Oh, Boobies sublime!She was here all the time!She was hiding in here;And it didn’t occurTo any one’s mindThat we’d left her behind!
Oh, Boobies sublime!She was here all the time!She was hiding in here;And it didn’t occurTo any one’s mindThat we’d left her behind!
Oh, Boobies sublime!She was here all the time!She was hiding in here;And it didn’t occurTo any one’s mindThat we’d left her behind!
Oh, Boobies sublime!
She was here all the time!
She was hiding in here;
And it didn’t occur
To any one’s mind
That we’d left her behind!
Tee.
O muddle-heads, fuddle-heads, go and kow-towTo the cunning of woman!
O muddle-heads, fuddle-heads, go and kow-towTo the cunning of woman!
O muddle-heads, fuddle-heads, go and kow-towTo the cunning of woman!
O muddle-heads, fuddle-heads, go and kow-tow
To the cunning of woman!
Pee.She isn’t here now!
Nau.Oh, but I say!
Lil.D’you think she’s run?
New.If she has—we’redone!
All.We shall get no pay!
EnterMr.andMrs. Olangtsi.
Mrs. O.What’s all this about? Who’s done that?
[Points to broken door.
Lil.That was Mee-Mee; she fought like a cat!
New.With the kick of her heels she smashed the door!
Tee.She threw the palanquin down on the floor!
Hiti.She rent to rags her bridal array!
Han.She took off her crown and she threw it away!
Lil.Her hair stood up like a chevaux-de-frise!
Nau.She knocked us head over heels with ease!
New.She pulled our pigtails, tore our clothes!
Pee.Her mouth was full of horrible oaths!
Tee.She deafened our ears with dreadful cries!
Han.She bit off our buttons and scratched our eyes!
Hiti.She trod on our toes, she wrenched our thumbs!
Nau.She beat our bodies about like drums.
All.She vanished away like a flash of lightning!
Mrs. O.[With contemptuous incredulity.] Pah! where is she?
[Mrs. Olangtsiadvances on them with threatening gesture. They grovel.
Students.She.... Oh, she locked us in! It wasn’t fair! Now was it? It wasn’t what we’d expected. We don’t know where she is! We haven’t seen her!
Enter, running,Josi-MosiandCosi-Mosi.
Josi.Where’sh Mee-Mee?
Mrs. O.That’s whatIwant to know.
[Hiti-Titipicks up poison-phial.
Hiti.What’s this?
Josi.[ToCosi.] Ah! She’sh not done it!
Mrs. O.Done what?
Josi.She wash going to poishon hershelf, you shilly woman!
Cosi.What’s all dis mean?
[Points to bridal preparations.
EnterYunglangtsigorgeously arrayed as a bridegroom.
Where’sh my shecurity? [Furiously.] You were going to rob me, were you? You were going to steal a march on me!
Han.Yes, a wedding march!
[Pointing toYunglangtsi.
Cosi.My money. My money! Give me my money, or I sell you!
Mrs. O.You shan’t have your money! You’ve stolen the girl yourself—you know you have!
Olang.Yes, they have stolen her! I can see it in their faces! Thieves! Thieves!
Mrs. O.They’ve taken her!
Cosi.I have not!
Mrs. O.She was here ten minutes ago!
Cosi.[Losing all control.] And if Ihadtaken her—I had a right to take her! She was my property! Yes, yes! What right had you to be marrying her to any one? Dat was shtealing, dat was!
Mrs. O.You should have thought of that before!
Cosi.I’ll sell you! I’ll sell you still! Dere’s de picture, and de furniture!
[At the word ‘picture’Olangtsishows perturbation; at the word ‘furniture’Mrs. Olangtsi.
Olang.No, no! You mustn’t take the picture! That’s mine. Give me time, and I’ll pay!
Cosi.Time? Time? I’ll show you whattimeis! Here!—you dere outside—in wid you!
EnterBailiffs.
You see dat man? Well, he is a signed-on bankrupt; he is on contract to be sold!
Olang.You cannot!
Cosi.Oh yes! Dis says ‘On demand.’ [He shows document.] Where is de gel?
Mrs. O.You’ve taken her!
Cosi.You do not deliver her—den I sell you!
[Yunglangtsi,who has been wandering heavy and indifferent from group to group, comes suddenly on his certificate with a cry of rapture.
Yung.Ah!!! [All turn astonished.] Oh! my—my beautiful certificate! Mother! My certificate has come back again!
Olang.Ah, Tikipu has been here! He has come back to rob me! Where is Tikipu?
Cosi.[ToBailiffs.] Dere’s de warrant to date. Clear dem out! Go and call de folk in from de street!
[Bailiffsenter house. One goes into thestreet with gong and clappers.
Yung.Oh, mother! Now I needn’t marry Mee-Mee at all, need I? Now I can be a grocer again? Oh!
[He weeps for joy, and sits fondling the certificate.
Olang.You lout, you! You dreg, you sediment! Get up!
[Kicks him.Yunglangtsistays lost in the rapture of his discovery. In the street theCrieris heard crying the sale.ApprenticesandCraftsmencrowd roundMr.andMrs. Olangtsi.Holding out their hands to be paid, they follow them about.
Cosi.Josi, you know how to sell pictures at auction?
Josi.Shell dem? Dat depends.
Cosi.On de picture?
Josi.No; on what you pay me. At ten per shent I can shell pictures handsomely.
Cosi.Give you five.
Josi.Make it——
Cosi.Five.
[Turns away from him.
Josi.Very well; give me de warrant. [Cosi gives it.] I shall shell it less handsomely, dat’sh all!... Yesh, dish shale is going to be an alarming shacrifice, Coshi.... Five per shent!
Crier.[Nearer.] A sale! A sale! A sale!
Josi.Yesh! A shale! Cry it louder!... Great shale of pictures, old furniture, and rattle-traps! Change of business! Amazing bargains! Alarming reductions! Heart-rending sacrifice,—at five per shent! Walk up, walk up, and shee de great shale dat is about to commence!
[Meanwhile theBailiffsare carrying out the furniture.Mrs. Olangtsifalls upon them, and beats them: she is hustled back, only to return to the charge.Yunglangtsisits absorbed in the joy of his recovered certificate. Townsfolk crowd in, to a final flourish of the gong.
Cosi.Now den, Josi, begin!
Josi.Lot number 1. Dis is a picture, gentlemen,—some of you may not know it, but it is a picture.... It is a shelebrated picture; you might not dink so, but it is shelebrated.... It is a picture wid a shtory attached to it; dat makes it an intereshting picture. [Interruption.] What did de gentleman shay?... Quite right; noding else would. As dish is a warrant shale to shatisfy an order of claims it ish not my business to shay anything more dan de truth. It ish my own broder I am shelling dish picture for [consternation ofCosi]; dat’sh why I only take five per shent commission;—my usual charge ish ten. Yesh, Cosi, I’m your broder; I’ve got a shabby coat, but you’ve got a shabby shoul!
[Uproarious amusement among the crowd atJosi’srevelation of relationship; Cosi becomes the butt of jeers and laughter.
Cosi.You give me back dat warrant!
Josi.Not for ten per shent, broder Coshi!
All.Broder Coshi!
Cosi.Ah! you shall pay for this! You see! Here, let me go!
[Unable to endure the ridicule and exposure, he pushes his way out.
Josi.[Raising his voice in victorious derision.] Going—going—at five per shent! Dat’sh right. Nowden, business! Any offer?... Don’t be in a hurry, gentlemen ... take your time! De picture is not going to run away: you can examine it, gentlemen, and shee dat dere is no deception. If dere ever wash any deception it was dree hundred years ago, when de man who painted it ran away from his creditors and pretended dat he had gone into de picture. Dere’sh de shtory for you—all complete.... Well? What offer? Won’t anybody make any offer?
[Olangstipushes forward to bid;ApprenticesandCraftsmensurround him, and hold out their hands, demanding money.
Crier.[Without.] Only ten sen! Only ten sen! Any buy?
Josi.Ten sen? Somebody offers ten sen. I presume dat he means ten yen? We’ll call it ten yen: de picture’s worth it.
Crier.[Without.] Only ten sen! Only ten sen!
Josi.Very well, ten sen! Going at ten sen! Going at ten sen! A picture dat ish dree hundred years old and still going strong! Now is your chance! Dish will not happen again.
Olang.Ah! ah! ah!
[At the word ‘going’ the picture comes dimly to life. In a veiled indistinctnessWiowaniis seen seated within it.Olangstisees, and lifting his hands wails despairingly. The crowd stares, stolidly amazed.
Crier.[Without.] Only ten sen! Only ten sen!
Josi.Well?... What for you shtaring at me?Iam not de picture!Dereis de picture: a beautiful picture dat shpeaks for itshelf! Arealpicture,—wid a shtory in it dat may always come true. What? Will nobody give any more? Very well. At ten sen!—for dish time only—going at ten sen! Going, going.... [He turns.] Gone!!!
[The picture vanishes.
CURTAIN.
Printed byR. & R. Clark, Limited,Edinburgh.