told them that asSarahwas to be hisPeter'sbride,They might at least consent to sit at table side by side;He begged that they would now and then shake hands, till he was hoarse,WhichSarahthought indelicate, andPetervery coarse.AndPeterin a tremble to the blushing maid would say,"You must excuse papa,Miss Bligh,—it is his mountain way."SaysSarah, "His behaviour I'll endeavour to forget,But your papa's the coarsest person that I ever met."He plighted us without our leave, when we were very young,Before we had begun articulating with the tongue.His underbred suggestions fill your Sarah with alarm;Why, gracious me! he'll ask us next to walk out arm-in-arm!"At length whenSarahreached the legal age of twenty-one,The Baron he determined to unite her to his son;AndSarahin a fainting-fit for weeks unconscious lay,AndPeterblushed so hard you might have heard him miles away.And when the time arrived for takingSarahto his heart,They were married in two churches half-a-dozen miles apart(Intending to escape all public ridicule and chaff),And the service was conducted by electric telegraph.And when it was concluded, and the priest had said his say,Until the time arrived when they were both to drive away,They never spoke or offered for to fondle or to fawn,Forhewaited in the attic, andshewaited on the lawn.At length, when four o'clock arrived, and it was time to go,The carriage was announced, but decentSarahanswered "No!Upon my word, I'd rather sleep my everlasting nap,Than go and ride alone withMr. Peterin a trap."AndPeter'sover-sensitive and highly-polished mindWouldn't suffer him to sanction a proceeding of the kind;And further, he declared he suffered overwhelming shocksAt the bare idea of having any coachman on the box.SoPeterinto one turn-out incontinently rushed,WhileSarahin a second trap sat modestly and blushed;AndMr. Newman'scoachman, on authority I've heard,Drove away in gallant style upon the coach-box of a third.Now, though this modest couple in the matter of the carWere very likely carrying a principle too far,I hold their shy behaviour was more laudable in themThan that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.Alphonso, who in cool assurance all creation licks,He up and said to Emmie (who had impudence for six),"Miss Emily, I love you—will you marry? Say the word!"AndEmilysaid, "Certainly,Alphonso, like a bird!"I do not recommend a newly-married pair to tryTo carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh,But still their shy behaviour was more laudable in themThan that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.

Whenman and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye,

I always droop my own—I am the shyest of the shy.

I'm also fond of bashfulness, and sitting down on thorns,

For modesty's a quality that womankind adorns.

Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid,My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid;I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red,For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred.

Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid,

My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid;

I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red,

For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred.

But still in all these matters, as in other things below,There is a proper medium, as I'm about to show.I do not recommend a newly-married pair to tryTo carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh.

But still in all these matters, as in other things below,

There is a proper medium, as I'm about to show.

I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try

To carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh.

Betrothed they were when very young—before they'd learnt to speak(ForSarahwas but six days old, andPeterwas a week);Though little more than babies at those early ages, yetThey bashfully would faint when they occasionally met.

Betrothed they were when very young—before they'd learnt to speak

(ForSarahwas but six days old, andPeterwas a week);

Though little more than babies at those early ages, yet

They bashfully would faint when they occasionally met.

They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine,WhenPeter'sgood papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine)Determined to endeavour some sound argument to findTo bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind.

They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine,

WhenPeter'sgood papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine)

Determined to endeavour some sound argument to find

To bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind.

He told them that asSarahwas to be hisPeter'sbride,They might at least consent to sit at table side by side;He begged that they would now and then shake hands, till he was hoarse,WhichSarahthought indelicate, andPetervery coarse.

He told them that asSarahwas to be hisPeter'sbride,

They might at least consent to sit at table side by side;

He begged that they would now and then shake hands, till he was hoarse,

WhichSarahthought indelicate, andPetervery coarse.

AndPeterin a tremble to the blushing maid would say,"You must excuse papa,Miss Bligh,—it is his mountain way."SaysSarah, "His behaviour I'll endeavour to forget,But your papa's the coarsest person that I ever met.

AndPeterin a tremble to the blushing maid would say,

"You must excuse papa,Miss Bligh,—it is his mountain way."

SaysSarah, "His behaviour I'll endeavour to forget,

But your papa's the coarsest person that I ever met.

"He plighted us without our leave, when we were very young,Before we had begun articulating with the tongue.His underbred suggestions fill your Sarah with alarm;Why, gracious me! he'll ask us next to walk out arm-in-arm!"

"He plighted us without our leave, when we were very young,

Before we had begun articulating with the tongue.

His underbred suggestions fill your Sarah with alarm;

Why, gracious me! he'll ask us next to walk out arm-in-arm!"

At length whenSarahreached the legal age of twenty-one,The Baron he determined to unite her to his son;AndSarahin a fainting-fit for weeks unconscious lay,AndPeterblushed so hard you might have heard him miles away.

At length whenSarahreached the legal age of twenty-one,

The Baron he determined to unite her to his son;

AndSarahin a fainting-fit for weeks unconscious lay,

AndPeterblushed so hard you might have heard him miles away.

And when the time arrived for takingSarahto his heart,They were married in two churches half-a-dozen miles apart(Intending to escape all public ridicule and chaff),And the service was conducted by electric telegraph.

And when the time arrived for takingSarahto his heart,

They were married in two churches half-a-dozen miles apart

(Intending to escape all public ridicule and chaff),

And the service was conducted by electric telegraph.

And when it was concluded, and the priest had said his say,Until the time arrived when they were both to drive away,They never spoke or offered for to fondle or to fawn,Forhewaited in the attic, andshewaited on the lawn.

And when it was concluded, and the priest had said his say,

Until the time arrived when they were both to drive away,

They never spoke or offered for to fondle or to fawn,

Forhewaited in the attic, andshewaited on the lawn.

At length, when four o'clock arrived, and it was time to go,The carriage was announced, but decentSarahanswered "No!Upon my word, I'd rather sleep my everlasting nap,Than go and ride alone withMr. Peterin a trap."

At length, when four o'clock arrived, and it was time to go,

The carriage was announced, but decentSarahanswered "No!

Upon my word, I'd rather sleep my everlasting nap,

Than go and ride alone withMr. Peterin a trap."

AndPeter'sover-sensitive and highly-polished mindWouldn't suffer him to sanction a proceeding of the kind;And further, he declared he suffered overwhelming shocksAt the bare idea of having any coachman on the box.

AndPeter'sover-sensitive and highly-polished mind

Wouldn't suffer him to sanction a proceeding of the kind;

And further, he declared he suffered overwhelming shocks

At the bare idea of having any coachman on the box.

SoPeterinto one turn-out incontinently rushed,WhileSarahin a second trap sat modestly and blushed;AndMr. Newman'scoachman, on authority I've heard,Drove away in gallant style upon the coach-box of a third.

SoPeterinto one turn-out incontinently rushed,

WhileSarahin a second trap sat modestly and blushed;

AndMr. Newman'scoachman, on authority I've heard,

Drove away in gallant style upon the coach-box of a third.

Now, though this modest couple in the matter of the carWere very likely carrying a principle too far,I hold their shy behaviour was more laudable in themThan that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.

Now, though this modest couple in the matter of the car

Were very likely carrying a principle too far,

I hold their shy behaviour was more laudable in them

Than that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.

Alphonso, who in cool assurance all creation licks,He up and said to Emmie (who had impudence for six),"Miss Emily, I love you—will you marry? Say the word!"AndEmilysaid, "Certainly,Alphonso, like a bird!"

Alphonso, who in cool assurance all creation licks,

He up and said to Emmie (who had impudence for six),

"Miss Emily, I love you—will you marry? Say the word!"

AndEmilysaid, "Certainly,Alphonso, like a bird!"

I do not recommend a newly-married pair to tryTo carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh,But still their shy behaviour was more laudable in themThan that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.

I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try

To carry on asPetercarried on withSarah Bligh,

But still their shy behaviour was more laudable in them

Than that ofPeter'sbrother withMiss Sarah'ssisterEm.

Whenyou're lying awake with a dismal headache, andrepose is taboo'd by anxiety,I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulgein without impropriety;For your brain is on fire—the bedclothes conspire of usualslumber to plunder you:First your counterpane goes and uncovers your toes, and your sheetslips demurely from under you;Then the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles,so terribly sharp is the pricking,And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and tosstill there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, andyou pick 'em all up in a tangle;Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain atits usual angle!Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hoteyeballs and head ever aching,But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams thatyou'd very much better be waking;For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossingabout in a steamer from Harwich,Which is something between a large bathing-machine anda very small second-class carriage;And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to aparty of friends and relations—They're a ravenous horde—and they all came on board atSloane Square and South Kensington Stations.And bound on that journey you find your attorney (whostarted that morning from Devon);He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised whenhe tells you he's only eleven.Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by thebye the ship's now a four-wheeler),And you're playing round games, and he calls you badnames when you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, andyou find you're as cold as an icicle,In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with goldclocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:And he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they'vesomehow or other invested in—And he's telling the tars all the particularsof a companyhe's interested in—It's a scheme of devices to get at low prices all goodsfrom cough mixtures to cables(Which tickled the sailors) by treating retailers as thoughthey were all vegetables—You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman(first take off his boots with a boot-tree),And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, andthey'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree—From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,While the pastry-cook plant cherry-brandy will grant—applepuffs, and three-corners, and banberries—The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken byRothschild and Baring,And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with ashudder despairing—You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and nowonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, andyou've needles and pins from your soles to yourshins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg'sasleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly onyour nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverishtongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sensethat you haven't been sleeping in clover;But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, andthe night has been long—ditto, ditto my song—andthank goodness they're both of them over!

Whenyou're lying awake with a dismal headache, and

repose is taboo'd by anxiety,

I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge

in without impropriety;

For your brain is on fire—the bedclothes conspire of usual

slumber to plunder you:

First your counterpane goes and uncovers your toes, and your sheet

slips demurely from under you;

Then the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles,

so terribly sharp is the pricking,

And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss

till there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.

Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, andyou pick 'em all up in a tangle;Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain atits usual angle!Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hoteyeballs and head ever aching,But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams thatyou'd very much better be waking;For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossingabout in a steamer from Harwich,Which is something between a large bathing-machine anda very small second-class carriage;And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to aparty of friends and relations—They're a ravenous horde—and they all came on board atSloane Square and South Kensington Stations.And bound on that journey you find your attorney (whostarted that morning from Devon);He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised whenhe tells you he's only eleven.Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by thebye the ship's now a four-wheeler),And you're playing round games, and he calls you badnames when you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, andyou find you're as cold as an icicle,In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with goldclocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:And he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they'vesomehow or other invested in—And he's telling the tars all the particularsof a companyhe's interested in—It's a scheme of devices to get at low prices all goodsfrom cough mixtures to cables(Which tickled the sailors) by treating retailers as thoughthey were all vegetables—You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman(first take off his boots with a boot-tree),

Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and

you pick 'em all up in a tangle;

Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at

its usual angle!

Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot

eyeballs and head ever aching,

But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that

you'd very much better be waking;

For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing

about in a steamer from Harwich,

Which is something between a large bathing-machine and

a very small second-class carriage;

And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a

party of friends and relations—

They're a ravenous horde—and they all came on board at

Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations.

And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who

started that morning from Devon);

He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when

he tells you he's only eleven.

Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the

bye the ship's now a four-wheeler),

And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad

names when you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";

But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and

you find you're as cold as an icicle,

In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold

clocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:

And he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they've

somehow or other invested in—

And he's telling the tars all the particularsof a company

he's interested in—

It's a scheme of devices to get at low prices all goods

from cough mixtures to cables

(Which tickled the sailors) by treating retailers as though

they were all vegetables—

You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman

(first take off his boots with a boot-tree),

And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, andthey'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree—From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,While the pastry-cook plant cherry-brandy will grant—applepuffs, and three-corners, and banberries—The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken byRothschild and Baring,And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with ashudder despairing—You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and nowonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, andyou've needles and pins from your soles to yourshins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg'sasleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly onyour nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverishtongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sensethat you haven't been sleeping in clover;But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, andthe night has been long—ditto, ditto my song—andthank goodness they're both of them over!

And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and

they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree—

From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,

cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,

While the pastry-cook plant cherry-brandy will grant—apple

puffs, and three-corners, and banberries—

The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by

Rothschild and Baring,

And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a

shudder despairing—

You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no

wonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, and

you've needles and pins from your soles to your

shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg's

asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on

your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish

tongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sense

that you haven't been sleeping in clover;

But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and

the night has been long—ditto, ditto my song—and

thank goodness they're both of them over!

Sometime ago, in simple verse,I sang the story trueOfCaptain Reece,The Mantelpiece,And all her happy crew.I showed how any captain mayAttach his men to him,If he but heeds their smallest needs,And studies every whim.Now mark how, by Draconic ruleAndhauteurill-advised,The noblest crew upon the blueMay be demoralised.When his ungrateful country placedKindReeceupon half-pay,Without much claimSir Berkelycame,And took command one day.Sir Berkelywas a martinet—A stern unyielding soul—Who ruled his ship by dint of whipAnd horrible black-hole.A sailor who was overcomeFrom having freely dined,And chanced to reel when at the wheel,He instantly confined!And tars who, when an action raged,Appeared alarmed or scared,And those below who wished to go,He very seldom spared.E'en he who smote his officerFor punishment was booked,And mutinies upon the seasHe rarely overlooked.In short, the happyMantelpieceWhere all had gone so well,Beneath that foolSir Berkely'sruleBecame a floating hell.When firstSir Berkelycame aboardHe read a speech to all,And told them how he'd made a vowTo act on duty's call.ThenWilliam Lee, he up and said(The captain's coxswain he):"We've heard the speech your honour's made,And werry pleased we be."We won't pretend, my lad, as howWe're glad to lose ourReece;Urbane, polite, he suited quiteThe saucyMantelpiece."But if your honour gives your mindTo study all our ways,With dance and song we'll jog alongAs in those happy days."I like your honour's looks, and feelYou're worthy of your sword.Your hand, my lad—I'm doosid gladTo welcome you aboard!"Sir Berkelylooked amazed, as thoughHe did not understand."Don't shake your head," goodWilliamsaid,"It is an honest hand."It's grasped a better hand than yourn—Come, gov'nor, I insist!"The Captain stared—the coxswain glared—The hand became a fist!"Down, upstart!" said the hardy salt;ButBerkelydodged his aim,And made him go in chains below:The seamen murmured "Shame!"He stopped all songs at 12P.M.,Stopped hornpipes when at sea,And swore his cot (or bunk) should notBe used by aught than he.He never joined their daily mess,Nor asked them to his own,But chaffed in gay and social wayThe officers alone.His First Lieutenant,Peter, wasAs useless as could be,A helpless stick, and always sickWhen there was any sea.This First Lieutenant proved to beHis foster-sisterMay,Who went to sea for love of he,In masculine array.And when he learnt the curious factDid he emotion show,Or dry her tears, or end her fearsBy marrying her? No!Or did he even try to sootheThis maiden in her teens?Oh no!—instead he made her wedThe Sergeant of Marines!Of course such Spartan disciplineWould make an angel fret.They drew a lot, and straightway shotThis fearful martinet.The Admiralty saw how illThey'd treatedCaptain Reece;He was restored once more aboardThe saucyMantelpiece.

Sometime ago, in simple verse,I sang the story trueOfCaptain Reece,The Mantelpiece,And all her happy crew.

Sometime ago, in simple verse,

I sang the story true

OfCaptain Reece,The Mantelpiece,

And all her happy crew.

I showed how any captain mayAttach his men to him,If he but heeds their smallest needs,And studies every whim.

I showed how any captain may

Attach his men to him,

If he but heeds their smallest needs,

And studies every whim.

Now mark how, by Draconic ruleAndhauteurill-advised,The noblest crew upon the blueMay be demoralised.

Now mark how, by Draconic rule

Andhauteurill-advised,

The noblest crew upon the blue

May be demoralised.

When his ungrateful country placedKindReeceupon half-pay,Without much claimSir Berkelycame,And took command one day.

When his ungrateful country placed

KindReeceupon half-pay,

Without much claimSir Berkelycame,

And took command one day.

Sir Berkelywas a martinet—A stern unyielding soul—Who ruled his ship by dint of whipAnd horrible black-hole.

Sir Berkelywas a martinet—

A stern unyielding soul—

Who ruled his ship by dint of whip

And horrible black-hole.

A sailor who was overcomeFrom having freely dined,And chanced to reel when at the wheel,He instantly confined!

A sailor who was overcome

From having freely dined,

And chanced to reel when at the wheel,

He instantly confined!

And tars who, when an action raged,Appeared alarmed or scared,And those below who wished to go,He very seldom spared.

And tars who, when an action raged,

Appeared alarmed or scared,

And those below who wished to go,

He very seldom spared.

E'en he who smote his officerFor punishment was booked,And mutinies upon the seasHe rarely overlooked.

E'en he who smote his officer

For punishment was booked,

And mutinies upon the seas

He rarely overlooked.

In short, the happyMantelpieceWhere all had gone so well,Beneath that foolSir Berkely'sruleBecame a floating hell.

In short, the happyMantelpiece

Where all had gone so well,

Beneath that foolSir Berkely'srule

Became a floating hell.

When firstSir Berkelycame aboardHe read a speech to all,And told them how he'd made a vowTo act on duty's call.

When firstSir Berkelycame aboard

He read a speech to all,

And told them how he'd made a vow

To act on duty's call.

ThenWilliam Lee, he up and said(The captain's coxswain he):"We've heard the speech your honour's made,And werry pleased we be.

ThenWilliam Lee, he up and said

(The captain's coxswain he):

"We've heard the speech your honour's made,

And werry pleased we be.

"We won't pretend, my lad, as howWe're glad to lose ourReece;Urbane, polite, he suited quiteThe saucyMantelpiece.

"We won't pretend, my lad, as how

We're glad to lose ourReece;

Urbane, polite, he suited quite

The saucyMantelpiece.

"But if your honour gives your mindTo study all our ways,With dance and song we'll jog alongAs in those happy days.

"But if your honour gives your mind

To study all our ways,

With dance and song we'll jog along

As in those happy days.

"I like your honour's looks, and feelYou're worthy of your sword.Your hand, my lad—I'm doosid gladTo welcome you aboard!"

"I like your honour's looks, and feel

You're worthy of your sword.

Your hand, my lad—I'm doosid glad

To welcome you aboard!"

Sir Berkelylooked amazed, as thoughHe did not understand."Don't shake your head," goodWilliamsaid,"It is an honest hand.

Sir Berkelylooked amazed, as though

He did not understand.

"Don't shake your head," goodWilliamsaid,

"It is an honest hand.

"It's grasped a better hand than yourn—Come, gov'nor, I insist!"The Captain stared—the coxswain glared—The hand became a fist!

"It's grasped a better hand than yourn—

Come, gov'nor, I insist!"

The Captain stared—the coxswain glared—

The hand became a fist!

"Down, upstart!" said the hardy salt;ButBerkelydodged his aim,And made him go in chains below:The seamen murmured "Shame!"

"Down, upstart!" said the hardy salt;

ButBerkelydodged his aim,

And made him go in chains below:

The seamen murmured "Shame!"

He stopped all songs at 12P.M.,Stopped hornpipes when at sea,And swore his cot (or bunk) should notBe used by aught than he.

He stopped all songs at 12P.M.,

Stopped hornpipes when at sea,

And swore his cot (or bunk) should not

Be used by aught than he.

He never joined their daily mess,Nor asked them to his own,But chaffed in gay and social wayThe officers alone.

He never joined their daily mess,

Nor asked them to his own,

But chaffed in gay and social way

The officers alone.

His First Lieutenant,Peter, wasAs useless as could be,A helpless stick, and always sickWhen there was any sea.

His First Lieutenant,Peter, was

As useless as could be,

A helpless stick, and always sick

When there was any sea.

This First Lieutenant proved to beHis foster-sisterMay,Who went to sea for love of he,In masculine array.

This First Lieutenant proved to be

His foster-sisterMay,

Who went to sea for love of he,

In masculine array.

And when he learnt the curious factDid he emotion show,Or dry her tears, or end her fearsBy marrying her? No!

And when he learnt the curious fact

Did he emotion show,

Or dry her tears, or end her fears

By marrying her? No!

Or did he even try to sootheThis maiden in her teens?Oh no!—instead he made her wedThe Sergeant of Marines!

Or did he even try to soothe

This maiden in her teens?

Oh no!—instead he made her wed

The Sergeant of Marines!

Of course such Spartan disciplineWould make an angel fret.They drew a lot, and straightway shotThis fearful martinet.

Of course such Spartan discipline

Would make an angel fret.

They drew a lot, and straightway shot

This fearful martinet.

The Admiralty saw how illThey'd treatedCaptain Reece;He was restored once more aboardThe saucyMantelpiece.

The Admiralty saw how ill

They'd treatedCaptain Reece;

He was restored once more aboard

The saucyMantelpiece.

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