Mr. Martin,[170]My father being afraid of an impeachment by therogues that are taken to-night, is gone off; but ifyou can procure him a pardon, he'll make greatdiscoveries that may be useful to the country. Could Ihave met you instead of your master to-night, I wouldhave delivered myself into your hands, with a sumthat much exceeds that in your strong-box, which Ihave sent you, with an assurance to my dear Martinthat I shall ever be his most faithful friend tilldeath.CHERRY BONIFACE.
There's a billet-doux for you! As for the father, I think he ought to be encouraged; and for the daughter—pray, my Lord, persuade your bride to take her into her service instead of Gipsy.[184]
Aim. I can assure you, madam, your deliverance was owing to her discovery.
Dor. Your command, my Lord, will do without the obligation. I 'll take care of her.
Sir Chas. This good company meets opportunely in favour of a design I have in behalf of my unfortunate sister. I intend to part her from her husband—gentlemen, will you assist me?[192]
Arch. Assist you! 'sdeath, who would not?
Count Bel. Assist! garzoon, we all assist!
Enter Squire Sullen.
Squire Sul. What 's all this? They tell me, spouse, that you had like to have been robbed.
Mrs. Sul. Truly, spouse, I was pretty near it, had not these two gentlemen interposed.
Squire Sul. How came these gentlemen here?
Mrs. Sul. That's his way of returning thanks, you must know.[201]
Count Bel. Garzoon, the question be apropos for all dat.
Sir Chas. You promised last night, sir, that you would deliver your lady to me this morning.
Squire Sul. Humph!
Arch. Humph! what do you mean by humph? Sir, you shall deliver her—in short, sir, we have saved you and your family; and if you are not civil, we 'll unbind the rogues, join with 'em, and set fire to your house. What does the man mean? not part with his wife![211]
Count Bel. Ay, garzoon, de man no understan common justice.
Mrs. Sul. Hold, gentlemen, all things here must move by consent, compulsion would spoil us; let my dear and I talk the matter over, and you shall judge it between us.
Squire Sul. Let me know first who are to be our judges. Pray, sir, who are you?
Sir Chas. I am Sir Charles Freeman, come to take away your wife.[221]
Squire Sul. And you, good sir?
Aim. Thomas, Viscount Aimwell, come to take away your sister.
Squire Sul. And you, pray, sir?
Arch. Francis Archer, esquire, come——
Squire Sul. To take away my mother, I hope. Gentlemen, you 're heartily welcome; I never met with three more obliging people since I was born!— And now, my dear, if you please, you shall have the first word.[231]
Arch. And the last, for five pounds!
Mrs. Sul. Spouse!
Squire Sul. Rib!
Mrs. Sul. How long have we been married?
Squire Sul. By the almanac, fourteen months; but by my account, fourteen years.
Mrs. Sul. 'Tis thereabout by my reckoning.
Count Bel. Garzoon, their account will agree.
Mrs. Sul. Pray, spouse, what did you marry for?[240]
Squire Sul. To get an heir to my estate.
Sir Chas. And have you succeeded?
Squire Sul. No.
Arch. The condition fails of his side.—Pray, madam, what did you marry for?
Mrs. Sul. To support the weakness of my sex by the strength of his, and to enjoy the pleasures of an agreeable society.
Sir Chas. Are your expectations answered?
Mrs. Sul. No.[250]
Count Bel. A clear case! a clear case!
Sir Chas. What are the bars to your mutual contentment?
Mrs. Sul. In the first place, I can't drink ale with him.
Squire Sul. Nor can I drink tea with her.
Mrs. Sul. I can't hunt with you.
Squire Sul. Nor can I dance with you.
Mrs. Sul. I hate cocking and racing.
Squire Sul. And I abhor ombre and piquet.
Mrs. Sul. Your silence is intolerable.
Squire Sul. Your prating is worse.[260]
Mrs. Sul. Have we not been a perpetual offence to each other? a gnawing vulture at the heart?
Squire Sul. A frightful goblin to the sight?
Mrs. Sul. A porcupine to the feeling?
Squire Sul. Perpetual wormwood to the taste?
Mrs. Sul. Is there on earth a thing we could agree in?
Squire Sul. Yes—to part.
Mrs. Sul. With all my heart
Squire Sul. Your hand.
Mrs. Sul. Here.[270]
Squire Sul. These hands joined us, these shall part us. —Away!
Mrs. Sul. North
Squire Sul. South.
Mrs. Sul. East.
Squire Sul. West—far as the poles asunder.
Count Bel. Begar, the ceremony be vera pretty!
Sir Chas. Now, Mr. Sullen, there wants only my sister's fortune to make us easy.
Squire Sul. Sir Charles, you love your sister, and I love her fortune; every one to his fancy.[281]
Arch. Then you won't refund;
Squire Sul. Not a stiver.
Arch. Then I find, madam, you must e'en go to your prison again.
Count Bel. What is the portion?
Sir Chas. Ten thousand pounds, sir.
Count Bel. Garzoon, I 'll pay it, and she shall go home wid me.[289]
Arch. Ha! ha! ha! French all over.— Do you know, sir, what ten thousand pounds English is?
Count Bel. No, begar, not justement.
Arch. Why, sir, 'tis a hundred thousand livres.
Count Bel. A hundre tousand livres! Ah! garzoon, me canno' do't, your beauties and their fortunes are both too much for me.
Arch. Then I will.—This night's adventure has proved strangely lucky to us all—for Captain Gibbet in his walk had made bold, Mr. Sullen, with your study and escritoir, and had taken out all the writings of your estate, all the articles of marriage with thislady, bills, bonds, leases, receipts to an infinite value: I took 'em from him, and I deliver 'em to Sir Charles.
[Gives Sir Charles Freeman a parcel of papers and parchments.
Squire Sul. How, my writings!—my head aches consumedly.—Well, gentlemen, you shall have her fortune, but I can't talk. If you have a mind, Sir Charles, to be merry, and celebrate my sister's wedding and my divorce, you may command my house—but my head aches consumedly.—Scrub, bring me a dram.
Arch. [To Mrs. Sullen.] Madam, there's a country dance to the trifle that I sung to-day; your hand, and we'll lead it up.
Here a Dance.
Twould be hard to guess which of these parties is the better pleased, the couple joined, or the couple parted; the one rejoicing in hopes of an untasted happiness, and the other in their deliverance from an experienced misery. Both happy in their several states we find, Those parted by consent, and those conjoined. Consent, if mutual, saves the lawyer's fee. Consent is law enough to set you free.
[Exeunt omnes.
If to our play your judgment can't be kind, Let its expiring author pity find: Survey his mournful case with melting eyes, Nor let the bard be damn'd before he dies. Forbear, you fair, on his last scene to frown, But his true exit with a plaudit crown; Then shall the dying poet cease to fear The dreadful knell, while your applause he hear. At Leuctra so the conquering Theban died, Claim'd his friends' praises, but their tears denied: Pleased in the pangs of death he greatly thought Conquest with loss of life but cheaply bought The difference this, the Greek was one would fight As brave, though not so gay, as Serjeant Kite; Ye sons of Will's, what's that to those who write? To Thebes alone the Grecian owed his bays, You may the bard above the hero raise, Since yours is greater than Athenian praise.