When we had got ready to set out hither, the Moon metus, and commanded us first to greet the Athenians andtheir allies; and then declared that she was angry, forthat she had suffered dreadful things, though shebenefits you all, not in words, but openly. In the firstplace, not less than a drachma every month for torches;so that also all, when they went out of an evening, werewont to say, "Boy, don't buy a torch, for the moonlightis beautiful." And she says she confers other benefitson you, but that you do not observe the days at allcorrectly, but confuse them up and down; so that shesays the gods are constantly threatening her, when theyare defrauded of their dinner, and depart home, nothaving met with the regular feast according to thenumber of the days. And then, when you ought to besacrificing, you are inflicting tortures and litigating.And often, while we gods are observing a fast, when wemourn for Memnon or Sarpedon, you are pouring libationsand laughing. For which reason Hyperbolus, havingobtained the lot this year to be Hieromnemon, wasafterward deprived by us gods of his crown; for thus hewill know better that he ought to spend the days of hislife according to the Moon.[Enter Socrates]Soc. By Respiration, and Chaos, and Air, I have not seenany man so boorish, nor so impracticable, nor so stupid,nor so forgetful; who, while learning some little pettyquibbles, forgets them before he has learned them.Nevertheless I will certainly call him out here to thelight. Where is Strepsiades? Come forth with your couch.Strep. (from within). The bugs do not permit me to bringit forth.Soc. Make haste and lay it down; and give me yourattention.[Enter Strepsiades]Strep. Very well.Soc. Come now; what do you now wish to learn first ofthose things in none of which you have ever beeninstructed? Tell me. About measures, or rhythms, orverses?Strep. I should prefer to learn about measures; for itis but lately I was cheated out of two choenices by ameal-huckster.Soc. I do not ask you this, but which you account themost beautiful measure; the trimetre or the tetrameter?Strep. Make a wager then with me, if the semisextariusbe not a tetrameter.Soc. Go to the devil! How boorish you are and dull oflearning. Perhaps you may be able to learn aboutrhythms.Strep. But what good will rhythms do me for a living?Soc. In the first place, to be clever at anentertainment, understanding what rhythm is for thewar-dance, and what, again, according to the dactyle.Strep. According to the dactyle? By Jove, but I know it!Soc. Tell me, pray.Strep. What else but this finger? Formerly, indeed, whenI was yet a boy, this here!Soc. You are boorish and stupid.Strep. For I do not desire, you wretch, to learn any ofthese things.Soc. What then?Strep. That, that, the most unjust cause.Soc. But you must learn other things before these;namely, what quadrupeds are properly masculine.Strep. I know the males, if I am not mad-krios, tragos,tauros, kuon, alektryon.Soc. Do you see what you are doing? You are calling boththe female and the male alektryon in the same way.Strep. How, pray? Come, tell me.Soc. How? The one with you is alektryon, and the otheris alektryon also.Strep. Yea, by Neptune! How now ought I to call them?Soc. The one alektryaina and the other alektor.Strep. Alektryaina? Capital, by the Air! So that, inreturn for this lesson alone, I will fill your kardoposfull of barley-meal on all sides.Soc. See! See! There again is another blunder! You makekardopos, which is feminine, to be masculine.Strep. In what way do I make kardopos masculine?Soc. Most assuredly; just as if you were to sayCleonymos.Strep. Good sir, Cleonymus had no kneading-trough, butkneaded his bread in a round mortar. How ought I to callit henceforth?Soc. How? Call it kardope, as you call Sostrate.Strep. Kardope in the feminine?Soc. For so you speak it rightly.Strep. But that would make it kardope, Kleonyme.Soc. You must learn one thing more about names, what aremasculine and what of them are feminine.Strep. I know what are female.Soc. Tell me, pray.Strep. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria.Soc. What names are masculine?Strep. Thousands; Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias.Soc. But, you wretch! These are not masculine.Strep. Are they not males with you?Soc. By no means; for how would you call Amynias, if youmet him?Strep. How would I call? Thus: "Come hither, come hitherAmynia!"Soc. Do you see? You call Amynias a woman.Strep. Is it not then with justice, who does not servein the army? But why should I learn these things, thatwe all know?Soc. It is no use, by Jupiter! Having reclined yourselfdown here—Strep. What must I do?Soc. Think out some of your own affairs.Strep. Not here, pray, I beseech you; but, if I must,suffer me to excogitate these very things on the ground.Soc. There is no other way.[Exit Socrates.]Strep. Unfortunate man that I am! What a penalty shall Ithis day pay to the bugs!Cho. Now meditate and examine closely; and roll yourselfabout in every way, having wrapped yourself up; andquickly, when you fall into a difficulty, spring toanother mental contrivance. But let delightful sleep beabsent from your eyes.Strep. Attatai! Attatai!Cho. What ails you? Why are you distressed?Strep. Wretched man, I am perishing! The Corinthians,coming out from the bed, are biting me, and devouring mysides, and drinking up my life-blood, and tearing awaymy flesh, and digging through my vitals, and willannihilate me.Cho. Do not now be very grievously distressed.Strep. Why, how, when my money is gone, my complexiongone, my life gone, and my slipper gone? And furthermorein addition to these evils, with singing thenight-watches, I am almost gone myself.[Re-enter Socrates]Soc. Ho you! What are you about? Are you not meditating?Strep. I? Yea, by Neptune!Soc. And what, pray, have you thought?Strep. Whether any bit of me will be left by the bugs.Soc. You will perish most wretchedly.Strep. But, my good friend, I have already perished.Soc. You must not give in, but must wrap yourself up;for you have to discover a device for abstracting, and ameans of cheating.[Walks up and down while Strepsiades wraps himself up inthe blankets.]Strep. Ah me! Would, pray, some one would throw over mea swindling contrivance from the sheep-skins.Soc. Come now; I will first see this fellow, what he isabout. Ho you! Are you asleep?Strep. No, by Apollo, I am not!Soc. Have you got anything?Strep. No; by Jupiter, certainly not!Soc. Nothing at all?Strep. Nothing, except what I have in my right hand.Soc. Will you not quickly cover yourself up and think ofsomething?Strep. About what? For do you tell me this, O Socrates!Soc. Do you, yourself, first find out and state what youwish.Strep. You have heard a thousand times what I wish.About the interest; so that I may pay no one.Soc. Come then, wrap yourself up, and having given yourmind play with subtilty, revolve your affairs by littleand little, rightly distinguishing and examining.Strep. Ah me, unhappy man!Soc. Keep quiet; and if you be puzzled in any one ofyour conceptions, leave it and go; and then set yourmind in motion again, and lock it up.Strep. (in great glee). O dearest little Socrates!Soc. What, old man?Strep. I have got a device for cheating them of theinterest.Soc. Exhibit it.Strep. Now tell me this, pray; if I were to purchase aThessalian witch, and draw down the moon by night, andthen shut it up, as if it were a mirror, in a roundcrest-case, and then carefully keep it—Soc. What good, pray, would this do you?Strep. What? If the moon were to rise no longeranywhere, I should not pay the interest.Soc. Why so, pray?Strep. Because the money is lent out by the month.Soc. Capital! But I will again propose to you anotherclever question. If a suit of five talents should beentered against you, tell me how you would obliterateit.Strep. How? How? I do not know but I must seek.Soc. Do not then always revolve your thoughts aboutyourself; but slack away your mind into the air, like acock-chafer tied with a thread by the foot.Strep. I have found a very clever method of getting ridof my suit, so that you yourself would acknowledge it.Soc. Of what description?Strep. Have you ever seen this stone in the chemist'sshops, the beautiful and transparent one, from whichthey kindle fire?Soc. Do you mean the burning-glass?Strep. I do. Come what would you say, pray, if I were totake this, when the clerk was entering the suit, andwere to stand at a distance, in the direction of thesun, thus, and melt out the letters of my suit?Soc. Cleverly done, by the Graces!Strep. Oh! How I am delighted, that a suit of fivetalents has been cancelled!Soc. Come now, quickly seize upon this.Strep. What?Soc. How, when engaged in a lawsuit, you could overturnthe suit, when you were about to be cast, because youhad no witnesses.Strep. Most readily and easily.Soc. Tell me, pray.Strep. Well now, I'll tell you. If, while one suit wasstill pending, before mine was called on, I were to runaway and hang myself.Soc. You talk nonsense.Strep. By the gods, would I! For no one will bringaction against me when I am dead.Soc. You talk nonsense. Begone; I can't teach you anylonger.Strep. Why so? Yea, by the gods, O Socrates!Soc. You straightaway forget whatever you learn. Forwhat now was the first thing you were taught? Tell me.Strep. Come, let me see: nay, what was the first? Whatwas the fist? Nay, what was the thing in which we kneadour flour? Ah me! What was it?Soc. Will you not pack off to the devil, you mostforgetful and most stupid old man?Strep. Ah me, what then, pray will become of me,wretched man? For I shall be utterly undone, if I do notlearn to ply the tongue. Come, O ye Clouds, give me somegood advice.Cho. We, old man, advise you, if you have a son grownup, to send him to learn in your stead.Strep. Well, I have a fine, handsome son, but he is notwilling to learn. What must I do?Cho. But do you permit him?Strep. Yes, for he is robust in body, and in goodhealth, and is come of the high-plumed dames of Coesyra.I will go for him, and if he be not willing, I willcertainly drive him from my house.[To Socrates.]Go in and wait for me a short time.[Exit]Cho. Do you perceive that you are soon to obtain thegreatest benefits through us alone of the gods? For thisman is ready to do everything that you bid him. But you,while the man is astounded and evidently elated, havingperceived it, will quickly fleece him to the best ofyour power.[Exit Socrates]For matters of this sort are somehow accustomed to turnthe other way.[Enter Strepsiades and Phidippides]Strep. By Mist, you certainly shall not stay here anylonger! But go and gnaw the columns of Megacles.Phid. My good sir, what is the matter with you, Ofather? You are not in your senses, by Olympian Jupiter!Strep. See, see, "Olympian Jupiter!" What folly! Tothink of your believing in Jupiter, as old as you are!Phid. Why, pray, did you laugh at this?Strep. Reflecting that you are a child, and haveantiquated notions. Yet, however, approach, that you mayknow more; and I will tell you a thing, by learningwhich you will be a man. But see that you do not teachthis to any one.Phid. Well, what is it?Strep. You swore now by Jupiter.Phid. I did.Strep. Seest thou, then, how good a thing is learning?There is no Jupiter, O Phidippides!Phid. Who then?Strep. Vortex reigns, having expelled Jupiter.Phid. Bah! Why do you talk foolishly?Strep. Be assured that it is so.Phid. Who says this?Strep. Socrates the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knowsthe footmarks of fleas.Phid. Have you arrived at such a pitch of frenzy thatyou believe madmen?Strep. Speak words of good omen, and say nothing bad ofclever men and wise; of whom, through frugality, noneever shaved or anointed himself, or went to a bath towash himself; while you squander my property in bathing,as if I were already dead. But go as quickly as possibleand learn instead of me.Phid. What good could any one learn from them?Strep. What, really? Whatever wisdom there is among men.And you will know yourself, how ignorant and stupid youare. But wait for me here a short time.[Runs off]Phid. Ah me! What shall I do, my father being crazed?Shall I bring him into court and convict him of lunacy,or shall I give information of his madness to thecoffin-makers?[Re-enter Strepsiades with a cock under one arm and ahen under the other]Strep. Come, let me see; what do you consider this tobe? Tell me.Phid. Alectryon.Strep. Right. And what this?Phid. Alectryon.Strep. Both the same? You are very ridiculous. Do not doso, then, for the future; but call this alektryaina, andthis one alektor.Phid. Alektryaina! Did you learn these clever things bygoing in just now to the Titans?Strep. And many others too; but whatever I learned oneach occasion I used to forget immediately, throughlength of years.Phid. Is it for this reason, pray, that you have alsolost your cloak?Strep. I have not lost it; but have studied it away.Phid. What have you made of your slippers, you foolishman?Strep. I have expended them, like Pericles, for needfulpurposes. Come, move, let us go. And then if you obeyyour father, go wrong if you like. I also know that Iformerly obeyed you, a lisping child of six years old,and bought you a go-cart at the Diasia, with the firstobolus I received from the Heliaea.Phid. You will assuredly some time at length be grievedat this.Strep. It is well done of you that you obeyed. Comehither, come hither O Socrates! Come forth, for I bringto you this son of mine, having persuaded him againsthis will.[Enter Socrates]Soc. For he is still childish, and not used to thebaskets here.Phid. You would yourself be used to them if you werehanged.Strep. A mischief take you! Do you abuse your teacher?Soc. "Were hanged" quoth 'a! How sillily he pronouncedit, and with lips wide apart! How can this youth everlearn an acquittal from a trial or a legal summons, orpersuasive refutation? And yet Hyperbolus learned thisat the cost of a talent.Strep. Never mind; teach him. He is clever by nature.Indeed, from his earliest years, when he was a littlefellow only so big, he was wont to form houses and carveships within-doors, and make little wagons of leather,and make frogs out of pomegranate-rinds, you can't thinkhow cleverly. But see that he learns those two causes;the better, whatever it may be; and the worse, which, bymaintaining what is unjust, overturns the better. If notboth, at any rate the unjust one by all means.Soc. He shall learn it himself from the two causes inperson.[Exit Socrates]Strep. I will take my departure. Remember this now, thathe is to be able to reply to all just arguments.[Exit Strepsiades and enter Just Cause and Unjust Cause]Just Cause. Come hither! Show yourself to thespectators, although being audacious.Unjust Cause. Go whither you please; for I shall farrather do for you, if I speak before a crowd.Just. You destroy me? Who are you?Unj. A cause.Just. Ay, the worse.Unj. But I conquer you, who say that you are better thanI.Just. By doing what clever trick?Unj. By discovering new contrivances.Just. For these innovations flourish by the favour ofthese silly persons.Unj. No; but wise persons.Just I will destroy you miserably.Unj. Tell me, by doing what?Just By speaking what is just.Unj. But I will overturn them by contradicting them; forI deny that justice even exists at all.Just Do you deny that it exists?Unj. For come, where is it?Just With the gods.Unj. How, then, if justice exists, has Jupiter notperished, who bound his own father?Just Bah! This profanity now is spreading! Give me abasin.Unj. You are a dotard and absurd.Just You are debauched and shameless.Unj. You have spoken roses of me.Just And a dirty lickspittle.Unj. You crown me with lilies.Just And a parricide.Unj. You don't know that you are sprinkling me withgold.Just Certainly not so formerly, but with lead.Unj. But now this is an ornament to me.Just You are very impudent.Unj. And you are antiquated.Just And through you, no one of our youths is willing togo to school; and you will be found out some time orother by the Athenians, what sort of doctrines you teachthe simple-minded.Unj. You are shamefully squalid.Just And you are prosperous. And yet formerly you were abeggar saying that you were the Mysian Telephus, andgnawing the maxims of Pandeletus out of your littlewallet.Unj. Oh, the wisdom—Just Oh, the madness—Unj. Which you have mentioned.Just And of your city, which supports you who ruin heryouths.Unj. You shan't teach this youth, you old dotard.Just Yes, if he is to be saved, and not merely topractise loquacity.Unj. (to Phidippides) Come hither, and leave him torave.Just You shall howl, if you lay your hand on him.Cho. Cease from contention and railing. But show to us,you, what you used to teach the men of former times, andyou, the new system of education; in order that, havingheard you disputing, he may decide and go to the schoolof one or the other.Just. I am willing to do so.Unj. I also am willing.Cho. Come now, which of the two shall speak first?Unj. I will give him the precedence; and then, fromthese things which he adduces, I will shoot him deadwith new words and thoughts. And at last, if he mutter,he shall be destroyed, being stung in his whole face andhis two eyes by my maxims, as if by bees.Cho. Now the two, relying on very dexterous argumentsand thoughts, and sententious maxims, will show which ofthem shall appear superior in argument. For now thewhole crisis of wisdom is here laid before them; aboutwhich my friends have a very great contest. But do you,who adorned our elders with many virtuous manners, utterthe voice in which you rejoice, and declare your nature.Just. I will, therefore, describe the ancient system ofeducation, how it was ordered, when I flourished in theadvocacy of justice, and temperance was the fashion. Inthe first place it was incumbent that no one should hearthe voice of a boy uttering a syllable; and next, thatthose from the same quarter of the town should march ingood order through the streets to the school of theharp-master, naked, and in a body, even if it were tosnow as thick as meal. Then again, their master wouldteach them, not sitting cross-legged, to learn by rote asong, either "pallada persepolin deinan" or "teleporonti boama" raising to a higher pitch the harmony whichour fathers transmitted to us. But if any of them wereto play the buffoon, or to turn any quavers, like thesedifficult turns the present artists make after themanner of Phrynis, he used to be thrashed, being beatenwith many blows, as banishing the Muses. And it behoovedthe boys, while sitting in the school of theGymnastic-master, to cover the thigh, so that they mightexhibit nothing indecent to those outside; then again,after rising from the ground, to sweep the sandtogether, and to take care not to leave an impression ofthe person for their lovers. And no boy used in thosedays to anoint himself below the navel; so that theirbodies wore the appearance of blooming health. Nor usedhe to go to his lover, having made up his voice in aneffeminate tone, prostituting himself with his eyes. Norused it to be allowed when one was dining to take thehead of the radish, or to snatch from their seniors dillor parsley, or to eat fish, or to giggle, or to keep thelegs crossed.Unj. Aye, antiquated and dipolia-like and full ofgrasshoppers, and of Cecydes, and of the Buphonianfestival!Just Yet certainly these are those principles by whichmy system of education nurtured the men who fought atMarathon. But you teach the men of the present day, sothat I am choked, when at the Panathenaia a fellow,holding his shield before his person, neglectsTritogenia, when they ought to dance. Wherefore, Oyouth, choose with confidence, me, the better cause, andyou will learn to hate the Agora, and to refrain frombaths, and to be ashamed of what is disgraceful, and tobe enraged if any one jeer you, and to rise up fromseats before your seniors when they approach, and not tobehave ill toward your parents, and to do nothing elsethat is base, because you are to form in your mind animage of Modesty: and not to dart into the house of adancing-woman, lest, while gaping after these things,being struck with an apple by a wanton, you should bedamaged in your reputation: and not to contradict yourfather in anything; nor by calling him Iapetus, toreproach him with the ills of age, by which you werereared in your infancy.Unj. If you shall believe him in this, O youth, byBacchus, you will be like the sons of Hippocrates, andthey will call you a booby.Just. Yet certainly shall you spend your time in thegymnastic schools, sleek and blooming; not chattering inthe market-place rude jests, like the youths of thepresent day; nor dragged into court for a petty suit,greedy, pettifogging, knavish; but you shall descend tothe Academy and run races beneath the sacred olivesalong with some modest compeer, crowned with whitereeds, redolent of yew, and careless ease, ofleaf-shedding white poplar, rejoicing in the season ofspring, when the plane-tree whispers to the elm. If youdo these things which I say, and apply your mind tothese, you will ever have a stout chest, a clearcomplexion, broad shoulders, a little tongue, largehips, little lewdness. But if you practise what theyouths of the present day do, you will have in the firstplace, a pallid complexion, small shoulders, a narrowchest, a large tongue, little hips, great lewdness, along psephism; and this deceiver will persuade you toconsider everything that is base to be honourable, andwhat is honourable to be base; and in addition to this,he will fill you with the lewdness of Antimachus.Cho. O thou that practisest most renowned high-toweringwisdom! How sweetly does a modest grace attend yourwords! Happy, therefore, were they who lived in thosedays, in the times of former men! In reply, then, tothese, O thou that hast a dainty-seeming Muse, itbehooveth thee to say something new; since the man hasgained renown. And it appears you have need of powerfularguments against him, if you are to conquer the man andnot incur laughter.Unj. And yet I was choking in my heart, and was longingto confound all these with contrary maxims. For I havebeen called among the deep thinkers the "worse cause" onthis very account, that I first contrived how to speakagainst both law and justice; and this art is worth morethan ten thousand staters, that one should choose theworse cause, and nevertheless be victorious. But markhow I will confute the system of education on which herelies, who says, in the first place, that he will notpermit you to be washed with warm water. And yet, onwhat principle do you blame the warm baths?Just. Because it is most vile, and makes a man cowardly.Unj. Stop! For immediately I seize and hold you by thewaist without escape. Come, tell me, which of the sonsof Jupiter do you deem to have been the bravest in soul,and to have undergone most labours?Just. I consider no man superior to Hercules.Unj. Where, pray, did you ever see cold Herculean baths?And yet, who was more valiant than he?Just. These are the very things which make the bath fullof youths always chattering all day long, but thepalaestras empty.Unj. You next find fault with their living in themarket-place; but I commend it. For if it had been bad,Homer would never have been for representing Nestor asan orator; nor all the other wise men. I will return,then, from thence to the tongue, which this fellow saysour youths ought not to exercise, while I maintain theyshould. And again, he says they ought to be modest: twovery great evils. For tell me to whom you have ever seenany good accrue through modesty and confute me by yourwords.Just. To many. Peleus, at any rate, received his swordon account of it.Unj. A sword? Marry, he got a pretty piece of luck, thepoor wretch! While Hyperbolus, he of the lamps, got morethan many talents by his villainy, but by Jupiter, nosword!Just. And Peleus married Thetis, too, through hismodesty.Unj. And then she went off and left him; for he was notlustful, nor an agreeable bedfellow to spend the nightwith. Now a woman delights in being wantonly treated.But you are an old dotard. For (to Phidippides)consider, O youth, all that attaches to modesty, and ofhow many pleasures you are about to be deprived—ofwomen, of games at cottabus, of dainties, ofdrinking-bouts, of giggling. And yet, what is life worthto you if you be deprived of these enjoyments? Well, Iwill pass from thence to the necessities of our nature.You have gone astray, you have fallen in love, you havebeen guilty of some adultery, and then have been caught.You are undone, for you are unable to speak. But if youassociate with me, indulge your inclination, dance,laugh, and think nothing disgraceful. For if you shouldhappen to be detected as an adulterer, you will makethis reply to him, "that you have done him no injury":and then refer him to Jupiter, how even he is overcomeby love and women. And yet, how could you, who are amortal, have greater power than a god?Just. But what if he should suffer the radish throughobeying you, and be depillated with hot ashes? Whatargument will he be able to state, to prove that he isnot a blackguard?Unj. And if he be a blackguard, what harm will hesuffer?Just. Nay, what could he ever suffer still greater thanthis?Unj. What then will you say if you be conquered by me inthis?Just. I will be silent: what else can I do?Unj. Come, now, tell me; from what class do theadvocates come?Just. From the blackguards.Unj. I believe you. What then? From what class dotragedians come?Just. From the blackguards.Unj. You say well. But from what class do the publicorators come?Just. From the blackguards.Unj. Then have you perceived that you say nothing to thepurpose? And look which class among the audience is themore numerous.Just. Well now, I'm looking.Unj. What, then, do you see?Just. By the gods, the blackguards to be far morenumerous. This fellow, at any rate, I know; and himyonder; and this fellow with the long hair.Unj. What, then, will you say?Just. We are conquered. Ye blackguards, by the gods,receive my cloak, for I desert to you.[Exeunt the Two Causes, and re-enter Socrates andStrepsiades.]Soc. What then? whether do you wish to take and leadaway this your son, or shall I teach him to speak?Strep. Teach him, and chastise him: and remember thatyou train him properly; on the one side able for pettysuits; but train his other jaw able for the moreimportant causes.Soc. Make yourself easy; you shall receive him back aclever sophist.Strep. Nay, rather, pale and wretched.[Exeunt Socrates, Strepsiades, and Phidippides.]Cho. Go ye, then: but I think that you will repent ofthese proceedings. We wish to speak about the judges,what they will gain, if at all they justly assist thisChorus. For in the first place, if you wish to plough upyour fields in spring, we will rain for you first; butfor the others afterward. And then we will protect thefruits, and the vines, so that neither drought afflictthem, nor excessive wet weather. But if any mortaldishonour us who are goddesses, let him consider whatevils he will suffer at our hands, obtaining neitherwine nor anything else from his farm. For when hisolives and vines sprout, they shall be cut down; withsuch slings will we smite them. And if we see him makingbrick, we will rain; and we will smash the tiles of hisroof with round hailstones. And if he himself, or anyone of his kindred or friends, at any time marry, wewill rain the whole night; so he will probably wishrather to have been even in Egypt than to have judgedbadly.[Enter Strepsiades with a meal-sack on his shoulder.]Strep. The fifth, the fourth, the third, after this thesecond; and then, of all the days I most fear, anddread, and abominate, immediately after this there isthe Old and New. For every one to whom I happen to beindebted, swears, and says he will ruin and destroy me,having made his deposits against me; though I only askwhat is moderate and just-"My good sir, one part don'ttake just now; the other part put off I pray; and theother part remit"; they say that thus they will neverget back their money, but abuse me, as I am unjust, andsay they will go to law with me. Now therefore let themgo to law, for it little concerns me, if Phidippides haslearned to speak well. I shall soon know by knocking atthe thinking-shop.[Knocks at the door.]Boy, I say! Boy, boy![Enter Socrates]Soc. Good morning, Strepsiades.Strep. The same to you. But first accept this present;for one ought to compliment the teacher with a fee. Andtell me about my son, if he has learned that cause,which you just now brought forward.Soc. He has learned it.Strep. Well done, O Fraud, all-powerful queen!Soc. So that you can get clear off from whatever suityou please.Strep. Even if witnesses were present when I borrowedthe money?Soc. Yea, much more! Even if a thousand be present.Strep. Then I will shout with a very loud shout: Ho!Weep, you petty-usurers, both you and your principals,and your compound interests! For you can no longer do meany harm, because such a son is being reared for me inthis house, shining with a double-edged tongue, for myguardian, the preserver of my house, a mischief to myenemies, ending the sadness of the great woes of hisfather. Him do thou run and summon from within to me.[Socrates goes into the house.]O child! O son! Come forth from the house! Hear yourfather![Re-enter Socrates leading in Phidippides]Soc. Lo, here is the man!Strep. O my dear, my dear!Soc. Take your son and depart.[Exit Socrates.]Strep. Oh, oh, my child! Huzza! Huzza! How I amdelighted at the first sight of your complexion! Now,indeed, you are, in the first place, negative anddisputatious to look at, and this fashion native to theplace plainly appears, the "what do you say?" and theseeming to be injured when, I well know, you areinjuring and inflicting a wrong; and in your countenancethere is the Attic look. Now, therefore, see that yousave me, since you have also ruined me.Phid. What, pray, do you fear?Strep. The Old and New.Phid. Why, is any day old and new?Strep. Yes; on which they say that they will make theirdeposits against me.Phid. Then those that have made them will lose them; forit is not possible that two days can be one day.Strep. Can not it?Phid. Certainly not; unless the same woman can be bothold and young at the same time.Strep. And yet it is the law.Phid. For they do not, I think, rightly understand whatthe law means.Strep. And what does it mean?Phid. The ancient Solon was by nature the commons'friend.Strep. This surely is nothing whatever to the Old andNew.Phid. He therefore made the summons for two days, forthe Old and New, that the deposits might be made on thefirst of the month.Strep. Why, pray, did he add the old day?Phid. In order, my good sir, that the defendants, beingpresent a day before, might compromise the matter oftheir own accord; but if not, that they might be worriedon the morning of the new moon.Strep. Why, then, do the magistrates not receive thedeposits on the new moon, but on the Old and New?Phid. They seem to me to do what the forestallers do: inorder that they may appreciate the deposits as soon aspossible, on this account they have the first pick byone day.Strep. (turning to the audience) Bravo! Ye wretches, whydo you sit senseless, the gain of us wise men, beingblocks, ciphers, mere sheep, jars heaped together,wherefore I must sing an encomium upon myself and thismy son, on account of our good fortune. "O happyStrepsiades! How wise you are yourself, and howexcellent is the son whom you are rearing!" My friendsand fellow-tribesmen will say of me, envying me, whenyou prove victorious in arguing causes. But first I wishto lead you in and entertain you.[Exeunt Strepsiades and Phidippides.]Pasias (entering with his summons-witness) Then, ought aman to throw away any part of his own property? Never!But it were better then at once to put away blushes,rather than now to have trouble; since I am now draggingyou to be a witness, for the sake of my own money; andfurther, in addition to this, I shall become an enemy tomy fellow-tribesman. But never, while I live, will Idisgrace my country, but will summon Strepsiades.Strep. (from within) Who's there?Pas. For the Old and New.Strep. I call you to witness, that he has named it fortwo days. For what matter do you summon me?Pas. For the twelve minae, which you received when youwere buying the dapple-gray horse.Strep. A horse? Do you not hear? I, whom you all know tohate horsemanship!Pas. And, by Jupiter! You swore by the gods too, thatyou would repay it.Strep. Ay, by Jove! For then my Phidippides did not yetknow the irrefragable argument.Pas. And do you now intend, on this account, to deny thedebt?Strep. Why, what good should I get else from hisinstruction?Pas. And will you be willing to deny these upon oath ofthe gods?Strep. What gods?Pas. Jupiter, Mercury, and Neptune.Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! And would pay down, too, athree-obol piece besides to swear.Pas. Then may you perish some day for your impudence!Strep. This man would be the better for it if he werecleansed by rubbing with salt.Pas. Ah me, how you deride me!Strep. He will contain six choae.Pas. By great Jupiter and the gods, you certainly shallnot do this to me with impunity!Strep. I like your gods amazingly; and Jupiter, swornby, is ridiculous to the knowing ones.Pas. You will assuredly suffer punishment, some time orother, for this. But answer and dismiss me, whether youare going to repay me my money or not.Strep. Keep quiet now, for I will presently answer youdistinctly.[Runs into the house.]Pas. (to his summons-witness). What do you think he willdo?Witness. I think he will pay you.[Re-enter Strepsiades with a kneading-trough]Strep. Where is this man who asks me for his money? Tellme what is this?Pas. What is this? A kardopos.Strep. And do you then ask me for your money, being suchan ignorant person? I would not pay, not even an obolus,to any one who called the kardope kardopos.Pas. Then won't you pay me?Strep. Not, as far as I know. Will you not then pack offas fast as possible from my door?Pas. I will depart; and be assured of this, that I willmake deposit against you, or may I live no longer!Strep. Then you will lose it besides, in addition toyour twelve minae. And yet I do not wish you to sufferthis, because you named the kardopos foolishly.[Exeunt Pasias and Witness, and enter Amynias]Amynias. Ah me! Ah me!Strep. Ha! Whoever is this, who is lamenting? Surely itwas not one of Carcinus' deities that spoke.Amyn. But why do you wish to know this, who I am?-Amiserable man.Strep. Then follow your own path.Amyn. O harsh fortune! O Fates, breaking the wheels ofmy horses! O Pallas, how you have destroyed me!Strep. What evil, pray, has Tlepolemus ever done you?Amyn. Do not jeer me, my friend; but order your son topay me the money which he received; especially as I havebeen unfortunate.Strep. What money is this?Amyn. That which he borrowed.Strep. Then you were really unlucky, as I think.Amyn. By the gods, I fell while driving my horses.Strep. Why, pray, do you talk nonsense, as if you hadfallen from an ass?Amyn. Do I talk nonsense if I wish to recover my money?Strep. You can't be in your senses yourself.Amyn. Why, pray?Strep. You appear to me to have had your brains shakenas it were.Amyn. And you appear to me, by Hermes, to be going to besummoned, if you will not pay me the money?Strep. Tell me now, whether you think that Jupiteralways rains fresh rain on each occasion, or that thesun draws from below the same water back again?Amyn. I know not which; nor do I care.Strep. How then is it just that you should recover yourmoney, if you know nothing of meteorological matters?Amyn. Well, if you are in want, pay me the interest ofmy money.Strep. What sort of animal is this interest?Amyn. Most assuredly the money is always becoming moreand more every month and every day as the time slipsaway.Strep. You say well. What then? Is it possible that youconsider the sea to be greater now than formerly?Amyn. No, by Jupiter, but equal; for it is not fittingthat it should be greater.Strep. And how then, you wretch does this become no waygreater, though the rivers flow into it, while you seekto increase your money? Will you not take yourself offfrom my house? Bring me the goad.[Enter Servant with a goad.]Amyn. I call you to witness these things.Strep. (beating him). Go! Why do you delay? Won't youmarch, Mr. Blood-horse?Amyn. Is not this an insult, pray?Strep. Will you move quickly?[Pricks him behind with the goad.]I'll lay on you, goading you behind, you outrigger? Doyou fly?[Amynias runs off.]I thought I should stir you, together with your wheelsand your two-horse chariots.[Exit Strepsiades.]Cho. What a thing it is to love evil courses! For thisold man, having loved them, wishes to withhold the moneythat he borrowed. And he will certainly meet withsomething today, which will perhaps cause this sophistto suddenly receive some misfortune, in return for theknaveries he has begun. For I think that he willpresently find what has been long boiling up, that hisson is skilful to speak opinions opposed to justice, soas to overcome all with whomsoever he holds converse,even if he advance most villainous doctrines; andperhaps, perhaps his father will wish that he were evenspeechless.Strep. (running out of the house pursued by his son)Hollo! Hollo! O neighbours, and kinsfolk, andfellow-tribesmen, defend me, by all means, who am beingbeaten! Ah me, unhappy man, for my head and jaw! Wretch!Do you beat your father?Phid. Yes, father.Strep. You see him owning that he beats me.Phid. Certainly.Strep. O wretch, and parricide, and house-breaker!Phid. Say the same things of me again, and more. Do youknow that I take pleasure in being much abused?Strep. You blackguard!Phid. Sprinkle me with roses in abundance.Strep. Do you beat your father?Phid. And will prove too, by Jupiter! that I beat youwith justice.Strep. O thou most rascally! Why, how can it be just tobeat a father?Phid. I will demonstrate it, and will overcome you inargument.Strep. Will you overcome me in this?Phid. Yea, by much and easily. But choose which of thetwo Causes you wish to speak.Strep. Of what two Causes?Phid. The better, or the worse?Strep. Marry, I did get you taught to speak againstjustice, by Jupiter, my friend, if you are going topersuade me of this, that it is just and honourable fora father to be beaten by his sons!Phid. I think I shall certainly persuade you; so that,when you have heard, not even you yourself will sayanything against it.Strep. Well, now, I am willing to hear what you have tosay.Cho. It is your business, old man, to consider in whatway you shall conquer the man; for if he were notrelying upon something, he would not be so licentious.But he is emboldened by something; the boldness of theman is evident. Now you ought to tell to the Chorus fromwhat the contention first arose. And this you must do byall means.Strep. Well, now, I will tell you from what we firstbegan to rail at one another. After we had feasted, asyou know, I first bade him take a lyre, and sing a songof Simonides, "The Shearing of the Ram." But heimmediately said it was old-fashioned to play on thelyre and sing while drinking, like a woman grindingparched barley.Phid. For ought you not then immediately to be beatenand trampled on, bidding me sing, just as if you wereentertaining cicadae?Strep. He expressed, however, such opinions then toowithin, as he does now; and he asserted that Simonideswas a bad poet. I bore it at first, with difficultyindeed, yet nevertheless I bore it. And then I bade himat least take a myrtle-wreath and recite to me someportion of Aeschylus; and then he immediately said,"Shall I consider Aeschylus the first among the poets,full of empty sound, unpolished, bombastic, using ruggedwords?" And hereupon you can't think how my heartpanted. But, nevertheless, I restrained my passion, andsaid, "At least recite some passage of the more modernpoets, of whatever kind these clever things be." And heimmediately sang a passage of Euripides, how a brother,O averter of ill! Debauched his uterine sister. And Ibore it no longer, but immediately assailed him withmany abusive reproaches. And then, after that, as wasnatural, we hurled word upon word. Then he springs uponme; and then he was wounding me, and beating me, andthrottling me.Phid. Were you not therefore justly beaten, who do notpraise Euripides, the wisest of poets?Strep. He the wisest! Oh, what shall I call you? But Ishall be beaten again.Phid. Yes, by Jupiter, with justice?Strep. Why, how with justice? Who, O shameless fellow,reared you, understanding all your wishes, when youlisped what you meant? If you said bryn, I,understanding it, used to give you to drink. And whenyou asked for mamman, I used to come to you with bread.And you used no sooner to say caccan, than I used totake and carry you out of doors, and hold you before me.But you now, throttling me who was bawling and cryingout because I wanted to ease myself, had not the heartto carry me forth out of doors, you wretch; but I did itthere while I was being throttled.Cho. I fancy the hearts of the youths are panting tohear what he will say. For if, after having done suchthings, he shall persuade him by speaking, I would nottake the hide of the old folks, even at the price of achick-pea. It is thy business, thou author and upheaverof new words, to seek some means of persuasion, so thatyou shall seem to speak justly.Phid. How pleasant it is to be acquainted with new andclever things, and to be able to despise the establishedlaws! For I, when I applied my mind to horsemanshipalone, used not to be able to utter three words before Imade a mistake; but now, since he himself has made mecease from these pursuits, and I am acquainted withsubtle thoughts, and arguments, and speculations, Ithink I shall demonstrate that it is just to chastiseone's father.Strep. Ride, then, by Jupiter! Since it is better for meto keep a team of four horses than to be killed with abeating.Phid. I will pass over to that part of my discoursewhere you interrupted me; and first I will ask you this:Did you beat me when I was a boy?Strep. I did, through good-will and concern for you.Phid. Pray tell me, is it not just that I also should bewell inclined toward you in the same way, and beat you,since this is to be well inclined-to give a beating? Forwhy ought your body to be exempt from blows and minenot? And yet I too was born free. The boys weep, and doyou not think it is right that a father should weep? Youwill say that it is ordained by law that this should bethe lot of boys. But I would reply, that old men areboys twice over, and that it is the more reasonable thatthe old should weep than the young, inasmuch as it isless just that they should err.Strep. It is nowhere ordained by law that a fathershould suffer this.Phid. Was it not then a man like you and me, who firstproposed this law, and by speaking persuaded theancients? Why then is it less lawful for me also in turnto propose henceforth a new law for the sons, that theyshould beat their fathers in turn? But as many blows aswe received before the law was made, we remit: and weconcede to them our having been thrashed without return.Observe the cocks and these other animals, how theypunish their fathers; and yet, in what do they differfrom us, except that they do not write decrees?Strep. Why then, since you imitate the cocks in allthings, do you not both eat dung and sleep on a perch?Phid. It is not the same thing, my friend; nor would itappear so to Socrates.Strep. Therefore do not beat me; otherwise you will oneday blame yourself.Phid. Why, how?Strep. Since I am justly entitled to chastise you; andyou to chastise your son, if you should have one.Phid. But if I should not have one, I shall have weptfor nothing, and you will die laughing at me.Strep. To me, indeed, O comrades, he seems to speakjustly; and I think we ought to concede to them what isfitting. For it is proper that we should weep, if we donot act justly.Phid. Consider still another maxim.Strep. No; for I shall perish if I do.Phid. And yet perhaps you will not be vexed at sufferingwhat you now suffer.Strep. How, pray? For inform me what good you will do meby this.Phid. I will beat my mother, just as I have you.Strep. What do you say? What do you say? This other,again, is a greater wickedness.Phid. But what if, having the worst Cause, I shallconquer you in arguing, proving that it is right to beatone's mother?Strep. Most assuredly, if you do this, nothing willhinder you from casting yourself and your Worse Causeinto the pit along with Socrates. These evils have Isuffered through you, O Clouds! Having intrusted all myaffairs to you.Cho. Nay, rather, you are yourself the cause of thesethings, having turned yourself to wicked courses.Strep. Why, pray, did you not tell me this, then, butexcited with hopes a rustic and aged man?Cho. We always do this to him whom we perceive to be alover of wicked courses, until we precipitate him intomisfortune, so that he may learn to fear the gods.Strep. Ah me! it is severe, O Clouds! But it is just;for I ought not to have withheld the money which Iborrowed. Now, therefore, come with me, my dearest son,that you may destroy the blackguard Chaerephon andSocrates, who deceived you and me.Phid. I will not injure my teachers.Strep. Yes, yes, reverence Paternal Jove.Phid. "Paternal Jove" quoth'a! How antiquated you are!Why, is there any Jove?Strep. There is.Phid. There is not, no; for Vortex reigns havingexpelled Jupiter.Strep. He has not expelled him; but I fancied this, onaccount of this Vortex here. Ah me, unhappy man! When Ieven took you who are of earthenware for a god.Phid. Here rave and babble to yourself.[Exit Phidippides]Strep. Ah me, what madness! How mad, then, I was when Iejected the gods on account of Socrates! But O dearHermes, by no means be wroth with me, nor destroy me;but pardon me, since I have gone crazy through prating.And become my adviser, whether I shall bring an actionand prosecute them, or whatever you think. You advise merightly, not permitting me to get up a lawsuit, but assoon as possible to set fire to the house of the pratingfellows. Come hither, come hither, Xanthias! Come forthwith a ladder and with a mattock and then mount upon thethinking-shop and dig down the roof, if you love yourmaster, until you tumble the house upon them.[Xanthias mounts upon the roof]But let some one bring me a lighted torch and I'll makesome of them this day suffer punishment, even if they beever so much impostors.1st Dis. (from within) Hollo! Hollo!Strep. It is your business, O torch, to send forthabundant flame.[Mounts upon the roof]1st Dis. What are you doing, fellow?Strep. What am I doing? Why, what else, than choppinglogic with the beams of your house?[Sets the house on fire]2nd Dis. (from within) You will destroy us! You willdestroy us!Strep. For I also wish this very thing; unless mymattock deceive my hopes, or I should somehow fall firstand break my neck.Soc. (from within). Hollo you! What are you doing, pray,you fellow on the roof?Strep. I am walking on air, and speculating about thesun.Soc. Ah me, unhappy! I shall be suffocated, wretchedman!Chaer. And I, miserable man, shall be burnt to death!Strep. For what has come into your heads that you actedinsolently toward the gods, and pried into the seat ofthe moon? Chase, pelt, smite them, for many reasons, butespecially because you know that they offended againstthe gods![The thinking shop is burned down]Cho. Lead the way out; for we have sufficiently acted aschorus for today.