TRA. (to himself). Supreme Jove, with all his might and resources, is seeking for me and Philolaches, my master's son, to be undone. Our hopes are destroyed; nowhere is there any hold for courage; notevenSalvation {1}nowcould save us if she wished. Such an immense mountain of woe have I just now seen at the harbour: my master has arrived from abroad; Tranio is undone! (To theAUDIENCE.) Is there any person who'd like to make gain of a little money, who could this day endure to take my place in being tortured? Where are those fellows hardened to a flogging, the wearers-out of iron chains, or those, who, for the consideration of three didrachms, would get beneath besieging towers {2}, where some are in the way of having their bodies pierced with fifteen spears? I'll give a talent to that man who shall be the first to run to the crossfor me; but on condition that twice his feet, twice his arms {3} are fastened there. When that shall have been done, then ask the money down of me. But am I not a wretched fellow, not at full speed to be running home?
PHILO. Here come the provisions; see, here's Tranio; he's come back from the harbour.
TRA. (running). Philolaches!
PHILO. What's the matter? TRA. Both I and you—
PHILO. What about "Both I and you?"
TRA. Are undone!
PHILO. Why so? TRA. Your father's here.
PHILO. What is it I hear of you?
TRA. We are finished up. Your father's come, I say.
PHILO. (starting up.) Where is he, I do entreat you?
TRA. He's coming.
PHILO. Coming? Who says so? Who has seen him?
TRA. I saw him myself, I tell you.
PHILO. Woe unto me! what am I about?
TRA. Why the plague now do you ask me, what you are about? Taking your place at table,of course.
PHILO. Did you see him? TRA. I my own self, I tell you.
PHILO. For certain? TRA. For certain, I tell you.
PHILO. I'm undone, if you are telling the truth.
TRA. What good could it be to me if I told a lie?
PHILO. What shall I do now?
TRA. (pointing to the table and couches). Order all these things to be removed from here. (Pointing.) Who's that asleep there?
PHILO. Callidamates. TRA. Arouse him, Delphium.
DEL. (bawling out in his ear). Callidamates! Callidamates! awake! CALL. (raising himself a little). I am awake; give me something to drink.
DEL. Awake; the father of Philolaches has arrived from abroad. CALL. Ihopehis father's well.
PHILO. He is well indeed; but I am utterly undone.
CALL. You, utterly undone? How can that be?
PHILO. By heavens! do get up, I beg of you; my father has arrived.
CALL. Your father has come? Bid him go back again. What business had he to come back here so soon?
PHILO. What am I to do? My father will, just now, be coming and unfortunately finding me amid drunken carousals,andthe house full of revellers and women. It's a shocking bad job, to be digging a well at the last moment, just when thirst has gained possession of your throat; just as I, on the arrival of my father, wretch that I am, am now enquiring what I am to do.
TRA. (pointing atCALLIDAMATES). Why look, he has laid down his head and gone to sleep. Do arouse him.
PHILO. (shaking him). Will you awake now? My father, I tell you, will be here this instant.
CALL. How say you? Your father? Give me my shoes, that I may take up arms. On my word, I'll kill your father this instant.
PHILO. (seizing hold of him). You're spoiling thewholebusiness; do hold your tongue. (ToDELPHIUM.) Prithee, do carry him off in your arms into the house.
CALL. (ToDELPHIUM,who is lifting him up). Upon my faith, I'll be making an utensil of you just now, if you don't find me one. (He is led off into the house.)
PHILO. I'm undone!
TRA. Be of good courage; I'll cleverly find a remedy for this alarm. PHILO. I'm utterly ruined!
TRA. Do hold your tongue; I'll think of something by means of which to alleviate this for you. Are you satisfied, if on his arrival I shall so manage your father, not only that he shall not enter, but even that he shall run away to a distance from the house? Do you only be off from here in-doors, and remove these things from here with all haste.
PHILO. Where am I to be? TRA. Where you especially desire: with her (pointing toPHILEMATIUM); with this girl,too, you'll be. (Pointing toDELPHIUM.)
DEL. How then? Are we to go away from here?
TRA. Not far from here, Delphium. For carouse away in the house not a bit the less on account of this.
PHILO. Ah me! I'm in a sweat with fear as to how these fine words are to end! TRA. Can you not be tranquil in your mind, and do as I bid you?
PHILO. I can be. TRA. In the first place of all, Philematium, do you go in-doors; and you, Delphium.
DEL. We'll both be obedient to you. (They go into the house.)
TRA. May Jupiter grant it so! Now then, do you give attention as to what I'd have attended to. In the first place, then, before anything, cause the house to be shut up at once. Take care and don't let any one whisper a word in-doors.
PHILO. Care shall be taken. TRA. Just as though no living being were dwelling within the house.
PHILO. Very well. TRA. And let no one answer, when the old gentleman knocks at the door.
PHILO. Anything else?
TRA. Order the master-key {4} of the house to be brought me at once from within; this house I'll lock here on the outside.
PHILO. To your charge I commit myself, Tranio, and my hopes. (He goes into the house, and the things are removed from the stage.)
TRA. (to himself). It matters not a feather whether a patron or a dependant is the nearest at hand for that man who has got no courage in his breast. For to every man, whether very good or very bad, even at a moment's notice, it is easy to act with craft; but this must be looked to, this is the duty of a prudent man, that what has been planned and done in craftiness, may all come about smoothly and without mishap; so that he may not have to put up with anything by reason of which he might be loth to live; just as I shall manage, that, from the confusion which we shall here create, all shall really go on smoothly and tranquilly, and not produce us any inconvenience in the results. (Enter aBOY,from the house.) But, why have you come out? I'm undone! (TheBOYshows him the key.) O very well, you've obeyed my orders most opportunely.
BOY. He bade me most earnestly to entreat you some way or other to scare away his father, that he may not enter the house.
TRA. Even more, tell him this, that I'll cause that he shan't venture even to look at the house,andto take to flight, covering up his head {5} with the greatest alarm. Give me the key (taking it), and be off in-doors, and shut to the door, and I'll lock it on this side. (TheBOYgoes into the house, andTRANIOlocks the door.) Bid him now come forthwith. For the old gentleman here while still alive this day will I institute games {6} in his presence, such as I fancy there will never be for him when he's dead. (Moving away.) I'll go away from the door to this spot; hence, I'll look out afar in which direction to lay the burden on the old fellow on his arrival. (Exit to a little distance.)
{Footnote 1:Not even Salvation)—Ver. 342. See the Captivi, 1. 535, and the Note to the passage.}
{Footnote 2:Beneath besieging towers)—Ver 348. "Falae" were wooden towers, placed on the top of walls or fortified places; of course the attack of these would imply extreme danger to those who attempted it.}
{Footnote 3:Twice his feet, twice his arms)—Ver. 351. Some suppose that by "bis pedes, bis brachia," he means that two nails were to be driven into each leg and foot. It seems more probable that he means two for the feet and two for the hands.}
{Footnote 4:Order the master-key)—Ver. 395. "Clavem—Laconicam;" literally, "the Laconian key." This was a kind of key originally invented by the Spartans, by means of which a door could be locked from the outside, but not from within. According to some, this key was called "Laconica," from its rough appearance, in allusion to the inelegant exterior of the Spartans. In his Thesmophoriazusae, Aristophanes informs us that these keys had three wards.}
{Footnote 5:Covering up his head)—Ver. 414. With the ancients, when either ashamed or alarmed at anything, it was the custom to throw a part of the dress over the head, as a hood.}
{Footnote 6:Will I institute games)—Ver. 417. He plays on the double meaning of "ludes," which means either "tricks," or "funeral games" in honor of the dead, according to the context.}
THEU. (to himself). Neptune, I do return extreme thanks to thee that thou hast just dismissed me from thee,thoughscarce alive. But if, from this time forward, thou shalt only know that I have stirred a foot upon the main, there is no reason why, that instant, thou shouldst not do with me that which thou hast now wished to do. Away with you, away with you from me henceforth for ever after to-day; what I was to entrust to thee, all of it have Inowentrusted.
EnterTRANIO,overhearing him.
TRA. (apart). By my troth, Neptune, you've been much to blame, to have lost this opportunity so fair.
THEU. After three years, I've arrived home from Aegypt. I shall come a welcomeguestto my household, I suppose.
TRA. (apart). Upon my faith, he might have come a much more welcome one, who had brought the tidings you were dead.
THEU. (looking at the door). But what means this? Is the door shut in the daytime? I'll knock. (Knocks at the door.) Hallo, there! is any one going to open this door for me?
TRA. (coming forward, and speaking aloud). What person is it that has comesonear to our house?
THEU. Surely this is my servant Tranio.
TRA. O Theuropides, my master, welcome; I'm glad that you've arrived in safety. Have you been well all along?
THEU. All along, as you see.
TRA. That's very good.
THEU. What about yourselves? Are youallmad?
TRA. Why so?
THEU. For this reason; because you are walking about outside; not a born person is keeping watch in the house, either to open or to give an answer. With kicking with my feet I've almost broken in the panels?
TRA. How now? Have you been touching this house?
THEU. Why shouldn't I touch it? Why, with kicking it, I tell you, I've almost broken down the door.
TRA. What, you touched it?
THEU. I touched it, I tell you, and knocked at it.
TRA. Out upon you! THEU. Why so?
TRA. By heavens! 'twas ill done.
THEU. What is the matter? TRA. It cannot be expressed, how shocking and dreadful a mischief you've been guilty of.
THEU. How so?
TRA. Take to flight, I beseech you, and get away from the house. Fly in this direction, fly closer to me. (He runs towardsTRANIO.) What, did you touch the door?
THEU. How could I knock, if I didn't touch it?
TRA. By all that's holy, you've been the death—
THEU. Of what person? TRA. Of all your family.
THEU. May the Gods and Goddesses confound you with that omen.
TRA. I'm afraid that you can't make satisfaction for yourself and them.
THEU. For what reason, or what new affair is this that youthussuddenly bring menews of?
TRA. And (whispering) hark you, prithee, do bid those people to move away from here. (Pointing to theATTENDANTSofTHEUROPIDES.)
THEU. (to theATTENDANTS). More away from here.
TRA. Don't you touch the house. Touch you the ground {1}
as well. (Exeunt theATTENDANTS.
THEU. I' faith, prithee, do speak out now.
TRA. Because it is now seven months that not a person has set foot within this house,andsince we once for all left it.
THEU. Tell me, why so?
TRA. Just look around, whether there's any person to overhear our discourse.
THEU. (looking around). All's quite safe.
TRA. Look around once more.
THEU. (looking around). There's nobody; now then, speak out. TRA. (in a loud whisper). The house has been guilty of a capital offence {2}.
THEU. I don't understandyou. TRA. A crime, tell you, has been committedthere, a long while ago, one of olden time and ancient date.
THEU. Of ancient date?
TRA. 'Tis but recently, in fact, that we've discovered this deed.
THEU. What is this crime, or who committed it? Tell me.
TRA. A host slew his guest, seized with his hand: he, I fancy, who sold you the house.
THEU. Slewhim?
TRA. And robbed this guest of his gold, and buried this guest there in the house, on the spot.
THEU. For what reason do you suspect that this took place?
TRA. I'll tellyou; listen.One day, when your son had dined away from home, after he returned home from dining; we all went to bed,andfell asleep. By accident, I had forgotten to put out my lamp; and he, all of a sudden, called out aloud—
THEU. What person? My son?
TRA. Hist! hold your peace: just listen. He said that a dead man came to him in his sleep—
THEU. In his dreams, then, you mean?
TRA. Just so. But only listen. He said that he had met with his death by these means—
THEU.What, in his sleep?
TRA. It would have been surprising if he had told him awake, who had been murdered sixty years ago. On some occasions you are absurdly simple. But look what he said: "I am the guest of Diapontius, from beyond the seas; here do I dwell; this has been assigned me as my abode; for Oreus would not receive me in Acheron, because prematurely I lost my life. Through confiding was I deceived: my entertainer slew me here, and that villain secretly laid me in the ground without funereal rites, in this house, on the spot, for the sake of gold. Now do you depart from here; this house is accursed,thisdwelling is defiled." The wonders that here take place, hardly in a year could I recount them. Hush, hush! (He starts.)
THEU. Troth now, what has happened, prithee?
TRA. The door made a noise. Was it he that was knocking?
THEU. (turning pale). I have notonedrop of blood! Dead men are come to fetch me to Acheron, while alive!
TRA. (aside). I'm undone! those people there will mar my plot. (A noise is heard from within.) How much I dread, lest he should catch me in the fact.
THEU. What are you talking about to yourself? (Goes near the door.)
TRA. Do get away from the door. By heavens, fly, I do beseech you.
THEU. Fly where? Fly yourself, as well.
TRA. I am not afraid: I am at peace with the dead.
A VOICE (from within). Hallo! Tranio {3}.
TRA. (in a low voice, near the door). You won't be calling me, if you are wise. (Aloud, as if speaking to theAPPARITION.) 'Tis not I that's guilty; I did not knock at the door.
THEU. Pray, what is it that's wrong? What matter is agitating you, Tranio? To whom are you saying these things?
TRA. Prithee, was it you that called me? So may the Gods bless me, I fancied it was this dead man expostulating because you had knocked at the door. But are you still standing there, and not doing what I advise you?
THEU. What am I to do? TRA. Take care not to look back. Fly; cover up your head!
THEU. Why don't you fly?
TRA. I am at peace with the dead.
THEU. I recollect. Why then were you so dreadfully alarmed just now?
TREA. Have no care for me, I tell you; I'll see to myself. You, as you have begunto do, fly as quick as ever you can; Hercules, too {4}, you will invoke.
THEU. Hercules, I do invoke thee! (Runs off.)
TRA. (to himself.) And I, as well, old fellow, that this day he'll send some heavy mishap upon you. O ye immortal Gods, I do implore your aid. Plague on it! what a mess I have got into to-day. (Exit.
{Footnote 1:Touch you the ground)—Ver. 457. The ancients were in the habit of reverentially touching the earth, when engaged in any affairs that related to the dead or the infernal Deities.}
{Footnote 2:Guilty of a capital offence)—Ver. 464. "Capitalis aedes facta est;" meaning that a murder had been committed in it.}
{Footnote 3:Hallo! Tranio)—Ver. 502. Weise's Edition gives these words to Theuropides. Rost, no doubt rightly, suggests that these words are spoken by Philolaches from inside (perhaps in a low voice, to ask Tranio how matters are going on). On this, Tranio turns it to good account, by pretending that the Ghost is calling out to him for his supposed impiety in daring to knock at the door.}
{Footnote 4:Hercules, too)—Ver. 514. Hercules having slain so many monsters, was naturally regarded as a Deity likely to give aid in extreme danger.}
BAN. (to himself). I never knew any year worse for money upon interest, than this year has turned out to me. From morning even until night, I spend my time in the Forum; I cannot lend out a coin of silver to any one.
EnterTRANIO.
TRA. (apart). Now, faith, I am clearly undone in an everlasting way! The Banker's here who found the money with which his mistress was bought. The matter's all out, unless I meet him a bit beforehand, so that the old man may not at present come to know of this. I'll go meet him. But (seeingTHEUROPIDES) I wonder why he has so soon betaken himself homewardagain. I'm afraid that he has heard something about this affair. I'll meet him, and accost him. But how dreadfully frightened I am! Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man with aguiltyconscience, such as possesses myself. But however this matter turns out, I'll proceed to perplex it still further: so does this affair require.
EnterTHEUROPIDES.
TRA. (accosting him). Whence come you?
THEU. I met that person from whom I bought this house.
TRA. Did you tell him anything about that which I was telling you?
THEU. I' faith, I certainly told him everything.
TRA. (aside). Woe to unfortunate me! I'm afraid that my schemes are everlastingly undone!
THEU. What is it you are saying to yourself?
TRA. Why nothing. But tell me, prithee, did youreallytell him?
THEU. I told him everything in its order, I tell you.
TRA. Does he, then, confess about the guest?
THEU. Why no; he utterly denies it.
TRA. Does he deny it?
THEU. Do you ask me again? I should tell you if he had confessed it. What now are you of opinion ought to be done?
TRA. What is my opinion? By my troth, I beg of you, appoint an arbitrator together with him; but take you care that you appoint one who will believe me; you'll overcome him as easily as a fox eats a pear {1}
BAN. (to himself). But see, here's Tranio, the servant of Philolaches,peoplewho pay me neither interest nor principal on my money. (Goes towardsTRANIO,who steps forward to meet him.)
THEU. (toTRANIO). Whither are you betaking yourself?
TRA. I'm going no whither. (Aside.) For sure, I am a wretch, a rascal, one born with all the Gods my foes! He'll now be accosting me in the old man's presence. Assuredly, I am a wretched man; in such a fashion both this way and that do they find business for me. But I'll make haste and accost him. (Moves towards theBANKER.)
BAN. (apart). He's coming towards me. I'm all right; I've some hopes of my money; he's smiling.
TRA. (to himself). The fellow's deceived. (To theBANKER.) I heartily bid you hail, myfriendSaturides {2}.
BAN. And hail to you. What about the money?
TRA. Be off with you, will you, you brute. Directly you come, you commence the attack {3} against me.
BAN. (apart). This fellow's empty-handed.
TRA. (overhearing him). This fellow's surely a conjurer.
BAN. But why don't you put an end to this trifling?
TRA. Tell me, then, what it is you want.
BAN. Where is Philolaches?
TRA. You never could have met me more opportunely than you have met me. BAN. How's that?
TRA. (taking him aside). Step this way.
BAN. (aloud). Why isn't the money repaid me?
TRA. I know that you have a good voice; don't bawl out so loud. BAN. (aloud). I' faith, I certainly shall bawl out.
TRA. O, do humour menow.
BAN. What do you want me to humour you in?
TRA. Prithee, be off hence home.
BAN. Be off? TRA. Return here about mid-day.
BAN. Will the interest be paid then?
TRA. It will be paid. Be off.
BAN. Why should I run to and fro here, or use or waste my pains? What if I remain here until mid-day in preference?
TRA. Why no; be off home. On my word, I'm telling the truth. Only do be off.
BAN. (aloud). Then do you pay me my interest. Why do you triflewith methis way?
TRA. Bravo! faith. Really now, do be off; do attend to me.
BAN. (aloud). I' faith, I'll call him now by name.
TRA. Bravo! stoutly done! Really you arequiterich now when you bawl out.
BAN. (aloud). I'm asking for my own. In this way you've been disappointing me for these many days past. If I'm troublesome, give me back the money; I'll go awaythen: That expression {4} puts an end to all replies.
TRA. (pretending to offer it him).Then, take the principal {5}.
BAN. (aloud). Why no, the interest; I want that first.
TRA. What? Have you, you fellow most foul of all fellows, come here to burst yourself? Do what lies in your power. He's not going to pay you; he doesn't owe it.
BAN. Not owe it?
TRA. Not a tittle, indeed, can you get from here. Would you prefer for him to go abroad,andleave the city in exile, driven hence for your sake? Why then, in preference let him pay the {6} principal.
BAN. But I don't ask for it.
THEU. (calling out toTRANIO,from a distance). Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.
TRA. (toTHEUROPIDES). I'll be there just now. (To theBANKER.) Don't you be troublesome: no one's going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest. (Moves towardsTHEUROPIDES.)
BAN. (bawling aloud). Give me my interest! pay me my interest! you pay my interest! Are you going to give me my interest this instant? Give me my interest!
TRA. Interest here, interest there! The old rogue knows how to talk about nothing but interest. I do not think that ever I saw any beast more vile than you.
BAN. Upon my faith, you don't alarm me now with those expressions. This is of a hot nature; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly {7}.
TRA. Don't you be troublesome; no one's going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest.
THEU. (toTRANIO). Pray, what interest is this that he is asking for?
TRA. (in a low voice, to theBANKER). Look now; his father has arrived from abroad, not long since; he'll pay you both, interest and principal; don't you then attempt any further to make us your enemies. See whether he puts you off.
BAN. Nay but, I'll take it, if anything's offered.
THEU. (toTRANIO,coming towards him). What do you say,then—? TRA. What is it you mean?
THEU. Who is this? What is he asking for? Why is he thus rudely speaking of my son Philolaches in this way, and giving you abuse to your face? What's owing him?
TRA. (toTHEUROPIDES). I beg of you, do order the money to be thrown in the face of this dirty brute.
THEU. I, order it?
TRA. Order the fellow's face to be pelted with money.
BAN. (coming nearer). I could very well put up with a pelting with money.
THEU. (toTRANIO). What money's this?
TRA. Philolaches owes this person a little.
THEU. How much?
TRA. About forty minae.
BAN. (toTHEUROPIDES). Really, don't think much of that; it's a trifle, in fact.
TRA. Don't you hear him? Troth now, prithee, doesn't he seem just suited to be a Banker—a generation that's most roguish?
THEU. I don't care, just now, for that, who he isorwhence he is; this I want to be told me, this I very much wish to know—I heard from him that there was interest owing on the money as well.
TRA. Forty-four minae are due to him. Say that you'll pay it, that he may be off.
THEU. I, say that I'll pay it?
TRA. Do say so.
THEU. What, I?
TRA. You yourself. Do only say so. Do be guided by me. Do promise. Come now, I say; I beg of you.
THEU. Answer me; what has been done with this money?
TRA. It's safe.
THEU. Pay it yourselves then, if it's safe.
TRA. Your son has bought a house.
THEU. A house?
TRA. A house.
THEU. Bravo! Philolaches is taking after his father! The fellow now turns to merchandize. A house, say you?
TRA. A house, I tell you. But do you know of what sort?
THEU. How can I know?
TRA. Out with you!
THEU. What's the matter?
TRA. Don't ask methat.
THEU. But why so?
TRA. Bright as a mirror, pure brilliancyitself.
THEU. Excellently done, upon my faith! Well, how much did he agree to give for it?
TRA. As many great talents as you and Iput togethermake; but these forty minae he paid by way of earnest. (Pointing to theBANKER.) From him he received what we paid the other man. Do you quite understand? {8} For after this house was in such a state as I mentioned to you, he at once purchased another house for himself.
THEU. Excellently done, upon my faith!
BAN. (touchingTRANIO). Harkyou. Mid-day is now close at hand.
TRA. Prithee, do dismiss this puking fellow, that he mayn't worry us to death. Forty-four minae are due to him, both principal and interest.
BAN. 'Tis just that much; I ask for nothing more.
TRA. Upon my faith, I really could have wished that you had asked more,if onlyby a single coin.
THEU. (to theBANKER). Young man, transact the business with me.
BAN. I'm to ask it of you, you mean?
THEU. Come for it to-morrow.
BAN. I'll be off,then; I'm quite satisfied if I get it tomorrow.
(Exit
TRA. (aside). A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him! so utterly has he disarranged my plans. On my word, no class of men is there more disgusting, or lessacquaintedwith fair dealing than the bankingrace.
THEU. In what neighbourhood did my son buy this house?
TRA. (aside). Just see that, now! I'm undone!
THEU. Are you going to tell me that which I ask you?
TRA. I'll tell you; but I'm thinking what was the name of the owner. (Pretends to think.)
THEU. Well, call it to mind, then.
TRA. (aside). What am I to do now, exceptputthe lie upon this neighbour of ours next door? I'll say that his son has bought that house. I' faith, I've heard say that a lie piping-hot is the bestlie; this is piping-hot; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly. Whatever the Gods dictate, that am I determined to say.
THEU. Well now? Have you recollected it by this?
TRA. (aside). May the Gods confound that fellow!—no, thisotherfellow, rather. (ToTHEUROPIDES.) Your son has bought the house of this next-door neighbourof yours.
THEU. In real truth?
TRA. If, indeed, you are going to pay down the money, then in realtruth; if you are not going to pay it, in real truth he has not bought it.
THEU. He hasn't bought it in a very good situation.
TRA. Why yes, in a very good one.
THEU. I' faith, I should like to look over this house; just knock at the door, and call some one to you from within, Tranio.
TRA. (aside). Why just look now, again I don't know what I'm to say. Once more, now, are the surges bearing me upon the self-same rock. What now? I' faith, I can't discover what I am now to do; I'm caught in the fact.
THEU. Just call some one out of doors; ask him to show us round.
TRA. (going to the door ofSIMO'shouse). Hallo there, you! (Turning round.) But there are ladies here; we must first see whether they are willing or unwilling.
THEU. You say what's good and proper; just make enquiry, and ask. I'll wait here outside until you come out.
TRA. (aside). May all the Gods and Goddesses utterly confound you, old gentleman! in such a fashion are you thwarting my artful plans in every way. Bravo! very good! Look, Simo himself, the owner of the house, is coming out of doors. I'll step aside here, until I have convened the senate of council in my mind. Then, when I've discovered what I am to do, I'll join him. (THEUROPIDESandTRANIOstand at a distance fromSIMO'shouse, in opposite directions, THEUROPIDESbeing out of sight.)
{Footnote 1:As a fox eats a pear)—Ver. 543. This may either mean, very easily indeed, or not at all. It is not clear that a fox will eat a pear; but if does, his teeth will go through it with the greatest ease. Not improbably, Tranio uses the expression for its ambiguity.}
{Footnote 2:Friend Saturides)—Ver. 552. A nickname coined by the author, from "satur," "brimful," of money, probably.}
{Footnote 3:Commence the attack)—Ver. 564. "Pilum injecisti." Literally, "you have thrown the dart." "To throw the dart" was a common expression, signifying to make the first attack;" as the darts were thrown before recourse was had to the sword.}
{Footnote 4:That expression)—Ver. 574. By "hoc verbum" he probably alludes to the expression, "reddite argentum," "down with the money."}
{Footnote 5:Take the principal)—Ver. 575. He finds he must say something, so he says this, although he has no money with him. He knows, however, that the usurer will first insist on the interest being paid, because if he takes the principal, it will be a legal waver of his right to claim the interest.}
{Footnote 6:Let him pay the)—Ver. 581. "Quin sortem potius dare licet?" is the reading here, in Weise's Edition; but the line seems hopelessly incorrect.}
{Footnote 7:It scorches badly)—Ver. 592. This line is given by Gruter to Theuropides, by Acidalius to Tranio, and by Lambinus to the Banker. The latter seems the most appropriate owner of it; and he probably alludes, aside, to the effects of his pressing in a loud voice for the money. Tranio is introduced as using the same expression, in l.650; but there can be no doubt that the line, as there inserted, is spurious.}
{Footnote 8:Do you quite understand)—Ver. 629. Warner suggests, that by using this expression before the Banker, he intends to make a secret of the house being haunted, and that he keeps up the mystery in the succeeding line.}
SIM. (to himself). I've not enjoyed myself better at home this yearthan I have to-day, nor has at any time any meal pleased me better. My wife provided a very nice breakfast for me; now she bids me go take a nap. By no means! It instantly struck me thatit didn't so happenby chance. She provided a better breakfast than is her wont;and then, the old lady wanted to draw me away to my chamber. Sleep is not good {1} after breakfast—out upon it! I secretly stole away from the house, out of doors. My wife, I'm sure, is now quite burstingwith rageat home.
TRA. (apart). A sore mischance is provided for this old fellow by the evening; for he must both dine and go to bed in-doors in sorry fashion.
SIM. (continuing). The more I reflect upon it in my mind: if any person has a dowriedwife, sleep has no charms for him. I detest going to take a nap. It's a settled matter with me to be off to the Forum from here, rather than nap it at home. And, i' faith (to theAUDIENCE), I don't know how yourwivesare in their behaviour; thiswife of mine, I know right well how badly she treats me,andthat she will prove more annoying to me hereafter than she has been.
TRA. (apart). If your escape, old gentleman, turns out amiss, there'll be no reason for you to be accusing any one of the Gods; by very good right, you may justly lay the blame upon yourself. It's time now for me to accost this old fellow. 'Tis down upon him. {2} I've hit upon a plan whereby to cajole the old fellow, by means of which to drive grief {3} away from me. I'll accost him. (Accosting him.) May the Gods, Simo, send on you many blessings! (Takes him by the hand.)
SIM. Save you, Tranio! TRA. How fare you?
SIM. Not amiss. What are you about?
TRA. Holdingby the handa very worthy man.
SIM. You act in a friendly way, in speaking well of me.
TRA. It certainly is your due.
SIM. But, i' faith, in you I don't hold a good servantby the hand.
THEU. (calling from a distance, where he is not perceived bySIMO). Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.
TRA. (turning round). I'll be there just now.
SIM. Well now, how soon—?
TRA. What is it? SIM. The usual goings-on.
TRA. Tell me then, these usual goings-on, what are they?
SIM. The way that youyourselvesproceed. But, Tranio, to say the truth, according as men are, it so befits you to humour them; reflecting, at the same time, how short life is.
TRA. Whatof all this? Dear me, at last, after some difficulty,
I perceive that you are talking about these goings-on of ours.
SIM. I' faith, youpeopleare living a merry life, just as befits you: on wine, good cheer, nice dainty fish, you enjoy life.
TRA. Why yes, so it was in time past, indeed;butnow these things have come to an end all at once. SIM. How so?
TRA. So utterly, Simo, are we all undone!
SIM. Won't you hold your tongue? Everything has gone on prosperously with you hitherto.
TEA. I don't deny that it has been as you say; undoubtedly, we have lived heartily, just as we pleased; but, Simo, in such a way has the breeze now forsaken our ship—
SIM. What's the matter? In what way?
TRA. In a most shockingway.
SIM. What, wasn't it hauled ashore {4} in safety?
TRA. Ah me! SIM. What's the matter?
TRA. Ah wretched me! I'm utterly undone!
SIM. How so? TRA. Because a ship has come, to smash the hull of our ship.
SIM. I would wish as you would wish, Tranio,for your own sake. But what is the matter? Do inform me.
TRA. I will inform you. My master has arrived from abroad.
SIM. In that case, the cord will be stretched for you; thence to the place where iron fetters clink; after that, straight to the cross.
TRA. Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don't give information to my master.
SIM. Don't you fear; he shall know nothing from me.
TRA. Blessings on you, my patron.
SIM. I don't care for clients of this description for myself.
TRA. Now as to this about which our old gentleman has sent me.
SIM. First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has your old gentleman discovered anything of these matters?
TRA. Nothing whatever.
SIM. Has he censured his son at all?
TRA. He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be. Now he has requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given him to see over this house of yours.
SIM. It's not for sale. TRA. I know that indeed; but the old gentleman wishes to build a woman's apartment {5} here in his own house, baths, too, and a piazza, and a porch.
SIM. What has he been dreaming of?
TRA. I'll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as soon as he can; for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women. But he says that some builder, I don't know who, has been praising up to him thishouse of yours, as being remarkably well built; now he's desirous to take a model from it, if you don't make any objection—
SIM. Indeed, he is really choosing a plan for himself from a piece of poor workmanship.
TRA.It wasbecause he heard that here the summer heat was much modified; that this house was wont to be inhabited each day all day long.
SIM. Why really, upon my faith, on the contrary, while there's shade in every direction, in spite of it, the sun is always here from morning till night: he stands, like a dun, continually at the door; and I have no shade anywhere, unless, perhaps, there may be some in the well.
TRA. Well now, have you one from Sarsina, if you have no woman of Umbria {6}?
SIM. Don't be impertinent. It is just as I tell you.
TRA. Still, he wishes to look over it.
SIM. He may look over it, if he likes. If there is anything that takes his fancy, let him build after my plan.
TRA. Am I to go and callthisperson hither?
SIM. Goandcall him.
TRA. (to himself, as he goes to the other side of the stage to callTHEUROPIDES). They say that Alexander the Great and Agathocles {7} achieved two very great exploits; what shall be the lot of myself, a third, who, unaided, am achieving deeds imperishable? This old fellow is carrying his pack-saddle, the other one, as well. I've hit upon a novel trade for myself, not a bad one; whereas muleteers have mules to carry pack-saddles; I've got men to carry the pack-saddles. They are able to carry heavy burdens; whatever you put upon them, they carry. Now, I don't know whether I am to address him. I'll accost him,however. (Calling aloud.) Hark you, Theuropides!
THEU. (coming forward). Well; who's calling me?
TRA. A servant most attached to his master. Where you sent me, I got it all agreed to.
THEU. Prithee, why did you stay there so long?
TRA. The old gentleman hadn't leisure; I was waiting until then.
THEU. You keep up that old way of yours, of being tardy.
TRA. Hark you! if you please reflect upon this proverb: to blow and swallow {8} at the same moment isn't easy to be done; I couldn't be here and there at the same time.
THEU. What now?
TRA. Come and look, and inspect it at your own pleasure.
THEU. Very well, you go before me.
TRA. Am I delayingto do so?THEU. I'll follow after you.
TEA. (as they advance). Look, the old gentleman himself is awaiting you before the door, but he is concerned that he has sold thishouse.
THEU. Why so?
TRA. He begs me to persuade Philolaches to let him off.
THEU. I don't thinkhe will. Each man reaps on his own farm {9}. If it had been bought dear, we shouldn't have had permission to return it on his hands. Whatever profit there is, it's proper to bring it home. It don't, now-a-days, befit men to be showing compassion.
TRA. I' faith, you are losing time while you are talking. Followme.
THEU. Be it so. TRA. (toTHEUROPIDES). I'll give you my services. (Pointing.) There's the old gentleman. (ToSIMO.) Well now, I've brought youthisperson.
SIM. I'm glad that you've arrived safely from abroad, Theuropides. THEU. May the Gods bless you.
SIM. Your servant was telling me that you were desirous to look over this house.
THEU. Unless it's inconvenient to you.
SIM. Oh no;quiteconvenient. Do step in-doors and look over it. THEU. (pausing). But yet—the ladies—
SIM. Take you care not to trouble yourself a straw about any lady. Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house, just as though it were your own.
THEU. (apart toTRANIO). "Just as though—?"
TRA. (whispering). Oh, take care that you don't throw it in his teeth now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don't you see him, how sad a countenance the old gentleman has?
THEU. (apart). I see. TRA. (apart). Then don't seem to exult, and to be overmuch delighted;in fact, don't make mention that you've bought it.
THEU. (apart). I understand; and I think you've given good advice, and that it shows a humane disposition. (Turning toSIMO.) What now?
SIM. Won't you go in? Look over it at your leisure, just as you like.
THEU. I consider that you are acting civilly and kindly.
SIM. Troth, I wish to do so. Should you like some one to show you over.
THEU. Away with any one to show {10} me over. I don't want him. SIM. Why? What's the matter?
THEU. I'll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over.
TRA. (pointing). Don't you see, this vestibule before the house, and the piazza, of what a compass it is?
THEU. Troth, really handsome!
TRA. Well, looknow, what pillars there are, with what strength they are built, and of what a thickness.
THEU. I don't think that Ieversaw handsomer pillars.
SIM. I' faith, they were some time since bought by me at such a price!
TRA. (aside, whispering). Don't you hear—"They wereonce"?He seems hardly able to refrain from tears.
THEU. At what price did you purchase them?
SIM. I gave three minae for the two, besides the carriage. (He retires to some distance.)
THEU. (after looking close at them, toTRANIO). Why, upon my word, they are much more unsound than I thought them at first.
TRA. Why so? THEU. Because, i' faith, the woodworm has split them both from the bottom.
TRA. I think they were cut at an improper season; that fault damages them; but even as it is, they are quite good enough, if they are covered with pitch. But it was no foreign pulse-eating artisan {11} did this work. Don't you see the joints in the door? (Pointing.)
THEU. I see them. TRA. Look, how close together they are sleeping.
THEU. Sleeping? TRA. That is, how they wink, I intended to say. Are you satisfied?
THEU. The more I look at each particular, the more it pleases me.
TRA. (pointing). Don't you see the painting, where one crow {12} is baffling two vultures? The crow stands there; it's pecking at them both in turn. This way, look, prithee, towards me {13}, that you may be able to see the crow. (THEUROPIDESturns towards him.) Now do you see it?
THEU. (looking about). For my part, I really see no crow there.
TRA. But do you look in that direction, towards yourselves, since you cannot discover the crow, if perchance you may be able to espy the vultures. (THEUROPIDESturns towardsSIMO.) Now do you seethem?
THEU. Upon my faith, I don't see them.
TRA. But Ican seetwo vultures.
THEU. To make an end of it with you, I don't see any bird at all painted here.
TRA. Well then, I give it up. I excuse you; it is through age you cannot see.
THEU. These things which I cansee, really they do all please me mightily.
SIM. (coming forward). Now, at length, it's worth your while to move further on. THEU. Troth, you give good advice.
SIM. (calling at the door). Ho there, boy! takethis personround this house and the apartments. But I myself would have shown you round, if I hadn't had business at the Forum.
THEU. Away with any one to show me over. I don't want to be shown over. Whatever it is, I'd rather go wrong than any one should show me over.
SIM. The house I'm speaking of.
THEU. Then I'll go in without any one to show me over.
SIM. Go, by all means.
THEU. I'll go in-doors, then.
TRA. (holding him back). Stop, please; let me see whether the dog—THEU. Very well then, look. (TRANIOlooks into the passage.)
TRA. There is one. THEU. (looking in). Where is it?
TRA. (to the dog). Be off and be hanged! 'St, won't you be off to utter perdition with you? What, do you still linger? 'St, away with you from here!
SIM. (coming nearer to the door). There's no danger. You only move on. It's as gentle {14} as a woman in childbed. You may boldly step in-doors wherever you like. I'm going hence to the Forum.
THEU. You've acted obligingly. Good speed to you! (ExitSIMO.) Tranio, come, make that dog move away from the door inside, although it isn't to be feared.
TRA. Nay but (pointing), you look at it, how gently it lies. Unless you'd like yourself to appear troublesome and cowardly—
THEU. Very well, just as you like.
TRA. Follow me this way then.
THEU. For my part, I shall not move in any direction from your feet. (They go into the house.)
{Footnote 1:Sleep is not good)—Ver. 681. It was a custom with the Romans to take a nap at noon, after the "prandium." The modern Italians have the same practice, and call it the "siesta." Simo has his private reasons for thinking that this nap is not wholesome in his own case.}
{Footnote 2:Down upon him)—Ver. 698. "Hoc habet." Literally, "he has it;" a term used by the Spectators, when a gladiator received a wound at the gladiatoral games.}
{Footnote 3:By means of which to drive grief)—Ver. 699. He plays upon the resemblance of the words "dolo" and "dolorem."}
{Footnote 4:Wasn't it hauled ashore)—Vet. 723. It was the custom, when ships were not in use, especially in the winter time, to draw them up on chore, by means of rollers placed beneath them.}
{Footnote 5:A woman's apartment)—Ver. 741. "Gynaeceum." This was a name borrowed from the Greeks, for the apartments in the house which were especially devoted to the use of the females.}
{Footnote 6:No woman of Umbria)—Ver. 756. This is a poor pun upon the different acceptations of the word "umbra," which may signify, according to the context, "shade," or "a woman of Umbria." Simo means it in the former, while Tranio chooses to take it in the latter sense. Simo does not like this attempt at wit, and tells him not to be impertinent. We may here observe, that Plautus was born at Sarsina, a town of Umbria.}
{Footnote 7:Agathocles)—Ver. 761. Agathocles rose from the station of a potter to be king of Sicily.}
{Footnote 8:To blow and swallow)—Ver. 777. Or "exhale and inhale." A proverbial expression, very similar to that in use with us, that "a person cannot blow hot and cold at the same time."}
{Footnote 9:Reaps on his own farm)—Ver. 785. A country proverb, meaning "every one for himself."}
{Footnote 10:Away with any one to show)—Ver. 804. He says this, not liking the mention of the word "perductor," which, beside meaning an "attendant" or "one to escort," signifies a "pander" or "procurer." So in the next line, "perducto" means "to show over" or "to act the procurer."}
{Footnote 11:Foreign pulse-eating artisan)—Ver. 817. From the use of the word "pultiphagus," he probably alludes to Carthaginian workmen, who were very skilful at working in wood. In the Poenulus, Hanno the Carthaginian is called "patruus pultiphagonides," "the pulse-eating kinsman." If this is the meaning, it is pretty clear that he is not speaking in praise of the workmanship. Some, however, think that as, in early times, the lower classes at Rome lived upon "puls," "pap" or "pottage," the Scene being at Athens, Roman workmen are alluded to; if so, he may mean to speak in praise of the work, and to say that no bungling artists made the doors. See the Note in p. 355. The joints are said to wink, from the close conjunction of the eyelids in the act of winking.}
{Footnote 12:Where one crow)—Ver. 821. By the "crow," he means himself; and by the "vultures," the two old men. Simo is probably standing at some distance off; and knowing that his master's sight is not good, he feels that he may deride him with impunity.}
{Footnote 13:Towards me)—Ver. 822. "Ad me." Theuropides thinks he means, "in my direction;" whereas Tranio really means, "look 'at me,' and you will see the crow;" though he does not intend that his master shall take it in that sense.}
{Footnote 14:It's as gentle)—Ver. 840. This, probably, is intended to refer to the statue of a dog lying down in the vestibule, and not a real one. Pictures of dogs, with "cave canem" written beneath, were sometimes painted on the wall near the door.}