Anofficer relating his feats to the Marshal de Bessompiere, said, that in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own hand: "And I," said the Marshal, "descended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit a pretty girl." "How could that be," said the captain, "since there are no chimneys in that country?" "What, Sir!" said the Marshal, "I have allowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and surely you may permit me to descend a chimney in Switzerland."
A traveledLondon lady gives the following incident, among others, to a circle of admiring friends, on her return from America: "I was a dinin' haboard a first-class steamboat on the Hoeigho river. The gentleman next me, on my right, was a Southerner, and the gentleman on my left was a Northerner. Well, they gets into a kind of discussion on the habbolition question, when some 'igh words hariz. 'Please to retract, Sir,' said the Southerner. 'Won't do it,' said the Northerner. 'Pray, ma'am,' said the Southerner, 'will you 'ave the goodness to lean back in your chair?' 'With the greatest pleasure,' said I, not knowin' what was a comin'. When what does my gentleman do but whips out an 'oss pistil as long as my harm, and shoots my left 'and neighbor dead! But that wasn't hall! for the bullet, comin' out of the left temple, wounded a lady in the side. She huttered an 'orrifick scream. 'Pon my word, ma'am,' said the Southerner, 'you needn't make so much noise about it, for I did it by a mistake.'" "And was justice done the murderer?" asked a horrified listener. "Hinstantly, dear madam," answered Miss L——. "The cabin passengers set right to work, and lynched him. They 'ung 'im in the lamp chains right hover the dinin' table, and then finished the dessert. But for my part, it quite spoiled my happetite."
A Hibernian, seeing an old man and woman in the stocks, said that they put him in mind of "the babes in the wood."
TheriverMonitortells the following story:
A countryman (farmer) went into a store in Boston, the other day, and told the keeper that a neighbor of his had entrusted him some money to expend to the best advantage, and he meant to do it where he would be the best treated. He had been used very ill by the traders in Boston, and he would not part with his neighbor's money until he had found a man who would treat him about right. With the utmost suavity the trader says:
"I think I can treat you to your liking; how do you want to be treated?"
"Well," said the farmer, with a leer in his eye, "in the first place, I want a glass of toddy," which was forthcoming. "Now I will have a nice cigar," says the countryman. It was promptly handed him, leisurely lighted, and then throwing himself back with his feet as high as his head, he commenced puffing away like a Spaniard.
"Now what do you want to purchase?" says the store-keeper.
"My neighbor," said the countryman, "handed me two cents when I left home, to buy a plug of tobacco—have you got that article?"
The store-keeper sloped instanter.
A wittyknave bargained with a seller of lace in London for as much as would reach from one of his ears to the other. When they had agreed, it appeared that one of his ears was nailed at the pillory in Bristol.
A fewdays since, writes an attorney, as I was sitting with Brother D——, in his office, Court Square, a client came in, and said—
"Squire D——, W——, the stabler, shaved me dreadfully, yesterday, and I want to come up with him."
"State your case," says D——.
"I asked him," said Client, "how much he would charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Dedham. He said one dollar and a half. I took the team, and when I came back, I paid him one dollar and a half, and he said he wanted another dollar and a half for coming back, and made me pay it."
D—— gave him some legal advice, which the client immediately acted upon as follows:
He went to the stabler and said—
"How much will you charge me for a horse and wagon to go to Salem?"
Stabler replied—"Five dollars."
"Harness him up!"
Client went to Salem, came back by railroad, and went to the stabler, saying—
"Here is your money," paying him five dollars.
"Where is my horse and wagon?" says W.
"He is at Salem," says Client; "I only hired him to go to Salem."
"Youare always yawning," said a woman to her husband. "My dear friend," replied he, "the husband and wife areone; and when I amalone, I grow weary."
A correspondentof theRichmond Dispatchtells the following in a letter from one of the Springs:
An amusing incident occurred in the cars of the Virginia and Tennessee road, which must be preserved in print. It is too good to be lost. As the train entered the Big Tunnel, near this place, in accordance with the usual customa lampwas lit. A servant girl, accompanying her mistress, had sunk in a profound slumber, but just as the lamp was lit she awoke, and half asleep imagined herself in the infernal regions. Frantic with fright, she implored her Maker to have mercy on her, remarking at the same time, "The devil has got me at last." Her mistress, sitting on the seat in front of the terrified negress, was deeply mortified, and called upon her—"Molly, don't make such a noise; it is I, be not afraid." The poor African immediately exclaimed, "Oh, missus, dat you? Jest what I 'spected; I always thought if eber I got to de bad place, I would see you dar." These remarks were uttered with such vehemence, that not a word was lost, and the whole coach became convulsed with laughter.
A minikinthree-and-a-half-feet Colonel, being one day at the drill, was examining a strapper of six feet four. "Come, fellow, hold up your head; higher, fellow!" "Yes, Sir." "Higher, fellow—higher." " What—so, Sir?" "Yes, fellow." "And am I always to remain so?" "Yes, fellow, certainly." "Why then, good bye. Colonel, for I never shall see you again."
FROM PHŒNIXIANA.
Mr. Mudgehas just arrived in San Diego from Arkansas; he brings with him four yoke of oxen, seventeen American cows, nine American children, and Mrs. Mudge. They have encamped in the rear of our office, pending the arrival of the next coasting steamer.
Mr. Mudge is about thirty-seven years of age, his hair is light, not a "sable silvered," but ayallergilded; you can see some of it sticking out of the top of his hat; his costume is the national costume of Arkansas, coat, waistcoat, and pantaloons of homespun cloth, dyed a brownish yellow, with a decoction of the bitter barked butternut—a pleasing alliteration; his countenance presents a determined, combined with a sanctimonious expression, and in his brightly gleaming eye—a red eye we think it is—we fancy a spark of poetic fervor may be distinguished.
Mr. Mudge called on us yesterday. We were eating watermelon. Perhaps the reader may have eaten watermelon, if so, he knows how difficult a thing it is to speak, when the mouth is filled with the luscious fruit, and the slippery seed and sweet though embarrassing juice is squizzling out all over the chin and shirt-bosom. So at first we said nothing, but waved with our case knife toward an unoccupied box, as who should say sit down. Mr. Mudge accordingly seated himself, and removing his hat (whereat all his hair sprang up straight like a Jack in a box), turned that article of dress over and over in his hands, and contemplated its condition with alarming seriousness.
"Take some melon, Mr. Mudge," said we, as with a sudden bolt we recovered our speech and took another slice ourself. "No, I thank you," replied Mr. Mudge, "I wouldn't choose any, now."
There was a solemnity in Mr. Mudge's manner that arrested our attention; we paused, and holding a large slice of watermelon dripping in the air, listened to what he might have to say.
"Thar was a very serious accident happened to us," said Mr. Mudge, "as we wos crossin' the plains. 'Twas on the bank of the Peacus river. Thar was a young man named Jeames Hambrick along and another young feller, he got to fooling with his pistil, and he shot Jeames. He was a good young man and hadn't a enemy in the company; we buried him thar on the Peacus river, we did, and as we went off, these here lines sorter passed through my mind." So saying, Mr. Mudge rose, drew from his pocket—his waistcoat pocket—a crumpled piece of paper, and handed it over. Then he drew from his coat-tail pocket, a large cotton handkerchief, with a red ground and yellow figure, slowly unfolded it, blew his nose—an awful blast it was—wiped his eyes, and disappeared. We publish Mr. Mudge's lines, with the remark, that any one who says they have no poets or poetry in Arkansas, would doubt the existence of William Shakspeare:
DIRGE ON THE DEATH OF JEAMES HAMBRICK.
BY MR ORION W. MUDGE, ESQ.it was on June the tenthour hearts were very sadfor it was by an awful accidentwe lost a fine young ladJeames Hambric was his nameand alas it was his lotto you I tell the samehe was accidently shoton the peacus river sidethe sun was very hotand its there he fell and diedwhere he was accidently shoton the road his character goodwithout a stain or blotand in our opinions groweduntil he was accidently shota few words only he spokefor moments he had notand only then he seemed to chokeI was accidently shotwe wrapped him in a blanket goodfor coffin we had notand then we buried him where he stoodwhen he was accidently shotand as we stood around his graveour tears the ground did blotwe prayed to god his soul to savehe was accidently shot
This is all, but I writ at the time a epitaff which I think is short and would do to go over his grave:—
EPITAFF
here lies the body of Jeames Hambrickwho was accidently shoton the bank of the peacus riverby a young man
he was accidently shot with one of the large size colt's revolver with no stopper for the cock to rest on it was one of the old fashion kind brass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven.
truly yourn,
Orion W Mudge Esq
A braceof partridges being brought in to supper for three gentlemen; "Come, Tom," said one of them, "you are fresh from the schools, let us see how learnedly you can divide these two birds among us three." "With all my heart;" answered Tom, "there is one foryou twoand here is one forme too."
Mrs. B.desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written; adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had otherirons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the Doctor, after having turned over a few leaves, "I advise you, Madam, to put it where your other irons are."
FROM SIR JONAH BARRINGTON'S SKETCHES.
TheBaronet had certainly one great advantage over all other bull and blunder makers: he seldom launched a blunder from which some fine aphorism or maxim might not be easily extracted. When a debate arose in the Irish house of commons on the vote of a grant which was recommended by Sir John Parnel, chancellor of the exchequer, as one not likely to be felt burdensome for many years to come—it was observed in reply, that the house had no just right to load posterity with a weighty debt for what could in no degree operate to their advantage. Sir Boyle, eager to defend the measures of government, immediately rose, and in a very few words, put forward the most unanswerable argument which human ingenuity could possibly devise. "What, Mr. Speaker!" said he, "and so we are to beggar ourselves for fear of vexing posterity! Now, I would ask the honorable gentleman, and thisstill morehonorable house, why we should put ourselves out of our way forposterity: for what hasposteritydone forus?"
Sir Boyle, hearing the roar of laughter which of course followed this sensible blunder, but not being conscious that he had said anything out of the way, was rather puzzled, and conceived that the house had misunderstood him. He therefore begged leave to explain, as he apprehended that gentlemen had entirely mistaken his words: he assured the house that "byposterity, he did not at all mean ourancestors, but those who were to comeimmediatelyafterthem." Upon hearing thisexplanation, it was impossible to do any serious business for half an hour.
Sir Boyle Roche was induced by government to fight as hard as possible for the union: so he did, and I really believe fancied, by degrees, that he was right. On one occasion, a general titter arose at his florid picture of the happiness which must proceed from this event. "Gentlemen," said Sir Boyle, "may titther, and titther, and titther, and may think it a bad measure; but their heads at present are hot, and will so remain till they grow cool again; and so they can't decide right now; but when theday of judgmentcomes,thenhonorable gentlemen will be satisfied at this most excellent union. Sir, there is no Levitical degrees between nations, and on this occasion I can see neither sin nor shame inmarrying our own sister."
He was a determined enemy to the French revolution, and seldom rose in the house for several years without volunteering some abuse of it. "Mr. Speaker," said he, in a mood of this kind, "if we once permitted the villanous French masons to meddle with the buttresses and walls of our ancient constitution, they would never stop, nor stay, Sir, till they brought the foundation-stones tumbling down about the ears of the nation! There," continued Sir Boyle, placing his hand earnestly on his heart, his powdered head shaking in unison with his loyal zeal, while he described the probable consequences of an invasion of Ireland by the French republicans; "There Mr. Speaker! if those Gallican villains should invade us, Sir, 'tis onthat very table, may-be, these honorable members might see their own destinies lying in heaps a-top of one another!' Here perhaps, Sir, the murderousMarshallaw-men(Marseillois) would break in, cut us to mince-meat, and throw our bleeding heads upon that table, to stare us in the face!"
Sir Boyle, on another occasion, was arguing for the habeas corpus suspension bill in Ireland: "It would surely be better, Mr. Speaker," said he, "to give up not only apart, but, if necessary, even thewhole, of our constitution, to preservethe remainder!"
"I cannotconceive," said one nobleman to another, "how you manage; my estate is better than yours, yet you live better than I do."
"My lord, I have a place."
"A place! I never heard of it; what place?"
"I ammy own steward."
Manyyears ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in the midst of his sermon, the alarm was given,A wreck! a wreck!The congregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, when the parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. This arrested their attention until the preacher, throwing off his canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, "Now, let's all start fair!"
AnIrishman meeting his friend, said, "I've just met our old acquaintance Patrick, and he's grown so thin, I could hardly know him. You are thin, and I am thin; but he isthinner than both of us put together."
A poorcurate for his Sunday dinner sent his servant to a chandler's shop, kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs on credit. This being refused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might as well go to church, and entered as her master, in the midst of his discourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, "What says Paul?" The good woman, supposing the question addressed to her, answered, "Paul says, Sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your old score."
A personof this description, seated with his pot companions, was in the midst of one of his best stories, when he was suddenly called away to go on board of a vessel, in which he was to sail for Jamaica. Returning in about a twelvemonth, he resumed his old seat, among his cronies. "Well, gentlemen," proceeded he, "as I was saying——"
AnIrish Peer, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting a celebrated barrister, the latter asked, "When do you mean to put yourwhiskerson thepeace establishment?" His lordship answered, "When you put yourtongueon thecivil list."
"Whatare you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother's dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
A peasant, being at confession, accused himself of having stolen some hay. The father-confessor asked him how many bundles he had taken from the stack: "That is of no consequence," replied the peasant; "you may set it down a wagon-load; for my wife and I are going to fetch the remainder soon."
A mandriving a number of cattle to Boston, one of his cows went into a barn-yard, where there stood a young lad. The drover calls to the boy, "Stop that cow, my lad, stop that cow." "I am no constable, Sir." "Turn her out then." "She is right side out now, Sir." "Well, speak to her then." The boy took off his hat, and very handsomely addressed the cow, with "Your servant, madam." The drover rode into the yard, and drove the cow out himself.
A personwas boasting that he was sprung from a high family in Ireland. "Yes," said a bystander, "I have seen some of the same family so high that their feet could not touch the ground."
"Mr. Jenkins, will it suit you to settle that old account of yours?"
"No, Sir, you are mistaken in the man, I am not one of the oldsettlers."
A lad, standing by while his father lost a large sum at play, burst into tears. On being asked the cause, "O Sir," answered he, "I have read that Alexander wept because his father Philip gained so many conquests that he would leave himnothing to gain; I on the contrary weep for fear that you will leave menothing to lose."
A gentlemanpassing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did thus: "I have been abused here, by some of therascalsof this inn, and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are thePrincipal."
Lord Lyttletonasked a clergyman the use of his pulpit for a young divine he had brought down with him. "I really know not," said the parson, "how to refuse your Lordship; but if the gentleman preach better than I, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he preach worse, he is not fit to preach at all."
A hereticin medicine being indisposed, his physician happened to call. Being told that the doctor was below, he said, "Tell him to call another time; I am unwell, and can't see him now."
Whois not carried back to good old times as he reads this sketch of Connecticut goin' to meetin' fifty years ago? It is a genuine story contributed to the Drawer:
"In the early part of the ministry of Rev. Jehu C——k, who preached many years in one of the pleasant towns in the western part of Connecticut, it was the custom of many of the good ladies from the distant parts of his parish to bring with them food, which they ate at noon; or as they used to say, 'between the intermission.' Some brought a hard-boiled egg, some a nut-cake, some a sausage; but one good woman, who had tried them all, and found them all too dry, brought some pudding and milk. In order to bring it in a dish from which it would not spill over on the road, and yet be convenient to eat from, she took a pitcher with a narrow neck at the top, but spreading at the bottom. Arrived at the meeting-house, she placed it under the seat. The exercises of the day soon commenced, and the old lady became wholly rapt in her devotional feelings. Though no philosopher, she knew by practice—as many church-goers seem to have learned—that she could receive and 'inwardly digest' the sermon by shutting her eyes, and opening her mouth, and allowing all her senses to go to sleep. While thus prepared, and lost to all external impressions, she was suddenly startled by a rustling and splashing under the seat. She had no time to consider the cause before she discovered her dog, Put, backing out with the neck of the pitcher over his head, and the pudding and milk drizzling out. Poor Put had been fixing his thoughts on material objects alone; and taking advantage of the quietness of the occasion, had crept under the seat of his mistress, where he was helping himself to a dinner. His head had glided easily through the narrow portion of the pitcher; but, when quite in, it was as securely fixed as an eel in a pot. Unable to extricate himself, he had no alternative but to be smothered or back out. The old lady bore the catastrophe in no wise quietly. A thousand terrible thoughts rushed into her mind; the ludicrous appearance of the dog and pitcher, the place, the occasion, the spattering of her garments, the rascally insult of the puppy—but, above all, the loss of her 'Sabber-day' dinner. At the top of her voice she cried,
"'Get out, Put! get out! Oh, Jehu! I'm speakin' right out in meetin'! Oh! I'm talkin' all the time!'
"The scene that followed is not to be described. The frightened old lady seized her dog and pitcher, and rushed out of meeting; the astonished preacher paused in the midst of his discourse, while the whole congregation were startled out of their propriety by the explosion; and it was some time before order and the sermon were again resumed."
Armond, the great comedian, had a great curiosity to see Louis XIV. in chapel, and accordingly presented himself one morning during service at the door. The sentinel refused to admit him.
"But, friend," said Armond, "you must let me pass; I am his majesty's barber."
"Ah, that may be," said the sentinel, "but the king does not shave in church."
"Wheredid you get so much money, Isaac?" said Mrs. Partington, as he shook a half handful of copper cents before her, grinning all the while like a rogue that he is; "have you found the hornicopia or has anybody given you a request?" She was a little anxious. "I got it from bets," said he, chucking them into the air, and allowing half of them to clatter and rattle about the floor with all the importance of dollars. "Got them from Bets, did you?" replied she; "and who is Bets that she should give you money?—she must be some low creature, or you would not speak of her so disrespectably. I hope you will not get led away by any desolate companions, Isaac, and become an unworthy membrane of society." How tenderly the iron-bowed spectacles beamed upon him! "I mean bets," said he, laughing, "that I won on Burlingame." "Dear me!" she exclaimed, "how could you do so when gaming is such a horrid habit? Why, sometimes people are arranged at the bar for it." She was really uneasy until he explained that, in imitation of older ones, he had bet some cents on Burlingame and had won.
Ata late court, a man and his wife brought cross actions, each charging the other with having committed assault and battery. On investigation, it appeared that the husband had pushed the door against the wife, and the wife in turn pushed the door against the husband. A gentleman of the bar remarked that he could see no impropriety in a man and his wife a-door-ing each other.
Charles Lambonce, while riding in company with a lady, descried a party denuded for swimming a little way off. He remarked: "Those girls ought to go to a more retired place." "They are boys," replied the lady. "You may be right," rejoined Charlie, "I can't distinguish so accurately as you, at such a distance."
"Sallie,"said a young man to his red-haired sweetheart, "keep your head away from me; you will set me on fire."
"No danger," was the contemptuous answer, "you are too green to burn."
A Gasconwas vaunting one day, that in his travels he had been caressed wherever he went, and had seen all the great men throughout Europe. "Have you seen the Dardanelles?" inquired one of the company. "Parbleu!" says he; "I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them several times."
Theforce of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy, between two lawyers:
"Sir," demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?"
"No, Sir," said the other coolly, "I do notimagineyou to be one."
A man, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, was tried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name as Auguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he had forgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from 1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessite had been born there during that time, and that was a girl.
"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge.
"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't."
"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?"
"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it was somewhere else."
"Where does your family live at present?"
"I don't know; I've forgotten."
"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?"
"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and then again I think I haven't."
"What trade do you follow?"
"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can't tell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other."
AnIrish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to his friend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearance of it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?—what would your honor have me to tell him?"
Ilaidat my friend's house last night, andjustas Ilaid me downto sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which wasjustover the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which wasjusteven with the floor of my room. Well, Ijustpeeped up, and as the moon wasjustrising, Ijustsaw the head of a man; so Igot me upsoftly,justas I was, in my shirt,goesto where the pistolslaidthat I hadjustloaded, and laid themjustwithin my reach. I hid myself behind the curtains,justas he was completely in the room.Justas I was about to lift my hand to shoot him,thinks I, would it bejustto killthis hereman, withoutonewere sure he came with anunjustintention? so Ijustcried outhem!upon which he fell to the ground, and there helaid, and I couldjustsee that he lookedjustas if he was dead; so Ijustasked him what business he had inthat thereroom? Poor man! he couldjustspeak, and said he hadjustcome to see Mary!
Toa gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wife before his second, she one day said, "Indeed, Sir, no one regrets her more than I do."
A politeyoung lady recently asserted that she had lived near a barn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning, on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen."
Thebest hit we have lately seen at theratherAmerican fashion of employing big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in the following dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness:
"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down withmalice prepense?"
"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron."
"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked him with any evil intent?"
"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent."
"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a preconcerted affair?"
"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair—it was at a circus."
A wealthyJew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave to quit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission to travel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the following answer:
"Dear Ephraim,"Nothing but death shall part us."FREDERICK."
WhenWoodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A few days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it." "I think," said Garrick, "that you struck out all the beauties in it."
Fredrick I.of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, was wont to ask him, "How old are you?—how long have you been in my service?—have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchman who had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer of the questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answers ready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed the questions:
Q. How long have you been in my service?
A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty.
Q. How old are you?
A. One year.
The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool." The soldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay and clothing, replied, "Both, and please your majesty."
AnIrish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of the late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unlucky soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such a noise for?Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?"
"Mister, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't want to hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't."
A personarrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friend after their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had the misfortune to be hanged during his absence:
"How is Tom Moody?"
"He is dead."
"He was in the grocery line when I left this."
"He was in quite a differentlinewhen he died."
A Jamaica planter, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of theilluminatingBardolph, was taking hissiestaafter dinner, when a mosquito lighting on hisproboscis, instantly flew back. "Aha! massa mosquito," cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "you burn your foot!"
Ina very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in her communication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened to be, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out, there is nobody to hear us."
Louis XIV.traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, he asked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered, "Bruges—Paris—a benefice." "You shall have it."
A gentlemanhaving to fight a main in the country, gave charge to his servant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; on opening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of them dead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master for putting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger of them hurting each other, as they were going to fighton the same side.
AnIrish soldier called out to his companion:
"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner."
"Bring him along, then; bring him along!"
"He won't come."
"Then come yourself."
"He won't let me."
A downrightJohn Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glass of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursedFrench stuff." The waiter said respectfully, "Genuine British, Sir, I assure you."
A gentlemanin the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once."
Thelate Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following hits took place:
W.I fear, Charles, youlosea great deal oftimewith this fiddling.
S.Sir, I endeavor tokeep time.
W.You mean rather tokill time.
S.No, I onlybeat time.
A Frenchgentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, "you are a complete proof of the contrary."
Inthe campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, was ordered to formtwo deep. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'mtoo deepalready; I am up to the middle."
Anuninformed Irishman, hearing theSphinxalluded to in company, whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man." "Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "a Munster-man! I thought he was from Connaught."
Whenthe late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the worst part of her Grace's property."
A buckhaving his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to the Irish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all thepolishyou have is on your boots, and that I gave you."
A beggarimportuned a lady for alms; she gave him a shilling. "God bless your ladyship!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing my resolution." The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked what he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this shilling I should have been obliged to goto work."
A sailorbeing in a company where the shape of the earth was disputed, said, "Why look ye, gentlemen, they pretend to say the earth isround; now I have been allroundit, and I, Jack Oakum, assure you it isas flat as a pancake."
Fewpersons in this part of the country are aware of the difference that exists between our manners and customs, and those of the people of the Western States. Their elections, their courts of justice, present scenes that would strike one with astonishment and alarm. If the jurors are not, as has been asserted, run down with dogs and guns, color is given to charges like this, by the repeated successful defiances of law and judges that occur, by the want of dignity and self-respect evinced by the judges themselves, and by the squabbles and brawls that take place between members of the bar. There is to be found occasionally there, however, a judge of decision and firmness, to compel decorum even among the most turbulent spirits, or at least to punish summarily all violations of law and propriety. The following circumstances which occurred in Kentucky were related to us by a gentleman who was an eye witness of the whole transaction.
Several years since, Judge R., a native of Connecticut, was holding a court at Danville. A cause of considerable importance came on, and a Mr. D., then a lawyer of considerable eminence, and afterwards a member of Congress, who resided in a distant part of the State, was present to give it his personal supervision. In the course of Mr. D.'s argument, he let fall some profane language, for which he was promptly checked and reprimanded by the Judge. Mr. D., accustomed to unrestrained license of tongue, retorted with great asperity, and much harshness of language.
"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge coolly, "put down twenty dollars fine to Mr. D."
"By ——," said Mr. D.; "I'll never pay a cent of it under heaven, and I'll swear as much as I ——please."
"Put down another fine of twenty dollars, Mr. Clerk."
"I'll see the devil have your whole generation," rejoined Mr. D., "before my pockets shall be picked by a cursed Yankee interloper."
"Another twenty dollar fine, Mr. Clerk."
"You may put on as many fines as you please, Mr. Judge, but by —— there's a difference between imposing and collecting, I reckon."
"Twenty dollars more, Mr. Clerk."
"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. D. with some bitterness, "you are trifling with me, I see, Sir; but I can tell you I understand no such joking; and by ----, Sir, you will do well to make an end of it."
"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge with great composure, "add twenty dollars more to the fine, and hand the account to the Sheriff. Mr. D., the money must be paid immediately, or I shall commit you to prison."
The violence of the lawyer compelled the Judge to add another fine; and before night, the obstreperous barrister was swearing with all his might to the bare walls of the county jail. The session of the court was terminated, and the lawyer, seeing no prospect of escape through the mercy of the Judge, after a fortnight's residence in prison, paid his fine of a hundred and twenty dollars, and was released.
He now breathed nothing but vengeance.
"I'll teach the Yankee scoundrel," said he, "that a member of the Kentucky bar is not to be treated in this manner with impunity."
The Judge held his next court at Frankfort, and thither Mr. D. repaired to take revenge for the personal indignity he had suffered. Judge R. is as remarkable for resolute fearlessness as for talents, firmness, and integrity; and after having provided himself with defensive weapons, entered upon the discharge of his duties with the most philosophic indifference. On passing from his hotel to the court-house, the Judge noticed that a man of great size, and evidently of tremendous muscular strength, followed him so closely as to allow no one to step between. He observed also that Mr. D., supported by three or four friends, followed hard upon the heels of the stranger, and on entering the court room, posted himself as near the seat of the Judge as possible—the stranger meantime taking care to interpose his huge body between the lawyer and the Judge. For two or three days, matters went on this way; the stranger sticking like a burr to the Judge, and the lawyer and his assistants keeping as near as possible, but refraining from violence. At length, the curiosity of Judge R. to learn something respecting the purposes of the modern Hercules became irrepressible, and he invited him to his room, and inquired who he was, and what object he had in view in watching his movements thus pertinaciously.
"Why, you see," said the stranger, ejecting a quid of tobacco that might have freighted a small skiff, "I'm a ringtailed roarer from Big Sandy River; I can outrun, outjump, and outfight any man in Kentucky. They telled me in Danville, that this 'ere lawyer was comin down to give you a lickin. Now I hadn't nothin agin that, only he wan't a goin to give you fair play, so I came here to see you out, and now if you'll only say the word, we can flog him and his mates, in the twinkling of a quart pot."
Mr. D. soon learned the feeling in which the champion regarded him, and withdrew without attempting to execute his threats of vengeance upon the Judge.
Onhis entrance into Philadelphia, General Lafayette was accompanied in the barouche by the venerable Judge Peters. The dust was somewhat troublesome, and from his advanced age, &c., the General felt and expressed some solicitude lest his companion should experience inconvenience from it. To which he replied: General you do not recollect that I am aJUDGE—I do not regard theDUST, I am accustomed to it. The lawyers throw dust in my eyes almost every day in the court-house."
A physiciancalling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient rejoicing in his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Come along, doctor," exclaimed the valetudinarian, "you are just in time to taste this bottle of Madeira; it is the first of a pipe that has just been broached." "Ah!" replied the doctor, "these pipes of Madeira will never do; they are the cause of all your suffering." "Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill up your glass, for now that we have found out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better."
"Takea ticket, Sir, for the Widow and Orphans Fund of the Spike Society?" "Well, y-e-a-s!—don't care much though for the orphans, butI goes in strong for the widows!"
Mrs. Partington, after listening to the reading of an advertisement for a young ladies' boarding school, said:
"For my part, I can't deceive what on airth eddication is coming to. When I was young, if a girl only understood the rules of distraction, provision, multiplying, replenishing, and the common dominator, and knew all about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and domitories, the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication enough. But now they are to study bottomy, algierbay, and have to demonstrate supposition of sycophants of circuses, tangents and Diogenes and parallelogramy, to say nothing about the oxhides, corostics, and abstruse triangles!" Thus saying, the old lady leaned back in her chair, her knitting work fell in her lap, and for some minutes she seemed in meditation.
A certainGeneral of the United States Army, supposing his favorite horse dead, ordered an Irishman to go and skin him.
"What! is Silver Tail dead?" asked Pat.
"What is that to you?" said the officer, "do as I bid you, and ask me no questions."
Pat went about his business, and in about two hours returned.
"Well, Pat, where have you been all this time?" asked the general.
"Skinning your horse, your honor."
"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?"
"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catch the horse."
"Catch him! Fires and furies—was he alive?"
"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know."
"Skin him alive! did you kill him?"
"To be sure I did, your honor—and sure you know I must obey orders without asking questions."
Asa nobleman was receiving from Louis XIII. the investiture of an Ecclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion,Domine, non sum dignus.—"Lord, I am not worthy." "I know that well enough," replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of my cousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you."
Atan election, a candidate solicited a vote.
"I would rather vote for the devil than you," was the reply.
"But in case your friend is not a candidate," said the solicitor, "might I then count on your assistance?"
Ananecdote, illustrative of the wit of Irish "jarveys," is going the rounds in Dublin. Mr. —— is a man of aldermanic proportions. He chartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, and drove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence, which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for the distance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place of taking the money which Mr. ——held in his hands, he busied himself putting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at the back of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shook ostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head with it. After doing so he took the "fare" from the passenger, who, surprised at the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole of these proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" To which the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to the infinite amusement of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I cover the horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn't want to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so far for sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen, that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his ready joke.
A gentlemancomplained that his apothecary had so stuffed him with drugs, that he wassickfor a fortnight after he wasquite well.
Thecaptain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, a Scotchman, announced his death to his lordship, adding he was sorry to inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much the better," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of aBritish clergyman?" "Why, because I believe I am the first captain that ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all."
A counsel, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of assault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give the defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learned counsel, had notimpudenceenough to repeat? She replied in the affirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough," said he, "to tell the Court what these words were?" "Why, Sir," replied she, "ifyouhave notimpudenceenough to speak them, how can you suppose thatIhave?"
A ladycame up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth, which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house," said the lady. "It cannot be complied with," was the reply. "Do you know who I am, Sir?" "No, Madam." "I am the Captain'slady." "If you were his wife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!"
A pragmaticalfellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town, entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath his dignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he was taking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewhere discussing the point, as to what class their customer belonged. At length the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous. "Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for the house!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure, Sir, that you was no gentleman."
Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a glass of brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and after drinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir," said the waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition: call your master." The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating, when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence is the price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not entitled to that character trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to get rid of them."
A personwho had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of the possibility of it," said he, "I have known negroes who thought as little of alieor anoathas any European whatever."
"I andDisraeli put up at the same tavern last night," said a dandified snob, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation then for man and beast," replied a bystander.
A noble, but not a learned lord, having been suspected to be the author of a very severe but well written pamphlet against a gentleman high in office, he sent him a challenge. His lordship professed his innocence, assuring the gentleman that he was not the author; but the other would not be satisfied without a denial under his hand. My lord therefore took the pen and began, "This is to scratify, that the buk called the ——" "Oh, my lord!" said the gentleman, "I am perfectly satisfied that your lordship did not write the book."
Charles V., speaking of the different languages of Europe, thus described them: "TheFrenchis the best language to speak to one's friend—theItalianto one's mistress—theEnglishto the people—theSpanishto God—and theGermanto a horse."
Whyis a man eating soup with a fork like another kissing his sweetheart? Do you give it up?
Because it takes so long to get enough of it.
Bob Pickering, short, squat, and squinting, with a yellow "wipe" round his "squeeze," was put to the bar on violent suspicion of dog-stealing.
Mr. Davis, Silk-mercer, Dover-street, Piccadilly, said:—About an hour before he entered the office, while sitting in his parlor, he heard a loud barking noise, which he was convinced was made by a favorite little dog, his property. He went out, and in the passage caught the prisoner in the act of conveying it into the street in his arms.
Mr. Dyer:What have you to say? You are charged with attempting to steal the dog.
Prisoner:(affecting a look of astonishment)—Vot, mesteala dog? Vy, I'm ready and villing to take my solomon hoth 'at I'm hinnocent of sitch an hadwenture. Here's thefactotalof the consarn as I'm a honest man. I vos a coming along Hoxfud-street, ven I seed this here poor dumb hanimal a running about vith not nobody arter him, and a looking jest as if he vas complete lost. Vhile I vos in this here sittivation, a perfect gentleman comes up to me, and says he, "Vot a cussed shame," says he, "that 'ere handsome young dog should be vithout a nateral pertectur! I'm blow'd, young man," says he, "if I vos you if I vouldn't pick it up and prewent the wehicles from a hurting on it; and," says he, "I'd adwise you, 'cause you looks sowerry honestand so werry respectable, to take pity on the poor dumb dog and go and buy it a ha'porth of wittles." Vell, my lord, you see I naterally complied vith his demand, and vos valking avay vith it for to look for a prime bit ofbowwowgrub, ven up comes this here good gentleman, and vants to swear as how I vos arterpriggingon it!
Mr. Dyer:How do you get your living?
Prisoner:Vorks along vith my father and mother—and lives vith my relations wot's perticler respectable.
Mr. Dyer:Policeman, do you know anything of the prisoner?
Policeman:The prisoner's three brothers were transported last session, and his mother and father are now in Clerkenwell. The prisoner has been a dog-stealer for years.
Prisoner:Take care vot you say—if you proves your vords, vy my carrecter vill be hingered, and I'm blowed if you shan't get a "little vun in" ven I comes out ofquod.
Mr. Dyer:What is the worth of the dog?
Mr. Davis:It is worth five pounds, as it is of a valuable breed.
Prisoner:There, your vership, you hear it's a waluable dog—now is it feasible as I should go for to prig a dog wot was a waluable hanimal?
The magistrate appeared to think such an occurrence not at all unlikely, as he committed him to prison for three months.
A Scotchmanwho put up at an inn, was asked in the morning how he slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "no very weel either, but I was muckle better aff than the bugs, for deil a ane o' them closed an e'e the hale nicht."
A Small-made man, with a carefully cultivated pair of carroty-colored mustaches, whose style of seedy toggery presented a tolerably good imitation of a "Polish militaire," came before the commissioners to establish his legal right to fifteen pence, the price charged for a whole-length likeness of oneMisterRobert White, a member of the "black and thirsty" fraternity of coalheavers.
The complainant called himself Signor Johannes Benesontagi, but from all the genuine characteristics of Cockayne which he carried about him, it was quite evident he had Germanized his patronymic of John Benson to suit the present judicious taste of the "pensive public."
Signor Benesontagi, a peripatetic professor of the "fine arts," it appeared was accustomed to visit public-houses for the purpose of caricaturing the countenances of the company, at prices varying from five to fifteen pence. In pursuit of his vocation he stepped into the "Vulcan's Head," where a conclave of coalheavers were accustomed nightly to assemble, with the double view of discussing politics and pots of Barclay's entire. He announced the nature of his profession, and having solicited patronage, he was beckoned into the box where the defendant was sitting, and was offered a shilling for afull-lengthlikeness. This sum the defendant consented to enlarge to fifteen pence, provided the artist would agree to draw him in "full fig:"—red velvet smalls—nankeen gaiters—sky-blue waistcoat—canary wipe—and full-bottomed fantail. The bargain was struck and the picture finished, but when presented to the sitter, he swore "he'd see the man's backopen and shetafore he'd pay the wally of a farden piece for sitch a reg'lar 'snob' as he was made to appear in the portrait."
The defendant was hereupon required to state why he refused to abide by the agreement.
"Vy, my lords and gemmen," said Coaly, "my reasons is this here. That 'ere covey comes into the crib vhere I vos a sitting blowing a cloud behind a drop of heavy, and axes me if as how I'd have my picter draw'd. Vell, my lords, being a little 'lumpy,' and thinking sitch a consarn vould please my Sall, I told him as I'd stand a 'bob,' and be my pot to his'n, perwising as he'd shove me on a pair of prime welwet breeches wot I'd got at home to vear a Sundays. He said he vould, and 'at it should be a 'nout-a-nout' job for he'd larnt to drawphisogomonyunderSir Peter Laurie."
"It's false!" said the complainant, "the brother artist I named was Sir Thomas Lawrence."
"Vere's the difference?" asked the coalheaver. "So, my lords, this here persecutor goes to vork like a Briton, and claps this here thingamy in my fist, vich ain't not a bit like me, but a blessed deal more likerer abull with a belly-ache." (Laughter.)
The defendant pulled out a card and handed it to the bench. On inspection it was certainly a monstrous production, but it did present an ugly likeness of the coalheaver. The commissioners were unanimously of opinion it was a good fifteen-penny copy of the defendant's countenance.
"'Taint a bit like me?" said the defendant, angrily. "Vy, lookee here, he's draw'd me vith abunch of ingansa sticking out of my pocket. I'm werry fond of sitch wegetables, but I never carries none in my pockets."
"A bunch of onions!" replied the incensed artist—"I'll submit it to any gentleman who is arealjudge of the 'fine arts,' whether that (pointing to the appendage) can be taken for any thing else than the gentleman'swatch-seals."
"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the coalheaver; "my votch-seals! Come, that's a good 'un—I never vore no votch-seals, 'cause I never had none—so the pictur can't belikeme."
The commissioners admitted the premises, but denied the conclusion; and being of opinion that the artist had made out his claim, awarded the sum sought, and costs.
The defendant laid down six shillings one by one with the air of a man undergoing the operation of having so many teeth extracted, and taking up his picture, consoled himself by saying, that "pr'aps his foreman, Bill Jones, vould buy it, as he had the luck of vearing a votch on Sundays."
Soonafter Whitefield landed in Boston, on his second visit to this country, he and Dr. Chauncey met in the street, and, touching their hats with courteous dignity, bowed to each other. "So you have returned, Mr. Whitefield, have you?" He replied, "Yes, Reverend Sir, in the service of the Lord." "I am sorry to hear it," said Chauncey. "So is the Devil!" was the answer given, as the two divines, stepping aside at a distance from each other, touched their hats and passed on.
"Yousee, grandma, we perforate an aperture in the apex, and a corresponding aperture in the base; and by applying the egg to the lips, and forcibly inhaling the breath, the shell is entirely discharged of its contents."
"Bless my soul," cried the old lady, "what wonderful improvements they do make! Now in my young days we just made a hole in each end and sucked."