AN INDEMNITY
McKinley, the President. Hay, Secretary of State. The Czar of Russia. The Sultan of Turkey. Ali Feroush Bey, the Turkish Minister.
McKinley—John, have the goodness to say to the Turkish Minister that unless his Government pays up we shall send a fleet to the Dardanelles.
Hay—Yes, but would it not be better to saythroughthe Dardanelles?
McK.—I don’t know about that. One does not like to promise more than one may be able to perform. Admiral Dewey tells me there is a doubt about getting through; the strait is fortified at every turn.
H.—Why, Admiral Dewey said,àproposof the Nicaragua canal, that fortifications were worthless—that they only invited attack!
McK.—That was when he was standing by the Administration. He is now an aspirant to the Presidency, and dares to say what he thinks.
H. (aside)—Great Scott! I’d give ten years of life—nay, more: six weeks of office—for the same courage.
McK.—John, what are you muttering in your beard?
H.—A prayer for your health.
McK.(aside)—Ah, yes, I suffer from Hay fever.
[Observing him about to sneeze, Hay gives himself the happiness of taking snuff.]
Hay—I greet your Excellency with rapture.
Ali Feroush Bey—May your wives be as the leaves of the forest.
H.—May it please your Excellency, the President says that if your august master finds it inconvenient to pay that little account he need not hurry.
A. F. B.—Allah forbid that the Light of the Universe should hurry about anything!
H.—The matter will keep, and an ultimatum delivered about the first week in November would——
A. F. B.—May jackasses sing on your grandmother’s grave! Do you think you can use the Brother of the Prophet to further your cursed election schemes? I shall advise that the bill be paid at once.
H.—Exalted sir, I fear you are pleased to talk through your turban. But I pray that you will permit me to withdraw. I must acquaint the President with your answer.
[Exit Hay.]
A. F. B.—The devil go with him! If I had him in Stamboul he’d be walking on wood!
McK.—John, did you deliver my ultimatum to the Turkish Minister?
Hay—Aye, that I did! And not only did I say we should send a fleet into the Dardanelles, but I ventured to add that Colonel Bryan would go into commission at once.
McK.—And did he say that he would advise his august what-does-he-call-him to pay down on the nail?
H.—I am pained to say that he did not. He said that he would see you in Helfurst.
McK.—Where is that?—it sounds Dutch.
H.—Yes; it is a town in Pennsylvania.
McK.—Well, I’ll meet him there and talk it over if you think the character of our ultimatum permits.
H.—Certainly; it is the Ultimatum Tentative.
The Sultan(by telegraph)—Your Majesty, would you be so good as to lend a poor fellow the price of a few American missionaries?
The Czar—God forbid! You must be more economical. Do you think I’m made of money?
Sultan—But really——
Czar—Yes, yes, I know. Your creditors are pressing you, and all that. And you’ll promptly repay the loan—in a Golden Horn. I’ve heard it before.
Sultan—By the toe-nails of the Prophet! if I get not the money, that dog of darkness, the American President, will be after me with a sharp stick; and he’ll do, and he’ll do, and he’ll do! He has already delivered his ultimatum.
Czar—What! Is it so serious as that? My poor friend, I am sorry for you. You are in for it, sure! In American diplomacy the ultimatum is a prophecy of doom; you will be talked to death!
Sultan—Then lend me the money.
Czar—It is decreed otherwise. Kismet.
Sultan—But what am I to do? Talked to death!—that is disagreeable.
Czar—Build a mosque in which to pray that Heaven may put it into his heart to send a fleet to Constantinople and commute your punishment to bombardment.
Sultan—May jackals whelp in his harem!—that is what he says he will do.
Czar—Build two mosques.