A youthof more vanity than talent, bragging that during his travels he never troubled his father for remittances, and being asked how he lived on the road, answered, "By my wits." "Then," replied his friend, "you must have traveledvery cheaply."
Twosailors on board of a man of war had a sort of religious dispute over their grog, in which one of them referred to theapostle Paul. "He was no apostle," said the other; and this minor question, after much altercation, they agreed to refer to the boatswain's mate, who after some consideration declared "that Paul was certainly neverratedas an apostle on the books, because he is not in the list, which consisted only of twelve; but then he was anacting apostle."
Dr. Radcliffand Dr. Case being together in a jovial company over their bottle, the former, filling his glass, said, "Come, brother Case, here's to all the fools that are your patients." "I thank you, my wise brother Radcliff," answered Case, "let me have all the fools, and you are heartily welcome to all the rest of the practice."
Inthe Jamaica House of Assembly, a motion being made for leave to bring in a bill to prevent the frauds of wharfingers, Mr. Paul Phipps, member for St. Andrew, rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I second the motion; the wharfingers are to a man a set of rogues; I know it well;I was one myself for ten years."
A playerapplied to the manager of a respectable country company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of all the first line of business; but as to himself, he wasthe worst actor in the world. They were engaged, and the lady answered the character given of her. The husband having had the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, asked the manager, indignantly, how he could put him into so paltry a part. "Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you are the worst actor in the world." "True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen you."
Duringthe riots of 1780, when most persons, to save their houses, wrote on their doors,No popery, Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, chalked up on his,No religion.
Louis XI.in his youth used to visit a peasant, whose garden produced excellent fruit. When he ascended the throne, his friend presented him a turnip of extraordinary size. The king smiled, and remembering his past pleasures, ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. The lord of the village hearing of this liberality, thus argued with himself: "If this fellow get a thousand crowns for his turnip, I have only to present a capital horse to the munificent monarch, and my fortune is made." Accordingly he carries to court a beautiful barb, and requests his majesty's acceptance of it. Louis highly praised the steed, and the donor's expectation was raised to the highest, when the king called out, "Bring me my turnip!" and presenting it to the seigneur, added, "This turnip cost me a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse."
Ina trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Erskine, counsel for the defendant, was charged by his opponent with traveling out of his way. Mr. Erskine in answer said, it reminded him of the celebrated Whitefield, who being accused by some of his audience of rambling in his discourse, answered, "If you will ramble to the devil, I must ramble after you."
AnOxford scholar, calling early one morning on another, when in bed, says,
"Jack, are you asleep?"
"Why?"
"Because, I want to borrow half a crown of you."
"Then I am asleep."
Dr. Johnson, about the end of the year 1754, completed the copy of his dictionary, not more to his own satisfaction, than that of Mr. Millar, his bookseller, who, on receiving the concluding sheet, sent him the following note:
"Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him."
To which, the lexicographer returned the following answer:
"Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find, as he does by his note, that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything."
Thekeeper of a mad-house, in a village near London, published an address in a newspaper, inviting customers, and commencing with, "Worthy the attention of the insane!"
Moody, the actor, was robbed of his watch and money. He begged the highwayman to let him have cash enough to carry him to town, and the fellow said, "Well, master Moody, as I know you, I'll lend you half a guinea; but, remember, honor among thieves!" A few days after, he was taken, and Moody hearing that he was at the Brown Bear, in Bow street, went to enquire after his watch; but when he began to speak of it, the fellow exclaimed, "Is that what you want? I thought you had come to pay the half guinea you borrowed of me."
A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, among other things produced a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is the sword with which Balaam was going to kill his ass." "I thought," said one of the company, "that Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one." "You are right, sir," replied the student, nowise abashed, "this is the very sword he wished for."
M. Bouret, a French farmer-general, of immense fortune,but stupid to a proverb, being one day present, when two noblemen were engaged, in a party, at piquet, one of them happening to play a wrong card, exclaimed, "Oh, what a Bouret I am!" Offended at this liberty, Bouret said instantly, "Sir, you are an ass." "The very thing I meant," replied the other.
Executionsnot being very frequent in Sweden there are a great number of towns in that country without an executioner. In one of these a criminal was sentenced to be hanged which occasioned some little embarrassment, as it obliged them to bring a hangman from a distance at a considerable expense, besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young tradesman, belonging to the city council, giving his sentiments, said, "I think, gentlemen, we had best give the malefactor the two crowns, and let him go and be hanged where he pleases."
Thehumors of the telegraph are very amusing. A year or so since, the agent of the Delaware and Hudson Freighting Line, at Honesdale, Pennsylvania, sent the following dispatch to the agent at New York:
"D. Horton—Dear Sir: Please send me a shipping-book for 1859."
The dispatch received, read as follows:
"D. Horton:—Please send me a shipping-box eighteen feet by nine."
The following might have been more disastrous in its results; the same parties were concerned. Mr. Horton wrote to the proprietor of the line that he had been subpœnaed on a trial to be held in the Supreme Court of New York, and that as navigation was about to open, it would be necessary to send a man to perform his office duties. The following reply was entrusted to the tender care of the telegraph wire:
"See the Judge at once and get excused. I cannot send a man in your place."
When received, it read as follows:
"See the Judge at once and get executed; I can send a man in your place."
Mr. H. claims on the margin of the dispatch a stay of execution.
Not long since a gentleman telegraphed to a friend at Cleveland an interesting family affair, as follows:
"Sarah and little one are doing well."
The telegraph reached its destination, when it read thus:
"Sarah and litter are doing well."
The recipient telegraphed back the following startling query:
"For Heaven's sake, how many?"
A clergymanobserved in his sermon, that this was unpardonable, as people did it with theireyes open. Wrapt up in the admiration of his own discourse, he did not observe that from its tediousness his audience one by one had slipped away, until there only remained a natural. Lifting up his eyes, he exclaimed, "What! All gone, except this poor idiot!" "Aye," says the lad, "andif I had not been a poor idiot I had been gone too."
A ladyasked her butler how she might best save a barrel of excellent small beer; he answered, "By placing a cask of strong beer by it."
A letter written during the Irish rebellion.
My dear Sir:—Having now a littlepeace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of a dreadfulbustle and confusionwe are in from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, however, thank God,killed or dispersed.
We are in a prettymess; can getnothing to eat, nor anywineto drink,except whiskey; and when wesit downto dinner, we are obliged tostandwith arms in both hands:whilst I write this letter, I hold a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded, from thebeginning, that this would be theendof it; and I see I was right, forit is not half over yet. At present there is suchgoings on, that every thing isat a stand.
I should have answered your lettera fortnight ago, butit only came this morning. Indeed, hardly a mail arrivessafe, without beingrobbed. Yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin wasrobbednear this town: but thebagshad been judiciouslyleft behind, for fear of accidents; and by good luck there was nobodyin the coach, excepttwo outsidepassengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take.
Last Thursday an alarm was given, that a gang of rebels were advancing hither, under the Frenchstandard; but they had nocolors, nor anydrumsexceptbagpipes. Immediately everymanin the place, includingwomen and children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our forcemuch too little; and they werefartoonearfor us to think of retreating; so to it we went:deathwasin every face; but by the timehalfour little party waskilled, we began to beall alive. The rebels fortunately had noguns, exceptcutlasses and pikes; and as we had plenty ofmuskets and ammunition, we put them all to thesword: not a soul of themescaped, except some that weredrownedin the adjoining bog; and in a very short time nothing was to beheardbutsilence. Theiruniformswereallofdifferent shapesandcolours—in general they were green. After the action we rummaged their camp; all we found was a fewpikes without heads, a parcel ofempty bottles fullof water, and a bundle ofblankFrench commissionsfilled upwith Irishmen's names.
Troops are now stationed every whereroundthe country, which exactlysquareswith my ideas. Nothing, however, can save us but a union, which would turn ourbarren hillsinto fruitfulvalleys. I have onlyleisureto add, that I am ingreat haste.
Yours truly,J. B.
P. S. If you do notreceive this in course, it must havemiscarried, thereforewriteimmediately tolet me know.
A farmer'sson, who had been bred at the university, coming home to visit his parents, a couple of chickens were brought to the table for supper. "I can prove," said he, "by logic, that these two chickens are three." "Well, let us hear," said the old man. "This," cried the scholar, "is one; and this is two; one and two make three." "Very good," replied the father, "your mother shall have the first chicken, I will have the second, and you, for your great learning, shall have the third."
Thecaptain of the Magnanime found it necessary one day to order a negro on board a flogging. Being tied up, the captain harangued him on his offence. Quaco, naked and shivering in the month of December, exclaimed, "Massa! if you preachee, preachee; if you floggee, floggee; but no preachee and floggee too."
Ina party of wits an argument took place as to the definition of a reasonable animal. Speech was principally contended for; but on this Dr. Johnson observed, that parrots and magpies speak; were they therefore rational? "Women," he added, "we know, are rational animals; but would they be less so if they spoke less?" Jamie Boswell contended that cookery was the criterion of reason; for that no animal but man did cook. "That," observed Burke, "explains to me a proverb, which I never before could understand—There is reason in the roasting of eggs."
Thelieutenant colonel of one of the Irish regiments in the French service being dispatched from Fort Keil by the Duke of Berwick to the King of France, with a complaint of some irregularities that had occurred in that regiment, his majesty observed passionately, that the Irish troops gave him more trouble than all his forces besides. "Sir," said the officer, "all your majesty's enemies make the same complaint."
Inthe action off Camperdown, Admiral de Winter asked one of his lieutenants for a quid of tobacco. In the act of presenting it, the lieutenant was carried off by a cannon-ball. "I must be obliged toyouthen," said the admiral, turning to another officer, "for you see our friend is gone away with his tobacco box."
A travelercoming into an inn in a very cold night, stood rather too close before the kitchen fire. A rogue in the chimney corner told him, "Sir, you'll burn your spurs." "My boots, you mean," said the gentleman. "No, Sir," replied the other, "they are burnt already."
A Frenchmarquis boasted of the inventive genius of his nation, especially in matters of dress and fashion; "For instance," said he, "the ruffle, that fine ornament of the hand, which has been followed by all other nations." "True," answered the Englishman, "but we generally improve on your inventions; for example,in adding the shirt to the ruffle."
Atthe time of the jubilee, 1809, a meeting was held of the felons in Newgate to pray his majesty for their pardon and liberation on the auspicious occasion. One of them observed, that it would be better, for them and their successors, to petition that all felonies be tried in theCourt of Chancery.
Frank Sims, the theatrical registrar, had a dog named Bob, and a sagacious dog he was; but he was a pusillanimous dog, in a word, an arrant coward, and above all things he dreaded the fire of a gun. His master having taken him once to the enclosed part of Hyde Park next to Kensington Gardens, when the guards were exercising, their first fire so alarmed Bob that he scampered off, and never after could be prevailed on to enter that ground. One day he followed his master cordially till he arrived at its entrance, where a board is placed, with this inscription: "Do shoot all dogswhoshall be found within this inclosure;" when immediately he turned tail, and went off as fast as his legs could carry him. A French gentleman, surprised at the animal's rapid retreat, politely asked Mr. Sims what could be the cause. "Don't you see," said Sims, "what is written on the board?" to the utter astonishment of the Frenchman, who had never before seen a dog that could read.
Sir Richard Steele, being asked why his countrymen were so addicted to making bulls, said, he believed there must be something in the air of Ireland, adding, "I dare say,if an Englishman were born therehe would do the same."
A notedmiser boasted that he had lost five shillings without uttering a single complaint. "I am not at all surprised at that," said a wit, "extreme sorrow is mute."
A widow, desirous of marrying her servant John, consulted the curate on the subject.
"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage."
"Marry then."
"But people will say that my intended is too young for me."
"Don't marry."
"He would assist me in managing the business."
"Marry then."
"But I am afraid he would soon despise me."
"Don't marry."
"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector."
"Marry then."
"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches."
"Then don't marry."
Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted the bells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John." She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She again applied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well what the bells said; listen again." She did so, when they distinctly repeated, "Don't marry John."
A gentlemaninspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl who showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," answered she, "I am to be let—alone."
Charles II.asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But will your majesty," continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor," replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face."
Ina company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whether self-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined with instruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gave himself as an example. "I have," said he, "made a fiddle, which turns out as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, allout of my own head; aye, and I have gotwood enough left to make another."
A gentlemantraveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man walking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coat in his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman, "but if we should be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?" "Sir," answered the other, with apparentnaïvetè, "I shall be in it."
A younggentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as he came from his lady mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the Green Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn, which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having called his grateful friends, theducky, ducky, duckies, he found unfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I am sorry I have not brought your allowance,but here is sixpence for you to buy some," and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught and gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the other gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the party putting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at the table, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was taken care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering the sixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whom he loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For," said he, "gentlemen, I assure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning,I gave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park."'
A certainclergyman having been examined as a witness in the King's Bench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be not mistaken, you are known as thebruising parson." "I am," said the divine, "and if you doubt it I will give it youunder my hand."
A manwho was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said: "My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No," replied he. "That's just like you," said she, "for you never wanted the children to have any enjoyment."
Inthe Irish Bank-bill, passed in June 1808, there is a clause, providing, that the profits shall beequallydivided; and theresidue go to the Governor.
Ina bill for pulling down the old Newgate in Dublin, and rebuilding it on the same spot, it was enacted, that the prisoners should remain in theold jailtill the new one was completed.
Thedeeds themselves, thoughmute,spoke loudthe doer.
I willstrive with things impossible,Yea,get the better of them.
Turnfrom the glittering bribe your scornful eye,Nor sell for goldwhat gold can never buy.
Everymonumental inscription should be in Latin; for that being adeadlanguage, it will alwayslive.
Noryet perceived the vital spirit fled,But still fought on,nor knew that he was dead.
Shakspearehas not onlyshownhuman nature as it is, but as it would be foundin situations to which it cannot be exposed.
Theseobservations were madeby favor of a contrary wind.
A horridsilencefirstinvades the ear.
Whenfirst young Maro, in his noble mind,A workt'outlast immortal Rome designed.
Anitinerant clergyman preaching on this subject, said that little children,who could neither speak nor walk, were to be seenrunning about the street, cursing and swearing.
A monkhaving intruded into the chamber of a nobleman, who was at the point of death, and had lost his speech, continued crying out, "My lord, will you make the grant of such and such a thing to our monastery? It will be for the good of your soul." The peer, at each question, nodded his head. The monk, on this, turned round to the son and heir, who was in the room: "You see, sir, my lord, your father, gives his assent to my request." To this, the son made no reply; but turning to his father, asked him, "Is it your will, sir, that I kick this monk down stairs?" The nod of assent was given, and the permission put in force with hearty good will.
A dealerin the marvellous was a constant frequenter of a house in Lambeth-walk, where he never failed to entertain the company with his miraculous tales. A bet was laid, that he would be surpassed by a certain actor, who, telling the following story, the palm was not only given to him by the company, but the story teller, ashamed, deserted the house:
"Gentlemen," said the actor, "when I was a lad, at sea, as we lay in the Bay of Messina, in a moonlight night, and perfectly calm, I heard a little splashing, and looking over the ship's bow, I saw, as I thought, a man's head, and to my utter surprise, there arose out of the water a man, extremely well-dressed, with his hair highly powdered, white silk stockings, and diamond buckles, his garment being embroidered with the most brilliant scales. He walked up the cable with the ease and elegance of a Richer. Stepping on deck, he addressed me in English, thus: 'Pray, young man, is the captain on board?' I, with my hair standing on end, answered, 'Yes, sir.' At this moment, the captain, overhearing our conversation, came on deck, and received the visitor very courteously, and without any apparent surprise. Asking his commands, the stranger said, 'I am one of the submarine inhabitants of this neighborhood. I had, this evening, taken my family to a ball, but on returning to my house, I found the fluke of your anchor jammed so close up to my street door, that we could not get in. I am come therefore, to entreat you, sir, to weigh anchor, so that we may get in, as my wife and daughters are waiting in their carriage, in the street.' The captain readily granted the request of his aquatic visitor, who took his leave with much urbanity, and the captain returned to bed."
Oneevening, at the Haymarket theatre, the farce of theLying Valetwas to be performed,Sharp, by Mr. Shuter; but that comedian being absent, an apology was made, and it was announced that the part would be undertaken by Mr. Weston, whose transcendent comic powers were not then sufficiently appreciated. Coming on with Mrs. Gardner, in the part ofKitty Pry, there was a tumultuous call of "Shuter! Shuter!" but Tom put them all in good temper, by asking, with irresistibly quaint humor, "Why should Ishoot her? She plays her part very well."
TheAbbé Tegnier, secretary to the French academy, one day made a collection of a pistole a head from the members, for some general expense. Not observing that the President Rose, who was very penurious, had put his money in the hat, he presented it to him a second time. M. Rose assured him that he had put in his pistole. "I believe it," said the Abbé, "though I did not see it." "And I," said Fontenelle, "saw it, and could not believe it."
Ata party of noblemen of wit and genius, it was proposed to try their skill in composition, each writing a sentence on whatsoever subject he thought proper, and the decision was left to Dryden, who formed one of the company. The poet having read them all, said, "There are here abundance of fine things, and such as do honor to the noble writers, but I am under the indispensable necessity of giving the palm to my lord Dorset; and when I have read it, I am convinced your lordships will all be satisfied with my judgment—these are the inimitable words:
"'I promise to pay to John Dryden, on order, the sum of five hundred pounds.
DORSET.'"
A butcher'sboy, running against a gentleman with his tray, made him exclaim, "Thedeucetake thetray!" "Sir," said the lad, "thedeuce can't take the tray."
Thelate Sir Thomas Robinson was a tall, uncouth figure, and his appearance was still more grotesque, from his hunting-dress: a postilion's cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. Being at Paris, and going in this habit to visit his sister, who was married, and settled there, he arrived when there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M. Robinson, and he entered, to the great amazement of the guests. Among others, an Abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable longer to restrain his curiosity, he burst out with, "Excuse me, Sir, are you theRobinson Crusoeso famous in history?"
TwoIrish soldiers being stationed in a borough in the west of England, got into a conversation respecting their quarters. "How," said the one, "are you quartered?" "Pretty well." "What part of the house do you sleep in?" "Upstairs." "In the garret, perhaps?" "The garret! no, Dennis O'Brien would never sleep in the garret." "Where then?" "Why, I know not what you call it; but if the house were turned topsy turvy, I should be in the cellar."
A distinguishedwag about town says, the head coverings the ladies wear now-a-days, are barefaced false hoods. The perpetrator of this is still at large.
A FrenchField Marshal who had attained that rank by court favour, not by valour, received from a lady the present of a drum, with this inscription—"made to be beaten."
The samehero, going one evening to the Opera, forcibly took possession of the box of a respectable Abbé, who for this outrage brought a suit in a court of honour, established for such cases under the old government. The Abbé thus addressed the court: "I come not here to complain of Admiral Suffrein, who took so many ships in the East Indies. I come not to complain of Count de Grasse, who fought so nobly in the West; I come not to complain of the Duke de Crebillon, who took Minorca; but I come to complain of the Marshal B——, whotook my boxat the Opera, andnever took any thing else." The court paid him the high compliment of refusing his suit, declaring that he had himself inflicted sufficient punishment.
A Frenchofficer, just arrived, and introduced to the Court at Vienna, the Empress told him she heard he had in his travels visited a lady renowned for her beauty; and asked if it was true that she was the most handsome princess of her time. The courtier answered, "I thought so yesterday."
Ata circuit dinner, a counsellor observed to another, "I shall certainly hang your client." His friend answered, "I give you joy of your new office."
A Frenchman, taken into slavery by an Algerine, was asked what he could do. His answer was, that he had been used to asedentaryemployment. "Well, then," said the pirate, "you shall have a pair of feather breeches, to sit and hatch chickens."
ThePrincess of Prussia, having ordered some silks from Lyons, they were stopped for duties by an excise officer, whom she ordered to attend her with the silks, and receive his demand. On his entrance into her apartment, the princess flew at the officer, and seizing the merchandise, gave him two or three hearty cuffs on the face. The mortified exciseman complained to the king in a memorial, to which his majesty returned the following answer:
"The loss of the duties belonging to my account, the silks are to remain in the possession of the princess, and the cuffs with the receiver. As to the alleged dishonor, I cancel the same, at the request of the complainant; but it is, of itself, null; for the white hand of a fair lady cannot possibly dishonor the face of an exciseman.
Frederick."
Berlin, Nov. 30th, 1778.
A lady'sfavorite dog having bitten a piece out of a male visitor's leg, she exclaimed, "Poor dear little creature!I hope it will not make him sick."
Twogentlemen, wishing to go into a tavern on one of the national fast-days, found the door shut; and on their knocking, the waiter told them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during service on the fast-day. "Your master," said one of them, "might be contentedto fast himself, without making hisdoors fast too."
A noblelord asked a clergyman at the foot of his table, why, if there was a goose at dinner, it was always placed next the parson. "Really," said he, "I can give no reason for it; but your question is so odd, that I shall never after see agoosewithout thinking of your lordship."
A captainin a volunteer corps, drilling his company, had occasion to desire one of the gentlemen to step farther out in marching. The order not being attended to, was repeated in a peremptory tone, when the private exclaimed, "I cannot, captain,you have made my breeches too tight."
Twocontractors, who had made large fortunes, had a quarrel. One of them, in the midst of the altercation, asked the other contemptuously, "Do you remember, Sir, when you were my footman?" The other answered, "I do; and had you been my footman, you would have been a footman still."
A sailorbeing about to set out for India, a citizen asked him:
"Where did your father die?"
"In shipwreck."
"And where did your grandfather die?"
"As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, all on board perished."
"And your great-grandfather?"
"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock."
"Then," said the citizen, "if I were you,I would never go to sea."
"And pray, Mr. Philosopher," observed the seaman, "where did your father die?"
"In his bed."
"And your grandfather?"
"In his bed."
"And your great-grandfather?"
"He and all my ancestors died quietly in their beds."
"Then, if I were you,I would never go to bed."
WhentheSchool for Scandalwas first performed, Mr. Cumberland sat in the front of the stage box with the most complete apathy; its wit and humor never affected his risible muscles. This being reported to Mr. Sheridan, he observed, "That was very ungrateful, for I am sure I laughed heartily at his tragedy ofThe Battle of Hastings."
A gentlemanin a coffee-house called, "Waiter! bring me a glass of brandy; I am very hot." Another, "Waiter! a glass of brandy; I am devilish cold." Mr. Quin, "Waiter! give me a glass of brandy; because I like it."
A ladyasked a silly but conceited Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were in general of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Madam," said he, "the reason is obvious; at every outlet there are persons stationed to examine those who pass, that for the honor of the country no one be permitted to leave it who is not a person of understanding." "Then," said she, "I presume your lordship was smuggled."
A gentlemandesired his boot-maker, as he took measure, to observe particularly that one of his legs was bigger than the other, and of course to make one of his boots bigger than the other. When they were brought home, trying the larger boot on the small leg, it went on easily, but when he attempted the other, his foot stuck fast. "You are a pretty tradesman," said he, "I ordered you to make one of the bootslarger than the other; and, instead of that, you have made one of themsmaller than the other."
"Howcan you call these blackberries, when they are red?" "Don't you know thatblackberries are alwaysredwhen they aregreen?"
WhenGeneral and Mrs. V. were in Dublin, they were perpetually teased by an old woman whom they had relieved, but whose importunity had no bounds; every time she could find an opportunity she had a fresh tale to extract money from their pockets. One day as they were stepping into their carriage, Molly accosted them: "Ah! good luck to your honor's honor, and your ladyship's honor,—to be sure I was not dreaming of you last night; I dreamt that your honor's honor gave me a pound of tobacco, and her ladyship gave me a pound of taa." "Aye, my good woman," says the general, "but you know dreams always go by contraries." "Do they so?" replied she, "then it must be that your honor will give me the taa, and her ladyship the tobacco."
A tailordying said to his wife, who was plunged in tears, "My dear, don't let my death afflict you too much. I would recommend you to marry Thomas, our foreman; he is a good lad and a clever workman, and would assist you to carry on the trade." "My love," answered the disconsolate dame, "make yourself easy on that score, for Tom and I have settled the matter already."
Sut Lovingoodsends the following to an exchange. A full-blooded Cockney who is now taking notes on the United States, chanced to be on one of our southern trains, when a "run off" took place, and a general mixing up of things was the consequence. Cockney's first act, after straightening out his collapsed hat, was to raise a terrible 'ubbub about 'is baggage, and among other things, wanted to know, "hif railroads hin Hamerika wasn't responsible for baggage stolen, smashed, or missing?"
"Well, yes," said the Tennessean addressed, "but it is a deuce of a job to get your pay."
"Why so?"
"They will perhaps admit your claim, but thenthey offer to fight you for it; that's a standing American rule. There is the man employed by this road tofight for baggage," pointing to a huge bewhiskered train-hand, who stood by with his sleeves rolled up, "I think, if my memory serves me, he has fought for sixty-nine lots,an' blamed if he haint won 'em all. They gave him the empty trunks for his pay, and he is making a hundred dollars a month in selling trunks, valises, carpet-bags, and satchels. Have you lost any baggage?"
"No, no, not hat hall. Hi just hasked to learn your custom hin case hididlose hany. Hi don'tthinkhi'll lose mine 'owever."
Here the train-hand who overheard the talk, stepped up, and inquired, "Have you lost anything?"
"Ho no! ho no!" replied Cockney, with unusual energy.
"Can't I sell you a trunk?"
"Thank you, Sir. No, I think I have a supply."
"Well, if you do either lose baggage or want to buy a trunkalready marked, deuced if I ain't the man to call on."
It is needless to say that instead of raising Cain generally, as Cockney had been doing, he betook him to zealously writing notes on American customs during the remainder of the delay. Probably he indited something fully equal to theLondon TimesGeorgia railroad story.
A scholarput his horse into a field belonging to Morton College, on which the Master sent him a message, that if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. "Say you so!" answered the scholar, "go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his ears." This being delivered to the Master, he in a passion sent for the scholar, who appearing before him, he said sternly, "How now, Sir, what mean you by that menace you sent me?" "Sir," said the youth, "I menaced you not; I only said,if you cut off my horse's tail, I would cut off his ears."
A servantbeing sent with half a dozen living partridges in a present, had the curiosity to open the lid of the basket containing them, when they all made their escape. He proceeded, however, with the letter: the gentleman to whom it was addressed having read it, said, "I findin this letterhalf a dozen of partridges." "Do you, indeed?" cried Pat, "I am glad you havefound them in the letter, for they allflew out of the basket."
TheEarl of St. Albans was, like many other staunch loyalists, little remembered by Charles II. He was, however, an attendant at court, and one of his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one such occasion, a stranger came with an important suit for an office of great value, just vacant. The king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate him, and ordered the petitioner to be admitted. The gentleman, addressing himself to the supposed monarch, enumerated his services to the royal family, and hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed too great a reward. "By no means," answered the earl, "and I am only sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it upon my faithful friend the Earl of St. Albans [pointing to the king], who has constantly followed the fortunes both of my father and myself, and has hitherto gone unrewarded." Charles granted for this joke what the utmost real services looked for in vain.
A physician,during his attendance on a man of letters, remarking that the patient was very punctual in observing his regimen and taking his prescriptions, exclaimed with exultation, "My dear sir, you reallydeserve to be ill!"
A Londonertold his friend that he was going to Margate for a change ofhair. "You had better," said the other, "go to thewig-maker's shop."
Mr. Balfour, a Scotch advocate of dry humour, but much pomposity, being in a large company, where the convivial Earl of Kelly presided, was requested to give a song, which he declined. Lord Kelly, with all the despotism of a chairman, insisted that if he would not sing, he must tell a story or drink a pint bumper of wine. Mr. Balfour, being an abstemious man, would not submit to the latter alternative, but consented to tell a story. "One day," said he, "a thief, prowling about, passed a church, the door of which was invitingly open. Thinking that he might even there find some prey, he entered, and was decamping with the pulpit-cloth, when he found his exit interrupted, the doors having been in the interim fastened. What was he to do to escape with his plunder? He mounted the steeple, and let himself down by the bell-rope; but scarcely had he reached the bottom when the consequent noise of the bell brought together people, who seized him. As he was led off to prison he addressed the bell,as I now address your lordship; said he, 'Had it not been for your long tongue and your empty head I had made my escape.'"
A disputearose as to the site of Goldsmith'sDeserted Village. An Irish clergyman insisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the county of Westmeath. One of the company observed that this was improbable, as Dr. Goldsmith had never been in that part of the country. "Why, gentlemen," exclaimed the parson, "was Milton in hell when he wrote hisParadise Lost?"
A correspondentsends the Buffalo Express the following good thing for the hot weather:
K——, the Quaker President of a Pennsylvania railroad, during the confusion and panic last fall, called upon the W—— Bank, with which the road had kept a large regular account, and asked for an extension of a part of its paper falling due in a few days. The Bank President declined rather abruptly, saying, in a tone common with that fraternity,
"Mr. K., your papermust be paid at maturity. Wecannot renew it."
"Very well," our Quaker replied, and left the Bank. But he did not let the matter drop here. On leaving the Bank, he walked quietly over to the depot and telegraphed all the agents and conductors on the road, to reject the bills on the W—— Bank. In a few hours the trains began to arrive, full of panic, and bringing the news of distrust of the W—— Bank all along the line of the road. Stock-holders and depositors flocked into the Bank, making the panic, inquiring,
"What is the matter?"
"Is the Bank broke?"
A little inquiry by the officers showed that the trouble originated in the rejection of the bills by the railroad. The President seized his hat, and rushed down to the Quaker's office, and came bustling in with the inquiry:
"Mr. K., have you directed the refusal of our currency by your agents?"
"Yes," was the quiet reply.
"Why is this? It will ruin us!"
"Well, friend L., I supposed thy Bank was about to fail, as thee could not renew a little paper for us this morning."
It is needless to say Mr. L. renewed all the Quaker's paper, and enlarged his line of discount, while the magic wires carried all along the road to every agent the sedative message,
"The W—— Bank is all right. Thee may take its currency."
Henry VIII.hunting in Windsor Forest, struck down about dinner to the abbey of Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the Royal Guards, he was invited to the abbot's table. A sirloin was set before him, on which he laid to as lustily as anybeef-eater. "Well fare thy heart," quoth the abbot, "and here in a cup of sack I remember the health of his grace your master. I would give a hundred pounds that I could feed on beef as heartily as you do. Alas! my poor queasy stomach will scarcely digest the wing of a chicken." The king heartily pledged him, thanked him for his good cheer, and departed undiscovered. Shortly after, the abbot was sent to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and fed on bread and water, ignorant of the cause, and terrified at his situation. At last, a sirloin of beef was set before him, on which his empty stomach made him feed voraciously. "My lord!" exclaimed the king entering from a private closet, "instantly deposit your hundred pounds, or no going hence. I have been your physician, and here, as I deserve it, I demand my fee."
A certaintavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighboring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous andselfish; "and why," said he, "would you not have mesell-fish?"
A gooddeacon making an official visit to a dying neighbor, who was a very churlish and universally unpopular man, put the usual question—"Are you willing to go, my friend?"
"Oh, yes," said the sick man, "I am."
"Well," said the simple minded deacon, "I am glad you are, forall the neighbors are willing!"
A nobleLord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. "What! Madam," said he, "would you have me to imitate a man, whoeats like a beast, and drinks like a fish!"
A "fatand greasy citizen," having made a ridiculous motion in the Common Council, observed afterwards at a selectdinner party, (or ratherparty dinner,) that he was afraid he should behauled over the coalsfor it. An alderman present observed, "Then all the fat would be in the fire."
A lad, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said,
"Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt."
"Salt, for what?"
"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to be ready."
"What country are you from, my lad?"
"I's Yorkshire, Sir."
"I thought so—Well, there take your egg."
"Thank you, Sir."
"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?"
"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a horse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale,"taking it off.
"Yes, I see you are Yorkshire."
Ona very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had been detained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it always rained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, itsnows sometimes."
A boyon the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. A senior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turn out a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very clever boy."
Dobbswas up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to be seen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from his store, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked to his wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase in his family.
"Why," said Mrs. D., "that makes nine!"
"Exactly," said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, that one half of its face is black."
"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D., "that is singular, indeed. How strange! What can be the cause of such disfigurement?"
"Can't say," replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to say the least of it."
"So I should think," returned his better half. "I will go down in the morning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the child at the same time."
Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subject was dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store, the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking the servant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singular child. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Before he had time to seat himself, she said:
"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you the money you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leave town again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-past two.
"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a note to-morrow. Just two, now," said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will go down at once, for fear of missing him."
"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will be in time."
"No," said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so I will go at once."
"By the by," said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story about one side of that child's face being white?"
"No, no," said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said one side was black. You did not ask me about the other side;that was black, too. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know."
Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, and then he looked disappointed.
"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D.
"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take up a note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it."
"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paid me the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail."
"But," asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and not say he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so send me off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety for nothing?"
"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble," returned his wife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at the store, at that time. I said I told himyouwould be there, at half-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew you would not fail.First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!"
Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs enjoyed a pleasant supper.
JosephII. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn in the Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, he readily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs, for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three shillings and sixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite coming up, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank of his guest. "Pshaw! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it." "Very likely," replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself for having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and sixpence."
A person, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend to lend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week, which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after, he made an application for a larger sum. "No," said the other, "you have deceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a second time."
A clergymanpreaching against lending money on usury, asserted it to be as great a sin asmurder. Some time after, he applied to a parishioner to lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring your opinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad asmurder?" "I do not mean," answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, butgratis." "That," replied the parishioner, "would, in my opinion, be as bad assuicide."
A sonof Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule on physicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect." "That you may do, doctor,dead men tell no tales."
A youngnobleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture, observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer. The company knowing his lordship's pursuits to be very different, stared a little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he had sowed a great deal ofwild oats.
Mrs. Partington, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds are perpetrated, said that it only required twosecondsto fight a duel.
A calm, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in a village "down east," received a long call the other day, from a prying old spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her own conception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main question which brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you was engaged to Dr. C——. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not, what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them," answered the young lady, fixing her calm blue eyes in unblushing steadiness upon the inquisitive features of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know, and you're sure it's none of your business."
A Dutchmanhaving suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond, thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don't see wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as butter. I wouldn't haf him tie for five dollars!"
A negro, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that the only gentleman in this country was the hog—"Everything work:manwork,womanwork,horsework,bullockwork,asswork,firework,waterwork,smokework,dogwork,catwork; but thehog, he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day—he be the only gentleman in England."
Thelate Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir," replied she; "pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "I can-not."
A verydiminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if he neglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed, "Father, did you ever learn anything?"
"John, what is the past of see?"
"Seen, Sir."
"No, John, it is saw."
"Yes, Sir, and if asea-fish swims by me it becomes asaw-fish, when it is past and can't beseen."
"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, to prevent a rush of brains to the head."
Eightcallowinfantsfilled the mossy nest,Herself the ninth.
Beneatha mountain's brow, the most remoteAndinaccessiblebyshepherds trod.
A sailorexamined on an assault committed on board of ship, was asked by the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here," said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle." "Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it."
Lord Mansfieldexamining a witness, asked,
"What do you know of the defendant?"
"O! my lord,I was up to him."
"Up to him! what do you mean by that?"
"Mean, my lord! why,I was down upon him."
"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?"
"Why I mean, my lord,I stagged him."
"I do not understand your language, friend."
"Lord! what a flat you must be!"