Augura soothsayer.Augera carpenter's tool.Allevery one.Awla shoemaker's gimblet.Haul(for the Cockneys) to pull.Halla vulgar proper name.Boara male pig.BoreMr. Creevy.Waxthe produce of Bees.Whacksthumps on the head or body
and so on.
In the next place, all the following travelling puns are strictly prohibited:—
All allusions upon entering a town to thepoundand thestocks—knowing a man by his gait and not liking hisstyle—calling a tall turnpike-keeper a colossus ofroads—paying the post-boys charges ofwaysand means—seeing nosignof aninn—or, replying, "Sir, you are out," to your friend who says he does—talking of a hedger having astakein thebank—all allusions tosunandairto a new-married couple—all stuff about villagebelles—calling the belfrya court of a peal—saying, upon two carpenters putting up paling, that they are very peaceable men to befencing ina field—all trash about "manorsmake the man," in the shooting season—and all such stuff about trees, after this fashion—"that's apop'lartree—I'll turn over a newleaf, and make mybough," etc. etc.
Puns upon field sports, such as racing being a matter ofcourse—horsesstartingwithout being shy—a good shot being fond of hisbutand hisbarrel—or saying that a man fishing deserves arodfor taking such aline; if he is sitting under abridgecalling him anarchfellow—or supposing him a nobleman because he takes his place among thepiers—or that he willcatchnothing but cold, and no fish byhookor by crook. All these are prohibited.
To talk of yellow pickles at dinner, and say the way toTurn 'em Greenis through Hammersmith—all allusions to eating men, forEtonmen, orStaineson the table-cloth—orEgg-ham, are all exploded—as are all stuff aboutMaidsandThornbacks, andPlaice—or saying to a lady who asks you to help her to the wing of a chicken, that it is a mere matter ofa pinion—all quibbles about dressinghareand cutting it—all stuff about a merry fellow being given towine—or upon helping yourself to say you have aplatonicaffection for roastbeef—or when fried fish runs short, singing to the mistress of the house, with Tom Moore,—
"Your sole, though a very sweet sole, love,Will ne'er be sufficient for me,"
"Your sole, though a very sweet sole, love,Will ne'er be sufficient for me,"
"Your sole, though a very sweet sole, love,Will ne'er be sufficient for me,"
"Your sole, though a very sweet sole, love,
Will ne'er be sufficient for me,"
are entirely banished.
At the play-house never talk of being aPittitebecause you happen not to be in the boxes—never observe what aKeaneye one actor has, or that another can never grow old because he must always beYoung—never talk of the uncertainty ofMundaneaffairs in a farce, or observe howTerryblywell a man plays Mr. Simpson—banish from your mind the possibility of saying the Covent Garden manager has put his bestFootforward, or that you should like to go toChesterfor a day or two—or that you would give the world to be tied to aTree—or that Mr.Make readyis a presentable actor—all such stuff is interdicted.
In speaking of Parliament, forget Broom and Birch, Wood and Cole, Scarlett and White, Lamb and the Leakes, the Hares and the Herons, the Cootes and the Cruins—such jumbles will lead into great difficulties, and invariably end, without infinite caution, in an observation, that the conduct of that House is always regulated by the best possibleManners.
There are some temptations very difficult to avoid—for instance, last Saturday we saw gazetted, as a bankrupt, "Sir John Lade, Cornhill, watchmaker!" Now this, we confess, was a provocation hard of resistance—when one sees aladof sixty-fourset uponly tobreak down, and perceives that whatever he may do withwatches, he could not make acasebefore the Insolvent Debtors' Court; and moreover, since his taking to watchmaking arose from his having, in thespringof life, gone upontick, and that the circumstance may be considered as astrikinginstance of abad wind-up—we admit that in the hands of a young beginner such a thing is quite irresistible, but such temptations should be avoided as much as possible.
We have not room to set down all the prohibited puns extant; but we have just shown that the things which one hears, when one dines in the City (where men eat peas with a two-pronged fork, and bet hats with each other), as novelties, and the perfection of good fun, are all flat, stale, and unprofitable to those who have lived a little longer and seen a little more of the world, and have heard puns when it was the fashion to commit them at the west end of the town.
These hints are thrown out for the particular use of some sprightly persons, with whose facetiousness we have been of late extremely pestered—we apologise to our rational readers for the insertion of such stuff, even by way of surfeit to our quibbling patients.
CAUTIONARY VERSES TO YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES.[56]
My readers may know that to all the editions of Entick's Dictionary, commonly used in schools, there is prefixed "A table of words that are alike, or nearly alike, in sound, but different in spelling and signification." It must be evident that this table is neither more nor less than an early provocation to punning; the whole mystery of which vain art consists in the use of words, the sound and sense of which are at variance. In order, if possible, to check any disposition to punning in youth, which may be fostered by this manual, I have thrown together the following adaptation of Entick's hints to young beginners, hoping thereby to afford a warning, and exhibit a deformity to be avoided, rather than an example to be followed; and at the same time showing the caution children should observe in using words which have more than one meaning.
"My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shunThat very silly thing indeed which people call a pun:Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offenceIt is, to make the self-same sound afford a double sense."For instance,alemay make youail, yourauntanantmay kill,You in avalemay buy aveil, andBillmay pay thebill.Or if to France yourbarkyou steer, at Dover, it may be,Apeer appearsupon thepier, who, blind, still goes tosea."Thus one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,'Tismeetthat men whomeetto eat should eat theirmeatwhen meeting.Brawn on the board's noboreindeed, although fromboarprepared;Nor can thefowl, on which we feed,foulfeeding be declared."Thusoneripe fruit may be apear, and yet beparedagain,And still beone, which seemeth rare until we do explain.It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care:For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallowhair?"A fat man'sgaitmay make us smile, who has nogateto close:The farmer sitting on hisstylenostylishperson knows:Perfumers men ofscentsmust be; someScillymen are bright;Abrownman oft deepreadwe see, ablacka wickedwight."Most wealthy men goodmanorshave, however vulgar they;And actors still the harder slave, the oftener theyplay:So poets can't thebaizeobtain, unless their tailors choose;While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek theMews."Thedyerwho bydyinglives, adirelife maintains;The glazier, it is known, receives—his profits from hispanes:By gardenersthymeistied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;Buttimeortidewon't wait for you, if you aretiedfortime."Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.The fault admits of no defence; for wheresoe'er 'tis found,You sacrifice thesoundforsense: the sense is neversound."So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove,And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love:In mirth and play no harm you'll know, when duty's task is done;But parents ne'er should let ye go unpunish'd for apun!"
"My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shunThat very silly thing indeed which people call a pun:Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offenceIt is, to make the self-same sound afford a double sense."For instance,alemay make youail, yourauntanantmay kill,You in avalemay buy aveil, andBillmay pay thebill.Or if to France yourbarkyou steer, at Dover, it may be,Apeer appearsupon thepier, who, blind, still goes tosea."Thus one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,'Tismeetthat men whomeetto eat should eat theirmeatwhen meeting.Brawn on the board's noboreindeed, although fromboarprepared;Nor can thefowl, on which we feed,foulfeeding be declared."Thusoneripe fruit may be apear, and yet beparedagain,And still beone, which seemeth rare until we do explain.It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care:For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallowhair?"A fat man'sgaitmay make us smile, who has nogateto close:The farmer sitting on hisstylenostylishperson knows:Perfumers men ofscentsmust be; someScillymen are bright;Abrownman oft deepreadwe see, ablacka wickedwight."Most wealthy men goodmanorshave, however vulgar they;And actors still the harder slave, the oftener theyplay:So poets can't thebaizeobtain, unless their tailors choose;While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek theMews."Thedyerwho bydyinglives, adirelife maintains;The glazier, it is known, receives—his profits from hispanes:By gardenersthymeistied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;Buttimeortidewon't wait for you, if you aretiedfortime."Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.The fault admits of no defence; for wheresoe'er 'tis found,You sacrifice thesoundforsense: the sense is neversound."So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove,And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love:In mirth and play no harm you'll know, when duty's task is done;But parents ne'er should let ye go unpunish'd for apun!"
"My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shunThat very silly thing indeed which people call a pun:Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offenceIt is, to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.
"My little dears, who learn to read, pray early learn to shun
That very silly thing indeed which people call a pun:
Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found how simple an offence
It is, to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.
"For instance,alemay make youail, yourauntanantmay kill,You in avalemay buy aveil, andBillmay pay thebill.Or if to France yourbarkyou steer, at Dover, it may be,Apeer appearsupon thepier, who, blind, still goes tosea.
"For instance,alemay make youail, yourauntanantmay kill,
You in avalemay buy aveil, andBillmay pay thebill.
Or if to France yourbarkyou steer, at Dover, it may be,
Apeer appearsupon thepier, who, blind, still goes tosea.
"Thus one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,'Tismeetthat men whomeetto eat should eat theirmeatwhen meeting.Brawn on the board's noboreindeed, although fromboarprepared;Nor can thefowl, on which we feed,foulfeeding be declared.
"Thus one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,
'Tismeetthat men whomeetto eat should eat theirmeatwhen meeting.
Brawn on the board's noboreindeed, although fromboarprepared;
Nor can thefowl, on which we feed,foulfeeding be declared.
"Thusoneripe fruit may be apear, and yet beparedagain,And still beone, which seemeth rare until we do explain.It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care:For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallowhair?
"Thusoneripe fruit may be apear, and yet beparedagain,
And still beone, which seemeth rare until we do explain.
It therefore should be all your aim to speak with ample care:
For who, however fond of game, would choose to swallowhair?
"A fat man'sgaitmay make us smile, who has nogateto close:The farmer sitting on hisstylenostylishperson knows:Perfumers men ofscentsmust be; someScillymen are bright;Abrownman oft deepreadwe see, ablacka wickedwight.
"A fat man'sgaitmay make us smile, who has nogateto close:
The farmer sitting on hisstylenostylishperson knows:
Perfumers men ofscentsmust be; someScillymen are bright;
Abrownman oft deepreadwe see, ablacka wickedwight.
"Most wealthy men goodmanorshave, however vulgar they;And actors still the harder slave, the oftener theyplay:So poets can't thebaizeobtain, unless their tailors choose;While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek theMews.
"Most wealthy men goodmanorshave, however vulgar they;
And actors still the harder slave, the oftener theyplay:
So poets can't thebaizeobtain, unless their tailors choose;
While grooms and coachmen, not in vain, each evening seek theMews.
"Thedyerwho bydyinglives, adirelife maintains;The glazier, it is known, receives—his profits from hispanes:By gardenersthymeistied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;Buttimeortidewon't wait for you, if you aretiedfortime.
"Thedyerwho bydyinglives, adirelife maintains;
The glazier, it is known, receives—his profits from hispanes:
By gardenersthymeistied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;
Buttimeortidewon't wait for you, if you aretiedfortime.
"Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.The fault admits of no defence; for wheresoe'er 'tis found,You sacrifice thesoundforsense: the sense is neversound.
"Then now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;
A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.
The fault admits of no defence; for wheresoe'er 'tis found,
You sacrifice thesoundforsense: the sense is neversound.
"So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove,And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love:In mirth and play no harm you'll know, when duty's task is done;But parents ne'er should let ye go unpunish'd for apun!"
"So let your words and actions too, one single meaning prove,
And, just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love:
In mirth and play no harm you'll know, when duty's task is done;
But parents ne'er should let ye go unpunish'd for apun!"
The season of festivities is arrived—the balmy breath of Spring has called the dormant vegetation into life—the flowers are bursting from their buds, the blossoms hang on every tree—the birds sing melodiously, and the sun shines brightly over the fresh foliage; in consequence of the completion of which arrangements, everybody is coming to London, in order to take the dust in the Parks, or pace the burning pavement in the streets. Such is the order of things, and shady groves and cooling grots are abandoned for drawing rooms at ninety-six, and half-a-score sickly orange-trees tubbed on the top of a staircase.
Thursday last was a fruitful day in the annals of our town. Lord Dudley had a grand dinner—so had the Bishop of London—so had Lady Sykes—so had Mrs. Bethel, and so had half a score of the leaders of Ton. The Society for the Relief of Foreigners in Distress (to which his Royal Highness Don Miguel borrowed fifty pounds of Lord Dudley to subscribe) had their anniversary feast at the City of London Tavern; and the Chimney Sweepers of the metropolis held theirs—contrast is every thing—at the White Conduit House!
This last was amongst the most elegant affairs of the season—every thing which could possibly have reference to the profession was interdicted; black puddings and black strap were banished; and when the amiable and excellent Mr. Duck, after doing what few Ducks can do (we mean stuffing himself with sage and onions), called attention to Non nobis Domine—sung, the newspapers say, "by some professional vocalists"—the grace was received by the fraternity withsootableattention; that they did not exactly understand it, Mr. Duck said was a misfortune, not a fault;but as he could almost see from the windows the chimneys—(loud cries of Order interrupted the speaker)—the roof, he meant, of that noble pile, the London University, he did hope that before many years had gone over their heads, he should find the younger branches of the profession to which he had the honour to belong, bringing the dead languages to life, and conversingflue-ntly—(Order, order!)—he meant easily, in Latin and Greek."
"The immortal memory of Marshal Saxe and Sir Cloudesly Shovel," were then given by Mr. Figgins, and were shortly followed by the health of Mr. Brougham, who was expected to have favoured the party with his presence, but he was unable to get away from the House of Commons.
Mr. Duck felt it necessary to rise, in order to endeavour to do away with an impression which had got abroad, that the gentlemen of the profession disliked the introduction of machines to supersede the necessity of climbing-boys—he repelled the insinuation, although, added the Honourable Gentleman, "if machines had been invented in my time, I, perhaps, should not have had the honour of being here, for I began at the bottom of the chimney and climbed my way to the very top"—(loud cheers). "I dare say, gentlemen," said Mr. Duck, "you have heard the story of the humane man who proposed to supersede the necessity of climbing-boys by letting a goose down the chimney by a string, which would, by the fluttering of its wings, effectually clean the whole flue—the lady to whom he proposed this plan replied that she thought it would be very cruel treatment of the goose. 'Lord love your eyes, Ma'am,' said the professor, 'if so be as you are particular about the goose, a couple of ducks will do as well!'—and, gentlemen, I never hear that professional anecdote but I think of myself when I was but a duckling, as I may say, and the laudable ambition into which I climbed and climbed, and rose, as I may say, like a phonix out of the hashes, until I reached my grand climacteric."
Mr. Duck sat down amidst shouts of applause.
In the Old Times of yesterday we find the following report of some part of the entertainment, which we were unfortunate enough to miss—we take the liberty of borrowing it:
"Mr. Watson said that he was present, a few evenings since, at a Lecture delivered by Dr. Birkbeck, on the utility of the machine to supersede the necessity of the climbing-boy. The Doctor, he admitted, argued candidly and fairly on the subject, and produced an improvement in Glass's machine, which was unquestionably the best invention of the kind; yet, with all its perfections, he (Mr. Watson) was convinced that it would never answer the expectations of those who entertained such a favourable opinion of its efficacy in cleansing chimnies. In the course of the lecture the Doctor said that the machine must succeed in all cases where it is used, if the prejudices of the master chimney-sweepers did not interfere with the trial. It was true that the machine so eloquently eulogized by the Doctor would answer in cleansing perpendicular chimnies, but where there were impediments from various causes, no machine, however pliable, would overcome them."Several master chimney-sweepers addressed the chair in the course of the afternoon. One of them commenced 'I'm blowed, but if we had Dr. Bucbuck, or whatever you may call him, here at our dinner, I think we should soon make a conwert of him to our opinions. Gemmen, I say it is impossible that ere chimney (pointing to the chimney in the room) can be swept unless one of us goes up it; and I'll give you a proof of it now.' The speaker here began to doff his long coat, and would have run up the chimney in earnest, had he not been prevented by some of his brother tradesmen, who caught hold of him by the legs just as his body was about disappearing from the company. When he alighted on the floor, he said that he did not mind a fig getting a sooty shirt, so that he succeeded in showing the strangers present, how little danger was to be apprehended in doing the work as it should be done, and that was by encouraging climbing-boys. He had ascended upwards of 5,000 chimnies in his life, of all sorts and sizes, and never yet met with an accident."
"Mr. Watson said that he was present, a few evenings since, at a Lecture delivered by Dr. Birkbeck, on the utility of the machine to supersede the necessity of the climbing-boy. The Doctor, he admitted, argued candidly and fairly on the subject, and produced an improvement in Glass's machine, which was unquestionably the best invention of the kind; yet, with all its perfections, he (Mr. Watson) was convinced that it would never answer the expectations of those who entertained such a favourable opinion of its efficacy in cleansing chimnies. In the course of the lecture the Doctor said that the machine must succeed in all cases where it is used, if the prejudices of the master chimney-sweepers did not interfere with the trial. It was true that the machine so eloquently eulogized by the Doctor would answer in cleansing perpendicular chimnies, but where there were impediments from various causes, no machine, however pliable, would overcome them.
"Several master chimney-sweepers addressed the chair in the course of the afternoon. One of them commenced 'I'm blowed, but if we had Dr. Bucbuck, or whatever you may call him, here at our dinner, I think we should soon make a conwert of him to our opinions. Gemmen, I say it is impossible that ere chimney (pointing to the chimney in the room) can be swept unless one of us goes up it; and I'll give you a proof of it now.' The speaker here began to doff his long coat, and would have run up the chimney in earnest, had he not been prevented by some of his brother tradesmen, who caught hold of him by the legs just as his body was about disappearing from the company. When he alighted on the floor, he said that he did not mind a fig getting a sooty shirt, so that he succeeded in showing the strangers present, how little danger was to be apprehended in doing the work as it should be done, and that was by encouraging climbing-boys. He had ascended upwards of 5,000 chimnies in his life, of all sorts and sizes, and never yet met with an accident."
"Archdeacon Pott and the Clargy of Middlesex," were then given.
Mr. Duck then rose and said, "Gentlemen—we all of us have known what it is to climb; and as my honourable friend on the left says—I may say I have been up fivethousand chimnies, long and short, and never failed in doing my duty to my employers—but what was it repaid me for my toil—what was it that cheered me in my labour—the sixpence as I got when I kimm'd down?—or the bread and cheese the kitchen-maid would give me afore I went out?—No, sir; it was not that—no—neither the one nor the other;—it was the smile of ooman—lovely ooman, which rules us all;—in her favour there is indeed a sweeping-clause; and I have the pleasure to tell you, that there is a splendid assembly of the dear creechurs a waiting in the next room, ready to trip it on their fantastic toeses—so, if you please, gemmen, we'll wind up the arternoon, by drinking—'Success to the brush and shovel all over the world'—and then join the fair."
To this proposal no possible objection could be made; and the doors being thrown open, a most splendid collection of the dear creechurs appeared ready for the quadrilles, which commenced about five. The principal dancers were—
Mr.William Duck,MissGrigson,Mr.Watson,MissHawkins,Mr.Robert Tottie,Mrs.Tom Ducks,Mr.Wilkinson.MissAnne Smith.
The refreshments were of the first quality, and the whole day passed off with the greatest hilarity.
IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT,
Anno ——.
House of Commons, Thursday, Feb. 28.
Several new Members took the oaths and their seats; amongst them we observed the Hon. Member for the Districtof Field Lane and Saffron Hill, whose entrance was greeted with huzzas, clapping of hands, and other demonstrations of joy.
PRAYERS.
Mr. Snob rose and said as how he thought it were a great waste of time to okipy the Ouse with a lot of praying—he thought that it would be quite as well and ample sufficient that every member, on entering the Ouse, should poke his face in his at and mutter a short jackerlation, sich as was done in his parish church.—(Hear.)—He never did no more when he was a churchwarden—(hear, hear)—and he always found that it answered the purpose; and he gave notice that, on Monday next, he intended to move that the present practice be done away with—(cheers).
Mr. Ketch said he would sartinly second the motion whenever it came before the Ouse.
WAYS AND MEANS.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer intimated that on the 22nd of next month he should be prepared to submit his plan of Ways and Means for the year. He could not then, with propriety, enter into details—he would merely state that it was in contemplation to repeal most of the existing taxes (cheers from all sides), and this object would be easily attained by suspending for the present the payment of the interest on the funded debt—(immense cheering)—by the sale of several supernumerary ships of war, and the materials of some of the dockyards.—(Hear, hear.)—He anticipated also a considerable sum from the disposal of superfluous military equipments, cannon, &c., which it would be the height of folly to retain in these "piping times of peace;" it would follow of course that very extensive reductions would take place in the military establishments—(cheers)—allpensions will forthwith be abolished—(Long-continued cheering).—He laid particular stress upon the wordall,in order that there might be "no mistake"—(a laugh)—and, although there might be an apparent hardship in some few cases, yet his Majesty's ministers had wisely resolved not to incur censure from any person or party by using even the semblance of partiality.—(Cheering, which lasted several minutes.)
A Member, whose name we could not learn, rose, and in the exuberance of his joy exclaimed, "Blow my wig if ever I heard such a speech in all my life."—("Order! Order!")
The Speaker begged to remind the Hon. Gentleman that such expressions were notstrictlyin accordance with the dignity of the House.
The Member apologized for having been led away by his feelings, but this he would say, that whoever should now venture to assert that His Majesty's Ministers had any other than the benefit of their country in view, told a thundering lie.—(Loud laughter.)
Mr. Gubbins said that he wholly and totally agreed with the G'elman what spoke last—he thought that the thanks of the community and the country at large are due to the Right Hon. G'elman (the Chanciller) for his expozee; and in order that their ancestors might see—(a laugh)—he begged pardon, their posteriors—(roars of laughter)—well then, their children's children and them as comes arter them, might see the estimation in which that House had held him, he would move that its freedom be presented to him in a snuff-box of the value of five sovs., and he would subscribe his bob.—(Cheers, and some laughter.)
The Speaker interposed, and endeavoured to explain to the Hon. Member that there was no such thing as freedom in that House, consequently his motion could not be put.
Mr. Gubbins said he supposed it would be unreglar to argufy that pint with the Right Hon. Speaker, he would therefore bow to the Cheer; he would not however be done out of doing nothing, and with reference to the place represented by the Right Hon. G'elman the Chanciller, he would propose to bestow upon him the title of "The BermondseyScrew."—(Laughter.)
(Asallour readers may not understand the point of this pun, we should explain that in the Clink liberty, represented by the Right Hon. G'elman the Game of Skittles is a favourite amusement, and some of the Amateurs have a particular mode of delivering the Bowl, which amongst the cognoscenti is termed "A Bermondsey Screw.")
NEW SOUTH WALES.
Mr. Cobbett having given notice, that on Thursday next he should bring forward his motion (postponed on a previous occasion) for a Committee of that House being appointed, with instructions to proceed to New South Wales, for the purpose of enquiring into the Administration of Religion in that Colony,—
Mr. Lagg rose, apparently under great excitement, and said that he could never consent that such a preposterous motion should be entertained by that House even for a moment. Was the Honourable Gentleman aware of the privations and hardships which the Members of such a Committee would have to undergo? He thought not—for himself, he would say, that he had been a resident in the neighbourhood of Sidney during the greater part of Fourteen Years—(hear, hear)—"and," said the Hon. Gentleman, with much emotion, "I will never willingly consent to go there again, or recommend such a voyage to any of my friends." He said he saw several Honourable Gentlemen around him, whom he knew had been there as well as himself, and, judging from his own feelings, he was quite assured they would bear him out in his opposition.
Mr. Cobbett said, that under these circumstances he should ask leave to withdraw his motion. (Leave given instanter.)
NEW POLICE.
Petitions were presented from several parishes in the outskirts, against the system of Police introduced by a late Administration.
Several Members having risen at the same time to recommend the attention of the House to these petitions, and all asserting, with much vociferation, their right of priority, the Speaker was obliged to interpose and call on Mr. Bumpus.
Mr. Bumpus said he thought there could be but one opinion on the subject of this system, and that was, the sooner it was abolished the better—(hear, hear,)—he said that it required no oration to shew its baneful and unconstitutional character; he thought he could not better exemplify its true character than in using the words of a very intelligent and interesting youth, the son of a tailor-chandler, who was one of the officers of the parish in which he (Mr. Bumpus) resided. "Addressing me" (said the Honourable Gentleman) "you must understand, Gentlemen, this youth lisps very much, these were his very words, says he, Thir, says he, it is a miltuthy thythtem to thupport a arbituthy Government."—(Tumultuous cheering.)
During the Hon. Gentleman's speech much mirth was excited by the waggery of one of the members whom the Hon. Gentleman had superseded. At every pause, the Hon. Member exclaimed, "What a shocking bad hat!" &c., &c.
NEW WRIT.
On the motion of an Honourable Member a new writ was ordered for the district of Golden-lane, in the room of Nicholas Briggs, Esq., deceased—(see our Execution Report of Thursday last). The same Member also followed up his motion by a notice that previously to the next Old Bailey Sessions he should move that the laws affecting life in cases of burglary should be revised with a view to their repeal.
POST-OFFICE.—FRANKS.
Mr. Pott said he had a motion to submit to the House, to which, from previous communication with many Honourable Gentlemen, he did not expect any opposition. Every Honourable Member, he was assured, had already found the advantage arising from the privilege of franking letters, and, he was quite certain, had often experienced considerable annoyance from the very limited number to which they were at present restricted—(Hear, hear)—as well as the great bore of being obliged to write the whole direction. He could not conceive for a moment why they should be limited to sending and receiving in the whole, the paltry number of twenty-five letters each day—(Hear)—and that the weight of each of such letters should be restricted to a particle under an ounce. Some of the public officers, and, be it observed, men virtually appointed by that House, were privileged to send letters free of postage, without limitation as to weight or number "and yet we, who, as I said before, appointed those officers, are trammelled!—monstrous anomaly!" He would not attempt to conceal that in bringing forward the motion he would presently submit to the House, he thought it probable that its adoption might be attended with individual benefit to some of the Members, and himself amongst the rest—he would deal candidly with the House—he fully expected it would—(Bravo!)—and he thought it but reasonable that men who were obliged to sacrifice their time and their health for the good of the country ought to have some ostensible means of repaying themselves—(Hear, hear)—besides those bye-blows which occasionally more or less occurred:this, he had every reason to believe, would prove a positive benefit; and still better—it would not depend on contingencies.—(Cheers.)—He would not further detain the House, but would move, "That the law or rule of the House (he did not care which it was) which at present allowed Members of Parliament to send alimited number of letters free of postage, should forthwith be rescinded, and that hereafter they should have the privilege of sending as many as they may choose, without restriction as to weight or number; and further, that it shall be sufficient that members thus privileged should only be required to affix their signatures to the address,"—(Much cheering.)
Mr. Bowditch said he should certainly oppose the motion, even though he should stand alone. He, as principal officer of the Post-office, had devoted the greater part of a long life in endeavouring to perfect the details of the business of that establishment, and at the same time to increase its productiveness, and he viewed with dismay the attempt now about to be made to render his exertions a nullity; independent of the loss which the revenue would sustain, the mail coaches were even now almost insufficient to convey the bags, and the increased weight and bulk which the measure now proposed would give, would render the thing perfectly impracticable. He said he would not venture to characterize the system at present practised by many of the Members of that House in this particular, but when he saw the immediate and eager use which certain newly-elected, reforming, patriotic Members, made of this privilege for filthy lucre—(groans)—he was filled with disgust.—(Great uproar.) The Honourable Gentleman proceeded with much earnestness for a considerable time, but the noise and confusion was such, that we could only here and there catch a solitary word—we understood him, however, to make some allusion to "pattern cards," "samples of grocery," &c. but could not catch the context. Order being at length restored, the Honourable Gentleman concluded by moving, as an amendment, "That in future, Members of Parliament should only be allowed to send five letters, and receive the same number each day, free of postage, and that the weight of each of such letters should not exceed half an ounce."—(Yells of disapprobation.)
Mr. Van said that the objection of the Honourable Secretaryof the Post-office was perfectly ridiculous, as regarded the probable insufficiency of the mail coaches; he would ask, Would it not be an easy matter to alter the system of coaches, and in their place adopt that of steam conveyance? The number of railways with which the whole country was now about to be intersected would render such alteration a matter of the greatest ease, and one steam carriage would be able to perform the work of a dozen mail coaches. (Hear, hear, hear.)
The Chancellor of the Exchequer was quite taken by surprise, and said, that although he could not sanction the proposed measure, he clearly saw that in the present temper of the House, opposition would be fruitless; he could, however, have wished the hon. gentleman had communicated his intentions to him before bringing his motion before the House—the very lucrative situation of Receiver-General of the Post-office Revenue had within these few days become vacant, and he thought that had he been consulted, he could have placed this subject in so feeling a point of view to the hon. gentleman, as might have caused the present motion to have been withheld.
Mr. Pott rose immediately, and said he thought it very probable that he had taken an erroneous view of the subject, and, with the leave of the House, would withdraw his motion. (Cries of "No, no! divide, divide!") The gallery was then cleared, and on a division the numbers appeared—
For the amendment, 3; against it, 296—minority, 293.For the original motion, 296; against it, 3—majority, 293.
This announcement was received with loud cheers, and evidently to the great discomposure of the hon. mover.
On our re-admission, symptoms of a desire to adjourn having manifested themselves,
Mr. Spriggins rose and said that, although there was anevident inclination to toddle, he could not allow the House to mizzle without putting in his spoke. He would stick to the present Ministry like bricks and mortar. The Chancellor of the Exchequer had proved himself a reg'lar out-and-outer; he and his colleagues had shown they were down as a hammer, and he had no doubt, in a short time, everything would be right as a trivet.
The House rose at an early hour, it being understood that one of the members had some heavy bets depending on a match of bumble-puppy, in which he had backed his apprentice, and which came off that afternoon in the neighbourhood of Bethnal Green.
There have recently been published several very edifying works upon "Etiquette," and the mode of behaving well in company. As no book touching the conduct of Club society has yet appeared, and this is the season of the year at which those admirable institutions are making weekly acquisitions in the shape of new members, we have thought it might be neither superfluous nor disagreeable to give the recently admitted candidates a few leading rules for their behaviour, in the way of directions—Thus,
In the first place, find fault with everything, and bully the waiters. What do you pay your subscriptions for, but to secure that privilege? Abuse the Committee for mismanagement, until you get into it yourself—then abuse everybody else.
Never shut the door of any room into which you may go, or out of which you may come.
When the evening papers arrive, pounce upon three; keep one in your hand reading, another under your arm, ready torelieve that; and sit down upon a third. By this means you possess yourself of the opinions of all parties, without being influenced by any one.
If you wish to dine early and cheap, order some cold meat just before three o'clock—it will then be charged as luncheon; bread, pickles, &c., gratis. Drink table-beer, because, as the Scotch gentleman said of something very different, "It is vary pleasant, and costs nothing."
If you dine on the joint, get it first, and cut all the best parts off, and help yourself to twice as much as you want, for fear you should never see it again.
If you are inclined to read the newspaper when you have finished your meat, make use of the cheese as a reading-desk; it is very convenient, and, moreover, makes the paper smell of the cheese, and the cheese taste of the paper.
If you come in, and see a man whom you know dining quietly by himself, or two men dining sociably together, draw your chair to their table and volunteer to join them. This they cannot well refuse, although they may wish you at Old Scratch. Then call for the bill of fare and order your dinner, which, as the others had half done before your arrival, will not be served till they have quite finished theirs. This will enable them to enjoy the gratification of seeing you proceed through the whole of your meal, from soup to cheese inclusive, while they are eating their fruit and sipping their wine.
If you drink tea, call for a "cup" of tea; when the waiter has brought it, abuse him for its being too strong, and desire him to fetch an empty cup and a small jug of boiling water; then divide the tea into the two cups and fill up both with the water. By this method you get two cups of tea for the price of one. N.B.—The milk and sugar not charged for.
If you are a literary man, always write your books at the club—pen, ink, and paper, gratis; a circumstance which of itself is likely to make your productions profitable.
When there is a ballot, blackball everybody you do nothappen to know. If a candidate is not one of your own personal acquaintance, he cannot be fit to come there.
If you are interested about a friend, post yourself directly in front of his balloting box, and pester everybody, whether you know them or not, to give him a vote; this, if pertinaciously adhered to, will invariably settle his fate, one way or the other.
Always walk about the coffee-room with your hat on, to show your own independence, and your respect for the numerous noblemen and gentlemen who are sitting at dinner without theirs.
When you are alone in any of the rooms where writing materials are deposited, help yourself to covers, note-paper, sealing-wax, and black-lead pencils at discretion; they are as much yours as any other member's, and as you contribute to pay for them, what difference can it make whether you use them at the club or at home?
When you go away, if it is a wet night, and you are without a cloak or great-coat, take the first that fits you; you can send it back in the morning when it is fine: remember you do. This rule applies equally to umbrellas.
Never pay your subscription till the very last day fixed by the regulations; why should the trustees get the interest of your money for two or three months? Besides, when strangers come in to see the house, they will find your name over the fire-place, which will show that you belong to the Club.
An observance of these general rules, with a little attention to a few minor points, which it is scarcely possible to allude to more particularly here, will render you a most agreeable member of the Society to which you belong, and which it will be right to denounce everywhere else as the most execrable hole in London, in which you can get nothing fit either to eat or drink, but in which you, yourself, nevertheless, breakfast, dine, and sup every day, when you are not otherwise engaged.
Sadrgov, April 3, 18—.
Deer Richud,—I receved yewer kind leather on Fryday, wich fond me in good helth, but not spirts,—for sins yew went a whay i have encresed my sise hand teers. Yew was kindust off the kind, and i cud have wukked has kitching-mad frum marwn to nite if yew had note gon; but sins yew want away iviry think sims to go rong. Muster Fishir, wich is, ginrilly speking, has gemmunly a Cock as is, scalds me iviry day for nott beasting the jints; hand Missus Stoak says I pays no manor of respict to her for nott gitting their diners better dun, wich I bleve, Richud, his owen to yewer habsence. If I thote all wot yew sed was sinsear hand yew ment it, i wud give wharning hand go hat my munt; but praps, deer Richud, yew whas only roging me, wich wud be onkind and crule. Tommus Wite is halways laffing hat me about yew, hand says I ham a grate fowl hif I wait for yew, for yew ment nuthink, and says it is eye tim i was marred, wich he wood willinly do imself; but I says, no, Tommus, i likes yew well enuff, but as long has Richud Turner sticks to is bargin, i ham is, hand is aloan.
Wat i rites now for, his to hask yew wat yew wood lick me two do. My muther, i know, cud meerly furnish a rome for hus, and pot in a Tabbel and chares and a chest of drarers, hand a Bedd, wich is the most hessensheal hof hall; hand wood be quite haggreable to the mach; hand hif we cood bitter hourselfs buy aving a frunt where we cood sell Hoysters hand srimps, hand red Earrings, and sich lick, hin winter; hand Soddy wattur, hand Pop, hand them kind of harticles, hin summer; i might tunn a peny wile yew wos hin playse, hif yew Kontinewd hin survice, hand hif not, do togither in bisness; wich wud save me from brileing my fayse hin the rosting hand beasting, wich i most do till I leave, or get acocks playse in a smal famly. I know that Martha, the fot kitching-mad hat Sur Kristuffer Kaddingtuns, kept cumpny halong with won of the futmun; hand she was marred, hand they sot up a Tomhandjery shop, hand is reelizing a furtun; but i shud object to a Tomhandjery shop because of the low confersation wich gose hon hin sich playses, has well has the smel of the Pips, wych makes me sike.
HOOK'S PLAY WITH MULREADY'S ENVELOPE.The envelope is addressed by Hook to his good friend Mr. Broderip, the magistrate. The reader will observe the liberties taken with the artist's design upon comparing it with asimilar envelopein another part of this work.
The envelope is addressed by Hook to his good friend Mr. Broderip, the magistrate. The reader will observe the liberties taken with the artist's design upon comparing it with asimilar envelopein another part of this work.
The envelope is addressed by Hook to his good friend Mr. Broderip, the magistrate. The reader will observe the liberties taken with the artist's design upon comparing it with asimilar envelopein another part of this work.
Deer Richud, i ham wiling to do hany thing for yew, hand wuk day and night upon my ands hand neese to make yew comfurtable, hand i think we cud be very appy, but do not make a fowl hof me now, hand i will truss yew half my life; hand my Muther his a woman well to doo, hand wen it pleses Purvidence to tack her up hout of this wuld will leve us sumthing for a raney day, which wud be a grate cumfut to me, appen wen it may.
i pot this hin a buskett, hand have sent yew three fools and a small Sammon cott this mawning, for yewer Sister Lizy, wich altho i never seed hur i ham very fond hof from yewer subscription on her,—hif she will haxcept the triffles i shal be plesed, hand my love; hand wen yew are a heating the fools, do nott forget her wich sent them.
Hif yew lick, yew can call on muther, wich is the darey at the korner of Jon street, and tawk maters over with hur. i am tird hof life down here without yew. i hope yew will get this safe. I have got Tommus Wite to rite the redress, not honely because he rites a good and, but to show im thatt we hare frends.
do let me here from yew; and with true love and french-ship, in wich yewer sister his inklewded, beleve me, deer Richud,
Yewers internally,
Rachael Stubbs.
i ave pade the Courage hand Bucking.
(Births, Deaths, and Marriages, 1839.)
The poetry of Mr. Minus could be compared to nothing but the dropping of honey upon rose leaves, or the fluttering of moths round the smoke of cinnamon;—it was so flippant, so sweet, and so trifling. He had a round of set rhymes and ideas, which, like the man who walked out in the morning in a dress of crimson and gold, because he had no other, he perpetually was using; such as
"Coral lips and rolling eyes,Roguish leers and heaving sighs,Lily bosoms, seeking kisses,Silent sighs for secret blisses;"
"Coral lips and rolling eyes,Roguish leers and heaving sighs,Lily bosoms, seeking kisses,Silent sighs for secret blisses;"
"Coral lips and rolling eyes,Roguish leers and heaving sighs,Lily bosoms, seeking kisses,Silent sighs for secret blisses;"
"Coral lips and rolling eyes,
Roguish leers and heaving sighs,
Lily bosoms, seeking kisses,
Silent sighs for secret blisses;"
which species of versification having displayedal frescoafter dinner in lines "To a Mole upon Fanny's left knee;" "A sonnet to half a jasamine flower;" "An ode to the wing of a butterfly," and "An Epithalamium on the marriage of two humming birds," (all of which were written, sung, composed, and recited by himself) he obligingly sat down to the piano-forte on their return, and gave the following air with infinite effect:
Fanny's Bower.[60]