ORANGES AND LEMONS

[TheBailiffrides in on hobby horse and curvets and prances round on stage, and rides into middle whereGanderandDrakeare standing.

Bailiff.Now then, you birds! Get out of the way, can't you?

[He hits at them with his stick.TheGanderandDrakeflap their wings, hiss and quack, and scurry out of the way.Bailiffhitches his horse to the gate by the bridle and walks into the middle of the road, bends down, and looks at where the hole had been.

Gander[toDrake]. There now, you see. I told you he did it.

[Farmer Gilescomes slowly out and leans over gate at back C.

Bailiff[still in road]. Morning, Farmer Giles.

Farmer Giles[pipe in mouth, nods sideways]. Morning.

Bailiff.I came to have a look at the road. I'm glad to see that the hole's quite gone.

Gander[toDrake]. Listen to him, glorying in it!

Farmer Giles.Oh ay, they had a grand mending of it. They filled it and rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it, and they filled it and they rolled it, and then, they filled it and they rolled it again.

Bailiff.And they've made a good job of it, too.

Gander[toDrake]. Let's show him we don't like it.

[They stand in the middle of the road and flap and hiss and quack.

Bailiff.Those birds are intolerable.

Farmer Giles[smiling]. I expect they're looking for their puddle, poor things. They was always splashing about in it.

Bailiff.Then they'll have to do without it, that's all. [Gandercomes up near him and flaps at him.Bailiffunties hobby horse.] That's a vicious gander of yours, Farmer Giles. He nearly drowned my children the other day. It really isn't safe.

Farmer Giles.Ah, the little uns was teasing of him, I daresay. It'll do them no harm to be learned how to behave in the farmyard.

Bailiff[mounting his horse]. Well, he had better not do it again.

[Shakes his stick atGander.Ganderrushes at him.They fight.DrakeandGanderpeck and flap.Bailiffbeats them with his stick.Gandergets hold of his coat with his beak.Bailiffbeats him off.Farmer Gileslooks on, smoking and smiling.

Bailiff.My best coat! Look! this is intolerable. I shall go straight to the castle and complain to her ladyship.

[Gallops off R.

Farmer Giles[toGander]. Look here, old boy, you must behave yourself, mind, or you'll get into trouble.

[Goes back through gate and off L.

Gander.Quick, we must follow that old wretch to the castle and hear what he's saying. Come on, Drakey. How fast can you waddle?

Drake.Oh, a good pace. I can do a mile an hour easy.

Gander.Capital. Come along then.

[They waddle out R.

The COUNTESS'S Boudoir. A table R. slanting to the audience with ornamental mirror standing on it. A door at back, L.C. Door in R.H. corner, back labelled"Secret staircase to dungeon."TheCountesssitting at the table looking at herself in the mirror.Melissa,her maid, standing, with a hat in her hand trimmed with flowers.

Countess.Now, Melissa, give me my garden hat, please. I feel inclined to go down to the farm.

Melissa[bringing the hat]. Your ladyship is so fond of the farm.

Countess.Indeed I am, and of the live stock there. I should like to direct it all myself, but I don't think the bailiff would like it. He is rather tiresome sometimes.

Melissa.Still, my lady, he is a most honest man, and his accounts, as your ladyship always says, are a marvel.

Countess.Oh yes, in many ways he is excellent, I know, and yet he is not popular with the poultry—no doubt of that.

Melissa.That is true. He doesn't seem to get on with the gander.

Countess.Such a pity. I like the gander myself—he is always very civil to me.

Melissa[laughing]. Really, my lady, he seems such a sensible bird, sometimes you would really think he understood what you say.

[They both laugh. A knock at the door.

Countess.Melissa!

[Points to door.

[Melissaopens the door.TheBailiffis seen.

Bailiff.May I enter, madam?

Melissa.Come in, Master Bailiff.

EnterBailiff.

Countess.Good day, Master Bailiff.

Bailiff[agitated]. I hope I do not intrude on your ladyship, but I come on a pressing matter——

Countess.What is it?

Bailiff.My coat, madam.

Countess.WHAT!

Bailiff.I beg your ladyship to look at it—there is a large tear in it.

Countess.A somewhat unseemly sight—I should have thought you would have begged me not to look at it.

Bailiff.But it is your gander, my lady.

Countess.What is my gander?

Bailiff.My coat.

Countess.Your coat is my gander, Bailiff? You are talking wildly.

Bailiff.It is no wonder, madam. It was the Gander didit. [Showing tear on coat.] I have been attacked by that vicious bird——

Countess.And wounded in the coat tails!

[CountessandMelissalaugh.

Bailiff.It does not seem a laughing matter to me, your ladyship. Something must be done.

Countess.With a needle and thread. There, I quite agree with you.

Bailiff.No, madam—with a big stick. Something must be done to make the Gander behave better.

Countess.I am sorry you don't like the Gander, Bailiff. I always find him very pleasant.

Bailiff.I regret that your ladyship is inclined to make such a companion of him. He really seems to consider he is on an equality with your ladyship.

Countess.On an equality with me! You are impertinent, sir. No one is on an equality with me in this castle. But I have a warm regard for the Gander, and I consider that you have insulted us both by your complaints. [A noise at the door.] Melissa!

[Melissahastens to open the door.TheGanderandDrakeare seen in the doorway.They both bow.

Melissa.Oh!

Countess.Come in, both of you.

Bailiff.What, even here! Miserable birds, how dare you!

[GanderandDrakehiss and squawk.

Countess.You forget yourself, Bailiff. This is not your house. I beg that you will apologise at once for your rudeness to us all. Down on your knees at once and pray for forgiveness.

Bailiff.I am willing to apologise to you, madam, but not to the Gander, and I will not go on my knees, even to your ladyship.

Countess.Do you hear that, Gander? There stands an old man——

Bailiff.Old man, madam?

Countess.Yes, old, compared to the Gander—who willnot say his prayers. Take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.

[Fight.TheBailiffhits theGanderandDrakewith his stick.They flap and peck.Melissaopens the door of the secret staircase.TheBailifffalls with his legs through the doorway. They drag him out and a great noise of tumbling is heard. Then they come in again.

Countess.Thank you, Gander. Now we will go for a nice walk and you shall choose it. You shall take me to your favourite place.

[TheGanderandDrakeboth shake their heads sadly.

Countess.What is it? Something wrong? Dear me, I wish you could speak. Lead the way then. Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander?

[Walk round with steps and out.

4. GOOSEY GANDER.

MRS. CARRKITTY,her daughterSHOREDITCH BOYST. MARTIN'S BOYOLD BAILEY BOYSTEPNEY BOYBOW BOYNEIGHBOURS

A STREET.Mrs. Carr,with a small basket in her hand in which are two oranges and two lemons, is walking along the street to her house, holding her little daughterKittyby the hand.They are supposed to have just arrived at her house door.

Mrs. C.There now, here we are at home again, and I'll take these in and make a nice pot of jam with them. I got them very cheap.

Kitty.How much were they?

Mrs. C.Twopence each orange, and twopence and three farthings each lemon.

[Handbells heard ringing.

Kitty.Mother, why are the bells ringing?

Mrs. C.Because it is Bellringers' Day, when everyone who likes may ring a bell in the streets if he calls out the name of his parish and puts a penny into the parish poor box.

Kitty.Oh, I should like to do that. What's our parish?

Mrs. C.St. Clement's.

Kitty.And I could ring my little bell that I got off the Christmas tree.

Mrs. C.But have you a penny for the poor box?

Kitty[coaxingly]. You give me one, mammy darling.

Mrs. C.[smiling]. I'm afraid I haven't one to spare. I spent my pennies on these.

Kitty[looking at the oranges and lemons in basket]. Do let me sell them again and have some pennies!

Mrs. C.What about the jam then?

Kitty.Oh, I'd much rather have the pennies for the poor box, so that I could ring my bell too.

Mrs. C.Well, you may try to sell them if you like.

Kitty. Oh, mammy darling, youarekind. I'll run in and get my bell.

[Rushes in to get it.While she is insideMrs. Carrarranges the oranges and lemons in the basket, etc.Kittycomes out with the bell.

Mrs. C.[giving her the basket, smiling]. I'm spoiling you, mind.

Kitty.It is nice to be spoilt. Now you go indoors, mother, and I'll be a real person all by myself.

[Mrs. C.smiles, kisses her, and goes in.Kitty,alone, walks up and down calling"St Clement's! St. Clement's! St. Clement's!"EnterSt. Martin's Boy,ringing his bell.

St. M.St. Martin's! St. Martin's!

[Looks atKitty'sbasket.

Kitty[sings to tune, ringing bell]. Oranges and lemons, says the Bells of St. Clement's!

St. M.Jolly good they look.

Kitty.Buy one?

St. M.Yes, if they're not too dear. How much are they?

Kitty.Two pennies for each orange, and two pennies and three farthings for each lemon.

St. M.All right, I'll have one of each. Now, twopence for this, you say, and twopence three farthings for this. Can you reckon up how much that is?

Kitty.No—youmust.

St. M.Girlsaresilly. That makes fourpence three-farthings. Now, here's a sixpence, and you must give me five farthings change.

[Sings] "You owe me five farthings, says the bells of St. Martin's."

Kitty.Oh dear, I've got no farthings, no change, no nothing.

St. M.Then you'll have no sixpence as well, that's all. And I'll have no oranges and lemons—and no nothing.

Kitty.Oh dear, what a pity!

[EnterShoreditch Boy,ringing bell.

Shoreditch.Shoreditch! Shoreditch! Hallo, those look good. Look here, little girl, sell me one. [Feels in his pocket.] No, my pocket's empty.

[EnterOld Bailey Boy,ringing bell.

Old Bailey.Old Bailey! Old Bailey! Jolly things you've got there, young person.

Kitty.Dobuy one.

Shoreditch.Iwant to buy one if someone will lend me the money.

Old Bailey.Here, I've got some money. How much do you want?

Shoreditch.Twopence.

Old Bailey.Here you are then.

Shoreditch.Hooray! [Takes orange.] There, little girl.

[Gives her two pennies.

Kitty.Oh, that is nice!

Old Bailey[toShoreditch]. But when will you pay me?

[Sings] "When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey."

Shoreditch[sings, smiling]. "When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch."

Old Bailey.That's all very well, but it's a long time to wait. You put back that orange and give me back the pennies.

[They begin fighting, their bells making a noise as they do so.EnterStepneyandBow,ringing bells,Stepneyin front.

Stepney.Stepney!

Bow.And Bow!

Stepney.Stepney!

Bow.And Bow!

[They look at the boys fighting.

Bow.What's all this about?

Old Bailey.I've lent this Shoreditch boy twopence, and he says he'll pay me when he grows rich.

Stepney[toShoreditch,sings]. "When will that be? says the bell of Stepney."

[Shoreditchshakes his head and laughs.

Bow[in a deep voice, sings]. "I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow."

Old Bailey.Don't know, indeed!

Bow.Well, don't quarrel on Bellringers' Day. Let's make a great noise and disturb the neighbours, that's much more amusing. Come on now, let's each shout something.

5. ORANGES AND LEMONS.

[Each one sings a line, ringing the bell on the first beat of the bar.

Kitty.Oranges and lemons, says the bell of St. Clement's.

St. M.You owe me five farthings, says the bell of St. Martin's.

Old Bailey.When will you pay me? says the bell of Old Bailey.

Shoreditch.When I grow rich, says the bell of Shoreditch.

Stepney.When will that be? says the bell of Stepney.

Bow.I'm sure I don't know, says the big bell of Bow. Capital. Now, all together, about the chopper.

[All sing very loud.

Here comes a candle to light you to bed,And here comes a chopper to chop off your head.

Neighbours.Oh, what a noise!

Bow.It's Bellringers' Day, ma'am. We may make as much noise as we like. Now then, all together.

[They stand in a row and sing the song straight through. Then they either march round in single file without singing, but ringing their bells, while the tune is played on the piano, or else dance. In either case the neighbours may join in.

TimmyandJimmyin separate beds, feet to audience, as the curtain goes up.Timsits up cautiously.

Tim.Jim, are you asleep?

Jim[sitting up and laughing]. Yes, sound, are you?

Tim.Yes. Idothink it's so boring being in bed, don't you?

Jim.Horrid. I hate being asleep.

Tim.But it's so difficult to keep awake sometimes, even if one has a book to look at.

Jim.I can't think why Nurse doesn't like us to bring our book to bed. This is just the time to have it. It gives one nice dreams. [He takes up book from the ground by his bed.] Look, I've got mine.

Tim.It would be safer to wait till she's been.

Jim[putting it under pillow]. Perhaps it would.

Tim.Idolike it when Nurse looks in very softly and then says to Mother outside, "They're sound asleep, ma'am," when we're awake all the time!

Jim.Take care, here she comes.

[Nurseopens door with precaution, comes to beds, looks at both boys, who pretend to be sound asleep. She goes on tiptoe to door, opens it, says, "They're sound asleep, ma'am,"and goes out quietly.The boys put out their heads, listen, and then sit up.

Tim.Now the book!

Jim.Read something very nice. Then we can think about it afterwards. That will keep us awake.

[They sit up.

Tim.Oh, this is the one I like—"Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross, To see a fine lady upon a white horse: Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, She shall have music wherever she goes."

Jim.Oh yes, I love that one. Let's talk about it.

Tim.What do you think a cock-horse is?

Jim.I can't imagine. Do you think it's a horse with a cock's head?

Tim.Oh, I wonder if he'd be like our Chanticleer, all white with a beautiful red comb.

Jim.Or perhaps he'd be like our Rooster, all black and speckly. I wonder if he'd crow all the same, as our cocks do in the morning under our windows.

Tim[laughing]. Oh dear, how funny Chanticleer would look with a horse's body! or is it a cock's head and a horse's body?

Jim[laughing]. You couldn't ride him so easily.

Tim.I should think it's a great big cock and wings sticking out like that [stretching his arms], and with a beautiful horse's back and a long tail. Oh, I should like to ride him!

Jim.So should I.

[They begin to talk sleepily.

Tim.And what about the fine lady? What do you think Banbury Cross is like?

Jim.Oh, there's the picture. Look, it's a great stone thing; and there's the fine lady all in white, with a crown on.

Tim.I wish there was a picture of the cock-horse too.

Jim[more sleepily]. I should like to ride on it—and—go to see the fine lady.

Tim.Yes, we'd go to Banbury Cross and—see—her.

[Talking more and more sleepily. The book falls out of his hand on to the floor as they both go to sleep.

A market place. A ring of children dancing hand in hand round Banbury Cross, which stands in the middle, half way up stage. Children sing:

"Ride a cock-horse to Banbury CrossTo see a fine lady upon a white horse:Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,She shall have music wherever she goes."

At the end of the tune they leave off dancing after singing it through.

First Child.Oh, I'msoout of breath.

Second Child.Let's rest a little.

Third Child.Yes, till the Procession comes.

[They all stand and sit at back.

Fourth Child.Oh, look! there's someone coming.

[EnterJimmyandTimmy,riding cock-horses(hobby horses with cocks' heads).They gallop round Cross.

Tim.There, Rooster, we've just done it. Youarea good one to go.

Jim.So are you, Chanticleer.

First Child.Oh, are you the beginning of the procession, please?

Jim.What procession?

Child.The fine lady that is coming on a white horse—the Queen of the Revels.

Tim.What are revels?

Child.Games and dancing and all sorts of fun.

6. RIDE A COCK HORSE.

Tim.Oh, how nice!

Child.Isn't it!

[The children jump for joy and clap their hands.

Jim[toTim]. Iamglad we came.

Tim.So am I.

Children.Hooray! Hooray! Here she comes.

[Looking off R. Enter the fine lady on her white horse.TheMaster of the Revelsleads her.Two boys walk in front playing a tune on cazoos, etc. Escort of fairies, etc., if available. The Queen's horse stops at the foot of Banbury Cross—she hands a roll of paper to theMaster,who receives it with a bow.

Crowd.Hooray! Hooray!

Master.Here is the list of the Revels—the first will be a race.

Jim[toTim]. That will be fun. I like seeing races.

Master.First race, Cock-horses—three times round Banbury Cross. How many entries?

Jim[toTim]. Do you suppose that's us?

Tim.I don't see any others.

Master[loud]. Any entries?

Jim.Cock-horse Chanticleer, ridden by Jim.

Tim.Cock-horse Rooster, ridden by Tim.

Master.One, two, three, off!

[They ride round and round, crowd cheer, etc. They come in a dead heat.

Master.A dead heat—no prize.

Jim.No prize?

Master.No. Don't talk. Next revel, a dance.

[All dance,TimandJimand their steeds marking time.

Master.Next revel, crowing competition.

[One after another they crow, very badly.Chant.crows, everyone claps. ThenRoostercrows, they clap again.

Child.That's not fair—he's a professional.

Another Child.Never mind! Well done, Rooster.

[All clap.

[Scene must be changed as quickly as possible, the crowing going on uninterruptedly from the time the curtain falls until after it goes up again.

Same as Scene I.TimandJimin bed asleep—crowing going on outside.Timsits up and rubs his eyes.

Tim.No, no, Rooster, leave off now. You've got the prize. [He sits up and rubs his eyes.] Jim, we must ride back now. [Gradually more wide-awake.] Why, that's Chanticleer crowing outside!

[Jimalso sits up.

Jim.What's that crowing? Where am I?

Tim.I've been dreaming I was riding a cock-horse.

Jim.And I dreamt I saw the fine lady. Oh, I'm so sleepy.

[They both fall back on pillow and go to sleep again.

EnterNurse.

Nurse.What, asleep still! Come, it's time to get up. And you've been taking a book to bed, you naughty boys, and reading it instead of going to sleep. That's why you're so tired this morning. What's it about? Why, what absurd stuff!

Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,To see a fine lady upon a white horse:With rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes,She shall have music——

NurseandMiss Muffet,reading at table.

Muffet[reading her lesson]. C, A, T, cat; M, A, T, mat. I've done my lessons very well to-day, haven't I?

Nurse.Yes, Miss Muffet dear, you've been a very good little girl. Now, just read those two sentences and then we will go out.

Muffet[reading]. THE CAT IS ON THE MAT. THE BAT IS ON THE MAT. Oh, I don't like that story.

Nurse[surprised]. Why not?

Muffet.About the bat. It frightens me to read about a bat on the mat. I don't like bats.

Nurse.Why, you silly little girl, they don't do you any harm.

Muffet.They make me afraid. I can't bear bats—they're nearly as bad as spiders.

Nurse.I never saw such a foolish little child. Spiders don't do you any harm, either.

Muffet.Oh, they're worse than bats. You won't let one come near me, nursie, will you?

Nurse[smiling]. Of course not, my poppet. Now, it's time to go out. Put your things on and we'll take the baby into the grounds.

[Nurseties onMuffet'shat, and while she dresses her they talk.

Muffet.Nursie, you know that you said if I were good at my lesson I could choose my luncheon?

Nurse.I did, yes.

Muffet.Anddolet me take it out with me to have outside.

Nurse.Then you must have something that's easy to carry. What do you say to some nice bread and butter?

Muffet.No.

Nurse.Then what about a nice ginger-nut?

Muffet.No.

Nurse.Or a nice scone?

Muffet.No.

Nurse.Or a nice Albert biscuit?

Muffet.No.

Nurse.Then whatdoyou want?

Muffet.Something that begins with a K.

Nurse.With a K.? What can that be?

Muffet[triumphantly]. Curds and whey!

Nurse.Oh, my dear child, what spelling! Curds begins with a C.

Muffet[decidedly]. No, nursie, I've done my spelling for to-day. You'll let me have it outside, won't you? Just for a treat.

Nurse.It won't be much of a treat if you spill it all on the path.

Muffet.No, I don't want to give the path a treat, do I? Oh, I'll be so careful, nursie, you'll see.Dolet me.

Nurse.Very well then, just for once you may. But mind, you mustn't begin Curds with a K.

Muffet.I'll begin it with a spoon, dear nursie—that's best. I'll go and get it from the kitchen.

Nurse.And I'll go and fetch the darling baby. Bless his pretty heart for a popsy wopsy toodelums.

The grounds—a grassy hillock—some trees.Enter theSpider,prowling mysteriously.

TheSpidershould have eight legs, made of thick wire, bent and covered with black.Two curving from his feet, two from his hands, two from his head (fastened on to a round frame), two from his shoulders.

Spider.Ha, none of those horrid two-legged creatures about, I am glad to say. I should be ashamed to have so few legs. Now, let me see. Where shall I start my spinning? [Sits on tuffet and looks round.] That bough, I think, would be best ... it's just the right kind of day—not too shiny, nor too damp. Just the sort of day for a fly not to see a web. [Looks round.] Perhaps I'd better look round and see if there's a better place. Dear me, now there's a bluebottle gone swaggering past. If I'd had the web ready he'd have blundered straight into it. Fat blue thing! These winged creaturesareso stupid sometimes. Well, I mustn't lose any more time.

[Goes out R.

[EnterNurse,pushing pram in which the baby is supposed to be;Muffetfollowing, carrying a bowl very carefully and a spoon.

Nurse.Now, Miss Muffet, you had better sit down and eat your curds and whey or you'll be splashing it down your frock. Suppose you sit on that tuffet and eat it while I walk the baby about.

Muffet.Is that called a tuffet? What a nice name!

Nurse.Yes, it's called a tuffet because that's where people sit to eat curds and whey.

Muffet.Oh, I'll sit there then. [Establishes herself carefully.] Now I'll pretend I'm on a desert island, Nurse, and you go away.

Nurse[smiling]. Very well. I leave you to the savages. Good-bye.

Muffet[calls after her]. Nurse!

Nurse.Well?

Muffet.You won't really go away, will you? You'll only pretend?

Nurse.Of course.

Muffet.And they won't be real savages?

Nurse.Certainly not.

Muffet.I always think it's so much nicer to pretend.

[Nursegoes off R.Muffetgoes on eating her curds and whey.Spidercomes in L. with coil of string.Spider,before seeingMuffet,looks up at bough.

Spider.No, this is the best place, I'm sure.

[SeesMuffet,who has nearly eaten her curds.She looks up and sees him, and cries out.

Muffet.Oh! Oh! Oh! Nurse! Nurse! Here's an enormous spider!

Spider.You are very rude—that's worse than being enormous.

Muffet[looking frightened]. I'm very sorry—I didn't mean to be rude.

Spider[mollified]. And I didn't mean to be enormous. But I was born so.

Muffet.Nurse! Nurse!

[She begins crying.

Spider.What's the matter, little Two-legs?

Back to Index Next